Let That Sh*t Go

Go listen to see By. Sometimes when dealing with toxic situations or toxic relationships, you kind of have to step back and wonder, am I the toxic one? Oh? Because I was thinking the same thing. The biggest thing I learned in my life is that sometimes I was actually the person being toxic. Look at you. We're on the same page today. This might be a good day, y'all deads Hey, I'm Cadeine and we're the Ellis. You may know us from posting funny videos without boys and reading

each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I make you need derby most days. Wow. Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married. Yes, so we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. When we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about

to take phillows off to a whole new level. Dead ask starts now. I think about the time that you spend in a workplace. Usually you're on a shift for anywhere between like eight to nine hours. For the most part, I was working in an environment once that I felt like was dreaming and sucking the life out of me. And unlike my little confession in the very beginning, I don't believe I was a toxic person in this relationship.

I feel like the toxicity around me was literally sucking me in and I had to take the high roadicity. Toxicity was sucking me in and I had to find an escape. Um. I was in an environment where I was pregnant with Jackson at the time, and I was under a lot of pressure just in terms of you know, being pregnant, but also it was retail environment. It was coming around the holiday season, so that in itself, anyone who really works retail knows that it's a very, very

high stress situation. Ended up losing my manager at the time, and uh, a lot of the weight fell on my shoulders. And I was doing the best that I could with the staff of thirteen to make sure that they were happy in their workpace, because I thought that was necessary as a manager to make the environment as happy for them as possible amidst all the chaos. UM. And then I went off onto my maternity leave after I felt like I was kind of shoved out in a sense.

UM went off on my maternity leave, and while on maternity leave, was hearing from other staff members that I was pretty much being thrown under the bus for things that had gone wrong. I mean, what other way to deal with issues than talking about the person who's not there at the time toxic, you know. UM. And that's not something I should have been worried about on my maternity leave, you know, dealing with my newborn baby postpartum, I should have been enjoying my time, not dealing with

work situations. So you know what I did, I went back to work after my leave was over, guns blazing, blazing. I had everything lined up, every email, every conversation. I brought everybody into the room who had something to say, and I said, you know what, y'all, let's let it rip with everybody in the same room at the same time so we can get down to the bottom of this.

And Cadeine, being the scapegoat, was no more and I was able to, you know, plead my case, chuck the deuces, and I was gone out of that toxic relationship because I did not deserve that and it was not necessary for a work environment. You know, how you get rid of toxic a city? How do you do that? Receipts all, make sure you pull up the receipts. Another one, go toxic? Where did you say? You heard this song played at? And it was the most hilarious scenario at a wedding.

Wedding the bride came down the aisle to another one, bites dust? What marriage was? It? Was it her fourth? Fifth? I think it was a fifth marriage. Marriage at this point, it was just funny to her and everyone. So she came down the aisle to another one by dust, mad funny. That's hilarious, that's hilarious. Oh my goodness. So what's up, y'all? What are we talking? About this week, what's been happening.

We're talking about toxic relationships and toxic people. I instantly just just made me feel heavy, like I had to kind of just like, oh, crab legs last night. Don't try to put me on black. I've been carbs cycling. Okay cars, it's cycling, so it's not like all the time. So you eat your cards while I want to bite. That was such a dad joke. It was such a dad it was, but I couldn't let it pass. So let's start with this. I think it's important for us to define what a toxic relationship is and how to

identify toxic folks in your life. Miss Lilian Glass, well, Doctor Lilian Glass, I should say, in her book Toxic People, defines a toxic relationship as and I quote, any relationship between people who don't support each other, where there's conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there's competition, and where there's disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness. But I don't I don't completely agree with that. Like competition,

to me, is not toxic. That to me, has been very helpful in my life being in the sports arena because I was competitive. Take Marcus Colston from me example, right, Okay, Me and Marcus came into Haustra. He was a year ahead of me. When I first got the I was like, Yo, I'm going to be better than you. I'm competitive. To him, I said, I'm coming for your job, and he laughed, like, but then he's competitive. So he pushed himself to not let me be better than him, and I pushed to

be better than him. And that competition was healthy in our relationship because not only did we push each other, you know saying, but we also encouraged each other. You see what I'm saying. So I don't know if competition is always toxic. No, not always, because I for as to play Devil's advocate. I can think it could be unhealthy if say, you were to do this to somebody who didn't have the self esteem or have the confidence

that Marcus had. You know, you, maybe somebody may take that as you kind of um, you know, weighing down on them, or you trying to be arrogant, knowing especially in the sports world and athletics and just professional sports, that that tends to work for some people. You talk ship and you know that scene as something that can

be uplifting in a sense. It gives you that rage and that that energy to just say, you know what, I'm gonna just blow through this guy and take his job for real, for real, where as somebody, on the other hand, may not see it that way. They may see it as you picking on them. Yeah, well, I mean that person is a punk. But I just know,

I'm serious. I feel like competition is healthy. I just but I think you know, we're talking particularly about relationships where consistently it's unpleasant, you know, and it's draining for people to be in it to the point that negative moments outweigh the number of positive ones, right, And I think that's where why it's important for us to define

what exactly is toxic. What's toxic about it is undermining or undercutting the people in those relationships, you know, like manipulation on when you don't want to compromise, you know, like that can become toxic. No, it can be toxic,

it can be draining. And I think about um toxicity and people and as it relates to even just say family members per se or just even say family members are not even a part of it, just anyone what's the root of that is usually with unhappiness in the person that starts, and then they're now spewing this onto other people and trying to take them out with them, and it's usually harder to get away from if you're

in a family relationship. You know, UM, I told you about my story with Mac and how I felt like that was a toxic situation that I was in. UM, do you have any toxic situations that you feel like you've been in yourself? So I can tell you by the time where I was being toxic and didn't even realize you were I was. I was being toxic. Didn't realize that I was being toxic until after the fact, right, And it came once we retired. And you know, once I retired from the NFL, I was not happy about

where I was in my life. I was I felt like I had lost everything. I was lost in the world, didn't know where to go. At this next point, I knew I wanted to act and do TV film, but I just didn't know how to get there. So in my mind, the world was so daunting that when I was giving advice to people, rather than giving them empowering advice on how great things can be, I was in turn giving them projecting what I was feeling about how

the world was. That's funny because I don't I don't even foresee that with you, because just knowing the type of individual that you are having your mentorship program looking you know, like always looking to empower people. I can't even recall a moment when that I didn't do anything unlike you. I didn't it on purpose. I didn't do it with malice, But that doesn't mean that I wasn't being toxic. I remember at points when people are asking me, Hey, Deval,

what do you think about this? And I was saying, well, you want to be safe because you never know how this and that you never know, so you might not want to do that. You might want to just you known, settle here and do this because it's comfortable, because that's

how I felt in the moment after losing everything. So you aren't necessarily toxic with an ill will to not see this person succeed you just from your experience, was saying, you know what, it didn't work for me in this circumstance, so it may not work for you, right, but it was, but it was still toxic. Nonetheless, telling somebody not to change their dream and not go after what they want. Because I didn't get what I wanted. I wasn't where I wanted to be at the time. It's still toxic.

Regardless of whether my intent was toxic, just spewing that type of negativity or not encouraging someone to do or go after what they want was toxic. You see what

I'm saying. And I think a lot of people need to recognize how they're being toxic in their own relationships and not always looking for other people's toxicity, but noticed that you may have some toxic moments in your life, because that may be the only one I can think of right now, But I'm pretty sure there were other times in my life where I was being toxic and didn't realize it, right because I wasn't trying to be toxic.

But that doesn't mean I was being I wasn't me a toxic, right I guess I could kind of relate to that in the sense I think about when you had retired from the league and we moved back to Brooklyn and we were just kind of rebuilding our life, you know, and we had other friends and and people that we know that we're still in the league, and

doing well and thriving at the time. And though I wasn't happy with the situation we were in at the time, I feel like I never wished ill on them, though I can't say honestly that I didn't have moments of like a little envy, like, oh my god, why us, why did this have to happen to us? So why

couldn't things go differently for us? And now looking back on it, I can say, well, that was just a test for us, you know, going through those trials and tribulations, for lack of a better word, like that really made us who we are now in this moment. So I think there's a special characteristic in someone who can be able to say, you know what, I'm not gonna wish bad on this person. But at the same time too, I just know I'm not happy within myself, so I

can then in turn remove myself from that. It's funny people always ask how do you avoid toxic situations? Realistically, Um, it's impossible to completely avoid. What I would say to do is to recognize first when you're in a toxic situation. Once you've recognized, you know how to maneuver around it. But you can't just avoid. Like you can't see a

toxic situation coming until it actually happened. I'm it doesn't like yeah, it doesn't walk around with a yeah like the cartoons back in the day you would see like the green fingers coming where it's like older. It's like, oh, here's the toxic situation that that doesn't happen in life. But you have to recognize when it's toxic. Actually, I was recently brought into a toxic situation where I honestly

had nothing to do with the toxic with the situation. However, by way of default, I was kind of brought into it. And it was one of those things where I could have thrown myself into the mixed more and call this one and call that one and all that. And I was like, you know what, Lord, this is above me, Like I could think this situation has nothing to do with me. Those some people who I care about are invested in the situation and maybe up to them to figure that out. And I'm gonna move the way I'm

gonna move outside over here. That's the most important thing. First recognize that you're in a toxic situation right then to maneuver around it. Absolutely, you cannot turn the toxic situation into a non toxic situation. You can only remove yourself absolutely, so that I hit him with the SpongeBob me all right, I'm a head out because y' head out because at this point it had absolutely nothing to do with me. And sometimes you gotta do it. Sometimes

you gotta let things go. That's why we went with another one bites it does. But I know everyone want to know how do we come to this topic and what prompted this discussion. Realistically, as a millennial married couple, you find out in life that sometimes you have to let other relationships go, other friendships go, because everybody's not in alignment with what you're trying to you as a

married couple. You may have single friends, your wife may have single friends, and you may have other married couples who you have to let them go because they're the toxic nous in their toxicity, the toxicity right now in their relationship may come over into your relationships. So that's how we got to this point. Absolutely. I mean, you're talking about the things we talked about today. I'm hoping that you guys can take away just things that you

can apply to your relationships. Whether it be you know again, not just married couples, but you know, romantic relationships, um family relationships. You know, well hopefullill they just set some light and some things and talk through some things based on our own experiences and stuff. So and I would like to read a quote from Dr Shina Ali. Toxic friends may be inconsiderate, pushy, and overly needy. These are the friends whose text you dread answering because they demand

too much of your time. Toxic friends may make microaggressive comments without realizing they're being hurtful and abusive friendships the behavior intense of fiens. Yes, that's health clinician. So this leads me to a very funny movie, one of my favorite movies of all time, Why Did I Get Married?

There's a scene, there's a scene in the movie which is like the apex with the climax movie where everyone is sitting at the table, and at the table, slowly but surely people start to you know, reveal things they know about other people's marriages, and it leads to a huge fight in an argument amongst all friends, right, which to me, it's funny because all friends have those moments and everyone participates in those moments, and I'm gonna tell you why, and I'm gonna tell you how it happens

mutual friends. This is exactly how it happens. And people never want to admit to this, but this is exactly what happens. Me and you meet with another married couple and we have uh, maybe about six married friends. Right, We get together and whichever friend is not in the room, the first thing we ask is how is so and so doing? Right? When the last time you spoke to so and so? Right? So, once you start asking when when was the last time you spoke to so and so?

How is so and so doing? You start to discuss so and so. Then you have a discussion about so and so. One of the friends end up meeting so and so before the other friend, and the first thing they asked was when the last time did you speak? So? Then y'all speak to so and so about what y'all previously spoke about. And then someone so says, oh, so, y'all be talking about me when I'm not around. This happens in all friendships, and it starts in grade school.

It starts in grade school. And what happens is people don't realize how toxic that can become when you're not willing to say to your friend what you said about them when they're not around, and that's what happens. That's when things be come toxic, because that's what happened at work, right. Well, I mean, and do you think it's the thing where

it's necessarily malicious things? Because sometimes it's not even things that are bad per se, it's just the fact that the conversation was had, and it's like, well, would you say that to your friend to their face? Well, this, this is one thing that I've noticed, right, A lot of times people give their opinions on other people's relationships to other friends, and it's like, if you're willing to give your opinion about my relationship to someone else, why

aren't you willing to give that opinion to me. That's when it becomes a real friend. If you're really a friend, you should be able to give that opinion to me directly, And that's when it becomes toxic. So you're willing to tell everybody else what you think about me and my relationship, but you won't tell me. And when you see me, you you just shower me with compliments and tell me how perfect. You think I am right. That's not a good friend. That's about to say? Is that a friend? Friend?

But I don't know if that's a friend. I found in this day and age, we really don't know how to be truly friends because the minute you disagree with somebody, the first thing they say is, oh, you a hater. You The truth of the matter is just because somebody disagrees with you, right, it don't mean they're right. That doesn't mean they're a hater. Absolutely. I mean people are entited of their opinion. They may just really be offering

you some constructives criticism. And then at that point you hadn't have to self reflect now and be like, man, is there any truth to what they say? And this is not something that you take from anyone. It has to be someone who you value their opinion. If this person is someone that you call a friend, and they can gain that title from you, because I would say that your friend is someone you think highly of, for

someone that you enjoy being around. And if that's the case, you might want to self reflect and to say maybe they there's like the truth to what they're saying. Absolutely, you know? Um? And Unluckily I feel like with us. We have a handful of solid friends that you know whenever things are going on, or if we ever need to support or when you feedback. These are that solid group of people that you feel comfortable with speaking to

because you know it's coming from a good place. Yeah, I mean a lot of times, I don't think it ever comes from a bad place. But what happens is is we're conditioned now to only want to hear good things about ourselves. So the minute you hear something bad, you start to question if this person is on your side. The seeking validation thing. Seeking lives on Instagram things like that. It kind of like funnels off into different areas of life, right.

So conversely, you don't want to offend your friend, so you you know what, I'm not going to tell them because it really is in my business. So you get in this cycle of always throwing compliments and not really being honest and and and I see that a lot, Like a lot of the friends that I have now I've gotten two huge arguments with because they've said things about me or to me that at the time I didn't like. But I'm still friends with them because they

were being honestly. And I still funk with them, you know what I'm saying. So we can even you can tell me something and we can disagree, and we can arguing, debate a debate yet, but one thing is that I know is that that person got my back, right, you know what I'm saying. I have friends like that. I have I have friends that we don't get along with everything. We argue all the time, but I love them because they'll be honest and you'll tell me like, I don't know,

I don't know about that. I mean. And then there's people who you outgrow over time. And you think about people who you've known. I mean, I've known you for seventeen years, and I've seen people kind of you know, who are there in the beginning or not here anymore, and you tend to outgrow people. Um, So how do you know, like when when it's worth working on a relationship, do you believe that people just outgrow each other or

they can kind of grow together sometimes? You know, sometimes you don't realize that you're in a toxic relationship until you're open to to seeing how people move. Right. I think about um, when I think of relationships in general, I think about the level of care that goes into a relationship. How much do I care about this person? How much do I care to work on this relationship, how much do I care to let this go? How will I be affected if I let go of this relationship?

And when I think of out the level of care that goes into these relationships, my work environment, the story I told, it was easy for me to just walk away from that. Though I cared about my job and my career and my profession, at the time, I cared more about my name and I didn't care as much about the people who I knew were being manipulative in the background. So it was easy for me to kind of severtise and walk away and say, you know what, I can get another job somewhere else, put in my

two weeks and transfer to a different location. Easy. I think about the romantic relationships, though feelings get involved and it's like, damn, I care about this person so much, but I can't continue to let this happen. Or I do you think about the friends, which is similar to a relationship, because those are again chosen relationships that you have. You know, the autonomy over to say, you know what, I'm going to infuse myself into this relationship or not.

Then you have family, and then you have family and the level of cares there usually because that's a family member and you feel like I should care about my family member. But at the same time, too, somebody's family members could really just suck you over because some people ain't ship. It doesn't matter if you got the same blood bro Like, if you ain't ship, you ain't ship.

It's crazy because I think about, even just now as an adult, looking back on just people in my family, um like aunts and uncles, cousins, people who at the time I looked up to and was like WHOA, Like they can do no wrong? They can you know, Like this is like, oh, you almost idolize these people because you can't wait to grow up to be like them.

And then you grow up to being an adult and you realize they have some really ancient waits about them and yes they're toxic and they're just human beings at the end of the day. This this is what I realized about that in those situations, right, you're always going to have people and everybody has a level of toxicity in them, everybody, myself included. I remember I can recall times where I was being toxic. Didn't even realize that I was being toxic until afterwards. I was like, damn,

I should have never did that. But you can tell when people are genuine, and a lot of times toxicity comes from people having their own insecurities and their own unhappiness about where they are in life. When you look at your friends, or your family, or your significant others and you see someone who is just unhappy all the time and they're making moves in an unhappy way, more than likely they're being toxic. Happy people are not toxic because they're happy, content with where they may be their

life at that point in time. Exactly. There's a lot of people in the world who exist in that space because they don't know how to find happiness. So misery loves company. When people don't know how to find happiness, they just want to make everybody else miserable so they can find a way to coexist with all these people who seem to have found their version of happiness. Now, what I found out in my life is that since everyone has a level of toxicity, even yourself, you have

to measure who provides value in your life. If someone provides a level of toxicity in your life, sometimes for the majority of the time, they're they're filling you up with joy and excitement, and they're giving things, and they're happy for you, and they're allowing you to grow. You can get past certain toxic things that they do, because no one is perfect. But when the toxicity outweighs the happiness, you got to let those people go because that's gonna

weigh on you. Like you, You're gonna start to feel unhappy and even like why am I like this? It's the people around you unloading anything on you. Absolutely, It's the same thing with relationships. People always want to say, oh I love this person. You cannot love a toxic person. A toxic person will bring you down, especially if you choose this as your life partner. Their toxicity becomes your toxicity and you can't grow that way and you take Yeah,

it totally takes away from everything. Um, it's draining. It's a really draining situation to be in, you know. My very my confesition in the beginning was like, you know, canan You've probably been toxic yourself in different relationships, you know,

throughout the span of your life. And I can probably admit that too, because there's been times when I haven't been unhappy with my situation or happy with my space, and that, although it may not have been consciously, I may have been unloading that onto someone else in my memory. I do I feel like, you know, when I after I had Cairo and Kaz back to back, um, I was in a space where I felt super unhappy. I think part of it was a little postpartum, and then

some of it was kind of like, oh what was me? Like? I just had two back to big babies and everybody should understand why I feel the way I feel, even though I don't really know why I feel the way I feel, And I was waiting for everyone to kind of help me unpack that, and in turn, I know you had to look at me a couple of times and be like, YEA, why are you talking to your mom like that? Or like why are you talking to

your sister like that? Like they're here to help you, but instead you're like barking orders at people, and you're not being mindful of how you sound when you say things to people who are here trying to legitimately help you.

And I didn't realize how toxic I was being in that circumstance because I didn't see it because I was so wrapped up and involved and like, oh my god, I can't believe I have all this stuff going on, and I'm so overwhelmed and I'm so over um that I wasn't even looking at the good that people were trying to provide me in that space, And how a simple gesture to just smile and say thank you and be nice or to ask nicely for certain things could have gotten everybody so much farther along and made the

space that much more of a healthy environment. So I know for sure that was a time when I was just being super toxic. And then for a second, even in that work environment, I felt like I was coming to that because then I got kind of petty before I left for my maternity leave. You know, I was getting petty, like, well, you know, I'm not gonna do xbo z because she didn't do it, and you know she's gonna feel it if I don't do this. And that's funny you say that, though, because you know why

things are considered toxic because toxic things spread. Yeah, you know, toxic things don't contain themselves. Toxics contagious else and it touches something else and it grows and it grows so right, I can see how you can become toxic right, No, absolutely so, like in that work environment. And then I think what hurt me more was that when you had to say that, Katine, you were being super just nasty. You're being a mean girl two people who are legitimately

like trying to help you and love of you. And that made me super upset. Like I remember crying about it because I was that's not what I intended, and even though that wasn't my intent, how it was received was something that I needed to be mindful of. And after that, I was like, wow, I have to really just be you know, be cognizant of the fact that people are here to help and this is a situation

that should be joyful. It's it's post baby, and everyone should be coming around to help and they want to be here to help. But instead I was pushing people away, you included by just not being a nice person. You know, It's funny because we you know, once again at the nfl p A Couples events, they were talking about how do you get rid of toxic behavior? Right? Toxic behavior starts with toxic thoughts, right when you have toxic thoughts? How do you get rid of toxic thoughts? And then

he was saying, I forgot this. I forgot this young man's name. His name was Anthony Anthony. It was Anthony Anthony had said something that rings so true. Right when you trying to think about something, they tell you to think about something else. So he was like, count to ten in your head. Say you go to counter tenor your head go to count ten. And then he was like, all right, say your A, B c's. So you're like, I don't get it. So he's like counting to in

your head. Okay, now say ABC is out loud, So I have to say my ABC is out loud. And I was like, oh, I get it. The only way I could stop counting in my head was by saying it out loud. It stopped the thoughts. So, if you're having negative thoughts, if you speak positive thoughts, that's what they talk about words of affirmation and speaking things, speak positive thoughts. It allows your brain to stop focusing on

negative And that is so true. That's how we can break free in these toxic from these toxics really pretty much literally, and it starts with yourself. The only way you can break free from toxicity is knowing that you're toxic, to finding out how you're toxic. You realizing that you're toxic, breaking yourself free in toxicity, then you'll be able to

see who around you is being toxic. And it starts with words of affirmation, waking up in the morning and saying stuff like there was a point in my life where I remember I wrote the mission statement, and this when I was lost. When I was lost in my life, just retired, dealing with pain, addiction, trying to figure out how to get into the TV film and build a business.

I used to wake up in the morning, go into the bathroom and say, each day I work to build a legacy, not to be defined by my greatness, but by the masses I inspired to be greater than myself. I said that every single day for about two years, and anytime I get lost now I say that because that's my purpose. So that's about to say, what does that do for you? Saying and allowed? It just kind of reiterates what your purposes and why you're doing what you do, and what it does is deflect from what's

going on. Sometimes you wake up with bad thoughts like there were times I used to wake up and I'm like, I don't know if I should do TV. And I'm never going to be an actor. I'm never gonna make

enough money to support my wife. I'm never going And then all these thoughts start to come and come and come, and as there were times when I used to go into bathroom and just locked the doing, You'd be like, value okay, and I'm like yeah, and then I've been there thirty minutes, forty minutes, and even this morning, I was like, what you're taking the ship of your life? What are you doing? Get out? Sometimes I'm in there preparing myself for the day and I cannot start my

day or being negative. That was like this morning. That was this morning. I had to ask you if your flush first though, because it was coming. It was coming out there. It was toxic, it was it wasn't coming out this morning. I was like that, are you okay? It couldn't have been me. I'm vegan, Now what does that have to do with anything? And you're such a lie. You're not vegan. Y'all already know, and now you know he ain't. I'm coming up with a your camera for that.

He sure ain't I'm vegan, he shared, ain't vegans poop? Don't stink because all I eat leaves and flowers. Because I don't want to be toxic. You don't want to be toxic. Let me, let me tell you some examples of how you can break from toxic relationships and toxic booty. Tell people how you really feel. Back to honesty, respect your feelings, and make your mental health a priority. Hello,

that's exactly what you just said. You can get a priority, whether it's affirmations, whether it's meditating, whether it's praying, whatever you find that can censure yourself. I'm listening. Why not listening? Speak from your place of truth? That's that's yeah, that feels good. Set an honor. Your boundary. Boundaries are so important. We didn't even touch on boundaries when it comes to because we can do a whole episode on boundaries. Don't

doubt the boundaries that you've set. If they can't respect your boundaries, they can't respect you. You know why. That's important? I just wanna stop. That's important because people often ask this question, should I feel a way about this? That's not even a question. If something somebody does to you make you feel a way, then you feel a way about it, like, that's just the way it is. No one can tell you how you're supposed to feel. And

if you're asking me, should I feel a way? Chances are you do feel already feel a way, And there's nothing wrong with feeling in a way. But what you do with that feeling is then on you if you express it to them. If you express that you feel a way about this, and now you give them a choice to stop making you feel that way, then you know if you have a true friend or not. If they're just like would you feel that's not a true friend? That person toxic and you need to move on. And

that brings me to my life's point. Leave the relationship. Sometimes you just have to know when to walk away. No relationship is worth making you feel bad about yourself. If the person isn't willing to hold themselves accountable or take positive action to improve the relationship, It is not on you to mend things. We'll be trying to fix everybody life. Sometimes that's that's true, But I would say this,

it's not on you alone to mend things. It's on you together, because it's not on them alone to mend things. Neither however, but it has to be willing to be mended. Your control of you. Yes, you are on control of you, not them, so you know. And and the thing is, there's a power in setting boundaries, being honest and speaking your truth. This is who I am, period, this is who I am. I'm allowing you to see who I am in my whole self. If you make a choice

to be around me, then that's your choice. Don't expect me to behave any differently because you can make a choice to not be around and then I have a choice to accept you being around me or not, yes, vice versa. Isn't that what happened? Yo? I swear, I swear everything. When I turned thirty is when I had a reawakening of life. And so they could deem I but whatever, just for the sake of this hypothetically hypothetical today. But then I go back to when the podcast over.

So when I hypothetically turned thirty, I had an awakening on life that I was no longer going to live the way people wanted me to live or the way I thought people wanted me to live. I just said, fuck it, I'm gonna be me, and I wanted to do that with you because I wanted to just be myself around my wife, because I felt like both of our behavior was becoming very toxic. We were both being very petty. We were doing things to to ourselves on to each other on purpose to try to nit pick

and get at each other. So I said, you know what, I'm just gonna start being me. If she fun with me, she fun with me. If not, that we're gonna have to make decisions and whether we want to be together or not. Relations title to grow and they're entitles to change and what the true test is if you can grow and change together through this and um and yeah. So once de Vel kind of presented me with this, like you know, this is me, this is what it is. I'm tired of living this facade of what I think

people and you want me to do. It's amazing how much of a weight was lifted off both of us. And it was a presentation like that though it was we sat down. It was sat down, and I was like, yo, this is how I feel. I just I just want to let you notice and where I'm coming from. I'm gonna start moving this way. And then she was just like, okay, so let's see how I go because I'm gonna start

moving this way right. It was kind of freeing for me too, because sometimes you know, when you're within the confines of a relationship, I should say confract, when you choose to be in a relationship, a lot of what you do or don't do is thinking with the terms

of like trying to appease somebody. At the same time, you know, you kind of dance sometimes around certain things because it's like, oh and toxic, this compromising or is this me you know, compromising how I feel in a circumstance, and this then can be detriment, detriment to me because resentment will build or you know, So at that point I had to be like, all right, Kadeen, is this

something that you're willing to deal with? And again going back to choices, which we say after the almost every episode, it goes back to then giving me the choice to decide, am I going to then now appreciate and love and accepted out for who he is? Or um, you know, is it something that's not worth working towards as a couple anymore? And to be honest, that revelation for the both of us brought us so much closer together. Once.

Once we had that revelation, that's when our not only did our lives start to grow um together, but they also grew individually. She started doing better in her career, I was doing better in my career because we both

felt free, flourished. Yeah, and we're able to get on the same page too, because at that point we were talking about the next the next way we can then get our careers to kind of take it to another level, you know, you being an actor, me being you know, an actress and on camera television and all that entire you know, feel that we were both trying to kind of launch and propel ourselves into We were now able to speak about that open me and be on the same page, so we can build a plan, you know,

build a narrative about what we wanted to do. And that's how social media became about. And and here we are today. We'll have a podcast and we're able to talk to you about this stuff that was just an idea, you know, like five years ago. Because of the freedom to be ourselves and to not feel judged by each other first and then by everyone else, right, and getting rid of those thoughts that could have been toxic and could have just kind of taken us a stray, you know,

or kept us in an unhappy space. And I mean, no love is worth the sacrifice of your physical or emotional well being, to be honest. So so I mean I think there's ways to kind of um, there's benefits to creating healthy boundaries, you know when it comes to you and just protecting yourself with these toxic forces around us, you know, how do you create your own little force field to protect yourself. Well, the first thing that I've learned, and I've learned this recently from Donora. She said that

she started to create boundaries first by time right. She only allows people certain access to her during the times where she's prepared to take in. The people shout out this was a great tip. She said that on her phone, she puts it on do not disturb as soon as it hits I think eleven PM, because that's her time to focus on her So now her phone is not going to ring at eleven pm and anyone can come

in and just take access to her time. Damn you, So if I text you at one am, I'm not you don't like you, You don't want to hear from you, hey, I respect your spaces. I get it. I get it. And then communicating thoughts not assuming. I think that's another super important point, you know, because think about the things and the way your mind works when you start to assume things and the stories and the sonnets and the high coups that you building your head and it may

not even be because you're being all poet. I mean, you know, I learned that in one of those grades. But I'm just saying you think about what you build in your own mind, this whole story and this whole narrative that may not even be true, And it'd be simple if you just communicate what it is, take it for what it is, and keep it pushing, you know, yes, ma'am.

And then there's a responsibility factor, be responsible for your own actions, like you said, knowing when you may be the toxic person and don't want to hear that though, no, they don't want to hear it. But I think a lot of self reflection goes into this whole episode of toxicity. It's like you got to realize, you know, what is my what are my intentions here? How am I feeling here?

And how can that be projected on someone? Let me tell you that what I learned about being responsible for your own actions, right, being a professional athlete, even before that, being a college athlete taught me the most about being responsible for your own actions. And I'm gonna tell you how they filmed everything in sports. Right, they say that eye and the sky don't lie. They film practice. They film all of these reps. Right. So you go out there every day and you play receiver, and they tell

you it hitches at how many yards? It's at seven yards. So you run this hits, you run to seven yards, you turn around, you catch the football, right, you run, you turn around, the ball doesn't come. You get screened at what are you doing? Like, I did everything right, I ran seven yards. I don't know why he didn't throw the ball. You and the coach are going back and forth. The coach and you ran seven yards. He's like, yes,

I'm telling you, I ran seven yards. Then you get back in the film room, you watch film of yourself and you realize that you only ran six yards and

see what I'm saying. And then but in your mind, because you didn't have self reflection in your mind, you knew that you were in seven yards and it wasn't so you were able to see yourself from someone else's perspective that you say, ah, right, because you're You're every intention in you was to run them seven yards, every intention to run seven yards to get that first down.

But believe in yourself to a fault. And people do that every day, and it has nothing to do with hitches, has nothing to do with football, but people in themselves believing themselves every day that they're doing everything in their power the right way. And if the Eye and the Sky was recording them, they could show them how many times you didn't do what you intended on doing. And that's not that you did try to do it wrong, but you didn't do because the Eye and the Sky

don't lie. Guy, Hey, you know what it's takeaway is from me from this show. You can't infuse yourself in the toxic situation and make it non toxic. You can only remove yourself from it. Stop trying, because this is what a lot of people do. A lot of people think they can save the day, They can save this person,

they can save that situation. You can't. The intentions are good, but yes, when you've noticed that something is completely toxic, just avoided it all costs because there's nothing you can say. Your dude is going to change that situation, right, look at that. That's a nice little little discussion hearing out

talk about it. And I hope you know, anyone who's listening now, if you have those relationships where you feel like are kind of on the fence, that you revisit them and you know if it's worth sticking around for in the person in the other in the relationship with you is willing to then speak with you about it, and you guys are able to you know, hash out some things and it can be worth holding onto if not another one bite the dust, another one bite to dust.

That's the only part of that song I know, but it exactly. We're gonna take a quick break now and move into listener letters after we get into some ads. This for the record, there it is a win for the ages. Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring sports icons. In his story, it comes with many chapters. I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here it is. They'll return to glory. This is All American, a new series from Stitcher hosted by me

Jordan Bell. You realized Tiger Wood doesn't know who he is in the history of Gaul no question in my mind. And this season, with the help of journalist Albert Chen, we're asking what if the story of Tiger Woods that the media has been telling, what if it's been completely wrong? All American Tiger is out now. Listen and Stitcher, Apple

Podcasts or your favorite podcast app listener letters. I get a lot of d m s. I can't answer them because they come in so fast, but we do read the emails, and these are my favorite part of the show because we get to interact with you guys. Absolutely. That's what we have for the first question today, Question number one. I love your podcast, Well, we love you too. Thank you. Yes, it gives me so much insight into

love and relationships. I know you both met in college and started the journey from there, but do you have any advice for someone who is out of college and wants to be taken seriously in the dating world. I am twenty five, still a baby to some, but I have an old soul at least I would like to think so, and can't get with this millennial casual dating hook up scene. It has not worked out well for me. I catch feelings fast when sexual intimacy is involved, so

I avoid it now as I am dating. What advice do you have for someone looking to date with the vision of having a long term relationship in a culture that says if you don't sleep with him, you will lose him. Signed sexually frustrated millennial that wants a partnership. Oh cis this sounds like a lot of the young women that reach out to us. Yeah, no, you're absolutely right, or just even like you know friends who we have that are still single and still trying to find their

way and navigate this whole dating scene. It's crazy because I feel like I can't even speak to the dating scene nowadays. Um, I'm sure it's way different than if I was dating in my twenties, you know, um years ago and stuff. Um. So from what I hear, though, it can be a very frustrating experience for a lot of people to try to first of all, meet like minded individuals. It's like, where do you go to meet those people who are like minded individuals? And then from there,

how do you set boundaries? Like we spoke about earlier, set boundaries instead of standard for what it is you're looking for as you date casually. Um, what do you You're on the front from guys. So we I have this conversation a lot with the young men that I that I talked to and speak with, and this is this is the biggest thing, right because of where we are, you know, socially and with the whole you know, revolution

of women's rights and women owning their sexuality. There are a lot more women, uh in nineteen who are willing to have open sex than there was back in the day. So traditional values of dating just really just don't exist anymore. Um. But what I will say is this, if you're a woman who has standards and sets your standards right, you have to be open to dating someone who is probably going to date other women because they probably have other things that they want to do. That doesn't mean you

have to compete with those other women though. So just because they're having sex with those other women doesn't mean that you have to have as much sex or have sex with him to even be in the conversation I hear from a lot of men, from young men twenty five all the way up to forty five, that sex or not having sex will not stop me from dating a woman, especially if the woman is interesting and intrigues him. So what happens is women often feel like, oh man,

he you know he's dating other women. They probably having sex. I gotta do it, almost like you can't stand a chance to compete with somebody like that. And women probably feel that way. But that's not the case. And I know I know personally from close friends, all different types of ages, who who have dated women who were not sleeping with them, and dating them from months who were not sleeping with them. Of course they were having sex with other women, but then it was like they don't

really like her. I really like her. And then it was up to the women to say, listen, I wanted to be exclusive. I want to be exclusive and I want to take things seriously. And if that's the case, I don't want you to be with any other women. But at that point you have to be open to what he says about that. So if you're being honest whom and say, listen, maybe I don't want to have sex until I get married. Maybe he's not open to that.

Maybe maybe he said, okay, so you know, I won't have sex with anyone else, but if we're going to day, I would like to have sex with you. If you're not open to that, that's not the guy for you. But you have to be open to having that conversation and and say to him, Okay, I don't want you to have sex with anyone else, but you know we can move forward and be intimate or the only way I'm willing to be intimate with you is if it's exclusive.

And I've seen men at that point make that choice and say, you know what, I'm willing to go there. If they're really interested in the women, they're willing to go there. But I don't think women have taken that they I see a lot of women because they said to me, all he's having sex with other women, I think I should just have sex, right. I mean, they can be intimidating. I mean you feel like someone is offering something that you either can't give or not willing

to give him that moment. And I can understand from her perspective she's saying that, you know, she maybe tries to do the whole like casual sex thing, but then feelings get involved, you know, and then what happens Then you get your heart broken over situation that maybe is casual sex to him as well. You know, so having the conversation about is this going to be casual sex or not? Are we having sex with the intent to potentially move the relationship into another you know area, then

that could potentially work too. And in the meantime, says Um, hit up some you know, sex toy spots and handle your business. However, you got to handle it in the meantime because she didn't say that. She's also sexually frustrated in the meantime while she's looking for this partnership right, which means she wants to have sex and she's not.

She doesn't want to hold out to a marriage, but she probably doesn't want to do the casual you have sex or whoever, means she wants an exclusive relationship as she wants an exclusive relationship and she wants someone to respect that. I think if she if she gives the god time to get to know her and have him commit to being exclusive, I think she'll find somebody. Just don't feel that you have to compete with women who just want to have sex. You don't have to. There's

different lanes for different people. You gotta find who respects right. That's good. Yeah, I was kind of stumped on this. Question just because, like I said, I haven't been in the dating scene, but I know you talked to a lot of men who are you know, friends are just casual conversation with guys who then tell you what they may be looking for when their day or on the scene as well. And and to be honest, this is

just you know, transparency. A lot of men, after you know, having sex with multiple women's find sex to be shallow unless it's with someone that they have a connection with. So a lot of times they are having sex with multiple women and having sex frequently with other women. That's because they haven't found someone that they've connected with to have sex with. A lot of those men say that sex with someone you're connected to is so much more

um fulfilling than just having random sex. So you just have to find a man who wants to have sex with someone that has a connection. You know that it's just that simple, and be willing to hear, because this is something else you have to be willing to hear. If you want him to not have sex with all of these different women and just have sex with you, be prepared that his sex drive maybe high and he wants to have sex with you. A lot, because that

often becomes a topic in relationships. It starts of off hot and heavy because he's frustrated, but then when she's no longer frustrated and only wants to have sex once

a week, that may be an issue for him. Be prepared to bust it down, bust it down, us it open, or as much as I'm being honest, if you are, if you are attracted to alpha males who work out a lot, who love to conquer, If you're attracted to a devo, listen, if you know to you, if you know like to have sex, right, don't expect that when he start dating you he's just not gonna like to have sex. No more Like that to me is the

most assinine thing. You knew that he likes sex when y'all started dating, and now you're dating him and you're just like, no, I don't want to and he still wants to do seventeen years, girl, years? Can you blame me but your self? Can you blame me? You can't blame me. Looking as good as you want to look, girl, and you're pretty eyes, I don't lies. It's no surprise. I am wise. Bars, bars, you've been eating a lot

of fries. I can't not a disguise Question number two listener letter number two you are hot miss Oh my god. I wanted to join in there, but I was talking about caught off guard with that one. All right, so I am. I married my husband almost four weeks ago, and we're happier than ever four weeks. Shall I hope you're happy in four weeks. We were together seven years before getting married, and I'm struggling on figuring out our

next step. My husband wants to have a baby right away, like he wants to get me pregnant the night of the wedding, or he wanted to get me pregnant night, which debounded. Um, I personally would like to purchase a home first. How do I compromise with my husband and still get what we both want? Okay, so he wants to wait, So wait a second. He wants to baby right away and she wants to have at home. So

I'm want to is it a financial thing? Um? Because when it comes to the house, that's something that you tend to plan for financially. Whereas a baby, I feel like I feel like you never really like you can plan for a child. But I feel like you're never really ready for a challe until the child comes. That's true. You know you can prepare, but there's never really a perfect time for children. Um, what you're saying about the financial part, No, I think sometimes it's just the vision

of the people, right. Like his vision may be married baby, that's just the way he views his life. Her vision may be married, house baby, right. So sometimes it's not even finances, because there are people who have this question who are both well off. It's just the vision of what you think your life should be. One thing I'll say about marriage is throw away your vision of what you think your life should be when you marry someone somebody exactly, because we've been through that. Sure, what do

you think it's supposed to look like? Almost never happens in that order unless you find a submissive person that's just always going to let you get what you want. But you won't even like that either, right exactly. And I mean I think you can plan more so for the house in terms of like, okay, finding a house, having money set aside to then have the house and everything. When it comes to children, though, you just never know, Like we, you know, fortunate that we were pregnant on

the honeymoon. I know some people who plan for a baby. We're we're gonna wait until you know, we're three years in in our anniversary, and then we're going to try for a baby, and then it may take them longer to conceive. You just never really know when the right time is for certain things like that. I never this

is the first time we said this. I've never thought about that, though, Yeah, I've literally because I'm a man, and sometimes you just don't you don't think outside of what you're capable of doing, right because as a woman, I think that a lot of women think about it. If you do desire to children, when it's the right time and all that, and then you just never know, like yeah, you just it just may not happen right away when you think is the right time to happen.

And I've known people who have struggled with, you know, getting pregnant because they thought it was the right time. They had the house, they had, you know, everything set up, they had, Yeah, you had there certain things in place that were within your control, and then when it comes time to then conceive, it's not in your control, and then you end up disappointed or you know, then that can also to bear some kind of burden on you. So I just realized that sometimes we give we give

advice to people from a place of privilege. We've been privileged to have our first child. Immediately we struggled with Cairo. You had to have a procedure done to get your tubes flushed. So now it kind of like it brings me back to that moment when you weren't sure you

could have another child. Absolutely, yeah, that choice of when you're going to have a baby is not always in I got off of my I had my i UD taken out, like and I think it was like April, when Jackson was like four, and then I was like, oh great, took it out. My doctors like, you had no problems getting pregnant with Jackson, so you're you'll be straight shooting. You can just try and like and I was shooting, and he was shooting. The club all the

way up. Shooters keep shooting, and then nothing was happening, and I was just like, that's strange, and I thought it would have been easier. Um, and something just didn't sit right with me. Devout thought I was overthinking it. He's like just relaxed, enjoy the process A k A. Just bustle wide open as much as you can, because

I'm gonna do through my part. But me, on the other hand, I felt like something deep down was not right, and I spoke to my doctor unbeknownst to you, UM, spoke to my doctor and she and I arranged a procedure that I had done, and UM, I was able to get pregnant after that, thank god. UM. But yeah, and my tubes I did, Oh goodness. Was the name of the procedure escapes me. I think it's an hCG or h G C. Um. That's the name of the

procedure I had. Um, But it flashed my tubes and then I was able to get pregnant, like literally right after that. UM. And then I probably explains why CASS came shortly after that too, because UM, everything that was backed up there you're all back and waiting like hello, hello there the black age you let me out and

they all just came out. So I mean it's safe to say that you guys should maybe have that conversation UM more, maybe another time, talking about like you know what it is that you want next, what do you want? What can wait? Um? If the house can't wait for you. I mean, you might want to try for the baby. You're married now, you're to get a seven years so children are a time, you know, is that time? Children are a blessing you can always you know, as long

as you're financially stable. House hunting and house planning is a lot easier than planning for child because that may not always be up to you or your body. So I would say, listen, you want to compromise, you want to, you know, have the open conversation, be honest, because that's always what it comes down to. Tell them exactly what you want, but be willing to hear what he wants as well, and see if you can find a way

to get both at the same time. And if not, think about what you can control and what you can control. The things that you can't control, leave it up to God. If you believe in the universe, leave it up to the universe. You know, um and things you can control. Get that done immediately, there you go, and then before you know it, you might be you know, making a baby on your new kitchen counter top in your house or something you love counter tops. It's the second time

you mentioned already too. Yes, I love counter tops. God, I'm gonna put a counter top in every room in our house and put counter tops everywhere in the playroom. Yes, just counter top in the car, just so that I can look you on account it And if you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, email us at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com. That's dead ass Advice at gmail dot com. Yes, and that leads us to the moment of truth. This is my

moment of truth. It's very simple. All right, we're talking about toxicity and being toxic. First thing you want to do, the first rule of toxicity is recognized the toxicity in yourself. Figure out how you're being toxic and why you're being toxic. Once you can figure that out, then you can see how the people around you are moving in a toxic manner.

Once you figure that out, dismiss the ones that you want to dismiss, keep the ones that you want to keep, and just keep working on being as lex toxic as possible, as lex less toxic today, toxic, you made the word a lot of ex speaking of exs. If if the person in your relationship is toxic, they may become your X. Yes, Okay, I'm here, my bad, but now learn when to let go. You need to learn when you or learn what your boundaries are and know what it is you're willing to

tolerate and not tolerate. That's what I took away from it because sometimes too, you get into a relationship and you feel like you can bend certain things that you know you really don't want to bend on. So by knowing your boundaries, by knowing what you can and can't deal with or not willing to deal with, then you can move forward and be more clear with your expectations of what you want out of that relationship, whether it's your friend, your relationship with a spouse, or a significant

other family member, and all that good stuff. So you have it fine toxicity in yourself, set boundaries and be okay sending those boundaries you go life. Be sure to follow us on social media that's I am Devout and Cadine I Am. And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate and review because we love to hear feedbased do we love the feedback what you like and what we can improve on, and don't forget to hit that subscribe button. That way, when we do upload

new episodes. It automatically downloads to your phone. Because We're back, Baby Back. Dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. It's produced by T Square and Dinora Penia. Our Chief Content Officer is Chris Bannet. Our associate producers are Kristen Torres and Trivia. Our studio engineers are Brandon Burns and Andy, Kristen's daughter. We're Back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going on right now. It's part

of the stitchen netwere called Abstraction that's available everywhere. Getting podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right now to the Distraction right now, it's out. Do it, please,