Parents. Never underestimate the power of listening to your children.
That's a fact, dead ass, And don't be that parent. That's just like, it's not my child. When you get advice from others, be diligent about looking into whatever that set issue may be.
Dead ass.
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.
You may know us from posting funny videos with our.
Voys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I make you need therapy most days.
Wow.
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are.
We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics, things.
Most folks don't want to talk about.
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing about the truth. We about to take philosof to our whole new level.
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So I remember exactly where I was when I started to wonder, like what exactly was going on?
But Dakota specific Dakota Okay.
And it was trying to remember the month. I remember exactly when it happened, but it was during Jackson's football practices where I was spending a lot of time with Jackson, and me and Jackson were spending like three or four days together a bunch of hours preparing for football, and the koda. I'll come in the house and Dakota runs up to me, gives me a hug, right, and I'm saying, what's up, buddy? And now at this point, the coda's turning two, right, And I noticed that when he said
certain sounds, or try to say certain sounds. I said things to him. He would say like eat, and I would say, hey, what's up, buddy? You know what I'm saying. You having a good time? And rather than say yes, he would say eight. So at first I was like, it's interesting because he's not mimicking me. He's not imitating me, he's just making a sound. So at first I was like, it's not that big a deal. You know, he's not even two yet. You know, it is what it is.
Then I remember on his second birthday when I was just like, oh, he's two now. I remember the boys around there two year old birthdays you know, they can scream out yay, you know what I'm saying, hi, bye bye. And then I remember his second birthday. We were doing like we do with all of them. We have a little cake and we celebrating with him, and I said, yo, your pample needs to be changed. Go get your pampa.
I said, your pampa dirty. And then he said and I said, he's two now, he should be saying yes at this point he should. And what threw me off is that he's been saying mama, Dad, Papa, Mimi, and roro since he was like right after one. He's been saying those namesames. But now he's still only saying those words clearly, and he's saying eat. At that moment, I
was like, maybe I should look into something. And that's when you took him for his two year old check check up and the doctor said, I want you guys to take Dakota to see a speech pathologist.
Speech therapist be evaluated.
He should be saying fifty words at this point or more and he was only saying those five. Yep.
But the best part about it is that you told him to get his pamper. He brought the pamper, the wipes, and the A and D ointment and then laid on the couch like change me, sir. So it was several things here because he understands what you're saying. He was able to get everything done. But it's like, bro, you should also probably be using the potty now too. Karaoke time.
So in honor of Dakota's middle name, his namesake, his name, I'm going to sing this song because I want this song to also resonate not only with him but with other parents. Yes, y'all know the Coolda's middle name is Marley.
That's a fact why I say this. But't worry because it's gonna be alright. Yes, saying don't worry about because.
It's gonna be alright.
That's a fact. Everything's gonna be all right, baby, Yes, it's all good. Let's go pay some bills and we're gonna dive into this. This is something that we felt like we wanted to share with you. Guys are dead Ass family because in the spirit of sharing, like we always do, we're very transparent about what's happening in our lives. And since Dead Ass Podcast has kind of evolved into like a chronological order of what we're dealing with at the time. You know, we don't have a ton of
guests anymore. We just love to talk to you guys directly. You can hear what's going on with our life, you guys to get at this point, you guys are the guests exactly. So we want to talk to you guys about what we've been diving into when it comes to our baby boy number four, Dakota, So stick around and we'll be back.
All right, So let's talk a little bit more about story time because Kadeen and I feel like, first of all, d Coda is fine.
Yes, let's start there.
They had him tested. We had him tested. We took him to a speech therapist. Yes, and they do a series of tests for children his aims.
Yeah, Deval and I were able to sit in on that as well to kind of see what the therapist was going to assess him on, you know, just to be of support and to also kind of get some tips and tricks about things we could start to work on with him immediately while we were waiting for the results of the assessment.
And the biggest thing I learned from the assessment of there's two types of communication for children. Yes, they work on the receptive yes and then expressive yes, Donora, I mean doora Dakota. When it came to the receptive part of it scored very well.
Yeah.
He pointed out over fifty shapes, colors, animals, shoes, bags, birds, things I didn't even know. She was like pointing to your eyes, ears, mouth, chin, hair, elbow, knee. She's like, wow, he knows all of his body parts. He knows all of the objects that someone his age is supposed to know and more.
She also gave him some direction like can you go and get the ball? Can you go and get this? So he was doing all of those things so he understood exactly what was happening.
He also was able to take direction for specific things that were a little bit more advanced. For example, can you take the ball out of the cup and give one ball to Daddy and give one ball to me? So it was like watching him do certain things. There was a moment there where Kadeen and I, you know, got a little emotional because I know I got emotional in part because I felt like we were the problem. Absolutely, you know, as parents want to get into why I
felt like we were the problem. But when it came time to him for him to express himself. It was like he was choosing not to speak.
And it's hard because it's like, in that moment, we're wondering, is he shy because this is a stranger that he's never met before, so that level of comfort hasn't been established. Is he just being stubborn and just doesn't want to talk or say anything.
I was a hearing issue. They wanted to see if it was a hearing issue. But we tested for hearing and.
That was fine, fine colors. So me as mom, you know, I start to kind of think about and it's hard because you have three children prior, and I tend to kind of compare, you know, where the other boys were at that phase. So I remember Jackson and Kaz. They spoke very clearly and very eloquently earlier on so meaning like you know a little over a year going into two, they were saying.
A lot, but they weren't speaking I guess much. For example, like Kiro Chyro was gibberish.
Right, So Cairo, I was gonna say, had like this. We used to joke about it and call it Kyrones like his own language, because he was so animated and he would just be babbling a lot, so we knew that he was trying to express himself. But once he finally caught his command of the English language, then it was like words speaking, full blown singing, I mean everything.
So I for a while, when Dakota was approaching to my mom and my sister at two different points, had mentioned like, do you notice like the court doesn't really say as much, he doesn't repeat as much. So I was like, we'll give him a chance. Because every child is different, they developed differently, and just because we're the same two parents having four children, they're all so different and his pace may be different than the others. And let's face it, he's in a household with seven other
people who we be talking all the goddamn time. You know what I'm saying, well six because my dad is very quiet.
But I remember that, Yeah, my.
Dad is super quiet, so you know, between his brother's running around here, it was just kind of like we figured naturally he would just start talking because everybody else is talk Can we talk to him? We talk with him, you know. So there were things that I necessarily didn't see as a red flag because of that, and in retrospect now, and I think even in this moment when
we were at the therapist's office and stuff. I got emotional because I felt like, man, was I doing him a disservice by not being more tuned in Earlier.
I would I would say yes, and not you. I would say we as a collective. Yeah, And this is just a PSA for all parents. Typically, when you get to the second, third, fourth child, it's you know, wills are in motion. You know, Jackson got practiced, Kiro got art. No, Kiro has practiced, Kaz has art. We also have a tour, we're both working, and then the fourth child is like, well, he's around his brother, she'll figure it.
Out, right, Or here's Mimi and Papa with him. You know, he's in good hands during the day, right.
So we figured it out. When when you really look at it, that's not how we raised any of our other children. Jackson had specific time from one to two where he was just with dad at home. Yes, Cairo had specific time between one and two where he was just with dad at home. Jazz had that specific time where he was home with Mimi and we were working and she was focused on doing mem Sorry, But then when I look back at the colder, I said you know the colde is too now, and he's had no
specific time with anyone. Pops is not an early childhood educator. Pops is a man of few words. Pops, like most granddads do, will put on whatever it is you want to watch. I'm gonna make sure you're healthy. I'm gonna make sure you're not bleeding. I'm gonna make sure and we're gonna show. So Pops would put on Coco melon. We as parents were just like, oh, it's cocomelon.
This is good. Like kids, they're singing, they learned songs. He's doing the wheels of the bus. Okay. Cool.
So when I go back and think about the two years, the code has been spending a lot of time in this house with a man who does not say much at all. So if you're a young toddler, who are you conversing with? If no one is speaking to you. His brothers go to school every day. When they come home, they go outside and play with each other until five six o'clock. Then they come inside and then it's getting
ready to time for bed. No one's really paying specific attention to Dakota, right, And the reason why I feel like that's been the problem is because he's been to speech therapy now for three weeks and now he can repeat, which means all we had to do.
Which starts the process of time.
That was unfair to him.
For sure, because you know, between Papa and then Mimi being here, I know mimis a lot more vocal and all that, but also too, like, it's not their responsibility per se to make sure that they are you know, being an educator, you know, it's a plus that we do have mom and dad here to assist, but the responsibility is not all on them to be able to do that. And we typically don't start our boys in school until they can speak. Jackson by two and a
half was speaking and Cairo was the same thing. Kaz didn't have that opportunity because of the pandemic, but we normally put them in school so that the socialization component also encourages them to speak more their vocabulary expanse, because the teachers are now giving them more like So we also now reassessed when we were going to start Koda in school, thinking, you know what, let's start him immediately, because during those days when the boys are at school,
you and I may have work or we're traveling. If he's at least in a school environment or an educational environment, he may be more apt to pick things up. Yes, so those are a couple of things that we have tried to do more recently once we discover that, you know what, he might be behind, like two or three months.
And to be honest, when I think about even Cairo and Kaz, Cairo babbled earlier.
Aggressed that, like a lot of things, right.
Kaz was more articulate, but Kaz also was less vocal up until he was four. Yes, so even if you go back and look at the videos, Kash just did not speak to people. But there was moments where I remember Kaz was two and a half, Yes, mommy, I would like that, thank you.
Yes.
So it's like he won't speak, but when he speaks.
Yes, he's articulate, professor, He was.
Little, little professor, but Cairo was at and then now Cairo doesn't speak as much, but Kaz is super vocal. He has a bunch of questions. So I want to say that too. So also, don't don't put one barometer on all your children. If they're not doing this by this time, something is wrong. They evolved, they learned differently. They choose when they want to communicate and when they don't want to communicate. But this is also important what they watch. Yes, because Coda loved to watch Coco Melon.
Which we didn't know is an over stimulant for children. Had no clue, So it's actually a deterrent for babies and children. They shouldn't be watching Coco Melon. In turn, they should be watching things like Miss Rachel, who was a human who's actually speaking to them, and she's words and she's encouraging the mimicking. You know. That's a more educational route when it comes to TV and screen time, which has.
Helped him because he's learned, he's learned how to pronounce certain words. I play that Miss Rachel Wheels on the Bus video so much, but now he's wheels on the bus and he's.
Doing it in the car today.
Actually, just practicing the use of that language while watching a human do it is different than watching a cartoon that looks like the alien with the words underneath and the bouncing ball and music and flashing lights. For young kids, they don't know what they're seeing. And I remember watching Sesame Street and think about how primitive Sesame Street is the letter of the day is A say A and they put that A up there a A and it's like, yo, like, my kid ain't slow. But then when you think it.
Was a method to that madness, Yes there was a method to that, which makes sense. So it's like going back to the roots of some things that are just timeless when it comes to early childhood development and education, which we didn't know. So yeah, it's been one of those things where Deval and I kind of struggled a bit with it because you know, naturally his parents would want to be able to give our kid every opportunity to be successful, even at two wherever he should be
at two. But I also once I spoke to his doctor at that two year checkup, she didn't seem overly concerned because there were other milestone markers that he met, Like she literally gave me this whole exam that I had to fill out for him. Can he do this? Can he take a ball and put it in a cup? Can he stack blocks?
Like?
Can he take direction if you ask him to put something in the garbage? Like there were things that he was doing, so she wasn't overly concerned. And though she made the recommendation to have him evaluated. I didn't want to be that parent that sometime gets yeah, that panics or also gets offended. And she kind of was like treading lightly with when she told me. She's like, you know, I'm just making a recommendation to you and our doctor. I love her to death. She's a sister too, so
I'm just like, shoot it straight to this. If it was baby, what would you do? Like, you don't want to tiptoe around me. I'm not a sensitive parent, like say what it is. And she's just like, no, I would recommend just getting him at least evaluated. So I said, I appreciate that, sad because I'm not the parent that's just like, no, my child is fine. You ain't only labeling my child. It wasn't that for me. It was like what do I need to do to set him
up for success? Absolutely, And the minute she said that, I found a speech therapist that I really liked in the.
Areas day when Kadeen does not play when it comes to education. The next day she's like, the vow, these are the speech therapist. When do you have time? We went together and we made it a point to let the doctors know that he has both of his parents in his life who are going to be here in this process absolutely, because I always also feel like when they see both mom and dad, yes they know that not only the baby is supported, but mom supported. He's
not going to be a combative thing. Where now we don't know if we're going to get the child all the time, because sometimes it's like, oh, my son don't need that. You know, you can take them when you want. My son don't need that. Then when Dad's turn to take them, he's not taking them right right. No, I wanted to be very clear that they knew that Dakoda was supported by both of us for sure.
For sure, and so far, I mean, he hasn't been exposed to the school environment yet. So the first visit was a little bit kind of you know, he was apprehensive. He was just like, where are we going? Where I'm going with this.
Lady came to his first one?
Yeah, everyone tour. Now it's funny, like it's good that you mentioned me because this jogged idea or you know something I wanted to say before. But Mimi is grandma. Okay, Mimi is Grandma. She's fabulous, and all we know that but at the end of the day, she is grandma, and those boys know that Mimi has a weakness for them. Yes, and Mimi is going to do whatever it is they
want her to do and pop up. But I say Mimi specifically because when Mimi took him to his visit, he was like, eh, I don't want to, Like he was sticking in clinging to Mimi and did not want to go with the speech therapist because he knows with Mimi. Yeah. So even to say if Mimi sits down with him and she's doing flash cars or colors, he's not engaging with her in that capacity, Nope, because Mimi is fun
as she should be, you know. So that's when Deval and I had to step back and say, you know what, that's not Mimi's sole responsibility to have to do that. Do we encourage it during the day when she has time with him, Absolutely, But the boys know that Mimi and Papa will always try to bail them out of a situation. Absolutely, you know. And that's the particularly difficult thing about having my parents living full time. Sometimes the lines get blurred when it comes to boundaries and parameters
and things that they have permission to do. So it's funny to see how Dakota acted differently when Mimi took him into therapy versus when you and I took him.
That's a great point because that also puts us on notice of how important it is for us to not put off all of our responsibilities on your parents, right, because a lot of our parents do that.
You know.
It was just like, oh, well, my parents got him, so that's that's cool. There is a dynamic there between grandparents and grandchildren that is unspoken, but everyone knows what it is. And that dynamic is this, my grandparents love me so much more than they love my parents, and I can get away with not doing what my parents say with my grandparents absolutely. Now there's also a different dynamic between mom and dad. For example, me and Kay
took Kolder to a second one. The minute we get there, he looks at me, he looks at Kay, he separates from us because it's almost as if he knows, like, okay, I can't do the Mimi thing. This is going to do what they want me to do. Right. We get down there and the doctor says, you know, when he came the last time, he didn't repeat any words. I can't write down what Mimi says that he says at home. I have to hear it. So then I go say, Mama, Mama,
say Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, who's Dakota me? And she's like, oh wow. I said yes, because there's a different disciplinary action. Mom is sitting there at me and Kase sitting there. I said, he has to learn how to do these things when we're not here. I said, Yo, Dakota, we're going to leave. We're not sneaking out. We don't do the sneak out thing. We're going outside. We will be right back, buddy. Okay. He looked at us and he kind of was walking towards the door, and in Case
said no, baby, you have to wait. You have to stay. And at that moment it was like okay, Dad said have to stay. Mom gave me reassurance I'll be fine.
Yes.
We walked out, closed the door, we listened to see if we was going to hear the cry, and then we just kept it go on. And that to me was also important because I had my mom and my dad here. They're both telling me that they're going to be back. Yes, Dad always is the disciplinarian, but Mom takes care of me. So it seems like in his heart he like, they won't let me. Nothing happen to me.
I'll be fine, right, And then when he came.
Back in the doctor was just like night and day. I don't know what happened. And I'm like.
Yeah yeah, She's like yeah, he was great. He was great. So then here we are this morning was his fourth visit. I believe four visits now, God so slowly, little by little. On that second visit, well, first visit with me me because we were on tour. Yes, he didn't want to leave me me's side. Second visit with mom and dad. Ten minutes in we left the room, little tentative, but he stayed, but he stayed. Third visit, we made it into the waiting area. Then the therapist came out, Hey, Dakota,
do you want to go play with the bubbles? Do you want to play with the pig? There's this one tour that he likes this pig. So he was like, oh yeah, like he knew, gone walked in with her today when I went today. Dival didn't go today, but I went today to take him. And as soon as she saw my car pull up, she was outside and she took him out of the car. See and she was like, hey, Coda, good to see you today. Are we going to go talk? And he went and walked right in with her. Now he did look back about
three four times. Yo, you go no hot tail it out of here. So I was like, mommy's gonna go get some gas and come back. Okay, you're gonna go with miss and I said her name and he just kind of nodded, and I said, you're gonna say yes, and he said yes, and then he went inside. And she text me a couple of minutes in and she's like, he's great.
That's that's progress.
That's progress already. And then I come out of the visit. Now she sees my car pulled back up and she brings him out back to the car and she was like wow. She said, you guys have really been working with him, haven't you. And I said, I said, listen, girl, I said, we don't play games over here. You tell us what we have to do, we're gonna do it. And then some she said, I can tell. She said he's doing way more mimicking. He's repeating, he was saying
help me, he said please. He just so many things that he's just he.
Said please, said he said please, because Dakota also been watching Miss Rachel. So there's two things I know that he likes to sign, well three things. He will sign thank you, he will sign please, he will sign more yes. But she said to work on saying more and sign it and saying please.
So he actually please today to her. So she was trying to get him to do help me please, but she said that's a little ambitious, just three words together. But he does help me. And then he did please separately, which was great because he was reliant a lot on the sign language too, which in the very beginning when you're teaching children sign language, it's just an easier way for you to communicate with them when they're super young, right, absolutely.
But I didn't realize because he's the first child that we really did sign language with, and I didn't realize how much of a reliance he had on the sign language, and I didn't know if that was also interfering with his actual verbal as well.
I did think about that because Solving's children slicks children remember they speak multiple language, and I remember Rema because she's also big on neurological movement in early child education. Children who learned multiple languages and sign language typically don't speak as early as someone who learns one good point, so they typically they're trying to figure out which word and which language do I use in this moment, So at times it could be confusing, yes, and then once
they hit the ground, it's boomed. So at times I thought, well, maybe the sign language is throwing him off, but it wasn't that. It was really just us in lack of lack of repetition. But we also have a really good village because once we told Papa and Mimi no cocomelon. Papa and Mimi does not put cocomelon on that television. His brothers are very diligent because we made it a
family thing. We said, hey, guys, your brother's not speaking where we want him to speak yet, so we have to do a better job of not giving him the things he wants until he repeats. So if he's saying, you know, juice, don't just go because that's what you know, big brothers do. He would grab Kiro's hand, Ro Ro Ro Ro walk Cairo all the way to the fridge, right open it and point and Kiro would just get it, open it and give it to him. So now I'm like, Kyro,
you can't do that. You got to make him say juice. And then Kiro was gonna frustrat. He's like, Dad, he won't repeat us. I said, start with you just jeah. So I'm watching him now he's pulling him. He's just like because Kiro wouldn't give it to him. So I'm like, these are the things we have to do as a family to help him get into that repetition of saying what he wants, not just pointing.
Listen, y'all, it'd be celebrations up in here several times a day, okay, Like it's over the top, and like you said, we do have a great village. Mom and Dad have now been making sure that they're compliant with everything that we want to enforce. And just even like friends and family who come by, like my sister's in town and she's just like, you have to say cup cup yep. You know, Uncle Matt is just like, no, say say this word, say that word.
Like, I'm glad you brought that up. It was never an embarrassment thing for us. You know how some parents get embarrassed and said, oh my child is speech to lake, don't tell anyone.
Because we quite frankly didn't even have to do an episode on this. We could have just been like, all right, we'll just let it rock. But but why we.
Have to stop shaming people who learn differently. We're shaming children who don't do everything on par with the rest of our children. How about we rally around them. You can't have the village rally around them if you're too ashamed to tell people. My child may be a little delayed because of something I did, or maybe something that's.
Wrong with he didn't do it, well, I didn't do right.
You don't know. But our village, all of our friends. The first thing we tell him, hey, we're dealing with a speech delayed with the coda. So if he points to something, if he tells me, try to get him to repeat. You know, he has all his uncles. Here is Josh here, Matt here, Uncle Chris comes with my brother. Were telling everybody in our family, Hey, this is what we're dealing with. We need you'all to rally around it. So we implore anyone who's going through this with a child,
don't be ashamed. No, you don't have to feel like something is wrong and most of the time speech delays are not permanent. No speach delays or something early. You can boom and they'll be like I never would have thought that he was.
And all it took was a little refocusing on our side, right because like we said when we talked about even just like this being our last tour and us just not having like the capacity to be able to do it between work and family and stuff. These are the things that we are taking into consideration, like having to spend more time physically in the house with our children because they're all dealing with something different and it's four different things that one time we have coded with the
speech delay. You know, Jackson had a low moment last night. We had to talk to him about some stuff like there's always something that somebody is dealing with and there's no more power than being here physically to deal with it head on.
And not for nothing, Jackson wasn't speech delayed, but Jackson dealt with a stuttering issue.
I forgot. Yeah, Jackson was stuttering, which is part.
Of the reason why we were so adamant about putting him in debate, because with Jackson, his issue was thinking fast and trying to get the words out without saying, hey, let the words come. And Jackson be thinking and thinking and he's very I forgot the exact word, but he's almost like a computer when we.
Take downloading and he's trying to say it while it's downloading, and it's buffering.
Buffering, That's what it was like. He was buffering, and I'm like, bro, so you don't have to rush and get it out. And then the practice, the constant practice is staying on him and say the end of the words and working on different exercises.
It was a concern for me early on, only because I'm stuttering runs in my family on my mom's side. Remember my grandfather. My grandfather studied his entire life. I have an aunt who's still to this day studies. She's a lot better now. She's actually an ELA teacher, which is amazing that I'm proud of her because she's overcome so much of it. She does still have it every now and again, but she's overcome a lot of it.
And then another aunt of mine stuttered as well too, So when Jackson was stuttering early on, I'm like, oh my god, this this is just like a genetic thing that he couldn't overcome. But I'm thinking about back then, my grandfather didn't have the resources within his community developmentally to get any kind of therapy if that was necessary. But with us, we did speak to his pediatrician about it at the time Jackson, and he too didn't seem too concerned, but he did say, that's probably what it is,
just practicing. So between debate and then seeing Jackson on stage age at the Apollo introducing you and delivering this whole speech that he wrote, it was just a proud moment for us too, because he's come a long way with that. Well.
For the past couple of years, he has exercise that he and I do right, And when I feel like sometimes he's getting ahead of himself, I say, slow down, Yeah, say red Rover, red Rover, Win is just really over and you'll say it, say who, what, where? When? Why? How?
Say she sells by the sea shore And it teaches him to slow down, say the beginning and the end of every word, and just those constant practices became muscle memory because he used to he used to struggle with the s's, the w's in the rs and it was like the minute we get to ess and I'm like hey, hey, and it was like not shaming him, No, definitely, you know, not doing things like I hear some some parents when I was in Prototype, had a couple kids who used
to stutter with stammer and they would be stuttering, and you would hear mothers yo get on stammer and stammering and screaming, and then their kids would be shocked and they would be stopping.
I'd be like yo, yo, like right because for them, of course, it can be embarrassing.
Of course, and we're talking about kids who were eight nine years old. We're still in that development phase, like their brains haven't really fully developed in so they don't know what's going on. And we do a lot more harm to our children by ignoring their issues and then shaming them in front of other people for not self correcting their own issues that they don't know that they have.
Absolute they're not even equipped to be able to do that. So we have some facts and stats that I want to jump into just some overall general things that Triple has come up with for you guys. When we're talking about developmental potential delays with children, Timely identification of delay by primary care physicians can allow for early intervention and reduce disability.
So, like we said, going through two year old checkup.
Two year old check and those milestone marker checkups are super important to make sure that you're on One out of five children will learn to talk or use words later than other children their age. Some children will also show behavioral problems because they are frustrated when they can't express what they want or need.
Now think about that, you said one in five have four boys, right, right, So it means that if you know one of them.
Probability one of them may.
They might not all of them or all of them. But we knew we were going to get one.
Right, and we got one. Yeah, exactly, And it's funny. I do notice sometimes the CODA gets annoyed or frustrated if he's trying to express what something that he wants and he can't say the words yet, but he'll get upset, so he'll just either motion for or sign something that he wants. Simple speech delays are sometimes temporary. They may resolve on their own or with a little extra help
from family. It's important to encourage your child to talk to you with gestures or sounds, and for you to spend lots of time playing with them, reading to them, talking with your infant or toddler, and in some cases your child will need more help from a trained professional, a speech and language therapists to learn to communicate. One thing, I also realized that we weren't doing with Coda as much that we did with the younger boys. For example, he's in this house a lot. Yes, he's not out,
he's not exploring. You know, Dad will take him on walks and stuff during the day to get some fresh air. But Jackson, Cairo and Kads were literally intransit with us all the time. So when we're in the car and we're driving around Brooklyn, you point out the building, the car, the truck, this, the dog. And there was a lot more of that happening with our three younger boys, whereas with Coda just be like fresh Prince of fresh Prince of atl children in the house all day that Now
I'm like, okay, I'm going to be more deliberate. The weather's getting nicer, yep, I'm going to take him to the park more. We're going to have moments where he can go shopping with me, we can point things out like That's one thing I realized that we weren't doing with the Coda that we did with the other three. And research suggests that the first six months of life are the most crucial for the child's development of language skills.
For a person to become fully competent in any language, exposure must begin as early as possible, preferably before school age.
I would have to definitely agree with this. When you have your first child, you put all your energy into the first. Then you have the second, you have to split time you have the third. It's impossible to split time between two and your career. So it's typically the third child is the one who gets the least amount of love. I saw it with my family, my sister Tori with Sakari.
Not the least amount of love.
But you're not love. They don't get the least amount of love. But I mean, I mean, I will, I would say love even you know, my parents probably hugged up and kissed up on us more than they did my sister, because you know they did you. Yeah, there's just so much going on and that affection component. When I watched the speech therapists with Dakota, all they're doing is playing. And when I mean love that's the type of love.
And positive reinforcements, of course.
But but with Jackson, I took time with love to let's play with the blocks. With Dakota, I'm not gonna lie. There were times like, yo, go find your brothers because I figured he has someone who's gonna play with it. But these little dudes is on the video game playing roadblocks and they don't got time for a toddler. It's unfair as parents if you're going to continue to have children to not say I'm going to give the same amount of love, attention and discipline to the fourth as
I did to the first. And I know I'm guilty of that, absolutely, That's what I feel like it's going to change. That's like you see huge wake up call for why are we not going on tour as much? Why are we not doing as much. It's also just more imperative that we spend time with them because they talk about early childhood development the first six months. But now Jackson is in that middle school age. He needs still needs dad's attention.
Oh for sure.
Cayrol and kas are in elementary school, so they need our attention. So we're at a point now where it's like The most important thing is our children and how they develop, for sure.
And I think you and I can do a good job once we put the time and effort into it by dividing and conquering. So maybe you designating a day where you're like, yo, I'm rocking with Cairo today, babe, Okay, I'm doing something with him. And then I'm like, all right, cool, I got colder, Like I pull out a ton of books already, Like I've been rearranging the play area just to make sure that I'm doing those things with him deliberately.
What you said is something that I noticed too. You've given them now a designated learning area. Yeah, they had that when we were in Calabasis. Yes, they had that. When we got here, we never had a designated learning area. Whereas this is the time where we're going to sit down, and yes, and Dakota needs that. That's the regiment they need sometimes while you get a speech therapist because they know what this time on these days, I'm going.
To learn for sure. For sure, children three and younger showing signs of speech, language, or developmental delays maybe referred to an early intervention specialist. Early intervention is a federal and state funded program that helps children and their families,
which is awesome for families if you have insurance. That was one of the things that Deval and I were able to look into where pretty much all of his visits will be covered by insurance because they're in support of making sure that children have what they need, particularly when it comes to early intervention specialties and stuff like that.
And that's important because so many families feel like I can't afford this service.
So that you just may shy away from me.
Shy away from minute. All you have to do is do to research to find out what you qualify.
For advocate for your child. And I have another friend of ours who her son is on the spectrum and she's realizing he had a hearing issue. There's a couple of things happening and baby. She went to town trying to find every resource, every grant, every doctor who was within whatever network to make sure that her son got every opportunity. I mean, there's some really really high end
schools that are specialized in early intervention specialties. So yeah, you have to do your research as the parent and see what's available to you at little to no costs, you know, So all right, y'all, So stick around. We are going to come back with listener letters. Hope that
with some helpful information for you all. And of course we always want to encourage parents to you know, when the parent guilt kicks in, try to reel that back in and just say, you know what, instead of making this about me, how can I spend the energy being positive and proactive about helping my child? So stick around. We're going to pay some bills and we'll be back with listener letters.
All right, guys, we're back. So we are back with Kadeen's favorite part because I'm gonna go first today. Hey, y'all, I need a little advice. So I'm thirty with a nine year old son and my boyfriend is thirty three with no kids. We have officially been together for two years. We have been living together for a year and a few months now. A couple months into moving in, I noticed that he didn't want to have sex as much, and since then we have only been having sex once
or twice a month now. Beforehand, our sex life was filled with so much passion intimacy, so I knew that something was wrong. He mentioned a few things when I brought it up. He said that stepping into a stepdad role was a lot in him just not being happy about the area that we lived in. But something was just not adding up, because what does that have to do with sex. It would be times that my son
isn't home and he still wouldn't touch me. Then eventually, after a few conversations, he tells me that my weight is alarming for him, and I understood because I knew I was gaining weight and I felt uncomfortable myself. I am one hundred and sixty five pounds and I'm four eleven. Definitely a thick girl, but I'm not obese. I put on about thirty pounds since we met. Thirty pounds on a four foot eleven frame is a lot of weight
I noticed as a trainer. I'm not judging you missed, but thirty pounds on a four to eleven frame, I'm speaking as an athlete when we talk about weight for years, you know, especially dealing with women. So yeah, now I know he says it's alarming, but he didn't tell me how serious it actually was for him. So once we made two years, I sat him down and told him I couldn't take it anymore. And I am sexually frustrated,
which is good. You should tell him that. Then he started telling me how he feels about my weight again. He's now in the habit of just relieving himself. He sometimes puts a pillow over his face. What He sometimes puts a pillow over his face when we have sex and does not try to please me anymore. And it dawned on me he really can't stomach the thought of having sex with me at all, and that fucked with
me heavy. He would still show me affection like kisses and hugs on a daily basis, So in my head I was thinking that he still found me somewhat attractive, but I guess when it comes to sex, he just can't look past it. I know I'm going to get fit and slim down just because I want it for myself. But my question is should I even stay with someone who can't handle the fluff because it sounds like being slim is necessity for him, and I don't want to feel like I have to constantly look a certain way
for him to accept me. Thank you for reading love y'all.
Who that was a lot. That was a lot. I will say, first of all, you getting into whatever shape that you feel most comfortable with. Has to start with doing it for you. Yes, that's first and foremost. Nobody can tell you make you feel you want to have to do this because you're the one that has to physically put in the work. Yes, put in the time,
changed diet. There's been many times when devo and it's only I'm saying I'm using this as a reference only because it's what I wanted where I would be like, man, I'm trying to get back after this baby, or you know, I have something that I want to do or trip coming up, and I want to fit into a certain outfit. And he was holding me accountable because I said I wanted to look a certain kind of way.
That's fair, but I also wanted you to look a certain way. I don't want that to be to go.
Oh yeah. I was going to give your chance to say that too, because that's also very necessary. But I wanted to be able to feel comfortable with myself. But I had to be the one that was ready to do the work. That being said, sis, I think it's unfair if your guy met you a certain kind of way for you to then let yourself go that far and then not take into consideration that how that might
affect him. And that's just me being completely honest. I like I in my circumstance with Devo, for example, I know that Deval likes when I'm in shape, he likes when I'm fit, and I felt like I wanted to get back to a space where this is when Deval met me, I looked like this. I want to be back there for him as well too. Now does it mean that he's no longer going to love you if you gained thirty pounds, Now that's a problem.
That is because Cadeen gained forty pounds with Jackson and I still loved her. Yeah, and I mean I still loved her like the fluff and forty pounds on a five foot five frame is still a lot of weight, but it was distributed nicely. So again, in my in my defense, I was still in love with how she looked even before she gained weight. But I also knew that that was temporary. I knew that there was going
to be a process. I also want to add this that doesn't only go one way, right My group friend my friend group, especially my fellas, we talk about how we look for our wives and we will clown each other. Like, dude, you were a professional athlete or a collegiate athlete, and that woman met you with a six pack, she was tall and strapping. And now you're retired and you let yourself go, and you still expect that woman to be ready for what you want sexually. That's not fair to her.
And to be honest, I will die on this hill. Okay, I would die on this hill. Women will tell you and the heartbeat, I want a man who's six footing up. Men can't control their height at all, but women are fine saying he got to be six foot, he got it, okay.
So when a man says she gotta be twenty eight inch waist, you can't then say that's unfair, right the same way you'll say, well, there's some women who can't control their weight, that's true, but no man can control his height, and women don't have a problem saying that. So if we all have standards, which you have to do is find someone who has the same standard that you have. Don't lower your standards, but also don't ask someone to lower their standard. If you have a standard
that you expect your partner to uphold. And I would die on this hill. I love to be okay, I hate the beard. I say this all the time. I don't like it. It makes me itch. My wife loves the beard. But I also understand this. I have a responsibility to be my wife's fantasy. If I'm going to ask my wife to dedicate her life and all her sexual exploits to me, I can't then tell you give me all of you, but give me all of you the way I want you to give me. Only that's
not fair. There's a give and take, and part of that giving intake, for both men and women is being in shape.
That's essentially what I was getting at. And I know it might sound harsh and some women may not agree with me when I say, girl, you got it, Like just gaining thirty pounds is not okay. It's not okay. First off, for your health, health, for your own health and well being, that's the first thing. And forget vanity, forget vanity on a frame as that's four eleven gaining that kind of I don't know how fast the way it came on too, but that's just not healthy.
And if she has a thyroid issue, please give us that in the context so we understand.
Oh, she didn't and give us.
Context so that we understand, like, well, you can't control the weights waiting circumstances when you say I just gained thirty pounds.
Right exactly, And it's just like I know, personally, I am motivated to stay in shape for myself first and foremost, and then for my husband, Like literally, I feel like he deserves to have the best version of me. Vanity aside, Deval and I were like, Yo, we're both turning forty. We're making the necessary changes so that we can live this life as long as we can control it as long as possible together, and it starts with health. That's why even preparing for the tour, us working out, changing
our diets, doing it together, you know. And maybe he should be rallying around her if your goal is to now lose this weight, be like, babe, can you support me through this posive process so I can get back down to size. But I can understand how it's heart wrenching for her to feel like, damn, like my man has to put a pillow over his face and he can't stand the side of me while having sex like that has to be heartbreaking, and I feel for her with that.
But This is also a bigger issue, right, Why doesn't he feel comfortable saying, hey, you know, seems like you put on a little bit of weight. Is everything okay?
She did say that, though she said he asked right.
No, she said, at first he stopped coming on to her, and that's when she started asking. And my thing is, as a man, you should say to your partner, if this someone you want to spend the rest of your life, well say hey, babe, I notice you put on some weight. Are you okay physically? Is everything okay? If everything's okay, it's like, yo, you know, how about we go to
the gym together? How about we do this together? But you have to express it before it becomes a turnoff to where you can't look at your partner anymore, because now what you're doing is projecting whatever issues you have with her weight on her. She doesn't know why, but now she's becoming insecure, and if she becomes more insecure, she's not gonna want to work out anymore.
Like I've watched that.
Remember when I when I used to train athletes, I also train their parents. Seventy five percent of the athletes I trained were from single moms, and those moms were over was overweight sometimes and I said, how did you get overweight? And they would tell me stories, but I was like, you know, I didn't realize that. So I had this child that's trying to gain weight. And then my husband never said anything, but I noticed that he was less affectionate. And then once I realized he was
less affectionate, I got down on myself. And then once I got depressed, the weight kept coming.
So it was almost like it's a psychological attachment.
Yeah, And it was a cycle that as a man, if you realize that your wife is gaining weight in a way that you don't like it, or something that's not helping you say it before it becomes an issue, that becomes a bigger issue.
Weight is just so sensitive for people, though, so I can understand why maybe he might have been apprehensive because weight is sensitive man or woman. I think it's hard for some people to figure out how to say it. I guess maybe in a nice way or in a caring way, on a way that's going to be received. And I just thinking from the sensitivity standpoint, let.
Me ask a question. Name a topic that's too sensitive for you and me to discuss.
I know what we're different.
No, no, no, then we're not different.
We're different or we've gotten to this point. But it wasn't always easy.
It wasn't. But my point, it wasn't easy because weight used to be sensitive for you for.
Sure, used to be absolutely, especially after kids.
But my point is this, being sensitive about something doesn't give you the right to ignore it the same way we just talked about these kids, right, and maybe having a learning delay or a speech delay is sensitive. So does that mean we ignore it.
No, we don't have to attack it hard conversation.
And that's my point with couples. Couples that's all the time, how y'all keep the spark, But when we tell people sometimes how we keep the spark that.
We received well?
Right, part of keeping the spark is trying to keep yourself the way you attracted your partner. This is something people don't want to hear. Being attracted to someone is part of the process. That's part when you meet someone. You don't meet someone with telepathy and say this person is brilliant, I'm going to fall in love with them. You meet them first, something about them attracted you to absolutely, And I think that the best way to keep the spark is to try to keep yourself to where you
felt like you was at your best. And me and my homies and I'm speaking to a lot of dudes to listen to this too. We have a three month body check.
A body check.
O yo yo, when the last time y'all been in the gym? Serious? And then yo yo, put your picture, put your X. I don't want to say the names because put your picture in the chat? What the fuck are you doing?
No, you're right. I've heard your the phone with your brother recently and you got on the phone with his wife and was like, Sis, you got to make sure that he's not doing X y Z. He needs to be there for you and the kids. Like It's true. That's just how we speak. We're very, very transparent and blunt about it.
Yes, I said, yo, bro, you you just got married. Your wife met you a certain way. You think that now, since you got a woman and she's gonna cook for you and stuff, that you can just eat your way into an early grave and not be there for them. Plus that woman met you a certain way and fell in love with you a certain way. This is gonna come a point where you're gonna be like, yo, babe, how come you ain't doing this no more? Nigga? You don't look the way she went like, that's come on.
That's just what it is, y'all. Man or woman, it don't matter. It's not insensitive. It's just what it is. What it is is what it is, like, it's what it is.
Yes, it is what it is. You can't avoid it. If you love your partner as much as you say, take care of yourself for yourself but also for them.
Absolutely, that's just the fact. Absolutely, good luck to your since I know you can do it. I know you can do it, and you already said that, you know that you want to do this for yourself. Start there and he's going to feel the effects and the benefits
of it. But if you and your spirit feel like, you know what, I don't want to be with somebody in the event that I lose this weight and then say gain it back later you have a child or something, and that's going to be an issue again, that's worth having the conversation with him about.
While we on this topic, I hope we get to a second. But I haven't ask you a question as a woman, why do we see so many women right, who will bad get into a relationship right kind of lose themselves a little bit, right, lose their man and then like, oh, the best way to get him back is to become the best version of myself. Why didn't you stay the best version of yourself when you was with him?
Valid question?
And I'm asking I somebody who actually a couple of friends, and I was like, Hey, why do they do that to self sabotage?
You got comfortable, you know, was in love, you know, gained a couples, then things gonna work out and then babies a batty again.
I'm gonna get I'm gonna get him back by It's like, don't get him back by doing that? Do that while he is can be like.
Because that's a conditional thing. You have to do it for yourself. You have to want to do it for yourself. If you're doing it for some other outside resource, I mean outside person, it's not sustainable.
What you just said is the answer.
It's not sustainable.
Anybody who's only working out to hit the scene. The minute you hit the scene and find somebody, you won't work out no more because you was never doing it for yourself to begin with. That's the why I started with doing it. You got to do it for yourself so you can sustain it for sure.
That's the truth, absolutely, all right. Second one, we'll go to this one real quick. This one is a short one. I love y'all so much, love your bag. Okay. My first mistake was accessing my husband's already logged in Facebook account. Yall, I know, she says, I know, and cas well. I went to his search box to see who's been checking on and he had been searching his ex at least monthly for months. It made me feel the type of way initially, does he want to be with her or
miss her? Then I self reflected and realized maybe we all think of our exes every now and again. I don't consistently search anyone, much less an ex am I under or overreacting. How would you approach it? Asking about it isn't going to change the fact that he's curious enough to search in the first place. He dated this girl in high school two thousand and four and they hadn't had any communication since before we got married. We've
been married thirteen years. Thoughts, Thank y'all, hope this makes the podcast. Love you both. Why are you laughing. Got two thoughts, right, okay, thoughts all right.
First thing, I never judged people right because you never really never know someone's situation.
Right.
The first thing I thought was, damn man, when you're looking at you exes, like, is that the one that got away?
Huh? Right, But it's the first thing.
But I will say this, I don't think that anymore because she says that she he hasn't looked her up since for like thirteen years, right, So he wasn't thinking about her for thirteen years, right. So it could have been somebody crossed his past, like oh have you talked to so and so recently? And now he's like, oh, I haven't, or someone sent him the profile check out so and so and then he looks and then updates. Because I know this for a fact. Social media becomes addictive.
Right, you see, it's a rabbit hole.
It's a rabbit You post something and then you post to see what they post.
Right.
It doesn't mean that they're in love something.
Like oh shit, I haven't like heard about this person a long time. I've searched an x before on to talk about that. But it was a similar But it was a similar situation where his godsister had reached out to me because she was getting tickets for her friends for our live show. Actually, and then she was just like, oh my goodness, like how have you been? Like we love like the family has watched how you have like blossomed you and your husband. We love you guys, you know.
And then she mentioned like, you know, I asked how he was doing when how the family just out of courtesy because we're having the back and forth, and then she's just like, oh, he's great, like has two kids, blah blah blah. And I went and looked to see, oh yeah, and then it was nothing. There was no interaction. I didn't feel no kind of way. It was like, okay, great to see this somebody who I used to date back in the days doing well, and it was nothing attached.
It's funny you say this because you also told me that you recent I felt in no way about it when you told me about it. So this this is also says a lot about their relationship. Ask yourself, why does it bother you so much? Of course, ask him why. You then ask yourself why it bothers him so much? Because when you told me, you look up the person the first thing wasn't my mind was like are you in love with that person?
Yeah?
It was just like, oh that's interesting. You know what I'm saying, Like my mind just never went.
There, never went there. And I'm wondering what was your reason for going to the search box and did you eventually go to the message box the inbox? Like you know, it could be like you said, a rabbit hole, but it doesn't seem like there was anything more than just
the search bars. And you know, being married thirteen years, it really could have just been something as innocent as like, you know, we see how she looked now, because you know she looked good then, but then here we are thirteen late, thirty years later, she might not like I don't know, We'll.
Say this too. And I know this is I have a couple of boys who live this type of lifestyle. Is somebody cheating on you or looking to hide something from you, they're not gonna have their Facebook open for you to see.
Anything that the fact.
Unless he's like a Jedi, like a Jedi mind trick cheater, and he's just like, I'm gonna just delete everything and leave it open so she you know what I'm saying. But most of the time, niggas ain't that smart. Most of the time niggas is logging out of everything, keeping their laptop closed. They sleep with their phone underneath their pillowup. True most times, and I'm not I can't speak for them.
I don't know. But most times, the men that I know who keep their stuff open and their wives find something.
It's like there was nothing to hide hide.
And sometimes women, if you look for something, you're gonna find it, you know what I'm saying. Like, you look for it, you're gonna find it.
And are you gonna find something to find something? Like? Why you search it?
Right? I just there's no messages, there's no pictures.
I searched, that's it.
And it could have been the same thing. What if I was looking for you? Why did you search up so and so? Because I spoke to the god sister who bought tickets to our podcast towards she mentioned that he was on Facebook. I wanted to see how he was doing. It could have became a thing if I wanted it to become a thing. But you know, when you're confident in your space, it's like certain things like that, right.
And then also too, I mentioned it to you because it really was nothing. It was just like yo, like they have kids, not blah blah blah, he's married, great, good for him. Like it was totally just like in passing conversations.
Also, people don't take everybody doesn't take social media serious. Like I've had people ask me through DMS. You know, I got a question about social media, like what boundaries do you and Kate put on social media? For likes? And it's I said, miss, we don't put boundaries on social media. Social media is not a real place. I don't feel like I have to put boundaries on my wife with social media because they exist in a world
that is not digital. You know what I'm saying. Some people really don't give a shit about social so it's like me searching up somebody on the social to see what their life is like that it's not that important, right, But then there are some people who's like, now that's a violation. That's cheating. If you type your excess name in the search bar and you hit search, your cheating. Like there's this people why they have to speak to each other and create their own boundaries. But for me
and k no, I could care less. Like k looks up stuff on social media. Her and her friends group. They got dick pics that they be sending each other and ship like me and we look at ads and TV off like you know, you got single guys in the group they like yo check shorty out like it is what it is? I got eyes, got eyes right, but we don't. We don't exist in the digital world though, so it either I could care less to be honest.
All right, If you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, email us at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com.
That's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
All right, time the moment of truth the topic today. We're talking about Dakota's Miuth speech delay and what we've been doing to make sure that he is set up for success as we move forward, so he can be the brilliant two year old that we know he's growing in to be.
My moment of truth is very very simple. Don't put your child in a deficit because you're too ashamed to ask for help. It's that simple. If this life is about them, you can't be concerned about what other people may say about you or your parenting style. If you're requesting help, don't put your child in a deficit because of that.
That's a good one. Maybe. I think my moment of truth is that us as parents do also need to give ourself grace because there's so many things that we're juggling on a day to day basis, and as long as you catch it early, you reassess where the priorities should be lying, and then you make the necessary steps to make those changes immediately, then you will allow your child to prosper. And that's exactly what Daval and I
did feel in the moment with Coden. Once we figured out something maybe a little off, it's like, what are all of the things that we can do to make sure that he's going to be okay? And that's putting our feelings aside, putting our pride aside, and just making sure that at the root of everything the child is first.
Yes, and lastly, it is not your parents' responsibility to raise your kids.
Or the babysitter or the nanny or whoever.
As a parent, you have a responsibility to be a parent. Putting it off on someone else is unfair.
And even in school like baby, are in this with our children and their educators. It is a group team effort, and we work in conjunction with all of our children's educators, so that's another important thing to note, all right. Be sure to find us on Patreon to see exclusive dead Ass podcast video content as well as more family content from the ellisis. And you can find us on social media at dead Ass the Podcast, and you can find me at Kadeen I Am and.
I Am Devout. And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review, subscribe, and pick up your copy of We Over Me, The Counterintuitive Approach to Getting Everything you want out of your relationship.
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