Marriage: Did it Choose Us or Did Did We Choose It?

to my mother dead as dead ass. My mother was on point, all right, Cary, and I hear you well. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't have had that big ass wedding. I would have had the destination wedding that to have. And I wouldn't have listened to a lot of people, some people in your family who was throwing shade about me wanting to have a destination wedding. Oh man, why do you got brings to my family? We need a time, We need a McLaurin. I'm not saying any name. We need because we need

go back in time. Y'all. Thin is only some money. They plenty money plenty money, as my West Indian family would say, dead ass. Hey, I'm Cadine and and we're the ellis Is. You may know us from posting funny videos without boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,

we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of Live's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. Where we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one honey, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. But we're about to take pillow talk

to a whole new level. Dead ask starts now. My brother was graduating from US and it was Memorial Day weekend and I was like, bro, I need a favorite, Like, what's up us? You know I love Cadine and I plan on making her my wife. Um, I would like to share this moment with everyone in our family, including you and her family. The best way to surprise her because our families are so close that all of her families to come to our events. So I was like,

I wanted to propose to her at your barbecue. Whenever someone graduates in our family, it's a big deal. So we already have a barbecue. All of the neighbors are there, so we have the barbecue. All of the men and our family knew I was going to propose. I didn't tell any women except except for her mom, because you know, you had to have to ask if she would allow you to take me from under her with me and your mom had had a tumultuous pass like we were.

There was some years and it was like, yeah, there was some years and then where we didn't talk. I wouldn't go by the house. So um, it's that time now where everyone's giving speeches about Brian, and Brian's my brother. Everyone knows that's my best friend. And I go up there to give a speech, and midway through the speech, I tell him I need you to play this song.

So now I'm talking about my brother, talking about how much I love him and proud of him graduating, getting his degree, and I'm thinking, why are they playing this song in the middle of the start playing incomplete, so I see all of the women looking around like this is a little weird. All the dudes is looking around like, yo,

I know he loves his brother, but Jesus. And then I started talking about having a best friend in that transition from having a best friend and going through college with the best friend and people like he didn't even go to college with Brian and knowing that you've met the right one. And then I see everybody's face, starts to look at Codeine, and Codeine is holding the camera right just kind of oblivious. At this point, I'm like holding the camera because I was all about like they

knew I always had my camera. I love to capture moments and whatnot. So I'm standing there with the camera and I look over at his cousin Porsche, and she's like she's holding her face and she's shaking her head. I just water read my mom and her and Devous my mom were like hugging each other in the corner, and I was like, no way. Supportia takes the camera out of my hand and then turns it to me because she's trying to capture the moment now for me and everyone kind of parts like the red Sea and

I'm standing in the yard. Do you remember what you did myself. I put my hands over my head. I was like, not believe it was happening. Then I walk over there, get on my knee as gonna marry me, and she cries and she says, of course, of course, and s you opened that ringbox. I was like, hell, yeah, yeah it was. It was going down all the expensive cause all of the money. Don't know. I can make believe everything, but I can't intending. Don't see that without

you came My life in complete without you. Ca Hey, oh my, it makes so much sense why you were adamant about picking this song. This was the song that played in the background when Devout proposed to me a guy yes, in front of all of our family and friends. They were at least over people in that backyard. Shout out to Karaoke Town for bringing us back to that

moment the fields. It was funny because, you know, I envisioned my wedding day like what my husband was gonna look like, how he was going to propose, and you you think you want things done a certain way, and me being kind of like the control freak I am, you know, wanted to have a part in everything. But

it was just so perfect the way that you did it. Um. I think it meant so much to me and to my family for everyone to be there and to be a part of it, you know, like the people who were significant and there were supposed to be there, and you made sure of that. And it wasn't strange to me to see my aunt that was there because our families were so close and still are. So it was just a really really great intimate moment that we had, um that we can still talk about to this day.

So and we got out of pitches, but I want to take it back a little bit, right, Okay, Well, like when did you know that I was the one? Because we talked about this all the time, we we don't have the same recollection of when we knew. So when did you know that I was the one? I feel like I knew really early on after hanging with you that day at Hofstra in your dorm room. There was no funny business with the two of us. It

was strictly like just organic the way we flowed. You know, I sat on your bed and ate this big hero honey, turkey, American cheese, let us tomato and mao, you know, biting it, biting into the hero, you know, mayonnaise all over my face, just like you were an old friend. And typically, you know, when the girls are getting ready to be a guy or go out for the first time, there's a facade you have to uphold, you know, trying to paint this picture of who you think this person wants to see.

The question were you scared of those feelings like when you when you was feeling like, oh my gosh, I'm so open, Like, were you scared? Like how am I so open? No? No, because it was so organic and authentic in that moment. I was just gone with it and it felt so good. I felt like, yo, just dude, was like my friend and another life or something, you know.

Hence why after spending so much time to with you, just talking about everything, I got to the car and my cousin knew I was coming to see you, Sophia she was. I called her and I was like, girl, girl, and she's like, what don't ever have you know? She wants the details on the play by play, And I was like, I met my husband tonight that early that early, the first day, early, like I knew there was something there. This is why girls be crazy, this is what this

is why girls go crazy. No, I'm den ask this is why girls go crazy in relationships because y'all know super early I did and guys like, like, my recollection of things was very different. I remember, God's God's honest. I remember seeing you come out of and the the first thing I'm thinking was she find it? And what I remember because you were fine, your your hair was going all the way down to your back, you didn't have too much makeup on, you were slim, but you had

a little poke out. I was just like, oh my God, like, I can't believe she's here to see me. Yeah, you know, were my good my good pants? Yes, yes, I know, you know, we know we all got them pair of jeans and them pants that make it. But just like I had to make sure those was washing Lawnder okay, because I had to Edward khakis on. I had a little stretch. It didn't hold in the butt. I was like, why, she's freaking beautiful. So I was like, okay, okay, don't

mess this up. She's a year older than you, alright. Um. What people don't know was that I'm a late bloomer right like in in middle school, I was only four eleven sixty five pounds. So when all of the girls that I liked to have crushes on like all the other guys, because they had developed faster, they were taller, they had went through puberty. I didn't really go through puberty until the middle of high school, So my interactions

with women weren't always like the best. Like I wasn't like this dude in the high school who was like cool Rico suave. I was a skinny kid, no mustache, no beard, no real muscles. So now I'm in college and I gotta deal with women. A woman, you know what I'm saying, not really knowing, Like I didn't know myself. You know what I'm saying that I didn't. So I got this woman who's like gorgeous, beautiful, she's a year older than me. She's coming to my dorm. So I'm like, okay,

I gotta gotta be cool. You know what I'm saying. Do you always alcohol I was old? I only I got you three months. I'll take it back. I didn't mean old like he's an older woman. He thought I was more experienced, not even more experienced. But for men, you used to dealing with women who are younger than you because women always want to deal with dudes who are older. Y'all like more but your guys. All of the high school girls wanted to deal with college guys.

So if you were in a high school, you know, if you were a sophomore in high school, you didn't get no play. Then when you were senior, you deal with sophomore girls because those girls want to deal with the older guys. All the girls my age in high school wanted the older guys. So I'm like, okay, I got a girl who's a year older than me with me. She's probably been dealing with older dudes. And you looked more. You looked older. You wore heels, you had a bag.

You weren't in a book bag in Jordan's. You had on a bag. You actually had a tope bag with heels. So I'm like, okay, let me play. It's cool. So I'm like, let me still be trying to stunt a little bit. I have my meal card. I was like, yo, baby, let's go to the calf. You can get whatever you are yea. So I was like, that was me stunting extra pickles on the side that was right there, But we can't get what you get her whatever she wanted, gonna swipe that ship. I swiped that ship, pulled out

his ID card, remember that whatever. She won't get that, get that. So then we go back to the room and I was nervous. I'm not I'm eighteen years old. I got this beautiful girl, and you're just sitting on my bed and you were acting like the homie. And I was kind of like, what the fund is happening here? Like she acting like the homie, Like you're not acting like a prissy girl. You're acting like the home. You're eating this big hero, you're drinking. You were spilling this

ship on my bed. I was there in the rock because I was like, all right, she got crumbs on my bed, but that's her crumbs, so I liked it as her clumbs. He was like, yeah, I'm gonna go like sleeping these sleeping cubs. That's That's how I felt though, because I was kind of like, you know, and all honestly being being truthful, I was kind of like, Wow, she's beautiful, Like I gonna make this work. So now we spoke all that time. We were speaking for weeks, but at the time I also had a girl I

was talking to a girlfriend. And the funny thing is, like I said, my girlfriend was a junior in high school and I was a freshman in college. So I'm dealing with a young girl. Woman. She can't come up and see me because her mom has to bring her. She's a young girl. So space deal distance was happening. We weren't talking as much. I'm playing football, then I'm we're friends were talking. So I wasn't thinking to myself at this time I met the woman that I'm gonna marry.

My mind as a man is like, don't fuck this up. She's bad as hell, right and ultimately you're gonna want to smash, so don't suck it up. That's what I'm thinking. That's what That's what men think. I didn't even have my guards up going to your room that they're thinking, oh, he may try something on me. I wasn't trying that night, No, Yeah,

but she was gonna try. I was gonna try. I was like, at some point, I gotta I gotta try because and in my mind, as you're a young man, you're thinking, this is a woman who's dealt with older guys. You gotta put your mark in and let her know like this is what I do, because if you don't, she's gonna be like, oh, this thing is whacked. So that's what that's what how men think. See. But this was funny listening to how you think about how we met.

This is what a guy is thinking about how we met eighteen years old and then in retrospect, we were babies, baby, were such. I was not thinking about marriage. I was thinking about love. I was thinking develop this ulf. She's bad as hell. So wait, what was that? So what was the turning point for you then? Like when did you know that marriage was the next step? Well? Ship, when I know marriage was the next step? You jumped?

You jumped about the whole decade. Um. Yeah, well, when we were dating throughout college, there were times in our relationship where you like shocked me like that you you just you just shocked me. I remember once in particular, when I broke my finger and I had to get surgery and you're you're nineteen, I'm eighteen. You came to the hospital with me and sat in there to get my if I got my finger, I had surgery, and my my father's there was like, oh, Cadine's outside. I

was like, ship, she's actually here. Then when we went back to the dorm, you nursed me back to health. And it's not like I was in Alabama and I was a guaranteed first round pick. I was a small walk on in Haystra. To me, in my mind, I was like, you're not doing this because you see the you were just there and you were so to be completely honest, you were so small that I was like, this guy can't play in the NFL. But I'm like,

I didn't think I was too. If you can get his college paid for, well, all the better because we won't have no loans when we graduate. Exactly, we ain't gonna have that. So get your college paid for a boom, and then we can get our jobs and we can start this life. But then you just said it. How many nights did we sit in the dorm and just talk about, all right, so we're gonna graduate. We don't got no debt. If we work, we can buy We work,

we make dollars, we save it. We can put a down payment on the Brownstone, we can live on the first floor, run at the top two, have no mortgage, and then we can pursue our career in TV and film. Like we talked about those things at nineteen years old. So going through that, going through my injuries with football, and you always be in there, you sitting sleeping, sitting up with me. When I separated my shoulder my senior year. I remembers the couch cushions out and put them up

against the floor. Remember that. I remember that. Let me pat myself on the Okay, that was a cute little boo that you did right there. You secured the bag with that. Tell them. But now it was It was those times it made me feel like I didn't know if it was marriage, but I was like, no, this is my this is my Rynda die right here, Like no matter what I get, good thing, he's the one. But you knew first day, which is crazy to me. Yeah,

I knew. It took a little time to actually fall in love and be like this is for real, for real, But I know I had a feeling when I met you that there was something there like I when I etched out in my mind like a perfect guy. You had had those attributes off the bat, like you can't teach charisma, you can't teach ambition, you can't teach drive. And those are the things that I saw in you just in that six hour conversation that we had. I was like, this dude is really talking like you know,

future future. So that's so ultimately that's what it was. It was my mindset. It was it was just what I was thinking of where I was to go that kind of that's mind with my mindset. And I was like, this dude is about something. And at nineteen, that's what you were thinking about. Why that's we were able to have a very intelligent discussion. Now we did. We we did have a very intelligent discussion. So let's fast forward a little bit, right, So we get married and that

was a day. It was a great day. It was hot as hell. Your uncle Kurt was the the minister who officiated the wedding. Did He talks a lot and he was outside it was like a hundred and eighty degrees butts, you know, sweating bullets, and he just felt the need to preach. And I was like, all right, you know, the spirits moving him. I can't do that much about the spirit, so we're gonna have to rock with you. You could do nothing, but I was I was playing. I was like, yo, no disrespect to the clergy.

My nigga boke, it's just hot. Be I got on tuxedo and my man's behind me. You gotta keep it moving. Yeah, if I when we get married, because we donna get married again. You just don't know yet. When we get married again, I'm doing a full wedding. I'm not doing a summer wedding just well. So, so here's a question for you. After we got married, what did you what

did you expect would be next? Because we got married under difficult circumstances, right, and then we're the wedding is over, we come back from my honeymoon, and we're back in the apartment and you you have a job. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do. What were you thinking? I was honestly thinking like, oh shit, okay, so the wedding is here and gone, Like, so what we're supposed to do now? No one prepares you for this stuff, And I should say no one. I feel

like no one in my family prepared me for it. Um, I just went off of seeing, oh okay, my parents have carried it together. I have aunts and uncle's married and together, but no one really prepared me. I feel like in that they were able to divulge information about the actual act of being married and like, you know, as a wife, things that my husband may expect from me,

or things that we should be playing. We didn't do marriage counseling, which was something my uncle was like, you guys should totally do marriage counseling, but I guess we didn't see the value in it at the time. I'm um, but also to some people are so tain did and jaded by their own situations that you kind of don't want to hear it, especially because we had so many people over the years counting us out, saying yall and gonna make it through that. Y'alling gonna make it through that.

So we were just like I was just like, you know, we've always found a way, you know, so we're gonna find a way. And there was just no other option to me, like this is something that was never going to fail. There was no other option. So we had to find a way during the wedding, like during the wedding process, during the wedding, getting married. At the end of the wedding, now the marriage starts. Were you happy

during the whole process. The wedding part was stressful. We had a very big wedding for no reason, Like if I could do that all over again, I would do like you said in the beginning and have a smaller intimate thing because a small fraction of those three d and thirty three people who actually came we talked to still to this day, you know, digging up people to find to go to a wedding is just ridiculous. Um.

And that's something I didn't see at that point. I was just like blinded by like the dress in the day and the theatrics. Um. But then after that, yes, I was happy in that moment, but then I went through a moment of being very unhappy and being like, well what did I just do? Because you would ask me do you want the wedding or should we get a house? Should we put a down payment on a house? In my mind, I was like, oh, we already have

two houses in other states. Let's do the wedding. It's the one day, you know what I mean, Yes, it's one day, but it was the one day that we met. It goes down in history as our wedding day. And I'm only doing this one time. So um. For me, that was the biggest thing, Like, Okay, we had the wedding day that was done, but it's like the what's next and and full transparency, full transparency. I was scared

throughout the whole process. I was unsure about everything, and I did not know what two weeks I didn't know how to feel like. I knew that I loved you, but in full transparency, I didn't know if I was ready to be married. Because you remember when I first proposed, I said we should be engaged for two years rebuild our finances, and you were like, I don't want to be engaged for two years, right, And at the time, I was thinking about what other people would say or

would think. You know, I just got out of the nfl UM. We were struggling financially. I didn't want to make it seem like it was a financial issue, and I didn't want to make I didn't want to give people the benefit of thinking like, oh, well, de Vour screwed his money up so they can't get married. So I was stressed. I had stressors outside of us that I was letting affect the decisions I made. And it was also just like you said, marriage at that point, to me was the next step to prove that I'm

a man. You know, you graduate from high school, you get a degree. I mean you gotuate my school, you get a scholarship, you go to college, you get a degree, you start your career. You have a woman. I have a career. I have a woman. I'm making money. I have to prove to everyone that I'm successful. Let's get married up, you know, saying I got to pick that up growing up, and I got my ship together. So you get married. After you get married, you by a home.

It was like those things were more important to me than actually knowing where where we were, you know what I'm saying, where we were where it wasn't even the most important part of rather than me proving that I was so on my ship to everybody else and that some of that came from the fact that my friends

had gotten married. Yes, at some point, I feel like you had taken that out on me, like, well, I got you this house, and I got you this that there, And I was like I asked you for all that, Like you took it upon yourself to decide that she was to buy you can't wait. Well, you gave me an ultimatum and said that if I didn't, if I didn't make some serious. Come on now, you said to me house though, but I wanted to know what was

going to be the state of our future. Where were going to be moving towards being married or were we just kind of dancing in this relationship situation. My decision wasn't it. You didn't tell me to buy a house, but it was like, I got to prove to this one. I didn't want to lose you. I wasn't ready for marriage because I didn't know where we were, but I was like, I got to prove to her that she's important to me and that we're not just shacking up.

So getting a house and proposing was it. And then I thought I could give myself two more years with the engagement, and you was like, no, I want to get married next year. And that's nobody's fault. We were both naive to the quote unquote American dream of this is how you do things and societal issues of being an athlete, and you do this and do that. So that's where I was when we got married. Like that's full disclosure, Like dead ass. I was scared. I didn't know.

I just knew that I could figure it out. But I did know that with you, we could work through anything. You know what I'm saying. I always had the utmost faith in you. And it's crazy to hear you talk about this stuff now because in that moment, you seem to have shipped all together. Like there were many moments where I would look at you and you seem like you would be fine. And you know, there were days that we had where I was just like, Okay, my baby really needs like a hug today, you know what

I mean, Like he's really feeling it. But you did a really great job of just making sure that I did not feel the brunt of everything we were going through. That's my father. I gotta I gotta thank my father

for that. Like no one, no one told me how to be a husband, but one thing my father showed me with strength when my parents were going through financial issues we never knew and growing up as an adult now going through what I went through financially and going going back to New York and my father having to help me financially and him explaining to me while you know, there were times I had to take money out because I had issues with this and that I was just

like you was going through all of that while I was applying to college while Brian was up for college two years later, and I was like, you never said anything. He was like, that's my job on me that I said, you used to walk around here and smile all the time. And He's like, I put my faith in God and I know that everything would be all right. And I felt like if my father could do that, then that's

part of being a husband. It is holding that brunt, you know, so that my wife, who was going to have to bear the brunt of having children should not have that stresses. And that's that's one thing, yes, but that's that's that I felt like that was my cross to bear. It was not I hear you, I get it. I get it. And I think that was probably the hardest issue that we had UM in the beginning beginning a marriage. And I came from a family that my father made very wise financial decisions. My mom was a

hard worker. She still is um. You know, early on in my childhood, I remember them really working together financially to be able to set things up for us, you know, to immigrant um people coming up to America to start a life and leave some sort of legacy for their children. My parents had an excellent job with that um And that was some of the takeaways that I've gotten from

my parents as like good advice. You know. And then over the years, life happens, and as you get older, you tend to see why your parents don't communicate the way they used to work. You know, things start to you start to recognize and realize things as an adult. And it's not a blame game where you say blame one person or the other. You know, Mom is right,

Dad is wrong. You just realize that they're people and their stresses that they're dealing with, which is in part too why I don't really listen to as much advice per se when it comes to relationships, and why I don't profess to be a relationship you know, We've had people on social media, you know, ask us about doing marriage counseling or about doing you know, relationship panels and things like that, and I'm sitting here still trying to

figure out this man. Every single day, every single day I wake up because I change every day exactly change our purpose. I like working with you, clearly, I wake up tuesdays what I'm gonna be to day because you want me to be crazy convinced. I think you'd low

key like that. I like when you're crazy, the sexiest, better when you know, but we're still someone recently, I think in one of the questions that we had asked recently was like, hey, UM, do you mind mentoring me and my husband and our marriage or something like that, And I was like, I need a mentor. It's like, who am I gonna talk to you? You You know? Um? And and that's just how it tends to be. Well, it's funny you said something about advice, right one of

the I wouldn't even call it advice. But one thing I learned from my father and I learned from your father is that when your finances are in order, your marriage is a lot happier place because finances is the number one reason why most people get divorced. And people come from different financial backgrounds. People you know, have different and I did. I didn't know anything about like a

credit card or credit scores or anything. That was probably one of the biggest things that we had to go through was learning each other financially, because think about it, you meet in college almost scholarship. You know, in the scholarship, you're already we both have stipends and meal plans. There's no stresses. Their financial absolutely not. That's why I was always say Carlos colleges with the best years. We had no stress. And then we go from college to the NFL. No,

now I have an abundance of money. I had no money, no stresses, and abundance of money. So you get into this la la land world of oh, this is easy, being an adult is easy. Then reality comes like a mack truck, and no one was there to teach you how to communicate through those financial issues. For example, I remember with the A Max card, everyone calls you the A Max killer, right killer. And let me be clear, Codeine has always worked and always made money. She's always

made real good money. She's never been just a stay at home mom. Even when we were playing even when I was playing ball, she was always out trying to figure out what she gonna do her career. She figured that out with makeup when I had retired. So Kadine always made money. The issue was the rate at which you spend money and understanding that to income ratio, and you would get so upset at me. We shared an

American Express because she needed to build her credit. I always had good credit because my father helped me build my credit with credit back, which is something that my parents didn't talk to me about really like that my father had good credit. But it was never like a lesson thing. It was like, I want to take care of you all good, right, which which I understand now. But my father's thing was you always go through your

itemized list and you check your account every day. So for me, I'm going through my eyemns and I'm checking my account, so I'm like, codein what you spend on this? How much is this? And you used to get so upset you see it, you can add see. But it wasn't about me adding. It was about me taking you through the process of learning. But that was also something

we never had to deal with in our relationship. So that stress was new to us, and it made it seem like marriage was sucking us up because that was just a new stress. Had that stress been added when we were in college, you know, then we would have been used to dealing with that communication. So learning how to deal with the finances learning curve for us. Yeah, that's the best advice I got from my father. And watching your father communicating and being one with the finances

made things a lot smooth now. Absolutely so some of the practices that we used to keep a good balance in our relationship. I think the biggest practice is trying to over communicate. Yes, like it's like we have very

long conversations sometimes, but it's so necessary. It's so necessary because nothing falls by the wayside, nothing falls to the crash, and it leaves less room for assuming assuming that you know, assuming that you understand, you know, agreeing to this degree, you can't you can't let self falter when it comes to the marriage and relationship. So just like today, remember you were like we were arguing and you're like, we table this until later, and I was like, no, we're

not tabling ship. We can't say we can't table and sometimes you're just exhausting, but this is what happens. Already tired. So I was like, damn, but this is what happens. Though you want to table it for when it convenient, you're gonna say that, But if I got to deal with it, it's not convenient for me to table that. So we have to push through that inconvenient. If I'm not a table that discussion, he's going to head on

deal with it right now. And you don't just do that with me, You do that with him everything in business, with your friendship. It's the best way to get it out parents with your brother. And you sometimes get a bad rap for that. But one thing you'll never have

to do is guess about how devot is feeling. Will be honest, Yeah, it takes it takes the unknown out of it with you, which is is That's also how we grew up differently, because my father and my mom will be on you about something, whereas in your family they're kind of like, all right, oh, it's kind of just my parents talk about Yeah, they're awful, awful communicators independently collectively that's spilled off onto my brother and my sister and I. I mean, my brother, sister and I

have developed a relationship because we're super close where we have our own little chats and we talk and stuff like that. But even when my mom tries to call these family meetings to talk, it's always like an awkwardness

and they're just weird and nothing gets accomplished. And I think at this point, you know, my parents are older and they're setting their ways with certain things like that's they're marriage so I'm gonna speak on that, um But as an adult, I'm able to see and then speak to them both separately as individuals, you know, and say, Okay, I understand this. I'm understand that. Hey, maybe you should fix that or fix that. You know, it's probably hard to hear from your kids. You know about does not

want to hear from you. You want to hear from If I start to say, you know what I think school, he'd be like, nope, and I don't care. Like my mother is always the checker, like my brother is just like you, always the want to check somebody, but you never want to be the checky, like I want to check you on what you've been doing, Like I want to call you wanted because this is worth a discussion.

And I think as I've become this in your face kind of person with my family, I think sometimes it takes them aback because they're like Cadine, like your borderline disrespectful, disrespectful, especially you know Westend in household, you don't talk about you, don't. You just do as you're told. You know you you are in the room in the back drop just to

be seen and not heard. As a child. Um So I think sometimes my family takes there taken aback when I speak out, But I said, this works though, Like it's worked with my marriage to get me to this point, It's worked in so many other relationships to just be so honest and upfront. So so, speaking of honesty, try it. I have a question for you, a moment of vulnerability.

What is one of the most difficult issues that you feel like as a wife you've had to take on and learn how to deal with with being married to me? Man um well, being married to you specifically, Well you use mad reasons. I'm I don't know, but I mean, damn it. I would have liked to know that, you know what, I know it was me kind of like processing like that specifically, um, I think a challenge for me and it's maybe not even just as a wife,

but just as cadean as an individual. Matching your intensity level sometimes is difficult for me to keep up with. And it's a good and a bad thing because it helps me to stay motivated. It helps me to stay driven, It helps me to stay on top of things as I'm working through my you know, art of procrastination. Like sometimes it leaves me feeling like I'm falling short, it

gives me feeling like I not adequate. Yes I do, because I feel like sometimes I'm not able to to to to hold up to my end of the bargain. The way you see foot like, you are such an intense person, You're a go getter, You're your work ethic is unlike anything I've seen in an individual, probably next to my mom, you know. And it's just sometimes I'm

just like, damn, I want to be like that. Like I I have a front row seat to your life every day and I see that some nights you get a few hours to sleep and you're you're moving and you're doing a thousand things at once, and I'm just like, how does he do it? But question? How does? But what I don't understand is when we talk about this all the time is that's one of the issues that I deal with the most is that we both work

in this marriage, but we work differently. I have to learn how to allow you to work through your process to get stuff done or be who you want to be, and not expect you to do it the way I want it, because that, to me is where I struggle because I know it's like I would have did it like this it felt like that. Well, like I said, you always think you're right in an argument, and it's the same way you're get it. But that's the same way. The way you deal with things is like that. It's

like the Bible, you know what I mean. And I'm just like to I did not arrive at it it that way. Just because I arride that it differently does not mean that my path was less traveled, me that my path was less you know, it didn't work any

less than yours. I agree. I think that's the hardest part about being married for me, Like being being vulnerable, the hardest issue to work with is that learning how to let your your significant other be them as opposed to being us collectively, because you're still growing and you're still gonna be you know, you're still growing, You're gonna be your own person and that and that doesn't the reason why I use that rather than just one issue,

because that issue goes across the line with sex, finances, work, kids. We do everything differently. We parent differently, we speak to the kids differently, we approach sex differently, we approach finances differently. And in the past I used to try to change you, to try to do it the way I do it, and I used to watch you be so miserable trying to do it the way I do it that it's like, I don't even want you to try to do it

the way I do it. To do it at that point if it's not organic, if it's not going to be authent to how I feel at that time, and then it just feels manufactured, And then who wants to even deal with that in the marriage, a manufactured version of somebody the person. I would assume that you're with me because I have attributes that you like and you enjoy, and that attracted you to me. I agree. But what happens in a lot of marriage is what happens with us is we fell in love with each other through

with those attributes without stressors. So it's like I fell in love with you like this when we were going through just this, and then we really started to go through stuff, and it's like, damn, I didn't know she was going to go through that like that. I thought she was gonna bust the left. She busted right right now, you're right, So that goes back to the conversation your mom had with us early early, early on. I'll never forget it, guys. So this was how many years into

our relationship. Maybe we in college, so it was still three years, three or four years in since since our relationship, and we'd fallen asleep upstairs in the bed. Yeah, but it was like I was closed on the body, hated toe. It was like head to toe, like I wasn't feeling well. I think I might have had a headache or something. And when I was watching yeah, and if I was

sitting on the edge of he ended up falling asleep. So, you know, his mom wakes us up and calls us downstairs, and she's sitting there with her pepsi because she always has a pepsi and she's stirring her straw slowly in the cup to build suspense that she's about to read the two of us. So she's, you know, stirring her her pepsi ever so slowly, and she finally is like, um uh, did I miss the wedding? And I was

like what She's like, did I miss the wedding? You guys just sleeping in beds together and stuff, you know, did I miss the wedding? And I was like, Lord, we are in trouble. We're in trouble. But at that point she had a discussion with us about being individuals and being able to find that and being whole people before we decide to get so serious about each other. And that's where we messed up. And that's when we

messed up. We were not full of people. And how could we be at eighteen, right, Like I'm feeling about at thirty something years old, So how can you, like what were we at eighteen? Think about it? Though? We spent all of our twenties trying to be versions of ourselves that we thought the other person wanted us to be.

That's how we spent out twenties, right, Like I spent my twenties being like I wanted to be this for code society dictates you should be in your twenties, right, And we spent what four years about twenties married, all of our years living together on twenties trying to be versions of what we thought the other person want to be. And now in our thirties, it's like, Okay, I want to be myself. I don't want to do that ship anymore.

So now I have to deal with the fact that you want to be yourself while I'm wanting to be myself and we're not the people that we thought we fell in love with. The realistically, that's really what happened to us, and the art of it now is trying to dance with each other through this. Well, now it's not that. Now that you say that, let me ask a question, why does marriage work for you? Like? Why? Why?

Now that you know all of this, we're still married, which means neither one of us asked to be divorced because I just love you. I mean you asked me a couple of times here and there over the years before a divorce. Now I asked for a divorce. I asked you if you wanted to be married anymore, because that was a legitimate question for me. You asked me the same question in two different ways. No, I didn't say I want a divorce. I was like, Yo, do

you want to be married? We technically, guys, we've been divorced like two or three times. Internally remarried, yeah, three times. Um, But first of all, I just can't see myself with anybody but you, and at this point in our careers, I don't think social media could deal with you being with nobody else because she would get me my girls, so okay. My my people on Instagram was just like, no, you're not going anywhere, and that's not fair because you're remarried.

And they would be like, O, get up, girl, that's right, get your due, priends. But if it was me, they will be doing sending all sorts of emojis on my page and blocking her and they would that's how girls are with it. No, I mean, but it works for me because I still see Deval and Cadeen with so much hope and so much life and so many dreams and so green and eighteen. Like there's still that version

of you and I here somewhere. I mean we of course we have like children now and we have life and and the children of course, like leaving a legacy for our children, Like, let's really talk about what marriage is like leaving a legacy for these boys? You know? Absolutely? Um, And I just it's for me, it's still worth it every day to to wake up and decide that I want to be with you and be committed to you. Um,

it's worth It's worth it. I thought you was going to say, because you like the way I stoke you out, but I guess I was just thinking, yeah, that's that's a nice that's a nice additive. Okay, it is the reason why marriage works for me. Right, when I think about everything that we've been through, I feel like, to be honest, now, I don't even feel like we've been together seventeen years. It doesn't feel like seventeen years. No, no,

not not in essence. I feel like the people we were for those first like twelve years, we were trying to be other people because we were still trying to figure ourselves out. I feel like for the past five years we've settled into who we are starting to become, and I feel like I'm getting to know you now, right, I feel like I'm getting to know you now. I think the rediscovery is beautiful. That's and that's what I think. I feel like the rediscovery through being married has been

just great. It's been amazing. Now, it hasn't been everything I expected, Like there have been some twists and turns and stuff like that, but I feel like learning who you really are and you being open now to being like, you know what, divice, I really just don't want to do that. It's like I'm I'm enjoying that process. I feel like I'm dating because we've never dated, if you think about it, eighteen we meet each other, we didn't really date. We had our little breaks where we talked

to other people like that, but we didn't date. We didn't go out in court. When you and I now married, go out to eat and we sit down and talk about really what we want. Now, I feel like, damn, like that is new. That's codeine. Yeah, sometimes you know how to switch it up. I put on my good wig, and you know, the wig definitely helps. You know, the channeling codeine circa two thousand, that's what you're channeling. The problem is when I wake up the next morning something.

But it'd be times in the right places. But the problem is when I wake up the next morning and the wig be messed up in the eyeline to be off and the red lips. Sometimes I wake up and I'd be like, oh, hey, which condin of you this morning? And then you'd be like huh. But at least I know you enjoyed it, and the kids crawl into the bed. It's funny you say, like twelve years we spent not

no wages. I feel like it's almost like we got a couple of months into this relationship because after having all those kids and finally being you know, out of the postpartument phase more or less, we're starting fresh like today, like here and now, can we be like fresh? We could be fresh, we could be fresh like we're brand brand new right now. Yes, So everything in the past, we don't have to worry about that. What happens now forward.

That's your favorite thing to do is moving forward. Yes, that's whenever you want to clean his slate, let's not talk about moving forward. That's one thing I've learned about Codeine recently. Code I don't want to ever talk about nothing. She just want to say we're moving forward to better. Well, moving forward, Let's talk about some pros of being married, especially for people of color. What are some of the pros? You know? My number one talk about the legacy baby,

because that's something that we have not had ever. Generational wealth, well, a legacy, leaving things behind for generations to We talked about that a lot. We've talked about that since college. Um, having boys, I have my legacy is pretty good. Right now. I got three ellis Is. They will continue on the Ellis name. You know. Um, you know what's funny. The best part about about marriage to me, one of the

pros is just the teamwork. I know for a fact that if I rob a bank and they try to ask you, you can't even say nothing that because we got this husband wife privilege, my wife see ship ship, Yes, absolutely, like like we're literally built in best friends. You have built in best friend and just be like, yeah, well that's my friend. That's I think. I think that's one

of the pros of marriage. Also, um, and I think this is important too from the sex tip, right, of course, we got to when you got one person that you know that you can freak off and you can do whatever it is you really want to do, and you don't have to have that worry if she gets pregnant. She get pregnant, you know what I'm saying. But it's

like I'm not talking about. What I'm saying is is that enjoying that raw, nice, innimalistic style love making session and wake up in the morning and not have to worry. You know, if both parties are invested in each other like that. Because I have single friends who you know, you know, they'll talk and they'll be like, oh, you know, I met this chick last night. You know, happen you know what I'm saying, Like econom like maybe like friends now and be like stop thinking about my single friends.

But they like, I'm not sure, and I'm like, what you mean, You're not sure? And I'm gonna have to go to the doctor. I don't really know, shorty, And I'm like, I don't I don't want to have to worry about that, because then you gotta worry about not only STDs, because you gotta worry about pregnancy. Like there's a lot of things that come with that, that Russian

roulette of having sexual multiple partners and being safe. I love the fact that we can just dive right in and just let it, let it happen, and then you know, just two days in the row. Ye, just not to because everybody do not like having sex two days in a row. I need to recuperate. She don't like having six two days in a row. This this, that is a big issue for me. And now you're talking about one of the contents a new day. Remember I said that,

now you want to move forward. So we've been reminiscing all day about it. We reminiscing about the engagement, the wedding. She's like, oh, yeah, you're saying to me and the ring was beautiful. Six two days in a row. Let's not talk about oh ship right, starting now, right, starting now, Today is tomorrow. I got you. We're moving forward. We'll keep you out updated on it. It happens. You know this for the record, there it is for Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring sports icons. In his story,

it comes with many chapters. I am deeply sorry from my irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here it is the return to glory. This is All American, a new series from Stitcher hosted by me Jordan Bell. You realize Tiger Wis doesn't know who he is best in the history of golf, no question in my mind. And this season, with the help of journalist Albert Chen, we're asking what if the story of Tiger Woods that the media has been telling, what if it's been completely wrong? All American

Tiger is out now. Listen in Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite podcast app. Alright, one of my favorite segments, it's the listener letters. So this is the time that we get to engage with you guys a little bit. You get to ask some questions and we get to tell you what we think. You know, his perspective, my perspect they have our perspective. What relationship advice would you give to your year old self, devout twenty six years old? This a little bit. You did touch on this a

little bit. What do you tell me about your year old self my twenty year old self. I would tell my twenty six year old self to not make decisions based on what you think your significant other wants you to do, because they don't really know themselves and you don't really know yourself yet. So if you're making decisions based on what you think they want, that could be

a completely wrong decision. Because that's what we did. I made decisions thinking, for example, the house you know, doing certain things like oh, coadeine is gonna want this, or codeine is gonna like this? Completely wrong. You have to make decisions who are true to yourself and also understanding that your life is not going to be defined in your twenties. You do not have to make any life changing decisions in your twenties thinking that you have to

keep up with anyone else in their life. Because at thirty is when I really felt like I was hitting my prime and I'm young. All of the people who I aspire to challenge in life as far as being great. When they hear that you're thirty five, Oh you're so young, you have so much time. But in your twenties you think my life is over at thirty Yeah, I would tell my twenty six years half devource, slow down, make some decisions, and set yourself up for the marathon, not

the sprint. M M. That's a good one. Yeah. I think mine is very similar. I think I mentioned it before. It's just not really year old Cadine. Don't sit and be concerned about the checklist of life, whatever that is. You know, I, as a woman had this mental list like by one, I'm graduated. By twenty three, I have my dream job, by twenty five, I meet this amazing handsome man, and by ties seven, I have my first

child in my first home. It's like this succession of life that I think that you aspire towards, regardless of what it is. It may be due to the way you were raised and what you see by your family, or the way your parents did things or your your pearents did things, and it's like make those decisions based off of what you really want and you're still figuring it out at six like you're still you're You're not

a whole individual at twenty six. So so like you said, take your time, like slow down and enjoy it, because I would love to go back to twenty six now everything I go back to six and the heartbeat and we're like, okay, this is what I would tweak a little bit, as long as you would still be there with me, I'd be there and I would make sure that our twenty six year old selves made better financial decisions by not listening to everyone, not just throwing money

in the stock market, just buying random properly just because you think you have to buy property, Like when I think about it now, at six, if I would have just waited until I knew what the market was like, or realizing what different investments there were, you don't have to invest in property. You can invest in technology. You know, there's so many different things you can invest in energy. We had no idea that we had no idea the advice that we got from the people who we valued.

You know, I'm not to say you can't get great advice from people who you value in your life, whether it be your parents, parents and whatnot, but don't let that be the be all that ends all for you. It will be patients patients, definitely. Okay, let's go to the next question. How do you stay faithful to your wife? Oh, inquiring minds want to know. It's hard because, like we discussed, my wife don't like to have sex two days in

a row. So I have sex on Monday. You're not allowed to be horny on Tuesday because on Tuesday, I'm not getting This is not an easy question because it's not easy. Like, it's not easy. There's so many different vices on Instagram, on Facebook, just walking down the street. There's so many different and women are beautiful, Like I love women. I'm never going to hide from the fact that I love women, and I think that there are a bunch of different beautiful women. My wife knows this.

Some of the major decisions I make about being faithful. Um one number one is to try to respect what my wife has given me, Like she's giving me three boys. Right, you you go through a lot being pregnant for almost a year and then delivering children, So I try to honor the fact that she has sacrificed her body and her health. So let me try to be disciplined in what I'm doing to sacrifice some of the things I need to at least match that brunts of that cross

that she had to bear. So that's number one. Number two obviously it's being brain conscious, right, I am a man that pushes family. I can't be a man that pushes family and disrespect my family. I can't, Like, I just can't do it. So now now I'm not saying that, you know, people who do do that just aren't being brain conscious. But what I'm saying is for me, that's a decision and I just have to deal with all

the time. You know, you walk in the streets that women throw you know, throw a little pass at you or whatever. You got how to block it. You block all of that, But be trying to be brand conscious, respecting my wife, and also just wanted to have a clean soul, Like I want to focus on what I need to do. It's hard to focus on what you're doing while you're trying to juggle women. I went to a point in our relationshiphile I was trying to juggle when I was when we weren't living together and I

was in Michigan and Cadin was back home. It was like an opportunity for me to try to see what I could do. There was no one here, and it's hard. You can't focus on trying to be a great person if you're trying to hide this from your wife and hide this from your girlfriend and make sure this woman has enough attention and that woman has enough attention. So for me, it's really just focusing on what I want to do with my life. Like I want to be great. I want to be a great actor, I want to

be a great father. I want to be a great content creator, and I can't do that if I'm focused on stuff that's gonna take my attention away from my greatness. So for me, it's easy to stay faithful because I have other things that matter to me more than just have sex, right, you know what I'm saying. No, absolutely, and I mean I think that too. You know. Over the years, we both have had our issues, you know

what I mean with UM, infidelity and transition. We've had our transgression actually been together from like we've had to have had to kind of endure different things earlier on in our relationship. UM. So that's something we never shy away from or we never try to hide the fact that you know we've worked through stuff, but for us it was worth it. And um, how do you stay faithful to your husband? That that wasn't one of the questions I'm asking it. I'm asking it. I mean, this

is from this is from I am devout? How do you stay faithful to your husband? Um, you can make it pretty easy for me to do that, to be honest, because you don't like having sex every day? Yeah, because I don't so pretty much too. I had not left to give, so I make sure Monday, Wednesday, Friday you're good. You're good for the rest of the week. That ship out is not going to be good to go. I'll

be good to go now. But let's be really no. You're a very very attractive woman, and I know people probably sliding your d m s. And as things grow for us, we're gonna be around a lot of different type of men. There may be some different men who are bigger than me, tolding than me, have more money to me that maybe, like you know what, I'm gonna see if cadem is with it, how do you face that temptation? Other than know one and I will sucking up,

But how do you face that temptation? Geez? The pressure. Gosh, you have to be a hostile with that. I get hostile about minds. I see you do, I see you doo um. But no, honestly, like you said, we we both are working towards so many great things that I feel like, is it really worth it? Like those are the questions I asked myself now, And not even just with like other passes that may get thrown my way or anything. It's just like, what's really worth it right now?

Like I have so much to focus on. I procrastinate like hell, Like I said, so, I can't find time to prioritize somebody else in the equation if I'm really trying to work at being like my best version of cadeine um and being the best mother I can be, and the best wife I can meet, and um, the best actress I can be, Like, there's so many other things that I can spend time on right now, you know, And for me, it doesn't ultimately boil down to sex, Like sex is not really that big of a deal

for me personally on my Now, if you have sex with somebody else is gonna be a problem for me, but me, it's gonna be a problem but me personally It's not one of those things that I'm just like chasing after and I need to have a variety and I want to juggle and all that stuff. I ain't coordinated anyway, so i'd probably get caught. So I'm like, yeah, you're not coordinated. You are very coordinated. I got I

got a question. That's a question because somebody asked me this question, right, yes, because man, we did the video about me and Jackson and he was like, you're looking at booty And someone asked me, like, devout, how do you feel about your wife following other men on Instagram? And does she get upset when you follow like like I G models? And I was like, I was like, na, she my wife doesn't get us said like she she

sends me video models. Sometimes. I think it's healthy, Like you should be able to look about another I think you should be able to look at somebody of the opposite sex and admire them for the beauty that they have, whatever it may be. I'm just not. I'm not. I don't feel like the security that I have in myself, I don't. It doesn't bother me. It doesn't bother me. And you're you're not You're a human being. We're married, but we're also still human beings. That's what was like.

You should be able to see a woman walking down the street the same way I should be able to say a man walking out what I'm saying and be able to be like, wow, that's a good looking man. That's that's what I Don't say it out don't don't say it out loud, but you could think it. Chances are I'm gonna pointing out to you, like you can appreciate a good looking man. And the thing is, I think that's just something in our relationship. We've always always

been like that, since since we were kids. Because we were kids, we've always looked at other people and been like, yeah, oh no, she's a nice looking at women be like, oh, I think he's handsome. Yeah, that's why I like when I saw you follow out for black men, right, I blocked them, But I wasn't mad when I saw you was following. I wasn't mad when I saw it. I just blocked him doing it. No, it doesn't he the young man asked me how I felt about it, and

I'm gonna tell him the answer I gave him. Right, I said, listen, my wife got to deal with me, right, but she sees me every single day. If she's gonna look at her phone and she's gonna look at some dudes that got abs and got a beard or whatever, and she's gonna get hot and bothered, and then she's gonna come home and put that on me. I need that because I told him, I said, the minute your girl stopped looking at other men like that, she's gonna

stop looking at you the same way. Like I feel like it's healthy, Like to get that stimulation and to know that you want something and then go home and know that the person that you're looking at you have one of those at home. To me, I feel like that's healthy. Like I do look at video models, right, but then I look at video minds and I look at my wife and I'm just like I'm just like I got, I got went at home like I have. This is like this is mine, and I try to

be the same thing for you. That's why be in the gym like I watched you know, That's the only reason why I ever grow up my beard. I do not like having a beer, but I know you love beer. And whenever I cared your bed like my bed when I was smooth. How you do that? You see that? Right? But I only grow my beard when I'm not filming auditioning so that I know that I could be what you need or want to see, because I think that's my responsibility as a man. You know, my wife likes

a man with abs and work out. I need to work out being the gym, squatting for three three cake cake cake, yes, I And another thing those girls. Another thing. You gotta push your significant other because I feel like we have to push each other to be the best versions of ourselves. Absolutely, you know you can't push each other, then who's gonna do it? I remember when you told me about my back fat and he was like baby, I like what He's like. He's like, I'm not gonna

give you no more. Oreoles was like what He's like, I'm not giving He was like, you got bad fat coming and I was like, no, I don't. But then I had to look at the mirror. Now you had to up your cardio. I was about to get your wayte trainers and one of them sweatmans training. See there you go ample stuff. Now. Now the show is over. Thank you guys. Sweat fans. Could you imagine in the gym with a waste trainer. I'm too light skinned for a weight trainer. I can't get them. They already make

fun of me for being a light scare. You would be in the side group chat like you go all the way straighter. And he put the stuff on his stomach. He put the stuff on his stomach. He likes it though, because K bought it for him. That they wouldn't care. They would not I would get clown if you work out hard enough as it is. You're good, You're good. I appreciate you, baby, Yeah, I appreciate Listen. This always

good time. Yes, yes, yes, yes, well listen. If you want to be featuring on one of our listening letters, email us at dead ass Advice at d E A d A S S A d V I C E at gmail dot com. We appreciate you. Can't wait here. I got to know your moment of truth. We talked about marriage, a moment of truth. When it comes to marriage, it's so loaded. Jeez, marriage is so loaded in such

a heavy topic. Um, I would say, my my moment of truth or my my takeaway from this this whole thing is um really just working on who you are? Who are you as an individual. You have to do that. It's so important. And the thing that you have to know is once you figure that out, know that that's going to change. And when you marry somebody, you have to be willing to work with that person through the

change because the change is going to happen. It's inevitable, regardless of what area of life you're in, if it's just being married, if it's working on the first kid or the second kid or the third kid, or career change, there's always going to be a change. If you're secure in who you are and you're able to put that

trust in your spouse, you can really work through anything. Absolutely, you can really work through anything, and it just really takes a lot of understanding and a lot of compromising um to make it work. Well. My moment of truth

is that was great. By the way, My moment of truth is this marriage cannot be a milestone set by an individual who just decides that at this point in my life, I'm going to be married, because I think we both did that, and listening to you speak your truth today, like I said, this is a lot like therapy for us. I feel like we both learned that marriage was something that we set our eyes on and said, what we have to get to hear, So let's do it without learning each other, and like you said, learning

ourselves first. So the moment of truth is do not look at marriage as a milestone. And if you don't aspire to be married, it's okay. That feel like people need to understand marriage is not for everybody. That's true, it's really not. And if that's something that you deep down feel like you haven't found the right person, or if you're that person that just always wants to have control and is not willing to change and to budge and you are sure of who you are and that's

just it, then marriage may not be for you. And that is okay. That is true. You and I have both talked about that. But you know what's funny. You and I both talked about the fact that if we had to do it all over again, would marriage be for us? And we talked about that and feeling like it would be okay if we were able to focus on other things in our life other than marriage. So that was that was I think that was I think that was a great way to cap it and that

marriage is an option, not a necessity. Yes, you know it's an option. Did marriage choose me? Or did I choose marriage? I guess we both chose marriage. Baby, Yeah, I chose, you chose me. I chose your youth. Move. You got game? You know you got games? Dad? Ask you got games? Alright, guys, be sure to follow us on social media. I am devout and that's Cadine. I am for me And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be shure to rate, review and subscribe. Dead Ass is

a production of Stitcher. It's produced by T Square, Stephanie Karauke and Dinora Pinia. Our executive producers Chris Benning, and we'd like to give a special thanks to our recording engineer Jared O'Connell, our sound designer Brendan Burns, and studio manager Ashley Warren. We'll back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going on right now. It's part of the Stitching netwere called Substraction that's available everywhere.

Getting podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right now to the Distraction right now, it's out. Do it please,