Marriage Ain’t How It Used To Be

a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts on the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take Phillows

off to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now. All right, story time, this story time, I'm gonna take y'all way way back, how far back? Because I don't be giving away my agent ship to September Canarsi to Flaws September ninety It's crazy September. Eight year old Devout Ellis just got out of PS two seventy. Yes, my big ears had to go get my six year old brother,

Brian Ellis from his class and walk home. We had just moved to Canarsi from Flatbush flat Bush bullet bullet, So I had to get my brother from pr to seventy nine and we had to walk home. It's my first time ever walking home. I'm eight, he's six, and our neighbor at the time, who was eight, was supposed to meet me and we were supposed to be home at a certain time. So I can call my parents and let them know that I got home at the time. My neighbor got out first day of school. He's plays eight.

He's playing. Completely forgot that he was supposed to meet us to go walk home and was playing somewhere. I didn't know where he was, so I started walking, start walking, walking, walking walking. I end up on flat Lands Avenue. Flat Lands Avenue is a four lane street. The trucks. It's a little bit more of a commercial street. It's busy. I see buildings I'm walking and walking. I walked past Brookline Projects and I'm starting to realize that I'm nowhere

near where I'm supposed to be. I got my six year old brother in my hand, This truck's passing by, this kids, high school kids running by, and I'm nervous and I'm scared, and I'm saying to myself, dang, I don't I don't know how to get home. So you didn't put out your cell phone and have no cell phones at eight like these kids do nowadays. So I turned the left, I started walking down and start walking down and one of my classmates parents. I saw my classmate,

Brandon Granary, and I saw his mom. They were in the car, and I was like, hey, can you tell me how to get back to you know? And she was like, she will hop in. So I get in the car with Brandon and his mom and they drop us off at home and we finally made it home. And in that moment, I had decided like being scared like that and holding my brother's hand, and I remember my brother looking at me on flat Lands Avenue. He looked up at me and said, we lost, aren't we?

And I had to say at that point, now, we're not lost. We're not lost. I remember that that moment saying, when I get married and I have kids, I don't want my wife to work because someone got to be home to take care of my kids. So I'm about to bless you all with some karaoke vocals were talking about like holy matrimony like we normally do. It's just like we don't know married. So I'm I can I can help you out with it. Right, are you ready? Baby? Ready? Me? Me? Me,

me me. If there's a question the mother you got it, don't along any one, but you push in my heart now and then this question mother you got baby, don't worry. I plan for you. Baby. Yeah, I've been making plays thinking place baby. Yeah, that's my song. I love that song. When I first came out, you were like a pathetic never been to a Wait. When I heard that, I

was like, who's never been to a wedding before? But there are actually people who like they've never been to weddings before, and you want to to have a whole another wedding. When that song came out, I did, was it? Well? Yd did that come out? I forget it might have been. I want to get married every year? Why not did you have weddings every year? I don't want to go broke every year. All right, So today we are talking about redefining marriage, you know, and I said in my

SoundBite that I did not know that. Well, there's a lot that I didn't know about marriage that I have

admitted and I've spoken about very openly on this podcast. However, when we did kind of grasp the concept of marriage in general, Deval and I I didn't realize that we would constantly, at different points in our marriage have to then restructure, chop and screw, pick out some things throughout others, and then refocus on what we wanted our marriage to look like, what being married to each other was going to entail on a day to day basis um. And where we are today, I mean, we've talked about our

relationship over the past eighteen years. We've talked about being married for ten and then also to approaching what was supposed to be our viournal, which is kind of like, Okay, now that we kind of have a little bit of this downpat and we kind of understand where we are and when it comes to marriage, we also learned that we're still like daily learning more things about each other, like how much more can you learn about somebody after

knowing them for eighteen years when you think you know everything. Also to working through and evolving through changes that happened individually, and changes that happened when you put kids into the picture and careers and all that. Um My most recent thing is adjusting to Devour. The actor who is now um working full time pretty much has been in and out of Atlanta since July. Safe to say now that everything is back up and running for the most part.

Lots of COVID protocols are in place, so productions are happening, which we're thankful for. Like we can never really um be upset about that, but you know, just little things like I have a little mini story time after the story time about me being home holding down the fort with Mimi and the boys and everything and Devours you know, in Atlanta, And he has days where he's completely off with nothing to do, and then he has other days

where he's on set all day. And this one particular day, I had taken the boys out for a little bit. It was a nice day. I said, let's get some fresh air. Took him out, you know, took him to this little pond. We got to see some fish, and Turtle came back home, sent devout pictures like hey, babe, you know, sorry you're not here for this, but here's what we're doing. And um, because I always want to make him feel like he's a part of things even

though he's not here physically. And then I got home, it's like, all right, baby, I'm gonna get the boys together dinner, this, that in the third, and then I went to call him. There's a time difference clearly with the East and the West coast time, and it was like almost one o'clock his time, but it was like almost ten o'clock my time. But that's when I got the boys situated for bed, this, that and the third, and your boy was mad, like your boy had a

whole attitude, like you ain't called me back. He says, you's gonna FaceTime me, And I'm here aboy myself, and I'm thinking to myself, are you picking a fight? Oh? Did you not understand that this was the life that you signed up for, that your chances are when you're feeling you're gonna have to be away from your family at some points. Um, And we're doing the best that we came over here. The whole ship down for you while you can have a clear mind and act, and

you could act in peace. But it was just funny because I laughed at myself and I'm like, look at I'm married to this big baby. It just misses his family and he's done with tantrum because I ain't face time him back. It's not funny. This is this is where we still have disconnects. Codinos say, Devout called me back when you get done. You know what de Voo does, call her back when I get done. Devo say, Cadine called me back when you get done. Five hours will go by and she'll be like, oh, well, I got

busy doing other things. You didn't have five minutes. You didn't have you didn't have five minutes. The question you do this all the time? Did you do this all the time? Did you have five minutes to face on me back and say, hey baby, I'm stuck doing stuff. Can I just call you later? I probably could have Okay, but you probably and I'll be getting caught up in the doing stuff with the kids at that point. If you were worried, you could have been like, damn, it's

been like two or three hours. I ain't here from codeine. What if I was hemmed up somewhere with the kids. That's my point. And then this is always it goes back to the same thing with you calling me when you get places. You do not do what you say you're gonna do. I don't do it consistently enough. But the way can people been disappearing. I have to make sure I do that now and then then to me. That's why it's inconsiderate because if something bothers me, you'll

call me a baby. But I'm supposed to adhere to all of your emotions and trust and and and be be willing to deal with everything that you go through physically, mentally and emotionally. I have to be understanding. I have something all the time. But if I'm going through something, Oh he's a baby, that's not fair. That's not fair. Did you did you just shake your finger? I shook my fingers, shook my finger. We don't have video for

this episode today, but it's okay. De Val shook his finger at me, y'all because he was trying to pick a fight, because he knew that when he saw me it was gonna be on and popping, and he was gonna have to make up for him being in a bad mood. It's fine, you can pick fights about your way. I know you, I know how you move right now. God's wives O listen. But that's how I be learning. I've been learning stuff in this marriage as we evolve.

Wives don't listen. They just make up whatever they want to make up, just saying I'm over here trying to be Could you imagine hold on? Could you imagine me be in a way by myself, about to leave set, and me saying, yeah, I'm gonna call you when I get home, and in five hours go by and I don't call you. You would be pissed. And then on top of that, you would be like, oh no, you find go ahead, go ahead with your little friends. Go ahead with your little friends. The friends always gonna be

little for five hours. You're right, I'll be on the first. So back to your story time. So that that idea of you wanting your wife to be home when your children were coming home from school or whatever the case may be, that's something that was embedded in you as an eight year old. You were like, I just don't want this to be there. I don't want my children to experience what I experienced in this moment. So I'm going to find a wife who wants to be home

with her kids so now. And this is important when you meet people, right, don't just meet them at the surface and meet them where they are. If you're thinking about long term with a spouse, you have to meet their family. Know who they were as a child, because a lot of the things that happened to them as a child will create the person everything. You know what I'm saying. And I don't think people right. I don't think people put enough um impetus on that part of it.

And then the reason why I told that story is because societal views and pressures did not create this gender thing for me where I wanted my wife to be home because I feel like women need to be home. It created it for me because it was traumatic for me to be lost on Flatlands Avenue with my six year old brother and not know where to go. You know, I was lucky to kind of make a left turn and head that way and see Brandon's mom to drop me. But had I not and I kept walking the wrong direction,

who knows where I would have ended up. And this is not a knock on my parents because socio economically, both my parents had to work, so you know, and this is a different time back in the nineties, so I was a latch key kid and I had to get home by myself. So it's not a knock on my parents. But going through that part of my life made me realize what was important for me as a child. And then also in the summertimes, when my grandfather and

my grandmother watched us for eight weeks. My grandfather went out and worked, my grandmother was at home, so when we had to go to the Boys and Girls club, she dropped us, picked us up. When we had to go to the roller skating wing for parties, she dropped

us and picked us up. When things happened in the community at that time, I was never concerned about what was gonna happen because my grandmother was going to be there to be my advocate at some point and always make sure we got to where we wanted to get you to get back home. So for me having that person to take care of my children was important. It really had nothing to do with society's views of that

is just what I saw. My grandmother took care of us in the summertime when my grandfather worked and in Brandon Grneri's mom made sure that we got home from school properly all the way through middle school. So for me, that was and it's important for me. The reason why I told that stories because going through that now it's like, Okay, when I get married, I want to I want a

woman that's going to do that. Then I meet this woman who's outspoken, master's degree, has all of these career aspirations, and it's like, oh, shoot, I didn't even think about this right exactly, because then you also think about the women that you're attracted to, and that that's someone who was out there doing a bunch of stuff, which was me juggling mad things, you know, which I tend to do. And yeah, then you have to decide, all right, well, what makes more sense? What is she willing to do?

What does she want to do? And then that opens up another cand of worms of discussion when we talk about what we want as parents, you know, because you always talk about what you want out of a spouse, but then you also have the conversation of what you're looking for when you want to co parent and make children with someone you know. UM, And it also talks about gender roles. I mean, generals is a huge debated

topic I think for years. UM. And as gender roles progress in society continues to change, the importance of marriage and in the family structure has changed with it as well. So you talked about your parents, the socio economic impact that had both parents having to work, you know at that time, and then also going from like nontraditional weddings love stories that started on an app to more women being the breadwinner in the breadwinner in their household, you know.

So there's so many things that are changing the dynamics of UM. Millennial marriage are changing the way that married life works, and millennials I think are responsible for the shrinking divorce rates. That's interesting, UM, So we're going to talk about like what makes our relationship and many other relationship marriages, I guess the millennial versions of it, what makes those goals and what makes those divorce rates lower.

Is it that people are just deciding not to get married at a quicker rate, or they're more cautious entering marriage than when they do get married, they decide not to divorce. Our more conversations being had amongst millennial couples, where they can then voice their opinions about what's happening within the marriage. I feel like there's a lot of things. I think there's a change happening amongst educated men and women who have decided that how they design their marriage

is not going to be the fifties. So me, for example, I still want that lifestyle for my kids to have one of their parents home. Right, I'm not going to stay at home, like I said before, regardless of what people think about gender roles. My wife is the vest of a life for our legacy and our boys. I'm going to go out and work, right, But that doesn't mean I'm gonna tell my wife you have to stay

home with the kids. At that point, that's where my mind changed, and my mind said, you know what, rather than trying to create a life style that's so big that my wife can just stay home, I'm going to create a lifestyle that's going to give my wife autonomy to make decisions about her life, so she can decide whether she wants to stay at home or go out

and work. So building in the flexibility was a big thing for us when we decided that we wanted to have children because we both knew that, Okay, if we were locked into a job that required us to be at this place for a certain time frame, then that completely takes away from us the ability to control our schedule.

So even when I worked at that cosmetics years ago, you know, there is a bit of flexibility with the schedule where you can pretend, you know, if you have something going on, you can close or you can open, and there's a little bit of that, but ultimately it's retail and you have to be there the holiday time. It's crazy, you know. So that was probably one of my unhappiest moments when I think about my career path.

I was doing it because we needed it in that moment, and it was just like, girl, we need health insurance. You gotta work, like Devot was at home with and it's something that we we had to do in that moment. Yeah, and then after knowing like, man, this is just not going to work for me. I'm not happy, i don't feel fulfilled. I feel like I'm missing my family, I'm missing out on so much. That's when we had to

reassess what my career was gonna look like. So that's when I left retail and decided to freelance on my own. That way, I was able to make my own schedule. And I think that we have to discuss, you know, I'm going to discuss from a man standpoint, the whole idea of being an alpha because that's what happens in marriages. Someone. They always say someone has to be an alpha, someone has to be a beta. You know what I'm saying in the stuff like this whole idea that if you're

an alpha male, you control your wife. You know what I'm saying, You're under control, you have everything under control, you control, And I think that that's starting to change because what I've just realized is that being an alpha male doesn't mean that you control your wife or you control the person that you're with. Being an alpha male means that you control everything that exists around her so that she can have control over what she wants to do.

And there's a difference. To me, the whole idea of being an alpha male and controlling your wife shows a huge insecurity. You want to control her, You want to control what she does, who she sees, where she sees. You can't be an alpha male if you're controlling, if you have insecurities. You can't be an alpha male, be just controlling or just an alpha And generally I don't even think of just like even sex sex same sex relationships, there's usually an alpha person and abating, but I think

usually one person has the surfaces that or not. But I don't feel like to an extent, I feel like I'm an alpha as well. But I do know we do know how to then bend when necessary. I was accommodate each other absolutely, But I do think that there's you and I have had enough conversation to decide, you know what, I'm going to lean on you and this time to lead right. And did you listen to the podcast with me and the girls? You didn't listen to

because listen no, because we talked about this lightly. We talked about the the the person who damned you and was like, oh, you know you allowed your wife to wear this swimsuit impose on the rocket that the word allow. The minute I said it in a room with like three other females, they were like what, Like everybody was clutching pearls and they were triggered because it's like that word allow, Like how do you allow as a husband

your wife to do something. And that was the common consensus I think between all of us is that we were all in relationships where allou wasn't necessarily the right word. It was just like, if you're better equipped to do something in that moment, do it. If I am, I'll do it. And it's literally a partnership and teamwork that

goes into it. There's not this level of control. I know that that's easy to say though, but at some point there has to be a leader, someone has somebody has to be with, somebody decisions and then in the two of us, it comes down to me. Absolutely it comes and when it comes too of us and we're like, babe,

this is what we're gonna do. And you're more decisive than me, way more decisive, So you're just like all right, And I think part of being a leader is knowing and you and I talked about this all the time. I know how where I want to go, I know how I want to go. You oftentimes know the best way to get there. Yes, you know what I'm saying. So for us, that's what I figured out. I'm like, I want to act, I want to do this, I

want to TV, I want to build this business. I want to do this, all the other things that go into figuring out the best way to get there, the whole analogy about directions. Husband will drive, he knows how to get us there by me, he knows you know where we want to go. But the wife will get us. She navigated. We've been that way for us, and you used to navigate. This was before map Quest. This was before Google's no no, this was map quest directions out

and you used to yell out the coordinates. I used to time the odometer, like Okay, we're gonna watch out for this time. Those are the days. But um, I think that that's become the new idea of marriage, especially from me. And I'm just speaking from a man's perspective.

I'll let you speak from a woman's perspective. But for me, I've I've stopped saying I want my wife to to do this and saying I'm going to create an environment around her where my wife can choose what she wants to do, and then no matter what she chooses, I'm gonna be able to be supportive in that, you know. And there's something very outpha about that, because I have men who hit me up in d mc all the time.

It's just like, yo, your wife do this, your wife go to work here, And I'm just like, bro, whatever my wife wants to do, she has a life. She has a life. If she decides tomorrow she wants to take over the world and be Oprah, right, I'm going to support that because I am confident in knowing that no matter what she does taking over the world, she's still gonna be my wife. She could be Beyonce, she could be Oprah, she could be Cadeem, She's still going

to be my wife. So I don't have any need to be controlling and say stay here and take care of my kids. If that means that while she's taken over the world, I have to move in her mother, my mother in law, which is what we did, you know, so that you can go out there and and generate more revenue. We were able to and then that way you didn't have to sacrifice as much on your end because you were still able to work at the things

you wanted to work out. But we know that the children were taken care of, and if it couldn't be you and it couldn't be me, then it was gonna be going to be somebody if that means that I have to grill, that I gotta make breakfast in the morning, and I gotta I'm willing to do that because if I can create this space where my wife feels comfortable living in her purpose, that to me is the best

part of being married. You know, it's no longer it I'm giving my wife these rules she gotta follow in order to make sure my kids are taking care of. It's more about, Okay, let me see what her dreams are, how can we make that and supporting that because listen, women noways we have all the dreams and all the goals and not doing just have them and we're just sitting around daydreaming about them. We're actually out there making it happen, putting one foot in front of the other.

And I think that's something to definitely applaud. And I can understand how a gentleman meets a woman and see someone who's out there doing doing so many things. You know. On the converse side, I think about men who I've spoken to, whether it be close friends or family or whoever, that have been like man like, I'm trying to find a woman that can do something, that's doing something, and

I was like, well, where are you looking at? You know, it makes you really wonder what where these people were, These pockets of women who are doing amazing things. But I feel like I see it all the time. Or maybe it's just because I follow those women on social media, so I feel extra inspired and motivated by women who are doing amazing things. But nowadays women are not just

you know, stuck in the household. They're they're trying to do both and they're doing it well, um and doing it with the support and sometimes without the support of a spouse. Let's look into some statistics UM. More than one in ten married millennials have a spouse who is of a different racial or ethnic background, according to a

Pew Research Center. Data from pre Research Centers survey surveys conducted in two thousand and ten and two thousand and eleven found that female millennials are just as likely as males to say that being successful in a high paying career or profession is a very important or even the most important thing in their life. The male mass mystique.

A report for the Family and Work Institute UM indicates that six of fathers with two income families said work family conflicts are a problem, and in n seven only thirty percent of fathers in such settings called it an issue. Well, I can tell you why that is. And teen seventy seven there weren't as many women in workplace so exactly,

and I'll speak to that. It is a difficult thing to adjust to write because if you are a traditional man, right, if you're a traditional man who says I would like to be able to provide and protect and make sure my wife has everything at home, right, you make enough money that your wife doesn't have to work, you're busting your tail doing doing tons of hours to make sure everything is good at home. But then when you get home,

you don't reap the benefits of a traditional household. It becomes an issue for men and the benefits of a traditional household. What do you mean? Like, for example, if I'm out When you and I were together, right, and I was working eighteen sixteen hours because I was acting and then working at the gym, I was working as a mentor, and then also taking personal clients to make sure that you didn't have to work because you wanted

to be at home with Jackson. And I was doing all these hours to make sure the money I was paying all the buildings, all the stuff, but then when I come home there's no dinner, or when I come home the house is dirty. It's like I'm busting my tail. And I don't mind being traditional in the sense that I don't mind taking care of all the responsibilities, but then when I come home, you know, no one's taking

care of me. That can be an issue for a guy who hasn't figured out how to find a way to do all of those things and push for his wife to have her dream. Because we talked about this before, you will sit at home and you would be unhappy, even though you were home with your son. You're unhappy because you weren't living in your purpose. So because you weren't living in your purpose, you weren't making the home happy.

So as a man, it's like, I'm doing everything I can to try to give you the things you said you want, but since you weren't living in your purpose, you weren't happy to home wasn't happy, so and then coming home to an unhappy home, it's like, right, so I'm working sixteen eighteen hours and I come home to an unhappy home. It's kind of like them, what do

I gain from this? And it wasn't until I started to realize that I have to find a way to not to not just put you here at home, but away for you to do everything you want to do and still get what I need on home. And that was moving your mom in right exactly, because then I alleviated some of the day to day things that she takes care of. It I'm like, Okay, now that frees up time for me to then do this, or that frees up time for us to even have a date

night or something. You know. And it's funny how you have to think about wrapping purpose into all of this, because you know, if you're not living in your purpose, like I've said before, it's it's really difficult to understand why you're even existing, and it's hard to then justify the moves that you make on a day to day basis. Um. So, I think having the ability as a woman to say, Okay, I have the support of a spouse, and here are

the things that I want to get done. Um, I can pick and choose some of the things that I want to get done so that way I can balance work in life or you know, you maybe woman that's not how do I do the balancing. Yeah, because that's that's part of the issue that women are saying. You know, a lot of women say I don't know how to have it all, and they're telling women you can't have it all? Right, how do you balance? Man? I tell you I'm still working on trying to balance it because

I feel like something is always going to suffer. There's always a deficit somewhere when you're trying to do many different things where you're trying to satisfy, her, appease different

parties in your life, you know what I mean. So you think about pouring into your marriage, then it's like, Okay, the kids might fall by the wayside, or the career might fall by the wayside, or conversely, you have friends that you're just like, damn, I don't even get to see my friends anymore and have any girl time or some social time because I've been working and taking care

of the family. So really just being deliberate, deliberate about balance um has helped a lot with me and really having to sift out my priorities, like, okay, so where do things fall on the list? Sometimes I feel like you feel like you fall to the bottom of the list because it's like, well, Cadine taken care of herself, her kids, you know, our kids, and her career, and then I fall to the bottom or reverse. You may

feel like at the bottom. No, I'm admitting to that you feel like that sometimes, and it's true that you feel like that, but it's true yeah sometimes. And the reason I do that sometimes is because it maybe not the right thing. But I feel like, Okay, devows an adult and he can understand, you know what I mean, Like he knows my plight. He understands everything that I have to do, so he can understand in this moment that, Okay, DEVI I'm gonna need you to just sit tight. I

gotta do X y Z for work. I got the kids, I got this, that and that. You know it has to be done. But I can't always expect you to always be at the bottom of the list either, you know what I mean. So I was going to follow it up by saying and admitting, yes, I do put you at the bottom sometimes, but there has to be at a constant fluctuation of that list for me, because

everybody got to get a little love. No, the reason why I asked is me and I wanted the reason why I asked if you put me on the bottom sometime is because I wanted to ask, how do you decide when I'm going to be at the bottom and when it's like, you know what I got to give my husband sometimes because that's typically an issue for husbands, I don't get the liberty to say my wife gets to be at the bottom. That's dead. Is not allowed in husbandhood to ever say my wife is at the bottom.

My wife always has to be at the top with my job. You know, if I focus on my wife, if I focus on my job, focus on my wife and my kids. What I'm saying because my kids like my kids. I can never put my kids in front of my wife because my wife takes care of my kids.

If you're not taking care of the kids, won't be And hich is why I feel like, you know, it sounds bad to say you're at the bottom and the kids are above you, but it's just like they depend on me so much, you know what I mean, Like a lot of times the kids will just be like, you know, so it's hard, but I have to also be conscious of how often have you been sitting at the bottom of the list. Has it been a couple of days, you know what I mean, And that's when I have to now factor in some time for us.

So whether it's scheduling the night that we hang out together a little bit, we go to the movie, well, when we could go to the movies, but having nights that are just designated or time slots that are designated for you, it really just became a matter of me reorganizing my life and reorganizing my schedule to just say I'm going to have to schedule in certain things. So so though it may be bad, people say, like, sometimes

you gotta scheduling sex. I forget who was recently that talked about tim she schedules in sex or something in her Sometimes you gotta schedule and it may not be sex time per se, but it's just like this is husband time, this is like Jackson time, like not trying to always lump the kids together. Then this is time where I have a commitment. Some things are more time sensitive than others, Like Okay, i have this content that's do by this date, and I'm talking to our manager

about it. Like it's really just trying to jug juggle and balance and trying to give myself grace and trying to also realize like some something is always going to suffer to an extent, but just doing the best that you can on a day to day basis, and thankfully I have you and my mom to help me make that happen, so I could never say I do it alone.

I'm gonna say this in full transparency. Everything you talk about husband's been doing that, and I'm gonna say this, people don't people act like for example, even a husband that does work in the mom, the husband that does work in the wife is at home, they act like the husband just be out working and come home and put his feet up and just sit back, even when you weren't working, like doing a bunch of social media

stuff in and building your career out. When I used to come back from the gym after work in eighteen hours, I grabbed the kids, right. But you did that because you wanted to still be dead and you wanted to

have time with the kids. I'm not saying I didn't like it, But what I'm saying is is that husbands have been doing both in the home and at work for a long time, and it's like, I know what my I know when I have to prioritize you're just starting to learn it, and I'm trying to hear your process because I know what my process is, right, I know what my process is because when from the time we got married, I know I wanted to be a good husband, I want to be a good father, and

I want to be a good businessman. So I could there was never a point where I could put anybody, you know, just be like I'm gonna just discard this for a minute, like that's just not And if you listen to you think you feel like I discard you. For moments, I don't feel like I discard you. I may just have you like lower on the totem pole, like I said, or I might have you like okay, like I can't do X y Z right now because I have this time I play. But I don't think

I ever discard you. You feel discarded, yes, sometimes, okay, sometimes, I mean that's how you feel, that's how you feel. I mean you don't, I mean you don't. I mean you you honestly said just now that you feel like sometimes you put me at the bottom. And sometimes I gotta remind you. Sometimes I gotta remind you that I've been at the bottom for a long time. How often have you had to be had to remind me that I forgot about something. I'm very romantic. I'm very romantic

you at your moments, Yes, I don't. I'm the one who would say we need to do a date night. I'm the one to make sure that every birthday, every Christman you get something very special. I mean, but I've been I planned date nights as well to I planned time like without the kids and stuff like that. I've been doing that more too, But I think my schedule changes, and I've been more more aware of it now too,

because my schedule has has fluctuated over the years. But just being down from pregnancy, having kids, coming back, then trying to reintegrate into my career, and then trying to figure out how to get my career back up and running again. And then it's like being pregnant again and it's like okay, you stop, and then it's trying to

get back into my game. So there's many different reasons as to why I've had to be readjusting my schedule, and I'm saying okay, I said yes, I'm just trying to have you speak on when do you like for me, I've never had well, I can tell when you fidgett. What I'm saying is is that I've never been pregnant. I've never had to gain weight and lose weight, never

had to be a breastfeeding. So for me as a husband, my my edguling what I've had to do that I don't have the high peaks and low valleys that you've had as a woman because of childbirth. And I'm saying I understand that I want to hear your your your process. I want you to talk about your process because I know what my process is. It's been kind of even

killed for me, which is kind of it's been. It's kind of it's unfair if you think about it being a husband, you know, being a husbands kind of unfair because people think I'm trying to use kids and as an excuse. Like I've seen that too sometimes like oh, Okadin, it's just like how how long is she gonna up on her having three kids? And I'm like, I feel like I'm not using it as an excuse. It's my reality. This is what it is. Like, Okay, I'm not pregnant anymore,

and I've bounced back from that. Yes, I feel like now I'm starting to get a grasp on, like, okay, the way things need to shift and move, but okay, there needs to be some accountability here, though, There needs to be some accountability. I'm not talking about you. I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about people in general. We have friends who have one child but have nanny's

family come over assistance. They have plenty of help, but then when it comes to their husband, they're still tired, like like no, hold on, hold on, hold on, but hold on. All I'm saying is it seems to me to be like a I could throw this out that I had a baby and it's okay to disregard my husband for a while, and and in marriages, that's not cool because think about it. Being a husband, I'm not allowed to use those things. I'm never allowed to say, baby,

I worked eighteen hours. I'm too tired to deal with this. Have you ever seen in any one of these posts anything people say that they're like, will give Devoi break,

he's tired. You've never seen that You're allowed to be tired though, like like I feel like if I and and sometimes I'm the one that has to say to you, devour cool you're freaking jets, like you need to chill out for a second and relax, Like I feel like I have to be that for you sometimes to create balance in your life, because you'll be working yourself into

an early grades. Absolutely. But but my thing is that I'm trying to hear your process because the reason why I do work like that is because all of these things I'm trying to balance. Father, husband, businessman, I'm trying to give all of them the same amounts of energy, which is tiring. But at the same time, I never had to give birth, so I understand that there's going to be a difference between you and your process of mind because the peaks and valleys are different. So I'm admitting,

you know what I'm saying that imagine this. Imagine if I have all this stuff happening. Right in the middle of all of this happening, I had to have a major surgery and had to be better written for nine months and God forbid, and I had to gain thirty to forty pounds. Then on top of that, I had to come back from that injury, you know what I'm saying, And then on all of that, I still have to try to balance at some point, something's gonna happens. That's

what I'm saying. What I'm saying is I understand your process. I'm saying that I've been doing this, so hearing my process, I know what it is because I've never had that. It's been even for you, and so it's the peak in the valley. So I'm trying to hear the process of like what does a woman go through when you should be exhausting, that should be tiring. And it's like it's if it's not a physical tired, it's just like a mental tired. It's an emotional tired of trying to

figure out how to get everything done. It's it's stressful as fun, Like I can't even like that's just what it is. It's what it is. It was more stressful, like a stressful tithe and a physic actual physical time. Yeah, it's like it's like your mind could never turn off tired, you know what I mean. And you're the same way. You're the same way. It may not always be like

physically I have to go and sleep this off. Sometimes you're like, but I can't sleep because I have a thousand things that need to be done, so I can't sleep. So it's not the physical tired. It's just like there's the pressure of having to do all these different things and satisfy all these different people. You want to satisfy the workplace, you want to satisfy the kids, you want to satisfy the husband, and at some point something falters. At some point you just never want to recover from

that faltering though. You want to be able to try to find a way to like, oh, before this hits rock bottom, let me you know, let me read it in I just I'm just saying my aim is not to always make it you, and my aim is not to always be like, well, devout can understand because he's an adult, or Devout and understand because he's my husband, or Devout understand my plights. So therefore I just said, I feel like I can't use that as an excuse

when it comes to you. All right, Well, the reason why I was trying to get your process because I wanted to tell how I try to help you in that process. You know what I'm saying, because I want to give I want to give people a takeaway. Because I feel like we have reached a point now after ten years where we've kind of found a moment where we in a good vibe, right. And what I've noticed is I wanted to hear your process because I wanted to So was I not clear about my process? I mean,

you didn't really give me a process. You just told me how you feel. But you didn't you didn't give me a problem. You didn't say I focused on this this day. I focused on that. This is how I bounce. I'm saying that schedule things, So I scheduled things when I know, okay, First of all, when it comes to work and making money finances, right, their deadlines usually associated

with that. So if Donor calls us and say, hey, hey, you need content for this on that date, you have to host this on that date, those to me are paramount because we gotta live, we gotta feed these kids. Right. So for the chances like those time commitments where I have those moments where I'm like, these things have to get done because that's when other people are having productions and it's not at my leisure that has to get done, right, then there's certain things when it comes to the kids.

For example, now that we're doing virtual learning at home, there's certain designated time slots that I dedicate to the children because they gotta learn. At this point, we were doing the best that we can. When it comes to virtual learning, Jackson has his instructions. I work with the two little ones in conjunction with my mom because the kids, the kids gotta learn. Right. Then after that, part of my self care, I think goes into work because I'm

on camera a lot. So if it comes down to Cadine having to go get her eyebrows done, her nails done, her here, or whatever it is, that kind of spills into some of my work life stuff. So I'll have the schedule appointments for that, because these are a lot of things that depend on other people's schedule as well. Right, and then of course there's devoted so a vow is in the house for the most part, I feel like

I'm more deliberate now because you're traveling. So now I feel like, Okay, there's things that I'm going to have to move around with devout being home. So I try to make the most out of the time that we have when we are together. So I'm willing to you know, Okay, I'm not gonna get my nails done or whatever whatever today. Some things will have to then be put to the side because I know Devot's going to be home for a certain amount of time and I want to give

him my undivided attention in this moment. So when you're at home, though more consistently, that tends to be a little bit more heary for me because I'm like, oh, well, DeVos here, and I sometimes take for granted the fact that you're there, so I'm like, oh, if I can't get to Devot to day with something. For example, say we were planning a date night and we don't do it, then I feel like, all right, well, I have another time to then do that later, you know. So that's

that's scheduling for me. There's a reason why I asked I wanted the process, because you can't say the process might well because because I wanted. Okay, sometimes I'll be asking you for details and you'll be telling me how you feel, like, like, what what the fun asked for the process? You got to frame your question right, so I know what it was my question. It was the question, okay, Okay, Anyway, the reason why I asked, I put things in order, business, kids,

self care, devote two or three four. I have no problem with and the five is everything else like friends, family. I have no problem with any of these, right. So what I'm telling you is how I, as a husband try to help you so that I'm not always last. So for example, with business, you don't know this, but we have the same manager, right, I don't know that. No, I'm talking about the people listening. I don't know this. We have the same manager. What I'll do is as

your husband, not as your business partner. Do this as your husband, and it's a little bit different because we are husbands. That's a struggle in itself. But as a husband, I'll be like, yo, the noora, what does she have to do for X y Z. I'll get a lot of other stuff done that I know could be tedious to you. For example, if you have to create something, you have to make a creative for yes, first of him, or I'll make the creative for it. And that's your strength.

So that's when I really english. It has to be it has I'll edited, right, so that'll take away. And I do that as a husband, not as a business partner. The same way. The same way, if you work as a CEO of a company, your husband would be supportive of that for us, it gets harry because we've worked together. But I don't do that as a business point. I do that as a husband because I know that I'm

good at that, So that's something I do. So Boom, I thought you did that as a business partner because she's like, you want our content to look good and be good. So you know, either way it gets done, which is great because that's that's like I said. Develop asked me all the time, and I say, that's not my ministry, that's not my maniged, that's not what I do. Like I can be on their talent. I can hope, so I can act, but I'm not doing the behind the scenes stuff. So I know. I know that you'll

get it done eventually. But I know that if I wait for you to get it done eventually, that number four, which is me, that's less time time for me. So as a husband's like, if I help you in this area, I can get more time. Number four it gets bumped up, right, So boom, that's business. I help out where I can in the business with i' was stepping on your toes. I don't want you to feel like I'm hovering. You

know what I'm saying. So, then with the kids, I know for exactly, for example, with Jackson, I can help with Jackson. So when it comes to his distance learning, I got Jackson a tutor, a math tutor. I handle all of his distance learning, so that you can take that off your plate, you know. And me, me's helping with Cairo, So that leaves you with cats. So I try to find ways to help with the kids. This way you can have more time. Once again, if the vow is number four, I helped with the business, I

hope with the kids, boom, the vale moves up. Then it comes to self care. I love self care for you. You know how I feel. I've been telling you from the time we were younger. I don't care how much it costs for you to get a facial, or your nails done or manny petty, or if I got a curl your hair. I am all for it because I can't I can't say to you I love I love the cadeem that I fell in love with, and then not help you take care of yourself. Plus, I know

self care helps you feel better about yourself. Oh absolutely, And when you feel better about you, when you feel better about yourself, you are more open to allowing me to indulge in You're feeling better. Actually, number three and number four kind of intercomingled because self care BA the benefits of self cack. But what I'm trying to point out is showing this is that when you're redefining marriage right as a husband, it is not I take care of the bills, I pay for this, I sit back

and let her figure everything else out. As a husband, I still have to find ways to help out, other ways that can help push me from being number four to get because I'm going to be number four regardless. But if number four in the beginning of the day was only going to get an hour, but I decided that I'm going to create your business plan for your next shoot, there you go go. Now I got two hours.

If I help with Jackson's distance learning and stuff. Oh, I get another two hours and thirty minutes if I know, pay for you, get some self care. Make sure that's done. Now you feel better. Those two hours and thirty minutes are more well spent than the stressed out our that we would have got. Also, being the woman that is part of the group of women that are like, okay, now I'm out here, like being able to pull my

weight and contribute to the household and all that. I kind of feel like you can put yourself up right next to number one when it comes to me doing work, because that then helps bring money into the household, because

it all goes to one pot ultimately. And I've said to you before sometimes when you feel like you're in this rat race trying to like, you know, take all the gigs and everything, sometimes I feel like I want you to be able to have self care moments, which you don't have often, and I want to be able

to be that for you. So it's like, all right, if I'm now focusing on a project that can bring an X amount of dollars, then that might give you the opportunity to just say, you know what, all right, well, okay, got it this month, I can take a little you don't do it. I know you won't do it. I was trying to pose it that way, but you won't

do it. If you if you could say to me, you know you want a fourth baby, you can carry this baby, and I could take on carrying the baby, then I'd say, fine, you could take on paying the bills for this month, but you can't do that. There's certain is that you have to do that I cannot do. So when it comes to paying the bills and making the money. This past year, you've made more money in this passage than you've ever made in your life. And my bill still paid all My money still paid all

the bills. Because that is just what it is. Your money. You can do whatever you want to do with it. I don't. I really don't care. And another thing too, is I'm not the type of person that gives it

about a bunch of materialistic things. So money for money to me is not to be all the ends all as long as I'd rather time and as long as I'm the guy that will go out to eat and I'll have on flip flops and socks and sweaters, and k will be decked out because these are the things that she likes to see is coming out of the closet together. I was like, I want to dress down too, But I mean nowadays I just feel like too, I want to be able to dress up and look nice.

I love when you look good. My father also told me jewel my father gave me and my uncle Kevin if Kevin um the true value of a man is seeing through the smile on the woman on his arm. The both of them have said, and then for you and look at my mom. Like when I think about my mom, my father worked three jobs at one point, right, he drove a nineteen eighty nine Coogan. When we first moved to Canarsi, he brought my mom a red Corsica.

She ran over a pothole, messed it up, brought my mom a Champagne brand new Honda Cord, got into accident on the inner borrow, messed it up, brought her an accurate legend, and in between those times brought me and Maxima and my brother Honda Cord. He still drove the nineteen Couger. That's just my father, That's just the way he is. That's the guy he is. My my mom always came first. My mom always had mink coats. My

mom always had jewelry. My father wore the same shoes and took the train to work to make sure that he can make sure that we all had the things we had. I don't care what people say about the patriarchy, and we need to stop this. You are never going to be the provider in this family. That's just what I take honor and that honor that that's just what it is. So there are certain things that's just a deal breakup for me. I don't care if I got to work three before a job. I'm gonna do that.

You know what I'm saying, all Right, I mean, I hey, I appreciate that. I love you for that. It works for us because we're able to you know what I mean, We're able to give each other what we need. But you know, it's still continuously when life kicks in. And

that's what I'm saying. I mean, the reason why I said that, I I can push devout up to like finance with you can kind of be in line with finances because by me also working, I can then know that you need to tap out at some points and be like develop You've been going NonStop for this amount of time. It's time for you to step back and take a break, and I'm going to help you do that. You know what I mean. Um, And it's it's just necessary. It's necessary when it comes to the teamwork involved. Now

it is it is, it is necessary. And the thing is, you've gotten so much better with money now that I remember. Um, yes, this is funny. This is funny people. This is the reason about buying about you buying a bag, right, I was looking at this bag that I wanted to get. Yeah, now you've you've worked your tail off over the past three years to be able to make really good money, but you still when it comes time to purchase things, you have this uncomfortable relationship with holding on because we

came from a place where we had lost everything. And it's like, I'm trying to get you out of that mindset of feeling like y'all see me with new drip. It's because that made me buy it, because I won't buy it for myself. And this and this is a thing. I'll say all these things about me not caring about material things because I don't want them. I don't. But when it comes to you, I don't mind you dressing nice and having nice things because I know that you like nice things and I want to be able to

get those things. You know what I'm saying it is it's also an important part of marriage to like, I feel comfortable knowing that if I had to rely on my wife for finances that she there Oh, absolutely, you know what I'm saying. Like, there's there's a comfort and knowing that I can go out there and bust my ask, knowing that if I felt ill, if if I got sick, if I couldn't provide the way I needed to provide, my wife got it. You know what I'm saying. I

can't discredit that. And there's a value in millennial marriages marrying someone with earning potential, for sure, you know about because there's a there's a comfort now for women who want to go out there and be out there working and busting their tail and still coming home and being wife and and being mom Like there's a comfort in that because there's this tag team that's happening with millennial marriages where we're making it comfortable and we're making it

okay to be able to live in your purpose, whatever that may be. If your career is your purpose, do you have a spouse that's someone here to support you through that purpose. And that's probably a part why the divorce rate is going down. There's an intentional, intentional decision that's going into finding a spouse A and B. When you do find that spouse, there's an intentional fire and effort put into trying to balance everything to make it

possible to stick together. You you definitely touched on something that's talking about it being intentional. We are both intentional about marriage. Yes, that's fair to say. You know what I'm saying. We aren't, but we're also intentional about the business of marriage. Two weeks ago you said something to me, we um, we created this is just a little a little bit bit about people looking to do things. We

created an LLC in an escort. But we also have to take salaries for the LLC in the in the escort, so that you know, we pay taxes and things of that nature and put money away from the four oh one K. So we had to do all of this and K got her salary and she was like, oh good, So now I can put this money away for investments. And I'm like, wow, thirties six year Okay. The first thing you said was you can put this money away for investments. When we first met, you never talked about investment. No,

I didn't know about it. I thought money, we're on trees. This is the crazy. But this is the crazy part though you had little did you know the money that funneled into the escort and the LLC was already funneled down into an investment account where taxes were taken out. Your four one K was taken out, and additional money for investments was already taken out. So the money that you got in that salary was just money for you

to just do what you want to do. I have the same thing that's happening for me, But even in that, there's a comfort in me no one like Dank. I got a woman who's thinking long term for sure, you know what I'm saying. One thing you definitely did was teaching me a lot about financing over the years, and like you said, it took moments of us having NAA to then recover from that. So listen, at this point, I feel like marriage, partnership, whatever y'all have going on

is definitely it's like all hands on deck. It's all hands on deck. Who's better equipped in that moment do it? You know what I mean? And having a plan, having a plan, because the plan is sometimes not just the plan for the marriage, but the plan is then in corporating the plans for your careers and that that's also gonna play a part in the marriage and the effect it hasn't it your plan as parents that has an effect on it. There's so many different subcategories that then

will affect the marriage part. So redefine that joint as many times as you need to and not curtailing it to anyone Else's that those are like major takeaway. Could you imagine if we weren't really willing to redefine our marriage when I first got cut and you had to go back to work in mac so that we could one have insurance because we were having a baby, but number to help pay the rent, right? Could you imagine if I was just like, no, I'm not letting you

do that. I think about how hard we wouldn't have had no insurance. We wouldn't have had no insurance, And and because you were working, I was able to put money aside so that when things came out we could

continue to grow the business. But could you imagine if we weren't willing to redefine that, if we were just stuck in our own traditional ways, or me personally would just duck and not saying all right, baby, or if I was like, well, my grandmother stay at home all day with the kids, So I'm like, what do you mean work? You know what I mean? You know, that's just what it is, and it's no knock on people who want to stay home and be the stay at home mom, or they stay at home to add like

somebody had to be able to kids. And if it's not, if it's not you know, if it's if it's not you, you would have to go higher an inny and then you have to think about the expense of that, you know what I mean. But it's just like, do what makes you happy to do it makes what works speak your relationship. Like some people are very happy being at home.

So people are more happy feeling like they can go to work, they can work their hours, and then they come back home a happier person because they were able to have, you know, interaction with other people and they were able to be away from home for a little bit and then come back home and then you know, feel refreshed. So maybe boy, baby girl, do what works for you. Listen, we're gonna take a quick break, come back, listen to some Listen to letters because I know that's

your favorite. Paul can getting some piece of business. Well, first we got to pay some bills so that we can continue to day. I had to check out these ads and we'll be right back after this. All right, guys, we're back now, how to go pay some bills? I love all the haikus and the sonnets that we have coming in here. And do you see this? This is this is a big listen. This is a long one. It's two of them, but they're still pretty. They're pretty hefty.

All right, I'll take the first. Okay, Hey, first off, I love what you two are doing and I admire it. Thank you so much. We love you and we appreciate you. I'm coming from the great city of Memphis, Tennessee, Tennessee. I grew up Morristown, Tennessee. Every song Memphis, isn't that where we went for St? Jude? And I've been listening for going on two years now. Now, my question I wanted to know, Am I being difficult or is there some reason too? Or is there some reason to my madness?

My girlfriend and I have been together for two years. We recently celebrated our second anniversary. Right, I'm thirty two and she is thirty one. She has one daughter, twelve from a previous relationship, and I have a son, three from a previous relationship. We always talk about marriage, which is definitely in the works, and we already lived together. We all love each other. We all love each other, our kids get along, and we love each other's kids

as our own. This somewhat issue comes to play when she talks about having a child together. I feel that we are good. We got the best of both worlds. My girlfriend, on the other hand, has moments of baby fever. Pretty much. What's holding me back is um is number one naming the child and number two. We have two different ways of parenting. I focus on the naming part. Her family has a tradition of newborn child taking the grandparents first name as a middle as a middle name.

This I know. This is hilarious to me. Boys would take the grandfathers and the girls would take the grandmother's. I specifically did not make my son to Jr. Because I feel that the child should have an name unique to them. This sounds like us. Is it not sounds like us? Uh like Junior? Because I feel that the child should have a name unique to them so they can make their own name in this world. Then I'm

not the biggest fan of her father. Not to get to in depth, but he reminds me of my father and my father and my father has ten kids he's a good dad to her and her siblings, but he has a few traits that give me cause to not name my son if I had a boy after him. Okay, for me, it's a complete no go. For her, she likes the tradition. We are at an impast even though it would be later down the mind. What are your thoughts? Okay? So she has baby faces we were liked about. Okay.

So I love tradition, but I do feel like when you meet someone and then you create your own family, that you can then take on your own traditions. So I'm an advocate because I don't care for the junior situation. I am an advocate for creating your own tradition. And at that point saying, you know what, babe, I understand that this is your family's tradition. However, is this something somewhere we can compromise on this, because is it pretty much that is it that the grandparents the child takes

the middle name will be the grandparents name. It don't matter to me what name he talking about. This was this was the topic of contention for me and Codeine because I wanted to name kaz Devot and Codeine didn't want to name him Devot. And I was pissed because I'm like, yo, like we had a dead point. We had two kids. We had two kids at that point, and I named Jackson and we collectively named Cairo. But we agreed on those names. And I'm like, if it's

a boy, I wanted his name to be Devout. I'm like, this was going to be our last child. I have no namesakes. And she was just like, I don't want people gonna call him junior. They don't call him, but in my family junor where's Junia? Where a Junior? This is all I could hear is my my family. And I'm like, so I can't name my son after me because is what your family goes. I was just done. No, it wasn't just because of the way they would call him,

but I also to just believe the same thing. I feel like kids should have their own names and their own their own identities. And and I was not opposed to cats being cats devout, you know, And um, he was Cass Devout for a couple of hours of his life and then we changed it after the fact. But I mean, you had your moment, bro, you did you? This is what I'll tell y'all, I would not have kids because of the name. I would I would not not have kids. I would not not have kids because

we can't agree on the name. Clearly you both loved being parents. Um. I wish he would have spoken more about what the different ing with different thing parents styles are. Yeah, that team might would might be more of the thing that seems to be more of a pressing topic. But the name, y'allo, get over the name. Once the baby gets here, y'all name the baby. And if it's the middle name, A lot of people don't even really use their middle name on a day to day basis either.

You know, so freaking your mother was pissed that I named Kiro Shakoor and I had to put my footnown. Let me tell you something sometimes, dude, you gotta put your foot down and be like anybody shut up? Right? We named more or less? That's what says. Oh, we named Cayro. I was like, I like Kiro Shor. He was born on September thirteen. Tupac is one of the people that I admire so much as an artist, and I was like, you know, September thirteen, two thousand seven,

was when he died. I was like, this was the twentieth anniversary of when he was born. So I'm like, yo, we're gonna name him Kiro Shakor. And your mother was just like char people are going to think he's like gangster to fuck. I was like, what what are you talking about? My mom was all whild and she was like, his name is going to be associated with violence and guns. And I was like, mom, I was like, what do

you even know who to back is? I said, she don't know anybody passed Barrass Hammond and Bob Martin have feet. It's okay, We'll be all right, I mean, And to be honest, I wasn't crazy about Shakoor, just because I wasn't crazy about the name Skor. But then when I figured out that the meaning behind the name and then how it flowed with Cairo and everything, it was just I'll put my foot down, y'all. Yeah, and long story short, and I was just like, I like another name for

the middle. But I was like all right, well. And then also to that's another picking battle situation, like he felt strongly about that. I was on the fence. So it's like a bro, We're gonna rock with you because you feel strongly about it. If I'm gonna fight about that, like, I ain't have no better suggestions. I mean I did have a name that I liked, but I was like, whatever, like I would name you. Um, what was the name

I had for Cairo? I think it was Jamison. I'd like Caro Jamison and you were like, you'ld have been an alcoholic. But no, don't put that on my baby. I rebuked that in the name of James. But your mother your issue with everything. She would have been the one to like Jamison like Liqua Lia. She totally would have. And don't be making my mom sild You've been making my mom so crazy. I mean you're not far off, but she'd be sounding crazy. So yeah, bro, I mean,

thanks for writing and appreciate it. And I say, you know, traditions they made to have their own twists. So like me, I put my Christmas tree up October first to see it. What I don't care about this, this tradition that is Christmas. I'm gonna put my tree up when I feel like putting my tree up, and then what about it? And then talk and then what And then my husband was like, we're putting a tree up I'm a rock with you because you feel strongly about this tree going up on

October first. Facts, bro, just call me Shook Knight, got your back, all right? All to a second second listener letter. I'm not going to use my name because sometimes my wife listens to your podcasts. All right, anonymous, So I'm just gonna say I'm Geehig. I've been married and we have two from guys today. This is nice. I've been married for seven years and together with my wife for eight.

We've been through so much in our marriage, from evictions, my parents giving my wife verbal and emotional abuse because they don't like her. Because they don't like her. That's not funny, um, but it's just the way people phrase these things sometimes, unemployment, her having COVID nineteen and like everything, Oh my goodness, and still rolling. Wow. I hope she's better. Back in February, she said she wanted to separate because life is too much right now and marriage shouldn't be

this hard. We just moved into an apartment together because I thought we were trying to work it out, but apparently she's just saving her money to leave. I say, let's try one more time, don't quit, But she says she's tired of trying. Recently, she even started talking to her ex after not talking to him for eight years. She swears that they're just friends, but man, come on, really, I want to keep trying, but she keeps saying why I'm thirty and she's thirty one and we have a

six year old son. Do I try or give up? Oh? Bro? The first thing I'll say is, this has been a tough year for a lot of people. People, Um, it's marriage is going to be tough. I'm going to say that, right, But marriage is also a lot of fun. But what I will say this is these past eight months because of COVID has been extremely tough. And all I want to say is is this is an anomaly. You know, like we're not going to be going through a pandemic, and like, like we're going through a pandemic, This is

not something that's going to be the new normal. You can't base your relationship, or your family, or your love life on what's happened in the last eight months. So if you're gonna make a decision moving forward, don't let these past eight months be a litmus test. Now, the one thing he did say that was kind of concerning what he said. She asked for a separation in February, which you means that was before them, So she asked for a separation, and then the pandemic kids have made

it worse, and which means it was issues before. And I can tell you exactly what the issue is if your parents were verbally and physically abusive to your wife, verbally and emotionally abusive to your wife. Bro, you dropped the ball because Codeina. And if there's one thing that Codeine and I say when we have issues within our family, you know you you're my wife, like they want to check that, She'll say, like you're my husband. She got to come first. I know that's your parents, but you

can't let anybody emotionally overably abuse your wife. That's just a no go. That's a no go. Bro. I don't know how long it went on, but I don't care. If they don't like your wife, that's part probably the reason why she feels like, you know, this has to be over not getting support from him and also to getting he should have been together for for eight years, married seven and that's quite a bit of a long time. You guys have a lot of history and like he said,

evictions and so many different things that they've been through together. Um. The concerning part for me though, is like her talking to her X after eight years, like is this the X that you know? Sometimes people said there's the one that got away or the one that you just are There's like a one a lingering wonder of like what

would have happened if we were together? I'm wondering if something like that has happened with her in this X, and if there's like some sort of rekindling happening, or if there's something going on where you know, he may be that shoulder to cry on because she's going through something right now. Well let's do I wonder if that impacts they've been together the eight years got married. They've been married for seven which means they've only known each

other for a year and then got married. Maybe they got married for that year. I thought marriage were going to be something that it wasn't and they've been working on it. And then they have a six year old, So think about it, and they and he's thirty and she's thirty one. You see what I'm saying. So seven years, eight years, that's early tree, somebody you're together four years, four, you get married, you have a baby at five because

the baby six. So now all of these life changes happened in the first four or five years of their marriage, right, And we're talking about this the twenties. We just thought about how the twenties are a crazy time for us. They didn't really know each other, and they probably changed. They changed. It seemed like they changed. It really does seem like they change. And I'm just gonna I'm gonna throw in some contexts. This may not be the case.

But if y'all knew each other, got married, had a baby, your parents, especially that early, your parents probably didn't like her because your parents probably foresaw something between y'all that was moving too fast. That doesn't give them the right to disrespect her because you chose her as your wife, but they probably saw something that you couldn't see because they're your parents, right. Yeah, Usually parents see the writing on the wall before you do. So kind of like

with your mom. Mom and your mom, Yeah, both were just kind of like you guys just need to be individuals. You know, you're make fun of them, but your mother be knowing as much as I make fun of me me, and you know, I love you Meemi, your mother be knowing and my mother as much as I make fun of her in the type face, and she'd be like, un, slow down the wedding, you know what's going on. They'd

be knowing. Yeah, maybe he just needs to reevaluate, you know, if if this is what he wants to do, because um, they're still young. I mean the first five years of our marriage was the first five years, but we also had we were eight years prior to that, and also too, we were like die hard invested in making it work too, you know. And if she seemed that she kind of clocked out for whatever the reasons, maybe it could be

one thing, it could be a compilation of things. I think it's worth having a very open, open and candid conversation with her bro and just seeing like, yo, this is where things are. I understand that in our twenties

it was rough. We had a lot of different things happening. Um, you know, if you were willing to put the work in to move forward, you know, see if she's willing to meet you there, and if not, respect her space, move on and build build a happy life with you and your son as possible and be able to be co parents that can be amicable at least in agreeing on how you're going to raise your son. So because working things out just for the sake of the child

typically does not work out exactly. You know, the kids know, the kids know they So good luck to you broh. Yeah, both of our guys that wrote in today, thank you guys so much. I love when I hear that guys are listening as well. I hope you'll listened to the girls so too, because they were fun. It was fun, We were funny. That was a good That was a good group. Alright, guys, Um, so, if you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, you know the deal, go ahead and email us as advice at

gmail dot com. That's d E A D A d v I se you always missed this, always missed the never missed the eyes. You know what may come on? Let me trying it again. That's d E A D A S S A d v I c E at gmail dot com. All right, So a moment of truth when it comes to redefining marriage and all that stuff, I think my biggest one is not being afraid to

redefine what marriage looks for, like for us. I think sometimes my problem is that I get into this routine of wanting things to be a certain kind of way, and I have it that way in my mind, and then it never pans out to be what it is. So being realistic and what my goals are on a day to day basis and real sessing what this total pole looks like for me um is very important. And realizing that I have to make a conscious effort to also make sure that you feel the love that I

have for you all the time. I don't need it to be no deficits, and honestly, I need to make sure that I'm aware of where those those priorities are lying. And that's something I've been working on because I feel like we've been in a good space for you, so I've been like to keep it. Yes, I've been very deliberate,

that's the word. I like that word. I've been very deliberate with where I'm placing my time lately and knowing that some things are going to have to wait and where I used to be like, you know what, damn, work can't wait because it's worked. No, Sometimes my sanity is priceless, my husband's sanity and our time together as priceless. So that's how I'm redefining my ship. Um, my moment of truth is I want to speak particularly to guys

who grew up in an old school type of marriage. Um, being an alpha male and trying your hardest to be a provider doesn't mean that you control your wife. It means that you control everything around her so that she can make choices to help herself and help you be the better version of yourself. That you can be like that controlling everything around her, she can be what she

needs to be. That really then to me, that really that really shows your ability as an alpha my wife, like I got, I got everything around my wife, and my wife feels comfortable moving around. I'm controlling all of that as opposed to trying to control her. I control everything around her so she can move freely. Because if she can move freely and she can do the things she want, ultimately that loves you go and come back

to you. And that's been working. That's why I think, and that's how that's how in turn, as women can just be happier with the spaces that we're in knowing that we do have the autonomy over our lives to be able to do a little bit of this and do a little bit of that, and do it well to make ourselves happy, and in turn, that happy just spills all over. And I'll say this when you when you create the space around your wife, your wife will

spoil you. My wife spoils me. Now that I found I found that that nice area to where I help it would do a little this thing there and that a little thing that she spoils me. You know what I'm saying, Like the things that happened, and I'd be like, oh, it was nice, you know. Plus it's just it's just it's part of being absolutely that, as the saying goes, I take your of you, you take care of us absolutely a list be sure to find us on social media.

That's dead Ass the podcast and of course you know where to find me Cadine I am and I am devout. And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe. Yes, sir, thank you all for listening. Love y'all. Dead As dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network, and it is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the Podcasts and never miss a thing