Knowing Our Kids Better Than They Know Themselves

Knowing your kids, don't just me knowing their.

Names, dead ass, because half the time we be calling every name but the name.

Of the child that you want in that moment.

I didn't even think about that when when I said it.

But you're right though, right.

But for me, it's although we encourage communication with our children, you still have to be the probing parents sometimes, dead ass.

Deadass.

Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoued and we're the Ellis's.

You may know us from posting funny videos with our.

Boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.

Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.

Yes, sir, we are.

We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics.

Things most folks don't want to talk about.

Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day.

So when we say dead we're actually saying the facts, one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Were about to take pilot off to our whole new level.

Dead ass starts right now. Storytime, Baby, what you got for over?

The time I got something that happened real recent.

I feel like so many of our like we've been talking a lot about parenting recently, because this is kind of the season that we're in, Yeah, with our kids being in so many different phases, and we're just like so many revelations.

I feel like that's happened in the past year.

Yeah, I feel like we've been away from them so much that it's like when we come back to them, it's like, man, how did I miss all of this?

I mean that kind of leads me to my story.

The story happened actually last night before we filmed this one this morning. But I'm just watching Jackson like throughout the the whole day, and I'm just looking at him and I'm like, yo, you good, bro, And he gets to put the head back like yeah, I'm good. So I'm like, okay.

They goes on.

I see he's very pensive, you know, he's doing when this a lot and rubbing his eyes like you're good, bro, you're good, and he's like, yeah, I'm good, dad, I'm good, Dad, I'm good. So finally at night he's getting ready to go to sleep, so all right, buddy, give me a hug right, so goes to give me a hug, and rather than let him just give me a hug and walk away, I hold on to him. And when I hold on to him, I feel him kind of relaxed in my arms for a minute, and then.

I feel like that like pull him back, and I said, what's up?

His eyes are all red and I could tell he's trying to like hold back tears. And I said, do you want to talk to me about something? He says, Oh, no, I'm good. I'm good, I'm good. I said, just go upstairs and talk. We walked away, went upstairs to talk, and he let me know exactly what he was going through.

So for karaoke karaoke time, can he picked the carry out? What version do you want to see?

The version that is more commonly known within the black community.

Yes, Yes, from a movie that you didn't watch, by the way.

Not until I met you.

Yes.

And I still was kind of like, I think I watched it too late because it wasn't funny when.

I watched it.

Well, I mean that happens with classics, right, Like if you watch stuff twenty years after it was made, that version of comedy is no longer.

Funny, right, sorry, Right, So when I watched it then I was kind of like, I don't get it. So I think I did myself with the service. I should have watched it then. Yeah, watched it again after the fact.

But at least you still understand the cultural significance. Oh, for sure, they all will understand it. When I say this, I believe chulding on our future teaching.

Wellway, y'all know that's wrong.

Showed them all the beauty, get them all the strang If y'all don't know, we're talking about coming to America, guys, sex you chocolate.

But no, Kate picked that.

Song because we're talking about our children and them actually being the future and knowing that they will not make it to the future. If we don't see them, that's effects. And when I mean see them, I means see.

Them, see them, feel them. Yes, we'll be back.

Let's pay some bills, and we're gonna expand a little bit more on storytime and how I came into the story time and we both sat and had a talk with Jackson before bed last night just to kind of prep them for the week.

So we'll be back, y'all stick around, all right, we're back.

So storytime, we're talking about Deval having a moment with Jackson where you know, he was really trying to be in control of his emotions, which is something that we're very big on in the household.

And it was part of the story you don't know about. I'm gonna tell you.

Tell me about it too, so maybe fill me in then and then i'll tell you when I came into the mix.

So we were downstairs, it was me, Josh, Matt, and Cheeto, and Cheeto was telling us his stories about being a single man in La and those stories led to us talking about, y'all, you have to be careful as a man to make sure no one takes advantage of you. And while we're talking about these stories and things that's happened to dudes, and it's all comedic and it's fun, and you know, Cheetoh's a good storyteller, Josh and Matt

Yeah, we heard you guys were having a really in depth conversation downstairs.

What it was about.

I seen that Jackson was quiet, and I took him upstairs, and that's why I was like, Yo, you're good. He's like, yeah, I'm good, and that's when I seen his eyes well up and I was like, yo, talk to me, what's up. And he had mentioned that he was just thinking about like life, and I was like, like, what you mean about life? And he was just like, you know, I hear y'all talking about, like, you know, be careful for women or people taking advantage of you, and it's just a lot to take in.

And I said, jack you're twelve.

We're talking about the club scene where you have to be at least twenty one to get in. So that's nine years, right, So you're not going to understand this. But I think it's important for you at twelve to sit in a room full of men who I trust. These are all my close friends, and if something is bothering you or you're unsure, ask you know, like I asked a question.

You should have said, cheetoh, like what do you what do you mean? You know?

And if Josh made a joke, you usually be like, j Josh, what do you mean by that? Like, you know, try to understand, because also he doesn't understand what's jokes and what's real, right, So sometimes and what I'm realizing is that when he hears some of the jokes, he doesn't understand that he's just a joke. So now he's thinking like, oh shoot, I gotta be an alert for that. And now it's it's overwhelming, so much to focus on.

He hasn't even scratched the service of the half of those things.

Yeah, and then that's when, you know, I came back downstairs and I had a full conversation with him in front of Matt and Josh and Cheeto, and I said, bro, you know, tell everybody you know how you feel. So and he told Me's like I was just a little concerned and overwhelmed. And then I could see on Cheetoh's face because Cheto, you know, he doesn't have kids. You know, Josh and Matt around our kids, and Josh has a daughter who's eight. I believe, so Josh, Gosh understands what

So I was just holding in. I was just going to go upstairs.

And that's what made me want to have the conversation on the podcast about being able to see your kids, not just be you know, I see my son, he's right there. No, I can see something that's going on with you.

And then when we went.

Upstairs to talk, he started to share more about some anxieties he was having about life in general, and about how overwhelming sometimes basketball and coding and tutoring and sometimes the pressure can be coming. That's when you walked in the I see. So it wasn't just about basketball and coding. It was about being twelve and feeling like he always has to get lessons taught about what to be aware of and the world can be daunting sometimes.

Oh absolutely.

I mean that middle school age is such a critical age and period for the development of boys and girls, right, And we speak freely in front of our children a lot of the times when we do have, like you said, trusted adults who can now say, hey, let's rally around. We talk about like having men in our corner who can be around our children at a live show, remember, Carter asked, right, yes, yeah.

She said, you know I have.

She's in the same sex relationship, and she said, I'm not a man, but my fiance has a son who's twelve, and I can't teach him how to be a man, So what's the best way to be able to help rally around him.

I'm glad you brought that up, because I should have said it that night, that I am a man, and I think I'm the most masculine, manly man that I could be, but I still surround my son with other men, and that's.

Where I'm going with it, you know, because sometimes Jackson doesn't want to hear from dad. Again, think about how many times you've told him some things and he's now heard it from a different perspective, from Jay or from Roger or somebody else, and then it clicks differently because it's a different perspective that's just echoing what you think. So the fact that you have and we have a village of strong men who we trust around our son, I think is invaluable.

But also Jackson's not the kid that.

Takes things for surface value either. Like he is a thinker. He's a thinker, he internalizes, he's an EmPATH. So because of that, it is very necessary I think, for him especially to have those touch bases, which you then in turn had. And then I walked into him saying like, Okay, what's too much? What are some things that are on your plate right now that maybe we have to alleviate so that way you can enjoy And he said, you know, I just want sometimes to come home and play with

Why I don't have as much basketball.

I'm like, bro, say less, I only do these things and enroll you in these things because you show.

I'm yeah do that as a mom.

You definitely don't say you gotta do this, you say you want to do this.

I'm an find out where I'm.

Gonna find the best place. I'm a research I'm gonna pull out all the reinforcements. But it's according to what you want to do. I'm never going to push anything on you. So I said, you wanted to take a break from coding in a previous football season because it was a lot, we can take a break during basketball season. And he says it, okay if I take it up

Well.

That's also why I said preface it by saying, make sure you see your children. Because Jackson and I also had a brief conversation. I said, I didn't want to push it too much, but we were talking about the dating process and I saw him getting emotional and getting kind of like overwhelmed. So then we went upstairs and I said, hey, you're doing this that I said, you know, are you attracted to women? Are you attracted to men? Like I had that conversation too, and he's like, no,

So you know, I'm accepted. I'm attracted to women.

I just want And I said, I'm just asking because I want you to know now that if you're not and that if you are attracted to them, and this is something that we can talk about and it's something that you can walk in and you can feel safe here. But it's important to see your children when they're going through something and make it clear to them that no matter what you're going through, I'm here.

Oh for sure, I'm here.

When he talked about, you know, being overwhelmed, I said, dude, if you want to quit basketball tomorrow, stop, you're twelve. You know you don't have to play basketball your whole life right, and when I tell parents because I have a unique perspective being a mentor for twelve years touring young men and women over five between five hundred and seven hundred young.

Men and women.

I've watched these men and women, young men and women, go through so many different versions of themselves, and I've watched how they've changed. I've also noticed how middle school is that fork in the road. Yes, the middle school is that that time where if they don't believe that someone in their life is in their corner.

Or they're not confident in who they are becoming, they're.

Going to find someone to advocate for them. And that advocation I don't even know if there's a word advocacy.

Advocacy and come from the streets, and I don't want that.

For my kids or from a very poor source, right meaning their friends who are also not equipped.

That's what I mean by the streets right outside, not a glimpse.

To be able to tell them anything. Social media, whatever it is, because it's but so much that you can protect your children from. So that's why so much of it starts at home. And I think that's why you and I are so like hands on in that sense.

With them people.

I want to see my kids, to see them through I want to say, I want to every every day my boys come home. They have a responsibility. You got to confine me, find your mother, say what's up. I want to hug you right after school. I want to look in your eyes right after school. I was school today. And if I asked you out of school today and your head go down and you look, what's up?

What's what happened in school?

Exactly?

If you're smiling, then I know everything is good.

When I look in your eyes and your eyes are a little glossy and you look a little yellow wish, I'm like, you ain't feeling good.

Let me feel you.

Let me give me Let me check the temperature.

You know what good for that because I want to get the real temperature. Like I got to touch your brain.

In my ear? My bad I still is still ringing it. I hope I can't. I can't hear.

Can hear me?

I can't hear? You want to? I want to know.

It's just as parents, sometimes we get caught up in our own lives, and we also get caught up and work and stuff. That when your kids come in and out of the house. You don't even realize who your child is. I remember when I used to do social media checks at Prototype and it was guaranteed. I mean was it was. It was what's the word, It was mandatory. It was mandatory that if you're going to join the program, I have to have access to your Facebook, Instagram and

I don't. I don't know. I don't know whose phone it is, but I have it.

And there's definitely a Snapchat and an Instagram, and there's definitely profile pictures, and there's definitely messages being sent between your child and members. And I think you might want to see it because the stuff that I'm seeing could be classified as child pornography. And that's when I seen parents go, I forget.

There's probably like as a percentage. But I saw somewhere I think it was Ashley Chia, my girl that posted it, and she said, like, your children pretty particularly once they reached middle age school age.

Middle school age, middle age school, Like, damn, go to.

School, middle age, middle school age, you don't really know who your child is.

And I laughed at that.

Because I'm just like, damn, when I was in middle school, high school, then my parents really know who that was?

No, because I love doing ship.

Getting into ship okay, because I was so.

Like protected that I was like, God, I just want to do all the things.

Seventh grade is when I fell in love with Booty.

That's Jackson's.

Seventh grade is when I fell in love with boot That's when I started grabbing girls butts and girls, was putting stuff in my pants and trying to play.

Hide and go get it.

Like, seventh grade is when kids start to experiment with each other.

And you know what I'm saying that their parents something completely different, Like my parents would have never been like my in high school that had been.

Like quiet boy, quiet boy. They ain't know you was a freak, your pin your mom still don't know you a freak.

Period.

She was at the live podcast called Show Like This.

For Mimi was at the lie I told her I already told her. She was just like, I don't understand why. I'm the only parent who hasn't been to a show yet, and I don't know. I said, the Valles parents came because they have a sense of humor.

I said, you don't have that what I'm saying, and Dad just that is just happy to be there. I said, you're the one that judges, so I can't have you judging me while I'm on stage performing for these people. Sorry, she said, she just she just closed her ears.

She closed her eyes as your ass swallowed that freaking every show, even though they tried to cheeks, they tried to TD cake, except kept coming out that swallow.

Triple is wild for that video. It was the funniest ship ever. She was like, I don't want to get in trouble posting it. People think I didn't get your permission. I was like, triple post that ship.

I was like Kermit with the head on the put on, like post it and pin pin.

My comments is because that shit is hilarious.

It was funny.

A whole mess. All right, let's jump into some facts and stats.

We're talking about how well you know your children and making that probing parenting something that is regular in your household. Experts believe that a parent's intuition is real and is defined as an innate ability to know what is best for your child. I think all parents are pretty much born with that when your children or your.

Child is born, such is the parents intuition.

Parents intuition is also defined as gut feelings, the idea of making decisions without analytically without analytical reasoning. Experts say gut feelings are signals from the brain to the gastro intestinal track and vice versa, when.

You feel nervous and anxious and normal to take a shit, like.

Nah, bro, I felt like that before every show. But I didn't have.

To poot, but it was like, you feel like you gotta go. Experts believe that nonverbal cues may account for up to ninety three percent of communication. General nonverbal cues include body language, hand gestures in touch, tone of voice, facial expression, eye contact, space, and physical boundaries.

So huge, I.

Want to talk about each one of these. Body language, right, I've learned this from mentoring the kids. Yeah, anytime something was wrong with the kids. With a child, I could tell from the minute they walked in the gym when their shoulders were slouched when they're walking a step slower, when they're.

Away from the group, hanging low.

That's that's the first sign.

Sluggish, sluggish, slout shoulders, you know, not looking up.

I'm like, something is wrong.

So I would watch they say wait of the world right on their shoulders.

And I would watch how they interact with their peers for us. Right then I look at hand gestures in touch. Yo, let me get a pound. Right, You go to give a kid a pound, they give you to death fish pound. You grab their hand, you know what I'm saying. You go to grab their hand and they just let their hand die in your hand. It's almost like they've given up. It's like, what's what's going on?

What's good? Tone of voice?

No, no, no, I'm good, the fake smile. But they don't look you in your way, They don't look.

You in the eyes. See. Eye contact is the mainly thing with Jackson. Look at me, look at me?

How many times we say that, look at me?

And when I look him in his eyes when something's wrong, you know what happens, tears, tears, When he's fine, he's.

Like Cairol is the same way.

Eye contact is probably ninety nine percent of the nonverbal cues. If your child cannot look you in the eye without breaking down, something is going on because they know their parents know, and they don't want you to know what's going on, so they're trying to hide it. And then when they looking in your eyes and their eyes start to well up and you so I can see because Jackson knows to say, are you about to cry? I'm not a muggle cry, said Jackson, your eyes are well

Fall, because that'd be the worst.

Two when you're trying to not cry. And then somebody keeps telling you, I see you're about to cry. That makes the cry like literally like on the verge, on the tip, like about to fall. Always but these are so it's so spot on. You're absolutely right about they're absolutely right about all this.

One thing I know about Jack's two space and boundaries.

When Jackson doesn't want to tell me something but he wants me to probe and figure out. He's always around me orbiting, orbiting, and it's like he's orbiting and talking about something that has nothing to do with nothing, right, you know, He's like he's just.

Kicking the can. He's moving around, and I'm just like, yo, what's up?

Trying to figure out when's the best time to say something about it.

And they often say this, Jacks, what's up? Huh huh?

When I by here the huh I know something? What you mean? Huh? Nothing? Nothing? Nothing?

Okay, But you're standing here, but you're not talking to me. You're not looking at me. You don't want to play pool, you don't want to work out something. What's going on?

No?

I was just you know, I'm just a little concerned because all right, whatever you now, I'm starting to.

Say, let's talk about it.

That happened one time with the grade that he got.

He wasn't happy about and he knew I wasn't gonna be happy about it, but he knows I check his grades every week, so he knew it was coming. It was almost Friday, and he was just like, shit, the grades are probably going.

To go in.

Yeah, let me get before the problem and just let mom know and prepare for it and say, you know what, Mom, I that was my bad.

I didn't do X y Z, I should have been better prepared, YadA, YadA, YadA. So everything that I told him that I would have told him.

He told me to tell like he's telling him yah, yeah, because he knew exactly where I would have go with it. But I'm like, that's progress because at least now he's holding himself accountable.

He know that he didn't do anything.

That's the consequence for not doing your stuff, and you got to deal with it. As your child develops communication skills, they will use a range of nonverbal cues to convey messages or feeling.

And that's that's where we are with all of them, because i know we're talking about Jackson a lot now because he's in that middle school range. But I've noticed that with Kiro and Kaz as well. When something's not right with them, they tend to probe around me because they don't know how to say it. But it's like they know that my dad will figure it out. And I Kaz, who's the most nonverbal of all of them, he'll just come and he'll just sit and I'm like, what's up, what's up?

Bro? Nothing? Why not with your brothers? Quiet?

Quiet, just sitting there, quiet, And I'm like, you just want to sit with dad for a minute, And he's like yes.

He does the same thing with me, Tom, can we sit on the couch together? And I'm sure. And sometimes he just wants he wants his time.

He wants his time. Yeah, so yeah, and I just give him them. Like sometimes in the mornings before school who have breakfast, will have a couple of minutes before he has to get dressed, and he says, can we snuggle on the couch and they'll come over.

I think that it's important for you to give him that time too, because that creates a safe space where they also know that something doesn't always have to be wrong to be with my parents, I.

Just want to spend time with my parents and that's okay.

And that may be his cry in that moment for like, okay, I haven't had that one on one time with my mom in a minute, So this is me asking for that, and I always make sure that I give it to him. Cairo is a little bit more like he'll look at you and he won't say anything, you know, but you can.

See it all his eyes.

Is like all four of them. It is in his eyes and he's super sensitive.

He gonna let it out.

That's usually his biggest gripe now is losing seven.

Sucks. I'm like Yo, your brother is five years older than you.

My g you're not going to beat him in one on one right now in a basket where your brother does not have to jump to dunk. Bro, he's web beat right now, and you, Steph Curry, Okay, just relaxed like he's.

Because then he'll start rolling out all the stats, all the stats. Oh my goodness. How do you distinguish your parents intuition from your own fear or personal anxiety that you have while parenting.

That's a good question, because I don't know.

I think sometimes it gets muddled for me, at least my parents intuition versus just like trying to save them from the things that I fear happening. That's hard for me as a mom, particularly because I know you've said, like you got to let them live, but it's just like the struggle with seeing like Dan, this could potentially be a detriment, but.

I gotta let them do it.

I know the stakes are low because they're younger now, but I can just foresee that being probably more of an issue for me as they get older.

But that should be what you what you fall on for me, That's what it is.

Ituation versus fair no, no, understanding the stakes are low. So whatever they fail at now or they're not good at now they're two, six, seven and twelve, is it really that big of a deal. No. And I've learned to curb my own fear and anxiety about feeling for myself. So for me is if I've learned to not even think about fear, like, I really don't care about fear or failing. You're going to fail at everything you try

You know what I'm saying.

And that's how I kind of curb my anxiety because I just don't I don't care what they do, Like I don't care what Kirokas Jackson and the Code to do for fun, what they do for a profession. I just want them to enjoy their life. That I've been able to accept that my anxiety about what they do is like non existent.

Jacksons about to start AAU.

He's gonna be playing on the Nike eybl circuit, the toughest circuit in all the basketball. I don't care. I'm just gonna be some tournaments. I'm not going to go. Just because Kyro was starting track and so it was Kaz, I can't go Jacks And now I'm watching him kind of be like, there's not that bigger deal, Like no Jack U twelve.

That's it playing basketball.

You're with the trusted adult. Go do your thing. Have fun.

That's all.

Our biggest thing is have fun. We want you to have fun.

But I will always keep my eyes on my kids.

Oh I get it.

Jackson's gonna be playing on the even Nike ybl circuit. No, no, no, he's going to be with Jay. So he's going to be with someone that I picked, that I trust.

Oh for sure.

So I don't have to.

Worry about what's happening because I already know Jay. So my eyes are already there, yo, j just tell me what happens.

That's the fact that's in the village, baby, the beauty in the village. All right, y'all, we're gonna take a quick break and move into listen letters.

But let's do some ads first and then we will be back. All right. You want to go first, babe, or should I?

It's up to you, baby, whatever you want to do.

I guess I'll dive in. What up though?

What up?

Though? Hey?

Can't wait to see you guys in Dallas and New York. Oh shit, So here we are after the fact, and we've seen you in Dallas in New York.

You hope you had a great time.

I couldn't celebrate my birthday in the month of January due to work, so I'm making this trip my birthday trip.

Yes, a month late, because why the hell not.

That's the spirit baby, because I celebrated forty all the way up to it and still can be celebrating in the year of forty with Tobell because if it's his birthday, it's my birthday too.

I knew that was coming. I knew that anyway.

I've been a listener for a little while now, and I appreciate your podcast because it's the first time I allow myself to be inspired instead of intimidated.

That's a really good way of looking at it. That's dope.

It's also helped me address my imposter syndrome and social anxiety instead of allowing them to be an unnecessary barrier.

I love that.

Not getting too deep into the minute of why I'm writing in today, but I just turned twenty nine, and I've recently taken the time to see what i want and what I'm meant to do. Prayer time and silence and a whole lot of talking to myself revealed something I'd known for a long time and gave me permission to dream, dream big, and bet on myself. I used to allow people to make me feel bad for being

Do you really want to start a podcast? You'd ask Trible?

Oh yeah, astrible girl, as Trible ask Trible.

That being said, how do you align yourself to the career of your dreams with zero resources to begin with?

Well, tribles a resource first and foremost.

Sometimes I find myself doing research and I feel like I don't know what I'm searching for. I've taught myself pretty much everything as far as I can remember. I damn near raised myself. However, one thing God has shown me time and time again is that doing it alone is a recipe for destruction. Being stuck isn't an option, much like losing. So how do you align yourself with the path that you don't know how to carve?

Yours? Truly? Your favorite awkward black girl, that's a great letter.

That's a great letter.

But to be honest, man, I think that that's everybody struggling and they feel like they don't have resources, when in actuality there's resources everywhere. I remember when I first got out of the NFL, I was like, I don't know how to get into acting. And then I just thought for a minute, and I was like, oh shoot, my aunt Adrian's been acting since I was alive. Let me ask her where to start yep, and she pointed me in the right direction. She asked me, she said, listen,

It's a charity.

Do you have any resources? The moral of the story is there are tons of resources around. People typically don't know how to ask for help, or they're afraid to ask for help because they might get laughed at or shot down. Lastly, the greatest Internet you have, I mean the greatest resource you have is the Internet. You can literally google anything to figure out and once you figure out what it is you want to do, you have to use discernment to figure out what's bullshit and what's real.

Yeah, that's great advice, I think, because, like you said, we all just had moments where it's like, I want to do this, but how do I start, especially if it's an unconventional path or route Like for me. When I was in school, for example, I was a great student because I said, all right, I need to do X Y Z classes with this many credits to be able to get.

This degree perfect.

And then once I graduated from school and you're out in the real world now trying to actually find a job and make something of yourself and start the career. It's that much more difficult because you're just like, Okay, I don't know how to actually navigate a field that doesn't necessarily have a cookie cutter blueprint of how you're supposed to do things, particularly the arts or performance. That was hard for me in the beginning. So I understand

So what are you most passionate about right now?

Because doing a lot of busy work is the ideal way to what they say, move but not go anywhere.

Yeah, movement is not progress moment.

Yes, you can do jumping jacks in place for an hour, and you can move for an hour, but you haven't progressed anywhere. Or you can jog for an hour and you can go somewhere and you can see different parts. And that's just an analogy because some people doing jumping jacks still helps you progress physically. But the point is is that all movement is not moved.

The movement is exactly if it's just busy work.

To go back to what you said, I think is very important. You have so many different things. You can be a jack of all trades, but you will be a master at none. And ultimately, mastery is the only way you can be compensated for the work that you do.

Yep. And in order to be a master at something, it takes.

A thousand move It takes a thousand movements for that movement to become muscle memory.

Once you have muscle memory, that's when you become a.

Master, and you still have to perfect it there, you have.

To perfect it.

But the problem is is that if you're all over the place and you're working on this one day and that one day and this one day, you've never took your time to do the thousand movements to become a master.

You spread thing because you don't need about five thousand movements exactly, you know what I'm saying. As you spread it across all of the different things you want to do, versus focusing on one thing, so that won't mean that for me would be the biggest advice to you is that it seems like you have a lot figured out, you believe in yourself. You're just like, fuck what everybody else got to say? That's exactly how we feel. Just try to focus that energy on something specific in that moment,

Now I'm working on what's the business going to be? You know what I'm saying. So there was a succession of things that happened over.

Time because we started putting the work and the energy into one thing that helped.

To propel us into something else.

So I hope that's helpful for you, our favorite awkward black girl. Thank you for coming on tour with us to Dallas and New York. We hope you had an amazing time.

Number two, Hey, Kadeen and Daval, I love you guys and your family so much.

We love you too. I need some advice and want to get your perspective.

I'm twenty seven years old and have been with my fiance twenty eight for ten years and engage for almost two years now. My fiance has gotten to the point where he just wants to go to the courthouse and get married and not have a wedding or reception due to finances at this time. I'd personally rather wait and save to have a wedding ceremony. I don't want this big, lavish wedding. I just want something small and intimate with close friends and family.

Am I being so for wanting to wait?

My fiance states he's ready for me to be his wife and move forward with building a life together. For years, we've talked about getting married, and now that the moment has come, I don't want this special moment to be rushed. We have had ups and downs in our relationship but have always managed to make it through and the love we have for each other is endless.

What should I do?

When do you know you? When did you know you were ready to get married? Are you ever really fully ready for marriage?

Man? This is literally us at twenty seven to twenty eight.

So here's the biggest advice I can give you. We can't give you advice. You have to speak to him. He has to speak to you. You two have to decide what's in the best interest for each other as a collective and individually and make a decision.

If I were to sit here and say.

Definitely, don't get married and don't have the big wedding, but then you guys regret it later on as bad advice. If I tell you to have the wedding and do something or do something you love, but then you don't have the finances to create the life.

You want, that would be bad advice.

Moral of the story is only you two can decide what's in the best interest for each other. And that's how Kadeen and I decided what was in the best interest for each other. We talked about it, we talked about it, we made a decision, and once we made a decision, we stuck with the decision no matter what happens after that. Because there's no book to life, right, all you have to do is make a decision. You make choices, and after you make that choice, you deal

Yeah, and and to piggyback off of that everything you said was completely accurate.

I agree.

Don't hold any standards of what you guys should do based on other people and what they're doing. And it's particularly hard in the social media age. Like we got married thirteen years ago when social media wasn't huge or wasn't a thing, but now it seems to be. There's that you know that it's like an unspoken competition for

I agree, But most something you said didn't make a lot of sense. Don't don't sacrifice the rest of your life for one day. A lot of people think this is what but this is important to me. So one day is more important than the rest of your life. And I'm not saying don't have a wedding. What I'm saying is, when you're making these decisions, just think about the reality of.

That of that for sure that this.

Is one day and then there's the rest of your life.

That's a fact. But don't wait the rest of your lives to write us at Deadass Advice at gmail dot com because we enjoy these listener letters so much.

So if you have something that you're debating, you know we still have Dead Ass Court kind of sort of happening from the live show. This is like our version of it here with the listener letters, we're trying to.

Give you guys the best advice as possible.

So if you want to be featured as a listener letter, be sure to email us at dead Ass Advice at gmail dot com.

That's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com.

All right, moment of truth. We're talking about the babies like we always are, knowing your kids parents intuition, being the probing parents, seeing and feeling your children.

What you got for us, babe.

My moment of truth for this one is simple. Right.

Probing as a parent is your right because you are responsible for that human right. Probing doesn't mean that you violate boundaries, you sneak in their room. Probing means you can look at your children in the eyes, you can hug them, you can feel them, and you can tell without them having to say a word. Exactly what's going on.

M period, dope.

My moment of truth is as a parent, never underestimate the power in nonverbals with your children. And that's just connection that's looking into their eyes, making that eye contact, the hug. I believe it's like something like seven or twelve seconds or something like that. There's a certain amount of time that you're supposed to hug someone for there to be that transfer connection energy and connection and the

There's one thing I for to add I didn't tell us. There's one thing I do with all of my sons. I hug them and I say, did I tell you I love you today?

And you do?

I do it to you all the time. And I asked them and they'll either say yes or no. And when they say yes, I say when and they have to tell me when, and I say did you tell me back? And the reason why I do that is because when they see me now, they know my dad is going to ask me this question and they feel like my dad cares absolutely and they want to know that we and they.

Don't want days to pass before Dad.

No every day. Yes, it sounds like a lot, but realistic. Think about it.

For you to hug your child and say did I tell you I love you today? That you can never be too busy to do that because my children will say to me.

Dad, you didn't tell me you hugged me today? You love me today?

And I'd be like I didn't and they'd be like no, and then I have to think about it. I'm like, come in and I'm like and I'll punch him like why didn't you come over? I can hug you, and then they grab me and we're like wrestling stuff. But it also puts accountability as a parent when your child can tell you and tell me you love me today and.

They just reciprocated naturally, because I get a ton of just I'm in the kitchen cooking, washing dishes, whatever, and Jackson'll come put his arm around you.

I love your mom. You're a great mom, like your great son. Like you know.

Those moments are just they're doing and they're living exactly what we're doing and preaching, you know. So all right, y'all, be sure to follow us on social media if you are not already.

Dead Ass the Podcast is our page.

I'm Kadeen and I am and then we have Patreon, Patreon Gangganggang. That's where you see exclusive dead Ass podcast content, video after show, all decay more, exclusive ellis content. Were you at on social media?

Baby, y'all know me?

I am Deval And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review, and subscribe and make sure you get your copy of We Over Me, The Counterintuitive Approach to Getting Everything you want out of your relationship.

Dead Ass Baby.

Cut. Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network, and it's produced by Donor Opinya and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and never miss a Thing