Learning From the Mistakes of Others

by their own experiences. I don't really want to hear it. The biggest thing I learned in life was that a smart man learns from his own mistakes, but a wise man learns from the mistakes of others. Oh that's a good one. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the Ellis. You may know us from posting fundy videos without board and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need derby most days. And one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are.

We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of the life's most taboo topics. Most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. Where we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts. One honey, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take Philow's off to a whole new levels. Starts now. All right, listen, man, I'm gonna be honest with y'all. Man, I'm tired of people with our kids

asking me or telling me how to raise my kids. Man, I ain't solicit no advice from y'all. Mo fos. Okay, I'll give you a perfect example. My homeboy, my buddy, my pal, one of my best friends, says to me, he feels like I'm spending too much money on my kid's first birthday parties. How dare you You don't got no kids? Okay, alright, he got no kids, zero zilch. How are you gonna tell me I'm doing too much for my first kids when I'm three kids into this

and you ain't got no kids. I didn't ask for that, Are you willing to donate? Let me tell you something about advice, all right, If people don't ask for it, don't give it all right, And if you have not lived through what I'm living through, don't tell me how to live through what I'm living through until you live through it. Because you know what's funny now right, he got a kid. He got a kid, now right, the watch when that baby first birthday come around. You know

I'm gonna be there with my calculator. Right, I'm sending him let them and I in closed it with kids when I write him, he been get it on time. I forgot about that was singing some more, but you brought it back. I forgot that part. Tom wasn't hold you remember when you wrote me that long ass letter. It was four pages and bad in script. My eyes was hurting trying to be even write in script anymore. No, they have laptops. I know. I kind of want to teach our kids like, you know, penmanship as we used

to call it back in the day. Do that to boys. They got big hands. You know how it feels to write independent, have the whole. That's why how they're gonna sign their names on documents. Let me tell you they had documents. Um, women, This is a theory I have and I think it's true. Listen to me tell me growing up, okay, teaches me, like the boys always have bad handwriting, always have bad handwriting, right, the girls always

had beautiful penmanship. But there's a reason why we have larger hands and bigger knuckles, right, But we all right with the same size pin. You know, this guye of cramps, I used to get right in my hand. I had to write my name in script over and over the fat joints though them fat pencils, and what I look

like a fat pencil in my hand. I mean, it's not the most aesthetically pleasing thing to but it wasn't fair and probably would have been popping as opposed to think about it, that was sexist that you made us right with the same pen knowing that we had challenges growing up as young young black men, maybe we should revisit that for sure, definitively sure. So we're talking about letters today, our listener letters, which we love to hear from y'all. Some of y'all be writing these four page

letters too. We can't get through four pages letters from each email, y'all, so we had to keep it a little more concise. But our email box is overflowing, and we just really appreciate your support. We love you guys so much, so we wanted to dedicate a specific show to just answering some questions talking about advice. Also, we want to be clear, I don't like giving advice, for sure. I hate giving advice for sure, but I don't mind giving my perspective based on the things that I've been through.

So when we give you the guys these advice to listen to letters, we often give you the advice based on what we've gone through. Excuse me, based on what we've gone through and also how we've lived through it, saying so I'm not a professional. I'm not telling you this is what you should do. I'm saying, hey, we've been through that, and this is how we dealt with Yeah, and we don't profess to be experts on anything that

we speak about here. We're just giving our opinions for sure, if y'all see in devols, But we want to give you all two cents and just you know, see, my partnership is not that bad. I'm I'm taking I'm going to go practice now. I think you should totally practice for sure, for sure. So, yeah, after we had that birthday party for all three of our kids. Just to tie it back to story of time. You know, everyone has their particular idea of what you should spend money

on and what you shouldn't. People tell us all the time that they think that having first birthday parties are having weddings or having these celebrations that are big, and you spend lots of money on our pointless and you can put that somewhere else. No, no, this is what we say. This is what they say. First of all, you had that baby that wasn't needed for the kids, that was for the pyramids. You've got damn right, absolutely you damn right. My wife carry this damn baby for

ten whole months. I dealt with her crazy asked for ten whole months. It was time to celebrate. When needed a drink, folks. So he bought everybody and drink. But everybody drink. We had a good time, celebrated life. See, for us, it's about the memory. It's about the moment, Like every single of our every single first birthday of our children were memorable. Who was there the experience that

we had. It's about sometimes creating the memories. So I get the whole practical side of it, where it's like you know, we don't want to spend the money on it. However, there's certain things that money cannot. We celebrate life on one number two, we cut the cake. Move on right now, all right now, So let's jump right into some of these questions. You want to read the first one, baby, Yes, the first one. I got it all right, guys. I've been in a relationship for eight years and married for

two of those years. My significant other than I have recently moved in together and it has been amazing for the most part, I say most dude to the level of comfortability he has with me. To get to the dirty to get into the dirty details, he uses the bathroom with the door open, and sometimes when I'm in the shower we're talking about number two, he farts when I'm right next to him and picks his nose and rubs it on me as if it's a joke. This is only the shortlist, damn. But that being said, I

have multiple questions. One, at what point do you guys draw the comfortablely line for one? Another? Two, how can I talk to him about changing his new behavior he's been exhibiting because I'm starting to find him less sexually attraction well, no ship like that just feels like like are we in kindergarten babe? You know, buggers and stuffers. I mean, I do think fairly off. I don't know, I don't know. It's pretty substantial, so to that be out here like digging for all the diamonds up in there.

But yeah, I mean the level of comfort. You know, like you said, you've been in a relationship for eight years, married for two, So I get that. I wonder if you've been living together for eight years or if it's only been for the past two years. Because sometimes it's when you're just dating and you're living in separate spaces and then you move in together, especially if you're just newly married and have never lived with that person before, you may not pick up on those little isms that

they have that will drive you crazy. Um and you know me, I got about pet Peeves. So that's sometimes hard to deal with when you're living with someone you know and he may think that, well, you know, now we're living together, I can be comfortable. I can be myself and uh, you're not with it. So I get you, sister, and the level of attraction that can be created to me, to me, that was very simple, though, she said, like, what do I do? You're a man is gonna want

to have sex? Tell him the things he does makes him less sexually tractive. He's going to stop, for sure, you think so absolutely. If you told me that there was something that I was doing that made me less attractive to you sexually, I'm going to stop that. You know what. Devout actually let one loose in the bed one time that drove me to sleep in the living room for the night. I got so mad, like like to my core, because I'm like, how dare you subject

me to that odor in my bed? And you know, when you do it and it gets trapped underneath like the comforter, and then because no escaping it, and then I had nowhere to go, and I was like, I'm going to the living room. And I literally went on the couch and slept there for the night. And he knew not to bother me because I got some good at sleep on the couch. You can blow the bedroom up all you want, but we were separated for that night. But you know what, he ain't getting on that night either,

because that was not cute. Listen, guys, all right, what did you eat that day? Okay, don't act like a little secret, right, I'll let you little secret ladies. I'm st it all y'all. Hold y'all farting farts in all day, right, because I don't fire around my man. Right when you

fall asleep, you know what happens. You fart and we'll be sleep in the bed and you just be like and you'll be wanting to cuddle and spoon, and I'll be spooning you, and then I just feel a little ruffle and then I hear I don't wake you up. I don't make a big deal about it unconsciously doing it. Yes, you are a sleep farter. You are a step farter. Hold mineing either. I'll excuse myself before I just letting. I'm letting you out, loaning ladies. All these farts as

you holding, they come out at some point. You may not know, but he knows. So don't be so upset when he lets one loose, because you were probably gonna woke Hi out his sleep a couple of times. All right. As far as going into the bathroom while y'all lay in the shower, I do that all the time. Codeine does that. You have one bathroom And now now he picked when she goes in the shower to do it. You don't pick, like, you don't you don't just do you think that he'd just be like, oh, she in

the shower, let me just go drop a deuce. I know. Sometimes you just got to go to the and does say that they recently moved in together, so they aren't together all this time. Yeah, And it's a learning it's a learning. Yeah, there's definitely a learning curve when you finally move in with someone, even not being married. You know, Deval and I didn't practice the traditional quote unquote you know,

get married first then moving together. We lived with each other before that, so we kind of knew what we were getting into. Um. But drawing the line when it comes to certain things with like being comfortable, Um, I think we both give each other space, and I think it's necessary sometimes and I think you should have a conversation with him and let him know that you're just not really into that stuff to me. To me, those

are the easiest conversations. As you're getting to know somebody and you move in together, you you expect there to be some you know, feathers ruffles, right, Hey, you know, I really don't like when you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle. All right, can you squeeze that motherfucker from the bottom? I might lose my mind. Or you go buy one of the joints that you can attach to the bottom and you just slid it as you go

as like a sign, you know. But then that's the passive aggressive way, and we don't do passive aggressiveness does not work. Have to be directed. You're talking about marriage, you're playing on living each other for the rest of your life. You must be direct. But if, if, if it's truly hindering your ability to be sexually attracted to your husband, that's an easy way to tell him, because

then he won't have no problems do when it. He chose you to spend the rest of his life with, which means he wants to be with you for the rest of his life and only you. So if you tell him that's going to hinder him from getting some booty, he's gonna change it. I mean, that's that's an easy one. And and not for nothing. This is normal guys. Like moving in with someone and finding out that there's things about them that you don't like is normal. Don't think that,

oh my god, this is gonna be a problem. We're gonna get a divorce. It's normal. Talk through it, you know, seek out. You know, I don't even you gotta seek help for this, to seek out some time where you're

not offensive to sit down today. You know I love you right like I love you however, right, can you please choose to drop the deuce when I'm not in the shower or let me know that you feel like it's approaching, like it's turtle heading at that point you feel like coming, and I'll del in my shower about ten fienteen minutes if it's necessary for sure. All right, onto question number two. All right, let's switch gears. Me and my boyfriend have been together going on three years.

But he but we've been very good friends since the age of sixteen. I'm now thirty two. We have a one year old daughter, and I have a seven year old son from a previous relationship. We're living in a two bedroom apartment right now with all of our stuff and the kids stuff, and it's starting to feel like the walls are closing in. We need more space, for sure,

We've been there. I finally brought up the suggestion for us to temporarily move to my parents home, which they have three extra bedrooms, so we can save some money to purchase our first home, and he is totally against it. I said that we can set a ten month goal, and he brings up everything that could go wrong instead of just hearing me out. His main concern is he

will not feel comfortable. But what is ten months of being uncomfortable for something that we can enjoy God willing for the next forty plus two years plus we can have the space that we all need soon. I don't know what I should do, apart from me feeling like he's not ready for that step that I am, but I am. Should I figure out a way to do it without him or hope he comes to his senses and sees things my way? Oh gosh, um, yeah, I heard you brunning and growing over there? Way? What this

made you feel? Some kind of way? It does because I've experienced this with my parents and then my brother. Right. The hardest thing for anybody, not a man, I don't The hardest for anybody is to move back in with their parents, right, So I could only imagine how hard it would be for me to move in with somebody else's parents, right, your your woman's parents. Absolutely, So it's like an ego shot you feel like, um yes, definitely, definitely an ego shot, but not even so much an

ego shot. But it's like you have your own space, you feel comfortable. I'll give you a perfect example. My brother Brian moved back in with us. She did, and your brother at one point moved back in with us, right for sure, for them to follow our rules that we set for our house, even though there are peers and they're adults, it was difficult because they're like, I have my own way of doing things. Can you imagine going through that and having your own kids and having

a wife. Think about the nights where you and I have our arguments. Can you imagine her parents listening to them have an argument, sure, yep, and not knowing if they're going to be infusing themselves into it, if they're gonna let them have their space. I be very uncomfortable. And yeah, people have their ways, like we're set in our ways kind of you know, as adults, and I'm

sure her parents are as well too. Um So that's something that could be uncomfortable with living with someone once they have their own level of comfortability doing things in their own home and then having to curtail that to satisfy somebody else, Like what if her parents, you know, don't want them coming in out the house at late hours, but he's used to going out with his boys, and she may be okay with that, but then her mom might be like, well, you let yourment go out at night.

You know, it just infuses that many more people into your relationship. So I can get where he feels uncomfortable with that. And also setting the time frame of oh, it's only a ten month thing, Those ten month things often turned into twelve months, fifteen months, two year things, three year things. Purchasing a home is not easy. It may take you three to six months just to close on a home, so you may think that you may only be there for ten months, but then you have

to find a home. Then after you find a home, you have to close on a home. That's not something that I don't know ten oneths ten months is realistic because she said to move in to save money first off, and then you're saving money to build for this house, So ten months is is maybe not a realistic timeframe, but I do agree with the feeling uncomfortable to have that growth, and we've mentioned that recently. Even with us just having to relocate, we are in turn a little

more uncomfortable in our surroundings because it's new. But at the same time too, we knew it was necessary in order for us to move to the next level, so it was needed. You know, you develop your own comfort zone and things don't seem to progress the where you wanted too, so you have to shake things up a bit. So I do understand where she's coming from with that perspective. I completely understand where she's coming from as far as

making yourself uncomfortable to then be comfortable long term. But I feel like putting yourself in situations where you can't be successful as a couple is not going to help. So there are other ways where they can make themselves uncomfortable and save money. For example, if they have multiple vehicles, drop one like we did. You know what I'm saying, drop both of them, take the train like we did. Or maybe try decluttering. I know it's a two bedroom

apartment right now that you said you're in. You know, I know a lot of breeding had to take place with us just moving, So maybe getting ready, some things that you feel like are not necessarily that you don't need right now, or having someone help you at least organize the space that you're in right now. Sometimes it requires that little bit of touch to kind of make things at least livable and doable, to be comfortable for everybody. Yes, but I know what it's like to be in a

space where you feel like you've outgrown it. That's how I felt in our place in Brooklyn. I felt like we were there, you know, Val and I together as a young couple, and then we had three children in there, and at one point we had your brother, his girlfriend and his son at the same time, so they were like four adults and two children living in the house together or in the apartment together. And you feel like you're kind of trapped, and that can be super uncomfortable

and very kind of depressing at the same time. Absolutely, and I think I think it'd be important for us to explain to them because people have asked us why did we rent for so long? Giving them some perspective on buying properties now in two thirteen. Right, Oh, absolutely, this is that the Devout had to actually school me on because I wasn't savvy about it. But so first and foremost, you said you want to move out of your apartment to save money, which more than likely means

you don't have much saving now. Right, So you're looking for at least a three bedroom and let's just get for example, say they're living in New York, right, a three bedroom home in New York. Let's choose somewhere that we know for a fact as mc Canarsi. This is not a big lavish home, but that's going to cause you like a half a million dollars. Yeah, they're going at like six seven now, so now you're looking at you have to you have to save at least which

will be a hundred thousand dollars. Let's think about the mean income for to family homes in Canarsia. It's probably about a hundred hundred twenty thousand dollars right after that's for two working adults, right, so after taxes, you probably bring home maybe sixty five thousand a year, and then after expenses that cuts down to about what thirty thousand

if you have cars. If you plan on giving money to your parents because you're staying there, maybe a thousand dollars a month to your parents, because you're staying there with three kids or two kids. So now you saved about twenty on a good day, on a good year, you saved because if you don't go on no vacations, you've saved twenty dollars. You would have to be in your parents home for five years to save the amount of money you need to put a down payment on

a home to live comfortably, for sure. And this is like on average what people typically would have to do. Now, I for one, would not want to live with my in laws for five years. You and I have traveled back home multiple times when we were in the NFL, And now when I'm at your parents house for longer

than five days, you and I be over it. When we're at my parents house for more than five days, were over it because because over it, because our parents there, that's their homes and they have their their like I said, people had their isms and the like. One time I'll never forget when I stayed at vos parents house for the summer, I was pregnant because our apartment was being renovated.

So we're at Devo's parents house and I warmed up something in the in the oven and the pot that I warmed it up in had like residue and it was like stuck on grease and stuff. So I, because I was rushing to take Jack into school, I said, let me put this in the sink and like put some soap in it, some hot water so it can just sit. So it could just sit, so that way it'll be easier to wash when I get back. I didn't come right back because I ran some errands. So there was the pot in a fork in the sink.

Took a picture of the pot and the fork in the sink and sent it to us in the group chat with these words, and was like, the rule in this house is that dishes don't spend more than one hour in the sink. Please wash this, and and and then it was I shouldn't have to come home to all all these dishes, all these dishes, all two of these dishes, all both of them. And I was like what. And when I'm staying at somebody else's house, I am very cognizant of the fact that it's not my space.

So I tried to make sure that I keep things in line. I contribute, I'll clean up the common areas, I'll sweep, i'll mop I'll do certain things. So I was like, it's about we got we got a high tail it out of your parents. The case today with your father, this caused the riff about this one pot in the sink. See, but this caused a riff with us because I grew up with the man so where she was just like, she was just like and I was just like, I was like, why would you leave

the dishes in the sink? Like you already noticed take five minutes and wash the dish. So now me and her are arguing because of my father's rules that in our house it wouldn't have been a big deal, but now since we had to adhere to the rules of our parents, it caused a risk in our marriage. And as much as you would think, like, hey, it's only ten months, this won't be a problem, that will definitely at some point cause a problem. I get what you're

trying to say, and I get what you're smart. She's smart for thinking in the financial mindset saying we can save money, but realistically it's not gonna be ten months. It's like, sometimes you're sanity is priceless, and this may be a thing where you have to kind of just see how are we going to be able to other ways? Don't go on vacation for three years, Um, cut your experiences, don't go out you know if you have, If he has to pick up a second shift somewhere, do whatever

you gotta do. Because Codeine and I did that. Let that be your last resort. If you can make it work. If you can make it work, fine, since I get it. I'm comfortable in my parents space, but you're not necessarily always that way. I'm not comfortable in anybody. I'm not comfortable in my parents. That's true. He needs his own four walls for sure. All Right, So that brings us the question number three. I'll read this one. Okay, go

for it. I've known my girlfriend for about eight years now, but we've been dating for a little over a year now. Something is good. Um, everything is good, and we're learning to talk throughout issues. My biggest issue is that her mom has still not fully accepted me. I have no idea why, because I've never disrespected her, her house, or her daughter. Funny, we were just talking about this. My question is what should I do about this? Part of me doesn't want to care because I'm not dating her.

I'm dating her daughter. At the same time, I want to marry my girl one day, so I know I have to be around her mom. How should I go

about handling this situation? Well, brother, it was like you were in you were in our space this past weekend because we were just having this conversation literally with our family and um some of our siblings and stuff, and just talking about how easy or not easy it is to infuse somebody else into a family or to have that you know, relationship that you can potentially build with a significant others parents. It's difficult because I know Devot

in the very beginning when he came around. There was about two years that Devot did not come to my house because he felt as if, I'm a good dude, I come from a good family, I'm good to your daughter, but you're still giving me a hard way to go. So you know what, Okay, I'm not coming around because I don't have to deal with this. And he would talk about former, you know, situations he was in where

everybody just loved Devoo. But my mom pretty much point blank said to me, you could have walked through the door with Jesus, I don't care. And that was how she felt about it and sometimes, brother, it's not you and you you have to sometimes take into consideration what may be causing her mom to feel this way. Why is she not interested in getting to know you? Is the daughter the only child you know, and she may

feel like she's losing her daughter to this man. There can be so many different reasons as to why she's not comfortable. Allow me to allow to provide some perspective. Okay, you know I love your mom, but um oh, we preface it with that. Being a young man eighteen years old, I was introduced to her mom during the time where Kadean was transitioning from one school to the next. Right, So I know myself. I know that I'm a hard worker, I get good grades, I'm a Division one athlete. I

come from a good family. My first door process is why would a mom not appreciate me being around their daughter? Then I had kids, right, Imagine you're eighteen, nineteen year old daughter. It's going to another college with a boy. There's so many things that can happen there. The only thing you're thinking about is is this boy going to be a distraction for my daughter? And then at the time I was thinking about none of this I was thinking aboutself, I'm a good guy, you know, why why

would she be doing this to me? Because I didn't remove myself from the situation and think about how she went into it. On top of that, Codeine's mom came to this country at seventeen, met her dad, and the

two of them built what they had together. So for her mom, what I realized that when you make these decisions about who you're going to spend your time with, those people are gonna put you on the path of where the rest of your life can got potentially, so mothers are not gonna be just accepting of anybody who walks in the door without learning them first. And you said, you've known your girl for eight years and known for

eight years, but only been dating for a year. So I'm wondering at what point he was introduced to the family were 'all dating and you weren't introduced or you know, because if it's just a year, that's still still very very still. And you also have to ask yourself, if you've known her mom or known her family, what behavior did you exhibit prior to y'all dating that she may have inhibitions about you dating her daughter, Because that also happens.

If parents have known you for a long time, or knowing you and seeing you with a bunch of different girls or seeing you around, they may be like, oh, I don't want my daughter just to be another one of the girls that he's day. Yeah, they may not understand how your relationship evolved into what it is today. That's also a pility. There are a ton of things you have to think about as a man going into this situation, not just oh, she don't like me. I'm

telling everybody this right now. If you date my son's one of my sons, I'm not gonna like you. I'm not gonna like you. I don't care. That's one thing that devoted out United on when it comes to our boys. We don't like nobody. I don't like. No, you're gonna have to prove to me because and as a parent, I will understand how CA's mom games. I've worked my ass off to try to give my kids everything they put them in a position to be successful. Anything that

comes in the way that might be a distraction. I'm not liking you. You're so right, You're sorry. As a mom, now I totally see it. When you become a parent and They always say, it's like the cycle of life. It's like, you won't understand until you're a parent. How many times have both of our parents said that to us throughout life? They still say that, They still say, you just won't understand. And now it's like, you won't understand until Jackson's a teenager. You won't understand until Jackson.

My mom just said it the other day when it came time to, you know, arranging room situations where who was going to sleep where you know that the people who weren't married. My mother is not comfortable with them sleeping together in the same room together, right, And it's just that she's just like, well, when when your kids are that age, you'll understand. And I'm like, you know what, Mom, you're probably probably right. You're probably absolutely right, because we

may probably be hard to deal with. And then you know, Jackson Cayrone Cast will have their podcast later wherever they answer that questions and they're like, you know what, my

parents are absolutely crazy, absolutely crazy. I'll say all of this to say this, if that woman you're dating is worth it, it will be worth putting in the work to show her mom that you can be valued and trusted as a man, because listen to this as men in this society, right, they owe this big words, a button hot but topic that will probably do a podcast on call submission right where they're always saying that, oh, women should be submissive. In the Bible says women should

be submissive to their man. Right, we know that that's antiquated. Fantasi just talked about it. But think about this, right, anybody who's going to submit to anybody has to trust that that person is in a leadership position, trust that they can they can trust that person as a leader. And you showing that you can get her mom to trust you, you're showing the woman that you're dating that she can trust you. And when it's time to make decisions in your household as the leader, should then feel

comfortable trusting you because you've gained her mom's trust. So if she's worth it, put the work in because it'll work out in the long run. And I can think of it on the I can speak to the flip side of that. I was so sure about who devours a person as a person. I was sure about his character. I was very sure about his ambition, his work ethic,

where he was going in life. So then I found that it was my responsibility and my test because I know my mom and I know my parents best to speak to that and to not shy away from it

and you know, avoid the conversation per se. Because we actually have a friend that you know, it was in a relationship with someone and his girlfriend avoided the conversations with her parents because she was so worried about what her parents would say, and she didn't want to ruffle her parents feathers, or she just wasn't used to speaking

up for herself. So in turn, he was like this undercover boyfriend and never became until, you know, known until it was time for him to propose, and then it was this awkward conversation because the parents didn't even know he existed. So I think it's her responsibility because she knows her parents is UM's, you know, and she may know the best way to communicate with them and get through to them to let them know, you know what. I love this man. He's an amazing guy. This is

what he's doing. Just give him a chance, Just give him a chance. And it's funny you say that, because it comes full circle. We talked about submission in a relationship, being a leader of being in the leader leadership position, also knowing when to defer when it's not your fight. Me being a leader in my relationship, knowing when things are best fought from my wife to handle. Just because you're de leted on mean you gotta make all the

final decisions. That's your girlfriend's mother. Let her get involved and let and she'll let you know when it will be the best opportunities to put you for forward and continue to move forward and building that relationship. I do that, wikadine all the time. When things are outside of my outside of my scope of knowledge or my scope of work, I'll say the case sometime yo, yo, that is not in my prey grade. You don't have to handle that. Whatever you think is the best thing to do. We're

rocking with that. This is a great time for you to as a couple to learn how to navigate situations together. That's her mom, but you have to fight for her respect and her trust. Learn how to do that together, and that will teach you, guys, as a couple, how to handle other situations in life Like that was a great point you said, didn't even think about that as as a woman, like that's your mom. You have to stand up and say to your mom like, Yo, this is the man and I'm in love with And she

has to do that. She has to stand woman up. She got a woman up. My conversation with my mom went a little something like you and dad have equipped me with a moral compass, with the discernment to know right from wrong. So I would I would love if you can just lean on that and have confidence in the fact that I will not be involved with or bring someone around the family who I felt did not match that, who didn't come from a family that exhibited

the same characteristics. And yeah, I had to have like And it wasn't like a whiny conversation. It wasn't a screaming. It was very direct. And I feel like approaching her like that gave my parents a level of respect that, Wow, Canine's actually like speaking to us like a grown up. You remember when you had this conversation with her, the time the trip to Jamaica. Let me tell your funny story, right,

don't go into Jamaica. Right this one spring break in college and two years in college, that's when you stopped coming around. Yes, this is when I stopped coming around, Right, It was just us too. And I told my dad that I was going to Jamaica, and you know, he booked the tickets and stuff like that, and he didn't ask me no questions. He's like, you're going to Jamaica, like me and cade a couple of friends going blah blah blah. So Kay told her mom that me and

her we're going to Jamaica, right. And the funny thing was, whenever you plan these trips, when you and your girlfriend, it always talks with a group of friends. Then one friend dropped out, his brother friend dropped out, and then about three days before I leave, it just had everybody. Jeff was just us. We already bought the tickets. So my father had already purchased the tickets for us. He

was a gift for me for spring break. And then we're at her parents house and her mom, you know, it's very quiet, and she's just like still, that's going away on vacation together. And I'm just like, okay, this is getting awkward, right. So then she's like devout, you know, how do you feel about me letting my daughter go away on vacation with this? Why? Some why? And I'm like she definitely pulled out the way. She got very

Jamaican on him. I will say, and I'm just looking at Codeine like and and she did say, um, Codeine, I mean, you know, I don't understand why you would feel as if a girl of your caliber would allow for some some men to take you away on vacation. What will I say to your grandmother? What will I say to your aunts and uncle's when they ask where is Cadine for spring break? And I was like, you don't gotta tell them nothing, like why did you why did you I to be in my business? Though? So?

Why did you feel like you gotta my shoulders? You see how my shoulders are touching my ears right now? I was like, yeah, why do you have to even tell my business? And I had my hand on her shoulder to bring your shoulders down and bring your should was starting to get I was making it hot and my voice got a little high, and then my mom hit me with the who are you talking to? And then at that point I said, At that point, I was like, y'all think my father's outside, got up, walked

right out the door. I didn't look back because she was like the last time I checked two women cannot live in the same house together. Up. I don't know what happened to that. I was going, I was here, we go, I walked to my house and we didn't go on vacation. We didn't go on vacation. Thank god your father got trip insurance. Because I tried to hit her with the but his dad already spent the money on it. She said, we'll give him back every red cent. I would give it back to him because I can

do that. And I'm just like, damn, so there's no way around it, and were nowhere around it exactly. And then I said, I didn't even have to tell your mother. We could have just went like see, And I was just trying to be honestly. She liked the country. I can't leave the country and not tell mama. You see, she raised me right, but in turn, we couldn't go nowhere right. She raised you right. But she still owe

my father forge and sixty three cents. And you know your father Gonace don't cover all that frugal Frank gonna ask for it keeping the tab. But we say all that to say in the end, her mom lives with us now was we relocated. She's great with the kids may don't have a great relationship, but we went through those times, and that was two years of us dating. We went through those times, definitely. We didn't speak for

two months two years after. I didn't go by a parent's house, and it took time for her to learn to trust me and to prove to her that I was worthy of her daughter's caliber. And it was worth it because now we were great. You know, it was great. I was dating a man of similar caliber. I don't know where your mother she'd be having these words. The caliber auspicious, you know, very western in very Jamaican terms

and stuff. All right, so we're gonna take a quick break and we have more listening about us coming up after we get into some say to this for the record, there it is a win for the ages. Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring sports icons. In his story, it comes with many chapters. I am deeply sorry from my irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here it is the return to glory. This is All American, a new series

from Stitcher hosted by me Jordan Bell. You realized Tiger Wood doesn't know who he is best in the history of Gaul, No question in my mind. And this season, with the help of journalist Albert Chen, we're asking what if the story of Tiger Woods that the media has been telling, what if it's been completely wrong? All American Tiger is out now. Listen and Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite podcast app. All right, thanks for sticking with us.

We're back with some more listeners. Like these are some good letters that we've gotten in and we were just sifting through a ton of them, so there are so many good ones in here. Let's go into question number four. All right, So I've been dealing with a guy for almost three years. He is a provider to himself and two children who are not his. I can go to him and talk to him about anything because our communication is great. He encourages me and supports me and everything

I choose to do. The only problem is he has a girlfriends and she has been around before and since we've been talking. So she's been around before and since we've been talking. Okay, I have tried to talk to other guys, but it never seems to work with them. They're just not on his level. I'm stuck because I know it may never go anywhere, But at the same time, I haven't come into contact with anyone who matches what

he does. I'm lost. So she decide chick you the side pieces, she the side chick or is she just someone who No? She decide chick. She said, I'm dealing with the guy for almost three years to my to myself and two children who are not his, so she he probably I didn't know what the dealing. Dealing can mean so many things nowadays, dealing. Is it sexual or is it dealing like years? How you deal with somebody bro?

Because I was family. Had to read it over, like what provider to myself and two children who are not his? She didn't say two children that were hers? Two children that are not his. I'm going to talk about anything because our communications great. He encourages me and supports me everything I choose to do. The only problem is he has a girlfriend, so it's probably his girlfriend's two kids. So he's helps his girlfriend with two kids. But she's

a side chick. It's funny, though, she says. The only problem is he has a girlfriend and she has been around before me and since we've been talking. You know, let's cut your losses booth. Listen the friendly around before you and while you. So clearly she's been his girlfriend, right, you haven't changed his mind about nothing, So hold on that. We just got to go back because back how she

framed the question. She framed the question is if she was a girlfriend, And this, in part is the problem, all right, people put themselves in these relationships exactly because he's not in a relationship with her. She clearly knows what's going on. Oh I know this guy, I love him. But the problem is he got a girlfriend and she got two kids. Like, if you think about the fact that you say that out loud, you know what I'm saying. This is not a two way street here, not a

two way sis. I dealing with him and providing for you and whoever these other children are, whether it's yours or hers or somebody else's. Sounds like he's a great provider and he's a nice guy. But what are you looking for She's not because she clearly said that she dates and she even said it, I've dated other guys, which means they don't have a relationship. But maybe you're connected to him and he's not connected to you. And

if that's the case, that's a problem. Mhm. Listen. The bottom line is she's a side check man, and she caught feelings. This is very this is very clear. She the side chick and she caught feelings. And now she compares every guy that she dates to him, which is a lose lose for her because no, no other guy gets a fear shot. Right. But then I can understand when you feel like, damn, I found the one, when you're not the one, when you're not the one to the one, this is the problem. This is the problem.

And this is what I've been telling my friends about side checks. This is what they got to understand about side checks. Right. Side checks always feel that you're the one. You want to know what side aways feel like you're the one. They get the best of you. They deal with you on the side, not that you're worst. They only deal with you in a moment of escape, in

a moment of or dice. So they of course they feel like they get they get the best of you, right, They don't get with you when you're upset and you're coming home and you're dealing with this or dealing with bills and stuff like that. They get the part that everybody loves to deal with and they fall in love with that and This is what I try to tell some of my friends. When you only provide that to a person, they're going to fall in love with that, and more than likely that you know what I'm saying.

On the flip side, I've known some females who have been in situations like that and yeah, that's that escape life. But I've also said what happens when you throw real world situations into everything you have. Friend, she's a woman, and she had a side dude, and he was married. She was a sign dude. So the two of them when they were with each other away from their spouses,

everything was perfect, perfect. Right the minute they left their spouses and started really getting in a relationship, it didn't work. It did not work because that's what happens. And that's what she needs to realize, is that even if he leaves his girl friend with two kids and starts dating you for real, you're not probably gonna like that person that you get as much as you liked them when you are only getting them at that part time. And

that's what people situation. So people need to understand it happens, and it happens to everybody. Happens to the best of people. Yo, I don't know. Since you said I'm lost, find yourself, I think you found be found and find your way out of that situation, because the feelings are going to continue to grow, and then you might start doing things out of character. And you know, honesty is an illusion.

What you think you have with him is an illusion because he's in a whole other relationship with a woman with two kids, so you don't you don't get all the brunt of everything else that he deals with. So you think that you love this man, And like you said, Codeine, no other man is going to stand up to that because you only get him in paradise, and you won't give the other guys a fair chance to really prove

to what to you what they're capable of. But even when she gets them in a fair chance, she's given a guy a fair chance. She's getting the paradise from that guy and the other parts that this guy never has to show her. You see what I'm saying through dating, because she's not dating him. If she if he has a whole girlfriend with two kids, he don't got time to date her. He just provides for her and does

all those all the nice stuff. She gets to twenty, she gets to twenty from him, she gets to twenty, she gets a hunting from everybody else and other stuff is what turns off. Those guys probably are just as good guys, maybe even better. But because she gets all the aspects of those guys, then she's just like, I'm turned off because this guy is just perfect. She gotta

let that go. Since you gotta let that go if you, if you really feel like you want to find somebody that you can have your own relationship with, you gotta let him go right in its entirety too, because I'm sure there's you're missing something here. Clearly you're missing something here. Deficit. As great as he is, there's a deficit because she's still dating other guys, still running draft. Yeah, that's the way she framed that question was hilarious though she framed

it she was the girlfriend. Yeah, the only problem and kids question number five, Me and my husband caught my father cheating on my mother. Oh oh, let me go back. Me and me and my husband quote my father cheating on my mother about a year ago, not the first time. We confronted him about it and told my mother, And I don't know how they resolved. They don't know they don't want to talk about it. They figured it out. Okay,

here we are again. My mother is hinting at me that she thinks he's cheating, and my husband, I see clues that he might be. He's a trucker and loves posting his life on Facebook. But when he when his trips are delayed, he's silent and tells mom not to call him because he's uncomfortable talking on the phone with his passenger with him do uh? He won't tell her who the passenger is. Problem is, my mother is like Knee's mother. She hates competition and she throws everything under

the bus under the rug. And my father is domineering and he's encouraging her to throw his actions under the rug. But it's making my mother irritable and snappy towards everyone, even my kids. While my father is happy, it makes me and my husband very uncomfortable. I'm the only child and they are there are only village. What should we do, if anything at all, to try to bring peace back? Is there a way to help prevent the same thing happening again next year? Oh gosh, that's wow. That's all.

That made me a little sad. That made me a little sad. That is a super deep question. Um. And seeing as though you're the only child, I know it's hard because I know, like for example me, I have my siblings where if something goes wrong or there's like a parent issue that's happening, you can kind of find refuge and speak to you know, your your siblings, and you guys can kind of have to try to rally

around on your parents if you needed to. But it's also super hard because I think in this circumstance, your parents are adults. Um, they're your parents, So there's this level of like a respect quote unquote or like a platform that I know for me, I used to put my parents on like my parents can do no wrong. You know, they see no wrong that you know, they're

just like these perfect individuals. And sometimes it's hard when you see that your parents are not you know, they're human and they're not doing things that you always thought would be you know, super super clean. Um. That being said, I think it's unfair for your mom to then be taking that out on everybody else because you ain't saying not her, nor nor is your husband, and it's really

really hard for her. And if it's something if it's a conversation that your mom is making you privy to, meaning she's hinting at you that he's doing again doing it.

And again I think you need to be open with your mom as well and let her know that she cannot take that out on you or your spouse and then drive a wedge between your relationship because she has an issue with your dad, because your dad is clearly doing his own thing, you know, I mean, for the whole scenario of him being on the road and he can't talk because of his passenger and stuff like that in itself just throws red flags all over. This is

the first thing. And once again, I'm not a I'm not a therapist, and I'm not an expert, but what it sounds like to me is there may be a little bit of abuse there, because you know how they say how the abuse always runs back and defends the abuser, right, They said they called him once, they told the mom him, and the mom dealt with it, kept it quiet, you

know what what I'm saying, They dealt with it. Now she's hinting back at it to the to the daughter, but she's not saying it directly the daughter and the husband,

the son in law found out right. It may be a thing where the mom doesn't have anyone else to speak to about it, may be embarrassed, so hinting at the daughter also maybe a cry for help, maybe a cry for help, and it may be in the daughter's best interest to um find another It sounds bad, but I mean it's just if your mom is crying off help, she may want to be out of that situation, and you may have to find a way to get her out of that situation. If if it's that bad, Now,

this is what I think they should do. This is what I would do if it was me. It was me, I wouldn't talk to my mom about it. I talked directly. I'm not going to talk to my mom about it. This is not my mom's issue. I caught you, I saw, I saw this right, this is what I saw. This is what I saw. And as the father, and this is what comes back to being the leader in the household. Right, too much is given, much is respected, too much, too

much is given, much is expected. Heavy. As the head that lies the crown, you have to own this and deal with it. Right, You're gonna have to make a decision either You're going to do the right thing my mom and make sure everything is happy in the house, because what your actions are trickling down on you and your grandkids. If you're not willing to do that, I'm gonna have to take the responsibility to protect my wife, you know what I'm saying, my kids and remove us,

including her, from this situation. That's how I would deal with it, and it would probably be more more hurtful for the father to know that now my daughter and her family is not going to detach for me and my wife because they don't want to be subjected to that. Um. I think it's also to a generational thing when I look at this scenario where, for example, with me seeking or being the pillar of communication or trying to help my parents problem solved with something that was always told

that I should stay away from. Like you're the child, so regardless of how old you are, you don't know about grown folks stuff, which is true, and you should not pique your nose in or give your opinion to grown for stuff. Like back in the day when grown folks were having a conversation, I could not be hanging around.

I was sent to another room and nobody wanted to hear my two cents, because I'm not talking to you, and growing up around that culture, I can see where it would be difficult to maybe then speak to your parents as an adult and an observer and say, I see that you're doing X, Y Z wrong, you know, and kind of putting them out there like putting them on blasts and saying, this is what we've witnessed. Can we speak about this? But seeing as though as your parents,

naturally that's the struggle. Because you care so much about your parents as a couple, you care about them as individuals, you care about their health and their well being. That would be my struggle of how to maneuver that, but will still founding respectful and being respectful to them in their relationship, but also to giving my two cents, You're absolutely right, and this is what I'll say about that. Especially you never you never interject your yourself into another

couple's marriage. You never do that. I never do that. But if their marriage is being interjected into your life. For example, they said that this grandfather and grandmother is the only village they have, which means these are the only people who watch their children. And the way you're behaving is affecting the way she's affecting my children. I have to step in as a parent to protect my kids. There's nothing gonna stop me from interjecting to protect my kids.

I don't care who you are. If my parents are misbehaving or behaving poorly and it's gonna affect my children, toxic environment for your kids, exactly, I have the right to step in and say something. Now, if my kids weren't there and it was no issues, and they'll had y'all issues and we found out about it, you know, you need to handle that, bro. But since my kids are there and it's become an issue where the way she behaves around my children, I gotta say something. I

have to. If it's my parents, I have to. Like I said, if my kids aren't there, hey, I heard about this, yo, y'all gotta deal with that, I throw my hands up. I'm not interject there myself into other people's marriage. But something like that, and you know, it sounds, even in the language the way she wrote the letter, my father's domineering. My mom likes to sweep stuff under the ruck. It does sound kind of like my mother

just gonna do whatever my father say. But then she takes that behavior and puts it on the grandchildren, that means something's upsetting her a lot. You know what I'm saying, right, And that could be allow to deal with you in itself, Like nobody wants to be around somebody who's and you're snapping at me for not even something I did, but you're snapping at me because you're in an overall bad

mood because your husband's on the road. You're doing this thing. Yeah, and at this point you definitely have to say something respectfully but spectfully to that. And if you say something to dad and he's I don't care that of mond your business. And you say something to your mom and she decides to continue to exist in that environment, you may have to remove your children from that environment and

remove yourself and find somewhere else. And maybe that could be the lesson to teach your mom to stand up or to show your your father that you know what, I'm losing out of my family with my behavior, because sometimes it takes that for them to realize they lost something.

It's true, you know, but you I would definitely say something to dad, Like if Dad is domineering, you know, I would say something to him and I think, I mean, I'm not sure how every father daughter relationship is, but I feel like if I went to my dad, if I was infusing this into my life, and I went to my dad as a daughter like daddy, like, you know, being able to kind of break him down a bit

because she says she's the only child. Maybe he'll respect that coming from her, or maybe it may embarrass him a bit to see like, oh my goodness, I can't believe like I've been so sloppy and my actions are now affecting everybody, and my daughter knows what's going on. Maybe he may take that approach. Maybe he may maybe so dominaring that he don't want to hear it either. And like Devout said, in that circumstance, you already have a husband. You ain't trying to be be nobody else's

wife either. You have your own issues to deal with as well. And and a lot of times though I have seen, like when a daughter tries to say something to a father when the wife's already said it, more more than likely he's probably gonna be like, man, if I listen to your mother, I'm not listening to you. Or did your mother put you up to this right, and then it becomes a thing. Was like, don't tell my daughter things about me, right, you know what I'm saying.

And then sometimes it's hard to feel like you're not picking a side, you know, as a you know, if a parent might look at you and be like, listen, you're taking your mom's side. You're taking your dad's side, just like I'm picking my kid's side. My kids come to your home, my kids, you're my kids caretaker. When I'm at work, my kids are saying X y Z

they don't feel comfortable. I gotta say something. I'm taking my side because for my own safety and my own, you know, mental health, I need to know that you'all are going to be okay, and then I can be okay coming around because you're the only village we have, and I think you should drive that force home to them and let them know you guys are all we have. We don't want to have to go and try to outsource the village and find more people to just be

around just to avoid being around you. It's you know, it's not easy. It's not an easy situation. I would say anytime you enter a situation to speak to someone, enter with love and respect it. You don't got to be your up in arms and nobody's face until, with love and respect, speak your truth and let them show you who they are. Once they show you who they are, what they plan on do, accept it and move accordingly accordingly. That's it, you know what I'm saying. They don't have

to be a heated It's just that simple. We had so many different topics that we discussed today. Um, I think my biggest takeaway just it's more of a general kind of blanket statement. You cannot judge people for whatever situation they're in or what they're going through. People are people. Humans are humans. You're entitled to feel the will you feel the way you feel, and who am I to judge here for feeling the way you feel. But I

do believe that it's great when people seek help. It's great when people look for advice in the right avenues and channels. Because in the beginning I said that, you know, I pretty much don't look to people for advice, but I do think that it can be, um something that's valuable if the advice is coming from someone who you value, whose opinion opinion you value, or someone who is well versed in whatever the topic. Maybe that being said, you

don't want any judgment. Um, you shouldn't give judgment in those situations either, and then you know that might actually help you to arrive at whatever answer or outcome it was you were looking for, because usually when you're asking for advice, you're at a crossroads or you're new to something and you're looking to have somebody shed some light on something for you, you know. So, Um, that's that's

pretty much my moment of truth. I think I had several today, but that's what I can kind of summit up as since we had so many different topics that we discussed today. How about you? Um, my moment of truth is simple, man. I don't mind taking advice if you provide me with a unique perspective. But like you said, I have to value your perspective just because you gave

me advice, don't me and I gotta take it. And also be aware of the advice that you give other people, because if you don't have the right perspective to give them, you could be giving them some bad advice. Um. Is that simple man? Just why a smart man? I was about to say, what was your sound in the beginning. I was trying to bring it back, but I couldn't. A smart man learns from his mistakes, but a wise man learns from the mistakes of others. So know who

you're listening to. That is the moment of move Accordingly. We open and closed with an amazing little from you. I'm a little wise sometimes you know what I'm saying. I learned a few things in my life. You feel me, you feel me, I feel you, I feel you. So be sure to follow us on social media. That's I am Devo and Cadine I am and you can finish out they go ahead, tell me to listen. And if you're listening on Apple podcast, be sure to rate and review because we love to hear your feedback, what you

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