Mansplain To Me

see I buy Hey, Yo, what's good y'all? We recorded these episodes before all the news about COVID night Steam broke, but we wanted to let you know that we're here for you, and we hope that these episodes can bring you a little bit of joy and escape in these uncertain times. Peace first and foremost. Cadine is not here, so this episode is dedicated to the fellas. So this is like the locker room. So let me start by saying this. Before I got married, I knew I ain't

no shit about marriage. Now and I'm married, I still don't know ship about marriage. Hey, I'm Cade and we're You may know us from posting funny videos without boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'm making me derby most days. And one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk

about through the lens of a millennium Matty Couples. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. Where we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take Philow's off to a whole new level. Dead as starts now. So, since it's the locker room, I'm gonna give you guys some insight into things that you normally don't hear about. My bachelor party. All right, My bachelor party was, Oh, I want you to close your

eyes and think about the best man. You remember the best man, my brother, my best friend below and all my cousins. They got me aloft in the city. It was private. Yes there was strippers, and yes there was alcohol. But this is the most funny thing about bachelor parties. None of that stuff is for you. Everybody got their money, they got the alcohol. The strippers come in, they line up, they do they dance on you for about three or four minutes, and you really don't have that much fun

because you're nervous. Like I was nervous because I was thinking about the next day. I was gonna be losing my independence as a man because I would be getting married, and marriage, for me is the rest of my life. So I did spend a lot of time while I was at my bachelor party reflecting because also my my brother in law and my and my best friend made sure that I didn't get too drunk because you still have to get married the next day, so you know, I was really watching my alcohol. I still had to

write my vows. I wrote my vows the night before my wedding, so we had a good time, but there still was a lot of thought going into what was gonna happen the next day. So I was still very focused on completing the task and getting down the aisle and making sure everything was perfect for the next day. So you're in for a treat, ladies and gentlemen. We have three men with us here today. You guys know Marcus Taksley. You probably heard him on this season talking

about stop clocking his wife's uterus. He got four whole boys, please welcome back and bringing the married man's perspective. My man Marcus Tainksley, good family, how y'all doing this? Next person is a crowd favorite. Everybody knows him from playing Gary Marshall Borders on BT Sister. This is my man, everybody's favorite uncle Uncle Cheetoh, what's everyone? How y'all doing?

All right, y'all, Last, but certainly not least, we got Brian Jordan Jr. Classically trained dancer singer plays Maurice on Sisters on BT. So for karaoke today, we're gonna do something different. Brian is going to bless us with the vocals. Scary of each time sing Brian sing Brian, I don't know the words. You don't have to. That's all they need. That's all they need. That's what they get a karaoke. They get six and seven seconds and that's everybody's favorite parts.

It's the best no words you ever hear. That's why I let Brian sing to my wife. If y'all, if y'all watch us on Instagram, you season And then he started singing He's kicked out in the house and shut up. So, gentlemen, thank you so much for doing this. I know It's a very scary topic for for us because this is kind of like the locker room. This is this is the locker room. Family gonna hear what happens in the

locker room exactly exactly, and the sad youth. There's a lot of people don't like what comes out of the locker room. That's why it stays in the locker room. But this is dead ass, so we like to be dead absolutely. So I want to start by asking the question, the question of the title right, Is marriage still the priority? Brian Cheetoh, you guys are both dating. Me and Marcus are already married in two thousand and twenty for the black mail the millennial black male. Is marriage still a priority?

Mm hmm. I don't think that it's um as much as a priority as it seemed to be twenty years ago. But it's important to me. It's a priority to me. Cheeto mt he should talking before the mice. I want to hear this. It's crazy. I mean, um, my parents have been married for a very long time in deparents from Nigeria from Nigeria came over. Obviously, still loves still going.

I've seen the ups and downs, the strains, and everything. Um. But as a single man and I'm coming up and I'm working my way up, you know, income life experiences, I'm like, okay, yeah, even coming up, it wasn't like three You're like, am I gonna marna get married? Just like hmm, well Marcus, you you got married. What did you have the same feeling? Because they they seem to

share the same, you know, feelings about it. Brian is a little bit more deliberate about wanting to get married, but kind of like it happens, but he wants to cheat. O kin Like, I don't even know if I want to say. I had the same thought process even when I was dating my my wife. It was just like, I don't know, you know, I think a lot of men go through that, even if what they're looking for marriage is just like that reluctance of I don't know, I'm giving up so much. When you talk in actuality,

you're not giving up anything. You're actually doing the best thing possible for you. At least that's how you viewed it. How a view that now that I am married and have been through it, um, and they have been married for you know, going on thirteen years now, But I had that same reluctance. And you know, we talked about

this in our podcast and everything. It's just like, I can't pay OnPoint exactly what a lot of men are reluctant to give up, other than all the theoretical women that we think we might be able to get real as honest, it is like, no, that is that even though I'm here with you and I don't plan on going the word but what if you like, but now I look back, like what if? What idiot? Like what do you mean? That's what I want to told myself? Then I'm an idiot. But the truth, you know, there's that,

like you know, I'm speaking for that. You said that that be honest. If you don't want to be honest, I'll be honest, be honest. There's options out there. I'll just say yes. And it's like when you're able to you know, you're able to meet a lot of these women. It's just like you said, like, what is what is what is marriage really gonna? What is it gonna make me give up? I mean, what is so exciting about it that I have to start everything that I'm doing

right now to jump into this. And and yes, there is a part of me that hopes that love and that the fantasy of love and the idea is going to be like to sit down. But right now, especially right now, I'm like, so good. And the crazy thing is, I'm so sorry that. The crazy thing about that is you don't know until you're marry how it is. And that's the scariest you know, He's like, because I know how it is to be out here doing what I

want to do, right, I know how good. And if it hurt, I'll recover from it and I come back and do whatever I want to do again. But with marriage, you like affecting your life somebody else's full life. And then if you have kids and you really you know so and and and this is the crazy part. And I'm glad we have this conversation because what you just brought up is the key component to marriage or not marriage. Right. Men haven't been able to articulate without offending women by saying,

what do I gain out of being marriage? So you you you're afraid to say it. So me, I'm not afraid to say it because I'm already married. You know what I'm saying, my wife, No, I'm not trying to court. It's difficult for you to say that. Why You're still like, according, right, men are concerned about this all right. When it comes to marriage nowadays, all the choices are given to women. If I say to you, I want a wife who cooks or cleans, then it's like, well, don't be so

old school. We're not with the matriarchy, right. If I say I want you to have kids, it's like, well, it's my body. I'm gonna have kids if I want to have kids, all right. If you know that your sex drive is high and your wife's isn't, it's high. She has the right to say she doesn't want to have sex, and you have to have sex when she wants to have sex, how she wants to have sex,

and when she wants to have sex. So, realistically, as a man, what am I signing up for if everything in my life is going to be dependent on what you want to do, when you want to do, and how you want to do it, And if I try to vocalize what I want to need is considered misogynistic. And to be honest, it's difficult for men to think about that, especially in their mid twenties, because it's like, why am I giving all my choices to somebody else. And the sad truth is people don't want to vocalize

it because it sounds messed up. But when you get married, that's what you do give up. You give up all of that because there has to be a purpose. Now. I didn't get into why I got married, but I always wanted to be married, like it was something that I grew up watching my my grandfather. I grew up watching my father and my uncle's they're all married, and there was something about the union of marriage that drew me.

You know, my godfather, uncle Frank, isn't married, and I've seen different, you know, different lifestyles, but there was something about having children and coming home to a family that was just exciting for me. So for me, marriage wasn't only about just me and her. It was about what

we're gonna build. And when you figure out what you're gonna build, the things that happened with you and her be almost become secondary, which is scary because you can lose yourself in your marriage because the idea of the marriage becomes bigger than you and her. And that's what I want to talk with you guys about. You see, that was one of the things with me. That's that's

what it was. I had this false sense of I have to be at a certain level before I get married because I grew up my parents were married to day, my father that they were married for forty six years, and I saw that whole coming home, you know, the whole family thing. So it's like, I have to be able to support this before I bring someone else into this union. I have to reach a certain level of success. And then while dating, I saw how much my wife was better at me. It was like, I cannot reach

that without her. She betters me, and that's gonna be my only way elevate. Now I look back just like I'm glad I came to that realization then and not, you know, ten years later, we talked. We talked about this all the time in my house. That was the thing. And even tell a wife and she was like, why what makes you, you know, pull away from marry so much. I was like, because I want to be at a certain level. I want to be able to have a certain income. I want to be a certain position in

my life. She does support, No, yeah, before I bring because I want to be able to support whoever I bring in. And then she was just like, you know, you don't see anyone build a house about themselves and that and obviously um because it's like what is that level? You know? And that in fact the facts dating too, because like I remember points when I was coming up, and you know, you meet beautiful women, You're like, oh man,

this is like a potential partner. I could talk to everything, but like I'm not where I'm at, you know what I mean. And then I'm just gritting and grinding. And you know, this industry with trying to play ball, trying to um um grow grow your career as an actor. You're going through these pigs and valleys, and that affects you as a man. Sometimes it's like, well damn, I can't even I can't even take you to the movies right now without really checking my pockets. So I'm like

I'd rather not even I got one. Sometimes like I would have not even wished the sign, you know what I mean, Like just I'm cool with I'm cool right now because I can't give you what you're looking for by myself. I can't even provide a little simple thing

is taking you out someone. You know. What I was gonna say is I think that, Um, what has been established in modern dating is these expectations of men to have so much, or to have this great job, or to have and so what happens is there is an innate insecurity that we learned from when even when we a little boy. Remember when I was a little boy and I was in elementary school and I've got this girl, this Valentine's thing that I begged my mama to buy so that I can give to her, and she hated it.

It was cheap, my mom, wint you know? Look, she hated it. And ever since then, I've always thought about, like, I know that I have to make this amount of money. I know that I'm an actor. I know that I don't make enough money right now to support someone. And and what stops young black men? Because I'm twenty eight and when I think about saying, Okay, I'm gonna go and get married, what can I offer? What do I feel like I have enough? Am I insecure about what

I have or what I don't have? And I think that, um, if you don't understand that things are more than money, then your first mind would be like, well, I'm just wait until i'm you know, seventy five and I don't gotta retire a month to You know a lot of people in our culture where a lot of people look at like Michelle and Barack has the pinnacle, and it's like they didn't meet each other as Michelle and Barack each other struggling, but they were kids. They don't have

the money, don't have anything. They went into that, I'm sure, and it's like and they build each other up to that, and a lot of people see the end result. They see you, well, it's a bad example there, But Claire and Cliff hospitable, you know that whole thing. And it's like no, no, no, no, they started from ground zero and build that. It wasn't oh we're starting here at

the top. You work your way up to the town. Yeah. Well, what I think we need to be concerned about, especially as Black people, are the myths and the narratives that are created that ultimately destroy our culture. I've been doing research for the past week about this and shout out to Trouble because she always hits me with some statistics. Right, one of the myths in this country is that black

men don't earn as much as black women. So that myth has created a stigma that black women should start dating outside of their race because black men just don't make enough money to support the black household. Just because black women are more likely to graduate from college, which is part of the this this study done by Yale, then their male counterparts doesn't mean that they out earned black men. Actually, black men are more likely than black

women to bring home at least seventy dollars annually. Because of the double standards and the gender gap in the income, black men remain the breadwinners in the African American community. That's not a narrative that we're here, we're hearing that we don't make as much money as black women because black women get degrees to the one the black men. But you know what just came out in the study from Harvard. White women out get degrees at a higher

level than white men to the one. So it's the same, it's the same ratio, but they push one ratio because it's like, hey, black men aren't good enough. Because and then the other stigma that's pushed out is once a black man is successful, that he's more than likely to marry someone that's not black. Now I already know the numbers.

What percentage of Black men who earn over a hundred thousand dollars because major of the country earns less than fifty dollars, it's nine percent of the population or nine percent of the American population earned over a hundred thousand dollars, which is considered rich. What percentage of Black men who earn over a hundred thousand dollars date or married Black women? Marry?

Excuse me? Married? According to of that, I want to say, like seventy, I probably say about pent of Black men who earn over a hundred thousand dollars married black women. But the reason why you thought it was women was married don't marry? No, yeah, married black women. Make over,

here's funny. It's funny. All of my friends who I played ball with, WHI graduated, all married black And that's why I would saying because I'm thinking, I'm like I thought you everybody native come from that black women are undesirable. And the thing is eight percent of all Black men who are married are married to black women. So where did the narrative come from that black men don't marry black women and black women aren't getting married was glorified?

And what you see on social media and stuff, you know, like or just in general what they pushed. It's like this, yeah, like you get some foreign check or whatever, and it's just like pumped and put. I even noticed it when I used to watching like music videos. I remember, like, I mean, do you see like when I was coming watching like all the videos was like a lot of

black video vixens. And then like there's like a shift and then it went to this like this, and then you just and then it just became the thing where you have to have the new, baddest something exact chick in there. And so when you're sitting back in your impressionable years coming up, that's what you're saying. So you're like, Okay, I guess when I do get on and I do make this thing, that's what I gotta put my view what everybody's gonna think. Its good. Might get that on

my hand, But this I don't understand though. Even in the early two thousand's, right, those those men who had those video vixens, they were marrying them. I just got married, to be honest with the black lives. So I think the message was getting laws your party, you have a good time. But they were settling with with black women. And I think that our culture has been poisoned with

this idea that black men don't desire Black women. Women feel like black men don't want them, and it makes it more difficult for people dating my young kids who are in college, when they tell me, just like you said, there's a man I don't make. I don't know if

I make enough money to day a black woman. And I don't know if I could date a black woman because I don't have my degree at and it's all about degrees, and it's just like these people are just people, you know what I'm saying, And it makes it difficult. Did you, guys, did you feel that way? I know you got your degree. I wasn't really too turned off by a woman wanted me to bring something to the table as far as like my education. That's one thing

I could control right now. Nothing like an education or like if you have like a trade or skill like that you're working towards. I wasn't because I do want someone that kind of wants a standard. But you definitely there was they don't like man like. I think more for me, it was more of the finances that that was really running towards. I wasn't really turned back by someone being like, well, yeah, he like what's he your your boy? This guy, what is he going to school?

What's he doing this? Like what's that? And if it was a no, I was even looking at like, bro, you doing right now and you're not doing nothing? Like I can't even be around you right now because I want my circle of people to be elevated. I loved when me and my boys walking the room and the girl was like your girls, like, what's up with your friends? Like, oh, my boy players here, you go to school. Here, he's

working on this. That's what my whole team was looking like, because I thought that was just that you were never afraid to approach women. Were you ever afraid to proach women because you didn't make money or didn't feel like for sure? Um one thing? That education is also something that has been at the forefoot of my life and I've always excelled. But I wasn't a cold and not a working actor for six years. And so when you come to somebody and say what, like what job, what's

your job? And it's like, oh, you know, I'm an acting Like what's your real job? You know they say that, and so it's just like, no, no, I'm you know, I'm a serious actor, and you got twelve roommates. You know. It's just like I ain't gonna worry about it, like I ain't gonna text them all. You know, That's just what it is. It's like, you know that even if she acts like she into it, after a while, she

gonna get to if you're not making that money. It's just like and and so when you find somebody like Codeine who wants to ride with you that but who wants to go don't don't get but you know, it's just like that is rare with black women. And so I think that, um, in my experience with black women, because I'm gonna get killed in the middle, it might

explain you always have experience with already. So it's it's like in my experience it has literally been I've literally been in so many situations that I can't even count where I've been told well maybe you are to um, yeah, you can work. I mean you gotta make money, like you know, yeah, I hear you. And now today it's a whole different story. See with me, it was because it was the same thing. You know, I'm really from Lestern, Kentucky. And that was the thing. Like all my boys were

in school. I went, I got a social degree in industrial electricity, so I was an electrician. They were still in school. I was already buying cars and how's money? So and me when I looked at women, and I always wanted somebody that I'm attracted to intelligence. So if you have a bachelor's degree, No, how do you feel when women say if he don't have a bachelor's degree or a master that's because that's what that's That's what it was. It was like, all my boys are going

to UK there, you know, college just threw out. I was like, oh, where you going to school? I was like, oh, I'm done with school. It was like oh you know, and we all leave and get in our cars. And mine is a little newer because like where you're going, Oh we are going to my house? Yeah, you know. It's that type of thing. Like I never really it never really bothered me. It's like, oh, you ain't got agree, No, No,

I'm good. My dad to income ratio was phenomenal, you know. Um, And that's and that's how it always always looked at it. But it does. It used to like when I was younger dating it did sometimes it feels some type of way, but at the end of the day, I was just like, no, I'm good with this, you know, And like, right now, my wife she's got two bachelors and two masters and working back to get a document and just like, that's type of thing I like. So I always wanted the

woman that made equal to or more than me. I always said that because I'm like, I know what I bring to the table when I'm capable of bringing to the table. The fact that I like this intelligence, I know that's gonna elevate mine. I was like, why don't you want to make it less than me? I'm good. It might be like like who are you? It's like, I know I'm gonna bring doctor right therefore, you know,

I want to see that. It's funny to hear you say that, because there's another myth that educated black women have it harder than anyone else in the country to find a husband. Here's the truth, I have documentation, getting a college degree is the worst thing a black woman can do if she wants to get married. Right, We're not exactly new stories about black marriage often mentioned that more black women persu higher education than black men by

a two to one ratio according to some estimates. But what these articles leave out is that white women also earned college degrees more than white men, same to the one, and because of the gender and balances, hasn't hurt white women's chances at natural morning. What's more, black women who finished college actually improve their chances of marrying rather than

lowering them. Among black women, college graduates are married by forty whereas only sixty of black high school graduates are married by that age, which means that women who get degrees have a higher chance of getting married than not. So that leads me to this question. When you look at what you're looking for in a spouse, what are

you looking for in a woman? I gosh, I mean if that's I mean, that's that's there's a lot of question because I guess I've gotten to the I'll speak for myself, my experience going through that struggle of trying to, you know, get my finances in the point and then finally, you know, touching on what you talked about, getting my finances to a point where I feel like I want to look around. Then I'm like, well, I want to experience the success with my free the freedom of my

success right now. So you know, I want to enjoy things, not necessarily doesn't mean chasing a whole ship ton of women. It just means, like I enjoy being by myself. I enjoy being able to get up and go move where I want to move. And I'm not really sure right right now, I'm really looking to even share that experience. So you don't have a list of things that you're not even Yeah, I mean I mean that there's a

check list of what I'm looking for. And like when I see a girl exotic, youbody get chilled because it's it's it's progressed too, because um, look, okay, look I'm a bachelor, all right, I'm very I'm single, very single. H what's the damn check you're saying it is? I mean, intelligence is everything. Um, you kind of get past the looks. I mean it's I know it sounds crazy because the

look you that's supposed to get you at first. But if I sit down, I do you know, mingo a lot, go to lounges and stuff, and I sit down and talk and there's no intelligence there. There's nothing, no substance, nothing, So they got it I'm checked out even no matter how beautiful would I mean, if I'm shopping, but it's

like there's there's not white material. It's not white material that and she goes immediately goes into this category here, you know what I mean, Like, yeah, we can, we can do are looking for the category, but you ain't you. You can't come over your life, life and material. I ain't bring you around, you know. Yeah, that's what that is.

That maybe maybe she ain't so different, but for me and two of y'all really know me well in this room, I am physicality and something that's important whatever to everybody, but for me, I will be immediately turned off. If you are not smart, I just can't do it. Like I can't even be around immediately. I don't even want to smash, to be honest, I can't do it. I want to know if you're smart. I want to know

if you're funny. You gotta be funny, you gotta be able to deal with my funny just can't work like I can. I don't want to be around you. So this brings me to pretty much like the meet of the show, Right, we're getting to marriage. Say you meet this girl, right and you hypothetically, hypothetically and she not now for you, I've already met him, right, and you you're already out of talk about ready to leave. I'm

getting really uncomfortable on scorm in my chair. I'm hearing this marriage dog no. But it's funny you say that. So many men get nervous when it's time to think about marriage. And for all the young guys who are in my inbox, they all say the same thing, devout, why should I get married? And their thought processes And I know you you want to say that though processes. All they hear from women nowadays is I'm chasing my bag about my career. Don't ask me to cook, don't

ask me to clean. You get your mama to do that. You know what I'm saying. Like, and it's like, and you think about marriage if you're looking for a life partner, right, you don't want to cook, you don't want to clean, you don't want to have babies. You only want to have sex. When you want to have sex, Why would anybody commit to that? And I'm telling you how that because that's what you think about before you get married, because you once you say this is forever, this is forever, forever.

I can only have sex when you want to have sex, and I can't sex with nobody else. You don't want to cook and clean? I got I'm gonna have to find somebody else to do that. So it's like, what do I have a roommate? That's just a woman who controls my life and my whereabouts. That's what men think about, and that's the truth. I got a question for the guys who are still single. Do y'all actually hear that out of women about I don't want to cook. I don't want to call her a countless amount of time?

Anybody wife worthy? Have you heard it from anybody wife worthy? Yo? I would let me tell yourself like this, first of all cooking, Let me tell yourself that I was literally like in love with this woman recently and she it wasn't I ain't gonna cook, she ain't have pots in her house, like it ain't eat. I can't to learn

that story. But the whole the movements of women empowerment has often taken out the idea of being motherly and being a home nurturing because they have looked down on women who do that so much, where they're like, I'm not doing it. I'm not falling back into the patriarchy of what life used to be. I'm gonna be a breadwinner just like you, which I can't respect for that. But my thing is if I'm a man and I'm a breadwinner, because women do come to the table with

their lists. They come with their lists. So if if the long list right, and if their list means that I have to be a breadwinner, I have to provide and protect. I'm not looking for somebody who got the same things on my list. I can do that for myself. I'm saying is if everybody winning bread and ain't nobody baking it, then we still can't true and you like to cook, I do, and I don't want to have to feel like if I don't want to cook today, we gotta go. It's gonna be bost like it. Literally.

I think that there is such a deep rooted like confusion in African American people when it comes to dating each other, and it stems from slavery. It seems from where African American people even began and where we learned how to treat women or we learned how to treat men. And I think that what black women connect the hurt too is something that is not even black men doing. It's something that it's just we are descendants of slavery, all of us. Here. Slavery began when African slaves were

traded heres of royalty. I just wanted to royalty. And now we at the bottom of the totem pole because all we could do was come to America and learn what they taught what the us and so what they taught us was to mistreat the women are, to treat them differently, to separate, and I think we still deal with that today. So actually they were doing the same thing they were teaching us. What they were doing, absolutely,

that's all. That's all we knew. And so today I think that even as Caucasian culture has ascended to a place where the white men, the white women fight for equality just like we do, they respond differently to their men than Black women do. And so in my experience, I feel like black women have held um us responsible

for something that all of us aren't doing. Like I've been told so many times that black women don't I mean, black men don't support black women, and and I support so many black women women like it's like a platform of mine. You know what I mean? And um, and so it's it's hard to deal with that and then say, let me get married to this woman who say that black men don't support and I support her, you know

what I mean. It's just it's it's difficult. I think that there's a disconnected So don't think the battle between black men and black women in our culture has really caused an issue in the marriage, well in the nuclear families, because it seems like we're competing with each other into so turned into me, like who's bringing what to the table. And then in terms of so I don't need you, and it's like, I'm actually glad you don't need me, need me. I actually just want you to want me,

you know what I mean? Like that, that's a that's a dope statement because I say it to my wife all the time. I say it all the time. I want to be wanted. Yeah, that's I'm good with that. I don't. I don't. I don't want to be. I want to be I want to come in the house and know that you want me to be here. That's what I don't want to feel like it's an obligation for you to drive me here, because then it becomes a chore, then it's not organic, Then it's not love.

So it's it's that's like a deep statement. Black men want to be wanted. We also got to understand too, that black women wanted to be. I don't want to be in a position where I feel like there's some men who were just felt like they were so rushed and pressured into being married, and then they get married and now they're like, man, I feel trapped whatever it is, and then the woman's in over there, like, man, I don't feel like what you're saying. What you're saying is

the truth. I felt that way. And the funny thing is I put the pressure on myself because I grew up during the time where you had to race. You wanted to race to be successful because everybody around you is being successful. So you graduate from college, you we go to the league. What's next, Oh, I gotta get married, what's next? Buy a house, what's next? I gotta have kids. I wasn't a race to do all these things to prove my success, to prove my worth as a black man.

And in doing all of that, I missed out on what it meant to be a husband. And I really was a shitty husband because I wasn't really paying attention to my wife. You know what I'm saying. Like I was. I was earning money, I was working hard, I was being a good dad. I was buying property. I was doing everything that I needed to do to check my own list that I needed. But I wasn't doing anything that she wanted because I felt like I was doing

what I you know, what I needed to do that. Uh. I've also noticed that, you know, um, black women, black man, there has been people have been waiting a little longer. You know, people are entering their thirties and have to taking their time because there is there has to be a form of self discovery, especially for me. I mean, like I said, I meet plenty women and I could

just sit down listening. I'm just like, man, you you're you're carrying maybe baggage or you haven't really think out what you're really looking and you're looking for me to figure that out for you, and I can't do that. I want to meet someone who's on who's on their on their path and it's figuring out themselves and and

knows what they want. And I actually like meeting people who a little bit more seasoned, ye journey, And that's what because what I'm hearing is um like I'm here, like I'm hearing the different cities that we grew up in, the different generations we group. And that's why I like me and wife. We talked to all our single friends and I'm like, I am so glad I am not

dating right now. How difficult it is, like, especially when you want to find somebody's like, yeah, we're just dating, but I want to be I want you to be worth dating. And it even sounds like a struggle too. Yeah, And I'm like me, Like, you meet someone who's just a woman that's head to her thirties, she got her career setting, everything's good. She's like, Okay, you're on the same age. We should be right, we should be ready

to dating right now. You got your career, right, Yeah, I got my career, but I kind of want to do my thing. And even though you are a potential partner and you've got ship together, I'm just a right, I just kind of wanted casual. Yeah, That's why I ended in. That's why I'm glad I entered into it at a younger age because, like I said, I had my career. She was still building her career, which I

didn't mind. I shifted and it seemed like and my grandmother used to say this, my grandmother, she's got Alzheimer's now, but she's very old school. She said that the worst thing that ever happened to the black family was the women's movement, because no one wants to be at home to build families, he said. She She said, y'all are here having all these babies. At the time, my brother had had a baby out of what very young. You're having all these babies, and nobody's home to raise these babies,

and babies gonna go up to be adults. And I was like, man, that's that's true, because no one values home anymore. No one values being a homemaker being no truth. And that's not just women, men too, Like I enjoyed being a father. I love being a father, right, And dudes be like, it's a lot take them to school, you do that, you gotta make for sometimes I'm like, yeah, because that's part of being a fun. Man. How much I heard there from dudes when I just had my

fourth son. We got four kids, and they were like, man, y'all got another kid. Man you're gonna be changing diaperseness. I'm like, when I'm bady, I got somebody to take care of me. You know what I'm saying. This is a legacy I'm building right here. Like and they were that's how they were taught, like it was a negative thing. I'm like, have you lost your mind? So you think that's the mindset of people these days? When you met your wives? Like how did you? Like? Okay, how do

you even how do you even know? Because I share what what your your single friend goes through where you're like, okay, I want to smash, hang out, smash, smash match and they're like, wow, I can't want something a little more serious than what comes with it. You're like whoa, whoa, whoa wha And then it's like how and this is just for the merry guys, Like I mean, how did y'all even know? That's a great question because from me the bad chick, and you're like okay, and yeah, for me,

it's um. Like I said earlier on, it's like I saw how much she would better me. I was a better by being with her. Um. She was one of those people like you know, coaching you along. It wasn't like somebody riding your cotails along for the rat, which is like, oh, you plan on going through the door. See, let's take a step back. Don't do that. Yeah, let's let's say a B and D. You know, it's like,

let's let's think about this. And I was like, you know what this chick is actually she actually you know, I don't know what I'm thinking if I don't hear and grab this, because somebody else might suit through, you know. And on top of that, like all my uncles, they were all marride and I mean I got some uncles. They all got kids around the same age by different women. But one of my uncle's told me, actually he told my brother. My brother was telling me about it, he

said he told me. He actually told me one day. He said, you know, when you found the right woman, it's gonna get a little deep. He said, you found the right woman when you can picture her sitting beside you at your mother's funeral. Basically, someone who you see yourself setting aside in your darkest, deepest, most hurt moment, supporting you. And that's like, okay, so it's but I understand it bigger. It's bigger than oh, you know, smashing

his chicks. Mashing his chick You know what does she make? It is like, hold on, how are we truly going to survive this world and better each other? Because it's bigger than that. You know, you got you got a legacy, you got a family to carry on, and you need a partner to do that with. And that's I know what. You know he doesn't want to say. He doesn't want

to say cause she be getting nervous. But you know that like the idea right now, I can admit, like the idea of marriage is is beautiful, yes, but like friendly guys this, but there's a reason why. There's a reason why Cheeto disclosed to me a long time ago that he had never been in a situation financially where he could live the life he wanted to live before you getting married. Now, let me be clear, right, we do have to wait longer because nobody here came from

generational wealth. You came from generational from you. So we in our life spend out twenties trying to build our generational wealth. Then we get to our thirties and we can enjoy it. Right. I remember when I was in college, my white counterparts dad's had money. So on the weekends, they were on yachts, they were on boats, they were having parties. They so they had that opportunity to live

their life. So it's like, you know what, I'm getting married at seven because I've done all my fun things already. In the black experience in America, we don't have that experience. My father didn't give me a trust fund, in a in a car and told me to enjoy myself. On the weekends, I was I was training, or I was in my books. So then when I started to make money, it's like, I have to enjoy this first. Now I had met Kay going through the whole process, and I

always wanted to be married. And it's funny you say, what you know, how do you know when you met the person? You won't meet the right person until Cheetah was the right person to be married. Because you have to be prepared mentally to say I am going to do this and deal with all the bullshit that comes to being married. And I'll break it down to this because it's what all the single men asked for the vow. How you have sex with one person all the time, and how do you see and no it's the truth.

And they say, how do you how do you not only that, deal with the fact that she may not want to have sex as often as you want to have sex, because they tell me the stories. They're like, Yo, I got I go through my d m s. I hit somebody up on a Monday, she's not available. I hit the next one until I hit somebody and then I do the same thing on the Tuesday and the Wednesday, and I get what I want and what I need.

When you're married, you have no more d ms. So if that person is not prepared, you know you can't do it. And what happens is is that men get shamed for having high sex drives. They call us dogs, they say we're immature. Right, so then you start to feel like, damn, am I supposed to not be a man? No? It is not natural to be with one person for the rest of your life. It's not normal. It's not normal. But let me ask you this, if you want to do something great in your life, can you do anything

great in your life being normal? No? So when you're going into marriage, don't go into marriage thinking I can be normal in my marriage. There is a discipline to be a monogamous, that you have to be prepared before you take that on. And then once you take that on, then you'll find then you'll start to realize, like, wait, this woman here is worth being disciplined. And that's really the key. It's not really about the woman. You gotta find it. You're not even at that point yet, bro,

So for you looking for women that's worth it. You not even you don't even want to be discipline You don't want to. You don't say you're not looking for it's fine to be at that point. Yeah. And different after marriage, and it's it's a it's different. It's like it's deeper. It's different sex. Sex, it's a whole different thing. It's not smashing. It's like no, no, for real, it's like a deeper deep like that. And what they have.

You still may have smashed sessions, you got that. Look, we got fifteen minutes, what we got, let's go, but you have sex. It's you know, I would imagine that it would have to be though, yes, yeah, for this have to be designed that way. You know, it's like we got to find something deep. Here's another thing too, when you have kids, right, because for me, marriage was about legacy. Everybody gets married for their own reasons. Marriage for me was my legacy. I want the Ellis name

to live on eternity. What better way than to have your name live on through eternity is to have your own children and teach them everything that you learn and have them take all of your teachings and tell their kids and tell their kids. Like to me, that was the most important part of marriage. The companionship, the friendship, her cooking and cleaning me cooking and cleaning, sexualless stuff. You can find that in a buddy or a best friend.

If you have a best friend that's a female, you'all can do that and don't got to be married, you know what I'm saying. It was about the legacy, like building it, you know, like that's that to me was the most important part of marriage. And marriage ain't for everybody because you sit down and think about it sometimes and I have buddies. A lot of my friends are married. A few of us are kind of where I'm at, and it's like deaf kids definitely, It's like I want kids,

but do I want marriage? And they're supposed to go together, but don't have to know. People were making it work that way with this new age until you got that baby's mama and me it's like, I don't like you want to get married. This is what I will say. What I've gathered just being here and observing the room is the people who are single and the people who

are married. And both of you guys said it, which I don't know what your experiences with like men and your family, but both of you guys said that you had a lot of uncles who were married and your parents were your parents married, My parents were not married. My uncle's are seeing I think my uncle may be married, but it's like his seventh marriage, like and so so

growing up. For me, what I the reason why I want to get married, and I think I'm more sure than cheetoh is is because I saw the trajectory or the journey that those men had without being married. My dad is not married, you know what I mean, Like my mom is not married. You know. When so I I understand that in love, I want my life to be different than those before me. And so I know that when I see um a vivid illustration of a marriage and where I'm close enough to devour to know.

You know, sometimes when you get upset or I see him deal with his kids and deal with his wife. This is probably my first exposure to so. I mean, I tell the Valanchio all the time, like, I don't really care for kids. Um, and I talked right out of college and I did not like the kids. I do not like kids. Kids. I love each of them, and I don't know what that's about. I have nieces

and nephew I don't and I love his kids. I don't know what it's about, but I think that it's because like and I love I have a niece that's like my god daughter and I love her, but my sister is single. Um de valence, it's a heat. There is a family unit that y'all think, y'all see on Instagram,

but it's it's truly something that's inspiring. And so in the eight months or nine months that I've been a different conversation right there, in the eight months nine months that I've been doing the vow, it has helped me to understand that I actually do want kids. I think that I was. I'm afraid that what I have to offer right now without a partner, it's something that I got it as a kid, and it wasn't enough, and I dealt with struggles. I deal with things growing up

because I did not have a unit. And I believe, and that's why I'm saying that, I believe that to adequately raise black men and women in America, there needs to be a unit. That's just what I believe. That's I mean. Um, it's crazy because I have I come from. My parents are still together. I've been together a long time. But like I said, I I've been over enough to

um see the ups and downs of of marriage. On the flips out of that, there is that we're I'm the second oldest, so I passed away but pretty much been the oldest my entire life. So for my personal experience, and maybe there's others after that to share the same thing, like when you do start accumulating wealth or making money. I have six other siblings, so I've always constantly shared

a room shared. I've never when I really sit down to myself and things like damn, I'm never really just like I was wondering where I was like clutch on the things, or just when I just want to be at home by myself in my introvert No, sometimes just like damn, I just want to be find him first apartment. That was the first time five four years ago when I moved out hotel, was the first time I had my own place to myself and my years of being off this earth, you know what I mean. So it's like,

all right, I want to do cheeto right now. So I don't want to put it as like there was something going on that's it was coming up. I think it's that was a hard transition for me, going single to being married and what we were in age by the time I moved out here, we were engaged and living together and me, I was used to having my own thing. And it's like, I'm a neat freak, like like to the point of the hell life for people, and it's like she's not. It's like polar opposites, but

they say the opposite attract I guess. But what was that about the neatness of women and men? Know? It depends defense. I'm gonna tell you it depends because it's a myth that that men are messy and women keep the house, but it's really not. It depends on it depends on the area of the house. Houses. Man, girl, you live like this? Who you dating? Bro? Question? We're

gonna start picking. We're gonna pick people. People do be messy, alright, so real quick, let me let me take this back because now we have some insight to what goes on into dating. Um, is marriage a priority? Is it? The answered a lot quicker before the beginning. Now that we discussed it, I already realized it for Cheeta, not right now, for you. It is. It's not the first priority, but it is a priority. That's fair. That's fair. It's not paper,

you know what. It's important because I feel like when women date, women are a lot more deliberate with dating when they want to date liberally because they have biological things that they need to focus on. So I feel like women often date men saying I need to make him ready for marriage when it the bottom line is if that brother is not ready for marriage, you can't date him into being ready for marriage. She has to be ready. And I think that's what what people need

to be up front when they date. And I'm very upfront because I'm so glad you said that because I've had I've met women who are like really deliberate and I respect and I let him know right there, like, Yo, it's just not gonna go anywhere and to their crest and they're just been like, okay, well this is it. And it's been like, oh yeah, you to And I'm like, okay, well that you gotta respect that. I respect it and

go back after. She's gonna be somebody's wife. She can't beat somebody's out here doing free smashes and she's looking for a husband. I have very close friends who I mean, obviously since we've been on the show. People know who Devallece. You know who Cheeto is and a beautiful friends and Cheeto you know who I'm talking about who Cheet always like, you know, she looks great and she's like he looks great. And I'm like, no, right ready, I'll kill him. No, I get it, I get it, I get it. You

shouldn't go to that place, y'all on different planes. She said, you want to meet the right to you're the right person, though, that's that's that's rightly the best thing from here. I think I'm the right person. It's just the right just like with you can't have like a healthy, healthy dating life, and I just especially myself, I always pride myself on trying to be as upfront, not as as possible because

it just eliminates the drub. I hate drunk, so I don't ever want to worry about getting an arguments girls text made texting them it's or anything crazy. If I just be up front from the beginning, you know what it is, whether feelings have been caught or whatever down the line. Listen, I told you that's when it don't matter. And the reason why we don't, the reason why now

you are god because you ain't going nowhere. You know, it's just so crazy because a lot of women get upset at the truth when they hear that, and so it makes you I just really respect you for doing that because women who get upset if you said, oh, you're adult, you're trying to be out here, you belong to the street, you do, you know, it's like you know, I'm like, you know man, you know, calm down, man, that hurt you hit me? You know, I'm let and you know the truth, so that we won't have issues

for us. I just said, let me phone can argument Like I'm gonna tell you something. Yeah, that don't change. When you get married. Women still don't want to hear the truth. Women will tell you They just tell me how you feel I want to know, And then with each other they're like, no, they don't know, don't want to hear. They want to hear a certain way. You know, they want the truth, but they wanted to be spelled out differently from what from the way we know how

to say it. That's all wife of all time. I'm a man, I don't know how to articulate the word. Those shoes are ugly. I don't know how else to say it. That's me like, I ain't gonna let hear this. Well check this out. Man, guys, I appreciate you all right now, we'll be right back with listening letters after these ads. This for the record, there it is a winds for the ages. Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring sports icons. In his story, it comes with

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Listen in Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite podcast app. Alright, guys, be back in. Canine's not here for a favorite part of the show, So I'm gonna jump right in. Here is listening letters. That's when people write in what they're going through and they try to get advice from us. So we're gonna try to give these people some good advice. The first one is about seven months ago, a cowork of mine slid in my d MS and expressed her interest in me. I told her I wasn't looking for

a relationship, but I was down to hang out. Um, she's not black. I strongly believe the most revolutionary thing a black man can do is love, protect and raised children with a black woman. And I've always intended on that being the case. What's your perspective on interracial interracial dating? And in my room for having doubts simply because she isn't black, I got my thoughts on this. I don't know how y'all feel about this. He likes what he likes, he said, he just wanted to he said he want

to hang out. I don't see what the problem is. Yeah, but he also said, is he wrong for having his thoughts about only wanting to marry and build a family with a No. I mean marriage and dating and hanging out are completely different. Spect to me, they're completely different. And also, and even if he didn't want to marry, if he wants to marry back, but I think that I don't think that anybody would have an issue with the white person saying they want to marry a white person.

So we should have to apologize. I've heard that before, you know. It was that college women like, well, I'm gonna we can hang out, do our thing. But I'm actually I know I'm gonna marry a white man. I'm like, yeah, I've never heard from a white woman because I don't deal with him well. But you know, you know what's funny though, if you look at history, white women have historically, especially in college, dealt with a ton of black lithletes. But we'll only bring a white man home to our father,

you know. But you know, we do get black if we say that that's the rules and regulations. Here's the truth though, and this is why it's like black mama, mama's black mamas will say that. Black mamas will say that, But there's a reason why, right. And I believe in loving who you want to love, all right, because just because someone's black, don't mean they're gonna love you better than a white person can love you. But what I fear is similar to what I went through in high school.

A buddy of mine. Don't wan to stay his name because you know they may still be listening, but he was half black, half white. His dad was white, his mom was black, and his father was a very very nice guy, always opened up his home to us and stuff like that. We were walking around Kings Plaza and they had this new rule, this one stopping frisk was around. They had this new ruling Kings Plaza that if if three or more people assembled in a group, it was

considered a gang and you had to be detained. Just came from football practice. We're walking around them all and the cops stop us. This when they had two officers on both floors. Cops stop us, pull us over, boom um, come here. So we're like, what's up. It's like, why are y'all walking together? So now we're just like we just came from football practice. We all had on the same colors, black and gold or whatever, and they grabbed us, you know, put us in handcuffs, and we're sitting there,

and call your parents. So he called his dad, and his dad white man walks in, you know, screaming what happened? What happened? What you do? And he was like nothing, We were just walking around. And he said something that that resonated with me. He said, cops are not gonna just pull you over and arrest you for no reason. And what I realized at that point, being seventeen years old, was he doesn't understand the black experience. And that's true, and it is it's truth. And I wasn't even mad

at at his son. I was mad at him at that point because I was kind of like, what is he talking about? And then, um, he was reprimanding his son there, you know what I to reprimand his son. He got his son and they just walked out that they left right so, and I was just like, Wow, he really doesn't understand. And if he doesn't understand, how can he explain to his son how to be black

in America? Can't And the same dudes that walk into your college, you know, black dudes or whatever, like it's no, no, you did do something and I didn't do nothing. Being out there where they grow up, maybe a suburban area or whatever, it's like, bro, that's not how it works. And you gotta culture in them a little bit, school them in the locker room, and you see the ship and you do some some of those guys, there is a shift that you know, they get around more black

folk and they realized people. I've seen people come to that realization that have mixed kids or end up adopting and they and they have I have a cousin, um, he married a white woman. She already had kids, He already had kids, They had a child together. So she realizes that her first son, she has a compens to have a completely different conversation from the one that she

has with him. And that's I know. That's I know spoke to a lot of people, or particularly definite parents about those conversations because you're talking about birds and the bees and you're talking about not getting shot y'all the same age. What's the movie from American Son? You have to watch and listen, guys. You know, I was over thinking about if you do not watch American Son as

a black person in America, you are doing yourself. Not only is it a great movie, but the lesson I don't want to give away the lesson, but the lesson is very similar to the movie Widows. The movie Widows, the son was half black, half white, the father was black, the mom was The father was white, the mom was black. He has dropped a nice car, gets pulled over by the police and he's like, what am I being stopped for? And his father is a very rich, prominent white Man's

like what am I being stopped for? And the cop is just like, can I have your license and registration? He's like, what am I being stopped for? And the cop is like license registration. He reaches in the glove compartment without even thinking, and the cop pulls out the gun and about shoots him. And then I'm saying to myself, he probably was never taught by his dad how to

address But you can't teach what you don't know. And I don't blame or what you don't want to know because they don't want And and my thing is you can love who you want to love. I know what I love. I love what you want to love. But also build a village around your kids so that they can be successful, because if you have a white mother or father, there's certain things that black little girls go

through the white little girls don't go through. There's certain things that black boys go through that white boys don't go through it. So they have to be equipped absolutely what you gotta be. You got to Being blind to the experience is not fair to your offspring especially. But that's that's a good one. Guys, We got one more, number two. I am the type of woman who always wanted to be established before I found a man I

wanted to be with. I always thought I could not request a strong, intelligent, and financially independent partner unless I was all that for myself already. Kudos to you. I'm still young, but I don't want to lose myself or my dreams for a man. It scares me to date before I am stable in my career. But I'm watching you and cadein knowing you started your dating and relationship in college. Do you think you would lose yourselves in a relationship? Um? What's her name? Someone wants to UM.

I will say this, everybody's relationship experience is different. In life experience is different. I would never tell people to just follow what I've been through because it worked for me, because everything doesn't work for people. What I'll say is, I wouldn't refrain from dating people while trying to build because you may stumble among someone who has the same moral code and the same building aspect of life as you. But I wouldn't sacrifice yourself just to be in a

relationship if that person isn't on the same page as you. Right, what do you guys think? I agree with that. I think that you can only lose yourself when you don't know who yourself is. Right, Yeah, there you go. It sounds like you know you're working towards something. You've gotta mind, strong mindset. You're good. Well that was that was good. That was easy. Man, We get some guys. I'm gonna have y'all back on here. We gotta do this man episode.

And the funny thing is I was getting a lot of inquiries from guys saying, like, you should do a guy's podcast. And the funny thing is I got a lot of inquiries from women who was saying they would like to hear more of the Maile. It's just like people just trying to understand each other. That's it. That's it. Checked this out. If you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, email us at dead Ass Advice at gmail dot calm. That's dead ass Advice at

gmail dot com. So, guys, this part, it's called the moment of Truth. That's where we go around the table and we figure out what the moment of truth is. For this episode, we'll start with my UM. I think that the most valuable lesson, UM is understanding how marriage from you know to married men is more about when you when you're learning that you want to be married, It's more about establishing something more long game than what

is stimulating at the inception. UM. I think that's that The biggest takeaway for me is just understanding that as I leave this room today and I text whoever, talk to whoever, I want to make sure that if I'm giving him my time, it's somebody who I can sit next to at my mother's funeral, you know, or you know, start a legacy of a family together that well I'll leave behind for generations and generations. Just those kind of words for me are um outful, and I've gathered that

so I learned life from the Mary guys today. Yeah, for me, it's just an understanding of oneself, um that we're all on our own path. And I really just hearing your guy's story about how you found you know, your your partner, your partner, your your wife. UM really allowed me to sit there and be like, Okay, well that was just their journey, you know, I mean, and there are similar things that they went through that I'm

going through and it's okay. So for guys out there, it is okay to be, you know, with yourself on your own journey and then it's gonna work out. You're gonna find your one. And I hope, you know, I actually hope one day that that happens for your boy, sooner than later. Cheeto, God damn it. Years over market allowed to cheat those point. Um. Yeah, realizing because like I'm from Kentucky, small tent was not that small, but

smaller compared to l A or whatever. And realizing, you know, that single journey in this day and age, because before it's easy for it. Marry guys look that it's like they're silly. However, everybody does have a different path, everybody does have a different experience. And realizing that. That's something that I learned is a lot of people, like you said you came from you know, you always had to share everything and you need that time to where I had that time, But I had it at a much

earlier age. Um, And that's something I just took from. It's like, you know, just yeah, you was caking early, bro buying houses and cars two years after. But I made it makes sense you live that you live at that so that's that's your reality, which makes sense why you got married so early. For me, what I learned today is I learned a lot from from all of you guys. Um. First thing I learned, well, I I gathered from all of this what Brian said was very key.

Understanding your culture. Understanding your history will better equip you to find someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with, because there are a lot of things that black women, men and women have gone through in this country that make us who we are. And until you understand that, you really cannot find this is the person is going to spend the rest of your

life with. From Cheetah, I've learned that it's okay to be where you are in your life as long as you're transparent with the people you're dating, you can be who you are, You can have fun. You can go out there and date as long as you let them know why you're dating and be open that if they're not open to it, they may walk away. And that's cool, especially for black men and women in this country. And from markets, I learned that we have a lot in common.

But I did also learn that if my kids are not smart enough to go to college, I'm sending they asked to trade school so they can stop making money because I'm not gonna spend hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to send them to a university and basement. Yeah. People, they got all these degrees. It's like you can't eat that paper. I was poor until August and I went to grab fucking school. Y'all. Y'all are freaking amazing. I appreciate y'all. We gotta do this again. Be sure for

everyone else. Make sure shout out your handles so everyone know where to follow you at. Brian Jordan Jr. That's b R, I A N j or d A and j R. All My social media handles are yam, cheeto, y E A, underscore, I am c h I d O chee doe. I am at Marcus ain on the Graham and at marcusing on the book because Marcus don't be on the ground board. But if you want to follow him checking my very smart brother. All these are my brothers. I appreciate you all. I love y'all. Listen,

be sure to follow us on social media. That's I Am de vo, I A M D E V A L E. And Kaden I Am is not here, but follow her as well, and subscribe to dead Ass on Stitcher, Spotify or Apple podcast And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate and review. That's dead Ass, y'all. Dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. We are produced by Jackie Sogico and Dinor Pinion Allright. Executive producer t Square.

Our associate producers are Triple and Kristin Torres. Alright. You Content officer is Chris Bannon, our studio engineer and original music is by Brendan Burns and last but not least, we are mixed by Andy Kristen's We'll Back. I'm Drew McGarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going on right now. It's part of the stitchen netwere called Substraction that's available everywhere. Get the podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple Go. Listen right now to the Distraction, right now,

it's out. Do it please,