Influencing Families w/ Amber & Beyn Wallin

In order to do social media as a family, your spouse does not have to agree with everything you.

Want to do.

We are living proof.

I'm happy to know that I'm not the only spouse in the two that was not signed.

Up for this shit, but I'm enjoying the hell out of it. Dead ass.

Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured, and we're the Ellis's.

You may know us from posting funny videos with.

Our voice and reading each other publicly as.

A form of therapy.

Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.

Yes, sir, we are.

We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics.

Things most folks don't want to talk about.

Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. To take billow talk to our whole new level.

Dead ass starts right now.

All right, So we're gonna talk about we really talked about this, but uh, in honor of our guest today, I have a special song for them because it represents them so well. They're comedians, they love to joke around, so this song is dedicated to them.

He got jungle feed, but she got Jump. That's not the song. That's not the song.

It doesn't matter. It's your black, old white going Saturday night.

Send me.

I believe the miracles, Spight.

I don't know none of them.

It's taking me back to the Golden Girls with you and Jackson. Lea didn't know none of the words.

Thank you for being a friend.

No, we can joke in karaoke because we understand this couple.

So you meet this couple and see how funny they are, you will understand everything.

Yes for sure.

All right, story time, So I'm gonna take y'all back to two thousand and.

Eighteen Halloween.

We had three sons at this point, and Kadeen and I were in park Slope taking our boys to go trick or treating, and I had this grand idea to do a video, right, and the video was going to be about bullying and how me and Jackson were fighting against the bullies throwing eggs.

Right, So we pull up and we pull up and see you.

Park and I'm like, all right, kay, were about to do a video and Case sucker teeth, I'm like you to suck.

Your teeth for I'm just trying to trigger treat and go home.

Yeah see, you be trying to trick or treat and go home.

But all the stuff that needs to get paid for for trick or treating gets paid more by these videos. So if you're gonna tell me you want to do this, you want to go ahead, you want to do that, but then every time I'm trying to do work, it's gonna be a problem. So I was like, Babe, all we gotta do is do this video. Is gonna take us about twenty minutes, and then we can go trick or treating. Right every two minutes, Case sucking her teeth romhas I freaking lose it.

I freaking lose it in front of the kids. I'm like, nah, fuck, this, ain't nobody going trick or treated. If we can't do no videos, we going home. Jackson gonna look at me.

So now I can't go trick or treat it because y'all too, we'll argue about doing videos. At that part, it kind of got to my spirit a little bit, and I was like damn, I can't do this to my son. So I was like, hey, look, look, look, look look what you're doing. So at first, you know I'm gonna do it all dads do. I blame mom. I say, see what you're doing to the babies. You see what you're doing to the babies. Can we just do the.

Video real quick.

It's gonna take fifteen minutes. We do video fifteen minutes, and then we go trick or treated. She said, fine, Grin and Barry right, we do the video. I post a video before we go trick or treated. By the time we started trick or treating thirty minutes later, we had one hundred and seventy thousand views.

I pointed.

I said, hey, hey, you see this, babe. Look how many views we got. I said, ain, no week I got them views.

Okay, I'm a paid actress. Pay me, pay me in this job that I did not apply for, sir.

Oh, you get paid. You get paid every other night and twice on weekends.

Oh my god.

That was a good one though, because I remember we were two seconds away from going home, and poor Jackson was like, so we can't go trick or treat, So why do we have a costume, So why did we get a costume?

That was a good time?

Yay?

It was social media life that I got bullied. I got I got bullied into social media.

You did, you know? And I'm unapologetic. I don't care.

And now I'm the one like babes we're posting today.

Yeah, I got to wait for them, but once the bag started rolling in, I was just like, oh, this is this is nice.

You see what I'm saying.

This is nice.

You're welcome, But listen, we're gonna take a quick break. We have some special guests with us today. You want to meet them when we come back.

That's correct, Stay tuned, y'all will be back.

All right, y'all, we're back. Thank you for sticking or around.

Man, I remember those days where we used to fuss and fight over content. Yes, and I said, you know what, we should bring in some reinforcements. I want to talk to some other families who deal with this whole social media life and what that looks like, you know, because sometimes it can be very very feeling oversaturated as a market, but also very very lonely. Yes, And I just want to know if anybody can empathize with me you know

Hey, hello, Hello, It's so good to be here.

So guys, Oh my god, so happy to have y'all were.

I feel so validated by the story that was just told, because in the early days, every single moment I was stopping you like, let me get this for my Snapchat, and then m became let me get this for my Instagram, let me get this for my TikTok, and then that first check wrote it, he was like, oh, get it, get it for your garden now.

Yeah, yeah, let's be real.

So I was a teacher at this point. I was one moment really hit me when I was trying to help a student and like, I'm sorry, mister Wallan, I just saw you in your underwear yesterday on your work talk account and I said, oh fudge, are we allowed to swear can?

Oh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. So I was like fuck. And then one of and one of my co teachers one time, as an April fool's joke, was like, Hey, the principal wants to talk to you about your wife's TikTok account and as a joke, and I was like, I'm going to get fucking fired, Like that was his joke to me. So I this might give some context to the hesitancy of like not wanting to make everything a video. But yeah, once the money started coming in, I was like, fuck those kids, I'm ready to be.

That's right.

Well yeah, it's like yeah, yeah, you saw my wife's Instagram. Have you seen her? Only fans like, let's go come on, Like.

I got to trust magic about the only fans who said we could make talk about Fly on the Wall and people have said, man, wish we could be on a Fly on the Wall with y'all because we're we're almost certain that stuff goes down.

I'll put some cameras on, you know.

So shoot, talk about multiple streams.

This is this is the biggest thing I think people don't realize why vlogging is so important, right, and why creating content is so important. We grew up during the time where family matters, Fresh Prints, the Nanny, The world was filled with family content, where people could watch other families and say, hey, I can resonate with that when you look at the way the world is now. They do have reality shows, but typically these reality shows are rooted in evils and mess and they want to see people,

So kudos to you.

Guys for seeing that up front and getting it done.

I agree with that. I think I also grew up in the era of like loving like the Flavor Flames, like just kind of very crunchy, because I was, like, I loved those shows growing up loved the Cosby family and everything like that, but I was like, this family is too perfect, Like you're a doctor, you're a lawyer, and in my house it was kind of it was the same busyness, but it was a little bit more

Because we watched, We watched Flavor of It was Flavor of Love, I Love New York. Who was the other guys? It was the two brothers Chance.

Oh, and yes, were they a spin off from this?

They will spin a real and Chance really Chance?

Right?

But those shows were also wholesome, even in their mess because they weren't trying to break anybody up. They wanted to see people find love, and not everybody's the bachelor or the bachelorette. Sometimes you got somebody who's like a Flavor of Love, who who may not be everyone's typical person of love.

But this is someone who wants to find someone to spend with us in their life with.

So I think that in a way, we all have that type of love because when me and k first started, we were into the apartment and we were struggling and we were grinding, and there was nothing perfect about our love story at that time, Like people had a lot to say, they had a whole lot to say, but we were able to work through it byt just continuously being our authentic selves and the people were able to find the love through all of the mess.

Similar to you, guys, I.

Want our question for Ben because I feel like me and Ben are kind of on the similar wavelength here, but weren't necessarily signed up for this life, but here we are and we're enjoying the bags that come in now. But what was like the turning point for you other

Well before I met Amber, I was a thestspian myself. It's different than a lesbian an actor. So I did theater, but I did theater in college. I loved like Tennessee Williams Place. I loved like drama and like acting. And we actually took improv classes together like some people get marriage therapy, but we just took improv classes because it was a little bit cheaper.

And so.

No, it is it's like there's yes anning and like building characters, and I think there's a lot of like marital like So I would recommend anybody who's married or like in a long term relationship like taking improv class because even if you're not comfortable with that, you can really learn with that persons. This was all before this was all before all of that. So I've always liked

But like, look at Amber, Can I ask you what it was like to support me? And on the table?

So I was I was.

Tot him to do that.

He said, you put me in this job that I didn't apply for, So here's my resume.

No one asked.

I think. I think it was just a big moment was when uh TikTok came about. Because the reach of TikTok was so incredible and my ego is in need of such boosting that when we started to get like so many views, I was like, all right, this is this is fun. And I it might have been I think I don't it could have been the money, but I think it was also just the fact knowing I was making people laugh was so was so good and making people not feel bad about themselves and we're like

Well, I'll say this.

I want to pat Amber on the back of myself on the back for showing you guys how to dig into your talent groups and stop judging yourself and just be who you really want to be. Because if it wasn't for me and Amber, y'all would just be You would be a teacher, you would be in the office, y'all would just have miserable lives, not making people last, not making people last, not not being.

Silly taking yourself.

So, because I could see Ben right now being a serious science teacher right now, if he wasn't doing this, he would be very serious. Nobody everybody be quiet in my class has spoken. So I want to thank Amber on myself for forgetting you guys butterflies science teacher for sure.

Yeah, I'm like I remind every time we go out to eat and they say, still are sparkling. I'm like, who do you love? Who do you love? Because we didn't even know there was a question to be asked in the before times.

That's right, idea sparkling that I want. I want toilet bowl water personally for me, I want the cheapest water.

I tell them all the time, like when I when I met him, he was slipping on the food time. Okay, so I'm like, remember remember that when you start arguing with me, you could go back to that food time life.

Okay, yow again.

Hostile over here and these dead ass fly on the wall and streets right now.

But no, but but but to be honest, man, someone has to jump out the window and say we can do this. There has to be someone, But there has to be I was going to try and see that, but I couldn't get it down.

I just wanted to pat me and Ben on the backroom. But go ahead.

But I was trying to give you your flowers, but you took your flowers and snatched and take your flowers, you and bend and run with your flowers.

All right, it's it right.

What's set up on the corner in New York Ben can play the violin out tad.

Dance and we'll just like make some money that way.

Literally we'll be earning our keep to Ben. Right.

But no, but seriously, though, this shows you how like realistically, when Ben said improv classes is good for marriage, I agree because the biggest thing with improv is listening. What people don't realize is that if you really want to communicate well in your marriage, you got to listen. People think communication is just knowing what to say to get your pointed.

For us, no, communication is about listening.

And when I took improv classes in college and in post college, it was all about, you know what, let me understand where my partner's coming from.

Right.

So this is kudos to all four of us to finding a way to listen to what our partner is saying and being a support system even if we didn't see the vision, right because you guys first didn't see the vision. But it's like, you know what, I love this person and they have a passion for it, so let me rock out and us not knowing that us knowing that y'all didn't see the vision, but being like, you know what, I see something in this person and

Yeah, cause you you literally you can't do the scene by yourself. You can try, but if people are signing up to see a scene, not a one woman show, you you kind of at some point need somebody. And I was, I know, in the beginning, I was very nervous because I had my own comedy career in Chicago and TikTok is the land of TikTok is the land of you see one interesting thing in the back of somebody's video, and then everybody in the comments is looking

Right?

That's kind of how Ben started. And eventually I kind of had to humble myself and be like, you know what, he is a part of it, and you kind of need a dramatic character and then like the straight man of the scene to respond off of. That's how every like every movie works that way, every good sitcom.

Works that way.

You can't just have too crazy so or you can't have two muted characters. So it really did end up working for the best. And you know, you know when babies get involved that that's just like we have to talk about anybody else on the internet because it's like, no, we got enough content in our home.

Well, Amber is very clearly the director, Like Amber is a writer at heart. Like recently we went to a bar and she read me some of her stand up and I was like vomiting, like of laughter, like I was throwing off my whist.

I was like, say it right, You're like I was vombing it. It was so bad.

It was so funny. I like I was like crawling on the floor laughing, like drinking like a nicer whiskey. And I was really upset that she made me spit out my whiskey. But like it's very clearly I think if people follow us long enough, that Amber is the director, Like she knows what she's doing, and so all all our successes come down to you know her, because as what the Great Nini leaks said, like no one knew me before they knew you or something like that. I don't know, that's what you.

Go to me, The Great Nini is a front of the show.

So yeah, for sure, for sure.

So is it safe to say that for people who aspire to do what we do right? The social media content, the family content, and this is kind of the recipe for it. You have the one person who's like the director, the creator that has like is the innovator that knows the comedy, the beasts and all that. And then you have me and Ben, who's the person that falls in line and just knows the.

Script and just goes along with the flow.

That pretty much kind of sums up what it looks like right for a couple of.

Say it, if I'm being honest, yeah, I mean, I mean, you know, you can't have a with too many you can't have a kitchen with too many chefs, right, someone has to follow, someone has to be the sioux chef. But and also it takes a lot to be able to flow with the direction that the director is going, right, Like, I'm pretty sure Amber may think of some things up the cuff, and it takes Ben to be able to pick it up and do it.

You do that for me very well.

You know, I'll come with a script and a lot of times in the beginning I'll tell, Okay, this is what we're saying, this is the aim, and every time we would do it, she would say some wild shit that be hilarious, and she'd be like, oh, was I supposed to say that? I'm like, nah, just keep going, I do write it, Just keep going. And then just like you, I'm like, Kay became the star, and I was just like, yo, like there can be two stars

And who's the most important person? And I'm like, nobody really be thinking about that over here.

We provide content based on what happens in our life, and if one wins, we both win.

And a lot of times this videos, I think I'm gonna be the star in the video. She to start.

Then there's some videos all right, and I'm like, yo, okay, they gonna think this is funny, and Davo was funny. So I'd like, forget trying to be who's the star. Let's just put out the content and it's.

And then you roll the kids into it. Now, so you guys have a three year old?

Is it?

She sixteen months?

I don't know where are not three year old from? Okay, so three of.

Us don't put those years on us yet, no way.

Jet A by the bags on the eyes, she about three second, you'll never sleep again ever in life.

So I'm welcome, welcome, y'all.

So when you start adding the layer of children like you said now too, then that becomes like an added layer of content, right because people then are just like, forget de valecadeen, forget we want to see the babies. At this point, I mean, she can't really tell you guys if she wants to be on camera or not. So that's gonna be another added layer when she starts talking and letting you know what she wants and doesn't want.

Don't want to do it. No, I don't want to do a video.

No, not for and we're cool with it.

And the funny thing is people will be like people will be like, how come kas ain't in any in the videos?

And I'm just like, kads don't want to be in the video.

I don't care about y'all.

To draw, he wants to pain. He don't want to talk to nobody. So we like, go ahead and do what you want to do, so.

For sure, So we laugh in jokes sometimes about dead ass being in our what almost eleven twelve season. At this point, I'm being almost like a form of therapy for us as a couple because we get to just actively talk about things that I mean, sometimes stuff come up here just in conversation and I'm like, I didn't know you felt like what that?

Yeah?

Or he'd be like, hey, really like these surprise aha moments like who are you? Who am I sleeping next to this stranger? So we speak openly and candidly, but we also like to bring levity to challenges and stuff that come along with marriage. So have you guys felt the same way at all with having just social media content or even your podcast. Has that worked for you guys in terms of being married couple but also speaking about things so openly, Oh for sure.

I mean I actually write things to bring up on the podcast because the podcast is like a buffer, because she can't get too mad at me on.

You know, he'll be like, okay, so this ps far for the listeners purposes. I'm like, now we are four k.

Right, and I'll yeah, I think I think in some ways I things will come up. But we have definitely like things have come up on a podcast and it got too real and so we had to like edit that out or like oh wait, no, no, no, we're not ready to talk about this yet, anything like being which is fair, which yeah, because it is like this in many ways, what y'all are doing is an open journal for people because you are talking things and then

Yeah, it's great like a highlight tape almost because You're like, there it is on display. I have to edit it, and I'm like, I can't even use this clip because I was talking over my person. So like, mister, which I'm sure you told me for years, but I was like, the writing is on the wall here, so podcast, I said, he had to say it as it.

So, yeah, I've been telling my wife a long time too, and she don't care. We got into an argument last night. Now, well it wasn't an argument, it was a discussion. And I said two words and she just went on. Six minutes later, she's like, you understand, and I was just like, yeah, yeah, I got it. I said, do you understand where I'm coming from? She said where where you coming from? I said, you don't know because you wouldn't let me speak. And she said, well that's fine, that's fine as long as

But we done here, But did you understand?

I did understand. I understood. I was just like, what I understand is that you don't care about how.

Well we arrive at the.

Doll. We arrive at the destination the Lord, that's funny, but I mean I think that we just take it in stride. Because it takes a lot of guts for us to do what we do to be able to share. I know when I started doing the social media content with Deval, my family was not sold on it. Do y'all get any backlash from your family members about like putting too much out there? Because I know at first my family was just like, girl, why are you talking about your issues on social media?

This is crazy? Why why are cameras in your house?

I'm like, it's not cameras, it's the phone, you know, But after editing and producing content, it looks like it's an actual.

Footage of people in our homes.

You know.

Do you guys get any backlash from family members and stuff?

Yeah, especially in early days when they're not when they're just saying the storytelling and the sharing and they're not seeing you know, Jp Morgan's benefits, right, They're not seeing

For me personally, yeah, so and that hey, listen, that's the truth.

I told Kay because k used to when I used to start videos in the morning.

She'd have a it on. She like wait wait, wait, wait wait, let me I said no, no, no.

No, let me brush my teeth.

I said no, let them smell your breath through the phone, like I gotta smell it every morning, Like let them see how real it is. Keep the bonnet on, don't brush your teeth. And people would literally say, I ain't hear nothing. Daval said, it's Kadean wearing a bonnet being bothered for me, and it's just the reality. It's real, like it's everybody's not made up every day. We don't

Like I don't. We don't got to be perfect people to be in love.

Like nah, sometimes k don't like me, sometimes I don't like her, But you know what we're gonna do. Go to bed at night, talk about our issues, wake up in the morning, and try to be better the next day.

Like that's just what it is.

It was just a learning curve for me because I know you guys probably have also dealt with this maybe now or early on, but getting past what people are seeing in the comments right because you're concerned about how this is going to be received. So for me early on, that was just me looking from a space of oh my god, So now I'm putting my business out there, which my family said I shouldn't do, and now I'm getting backlash for it or people are commenting on all the things.

That are wrong in this set video.

So that was just me learning how to get kind of tough skin and just not even going to the comment section half the time now and just being like it is what it is, y'all can take what you want from it and leave leave the rest.

Yeah, we've we've spoken already about how we got through that. How did you guys get through that? Dealing with the comments?

Uh? Oh, well, with the comments. I think we we would read them and then cry to each other was one way with it.

I think she had each other or like.

Sometimes we oh man. I think for Amber especially there, we got some nasty messages like just like the racism was just.

Of course because you're an intracial company.

Was yeah for me because like white white people, you know, date outside their race and they're open minded, and like black people date outside their race and is like you hate your own race, you know what I mean?

So I that's very true.

So you would see elements of like, you know, like white man, you know, white man power type of thing for you know. And I say that completely ironically, like they like.

Oh, you're handling all that over here. They're like, you black bitch, where where is your man? I'm just like what I do?

It is it is a different dynamic because where are you guys located?

We live in La now, but we're in Chicago for ten years.

Oh so you lived in la world in Chicago.

I mean the white people in Atlanta wouldn't have been as nice to you been I'll be honest with you. Doing the motherfuckers is racist and then you see you with a black woman and they'd have been racist as hell. But trust me that so no, no, I got you go ahead.

I think just like reading those comments and like laughing at them. Uh. And then at one point we sort of I just I love trolling people. I was I have three I just I think it's so much fun. Like like one time someone sent a comment being like you you've referenced like Amber dying, like we know that you're gonna kill her, and like I was like because I mentioned something about getting life insurance and like I would pull the plug if needed, because I like, just

We taught We talked on our podcast we would killy together.

Yeah.

Yeah, But to be very clear, like I love horror, like I love slasher films. I think this stuff is just like interesting in aesthetic way, and that doesn't sit well. It doesn't sit well sometimes with our families as well. Some of our jokes, like we both grew up churchy, Like my dad is a hostile pastor and your father is a deacon. Your mom's very involved in the church.

So when same over here, Yes, so we're talking about sex on the pot or yeah, stuff like that, they're kind.

Of like same over here, yes, cringe over here.

I think, Like, but then what happens if I take my mom to Paris and I say, you're in Paris right now because I talked about Amber's pussy, like you know, then they're okay with it.

We laugh, We I don't want them.

That's so that's so true to both of our families. Both of our families very churchy people. I don't know, I can't I can't do it. I can't do it.

But then when you have a party and you fly people with places and then then they now family members are like, can you help me with.

My YouTube channel? Oh? Yeah, now you want to start a YouTube.

YouTube channel links I had to look at recently. Can you just give me some feedback and tips on how to get my subscribers up? I said the same person that was just like, why are you putting your business out there on the street?

Now?

You want to put your business on the street? Sin that good luck, good lackly.

I also think going back to the comments thing, and I'm sure you felt this way as well, Devello, I was like, they probably can't see. So for me, I was like, I am a trained comedian, So everybody's not gonna like the joke. Everybody's not gonna like that, or they might have liked the joke, hated the outfit, hated the hair, whatever it is. These days, but I have seen so many content creators forget what they were originally

You don't have time.

And now this this page that used to be about hair and protective styles has now become just like attack of the comment section. Whenever reality, if you get to a point where you're popular enough, people that are down for you will attle people in your comment section like they will do the dirty work for you. You just need to move on to the next video, to the next idea, that's the next thing, because you'll forget why you wanted to present yourself on the Internet.

I have found absolutely no you're you're absolutely right. I got on before I got into television film.

I was an athlete. I play in the NFL for four years.

The first thing they tell you is do not watch sports television because if you go watch sports television or you're going to be reminded of of whatever mistake the person watching thinks you made. So for example, and they tell you this with football all the time, the people

I took the same approach.

When it came to doing TV film, and the same approach of doing social media.

I told Kadean from the very beginning. Stop reading the comments.

The people who are looking to comment are probably trolls number one, but probably don't even know what you're trying to portray. They just want to find something to nitpit because they have nothing to do. If you spend time arguing with them, you've taken away from the message you were trying to portray. Anyway, exactly, get your message across. Make a video, then make another video, then make another video, and before you know it, all the trolls on that one page will be going anyway.

And it has worked like clockwork.

I don't pay no attention to comments because you know what's funny, everybody's entitled to make a comment. Who am I to tell you that you can't comment on my page. That's the reason why I started a page right to get social commentary. So if someone don't like my joke, or like the video, or like what I'm wearing, you're entitled to that opinion. I am mad at you, Like that's your opinion, I'm still tomorrow.

Now you got the video on the algorithm to gage that movie engage honey, that that video got a ring, honey, because people, I'm sure there are We've made so much content over the years, so there are people arguing on videos from three, four or five years ago. At this point, absolutely, you couldn't even keep up with every cause it's it's and they smell blood in the water too. So if you try to just comment from one person, they could be like, ooh, I got Kiddingen's attention, let me now,

That would be my price, just right, and don't start altering, right, and don't start altering your content to what people are saying in the comments, because then you're losing the authenticity of why you even have people follow you to begin with.

Right, Yeah, I think that was the biggest message when when you said Amber, is that people will lose sight of why they got on social media anyway just to defend one video. Yes, and now I'm no longer here getting the content on what it is sad to see, but that's human nature. I watched the same thing. In sports. You no longer want to play receiver. Now you want to prove that you can be quarterback. Just to prove that the quarterback threw you the ball wrong in that

Yeah, and then you miss.

It out on that money bag. That's that's what you really don't know, because because I talk to so many creators, they're like, I haven't had a brand deal of years. I'm like, girl, you're showing hood fights in Baltimore.

What browd? That's the whole thing.

You're not marketable anymore because you're arguing with people in every video.

Something that I loved learning as a teacher is going back when you're like, who's the star of this video? Was that centering it not around a person, but around the great thing. So there's this great writer, a great teacher called The Courage to Teach by Parker Palmer, and he says people argue teacher centered classroom, student centered classroom. No, it should be what he calls the great thing. So if it's mathematics, center everything around mathematics our page. The

No, I think, to be honest, I think I love first of all what Amber said about focusing on what you do. But then what Ben said about the great thing. I love that because that's a that's a different perspective that we haven't been able to articulate. But it's literally what we do. We don't we don't make it about even one of us. We make it about whatever the messages in.

The video video.

Yeah, but also this is a good time to take a break because when we come back, we heard y'all also do listener letters like we do.

Oh do you give advice? We have time we prob about two of.

Them or one, because this is do you have people writing in entire discaar?

I mean, this is.

A memoir, a whole memoir.

And the thing is it's probably on us because sometimes they gave us small paragraphs and we're like, we don't have any context. We can't give you, guys, any hour two cents because we don't know what you're trying to say.

Well, cut to this dissertation over here.

What we're gonna do is take a quick break, pay some bills. I gotta pay some bills, and when we come back, we're going to jump into this listening letter because I want to see how y'all would break down this.

Yeah, Amber and Ben stick around so we can see if we can help this person out. All right, All right, Amber and Bang you're still there.

Oh yeah, I get these people. It's getting these people business real quick, you know, saying.

Let me read this book real quick. Okay.

Hi to Valiant K love you both and have been following your journey since Black Love so proud of the growth. I'll try to give you the context and quick bullet points followed by my question. I'm twenty eight, a black woman with a college degree, no kids, a full time job, a business that I own, a few side hustles in my own car. Wow, my boyfriend, you got time for a boyfriend with all that. My boyfriend of almost three years is thirty four, no kids, drives and works a

I'm almost just.

I'm also just not used to my partner being my closest friend within proximity, which sounds pathetic at my big age, all of my close friends are states away, and I really have time funds to visit them as much as i'd like. You got five jobs and three hustles and you can't visit your friends.

What kind of side the hustles you got?

She's maybe hustling. She hustling enough, she's busy hustling.

I've tried making new friends, which sucks as an adult in my opinion, but there's usually an undertone of envy disrespect. They take advantage of me in some way while personalities just don't mesh. Well, what advice do you have for someone in my situation? How can I improve my social life both in and outside of my relationship?

Thanks? Abut love you both. We love you too. Sorry.

I really tried to make it not too long. M let me go, let's hear wallins.

Yeah, what's y'all think?

I have opinions? So I'm gonna I'm gonna use a phrase from a book called The Relationship Cure. It's a very helpful book, but in there they use the term emotional bids. And basically, it's this idea that you put it. You've been sounds like this woman has been putting a bid out there, an emotional bid. So I'm bidding, hey, let's do this thing. And what will happen is someone doesn't want to hang out with you. They'll be like, uh yeah, all right, yeah, maybe whatever. They won't give

No, like you have to give up fund I'm sorry.

It's and the data proves it like emotional bids is a huge indicator of like lasting friendships and relationships, Like there's data behind this emotional bid, So you're doing it, he's not returning. So that's my idea on the romantic relationship.

Yeah, it's emotional.

It's hard because it sounds to me if I listened correctly that she moved to the city to be with him. Yes, So if I moved to your city to be with you and you can't take me down to the cheesecake factory one night and get off that game, and I've asked you, I've given ten bids and you've knocked me down each time, I might have to start packing boxes me personally because I gave up friends, my hometown. Maybe I used to be a block away from my mama.

That's wild.

But for the friendship thing, I would definitely recommend I would write down a list of like five activities that I to do. Oh, I'm sorry.

Talking about talking about my bad. My bad. I just wanted to correct you. She didn't move there for him.

She said she moved there solely for work, So I think she might have moved there for work and met him. And the only reason why I say that because then it's not his responsibility to make sure that she has a social life.

I would agree with the movies is why I cut you off. But go ahead, make sure we got that correct.

Yes I misspoke. I would definitely I agree with you. I think it is not his responsibility to facilitate your social life. What I would do if I was hurt, I would write down about three to four hobbies that I have of things I like to do, and I would go to those things by myself. I'm a big yoga girl, so I started going to the yoga studio by myself, started slowly making friends at the studio, and then I was up there, one doing something that I

You right, what did they do? Right?

Yo? I two things.

First thing, the emotional big thing makes sense though, Right if a god likes you and you keep putting out hey, I would like to do this. How hey, I would like to do this, and they can never find time typically because they're not that into you.

That's that's the truth.

The second thing is she says she got a full time job, a business she owned, and several hustles, but she don't got money to travel and see her friends.

That don't make sense to me, because you.

Don't have a bad if you don't have she hustling backwards. It sounds like she's putting more money into her businesses than she is putting into her herself.

Right, It's like it's even just based off of what we read, it's just giving busy work. It looks like she's running around in circles and she has no clear like like there's no real actual tasks as they're being achieved other than running around in the circles. Because I just got dizzy even about reading the whole the whole thing.

Right, because she didn't tell you what the business was, I was like, what's the business? Because it was a lot of her what's the business?

She said, a business she owned and several hustles plus a full time job. Which one thing I will say is she a go getter that also tell her about her personality. When she wants something, she gonna go get it. So when she say to her boyfriend, I want to go do this, if you don't want to do it, she's gonna be upset.

What she really needs to do is find someone who.

Is just as much of a go getter as she is, so she don't got to fight with him on doing things she wants to do.

That would be my advice.

Yeah, like sign up for a business class, sign up for a new business owners class, and then make some friends there. But I've never hung out with a new friend and felt jealousy for them or them jealous for me. That's the one.

Like jealousy and envy off the bat.

Yeah, it does make me wonder what kind of energy you're giving out there, especially if your people are not You know, you can't attract honeywoo a big What do you say you can't attract bes with vinegar?

Yeah?

So girl, first of all, shout out to Triple Triple, talk about you. She learned how to play video games because some man played video games. No, she's gonna be terrible at the video games and gonna be mad that you playing video games with him.

And you messing up his school break up.

Anyway, I'm gonna disagree slightly with you. Uh So, recently I bought a Nintendo Switch and ambers like, I don't play video games. I'm like, we're doing something different tonight because I want to spend time with you and video games are important artistic endeavors for me. And so I was like, I was like, you are going I like literally because I like spending time with her. So if someone likes I like doing things and I likes people that I like to try the things that I like.

And then I was like, Okay, we're gonna order some wings after this, give me a little outside.

Yeah. But that's but that's our relationship as far as the go. It sounds your phrase like hustling backwards. It's interesting when people are go getters but they're not getting you know, like those are like I'm a go getter, but you're not getting anything. It's like, are you a go getter?

Like you're just.

Imagine if this person listened like so anxiously, like yes, they finally chose my letter.

She at the house like, no, no, listen, this is now here's the funny part.

Right.

When you got two people, well two couples where they speak candidly with each other, we're gonna speak candidly with everybody, like that's just the bottom line. I'm not going to say anything to you that I wouldn't say to my wife or wouldn't expect my wife to say to me, because I could tell you right now if I told Okay that I had a part time job and for side hustles, but I ain't had no money, she would honestly say to me, nigga, what the.

Fuck are you doing?

Come home, come home, recalibrate and figure this out, because whatever you're doing is not work.

It's not working.

That's what she would say to.

Feel like people writeing and they feel like we're kind of like friends, right, so we have and we're in a little friend circle, and this is your friend circle girl telling you stop just go get in and just go go get and then not just go.

Also, also, it is hard to move to a different city right and find people like you have to create a village that doesn't That's not easy.

It's not an easy tak Yeah.

I think that's where Amber's advice comes in, Like go to places that you enjoy, doing things that you like, and then you'll find probably like minded people.

In a sense, you don't you know what probably happened there. She probably invited one of them new friends to brush and then try to combine these hustles with the fresh and be like girl, you know, I still a seam off's girl, and the friend Frid's.

She don't want to support your business, and now she's jealous because she don't want to buy your off.

I was getting fresh. Tell me if you try to sell me off.

If there is only like some online website that allows you to connect with other people on shared hobbies, I don't know, like maybe meet up or like a million of other bumbles.

For friendships.

They have that.

Yeah, I'm so glad.

That means you haven't been on the apps in a while. Good answer, great answer.

I don't think we've ever been on a dating appeas years ago.

Yeah, that's when we started dating.

The trenches and he lives to see another day and he's still here.

Happened and happy to go through it too. You better say that period love.

It wouldn't rather be anywhere else.

Period.

What we also loved, though, was having y'all to day on the Showy hour.

Went by so quick. I'm like, oh my god, I can't.

Believe we're like a No, I can't believe it was an hour already.

Wow, Oh my goodness.

Well, I want you guys to close out by telling everybody all y'all business, where they can find you, where they can follow, where they can tune in, where they can listen, give them all the tea because amb we had such a great time with y'all today.

Y'all are hilarious.

Yay, thank you we did. Good man. You might get something tonight.

Get something to play card.

You better go get some period. They got some wings for.

After yet, right, and I'm not above wings after six, so take some up period wings wings, wings. Yes, y'all been together.

Y'all know that we get make it spicy. Literally.

Oh if I could tell y'all something, I can tell you some things that are happening in this house with wings and sects.

Oh my gosh, it don't even be me though, Yes, it don't even be me. It'd be hurt be.

Asked with a spice baby, right, what you gotta do?

Okay?

Yeah, yeah, very longer. We need some tips for those listen who want a little bit more of us. You can follow me on all social handles, from TikTok to Instagram at Burr Underscore I am so b you are our underscore I am, and we host Fly on the Wiland podcast together. We're actually going on tour soon. Our first tour day is going to be in New York City on October twenty fifth. So if you're in New York for New Jersey or you know in that little circuit, you can say all, I'm from the South. If you're

Also we live in.

La but Burr I am and Fly on the Wiland. Thank y'all so much.

And I just want to say, as a union, thank y'all so much. I just want to.

Say, they got four they got four kids. Man.

As a Union delegate, y'all did an episode on SAG and the importance of unions and honestly like that is amazing work that you're doing. It was funny.

So thank you so much.

No, seriously, like I feel like there's not enough people who are giving full context and anybody who wants to understand unions in a very like clear direct way not too heady and also laugh like you need to listen to that episode that y'all did, so thank you.

So much for I appreciate that.

Man Manday listeners know to listen today's show. But but yes, thank you so much.

I know.

I'm just saying, like, if you missed that.

One us our flower.

There to listen to dead Ass podcast, Well, I was just very it just warmed my heart.

It did warm my heart to hear great.

Yeah, anyway, thank you receive those flowers.

I love.

We appreciate y'all.

Y'all.

Thank y'all so much for joining us today. You back in the future.

All right, y'all, we're coming back. Thank y'all.

It's wild for us.

We will we will all right, take care of y'all. All right, moment for in Ben today. You know what my moment of truth is that Amber and Ben made me feel that much more normal in this social social media space.

I know we've been doing it for seven years. It's been a while.

It feels like a long as seven years, and so much has happened, But it's just refreshing to see another couple who can laugh at themselves and joke at themselves and not take things too seriously andnot be bogged down by the weight of the world and everything that's going on, and they can just laugh, they can share, they can put it out there, and people take what they want

I agree.

I think there was something that Ben and Amber said to me that made the most sense, which'll be my moment of truth, is that when you get into this business of trying to be a quote unquote example, being an example doesn't mean you have to be perfect. Being example means I can be exactly who I am, and I can be an example that being who I am it's perfectly fine. I love that with all the flaws and everything so shout out.

To whoever's going will support regardless, like y'all, thank you so much for listening. I love how when we have listener letters too, like yeah, it's always starts with someone like giving us our flowers, right, Yes, so we appreciate y'all for that.

We love y'all for it. Thank y'all for listening. We hope you had a great time listening.

If you want to be a featured listener letter, we'll go through all the housekeeping stuff. If you want to be featured as a listener letter, continue to write into us at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com.

That's d e A d A d v I c E at gmail dot com.

And be sure to follow us d e.

A d A s s A d v i c E. I just said dead advice, dead ass advice at Gmail.

I don't even pick up on it this time. Look at that.

But also if you, uh, if you haven't yet, be sure to subscribe and join us on Patreon, where you can get a lot more long form content of the Ellis Family Dead Ass Podcast, exclusive video clips, shoo access to tour tickets, all that good stuff you guys are gonna get only on Patreon, and then you can follow us on social media at dead Ass the Podcast. My page is Kadine I am.

And I am Devout and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review, subscribe, and also get your copy of We Over Meet, The Counterintuitive Approach to doing everything you want in your relationship New York Times bestseller.

Baby Let's Go run it Up, y'all.

Dead Ass

Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and it's produced by Donor Opinya and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and Never Miss a Thing