Laugh to Keep From Crying with The Funny Momma Katryce Pedro

thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead as is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead asks, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take Phillow Talk to a whole new level. Dead starts right now. This time, in particular, is a few years back. This

is a few years back. Um. This is when we really started doing social media and I kind of stumbled on creating the videos of our family, especially with the kids. And it was around the time when Jackson started to lose his teeth, and I remember Jackson started losing his teeth. And then Cairo at the time was speaking his gibberish on social media, and I remember seeing comments from people, right, and the comments were, when are you gonna get that

child's teeth fixed? And then Cairo was Cairo was um speaking English, He's not gonna speak properly. Yeah, he speaking, was speaking gibbering. He was speaking gibberish and baby talking. It's like, oh, he almost two years old. He should be speaking English by now. Y'all need to get that

checked out. And I remember feeling like everybody is like a social media parent, you know what I'm saying, Like that everybody can diagnose your kids through a sixty second video because at this point the video was only sixty seconds, but everybody knew exactly what we need to do as parents, right.

And at first I was like becoming very defensive because I was like, I gotta protect my kids because I don't want my kids to ever watch something and then say, dang, like something is wrong with me based on other people's comments, you know what I'm saying. But then I saw to realize, like, you know, this is a glimpse into what the world is going to be like for my kids. So I have to teach my kids rather than coddle them and

protect them. I have to teach my kids how to deal with people on the outside saying and believing things about them when they don't really know them. My good says the late Whitney Houston. You know, we're talking about kids. We're talking about raising them, relationships and all that good stuff co parenting. So I felt like it was appropriate because you know, it's all about the children. I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and then

lead the way, show them all the beauty they possess inside. Somebody, did you just do to Come into America version? I might have literally give them a sense of pride to make it easier. I mean we should, That's what we're supposed to do as parents, right. First of all, you don't like doing karaoke, but whenever you do karaoke, you choose the singer with the greatest vocal for us, for

whit Houston. She went to Whitney Houston. Then didn't even do the Whitney Houston version you did to come into America. Tried to do the way we use the version. You gotta make it funny at that point, because there's no way I can hold a note, not even if you put it in my hand. So, yeah, story time about Jackson and when you're gonna get this kid brasid. Somebody actually recently commented that, like I'm gonna say this again.

I'm going to ask this one more time, bitch. We didn't ask you the first time, So are you asking me again when I'm gonna get my child's teeth face? First of all, mind your business. Second of all, if you are you an authodontist. Third of all, did you not know that there's a certain age that children are eligible to get braces? And he hasn't reached that port yet. Have you been in this X rays You haven't. So it's just like mind your business, gentleness, and maybe there's

nothing wrong with his teeth, how about that? Like mind your business. Like I said in my sound bite, don't mess with my kids. That's the one thing that's just off limits as a parent for me. At least. You're talking about my husband, but don't talk about just don't know about any of these men. Let me with my areas, let me take let me take these off because I'll be ready to. We're gonna jump into the meat of

the show. We have a special guest today who's going to talk to us about a couple of different things. We're gonna st Pearl's worthy hold on you and you kind of is that you want to jump into the meat. That's Paul's worthy. I can do that. I can't just jump into anybody meet not anybody. Are you jumping into my meat? I mean you next to me? So it's you get Technico down. So that a whole different show, different show, you know, I'm go ahead. That's how we became.

That's how we became. That on the disclaimer for this episode, So our guest Todays were talking about a couple of different things. We're gonna be talking about co parenting U after a divorce, We're gonna talk about autism, We're gonna talk about all the things. Um with a really really funny mama. Alright, so joining us to have a fellow mom. Actually met this amazing woman at the Mom Friends. I want to say maybe like three years ago at this point,

I don't know. After the pandemic, I'm like, the time is all jumbled for me, But that was probably one of the last times that I was able to get together with an amazing group of women who were also moms, Black moms that were there for support, for laughs, for cries. It was just a great, great time. Um. So she's a fellow boy mom as well, author, chef, and builder Katrice Pedro, also known as the Funny Mama on the Internet. And she's funny to tell y'all, Like literally every single

video that she puts out. I promise you I can relate to um a true multitasking queen catrices. Transparency about her real life experiences comes through funny skits on TikTok uh, the d i y projects that she shares on YouTube, recipes on her cookbook All sorts of suat. You could probably tell us a little bit more about yourself better than I can. So I just want to introduce you guys to Kadris a k A the Funny Mama. Tell everybody a little bit more about yourself. Hi, how are

you guys knowing? Good? Yep? I'm a mom of two boys, a teenager and a four year old soon to be five in two weeks. Um, both have attitude attitudes my blessing. Um yeah, I'm a chef. I actually dropped out of culinary school, and then five years later was asked to teach at the culinary school I dropped out of. And that was kind of my motivation of like, okay, you should write, if you should do a cookbook, you shouldn't, you know, So I kind of just started everything for me,

just started hitting me. I've been a mom for fifteen years now, but I didn't really start diving into who I was until about four years ago. And my my followers, who I call my tribe, have just been following me on this journey of rediscovery and figuring out who I am. And you know, I'm working on right now, gentle parenting. That's been my biggest thing. So I'm just I share everything with with my um, with my tribe, and they've

helped me out of postpartum depression. And you know, like I said, figuring out who I am, because everybody's still always growing and and and trying to discover themselves. And I'm just very lucky to have a wonderful community of mothers who encouraged me and help me and give me advice stuff, and I think I'm doing the same for them. That's what's well. I have a question because a large

part of our audience is relationship based. So do you mind talking a little bit about your relationship or your relationships or lack there. Well, I just got divorced, well technically have been married twice. I got married when I was nineteen, Um, and it was because I got pregnant with my son and we both knew it just wasn't the right thing to do. You know, that ended pretty quickly. So I don't think either one of us really count that because we're kids. We can't even drink. Yeah, yeah

you could drink. No. On our honeymoon, we were like trying to We went on a crew. We were trying to find like, you know, the right bartender that well let us. Yes, we're like, we're married. We just had a baby now and it was but now we were co parent wonderfully and we we have a great co parenting relationship. Um. So that's my older son, my oldest son,

c J. And then I recently divorced. I was in a relationship for ten years and um, you know, sometimes you you have to choose yourself, you know, you as a mom, I feel like you we we put this pressure on ourselves to make sure that the kids are happy and you think that staying in the marriage is what makes makes that happen. Um, and you don't notice

that they see all of these things. And as a mom of boys, especially for me, I felt like it was important for them to not only know how a woman is supposed to be treated, but how when a woman isn't treated the correct way, you can lose that woman. For me, I I chose myself a question after getting being married the first time, What made you say I

want to get married again? Because most people who are married who say I'm getting a divorce say they'll never do it again, and they end up getting married again. What was your reason for getting married again? Well, I think the first time, like I said, the first time I got married, I just don't even consider it. I'm married, Like neither one of us do. We even when we talked about it, we like laugh about it. Kid. Yeah, it was like, I mean, I had already had the baby,

like CDJ had already been born. But I think we just felt kind of like, it's just it just happened so quick and we were really doing it so that it will be okay, Right, I'm having the baby will be okay. So when I got married this last There was a lot of factors on why I got married, none of which were for you know, the right reasons. But but one of the main reasons was because, um, I've I've my entire adult life have dealt with like, um,

five broys and ovariances. So I've had to have four surgeries before, and um my doctor told me basically, you have two years to have another baby, and if you don't, it's very high risk, it's extremely dangerous, you know, stuff like that. So I went to my them boyfriend, we have been together for four years, and I basically was like, look, I want to have another kid. Let me know if marriage isn't what you see for us, because then you know,

I got, I got my clock is ticking. And some people saw that as wrong, like they like I was putting pressure on for me. I felt like, I, I mean, I know that I want to have another kid. Marrying me, yes, Like, well, then I gotta go. And he did say something that that was true that that always sticks with me, said one of us is going to resent the other if we don't have a baby, you know, or or if we don't get married in your time frame us up, You're gonna be pissed at me. You're gonna hate me.

And with him, he didn't want to have a baby right then. That wasn't what he wanted to do. And he didn't even want to get you know married for real. Um but he but he hadn't a proposal to me and we ended up getting you know married, sound familiar. We had. We did a whole episode about monogamy and I used the word pressure, and women came for me like one of those patrice you came from my husband.

Of course, because the minute you say pressure, women get defensive because they feel like it's not pressure, it's me telling you what I want and what I need and make a decision. Yes, I feel like it's just like a man that could be transparent and say I don't want to have kids or I don't want to get married.

That's fine. But I don't think it's wrong for me to say I do want to get married, I do want to have kids, and if that's not in your plan, that's fine, and let me go and go be with a person who does want to get I understand that. But here's my counter argument. If a man were to quote unquote pressure a woman to have kids, he would be considered wrong because there have been women who came for me who have been like, why you keep asking Codeine to have kids. That's her decision. You shouldn't be

pressuring her to have kids. To me, it just seems a little hypocritical. If a man says what he wants is considered pressure, and that's not fair. But if a woman says what she wants, it's I'm just telling you what I need, and you have a right to say, yeah, your name. Well, I didn't think of another child was pressure per se, because I think it was a joint decision, and I think ultimately you were allowing me to say, it's my body, so I can do with it what

I please. But as a married couple who plans for our life and plans for our future, it was worth the discussion. So you had to let me know how you felt about it, and then in turn me be like, all right, this is something I don't know he wants. Let's see if it's something I'm willing to do as well. Yeah, but I'm not even talking about us thinking it was pressure.

I'm talking about some people who are not in relationships, single people who wonder like, how how could I even be in a relationship if someone is going to quote unquote pressure me. Whereas when you think about it now, it isn't pressure. We both as individuals have the right to say what we want and what we need, right and we already like kind of laughed at Katris, We were laughing at single people having such opinions about married people.

So what was it for you that kind of was a trigger when you heard that monogamy clip from to Valenti because you said you were one of those people that got on him. Well, because I feel like there's a difference between pressure and an ultimatum. I feel like if I'm saying, hey, I really want to have a baby, I only have two years to have a baby, just let me know where your mind is at. That is like, it is me applying pressure. But is it me being like if you if you don't choose to have a

baby with me, that I'm out. Then there's a difference if I'm saying you have to or I'm gone, You're You're never gonna see me. That really wasn't me. It was really me saying where is your mind? That were We are adults and this is us talking about a future. We've been together for five years now, are we moving in the direction of getting married and having a baby? Because if not, I need to make a decision for

myself and my future because is it wrong? Then would it be wrong for me to say, let me not say anything, none, let me just sit here and hope that's something? Absolutely not? The thing is I agree that you have the right to do that, but I do also agree that it's pressure and it is an ultimatum. But yeah, but what we have to stay up doing is demonizing people who are saying I need this for me.

There's nothing wrong with it, you see that. The problem is is that people create a negative connotation and and me being one of those people, I was immature at that point in my life. I didn't understand why it had to be that way. Why does everything have to be on your terms and when you want it and when you need it? But when you think about it, you only get one life. If you don't vocalize what you want and what you need, you'll never get in

a relationship what you want and what you need. And I think that's in part what you know, what we're trying to teach people, not even teach people to show people that if you're willing to be of service to your partner and your partner is willing to be of service to you, when they tell you what they want and when they need, you won't even take it as

an ultimatum. It's just open forms of communication. Absolutely. But I also think at the same time, when somebody tells you what they want, listen to them because they need getting married. No, that's that's a great point, and it I can say, I can say a lot of things, but he was honest from the beginning. He really was not trying to have another baby. He really was not. He would say he wants, he knew he wanted to marry me, but he just wasn't ready at that time.

That's for me, it was like I got I got things to do. You know how how much more of my life? Five We've been together five years, and for me it's like that's you know, that's a long as time proposed. Um, would you have moved out because you just had this timeline that you were working on, So would you have been like, damn, I you don't want to propose, or you don't want a baby now, so I don't have to just go do me. I mean

that is what happened. At first. We broke up for months because he just he was like, I can't give you an answer, and I was like, that's fine. There's no love loss, there's no beef. I need to step back so I could figure out what you know it was right for me. Then we ended up getting back together and he proposed a couple of months later. See that that is the epitome of pressure in an ultimate at them. But but the thing is, it's not wrong. It's your life, like like this, this is what we

have to do. Stop doing two people right. If someone says this is what I need and I want, right, everyone knows has a problem with that person saying that that's wrong. You can't be mad at Katrice for doing that, the same way I can't be mad at you for doing that to me. You see what I'm saying. The problem is that when you ask people to tell them to tell you the truth, and they tell you the truth,

then you get mad at their truth. I think a lot of times to we get wrapped up in the word like pressure, ultimatum when we're not really even listening to like what it is that the person needs is just thinking that the negative connotation around the world like pressure, ultimatum, or you're allowing your spouse to do something like there's certain things that are trigger words. I think for people that sometimes makes it worse than what the actual ask is.

You know. Yeah, and I think that the wrong person ends up being called selfish because is it's selfish to ask or what you want? Or is it is it selfish for you to do something to keep someone but you really didn't want to do it, you know what I'm saying, Like you you don't want to lose the person to someone else, so you're like, well, I'm gonna marry them and keep them so I don't lose them. But this isn't really what I want to do, so I know I'm not gonna be all the way in.

Then it's like, well then what's It's a very there's there's a very fine line on both ads all what is right to do because it's like, you want to speak up for yourself, you want two, you want to ask for what you want. But at the same time, I think my issue is when men say they were pressured, but it's like nobody had a gun to your head. You could have said no. So now you're going into something that you knew you really didn't want to go into. You're an adult just like I am, so maybe you

shouldn't have gone gone into it. So I mean marriage there, I mean there's ton of books on marriage, but it doesn't mean anybody knows what they're talking about. It's so it's so difficult. It's very very hard. Yeah, you're bringing to different people who are raised by two different parents, you know, and trying to create this union that's going to last forever, and it's just it just sometimes doesn't

work well. Can I say this all the time that everyone claims to be an expert on marriage and we're all just guessing, like we don't know what works, Like you're kind of just trying to figure it out. But the only way you can honestly find a way to exist in your marriage happily if both people are willing to say exactly what they want and what they need in real time, and if your spouse is willing to be of service to your wants and needs, that's the

only way it's gonna work. And yeah, and there there's no one the way that's going to fit all marriages, Like it works for us, is not gonna work for probably of everybody else. So it's like, there's no reason to say follow this format because that shop ain't gonna work for everybody else. Need. Yeah, it's make your own rules and but make sure you keep the respect for one another and for sure for sure. So now you're fairly new to the co parenting journey. So this episode

is going to touch on a couple of different things. Um, co parenting, what's that looking like for you when it comes to because you have two sons and you have two different age reads fifteen and almost five, right and alost. Yeah, so with the fifteen year old, Like I said, we were kids. So the first five years we hated each other, like we were like you were in my life. Why do we get there? That was so dumb. Now to say that I'm divorced and I'm twenty three at that point,

you know, like this is so dumb. Whatever. We just it took us a while to get to the point where we um could really communicate, and then it just grew into a friendship where we realized we once you seriously put your child first, Like people say it all the time. They're like, I do this for my kid, I do this, and it's like, you can clearly see that you have not romantically cut yourself off from this person. It's not you did it for your doing it for

the kids. You're doing it for yourself. And if you're doing it for the kids, you wouldn't be yelling in front of kids. You would And I mean I was guilty of that too, you know. Um. And we got to the point where we really did sit down and say, look, we are going to be in each other's lives for the rest of our lives. I don't I'm too fucking exhausted chasing up for this little boy to now have to beef with you until the end of days. I can't.

And we just kind of really shifted our perspective and we removed that hate because it's like we we still created this child together, we still have to raise this child, and him being a healthy and non toxic man one day is going to be based off of what he sees from us. So I think once we were able to adjust our you know are ways of thinking, um and really become a team. Now, like I said, we we joke, laugh whatever, I can call him and be

like guess what this mother. We're like laughing, cracking up, whatever, and it's great. Um now now my new Now we're still in those five years a little bit. I mean, I think for me, like I've been obviously, I want to get to that healthy co parenting um place. And I feel like we we will get there. Um, it's just you know, sometimes people aren't. Sometimes people that we're you're just not on the same page and it's just gonna take a little bit of work to get to

the same page. I think we handled our separation and divorce differently. As soon as I filed for a separation almost two years ago, I went started there. I'm like, look, I need to heal myself. I need to work on myself because although there was I can't say that I wasn't. I was just this perfect wife that did everything right. And at this point, I'm like, your your thirty four who at that point of your thirty three and you have now been divorced twice, you need to do some

soul searching and figure out what then is going on? Yeah, it's like what's going on? You know? And and I did? I spent ah. I have an amazing therapist and she she readed me for folks a couple of times, and then she also just let me know, like to be gentle with myself, you know, because a lot of it was me ignoring red flags and having this feeling of something.

Something she told me that stuck with me was, how however, whatever you saw growing up, wheathers on TV or your parents or whatever, whatever you saw, is how you envision your life growing up. Even if you don't even even if you're not even um like actually looking for you're you're not thinking about it. It's in the back of your head. So if you see your parents arguing all the time growing up, then in your mind, a healthy relationship is someone who you're arguing with all the time.

So I would always go for the quote unquote bad boy who I was arguing with all the time. And if I wasn't arguing with you, it seemed boring. There's something wrong and I didn't know why. And I'm like, he's every this guy is great, he treats you so good, but no, he's not for me. It's because my growing up, you know, I saw a lot of arguing, not just on TV stuff like that. So for me that I felt normal. That was love. That's what love meant to me.

And so that was another reason why I end up getting a divorce, was because I didn't want my kids to think and arguing and fussing and all of this. Obviously it happened. You know you're gonna argue, but you arguing and fussing more than showing love front of your kids, is I don't want this should just be a cycle where my kids are now in relationships with someone who you know. So, um, okay, I think that I have gotten to the place where I most certainly feel like

I am. I am not completely healed, but really good. Um you know, I'm dating someone and I'm happy. And I just think that I I focused on myself first and on healing myself instead of like ignoring it and just putting it to backburn, act like it didn't happen. So hopefully one day we'll get on the same page where we can co parent very well. I mean, for now, it's there's no bad blood or anything like that, but it's definitely bad like with c J Dad, where we

could joke labe, not like that right now. Well it's it's funny though, because our first five years of marriage and I would say co parenting was terrible. It was. It was horrible. Were divorce within our marriag debut three times, unbeknownst to the general public, but it was. It was pretty bad. But what is it about that first five years of marriage? I think it's what Katric said and what you and I talk about all the time. She grew up in a household where marriage looked a certain way.

I grew up in a household where marriage looked a certain way, and without actively thinking that, you're trying to play out what you've seen in your life. I was trying to play out what I saw, and she was trying to play out what she saw. And when we didn't meet, we just blamed each other and like everything

is just your fault. There was no accountability. There were very little conversations had to about it because I always talk about too how I don't feel like I was ever really prepared to be a wife, Like what does

that look like? You know? But then on the converse side of that, even if my mom or my aunt's or some elder in my family were to prepare me to be a wife, that would be them using whatever tainted, jaded experience that they have had as a wife then inflicting that on me and me thinking that was like to be all that ended all, instead of looking to my husband to see, Okay, what is it that was going to make it work for us? You know. So

that's something that it's kind of hard. But there's I had a lot of couples talk about that five year period where it's a lot of transitioning. Some people are just moving in together, so it's like trying to figure out living with someone for the first time as well as being married. Sometimes it's financial issues that are stresser. It's I mean, we got married and had a baby that was a honeymoon baby, so there were a lot

of changes that happened right away. Um, so that first five years is a little touch and go becau treat You said something that I want I want you to follow up on. Um. You said that part of the reason why you got divorced is because you didn't want your son to see how you were being treated. And I always feel like as a as a boy, as a boy dad, there's gonna be two relationships that they're going to take with them for the rest of their life. It's how I treat their mom and how their mom

treats them. That's how they're going to treat the woman that they choose to marry the rest of their life. Right, So, can you talk a little bit about co parenting in that space where dad is not in the home and you have a boy, because I have a lot there's a lot of single moms who are in my d M saying, like this video that you posted, you know, helped me with my son. How do you find it

is parenting as a single mom two boys? Well, I think that you're actually missing one other relationship that's important and that's the way that um, the mom treats the dad. Oh absolutely, yeah, yeah, Um so I think and I do want to circle back on that because I wish there's so many Like I said, I was not perfect. So even the way that I reacted to things, or the way that I behaved in certain or I would

say the way that I reacted was was not necessarily. Um, the way that if I saw one of my sons they were dating someone as they acted that way, we're about to I'm gonna be like, regardless of what my kid did. Like, so it's like even just get just showing them the respect you need to have for a person um. But the reason why I said, the way

the mom treats the dad too. Obviously, yes, the dad does need to treat the mom a certain way, and you need to to show that how important it is to to, you know, treat the mom the way she's supposed to be treated. But I think it's the other

way too, especially when it comes to feelings. And that is something that I have learned through therapy and I have applied to my new relationship where I am encouraging him to tell me how he feels from the beginning, and I literally in the beginning he was acting like, you know, be so tough, you so cool, whatever, And I was like, look, if that's how you're about to be, that's fine, but it's not for me. Okay, I haven't been arounding block. I'm not about to do this again.

So you we need a talk, need to be open.

And because I'm encouraging him to tell me his feelings and you know whatever, it's it's opened up a whole another like part of a relationship that I didn't even know you could have with the man where you feel not only do I feel comfortable being vulnerable with you, but you feel comfortable being vulnerable with me and grow Like raising boys, I feel like it's this huge circle where you have a son and then you teach him he needs to be tough, you can't cry, you can't

do this, blah blah blah. Then they get into a relationship with a girl who likes him so much because he seems macho and tough and he's gonna protect me or whatever. But then the end of divorce because he never told me how he felt, or he act like he didn't care, whatever, And it's like okay. But then y'all had a kid who you're now raising to be macho and and it's like a whole circle boy over

and over. And it's that aspect of showing boys that it's okay to be vulnerable and and and show their feelings. And even with my oldest son, I was the mom when he was younger, like you can't cry. You're a boy, you can't do this, you can't do that, you know, And and I was hard on him. I'm hard on my nieces too, you know, like is it worth you crying? Is it? You know? Which is crazy because I'm a cry baby. But I think because I never wanted them to be a cry baby like me. I'm like, why

are you crying? But I think now that my son is older and this happened too, I put him in therapy when we got divorced, too, and a lot of those things came out. We were able to talk to each other, and it was like, once I gave him permission to be vulnerable with me, now now he's telling me stuff that I don't think he would have ever

told me before, and now it's changed our relationships. So while I think it is extremely important to demonstrate, you know, how how a mom should be treated, how how a husband should treat a wife, I also feel like it is equally important to not only show how a mom shooting or or a wife should encourage a husband to share his feelings, but a man being comfortable sharing his

feelings too. We we were just talking about that without boys, because there's a balance, because I'm definitely that dad that's just like, yo, is that worth crying? Sucked the tears up? It's not, that's not necessary. But I'm also the dad they'd be like, Okay, you need to cry, Come cry with me, because I want my my boys to understand that you can only be vulnerable with people you trust. You know, you can't just go out there in the world and just be vulnerable with anybody. People gonna take

advantage of you. So vulnerability is supposed to be a selective usage, you know, like, don't just go out there and meet any girl and just start opening your heart to any girl or any friend. You just open your heart to. Know. There's certain people you cry in front of, and then there's certain people that you just I'm a whole less ship in because I don't trust this motherfucker, and I think you know, it's it's important for young men and young women to know that it's okay to

use discernment with who to be vulnerable with. Absolutely you mentioned um when you introduce yourself gentle parenting, what does that look like to you in your scope of parenting with boys? It looks it looks like a lot of wine. It looks like because this ship, Oh my god, you have me dying on the reel you did recently where it was the usher intro and it was like they called when the school calls you to tell you that virtual learning is back in and what's the beginning of

that When he's just like stop playing how you know? No, No, you really know. It's just like light weight. I was like, you got something be kidding me because we thought we were smooth sailing. Now all of a sudden, back in the house, up again, Back in the house, locked up again. So I it's funny I might be that one mom. A's just like I kind of like my kids where I can see him because I tell my husband all the time, I said, the only time I feel like my I'm at ease is when I know that all

of my manner in the house. That means my husband and my four boys. If one of them is out doing whatever it is, I feel like I'm in a constant state of worry. I need them where I can see them. Um, but I want to shift gears a little bit, Katris now and just talk a little bit more on the parenting side about advocating for your child. So I know that your youngest son, UM, who's almost fine. What's his name again? Ashton? Right? Ashton? So, Ashton was

diagnosed with autism. Can you tell us a little bit about your journey with that um to diagnosis and where you are now. So actually got diagnosed with autism and two years ago when he was he was born five years ago. And when he was born, um, he's he's pretty you know, like typical baby did everything was met all of his mouth stones and everything. And and then at a certain point we started to realize that his um, he was like staying the same, like he wasn't growing.

And here he was physically growing, but like mentally it wasn't like he was doing the things that most babies would do. UM. One of the things he started crawling with and with like one of his back legs and the other one he would kind of like drag his back leg. And at first we thought it was cute. We were like, oh, okay, yeah, like that's cute whatever. Um. And then he started you know how babies, you know how sometimes they'll get startled and they'll put their hands

out like okay, that's a normal thing. But when they're a year old and they're still doing it, it's no longer so you know normal. UM. So so typical not normal. It's not a typical thing for a one year old to do. So. UM, by eighteen or by fifteen months, I think it was fifteen or sixteen months. UM, we took him to the doctor and we're like, you know, he's not saying anything. He doesn't really make eye contact

with us, he doesn't really play with his brothers. I mean, and his brothers were ten years older than him, so we kind of were like, well, maybe it's just because they're not whatever. And so the doctor was like, m well, let's wait until eighteen months. We'll come back, we'll look at him and see and I'm like, okay, but a mom knows you have the feeling in your debt. Everybody else in my family was like, he's fine, and I

just I knew something was off. Um, and I was crying and all this stuff, and they're like, you're doing the most. Everything is fine, and they're like, oh, June buzz from such start talking any started talking to he was sick, they started walking soil. He was seven, and you're like, okay, okay, that's good for them, but I

know something you know, so um. Then finally he he wants to go see uh or he didn't even were supposed to see a developmental pediatrician, which is one of the hardest doctors to get into for a child because you literally are going to the doctors saying I think my child has some kind of developmental disability, and they're like, okay, well we can see you in a year for a diagnosis. And that's sometimes like while you're on like a waiting list,

and you're like what the fuck. So before you even do that, to even get to actually seeing the doctor, you have to do this phone call that takes like thirty minutes, and they asked you like a hundred and something questions. It's like yes or no questions, as your child do this, there's a child do that, blah blah blah.

So I'm sitting on the phone and I'm answering all these questions at this point asking is is two years old, and I'm I'm answering all these questions and he's at the end he's like all right, well he doesn't sound like he's about to speak to me, things like he's fine, we'll come back in six months to a year, oh my god. And I'm like that should just don't seem right, Like for you don't even see him, you don't need

to see him. You're just just talking to me over the phone and asking me general ask questions and how are you supposed to know? You know, if you're not do stupid ship too where it's like if you give him a bottle will and a cheerio, will he put the cheerio inside of the bottle. I'm like, I mean, like, what the hell I want me? Like, what the fun is this? Why are you handing it to me? Like? You know? So it was like questions. A lot of

them were throwing me off too. Later I found out that when you have one of those things, you should exaggerate your answers if you really feel it though your child is on the spectrum, because they just kind of like and that way you can go to see the doctor where you know. So then we went they went took him back to the pediatrician. I'm like, something is wrong, y'all going I need something. They put him in the infant and toler program. She just diagnosed him with um

severe developmental delay, he said. She said it should be fine, he should catch up. And I said, okay, I want to get in with a pediatrician. You know, whatever pandemic happens. We're on the wait list for a year and a half. That was the time frame they had given us. With a year, I happened to call right maybe a month after the pandemic, or maybe two months after the pandemic started, and I just aslad, can't put me on the weight list.

You know, we have an appointment for a year and a half from now, but can you put me on the wait list in case something happens? I kid you not. The very next day she called me and said we had a cancelation Friday, and I was like, I was like absolutely. Now. At this point Ashton, I had been home with Ashton for two months. I am the least patient person you whatever mean, but I'm also the most

determined person. So the moment they told me that he had a developmental delay, I started doing all this research. I started doing all this work with him. I changed I found this this other mom that I had met started telling me she was changing up her kids diet and to read this book and read that, and so I started doing all this res put him on supplements. A lot of Ship was just me fucking guessing like, okay,

well they said this is good for this. I'm not a fucking obviously, I'm not a doctor, but I'm like, I'm gonna try this. I'm gonna try that because I can tell Ship was not okay with it like he was at this point, he's two and a half and he's not saying even mom or dad, you know, like he's not saying nothing like okay. So by the time he sees the developmental pediatrician, um, it was a two

hours zoom call. And this guy is sitting there talking to him and he's going over all of his notes because he had been in the Infinite Tiller program for a year at that point. So when you're in the Infinite Holler program, they send a therapist to your house. Uh. However, many times a week the pediatrician recommends and they evaluate them, and they compiled this list or this this file on your child of all the of the things that you

know that they've observed. So he keeps on asking me, is this the same kid from such a such date, Is this the same kid? Because at this point Ashton had made a lot of big changes. He wasn't saying word yet, but he could identify ship and just three months before the pandemic, he wasn't saying, you know, like different things. Um. But one of the reasons why he did end up diagnosing Ashton with autism was because and

I actually it just happened this morning. I was actually just doing a video on it before we did this UM. One of the things he told me to do was to pretend that I was crying and turned my back to Ashton to see if Ashton even looked my way or anything. And so I pretended to cry and then he just was not, like he was like all right. So then I was like, well, let me let me turn it up. I'm not believable. I'm sobbing. I should

have won award for this performant. I'm I and this man still like playing with his little toys like whatever. I'm like, what's the fun? Like he don't see me. I need you, I did you to you know, don't hold me? And he just nope them to know. So the doctor starts writing all this ship down after that one like writing off. So at the end one he diagnosed and he said, you know, one of the biggest UM signs that I saw with him, it was like a lack of empathy or you know, he just didn't

have that. You know, even if if I seemed frustrated or flustered or anything, Ashton wouldn't even look my way. He was just in his own world. So That was two years ago, and probably every week after that for about a year and a half, I would randomly pretend I was crying to see if ash didn't even care. Maybe like maybe towards the end of that year and a half, maybe like two weeks into it, he started like looking but he would just start laughing, like he's

just an asshole, Like I'm laughing me. So you may be autistic because every time I try to like to pay attention to me, I'll be like solid and crying and she'd be ignoring me, and I'll be like, yo, what did she just so I'd be going hard, you know what, saying I'm a thespian, I do this. I hear giggling in the bank and I turned around without you laughing. You're laughing at my pain. Now I know what it is. Now I know what it is. Does he started laughing, this is what it is? Yeah, So

when he started laughing at I didn't care. I was like, okay, whatever, I'm not gonna do. I was six months. I haven't done it in six months this morning. Now, Ashton's personality has really come out a lot. He has he has become this child that is very vocable, vocal about how he feels, and which is a great very bad attitude, very bad attitude, which is great for a child who was literally in his own world and did not care.

You're like, I'll take it. We can work on that. Yes, So this morning he was at his dad yesterday, so when I picked him up last fight, he went to sleep. This morning, I'm like, you want to play? I walked into his room. He's playing with all his toys. Normally he wants to play. I was like, who you want

to play? And he was like no. And when it closed the door, in my case, like this when the gentle parenting comes in, because the old Katrees would kick down the door and be like, who the fuck are you? You know what I was, Oh, I calmly opened up the door, and I sat in the corner. I said, I wonder what will happen if I pretend to cry? So I pulled out my phone and just turned it on record, and I pretended to cry, and I kind of looked over my shoulder at him, and he looked

back at me. So I'm like, okay, he's looking back at me. And then he stood up and he's like, hey, mommy, Hey, mommy behind me. He's like, hey mommy, Hey mommy, And I'm still crying because I was so into the performance. Probably really know exactly. I was like in it. I was in it. And he was like my, hey mommy, Hey mommy. And then I said yes, asked me. He said why are you crying? Which I would never I mean, this man a year ago was not even saying even two words in the sense, but now, and he said

why are you crying? And I said because you made me sad? And he said, okay, let's play. And I was like, not start, do not start, really start crying right now. So I was like okay, And I'm like so excited to play with him and do all this stuff because it was like, you know, it's it's little things that that when you go through this, when when you when you have a child whoo's autistic, there's so many feelings that you have of um, You're you're angry,

You're you're jealous. You see other parents or you know, with with their kids and you know, just the simplest thing, um for for a parent with a child with autism is not simple. You can imagine. I can't imagine. It's a level of maybe like guilt or wondering did you do something, guilt something to prevent it? Exactly, I couldn't hold down prenatal vitamin So for the first like three months of his his diagnosis, I blame myself. He didn't

get the vitamins he needed. He didn't you know, I didn't do I should have just pushed through, should have just kept on trying to take them. Um. And then you get the mama bear where it's like you go out and people are looking at you. Because there's a thing called stemming where every child with autism has a different, different little courts or whatever. Ashton's is. When he gets excited, he stems, but we like extend his hands out like

he gets really excited or stamps on his timtotoes. And you you see other parents looking, or you see other kids, and I don't care how old you are, moving my baby, you know you're automatically like turn the around, right. I am grateful that I feel over this pandemic. I honestly feel like people have been more open about autism on social media because the looks that I would get before, um, the pandemic and the looks now even though Ashton obviously

has has um. He has developed and like it's reaching more milstone, so he's not as you know, it's not as intense like it's seming and stuff. But it's different. It's almost like and I can look at other parents too, and I can look at a child that probably some other people wouldn't notice, but I can notice that your

your kid must be on the spectrum. And you kind of look at the parents and it's a feeling of comfort, like and you kind of suit closer to them at the playground and it's like, oh, we can understand our kids can play together, you know. So I think it's

it's such it's such an emotional thing. And the autism community is great, but even within that community, there's a there's a divide amongst some of the parents because there's some parents who are who believe certain things and this is how you should treat your child with autism, and there's some parents think otherwise. And you know, at the end of the day, nobody knows what the funk we're doing. We're just trying to make sure our children have the

brightest future. But you have those people who are just so angry and they feel like they just got to tell you this. They tell you that I have people all the time because I share the things that I've done with Ashton so that you know that he has made all of these big strides and changes, and you know,

and has grown so much. And I share it because I feel like it would be wrong of me not to share something that has changed our lives so drastically, to the point where in therapy they have now tested him out. He's completely caught up with you know, kids his his own age. So then our parents coming on my page saying like, well, not autism isn't something you can heal. Stop trying to make it seem like it's

something that can just go away when I'm not. I'm just trying to get my baby the brightest future possible and trying to share that information, you know. Or there's there's people who have autism adults who come in and they say, we don't want anybody you're we don't want people to know when we have autism. We don't feel like we need to broadcast it. So your something probably wouldn't either. And that's the one hundred percent fine, you know,

with how they want to handle it. And and my son is right now, I am his boy four years old, I am his boyfriend, and the way that I am raising him is to be proud of who he is. There is nothing wrong with it, and I feel like the only way. There's so many people who even growing who I grew up with, who even in elementary school, I remember they were the bad kid or they got trump. Now I'm thinking back on it, like they probably were just on the spectrum. Especially in the black community, everything

is like completely ignored. He's just bad. You need to be his ass or you know, just being around or this and that, and it's like, no, you need to take a step back and and see you know, their signs and things. So it's not not to cut you off. But it's not just in the black community. Because I worked at Polly Prep and Brooklyn, which is a bunch of wealthy white families, and there was definitely some kids who are on the spectrum. Their way of covering it

up is paying their kids way through life. So we we had kids who were on the spectrum who I'm I can't out him, but his dad used to put a library so that he can graduate from middle school to high school or you know, make sure make sure he gets his diploma. One time with the rest of his class, I'll put a football feeling like there's there's always donations, yes, but but what you do. I think it's so important because when you can add levity to

something that's so serious, it humanizes the experience. And what you said to me, what resonated was the joy you felt when he said that simple world was like, Mommy,

why are you crying? When people can see you have that joy as a parent, even even though it's a parent with a child that has autism, that joy is like we can all relate to that, you know, because we as parents, even even if your child doesn't have autism, sometimes your child does stuff that you just look at them and be like, why the funk would you do that? And other parents who have children with you can see that and they laugh because they're like, I was just

there with my child. Allowing us to allowing us to allowing yourself to be his voice, allows us to see what it's like, and then you you won't have so many people staring and wondering what's happening if they already understood what's going on. Right. It also makes you better equipped, I think as a parent to know there's certain things to look for, so, like you said, as opposed to looking at the child and say, oh, he's just bad or you know, he needs his ass beat or put

his ass in time out. Now we can actually properly, properly diagnose our children or see when they need help and then be that advocate. And for Ukuatrisa like that blew my mind when you told me that you had to wait a whole year for him to see someone. So much can happen or not happen with a child's developmental phases in a year that you feel like, oh, I'm just gonna sit back here and just wait for

a year before we figure things out. So, you know, I think it's great that you took it upon yourself to find ways to you know, trial and everythings to see what would work and what wouldn't you know and then sharing that. I think there's a wealth of knowledge just in that. And that's what I think I love

about um your story. I love that about even just our podcast in this platform, because there's so many topics that we discuss on here that are always taboo or just not spoken about, particularly about the brown communities, and we have to get the information out there because there's so many resources in that, there's so much support in that, and things are not like it's all about healing the generations forward and not repeating that cycle of you know, oh he was bad and his his brother was bad

and you like you said, Jim bugg and walked until he was six, Like you know, little things like that, UM diagnosing them earlier so the kids in the future have a little bit more hopes. Well, what what were a couple of the things that you've done, because you said that, you know people saying you can't heal autism and you're like, well, I'm not trying to heal it. What I get is that you're trying to be as

of much support to your son as possible. What are some of the things you've done to help him be to be a support just from him? Well, when I started him on a series of vitamins and supplements that UM, I got well, I got his metal levels tested, which that was one of the things. The mom that I was saying earlier that I've met, her name is Tiffany. She was telling me that she got her son metals

tested UM and toxic or toxins tested. It's like just like a hair test and like a saliva test, and you sent it into this lab and they'll come back and tell you like, yes, there's a high level in your child or whatever. And Ashton had a high level of mercury and the boominum in the system. Um, and what can happen? Again, I'm not a doctor. This is me telling you guys how I process the information. So a doctor might be listening and be like this bit

is how I process the information. So everybody's body, um, you know, like your liver helps to get rid of metals and toxic it on your body. It flushes it out. That's like supportant to drink a lot of water and get all that stuff out. Some people's bodies do not have the proper ability to flesh out metals and toxic there's metals and toxics and everything we eat, everything we do, you know. So I'm not going to go into the reasons why you know, he might have medals and toxics

in his system, um, because that's a huge thing. But I think for him, once I found that out, I started finding supplements and and um and vitamins that would not only help him with removing safely removing those toxic those medals and toxics, but also would help in areas that he was deficient and so for instance, asked used to grind his teeth all the time, like just we would just be sitting there, he'd be grinding feet and then the car it would noises drive me crazy, like

here and somebody too. I would have to turn the music up so loud because it would make me want to cry because I would he wouldn't even listen to me when I'm like, please stop, plea stop. You know. So, UM, I found out this z inc if you give more link to a child, it can help with stuff like that.

After a week, he stopped grinding his teeth. So there's a lot of stuff of doing like your own research and seeing different things that your child UM might be doing, UM and using finding supplements that you know I can help. I also changed his diet. All of these things that I did when I told the development of pediatrician when he saw Ashton for a follow up UM and told me I should write a book because he has never

seen a child make so many huge strides. When I told him, I changed his diet and put him on supplements, he said, but that's not the reason why he's the way with he is. I know because I'm a doctor. And I said, well, I mean you asked me what I did. I'm telling you what I did. And he's like no, He's like, trust me, I'm a doctor. I know I've done research on this. I know that's not true. My mother's husband is a doctor as well. And so everything I give to Ashton, I asked him first, is

this okay? And there's a very fine line because I also know he doesn't want to be like okay for something that is like you know, I probably shouldn't, but I'm asking him like, am I going to kill my child if I give my child? You know? Like that's basically that's that's the kind of understanding that we have. Just tell me if this is dangerous for him and if it's not okay um. And he told me no,

those things are healthy. Um. So we changed his diet, which they all all the doctor said that does nothing for me. It helps Ashton when he has gluten, he's super super hyper. I can't get him to listen to me or listen to lessons if he's hyper. So it's not because I think it's crying his autism. It's because this man is like like a crackhead. How am I supposed to his babycas if he won't fit the fun down? So no, no bread for you. We're gonna cut it out for now. And then another thing that I did

that I tell a lot of parents I would. I changed ashtons iet and did all of these things a year and some change before we saw any different um, before we saw any difference in him. I changed, I changed his all of these things. And there was a lot of me just cry ying, like am I just doing this for nothing? I would do exercise with him over the pandemic, and he wasn't even paying attention to me.

I would be chasing him around with flash cards. This is a fish, f I am, this is a grilla, this is the color of green, this is the color purple. And it was like, this man is not even listening to ship I'm saying. The moment he started talking, it was like every single thing that I was chasing him around trying to get him to understand, he was saying all this stuff that I thought he was ignoring me. You know, for a year and a half, all of the things. But in that he also got my attitude

and I came out to he got my attitude. He says like ship that I would say, like one of the things that I've really been trying to work. I didn't haven't said it in so long, but I used to say, I don't even care no more. And like during the pandemic, you know, like if I'm trying to get the boys to do something, the older boys, they weren't listening. I'd be like, I don't even care no more,

and like walk away. Two months ago, I told Ashton to do something and he was like, I don't even care no more the way and I was like, okay, so you really they really you have up until five where their brains. This is for any child. Their brains are like sponges. They they're they're observed absorbing everything. After that, their brain starts to develop habits. So when I try to tell parents and the doctors and therapists, all of

them will agree that early intervention is key. You can't you can't wait for you know, for a doctor to say, oh you have to wait a year and a half. Okay, Well, then you gotta do what you gotta do. As a mom, you gotta go do research, you gotta try to figure out. You have to. There's so many moms on YouTube, there's

so many moms on Instagram. And to what you said about you can't be vulnerable with people, and you know, there are certain things I do agree with that, but for me me being vulnerable with my kid and saying I think my kid might have all poom on my page, and me saying me me sharing myself having a very tough time with it, and which is completely not me. I'm a very pridaful person. Like I'm a cry baby, but only certain people gonna know that I'm a cry baby. Um,

but I switched it. And because of that, it was people saying, we'll try this. I tried this with my son, or go here, you know they do this, or maybe buy this, or maybe do this. And because of all of these little nuggets I was getting from all of these different different moms, from me being vulnerable, I was able to give my son what I think is a new start, you know, compared to the doctor's once saying

he's gonna live with you forever. You just need to keep your mind, you know, you know, you prepare yourself for that he's gonna live free with you forever, which in one sense you feel bad as a mom for many reasons. One is he not going to have his own life? Is he ever gonna go to promise? He ever gonna get married? And I'm gonna have grandchildren? And then you have like the selfish feeling of am I ever going to have time for myself again in my life?

You know, like it's like it's like all of the thing um, and I just feel like and at least at least with that, well, I feel like a social media in general, if you're if people were more more vulnerable and open and honest about things, we wouldn't feel this pressure to be so fake on social media to keep up with everybody else, because then we would see that everybody is going through the same thing. Once I was open about Acton's autism, then all sudden, all these

other people start reaching out to me. It does get very overwhelming, and and sometimes I can't keep up with it because there's so many messages from mom saying I saw this post and I knew something was wrong, and if you could just talk to me about it, because I have you known a lot wrong and and it's like it can be overwhelming because one it takes me back to that dark time that I know exactly how they feel like, and that I was crying every fucking day,

drinking wine every two minutes, and I'm like, how can I help my baby? How I folk up? Um? But at the same time, if people were more open or honest about it and we we could share this stuff more openly, and we could all help each other, not only to help our children develop and be put in the best position possible for the future, but to be there for one another, because you can feel isolated and

a loan. You know, when you have friends with children who are you know, um, typical children, and you have the and they don't understand what you're going through, So now you want people you could talk to. You know, the best thing for me is to have parents that now I can reach out to and be like, girl, he just did blah blah blah, and and they understand, you know, they understand what I'm going through. They're not looking at me like who the fuck he just did? What?

You know? So I think that vulnerability. You know, I agree with you about being vulnerable because us being vulnerable and opening up about our relationship. We do get a lot of good feedback from people, but there are also people who attack you for your vulnerability, you know, and there's people who judge you for being vulnerable. And that's where I say you have to be selective about who you want to be vulnerable with because everyone is not

going to be your advocate. Everyone is not going to root for you to be happy, in part because they're dealing with their own issues, so you can't. And what we've learned, and I've learned this from even from playing football, is not to take everyone's words for you as something is wrong with you. So a lot of time people just project their own issues on you. When they see an opening, they use that vulnerable woman to project whatever

they're going on. So that's how we've able to get through allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and understanding that everyone is not going to understand. Like there's times an vulnerable about how I feel as a man and I get attacked by women. There's time she's vulnerable about being open

as a woman she's attacked by men. There's there's times were vulnerable about being parents and being vulnerable about she was being vulnerable about postpartument, not feeling like she wanted to be a mom, and women tacked her saying, how dare you not want to be a mom? And It's like, hey, guys, I'm just telling you how I felt in the moment. I didn't say that was the be all at end though.

It was just that moment. But there was one thing you also said when when I used to run Prototype, we used to get a lot of kids with developmental issues and behavioral issues, and their parents took them the doctors, and the first thing the doctor said was this kid

needs at a roll or some sort of medication. And I used to tell the parents, I'm not a doctor like you, but I say, before you give that child medication in the morning, how about you just cut the sugar in the morning and put the child on a on a physical activity regiment before they go to school. I kid you not every child that we told that too did not have behavioral issues when they got to school.

For after that felt about three months. It was like getting rid of the sugar, getting rid of the gluten. Now the child was able to focus, putting them in a physical activity out all that energy. And it didn't matter if it was a boy or a girl. Because we had moms to come with us with girls who ran track or was volleyball who was getting into trouble. Once they changed their diet and gave them more physical activity,

all of these children responded to it. So what I've noticed is a trend of doctors trying to tell parents that medication is the key and pretty much telling a lot of black parents and brown parents that hey, your child is just gonna have a problem and there's nothing

you can do about it. We received a lot of parents like that, So can you just talk a little bit about advocating for yourself and your child even though all the professionals are saying, hey, you stuck bro life, It's just there's well why I'm not against uh medication. I just I have a d D. I'm not against it either whole life. But I did not go and get medication for it. And so two years ago. Um and this is after me trying tons of like natural things. So and it's not even something that I have to

take all the time. I think it's it's all in your mind that you know, um on on medication. However, I do want a hundred percent agree with you that doctors do just try to put medicine. It's like, here you go for her Ashton in his case when he got diagnosed that we had to go back in and see the pediatric and she literally handed me a brochure and basically was like wow. And I was I'm like, you have just rocked my entire My whole world has just been changed. He gave me this, this whole ass

brochure like what it was old too. I was really like, are you kidding? Yes, it was like the oldest ass brochure and I'm sure they have bell bottoms on in the beginning of the front of the brochure. I was like, what the fuck? Um? But I think that I I've said, I've shared this before that that I went through the first less crying. I was just in full volunteers. I wouldn't cry in front of Ashton, but any moment I

was by myself, I was crying. And then I realized, at some point at the end of the day, it is my job as his mom two make sure that he has the most successful future he could possibly have. There's no way for me to do that if I'm sitting here crying. So I would rather give my all and do every fucking thing I can to to ensure that he has for him and you know who he is. He has the most successful future. And I had to put on my big girl panties stop crying, and and

that's what I did. I didn't listen to what the doctor said, because the doctors were telling me anything. But he's gonna live with you forever, you know. These are the special schools he can go to. These are so I didn't for UM sports. He started wrestling UM last summer. It could only work for the summer because then the pandemic started, you know, going crazy again. But he started

last summer. We didn't put him in and UM in any like UH special wrestling, which was something that his father and I talked about, you know, whether or not we should put him in sports that you know, they have leagues for children with disabilities. And we made the decision that no, we didn't want to. And and that's a parents decision. So I would never judge a parent for doing that. But for us, he felt like we

wanted him. We're not going to be there to hold his hand for the rest of his life, you know, for us, and so we we want him to be around other people. So that he understands and that they understand that people are different, you know, and people might treat you differently. It's okay. We're gonna be there to help you and make sure you're okay. But we you know. So his school, he does not go to a school for children with just this bil at least he goes

to a regular preschool. Um. This is the same school that CJ went to. So they're they're like families. We love them, and they they were we They give him his premixed, his supplements and to his juice. They give it to him during lunchtime when he needs it and right before I pick him up, and you know, they keep me posted on things, and they pray over him

and all. This is great. You know, they're they're amazing, and you know, I think it's I think it's it's all about not only advocating for your children to the doctors or just in general, but to your families too, because a lot of times they will and and they don't mean it on purpose, but a lot of things up. That's nothing wrong with that boy. He you know, like I said, June Bud started talking, that's sick, you know. But man, man, man was crawling until he was seventeen

and then all things. So so I think it's a it's a thing, um standing ten toes down for your kids and saying this is this is my child, this is what I expect. I had to have a conversation with c J once he got diagnosed with my older son and say, you know, I know you're you're you're a teenager. Now you know like you need a last with me, But I gotta give a whole lot to your brother right now. I gotta, I really gotta clamp

down on your brother. I'm gonna need your help. I'm gonna need you to try to understand that that I'm not trying to ignore you or I'm not so I try to do. That's a whole podcast on its own in our build and talk about you're having a child with a disability and the other children feeling else neglected.

That's a huge that's a huge part. And the moment I get him down to bed at eight o'clock, I go in my room, I'm like that CJ knocking on the door, like, hey mom, what's I'm like, I don't have nothing left in me, you know, like I'm I'm dream I don't. And some days I have to say, I love you so much, and I'm so short about I feel like I'm in the past, you know, like or I'm a I'm a ship. So then it's just you know. But but with with him, with my it helps.

It helps to be to keep your old if you have older kids or or younger kids, um to be open and honest with them too, because one when because Ashlea has another brother to Elijah, um and we when we when we go anywhere with Ashley, his two big brothers are like, don't funk with my little brother. I'll beat the ship at y'all. Like they're like bodyguard until we run around. I can't touch it to nobody or whatever. If anybody look at them side when they looking like

it's a problem, it's something, you know. But at the same time, one time I took them to the playground and there was a little boy who you could tell was on the spectrum and he was older, he's like twelve, and he kept following my older boys in around. He wanted to play with me. He had no no kind of idea of like personal space or you know whatever. And they knew that I was worried. I was very concerned at first, but they was gonna be like, like, why are you But they didn't they leaven know he

was getting all you could tell. I mean, the teaching empathy. Like was proud of them because they really were like he was following them. They might they were trying to go down. He was right up behind them, but you know, they were fine with it. And I think that that's why it's so important to be open about it and to teach your kids, because I'm telling kindness is is the most wonderful gift you can get. Saying anybody sorry, I was just saying, that's that's this. There were so

many takeaways. I feel like in this episode we spoke about so many different things. I mean from co parenting to your divorce and then now um, dealing with children who have autists. I don't hate to say dealing. I want to say raising a child who has autists, because I think it's dealing with it. Um. And I feel like you should come back, like maybe next season and we can talk about something else. Progress. Yeah, you know,

I think there's always progress of action. Yeah. Yeah. And I think any parent who is listening to this or if you're not a parent, and you know someone who has a child but may have autism or you know, developmentally delayed or something's going on. UM, it's always helpful to have resources like this girl. We could talk all day just because No, that's fine, that's fine. That's what we're supposed to do. We supposed about UM. So we're gonna let you go, But thank you so much for um,

you know, joining us today. Tell everybody where they can find you, because there's a wealth of knowledge and funny moments. Y'all have to check out on funny Mama on Instagram, uh, Facebook, Facebook, and TikTok. It's the Funny Mama m O m m A. And then my website is the funny Mama dot com. And on their outline all of the different things I've done for action and all of the supplements and stuff like that. There sounds good. Well, if I'm ever in the d m V area, we'll get some wine together.

We appreciate you so much. We appreciate you so much. Thank you for your your story, your gift of storytelling, and your vulnerability. Absolutely, we appreciate you. This love to the boys, no doubt. Sure, all right, We're gonna take a quick break and then we're going to move into listening letters after we get into some ads. Alright, so we're back. We just want to give you guys some stats about autism that um our producer with the mostest triple.

In two thousand and twenty one, the CDC reported that approximately one and forty four children in the US is diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder that's a s D. According to two eighteen data, one in twenty seven boys identified with autism, one in one hundred and sixteen girls identified with autism, and boys are four times more likely to be diagnosed with autism than girls. That's interesting. I

didn't know UM and the causes of autism. I've always wondered because you hear all these different you know, UM you know ideas about it is that from vaccines is a genetic um but research indicates that genetics are involved in the vast majority of cases. Children born with older

parents are at higher risk of having autism. UM parents who have a child with a s D have two to eight percent chance of having a second child who's affective with it, and studies have also shown that among identical twins, if one twin is autism as sorry has autism, the other will be affected about thirty six percent at the time. That's pretty large. UM, and non identical twins, if one is has autism, then the other is affected about thirty one percent at the times. So it seems

like very specific data that we have here. And over the last two decades, extensive research has also asked whether there's a link between childhood vaccinations and autism. UM. The results of this research are clear that vaccines don't cause autism. However, some people will contest that and say that the length of time between certain vaccines being given to children, they feel like there's been a change where they've seen changes in their children where they may want to think that's

the reason why autism may result in their child. So just in data, do your research. Has always just wanted to throw it out there to y'all, but now you want to get into your favorite part of the show. Listen. We had a very long interview today, so we're only gonna do one listener letter. Alright, let's listening letter along too. I'll read it since you went off the stats. First off, I love you both and we love you too. Thank

you so much. For the positive energy. I have never had anyone to look up to, and I've been following both your journeys and I inspired to even be a tenth of you. Guys, are you so sweet? Like you and you will be better than us If you aspire to, you will be I believe that and what you embody Okay, I need help, we all do UH. To give a backstory, I am twenty seven years old. I have been married for a year and my husband and I have been together for five years. I've always been the main breadwinner.

I paid for my engagement, wing ring, wedding ring, and wedding out of my own pockets to take the stress away from my husband because he could not afford it. I am a makeup artist and I will finish UH a Esteticcian school in July. I aspired to be a celebrity m U a makeup artist and Estetician. Here is my problem. I feel like I have built resentment towards my husband because his work ethic isn't like mine. I feel as if he doesn't put forth the effort to

do better and want better. My mindset is like the val I have to be the breadwinner, A lack a little backstory. My mom died when I was two. My father and I have no relationship, and my grandmother didn't teach me anything about how to be a young lady, let alone a wife. Interesting. He hates talking about anything difficult with finances. Or we live with my grandmother and sleep on the floor because I made sure our three kids and they have three kids had rooms of their own. Wow? Wow?

How do I deal with this situation and not end up hating my husband? Also? Is there any advice you can give me to help get to my dreams. I work hard and constantly telling myself I will not be in the same place next year. I try to manifest my dreams and pray, but I am so lost. Please help, yo. We were just having this conversation the other day with the door. You're just having this conversation, all right, First and foremost when it comes to work ethics, right, you

may have may have a mindset like developed. But one thing I had to learn being married is that everyone's process is not the same. Just because you do things one way don't mean that it's the right way. That's just your way. That don't mean it he his way is wrong. But you do have to hold him accountable for holding up his end of the bargain if you guys have had a conversation about where he is and it's supposed to be in his career for example. This may sound sexist, okay, but I don't give a fuck.

If you ask a woman to marry you, it is my belief that is your responsibility to be able to take care of that woman, especially if you're gonna ask that woman to have children for you, because like we've learned over the past four births, anything can go wrong and there may be a point where your wife can

or cannot work. And if you're asking this woman to marry you and then asking this woman to have children for you, it has to be your responsibility to be able to maintain the household finances if she cannot work. So that doesn't mean that I don't believe a woman can't be the breadwinner, because a woman can be the breadwinner. But I do think this is a man's responsibility to be able to take care of the finances in the home. Whatever your wife makes, even if she's a breadwinner, is

extra her finance and go towards investments. You know, maybe they wouldn't have to live at your mom's house. If he was working and being able to take care of bills, and then you were still making more money, you can invest in other property, you can invest in other businesses, or even so even if you weren't working as much, you could be a stay at home dad but still be able to work enough to maintain the finances. Like because that's what we went through at one point in

our career in our marriage. Early on when I first retired from the NFL, I wasn't working full tom. I was a partial stay at home dad with Jackson. Codeine was a makeup artist, going to work every day for hours. That's that's part of our journey. I had the health insurance, so I was like, I'm gonna hold it down while you were building your business, so at least at home doing nothing, you were sol caretaker of our child at

the time. And I think there's maybe a level of complacency that her husband may have here too, because if you've always been the breadwinner, and you've always been you bought your own engagement when where it's like, what is that is it that he does he have to try for? What is he trying for? At this point? If she's done at all, you've been doing it all. So he just may also just be complacent with the fact that my wife is the breadwinner and we have the things

that we need. All three children have our own, their own room, but they sleep on the floor. Sleep on the floor in your grandmother's place. I see this is my I couldn't live with myself if my wife was the bread winner and had to sleep on the floor. Like it's different if this was like a sacrificial period in your marriagery, Like you know what, Yeah, we're going to sleep on this floor for the next year because we are both gonna bust our asks to save money

so that way we can find our own place or something. Um, But is there just like a level of comfort and complacency that he has sleeping on the floor in grandma's house. I don't have to be honest, I don't. I don't understand it. We we have we have another podcast coming

up talking about family and adults. I just, for the life of me don't understand how if you if your sole purpose is too not so purpose, but if your husband part of that being a husband, even if you're stay at home dad has to be to take care of your family. Yeah, you know what I'm saying. Like it it has to be because I can see resentment

buildings absolutely in the circumstance, especially since you're the go getter. UM. A piece of advice that I have for you as a makeup artist and esthetician, um, just be great at your craft. UM. I know, aspiring to be a celebrity makeup artist or celebrity this or that, UM seems like the best road sometimes. But just be great at what you are doing. Be great at your craft because sometimes your biggest clientele aren't the celebrity clients. Don't say you

made a lot more money. They are hard working every day women, um, who are going to be brides, who are going to be moms, Like I made a ton of money in the wedding industry. Actually as a makeup artist. Sometimes that celebrity makeup artist's life is not the movie because sometimes you have people wanting jobs done for free or for exposure that don't pay the bills. Well, that's

that's ultimately what happens. Once you become a celebrity makeup artist, then people try to up their rates so that the regular people have to pay more money for their time because their clients one of their clients is a celebrity. What I've learned, especially watching Codeine do this for years. I think you did it for almost almost almost a decade. Almost a decade, yeah different, almost a decade. Um. You

had those clients that were, like you repeat clients. So when you when you got a client for an engagement shoot, you then got them for a boudoir shoot. You then got them for their maternity shoot, You then got them for their wedding. And these are people that anytime they had an event, they contacted you and then they gave their friends your information. So sometimes it's not about the celebrity.

And I even learned this with my business. Remember I wanted when I started training, like I'm going to train NFL elite athletes don't pay this social media a Sometimes they don't. The client doesn't know tag the makeup artist at all. Does that tagging translate to money in the future. So that's something you want to think about. That's my business campaign, that's my business from the biggest clientele for you may just be your everyday woman, you know. Um,

but yeah, sorry, back to the task at hand. But I'm no Now I was just saying that, um, I think. And then this is what we talked about with the Nora. Right, anytime you have a marriage, you're going into a contract negotiation, right, so you have to say what are your terms for the agreement? I have to say what are my terms for the agreement? And this is why I remember when I say all the time marriage is a business. It

is a business. Right, you sign a contract, you get married, you share your taxes, you know, you divide up finances when you get married. You have to go into it knowing that I have to tell my spouse and this is something that we talked about with Katris. I have to tell my spouse what my wants and my knees are not only physically and mentally emotionally, but also financially. You know, where do we want to see ourselves in five years? And a lot of times these conversations aren't

had between people. Then you get married, and through the marriage you start to realize that this person's financial acumen is not the same as mine. There wants and needs aren't the same amount and resentment bills because he may become placing. He may be a great guy who just feels like, well, my wife got it, So we're good. So we're good, and you may be like, no, I want more. And if that's not his mindset, this is something that you should have discussed and say, hey, we're

at the top of the year. Usually Deval and I will sit, We'll have several different conversations at the top of the year. We will talk to ourselves, like self, what do I want for this new year, what is going to be my plan for the year, what's my next two year plan? With my five year plan? From this point on, we have a conversation as a couple.

We then have business conversations with our manager individually and then a couple like there are different conversations that need to be had, So I feel like this maybe it's worth having a conversation with him and putting yourselves on some sort of timeline, goal oriented plan, especially if you're feeling like you're needing some help um and you don't want the resentment to build, you know. And also I think like she's unhappy. No, it doesn't seem like she's unappy,

just needs help. And I feel like the world is changing. Like this idea that you have to exist in the space where the man is the breadwinner. It's not the reality anymore. There are some high earning women in the world who are going to earn more than their spouses regardless of what their spouses do. It's fine to say, you know what, we were married, we don't have traditional gender roles. She's the bread winner. Like, that's just there's

nothing wrong with it. And and also as a man, you can still find pride and taking care of your family even if your wife makes mo money in you, I ain't a lot of you. Regardless of how much money k has signed the deal with own tomorrow and be making fifty million dollars a year, that would make it a breadwinner. I'm still gonna pay all the bills in the house. Like that's just, that's just the way

our relationship works. And in Kal probably she just says all the time, when I started to make my millions, I'm gonna investing us things. I don't get no problem with that. Like I don't get no problem with that. You want me to dance for I got you, I

got you. I love that. But I also say to whoever is better equipped in that moment to deal with whatever the task is hand, sometimes deal with it that's deal with it for you, right, all right, y'all, If you'd like to be featured as one of our listener letters, email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com. That's d E A D A S S A d V I c E. He's about to try to cut me on at gmail dot com. Moment of Truth time. We cover so much in this episode even know what truth is? Right now, let me think I got my

moment of truth first. First, my moment of truth is for parenting, right, and because that's mainly what we were talking about, relationships and parenting. But Katrice pointed out something very important that I missed that I'm glad she pointed

it out. When you have children, right, children's relationships with the rest of the world are going to be dependent on mom's relationship with dad, dad relationship with mom, and then their relationship with the child, or mom's relationship with mom and dad relationship with dad, and then their relationship

with their parents. And that's important because now, as parents, you get to choose how you want your children to see you interact with your spouse every time you open your mouth in that house, so you have to be deliberate, you know, you and your your wife or you or your husband are going through something and your child is there.

Let me be very deliberate about how I deal with this situation, because my child, my child's relationships in the future, not just romantic relationships, relationships with friends, relationships with business partners, are all going to be predicated and how they see us deal with each other. So my moment of truth is be very cognizant of what your children see in that house and make choices that not only best suit yourself but also suit your child. That's so very good,

very very well said UM. I think my moment of truth is going to what Katrice said UM when she said, as a mom, I just had that gut feeling that I knew something was wrong. I feel like moms are gifted with this intuition that we just know that something may be wrong. And UM. I always encourage every mom or dad to go with that and not to take for granted that the family member is saying, oh, such and such was fine, or this person was fine, that person was fine, Oh the baby is just fine. You know.

I think there's been too much of that happening, particularly in our community, where we just kind of brush things off, or just say somebody will outgrow it, and then when they don't and they're not necessarily as productive as a member of society as we want them to be, were then shunning them or we're making fun of them, or we're laughing at them. UM, as a put in, as opposed to trying to find out early like she said, that early intervention phase of finding out what exactly is

going on, what makes my child take? Why isn't my child taking the way he or she should, and then being that advocate for them, speaking up for them, making

sure that they have the resources they need. And let's face it, UM, a lot of black and brown kids don't necessarily have the resources readily available and handy to them that they need, in part because sometimes we don't do our due diligence and do our own research, but in part because they kind of give us these circles and these hoops that we have to jump through in

order to advocate for our child properly. So I would encourage any parent, UM, if you see something with your child that you may feel like it's not necessarily the normal, don't always take the professional's word. As you know, as law and UM, sometimes you just have to do your own thing at home. And I think the benefit Katrice had was that during the pandemic she was really able to, like, hone in on Ashton, you know what we had this

time at home, we're together, let me try everything. And imagine how she felt because I felt it just being a mom as well when she said he's talking now and everything, the flash cards, the fish, the blue, the purple,

like he just it was just started coming out. So it wasn't in vain And I just got goose bumps in that moment for her because I just felt as a mom that sense of pride when you feel like wow, something was resonating this whole time and it was not in vain um and it was all for the betterment of the baby. So that's my MoMA is truth. That's a moment of truth. Thank you. I could tell you when your mama bear, I was meant to be. That's one thing I like. But we can coin that phrase

on you as a mom, to be a mother. That's me in my happiest state as a mom and a wife. Anyhow, yess y'all all know where to find me, right Kadan i am on Instagram or on social media rather, and of course we're at dead as the Podcast and I am devout and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be

sure to rate, review and subscribe. Dead as dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the Norapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the Podcasts and never miss a Thing