Let That Ish Go

more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead as is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take pillow talk to our whole new level. Dead

Ass starts right now. Sometimes, when when it's time to let things go, it'd be hard for you to let it go because it's people you love. For example, everybody knows my brother Brian is my best friend. Right. I retired from the NFL in two thousand, who incidentally, he graduated from college in the same year. So we moved back to the apartment together. We were living together. Uh,

it was almost like we were the odd couple. I hadn't lived with my brother since I was eighteen, he was sixteen, and at that point we couldn't live together. I was downstairs in our parents basement. He was upstairs because we shared a room our whole lives and we we couldn't stand each other during that time. But now it's like, you know what, we're back together. Let's make this work. We're talking about building. You know, I had lost my job here, graduate from college. You didn't want

to move back in my parents. I wasn't married. Jet Canina and I were engaged. We could use the additional income, so we was like, you know, let's have roommates. So we moved in with my brother Brian and Sharif and at the time we were doing the big guys I think about it. So my brother and I started a company called a Lead Prototype Athletics, Incorporated, and we were doing extremely well. At the same time, there were problems

at home. When I talked about problems at home, I'm not talking about Codeina and I talking about me and my brother. This was my apartment, right. I paid the most of the bills, paid the heat, paid the gas. And since he was a young guy, it was almost like he was kind of like my son, even though he wasn't my son. So he'd be coming in the house late from being out and I'd be sitting that up. Let me sitting up and like, yo, bro, how are

you not gonna text me? You coming in? I got a son in here, and my wife isn't here, and you're just walking here three if all o'clock in the morning. He's looking at me like, dude, I'm grown as man. And then I sounded like my father. You know they growing as man looking living in my house if you're growing ass man living in your own apartment. So I was like, you know what this this isn't working. Simultaneously,

we're still building this company. The company is doing well, so it's almost like you're working with someone and you you're living with him. It's like we were married. One day, he was going to I think the movies, going to the movies, and me and Kate were leaving to go somewhere and I go into the bathroom after he's left, and it's hair in the sink, and you know, I hate when it's hearing this sink, right, So I called mysel Brian, Yo, just hearing the bathroom sink. He says,

it's not mine, hangs up the phone. So now I'm pissed. Okay, now I'm pissed because I know it ain't my here because I wasn't there when I cut my own here. If I cut my left it, I would have been there, but I wasn't, so I knew it was mine. So I went into his room and I found out bush. No, it wasn't yours. I found a brush that he used after he cut his hair, and I shook the brush out over the sink. You know, it came out hair. So I called him back. I said, Brian, you're a liar.

He said, what do you mean. I said, there's a brush in your room. He screamed, you went in my room? I said, yes, How are you gonna go in my room? I said, because this is my apartment. You pay partial rent for this one room, but as the owner of the apartment, I have the right to go in any room I want, and you own technically at the door. Yes, I owned the door, and I owned the door in that part of the room as well, so I could open it whenever I want. So I was like, yo,

you gotta come back and clean out the sink. Somebody cleaning it up. So he ignored me on the phone, ignored me. So me, being the petty person I am, I fired him from the company and I dissolved the company, noting the relationship and work it was all toxic. It was bad, it was back, it was all toxic. I fired him from the company. I dissolved the company. I gave him his share in the severance package, and I

continued to move on by myself. Yes, because this year they're working on top of that, I made it move out. You cannot live with me thinking you can do everything you want to do on your terms, and I'm just gonna stand for it. So me and my brother went completely separate ways after about two years of building that company.

And you know what happened after that. He went back to college, got his master's degree, became a tennis teacher, and started making more money ever made in his life, something that he wasn't doing during the time because kind of had a little bit of a crutch right. He was living at home with his older brother, didn't have to pay as much in rank and come and go

as he pleased. But then when he moved out and that rent went from paying five hundred dollars a month for that room to three thousand dollars a month for that rent, it's time to really get focused in life, real, real quick. And for me, it allowed me to release being an older brother and feeling like I had to I had to be there for him, which kind of made him feel entitled to do whatever he wanted to do because he felt like I was always there. And plus I had to refocus because now I had a

son and I had a wife. We had just recently got married, So it allowed both of us to grow by separating from each other. And I noticed in that moment that sometimes it isn't the best interest for both parties to just let things go. I got little remix. I'm gonna sing a song, and it's not really the words of the song of the melody. You'll remember, all right, shout out to Tony Braxon. I believe let it go, letting go, letting google, let go. It's definitely let it flow,

is it? Yeah? It's been sound better everything out. I mean, I guess you can't work out Rod and new lit Goo and know her boys be deep? She singing that deep? I mean she might have let it go mixed in with the flow. I mean when I let go with my brother's things started. Alright, I'm down for the remix then ship. All right, well, let's go on. One thing we can't remix is these bills, because the bills is gonna bill. So we want to take a quick break and get back to the meat of the show. Stick around,

all right, So al right, back to story time. Let me tell you all. First of all, Okay, having roommates, baby, it's like having a roommate who's a stranger is one thing, right you think about college roommates getting into your norm room first time, moving in that already it's like a learning curve. I knew when I moved in with my roommate my first year at Hotstrat that I had to do everything in my power to have my own four walls. I don't care if my room was going to be

eight by eight by eight. Yeah that means is that anyway? For eight for eights it was mine, my four walls right, But then when you add the layer of a family member who you genuinely care about absolutely, and I think in any moment when you decide to move a family member into your home or your space, it's naturally because you're saying, Okay, I want to assist this person or help this person get on their feet, or you know, all parties involved. Because we benefited from that as well too.

You know, Brian have a trief at one point living with us, like that apartment was the place where we all kind of started, we started to build. It was like, fresh out of college, what's the best way to most cost effectively exist and build. That's what all college students

would do too. If you have a group of friends that once you get out into the real world, if you don't want to take on all that responsibility of paying all the bills, share an apartment, share the bills, put extra money away in and put yourselves on like a five year plan to say, after five years, if I say, for example, an addition to a thousand dollars a month, that's twelve tho dollars a year, that's sixty dollars over the course of five years, you can put

it down payment on a home, your own condo, an apartment, and have your own space. But at least you can do it in a way where you feel safe and secure and not trying to make ends meet all the time when you have roommates. Absolutely until you leave here in the sink and then what so let me let's let's unpack that, right, and this is important, this is important, right. I chose this story to tell because my brother and I, like, you don't get closer to someone than someone you grew

up within the house. Right, Me and Brian are two years apart. We did everything together. I don't remember life without my brother. So you would figure that living with someone that you lived with growing up would be easy, right you would You would think that. Right on top of that, we started a business together. And I use that as an example because marriage is too part. Right, it's the emotional spiritual part of friendship part, but then it's also the business. Right with my brother, I felt

almost like it was a marriage. We were living together, so you have that marriage emotional spiritual part together as my brother, but we officially had a business together that we were working on together. I learned during that time that just like with you, everybody has their own process, regardless of if they grew up in the same house. He and I went to separate middle school, separate high school, separate colleges, so we all we had different experiences in

life which caused us to be very different people. When trying to live with someone, you start to realize all their little quirks and you have to make a decision on does this really work for me and does this really work for us? Well, you know what I think

the issue was too. When you work with someone who, in turn, you have to go home to at night, usually when you clock out of work, your escape from work his home, your escape from having to talk about anything work related is you can have a cut off time, you know. But when you have a family member or spouse, like for example, you and I, we have moments where the lines get blurred too, because it's just like ship.

Like right now, I want to talk to my husband, not my co worker, my co host, you know what I'm saying. I just want to speak to my husband, who I have the emotional attachment to, not the business attachment to. I think that's what happened with you and Brian White kind of strange. Your relationship in that moment too, because it's like your brother who you used to just kind of like shooting ship with and doing fun things with. Now you're having resentment because why his process is not

like yours. And it's something that we had an issue with two workers you know together. But but I don't think it only happens with work though. I think it even happens with married couples who don't even work together. Right, So for example, you're you're my best friend. We do a lot of friends ship things together. Even if we didn't work together, we still have the parent together. Parenting

is a whole different job. It's like when I'm speaking to you now, when you only want to talk about the kids, is very similar to only talking about work. What if we don't have kids, what if you want to you want to focus on old thing, on another business, right, and you always want to talk about work once. Sometimes one partner is like I just don't want to do I want my friend right now in this moment. I don't want to talk about the marriage. I don't want

to talk about counseling. I don't want to talk about the kids. I don't want to talk about business on top of that people's lifestyle be different. Right, Brian was just coming back from college. He was used to being in and out on his own terms, on his own time, and he was paying rent. I had a wife at home and I had a son at home. I'm not used to someone else being in my space, coming in and out. So there is no right and wrong in

that situation. It's just a difference of lifestyle. And it didn't work collectively for the two rights because it for you it was a safety thing. You were like, Yo, when I locked my doors at night in my house and I'm expecting to sleep soundly because if I hear some rattling at the door, nobody might get their head taken off, you know. So it became like it's a

safety thing. You were like, Yo, you have to let me know if anyone's coming in and out of here at random time, just because you know, I need to know, um. And you can't sleep sound in your own house when you know that's happening, you know, um. But stay in your familiar places. Situations and relationships kind of gives people comfort. And I think people rely on comfort a lot in these situations because why they don't want to make it uncomfortable.

So that uncomfortable conversation that you then had to have with your brother, it's like, how did you decipher how am I gonna How am I going to roll this out to him? Without it being from a petty standpoint, because people might think, oh, ship, like now you want to dissolve the business because he left here in the sink at home, Like was that really worth it? But no, you guys had already had differences and how you wanted to roll out the business plan and how the work

was divided. So I think it was a compounded amount of things that really got you to the decision. It wasn't just like it wasn't up and wanted to just have a tantrum and dissolve the business. No, no, no, no, no, no. I was that was a joke as far as me being petty and dissolving the business. But it really was, um something that he and I had to sit down with and decide what was best for us as brothers because it got to a point where, um, the tension

was so bad in the house. We would both show up to our parents house as we typically did after going to the gym, because that was a neutral site.

And we didn't speak to each other. We didn't talk, you know, And Um, I learned a lot about myself during that process that I like things a certain way and even if you're my best friend, that doesn't mean that we have to work together because you like things in a certain way as well, you like things differently, and that that brings me to um the topic in general of letting it go, right, letting it go doesn't only mean, you know, with your friends or your family,

but it could also mean divorce. Right. You and I never ever talk about divorce. Yeah, definitely have made a decision in our marriage that divorce is not going to be on the table. But we do have people ask us all the time, like, I'm married, I don't know if it's going in the right direction, you know, do you think I should look for a divorce? Should I let this person go? And that's ultimately what this topic of the show is knowing when it's okay to say

it's time to move forward. And UM, I want to start by saying this and using my brother as an example, because he's not He wasn't a love interest, you know what I'm saying. The wasn't about us having differences because most people think when when there's a divorce, happened, what happened, someone cheated, it's infidelity, right, And I wanted to use this as an example because there was no cheating going on. This is my brother we're talking about. But our lifestyles

were so different. Our mindsets on what we wanted for each other, what we we wanted for ourselves in that moment didn't work. And even though collectively we were making money working together as a business, the friendship and the brotherhood was more important to both of us that we was like, we can't work together. Imagine if people applied that same principle to marriage and friendships. Right, You have a wife or a husband, and over time, living together,

you realize that your lifestyles are different. You realize over time that even the marriage, the way we do business and conduct business in our marriage is different, and neither one of you want to change. That is the moment when you realize it is okay for us to let things go. For you and I, for example, we talk about we over me, right, We're both in it collectively. I'm gonna do what I have to do and evolve

and change. For you, You're gonna do the same thing for me if it were different, And I said, you know what I'm said, in my ways, I like doing things the way I want to and I'm not in a position nor I do I think I ever want to be in a position where I have to change for someone. And you're in a relationship with someone who believes the same thing, you can be in agreement that it's not okay for y'all to be together and be

better apart. We've seen some of our closest friends who've been together longer than Kadine and I decide that they no longer wanted to be together and became better friends because they became healthier partners, and we're able to co parent. And we have friends that have a business together and children together and have been effortless. Their separation and divorce has been effortless because they're in agreement that they believe

in their own way. And I feel that if more people were mature enough to have that conversation and decide that we're not gonna still together for optics, you know, because for me and Brian it was the same thing what we started prototype together. If we split up, people going to think and then we were like, you know what, no one realistically has to know will understand why it happened. Yeah, for sure, businesses dissolved all the time. We can dissolve

the business. I changed the name from Elite Prototype Athletics to Prototype Sports Performance Lab, got a different business partner, and the business thrive. My brothers started coaching at Grand Street Campus, won the city championship, went back and got his master's degree. We had another child. He ended up getting another place, We ended up buying a home. It's like that split made us better individually, but it also did what it was supposed to do when we were together.

Imported y'all the opportunity to say that's amortant business and all that. And that is actually the silver lining around the whole moment of y'all dissolve in the company. We got what we needed out of it. Yes, you did, and he did. You know, Um, you also said something important.

You said what he said to you. You know what what people think if we dissolved the company, and it's what a lot of people experience with divorced For example, right, we know several people who are just in unhappy places in their marriage and just for optics. I don't know if it's for comfort, just feel like I'm just going

to exist in this space. No, I'm not, like you don't think it's just that I think part of it is optics, because we've been conditioned to feel as if if you get a divorce, failure, and most people, for their own psychological reasons, like I'm not going to be a failure, so I'm gonna stay in here miserable as

opposed to finding my peace. What we ultimately have to do is normalize people deciding to make changes in their lives and not being condemned for Normalize people making changes for their betterment, for their well being, for their mental health.

Like we want to throw mental health around so much. Now, it's like if this relationship is no longer serving me in this space, or I know that I am not in a condition or a position to be of service to someone in this space being mature enough to say, you know what, I think we need to let this go and letting people throw I mean, we got one

shot at this one shot. So it's like why it's like, you know, I see an experience, you know, the energy from certain couples around me that I'm just like, man, like, I feel like y'all will just thrive so much better if you were maybe apart. You know, like you hate to be the one to say that, or I can think it internally and never express it, but you just wonder, like, man, I wonder if this couple would be just happier if they're just so different. So let me ask you all,

they are there certain things or not. I won't say red flags because that's just like, but it's there something. Is there anything that you'd be like, you know what, I think divorce may be better for this couple. Are there's certain things you look at in a couple when you say, nah, they need to be divorce because you know, we always work on helping people build, like that's always our biggest thing, is like, let's try to work and communicate. Is there any point where you say, nah, they need

to let this go? I mean I think yeah, I think there's um For example, if a couple are in two different wavelengths, for example, with just what they want out of life, that can be extremely daunting. We had a listener letter recently. I don't know how it's going to roll out in the episodes, but it talked about resentment being built because you know, this person was like a go getter trying to build their business, and we were assessing the situation and thinking, you know, maybe her

spouse was just comfortable with his simple lifestyle. So when you have one person who's always just one person who's always pounding the pavement looking for the next next gig, what's the next move, what's the next one. I'm going to ascend, And then you have one person who is just like content with just I got a roof over my head, I closed on my back, I'm okay with

a simple life. That is a toxic environment to be in because why, you've got one person who always feels like they're putting themselves out on the limb, who's always going to be pushing to be the breadwinner, and then you've got one person who's sitting back saying I'm comfortable. You know, there's so many different emotions from either party that can just be so toxic. That's so funny, Right, part of the reason why my brother and I didn't work in the business was that the same exact reason.

How when I when you think about my life, right, I've always been a dreamer, Right, I went from I want to start a program, I want to own a gym, I want to have multiple gyms. I wanted, like I wanted prototype to be this big national thing. My brother was like, we have a community here in Brooklyn that needs to be service. I'm comfortable servicing the community now. Is he wrong? No? Am I wrong? No? It's just two different mentalities and mindsets working on the same business

and it can't work that way. Because he was hyper focused on the kids in the community, and for me, it was like, yeah, I know, but we have so much that we can give an offer to so many other kids. Why just limited to kids in the community. And for him, he would just he couldn't fathom it. He was just like, how are we going to service the nation about? And I'm thinking about other programs. I thought about doing a prototype or demand, which was an app,

and all this other stuff. And I didn't feel the support from my brother when they came to doing all of those things. He thought I was doing too much right, And then if you if you look at the way our lives have gone right, We've built this platform to help people on a national and international scale. So I was able to do and scale what I wanted to do, and my brother was able to do and scale what he wanted to do because he ended up winning a

city championship in two thousand fifteen. He's the head coach of Canarsi High School now. He does a bunch of free programs for kids in Canarsi right now. And it's like, wow, they both were extremely successful at what they wanted to do. But in that moment when we were together, we couldn't get anything done. We were just moving in circles arguing, yeah,

because you felt like he wasn't doing enough. You felt like you would dragging him along, and he felt like he was the worker b you know, he was the worker being devoured. Was like the innovative mind, and I think you have to also respect people and what they

are comfortable. I was wanting to do, like not everybody is going to be the innovative creative mind, you know, and then what does the innovative creative mind need the worker bees who are actually going to implement and put these you know, ideas into place, and just even knowing being experienced with you and be married to you, like I've told you recently that I feel like you need to do more of being present in the moments that you're in and absorbing and being happy and being grateful

for and also just celebrating yourself in moments of accomplishments. For example, you twenty years ago told me that you want to have your own TV show, and literally almost twenty years to the date, you have your own TV show, Like this was October two and your show premiered September two,

twenty two. And when it hit us when we had this conversation recently, I'm like, do you even realize that, first of all, this was twenty years in the making, So when people see you now or see us now and think like that this ship happened overnight, and oh no, it didn't. Twenty years in the making to the date, and I was just like, oh my, I almost made me emotional. I'm like, devout. You need to be present in this, Like do you understand how big this is?

You have your own show twenty years in you know? And I'm just so happy for that and happy for you in that moment um. But yeah, it was something that we always kind of saw between you and Brian, for example, and I see that in some married couples now where that can be grounds for a divorce because y'all are just not on the same wave like they want different things out of life. But now here's the crazy part, Right, most people are not going to be

in the same wave length. You know what the red flag was or the line in the sand that we had to end the relationship in that way was when the communication stopped. And I used the example with the hair brush as an example for a reason. Right, that hair brush story was a microcosm of what our relationship was. Right, something happens right, something very very small, and it can easily be communicated of what happened, someone can take accountability.

But when you have two people who are both in the relationship to prove that their way of doing things is right, and neither one is willing to listen to the other partner for the better meant of the whole group, that means a communication is done. When we would get around our parents, we wouldn't talk. When we when we got to the gym and got to work, he did his job. I did mind. We didn't talk at that point, especially in a marriage or even a friendship, that's when

it's time to move on. Because, like you said, every relationship realistically has its season, and its season is determined on how much the two people are willing to communicate to help each other out. Once the communication or the ability or the need or the want or the desire to communicate to change for each other ends, that's when the season is done. And that doesn't only have to

be in a relationship. It can also be in a friendship, because we see a lot of friendships who you're friends for five or ten years and now you're no longer friends. Why because y'all live differently, and then in the friendship no longer serves me or serves them. So until we can communicate in a way where it's beneficial for both of us, we need to just let it go. And I feel like we're divorce especially, and I know it sounds bad because people like there's never a reason for divorce.

Yes there is reason for divorce, and those reasons often are outside of the typical or stereotypical this person cheated, had a baby. Sometimes people need to have a divorce because they're just not the same people anymore. You evolve, right, and that's okay. You learn more about yourself over the years. I mean, I feel like we're an anomaly because you know, I mean, we have come across a lot of couples to say, hey, we've been dating since high school or college.

But the fact that we still have the desire, I think that's the that's the component that's the most important. Having the desire to want to continue to pour into and work on and communicate through a relationship, whether it's a friendship, whether it's a family relationship, whether it's a marriage.

That's probably the most important piece. I feel like we've been seeing, at least in social media recently, like every other day someone's popping up divorce and meaning these are like celebrity couples or couples who are just like YO, didn't such and such just get married like they would just posting winning pictures the other day, and now we're

hearing that they're divorced. Um. So some facts and stats we have it says overall the rates of divorce in America is falling, which would make you think the opposite if you're paying attention to social media, that's why social media is not in place. Yeah, exactly, because if you're looking at actual facts and that's that's not the case. Do you understand why divorces are are falling. I think it's I think it's because people are not people getting

married as quick. Agree, you know, so if you're waiting to get married or just the marriage rate in general is lower than divorce rate is going to be lower. But what were you going to say? I would also say that was a good one. But I also going to say our generation is now more communicative. We're we're no longer accepted of tradition traditions. Right, so it's like, oh the whole thing, well, wives going nag, happy wife, happy life. Boys will be boys. Let that man do

what he does. Those were traditions that were extremely toxic that allowed for poor communication skills to where men never had to communicate with the you just do what they want to accept and women were just like they were known as just nags. You didn't know how to communicate. So it was like both parties were taught through traditions and conditioning that communication doesn't solve anything. Just let them

do what they do and stay married for optics. But look what you just said about that generation right now. Another fact is divorces amongst people aged fifty plus years are rising, So now that makes it's fed up, and they're just like, I'm not doing this more. Not only fed up though, they're actually finally talking to each other and realizing like, hey, we don't have to stay together, and that's okay, you know what I'm saying. So I

don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. It's like people are speaking and deciding what's what's advantageous for us individually, us as a couple, and also the kids that are involved, well the kids. So now that makes me think of these couples who are now fifty years plus their kids

are our age. We're the ones that are now encouraging dialogue between our parents generation for example, right, absolutely, how any times have you or I had to step in almost like you know, a mediator or counselor or a therapist for our parents, because we're seeing things now as adults that were just like, well god damn, like I really don't just like not talk to each other yet, you know, And to be fear, our parents weren't given the tools by their parents, absolutely not how to be

more communicative. You know. It's like as as you learn better as a different generation, you should do better. And sometimes doing better doesn't mean you do better for the next generation. Sometimes you gotta you gotta circle the block. You'll spend the block and be like, hey, mom and dad,

have y'all ever tried this? This is something that we've learned watching your generation, And a lot of times these people are looking at each other and be like, you know what, the kids are right And all the time we thought we were doing stuff to save that doing it for the kids, and they're really telling us how that didn't really save them together for the kids. That generation now is like, oh, ship, our kids are grown, Like we're not doing this facade thing anymore. Because we

have comming together for the kids. We can go our every way and enjoy what's left of our life, which I applaud that when people make that decision, um fewer couples choose to marry than pre more people are married in one than in nineteen sixty. So this one that says fewer couples choose to marry than for example, I guess I guess what they're saying is a fewer couples choose to marry me couples will be together and have these compentations decides you know what marriage isn't for me?

That's true because marriage isn't for everybody. The marriage isn't to be all the end all. We talked about this all the time. Choosing marriages like choosing to be a vegan. It's a lifestyle choice, it's not a lifestyle obligation. You don't lose cool points because you're not vegan. You don't lose cool points because you're not married. But that's the case nowadays, because back in the day that wasn't the case.

If a woman is rolling on her thirties and she's not married yet, now it's just like, well, why isn't she married? What's wrong with her? And that was back in the day when socio economically, women had a better chance of advancing in society if they were married, and it was a status thing. But now women have better careers, they're doing their own things, so now it's like I don't need to have a man to feel fulfilled or

to move upwardly in society. So socio economically things have changed for women in this country, which which have also affected so many of these different stats. For sure, they're around six hundred and thirty thousand divorces in the US. That was a tough time two people was at home. People couldn't it was at home and couldn't escape. You know, thinking of how many people are in the US and that rate, I don't think that it doesn't seem that high.

I guess we'd have to know against how many people were actually married, and most Americans who fought for divorce to do so between January and March. That's because people be fed up around Valentine's Day. Let me tell you something, No mana tired and not getting shipped on Valentine's Day. Well, y'all got all of these expectations. Y'all want diamonds and chocolins and rings and all this other stuff, and y'all want wine, and all y'all offer us is booty. And

then if y'all get wine, you'll get too tired. They can't even give us no booty, so we just we just go to sleep on Valentine's Day pissed. That's really why people getting divorced here. Well, Triple had a good point earlier pre show. She was just like, maybe people are like, we'll give it to the end of the year,

like you know, having a new fresh start. It's just like a hard I gave it to December thirty one, you know, or my New Year resolutions, dude, exactly, or you know, you know, let me get my last Christmas gift round, you know, before I make my my exit. So um, that's interesting that they're trying to get divorced before tax time because they're like, I'm I'm filing separate, Okay, I wanted to be away from him. Get my coin bag, baby, okay. So um, those are interesting to see. So how do

you let go? In six simple steps? All right? Now? Now these are steps? And I want to say that because Triple is happily single, which means she knows how to let people go. She'd be letting my fuckers go. Are you happy lea single, Triple or are you on the hunt? You want to prowd? That's what we want to there. I'm just playing. Okay, listen, guys, shoot your shots, but don't be surprised if she blocks you. Step one, block, block block. Assess your values. What do you find most

important in your life? Make a list of your values and the ways you honor them. I love that, Yeah, I love that. I mean that's the core of where everything starts for people. And I'm like, if she don't align there at the very base of core values, then off to the wrong start. I like these. I like that because I feel you have to be or try your best to be as complete of a person as you can when entering into a relationship, as opposed to

late waiting for someone to complete you. You understand what I'm saying, because if you're waiting for that person to complete you, they can't. It's impossible for them to complete anything that you already haven't completed in yourself. So then you end up just pointing the finger and finding guilt in that person and trying to make them feel like they are the worst person because they haven't completed you.

A relationship can't work like that, right or then if you decide to go separate ways or that person who was completing you quote unquote leaves, then what your life is in shambles and you feel like half of your life left with you. That's assess your situation. Does it align with or go against your values? Does the situation force you to betray yourself by directing you away from the things that are most important to you? So let me ask you a question that's interesting because we're talking

about this. Why is it that so many women say they lost themselves in their relationship? That's not That's not typically something you hear a man say. You typically hear women say, you know, you know, I you know, I lost who I was and now it's time for me to find who I was who I am now as individual, even even in marriages or after having kids. Why do

so many women say they lost themselves? Um? I think that's because we care so much about wanting to be everything that we need our spouse or are significant other to be that. Sometimes you find yourself just really in this rat race of trying to appease somebody else, or to be of service to somebody else, or to pour into somebody else that along the way, you're just like ship, what do I like? Again? Like the focus is just shifted from you to somebody else. I'm gonna tell you

what I think it is. You don't think it's that, No, it is. I think it's the way we've been brought up. Men have been conditioned to go out there and conquer so a wild get get find ourselves, do what we want, where women have been conditioned to be selected by a man. Right, Like, if you think about the value proposition, right, even for women. Right, a woman can be the president of the United States

if she's single. You know what they're gonna say, She's not run the country, but she can't keep a man, you see what I'm saying. So I feel like society has put all this pressure on women to prove her value by showing that she can be acceptable by be accepted a chosen by a man. So I feel like a lot of times women go into relationships saying, Okay, that's the type of man I want to be accepted by, So let me see what I have to do in order to be accepted. You know, it's more like curtailing

your lifestyle to be accepted. Yes, and almost a song and dance, yes, right, And this is this is just my my humble opinion. You know what I'm saying. Of course this I'm not a woman, so I know what goes into it. But when I look at society and I see the way we all interact, it's always a show. Right. So, for example, a woman's value proposition is to prove that she's acceptable or she can be received by a man or kept by a man for a man. It's how many women can you have? And how much money can

you make to show your value as a man. See how different that is. So for us, it's never oh well you don't got a wife, or it's not a grooming yourself for a man. Right, right, you're not grooming yourself. Particularly, you're not wooming yourself for a woman. And if a man is single, and they may call him immature and say why she why he chases so many young girls, but he never loses his value for being an older man and not having a wife. So for him, his

purpose in life has been shifted. His purpose in life is shifted to looking for wealth or power or or conquering so many different women. That's what his what he sees his value in. And I think it's toxic for both men and women to exist in that space. And we've talked about this before because if we're teaching and grooming men to live in that space, but then we're teaching women to try to find a man to be

accepted by. Right, how do those two people come together and have a relationship if they're not groomed to be for each other? What I'm saying, So, that's that's what I think it is. When when when women say they lost themselves because even even our friends that we know, you know, it was just like you never liked that before. Now you're dating this guy, and all of a sudden, you you like that, Like you know what that's different that when people when people kind of like start to

um your right life. What was it? I think it was one of your cousins you said, like whenever he's dating a certain kind of woman, like he's all into their coach. He's just like he instantly becomes Puerto Rican or instantly becomes Jamaican, Like depending on who he's dating. It's just like who are you today? Absolutely accept yes, looking for because he wants to you know, he wants

to be a part of that. Right. You have a family member that has never been married, doesn't have any children, he's a male and he's just living his best life knowing that he never wanted to be married, never had children, and just is rocking out. No, he wanted to be married. Oh he didn't want to be married, but he never wanted to settle. He was never going to settle with someone just because he was going to be judged by people for not being married. You know what I'm saying.

And if we're being honest. The only thing that happens, especially in that he's an older gentleman in those generations, is people often say, sometimes well he's not married. Was he gay? But even that has changed from because now it's like, dude, like, he don't want to be married. He just got mad chicks and he just don't want to be bogged down by one person. But when I did ask him about it, I was just like, yo, you never wanted to get married? Said, of course I did.

I wanted to get married, and of course I wanted to have children. But he never wanted to settle. That's that's also kind of admirable because I know a lot of a lot of people who would have just been like, all right, well, I mean this person, you know, checks about my boxes, so we're gonna try to make it work, you know, And then on the opposite side and they're miserable. True, very true. I mean he's contenting the fact that he's

not married. It seems like he's not content. He's happy, right, he's not content, Like when I speak to him, he's not like, that's true. I'm doing okay of here. He always smiling, always somewhere. That is and we see him, we always see him with an attractive woman around his age, so he's still definitely doing his thing. But yeah, he's

moving freely. I'm just trying to think if it was the other way around, and then you have a woman who's of his age, for example, in there, what they're going to it's just going to get that quote unquote old made syndrome, like, oh, she's all made with nobody but living her best life him and they get together and they have a good time, you know, absolutely. And the thing is there is never too old. You know, we hear all the time now on social media people

find loving the fifties, sixties, you know. I just I just feel like the way society has conditioned us, the old you know, the patriarchy has created you know, a generation of people now who find themselves kind of lost, especially especially for women. You know, you can do all these great things, and if you're not married by a

certain age, your value diminishes because and not married. I think, and I do think that that's going to change because our generation and the generations after us are speaking more about the value that you can bring to life without having children of being married. But I think it's also changing from the men in particular, a lot more men. If you see, especially in our communities, men are championing, championing other men who have families and you traditional ways

to bring forth and pass forth generational wealth. Yeah. Right, so we we see like like the dad guys, all men who are men who are married or were married, who are invested in their families, invested in their children, who aren't um considering their value in how many women they've slept with or how much money they make. Their value is determined by how good of a father they are.

And the more that changes, you'll see a lot more marriages going up, in a lot more of the divorce rate going down, which is proven, and marriage rates going up because people want to aspire to that. There's still people who aspire to be married and aspired to have absolutely know the quote unquote white picket fence and things like that. Um, you know. So I just think the onus isn't knowing exactly what you want, all right. Number three, Acknowledge the good. While the situation may be bad now,

it wasn't always that way. It's okay to remember the good times finally and express gratitude for them, But it is important to acknowledge that those good times are not what is present. So that's pretty cool, just healthy. It's healthy to know like, at one point this was good, but it's no longer serving. You know, one thing I can't stand in divorces. When people get divorced and now everything that that person did was the worst thing ever.

I loved that person at fact. Don't don't go don't walk around now acting like that person is the devil, Okay, because if that's the case, you loved the devil at some point, you know, at some point, like people change, things happen, situations, and Kenina and I always say this, what came first? The chicken and the egg. Everyone has a story as to why they hate their ex. Right, he did this, she did this. Then you asked the person, well,

he did this, she did that. What happened first? No one wants to claim what was the start of this snowball that created the divorce. So let's not even go there. Let's talk about the happy times and remember that you know you're both humans, you both have good redeeming qualities. Remember that in that separation, and be like, you know what, I loved you for this reason and allow people who are mutual friends of yours to not have to decide

to pick the side. Bro. For the love of God, y'all liked each other at some point, and then we liked y'all too right. We may not have liked y'all together, but we could like y'all as individuals, and we can continue to like y'all as individuals after the fact. But I think sometimes when that letting go divorce process happens, it's like, who side are you going to be on?

First of all, I'm on the side of the Lord, and then secondly, I don't feel like I have to necessarily choose a side, because why, there's certain things I liked about you as an individual, and you as an individual you didn't do me wrong. In that situation, I might feel away because you did my friend wrong. But there comes a point where people kind of naturally, I think, will gravitate to one side. And what makes that a case is when usually they split and they're not on

good terms. For example, our friends that split and they're on good terms, we can easily and freely still be friends with both of them because they both can co exist in the space together. They both are okay being around each other. They still go to each other's events. So we go to both events. They have events, and it's like, well, they they're amicable, and they were mature enough to understand that they still love each other and they're still friends. When I tell you, they have the

most beautiful divorce I've ever seen in my life. I've never seen anything like it. And I told them, I said, y'all need to write a book on divorce. You know what I'm saying, because when you speak to the two of them, right, you know, sometimes you speak to people who divorced and the first thing they said, huh this motherfucker. No, No, they're like, you know what your friends you know, I

love him or I love friend. It's like that, y'all still say y'all love each other, you know, And and they still they like like this says they remember the good times and they don't push those aside because the bad times of the reason why they're no longer together, that's important. Those good times got them in a position

where they're good to be okay as individuals, you know. Um, And then's tis you end up in a situation like we have another set of friends who divorced it, and I'm just like, I just always kind of liked you more than I liked you, so I just naturally became a little bit closer to you, Like it just happens like that, And it's not because you're not together anymore, but as a couple, sometimes you gotta take the deal.

You gotta take the package, and you know, you tend to connect more with one person in the couple, So you know, don't let your friends who have to coexist with y'all feeling uncomfortable and ship all right because that ship is awkward. Allow yourself to grieve. It may be hard at first, but the end of anything always requires you to grieve, except that it is the end, and let yourself feel what comes up in this knowing pretty straightforward, straightforward.

I think everything that comes in the time to grieve. You can't expect people to seeing ending something so finite and then just be normal the next day. The grieving process is often the empathy the outside people should have for those who are going through those emotions, because realistically, we never listed in that relationship, so we don't know what emotions are happening. So telling people you know, move

on already move on already. That to me, that's that's probably the worst thing you can tell someone because now you're you're not validating their feelings and you're making them feel as if they don't have a reason to grieve, and a lot of times that creates confusion, and that create that confusion can often create depression and anxiety. It's like then they start second guessing, am I not supposed to feel the way? And if I do feel the way,

what's wrong with me? Then that that what's wrong with me? Begins the self loathing process and it's even harder to move on when you're self loathing. Well, yeah, because like you said, usually we see, for example, divorce or anything ending as a failure when ending something or or even terminating a business or ending a job, like sometimes that's

actually a reason. Have you seen people having divorce parties? Now? Yes, people are just like yo, I'm celebrating the fact that I can now reactlimate myself in a single life and this is going to serve me better. Absolutely so absolutely that works. Release it, acknowledge to yourself that you're letting go of what you're ending. Adopt and mindfulness or faith practice so that you can learn how to let difficult moments and thoughts move through you more easily instead of

being stuck. Yeah. I have a lot of friends who have made transitions or ended certain relationships and that in turn brought them closer to God, for example, because that was their way of, you know, like it says faith practice, that was their way of trying to have y'all lean on, lean on the Lord, lead on the Lord, or just find a way to I guess cope. This is like a way to cope to me. I think it's very simple to Releasing is understanding that you cannot control everything

in life. Holding onto things that you can't control will will often leave you heartbroken, but set you up for ultimate failure. You set those expectations where you think you control everything right, and then when you can't control it, those are failures. You're trying to control stuff that you can't control, and every time it comes out of control, you feel like you failed. That's when you start to feel inadequate, when in reality, you couldn't control it anyway.

So how could you feel inadequate about something you could never control but you kept trying to control and you failed at it. You gotta learn how to release things. For example, you're in a relationship with someone, you cannot control how that person feels about you. This is a fact, right. You can love them in every love language that they require. You can buy them gifts, you can take them on trips,

you can do everything. But if that person is just not feeling the same way about you as you felt about them, you never can control that, and you never could control that. The idea that you can buy a person's feelings, or love language of person's feelings, or sex of person's feelings is just wrong, And that's how you set yourself up for failure. Release it. Wake up in the morning every morning knowing that that person doesn't have an obligation to love me. That person has to make

a choice. And if that person decided on this day that they no longer loved me, that's okay because I was never in control of that in the beginning. Easier said than then, though, because I'll last. So you in boy, real quick, if you decide one day you don't love me no more, you know it's funny. You know it's funny. I don't know's it's funny. You say that we should have U. I want to have a podcast with a group of guys and girls because we often talk about this.

They say that guys can have sex with girls and just walk away and night care not have a commotional connection. But they say women tend to have more of an emotional connection right now when they talk about physiologically and emotionals and stuff like that. We're all built different, right.

You guys have estrogen, we have to stop them. Certain hormones and certain physiological differences allow us to move on differently, and it makes it that much harder sometimes to even understand each other, which is a scientific fact, right, Which is a scientific fact. But I think that's also important for men to understand when you lay down with a woman and you have a soul tie, for you to just say and the same for me, and walk away

maybe easier for you than her. So it's important men to have empathy for women who you're trying to have relationship with, even if it doesn't work out. I'm not saying be sympathetic and stay with her just because of her feelings, but be empathetic and choose your words wisely as to why you no longer being wanted be in that relationship. That can help a woman release. You know what I'm saying, and I'm not sitting here trying to make it seem like women are weaker so you have

to do things this way. No, what I'm saying. Let's own up to the fact that we are different, like physiologically, we are different beings. So the approach to being a part has to be handled differently. You know, understand what I'm saying. And then also to um, you know, I don't know if it's a thing or not or for something that we're just saying because it sounds right to say it. But women, now I'm hearing, are having more transactional sex and they can be the ones to go

away from those situations. And does does that leave the man? Now? I kind of butt her like Dan, like she just kind of hit and run. I'm like, maybe I didn't hit it right. No, that that goes down. I'm glad she might have was in it for what she wanted and she kept it pushing. Okay, I'm glad you brought that up because it is exactly what you said. Right. Men have been socially conditioned to believe that we can have sex with women and walk away have no emotional

ties and that women have more emotional ties. But oftentimes you run into that woman who was just like you, will make her own money, who do her own thing, who just be like, yeah, I wanted some dick, And now the dude is like what and and that dude, yeah, sometimes that dude is like, it's not even that I wanted to be with her, it's the fact that she she took the liberty to decide that she didn't want

to be with me. And that's what hurts you, know what I'm saying, And that that happens as society changes, right, those soul ties back in the day. Think about it. If you you grew up in the forties and the fifties and your only way to advance socially was to find a wealthy man, and now you're competing with other women for that same wealthy man. That wealthy man decides to sleep with you, right, but then wants to marry

Mary E Joe Beth. So now you gave this man part of yourself, but you're still at home with your parents because it's the forties and women aren't allowed to work, and they the gap for wages and during that time for women that did work with so small that now you're working, but you're living with your parents, and he went on and married Mary Beth after sleeping with you.

That's a different type of pain than in the ninth in when you sleep with that guy who you think is wealthy, and then he goes and sleeps with with Mary Beth. But your value that seven figures as a woman, so you can go on to do you know what I'm saying. It's different, you know what I'm saying. So so people need to understand that all of those different mentalities have changed a lot. It ain't the same ball game, y'all. And last, but not least, give yourself time acceptance is key.

Right to accept the ending, give yourself time away from it. Try your best to keep your attention away from the past and in the present moment, because what out of sight, out of mind? Oh trip, Let me tell you something about doctor Trible. This this one right here, to accept the ending, give yourself time away from it. I agree with that. Yes, sometimes you just have the cold turkey walk away, cut and cut the tie and go sometimes,

but I think that this is important. People have to realize that your your love life, especially in divorce, is only one aspect of your life. When that part ends, your life doesn't end. Think about it. If you're a parent, if you're a career person, you have extended family, you have friends. Just because one aspect of your life is changing, that doesn't mean that the rest of your life stops.

And oftentimes we focus on the one thing that we can't control, and when we can't control that one aspect, it seems like our whole life is out of control because you're you're so blind, you're hyper focused on the one thing that's not going in your favor. At the moment,

we depressed, we got anxiety. You're taking time off, you're neglecting your kids, you're staying away from your friends, you're saying away from your family, You're isolating yourself because you're not removing yourself from that one little piece and realizing, like, wait a minute, I have a ton of other things that should be grateful, happy and excited about, and your hyper focused on the one thing you can't control. That

to me, this number six is key. Give yourself time away. Okay, this part of the relationship is ending, it's not working. Let me not wake up every day and see if this person texts me let me not check their Facebook or the Instagram or the Twitter every day to see what they're doing. We focus on other things. That's healthy. That's healthy absolutely. All right, sounds good. I think we're gonna take a quick break now and come back and see what you got today. Today we'll be talking about

and listening letters. All right, stick around, all right, We're back for talking about letting go, the and go of relationships and go hairlines. I mean, all the letting go is happening today. I'm not letting it goack. Not only it's giving stress free mother President, I'm a client. Anyway, let's see what you got to talk about today. I hand codeine. I want to say I love you guys podcast. I had a great time at the live event in New York. Gass the live shows was so popping, y'all

because he loved the long ponytails is thank you. Listen to the long ponytails are making I come back, baby. Janelle's out here, you know, starting trends and whatnot. To the floor now, shout out to Janelle silly Smith after that long ponytail with the rings in between. We've seen it four separate times, and we saw it on Fashion Week, Fashion Week, So give my girl Janelle Silly Smith a credit period. It's the first time I've seen it period and then I used it that night. I had the rails.

I was holding onto the rail talk about it last So okay, it was given Stallion. It was giving Stallion was like, alright, girl, she says she needs some advice. Slash and honest opinion. My boyfriend and I have been together since senior year of high school, a prom date turned into a wonderful twelve year in counting love story. After high school, I went to college, got a degree,

and now work in corporate. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has had a different career path of not being able to complete college, part time jobs, living paycheck to paycheck, and now finally a certified HVACT technician a trade. Okay, my boyfriend is thirty and I'm twenty nine years old. I'm at the point where I want to get married and have kids. We've been together way too long to not be moving towards marriage. So I gave him an ultimatum that he needs to propose to me by the

end of this year two or I'm out. He agreed, but his mind is so focused on the money aspect. He is not financially stable, he says, I don't understand since my path was easy he compared to his. We both know that I make more money and he won't be near my level anytime soon. I do tell him that we are a partnership, a team, but he's not buying it. The question I have is and my waiting on a proposal is more? Is waiting on a proposal

more important? Love or money stability? Our love bond is strong, but at the same time, is it okay knowing I may have to pay for everything in the future, expenses, nights out or vacations, or that I might need to do things alone. He's a great man and will be a great father. He just settled into a career path much later in life, and the advice you can give me is much appreciated. Um, hold on, let me just recap, and you know when you read sometimes you just let

me make sure I get Yeah. So, um it already is giving resentment because I can see how this is going to build into resentment in a relationship, especially if they're trying to get married. I already know that Devout has said in the past and have a plan, and their plan is typically to make sure that they feel like they're financially stable enough to be able to care

for a spouse and then care for future children. Because that goes on us to where we talked about social conditioning and how women are conditioned to look for acceptance in the man for their value. A man's value is determined by how much money he makes right and how much he can provide for a future family and spouse. So I think putting the pressure and the ultimatum on him is not going to take things anywhere, especially if he is already just financially not going to babe the

kid period Um. It's just literally comes down to the math of everything. And I can already foresee that if she's the one that's going to be the breadwinner and taking on all the responsibility in the household, the resentment is already start insists, Like we had a very similar letter about this before, and I know people in this this exact situation, and as a woman, you begin to feel like, you know, damn, like I'm the one that has to play the quote unquote man role in this relationship.

I think like this, they're thirty now, right, She's five years away from becoming considered geriatric for having children. So I understand her sense of urgency. It's like, Yo, we've been together since we were eighteen is twelve years now, I'm thirty. I want to have kids. You're finally getting settled in a career, which means I'm gonna probably have to wait another couple of years for you to be able to say I'm excuse me, I'm comfortable getting engaged.

Then we have to wait another couple of years to say I'm comfortable getting married. Then it's another couple of years say I'm comfortable having children. That puts her into what late thirties. It's way more difficult for a woman to have a baby in her late thirties. So I get her sense of urgency, but I also understand where he's coming from. At no point did she say that he was a deadbeat. She said that he was trying

to figure out his place in life. He finally became an h VAC technician, so he's found his place, or what he wants to do is gonna take time to build. Doesn't mean that he doesn't want to build with her. It just didn't happen on her timeline, And this is what happens with so many men and women. Her timeline isn't matching his timeline. So do you leave a man that you love, who you think is gonna be a great father and husband to find someone who's more in

your timeline? That man maybe on your timeline, But what if he's an asshole? What if he's a narcissistic, money hungry type of dude who's just gonna use you as a trophy wife and you'll not be happy you have some kids, will tell you to sit your ass at home while he goes out and do whatever he want to do. He was on your timeline to get married, because you got married what you want, but he's not loving you the way this man has been loving you

since eighteen. Like you can't you can't just decide that my timeline is more important than love and what I see for myself. That's my biggest thing. That's my biggest issue with with women is like everything has to be on your timeline. And my biggest issue with men is not understanding that their timeline exists for a reason. Biologically. They can't sit back and fucking wait for you to figure it out in your late thirties, like they can't bro like, like we as a community of people have

to start realizing that these are realities. Right. A woman's biological clock is real. The reason why I get passionate about this is because we had our fourth child, Kay had postpartum pre clamshure and could have died. That's the reality that she could have died having a baby that much later in life because her body has already gone through its prime of having children. Women don't want to think about that. As a husband, I don't want to

think about that. What if I wasn't where I wanted to be in my life, and I kept pushing back and pushing back, and we went to have our first child at thirty eight and something happened and we lost the child. Now we try to go again at thirty nine and forty and and your body can't do it. I can understand how resentment can come from a woman at that point, if she waited that long and now her body is saying they can't. I wholeheardly understand that.

And then as a man I could I could see how say I wanted to have a child, and I want to have multiple kids, and I only had one child. You have to make a decision as a man what your timeline is gonna be as well. And ladies y'all have to understand if your timeline is that important, be upfront about it from the very beginning and let them know exactly what you're looking for and why, right Because I mean, she said twelve years they've been together, So

twelve years they've been working at this relationship. And the fact that they've been able to grow together through these twel years, I think is already admirable. And her trying to sell to him the point that they were a team or a partnership. I think it's nice and I think her heart's in the right place. The same way with you, and I was like some moments I had it and you didn't, and vice versa. You had and

then I didn't. But we knew wholeheartedly together that we were a team, and you felt okay leaning on me in those moments because why you were pounding the pavement to be able to then take us out of the situation that we were in, and then the roles switched to where you were the breadwinner. It went back and forth a lot for us and didn't go back and forth and back and forth a lot. I was the

bread winner for the first three years. Even though you were making more consistent money, I still made my own money, but there was not talking about more when you were like build your business and happen to kind of start from scraps. Oh no, no, I understand what you're saying, But even in that moment, you weren't the breadwinner at that time. I still made more money, but I relied on your money to make sure all the bills are paid,

was reinvesting. That was a partnership. But I think it's different when she makes more money than him, so he can't even contribute as much as she can. Write that right there, for dynamic purposes is going to be an issue between the two of them, especially if they want she wants to have kids, because if she has to step back for a year or two to focus on

the kids, he can't support that. Right So my issue with that is when you give someone an ultimatum, an ultimatum only gets what you want at that time, but that doesn't put the person you gave the ultimatum too in a positive space to continue to provide that for you for the longevity of the relationship. So when you say to somebody we need to get married now, I'm out. He could bend to that right and say, fine, fine,

I'm going to propose right like I did. Remember you said you didn't want to be living our girlfriend anymore, So I propose knowing that I wasn't ready to be married. Right then you said let's get married because you don't want to be engaged too long. You didn't give me an ultimatum, but you pretty much was telling me like, you gotta ship to get off the pot. Right. So we got married and we weren't in a good financial space for me to be the type of husband I

could be, and we struggled the first five years. So you ultimately got what you wanted, but it wasn't perfect. And that's what I'm saying. Giving people an ultimatum to get what you want in that time doesn't work, especially if you're only focused on the title and the wedding and not focused on the marriage. If you're really focused on the marriage and its totality, and the marriage, if you really want to be married to someone, is infinite, So there's no amount of time that's going to go

out with the marriage. Expires until somebody dies, So you're forcing somebody. You're forcing somebody to get married to you so you can have a wedding on your time without thinking about the marriage. To me, it's just shortsighted, you know what I'm saying. I don't believe in ultimately. I just don't. Hey, I understand the biological clock, but ultimatums never worked. Alright, girl, Hopefully that helps specs a little things into perspective for you. Um, all right, we got

one more listening letter. Let's see what we got here. What's up, Codeine and Devout? I'm K from Houston. What's up, K, and I've been a long time listening since the i G videos and the start of the podcast. Thank you so much. I have a situation with a young woman I've been involved with for about four years. We've had a very rough relationship. Within that time, I found out that the child she had in two thousand nineteen wasn't mine.

I stuck around and told her that we can work through it, and everything was good until she started acting very masculine once she moved out on her own. Within the four years, I hoped her get two cars, with one being in my name that I ended up getting from her. Upon getting her newer and much better car, she started to act like she didn't want to spend time with me. The sex stopped, and every time I wanted to talk, she would always tell me not right now.

And it's been like that for four years. Do what are we talking about at this point? Honestly speaking, I've been verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused by this woman. By the by the way, she's twenty three and I'm twenty nine as of right now. She ended up having another baby by the same type of guy who denied it was. We decided to call the quits. I don't air quotes because she couldn't stay away from she, We couldn't stay away from each other, Okay. I stuck by her side

through that as well. Do she using you? Recently? I got fed up with the way I've been treated, so I let her know how I've been feeling for the last few years. Long story short, this woman had the nerve to tell me that I wasn't always there for her when every time I was trying to be there for her, she ghosted or since or sent me the voicemail. Dude, she's clearly using you. And she told me everything I told her to use it against me. She's a narcissist.

She's recently she's recently behind on a lot of her bills because she has grown people saying to her that she can't I'm staying with her. What does happ do that she that I can't even help her? And I managed to get from money to catch up? Why my rent and her cardinal? Should I leave this bitch? Bro? She's been going, you don't have her? Why are you here? You don't have her? Dude? This is this you can you ain't at bro? This is clear. This is clear, and I'm gonna say this on on on the podcast.

Narcissism is not a male trade, Okay, anybody can be a narcissist. I see on social media all the time. The minute a man uses manipulation to get a woman to do something, Oh, he's a narcissist. He's a narcissist. What about the women who use children to manipulate their their baby fathers. What about the women who use sex to manipulate in relationships? What about the women who use the fact that they need help the danceel in distress their narcissists as well, and they know who they can

pull that ship with. And you were one of them, bro. Absolutely definition of a burger. It's giving burgers all. He's twenty three, which means he's extreme. Know, he's twenty nine and he's twenty nine. She's twenty three, which means she's young. Right, She's young, so she's Instagram life too. She's probably just like, oh, I got this older dude, because you're the older dude to her who's going to take care of her, take care of her while she's out there and two kids

with other people people. She was never yours, Bro, She's not in now Here's the reality, right. He's delusional in his mind and he thinks that that's his woman, right, And the reason why he thinks that's his woman is because he continues to provide stuff for her. Remember when I said man to find their value, they find their value and saying I can take care, I can provide,

I can That's this right. Here is the version of toxic masculinity that we don't ever see, the version that a man is so toxic, toxically masculine that he allows a woman to treat him like ship because he feels like a man because he can take care of her. Oh my good, that was the word. He has to get that, he has to get that. Come on, I think you're a great dude, but does She's just not the one for you, man, And that ain't your kid

giving her money? Leave her alone? And he says, she's living with adults who clearly know that you're the guy that's taking taking care of them, the collective them. Bro, I'm sorry used that last sense? And should I leave this? Help me? Please? Okay? This to me? Kay? Okay, where's the camera? Okay? Okay, bye, don't listen. She's communicated to you how she feels. You gotta believe it when she says it. She says you want there for her. She says she don't want to be with you. Believe her.

Move on, let it go, let do let it go, let it go, let it go. Everything's gonna work out. Okay, country music, But yeah, she goes to be she'd be goste you and send need to voicemil that she wants to answer when she needs money. Period. All right, y'all, If you want to be featured as a listener letter, email us at dead as sid advice at gmail dot com. That's D E A D S S A d V I C E at gmail dot com. All right now, moment of truth time. We're talking about letting it go.

Letting it go, whether it's divorce, when things are no longer serving you, whatever the relationship may be. It maybe a job, like I said it maybe in her line. But when you decide, how do you decide to let it go? What is your moment of truth? Baby, moment of truth when things are no longer serving you and you can't be of service to the person that you feel you want to be of service to, it's okay to let it go. Divorce, I'm gonna get to take a line from my son, divorce is a mark, not

a tattoo. It won't last forever. The minute you find something on and you move on and you let it go, find something better, baby, It's a mark, not a tattoo. That is a fact. I like that one there. Um. I think my moment of truth is letting go or putting an end to whatever the relationship may be. It can be a toxic marriage, it can be a toxic relationship.

It can be a job that's not fulfilling. Those things are not necessarily failures, and we have to stop the narrative and stop the dialogue around that being a failure. Sometimes it's just a lesson. Sometimes it's a moment for you to say, you know what, this did not work for me in this season. This relationship is no longer serving me in this season. It's taking its course, and

it's time for me to grow and move on. And you'd be surprised how when we don't look at some of these endings as failures, they become new beginnings, opportunities for you to flourishes. To be a failure, it can also be a victory. Yeah, think about how much you can flourish when you're not carrying that baggage anymore. Sometimes letting it go can be a victory. All right, y'all

be sure to follow us on social media. The podcast page is dead As the podcast and you can find me at Cadine I Am and I Am Devoted and if you live sening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe as dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead As to podcasts and never miss a thing