Live from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air Mansion!

I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. When we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts on the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take Phillow Talk to a

whole new levels starts now. So first and foremost, let's just talk about where we are live live for season four. We're here and there, the fresh Prince of bel Air mansioncast whole entire childhood. Like I'm getting my whole life right here, right now. It's insane. It's very inane, very nostalgic. Is you just feel good seeing all the memorabilia pictures around here? Um, I just can't. I can't even believe it. When I pulled up, I was like, I'm like, for us,

it's Brooklyn, New York. You know, it makes sense, though it doesn't make sense, but it also makes sense that we typically do karaoke. So we decided to begin season four for karaoke. We're gonna have a moment of silence for all of the lives lost during the pandemic, racism, and just life in general. So we're gonna take this time have a quick moment of silence. Thank you so Um that brings me the story time stories Time. We got mad stories. Yes, we got stories for Quarantine for

story time because lord, um, it's funny. I had some I had some funny stories, you know, I had some some serious stories, and I decided to go with the story that kind of encompasses what's been going on for the entire year. And it was early early in the year. Um, the pandemic had really hit hard. Um, there were no sports on TV because everything was just out of the ordinary. We were watching CNN every like every second of the day because we were trying to figure out what was

going to happen with COVID nineteen. And also at the same time, Almond Aubrey had, you know, his murder case had started to pick up steam. And then it was Brianna Taylor, and then it was George Floyd. And I remember Jackson came over to me and he said, um, like straight face, he said that why do they keep killing us? And I looked at him, and I had realized that this was going to be the moment where I have to have to talk with him about being

black in America. And I'll never I'll never forget the day because it was two days before my birthday and from now one, that's all I'm always gonna remember. March thirty one. That's the day that I had to tell Jackson what it was like to be black in America. So, I mean, when you think about parenting during the pandemic,

there were many layers to it. When I really like sit back and look at where we were at the end of march Um School was no longer in session, and we had the coronavirus pandemic, we had the racism pandemic, and so many things going on. So there were many layers to what it meant to be a parent now because a lot of parents who are were either working all the time and away from home. They were not

home with their children, children weren't at school. So, going back to your story time us having to unpack that time with Jackson, how did it affect you as a black man in America? And I asked that because I know how it affected me as your wife, Me as a black woman, um, me as a mom to three boys, you know, three whole boys, which I joke about a lot,

but I know how I felt about it. So I could see the hurt in you, not just for Jackson and for our sons, but for yourself because you've experienced many different you know, times where you felt like you were treated unjustly. You know. Well, I mean for me, it was unpacking a lot of things, but also red acknowizing that we were in an uncharted territory when it comes to the world. At this point in the year, Jackson had already lost two of the people that he idolized.

Kobe Bryant had died, and then weeks later Pop Smoke had died, so you know, I was already dealing with death with him because you know, he was just like, you know, he's just like yo, like what is going on? And then armand Aubrey's murder was on television, and Jackson's at the point now where he can google anything, so it's on YouTube. And then the Brianna Taylor story came up, and then George Floyd. So for me, it was like, Okay,

how do I compartmentalized because I'm angry. I'm like, I'm pissed. I'm just angry, so I want to My first response is to project that anger onto my child and be like, don't do this, don't do that. You gotta be worried about this. White people, this, white people that, the police, this, the police that. But then I said, you know what, now is the time to educate because if I don't educate him properly, he's gonna harbor the same anger that

I harbored from the time I was young. You know, my parents grew up, we grew up in in Brooklyn, and we grew up during the time and stopping frisking, and my mom was very adamant about teaching my brother and I at the time, and then my sister she got older, what it was like to be black because she was the first class to to in segregation in Brooklyn and go to James Madison High School. She was the first class in the early seventies, so she that's

very likely. She's very passionate about that. But even through that passion, there were certain things that my mom didn't explain to me because as you you know, as you learn more and you learn better, you do better. So I grew up a little angry, you know, a lot of angry. I'm not gonna up. I grew up a lot of angry and I just want I chose in that moment to not put that anger on my son. So we started to talk about history, and you know,

Aiden was staying at the house at the time. And the sad part was there was no like, there's no distraction. If sports was on, if there was something on TV that they could watch, I could be like, oh, we'll talk about it later, go watch this, or even after having that conversation, there was a way to rebound. It was just the thickness, their thickness in the house, the atmosphere that was just you could cut it with a knife.

It's like, how do you rebound from that? It's like, Okay, let's go back outside and play, and I was like, well, I don't know if I really want to play right now. No, it felt like groundhog Day because we watched CNN every single day and they weren't in school, and then you know, there wasn't much for them to do except go outside. Plus we had to be away from people. So I was his refuge. You was his refuge. So any question he had or anything, so he came running to us.

And I can understand how parents at times become overwhelmed because I'm still trying to deal with the trauma of watching that on TV. You know, I still got to deal with the fact that we don't know where our next paycheck was going to come. Because I remember in the beginning of March we had our lowest number of income and that we have had in about two years. Because all of the brand partnerships had stopped. We couldn't do the live podcast tour. Oh yeah, we had a

lot of things going on. Our vironyl got canceled. But those of you who were, you know, we had a whole seasons last season that we dedicated to us. We're doing our vows, and we were hoping to open season four with all that, you know, great news and footage and whatnot, and then everything just came to a home. So I was frustrated, and I had to figure out how I was going to remove that frustration to educate him, and I leaned on you a lot. We talked about this.

You know, um as as a black man, there's not many places that you feel like a king when you're in America because you're always considered the worst case. You know, you always consider when you step out your house, you consider the worst case scenario. If I come across the police officer, I gotta worry about this, you know, if I go into this store and people start following me, I have to worry about this happening. It's not until you come home that you feel that sense of relief.

You know. Dealing with corporate America is the same thing, Like I can't be too black because if I'm too black, then they're gonna be like, oh, he's the angry black guy. But if I'm not black enough. All my black counterparts

are going to be like, oh, he's a sellout. So all of that stress is relieved when I come home and have my queen, my wife, you know, And that that brings me to ask you, how did you deal with the fact that you had to deal with all of your kids, your boys trying to figure out where they stood in the world, and then your husband, who was just like I was. You knew you. You could see it on my phrase. I was over. I hadn't. I didn't post in like four or five days. I

didn't post anything funny. How did you deal with that? For me, it was unpacking several different layers of being Cadeine, being wife, being mom um, and I was struggling with finding out where was I going to fall in this whole ecosystem of change, right because we felt like, also you and I collectively and both individually, that we had it was a responsibility that we had with the platforms that we've built to be able to speak on or

address certain topics that were happening at the time. And for me, I felt like it would be tone deaf of me to just continue to produce content that was avoiding what was happening, you know. So I was struggling with that because emotionally I was a wreck. All I could think about was the time we were in the uprising that was a happening, and having to raise three black young men in this world of uncertainty, feeling deep down like there was a hopelessness that the change wouldn't

even come for their generation. We didn't know what this change was gonna happen. And then just watching how angry you were and how hurt you were, and you feeling like man, And I know, I thought, I thought to myself. You know, I was praying one night to God and I was like, what did you see in me to make it fit for me to have three boys that I was raising, you know? And the strength that I felt like, you know you have as a mom, you

have a certain level of strength. I'm like, god' us a knew better with me because apparently I have some strength that I don't know about, because the way I love my children and I love my husband. At that point, I said, you know what, I may have to disconnect

a bit from social media. I remember reaching out to our manager and saying, you know what, I may just need to breathe for a second, because there's no way that I was going to be able to you know, there's one thing to to be involved in social media and be socially active, but then to just repost memes and repost what you see. To me, I'm like, where am I actually going to evoke change? And to me, it was more important to find out where was the change gonna lie for me? Um, how is I gonna

you know, fall in that ecosystem? And then who did I want to affect directly? So I felt like, with my hands tied with the coronavirus being you know, bound into our home, the only place that I could really evoke change that mattered to me was in my household. And it was with you, is with the boys, It was with my parents, like we were literally taking that time to now, you know, love on each other, the love that we may not feel on a day to

day basis from from you know, the outside world. I felt like it was my duty as wife and mom and daughter in that circumstance to create a space for everyone in our household where there was a level of comfort and you know, you can be emotionally vulnerable if you needed to be like that was my role. I mean comfort food. Let me tell you all the baker that I have you, you was making food every night. I was cooking. I'm a whole last page. Made an

apple turnover. I never forget made an apple turnover. I just decide you wanna make an apple turn over. I made an apple turnover. Now I'm turning over over my my joggers. Don't Jacob thinks I'm trying to make sure I'm intact for y'all on camera. Intact for me that when the nights you was my apple turnal, stress relief happening in the house. Um, but it really forced me

to really evaluate what mattered most to me. Later on in this season, I'm gonna talk about just purpose and how that shifted for me and me really wondering why why am I here? Who am I here for? What am I here for? It really gave me a chance to just like decompress and then refocus on the things

that really mattered. And I think when we pull away all the distractions that we've had, like you said, you know, sports wasn't on for you to just say I'll talk about it later, It's like, oh, you gotta run here there and everywhere. Being in the house together, it really just forced me to take a look at Codeine, the person, the career woman, the wife, the mother, the daughter, the sister, the friend. Everything. Here's the thing now that we've unpacked,

how you felt, how I felt? How did we parent? Well? How are we parenting during the pandemic? All right? So there's some funny stories in here, all right that I got. Number One, prior to the pandemic, Coin has been a germophobe, all right, and y'all are seeing me on Instagram make fun of her. We used to get on the plane and she used to bring out a light soul white and wipe down every seat. She used to put the

mask on. She used to spray the aerosol can in from early so I used to be disinfecting and it was funny because everything you have done, taking your shoes off before you come in the house, wiping things down, washing your hands, it was almost like normal. So I remember Jackson saying saying to me, once again, it's like, why people so mad? They got to be clean? So what were people doing before? And I was just like, yes, yes they were. So as far as the pandemic was concerned,

well that that pandemic that was normal to us. You know, it was a little bit different because the kids had to be in the house. And I think we're our families a little bit different because you and I work from home a lot. We did travel a lot prior to so they were months where we'll be gone, you know, a month here, a month there. We wouldn't see the kids for weeks at a time, so we got time

to miss them. They got time to miss us. But for the first time, all five of us and your mom and then your dad came to live with us. So I had the whole jealous, the whole Joseph Clan in the House of God. I have Mimi and Papa living in the house with us, and I have realized that when you miss, when you have time to miss people, you can put up with some of their little quirks because we all got our little we all got a

little quotes make them who they are. People aren't always gonna be feeling you when you get into your and whatnot. So when we're talking about parenting, we can talk about parents and our parents because we pretty much became parents to your parents and our kids. So we have five kids in the house, and all the stuff that you think is funny and cute that somebody does when you get a chance to meet miss them ain't funny no more.

And it's like the boys would be bickering, and then my parents they start bickering just because they've been married for thirty or six years and that's what married people do. And I'm just like, yo, what is going on here? At times, the vell and I just felt like we had to hide, like just just just like hide, and we're just like, you know what, guys, we're gonna need to take like an hour or two run off and do our own thing for a little bit, you know, safely in the car and in the car. But you

know what I did learn. I learned how to give not only your parents grace, but the kids grace. Because a lot of times parents don't give their kids grace. It's do what I say and do it right now, or it's a problem, and we don't realize that the kids are going through the same emotional struggles that we're

going through. And this is the first time ever in our life that I had to sit back and say, you know what, Jackson may say something that maybe a little off the cuff or like out of his character, and I'm not gonna snap, you know what I'm saying, because I had to realize, Like I realized that Jackson had been with us for now, it was about three or four months in a row, didn't have any outlets, couldn't see his friends, couldn't his friends come to his teacher,

all of them. So he would say stuff sometimes like I remember he snapped on your mom one time your mother had your mother was saying something to him and he was like enough. I was like, didn't real quick see, because that's why she as a dad, because we don't but that. But that's what you realize during the pandemic, that people have their triggers and kids are allowed to express themselves. Now you don't allow for disrespect. Of course, I pull on my side and I was like, why,

why why are you talking to you? Meet me like that and allowed him to explain what he was feeling, what he was going through, and and that's when I realized that he has the same frustrations and the same way we snap on kids sometimes. And afterwards got to apologize kids. Kids gonna snap, especially if you have intelligent kids who you encourage them and empowered them to use their voice. Sometimes they're gonna say stuff. And during the pandemic,

I learned to give my kids. Yeah, if that's one thing that we do is encourage our boys to to speak up, UM, to speak up not only for themselves, but to help speak up for others. Which is why it was also important for us to discuss with them what was happening in the current climate, because we want them to be advocates for people as well, you know,

those who don't have the voice to be UM. And you know, with saying home orders, keeping parents home from work, kids home from school, the role of parents really shifted from not just parents to teacher. You're like a joke about being the lunch lady. UM devours the physical education teacher. Um, we're an all day playmate sometimes depending on the child. We were potty training cats in the process that it

takes a lot of work and a lot of patients. UM. But the pandemic I think also presented an opportunity for us to connect deeper with the children, really learn each child. You know, we have three children. You and I are the same exact person. I mean, depending on the day, UM, let's be clear. And then I think about our kids, how they had their own little ism, then their own

individual things that make them taken a little personality. So I particularly enjoy the time that I had to just really learn more about who our children are because we think about it. They get up in the morning, Jackson goes to school. Kyra would have been going to school full days, and they're literally gone from like eight am to maybe three pm, and then there's a short window of time where it's like homework, and then there's you know, dinner,

and then they're in bed again. So now we really have like an all day to learn them and to grow with them. And it was interesting when you were doing work with Jackson his Mathworkum explain how that really made you realize how his mind worked and how you realize there was a deficit that you had as a dad. Well, you know how typically you come with the stats, right facts, but you got you find out devoted research. Well actually the research, but I have them, so I'm going to

present them. Let her effects in her time. I won't check this out. According to research, about sixty four million Americans are living with children the eighteen and since the coronavirus pandemic began in March. Over sixtent of public schools have been canceled uh in in class in person classes, which we all knew, right not check this out. Eight out of ten millennial parents agree that their child is one of their best friends. When we were growing up,

that was not the case. Think about that. I don't think. No, there's not been the case never, And that's because of the way we parents, you know, we we even hashtag millennial parenting is different. And this is another reason why seventy of millennial parents involved their children and household decisions were significantly higher than Gen X parents. So there's a reason why. Also, dads are more likely than moms to

use YouTube to connect with their children. Now checking out, checking now, And there's a reason why I gave you all those stats. Okay, as a parent, now you resort back to how you were parents to make sure you're parenting the right way, right, But study show the right way, the right way what we talked, but study show and what we realized is that we don't parents, and we don't see our children the same way our parents saw us.

So there were times during the pandemic where I tried to resort back to what my parents did because things were so different, you know how you go back to what's natural, and it wasn't working. And then I started to feel like I was failing as a parent. And that brings us to the homework Jackson. Jackson started doing the third grade math and he and I are sitting down and we were going over Pythagorean theorem, which is

extremely advanced to third grade. So we're going over area, We're going over perimeter and stuff with that nature, and I'm used to him just picking things up, not realizing that he hasn't been in school to be taught this stuff. They're just sending home the work. So we go over the area and I'm like, what's area and he's just like length times with I'm like boom. So I'm like, what's perimeter and he's just like lanes plus with plus length plus with I'm like, or it's two times length

plus worth. He's like, I got it right? So did he do the problems? All of them are wrong? So I'm like like, like, we went over this, like what is area length times with? What's perimeter? Two times length plus with? Okay, do the problems get some wrong. So now I'm screaming and I'm using the same type of force that my mom and dad used with me in homework. And I'm just like, get it right there, you short short with homework, super short. And the thing is I

don't I don't hit Jackson. You know I usually get popped. Right, So Jackson was push ups. We're at about two seventy five pushers at this point. Jackson can't do no more push up. This like behind closed doors, I don't be witnessing this. I'm probably running around with trying to them. As a father, you're not gonna understand. I'm not going to understand. Even though I'm a father, I can admit that I sucked up. Place up. I sucked up. So after about two and the seventi five push ups, Jackson's

arms damned about to fall off, right. I'm like, yo, what's the problem, and he was just like, I'm nervous. I'm like, what are you nervous? He said, I'm nervous to get the wrong answer because I don't want to upset you. Well, it's too late. But but then I'm thinking to myself and I'm like like, wow, I didn't even give him the latitude to try to figure out the problem. I just automatically got upset because he did it wrong. And I realized that that was a response

that typically I got from my parents. But also I was going to school at the time, so I should have been in school paying attention. He wasn't even in school. So then I had to kind of check myself and realize that, you know what, I'm not just a dad in this moment. I'm a teacher, and teachers can't give kids push ups and spas on them for not doing homework properly. So I was like, you know what, it's

time to recalibrate. It's time to use YouTube. So I started to use videos in different things that he could uh associate with the things that he felt comfortable with, And we use YouTube videos to figure out math problems

and make it fun. And I realized that I have to come down to his level sometimes as a parent and the pet and meet him and not expect him to be where I am, because the way this guy, this this little boy now rolls out basketball stats doing math in his head now, and I'm just like, wow, he's actually starting to get that. Well. I also got him a tutor, because I did understand that you also know what we can and can what I can't do.

And also shout out to all of the educators, the teachers out there, because we as a community of people took you for granted. Oh, I'm actually just a teacher. He's just a teacher. No, let me explain something to you. Trying to teach to thirty kids Protagorean theorem in third grade. His mother fucking heart because I had one kid to teach and I failed horribly. So respect to all of the teachers for the jobs that you're doing so many children.

They all learned differently, different approaches. Is like, how is anything traditional when it comes to teaching methods? Insane? I don't know how they do it. It's insane. So yeah, that that was That was the interesting story. Because also too, I think you felt like you weren't as involved prior to this with his homework and stuff me as well, you know, because but and Jackson is very responsible and that he's just like I got it, Like I'm good,

I got you know. I think we took for granted with especially with us traveling and being busy with work and whatnot, we took for granted the fact that, yo, he's still just nine years old, like he still needs to be chapped on and looked after and all that good stuff, you know. But he's just such a nurturing, responsible kid that I think we sometimes take for granted that you just need some help. I've seen you have

some troubles with the two little ones. You know, we kind of we kind of delegate responsibility, right, you know, so when they're over five, I got him that I think on a limited basis, at least he admits it. He admits it. Did we get that on camera? That devol it's part time when it comes to Cairo. And you said that I'm too harsh. You said I was too harsh on Jackson. So I'm I'm gonna wait till they get to the level where I can be harsh with them. So I engage with them in ways that

I can engage with them. But you know, at this point, at three and two, they want mommy. So I'm like, that's true, Go to mommy, Go to Mimi. Do you know, do what you gotta do from the daddy when you want. I mean, we did have some like little moments and like little milestones that happened during the pandemic with with the kids like Cairo, all of a sudden we realize it's like this beast athlete three years old, almost four,

you know, wanting to work out. And I love that they were able to bond our boys like Jackson being five years older than Cairo. I was always about them not being um, you know, really tight because of the age difference. But literally the two of them particularly have been like this. I mean, Cairo wanting to mimic every single thing that Jackson does. Jackson sometimes being like, oh my god, here he goes again. But I'm like, yo, that's the responsibility of the older, the oldest. I'm the oldest.

We've had the younger siblings that are hagging along all the time. So um, you know, cass potty train now, y'all. For the most part, he got that number one, number two was touching go. Number two was touching goal. But hey, praise be to God that there is some progress on any other moments that you can pick out during quarantine that you really felt like, it's like a heartwarming time

for me with these boys. No, I mean, in totality, it was just like realizing that as much as you think you're involved when there's so much distractions going on in the world. And one thing I will say about everybody was saying twenties my years to give clear vision. It cleared up a lot of stuff for me as far as being a father because for the first time in my life, I had nothing else to do but

be a father. And you realize, if if you're the type of person and I got this from being an athlete, is that um the eye and this guy don't lie. You know, you always have to reflect on what you've done and own up to what's wrong and what's right. When you have no other distractions because there's no work, you can't go outside. All you have to focus on

is your children. It will show you, as a parent how much you're not doing and how much you could be impeding the progress of your children by your actions. And that is what the pandemic has showed me, and and also showed me how intuitive our children are, because there were times where you know, Jackson walks over and he'll just be like, Mom, you're good. You know. It brings me to tears every single time. Was I was like, you're really caring about me, Like there's there's this little

person that actually cares about me. Yeah, yeah, it's dope. I mean, I've come across thanks to triple uh ten Facts to strengthen parents child relationship. All right, so let's see, let's see how good we are here. Let's see if we can give ourselves like checks or whatever. So Number one aim for twelve hugs or physical connections every day.

Physical therapists Virginia. Well, according to Virginia, she famously said, we need four hugs a day for survival, we need a eat hugs a day for maintenance, and we need twelve hugs a day for growth. I see our audience in the back, they're shaking their head. Is that true? That's mad hugs. That's about thirty six physical interactions for

us per day. What if your children, Because we talked about teaching our children how to say no, Kas, for example, I found out it's not a guy who enjoys physical touch, you know, Cas, come give me a hug, and I want him to be okay saying no. Because we want to teach them about personal boundaries and that you have

autonomy over your boundary over yourself. You know. Long gone is the whole give Auntie a hug, give uncle hug, sit on this one's lap, because that creates generational trauma where they feel like adults have access to them physically.

So if my kids don't want twelve hugs, have different ways of interacting, like, you know, like give me two, so they'll give you like the punch punch Like that's the way of engaging I think physically with them where they're just like okay, I mean, if they can punching me in the stomach to hugs, then we cool. Because my mom my kids don't punching me in the stomach. That's that's our thing that's jumping all over you, you know, So that's good. I would say that that's pretty pretty fair. Followed,

I'll grab them and kiss them. I don't care. You came out of my whole body you and you are in my whole entire body for a good nine to ten months. Okay, so don't act like you don't know where you came from. Bro alright. Play Laughter and rough housing keeps you connected with your child by stimulating endorphins and oxytocin in both of you. Making laughter a daily Habit also gives the child a chance to laugh out the anxieties and upsets that otherwise make them feel disconnected

and more likely to act out. So you already know that I'll do that since we have boys. It's a thing, and this is the thing that I created during the pandemic where I call him over like a stern dad voice. Jackson, cayro Kaz come in and they walk over and I say, did I tell you I love you today? And they ways smile and they go no, And then I give him a hug, I kiss him on the forehead, I pick them up, and then I punch him in the

stoma again. I tell him get away from me. That that's the thing that that's the thing that I stand back in the cut and be like, but that's something that we developed. Yeah, it's super cute because sometimes during the pandemic, you forget to tell your kids. You see them all the time, and the days roll into each other, you forget to tell them that talk about the monotony, and before you know it, it's two or three four days, Like I didn't say anything but negative. The best part

is that I have adopted that philosophy as well. So there are many moments when I walk over to the l and I'm like, did you tell me that you love me today? You do that? And then you'd be like, now, I always say no, right exactly? Did I grab your booty today? Did you? Can you go to number three? Three? This is probably my favorite one, even though it sometimes seems virtually impossible because we're trying to juggle work and whatnot.

Turn off technology when you interact with your child. Cairo point blank told me one day, Mommy, get off your phone. I'm talking to you with the most stern well you know, Cairo's voice is a little deep four year old, and he were just like, Mommy, i'm talking to you. Turn off if you're not looking at me. And I'm like, I'm not looking at you for real. And I was like, okay,

I'll put my phone down. And I came down to his love it and I was like, yes, Cairo, because he was telling me a story or something of the sort, and I was just totally not engaged. It's almost impossible. Sometimes I feel like, what do you mean? But we've had this conversation, you know, We've got this conversation with you, like we'll be talking and this is Cadine's favorite thing to do. Uh huh, I'm listening to you because I

feel like a multitask. So I'm like, I'm listening with one air and I'm you know, replying to something and the other. It's just like, yeah, nobody wants to be multitask. I agree. I don't want to be multitask. The Lord's working. I know the kids don't want to be multitasks. Facts connect before transitions. So I guess creating this new normal for kids because we're all transitioning and pivoting into what is now the new normal for us. Would I hate

to say new normal. I feel it's like it's a new temporary Well, I do want to explain this next once. I think this one is important. It says make time for one on one time, do whatever you need to do to schedule fifteen minutes with each child separately every day. And I made a point of saying that, Okay, today is Mommy and Roe we day, just y'all too, Today is Mommy and CAD's day, Today's Daddy and Devout Daddy

and Jackson's day. We made a point to do that so each child feel like they have a bond with each parent individually, and they're just not the sum of a whole for sure, which is important. No, it's great. I like to be able to kind of rotate that too, because it's not just like Devlot with one child all the time, or me with the other all the time, or my mom or dad with one. But it was nice to rotate that and we have our own little like things. I feel like I'm developing like little things

with Jackson that are like our inside jokes. His sense of humor is so bombed. He and I there was something that my mom did, and my brother and my sister and I joke with my mom and dad all the time, like it just comes with the terr tory. So there's something that my mom did. And I started cracking up to myself, and I look over at Jackson and he's on the floor laughing the same thing. That's

what idiots. And I was like, oh my god, this is the moment when Jackson got the jow and then your mother goes now you have my grandkids making funny and y'all too laughing crying literally something so simple and stupid she did. She probably putting out something wrong. She probably said like, oh, get his birth surf for tickets, like a true Jamaican. I'm like, you mean birth certificate, mom, no deserve a ticket. I wouldn't stop laughing, could not

stop laughing. Um, And I'll just list off the other ten to I mean the other five, so that way we don't take up too much time going through. But um, welcome emotion, listen and empathize, slow down and savor the moment. I've been doing that lately, sucking it all up, um, bedtime snuggles, and she could have got you right there, but I'm gonna because I kept moving about listen, you set it up. I could have dunked it, but I

know could have. I would have. I totally would have handed it to you too, with the whole assist um, bedtime snuggles and chat and then show up. All right, So we're gonna take a quick break, um and get into some ads so that way we could move on to my favorite portion of the show, listener letters. She still knows, y'all, she still knows. Ye ain't much have changed. That's one constant from twenty for me. I still want to be known what's going on in your life? And yeah,

we're telling me. I mean, I'll be eveniling us and whatnot. So uh, stick around, We'll be right back. All right, guys, we're back for listener letters, Cadine's favorite part of the show. Yes, sir, and I'm gonna jump right into all right, go ahead and read for me. My husband and I both drive a lot for our jobs and listen in the car dead as sparks, great discussions over dinner when we're home. We've been married almost two years and we're entering the

when should we have kids conversation. We both want kids, but we are so happy as a couple right now. It's scary to know our lives will change so much. How did you know when the time was right? Yay? Thank you for for listening first off, and to know that we're sparking conversations, the conversations. Thanks what this was about.

This is not just therapy for us, but what we're hoping is that it will continue to, you know, encourage people to engage in conversations with their significant other, friends, family, all that good stuff. So happy to hear that. Thank you so much. Sis Um. What I'm also gathering from this statement here or this paragraph is that you both want kids, but you're happy right now and you know

that things will change so much. I think that's one thing we've made clear that children should definitely change a lot of things. I think having to decipher when is the right time it's almost impossible in the sense, like there's certain practical things that you need to have in place, For example, do you have a roof over your head? Are you making money? You know, there's certain things that you know you need to have when you are preparing

to start a family. But if you're debating on that actual right time, it feels like you're never really ready to dive in, you know what I mean. It's almost like that double Dutch rope when you're like, you know, you know, and I'm staying out there forever, like, oh, here's the rope, here's do I jump in? And can you still jump? Can you still jump double Dutch? I wonder if I can't. I haven't done that in years.

I would love to see you jumped. I would love to take it back with my with my hair, and then you go in and then you pop up, pop up, took me back? It would be let me you know what, give us such a creepy But anyway, um that being said, yeah, it's kind of like this, like trying to get in the rope. But once you get in, as long as nobody's double handed, you will be able to start jumping and catch your rhythm and then you go. You know what I mean. Like, that's my analogy when it comes

to parenting. You know, there's never really the right time, but it's like you step up to the plate. You're ready to jump in because you know you have you're equipped to do it, you know what I mean. You're wearing the right sneak as your laces the tide tight, and then you can just jump right in. So I say, you know what, you guys are happy as a couple. That's an amazing thing. And I think you can work

on being happy as individuals as well. So then when you become parents, you can be great parents individually as well. You can share that happiness that you have for each

other with your children. Because there's nothing better for me than having a child with my husband, knowing how much I love him, how much I knew that he was going to be an amazing father, Like those were all things that encouraged me to be like, you know what, I'm about to popping on this honeymoon, and we were fortunate and blessed enough to get pregnant on the first

t Yeah, I just I just think that. Um, when you're happy with your significant other, take the time to get to know them, take the time to do some of the things on your bucket list together first, because once you do have children, things definitely change. So um the fact that you're planning knock some things off your bucket list. Enjoy each other, make the decision, and then move forward. Because there is no wrong decision in life. There's no wrong decision. Like life is yours, your canvas.

You make of it what you want to make of it. So there is no right time, there's no wrong time. You just make the best out of the time you have. And children are always a blessing. So enjoy each other and then make that decision. And I promise you, once you do have a child, you will almost not even recognize or be able to remember what life was like without them. You know what I mean. No, I can't

remember what life was like without them. I can remember, I remember that That's not like this is this is important because men and women have different mentalities when it comes to having kids. It is different, And this is the truth. Okay, once the kids come, Mom's sole purpose is the kids. So do understand this. Once these kids come, you don't mad no more. All right, old on, let

me finish my let me finish my thought ahead. As a man, when you ask a woman to marry you and to bear your children, you have to understand that made that choice. I was talking about this yesterday. You made that choice that this woman is going to have your children. She is going to put those children first, and you are always going to be second to the children. That's what you decided. So at that point you can't then be like, I'm tired of being behind the kids.

So understand that once you make that choice, that's what it's going to be. And don't don't have children until you're ready to accept that. I was not prepared for that and wasn't aware of that, and it wasn't until I got older and I'm married and I realized what it was and I had to own up the fact that, you know what, I asked you to marry me, and I wanted to have I wanted her to have children.

If she's not putting the children first, and I'm not putting the children first because I put k first, as a man, my sole responsibility is my wife, and I just feel like her responsibility to kids for me, it's her her as the kids. If she's focused on me and I'm focused on her, who's focused on the kids. So that's just the reality of it. Like that is true.

That is true. And women, you know, being the vessel of life, we have a different, completely different action and bond with each child having gone through pregnancy, even women who are going through unconventional ways of getting pregnant. Still there's that maternal instinct that kicks in. Whether you have a child via surrogate, there's a maternal instinct that kicks in, wants you know that you were mothering a child, so

naturally a lot of focus goes to that baby. But then you have to also realize that this baby alone, this baby was made through love, which I would hope, and that you all also have to you know, give daddy some time to you know, app that make I'm still working on it, you know, it's a work in progress from both from botha to give that some time.

I had to learn to respect the fact that the kids are going to have to be first, so also understand and give each other grace as you're going through this process of life and changing because you're not going to have all the answers to understand it. So if your wife is upset about something, understand that she she has validity and being upset. If you're upset, give yourself grace and say, you know what, I've feel like this? Why do I you know? Why do I feel like this?

But understand that you're entitled to feel that way. But work your way through the very good point. Alright, girl, I hope that helps. Al right, And we have one more listener letter for this episode today. Hey, Devalin Cadeene, I need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for a little over a year. We're both twenty eight years old. I've struggled for some time on whether or not this relationship is for me. I know, I know if you have to ask, it probably isn't.

What's not that simple? At least you know? Says you put that in there. Um. I don't have any kids, but he has three kids seven, seven, and five. I'm assuming twins. Um. Sometimes I feel like it's oh no, he ain't say twins. And I was trying to give broad a benefit of the doubt, but it could be reading between the lines here. She says she's not sure if this relationship is going to work some things. Is there you jumping through the store? You jump in through

the story here? Sometimes I feel like it holds me back from what I want to do in life. I'm young, I'm a registered nurse Okay is currently working on my m s n to be a nurse practitioner. Okay sis I feel like I'm successful for my age. I want to travel and take trips and live my best life. It's hard for him to keep up with me because of the kids. I understand that he's a father and that's his priority, but I worked hard to get where I am. I don't want to waste my years away.

What makes it harder is his kids love me. If I leave, I feel like I'm hurting them too. They get over it. Do you ain't a mama? It messed up? You set all this up to say you got all this going for yourself. You this you that you you are all that you want to live your best life? Do you really want to be a mother to three kids that are not yours, that could be twins or not twins who you are right now. Listen, these kids nowadays are resili they are built differently, they are a

different breed. They will be all right, and you're not their mother. So parting gift, buy them a parting gift Amazon, got mad deal, sis. I can send you links. You can even borrow my Prime account. Send them some parting gifts on your merry way. Periods, periods, periods, all right? Is it my go? That's okay? Um um no, lady, listen, once you decide you're gonna deal with a man with kids, you made a responsibility to get in those kids lives.

You can't and then point just be like, you know what, peace, I'm out. If you didn't want to deal with the kids from the very beginning, you should have been like, now you've got kids, I ain't with it to play to play double dust like you said earlier, to play double dust with these kids emotions, it's straight messed up. That's jacked up. What if somebody did that to Jackson Cage cash? What if you and me go hold up, hello, I'll let you have imaginary circumstance. Let you have your time,

my time? Please? Can I have my time? Stop? Can't get my tongue. Are you done? Hypothetically? Right? Right? You die right, I'm just saying, let me get through my hypothetically because hypothetically, because hypothetically we can't get a divorce, because then you might let me get my story done. Hypothetically. You die, right, But you're still up there in the

esoteric sky and you can see what's going on. Right, I start dealing with a chick, right, she starts to be motherly to our children, right, and then out of nowhere because she want to go to Bali. She just decided she wanted to be up and gone. You're gonna haunt that lady. You're gonna go to her house in her sleep, and then you're gonna be like I'm gonna fly to Yes, Yes, that's what you're gonna do, dressed just like this, Yes, except exactly, and you're gonna drive

her crazy. I'll find somebody up and so would you want something exactly? So you would hunt her because she did that to our kids. But you're telling this lady to do that kids asked for. Introduce sing her to my children for a little overdone, you die, but still what you done? You got my mom, you got my sister, You got your mom, You've got people you can send the kids to when you want to go her in

Bali's sands. Don't be doing that with my kids and then putting them through no emotional I'm in trouble for hypothetical, y'all see what I'm saying. You know what, that's the end of list today because I'm not even trying. You're looking good and I'm trying to get some of that. If your best life you are and you are young, you were doing it just to be responsible. Responsible. If anything, me and her don't be agreeing on everything. I don't agree on that, so we can agree to do. I

give you my perspective, div gave you his perspective. Take a little bit, leave a lot, whatever you're gonna do, girl, But do you think after this? I don't know if y'all want to want to write in for listening letters, but if you'd like to be featured as one of our listener letters, be sure to email us at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com. That is that is D E A D A S S A D V I C E at G man. Got go. Here's my

moment of truth. It's very simple, It's very short while you're going through the pandemic with your children, give them grace, to give yourself grace. This is uncharted territory. Allow them to grow as people. You grow as a person, and have as much fun as possible because this will be over soon. We just got to get through it together, God willing, absolutely. And my moment of truth is that the days maybe long, but the years are short, and

when you really think about it, prone this one. I heard that somewhere that don't don't You could google that. I'm not trying to play replagiarize or whatnot. However, I'm just saying that I heard that somewhere, but I heard it before. But it's it's still be hitting, though it'll be hitting. The days are long, and talk about being in quarantine, it's like twenty four hours, like you said, perfectly ground talk day up in this bitch like all the time. You know what I mean. It's the same

and the same, the same. But when you really think about the grand scheme of things, the years fly by with these kids, So just try to make the best of the situation, try to like savor those moments. It goes so incredibly fast. When Jackson turned nine, He looked at me and said, Mommy, I just turned nine. You know that's like half of my life with you guys. In another half, I'm going to be eighteen and I'm going to be an adult. Oh are you like I literally no, he's not. Yes, he will, baby, y'all can

always come back home. Just so y'all know. No, you can't let me look right in the camera and say this. No you cannot. There's gonna come a point in your life where it's going to go back to before we had kids. Yo, do that? How are you? How are you gonna be sitting here in the bel Air mansion shout out to Airbnb one more time? How are you going to be sitting in here and talk about our kids never coming back home like their kids came back.

Hilary was almost all the way engaged that. Did you see how Uncle Phil looked every time he walked in his kitchen and the kids. Did you see it? He was pissed. He was like, I thought gave you at the poolhouse, I got you an apartment, and you're still here. It's gonna come a point. Well, i'mould just want my wife when they grown, I'm gonna want my wife looking just like this. All right, do what it do so moment. I appreciate your moment of truth. But y'all can't come

back home after college? Fine, fine, to be continued. Well, we'll discuss that in another nine years. Be sure to follow us on social media. Like we said now, we kicked off season four with an Instagram page because y'all have been asking for it, So dead asked the podcast and you can find me, Cadine, I am as usual on Instagram and all over and as I am devout and once again shout out to I Heart. We're now part of the Heart family, so much love to my heart.

You can find us here, And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review, and subscribe exactly. And let's kick off this new season with you telling a friend, tell somebody, engage some conversations. If you will catch up on the past episodes, listen to future ones,

be sure to listen wherever you listen. As Dead Asked, Baby dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the Podcast and never miss a Thing