Guys, we made it through another year. Three seasons. We love y'all.
Three seasons.
Three seasons in the year.
Oh, three seasons in the year.
Yeah. Yeah, see's episode of fifteen season twelve. Four years right, right, long, it's been longer than four years because we used to do two seasons in the year. So shoot, we're going to twenty eighteen. Yeah, it's the last one. I could do whatever I want to do. In this last sound bite.
You the boys fact you were the boss. Yeah, the boss.
It's not KaraOK your time. But were tired, clearly if you're watching, you set on ropes. Yes, it's toasty. It's giving end of the year, you know what I mean. We're tired and it's been a long one and we're trying to be cozy, so.
It sound like we tired. Yes.
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.
You may know us from posting funny videos with our.
Boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Yes, sir, we are.
We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.
Things most folks don't want to talk.
About through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Were about to take philosof to our whole new level.
Dead ass starts right now.
I'm not gonna choose the final karaoke song you not of the year. No, because somebody here saw Beyonce five times, and you better know a song after being there five times. Pick a song that you learn.
Well, it's funny you said that because the sound by I said, we're cozy, and you know, don't act like you're gonna be knowing the songs too.
I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.
Comfy within my skin, cozy with who I am, I love myself, goddamn cozy.
That's one of my favorite.
I know it is the value. Were trying to act like he not a high member this point, baby listen and at this point the movie when listen, when the movie tickets went listen, I was in Kansas City, all right, that's when I saw the trailer for the movie, got the tickets a couple of days after, they went to go watch with me.
I didn't have a choice of another choice. I saw the show two times. I didn't need to see a movie of the show. I didn't, but I will be in support of my wife and whatever she wants to do.
You know. It was a date night. And then he got to get a show after the show.
Yes, that was what I was waiting for.
You're welcome.
Yes, and you performed, You performed. I was in the KHive.
Yes, in there, Honeybee, all right.
First listener letter of the episode. I love these particular episodes because I feel like y'all run the show.
We're just here, you know, giving our little two cents.
Hey, guys, I'm a regular listener to your show, and y'all are awesome.
Thank you for writing in.
I've been working out consistently for four months, and although I feel good, I'm not dropping this weight like I feel I should. I started off at one seventy nine and four months later I am one seventy five.
This is stupid and I'm over it.
And by the point in my fitness journey where I feel it feels wrong not to work out a good thing. But when I see these pounds ain't dropping, I get in my feelings and want to quit. It feels like an ice ship's diet is the only way. No, but that ain't gonna happen. I'm a American Houstonian. But but, but, but, and these foods be calling. I heard Houston has some really good Withsydian food. So discipline and consistency have betrayed me, and I need some advice.
How can I drop this weight? I could cry?
Sincerely, a fat ass listener is trying to be fine, girl, Do not claim that over your life.
You just want to have a fat ass, not be a fat ass listener. You know what I'm saying. But listen, the scale is a lie. That's the first thing.
You may legitimately be shedding, toning, sculpting your body and not see the difference in the scale, because why must more than fat?
I think sometimes the better guide guide, or the.
Better gauge rather is to see how your clothing is fitting measure.
Yeah, like, it depends on the type of workout you're doing. First of all, she says, the foods be calling her, So realistically, you're not going to just lose weight if you continue to eat poorly.
And this saying you can't out work exercise a bad diet facts.
But here's the truth. Though, you can make lifestyle changes and still eat the foods you love. Like Kadeen and I still eat all the foods that we want to eat. The difference is, rather than eating a half a plate of rice, if you're a Jamaican Houstonian, how about you cut that to just two spoonfuls of rice and add an additional prote to add more vegetables. Right, so you can still have rice, cabbage, and a stewed chicken, but eat twice as much chicken, half as much rice, and more cabbage.
If you go into the restaurants, you know they'd be singing on the face, especially if it's oxtale.
Forget it.
Don't even do that because that's just our habit, right, that's what we've been accustomed to. You fill up on the rice, which is the starch, and that of course is not going to help your finished journey because you want to be more protein heavy.
So here's the key. Keep doing what you're doing. If you're working out consistently, eat more protein, more vegetables, less carbs. I can guarantee you that in itself, that in itself will help you lose somebody fat. Now, what Kadeen said, if you're lifting weights, do not expect to lose a lot of weight because lifting weight increases bone density and increases muscle. So if you're increasing bone density and muscle,
you're gonna be heavier. But you can be heavier and look smaller because when you increase muscle, it burns body fat. So as the muscle is growing, you say you want that booty, do more squats, more lunges, more dead lifts. Your legs are going to grow, but your waist is going to shrink, which means you'll look better. So be patient. Four months is not an eternity and a fitness journey. Four months is typically just the beginning. Give yourself a year, give yourself a yet year. Be consistent.
Yeah, I feel like I didn't really start seeing changes in myself until I feel like that first two weeks is like your body is like, Okay, what are you trying to do? Yeah, Then the first four weeks in it's just like, oh okay, I see what you're trying to do. And then those first two months, it's like, Okay, I'm catching my rhythm. So by four months, yeah, you may or may not see too many significant changes, but I know that becomes the point where a lot of people like to stop.
They feel like, damn, I've been doing this for four months.
And then you know, you're like, it's almost like that point where you're like, okay, either a stop now because it's not working, or you pushed past it. So you might be in that push past it phasis. And there's certain things that you should also watch, like sugar intake. You know, we've my gosh, juices and sodas and stuff like that. Cut that drastically and then find other ways around it. So with water, coconut water. At one point
all summer Devout was juicing water. You just have to find substitutions for the things that you really love to eat. Because listen from one drum American to another, there's certain things that I'm not getting rid.
Of, like I'm just not doing it okay.
And for cardio, I know people hate jogging. Get on a treadmill right, put that incline up to six to nine, yes, put the speed on three point five and try to walk thirty minutes power you watch how your body leans out like just a power walk, and you can put on a book you'd like to listen to, or put on a television, watch the show, put on some music. But that really helped Kazen and I Boss lean out, especially get into this older age where you don't want
to necessarily sprint and run all the time. Let me protect Well, I'm twenty five, but some of us turned forty a couple of weeks ago. And when I say some of us, I don't mean me.
And you wish you could look this good forty, well, we all can.
Look as good if we put the incline on six to nine and the speed.
On three points start there.
You know, I've been doing consistently twelve inclined three point zero speed for thirty minutes, and that's second a minimum, like even on days when I'm just like damn, I really just I don't have it in me at the very at the very least, that's all I'm going to do. In addition to weights as well, because we.
Wait trained squats, deadlifts, lunges, lap pulled down chain, yep eels. That's mainly what you do is la area swatts, push ups. I'm talking about opper bodyes lot pull down push ups on everything, anything pushing. Yes, that's what Kadean does, work.
Rose things like that.
Yeah, okay, well, I hope this hopes you'll shouts to you for getting on that fitness journey. I love that for you, Yes, ma'am, all right, second one, you want to go babe?
Hey, Deval and Kadeen. My husband and I got married just two months ago after a long term relationship. We've never lived together for an extended period of time, and appreciate this hard work as oh, we've never We never lived together for the extended period before, and I appreciate his hard work as our provider. However, since we got married here there's been a significant change. He really initiates
intimacy and he's hardly around when I'm awake. His routine involves waking up at ten am, diving into work without getting dressed or even brushing up, and he keeps working late into the night, even on weekends. I'm feeling increasingly unhappy and lonely. We rarely discuss our feelings or goal. That's the problem, and it's all about his work. I've talked to him about this, but he claims to be too busy. Am I being selfish or once for wanting
more attention and emotional connection. I'm struggling to understand and address this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I would say this, No, I don't. You can't be selfish for expressing what you require, what you need, what you want, what you desire from your life. You have a life partner that's not selfish to express it. What selfish is giving someone an ultimatum and saying, if you don't provide this for me right now, I'm leaving. No. Expressing it
is not selfish. Building a plan on how you both can get everything you desire out of life is what marriage is about. And that starts with conversations, and it starts with being honest. So I don't think she's being selfish at all.
And it looks like he is.
She says, a routine involves waking up and then diving right into work, so it looks like he's working from home. Yes, and we know what that can look like. Sometimes a lot of people have complained. I've heard several people, actually from different facets, complain about the detriment that working from home has been to them and then their life and their motivation and their drive and anything in general. Even my sister mentioned it. She was just like, oh my god,
like I've gained a little weight. I just feel like I don't feel like myself because you're not going through the process of getting up, getting ready, getting outside, getting outdoors, being in the sun, and then knowing that when you leave that space, you know, depending on what your job is, you can leave work there and come home and actually have some downtime. So I think maybe having the discussion with him about same, babe. I know that work is,
you know, important to you. I love the fact that you're a provider. I love that you are, you know, putting that as a priority for us. But also we have to prioritize time together, and having not lived together for an extended period of time too, you're also probably just getting accustomed to how each other functions in the household together, and that's something that a lot of people have to kind of push through and learn people's habits
and stuff. So I think having the conversation and I don't think, I know, having the conversation with him is going to be very very important about finding time to draw the line, because I had to do that with you a couple times with work.
Yes, work together, Yes, she said, though we rarely discuss our feelings and goals. That is a problem because here's all this other stuff about oh, he works too late, and D she does this, and I require this. All of that can be solved by discussing your feelings and your goals. Kadeen and none, since the age of eighteen have been discussing our goals, our not mine, not hers, our goals collectively and individually, and then curating a life
to get those goals together. If you're not discussing goals and what are you discussing, then that means you're your relationship. If you can't discuss feelings and goals, your relationship is.
Based on what there's no relationship really, you.
Know what I'm saying. It's very like that. It just seems like.
A individualistic approach.
Yes, and I mean she did say that she loves the fact that he provides, which means he's a sole provider and she doesn't provide. She doesn't say that she works, so if he provides, he probably feels like, well, I have to do what I have to do to be able to provide for my family, and I don't want you questioning me on how I'm providing. Sometimes that becomes an issue, and that becomes an issue when you don't discuss your feelings.
Or goals right, or how about maybe like you know, if it is at home that he's working from, like saying, hey, babe, you know what's your estimated time to be done today? I'd love to schedule a date night and then you guys maybe go out out of the home so that you can have some time outside of it, and then over dinner, you know, discussing goals, feelings, you know, things that you have on your mind.
You have to keep the conversations going. There's just no own way around it.
And you have to hope too that he's going to be receptive to you when you express your feelings and not judge you for feeling the way you feel, but you know, taking into consideration. So I'm hoping that since you guys are newly married, that this is something you guys can work past.
Yeah, and just she says, am I being selfish for wanting more attention and emotional connection? Absolutely not, No, You're not being selfish at all, go get what you want to like, baby, you only get one of those. You don't owe it to anybody. And I'm telling that to anybody, man or woman. You don't owe anybody in the world except for the children you create because they didn't ask to be here. But everybody else. Tell them what you want, what you desire.
That's a fact we still tell I'm still telling me what you want, and I still can't get that shit right sometimes, So don't feel no kind of way.
It's not that you can't. Sometimes you don't be wanting to get it right because you be like I just want to do it the way I want to do it, and that's and that's marriage, right, Like we all go through that and we keep having a.
Discussion until I don't know, right, we know until I don't know. So sometimes like, listen to you when they tell you what they want. That is a valuable lesson so many arguments.
Listen to people when they tell you what they want. When you ask somebody, When you ask somebody what do you want and they tell you don't give them what you want to give them. You asked me, why would you ask me? And they look look look at her, faking her fingers.
You see, my problem is that I wanting to put my special sauce and stuff and devout on me.
The more of my special sauce, he said, give me, give me this. I asked for this old the sauce.
I don't mind these special sauce. But when the special sauce be less than what I asked for, how was itouse specialists? That motherfucker. I'm just saying. You know what I'm saying, like to if I got But God, you see how we can joke and laugh about this. You know why we can joke and laugh about this because we've discussed this, had tough conversations.
You know, the arguments and the fights and the tears, you know.
But we choose to be here. So we hear period loving on each other. And she take all my special sauce. Shut up? You look as ye do? Yeah?
Uh wait a minute, did that number three on that note?
Look?
Look, she got all flushed about what we were talking about. Forgot to take a break. How about you?
I forgot to take the break. I forgot to pay the bills. Child, That would be another argument. Let's do that. Let's take a break.
We'll stop talking about devo on special saws and we will take a break and get into these ads. Then we'll come back with more listening letters and we're gonna keep the ball rolling. With the third listener letter of the day today, I'm writing you, guys an appreciation letter.
Oh this is a noise. Thank you.
I was listening to one of your previous shows where you talked about the importance of vacations and reconnecting as a couple. The subject really hit home for me. My husband and I have just nine years just bought and moved into our first home back in yes and as exciting as that news was, the insane movie expenses really set us back.
Trust me, we understood.
Che We decided the best way to rebuild our finances was to skip out on some things. That meant taking a break from the things like eating out and going on dates, planning vacations at least for a while understood. In addition to that, we both began working longer hours, spending more time away from one another. I was beginning to feel lonely and missed time with my husband, even with us being in the same damn house. Been there, and after listening to the show, I was inspired with
an idea. I decided to surprise my husband one Saturday night with the romantic at home date.
Okay.
I stopped by an art studio where they make personalized canvases to paint with kids included. I went home, set up a nice scene with candles and wine, laid out all the paints and brushes, and we had a beautiful time painting the canvases together. The best part was when we put down our phones, played some music and we had each other's full undivided attention.
We talked, we laughed, had some wine, smoked.
Some good and it was some of the best quality time we had in a long time.
I love this for you, guys. By the end of the night, we made love for so long that I just thank my father for.
We know.
I just had to write into thank you guys for the inspiration to reconnect with my husband. It was long overdue, very much needed, and even though it wasn't as lavis as a vacation, the time we spent was an unforgettable experience. We're currently making plans in our busy schedules or in between our busy schedules, rather to have more nights like that one. Thank you guys.
Yo. First of all, I love that's mad though, because so many people don't calling or write in with complaints about marriage. To hear people applying some things that they might have learned from us means a lot. And the reason why it means a lot is because one thing I hope you guys learned from Kadeen and I is that we don't come on social media or have a podcast to influence people, or to tell people to live like us, or to brag or bolt, or even to
complain about each other. We come to share, and we hope that in sharing our experiences, the good and the bad, someone can say, you know what, either I like that, I'll try it, or I see why that didn't work for them, I'll leave that alone. It's just sharing, it really is. That's all of this. So to hear some of these stories about people who have received some ideas about how to exist in their life just based on what we've shared, makes me feel good.
And it's nice to see that, you know, in a day of social media where it seems like everybody's traveling and everybody's having these lavist vacations and everybody's all over the globe, and you know, stuff like that. It's nice to see that there's ways to reconnect and disconnect.
You know that you're doing.
The comfort of your own home absolutely, that doesn't require too much, that doesn't cost too much. You don't have to break the bank for it. Because when you talked about this sacrificial period of not eating out, not going on dates, not buying things, like we had that at first, like five years of our marriage, that was just like grind sacrific. It was all sacrifice, and although we understood the sacrifice, it didn't remove the fact that we missed
each other in the process. Our relationship at that point was in shambles because we just didn't know how to effectively be there for each other when we felt like we weren't in a space to provide for each other, not knowing that the simple things that were needed were just time, attention, like you said, the affection, you know, putting on the phone down.
One of our favorite things to do is put on R and B music, listen to it. We joke and laugh about all of the things in the past that we had been through for sure, and we kiss on each other, love on each other sometimes each other. Sometimes it ends in sect. Sometimes it don't. Sometimes we just be joking and laughing about things in the past and then we wake up and then we hug each other, like, yo.
That was just dope, that dope night.
Yeah, you know. Sometimes like that intimacy that's spending the time and not having your partners still looking at their phone or having to split time with whatever your partner is looking at. That means so much to just sit down and oh, you're only focused on me right now.
Right, especially when you're so connected to someone, because a lot of times you just miss your best friend, right yep. And even working, you know, us working together a lot, sometimes I say devour. I don't want devour the business partner or the co host or you know, or the dad. I just want like devour my boyfriend. You know. So shout out to y'all. I'm so happy that you've implemented this. Keep doing it, keep going, keep going more of those. If something works one time, don't just stop.
And you'll be surprised how things don't get corny. So you did it once, then it becomes once a week, right, Then once a week becomes your natural habit. Like Kadeena and I go on date nights every night. But then now we have a date night, but then there's a random night in between us, like let's go do something else. Then it becomes two nights a week, and before you know it, you've created a habit about loving on the person that you're sharing the rest of your life with.
People say all the time like and you and Gadeen a sickening y'all like that all the time out on each other. Yeah, it's become a habit for us to love on each other. Yeah, you know, for no other
reason than that's just what I'm used to now. I'm just so used to just seeing her grabbing a butt, grabbing a hug, choking her a little bit while she's standing there, and her biting her lip, Like these are small things that we just do to each other that people be like, Okay, I'm leaving, and we're like, it ain't going nowhere. That's just what we do. Like we do that. Then she go make a sandwich for the kids, you know.
So it's just alment. Yeah, and help.
Number four. I'm liking the so far hey from OHI from a woman that just hit her thirties and although wishing that I had a relationship question for you, these single streets. Woo child, I actually have a question about
a career dilemma that I'm picking my brain about. I live in LA and I'm pursuing Korean entertainment on the executive track, trying to get trying to be the change that I want to see all over the amazing for all of the amazing creatives out there, like you both looking up to you all the raise and Tyler Perry's
of the world. My question is really simple. I know you have had careers and lives in both LA and Atlanta, don't forget New York, and knowing that Atlanta is another entertainment hub outside of LA, I would like to know what you both thought about the difference differences in regards to pursuing a career and entertainment or just the entertainment industry there overall. I am originally from the South and
all my family is there. I have spent most of my twenties in LA and now that I'm in my thirties, I'm finding myself wanting to be closer to family and loved ones. I miss out on so much with my family pursuing this dream and the thought of what a career in Atlanta would look like has been something to consider. Thank you for all you share and do for us as fans. Sincerely, Should I take my ass back to the South?
Oh that's cool?
Well, girl, you know, we came from New York born and raised, went over to LA for a little bit with the idea of thinking this was just the necessary step that you had to take in the entertainment industry to go to LA, you know, rub shoulders network, go to a hopefully go on more in personal auditions. And then we were throwing the monkey wrench that is COVID that happened six months into our journey. And then having children. I don't know if you have children, that doesn't seem
like you do. But in having children and also having the dilemma of wanting to be close to family, because that was a challenge, you know, with COVID of course, but then distance, it just kind of made sense for us to try to find out where we wanted to have our roots with our family, our immediate family, and
then be accessible to extended family. I don't think that you necessarily need to live in a certain place in order to be in the entertainment industry, meaning you don't have to necessarily live in an LA or in Atlanta
or in a New York. But it is good to be in a big city in terms of major differences that we might have seen between LA and Atlanta, I mean, you have access to people in both places, and I think Atlanta is a good Yeah, Atlanta is a good like median point I think between for us at least New York and LA. But there are definitely a lot more people in LA in the industry that you have access to and events and things like that.
Now that outside is back open.
I'll say this, we have to give her advice where she is. For us, living in Atlanta made more sense because we have four children who are looking to buy a home. The property value is better in Atlanta. Yeah, I work on on two shows at TPS, so what's easier here. But if I'm meeting her where she is single just turn thirty, I'm staying in LA. And the reason why I stay that is because when Kadeen and I were in LA, we established a ton of relationships.
Because when you're in LA and an event's happening, they can call and be like are you available? You can show up and realistically, the entertainment industry is no different. In athletics is no different than these Fortune five hundred companies, it's no different than tech. It's not about what you know, and it's not about who you know. It's about who knows you. And when I mean who knows you, it's
who are the people who are making these decisions. You said you want to get there on the executive track. Who are the people in these seats who can say I'm looking for an executive And if those people don't know who you are, you'll never get pulled into those meetings to even get an opportunity. And the only way you get into those meetings and you get to know those people are being in a proximity where those people get to know who you are. Outside of the entertainment industry,
it is not what you see. It is not about resumes and auditions. It's not that's fake acade.
But also to get the job, sometimes you don't necessarily have to be in that state.
You know, no, you don't have to be in the state. But think about it, how often were we in LA think about NCIS. N CIS was only hiring locals. Most of the industries hire New York or LA for films, it's La. For TV shows, it's New York. Right. It's very rare that you have someone that you want to bring in from a smaller market. Atlanta is a smaller market. She's an executive all of those. That's what I'm saying.
We have to meet her where she is not thinking about everything we right for her to be an executive, she has to be there. Like Robbie Reid lives in La Latania was living in LA. These are all people who are now executives.
Decision makers or decision.
Makers who we met going to events while we were in LA.
That is true. We don't get invited to a lot of stuff out here in Atlanta. And if we do, with stuff that we don't necessarily care to attend.
I'm gonna be honest, beneficial, I'm gonna be honest. I'm not throwing shade on anyone. So when I say this, don't take it as oh, he's throwing shade. Different industries have different hubs. If you want to get into the reality TV space, you want to get into that. Real Husbands or Real Wives of Atlanta's a perfect spot because the blog site, the blogs love Atlanta. It's easy to become popular and get in front of those people for
those type of shows in Atlanta. If you want to get into reality shows, you can't live in New York at LA, you know, because most of those shows use white people. As you know, the Real Housewives of New York or LA, they're mestly white. But for pot Potomac is is DC DC. But if you want to get into the entertainment industry with TV and film, you got to be New York at LA, especially if you want to get those opportunities.
But I do, I said in the beginning, I do. I was also trying to understand where she was coming from, and I can empathize with missing family and proximity and you know that portion of it too. But if you're really like grinding in your career, then you know, sometimes it has to kind of take a back seat to where she want to be the easiest industry.
I wish we knew where she was lifestyle wise, because if she's like, I'm looking for a husband, I'm trying to settle down, and then I would understand, Okay, make this choice. But she's all she said was career, a career, And I be honest, if I had no kids, even if I was married, we would be in LA.
That's true. We did say that we would be in l A.
Yeah, we were just want to visit Kendall and Donorra this past summer, and yeah, we said the same thing. We were like, had we not had children, we've just still been out there with a cute little apartment in the sky out in LA.
So, well, good luck to you whatever it is that you're doing.
I love that you know that you want to be the change that you want to see for creatives out there. We appreciate people like that who have the vigor and the drive and the want to do that. So good luck to you. Hope that was helpful. I think we got out some more bills to pay, you know what I'm saying. So we're gonna do that and then we'll come back for the last batch of listener letters. So stick around, y'all. All right, number five, All right, y'all
were back. Let's see what this last batch got to say for me. All right, let me start by saying, I really appreciate the platform y'all have created. I've really learned a lot about myself and my husband through strategies. I've gotten from listening to your content.
Thank you.
My first opinion, sorry, my first option has always been to get advice from a couple that has been through or going through some shit and maintain the dedication devotion that is to making it work in the relationship. I hope the Lord continues to bless you guys because y'all out here.
Doing his work. Thank you so much for that. Appreciate it.
My husband and I have been together in each other's lives since I was fourteen and him fifteen. We have the same birthday one year apart. Oh, same birthday, November scorpioss. Yeah, we were teenage. We were teenage parents by sixteen and seventeen. Everything you can expect the young couple to go through we did. After thirteen years of marriage, four kids, and your content as a form of theory, I feel that we are in a much better space.
That's what's up, okay.
Our current dilemma is about money. I love that man and will take a bullet for him any day of the week, But that motherfucker gets my nerves changed quickly.
Sounds about right.
It comes with the territory. He has always been secretive about his money. I've become more financially responsible, and that doesn't work for me anymore. I know I need to know what comes in and what goes out so that I know how we can and what we can and cannut of for I'm sorry, this is like.
He does not like nor want. Sorry what else I got you ahead?
He does not like or agree with that. He stated that as long as we as long as he was able to move when it was time to, I should not be on him about his money. As a compromise, I agreed. No. Now here's the problem. A business plan that we have been working on for a couple of years got some traction and we needed to make a twelve thousand dollars purchase. And guess who didn't have their
half of the money. I didn't want the opportunity to pass, so I put up the money myself, and therefore I no longer want them to be a joint business venture. That's how business works. We have a couple of solo projects already, so I didn't think it would be a problem to take ownership of this one. We were already budding has about this specific business plan which caused the delay in progress. Now I no longer feel the need to negotiate. He feels that I am overreacting and that
I am no and I'm acting funny. Oh no, you are not, he felt short, and I don't even need to hear this. No more. Listen, listen, let me listen.
This is another first time he's made me question it for businesses.
He's like, I'll finish it. She says, I believe my first mistake was going into business with my husband. It is not for everybody. What can I say or what can I do to maintain my stance without causing conflict in my marriage? Oh man, all right, First of all, give my wife some grace. Okay, she has been dealing with a ton of family issues over the past three weeks.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
You already know she can read way better than I can. But even last night she was just like she was a little bit in tears, a little bit, and I was like, what's the matter. She was just like, I just have a lot, and I just I was, babe, I can carry her tomorrow. Let us do. She's like, no, I got it, So you get grace. Don't even trip about it. Y'all know my baby can read. We hope hopefully she ain't get her master's degree, not knowing how to read, but.
I can read before. I'm just sorry. It was the fifth one and then the words just started dancing on the page. So I apologize, y'all, thank you for your grace.
But but this is the truth. Though, okay, because we dealt with this, and I'm not going to out anybody. But there were another group, another couple. Another couple went in together on buying a property. Right, the young lady put the down payment on the home and the young man was supposed to maintain the property right when she put the money down payment on the property, and he was maintaining that. She did not agree with how he was maintaining the property, so she said, you deal with
the property. You do it, it's yours. I did my part. I'm done. He was dealing and maintaining the property, and there were some times when he came up short with finance, so he asked his girlfriend, yo, well his wife at the time, can you help me with the property. She said, file for bankruptcy. My hands are done. The young man was able to borrow some money from some outside investors, was able to turn the property around and was now ready to sell the property for a lot of money.
Here comes the wife, and the wife says, yo, I want my percentage is going fifty nah. Nah, that's not how business works. The only thing you are, realistically, the only thing you are, since you've already washed your hands of the property, the only thing you are entitled to is the down payment you put down. If that person decides to give you your down payment back, and this is business,
not married, does not matters his business. When two people go into an investment together, if that investment fails, both people have lost their money. That's it. So when the investment was about to fail, and rather than help your partner and just say, hey, file for bankruptcy, I'm good, you at that point relinquished all rights to any profits
that come to that business. So since that person decided, you know where, I'm going to go ahead and forfeit any self respect I have and ask or borrow money from people so that I can maintain this property. Once the property turns a profit, it is now that person's responsibility to pay the person back that they had to borrow from and then they now have the rights to the property. That's just what it is.
Bruh.
This to me sounds like the same thing when you're married. But but the truth is business is business. Yes, if he did not have the money to invest, he has no entitlement to any profits that come from that business. And seeing as how he decided, that's like, Yo, what I do with my money is on me and you shouldn't ask me as long as I'm ready to go when it's time to move. You can't now feel a way because your wife moved in a direction to make herself money and you wasn't.
You wasn't ready, So like people can't ask you about your money, but then you claim you have your money, but then when time's come for the money, you don't have of money.
So you know what this is, right, This is someone trying to use marriage as a tool when it's convenient, when it's convenient. Now, you my wife, you're supposed to share with me. You overreacting, But as your wife when she's asking you, where's your money going? Where it's coming, you like, I don't need to tell you that. You see what I'm saying. That's using marriage when it's convenient.
That's not very very lapside and very wish. Yeah, this is what you do, is what you do passion.
Because because fair is fair. I'm all about fairness. Triple Didn't we talk about this last night. One thing I always say is stuff has to be fair. I don't care if it's a man, woman, child, adult, If it's not fair, we got to call out the person that's not being fair. And my man was not being fair. She asked, how do I move forward with this without causing harm to my marriage? This is the first thing
I'm going to say, and I'm not judging. I'm just telling you, based on my perspective, your marriage was in trouble when you guys decided to not do everything collectively. When one person in a marriage says, yo, I'll be ready when it's my time, you don't have the right to ask me or discuss that. That's a problem. So now this bigger problem can only be solved by solving that problem. First. Let's come to say, babe, let's come
to the table. Let's put everything out on the table so we know we're working with If we're not going to work like that, and you want to treat me like a separate business partner that doesn't have to disclose his finances, then I'm going to treat you like that same business partner, which means when the profits come in, I don't have to share it. I'm only matching your energy. Now, if you want to be business partners and you want to be a fully invested married couple, let's start here.
If not, and this is the way you want to continue, I'm going to move like a soul entity by myself. And if he doesn't like that, then there's bigger conversations of whether or not y'all even want to be in business together or married because me personally, and once again I'm not judging them, but if a dollar come in here and you say to me, well, this is just and I don't got to talk to you about it, I'm gonna have a problem because I do the same thing.
When I come in with all my money, I'm like, hey, this is what we got, this is how we're using because there's only one way for us to plan, and that's.
Together, to plan together.
Man, That's the first that I've witnessed it how money can completely divide a married couple completely by even just separating finances and just not even be on the same accord.
Everybody moving and they own you know, it's just it's a recipe for the disaster. So I think that that was very, very passionate about what he said. And listen, he could have just kept his mouth shut and just reaped the benefits of her in a business too. Because y'all are married coming back together, essentially it should be one household. But I understand that everybody functions that way.
And they're still young. It still sounds to me as if his ego is getting involved. I'm the man. I want to control my finances though, you know what I'm saying.
Seventeen thirteen years married, for kids, I get it.
It's still in late twenties going on. But this is stuff that they can work out if they continue talk about it, for sure.
All right, rolling around to the last one.
Let's see if I can attempt this here, babe, and if if I struggle, you know, the words start floating.
Around the page.
Gotcha, you know I'm gonna tag you in, all right, Haykadina de val Hope all as well. I've been a supporter from back when I was in college and you posted videos in the Brooklyn Apartment. I love how people talk about the Brooklyn Department like it's a whole set okay.
I absolutely love you, both your family and your book. We over me. It's helped me think about my relationship in a new way and opened up room for conversations I never thought about having. Now let's get into it. I love that. That's what it's about. Have you gotten your book? Have you gotten your book? Get your book.
My boyfriend and I have been together for five and a half years. When I met him, he had his own apartment, his own car, and was making over one hundred k a year. He checked all the boxes and everything seemed just fine. Fast forward to a year and a half into our relationship, and I noticed that he had a gambling problem, specifically with sports betting on apps
like fundual FanDuel. I noticed bad habits like driving to different states such as Pennsylvania or back home to New York, where both of our families still live, because the sports betting apps at the time were not legal in the DMV area. I told him if he didn't stop, then I couldn't be with him because it was getting out of hand. He broke down, was upset, and promised to stop gambling because he couldn't see a future without me. Fast forward to year four, I thought he'd stop gambling,
but he just became really good at hiding it. One day, he became extremely angry and was yelling and throwing a fit because he lost four thousand dollars from gambling. He had a long discussion. We had a long discussion, and I found out he is sixty k in credit card debt from his gambling habits.
Wow.
I was furious when I found out and tried to help him by creating a budget tracker for all his expenses. He ended up getting rid of his car, moving back to New York with his mom, and living paycheck to paycheck because of the ridiculous credit card bills. Besides the gambling, He's a great guy. I will just never get it out of my head, the fact that he has this problem. I'm currently twenty seven and he's twenty nine. I think
about our future often and I'm stuck. I want marriage and kids, and I personally know I'm ready for the next step. Unfortunately, my boyfriend's financial situation pushes my desires of marriage and motherhood back a few years. I consider myself old fashioned, meaning no kids before a ring, and I'm not shacking up with him. Man, unless he's paying
the rent and mortgage. Clearly he is unable to give me these things right now, and I'm unsure how long it will take until he is in a better financial situation. I'm honestly conflicted because I truly hope he has not gambled recently due to his current financial situation. But then again, I just never know. I don't know if I'm a fool in love hoping he will change, or should I wait to see if he actually changes and gets his finances in order. My question is, do you believe I'm
doing more harm by waiting? Or are these clear red flags? And I'm being naive? Signed a confused twenty seven year old Wow, very well written.
She gave us the full scope. See thousand dollars in debt on a credit card devello.
Yo, yo, I ain't even gonna hold you, bro.
Ain't no amount of gambling in the world. See, I can't relate, So I don't understand. I've never had a gambling issue. I don't understand it.
So this is important to say. Gambling is a vice, just like alcoholism, just like drugs, just like sex. Right, people don't become addicted to the gambling more than they do. The adrenaline rush and the dopamine hit they get when they win. Right. But the problem is is then gambling you typically lose way more than you win, so you end up chasing that adrenaline rush of dopamine and you continuously throw money at it hoping you find it. It's no different than an addiction right to alcohol or drugs.
This is what I will say. You can't hope for him to change. He has to decide that he no longer wants this vice to have a hold or grab on his life. If he hasn't made that decision on his own, you can't force him. If he hasn't made this decision on his own, he will always choose that vice, or that vice will always choose him over her, and she'll forever feel like I'm second place in his life.
Meaning I don't think that you're a bad person or you're dumb if you're waiting, but just know that you're waiting for someone who hasn't decided yet to put you as a priority, or has he.
Seen the issue, because some people don't even see that they have an issue.
Well, well, based on what she's saying, there's more than just one issue, there's the issue at hand. Then you have sixty thousand dollars in credit card debt. Then you also lost your apartment, so you have to you're living with your mom. He has a lot of things that he needs to deal with before he's even healthy enough to be in a relationship. She has to decide if she wants to wait or do she wants to get married sooner than later. You know what I would do.
I wouldn't just dispose of him, but I wouldn't put my life in intimacy on hold. What if someone else who checks all the boxes but also it's considering me a priority comes along. Am I going to block that blessing because I want this person? Maybe God is telling you that this person.
Maybe that's the bigger message in it, because she did say, am I avoiding clear red flags? That could be a red flas or several at this point? So I agree. I agree, But this is hard. It's hard when you know that you love someone, you care for them, like you can see a clear future with them, and you just know, like, man, if you just fix this one little thing here, you know, things could be so perfect. And unfortunately that's not even your cross to bearses real, it's not.
It's not really not. And I feel like her saying, like I've tried, I'm trying to talk. There's no talking to a person right. Oh no, I'm gonna say this, and I'm glad we're talking about this, especially going to the end of the year. Right. I see people say all the time, what was Sierra's prayer? Right? Like? What
was it? Some people said, well, I want to know what Kadeen's prayer was or and God's be like, what did you do to get Kadeen to start doing I said, guys, I didn't do anything to get Kadeen to start doing nothing. Kadeen didn't pray anything to get me to start acting a certain way. I had to decide that I wanted to be the husband and I am four k She had to decide she wanted to be the wife. She wants to be for me, and if those things work
in synergy, then we have a good marriage. Me hoping or praying or talking or demanding certain things.
Ultimatum, if she doesn't want to do it.
She's not doing it. If this man don't want to stop gambling, it don't matter what you do, he's going to learn how to hide it better until he gets caught. So if it's me, I'm like, look, let him decide on his own time. But in that interim, you don't stop living your life. Thank you.
Yep, I agree the ghosts. Hope that helps you know what right back in and let us know how it goes.
I want to know.
I love a touch base too, because you listen when y'all continue to write and for listen letters. If we've discussed letter and you feel free to write back in and say, y'all you know you address my letter, here's an update, or y'all were spot on, or guys, y'all had this wrong or out this detail.
I'm not above a follow up.
Okay, follow up, And as we go into a new season in a new year, please continue to write into us.
We really, really thoroughly enjoy hearing from you, guys.
We love engaging with you in this way and it adds so much more to our show.
Because we look forward to the listen letter portion.
So continue to write in to be featured as part of a listener letter segment. Email us at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com.
That's D E A D A S S A D v I. C. E at gmail dot com.
Moment of truth time and my moment of truth is always very consistent when it comes to listen letter portions because we always geared towards what the show is about, and for this one being listener letters, I just always want to give you guys your flowers right and thank you all for your loyalty and for your support and for spreading the word and continuing to love on the Elliss The Ellis Family, Dead Ass Podcast. So many things
that we have to offer you, guys. We're always looking to grow and evolve as a couple, as individuals, as content creators. You know, we just thoroughly love and enjoy and so appreciate the support that you guys have shown
us over the years. I smile every time someone tells us when they started following us on this journey, whether it was from YouTube or the Brooklyn Apartment or Black Love, or they just found out about us through sisters or you know, there's so many different avenues that you guys have tagged along with us on this journey, So we thank you make it that much sweeter and we cannot do it without you guys. So as we end out
the year. All the best to you guys, all the best to your families, and thank you for continuing to love on the eelesns.
Yes, ma'am, I appreciate that. Baby on Mine is simple. Take what we say with a grain of salt. We are not experts. All we are doing is providing a different perspective for your already life, your already existing life. On. What we say isn't always right, what we say isn't always wrong. Hopefully what we say just give you a different look at it, can see it from a different side, and just continue to think about how to make your
life better. So if we said something that you disagree with, don't feel like, oh if the val and Kadeena doing this, this must be right and I must be wrong. No, we can damn well very much be wrong to effect. Just take whatever we say with a grant of salt. We hope that we've entertained you during this process, but we hope that we've enlightened you to just see things differently. That's my moment of truth. With listening letters, I love y'all.
I appreciate y'all taking the time writing in and also loving on us as well.
Oh for sure, all right, and for the last time this year until a new year. Be sure to find us on Patreon to see exclusive dead Ask podcast video content, as well as more Ellis family content. You guys are seeing how much the boys are growing. It's insane.
It's insane, and be sure to buy your tickets if you have not yet Love Against the World holiday season time listen. It's a great stock and stuff for yes, it's a great let me buy to take it in since somebody the screenshot because we go in type of vibes, date night, whatever it is, girls' night, guys night. I always say that y'all should be bringing out droves of single men, single women.
Y'all ask about the dating scene.
We don't know what it looks like, but bring your people to the show.
I'm sure we can have some mix and mingling going on there.
So buy your tickets now for the Love Against the World tour in the city near you, and continue to follow us on social media.
Dead Ass the podcast. You can find me at Kadeen I Am.
And I Am devou and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe, and most importantly, for the last time of the year. Last, but not least, make sure you get your copy of We Over Me, The Counterintuitive approach to getting everything you want out of your relationship. Remember to love on each other. This book is available everywhere books are sold. Also, the audible is available,
and remember this. Kadeen and I Love you. Yes, we will be away from the podcast decks for the next two weeks, but you can still keep up with us on Patreon. Like a d say, we will still have the after show, we will still have de Vous Truth, we will still have All day Care, and we will still have all things Deadass Podcast Live show to prepare you for the show that's coming in February.
Baby, for sure, we love y'all.
Have a happy New Year, have a happy end of this year.
Yes, we love y'alls.
Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network, and it's produced by Donor Opinya and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and never miss a Thing.