Literally, Dying To Have A Baby

have our third and final baby at home. I was with you. I just didn't know that you wanted me to get in the water too. That's when things got a little crazy. Dead ads. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the ellis Is. You may know us were posting funny videos without boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. I make you need therapy most days. Wow. Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,

we all. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of the live's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about. Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. When we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts on the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. And we're about to take Phillow's talk

to a whole new level. Dead ass starts now. So there's nothing more nerve racking as a woman then finding out you're pregnant and then thinking about your body having to grow and nurture and sustain an entire human being for nine months. The first thing that came to mind after my first two experiences with Jackson and Cairo, is, you know what, I think I could do this joint

at home. Let me find someone who will be able to work with me, who will learn my body and allow me the opportunity to have my baby at home, because that way I can call the shots. I would be able to document our entire birth story, which was great as a vlogger, and I would be able to have a bunch of family around and being an environment where naturally I can bring this baby into the world the way the body is supposed to do it. And

everybody looked at me like I was crazy. With the exception of de Vel, I think he was the only person that said, you know what, baby, you could do it. Because after having the experience I had in the hospital with Jackson, which was a really traumatic experience being induced, and then having Cairo pretty much in the car almost on my own, I felt like, you know what, my body was made to do this, and as long as I do my due diligence and do my research and find a midwife who was able to help me on

this journey, it's all good. So yeah, having my baby and in being so much to me three times three times, there's nothing more frescous then to raise a family. Now that baby is born, healthy and strong, pool in my bedroom. Hey, our dreams reality. I love Joe to see, but you cannot sing with Joe to see. I can't cannot. My voice is not made to sing with Joe to see. Nobody nobody scared if I started to sound like Casey or Joe Joe, I would any of the other guys.

And there's certain people that you just cannot sing with, even in karaoke, even even me. No, you're right, I would never try to sing like Whitney. Like there's certain songs that just needs to be exempt from, like carry, because you can't compete now you can't. You just gonna damage these people's songs. But the words everything like a little horm But yes, that was that was it. I had your baby three whole times out, three whole times,

oh man, I mean pregnancy, labor, delivery, childbirth. Is funny because when I talked to my friends, even prior to having children, or even just talking to people who are thinking about having children, you always wonder like, when is the right time to do it? You know, you try

to prepare everything, and there is no right time. But there is nothing, for me, at least more nerve wracking than actually finding out you're pregnant and thinking like, oh my goodness, I don't want to do everything in my power to ensure that I'm doing my part to ensure that this baby grows healthily and I'm health healthily. Healthily? Is it? I think waking up words. I'm gonna have my own dictionary soon. You know, this is the urban

dictionary whatnot. I'm going to have a dictionary soon. But any who, Um, so today we're talking pregnancy, We're talking labor, We're we're talking delivery, we're talking self care, women's rights and all that good stuff. Why this is important to not only you as a woman, but me as your life partner, absolutely and the person that got you pregnant

three whole time, because it's a team effort. And it was important to me after our first situation with Jackson and you being induced and having a rush in the surgery, it became real to me that you can lose you know, your your wife on that table. So it became very very important to me. So and it's important as well to speak about the rate of women, particularly Black women, UM dying during childbirth, you know, through complications before, during,

or after. So it's very necessary conversation to have. And of course I had to bring in a special guest today who is literally become a part of our families, whether she likes it or not. This was not just going to be you know, a couple of months journey. Yeah, we didn't ask her if she wanted to be We're going crazy, you know. However, I'm not trying to keep her in business solely by myself, so I will prefer her. I am, I will refer her. But Takeia Allard is

in the house today with us, and she was my midwife. Um. She was a source of strength and knowledge for me as I went through the latter half of my pregnancy with kaz Um straight through labor, delivery, postpartum and still now we talk and yeah, we talked, you know. I told her, I said, you know, I need a dose of you every now and again. You know, I need

a dose of you. I kind of get jealous once in a while because I'm like, you know what, as much as you'll talk, I should just get you pregnant again, you know, if you want to be involved in the process, right, Yeah, that's the only way I can be. But I would say that Tia was also responsible for the insertion of my u D, so that's being said. Yeah, I don't know about all that. How are you? I am great? Oh my goodness, thank you guys, so happy. I'm excited.

It's just a pleasure to see you too. Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule and for insure worrying that no babies were going to be born with one so you wouldn't have to rush out of here. Absolutely, because at any time, these babies just be doing what they want to do, and they do and they don't care if the life wants to life about that whenever

they want. Takia reminds me of I grew up watching the Cosbys, and you know how Bill used to get the call in the middle of the episode how far part of the contraction. I remember when we were going through what we were timing, and we're like, I think we need to call the kids. It just reminded me of like you being on the other side of the phone asking how far part of the contraction? Absolutely, but it's it's insane how in tune you were with my body.

It was around Thanksgiving time I was due December. I knew that you probably I wasn't gonna last past thirty seven weeks because I've had all of my children within thirty seven weeks. And I remember Takia saying, enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner because this baby will probably not last through the weekend. And so said, so done. It was Sunday evening and my water broke at eleven PM. I was like, she just be no and nowhere. She just knew my

body to a t and that is such a gift. Um, So Takia, tell us or explain, um what is the midwife and why you decided to become one? So, Um, there's a lot of misconceptions out there about what midwives are. Midwives are women. Predominantly. There are male midwives, but predominantly women. Since the beginning of time, we've been existing, since there

have been people on this planet. Midwives have existed through all cultures, through all uh you know ages, women have been with women having babies, and so midwife means with women. And more recently midwives have been um sort of having to go through the natural or the the medical channels or the political channels in order to be licensed, you know, certified and things like that, in order to become a mid wife. Um. But prior to that, we were lay midwives.

So we were midwives that learned from our the midwife before us. A lot of times you saw that in the black community, uh, and during slavery times you saw midwives learning from other midwives and an apprentice style format.

And so because um, with the establishment of laws and the medical community, what ended up happening those midwives weren't uneducated, didn't really know how to read and write, and those midwives were sort of pushed out of this off to the side because they were told that they had to be licensed or pass certain examinations and things like that,

even if they knew exactly what to do. Now, can you talk a little bit about that, because Nadine and I always talk about the institution and how the institution

is created for the bottom line. It is so a lot of times, all of these laws and things they create, it's pretty much to make a bottom line so they can make money, can you Yeah, So, because midwives, especially in areas that were really remote from major hospitals and things like that, were predominantly served by community midwives, and so as hospitals were being established and built in those areas, what they decided to do was try to pull those

resources or those families, those patients who were going to the local midwife and pull them into the hospital. And so they made the hospital setting glamorous so that people like us, you know, would want to go to the hospital because it was the better care um right, right. So, so pregnancy and birth is big business. And if you know, UM, any hospital that does not have a labor and delivery ward,

they're usually on the lower end of capital um. And so the labor and delivery areas are the moneymakers for those hospitals. So if they are pushing out a lot of babies. That hospital is a big time hospital in that particular community. And so what was happening is that those midwives were then being told that you had to be licensed or you had to go through certain criteria in order to be you know, licensed by the state.

And if you practice midwif free, now you're you know, you're going against the law and you could be arrested. Um And I think, I think again and think about that, and think about everything that's going on now in the country with abortion laws. You just said, childbirth is one of the biggest businesses in the country. So if you eliminate the ability to have abortion just increased you just the bottom line ahead. Yeah. So and so that's what

was happening. And midwives, We're losing their jobs, they were losing their ability to practice, and women were now seeking hospitals because they were told that it was better to have your care there. Yeah, it seem as if mid were free was some sort of antiquated right from uneducated women. So just because that woman did not know how to read and write, per se, did not mean that that woman wasn't an absolutely grand midwife. But isn't that always

how America does things? First you dehumanize the then you criminalize it, right, and once you criminalize that, you are able to believe that it's against the law to do that. So now I have to spend money. That's pretty much the American American And what we want to be careful to do is not to take away from doctors who do go to school, you know, to their formal education,

because of course they're that's necessary, that's necessary. But today we particularly want to speak about mid with free and the options that women do have that UM And it's funny we also mentioned, you know, the processes that take place, because how do you get paid as a midwife? Do insurance companies recognize you as you know, someone who's delivering

a baby and pay you accordingly? And I know you've had to jump through hoops, even just through hoops every day just to just to get your fears, you know, So talk a little bit about maybe even obstacles now that you know you you are a midwife and you're you're having to UM get certain certifications and certain guidelines that have to be you know, you have to ensure that you have How does that now, how do you

have to continue to fight? So one of the biggest reasons why I'm jumping through hoops and most midwife's like me or jumping through hoops is because we're not seen as equal um practitioners UM. Most people would would classify us as mid level providers, which basically means that there's someone supervising us. There's a doctor that's supervising us. In a lot of states, particularly New York State, says that we don't have to have a supervising physician over us

or dictating to us what to do. That we are independent providers. And just like you would go to see a primary doctor for chest pain and that primary doctor would maybe sending you to a cardiologist to rule out a or hard conditions, I would refer you to someone if it's outside of my scope of practice, but still be able to take care of the pregnancy. That's the way that a midwife you know, works and is licensed

to work within the state of New York. However, there are insurance companies that are national, and so these insurance companies have specific you know, UM requirements their hospitals as well, and they look at us as mid level and so they say that there has to be a physician over us telling us what to do or supervising our role. And so when you get into those those dynamics or that hierarchy structure, and it's in place everywhere, that's one of the biggest hoops that we have to jump over

because we can't, you know, not necessarily get malpractice. Insurance is a problem because we have to have a supervising physician. However, the State of New York says that we don't you know, we can practice independently if we want to get into the hospital. They want to know who's our supervising physician, who's your you know, your physician that you work with.

Those are those are some of the things. And then with in terms of reimbursement, some insurance companies will not reimburse because we don't have a collaborative physician or a doctor on paper, which is crazy. Or they won't even approve a home which is that pretty much? That yeah, that that they felt as if she was not quality or classified as a caregiver. And then too many we have baby sup Yeah, yeah and Cairo were close together. I was not crazy. It's crazy. Yes, we've spoken about

this in the past. How you feel like this is your purpose? Yes, it's pretty much called you to say, this is what you are going to do. So her birth story was crazy, Yeah, how did you get to here? Like with all the hoops that you continue to have the JOm you you always show up with a smile on your face. And it is about the women, it's about the families, it's about these children. What inspired you and how do you stay inspired? So it was my own birth story that inspired me. Um. I became a

mother at twenty. I was a college student at Syracuse University. I had just lost my father a year and a half before that, and in the same year lost my my dad and I was just looking for love and all the wrong places and ended up getting pregnant and had my son in college. Um, And when I started school, you know, I never thought that that would be something that I would be doing, you know, having a baby, ya right, trying to go to school. And so I

ended up just staying focused. And I said, you know what, I'm not going to let this, you know, change my direction. I'm going to keep doing what I need to do. I'm gonna have my child, you know. And and I couldn't see myself having an abortion just because I had just so much loss, you know, recently, and so I decided, you know, even though everyone in my corner, every person, every person in my family was telling me I needed

to have an abortion, I decided not to. And so I had to figure out, just me and me, you know, how I was going to get this done. And so I went and asked my um, my guidance counselor you know, for advice. They really didn't have anything. They suggested I, you know, spinished school later, you know, delay things. And I decided, no, I'm not going to do that. So I went to the dean and got special permission to

take extra credits the semester that I was pregnant. So I think I ended up taking like twenty two or something like that, or twenty four credits, which is like literally unheard, unheard of. When I was pregnant, UM got on Medicaid, got a welfare did the whole thing, got into family housing. And it so happened that while I was in school, I was obviously studying to be a nurse, and that particular semester that I was pregnant, I was

studying maternal child nursing. So my textbook became my childbirth education as I was growing life. Right as I was growing life, I was learning about, you know, how life is formed and developed and so on and so forth. And so I remember going to Lama's class and just not really focusing because I had so much on my plate, so much to do, so much heavy burden, you know, to to live through. And so eventually I invited two

of my girlfriends to be my support. My son's father was and I mean a football player, so there was no and I'm sure you understand about there was no not coming to practice. Yeah he was at Yeah, there was no not coming to practice. So we didn't know if he was going to be able to be a part of the birth. And so I remember the morning I went into labor, and um, I called my girlfriends. They drove me to the hospital. I called him and

he's like, I gotta go, I gotta go. And it was Coach P at the time, that was his coach. Was like, he's not gonna let me out. So he went to his practice and some of his guy friends you know, drove him when he got done, and he got there just in time. But before when I got to the hospital, I realized that the nurse that was there was actually my instructor, and I saw her face and I saw, you know who who she was, and I didn't, you know, I just was in labor, so

I didn't think anything of it. It turns out that she ended up taking me as a patient, UM, and she worked walked me to the whirlpool. So your Syracuse in struct my Syracuse instructor, ended up being my my labor. I know it was. It was insane, insane miracles like that whole entire day. And so she put me into a jacuzzi room like a whirlpool. And at this time, my son is twenty two years old. At this time, they weren't doing water bursts per se, but they allowed

you to labor and water. She left me in there the entire time. I don't even recall the time that they really even listened to the baby a lot, just like how I did for you, condem just putting the doppler on my belly and leaving me free to manage my contractions. And I didn't ask for those things. She just willingly did it for me. And then when it was time for me to have the baby, UM, I kept saying I had to push, and she said okay,

it's time to get out. And so she walked me to my room and at this time I remember one of the biggest things I remember was um that the room seemed so far away. It was only just a few away. And then it was this young guy in the hall and he had on a white jacket and I walked up to him and labor it and I'm like, just help me. They won't help me, and he's like, ma'am, I'm the candy striper, Like I don't know who you are, Please stop joking me. I'm like holding on to his left,

go like help me please. The nurse is like, no, it's okay, you could do it, you know. So she walks me to the room and I'm like having to push the entire time, and long story short, I got into the bed and two pushes, my son was born. And it so happened as I was walking into the room and as I was beginning to push, his dad ran down the hall and came into the room. So it was it was the vine. It was for all of us to be. We need to talk about that.

Yeah shows yeah, yeah, Hollywood, like you should be. You'll be in the whole way. The whole way will be really long. You know that somebody the receiver to side. So um. But I think what I took away from that moment was somebody watched out for me, and I didn't have to ask she she could tell me. She could you know, anticipate my needs, and I didn't have

to mention her say a word. And the fact that she basically ushered me into motherhood and allowed me to walk while she walked alongside me meant the world to me. She didn't she didn't do anything to take over. She allowed me and I didn't even know I needed that. I didn't even know that I could ask for that, but she gave it to me willingly. And I never really got an opportunity to talk to her about it because then life went on and I was just you know, I was at the end. It was at the end

of the semester. So um. I had him during the week of finals, and I, you know, as soon as I was discharged, I went to finals and was breastfeeding while I was in finals. I really never had the chance to go back to her and say thank you or to ask why. But I, you know, it's stuck with me, you know, and that was the beginning of my journey to be a mother to this young man.

And I went into nursing, but something was missing. I can't I wasn't working as a nurse, but something was missing, and so I decided, you know what, I'm going to go to Middlewere Free School because during that time I also heard there was a woman who came to talk to us about just advanced practice nursing. And at that time it were Free was sort of new, you know, as an advanced practice um modality within the department of

or the organizational piece of nursing. And so we learned about mid red Free and I thought, wow, that would be something I would love to do. First of all, because I I am I think I have leadership quality, so I'm a leader by nature, and so just to be a nurse wasn't something that I think I would have been complete with and so I wanted to do something a little bit more yeah, and so um I went back to school and when I became a midwife, I was like, Wow, this is this is what I

want to do. But then just to be a midwife and being in the act at the mid of a midwife, it allowed me to start paying it forward. You know, I wanted to always make my my life's work mean something. That's why I worked with with us because we always talk about the same thing. We always talk about paying it for. We have paid forward in the gym wall that we own. We always talk about legacy. You're hearing your story just sounds the exact opposite to what you

hear from so many women of color in the hospital. UM, can you talk a little bit about the mortality rates and why mid re Fee is so important to you because we're here now in the country, you know, a black woman is four times more likely to die on that table. The morbidity immortality rates for infants that are black infants and also from others have not changed. They've

been like that for years. The only reason why it's becoming more UM recognized in the community is because it touched the lives of people like Serena Williams and people you know, like Dr Hackett's daughter, Kira Um. It's touched people's lives who whose voices are maybe bigger than the woman who lives in Brooklyn, New York, on Flatbush Avenue, you know what I mean. And in the social media edge and now we have access to that. So those types of things are coming out and becoming more um

vibrant in the community in terms of being recognized. UM. So this has always been a problem. UM. But the reason why these things are happening for you know, because of many reasons. The biggest one obviously is racism. And

racism exists in the hospital structure. It hugely exists. There's implicit biases that will allow a practitioner to assume something of a woman without because of how right, because she looks a certain way, they'll assume her her status, you know, who she is, what kind of money she has, which her insurance, all of that, just by the way she looks, and then that dictates how they care for that person. Um. And so this is happening where we're you know, on

the front lines of the hospital. And so the majority of these these stats are not from home births, they're not from birth center birth these stats are from hospital births. And soople it's important you say that though. Yeah, Like, as we talked about institutions, I feel like sometimes people get in their own way and their entitlement allows them to trust the institution. Oh, they're not going to do

this to me, no they will. And it's not just hospitals, it's any institution because the institution only cares about the bottom line and the institution. So most people walk into institutions believing like, oh, they won't do this to me. Say at schools, edges you not only universities are professional sports. Oh they're gonna take care of me because no, no, no, no, they're gonna take care of themselves. And thinking about even

things that are dictated. When I was pregnant with Jackson, the first O B G y N who I saw, I remember speaking with a nurse who worked in the hospital that he was affiliated with, and I said, hey, what do you think of Dr so and so? And my mom just so happened to know her as well, because the nursing world is small, and she said, if you want a good surgeon, you can stick with him. His C section rate was something like sixty something per cent. She said, he was very impatient, didn't like to wait

labor out. And what happens with the C section versus a natural delivery more money, more money, more money, more money. It's just crazy how that's already a preconceived idea like, oh, she needs a c section. Great, let's just go ahead and cut her because there's a bigger and the care with your apidural. This woman that was sticking condemned with

this needle did she had no care at all. It was almost like she was stabbing her and she had she had to get stuck three times, and it almost seemed like she didn't care, like she just you know, she kept in and she pulled out. She's moving. I'm like, she's not moving. And we were young. We were young at the time. We looked young. They probably felt like, oh,

here's this young couple. You know what I'm saying. I didn't have my wedding ring on because I came from the gym literally and I looked like I was about seventeen. So they probably automatically felt like, oh whatever. And that's how that you know, she was treating with the upper door. And that experience to me was just meanwhile, man on the flip side with Takia, when I'm in labor with Kaz, out of my peripheral I could see that she was watching me, and you knew exactly what my body was

doing without me having to say it. Yes, that's how in tune you were. And how invested you were in the process. And I remember being in the pool and you knew and however you knew it was about to be that time. She's like, let's go to the pool. I'm like, okay. First of all, that's not the key his voice. Okay, that's not voice. The whole it was amazing, how are you feeling. I was saying to myself, like, well, we got this the whole talk two kids like that.

Literally was like, listen to my voice and everything else out because we had the family was there. There are a bunch of people, you know, so she wanted to instruct. She was always making sure I was okay. She was like, Kadine, at any point if you want, if you want to clear this room, you let me know you were the boss. And I'm like okay. And I remember the point where I was like, can you please tell me when I have to push because I was definitely afraid. I was

definitely afraid of tearing. And she was like, you tell me, you're to tell me. You're going to have to tell me. I want you to tell me what to do that I was sitting back there looking at both Listen to your body. Your body will tell you portions. I didn't know what to do. I'm holding your shoulder and then you asked her. You were just like, you canna tell

me when the push right? She was like, you're gonna tell me when, Like, somebody better tell somebody want to push, because I might have to catch this baby where to come out? And I do, And it was amazing how I was. I literally heard nothing but Takia's voice, like music was playing. My sister. You guys would have a conversation, and I heard nothing but Takias. We were arguing about the flowers that your mom threw into the water. When she was both, you're not going good on my girl

with the flower flowers were beautiful. Oh my goodness. If you had forehead but actually sprinkled the flowers like a flower did on her way out, She's like, here you go. If y'all haven't caught that vlog, you have to tube channel and you can catch umks is amazing home birth. Oh my goodness, so much information here, so um all right, Takia, So tell me if you're planning to have a child. If a woman is planning to have a child, um, how do you choose the birthday plan that's best? For you.

What are some of the like guidelines. What do you think people who are researching mid with free um or finding a midwife who may work for them, what are some of the pros and con Just give me like a whole, like a little bit. The biggest thing that I think that women struggle with is that they wait too long. Some women decide to get married and they take a year plus to to plan a wedding, They take a year plus to plan a vacation, but wait until they're pregnant to figure out what they're gonna do.

And so if women, especially more specifically Black women, because we're the ones out there dying at a faster rate than any other race, if you want to have a better outcome, you need to start when you know you want to get pregnant and have a preconception counseling. You know, visit with a provider, interview people. Just like you're trying on a new pair of shoes. You need to go and try people out and see whether they fit or not. Because if they don't fit and they're rubbing you wrong,

you need to go find you another provider. And so you're gonna need time to do that. The other thing that women need to do. It's understand their benefit. Understand their insurance. A lot of people, especially if they're employed, get insurance through their employers, and so they're usually looking at how much is coming out my check, they're looking at what They're not looking at what the benefit is. You know, what does it pay for? What do I have to pay out of pocket? Do I have some

you know, wiggle room with choosing providers? Can I choose whoever I want out of network? And network all of those things need to be looked at, and you know, deductibles, co insurances, all of that needs to be looked at because eventually it's going to affect you for things like childbirth. I think about John Q movies of all time. It wasn't until something happened that he actually looked at his

insurance papers and said, y'all won't cover this. You've been taking this, but it doesn't cover And that happens every day. It happens every day it happened. So that's one of

the biggest things. It's just understanding that and then know that there because the the system is rigged and it doesn't support for example, home birth, then it's gonna be a challenge, and usually home birth requires some out of pocket payments because the insurance is not going to cover it all for many, many reasons that we don't have time to discuss today. Um yeah yeah so um. So there has to be some type of money put aside

and planning if you're deciding to go that route. If a woman is just deciding, you know, she wants to have a baby, she really doesn't know where she wants to go. First is first and foremost is to look and see what the hospital stats are throughout the city or the community and where you're living. So there is a Baby Friendly Initiative and they have a website, so you can go on their website and see who's been,

who's in what particular status of their baby friendly designation. UM. You can simply call the hospital itself and ask the hospital are they baby friendly designated UM, because once they're designated, they're gonna preach it to the masses because they want people to come. So that's that's public information. The other thing in terms of the stats of the hospital, that is also pretty public. So if you just look up stats in the state you know or the area that

you live in for the hospitals. A lot of times people are keeping those stats. Larger organizations are keeping those stats, and so it's pretty easy to also get that if they have a high sea section rate, don't go there. If they're not baby friendly, don't go there. Baby friendly means that they're going to you know, take time and try to push for more of a natural birth. More specifically though, it's that they're going to provide skinner skin

contact or the baby immediately after birth. A lot of time they'll delay cord clamping so that the baby gets the blood you know, um, come the place center right right after birth, and usually baby friendly also includes that they are not going to provide formula as the base of nutrition for the baby, but that would only be used as needed or as a doctor's order. So that's

breed for promoting breastfeeding. So a woman wants a more natural birth, a birth where she's going to have those things for the baby, then she needs to choose a hospital that is baby friendly. Um. But then more more importantly is trying to find a good provider, whether it's a doctor, whether it's a midwife. But there needs to be a good provider, a person who listens, a person who gives you their time, a person who doesn't judge you, a person who gives you information and true informed consent.

And informed consent means letting the person know what their options are, risks, benefits, and removing yourself from their decision. So I have a question, we as is everyone a good candidate for home birthing? Because people ask me that I have man men contact me all the time. Yes, they either watch the vlog or they heard about Nina story and they're concerned. They're like, I want to make sure that my wife or my girl chance to bring a baby in the world healthy. Would you recommend um

home birth? And I'm the first one that you listen, I don't know enough about it, so is anyone most majority of women are because majority of women are healthy. So if there's no com mobilities like diabetes, heart condition or anything like that, and a woman had to have any prior uterine surgeries, there she's a candidate for home birth um and and then of course you have to have a healthy pregnancy, right, So as long as the pregnancy is healthy, then you have a low risk mother

and a low risk pregnancy. So a woman who fits those categories certainly can have a home birth. That's amazing. It's nine times out of tend more women are are not at risk and can have a home birth, then there are people who are at risk. Awesome, and before we wret really quickly. UM midwife versus dula. Sometimes people think they're the same thing. They're not, but there they aren't.

They are not they're not. Yes, dulas are basically UM providers or or or you know a friend or a family member or someone, but dula has like certification or they've gone through some extra training to learn how to

be a companion in birth. Their responsibility is to advocate their responsibilities to educate um and to support a woman during during birth emotionally, physically all of those things and and postpartnings assisting and sometimes doulas have extra you know, certifications like they might be a lactation counselor they might you know, do massage or raiky and certain other things and so that it adds to their qualification experience, their

right right. So that's what. But adula does not have scientific medical mid re free education to actually be to manage a pregnancy, deliver a baby, and manage the postpartum. That is only someone a midwife or you know, or a doctor like my sister. I feel like dula for me. Yeah, absolutely rubbing my back if I needed anything. Yeah, putting the flexi straw drinks. You're you're You're someone that she could not replace ever, ever, ever, all those little forehead

kisses you gave me, I mean, your prices, You're priceless. Sky. I feel like we could talk so much more about this. We could talk to have you back on season two or three. Yeah, predominantly serving the Queens and Nasau counties. My email is midwife at Sechina midwifree dot com and your Instagram as well. I know you normally posts, you know, some tips and tried you try to. Yeah, I'm a one woman's show, so I'm really needing to figure out the whole social media thing. And so yeah, I can

be found on Instagram as well at Sechina Midwfree. Sounds great And don't know everybody bombard her with you know, yeah, don't Bombara because she's busy out here serving the community and jealous I'm doing. But I want to thank you guys because you guys really really did the community uh such a service by vlogging your birth because it allowed women to know and families to know that they have

a choice. And then you did it with humor and and finaz and grace and just like you guys do than you you know, and it was classy and it was wealth you know, well done. But the fact that people could see that you could do this this way and you have autonomy at the end of the day completely as is the one that's respected. All right, coming up, we're going to get into some listener letters, but after these ads, this for the record. There it is a win for the ages. Tiger Woods is one of our

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it's been completely wrong? All American Tiger is out now. Listen and Stitcher, Apple podcasts or your favorite podcast app. Alright, so it's super important to have these conversations for so many reasons, um about women's health and you know, what we have rights to and whatnot and all that. But we're gonna switch scares and let's get into these listener letter Come on, babe, go ahead and read this first one?

Whoever sent this question one. I've been in New York City for the entirety of my adult life and have grown to love the area, people in lifestyle, and I'm entirely cognizant of how unique and different Brooklyn is. The subway to dollar cabs, people in a rush, and the way we talk to each other can be jarring in so many questions, What ways can you help your spouse enjoy where you live and be it and make it

become her home? So pretty much here Brooklyn, dude, And probably got somebody from bunds off like I ain't used to this. Just some background. She's born bread and bleeds Pittsburgh. Wow. Her family is from the South South Carolina, just like my family Orangeburg stand up to be exact. So there are a lot of polite, charming, very appropriate undertones that make up the best parts of her, but I think

also makes her disgusted with New York understandable totally. I figured you both are in uniqu positions, having traveled and moved a lot, and also that you're both from Brooklyn. A you're asking to people who live, die, breathe, what's the problem. Stop waving at everybody you see. They don't know you developer ice grow develop this term right here. But you're looking at right. You're looking at right. No, don't do that. I mean, New York is a lot, though New York is a lot for people who are

not from here. In part why two, we're just like, maybe we need to spread our wings and fly and maybe head to a different location. You know, New York is specific for people, I think depending on the point you are in life too. Like we now have three children, you know, we want some more space, so it's Brooklyn necessarily the way for us. Still, this is my thing. Though they don't have kids, he said, he's just trying to get his his country southern bell to get a

cuss them to Brooklyn. Here's the biggest thing. Even though I'm from Brooklyn, I still have a lot of my country family morals. I speak to everybody in my neighborhood cade laughing because I walked by. When I see people, I don't know what's good? Bro? What's good boss? How's everybody doing? And this is what's funny. Right. People respect

you in the community when you talk to them. Also, it's a way for you to eliminate that awkwardness where people think you soft, because when you walk by people and you look down or you look away, then they're like, oh, he is sucker. But then if you ice grill them, or you're becoming kind of like a target, become a target. Well you seem unaware if you look away or if you look him in the eye and you say nothing, then it's like, yo, what's his problem? It's very simple,

you speak to people. I feel like it would just be great across the board if we can just walk past somebody and just give a nod or give a smile. It just doesn't seem to be the New York way of life, but you can. For me, it is, I say hello to everybody, right, I say hello, it'd be it'd be a group of young teen young dude. They look they look like they're ready to do something that somebody you walk by but it was good fellas. You know what, they'd be like, what's up, what's up? O G?

Because you're like an O G. Now in the I'm not I'm not that O G. Don't be upset. They sure do. But I also think it has a lot to do with our upbringing. You think about it, like my family with West Sending roots, your family with Southern roots. Hospitality, you know, saying hello to somebody like in the in the West Indies or you know in the Islands, you can't walk past somebody and not say hello, good morning,

good night, or you know all that. So I think what he could do is he could walk around with her, because this is what I do with Coadin never understands it. We'll walk places in the neighborhood and I'll say hello to people, and then the beginning she's like you know them, and I'm like, no, you know what them. No. But what happens is people get a custom seeing seeing you in the neighborhood and they see your woman on the

woman you with, they'll take care of your family. Like I don't worry about Codeine when she's walking where we were because they know that that's my wife. When she's walking home. There's one guy in particular, I don't even know his name, but every time he sees Codeine getting out the car, he's always like, Hey, how you doing, And it's almost like, I know, if anything would have happened, he would be like, yo, yo, you know what I'm saying. Watch that's you know, that's the vows girl, that's the

Vowles wife. And it's important for us to have that community. Absolutely, and it's tough. And also, you know, we should find out what part of Brooklyn man, because Brooklyn has changed. You could be in bed style. I'd be around old school, biggie type of Brooklyn and then walk one block and then being like park Slope type of exactly. You'd be like, what in the Connecticut Muffin is exactly Connecticut Muffin pop up? And we were just like, what the hell across from

the Roster spot connect Me, nobody gonna go there? Closed down a six months the hood rejected Connecticut. They sure did. But you know what, also too, with your girl, we can totally have her bring some of her Southern hospitality up here. It's refreshing sometimes to see that, well me at least, it's refreshing to see someone you know smiling say hello. So since don't be discouraged, don't make discourage.

You're gonna you're gonna love the nightlife and stuff being open late and you want you can hit up the jerk chicken spot mad late because you know he's still gonna have this grill out on the side of you know, four o'clock in the morning after the club, like, you know, take it for what it is, and you should probably head down to the South to to see what she were not even in the South, but she's in from Pittsburgh, so you can take a look and see what if

he's over there. If you speak to people in the neighborhood, they'll speak back. Yeah. Absolutely, spread love. It's the Brooklyn way. Hey, baby, baby, alright, question number two, Question number two, want me to read this one? I read it all right ahead. We live in For some reason, she's like reading out loud today. I don't know. Just school, Jackson's out of school. It's

just we live in Virginia Beach. And my wife recently explained to me that she is having a hard time in our marriage because we got married at such a young age, and she feels that she hasn't gotten a figure out what she really wants in life, and now she lives in my shadow because she sees me coming home from work and feeling fulfilled. Oh this sounds so familiar in there. Meanwhile, she hates her job. How do I support her and figuring this out? I'll let you

answer to speak to us. So why don't she It's funny because we've had different phases through our relationship where I did feel like, you know what, I'd love to be, you know, at home and just take care of the household and rear the kids. And at this point, I don't even think we only had one child. Yeah, we didn't have no child? Or do we we didn't have

any children? The first one I was playing balls still, oh yes, when if I was playing ball, so I felt like it's like, you know, I can be at home and be the support of DeVos knees and all that. And after about two point five seconds that I was like, what's my purpose in life? I have none. I need

to find something to do for myself. So, you know, it's hard because when you're with somebody, especially if I'm not sure how long you guys have been together, Um, but you know, a lot of your hopes and dreams and aspirations become each other's, So I would say encourageurn not to lose sight of what that is. Um. It's hard sometimes as an individual when you're with somebody and growing in a really ship, you kind of feel like sometimes you you kind of take a back seat, you know,

but also too in a relationship you have. UM, there's like ebbs and flows. So at one point you may be thriving in your career, she may have to take a back seat to be the support system you need a home, and then vice versa, the title shift. UM. But I think the biggest thing for you helping her through this is trying to help her figure out what it is she wants to do. You know, if she's miserable in her job, is it just the job itself?

Is it her career choice? Um? And how you can be able to help her get to that next level whatever it is. I mean, that was very vocal about not allowing me to sulk in my sorrows and being like, hey, if you really want to do X y Z, how can we make this happen? How can I assist you in that? Um? So, yeah, it is hard, but I did learn some things. Thought you did? Would you learn? I learned this? Okay, gentlemen, A lot of men have a superhero guide complex where we feel like we can

solve all of our women's problems. We fucking can't. Sometimes you have to just sit back and say, Bay, figure it out because what happens, No, seriously, because this is her life. It's her purpose sometimes in her life, and her purpose will not involve you at all. You see what I'm saying. And I remember when one time, in particular, it's two thousand seven, I'm making a lot of money. You're at home. We have our own apartment. I'm like, Yo, I'm doing this something, this this man thing I'm doing,

and my wife is taking care of She's kept. I come home nine sitting in the dark with no TV on, and I'm like, I'm like, yo, what is wrong with you? And she's like, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just here. I just here. I got my degree. You're just sitting exactly a bunch of stuff. Yeah, we went shopping, We went to whatever North wille mall, spend a ton of money. She was a happy right. Two days later, I have a friend bag. So I was like, you know what, you know, what do you want to do?

And it's really the finding happiness in yourself. You cannot rely on your spouse or your significant other to be your soul source of happy because if that's the case, you're going to be left disappointed time and time and time again. And but for men. But that's part of the problem though, because it's question is a great question. How could I support you? Know what I'm saying, because because we have to find ways to support you guys. But a lot of times in supporting, supporting doesn't mean

doing the work. Supporting means sometimes falling back, not being a crutch and saying this is what you want, go get it. You know, I'm saying, oh, you have a job interview. Okay, I'll make sure you get there on time, but go do it. Because her doing that in herself on her own maybe so fulfilling and she'll realize, like,

this is what I meant to do. So sometimes that support system is falling back and let her just be a woman and be herself and and just be like be there for being here to listen to and don't say nothing and just keep your mouth shut. But I mean, every everyone, regardless of this man woman relationship or not, you are constantly working to figure out what your purpose is.

Something went right off the bat, like said early on, you know with her, she knew off the bat, after her experience at twenty years old, that this was going to be her path. Some people have to take the scenic route to getting to that purpose, and that just maybe where your girlfriend is, um right now? So yeah, you know what, friend, that your wife they are married.

They're married. We didn't even point out and I can't believe I missed this right They said they got married at a young age, and she says now in their marriage, she feels like she wants to find her purpose. You know what probably happened. She probably felt like being a wife was going to fulfill her purpose. And now she's a wife and it's like, okay, what's next, what's next? You know what I'm saying. And the thing is, as men,

we don't have that. We don't have that like that isn't socially conditioning condition for us to feel like, oh, I want to become a husband. You see what I'm saying. For a for a woman, it's almost like a prize. Oh you're someone's wife, and not necessarily I think. I think that there's some men who pride themselves and being a husband and being able to provide, and some women don't aspire to be wives are married either. I get that. But what I'm saying is is think about how we

condition our young men and young women growing up. Right, for prom women, you for the prom, you wait for a boy to ask you to prom, right to get engaged, you wait for the guy to propose, because I sure it's helling getting down on one knee, see what I'm saying. So as much as you can have this woman hearing me roar moments, I'll get down on both kneeds. And that's not right. There is why we need to here. No, you're funny, but it's true, you know what I'm saying.

Like we've conditioned our women to feel like you feel fulfilled when you be asked on a date, or you get engaged, or you get married. And for some women, like you said, that's not fulfilling. I need other things, And maybe that's what they need to have a conversation and find out like what else do you want to do? And what else do you want to do? Six? Yeah, and be open about it. Absolutely, And if you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, email

us at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com. That is D A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com. If you want to hear from us, Yes, and now it's time for the moment of truth. Can yes, sir, this episode was greatly about you. Yes you had. I sure did with you by my side. Yes, So talk to me. What's

your moment of truth for today? I think after talking to Takia, having experienced her care, having had pretty much an extensive portfolio of different types of childbirth and labors and stuff with our three boys, my biggest takeaway or my biggest moment of truth would be for any woman to ensure that you are being your own advocate, and that means doing your due diligence with your research, knowing exactly what you want, having a birthing plan, having a

pregnancy plan. Um. Sometimes pregnancy come up unexpected, but in that once you do know you're pregnant, just make sure that you're doing your due diligence so you can you're out what it is exactly you want and naturally sometimes you know mother nature kicks in, there may be complications that arise, But the most gratifying and the most calming thing is to know that you have UM confidence in the person that you choose to be alongside you on

this journey, meaning whether it's a midwife or it's an O, B, G, Y n UM, whatever route you decide to take, make sure that you are your own advocate. You speak up for what you want. UM. You rely on them to be that source of expert opinion and expert knowledge, but be vocal about what it is you want out of your experience because it's a major time in life and having a baby is life changing. UM. With each child it gets to be a different experience. Every pregnancy is different,

every labor is different, every delivery is different. UM. So just making sure that you have that autonomy over yourself, over your body, and over your care. I am listen to you speak about it as a woman. It seems so common place to you because you speak about care and I have a different take on it. Is your moment of truth having to deal more with like a man's perspective as a father, because I know a lot of guys talk to you about it. No My moment of truth is all about women. There is a divine,

esoteric being about being a woman. Right. Women are the vessel that bring forth life into the world. Think about that. Right, if you take even with modern science, you take all of the sperm, all of the eggs, right, you get rid of all of the men in the world, you can still create life because you have women. That's the vessel. You get rid of all the women and you have men,

we can't do ship right. I don't think people want to admit that that there's something divine about being a woman, and I think it's important that we remember that, especially when it comes to childbirth, the fact that you can

bring life into the world. We have to take more care and more take heed to how important it is to understand how valuable the women reproductive system is and the ability to to bring in life, how important that is for humanity, absolutely, the outside of race, outside of anything, for just for humanity, for humanity women. If we want to continue to exist, we need women and we need to take care of them, take care of themselves. We have to know our rights, we have to have autonomy

over our body. Absolutely, And you took over my moment of truth. I don't mind because I'm passionate about it exactly. And I don't mind because this is about women and I think that we all need to realize. And I love you for supporting me every single pregnancy and devoured so much research on his own. Every single time I've had a baby and wanted to do something different, he did his own research. When it came to the home birth thing, finding him in wife, he was actually bringing

me information and statistics. So it was definitely a dual partnership all the way. He's like, if we're going to do this together and I'm going to be supporting you, I want to make sure I understand what's happening with your body to the best of my ability, which I respect about you as a man. Know, why do you know what it's like to look at the person you chose to bring forth life into the world and not know if you're going to see them when they come

out of that room. I've been there before. I've been there. That means a lot to me when I when I watched you go in there and say that, Wow, this is the sacrifice she's making to help me bring forth life, continue my legacy. We talk a lot about equality in this world. There's nothing equal about being a man or a woman. There are things that women can do that men cannot do, and we have to take hey to that. All right now, look at him trying to get me

to have another baby. That's all this is about, guy. I can get one more, absolutely not. I told you to keep it myde I will go check for my strings. Be sure to follow us on social media. I am Cadine, I am on Instagram and I am devoured. That's I A M. D E V A L E on Instagram, Twitter and also Facebook. And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be shut to rate review because we love to have feedback what you like and what we can improve on.

And don't forget to hit that subscribe button that when we do a new episode automatically downloads to your phone, all automatic. I'm all about the automatic soundload, you know. That's why it's there and I can listen and all that good stuff. Dead as dead ass, we'll back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going on right now as part as the stitchen Net. We're called Substraction that's available everywhere Get a podcast at Stitcher, Spotify,

Apple Go. Listen right now to the distraction, right now, it's out. Do it. Please,