Monogamy: Expectations vs. Reality

drive ain't happening either, dead ass. Hey, I'm Cadine and where the ellises. You may know us from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'm making me therapy most days. Oh and one more important thing to mention. We're married, Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about. To the lens of a millennial

married couple. Then ass is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take pillow Talk to a whole new level. This is dead ass story time. I'm gonna take y'all way back to last night. All right, By this time, you guys have already seen the promo video and videos and pictures that we spent time Indebellar mansion, and you see Codeine Harhole get up on her whole world.

Her face was beating like Brooklyn slash nineties slash Barbie. We also we saw, yeah, we saw, we saw story times in my time. So she had on the whole face beat. The baby heirs was laid the rhind stones. She had about seventy seven pounds of weaving her here right, So the whole day she knew I was looking at her. Y'all saw the way I was looking at her, right, and y'all saw the videos, and everybody was putting like, it's the way that I'll be looking at cadem for me.

It's the way he looks at her for me. So everybody saw the way I was looking at her. Right. Which I didn't know was that she had that same hairstyle three days in a row with the makeup because it took three days to film everything. So the first day she said, yo, I got you. At the end of the shoot, I'm gonna let you mess this up. I know how you, I know how you like to do some I'm like, let's go. We're gonna mess this up. Right. We get done filming yesterday, we get home, I'm tired.

I need to go take a nap and chills. That fine. She said, I'm gonna leave my I'm gonna leave my face on in my hair for you, daddy. I'm gonna leave it on for me, right. So I was like, all right, cool, I'm gonna leave it on. So we go to my homeboy's house about seven o'clock because I go to workout. We bring the family so we can spend some family time together. When we get back to the crib, I'm like, boom, it's ten o'clock. Jackson's already going to bed, so it's just me and wife. So

I'm like, you know, it's about to go down. She sit down while we're about to watch Green Leaf, and she started taking the wave out, talk about okay, for that's the show. I don't even know what I knew what time it was at night, but she wants to watch green Leaf. So I'm like, you want to watch the episode of green Leaf? Don't watch episode? Thought he died but he turns out he ain't it, so don't want it. You know, you don't want the show. So so now she got to put on green Leaf. She

start taking a weave out. So now I kind of got an attitude. So I'm like, you said you was gonna let me mess it up, but now you're taking a week. So now I'm kind of mad. So I'm like, you don't even wanna watch green Leaf no more. She's like, you don't want to watch one episode? She already faded and half sleep right, So I'm like, no, let's just go to bed. So we go upstairs to go lay in the bed, and I guess she sensed that I had an attitude, so now she's just like, damn, I'm

gonna have to, you know, fulfill my promise. So I'm just I'm not saying nothing because I had already decided that I was gonna let this go tend years a marriage. I'm not gonna be on her about it, right, So now we're laying in the bed, She's like, can we watch one episode of green Leaf. So we turned green Leaf from we laying in the bed. I'm on my side of the bed. I put the covers on, so I'm like, don't touch me, you stay on your side, and saying on my side, I don't even want to

be aroused. She gonna come school her butt on me and leaning on me, and then tapped me on my chests. Right we were twenty minutes in the green Leaf. Right, tapped me on my chest. I look over at her. She looked over at me. She's gonna say to me, Mom, I know you listen to a part of my friend. She don'ta say to me, you feel like em plessing she laying in the bed, she got her face to half beat the Mindstones is still here, still the baby here.

He's still laid. But she got this little ponytail sitting up here, and she gonna lean over at me and took me on my chance, asked me if I now I got to perform on her? You made promises to me, so you know what I did? Y'all? Right? What I do say yep? And that right there epitomizes married sex after ten years. Truth is Oh my gosh. Options are few options are one. I'm trying to pray, but where are you? I'm all church down, hurt and I don't know money abuse you. I can't face. I can't fake.

I can't fake. What's left to do? Don't even mind if you fake it. I just wanted you know. You know it's a whole lie, attempt to fake it. You can see right, you're like, you know, okay, I've known you for almost eighteen We've been doing this ship for almost eighteen years. Don't be faking that eighteen years next week, well, by the time this episode years, it will be over eighteen years. I know, I know when she's faking it. Truth is um we why are you so tiring? So

no strength? Why why? Well, you know, along with the violeral nor not being my sex drive was renewed, nor has my energy been renewed. I don't understand what it is. It's like a thing like when you become a mom,

you just be tired. You're tired in perpetuity. So you know what she said, guys, this is and this is this is part of the problem for a man because and here's the thing I don't want to say, just men and women think because we've gotten a lot of emails from women who said they have higher sex drives than their husband. So all those statistics show that that's the anomally majority of the time, especially at our age, men's sex drive are higher than women, you know, between

the ages of thirty and forty. What the the issue for me is this, if I'm going to compromise with you and say, you know what, I'm not gonna push you for sex when you don't want to have sex and you give me a date and time and it's time to pay the piper, I don't want to hear your damn excuses and men get piste off because then y'all don't want to even discuss the fact that you made a promise and whatever men talk about sex women wasn't like You're gonna have to figure it out and

then what I want to do. No, I don't don't leave it up to us. Y'all want to be in this with us, right, absolutely, Okay, I'm just having a hard time talking to you so exactly. So the fact that you gotta looking at me just get up. Imagine how I feel looking at you. I'm trying to be sexual and trying to be intimate with you when you got this ponytail sticking up on your head. That's what I had to look at. You just wanted the whole week piece. But I didn't want the whole because that's

what I deserved. I just the yes. Next time, you know, I have you saw that ship in versus pinning it in because clearly that did not work. Yes, you know I'm gonna need that. I'm gonna need that. Listen. So, after ten years of marriage, we've been through several stages of intimacy nationals. We've been together almost eighteen years. So where are we now? Where can we go? For me? Well,

let's let's talk about the stages of intimacy. We got lust, romance, peer bonding, which means being able to face uncomfortable truths about each other and deciding if we can live with those truths forevermore or locking it down. You know, we're there, like the ordeal or threats and tests characterized by things like babies, mortgages, redundancy, death, going through life cycles with your partner, um stuff like that. So those the ordeals, like that's the stuff that we're going through to as

a marriage. And then it's the real deal. So what happens is is that people as they get married go through all of these different stages of intimacy. I think right now you're at the real deal, right because we have Jackson who was in school, our kids, you know, out there doing anything, which that's not really in school. But I feel like your mind be all over the place. That's fair. I'm still at lust. I think I've been

in lust since I was eighteen. I love it. And you know what's amazing about about men in general, well you particularly, because I can't speak for every man, however, you've been in lust through every phase of everything. So yeah, I felt my worst when I was nine months pregnant. When I was in the fourth trimester, it was like a swollen vagina and like leaky boobs and ship you thought that it was sexy, And to me, there was

absolutely nothing sexy about that. Like I was like, yo, I had a baby in me, I had a baby on me, like we always touching me. So she was very different leaky boobs. I don't think it was sexy. Swollen vagina now for obvious reasons, you guys know why I would think that's sexy. It was very lubricated down there, Okay, in any events, I am not allowed, based on our marriage laws and the contract we signed with each other,

to have sex with anybody else. So these urgents that come, I have to share them with the one person I decided to spend the rest of my life with, so that that brings me back to my my my sound bity, right. I don't understand, And this is what we can discuss as a woman, because I don't. I don't want to say it's a man versus woman thing, but a lot of women do complain how my husband is always on me? Why is he always on me if sex is going to be a chore for you that you don't really

want to do. Why do women constantly push monogamy on men if you know that you don't want to have to deal with him all the time just wanting you, Why do you push monogamy on that? Well, who's to say I pushed anything on anybody? Like? Well, we know that you pushed monogamy on me. I pushed man out'n I forced you to get married to me, tom out. I didn't say you forced me to get married, But did you not say to me that you wanted to be engaged and you wanted to be before you live

with me. You don't want a billion dollars. I'm gonna get it. So that's fair. But we're not even even talking about marriage. Let's even talk about dating, right, two people are dating? Typically in society, who asks for exclusivity first? A woman or a man? Thank you? That was my whole point. So you were going all over the place. If women typically asks for exclusivity first, then when they get exclusivity, say, he always on me, he always want

to have sex. Why are we asking men for exclusivity if we do not want to participate itt for insects at the same level as men. We have to think about what that does to a man. And I don't think that that's being that that conversation is being had. Okay, I agree, and that part I agree with, yes, that women are typically the ones that will ask for the exclusivity. I get that. Yes, So you say you want to be engaged. I get engaged. You say you want to

be married within the year. We do that, we get married. Then you make it seem like like sex as a chore to your husband. Once again, I ask the question, why do women who push forth monogamy on the man they're dating, then get overwhelmed with that man who tries to provide that monogamy to you. Why do you get upset when we're trying to be what you want us to be. You don't want me to be with no one else? Right? Right? I'm asking this is you don't

want me to be with no one else. So if I decide that all this testoster w I have I want to give to you, why is this so overwhelming? Now? This is what you ask for? Twenty six and twenty seven year old Codeine was like, Okay, here's the natural succession of life. Your graduate, you're working, you meet somebody, you guys are dating. You want children. I want children. We don't want to wait too long or too late

to have children. So now a lot of people are waiting until their thirties to have children, and I understand why we and we at that time felt like, well, we're doing everything in this natural succession that the forces that be have given us this timeline. A lot of that, too, is not knowing that you have the liberty and the

choice and there shouldn't be any pressure to wait. Right. So, twenty seven year old Cadine in that moment felt like, okay, so we are dating for a certain amount of tent At that point, we were dating for seven or eight years, right, seven or eight years is a bit of time to be invested in somebody, to not know is there a future here? What are we doing? So at that point I proposed to you the idea of engagement. We got engaged, then it was like, all right, we want to have kids.

I particularly didn't want to have a child until I was married. So it's like, all right, well we're engaged, we might as well the next phases get married. And then naturally, girls get excited the minute you're engaged, and it's just like, oh, fiance, fiance, you know, he put a ring on it. It's like the wedding planning has to commence, like that's just naturally what most women do. Okay,

So that happened and then we ended up getting married. However, I did not realize that after having children, after you know, career changes, all of the turbulences that we've been through in life, that that was going to have a direct effect on my sex drive. That's fair and me not knowing that. If I knew it, then I probably would have rethought, you know what I was gonna do when it came to marriage and monogamy, and that is fair. And this is why I like to have this discussion.

And I think we should have this discussion because people look at us and say, oh, relationship goes, right, marriage goes They don't know what what is being discussed behind closed doors, right. So, for example, one of the things that I have deduced through being married to you for a long period of time is this. And this is not a about a women think. Women think. This is

about me and you. I learned that you were never taught what it entails to be with someone in a monogamous relationship the same way I was never taught that. So what happens is is that we both have expectations of what we think it's gonna be like, and then the minute it's not like that, we start to project our issues that we have with that on each other. So you just mad at me, and I get mine

at you. So the problem is the problem is is not so much the reality of what happens, is that we all have this ideal of what it's supposed to be like. And I'm gonna give you an example as a man right in my eighteen From eighteen to twenty two, we had sex routinely, like all the time that was there. Right once we moved into together and we were living together in our own house in Michigan, sex started to

slow down. This is before kids, this is before marriages, before he was working, this was before any stresses period. This was just you. Sex just started to slow down. And then also to em two was like college. It was my first time out of my parents house. Um, you know, we were living in this utopia that was college life. And also to um, what was the other thing that I was gonna say? So we got distance. We had distance. We had distance, so there was time for us to like miss each other and be like

to see you again. And when we do, see what I was getting to. So once we started to move in together and you see the same person every single night, the distance that we had, we were in college and we would I was traveling and we were doing different things. That distance allows time for you to kind of reboot your sex drive. For me, I don't necessarily have to reboot my sex drive. The minute I see you, I

want to have sex. So when we were missing each other, it seemed normal that we had sex all the time. But then when we think about it, we really wasn't having sex all the time because we didn't see each other all the time. Then when we moved in together and we see each other every day, every time I want to have sex, I look to you, it became overwhelming. So and the reason why I say that it is because the conversation starts happened was why do men fear marriage?

Why do men fear marriage? And I'm gonna explain this so that everybody can understand this. When you're a man, a young man, and you talk to your friends who are married about getting married, the first thing they do is say, take your time. Right. They don't ever explain why because men aren't vocal, we don't discuss these things, we're not emotional. All they'll say is take your time, you got you got time for that. You're sure you

want to do this? And they're like, yeah, you're They're like, you know, gonna change and then you're like, what is that me? Or don't worry about the ship going to change? So no one really tells you, as a man, neither what exactly is going to change and how it's gonna change. And why it's changing. But I've learned over years why

it's changed and how it's changed. For example, when we were in college and we were having sex a lot, and I was at football practice and I used to go away games stuff like that, we had tom apart. Right once we moved in together, we're having sex routinely. Your body couldn't handle it, like like physically physically couldn't. You couldn't handle it. You will get U t I s. You will get bacterial infections because it's the same pounding

every day. So as a man, you start to realize that, you know what, we are not just wired differently mentally physically, we are wired differently. She can't take everything that you want to give her all the time. But since no one tells you that, you just expect that this woman who wants me to be loyal to her, monogamous to her, is gonna want to have sex every time I want to have sex. And it's not until you move in with a woman and you live ah all the time

do you realize that she can't do that. You see what I'm saying. Not only are women not being taught what it's like to be in a monogamous relationship. Young men are not being taught what it's like to being a monogous relation. You should you understand what I'm saying. No, I understand completely because I I experience the same thing.

And that's why I'm grateful for platforms like this or just our generation of people who are speaking up and speaking out and speaking to each other about these things, because then maybe people will make more educated decisions about whether or not they do want to be married, or they do want to be in a monogamous relationship, or you know what actually is involved in that um And the crazy thing about marriage is that, you know, one of the things you always hear is like, you know,

you got to compromise, You gotta compromise. Like what happens when one party feels like they're compromising more than the other, or one person feels like they're sacrificing more than the other, then that becomes an issue because a lot of times we try to meet each other halfway, but you still feel like you ended up with the short end of the stick. And it just maybe too because you literally have a bigger sex drive than me, and for me, it just takes way more to get me to a

point some times we're even willing to do that. Like back to your story, it was like, damn, I know I promised him. I promised him some asks tonight and I was like, damn, I can't not do this, but I want to go to sleep, like I really just want to push my face and go to sleep. Now here's another thing too, and let's be fair. I'm willing to compromise, right, are willing? We don't have sex every day, We don't have sex. In college, we have sex two times a day. You know we see each other. We

was like rabbits, right, I compromise. And I even said to you, I'm not gonna push for when I want to have sex. I'm going to allow you to get back in the mood and then when you come to me to have sex, because I want the sex to be enjoying fas but to be a problem when me having to reset my sex clock be longer than you expected to me, and that be a problem. Hold on, there's a study. There's a study. Was about to pull up the same quote, pull up the same quote you

pull up. I'm gonna say so that I can go off. So it's funny. We're talking about this episode on the way and our amazing manager. To Nora, she was like, listen, here's the quote that I literally just heard in the uber on the way here. Most men will happily have less sex for more peace. Ha that is you know listen, Okay, the key word here is happily. I agree, happily happily.

Can you see this thing over here is skipping down the block happy because I get more set, because I get more peace and less I'm just trying to invest invision devout right now with his headset and his ghetto ponytail, just skipping like happily. Hap believe because he's like, you know what, I have peace in my home, in my life because I'm happy now this Now, here's the truth, dog, here's the truth. The type of piece they may be

talking about is a different type of piece. You and I have a great relationship, right and people ask me in time, so sex is that bad? And marriage? Why do you stay married? Because sex isn't everything? That's number one. Number one. Our relationship outside of just our sex, life is easy. Like you're my best friend. We have we have a lot of fun together, I mean we do. However,

sex be a sexist like that that like looming. It's like when somebody farts in a room and then it's like the forest like what it's like a farest what kind of sex? Like listen, it's like a fart in the room and the should just be lingering, like you know, that should be that that that fix that fi smell that like won't escape the room. That's how she That's how she mean. It's like you know in the cartoons when they have the green fingers and it's like going

right through your notes like that. That's what sex is. Sexy sometimes that's how sex is sometimes. But if sex, if she can describe sex like that, no, dont don't try. Don't try to try since she says that, right, if sexist feels like that to you, why does it bother you? If I have sex with someone else, not sex. I'm saying the topic of sex, like the discussions that happened around sex are lingering, even though it's not gonna say the topic of sex. You said set No, that's okay.

Let me clarify. You please clarify, because you made it seem like sex terrible. No, I'm not talking about sex. No, not the actor. You need to clarifix. You need to clarify, because you just said sex is like a fart. Green thing is going up your nose, That's what you said. So if sex is like a fart, then you wouldn't care if I farted on somebody else. Right, Let they go out there and just fart. You wouldn't care. We share with everybody, exactly. You get a fart, you get

at exactly. No, let me clarify that, please, the act of sex is not the fart, Okay, it's the discussion surrounding sex, or like the heavy looming tension that sometimes happens around sex. Because when we do have sex, we have amazing sex. Right, we are best friends relationship. But the reason why I was like it was because I know that the topic of sex, sometimes, as great as things are, can be a damper Because you always say to me, sex is more important to me than it

is to you. You always say that it's not high on your total pole, your priority list. No, it's high because I know it affects you, so it still has to affect me. But if I just like wants to go down the list of things that I need on a day to day basis personally, then no, sex is not high on the list, right, So, and this is just another thing that men always want to hear women explain, and no woman has ever been able to explain this

to me. If you don't need sex and sex is not high on your priority list of the things you need, why does it bother you so much? If he wants to have sex with someone else, then it quiet throw marriage away at that point, because it's like, what's the point I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna tell you why.

The idea that a woman can tell a man not to have sex with anybody else then tell that man when he's going to have sex, how often he's going to have sex, and how he has sex is extremely selfish and women don't want to admit it, but it's the truth. It is the truth. The idea that a woman can say to a man, you can't have sex

with no other women in the world. You can only have sex with me, but you're only gonna have sex with me when I want to have sex, and you're only gonna have sex how I want to have Some married people are dating people because anybody who says that, because because because it's even for a man to say that to a woman is just selfish for one person to say to another person, you can't do anything else, but you're only going to do what I want in

the time I wanted. It's selfish, period. But women have found a way to make it seem like that he's okay, and it's not. And for men who are married on in a monogamous relationship, it's frustrating to try to live in that realm. So it sounds like people some people need to be getting divorces people they do to not

be married. And if you know early on, unlike me, will completely admit that I didn't necessarily know early on that I would be have to be putting it out every single day, then I probably wouldn't be married too. I don't blame you, but I don't blame his friends, co parenting and whatnot. But we wouldn't have been married married because I feel like married people will be like or married women. Um, since you're asking about women not be being able to answer this question for you, then

it'll just be like, okay, so why are we married? Then, like I guess, along with marriage comes monogamy. That's anonymous pretty much. So if that's something that women won't be willing to do, then we should be letting people go see. But this is my point. When men try to explain this, you know what women say, Oh, you just immature. You need to grow up. When you're gonna grow up and

start being a man, when you're gonna settle down. You know how many of my single male friends have heard that they're in their thirties and they have multiple women because they don't want to disappoint no one by trying to be monogamous and realizing they can't be monogamous, so they say things like, you know what, relationships really don't work for me. We can just have fun. Women call them immature, They say they're dogs everything. So what about a man that wants a legacy and a family and

uh something past just the sex part of it. Then how does that fall into play? If it's just okay, we're avoiding committing to somebody because of sex, but then now we want a family or we want because that ultimately that old man. He comes to my point of why I'm married and why I think that we work. I of course we have issues within our sex life, and when we say issues, it's really not have issues. We have sex three or four times a week, right, if if it's not into course, we have some type

of sex three times a week at least. Sometimes it's less, you know what I'm saying. But I would say on average about three times a week. And we still have issues. And we still have issues because and and some of our issues arise in how we get to sex. Because you feel like, as a wife, even when you don't want to have sex, you have to have sex. And for me as a husband or do something sexual. So for me as a husband is like I want to accept that from my wife, but I want to be wanted.

You know what I'm saying. I want, I want, I wanted to be enjoyable. I don't want to lay in the bed and part right, I don't want to lay in the bed, and you just like here, come on, like even though we may have sex like that, that's not enjoyable for you and it's not enjoyable for me. So I'll one day out of the three or four days that it is like a wash because it's like who really benefited from that? Right? So no one benefits

from it. So that's where me as a husband has said, you know what I don't want you to feel pressure of when to have sex, so I'll just wait for when you're ready to have sex for us to have sex so that we can be good. We've come to that conclusion. But then it's like, when you're ready to have sex, I at least want you to, you know, put on a nice outfit, make it nice. I don't want you, now you're ready to have sex, to jump

into it. It's like if we're going to compromise, and I'm gonna agree to have less sex, which goes back to this thing men who have less sex to have more peace because that that daunting conversation. I don't want to have that daunting conversation either, because once you start having that conversation, than any sex you have after that

conversation seems like it's not genuine. It seems like it's not and it's just like, who wants to discuss sex and how we're gonna get to it and then only do it, and then it should be wacked because there was this whole discussion that had to happen before. I think the best sex that happens is usually spontaneous, which is why sometimes I don't even have time to be putting on the outfits because it's just like, yo, I just popped in my head like let me just go

and you know, perform performing. So we you and I have also had this conversation because at one point I started to feel like I was the problem. So and I was thinking, like, you know what, maybe I don't look the same way that I used to look. Maybe it's my beard, maybe it's my hair. Maybe I need to lose weight, maybe I need the gains weight. I'm trying to figure out what can I do to make you feel more in the mood. So as a husband, I try to I try to take that on. It's like,

what what can I do? And at that point, that's when you told me you weren't sure you know, saying so what what? What was going when I was trying to ask you to figure out what was your step to figure out how you could increase your libido? So I really felt badly that you felt that you had some sort of deficit that prevented me from wanting to

have sex. And that's something I really wanted to nip in the butt early because I'm like, it's not for lack of like me being attracted to you or not wanting to and knowing how much you wanted it, I felt inadequate. I felt like, you know, I'm the one with the deficit. If anything, it's not devout. It's funny you said you felt you felt inadequate because I felt inadequate because I'm like here, I am a man, I work out all the time, I don't think, and my wife is not yet. I'm right, I'm like, my wife

is not into me. And and the thing is, I'm a very selfless lover, Like I don't just go to have sex and be like bang bang on mout. I try to make sure that you're taken care of. So you felt inadequate, and I felt inadequate. So in me trying to like unpack, like Cadine, what is really the root of your issue when it comes to sex. It's the most frustrating thing because it's like your mind, in your mind, you're like, okay, I want to do this,

but it's like your body can't like jump start. It's like it's like an engine that's lost its battery life. And it's like you're like, you know, your analogy, like here's like the jumper cables. You know what I mean, hence the rollover and just eat me out tonight. But I'm just saying, like you're there with the jumper cables and it's just like, oh, you know, it may or may not work. And in my mind, I'm like, it should just be so easy for me to say, you know what, this is what I want to do. I

want to please my husband. I want to be all into it. I want to be swinging from the chandeliers dressed as all sorts of you know, fantasy things that you want me to be. And it should be mad daunting for me because I'm just like, my body just doesn't well. You You did say that you felt like after every child, and we have three kids, so it's like we've had children consistently, you felt like your libio dropped, and it hasn't it physically your lebt man's own. You

want more kids. I'm like, because you asked me about let you asked me about legacy, you asked me about why I'm going to be sexually after that, Like, I don't know, and I'm scared to find that. A bitch is scared to find out. I get it. I get it, trust me, I get it. And Okay, So Okay, so let me ask this question. You said it was was it physically your obedient, like, what do you feel like it was chemically you think? Or was it you're not you're not feeling colonel, Because I also said, what did

you feel sexy? That's my point. I don't feel sexy, had my moments for I did, And I mean you never made me feel as if I wasn't sexy, which was the craziest part to me because even in my you know, worst day, when I didn't feel sexy at all, I maybe had a little extra weight on, didn't feel like myself. You never, at any point made me feel like I was lacking something. Well, you weren't. And I know when your eyes you see yourself differently than not

see you. But to me, I was like, I'm lacking all the ships, Like yeah, and that's that goes back to how we project what we want for ourselves, what we want ourselves to look like on our partner. So you thought that because you gained a little weight, and because I remember you said Ariola was a little darker, you felt like you weren't attractive, So I understand that. I was like, she's so plush and juice. It was just it turned it turned me on it over here,

felt like what's that stuff that kids be making? Notay, No, you didn't feel like play don't know. I didn't feel like. No. Your analogies are off today between the farts and the car battery, with the no jumper cables and now gag, I don't know. I don't know who this woman is. That's what it slime I felt like. So you felt like slime. No, you definitely didn't feel like that. And the thing is, this is what I think women need

to hear. When the man chooses you to be his life partner, he chooses you for more reasons than just how you look. So there are certain things about you that attract me that have nothing to do with how you look. So when you wake up in the morning and you you don't look your best to you, to me, it's not even just about you looking good, it's your essence.

There really is something about you when you smile at me, the way you smell, you know how certain people have like that, that physical attraction that goes beyond that is what it is for me. You know what I'm saying, That's what it is for me. So and I feel

the same way too. That's what I've always even said to Like, when you go back to like is it me, I'm like, it's not you, because I feel like you could dangle another man in front of my face and I'll be like, I don't want to you neither, Like I don't feel like that's the case because I don't wanta have to kill nobody. Of course, not because I will kill somebody. Love you aund like our chore life and whatnot, and not locked up in some cell, you know,

So I get it. So they say that, Um, this brings me to another question that I wanted to pose to you. Most marriages that end in divorce are financial issues, right, But then you have marriages that end because of sexual infidelities and whatnot. So do you think that at that point, you know, like saying that marriage is not a big weight, I mean, sex is not a big weight on most marriages. Why is it that these marriages end because of infidelities? Um?

To be honest, I I can't speak for anyone else's marriage, right, but I do feel that people put an unrealistic expectation on their partner in different facets of their life, and one of them is infidelities, you know what I'm saying. So it's like you cheat one time you tech somebody, you look at somebody else, it's a rap. I'm out without giving someone the grace to learn what's going on, especially if people have gotten married at a young age.

Last season and they talked about infidecting my infidelity, yes, and I was getting flat license here you go forgiving another Black men and black women are always forgiven. And I was just like sis quiet as it's kept. There's women in relationships that they feel are monogamous, but they ain't. So if anybody's in the dark, it might be you, Like you just never know. And then and there are management, there are men in relationships who they think they're being

a monogamous and their wife is not me monogamous. So I don't pass judgment on anyone's manage. Anyone who passed judgment on our marriage can't kiss my ass. And to be honest, I don't. I don't feel a way about judgment because when we get on the platform to talk about our marriage, people have the right to have to have their opinion. So if that's how they feel, less how they feel, you know, I'm saying I really could

care less. But um what what I have figured out for myself is that marriage to me, because there were points in our marriage and I'm like, yo, this is just seems selfish and I don't know if I could exist in this. And then you start to weigh what's important to you? You know what I'm saying, Like, what's important? Like I said before, you're my best friend and you're

a business partner. You and I have not only developed a brand and developed a business model that works for you and I and works for building a legacy for our kids, but we've built a friendship that I think would outlast anything. Because when we were broke, especially after the NFL, you and I were still best friends and we still found ways to enjoy life and enjoy each other during our harshest times no money, we were struggling, without sex, life, we had just had a child. We

were struggling. But somehow through that, you and I found a way to create a great life. So for me, as a married man, it's like, all right, I'm gonna have to make some adjustments in the things that I want as a man. And like you said, do I what do I think about my legacy, right, why do I get married? What do men think of? You know what? What's the thought process? I know I wanted a lot of kids. I want boys and girls. I have three boys. I would like to have a daughter. That's part of

the legacy I want to leave. I want to be able to raise a daughter who's intelligent, who's beautiful, who has a lot of self self worth. I want to be able to give the world a young lady with those type of attributes, and I feel like we collectively can do that. So part of my legacy is not only just doing everything I can for myself or for us, but it's also growing another productive member of society. And I want to do that to both a young man and a young woman. I have three boys. I want

a young daughter. If that means I have to sacrifice other aspects of my life that may not seem perfect and what I expected, then I'm willing to do that, because then I start to realize what I felt was perfect was only what was fed to me, you know what I'm saying. And I think that if if people would have fed to me the reality of being in a monogamous relationship from young I would have known what it was rather than creating done it or would you be like, I'm still doing it now. I'm still doing

it now. I don't I couldn't bail, but you didn't and you could. So we both made an active choice and continuously make an active choice to be here. It's like because prioritizing it is prioritizing, which brings me to some tips that we have for you guys, for sex after marriage, during marriage, all that good stuff. To have sex, you have to prioritize it. I think that's a necessity for me. I gotta make sure that I'm like mentally like, okay, days have passed and I'm like, oh shoot, like we

gotta get this done, you know. I'm like, do you know put it on the calendar for me so I can remember. Um, there's a natural ebb and flow in libido over time, and that's important. Ebb and flow. That's a good way to But that's a good analogy. That's a good, good little phrase. So you know it comes, you know, it comes and goes. Facts, don't let your solo sex life fall to the wayside. The more you have sex, the more you want it. The less you have it, the less you want it. In what world?

Doing sex can be a two person activity or a one person activity. In addition to helping you get in the mood for partner sex, masturbating can build your confidence. You don't subscribe to masturbating, you don't like that. I just don't like it because I have a woman that I'm in love with that's in the same house as me.

So you know, it just doesn't really doesn't really do much it for you because that's like, the minute you've done masturbating, I'll just be feeling guilty, like I'm masturbating like that for That's what I got a wife, is what I'm married for, you know. But but you did say that sometimes you try to warm yourself up. But I mean maybe maybe the more you have sex and maybe the more you get into it. I don't know.

That's a tip. I got a tip in abundance. Inabundance, Um, if you can't get into the mood, think about what's going on outside the bedroom. So is there something that's preventing you from getting there? Are you having other wrestlers things like that? Um? The reason is simple, what you do out of the bedroom can affect what's going on or not in the bedroom, so communicating with each other,

which I think we do in abundance as well. UM continuing to talk about sex, prioritizing other forms of sexual touch and intimacy, exploring other forms of intimacy. UM considering to see a sex therapist. UM. Shout out to to Shannon sham Booty on a guest on our show. I think that two seasons we're going to be show. Yeah, we're actually gonna be Yeah. Absolutely learn each other's love and desire. Languages could be different, gifts, quality time, acts

of service, Uh, words of affirmation, physical touch. Okay, so that brings me back to what makes things desirable for me? So you have said before like it. Yeah, I told you it wasn't something you were lacking physically. You know. I was thinking lately you real sexy when you like wash dishes and ships, like you know, just set up guy putting in a load of lines, you know, owing the grass. But we have a landscaper like that for that.

But I'm just saying, maybe like doing a couple of things around the house that kind of helps a bit. I know you're kind of spoiled because my mom lives with us, So you really don't have to do anything around the house. However, that pilot clothes that you have on the floor by the side of the bed after I've cleaned the room up, you know, your side of the closet, like it would be dope turn on for me, and it might be a turn on you know I'm

not doing Let's try it. We should try it. You know, we're going to revisit this whole sex thing after that. Picks up some stuff around the house that might make you even more sexy to me. Bro guys, this is this is how, this is, This is the This is what happens when God becomes. But this is what happens when God's become a simple you know, the simple the word you made us. I don't know if you look it up. Simps or dudes who just who just run after and do whatever their wife say. They just whatever

they women want, they do, they do they to. This often happens to husbands because wives will give lists of things that they can do to be considered more sexy in their wise eyes. And then when they do all of this ship and the wife still ain't putting out, then what well, I mean, this is gonna be a trial and ever for us, I can't say that it's going to be a hit or miss. It maybe a miss. If it's a miss, and then we know it don't work, oh my gosh. But on the list of things more desirable,

that was a good try. That was a good try, you know what I mean. That was a good try. So how about this? So how about we do this? So I'll try to do that. If you try to do the things that I've been asking you to do for ten years, that's fair. That's fair. That's fair because if we're going to be fair, I've been asking you to do something for ten years you haven't done. I've done,

just not consistently or so it's not done. And the frequency that you want it done as in every day the ration now that you like the stuff you come up with, it's amazing, Like you even your own world. In your own world, you exist in Codeine Lane. They for del You're gonna say, I am happy, I am here. You ain't going nowhere. That note I will say this code Land is great because I'll take what I can get,

but what I do get is freaking amazing. Let's take a quick break, because you all know how it is we gotta pay some bills and we'll be back with the listener letters copy. All right, we're back with Codeine's favorite time of the show. Right. I want to get into your sex lives, because y'all have gotten into mind. You know. Um, let's see if anybody else has parts in the room or whatnot. Oh my gosh, you know, people thinking that I'd be farting sex like that. I

cleared it up. I cleared it up. All right. So the first question for today, Hey val cod Hey, big fans of y'all, thank you. Do you think it's right to watch porn when you're married or in a committed relationship? This is easy. Whatever y'all decide, y'all to collectively. What is inbounds and out of bounds is up to y'all. If y'all decide collectively, did y'all want to watch porn? Cool? If your side you don't want to watch porn? Cool? But what happens if one wants to watch and one

doesn't want the other one to watch? That's why I said collectively. Everything has to be done collectively, like asking someone else was good for your marriage and never works. You have to figure out what's good for y'all too. So if they collectively decided they want to watch porn, or even if they collectively decide that they can watch porn alone, if it works for them, it works for them. Yeah, I mean personally, we don't have any issues at porn now,

we don't have an issues with poins. Just like that's how I learned some of my stuff. I'll be learning how what I'm saying, Conin, you want to get around, I gotta flip upside down and we do our own stunts, Yes we do. They got these things you do with her left legs. That the left leg movement they left about left leg And that's amazing because I'm righty sorest sexual. Remember that the next time you want to tell me somethingboy, tell me something about me. I got you, I got you.

You want to read the next one? I gotta read this a long one, right, let me and I got it. Y'all starts with y'all three exclamation things. Can I be good? Be good? Can I just say that you guys are awesome? And I mind the way you all have put your lives up there for others to see. The marriage is a beautiful thing. It worked, beautiful thing. It worked, but definitely worth it. With that said, I feel like we legit have a parallel life. I have been married for

ten years. We have three whole beautiful children seven four to my husband and high or high school sweethearts has been together now twenty one years inserted because that's what he says. Okay, since I was fifteen years old. I know my husband is an ex NFL player as well. We now have full old time careers and I focused on raising decent human beings. They do southing like us. We are still madly in love with each other and we are the best of friends. We have only had

one other. Uh, we've only had one another as a sexual partner and want to keep it that way. But I find it our sex life. He's becoming a bit mundane. I'm very communicative and asking him if he wants to spice things up with whatever he wants, but he says he's content and happy with what we do. I mentioned this past career because I want to be understood. His testosterone ideal with get it out to start a support group because you army and I am you. She says.

We get it in very regularly. He can't go too many days, like two maybe three. Jesus Christ, I did I write this without it, but it's the same thing. I want to change things up and also don't want to hurt his feelings and cause him to feel inadequate sexually. What do you guys suggest can work to improve in this area? Remind us whole episode and re listen to it. Because we are the same people, clearly, Um, I'll say this.

You know, Dean has because she doesn't always want to share everything about our sex life because you know, some things have to remain for the imagination. But CoDeeN has asked me to try some things with her that I was just like, I would have never thought that you would even like that or you would want to do that. And that's my wife. If she wants to do it, I feel like it's my responsibility to add heere with whatever she needs. That's and that's just me, Like everybody

doesn't feel that way. But if wife, you say she needs this, I'm on it. So and for me it became a thing of like, let's try this, Like since we're at a point where, yes, we've been together for a long time, we've been with each other exclusively for a long time, so it's like she can get very monotonous. So when you want to start introducing different things, different ways, different ideas, um knowing that the sex can get dry and not wanting it to get there, then it's just like, hey,

let's try this, you know. And I think that if you both are in a committed relationship like you said you are, you guys are still madly in love with each other like you said you are, You're still attracted to each other. Sometimes you gotta call and reinforcements. And enforcements don't mean necessarily another person, you know what I mean. It can be some other ship, you know what I mean. So, I mean you wanted me to use a vibrator one time, and then I ain't gonna lie first, I was like,

what you need to vibrated for? If you got me, I did feel like a little like taken back, like them, like why because she said she doesn't want him to feel inadequate, And actually, like I have to pull in other ships to make it work. And sometimes it's not a matter of just trying to get other stuff because you're lacking something. It's like, hey, I just want to

add something to my experience, just to try something different. Well, I mean it is hard for a man to feel like he's not satisfying his woman enough, especially his wife. And I'll be the first to say, you're taught from young you know, like you satisfy your man, your your girl, like that's your job, you know, so you don't need no toys, you don't need on this. So you think that if you're not doing it, if she says she

requires that, that you're not fulfilling your job. And she said, you know he's outpha male and sinstash on is how you played in the NFL. He probably feels like he can solve everything. He wants to be everything own boy talk. So listen. I I have learned. This is is one thing I learned. I remember growing up, being in my teenage years. You thought that the pounding was the best way to make a woman orgasm, right you You think that, you know, the bigger, the harder you are, the harder

you hit it. You know, the longer you can hit it, the more she's gonna orgasm. Until you become an adult and you start to listen to women speak, and then you do research and you find out that of women do not orgasm from penetration, they orgasm from clatoral stimulation, and some women require clatoral stimulation while getting penetration. And for some women it's just like, you know what, if I've been doing this this way, maybe I want to try something different. So you gotta put your ego aside

and realize that, bro, it ain't even about you. At this point. Your wife is saying she needs something. You have to adhere to what she's saying. And I can empathize with her in that your body changes after children, after multiple children, so what you might have liked before,

I'm not really feeling it this time around. You know that happens because we spoke about it on that episode last season where things that were like here's my analogy again, things that were like green light, it's now like yellow, and then things that used to be like a red lightlight. Hell no, it's like it's a yellow we can try, or same things that we're green it's like stop red, Like no, we ain't doing that no more because my body does not like that anymore, or something. So I

think it's a work in progress. It evolves, you know, the sex life definitely evolved, especially if you've been together and been married for so long. So I hope you all talking about it, having conversations about it, and you know, being open minded enough to try new things. If that works for you. Guys, Yeah, y'all keep talking about it. You'll keep talking about be open, open with each other. And and good luck to y'all and God bless you. Know,

y'all sound like y'all a great partners in life. So because it sounds like we should get together, maybe we'll have our support group and you'll have your support group. You know. If you'd like to be featured as one of our listener letters, be sure to email us at dead Ass Advice at gmail dot com. That's D E A D A S S A d V I C E at gmail dot com. Um, this is my moment of truth. UM. For men, it's important for you to understand this. Your ideas of what you think being in

a monogamous relationship is, descratch it. Once you find the person that is your soul mate that you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with, that person will then help you figure out what that idea of monogamy is right. So don't go into any relationship saying if this is what monogamy is, and this is what I expect from sex through that monogamy. You're going

to be disappointed because it hasn't hasn't happened yet. You and that person haven't gotten together yet and haven't developed that. Another moment of truth for me is that all those sex is important for me, and it is that that the top of my totem pole when things one of the things at the top of my porple is not the top of the top, I still want to build a leg to see. Um. I love pleasing my wife,

you know what I'm saying. I love having kids. I love being a great father, and more than anything else, that is what being married is about to me. So sex throughout all of that is great, But that makes it worth it. So in a lot of ways that whole thing about a man will just have less sex happily for peace in his house. I guess it's kind of true, because I know that's not true because I have on many occasions just beside you know what, I do like seeing you smile. I do like seeing you happy.

I don't want to strust you out with it. And if you're skipping around and happy, I'm cool. You know what I'm saying, like I'm uncol and that that doesn't make me feel good. You know, yes, look at you. He's just trying to get some tonight, y'all. That's all that is, just just just just the ponytail down. That's all I need right there, just like it. I love it well my moment. The truth is quick. Treating sex like it's just a random, stagnant thing is just not

gonna work. Sex is always evolving, and it's evolving in many ways, not just physically, but it's emotionally. It's involving your partner in it, having the open discussions about it. As hard as it may be for the other to hear, I think it's just necessary. So put your egos aside, put the egos aside, and just really listen to what each other needs. And then you create your own action plan in your mind of how you want to shift that now, something that you know your girls working on

on a day to day basis. I'm trying to make us all happy up in here, you know what I mean, genuinely happy too, So that's not something that's forced. Also, real quick, I don't want to forget the young women who hit me up who said they have the reverse who their sex drive is higher than their their significant others and they said they're they're made to feel like horrors or they made to feel like something is wrong

with them. No, if you're a young lady who have a high sex drive, you just have a high sex drives. There's no nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you. You know what I'm saying. Try to find somebody who can rock with you and don't feel a way about expressing how you feel. Because the reason why codina not work is because we openly talk about how we feel.

So if he's rocking with you, don't feel uncomfortable, let him know that you need it more and hopefully he can adhere to what you need and do what he needs to do with We gave you some tips, send me some tips. I got plenty of tips. I told you. I want to know from the Living with the Overactive

sex strinth, is there something? There's something all right? Now? Well, be sure to find us and follow us on social media, dead as the podcast, and of course you can find Medina I am and I Am Devout And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate review and subscribe. Dead As Go, Get You Some Names. Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast network Again. It's produced by Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcasts on social media at dead as The Podcast and Never Miss a Thing