I learned this from my grandmother. Independence doesn't mean loneliness.
Interesting interesting, and mine is I think, contrary to popular belief, now, thanks to social media, not everybody aspires to be a city girl or f boy period.
Dead ass.
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.
You may know us from posting funny videos with.
Our voice and reading each other publicly as a form of therpy.
Wait. I make you need therby most days. Wow.
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics.
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. That ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, were actually saying facts one hundred, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take pillows off to our whole new level.
Dead ass starts right now.
This story time takes me back to my grandmother, Dela May Perry Ellis. She dropped the may. She's not a Parry, She's an Ellis. Her name was Dela May Perry shout out to Nana, and this was I would have to say it had to be twenty thirteen because Jackson was born. They were living in my parents' basement and I used to come by CANARSI with Jackson all the time, because this is when you were working at max still and I was. I was taking care of Jackson during the day.
So I remember dropped coming by to drop Jackson by because I had some clients to take care of and I was dropping them by my dad and we went downstairs in the basement. I was talking to Nana and he was like, what's up. She was like, she was just like, what's up? Baby? I was like, what's up? How are you, Nana? She was like, I'm fine. Are you driving a baby off? I said yeah. She was just like, I don't know what it is with these
women these days. I was like, what you mean. She's just like they just seem more concerned about, you know, going to work, going to work, going to work. I ain't never want to go to work, she said. I spent my whole life working. I've been working since I was twelve years old. I couldn't go to high school because I had to work help my parents and help raise my younger siblings. I've always been working. There wasn't a day of my life I woke up saying I
can't wait to get to work today. He's like this whole thing where everybody want to work and go to go to work. Whos gonna be watching the kids?
So Nana was pretty much saying soft life me before soft life was a thing.
Absolutely, she absolutely was saying that. And my grandfather was able to provide her with a soft life after he got promoted to the manager of the factory and they moved to Tennessee. At the time, my aunt was I think in college, so she was like the last child. She was the baby. She was in college, so she was about nineteen twenty. But my nana didn't have to work anymore at that point. And what was crazy to me was that she was saying to me about us.
She was just like, you know, y'all don't get caught up. You know here, y'all talk about money and money, this money. That don't get caught up and chasing on this money and have these kids on in the street. And you know how older people when they get to a point in their life where they just don't care what you think anymore. They're going to tell you because they have wisdom. She was honest. She was just like, yeah, yo, yeah,
young people. Everybody want to go out for self and go out here and make this money, make this money, and their kids be out in the street.
Point.
And she told me, she said, you know, I worked. I worked at nights. Your father, your grandfather worked in the day, so in the daytime when your aunts and uncles came home, they had somebody to come home too. I was here when they came.
Home, and that impacted your mindset. And she said, you wanted the same thing for your kids.
Absolutely. I don't ever remember not being with a family member. When my parents were both working, I got dropped to my aunt Weezie's house, like like family has always been important, and there's always been a matriarch that's always like kind of taking care of everyone. And when I mean everyone, my aunt Weezy took care of my uncle Sam and her daughters, you know, and their kids if they had there. Because my cousin Lisa had a baby very young, so
Tasha was her granddaughter. So she took care of Tasha. But then she also took care of the community's kids. So there were other kids in the community came by on Weezy's house after school, plus me and my brother, you know what I'm saying. So there was always a matriarch. And my grandmother said to me one of the greatest disservices done to the family was everybody going out there thinking they had to make money. That's what she said to me.
The shoes on my feet, I bought them, clothes I'm wearing. God, I'm rocking because I depend on me. If I wanted to watch that you'm lyt because I want to be able to buy it too. The house I live in, I bought it. The car I'm driving, I depend on me. So, oh, my.
Ladies, independent throw your hands off that love that sole question.
I remember as you look at the lyrics of this song, I'd be like, I don't necessarily want to buy my own diamonds and my own rings. I want the ability to be able to do that, but I don't really want to do that.
So let me be honest with you. That's just you know, they're starting to come at certain people, artists or artists exactly where you're going with They're coming at you know, rappers, saying like, you're not really a thug. While you're acting like a thug, you're not acting You're not really a thug. This is all the fake, right. It was like, Beyonce, you want to be independent, but you married somebody who was a bit like on his way to be a billionaire.
But she's very well, that's my point.
Though she be there too, But that's my point. She wants she still did that, But I still married somebody who was who made more money than her, who still makes more money than her, which proves the point that a woman who has her own still could want that life. Oh for sure, I understand what I'm saying.
She is me, I am her.
You are not Beyonce.
Cha. I'm not saying I'm Beyonce per.
But you are not.
I'm not, but I'm not. But if you want, I can get the drawl and talk like they do down there to You.
Already put on the leotard when I asked you not to. I asked you to put on a cheerleader outfit with curly hair. You put on the.
Leotard because saying is is the fact that I have earning potential and am very well doing it. For myself and on my own, but it's that much better doing it with a man.
Well, that's the point.
Who's doing it together.
That's what we're gonna talk about today.
Well, ship, we talked about paying buying diamonds and all that, So we can't do that. And if we don't pay, no bills over y'all? All right, So let's let's, you know, cap the discussion for now. Will pay these bills? Are you gonna pay from your account? Or I won't pay for my account.
I only know one account. You have your own account. All my stuff goes to the family anyway, So say.
It's all the same time. Well, we're gonna play these ads, let somebody else pay for it.
How about paying.
That's not mean, you know what I'm trying to say. We can get paid that part. We'll be back, y'all.
All right, now we're back. I ask some questions Quattion.
Just for me, really were what Nana said was absolutely true, Because it's funny. I saw a video on one of these social media platforms that the person was ranting and was just like, who exactly asked for women to be able to have the right to work. I don't want to work soft life. Me let me find somebody who lets me be a stay at home mom, wife, housekeeper, whatever.
It wasn't mean when was somebody like ranting and they were just like who asked for the like who wants to get up and go to work every day because they have to? I think it's a thing where some women want the ability to decide whether or not they want to.
Well, that's what I wanted to ask you, like the like when we think about independent or every woman was singing about independence, Yeah, right, when the actuality is it should have been singing about interdependence because women are fighting for the right to be able to do that when they want to the same way men are fighting. Men have been able to do what they want to do in this country and this world for forever. Women want to be able to have the same latitude.
It's absolutely what we've been fed. Like I think about my generation specifically and what I was fed from my mom and the women around me. My mom was always a proponent of you're going to go out there and you're going to have your own You're going to always have your backup plan in the event that things go awry with you and whoever you end up being with.
You should be self sufficient. You should also be someone who can add to and bring value to your spouse and your family, not someone And then this is financially now. She wasn't even talking about just being a caretaker. She wasn't talking about investing time in children. It was strictly fiscally fiscal advice she was giving me. She said, you need to be in a position where you're able to do this with or without a companion, and.
Being an adult pretty much.
Yeah, but with being an adult, yeah, that's essentially that's it. But I think as I got older and she saw, like we started dating and stuff like that, it was probably a bit intimidating for her to see, like, Okay, so Deval is dating this boy Kadeen. I mean, Kadeen is dating this boy Devo and he is now in the NFL, so that means that he is earning a
lot more money than she is. For her, it was a trigger for me to move to Detroit with you, to then be dependent on you because I didn't have a job at the time, I had no income right So for her, it was me relinquishing what she thought I think was just control, relinquishing the ability to be able to provide for myself or to bring something to our relationship that was tangible and lucrative, because then all the balls were in your court and you were the
one that was able to then provide for me. So I couldn't make a decision or make a move in her mind without me having to ask for permission, right or having to ask for an allowance and things like that, which was very much a real thing back in the NFL. There were some wives who so openly about you know, I'm at home, i don't work, I'm raising the kids, or i'm pregnant or whatever, but I get an allowance
from my husband. And that was a triggering word because you put allowance anything having to do with someone allowing you to do something can potentially be an issue because you feel like you said stifle or you feel like you're being controlled. So that's something that I was fed early on, was having to be independent. Interdependence was not a thing I don't think, or never spoken of. That
was spoken of. There was an idea that, yeah, you would meet somebody eventually and you can build a life together, but that was never the focus. And I think that's almost it's like falling into the trap of what you've been fed as a child, the same way I was fed the narrative or the notion of you know, don't go to a HBCU because the world is not HBCU. The world is not all black. You have to learn how to interact with and deal with people of all
different races and genders and sexist and classes. So you can't just limit yourself by going to an HBCU. And here I am regretting every minute that I didn't get to go jump up in a drum line, because you know,
I missed out on that experience and that culture. So it's a cultural thing, and it's definitely a socioeconomic thing that we are instilling in women and women that women particularly have to have their own and it's usually centered around not having to depend on a man for the things that you want and need, gotcha.
So independence for me, when I have to think about just the music in general, right, think about scrubs bills. What used to be confusing for me, right was you got independent women, but then you got bills, bills, bills, right, So you want independence, but then you're asking if I can pay your bills? And then women are wondering why men are confused about what you want. As a woman,
you understand what I'm saying. So when I think about like the confusing messages that are being sent to the youth or being sent to people, it makes me realize that we as a community of people have to actually start looking at the facts and not listening to what
people are saying in the media. Right because other than music, now you have a group of podcasts, right and if you know, shout out dead as podcasts because I feel like we do a great job of trying to stay in our lane of what it is and not getting involved in a bunch of the bullshit. But if you open up your social media in this day and age, the first thing you see, depending on who you follow, is young black men and young black women arguing about
who's that fault for the state of Black America. Right, And there's some argument that right, we love to argue it, and we love to argue about why black people aren't getting married, when in fact that's not even the truth. Black people are getting married at a higher rate today than they were in the seventies, two times more than they were in the seventies. So fifty years ago, black people weren't getting married at a rate as they were today.
But here we are arguing about something that's not even real. We're arguing about a narrative that's not real. And I think a large part of that is how we communicate to one another what we're looking for. So, for example, when black men here independent women, they automatically assume that women are talking about I got all my degrees, I make all my money. I don't need you for anything, but I want you to pay all my bills because
that's what you should be doing as a man. But just know that I don't need it, and if you're going to be with me in this relationship, you need to be paying all my bills. Why I keep on my money to myself when realistically that's not even the messaging that black women are trying to send to black men, and in reality, that's not how marriages are working. It's more about interdependence and not independence. And interdependence is extremely
different because that's a person. And since we're talking about women and interdependence, that is a woman coming to be a part of a team, which means you depend on me, but I also depend on you. That's what creates a marriage, that's what creates the team aspect, being of service to each other. And if you look at some of these facts and stats right In twenty eighteen, researchers surveyed over twelve hundred single and married women between thirty to forty
five years old. Forty four percent of single women respond is ranked living on their own as the number one priority. Thirty four percent ranked establishing a career as their top priority, so that's number two. Twenty seven ranked financial security as the most important, and then for single women, get married was the number one priority for only twenty percent, which means it still wasn't even that high, but it was.
And then it says followed by twelve percent said getting a promotion at work in ten percent who said moving to a new state and or a community.
I'm surprised that living on their own is the number one priority, but I guess living in their own I guess that again speaks to being independent, right, having your own.
That's the little phase of life that I said I missed out on was having that moment where I just felt like, man, I can do this on my own, and taking pride in that and being able to be self sufficient and sustain a lifestyle that you want for yourself, or also being able to say, you know what, because I went from from my parents' house essentially to yours, and I never had a moment where I could be like, well, you know what, we ain't getting along right now, you
go back to your place, because I, you know, can be the ruler of what happens here because it's my place. So I think that speaks to the idea of women wanting to be independent in that sense where there's not a reliance on anyone or anything.
Which I understand. But you know what also crazy here to me when I look at this right it says thirty four percent rank establishing a career as a top priority, but then twenty seven ranked financial security. So more women were looking to establish a career than be financially secure, which means they're more focused on the titles. Yeap, titles are important. Titles are a number.
Of people who I know now that may not even have you know, large salaries that they're making, but can tell you how many masters and doctorate degrees they have just to have them.
So this is the crazy part.
Like lifelong students.
Checking that out just because black women and I'm reading this, it's part of another study. Just because Black women are more likely to graduate from college than their male counterparts doesn't mean that they out earn Black men. Actually, black men are more likely than Black women to bring home at least seventy five thousand dollars annually. Also, double the number of black men than women make at least two
hundred and fifty thousand dollars annually. Because the pervasive gender gaps and income, black men remain the bread winners in the black community. So the reason why I bring this up is because if you hear a lot of these conversations happen on social media, right, the first thing that women may argue younger women and I'm going to say younger women because and I'm going to say younger, more immature women, because the more mature wise women aren't having these conversations.
I don't think this is our generation. It's not and our generation. If anything, I have had rev relations since their twenties, Yes, because they definitely shared some of the mindset of the women nowadays who are in their twenties. Then I can be a testimony to that I was a very immature twenty seven year old when Developed presented me with do you want the wedding or the house?
And I was like, I want both, and you think you have to pick one and I might give me the day, And you know, there were just so many different things that now I'm looking at through a completely different lens.
And it's not just women who are falling victim to this, because men oftentimes find themselves being intimidated and defensive when they hear a woman has degrees, not realizing that you
can still earn a high income without the degrees. So then a lot of these young immature men are starting to lash out at women with degrees, saying things like, and I've listened to some of these podcasts, or you think you better me just because you got a degree, and I'm just like, no, she's listing what she's accomplished. You may feel a way because she may has accomplished,
she may have accomplished more than you academically. So now because you feel a way, you're projecting your insecurity on her. And y'all are arguing about something that doesn't even correlate to what brings money into the household. Because black men are still the breadwinners in our community, which I like to point this out because a lot of these arguments aren't rooted in truth, facts or numbers. They're rooted in emotion,
they're rooted in insecurity, and they're also rooted in youth. Well, I can't blame a young twenty year old or mid twenty year old person for having these feelings and emotions. And I'm glad you brought that up because we've had plenty of friends over the last ten years who in their twenties got married and was preaching one thing, oh man, and then now they're in their thirties and they're either divorced, remarried, or looking and their outlook on life is completely different.
A lot of my you know, female counterparts who were like down't need it, don't need it for that I can walk away, I don't go to I don't got to are lonely and looking for somebody again because that single life just wasn't doing it for them, you know, and that person who they were with, you know, definitely was not their person in that you know, like very well within their right to walk away from a relationship
that that no longer serve them. However, quickly realized that, like man, I do want to be interdependent with someone. I don't want to be the independent woman that I thought I wanted to be. I just was in the relationship that was stifling me and whatever a way, shape or form. So the recognizing of that, I think, is where the tide starts to shift. And like you said, it comes with maturity, for sure.
For sure. So let's check out some more stats. In nineteen seventy, thirty five point six percent of Black women and twenty seven point seven percent of black men and twenty seven point seven percent of Black women were never married. But by twenty twenty, these percentages have had jumped to fifty one point four percent of Black men and forty seven percent for Black women. So Black women are almost getting married at twice the rate as they were in
the seventies. While the percentage of all adults who were never married increased by seven point six percent percentage points for men and seven point nine percentage points for women, the corresponding change for Black adults was more than double that, at fifteen point eight percent points for men and nineteen point eight for women.
Wow, so there's still value in marriage for Black people. Absolutely, there's definitely right. You let a couple people say it, or if you find a couple people around a mic doing a podcast, they'll be like, no, you know, but you cannot isolate the idea or you cannot generalize the idea based off of just that.
But there's a good point here. They said, while the percentage of people who never married were only seven point six percent for all adults, for men, it was fifteen point eight percent points for black men, right, which shows you, even though we're less of the population, there's a higher rate of Black men who are not getting married. But there are also there are also mitigating factors to these numbers, right, for example, And I know people hate when you bring
up these things, but this is the truth. Institutional and systemic racism, incarceration, right, the inability to get access to resources to marry properly. For example, it costs money to get married, and if you're constantly pushed in a state of poverty, it's a lot more difficult to legally get married. So a lot of those numbers are correlated to what we have to deal with as black people, for sure.
But the bottom line is is this, more Black people are getting married than not, So this argument that black people don't value marriage and the black family is on the crisis, it's fake because there are more black people getting married in the twenty twenties than there were in the nineteen seventies, and the nineteen seventies was considered a renaissance for black love and black empowerment, right after the civil rights moving in the late nineteen.
Sixies for sure, and then the ability just to you know, enter into these kind of unions that became a thing, you see what I'm saying. And if you weren't that, or if you weren't you know, married by a certain age, it's like, well, what the hell's going on with you?
Right?
You know, because we still have grandparents and elders who look to people who are younger nowadays and be like, well, what's what's wrong with you? What's going on with such and such? He ain't found a way yet, went through so many chicks came in and out of here, and still don't find one yet.
I think it's important, especially for this relationship, to discuss messaging because young kids are going to be swayed based on social media, not even so much mass media, but music and social media. And when you look at the arguments people are having, and people are arguing the exceptions, they're not arguing the rules.
That's typically for shock values places.
The idea that black women aren't desirable or desirable by black men, and black men don't love black women. Right, the argument that black women don't value and don't respect black men was all debunked as a lie because eighty five percent of the black men who are married in this country are married to black women.
I believe it.
And the crazy thing is people will then say, well, the more money a black man makes, the more likely he is to marry outside of his race, which is false because triple and I looked up. I think this was four years ago. As black men made more money, made over one hundred thousand, two hundred thousand, the rate that they hired black women was also higher, which I also want to point out because this argument that we don't respect and don't love and don't honor each other
is just not real. It's not true. It's just an argument that certain people in certain groups are having in because that argument is.
The loudest, the loudest.
Minority people are saying that that argument is what's happening, and it's truly not.
People have to really learn to not take things to say at face value because for that reason, the loud minority is typically what it is, and they're the ones that are trying to create or have created, this narrative that people are completely bought into. And at this point in the game, children who are wan't say children, but they people in their twenties, for example, I don't even know if they're equipped to be able to debunk any
of that at all, you know. So that's why you know you're not having a podcast like this or platforms like black Love and things like that. They're so necessary for us to be able to say, Hey, guys, just think about it from this perspective for a second.
I'm glad you brought that up to I have a question for you.
Yeah, do you.
Believe oh this is actually a great question. Trouble, do you believe a woman can be both independent and interdependent?
You're looking at her absolutely, I mean, why could you not? The thing I think that is the key factor for being both independent and interdependent is having a spouse who empowers you. Wait.
Wait, wait, that's the next question. Don't go into that. That's the next question. Don't go into that. How can a woman don't don't I want to ask that question next. I want to give you right because I also want to ask because that question is next. But how can a woman prepare to be independent before they even get before they even get to a spouse because you said finding a spouse boom, But how can a woman prepare to be both independent and interdependent?
I think I was about to say, it's a mindset she has already already be brought into. You have to know that I've already done X, y Z to get
to this point in my career. If that's something that you desire, you know, whatever title it is that you're looking to have, however many degrees you're able to have, you need to do that on your own, and if anything, nothing more than to prove to yourself that you were able to do it, but also knowing and that's the independent part of it, but also knowing that you do aspire to share this with someone. I'm not doing all of this just for myself or I aspire to have children.
So therefore, by being independent and being self sufficient, now I can find someone who is of equally yoked. Right that can then add to that and we can then be interdependent on each other to then build this life even further.
Okay, okay, I got that. Okay, the next one. Right, Do you believe that men in general are truly interdependent in relationships?
Do I think that men are truly interdependent in relationships in general? In general? I would say, well, my example is thinking about like, I don't think, for example, men men have to want to be in a relationship to be interdependent, because I feel like anybody, man or woman can be self sufficient on that eily, So the desire has to be for the man to desire interdependency. Do I want to share this with someone? Am I coming along with someone for the ride of life? And that's
when I think interdependency for men becomes an aspiration. There's some men that don't want that.
I would say this as a man, I feel like men traditionally work to be interdependent. Everything we do is based on team. We play sports is based on team with our friends, our friends groups, everything's based on team. So we are traditionally bred to be interdependent. The issue is is gender.
Roles right or romance? Being romantically involved with someone?
No no, no, no no, not not romance. I mean as far as like interdependent means we're in a relationship, we
work together. But the problem with men traditionally is that we then put gender roles on how we're going to be interdependent, which means, yeah, we're going to be interdependent, but I'm going to do all things a man is supposed to do, and you're supposed to do everything a woman is supposed to do, which means even if we want to be interdependent and you're you want to work, they're often a lot of times there are men who become intimidated, especially if their women values their women values
work in that moment more than being at home. Okay, you see what I'm saying that. So it's like we are willing to be interdependent, but then we want interdependence to look the way we traditionally want it to look. And I think that's where the disconnect has happened between men and women. Because this change also comes socioeconomically, right.
More women have been infused into the workplace as we need more dual income householmes over the last fifty years, which means more women have to work, like they just have to work. So since more women have to work, more men are saying you see what I'm saying. So it's like a woman is like, if I have to work, I'm going to do something I love, going to find a career. Then they get engrossed in their career, and then a man feels like, wait a minute, we're supposed
to do this together. You were supposed to take a break to do this while I do this. And then she's like, wait a minute, my career doesn't say that I can take a break right now while you want me to take the break. Maybe kids can wait a little bit. Then it's like, I don't want to wait on kids. I want to have kids right now. And that's where the conflict comes in because the interdependence is there from men, but we oftentimes try to control dependent.
And that's so that's why you jumped in when I said what I said, because you empower me to be independent within this interdependent relationship. Yes, right, No, I can see that as a as a as a way, but I feel like also too, a lot of men are just not rushing into being interdependent, like they don't necessarily want when I said being romantically involved, like you have to romantically want to be involved with someone to then choose to be in a relationship, which is in turn dependent.
A lot of men are not necessarily desiring that for that reason. They just don't want to have to be.
Locked down, lockdown Like for them, it's like I don't want to relinquish any control, you know, like for us, we weren't. This is another thing that we haven't discussed is how young ladies are conditioned to receive or find romance. Right for women, it's like I have to be chosen, you know, I have to sit down, wait, be dainty, be chosen. For a man, it's like I can go out and content her. I can go pick and choose,
pick and choes try, try, try, pick and choose. But if a woman tries to be chosen with a multiple people, then she's labeled. So it's almost like dang, I as a woman, if I'm a woman, don't even have the same opportunity to find a mate to be interdependent with.
I have to hope the right mate chooses me. And I think that's where there's also a conflict between men and women because women are like nowadays, women are like I'm not gonna sit back and just let you walk by with all of these different people if I want to see something, I'm gonna go get it on my own, you know what I'm saying. And to be honest, I think that's where the independence comes with the interdependent intered.
You were always wanted to be The minute we met and you said, what do you want to do with your life? You said how we going to get there? Yeah, you were always going to be interdependent, but you was independent in the fact that you were like, I'm not going to sit back and wait to be chosen. I'm gonna go out there and get what i want from my career, get what I want from my love life. And I feel like that is the new recipe for the modern woman. And that's why, you know, we started
off with independence versus interdependence. I don't think that there is a and that's why I'm glad when I read this question. I don't think that there is a choose one or the other.
Right. That's where soft life became became a thing. You hear people talk about soft women just like soft life me like, I'm no longer subscribing to team No Sleep. I'm not subscribing to independent women. Throw your hands up at no, I'm not doing that. I want the soft life. How do you get achieve the selt life? Essentially, most people want the self by being able to offload some things, sometimes onto a partner, so that way I can have
those soft moments. That's not the rhetoric that was being spilled to me, like my mother been doing like softly. What does that even? What does that even mean? What does that look like? You need to be a go getter, You need to be ambitious, you know, And naturally that's what drew you to me though that you didn't look at me and be like, oh, well, she's just somebody
who's gonna sit back and chill. She's somebody who's going to get all the things that she wants, and she would make a dope ass partner.
I'm glad you brought that up because I'm about to debunk something that people often say. I'm a debunker because this is be annoying the fuck out of me. But this is the this is like the worst take I've ever seen. I've seen so many men and women, black, white, all say this, men are intimidated by strong, go getting women. That is not true. Take a look at all of the men in my life who are married, my parents
generation and our generation. All of those men seek out women who were strong go getters to help build a life.
True, very true.
Think about and the ones that we know who had women who were like kind of meek, and then they did not last They didn't like. Think of all of the women in my life. Think of all of the women in your life. Think of all of our friends. All of our friends are married to women who are strong go getters. Every man that I know who is with a woman that dad was like, that could be my wife, said that that could be my wife because they all said this, now she'd be going to getting it.
So this idea that a strong, intelligent, go getting black women are not desirable is also fake. It's not a real narrative.
But is it? Is it intimidating for a man who may not have his shit together?
It is? It is. But let's be real, though, why are you, as a strong, independent go getting black women, seeking the company of an insecure meek man.
Because you might be dropping good, big go off who knows the reasons? You know.
We saw the other meme to be quite mean, right, We saw a meme that said broke niggas give the best dick so here you have a lot of you have a lot of women who have their own make their own money, who only see men for what they can provide in that moment, which is sex. But you keep choosing the same type of man and then using that as your litmus test for how all men? Because you keep choosing the same type of insecure.
Men and then complaining about it and saying it's all men and welcoming us to your ted talk that then becomes a podcast that then becomes the loud minorities.
You see what I'm saying. Yeah, it's the same way men who are insecure who don't want a strong woman will date a woman like that and use them as an example, like, see, it didn't work out with us because she was doing this. You keep dating the wrong type of women, my guy, And then when you get a women like you said you asked for, I just want women to be quiet, let me be a man. You know what they call them women gold diggers to think about it.
Gold diggers or it's like, nah, I'm a married this girl because you know she a little younger. I could train her to be what I needed to be. And then it don't work out because you know.
See, I'm not gonna lie to you that whole. I don't think that training thing is a fake too. It's because I'm gonna say it's fake because younger women are allowed to say they they older men so they can learn. They say that all the time. I can't. I can't date niggas my age, the niggas my names, don't know shit. I want to learn from an older man. But then if an older man says he likes dating younger women because they're more malleable, women get upset.
They were dragging Marcus Houston. I know, well he had married his wife young, she was young or something.
They were dragging him, I believe, because they say this is all speculation. We don't know. They were saying that he groomed her or something like that from time she was thirteen, like they met that because they were saying that she they got married when she was she was nineteen, but he was in his thirties and he knew her for years before that, so they're saying it is that grooming. Now, we don't know those people, so I'm not going to
give an opinion on what that is. But the truth of the matter is, if you met a woman who was under the age of eighteen, and y'all were friends for all that time and then you get married the minute they come become of age. It does seem like you were praying on them when you were more mature enough to tell them what they needed to hear. That's what it looks like. Like. You can say what you want to say, but that's literally what it looks like. I mean, they said the same thing about what's his
name who married Kimora Lee? Oh yeah, Russell Simmons. Like Kimora Lee was extremely young. He had first met her when she was a model, when she was fourteen, and a lot of people said that he was grooming her to become his wife.
Maybe not grooming per se, but also like just you know, you know the person, you have a relationship where you see him in passing for years and then finally when it makes sense it can be when they're older.
Absolutely I get it. I mean we don't know the terms of their engagement or when they met, so that's why I don't like to give judgment on that. But based on what people are saying with the age of Marcus Houston, it was that it wasn't just that because she was young. It was how long they knew each other beforehand, and gotcha, she got married with nineteen plus. I mean it's going to sound crazy, right, it's going
to sound crazy. But if you're a young lady and you want to learn about life, right, would you be with another nineteen year old immature person?
Right? I mean you can look at it that way. I mean I was with a guy who is my age, and I think I feel like we're very much part of the anomaly group. Not many are like us, but absolutely yeah. And they were just together, we worked together, and we were a little bit more mature in our mindset from early.
But you were also go getter though, and you're also independent, and I.
Saw that you were goal getter too, and you were working towards something in itself was enough.
It would have been way different though, if you were nineteen saying soft life me, I'm just going to sit here and wait, you know what I'm saying. That's why I feel like the independent aspect of a woman can't be lost. You can't just say soft life me, I'm chilling and waiting for.
Someone to take care of me, or you can't just aspire that be interdependent when you don't necessarily bring.
Bringing me to table. Yeah, you see what I'm saying to me. I think that's what the modern woman looks like. And why why it would be desirable for a man who's choosing also interdependent is because I like the fact that when I when I retired from the NFL officially, Yo, if you gonna get this job and you get insurance, I can focus on this while you do that. You know what I'm saying that that little bit of break well, wife, he's gonna get us insurance. I was like, how much
money you're gonna be making? Okay, you hold on to that. If I need that at any point as as extra income, I'll hit you. It felt good to be able to have that from my wife, but I know it also felt good as a woman to be able to be like, Okay.
I'm holding it down for the family right now.
I love you know what I'm saying.
I love that for us. Yeah, you know it was a great time because we were able to offload certain things. Plate Like what's better than not having somebody that you can say, hey, i'm having an issue with this, let me upfload this real quick. So I could focus on that while you focus on this. Yep, like it's teamwork, baby, absolute teamwork. All right, let's go take a quick break and get into these listen letters. After we get into ads, we'll be back. All right, now we're back listening letter time.
I go ahead and start can devout. First off, let me start by saying, I absolutely love watching your videos and seeing how you interact with your beautiful family. Thank you.
All right, So boom from New York. When I say so bomb, so.
Boom with two eyes. I'm a thirty year old single mother of two very handsome boys, two and seven. Early last year, I moved myself and my boys from the East Coast to Arizona alone. I've just been promoted to manager for my company. I'm having a hard time finding a great work life balance about feeling like I'm out. I barely have any help from their fathers. Yeah, it's two bozos. I know I'm already judging myself, and none of my family is here. They are in school and daycare.
But I feel like when I get home from work, I literally only have enough energy to cook dinner and prepare everyone for the next day school and work. I am off weekends but spend most of the day in bed, sleep or going to do my hair as I'm a license or doing here as I'm a licensed cosmetologist. I recently put my actual business on the back burner because it was too much to juggle work, kids, doing here, and running my business. I know they say it takes a village, but how do I balance it all when
I'm the only person in this village? Girl, I don't know who. As a mother, I want to be fully there and active for my boys, but their entire everything falls on me and me alone, and I don't and don't get into get Oh sorry, I'm sorry, y'all. Don't get me into dating that's non existent as well. I guess my real question is what tips do you guys have that I can to avoid burnout and also ensure that everything is done even though it's only one person. Sincerely, a tired soul.
This is easy. I've been doing this for Prototype. This is easy. You have to find people in the village that you may not be related to. Think about Prototype, how many kids we had in our house because those were single moms and sometimes the kids need to be picked up.
True.
Then you got Coach Dval coming to pick you up. You got coach Brian coming to pick you up. You got coach Hannah, coach Courtney, like, there are so many willing enable men in these communities who are committed to their community that will help you. Now you have to use discernment and decide who is going to be around your family, because you can't just have anybody around your kids.
You can't just have strangers. You have to be smart enough to look around and see who you can trust in who you can But the truth of the matter is once you move to another location, you have to look around you and find like minds to help build that family, Kadeina, and not do it here. We're in Atlanta. We moved her mom and down, dad down. Yes that does help, but there's still times where it's just like, hey, our neighbor has three kids who are in the same
basketball program. They can grab Jackson from basketball and it'll give mom and dad or rest because we're away filming, you know. So, so look in your community, in your neighborhood and see if you can find some people to help.
Let me tell you when I went to Jackson School for the sneak Peak night, it was the opening night. I was about seven months pregnant with Koda, and I get there and there's parents there with their children and I see you look at all the fifth graders and stuff, and I see this beautiful black family, you know, mom and dad, their son. And I was like, they look like some nice people. So I literally went over to them and I was just like, hey, my name is Kadeen,
nice to meet you. They send it their hands sho hands. Hey, I'm so and so I'm sooning so awesome. This is my son, Jackson. We're new pretty much to Georgia. It's be his first year here and we're looking with some good people and y'all look like good people. So so it's funny because to this day, every time that time of year rolls around, I'm like, y'all, it's our anniversary. This when I bagged you, you know. And it's funny
because they've become such Jackson and this kid they're best friends. Now. The family has been amazing to us. They literally have been like family here. They've spent Christmas here, I mean, and it's nothing like finding like minded individuals who are in your community or in your neighborhood that you can rely on so Sis, I don't know how you do it as a single mom, having the guts and the
courage to move cross country with your boys alone. I could not imagine being the only one every time someone's calling for mom. And I know what it feels like when I miss a school event or miss a sporting event because of work. So it's virtually impossible for you to duplicate yourself. You need to find some help and that's ultimately the only thing I think that will help you here, to preserve yourself too in your mental So good luck to y'all. Hope it works out for you out there in Arizona.
Facts number two, Hi de Vala Kadeen. I want to start by saying that I freaking love y'all. We love you too. Y'all are really my cousins in my head. Lol. I actually never thought I would be writing in an email because I'm sure y'all get so many mind may not even get read. However, after listening to the Coach Daddy episode, I had to write in I'm a single mom of two whole boys, ages thirteen and five. My thirteen year old is a student athlete that plays basketball.
He's been playing since about eight and is a pretty skilled player for his age group. The issue is the attitude, teaching how to control his emotions, attitude, the body language on the court has been challenging this last year. He started his year off with a small injury that prevented him from playing the first few games. He felt like once he returned he was placed on the back burner
in it has caused him to be extremely frustrated. His frustration turned into an emotion, and his emotion comes off as an attitude. This has impacted his relationship with his coaches and his playing time. It's been a domino effect. As a single mom, I have to play both the tough love role and the nurturer because I need there to be a balance. He has coaches like Deval that just don't play and are really tough on him. I know in your case with Jackson, by the way, I
have a Jackson two. Deval can give the tough love because Kay can always be the safe place to land. How can I be both? You can always be both, baby. I have to be both and Kay has to learn. I don't want to coddle him through this tough time. However, I also don't want him to feel beat down by everyone. I do feel like he's learning how to self correct, but I feel like he's being overshadowed by previous behaviors. How can I help him through this adversity. Your thoughts
and opinions are greatly appreciated. Ps him and I watched the video of you and Jackson in the gym together, and I've allowed him to adopt the saying frustration fucks up your focus. Hella, Well, it has helped love a mom who just wants the best for her son. Oh man, I'm glad that I want to do more podcasts about parenting. I do, I really do, because we've learned a lot over the last couple of years. This is very simple. First thing you have to realize is that your children's
behavior are a reflection of what they see. If your child has a poor attitude or a bad attitude, he's learned that from somewhere, because children just don't learn bad attitudes, which means sometimes for us as parents, we have to self correct and figure out if that bad attitude is a reflection of what I do to him. So, for example, with Jackson, I noticed with him is that he he'll suck his teeth he'll roll his eyes, his body language you get down, and I'm just like, where do you
learn that he screams? I told you about the time when he was screaming at Cairo, and I was just like, bro, what makes you think you can scream at your brother? And he said, well, you scream at mommy. And I had to realize, like, dang, did he see me screaming at you at some point? And remember when we were having the argument about COVID and you and I had the argument and I was screaming yeah, And I had to realize like, wow, my son is always going to revert back to what he sees me do as his
example for life. So we were in the car one day and we were having a conversation about his attitude and I started going him. I started screaming and screaming and screaming and getting upset and I was. And then we go downstairs in the gym and he comes down to me and he goes, Dad, you are right, And
I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. Is your attitude fine, because cause at the gym you were acting this way And he was just like, yeah, I understand it, but I felt like you could have handled that better in the car. That's what he said to me, and I had at first when.
The checker becomes the check e, right.
Right, But at first I was about to check it and be like, it's funny. You can tell me about my attitude, but you don't. And then I realized, like, oh, I'm about to do it again. I'm about to do it again. So I said, let me be the example. I said, you know what, You're right, I could have handled that better. And I was like, how could have handled that better? He said, there was no reason for you to scream at me, like I was right there, We're on our way home. It's just us. I was
listening to you. There's no reason for you to scream and get all animated. And I was like, you know what, You're right. I'm gonna work on that. And because I gave him some accountability, he realized that he didn't have to be perfect, and so when he started to mess up, he stops getting as emotional. And I don't if you notice anymore. K K can attest to this if she sees this. I don't scream at our kids anymore. I
haven't thrown the laptop in the pool. I haven't gotten super animated or boisterous, like I haven't done any either, because I've learned that the more I compose myself, the more they will remain composed and calm if something happens when we're not there.
It's interesting too, you mentioned that because just in general, our kids are not super loud and over the top with anything, even with each other, you know, because of course his brothers they had the little spats and whatnot, but we never really hear loud matches of shouting and back and forth because we don't do that, and it's more impactful when you bring your kid near if they did something like listen, the fuck do you think this
is right now? Because I definitely have had like one or two moments for Jackson, but like, who the fuck are you talking to? Yeah, and that's when his eyes get really big and he's just like, oh shit, Mom just dropped the found because he knows that he can't use that language around me, and I don't use it
to their knowledge, right. I hope they listen to the podcast one day, but but yeah, there's nothing more than just composing yourself and just saying, yo, you're What we're not going to do is that yeah, we're not going to do that.
And also validating their feelings, don't make them feel like they have no reason for their feelings, because then they get confused and then they start to question themselfs say why do I feel this way?
Yeah?
And when you start to question why do I feel this way, you start to get frustrated more emotional. But then you lack the confidence to try to find a way out of it because you feel like something is wrong with you. So what I always do with Jackson is when he has an issue, for example, like he was upset he didn't get some playing time in a game, and the first thing I did was ask the coach, like, what's up. Jackson is one of the more skilled players. Why didn't he play? And the coach made it very
clear to me. He said, Jackson is twelve, but he just turned twelve. Some of our players are twelve turn and thirteen. When we play other teams who have players who are twelve turn thirteen or mostly thirteen year olds, Jackson can't help us defensively because those kids are just taller. Like we're at the point in the game where height really really matters, so he couldn't help us on defense. So since he couldn't help us on defense, he rolled the bench a little bit. So I spoke to Jackson
and I gave him that explanation. I said, how do you feel about that? He said, that's fucking whack. That's literally what he said, play defense. I said, so, now what you have to do is prove it. But you don't prove it by throwing a tantrum, getting upset and getting emotional. You are entitled to be upset that you're not playing. If I were you, i'd be upset too.
But now you have a choice. Are you going to get emotional and cry and be a baby and not get better, or are you going to say, you know what, there are certain things in my game I can work on to prove that I can play against taller kids and do that. And he was just like, I think I'm gonna do that, And I didn't say, we'll do it the next time and fix it and corrected. I said, well it's a work in progress. If you get emotional the next time and you're still upset, this is something
you're going to work on through your whole life. I am a grown man, and I still have to check my emotions, right Jackson. He was like yeah, so I said, so, don't feel like you have to be perfect the next time. Just try to be better. And every time you feel like you're losing it, think about what we worked on and just get better for next time. Yeah, and that's all it is. Just work with them through the process. But the biggest thing is maintain your composure. If you're
a single mom. I spoke to my cousin Poorsche about this. Moms love to scream and holler.
That was gonna be my thing, Like she said, how does she go between me and tough guy innurturer? And it really has a way. It's everything to do with the way you compose yourself and deliver the message. You can be tough and you can be starned without hollering and yelling. You can also be nurturer without coddling and babying.
Yes you can, you know what.
I'm I'm glad there's no way to do that.
I'm glad you said that because that is that is so true. I am tough on these kids, super tough, but I don't scream and holler at them no more. I nurture them. I will have a serious conversation and I'll bring them over and I'll be like, you know what, how you feel You're still mad? Okay, we'll give me a kiss. I love you. Give me a hug. You still got shit to do, but you give me a hug. And after this hug, you can get your emotions together, take your time, and finish what you started. That's how
you can be tough, but love them like. I'm not gonna let you quit. I'm not gonna let you off the hook. I'm gonna hold you accountable, but I'm gonna love you through the process. Toughness comes with accountability, not with volume or physical tough like you don't got to hit somebody.
Be toughest, have to be super emotional.
Toughness comes to the accountability yep, and rational thinking.
All right, good luck to your mama. You're out there doing it and doing it well. All right, y'all right? Into us. Email us at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com if you want to be featured as a listener letter. We love to hear from you.
That's right, that's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
All Right, moment of truth time. This is. My moment of truth is interdependent. I well, some it up for us, then.
Use discernment with who you listen to about relationships.
That's a good overarching one.
Yes, I never say I never believed too much advice was a thing until social media became a thing. There's too much advice, right, Do some research on your own facts and stats, check the details about what's really going on over here. But remember this, black men love black women, black women love black men. We are getting married at a higher rate than we ever have in this country, and we love the shit out of each other.
That's a fact.
Don't let anyone fool you into believing otherwise.
If you better wrap it up for us, put a damn boon a bitch is over well. My mom on of truth is pretty simple too. It's interdependence and dependence. Sorry, interdependency and independence can coexist. You can do it simultaneously.
I agree.
You can become the independent man or woman that you want to be, but aspire towards interdependency for it to work. And if that's the aspiration, put the eos aside and just get the job done, because that's what we're trying to do over here. Y'all period. All right, y'all, and you can follow us, find us, subscribe, join the Patreon gang Gang y'all to see exclusive dead Ass podcast video content and Ella's family content as well. Well. You can
find us on social media. Dead Ass the podcast, I Am Kadine, I Am.
And I Am Devo, and if you're listening to Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe.
Keep telling your friends, y'all know well eleven seasons in baby, but some of y'all have been writing and saying that this is the first time you've heard about or listen to the podcast, and we love newbies, So put your friends on, put your family on, and have them join the family. Love y'all. Dead Ass.
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