Life Ain't The Same After 3 Whole Boys!

And if you told me that I was going to have a whole baby in a blow up pool in our bedroom, out to tell you hell no, but you did it. I did it. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the Ellis. You may know us from posting funny videos with our boys and eating each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need derby most days. And one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,

we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of the live's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about. Through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. Where we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take philow Talk to

a whole new levels starts now. I remember one time in particular, I was taking Jackson to school, and this was when you and I were having an argument in the morning, and me and Jackson, that's our time in the morning, the two of us, we have our handshake where we don't even listen to the radio so much. We just talked and I prepare him right, and he was getting ready for first grade, you know. So we're on our way to school, and we had done this.

It was probably about in November, so we had had our routine already, and we're on our way to school and there's no music playing, and it's just quiet because you and I was arguing that morning and I didn't feel like talking to nobody. I was just trying to regroup from the argument we had. And Jackson is just quiet, and he normally asked a munch of questions, but I could tell he was quiet. He could sense that something

was happening. He heard us debating, and typically We tried to not argue in front of the children, but this was one of those moments where it's like he had to get to school. We were in transit, like I was getting him ready, you were trying get him out the door. So he overheard, of course, what we were arguing about. So for me, I was like, let me just focus on getting him to school so that I can come back and we can finish discussing what we

were talking about. So we get to school and we were a little bit late because you and I were arguing, so we didn't get a chance to do our handshake. And he pulled. We pull up and Jack's like, hey, Dad, we got doing hands and I'm like, yo, you gotta get out. You gotta go to school. So that he just looked at me. Then he jumped out, went and got to school right, and I envy you guys handshake. It's really cute. We got out, We got our handshake. They have a whole routine. So he gets our goals

to school. Now you and I talk, everything is over. We don't you know, everything is fine. We're not even more focused on it. And I always picked Jackson up from school. So this day, same day, I go to school, I go to pick Jackson up, and he normally runs out full speed, comes and jumps in my arm. And today the door opens and he's one of the last to come out, and he just walks out, and I'm like, what's up, Bro's what's the matter? How was school? And he looked at me and he said, Daddy, are you

still mad at me? No? And at that point all I could think was wow, how like? How did I like? I must be the worst person in the world. You only have one job as a parent, and that's to make sure that your children are prepared to be as successful and productive as they can be. So, you know, his little self was definitely at school all all day. And that's Jackson's personality in general, Like he's such a

like caring sensitive kids. So I know he was at school thinking all day Daddy is probably mad at me? And I was so I was so hurt because I was like, yo, it really had nothing to do with him at all. But he spent all day in school, six seven hours thinking what did I do to make Daddy mad at me? Know? And it had nothing to do with him. And it was at that point that I realized that I have to change the way I project what I'm going through on the people around me.

Somebody's sleeping and a baby our bit, somebody's taking my place, a baby mad maybe he's even in my bad Oh my god. And you know I got just what mad Man. Babies. We got baby sleeping and babies everywhere. We got this baby is everywhere and feet in the face, sleeping, cross way sideways. We call our kids kung Fu pandas because they literally like sleep like they're doing karate. First of all, shout out to True Hill, because I don't think you

knew when you were making that song. You was making that song about our life as Millennia, parents, parents, kids all in the damn bed right, and today we're talking about kids. Did kids change us? For better or for worse? So so give me a way you think that the kids have changed your life like or our lives? It can be either. Um. One thing that I definitely know for sure, especially with my three boys, that they've taught

me how to be careful of what I project. Because when you're when you're dating someone, they're an adult and you you know, you're like, oh, she's a grown up. I'm a grown up she can handle it. Blah blah blah blah blah. When you have children, they literally learned everything in their life by watching you. So I've become very careful of the energies I projected in the household as soon as I walk in. You know what I'm saying, what's going on in your day or your world or

with us? Absolutely, I've learned that when I walk in the house, I am not going to bring the outside world into my home because my kids have nothing to do with the outside world. So no matter how upset I am about my gym, my agent, my manager, my family, whatever else going on side, when I come in the house, I'm gonna have a smile on my face and I'm gonna I'm gonna let the children receive me and with

that energy. Because that energy that I bring in the house, and I learned this that carries from day to day. When I used to walk in and I have a bad day, I noticed the kids would be very quiet. Mum, you know what I'm saying. They wouldn't be around. I would hear whispers in the kitchen Daddy was Mommy was wrong with daddy? And I'm just like, nothing is wrong with me. I had a bad day, like, why can't

people just come around and you're like you. I realized early that my energy is really what starts the house, is energy as the father. So I have to kind of remove that before I walk in and come in with a clear conscience and let the energy be what it is. Yeah, which is so hard to do sometimes because you're human and it's hard. Sometimes you have to be able to turn that switch on you. It's really hard. Um.

I don't know. Something that comes to mind for me when I think about how the kids have changed me, Um, doing what we do, you know, being on social media, having to produce content at this point, Um, being content creators. I have to remember to live and be present in the moment more. I had an example for an example.

We had this instant one time where Jackson had come home from school and he was telling me a story about something that had happened, and I really was not listening to him, to be honest, Like he was talking and I was kind of like, yeah, yeah, okay, buddy, Yeah yeah, okay, buddy, And he had asked me a question in the midst of telling the story, and I was like, would you say, buddy, and he's like, my, Mommy, I told you the whole story. And I was just like, okay,

tell me the story again. And then he tells me the story and then he tells me the story again, and I still wasn't listening to him. What were you doing. I was probably in the middle of having to post something, and you know, I was doing something answering an email. And at that moment he was like, forget it, mom, You're not even listening to me, and he walked away like instant race car cry. I was so sad. I was like, what am I doing? You do that to me all the time. And when I tell you that

you don't ever care, that's not true. That is true. But that's that's a good way that the kids have changed you. That's a good way you learned to listen. Uh. You know, any times I told you stuff and that after you' never say that. They never say that you don't keeping receipts with you because I would tell I'm keeping I would tell you some time, and I was like, you never told me that case. You never told me that case. The same way you don't check our calendar.

What was the sinking a calendar if you're not gonna look at the calendar. I gotta think at the calendar when I can ask you what I gotta do. I got to watch stuff to remember. You're so annoying anyway. I felt so badly in that moment. I was like, I was not even listening to this baby because why we were all just consumed with my phone or something that probably could have waited while he told me the five minute story that he had to tell me, well maybe like six or seven, because he'd be taking so

long to get these stories out. Sometimes I'm like, Jackson, you tell stories just like my brother in law Brian, the worst storyteller ever in life. Um, but yeah, so that had me thinking like, yo, I need to be way more present in the household, present in the moment. That's why sometimes too, you'll be like, oh, I posted the video, did you see, And I'm like, no, I didn't see, because I'm literally trying to live in the moment with the kids, and I want to enjoy those

moments because they grow so fast. Like people say it all the time and it just sounds like, oh, yeah,

kids grow fast. No, they legitimately grow fast, And I want to be more involved and more invested in those moments and take the time, which we've consciously done now even doing social media work where okay, we'll record for a couple of minutes and then we'll put the phones away, just to make sure that the kids are not going to be, you know, feeling like the camera's always in their face, for example, or that we're just not listening

to them and what they need. Um. So yeah, that's one thing that I definitely had taken away from my experiences so far, even with Jackson and the kids, is just really enjoying that time with them. Well, one thing, I'll say, the way the kids have changed my life. Number two, Yes, I have another one. The way the kids have changed my life. Man Um, they have taught me how to accept sex whichever way I can get it, however way I can. You know what's funny, I was

thinking that I thought about the pantry. I'm even talking. I'm talking about the other day with Cairo, when I'm trying to get the quickie and it's the middle of a day, me and k haven't done it in a minute. It's the middle of a day, and dude just keep coming in the bedroom. So I'm giving him stuff to give to Jackson, and I'm like, hey, give us, give us to your brother right now, and stay in the living room. Do not come back going to live room right now. So then I give him something and I'm

starting to get into my groove. I'm getting into my grooving and boom, I'm like, hey, didn't I tell you to give didn't He's like, I gave it already. So I'm like, yo, here you see you see this? Give the remote. Count, go to your brother and count and then I hear him. I hear him going there, and he's in there and he's just like one, two, and then Jackson's just like what are you doing? He's like Daddy said, Count, and then Jackson's like they're probably doing things.

And I'm like, okay, we gotta hurry up because if Jackson realized what we're doing, when she's about to bust on this motherfucker like now this door and be like, guys, I'm going to best spy and I'm getting y'all the TV because y'all aboard. Let hurry up there, hurry up. There're like fine, fine, fine, let's let's go, let's go. And the thing is we can't even concentrate. We can't concentrate.

I got one parent leg off, one parent leg going, I got the blanket wrapped around half my thigh and like I'm doing it, and I'm standing right at the door the whole time, like I'm just doing it and standing at the door. That just goes to show how the male and female body is different. Because I can't even function and concentrate, but he can still do this

with all the other things. I'm a pro, all right, But that's that's the kids have changed me to be like, you know what, if it's going to take this uh to two minutes quickly to get this in, IM gonna have to do it because shit, if somebody else walking this room. Oh number two for your business, um number two. With how the children if they've really made me hold myself way more accountable when it comes to getting stuff done, because I think I told you before, I am such

a procrastinator. I'll be waiting till the last minute to do a lot of things all the time. Though I will say, like I said, my best work is one it's you know, last minute, But no, with kids, it's it's totally different because you know they will call you when your ship like you said X Y Z, and I'd be like, damn, I did say that, you know. So making sure that I am getting things done and I'm cognizant of what I say and I am holding myself accountable when Jackson will hold me accountable to and

be like, girl, you have to get it done. Um. And that makes me more efficient And I think this as a person in general, and it forces me to kind of stay on track with things and get things done more efficiently. So Um, that's definitely another way that parenthood had helped me because honestly, there everything is depending on us. So if I can't, you know, get my

stuff together, then what exactly are we doing here? So the last and final way that my children have changed me for the better, my children have showed me how much I've forgotten throughout life that I need to know. For example, common core mathematics. Sit down with a second grade and try to do that homework. Sit down with him and try to do his homework. You're gonna be You're gonna be wane to slap the ship out of his teacher. And you're gonna be like why what, Like

why don't I know this? Like? Oh, perfect example, Jackson asked me the other day. He comes to me very studious, I'm daddy, we don't have a globe in the house. And I'm just like, no, we don't. He's like, why don't we have a globe. I'm like, I don't know, Jackson, where you plan on going? All right? You go to school and you come home. What you need to go for it? He's like, well, my homework says I need to know where the primary ridian is. Where's the primary ridian?

I'm like, shit, I had to know this. No, this is why you don't help No, this is why you don't help him. With no, I feel a certain kind of stuf. It's the mind that divides the globe in half something. So you have the equator and then you have the primary readian. And the only reason why I know this is because I slowly on the side google that ship while I was deflecting him from asking for expecting the answer right away, and I was like, you

know what it's It's sad. You was in school all day, right and you don't know what the primar ridian is. So he was just like what I said, you know what you do? I need you to go over there right now and think about what the prime. I'm gonna give you thirty seconds. And then on my right hand, I'm like over here, like where is the prime meridian? And I'm like, go over there for thirty seconds to think about where the primar Readian is? So did He

looked confused and he turned around. He's like the primary PM. So then I saw it, not googled it, and it's right off the tip of Africa and the crosses right by the equator, right underneath the little cup of Africa. And then when he came back, he was like, you know what it's sad. I was like, you know what it's said, Jackson, you don't know that the primarridian and the equator cross right by Africa because you're black and you part of African. Know your roots. That's what I

told you, know your roots. Go, finish your homework, go and you better be paying attention to school and stop listening to these kids talking about why they ain't no Santa Claus. I flipped that whole ship. That's what you do as a parent. I flipped that whole ship. And now he's like, my dad, Mads smart, he knew all that, and he knew that Santa Claus. Is you lucky I wasn't there, because I'd be like, let's plan a family

trip to the Prime Meridian. Where's that at. I'm always looking for a v K. Give me all the things. It's in the middle of the ocean. It's in the middle of the see. Yeah, all right, So we're gonna get in the yacht off the coast. It's going to cost me money, and we're going to be right or on the Primary Meridian whatever. I mean, the closer to the equator I am, the better. My tan is so gosh so and I think lastly, my children have shown me that I have a strength that I did not

know I had. If anybody told me that I was gonna get a midwife have a baby in my house, that you were gonna help me flip the baby in utero, because remember at one points facing the wrong way, and my midwife was like, listen, I'm gonna give you all some exercises to do, and this baby is gonna flip by the grace of God. And he sure did. Like like she said, she knew my body down to a t, which was amazing. And I had this baby at home in our back in a pool in our room with

our family and friends around. You were able to document it. Had you told me that before, I would have been like hell to the all um. But you find a strength that you thought you like, you never would have imagined when you have children, and you continue to remind yourself about the badass that you were when you have those kids to then say, you know what, I can do almost anything as a mom, as a woman, as a wife, anything talk about I don't even got nothing

to say about that. That's the truth. I've seen you do some some things in the last ten years as a as a husband, and I'm just proud of you. I feel like my children changed me for the better. They changed me for because you know why, because children are unapologetically they are as raw as they come. They are super honest, They're a little sponges. They pick up everything, they pick up germs, and they say everything how they're feeling. They say. I think there's a lot to learn from

kids in that circumstance, like communicating effectively. Absolutely absolutely so. Tell me when I first told you about Jackson being pregnant with Jackson rather because we had just gotten married, we were on our honeymoon in Jamaica and came back as three. What went through your head when I was like, Hey, we're about to be parents. Hope it's a boy. That's the first thing that came to my mind. And I hope it's a boy. I just want someone to pass

off the Ella's name too. I want somebody that that can I can just do all the things that I wanted to do as a as a young kid and a man. I wanted to be able to just pass it on to him. So that was my first thing. Is I hope it's a boy. I thought the opposite. I was like, I want this baby to be healthy.

Please Lord, I thank you for this blessing, and I need this baby to be healthy, because it's different as a woman carrying a child, you don't want your body to do anything but nurture and and grow this baby to be a healthy human being. Girl a boy. So when people say, oh, you want a girl a boy, Oh I want a healthy baby, it's not cliche at all. No,

it's not. It is legitimate, like you are just hoping to do every single right thing because you feel like from that moment of conception, you want to do every single thing in your power change or that you're doing every single thing right. Every doctor child, every doctor's trip was like, let's you know, let's make sure if he's going to remember. One of the first doctor trips to Solograham was like, well, his foot seems to be a

little off, may have a clubbed foot. Yeah, this is our five month anatomy, right, And then he showed and it was severely clubbed. And you know, my first thing is a dad and this is full transparency. As a dad, you like, I want my son to be a beast athlete. You know, I'm an athlete and retired NFL athlete. My son has to be an athlete. He has to be big, strong, fast,

he has to be able to compete. So now you find out that he may be born with what maybe a disability depending on the severity of the club foot. The first thing is like, man like, all right, well, you know we're gonna have to you know, we're gonna have to get through this. We're gonna find a way. I asked the doctor immediately, like you know, what what does that mean? Right? And and me I begin to backtrack and I'm just like what did I do cause my baby don't have a club, like, did I sleep wrong?

You know what I mean? Did I not take my prenatals as early as I thought I should? So so many? Did you the baby? One time? She thought she boiled the baby. She got in the bathtub. This is when I was pregnant with Cairo, y'all. I thought that. You know, I took a bath because my body just felt so achy. I was maybe four or five months pregnant, and I normally take a really hot bath or a really hot shower. So I got into the tub and I'm relaxing in

the towel for maybe like about ten fifteen minutes. The water was super hot. I got out. My stomach felt a little weird. So I'm in the bedroom and trying to hold it together because now the ass jumped on Google, which I was about to say, she does what everybody does. Something happens. I'm doing all sorts of ship when they tell you, oh you have this is that wrong? Oh you know you're probably got everything. You're probably gonna die. Yes,

she thinks she's gonna die. That's what she thought. So I'm in the bed after Google and Deval comes home from work and he walks into the bedroom and he's like, I'm sure you can instantly tell something. What's wrong with you holding your stomach naked? She just naked on the beholding the stomach with the ship face on. Yeah, like what happened? And I was like, I think I boiled the baby. I'm like what She's like, Oh, I took

a bath and I went online and too hot. I literally like proceeded to get a thermometer and like put it in the bathwater to see what temperature was that all sorts of crazy ships happening. This is how crazy she got. She refilled the bathtub with what she assumed was the temperature she first sat in, so that in itself was just not accurate. Let me just refill the bathtub. She got a thermometer, put the thermometer in the water.

I was taking my body temperature. I was like, we're just gonna cool off, but the baby doesn't know how to cool off. It was all sorts of stuff. I'm being my normal self and I'm like, you're right, you need to put some ice cubes up there. She's like shut up, and I'm like, well, you made to relax, And of course, you know, I paid my doctor and she is like, no, Kady, I think you'll be fine. And I'm like, okay, She's like you were in a jacuzzi tub for a long period of times. I'm like,

all right, fine. But that just goes to say, when you're pregnant for the first time, there's so many different variables second time, right, or any pregnancy. Let's put that out there. Um, but you know, planning to have children was intentional for each child. Jackson was definitely intentional. I mean at that point we had been dating and we were married, Um, so we knew on the honeymoon we wanted to try and sometimes it happens quickly for couples,

sometimes it doesn't. So we were kind of like, all right, well, let's just get off our control and see what happens. And just like that happened boom, and we were pregnant with Jackson. Should just keep shooting, you know what I'm saying, Curry, I'm out of hand, just raining buckets buckets. Switch Kiro was actually planned as well, but the difference between the two was that Kyra wasn't happening as fast. So I

you know, being a woman, you understand your body. You know, you kind of have that gut feeling when something is not right. And I had gotten my i U D taken out and I was like, all right, we're gonna try for this second baby. Um. And you know, we were trying for a couple of months and nothing was happening. So seeing as though Jackson happened so quickly, I was like, well, something is going wrong. Why it's not that big a deal.

Let's just keep trying. Yeah, Because for devel I was just like, we're just gonna keep having more sex and that just all that means. And I was like, no, I legitimately feel like something is wrong here. Um. So, unbeknownst to Develo, I called my doctor and I was like, girl, here's the full one. One. We've been trying since May I think at that point, and it was November, and I was like, nothing's happening, and she's like, well, let's

just do some investigation. Will start the first round of what happens when someone suspects that they're not fertile anymore. So I went in for an exam, calling hCG. And that's when they pretty much lay down your awake. During the procedure, you have an X ray machine over your uterus and they pump die into you. So once the die goes in, it kind of illuminates on the screen so you can see how the diet is flowing, and it checks for any blockage, scar tissues, things like that.

And I'm loosely telling you, guys. I'm no a co professional, but I'm loosely telling you my understanding of what it was and what I experienced. So we can see the die going through, and it gets through to my fallopian tubes and one tube it was slowly kind of trickling through. I think it was on the right side, but on the left side we realized I had blockage. So that was probably a lot of the reason why, depending on what side I was ovulating on, the sperm was not

able to get through. And at that point the doctor said to me, you know, ms Ellis, what I can do is try to flush your tubes. I'm gonna give a nice forceful push, which was hooper painful. You don't even have a universe. What do you feel it? Right? You know? So he pumped the die through like a really forceful gush. The pain was excruciating. It was like severe cramping um. But then we saw the die flush right through the tubes, and at that point I was like,

thank God. I was praying so hard. I was like, please, I need this to work. Women put up with a lot, yo, yo. Let me let me tell you something, gentlemen. And I've watched my wife give birth three times, and men always ask me, you know, like when we talk about the sex stuff, like, you know, how is it with you your girl man with sex? I said, this is I'm

gonna tell you. Why watch your women go through what it takes to produce a child, have have a baby, uh, nurse a baby, deliver a child, prepare for her reproductive organs. I watched k go through some stuff over the last ten years, which makes it a little bit easier for me to say, you know what, she don't feel like having sex tonight. I can rock with it because I never had my tubes flushed. I've never been lacerated in my cervix two. I never had to almost get a

blood transfusion after my first child. I never had to get it upper dural like like there was so many's, so many things that women go through with this whole process that it makes you respect where they are with their bodies when they say they don't want to have sex at a certain point, and this is the truth, guys. To be honest, it's easy for me to say, you know, we don't have a sex, all right. I could rock with it because because nothing changes for the guys, like

nothing changes for y'all. Nothing, and there's so many things that change for us. And you know, once I left that doctor's appointment and he flushed my tubes, he literally looked at me and he was like, congratulations with Ellis. He's like, you'll be pregnant in like a week or so. He's like, give yourself twenty four hours and go for it. And I was like, all right, thanks, I'll give it a try. And it was like draining up in them tube.

Let me tell you because well, I told the val he said forty eight hours, because I knew he's gonna be ready to jump my bones after so I wanted to give myself the extra rest. Date about the whole story. Unbeknownst to the val, I called my doctor. He said, yeah, no, I called my doctor because I'm like, I know my body something he's not right. And then this doctor told me to wait twenty four hours. I waited forty eight and literally we were out at a New Year's party.

I had the procedure on the second of January and I was probably pregnant pregnant with Cairo by January four. Like legitt it that fast it happened. So shout out to that doctor who did my exam for me, and to my doctor and held my hand through that procedure. It's important to say, especially in our community, go to the doctor. If you feel like something is not right, go see a doctor. Absolutely, you don't have to say, oh, you know, okay, I'm probably gonna get some slack for this,

but oh we'll pray on it. No, there are medical professionals who know these things that can help you. And guess what, God created the medical professional so you can pray on it and then go to the un Because I bring the whole way through that procedure. So and and if we hadn't going to the doctor, we wouldn't have our last two because the block it came from mucus. That development, yeah, wouldn't have happened. No, it wouldn't have

happened in that circumstance. So um so yeah. And also to making sure that you are having a doctor who will be an advocate for you and will listen to you, which is extremely important, especially for women of color who are having children, who are having you know, pregnancies and childbirth. There are too many black and brown women dying during childbirth and pregnancy, and that is an issue and my midwife and I talked about it all the time, and

I need to have her on the show. Part of the reason why we ended up having a home birth with Kaz was because we almost lost Dean with Jackson. She was lacerated and she was bleeding out when Jackson was born the epidural she got stuck three times with the job and everything and you know, rushing me into surgery. I had to get like twenty seven stitches in my service. It was crazy. It was crazy, And that might be low key in part why we had waited so long

between Cairo and Jackson. It was at I'm not going to lot as a husband. After Jackson came out fine and Kay was fine, I did at one point saying to myself, like, I am not having no more. If that's what I might have almost lost my partner. I'm like, no, I'm not with it. Like we were good here. First of all the epidural scared me because she had to

get stuck three times. And you know they always out these stories about when women say something don't feel right in the doctors or just like no, you did something else. We went through that. The woman stuck Codeine. She's like, you moved and I was like, yo, she didn't move. Also, gentlemen, you have to be involved with this process. I was there next to Codeine when just when they took Jackson out,

they rushed Jackson because he had the club foot. That's rushed Jackson out and Cadine is sitting there and she's fading in and out, and I'm like, yo, everybody left the room and it's just me and Condeine, and I'm like, how you feeling? Babies uh? And I'm like, yo, you're right, you're right. I go down to the bottom to see if everything's are right, and she was bleeding out. Had I not gone down there to check and then say, ma, can you come? And I called my doctor over real

quick and everything she was on it. She was on it. But had I not called her mom and her mom, not being a nurse, look down there and say something doesn't look right. Everybody was gone, and it's important that you know, as a man, you you make sure that your woman is good, and if she says she's not good, you flip over every table in that hospital, and so somebody and say, Yo, my wife or my girlfriend says she not good, somebody better come in here, because you

have to be your own advocate. You have to be our own advocate. Um. But preparing for Jackson versus preparing for like Cairo and then kids who kind of came out of nowhere on the back to back, you know, the first child you're always extra prepared for. I feel like even just down to like the registry and having a shower, Like we got so much love and so much support from family and friends, and you're kind of overprepared for that child, you know, making sure you have

every single baby item. And right now it's insane to see the baby market and how many contractions are out

there for kids. Um. But aside from just those, you know, material things, you want to make sure that you as a parent are on the same accord or as a potential parent with your spouse, you know, or if you're co parenting with someone, you both have to be on the same accord about what kind of values you're instilling in your children, your parenting styles and how it may be different how you were raised then can impact you being a parent to your children and or raising boys

versus girls. Like, there's so many different things that go into being a parent, and I feel like with Jackson, you know, we definitely had conversations about what we wanted for our children in terms of like, you know, type of schooling or you know, core values and morals and sharpening that moral contest that your children are going to have. Those are conversations at the Val and I had early on. So we were kind of on the same accord, even though our parenting styles tend to be a bit different

at times. Yeah, I mean our parenting styles were different, but you know what changes every time we have a child also is socio economic situation. We were in a completely different space when we had Jackson, then when we had and then even when we had cats. Also, you learn so much from having one child to the next that you become a little bit more prepared without having to prepare, you know, Like for example, with Jackson, we didn't have any baby stuff. You know, we had a

room for him, so we had a baby shower. Our families helped, and we had an abundance of things, but we had two and three and four of things that we didn't need. Then we learned early with Jackson that kids grow so fast that you have so many two months old clothes and now was four months and he didn't wear anything because you don't take the baby anywhere. So we learned how to manipulate what we needed as opposed to what we wanted, in turn saving money to

saving money. And also because we were in different phases and lives, like of course, when we had Cairo, it was five years later. We had more money, so we were able to to do a little bit more and plan better. And then when we had cats, it was immediately fifteen months later. So everything we had from Cairo we just used for cars because they were both right, poor cats, like everybody's hand me down. Yeah, we had

all of the stuff that Cairo didn't even wear. That's true, because we did have a lot of We had a bunch of stuff. It's not poor cast I feel or whoever is the child who doesn't have anything, but this

kid had all of the stuff that Cairo never used. Absolutely, and I'm very very conscious about when our babies out growth things um, where there's appliances or you know, things, I'm passing it down to the next mom who may need it, you know, like things are never just going, you know, in the garbage, like we're always recycling because someone can always benefit from that. UM. But preparing that is different for every child, depending on where you are

financially and what number of the child is. Also with second child, so things are very different and also too, I feel like being able to juggle the children where everyone feels like they get their time, is always something that we kind of struggle with but we are cognizant of, because you never want one child to feel like you know, for example, you hear about the middle child syndrome that always happens, and I always say Cairo will be the

middle child, Like no middle child left behind, because no child, you know, I hear from people. Let let's say, like the old I'm a middle child and I felt like I was overlooked. And I feel like it's funny the dynamics of our children and their personalities because Cairo's personality as our middle child, he is so vibrant and so full of life and so demanding that he's gonna be like, I'll be damned if you'll overlook me, because this is

what's happening. You know, if there was anybody I was concerned about, it was Jackson because we went from Cairo right to cast and that was a lot of time. That is, you you have to spend with two kids. They're almost like twins, so you get one, I get one, and then there's Jackson Jackson. Jackson was by himself for so long, so Jackson was getting it from everybody, like he was the the only nephew and grandchild on my side, you know, on your side of the family too. He

was like the next grandchild, you know, after you. But then they diden came right after Jackson, so he could share that. And the thing is, Jackson's personality is very different. You know, he's a very giving soul, so I don't think he was fighting for attention from anyone. But what you did that I learned very quickly, was you made sure that everybody got a day. So, for example, Kate plans a day where both the youngest kids, Kyro and Kasa with her mom and we just take Jackson for

the whole day. Then there's a day where Jackson is with my brother, and then Kaz with her mom, and then Cayro gets his own day with mommy and daddy, and we try to rotate so that they never feel like I always have to do stuff with my brother right right right, because that mommy guilt. I mean, it's a bit like what is mommy gilt? What is that mommy gilt? Is when you feel like you are never

doing enough for each child or even your husband. You know, I had the mommy and the wife guilt all the time, and then I start to feel the guilt for Cadean guil, Like where does Cadein fall in this whole mix of being condemed the individual who's not the mom and the wife. Well, I mean I feel like I do. I feel like I do a good job of saying, babe, you need some time, let me take the It's literally like a

tag team here, Like it's like wrestling. I'm like, yo, tag me out, tag me in, Like when we can tell when the other needs Sometimes, so sometimes I'll take all three kids and I'll either like go do an activity with them or go to a family member so that we can just take time, whether it's to sleep, to think, you know, to take a ship in peace, like sometimes you don't tell you definitely just need that. And your parents and your parents and my brother and

my parents. We have a very strong village of people who are willing to take our children. We could not do any of this without the family, Like we could not do any without having the village. It is almost impossible.

And having the village and somewhere to dump our kids, let's talk about keeping the romance and like quality time going with kids, um because it's hard, like you get wrapped up and being working parents and then this is still and every now and again, this is what thank you, I thank I appreciate that, this is what I would say. Your mom is the best with knowing that kids, you guys need your time. My boys and you guys go every Friday into Saturday. We know for a fact that

we can drop the boys to Mimi's house. Absolutely we know that every Friday, she she don't get them for Friday. She's bringing down my phone and I'd be like, I wanted to have my boys this weekend, like can we not have our children? Every now and again she literally thinks that I was a surrogate and she's mom that I definitely appreciate that. But you know, but what I would say is very important. Um, we as people work right,

we work, and if you don't have a village. Sometimes people are so concerned with trying to prepare the best lives for their children that they don't realize that as a parent, you have to prepare the best life for yourself before the children. Think about it. When you're on the airplane, you put the oxygen mask on yourself first,

then on the child. Some of the moneys you have should be invested in helping you and your spouse, your girlfriend or your significant other have that time so that you don't lose sight and don't lose each other and focus just on the kids because they're gonna sense that. So you have to put some some of that money aside and say, you know what, we need a babysitter

for three or four hours every Friday. Let's put some money aside in a budget so that we know, you know what, we got a babysitter for these three or four hours. Let's mommy and daddy go out and do what we do so that we can keep that romance going. You have to find a way because that is important for your mental health and that's just important for your ability to kind of regroup and dive back into your children when even absolutely I'm all for that, and that's

something that we exercise all the time, you know. And also talking about building the legacy and making sure that, like you said, we put our oxygen masks on first to make sure we're you know, being able to generate income and sustain the family and build a legacy that we want for our boys. It's very necessary to have the time a way to be able to do that

knowing that you're gonna put the work it Now. You may not see the kids, you know, for a day or two on the weekends, but everything that we're doing, every time we travel, every event that we do, the kids are literally at the root of it, you know, even without opening the new business owning partnership in the gym. Like he's just like, man, sometimes I just hate having to go there and deal with these emails and deal with you know, the work behind it. But he's He'll

say it, but I'm doing this for our boys. Yeah, it's creating the foundation pretty much, very necessary. In the last ten years as a as a Husban been I'm just proud of you, like I'm proud of you, and I'm proud of you too, and we would we've made it through this whole parent thing kind of just winging it, which you tend to do usually too with your first child. It's like you they're kind of like this like experiment.

You know, I was an experience for my parents. You were an experien and we didn't turn out have bead. But also to as a parent, no parenting style is the same for each child. You have to curtail your your parenting skills depending on the child the same way. Not everyone learns the same way. Everyone learns differently. You know, you may have somebody who is more of a traditional

style learner versus a progressive learner. So those the things that we had to research as parents, like do you want your child to go to a progressive school versus a traditional school? And everything is different depending on the child, you know, I don't think there's a right and wrong though,

Like I just want to know why I don't. I don't ever look at my parents and be like, you know, like damn, like like you shouldn't have done that, because I would never say to my parents you shouldn't have done that, because there's no way they could have known the same way when I look at someone the stuff I did with Jackson, and I say, I shouldn't have done that, you know, as hard as I was on him at two and three and four, thinking that he

was supposed to be at a different point. And then now I have two younger sons and they get away with more than what Jackson got away with. Because I'm like, there two, there are three. They'll get over it. And I know Jackson is gonna probably look at me and be like, yo, you act in totally different Yeah, because I did the same thing with my parents. Yeah, absolutely absolutely, So Yeah. To answer that, I mean, we're still adjusting

to change every day, the different experience. Every child is different, every day is different, the circumstances different, um, and we just kind of roll with the punches. So there's there's no recipe, there's no book for this, and I know it's going to be different as they go from being toddlers to children, to pre adolescents to adolescents to young adults. There's gonna be so many different changes. Technology is going

to change, uh, socio economically, we're gonna change. So you think about the the six and seven year difference between Jackson and Kas And I know we went through this in my home. Jackson is not going to get things that Cas at his age is probably gonna get. And I experienced that with with my sister because I was the oldest and I'm ten years old in her. So my first car was nine Cougarvaccine. I had a nineteen eighty nine Couger. Of course, my father twelve hundred dollars

it was. It was the oldest car I ever seen in my life, and I loved it because I was appreciative because this was my car. My first of all. It wasn't even My father bought it as a runaround car and he let me drive it to school, so he was just like, yo, this is yours whenever you want to drive. So I was appreciative of it my first Could you think about your peers at school? Some of them were probably just still taking the you have a car. So I was appreciative of it, and I

was just like, yo, that's that's dope. My pops did that for me. Then when I turned eighteen, he bought me at N nine Nissan Maximum. This is twoine. I had the black rooms with the golden down with the chrome own lip had the sound system. But then my sister's first car was a sixty thou dollar accurate TL brand new, and I'm like, well, god damn like my car calling up. But she is also the baby girl. That was ten years later, my parents were in a

different situation. You know. They had just purchased a home. They were preparing for me to go to college. Doing better. What you want. Every family ex supposed to be doing better. Everybody's supposed to be doing better. So what I'm going to do learning from my parents is I'm not gonna try to keep my kids up on what everyone else is doing. I'm just gonna give my kids the worst ship ever. This way they all appreciate it. So Jackson

gonna get a nineteen eighty nine maximum. It's gonna get nine maximum, so that they could both be like we both had See what I'm saying, and I'm been telling me that you want a better car, get a job, work for that, Go get a job. We're gonna take a quick break and get into some ads, but we'll be right back helping to answer some of these listener letters. This for the record, there it is a win for the ages. Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring

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been completely wrong? All American Tiger is out Now listen and stitch your Apple podcasts or your favorite podcast app alright, time for the listener letters. Let's see what y'all came up with. What what questions are you all throwing our away this time? Any advice for millennial newlyweds also expecting their first newborn? Help us l O okay, so she needs help. Here's the first thing I'm gonna I'm gonna

speak to the gentleman. Understand that your your life is going to change as a husband, your wife is going to change, her body is going to change, and don't expect that when the baby comes, things are going to get better, because I know, doing pregnancy, they automatically assume, oh, once the pregnancy is over and the baby comes, always

going to be better. No, that's when ship really hits the fan, and not in a bad way, but that's when you're really gonna both have to lean on each other, especially if your wife or girlfriend and decides that she's gonna nurse. So now you're gonna have another six months if we're having to be up every two and a half hours and sleep deprivation is very real and it's going to create some emotional highs and lows, and as men, we have to know that we're going to have to

help them cope through that. So just expect that once the baby comes is going to be great, but there's gonna be a lot more to do for the next six to nine months. Absolutely, And I think for both the parents in this situation, lean on whatever help you get. Don't be afraid to ask for help, but also to

don't be afraid to ask for space. Because it being a first child, you're gonna have a ton of family and friends who are gonna want to be there and and and their their intentions are going to be great because they're gonna want to help and they're gonna want to see the baby. But don't be afraid to take those first couple of days when you get home to just learn who this baby is, with you and your spouse or with you and your partner, because that's very,

very very important. And then at that point, you know, you can say to your your friends and family the very beginning, you know, at this time, we're just taking some time to enjoy the three of us, and when we're accepting visitors, will let you all know because we know you're so excited to sol to see the baby, because it can be overwhelming having the baby and then you're trying to figure out how to coexist with this new little life, and you're you're tired, and you're moody,

and you're trying to recuperate and your sore, you know. So it's really nice to be able to say, set those boundaries, the boundaries. Set the boundaries early, even before the baby comes, so no one feels no type of way. But if you do need the help, then you can tag in, you know, your mom or your mother in law, or a friend or a sister who can then come in and help you, and don't be afraid to ask for that help. And trust your maternal instinct, trust what

your your way of doing things. You know you're gonna get a ton of advice, but trust the way you feel is best for you and your child, because naturally it's going to kick in, and it may not right away because some women feel don't necessarily always feel the attachment right away to that baby, but it will come and and just and just know that the worst time is going to be that initial come homecoming. That's gonna

be a little bit. It's a little bit of that that um not knowing, that unsure nous of like this is our new baby where newly was. That's going to be the hardest time. But it gets better every single day and once you get into the groove, you'll be fine. So don't panic that everything is changing initially, because everything changes initially, But that initial homecoming is the worst that is going to feel, and then it gets better as you get in the group. Congratulations and enjoy be ready

when it comes, have fun life changing. So do val you want to go ahead and read that. Do you and Devout have the same parenting styles. If not, is there a is there a conflict between the two? Um, I think we aligned with a lot of our parenting you know, beliefs, though our styles and our approaches are different. Um, the beliefs are core beliefs, so our way of achieving

it may be different. Um. But I do look to and I lean on Devolt a lot because you know, him being a father, him being a man, having once been a boy. You know, my my my strategy sometimes with dealing with just Jackson, for example, because he's a little older and of course we converse with him a lot more. Um developed normally will give me feedback, of course outside of Jackson when it's just the two of us,

because we're always the United front. But he will let me know like, hey, I don't think your approach with this was right, or I think you need to, you know, have the discussion a different way, or you know, don't just jump on him for that because boys tend to act like this. You know, those are things that I'm not going to know because again, Jackson's my first child, like we said, just a learning curve all the time.

And also too, I'm only going based off of what I think is right or what may have worked from my family and from my parents, and it may not necessarily be the best way to receive it on the child's end, and I may have to do it different with Jackson and different with Cairo, depending on the child. So I lean on Develo a lot um and I think we're complimentary and that we kind of feed off of each other and we're not afraid to pull the other aside and say I think you should have done

right and and um. I have a little bit more experience with dealing with boys because I run a mentorship program for a young man ages six all the way through college. So Jackson's at that point now where he's in that process. You know, he said he's eight now. So I've been dealing with hundreds of young boys between six all the way to college. So I've kind of gotten into a rhythm of not only dealing with them on my own personal way, but also seeing how their

fathers interact with them. So I think that I just have a little bit more experience of watching and being in that realm, especially with boys. So with Codein and I, we parent together. For me, I don't feel like there's a one parenting style of another. It's like, look, there's an issue, how are we going to address it? And when Codein says that, sometimes she's an approach the situation. Sometimes there's no way to have a parental caucus before

you address a child. If something is happening in real time. You know, if if I'm not there and there's an issue with homeworking, Code's there, she has to deal with it and then we'll discuss later what happens. But what we both do and it's not just Codeine, I do this as well. We do a lot of self reflection and for me, I've come back to Cadine sometimes I say, you know, what I handled that wrong? You know, like

I shouldn't I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have done that, And a lot of it is bouncing off of each other. I'll ask her sometimes I'm like, do you think I was a little too hard? I was a little too so often sometimes she's like, yeah, or not, I think you handled that the best way you can. Like, you know, we we do check in with each other and how we're going to deal with our children because we want them to respect the both of us, even

if we're not in the room. So for example, I don't ever want it to be a thing where well devout, Well, Daddy's not here, so I know I can get over my mommy or mommy's not here. I know I can do this because Daddy's watching us. So we definitely spend

every night. And when I say every night, we spend every night kind of recapping what happened throughout the day and what did you go through with the boys that we feel like we can fix or change no absolutely um And also too, I feel like with the children and with the parenting styles and things like that, it's important to when you feel like you have done something wrong or have made a decision that you think maybe

wasn't the right approach with the child. We like to touch base with Jackson after I've apologized to Jackson, and this can also be my moment of truth. I'm going to put it in there. Don't be afraid to recap or to apologize to your children when necessary, because there's nothing worse than feeling like, you know, my parents got down on me about this. It wasn't necessarily the way I would have expected them to handle it. And then you get upset at your parents for that does that

make sense? You know? And I feel like even as an eight year old, he probably feels that way sometimes, like you know, mommy did x y z and I don't understand why it happened this way. So we are very vocal with our sons about why we parent the way we do, why we discipline them the way they are the way we do. And um, I think every

parent should. If you're wrong in the way you handle something, don't be afraid to then say to your child, you know what, mommy did not make the best decision, or you know, mommy apologizes for the way she handled that, or Mommy was upset in the moment and I should

not have said x y z. Um. And I think we should handle our children with that same kind of respect because then it keeps the line of communication open with our children are not going to be as afraid to say things to us or to tell us things, and you always want to make sure that they feel comfortable with that. So at that role into my moment of truth because your moment of truth well great, I mean, I like the little segue you did there. My my

moment of truth is this. If you really want to parents and parent well, the first thing you need to do is look back into how you were parented and see how are you going to transfer what you've learned into what you plan to pass forward into your children. And I think that it's important for people to do that because sometimes as people, we don't even know why we're parenting a certain way. It's just, hey, that's how

I was taught. And one thing I always say to people is that using tradition as an excuse, as an excuse for the lazy. Just because it was done that way doesn't mean it was always the right way. You have to learn why it was done that way, why it was done that way to you, so that you have a reason and a purposeful reason to do it to your children because it was within those circumstances exactly exactly.

And I think that that's my moment of truth. You really want to be a good parent, think about your parents, think about why they made the decisions they made with you, with your children, with with your brothers and sister, if they had other children, and figure out what's the best way to take that mix of parenting. Of course, put it within the context that we live today, and don't be afraid to converse with your significant other about what

mistakes you might or might not have made. I like that, I like it, and if you want to be featured, it's one of our listener letters. You can also email us at dead ask Advice at gmail dot com. We love questions, this is our favorite part. Absolutely, be sure to follow us on social media. That's I Am Devout, I A M as A Mary d E V A L E. And if you're listening on Apple podcast, be sure to rate and subscribe exactly and definitely give your reviews and follow me on social media. Cadeen I Am

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