Insecurrr

Go listen to see you by So back in the day when you made it to the NFL, I knew for sure that it was about to be a rap from me. Are you serious? Ted ass? That's funny because when I made it the NFL and I was going for the first time, I just knew you was back at that what Yes you was out? You was God, yes you, and you wasn't say you wasn't, As Jasmine Sullivan would say, why you gotta be so in secure?

Not even it's not even karaoke time yet. But hey, I'm Andre You may know us from postal funny videos with our boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. I'm making need therapy most days. And one more important thing to mention we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of the live's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead ass is a term that we

say every day. Where we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts. One Huney, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take phillow talk to a whole new level starts now. So I'm a rookie in the NFL and this is the first time Codeine and I are away from each other for an extended period of time. We're in different states. So every Thursday, Codeine used to go out with her home girls, right, and I would be at home, and you know, I

just streussful time for me because I'm playing ball. Um. I was hurt at the time, so I was, you know, trying to get through that. You do everything going on in the season, And she would be going out every single Thursday. So I'm like, all, I bet you're going out. All I ask is that when you leave wherever you are, just call me so I know you got home, okay. Right, this day in particular. She calls me, She's like, yeo, I'm trying to leave tracks. She used to hang out

the tracks, Like I'm trying to leave tracks. And this guy got me double parked and he won't let me leave until I give him his phone, my phone number, and like you know some of the guys, and I'm just trying to tell him to chill. So I'm like, I'm I'm in Detroit. You know, yo, you want me to come home, I come home right now. Like that's that's my through project. I'm gonna get on the plane right now. So she's like, no, understanding, you know, you

know what I'm saying. No, it's coming to guys. We were trying to talk from the bounce is going to talk to him, And then she goes, oh wait, wait he just left. He left. He left. So I'm like, all right, cool, call me when you get home. So I'm up now. Now I got practiced in the morning, but I'm up now waiting for her to call me. And she does not call me, right, doesn't call me. So now it's seven am. I go in in the morning for for lifting. I go in the morning for meetings.

I still don't got no phone. Calls. Then randomly I get a phone call from her mom and her mom is like, hey, dudes, have you heard from Codein? And I'm like no, she was out last night. And she's like, oh, okay, well let me know if you hear anything. Because she's not home. We haven't heard from her. So I'm like, all right, bet So now I'm calling her phone, calling

her phone in between me and no answer. Right now, we're getting ready to go to special Teams meeting, which is like a thirty a whole hour and a half past no answer. I'm calling her phone, calling her phone. Nothing. Then I get a call from my mom. My mom is like, yo, um, have you heard from Cadine this morning? And I'm like no, and she's just like, well, nobody can find that they're calling around. So now I'm panicking

and I'm like, yo, what the hell? Like like, she always called me, but she never called me last night, and I know some dude had a double park. I wonder if they followed her from the club. So now I'm getting like I'm getting vexed and I'm nervous. Then my mom calls me back, Babe, I think you should come home. So I'm like what's the matter, Like, tell me. She's like, no, I think you should just come home. So I'm like, yo, they know something they don't want

to tell me over the phone. Son, something happened to my girl. So now I'm in the middle of the locker room, I'm like breaking down, crying. So I'm thinking something wrong. NFL securities that every team has their own security. They're like, yo, devours the man, and I tell them they listen, my girl left last night. She's over the corner. When she got home. She never got home. And the reason why this is serious is because things happened to players families all the time. You know, I know you

heard about the you know times they left. They help people for ransom, they do home invasions. So if people know that you're away, they try to get access to you by using the people close to you. So now I'm nervous, Like, yo, people know that I'm playing in the league, and now somebody went and just took my girl. So now I'm I'm like, I'm vexed, I'm tight, I'm crying,

I'm nervous, and I'm on my way home. They get me a plane ticket and I'm calling Tod's phone and it's now it's going straight to voice mail, and I'm like, somebody got a phone and they chopped off and they cut the phone off. So now I get to the airport, I'm in the line and my phone rings. I look at the phone. It's Codeine's face. So I picked the phone up and I'm like, yo, whoever this is got my girl phone. She's like hey, babe, She's like yeah, yeah, yeah,

And I'm like, yo, what, Like what happened? She's like, I was leaving, and then I saw Uncle Emil when I was on my way out, and he was like, you know, you look like you've had a couple of drinks. You need to come stop by and stayed by me. So I went and stayed by him. But I left my phone in the car and I fell asleep and I didn't realize it got so late and I was twelve thirty and I woke up to forty messages. All

I did was hang up the phone. Y'all. I haven't say nothing to her, but now you talk about insecurities. I get back to the locker room and everybody like what happened. I was like, oh, she fell asleep, So now they all like, huh, she fell asleep and she didn't call you? Right, yeah, yeah, putting stuff in my man's head. No, you put stuff in my head because all you had to do was called me, but you didn't. You made me and secure. I'm sorry, my bad, it's

not okay, mom. I still heard from that. I still got that because you did a lot of ship and a little bit of time. Know you nothing? You maybe all right? Giddy must say hey, don't you say hey? You shouldn't worry? He got nothing know you? Okay? If you say so, no cake, nothing on you? Thank you. I appreciate that. That totally comes my insecurities that I

feel from time to time. Does it really? So? So we're talking insecurities, Well, you thought we talked about the league and you being in that, um the NFL and how that too. You know, it just adds a layer of you know what IF's because of the exposure that you now have. UM. So it brings me to um miss Ayisha Curry and the recent comment that she made on a red table talk with Jada Pinkett Smith. And we do have the clip, so let's play the clip and let's see what it is that's caused quite the

hysteria and have people dragging her. Something that really bothers me and like honestly has given me a sense of a little bit of an insecurity is the fact that yeah, like there are all these women like throwing themselves but me, like the past ten years, like I don't have any of that, Like I have zero. This sounds weird, but like male attention and so then like I begin to internalize it, and I'm like, it's something wrong with you

not can you speak to that? Because um, okay, so you I mean she has three children, you have to children. I'm not going to even talk about she just had a baby recently. Yes, I don't even think their youngest son is even a year yet. I don't think he think he's under a year. So I think that it was completely taken out of context for the for the majority of what I've been hearing, and people are making it seem as if, oh, she just wants, you know, to be So how can this married woman want attention

from just random men? How dare she want to be desired by other men? And I feel like there's truth to what she said. There's truth to what she said, and she's being honest, and it's sad that she's being judged and she's being dragged for just being honest in

the moment. After having children, regardless of if you're married, say if you're not even married, say you're a single mom, having children, it's one thing that can completely alter you physically, it can alter you emotionally, it can alter you in

so many different ways. So sometimes just knowing that the opposites that sex still finds you attractive, that you can still catch someone's eye when you walk into a room, that little affirmation sometimes will help to calm the insecurity that you have as a woman or as a mom. And I don't think that she was asking for a ton of men to just be like, hey, look at me. I'm flaunting myself around. But it's just nice to know

that people are still looking. Does that make sense. Yeah, it doesn't make sense to make me feel the same way as a mom. But I feel like Ia is on a platform where there's probably a level of respect that a lot of men have for her because it's like, y'all absolutely STEP's wife. I would never overstep the boundaries, you know. And Jada mentioned that her radar wasn't on and she wasn't looking. Well, clearly she's looking because if she's walking into the room and she notices that no

one's noticing her, it's making her feel some kind of way. Well, there's there's a ton of different layers to this. The first thing I want to touch on what you said is it's out of respect to Steph Number one. I remember being in the locker room where someone and you know a lot of these athletes have beautiful wives. When someone's wife walking the room, you automatically turn that radar off as a man, that's somebody's wife. You know what

I'm saying, You don't you don't google somebody's wife. I'm just saying you what I'm respectful. You know what I'm saying. This is what this is what we You know, the elders in the league told me like, Yo, that's somebody's wife. Because sometimes a chick will walk in and YO, who's that and they're like, yo, chill, that's I guess it depends on your reaction to because can internalize like wow,

a beautiful woman has entered the room. But it depends on how you react, right, because I know for a fact that even you, for example, you can appreciate that someone else's wife is beautiful. But the difference is is that she wants to know that someone is looking. That's different. Someone recognizing that you're beautiful can do that. On the low, Probably a lot of guys do recognize that she's beautiful. She wants to know that people recognize and I think

that's where people have the issue now. So that's where and this is where it gets tricky, and there are a couple of different layers in this. The first thing is she was dragged one, but she was also a lot of people came to her defense. And let's let's be honest. She's a public figure. When you're a public figure, you're always especially polarizing like that, You're always going to have people who agree with you and people who don't. You can't feel sorry for someone who openly makes a

statement and people don't agree with them. That's what happens when you're a public figure. She gets paid to present herself, so when someone doesn't agree, you can't feel bad for them. People are entitled to agree and disagree. Everybody is not going to agree with everything we say on this podcast, so I can't then ask for sympathy if someone says that I don't agree with what Devao says, and then a group of people agree with that person, Hey, that's

that's part of it. That's part of the course that comes in it. So that's the first thing. The second thing is, I think a lot of it has to do with the what she said prior to just this state, and I think shame and controversy. People people are putting that with this and saying it's hypocritical because her statements were and first of all, it was in defense. It

was absolutely in defense of her bathing suit. She had a full body bathing suit, and people are just like, yo, she's dressed like a Mormon, and her defense was looked a lot of people like to be naked. That's not my style. I like to save the goods for the one that matters, right, because you know, social media will

not let you forget. They were pulling up all the receipts you know about this comment that she made around the whole slut shame and controversy, and and even with that comment, people are saying, oh, she was just defending herself. You can defend yourself without pointing the finger at other people. She could have said, yo, this is my style. That could have been defending herself. She could have said, oh,

my husband like it. That could have been defending herself for saying, everybody likes to be naked, and I save it for the one that's taking a job at Women who show their bodies are a little bit more revealing. Because she did say at one point too, like she was looking at the latest fashion trends and she'll take classy over trendy any day of the week. So just because she decides to dress that way, she still wants to get eyes. It doesn't matter how she's she's dressed,

and that's fair. And the truth of the matter is you don't have to be revealing to get attention. But the issue comes where you make a statement like that, and you end in this statement you say, I'm saving the goods for the one that matters. If he's the one that matters, why publicly then say you want attention from other people? You just proclaimed that he's the one

that matters. And I think that's where a lot of men found the hypocrisy in that, because it's like, Yo, if you're gonna say you're saving it for the one that matters, why are you telling people that other people's opinion of you, if he's the one, if he's the one, that matters, why? And And the thing is, I understand it. It's the contradictory. It's the contradictory nature of it. And because she's a public figure, it's easy to attack her on it. I'm not saying she's wrong because I agree

with her. We all want attention. That's why Instagram exists, That's why. But that's why likes. That's why if your pictures posted at the wrong time and don't get enough likes, you're liable to delete that ship and reposted at another high traffic to everybody doesn't she was lying, she was telling the truth. But there's another layer to this, a little deeper, a little deeper. People do not like her, and they touched on it. They touched on it on

the episode. Right, she's half black, half white, fair skin. He is a lies. It's easy in our community to drag someone that looks like that because of the colorism that exists, Especially when someone like that, who is so privileged, speaks about not getting attention. When light skinned people in the black culture have always gotten the attention, it's easy to like somebody very good. You know what I'm saying. It's like, how dare you feel some kind of way

about people not gawking over you? Because you got everything that everybody quote unquote wants. She got the lighter skin they haze a lies according to colorism, she has she has a prominent male athlete husband, she has her own TV shows. It seems like everything in her life is going perfect. And that's really and that's really what it is. Is it fair? No, it's not fair, because she's entitled to feel the way she feels, and I applaud her

courage to say how she feels as a person. But a lot of this stuff and a lot of the backlash she's getting has a lot to do with that as well. For example, if it were Lupeta, if it were Michelle Obama who made these statements, who have a strong following of women who support her, I doubt that would have been as much dragging of her comments, because there's a certain level of respect that comes with those

people who say those comments. So sometimes it's not even about the comment, it's about who said that comment, you know what I'm saying. And because she already got the backlash for women for for a slut shaming, which you gotta be. You gotta know, you know, you gotta know that the climates it is two thousand nineteen. The one thing you cannot do in this day and age is trying to downplay women and what they have gone through in this country. So when you downplay women in her

sexuality a color, you become the villain. And when you become the villain, anything you say after that, it's gonna be scrutinized. You know what I'm saying. I feel like she just got scrutiny because there's a lot of people who just don't like her, and it's not fair because she's for From what I know, I don't really know her. She seems like a decent, all working mother of three who really loves her family, who wants to build her business. But she said some things that now every time she's

on Twitter, they blast her. She says some things about the NBA. They blasted her. She says some things about the finals. They blasted her. It's like, but that's what happens when you in the public, when you're in the public eye. We're talking about the finals now, I guess as an athlete. Some men I think felt like it was selfish of her to have this platform at this time, being that it is the playoffs and it's a big,

you know, stressful time. It can be a major life changing moment for step you know, to get more accolades. Do you think it was a bad time now for her to now insert herself into some sort of discourse and dialogue to be around her. Well, first thing, shout out to the doubs that ship ain't working because Steph been going off since the shout out. Shout out exactly,

shout out to stuff for that. But the biggest thing is when you're when you're a wife, you get tired of people telling you that you have to put your career around your husband's career. She got her own career. She wanted to do the interview. She probably did the interview months ago. She don't know when the interview was gonna air. How was she supposed to know it was gonna air around Game six of the semifinals of the

Western Confidence She doesn't know that. You know what I'm saying, and the feelings are feelings regardless of what time and what happens. Too is is that this platform in this forum was for her and the women in that room. She's not worried about the NBA finals. Now, if you're a man, I do get it. If you're saying, like, baby, we're doing this together. You know what I'm saying, This is part of you know, part of building our legacy, because let's be real, part of her legacy is that

she's Steph wife. As long as even if she wants to say, like I don't want to be known as Steph wife, you can say that. Men say that a lot of the opportunities she's afforded, she's afforded because she's step wife. We cannot dispreadit that. And you and I talk about this too. If there's something going on in your life that I have to be cognizant of that time, it's only fair for the two of us to be on that same thing with me. Do I agree that

the timing was messed up? I doubt that she said drop the story now during the playoffs, but I could see how men are saying, you know what, it is a little selfish for her to talk about this now during the place. I can understand that it's just knowing your spouse and knowing that if something in their career could take them to another level. If this is legacy to finding. You want to be supportive and you don't want to distract or bring any outside noise to what

they're doing. They're trying to focus on the task. Bringing the outside noise creates a little bit of a Hinderan special Stuff was not concerned in the least about everyone dragging her, because he did post something in response saying that he was proud of her for standing her ground.

And you know, it's yeah, you have to support you your wife, and you see, you know that he knows, I'm sure that she's in the spot like because of his platform and who he is, so he has to support her in that sense absolutely, And and her honesty is what life is about. You share the transparency. It's like we ask for these platforms and we ask for people to be honest, and we ask for people to tell it like it is, and you know, tell the truth,

and then you drag them for telling the truth. Like I'm sure at some point within this podcast, not this one per se, but just in our podcast career, we may get dragged for certain things that we say, for being honest, for being honest, but it's like, what do you want me to do? No, you know, you can't worry about that because as an artist, as an artist, your your focus is to invoke thought, not to get everybody to agree with you. People think you see what

I'm saying. So if diogue, create dialogue, if you can make somebody feel an emotion, whether they dislike what you said or something, you made them feel something. As an artist, that's what it's supposed to do. Create art. To make everybody agree with you. In that case, it's just not art, it's politics. And that's not she's not into policies, into politics, and that's the approach we even take too with social media and the things that we post. It's like we're

putting things out there to engage people. So whether you feel away about it, good, bad, ugly, you felt something, which is a good thing if you're scrolling by and you're not feeling some kind of way than chances where

it was irrelevant to begin with. And and to be a fair and honest I do applaud her for her honesty because a lot of people, and like you said, a lot of women who have children probably feel the same way she feels and if no one shares the way they feel, you feel alone and you feel like you're the only one. And and that's why I can applaud what she's what she's done, because it creates dialogue. Everybody's not gonna like it. Oh well, oh well, oh well,

everybody's not gonna like that. You're gonna have the people who are gonna judge regardless shout out to Aisha for for being supportive. And that's what they're supposed to do, because at the end of the day, like I said on Instagram, them to the only two that matter. As long as he likes she loved it, long as she liked it, he loves it. They could have had a big eruption in their household, they could have been at odds,

but you know what, not in front of y'all. Not in front of all, because that's how I felt when she didn't answer a phone and I was in the locker room crying in front of all my boys. We had a big eruption when I got home, Yes, we definitely did. Then we stepped out late and everybody was like, hey, hey, they look fine. Yeah, keep your business in your house. Shoot. The thing that bothered me the most right was that people were making it a woman thing, a pregnancy thing.

Oh had a baby. She's not because she just had a baby. It's because she's a person. But no, that's part of it, though, that's part of it. I don't think it's part of it. You don't think having a baby has a lot to do with women having insecurity? No, no, no, not her insecurities. I don't think her having a baby anything to do with her statement the whole baby to I'm trying not to. I'm trying to stay out of it. That's why I said it was a man. It's not

a it's not a woman thing. It's a person. Anybody who desires someone else seeks attention from the people who are in that group. So if you're a man and you desire women, you seek attention from women. That's not You don't have to be pregnant and have a baby to then want attention from the others. Absolutely, So it's not to me her statements had nothing to do with her just having a baby, right, It was just being a human, like yo, I want to know I look good? Right?

I do that right? I wake up in the morning and be like yo, let me make sure my ship fresh. So when I walk out of here, because I do want you to see women checking me out, so that I could put you on notice, like you see that people's noticing. People know exactly exactly. However, however, I'm going to stop you right there so I can tell my portion of what happened with that story. Tell your portion, because you sound like you got back in your feelings

again and you rewound like fifteen years ago. I'm still very upset. I'm not even gonna to you. I get upset once a week about because you still do the same thing you get in the U and I'm like, yo me when you get there to cle you and to sound like that though, because that's how you sound when you know you do something wrong. And then I'll be over here. So, yes, I was wrong, and that I did not call the out or someone to check in the touch base when I out to my destination.

But what happened was okay. That night, after I dropped my friend home, I happened to at the stoplight, literally my uncle pulled up alongside me. I guess he recognized my car and it was just like a happenstance thing. And at this point it was like one thirty, almost two o'clock in the morning. So he was like, yo, what you're doing out late whatever. I'm like, I'm just coming from you know, having some drinks with my friends, blah blah blah. And he was like, yeah, you're good

to drive there. You're going back to your parents house. I'm like, no, I'm going to Long Island back to school. And he was like, nah, Like, it's almost two o'clock in the morning. There's no way I'm gonna let you drive almost an hour back to school right now. He was like, why don't you just come chilled by us and then get up in the morning and go back to school. So I was like, no, I'm good, I could drive. I'm good. I really didn't have that much drink.

I was watching it because you know, I know I had to drive, and he's like, okay, follow me home, go get some rest whatever. Stop looking at me like that. I'm just I'm just saying, because if it's a dude telling this story to his girl, the first thing you're gonna say, oh, that's that bitch name. Her bitch name is my uncle. Stop lying for you till I stop

lying for you. Whatever. Uncle you're gonna call us, that's what That's what you would do if it was ended up speaking to my family after though, because everybody pretty much had to like it was. It was for real though. So I got to this house, left, of course, got to the house, crashed, fell asleep, um, and I left my phone in the car, didn't even realize it. So they got up, they left for work in the morning, and they were like, oh, getin sleeping, so peacefully, let's

leave her alone. I finally get back to my phone to go drive back to school that morning, and literally there was like forty eight messages, text messages, voicemails, everything, your mom's everyone in my mom's job, like stops looking for me. And this was literally about like nine am at the time, so I was technically quote unquote missing from like two am to nine am, So in a seven hour window, all of this transpired and I was on my third dream. You do understand though, it's also

the context of everything. It's because I was playing. Um that was around the same year where there were a bunch of home invasions and things were happening to athletes. So they take these things, these type of things very serious, super like y'all have no idea. Like, literally, the FBI like broke into my phone. They checked my voicemails, my text messages, everything. So if I was creeping, you would have known, because the FBI would have probably blew my

ass up. Everybody knows a woman cheats better than the FBI. It's not even a woman cheating, stupid. But they literally and they literally went through my call og and like called all of my recent calls, everybody I was with, like it was a whole big thing that happened in a matter of seven hours. Like I couldn't even believe it.

And literally, if some if Devo was just asleep and it wasn't a big thing and he woke up at nine o'clock that morning, I would have probably had my phone and none of this would have happened if you were responsible. But I know, yeah, I know, I do have to get better with that though, just because it's a crazy world. And he will be like, yo, call, I'm to get to your destination, and sometimes I'll just

be forgetting, like I want to get it. But I can see how in that moment you not being with me, after being with me all this time, there were probably a ton of different things racing through your minds, you know, with with your your teammates. Then you know, saying like I wonder where your girl really was, Like little things like that, I can get how embarrassing it was. Okay, So I apologize fourteen years removed from the situation, you

know what I'm saying. So the So the takeaway from this whole story is, whenever you get to your destination, ladies and gentlemen, make sure that you contact your significant other and let them know that you're there safely. Yes, because it's cool. It's all could have been avoided if I had even shot you a text message and then be like, Yo, I'm going to stay by my uncle in Brooklyn and let me know that you was good. Do you let me know you was good? You didn't

even realize that, wasn't there? I like, crash on the couch and here we are, here we are, and and to lead into how that made me insecure? Like I said, this was the first time that we've been away from each other since we met at eighteen, and now I was already a little bit insecure because Yo, you got a beautiful girlfriend. You in the NFL, your girlfriends at home, she's hanging out with her friends and a bunch of

other dudes that you don't know. Of course, if i'm those dudes, I'm gonna shoot my shot, and I don't know them like that, so of course I'm a little insecure. I'm wondering, like, yo, what you know, what is she doing? Who is she outing? At the same time, I'm trying to be respectful to the fact that she's an adult and we're individuals. So I at no point was I

ever like now, you can't go out. It was like it was like, you know, we gol have fun and I'm gonna try to deal with this internally and try not to seem like the jealous, overbearing boyfriend because I'm not. I'm not like that. But inside it was still kind of like, you know, you know, I hope that you know, I'm still the one that keeps her attention while we're going through this process, is together, and there were times

that left me very insecure. Like there were times I was just like, to me, that was crazy because now that we speak about it openly, of course, this is

a long time ago. Now that we speak about it openly, I'm like, bro, you were insecure with me being here in Brooklyn and in Long Island while you were now in the NFL, Like talk about insecurities as a woman, you know, at the time, feeling still like a young girl in a relationship with my man, who I have to now stay in Long Island because at this point

I was now continuing grad school. So Deval graduated from college, and the year he graduated, I was um selling grad school, so I had one more year left to finish the program before I could even like leave Long Island. So all I'm thinking about is my man, who is fine as hell of course to me, and some several women who's a charmer, you know, And I'm just like, yo,

he's about to be in a completely different arena. He is going to be with as women who are like professional, you know, professional and getting themselves together and being within the v I P and wherever these players are. So I couldn't even fathom Devout having any kind of insecurities surrounding me being here. I'm like little old me in Brooklyn and going to these local spots, Like, what do

you worried about? I'm going to tell you the truth, it's not It's not so much just insecurities when your focus is on that one woman, It doesn't matter how many other women are out there. That one woman right there, that's yours, that's my woman. I don't I don't care. Like even even even dudes I know do who are not in committed relationships, but there's that one girl who that's that He's like, Yo, that's my that's my baby. It don't matter if he got a bunch of other women,

that one girl right there. He don't want nobody else to touch that one girl. And men get insecure about that because they want that one woman. A lot of times we don't even know how to be in that type of relationship with that woman. But if that's the one woman you want to share that time with, or you want that one woman to only want to have your interests, you get insecure about her being around other dudes because you would, dude, And you know how dudes are.

You understand what I'm saying. And me, I'm competitive, Like I walk in any room, I'm not. I don't fear anybody else in the room. But the issue is the distance. We weren't around each other. We weren't like I was going for four months, Like if there's a surefire way to feel insecure about anything in your relationship, though some distance in that bed and you're gonna be like, uh, damn,

that was tough. It was a change. And it's a distance that's not even like controlling the person or knowing where they are at all times, or like being in their face at all times, but it's just knowing that when they have those vulnerable moments, or they have those moments where they really are in need of you or in need of you know, touch or a conversation or something, you can't fulfill that at that moment. And I felt

badly about that. So me going out on like a Thursday, Friday, Saturday with my homegirls was really me just trying to pass the time like it was nothing more. And damn, it's a Thursday night. You know, I have no class on Friday the weekend. I'm not gonna get through missing my husband, not my husband's time, but missing my man who's not here if I'm just sitting around in the apartment doing nothing. So that was my way of coping with the distance. I was mature enough to understand that

at the time that that doesn't make it easy. And you know, what's funny about men? Right, And a lot of men won't say this. You know why men get insecure with women because of the things women do when they got men with you. When you don't have a girl, you know that that's somebody else girl. In the back of your mind, You're like, Yo, that's somebody else girl who's doing these things with me. It makes you wonder, like you when I get a girl, if she's gonna

do those same things. So it's funny to me sometimes when when I hear women say, oh, niggas ain't ship, it's like, you know why niggas ain't ship because they got somebody who ain't shipped to do ain't ship things with you know what I'm saying. It's like, I think it's so unfair to just categorize men as niggasin ship. I got boys, and like I've like I played in the league, got boys. We tell stories, We sit in the locker rooms, and there are married women just like

they are married men who do things right. So for for women, they don't understand either sometimes like why men so reluctant to be and committed because sometimes we've experienced things with those women who were supposed to be committed to someone else with them. That makes you kind of like,

you know what, I ain't doing it. And the thing is, I understand that women like it's it's easy for for for women for me to say, I understand why women insecure because men play the field there like you know, like they don't, but they're not playing it by themselves though, So I guess that's my point at that point, because you know, along with women who want, you know, fidelity and they want someone to be faithful to them, you have your team of women who are also like, well,

I don't care. It's not my husband. What happens in their household is not my business. Like they there are women who are like that, who are just like, well, I don't care. That's one of the thing for me to be worried about. So that's how I felt when I'm twenty two years old and my girl is miles away and it's not like we were married. I'm saying we were not married, so it was just like, yo, she actually is free to do whatever she wants. And another thing is too, when you're in that that league,

you're not sitting there at just chilling all day. It's a stressful time. So you go from a stressful time and you come home to an empty home. You know, you're you're worried every week you gonta make the team or not. You know the money yet the money is good. But here's another thing too. You're playing in a different city with teammates that from week to week change. It's not like college. In college, you have all of your buddies there that you got. Yeah, you're going back to

the dorms, you do all that stuff. When you play in the NFL, there's no dorms. When you leave the locker room. People got families and go back to their friends and stuff. So you go home by yourself. It's not like you just out here just bawling out of controls. No, you're going back home to read the playbook. If you're

a rookie, you got special teams meeting. So there were other factors that made me kind of like I was more introverted during that time because I was so focused on football that it's like I only wanted to spend time with the person who was my safety net during college, and I didn't have you, you know, and that that kind of made me insecure. Absolutely, you know, I really think about how our insecurities cause us to now create this whole entire narrative around what took place in a moment,

you know what I mean. So for example, you know, I put on a swimsuit and I'm you know, out at the pool, and you look at me with the screw face. Now I'm thinking to myself, well, damn if I don't like the swimsuit. Maybe maybe I put on a little bit too much weight, Maybe these stretch marks is extra stretchy today, Like what exactly can you know trigger something in my mind to now create this entire story around it that now affects me internally and I may not be able to die vote to you in

that moment. I'll just go back up and put my cover on and be like, you know, what suck the pool today? And then that creates an issue because now I'm like, yo, know why you put the cover up on it? And you got an attitude? Now that happens a lot a lot. It does happen sometimes, and it could just be like you check to your phone and just realize, like your stocks dropped, so you was tight about losing some money or something, had nothing I don't want to. We don't want been there there, don't want

to do that again. But I feel you and I have a question though, as a as a woman, do you feel like there's added pressure with everything with Instagram, with TV, oh my god, ably to uphold the standard that because I know a lot of women talk about and we talked about this with the snap back, where people were, you know, you were getting some backlash because you kept putting snap back and they were just like, oh,

why why she got to snap back? Yes, you know, it's crazy that the whole snap back and the whole negative connotation that it has gotten over time, to me is a little ridiculous because I mean, I know where it stems from. It stems from social media, stems from celebrity culture. It stems from the images that we see where women have these babies and then there are snapping back quote unquote you know in a matter of weeks.

Whereas if you look at most women, majority of what of what we do is trying to spend time in that postpartum nursing our baby and taking care of our chow and and loving ourselves again and loving our new bodies, and that in itself is difficult to deal with talk about insecurities, you know what I mean. So for me, the whole snap back I didn't think have to take a negative connotation. Snapping back for me was like saying within my time, meaning the time frame that I set

forth for myself did not have to be weeks. It could have been months. I mean my O B g U, I N and midwife told me it takes a full year for a woman's body to really balance out and refocus after a baby. But isn't the key to snap back to snapping back fast because it wouldn't be called a snap back if it if it happens slow drawback. No, it's true, yes, yes, and you're absolutely right. There is like a certain time period I guess that the snap

back does take place. It's the reason for the snap back, like you want to compete with other women or are you doing this because you just want to get back to yourself? And for me, it was a matter of getting back to who codein was. So whatever my snap back period time frame was like for me, I try to give myself at least a year to be kind and realize that it's not going to happen for me overnight. A because I'm enjoying my baby, I'm enjoying my family.

I particularly don't like to work out. I'm not I would never profess to be a fitness buffer or anything. So I take my time with getting things back. I love food. I know y'all see me dance and you know, get to shoulder actions, take my weights off when I'm ready, because I do love food. So I take my time with getting back, you know. And it was really just a matter of me getting back to me, like who is Cadine in her body and wanting to get back to that. But I have a question about just then,

this is just female culture. Why can't we celebrate the women who can snap back fast? Like? Why does it seem like, yeah, there's a lot of shaming that goes to shame you shame women who work hard? Is not? Why is that? Because I really don't know as a man, because plus for us as men were competitive, like I'm about to lose his weight now I know. Granted I didn't carry a whole fetus and grow a human inside of me, so I understand that it's completely different. But

why can't we celebrate women? You to be honest, like when you pose it I never even thought it that way. I thought about it that way, but it's right. We should be able to celebrate women who are you know what, that's their focus. They want to get back within a certain time frame. I think people are not as kind to celebrities because they feel like celebrities have the means and they have the resources to be able to do it.

So a celebrity goes and gets pregnant, she has a baby, she has twins, and then she's been hiding for six weeks because she has nutritionist, and she has a nanny, and she has a night nurse, and she has mom, and she has dad, and she has you know, a chef. She as all of these resources to help her snap back. But she has to do that because her body is

her livelihood. And here's my thing though, that also our insecurities from other people projecting their insecurities on celebrities exactly because because they couldn't do it or they didn't have the resources to do it. Everybody and they want to project them on. I used to curry, they want to project them on Steph Curry because even men was projecting their insecurities on stuff. The funniest thing I heard was a dude say, Yo, I know what the problem is

stefinitely hitting it right. And I was like, yo, first of all things, an all time leaving three point he don't miss it, I know. That was my Secondly, it's like this woman is talking talking about herself. You found a way in your manliness down That to me was a huge insecurity. Yo, you found a way to attack stuff right exactly like that, like that exactly. I was definitely adversely talking about, like even just like the insecurities

around body image. If a celebrity were to walk out postpartum two, three or four months after having a baby and look a little bit out of shape or not have their hair, then they're gonna be in everybody shade

room and everybody's platform dragging them. Remember they dragged Beyonce because remember after the storm in Houston, on the storm in Houston where the floods happened, and she came out right afterwards, just right after having the twins, and she had a little extra weight, and people were like, oh, look at Beyonce, look like a auntie. It's like damn. So if she would have bounced back, she would have got dragged by all of the purists that said, oh why you why you working out so hard? You should

be taking of those twins. But since she took time with the twins but then stepped out and she wasn't concerned about all the TV because she's Beyonce like, she don't always have to be on point all the time. She had to actually give a statement that said, yeah, I'm not in shape yet, but when I want to get back in performing shape, I can. It's like, yo, you that. But you know what's funny. We talked about insecurities with the marriage stuff. We noticeding insecurities in society.

So many people in the world have insec individual persons not because a lot of people push their insecurities on the people you see on social media. And and they don't even do it to just celebrities. They do it to their friends. You have a home girl who just had a baby who get back fast. It be their friends who pushed their insecurities on their friends. Oh you know she her body die. You know what I'm saying. It would be dude who push their insecurities on their homeboys.

Their wife looking good on Instagram and you know she wanted attention that they ain't doing something right. It really

be other people who inject themselves into other people's lives toxic. So, you know, going back to the insecurity, insecurities and stuff that you and I both felt at different points um in our relationship, particularly when you were in the league and then you came back home and all you and then it was like a role switch at that point, because I went from going out to pass the time that you weren't around too, then you coming back home in the off season and then you wanted to go out,

almost as if it was a tip for tad. And I was just like, Bro, I thought you wanted to come back home and you couldn't wait to spend time with me, but instead you wanted to be out now with these little freshman girls. Here you go, which your little friends, here you go to your attitude. Now you little freshman friends. And I was just like yes, and see a little friends. And I was just kind of like, bro,

what's going on here? Well? I mean, so you were your insecurities real in that moment or do you feel like you were just making these things up in your he Was it imagined or was it real? No? I I had some real insecurities. I felt like for the four months that I was going through one of my hardest times trying to make an NFL team, you were out having fun, and for me it was like finally the seasons over. I made you know, I made the team, I made some money. I'm back home. Now I can relax.

I'm going to have some fun. I was not having fun when I was there. It was it was like home when you wasn't trying to have fun with me. Like I was expecting for us now together to go out and have some fun, and you were like that, that's me. That was me being immature. That was me being twenty two and saying, all right, you was out with your friends. I'm gonna be out with my friends.

You know what I'm saying. And going through that that that whole thing that you're not calling me and all that stuff that that hurt and it bothered me, and it was very you know petty, you know, saying it was petty that I was come home and I like, you know what, I'm going out in my friends. You were petty before petty be even became a thing, like you were just petty. I was born pt like, just always petty. So that's one of the first things that

was wrong. We didn't communicate. We were assuming a bunch of things that were happening that maybe weren't even happening, and we created these stories in our minds about things that were transpiring it really weren't, and in turn putting a stress in our relationship, huge stress, putting a huge stress from us. I was like, Oh, that's the guy you'd be out with, that's the one you'd be talking to, thinking that there was something more that wasn't there, And

and it was. It was a huge in security. I could admit it now. I couldn't admit it then. You know, I'm saying I was too I was too mule headed, right, I was. I was too young, I was too into myself. So at that time I didn't admit it. I was just like, no, no, no, this is how it is. But now years later I can admit that it was.

It was. It was a huge insecurity. And you can't expect people to always recognize where they are during the time they're they're Sometimes time to remove yourself from it a couple of years because anytime we talk about this story or we like tell people this story, and it's so funny because of course people are like, of course to devoluce dramatic in the way he tells the story. Dramatic events are true, they're true, but the delivery. You're

a great storyteller. I'm never gonna take that away from you, babe. But it's funny when we were able to tell the story now and we look back on there and we're just like, got It's funny when we look back now because we're just like damn looking at it with you know that hindsight view, Well, do you feel like you were your insecurities were real or imagined? No, they were

really in that moment. They were definitely real in that moment because I felt like, you know, what do you think I was to be like a video girl and just go absolutely absolutely. I was like, he's gonna meet subject that's just gonna like sweep him off his feet, and she's gonna feel this void and this deficit that I couldn't feel at that time. And it was such a major moment in your life, like you bust your ass to get today, you bust your ass to get

to the league. You were not like, you know, big dude, first round draft pick that everybody was like I want Devlot like you had to prove yourself to be there, so it was such a hard moment for you that I felt like, damn, like I can't be there, So

there's somebody, even if it wasn't a physical thing. I was more concerned about, is there someone who's emotionally gonna be able to be there for Devout in a situation where I can't, and that in turn drive us away from each other or drive us apart, you know, because we had a lot of moments where we were bickering about different things because we just the distance was just killing us. The distance was bad. And that that brings us to the second point, which was talking about communicate

and don't assume we did a lot of assuming. We didn't. I assumed a lot of things. You assumed a lot, and we didn't communicate because during that time I didn't tell you how I felt about all of those things. I came aclose to you like everything was fine, and then I acted differently, which was which is crazy. Now, you know, at this age in my life, I'm like, why would I ever do that? But I think now I'm I'm more solid than who I am to be

able to say how I feel. But at that point I was more focused on I'm an NFL athlete, I'm an alpha male. I can't show my weakness and I'll just be like nine, I don't care you go out with dudes. I don't care go out with your home girls. And then inside I was like, you're telling me that. I felt like, all right, well, he's good. He wants me to go out there and like enjoy myself and doesn't want me to soak around either. So I felt like you were just being supportive when meanwhile, all this

other ship was going on in your head. I was trying to be supportive though I really was. I was trying to be. It just wasn't working out for me.

I know, you know, I mean it makes me think about like self esteem and like confidence and what role that plays too in insecurities, Like do you always count on me to kind of not massage your ego but make you feel like babe, like you know, I have to uplift you and give you the sense of confidence in the sense of self esteem or is that something kind of innating or person No, I mean I think that's just in people. You You can't there's nothing you can say or do to me to make me feel

better about myself. Like when I'm having my down days even now, there's nothing you can say. You can be supportive, and I can feel your support. But if I'm down, i gotta find some internal motivations, and I've learned that with you. When I remember this specifically, we were struggling because you were at home and at this point we were in the NFL making a lot of money. You moved out there with me. You just didn't look happy,

and I'm like, let's go shopping. This is the first time I took you to a shoppers where we went to. It was at North Fillmore. North Fillmore, we went to We went to every store. You went to Gucci, Summerset Summerset More, shout out to Detroit. You cant affinity Gucci, you know, before we cancel. This is when we had a good relationship with We broke up, all right, just

to put that sorry. So I took you shopping and then we came back home and I remember a couple of days later, you still just did not look right. So it wasn't the material things. It wasn't the material things. It wasn't me telling you how great you were. It wasn't me just telling me how much I love you. You had to find it and you had to find that peace within yourself of who you are. And I feel like we're self esteem. There's a reason why that word,

that first word thereself itself is there. It starts because it starts with you, like you know what I'm saying, and the insecurity I felt at that time. Now, so so let me paint the picture for you. Guys. I had graduated grad school. You know, it was like, great, I got my degree. I cannot move out there be with my man, you know, against my mom and my dad looking at me like what you're about to go?

Shack o? Where? Like how am I going to tell your grandmother you're living with this man out of marriage? But that was my mother. Um, But no, it was like, so now I'm out, Okay, great, So what purpose do I serve having a purpose when you are? Now I'm there at your leisure and at your disposal. So now you're feeling better about the league, You're feeling better about you know, everything you have going on, and I'm just kind of sitting there like all right, well, what's in

this for me? Now that I'm here, and that really just made me feel like the insecurities I felt now is what am I doing to help sustain in this relationship? What am I doing to bring value to the relationships? And then it was like more insecurities. So insecurities don't ever stop. Really, I think that it rears its itself at different points throughout the relationship. You know, different times you may feel insecure about different things. Um, but really

it's starting in the self. It's starting with the self, and it's learning how to let it go, let things go, you know, like for example, that whole thing with you not calling me that night. You if you continue to exist in the past, you can never exist in the present or move forward to the future. You can control the things that you cannot control. So sitting there and trying to figure out ways to understand more how it happens, all that does is just create a conundrum of problems,

and it just you gotta let things go. And I think we've both done that over the course of our relationship, because we've had to years. If we didn't let you go, don't you imagine what we'd be like together? We be together, and we'd be angry and we'd hate each other, right, and it would be a very contankerous situation. And what's the point in that? No? Point zero? Because I love you. You know, it's a little fun. I love you too. That's one thing I'm secure about this. For the record,

there it is. Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring sports icons. In his story, it comes with many chapters. I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here it is the return to glory. This is All American, a new series from Stitcher hosted by me Jordan Bell. You realize Tiger Wus doesn't know who he is best in the history of golf, no question in

my mind. And this season, with the help of journalist Albert Chen, we're asking what if the story of Tiger Woods that the media has been telling, what if it's been completely wrong? All American Tiger is out now listen and Stitcher, Apple Podcasts or your favorite podcast app. Alright, so you know we love to hear from you all out there and our listener letters segment. Let's see, I have a person who is slow to let a potential partner in and then falls hard for them once you

trust them and share yourself emotionally. Do you have any advice for learning to trust be open again when that person hurts you emotionally as the relationship fails and you're left guarding yourself with more walls than ever before. Yikes, well, this is the first thing I've learned that I've learned this from an old head. Oldhead, life is long. People often stay in relationships or feel like they have to hang on the stuff that's not working because they feel

like they've invested all of this time. You waste time doing that. If you can tell after you've invested a little bit of time that it's not working, you better off just moving on, you know what I'm saying, Like, I understand what she's coming from when she says she slowed to let the potential partner in. But then once you let the potential the potential partner in and they start to let you down, if you're not willing to fight for it, just move on. It becomes like what

are we doing here? Type of thing, and and it's just move on. And I think also too, when you are hurt or your trust is broken, at that point you really have to evaluate, like, Okay, is this worth working through? Or not, you know what I mean, And you can't take what happened in that particular situation into another relationship. Carry baggage there you go. You know about baggage fifty pounds over right, k always carrying baggage in

the airport. That's the big uggage scale. That's the biggest thing. Do not carry baggage from past relationships into the next because you automatically find issues if you continue to just say, well, the last person did this, securities and securities, and then you're not giving that person a fear shot to be,

you know, truthfully and authentically who they are. And it sounds easy coming from us being we've been with each other for so long, but um, I mean we had opportunities to carry baggage, do you know what I mean. We've had in the in the seventeen years, We've both had our transgressions, and we've had things that happened where we could have easily still held it over each other's head to the day, and we've made the choice to say,

you know what, we can get past this. Of course, with time, you know, you get past things and you really try to outweigh the options and be like, is this worth sticking around for and everybody knows their limit. Everybody knows their limit, they know how much they can tolerate. So you know, my advice would be too not take it into another relationship and really weigh out the options.

If that trust is broken in some some instance, or you know, you feel like you can't emotionally open up to that person again, then is it really worth it. Don't carry baggage, but continue to be slow into these relationships. Can't fall fast and full hard. That's how you get hurt. You gotta learn people. So I applaud you for going and slow. Just don't carry the baggage. Now the next listener letter. I've been dating this guy for a few months and things have been going so well, so well,

I think I really may have found my match. But there's a catch. There's always a catch. He doesn't want to have sex. Okay, let me finish this hold on. At first, I thought maybe it was too soon that he was taking him a while. Meanwhile, I've been ready, she ready. But it's funny how he's being a gentleman. Now She's like, yo, it's gonna take. But now I'm at the point where I need it and I'd like to see if we're compatible in that sense. So I brought it up to him, and he changed the subject.

We've stayed for each other, over each other's houses, and he slept in the bed, but no intimacy once we even slept in the bed with all his clothes on above the blanket. Though, Okay, I can see how that's kind of little, you know. Okay, how long do I wait before I move on? Is this normal? Also a little background on him. He used to be four hundred pounds and lost the weight. If you have it, Could this be a body image issue? She answered her question herself.

At the very end, I'm gonna tell you from a man's perspective, because it seems like a very nice dude. He meets a woman, he's falling in love with a woman, he lost four hundred pounds. He clearly is not happy with his image because he did something about it, he lost the weight. You don't know if he's happy with himself naked. But he meets this woman and he's falling

in love with this woman. The last thing he wants to do is take his clothes off, and she not be satisfied, and he loses this woman so you know what he's probably doing. He's probably holding on as long as he can because he knows at some point he's gonna have to take his clothes off, and he's probably worried that once he takes the clothes off, it's going to be a rap. What I would tell you to

do is be patient with him. Someone someone weighing four hundred pounds and losing the weight, that's a that's a hard road. That's not somebody who as someone who's invested and respect takes the discipline to do that, an extreme discipline and respect the fact that he's choosing to spend

this time with you. But let him know where you are, be honest, let him know where you are, and try to work him through it, even if it's not just sex straight trying to work different things, different intimacy things before you get to that level. I was thinking, so he can feel comfortable getting to that point. So maybe

it maybe you know, what were you starting with? I was gonna say maybe starting with like but like, just like you said, being intimate, so it could even start with like dim lights for example, you know what I mean, Like, you know, not doing it in broad daylight, per se or with bright lights on, maybe like lighting a couple of candles and making it and then you know, starting with the massage and kind of working it there and see where that was. Shut up. I'm trying to get this.

I'm trying to help, try to help. Okay, she's trying to in all seriousness, I hear you, but like, you know, make creating an environment where he begins to feel comfortable that he can now take off the layers in a sense, layers of clothes and then the layers that he's built up of that guard that he has. Look at you with the me it'd be happening like that. But but yeah,

you know, trying to make it comfortable for him. And I mean, if you guys have been talking for a few months now and you feel like you're have this intense connection, maybe you can now open up the conversation about you know, intimacy and see where he stands with it. Well, she said that he changed the subject. She's gonna have to ease. Yeah, and he takes take the time with

the brother though. Shout out to the young man losing the weight, that's dope, and shout out to you for being willing and able to work with him on this process. So shout out to both of you guys. Turn out the lights, do a little massage, like said, like a can do. So I'm also you know, I'll be liking them old tunes. But yeah, work it out, baby, work it out. So now it's time to the moment of truth. All right, So much this was a very like loaded layered episode. I already told you in my moment of

truth is I came to it. This is my moment of truth. So many people put their insecurities on other people that nowadays people are afraid to share, and that's the truth. We all walk around with insecurities. I do, I know you do. And then when someone wants to share their insecurities, they get attacked by people who have their own on insecurities, who want to project their insecurities on those people. And I think that that there's a lot of that happening in social media because this is

a new platform. People are learning how to use it, and it's easy to attack people. It's given everybody a voice. It's so it's so easy to attack people when you can sit behind the keyboard or you can sit behind somewhere and just say things, say things and put it out. So absolutely this this for me has kind of opened my eyes up a little bit and realize that it's not just so much about insecurities and relationships, but it's

how other people's insecurities in the world can affect your relationship. Yeah. Absolutely, that's a really good one. That's a really good one because again, in a time where people are asking for people to be honest, and we're having all of these conferences and we're having all these speakers and these panels where people are asked to be transparent, and then you you get the transparency, and then you just drag them for it. It's like, what's the whole point in sharing?

What are we learning here? You know? Um? I think my moment of truth with all this is um really realizing that you should not be take king insecurities that you have and building these narratives and stories around it that may have nothing to do with that moment or

what caused it. So that means if you are feeling a kind of way about something, speaking to the person about it, and it doesn't have to necessarily be your significant other, it can be any relationship just speaking about it in that moment, you know, and trying to really dissect why it is the insecurity lies or where it stems from, because it may not even be what you

think it is. Example, my swimsuits absolutely um so so trying not to create these stories around insecurities that just maybe absolutely nothing and it may just be that and insecurity that you have because we all have them, they're normal that I need you to put on a swimsuit when we get home so I can show you how insecure.

You don't have to be secure. I can be well, does that does that swim suit come with a potential vacation because I'm in need of some sun if it's going to take a vacation for you to put on a swimsuit so I can show you how special you are on vacation this weather out here in New York, you know. And I was dying other day because I saw a meme that said, um winter in New York be like damn, I forgot my keys. It was it was bad. It was what the hell? What in the world?

Like my your girl is in need of a little bit of son, some vitamin. I'm gonna I'm gonna get you some vitamin. We're gonna go on vacations and that leads me to the outro man. Be sure to follow us on social media. That's I am devout, and if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate us

and subscribe. Why you never give my handle? Because I was waiting for you to give your handle, but you was thinking about vacation and you don't get so go ahead and give your handle, not like when we got it. But be sure to follow me Cadeine I am on Instagram and definitely subscribe and tell your friends and give us a rating and review and let us know how you're liking it so far. This is gonna be our second end, so we'd love to hear what you guys are thinking. So far. We have so much, so much,

so much in store for you all. This is just the tip of the iceberg. We're trying to ease y'all in you dropping a lot of things to do. A Dead as Dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. It's produced by T Square, Stephanie Karaouke and Dinora Opinion. Our executive producer is Chris Bannon, and we'd like to give a special thanks to our recording engineer, Jared O'Connell. Our sound designer Brendan Burns and studio manager Ashley Warren. We'll fact.

I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going on right now as part of the Stitching Net. We're called Substraction. That's available everywhere. Get a podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple to listen right now to the Distraction right now, it's out. Do it, please,