Just Add Hot Sauce with Alex Hill

The most dreaded question to other every mother in America, Mom, what's for dinner?

Half the time I don't even be knowing and not neat ideas well, okay, have no fear, just had hot sauces here.

I love that for me because she has all the tips and tricks. Dead ass, y'all. Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.

You may know us from posting funny videos with our voice and reading.

Each other publicly as.

A form of therpy. Wait, I'll make you need therby most days. Wow.

Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.

Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.

Things most folks don't want to talk about.

Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

We thought to take Bilotov to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now.

All right, story time, So I'm going to take you back to a few thanks given to go. I want to say a few. It's probably like twelve at this point, right. I've been with my husband for twenty two years, married fourteen, and this is around like the twelve year Markkay had been in his family for a long time, and you know, food is the way to the man's heart, among other things.

But food was definitely.

Up there for my husband.

And he's from a Southern American background, and there were certain things that I just had to learn how to make because his mom made it, or his aunt made it, or his grandmother or grandfather, somebody made it in the family and they made it to a.

Level of excellent.

See that I had so much pressure around trying to match that, right, So I kind of sat in the wing for a couple of years. If they ever wanted any Caribbean food, I'm your girl, right, sign me up. If I wasn't making it, I'd have my mom or dad or grandma somebody make it for them.

Yeah, but there was an intimidation factor that I felt. Southern food is very intimidating because it.

Is one of those things that you just have to get right, Like you will get your black card revoked, you will get uninvited to the barbecue. If these dishes don't slap. So let me tell you about my moment now, Okay, all was it a good or bad moment?

Well, let's see.

Okay, Okay, So about twelve years ago, it's Thanksgiving time, right, Devo's aunt Monique is always in charge of the sweet potato castrole. Okay, that's the thing. So candied jams people again make it different ways. She makes it into kind of like a castrole soul situations.

Fine, yeah, okay, see, I make mine very good.

So she had told me over the years, and I've kind of just always had it, and she would just tell me, oh, you just you know, you just put a little bit of this of that.

There's never really like an actual recipe to it.

Yeah.

And I said to her, I said, you need to like develop some sort of recipe because.

This is like restaurant worthy. Yeah, cast role, Like I need to have this.

So one day she had me do a whole little like lesson with her while she made some and then I said to her, I'm going to try to.

Do this on my own.

This one particular Thanksgiving, Aunt Monique was not in town, okay, and I kind of threw my hat in the ring as the menu was being assembled in the group chat and I said, I'll do this sweet potato casserole Aunt moniques monique supertado castroll right, And when she gave me the lesson, I didn't write everything down, but I kind of have like a general idea because that's typically how we cook. We could vibes the ancestors are telling them, you know what they're telling us what to do. It's

Yeah.

I grew at my in law's house and everything is set up. Apparently my father in law he didn't know who was making what. He was like, I'm just here for a good time. I'm here for my plate.

Yeah whatever.

So I quietly sat around as everyone made their plates and stuff like that. So he in particular is like the connoisseur of like food tasting. He just won't tell you, like down to a science, what's.

In certain dishes.

Yeah.

So I see him eating, and I see him go for this week potata casserole, and he kind of like hmm, you know, and then he's making your nerves or like yeah. So I'm like, because my father, like my father in law might disown me at this time. And I see him going and he's like hmm. And then he looks up and he says, did Monique make this before she left?

And I said no, I made it. He said, baby, you made that.

I thought it was gonna be bad. Oh my god, that he feels so good. Baby. I said, yes, I made this.

He said, you sure Monique didn't make this before she left to go away to wherever she went.

I said no.

I said, well, it is pretty much her recipees. I didn't write it down, but I kind of just went off of the vibes. And he was like, well done, well well done, young grasshopper.

I love that. O excite.

I love that because listen, that could have completely ruined Thanksgiving.

Yeah, and I was able to live to see another day. Thanksgivings A it's a very I would not. I took on Thanksgiving a couple of years ago from my mom. But it's an intimidating holiday. It really is in the black household, especially Hispanic caribbee all like, it's holds no bars, it told no literally, it's especially the mac and cheese.

Yeah, there's certain dishes that Yeah, it's just what it is. Yeah.

So that was my cooking story about the time I made sweet potato cash role for Thanksgiving from my in laws and everybody enjoyed the end.

I thought it was gonna be bad because I have a bad one. Also save that I haven't okay say that one.

Save that one.

When we come back to story time.

All right, now, you know this would not be an episode without karaoke time. So my guests today, Okay, what are we feeling for karaoke?

Hey? This is my go to karaoke song.

Oh yeah, to have to carry let's do it touch my body? Okay ahead, go ahead, start us off, Start us off, Touch my body, throw me on the floor.

He browny me some more.

You know how, sometimes you don't realize what the words are until you actually break it.

Down during karaoke.

During karaoke, Yeah, you dirty, dirty, Touch my body, Rustle me to the floor, Wrestle me to the floor.

No wait, touch my body, throw me on the floor, wrestle me around.

Hey, play with me some more.

Hey, touch my body, my hair or something like that, something like that.

Yeah, something everywhere? Yeah, whatnot.

Well, it's giving after a nice meal and a full belly, touch my body, touch my body, baby, that's giving all the vibes. But let's go ahead and pay some bills real quick. Yes, and we will come back and we will dive into the meat of the show with my very special guest today. I'll introduce her when we get back.

If you have not found out about her yet, you've been under a rock.

Alex sale is.

A culinary genius, chef and host of the cooking show Spice Spice Baby on Taste Made. Alex is passionate about bringing people together through food. The dishes she shares on her blog just add Hot Sauce are easy, yet innovative and can be enjoyed by the aspiring show chef or someone just getting their feet wet in the kitchen, or a mom who is looking to answer the question what for dinner?

The intro, Wow, Welcome to the show, Alex.

This so one thing we're about here on Dead as Podcasts and particularly on a day with Kate, is giving people their flowers while they're here to smell and to hold and to enjoy. So thank you so much for joining me here today, Thank you for thinking of me, and I'm excited to be here. Absolutely, you made that

Very I love that.

Yes, I love that. Thank you very much, and I appreciate it. You're so welcome.

So go back to Thanksgiving.

Now, you said you had a bad story, because mine was one of those things where baby, you could have put a sash and a crown on my head.

So mine wasn't Thanksgiving, okay, but because it was a black Southern household, it was in college. Ooh, and it reminded me of my fried chicken story because to this day I hate frying chicken because of that time.

Oh no, So I had a boyfriend at the time.

I was like I think twenty or something like that, and I was still cooking, but obviously like I'm in college, like I'm not like perfecting like what I love right right, And I was like, ooh, I'm going to make like a soulful Sunday's like meal.

This was before hashtags, right before before hashtags.

And I was like, invite your friends. So it was him and his two best friends, okay, and then my best friends. I was like, I'm going to make fried chicken. I'm gonna do like sweet potatoes because my mom gave me a sweet potato cashle that I've been using for years, mac and cheese. She gave me her recipe. So I was frying the chicken and you know, like you're supposed to fry chicken that is at roomtown temperature. Yes, I did not do that, and so I was just like

There's probably nothing worse to bite into than raw, raw chicken.

And it's so dangerous it is. Yeah, it's giving old salmonilla. Yeah. Yeah.

To this day, I like I have my meat thermometer, because I just remember the twenty year old Alex that undercooked chicken.

That undercooked chicken.

Yeah.

And is he still around.

No, he's married with kids now, yeah, God, because why his wife fries chicken?

He does. No, I'm joking, okay, but I will never forget that day. No, I hear you. Oh my god.

I think we've all had those moments too. We had flops in the kitchen as well. Yeah.

I remember the time my mom made like hamburger helper. She's like, it's something different, and we're like, just give us the curry chicken.

Right.

We never said we were tired of it. We never said we were.

Tired of it.

So you said twenty year old Alex at the time was just kind of still getting her feet wet in the cooking space.

So where did this all start for you?

I know you said you started cooking at eleven, yes, but at what point did you say.

I'm actually pretty good at this and I like it.

So it was so I wanted to go to culinary school outside of high school, and my mom, being a Puerto Rican mother from Brooklyn, she was like absolutely fucking not exactly because she let me cook when I was younger every weekend, and she was like, I think you really like cooking.

Like she just poured into me. And I don't think she knew what she was doing.

Back then, but now, like my whole career is a love letter to her. And so I was like, I think I want to go to culinary school and she was like no.

So I went to Hampton. Best decision in my life.

HBCU down like loving, but cooking kept following me, and I was like, I think I really want to do this. I majored in PR and marketing, and when I went to New York, I kept going to culinary school open houses, and every time I got to like the end when they impressed you with like the school and everything, They're like, okay, forty thousand dollars And I was like, I don't have that again. I just paid for Hampton, Like I'm already in student loan debt, but I sure do something like that.

No, Like I come on before you go, yeah you go.

So I was like my mom was like, Okay, if this is what you really want to do, let's figure it out. And so I was like, I don't want to ask you for money you just paid for for school.

So I was like, I can't do that.

So I just kept teaching myself Magazine's YouTube university all of that, and because like I loved cooking so much, I started my food blog in twenty seventeen, just as like an outlet to be like, okay, like I just want to put myself out there, okay. And then it was actually like I knew I enjoyed cooking. I knew I was good at it because I would always cook for my friends. But I was at a cooking class because I just wanted to take cooking class for fun, and the.

Girl was like do you cook or something?

Because like she kept asking, like the instructor kept asking questions. I would answer, and so one of the girls like do you cook or something like like what is it? And I was like no, I just like really enjoyed cooking. So I went home to my boyfriend at the time and I was like, I think I want to do like a cooking class. And that was in twenty nineteen. Even though you know that you have a god given talent, but you're just like, I don't know, like a.

Lot of times we question it. Yeah, impostor syndrome.

And pastor syndrome for sure, and the and in twenty twenty is when I started my cooking class. And then that's when everything took off for me. I really in me and I started my food blog in twenty seventeen. Imposter syrnderm stopped me a lot, and I was just like, I don't know, like you know.

So that's interesting. Twenty seventeen, fast forward to twenty twenty. It's when you start your cooking class. Yeah, And this is just twenty twenty four, and I feel like you've made so many strides since then. But I guess that's a testament to following what you feel in your heart is your God given talent or passion. Yeah, because some people think they could cook chat and they can't, right right, Like they literally can't. Yeah no, and some people really just can't just can't.

Yeah. Oh, people don't enjoy it and I enjoy it.

Are you fearful that being in a space like this where you're cooking now as a profession, that you'll lose that love for it?

Because I've heard that's a possibility for people like I.

Enjoy it so much because I was really shy when I was younger, and so cooking for me was like and people don't belie I was shy.

I was like, yes, I was actually very shy.

So cooking for me was just like an outlet that like I could be myself. I can just cook because like my first dish was vanilla lime fly and my mom was like, why do you want to cook that? I was like, I don't know. I just watched Emery Lagasi, like I just want to cook this. And so I think for me, it's such like a self care process of cooking and seeing something from start to finish that I don't want everyone to burn out from it. But now it's what I do and I still enjoy it.

And yeah, of course you gotta stay balanced.

For sure.

Do you ever aspire to get into the space of maybe having your own restaurant or being in a restaurant? And the reason I asked was because I know it's a known fact that the culinary industry, much like many are male dominant.

Yeah, most of the white male dominant.

Ye.

And you being a black.

And Latino woman, how do you see yourself in that space or do you even see yourself in that space.

So I oh my god, I just got chills.

I think because I'm finding like saying outlaw, like, do want to own something very small? Okay, like a coffee shop, cafe? Uh huh, like geared towards like my Puerto Rican side.

Okay, so living like sandwiches, babe, sandwich Like I can see that for you.

Yeah, like something just very cozy and like, yeah, I've really been thinking a lot about it, and I think that's what I want to do. Uh huh, terrify.

I mean, I think we all are when it comes to something new. Yeah, have you experienced though, any kind of you know, issues within the culinary industry that you feel like may impede that process just from like the position of being like again, Afro Latina woman, I think when it comes to funding, just because like I think as black women in general or black people in general, like the funding. When it comes to money, it's like,

And that's money? So it's like what do I do?

And I feel like I don't come from a money family, you know, and I don't want to ask my parents. So it's like, what that next step of funding is terrifying me?

Gotcha, how do you do that?

No, I can totally understand, you know, and that being probably a long term goal for you, Yeah, which is of course me just shooting ahead because I can see the potential in something like that. But in the meantime, you're taking the necessary steps I think in the areas that I feel like you have been thriving. So you have your blog, you have of course, your your social media persona yeah, and then you have spice spic.

Baby baby it's made.

So tell me about that. How did that come to be? Because that's essentially like a cooking show? Yeah, your own cooking show, cooking show? What was that process?

Like? Who found you? And how did I go from start to finish? So it was twenty twenty two. I've always said I wanted a cooking show like that has been my dream since I was younger. And you know, manifest you pray, you write it down. But it's like, I think people get bogged down and like doing the work, you still just gotta you have.

To do the work. There's just nowhere around it. There's no way, there's no.

Way, and so I was like, I think I want to move to long form. So I started a YouTube series in twenty twenty top of twenty twenty two called Hot Sauce at Home and it's just me cooking and I cooked like some of my top recipes from the blog, and someone from Taste Made saw that, and that's when I think Oprah has a quote of like, just do it for you. You never know who's watching. And so someone from Taste Made DMed me and they're like, hey, we'd love to set up a call. I was like fine, right,

They're like, oh, that's great. Da da da da. September I moved to.

La twenty twenty two and I go to a Taste Made event. I was like, Alex, just go you never know, Like they're a streaming platform. You want a cooking show one day, you never know. So I just went by myself and I was like, hi, Dida da And so the talent girl was like do you live here now?

And I was like I do and she was like huh.

You know when you start to see people's wheels turning right, And I was.

Like okay, and she was like okay.

I was like, I'm always pitching you, but I'm glad I know that you live here. That was September twenty two, twenty twenty two. March twenty twenty three. I get an email that's it and granted I'm still on the internet cooking, minding your own business literally literally, and so I get an email that says show concept and I go, okay, whatever whatever.

So she like, let's go on the phone. So she was like, I pitched you.

I think I have something. And I was like, again, okay, no big thing, no big deal. She was like, I got on the phone with like a development manager. She was like, let's talk your cooking style, all these things. Again, I'm like okay. So then my best friend's wedding in May, it was sin good to my weekend and I got the email that shit said like it's happening, and I again and.

I was like, holy shit.

I was like, oh my god, a cooking show. And then at first it was named something else and then they said they sent it to me. They're like, it's gonna be spice spice baby, wow, like my instagram and just like my personality and so.

And it made Yeah, totally makes sense now that I think about a spice spies babe just at hot sauce.

So it's funny. I forget who it was.

Recently had done a instagram like a little skit. It was keV on stage and his wife Melissa, and it was something where she made she made dinner and he instantly went and grabbed the hot sauce send and like threw it on the plane and she was so offended.

Yeah, and is.

That a thing where people feel like if someone adds hot sauce to my food, then it means that the food is like bland or because I person still like hot sauce on certain things. Same like Caribbean background. We cooked with spices all the time. It's not Scotch bonnet pepper. If it's not crushed pepper, it's want to be some sort of hot sauce just because I like the added flavor. Yeah, but do you think people take offence when you when hot sauce.

Is added to don't? But I could see why, okay, cause like and usually like my crab pasta, I will red pepper flakes.

Okay, that that would have been good too. We made some We made some pasta just so you know, a little little.

Would have been cute for a low cake low kick. But I was like, let me just leave it out this time. But I don't get offended. I like spice, okay, but like I could see how people and certain things. I don't need hot sauce on everything, right, And I think people think they're like, like, no, I don't eat everything spicy, you know, right, No, where'd the name come from? Just that hot sauce.

It's just such a catchy name when you use those candles all the time on social media.

But so it was my one of my best friend's birthday, and my friends know I like spicy food.

So my best friend Ash, she.

Was passing like a you know, gaysed to like the bloody mary bars were like, the hot sauce is everywhere, and then you can like make your own and she like pastures like, oh my god, oh look at all this hot sauce. And I was like, just got a hot sauce. I was like, oh, that's kind of cute. And I was like, I think I'm gonna name my blog just at hot sauce. Oh what, I'm just like that and just like that and it stuck. Yeah, and now people will see me like, are you the hot sauce girl?

Nice? Yeah?

Oh my goodness.

So it's been said that some of these viral.

Recipes have been known to cause love attractions and all that good stuff. What would you say, are some of the dishes that are at the top of folks you know list.

Get get a Man dishes, Get a Man Dishes? Is the crab spaghetti? I can attest to that crap spaghetti.

Alex got me even though I got a man chow. She got me and my man with the crab spaghetti, for sure.

The crab spaghet, the oxtail. And I'm not just saying it because you're Jamaican, because I really do believe my ox tail is very tasty, very tasty, Like has your ox steel been co signed and approved by a real Yes, I swear I promise, because that's because you know we'll be honest with you. Yes, all right, So because I don't want you to go out like that, maybe you should make them the next time I come so I can officially very value you would be invited to the bash mint or the funeral, the repass.

Or one of my adventures that requires ox.

Ye. Okay, So we have oxtail, we have the crab, and then we have a short rib pasta with like a chimmy cherry salsa on top.

I love a short rib too, although now I'm allergic to beef, but are you really? I am? So the whole cowaway damn steak not supposed to ox steel technically isale beef?

Yeah, I don't know.

It's the same way I I feel like bacon is not poork. But whatever, I don't like, it's bacon. It's its own entity. So what do you think it is about cooking? Because you think about cooking.

Just like as a historical thing. It's like a family thing. Is something that brings people together? Is that a part of what drove you towards cooking? Do you enjoy the camaraderie in it?

Oh my god, I just do it because you know, this is just something you love, like thinking of the history of cooking, Like what does that mean to you? I mean for me, like my favorite I think my favorite part about cooking is like the community. Once the food is done and you're just sitting at a table, laughing, crying, enjoying wine, people are like, can you pass the peas? Can you do Like it's like you used to do it right.

It's just like.

You're just like convenient communing over food. And that's what I love about it so much because when my mom would cook for us my favorite time because I thought my brother was like a comedian at one point. I was like, he's so funny. Like we would just sit at the table and just like die laughing and just eating over food. No I think.

I mean you think about it now when you're going out with friends, Yeah, you know, going out on a date, sitting down for dinner with my boys every night, Like that's really the space where people dive into breaking down the day. Yeah, like they say, breaking bread together literally and talking and learning about things, and you know, it's just a good way to kind of commune over.

Some good food.

It so and I always say, like when someone's cooking, like they're putting their time, energy and effort and money into making someone feel good through food. And that is love, Like that is like the purest form of love.

No. Absolutely, every time you come home, someone's like, are you hungry? You're right, you're right.

And it actually makes me think of my grandmother's Yeah, like my mom from Jamaica, my dad from Saint Vincent, so that's where their moms are from. And I think about my grandmother, particularly my dad's mom. Anyone who came through the house had something to eat. Yeah, and she didn't have much. My grandmother actually couldn't read or write.

So for me, cooking is so much deeper.

Than just you know, like the eateries, yeah, or the food kind of the community around it, which is so beautiful to see. Yeah, And I would hope that once you have your spot, because I'm already going to speak this into existence, once you have your spot, that will be a place of communing and getting together and loving on each other and like kindred spirits coming together. I could totally see something like.

That for you.

So from an entrepreneur's standpoint and looking at the culinary industry, are there any particular challenges that you've had to face so you kind of foresee as you press forward with your goals.

I think there's like a taboo with if you went to culinary school or not. And I think a taboo because it's so just like, Yes, that's why I don't really call myself a chef, because I do want to honor people that have gone to culinary school. So is that a technicality where some people wouldn't quite see you as a chef because technically I didn't get the technical background right, you have the formal training right, and so I never want to offend anyone, but I usually like

Right?

Am I going to be received?

Yeah?

You know, but there's so many people, there's so many chefs out there that didn't go to culinary school and call them call themselves chefs. So it's like, I think it's insecurity. And also just like I think stepping into the next chapter of like I want you to taste my food in my space, then it's like, okay, let's do that.

Yeah.

I think that transcends over different industries though, because I feel like social media makes it easier and more doable for you to just create your content put it out there, much to your story. Yeah, you're putting your content out and you're doing what you love. Yeah, and someone's watching, right, and you never know what comes from that. But that's somebody in any industry, even just for me for example,

I was like, did you do your face yourself? I did. Oh, I'm gonna say it.

I was like, you are beat down, like your face looks down to the ground. It looks great, thank you, thank you.

Yeah.

And I want to say I come from a makeup background. I never went to school a cosmetology school. So when I went to audition or not audition, but I guess kind of like do my makeup interview Matt Cosmetics, I felt intimidated because I'm like, okay, well I didn't go to cosmetology school. They always ask those kind of questions. Yeah, but I just know I had an act for it, and it was fair that held me back for a

Yeah.

You know, I developed the talent and while there got that on the job training. So I tend to learn those technical ways of doing things. But that didn't take away from the fact that I was a full blown makeup artist, right. I didn't have the formal training. So that's the way people I think are using social media to their advantage now where it's like try the road less travel. Yeah, sometimes the you know, the way everyone's

And it's not that way it necessary for everyone because I always knew I didn't want to be a chef in the kitchen. I always wanted to encourage people to get in the kitchen and cook because of the way I felt about cooking. So it's just like to build community around food. So I was like, so when social media came out, I.

Was like, oh, it's great.

Yeah, right, that's how that's how I could use my cooking career, you know, of course, but it's like there's still a knock for me of like, ooh, something's pulling me to open up something.

I think that the big overarching theme with this conversation today and even this episode is just really encouraging folks in our listeners.

I love to have takeaways for them.

Yeah, and it's about following whatever that burning passion is inside. You know. I had to do the same thing. You know, when you told your mom that you want to go to culinary school and she was just like what. I'm sure she was probably like, oh, for something more guaranteed. Yeah, And that was my story as well too. You know, I was around everyone who was in the medical field, so they're like, Kadeen, you know, nursing, become a doctor, do all the things.

Yeah. You know, as a kid, I was like, I'm gonna be a pediatrician because I love kids.

And then I realized very quickly as it became a parent, that you only love your kids really, and.

Sometimes it's hard to love other people's kids.

Yeah.

But no, in all seriousness, it was one of those things where I just had to go with my gut, like I had to go with what I feel like I was being called to do, and for me, that was being a performer, being on stage, being an actress, yeah, the host, being front of the camera.

That was for me.

And I was slowly able to find my way, even though you know, we live in a capitalist country, so you have to do things to sustain your day to day life. But if you're able to work on whatever that passion is simultaneously, even if it's just a little bit at a time. Yeah, you never know when you're gonna get that email that says it's to go, it's a go.

And I think I always think my parents because it's like they never you know, I think, And you're a mom, so I'm sure you know. But like I don't think she knew what she was doing of letting me cook every weekend. Am I like, I always thank her. She's like, you really don't have to thank me. She's like, I just knew you like to cook, right, But it's like they owe they saw something and they were just like run wild in the kitchen. If that's what you want

Yeah, child by just the exposure alone. And I recently said this to my husband about our boys. You know, let them try everything, right, let them see everything. We're gonna you know, I have four boys, so the natural inclination for people are like, you know, what sports do they play? Or they just enjoy sports. But one of my sons, he does coding. One is into art, you know,

Like that.

You just have to expose your children to because you never know.

What might stick or what might ignite that passion inside of them.

And now my parents now they're like, we would have never thought us taking you to because my dad also took me to a culinary school open house when I was ten a ten ten was that random?

No, because he knew I loved to cook.

And my mom was like, because my parents were divorced, so she was like, Alex really likes to cook. So he set up a time for me to tour a culinary school and some dope and so we went to Vermont and I wish I could find this picture, but it's me with like the apron with like the colinary school. We have to dig that picture. I'm like, mom, you

A love letter to my parents. A love letter to my parents. That's cute. I could see that as like the title of something like the puts that.

In the back of our minds or in the front, because we never know what the next opportunity is going to be.

Wow, thank you so much for chatting about your cooking career, you being a cook, a chef for some.

The point is she makes some good ass food. Yeah, I can attest to that. I've tried it. I was your sous chef today. We had a really great time in the kitchen together. So I want to take a quick break and pay some bills. But if you don't mind sticking around, every dead ass episode has to have a listener letter. So I'm gonna read a story about someone who wrote in and would like to hear our two cents. Okay, there, situation, Lord, Sometimes it's a situation.

You never know what to expect.

We're gonna take a quick break and we will be right back. All right.

Here's the listener letter we have for this episode.

Hey, Kadeen, I just turned thirty, got engaged, and have proved my communication with my man. Has improved my communication with my man thanks to the podcast You're Welcome.

I love that.

And graduating with my second degree with a bachelor's in nursing a lot of the great changes, but it took a while for me to get to this point. Four years ago, I was dismissed academically from a PA program and went through a season of depression and pulled away from pretty much everyone. I felt that I had lost myself because I made my academic achievements the scale that measured my self worth.

Damn.

Now, after a lot of prayer and soul searching, I'm finally getting back to who I am and who I can be. However, I've noticed that my circle is almost non existent outside of my family. I feel like my friendships have all suffered, and now I'm struggling to rebuild them. With the wedding on the way, I truly want to reconnect with ones I've pulled away from, but fear that I no longer have a place in their lives, and I'm at a loss on how to make new adult friendships.

I think you have to like put your guard down and be vulnerable with your friend that you feel pulled away from and just be like, listen, girl, I messed up, Like this is why, just how she was very open and vulnerable in the letter, Like do that. I feel like when you really open your heart to people and like and vulnerable and like this is it was my bad? Yeah, and you hope people come around if they have an open heart, you know.

But yeah, it's funny.

You mention that because that's the first thing that came to mind when reading this was circling back with those old friends may not be a bad thing as long as you're being very transparent and honest about what you were going through. Yet and vulnerable is also a great word. I think a lot of times we try to keep up a facade. Sometimes it just seemed like we have it all together, and I think the common factors that a lot of us don't like. Really, let's think about it.

We are just trying to survive.

No one has the answers, no one has the recipe, considering the episode has the recipe.

There's no rules.

But I do think, like you said, if you lead with good intentions, and you lead with a good heart, and you just circle back with those friends and just say listen. It may at the time have been embarrassing for her, but like I literally was dismissed academically.

That put me in a rut. I was in severe depression.

I didn't really know how to be there for other people, because that tends to happen too. If you're not necessarily in the best place in your own life, you may not even know how to show up for other people.

And depression is real and you get to a really sunken place and I've had family members that have gone through it, and it's just you have to if you can find a way out. I'm sure that your friends will be open to being like, okay, like you know.

For sure, because something like something as big as a wedding day, you know, finding the love of your life really not being able to pick up the pieces of your life and wanting to celebrate with those people I think is something that is worth it, especially if they're people who you think you want to and need to have around. And if they don't come around, then they weren't your real friends and.

That's okay, and then that is okay.

Finding new friends as an adult, how does that work?

I love making new friends.

So you're not signed up for drakesoul no new friends situation, you're down for a new friend.

Yeah, okay.

And when I since I moved here, I found a really great like I have my best friend, like my four core the best friends.

But I like making new friends.

It's actually like I think, when you're in a different chapter in your life, you can experience a new person and.

You're like so spot on. That's so spot on.

I've made some really good girlfriends in this chapter of my life.

I feel like I have too, and they're people who I'm no longer as close with or just maybe the friendship has fizzled out for one reason or the other because we may have outgrown each other, right, And that's okay too. We may not be interested in the same things. We may be in different phases of life. Yeah, where I was in the thick of going through you know, being a wife and a mom and having babies and stuff like that. So of my single friends maybe weren't

And I and it's great because I have those.

And I was telling you about my best friend who just had a baby, and it's like, but and I'm single, but it's like I still have to show up for my friend who just had this baby, you know, And it's like we've seen each other through bad breakup yeah, and great relationships and marriages and now babies. So it's like everyone's going through their own little joiney and chapters.

But it's how we show up for each other within that.

And there's a beauty in being able to do that with someone, you know, to see the low lows and to see the high highs and that way.

I feel like it makes.

The friendship that much richer and sweeter when you can help each other through those moments. Because my core group, like you said, you have your four people, like your little square. Yeah, you know, I have my small little circle, and a couple of them have been friends for over two three decades and those are the people who've seen everything from the ground up. But then I also have some people who have met, like you said, in this season of life, where I'm just like, I'm freaking.

In love with you.

Yeah, because we're we're just the energies just they collapse you.

Yeah.

I think I might have found a new friend in La Alley. I know it's been like a love a fear since we sat down together.

So I like that for I love that now that I've moved from LA, I'm finding more and more people in la than I'm like, man, if I was still here, this would have been my tribe of people.

Yeah, and I love that for us.

So good luck to you sis all the best with the wedding plans and with maybe rekindling those old friendships and sparking some new ones. Just be yourself with those new ones. Be yourself, be who you are, and organically those people will come your way. So if you want to be a listener letter right here on dead Ass Podcast or A Day with K, you know, because we're mixing it up a little bit for y'all, be sure to write in to us at Deadass Advice at gmail

But that's all that, right, all right.

So now that we round out this episode of A Day with K, I always ask my guest, what's one thing that you're dead ass about? You know what you lived in New or you know what dead ass means. What's one thing that you are ten toes down standing on? Business abouts?

Mmm? Therapy.

I like that I'm dead about therapy. Tell me why when you pour into yourself and you want to do the work to be a better version of yourself. There's nothing like it.

Listen, listen, okay, dead ass about therapy.

I love that for you.

Year It's strong, good for you. That is awesome, and we here we also support that too. Here are dead Ass Podcast. We always will have a therapist on. We'll encourage it. We have ads that run from companies that are all about therapy and all about healing. I'm a therapy girl, So you can show up as your best self and I can tell just by the energy that

I am Deval and Alex. Tell them where they can find all the things.

It's giving, cooking show is giving, Instagram is giving blog all of that.

All of that.

So you can find me on Instagram.

Just add Hot Sauce, my cooking show Spice Spice Baby on Taste made anywhere EA stream tv for free. And my subsack Food and Feelings newsletter and live cooking classes are coming back. Oh that's good. I love that.

I love in person demos, cooking and of course eating, y'all, And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, please do us a favor. Go ahead and rate, review, and subscribe.

Dead Ass, y'all cut.

Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and is produced by Donor, Pinya and Trible. All of the podcast on social media at dead Ass the podcast and never miss a Thing