If It’s Up, Then It’s Stuck

of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therby most days. Wow. And one more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead as is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

We're about to take pillows off to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now. All right, story time typically story time A typically y'all know, I do story time because I like to tell stories. But today I'm going to be a gentleman and let my wife take over

story time. I appreciate that so much, So take us back, baby. Okay. So, as many of you know, we in prior seasons talked about approaching ten years planning a huge well not even huge and intimate, but very grand, intimately huge, intimately huge and grand um v renewal and for me and for you and for us and our family, that was going to be a time for us to really celebrate how far we've come for the past ten years, really have the people there who matter the most to us, focusing

on just really celebrating the past ten years and then having a way to kind of launch us into the next ten years, kind of feeling refreshed and renewed and recommitted. And none of that happened. Thanks to the coronavirus the pandemic. Of course, everything was shut down. Traveling was shut down UM Jamaica hopefully nowhere, but UM Jamaica was shut down. So it was funny because we're approaching our tenure anniversary and now it's like, all right, well, what do we

do to celebrate? We can't really do anything. My mom was with the boys in New York at the time, lockdown there, and my sister's birthday was coming up, and we were also celebrating her graduating from nursing school. So it was a two and one celebration that was happening in New York. Now, things we're kind of touching go still with the coronavirus, still kind of being up and

down New York being one of the epicenters. And I had told my sister pretty much at the end of June, you know, girl, I'll love you, but I can't even make it for your birthday or your graduation party, um, which they were having in a small gathering um, you know, at the house because I was getting ready to film and if I was getting ready to films to a sister, so I said, just to make sure you were safe.

We were literally treating about like a newborn baby. Did not want anybody to be around him or run the risk of him UM testing positives exactly. So I said, girl, we're not gonna be able to I'm not gonna be able to make it. So incomes a vow two days before my sister's birthday and he's just like, oh, you're not going to New York for cucaris, you know, wet'll get together. And I was like, no, I can't go. Why would I go. I don't want to risk you

getting sick. And he was like, I think you'd be all right if you wear your mask and stuff when you follow the protocol that they put in place. And I was like, yeah, exactly, you know, very like, you know, okay, I think you'd be good. So said, you know, you think you think I'll be good to val He's like, yeah,

go have a good time. I said, all all those things right, So I go to New York because I'm like, all right, if the Valve feels comfortable and I'll go, wear my mask and all that good stuff will be good to go. So I go to New York. Literally just take maybe a pair of underwear and an outfit and act very light. When I got to New York, I called up my girl Tianna, because you know, when I'm in New York, I'm gonna get all the things done, you know. So I hit my girl Tianna up for nails.

I'm like, have you been around people? Have you been taking clients? She said no, I haven't been. I said, well, if I wear a double mask and you wear a mask, will you comfortable doing my nails? And she's just like, I'm comfortable if you're comfortable. I said, okay, we should be good. So I got my nails done, the same thing for my hair, go to my sister's event, have my mask on the entire time, just to show my support. She was so so surprised. It was an amazing time.

I had a great little get together there. Um, and then I come I'm on my way back or I'm preparing to come back to California, and devote hits me with the you know the baby. I was thinking you should just stay in New York. I don't think you should come back before I leave to film. You see my face. Now, I'm gonna let you finish tell me your story because it's story time, but you're leaving out some very permanent information. So a finished story, story time.

So don't interfere in my story time. Okay, don't don't interfere. So um. I moved in New York as carefully as possible, because I said I did not want to be around people. I didn't even stay at my parents house because there's so many people there that I stayed at our manager's empty apartment so I could be by myself. Right, So, hold, who picked me up from the airport? I don't remember pick me from the airport. No, she didn't pick me.

Doesn't drive. Let me tell my story. The door doesn't drive. Um. So Debout hits me with I don't think you should come back to California. I think you should just stay in New York and I want to go film and I is like, there's no way we can do that because our anniversaries on Saturday. So it was a huge eruption, a big argument because my ass was going to stay in California with Devil. I wasn't even want to go to New York to begin with, and the Devil was

just like, no, I think you should go. You'll be fine if you wear your masks, if you wear your mask. If you wear your mask, my mass literally never left my face. Okay, So we agreed that I come back to California, but we'll quarantine in the house together meeting. I'll stay on one end of the house. He stays on the other end of the house until I test and get a negative result. The negative result would have put me on our anniversary day July four, So literally

we spent that entire week. I want to say it was a week at that point in separate ends of the house, pissed at each other because we couldn't be around each other. And I finally got the test result back. I want to say it was like three pm. I was stalking them hoping to get the test result back, and finally it was like three pm on the day of our anniversary, I got the negative result. We hugged, we kissed. I cried because the valve got one of my favorites, probably my favorite R and B singer Jamie

Fox two. What I didn't know was that the plan was for him to try to get to Jamaica for the valunal, that I was making arrangements for that, but because that couldn't happen, Jamie sang for me in a video that I'm sure many people have seen on on social media. And I just want to say that this story long is help and you always make fun of my stories. This story, the story hold on triple am I interjected in this story or is this story long?

Is keep interjecting, but there's context of the story. I had to tell it, tell them why we had such a bumpy road getting to ten years. Wow, okay, go ahead, finished finishes this story about in the last story I tell the last story I tell um, And it ended up being a wonderful night once we were able to actually hug and kis and be around each other again. And um, yeah, so Devout really pulled out all the

stops to make it special. And then I, in turn, um put a really nice dinner together in our backyard and it was the two of us. Um Devot got tons of roses yellow and red for friendship and love. Just really well thought out, simple things that I think definitely took the place of what was going to be our Jamaica turn, of our renewal, but it was just as special. Well it's funny because I was looking up love songs for karaoke and what came up as a love song was up from Cardi b Right, and I'm like,

how is this a love song? But then I was thinking about the words, and it's like, when it's up, then it's up, then it's up, then it's stuck. And that's what happens when you get married. You get stuck. Damn we up and then we stuck. So I just think it's funny to mention that uh Up by Cardi is considered part of that's the only part of the song I know so good, so neither one of us have to sing it. But that was gonna be my selection karaoke, because there's a whole dance going on now too,

there is. It's a whole dance battle with like Ups and Amazon and the world delivery workers. Yeah, well you know all them because they come here get up with the time. That's a fact. You told a very beautiful long story all right now is at the time devot just to put it out there for you to now refute my story. I'm not refuting it. But you said you gave context, right, but you left out a huge part of the context. So what's the one thing that

you had an issue with? Go ahead, right, because I know people are gonna ask why would de Voo say go to New York and then when you say you should be fine, say you should just stay in New York. The reason why I said you should go to New York is because I literally thought you were gonna go to New York, go to the party, and come home. At no point when you told me you were going

to New York. Were you going to go meet with t Anna, which is a different space, then go to Janelle's, which is a different space, then go to the party. That's two different contact tracing points. At this time, this is still July. We didn't know how this this virus was spread, and I could not test positive because if I test positive, then I wouldn't be able to film, and as one of the main characters in the show, the show wouldn't have been able to go on if

I couldn't film. So so so all I'm saying is I didn't just tell you to go and then you get there and then change my mind and say don't come back. You never communicated to me that you were going to go meet with your glam team to go to the party. And that's a key point of context that you left out for the people who are listening to Tiana, and I asked her if she's been around anybody. I'm saying the context double mask, I double mask, and

I got my nails done. Yeah, But when you told the story, you have put my voice on and said you should go where your mask you should go? I said, because I thought you was going to get off the plane go to the party, go home, and come back. But in my from my perspective, I felt like, if I'm on a plane with a ton of people, I don't know both ways, I'm in uh get together that

has more in one person in that space. I didn't think that me being careful with two people who have been home and not around people double mass both times would have been that much more of a contact point. So this is my thing. Why I add more contact points? If you already said you got on the plane, which is already a risk. You go into the party, that's already a risk. Why I add two other risks when you don't know if that's gonna be a risk. Any of the risks that I put myself in could have

been avoided if I just stayed mass in California. Like that's very very true. But you know also what my wife would have did. She'd have been in California pounding the whole time. That's not even I even ult myself to say that I wasn't going to go and I didn't mind, to be honest, if but anyway, if you say so, story guys, that's how we spent our ten year anniversary. I think it was it was amazing. It was great time together. I think what it all boiled

down to is that we just had time together. And it is different because we had the pandemic that had hit in March, and then we were home lockdown with my mom and dad and the boys for at that point April made June July almost four months, so it was nice to kind of finally have just time together. Well, what I think is is best about the story you told is that that story, which took about a week, it was like the microcosm of what I think marriage

is now. Right, Um, you and I had completely different ideas. You and I were both trying to do something for the better the betterment of the other person. Right. I wanted you to go enjoy your sister's party because I wanted you to to be able to enjoy that aspect of your life. Your family is important to you outside of our nuclear family. So I was like, you know what, let her take the risk boom. You were willing to stay because you were willing to miss that to take

the risk because I had to work. So here we are both trying to do what's best for the other person. Then we end up debating and arguing you know what I'm saying, but then he had to communicate it through you know what I'm saying. So I think that, you know, ultimately, that's the microcosm of what marriage is because we ended up finding a way to make it work out. We couldn't do our big viralnyl and ended up being just

you and I in the home making a dinner. Um, you know we I grew some lobster, you made some steaks, you made the sides. I got Jamie Fox to saying we had it in our backyard and it was special and it was dope. So I think that that ultimately is the microcosm of what marriage has been for us for the past ten years. It's been some ups and downs. Life has thrown some curveballs. Um, We've argued, we've debate,

but we figured it out right. And I think that I appreciate the most about this is that we both were trying to consider the other person in everything, which is something that I think both of us have grown to do over the past ten years. Absolutely, in the very beginning of it, or the very beginning of our marriage, there was a lot of you saying, you know what

I'm hoping to be a great husband. So I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna work, and I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna provide because that's what husbands do. And I'm just like, all right, I'm going to be a great wife because I should just be at home and I should take care of the house and I should just you know, do the things that I've seen my mom and my grandmother do and like great help with the bills, YadA YadA, And those were just surface

level things. Was us thinking about ourselves and how we could be great, but also at the same time not necessarily considering the other. So um so, yeah, shout out to us for ten years. And let me tell you, baby, boys and girls, what's not awash is the vurnal because we don't have to be ten years. It should be well, it could be thirteen. It could just be a whole lass vacation. Who has a thirty year varnul? Like, who does that? Do we ever do anything conventionally? But now

so there we are. Anyway, According to according to tradition, UM ten year anniversaries of marriage represent or is represented by tin or aluminum. UM. So, I don't know if people know about. Traditionally, each year means something, or if you're going to give somebody something for their different year anniversaries, there's normally a corresponding thing that goes with it, So

tending aluminum. Those elements represent durability impliability to symbolize that the relationship can be bent but not broken unless you're cheap as foil paper, which we know nobody likes. Cheaper as foil paper, foil papers everything in the black community. You know, you can cover anything with foil paper. You can get your TV to work, you can pack plates, foil illuminate, very durable. Okay. Within your marriage, by this stage you will have experienced the need to compromise on

some things. That's but your marriage is still going to be strong, right And with that material it represents the twenty years with that material um twenty years is China? Why could be China? Why it can't be Africa? You're not serious? Are you? Like the plates porcelain like that kind of I don't care. Why why it is called China. I want to call mine Africa, all right, twenty years it's gonna be Africa. About Africa that we can we

can talk about diamonds. See what I'm saying. Let's see saying show on audio and video the Devasid diamonds in twenty years. Oh gosh, that's what you got out of baby boy. Africa's the motherland. Okay, that is true. The greatest people on Earth come out of Africa. We're African Americans. So in twenty I'm focusing on everything, all things great, all things African, and with pressure, diamonds are formed. I love that. Um. It brings the meeting, delicate, beautiful and

elegant relationship that you've built over twenty years together. So what will it take to go from hard work to smooth sailing in the next ten years of marriage? That's what we're talking about today. Now that the first ten years have been under our belt, where do we see ourselves in the next ten years? How are we going to get there? Um, we're almost one year into that next ten year point. What differences have you noticed between

your one and your eleven? Well, I mean, if you've been with us through this ride for four seasons now, we've perved a lot about our relationship from being together eighteen, getting married at and now at thirty seven and thirty six respectively thinking about what's next for us. We pursed out, We've talked about the ups and the downs, with a lot of the downs and the misconceptions we had about marriage, and I feel like, UM, in doing that, we've been

able to grow collectively and grow individually. So I want to like just talk about what is our plan with all of his knowledge we have through marriage, to like be better for the next ten years. Yeah, I mean I have to say that for the past well for

now five seasons of the podcast. We're joke in our opening that we read each other publicly as a kind of therapy, UM, but it literally I feel like has been like that for us because I've been able to really dissect a lot of things publicly through the form of the podcast, and it's also privately UM. And we see the value in reflecting UM on different moments. We reflect I feel like on a daily, weekly basis at least with each other, and we have those conversations that

need to be had, UM. But I feel like there was also a lot of individual growth that happened very that was also very stressful at times because some processes that we both had to go through as individuals. The other didn't understand, but I think in turn it for the collective greater good of the marriage and of our family. It definitely worked in our favor, absolutely, because I think that we both had to like unlearn some of the things that we were conditioned to believe to be truths

and then relearn ourselves and each other. And also knowing that those those quote unquote truths or those traditions, they're malleable, like they're not something that's just going to be cookie cutter to every relationship. That's what we had to learn. We had to learn that we tried to just tell and make our relationship to what we thought the ideal relationship was. That's when we were we ran into like roadblocks. So if if one thing I've seen, think the major difference.

I'm not going into this next ten years with expectations of what I expect you to be or who I expect you to be and who I expect myself to be. I plan to be more like like water, you know what I'm saying, flat, crash and flow and kind of see, you know, wake up every day and see where the day is going and kind of figure out, you know, what what's going to be my method to get through

this next peak or valley wherever we are. And I think that's going to be the big difference because when you when you have expectations, that only leads to disappointments. So when you when you walk in saying you know, I don't know what to expect, I'm just going to be excited about whatever comes, you can move forward with

a more positive attitude. Yeah, for sure. And I think we both kind of know each other to an extent where like I know the things that make you take and all the things that may take you off, you know, So trying to avoid those at all calls definitely something that will aim to do. Um. But for me, I think the biggest difference between year one and year eleven is me going into it thinking like, oh, I'm just

a wife now, you know. But also too, I've said I didn't really know what came with being a wife year one. Um, it was really just a matter of taking a look at maybe the females around me, the women around me, wives around me. Um, do you see things in movies and on television, And for a seven year old who's kind of just green to that, that's kind of my approach and I'm just kind of like,

all right, I guess I'll learn as I go. Um, Whereas going into year eleven, I feel like, Okay, I have a really good grasp of who I am now. I think that's the biggest difference. I think it's just that you know who you are now. Yeah, yeah, I think, And I know I'm coming I'm continuing in this relationship as I continue to grow and coming in as a more complete version of myself than I did at seven seven,

I was still trying to figure out a lot. And I think our biggest issue, too, was that we met at eighteen, so we had pretty much nine years of our life before marriage that we were still trying to figure trying to grow as individuals and grow together simultaneously, And that was I think that mental to us in the very beginning. So so let me ask a question, where do you see yourself in the next ten years

and how how will I help you get there? You know what I spoke about this, I think in a prior season about me not being sure what my purpose is or you know, why I'm actually here? What am I supposed to be doing? What am I supposed to

be getting out of life? And I think one thing that I've learned over the past maybe like a year or two, I know that one of the biggest reasons why I am here is to be able to nurture, um, you and our children and and be that pillar for you guys, particularly when I think about even just when the pandemic first hit and all of the racial injustices that were on the forefront, you know, back in last April and May, and I saw how broken you were from that just being a black man living in America,

I really honed in on me being that pillar of strength and comfort for you guys within this household. So that's something that I know I'm definitely here for or and wanting to do in the next ten years, is to really be that for you as we raise these three boys who will be black men one day, UM, making sure that I am providing a safe haven and a space for them to grow into who they are supposed to become. UM. So that's one thing that I

definitely want to do in the next ten years. UM. For myself too, I have my individual goals as well, UM with that being at the forefront, also just working on myself career wise, UM, continuing to host, continuing to act, continuing to be of service to others. Um. I feel like we've been blessed abundantly in those spaces and the more that I can continue to help to pour into others. Um, How but how will you? How can I help you get there? Oh? Well, yeah, well that was the second

part of the question into UM. But you can help me in doing that by I think continuing to be who you've been in my life, and you've been a sounding board, You've been, UM, a motivation factor for me, you know, looking at you and your work ethic and the way you do things, I admire it and I still sometimes sit back and watch you and awe of like the things you're able to accomplish and do you just in a twenty four hour time period, because you're

just driven in that unyielding with everything you do. So I think you've always offered that for me. But I also appreciate the fact that you've stepped back a bit and you've also given me a chance to kind of make my mistakes as well, and you've given me a chance to change my mind and then support me through changing my mind, which I tend to do a lot. UM And even in my indecisions. Um, is that a

weird in decisions or in being indecisive? Um, You've definitely had your moments where even through your own frustration because you've just been wanting to help me get to where I got to get to, you've also allowed me to go through my own processes. And I feel like you've respected the fact that we don't do things the same way.

And I appreciate that because for a long time, I feel like there was like a judgment that came with that, like you don't do things the same way I do it, or I would have done this differently, so therefore it's

not the right way. Where I feel like you've been able to kind of step back a bit now and say, all right, well, I'm going to focus on myself now too, which I think you deserve to do because you've spent so many years focusing on me and focusing on the family that I want to be of support to you now so that you can do the things that you want to do wholeheartedly. I mean, that's that's a good segue into what I want to do, because that's that's

where my focus is. Like I feel like I've spent the first ten years of our marriage really focused on trying to be the best husband I could be and focusing on trying to be the best father I can be, And in many aspects, I've put the things that I wanted to do, like on the back burner, because I wanted to set up a foundation where my family was together, which was a choice I made, and I'm happy that I did it that way because I honestly feel like, um, I feel like I'm kind of in my prime of

my life. Like being an athlete, first, you feel like your prime is when you're in your twenties, you know what I'm saying, But then as you go through life, you start to realize that your twenties is not really your prime because you don't even have the mental fortitude to understand what you're But now that I'm in my mid thirties, I feel like, Okay, not only do I have the physical prowress, but mentally I'm in a better place financially because I did set the foundation for us.

I'm in a better place to where I can step away from being the husband father for the times that I have to focus on my career and not worried that it's going to be to a detriment to my family. You know what I'm saying. Um, well, I thank you, thank you so much. You look a little you look at to the you know what I'm saying. I will say this though you you look better now at thirty seven and you did an eighteen like you've gained a

legitimate thirty five pounds. Yeah, you've gained the legitimate pounds in all the right places. If you become more talented in other areas based on practice. But I will say this, at this tenure point, our sex life, and I know we're gonna do a whole podcast about this about sex life is at a completely different level now, and I think it's all based on knowledge and learning. Said, we figured some stuff out and we plan to talk about

that on a completely different podcast. But now I feel like these next ten years, I want to focus on my career because I have the foundation for my family set up, and you can help me do that by continuing in the same form that you have been for the first ten You know, you've always been a big support system. Um, we have reached the point where we realize that our processes are different. So rather than saying I feel like my wife is an anchor because she

doesn't work the same way I work. I've learned how to work with you in different processes, you know I'm saying. So we pretty much just set goals. I set in mind, you set yours, and as long as it gets to goal,

no matter how it gets done, it is done. I feel like our our heart was in the right place in the very beginning of marriage, because though I said, in the beginning, there was a lot of like kind of selfishness happening where you were kind of like in your own mind like this is what I have to do, and this is how I have to provide, and this is going to make me a great husband. And I was like, well, this is what I have to do.

In that selfishness, there was also a bit of selflessness because we were then building for our family and our future family. So at the time we got married, honeymoon, baby Jackson was here, So I think our heart was in the right place. Though at the time we might have seen the other as being selfish, there really wasn't any selfish moments that we had because we were ultimately thinking about the bigger picture. We just didn't know how to be of service to each other. I would agree.

I don't feel like either one of us walked in being selfish. We didn't have the tools to be good spouses. That's really really what it was like. I came into marriage wanting to be selfless, but not realizing how selfish I was being, if that makes sense, you know what I'm saying. And I feel like you kind of came in the same way, you know what I'm saying. But it's all about the tools, and I think that's why we wanted to have this conversation moving forward. And it's

funny because UM our producer UM brought this to us. Right. It's My Husband's twenty Lessons from twenty years of Marriage, a purpose driven marriage blog by Dwayne Steward and his wife Nadine Stewart. And they've made it to twenty years of marriage, so they gave like the twenty things lessons, right, So I'm like, we're only halfway there. So I was looking at these and I was saying, some of these

definitely like resonate with me. And at this tendier point, I want to point out the ones that resonate with me right as a husband. Right. Three just looking at it already. Okay, so I'm gonna leave my the number one, I'm gonna go from backwards to because I'm gonna go from the one that's the least, you know what I'm saying. Number ten for me was it's okay to have disagreements.

When I first got married, right, I felt like a disagreement meant that there's a break or a fracture in our train of thought and I have to make sure that my wife agrees with me. It's learning that it's okay to have disagreements made me realize, like, oh, it's okay that we have different processes in life. It's okay that we don't, you know, agree on every little thing.

That doesn't mean that I'm marriage is gonna work. It just means that we think differently, and that doesn't mean that it's going to lead to us being a fracture, being a split, you know what I'm saying. So understanding that it's okay to have disagreements was like that was like important to me, but it kind of made me feeliz like, Okay, let's be settled. She thinks like this, I think like this, and it's okay to say we can agree to disagree on this one, because you're here

to agree to desgree sometimes. But she'd really just like this, this motherfucking here, I don't even know what he's talking about, but whatever, I'm gonna say it just to end the argument. But really, there's the point that you come to where you're just like, Okay, you are entitled to feel that way. I don't agree with it, but we can actually move on. And that that led me to the next one, which is you don't have to win every argument, because arguments

are not always about winning. Arguments sometimes are about understanding, which let me to the next one was take time to listen. You know, I think that as a husband, and I'm just going through my ones first and let you go through yours. But these things realistically helped me communicate and learn how to get your perspective. You know what I'm saying, because I wanted to understand where you were coming from and the way I used to ask questions.

You used to be like, well, you're drilling me, You're drilling me a why like you? And I was just like them, I'm trying to understand you. But I didn't realize that every time you would try to explain it to me. If it wasn't explained in a way that I wanted it explained, I just discredited it, right. And that makes me think of our discussion that we had um right after the New Year in New York, you know, UM, we had a discussion about, you know, kind of asking

each other this. This is kind of how this podcast episode came to fruition. Was us having that conversation talking about like, what are we going to do for the next ten years, um? Or where do we even see ourselves at this point in our marriage and then trying to kind of plan for that, and you were asking very specific questions and I kind of got frustrated through the conversation because I was like, I don't know what you want to hear, but this is what I'm saying.

And then you got frustrated because I kept asking the same the same thing over and over again, and I was like, are you asking me over and over again because you want me to say something specific? Because if that's the case, it's not gonna happen. This is how I feel. And it's funny because when we first met, maybe in year one, I was kind of the person that I wouldn't say anything. I just kind of kept a lot to myself. So I will say that we have progressed because you can't get me to shut my

mouth from you just talk too much. You can barely get a word in edgewise, you know. But the last two, um, the last two here, women are still complicated. That's when I laughed at it. That's when you laughed at women are still complicated. Yes, um, I say this to Conde all the time and she hates it. I'm like, yo, you live in your mind. You live in a completely different universe that that is reality. And she used to be like, stop saying that to me. You make me

sound like I'm crazy. But um, I started to realize that you're not crazy, You're complicated. You know what. My response is always to that. But you love it here. I live in all to universe, but you are a frequent visitor like the tents, and you are here. So you you actually made me pitch the tent in your universe. You did that. You take it, um, And the last one of the most important one I've got, especially from our relationship tribute around the house. No, that wasn't it.

That's another one. Know, the most important to me was no matter no matter what anyone says, your wife wants you to lead. And I take that to heart because I do feel like in this day and age, there's so much talk about you know, it's it's not about who's at the head of the table, it's about going in the right direction. And we're hearing so many people saying like, it's okay to let your wife leaders, Okay, let your wifely not believe in that, right, But oftentimes

you've looked at me and said, babe, what do you want? Like, what do you what are we going to do? And then sometime trying to prefer right and trying to defer sometimes it created more confusion as opposed to me just saying this is what we're doing, and you'd be like, all right, cool, damn yeah, let's do it. And I think also too, over the past ten years, I've learned that there's certain things that if I care deeply or strongly about, I'm okay with vocalizing that, and then we

can then figure out a game plan after that. And there's certain things that you're just like a hard no or a hard yest or a hard we're going to do this on and then I'm kind of like, all right, baby, that's cool. It's different when there's something that we both feel strongly about and it may be opposite directions that require more of a conversation or more like the weighing

the options. Yeah, but like you know, it's it's cliche to say, but it's like pick your battles, but it really becomes that because it's something as simple as like, Babe, you know, we're picking out furniture in our in our home, and it's like, but what do you think about this couch? You've said to me several times, Okay, the family rooms,

your area couch, you one, I really don't care. Whereas you're downstairs in your space and you're just like, well I don't want this painting on the wall, and I'm just like, all right, well, let's do space. You know. So we learned to kind of pick and choose our battles over the course of the years, which I think has definitely helped. You know. Um, let me here, let me here. So let's see A wife's twenty lessons for twenty years of marriage, a purpose driven marriage blog by

Nadine Stewart. Now, um, so there are a lot of cute little ones in here. I think they kind of overlapped um. But one thing that stood out to me is learn your husband's love language. So we hear the term love language thrown around a lot um. I know there's a specific list of it um, but for you, I know which you need, not just like from a sexual standpoint, but now also to just from like what makes you feel cared for. I know there's been many times over the years that you're just like, well, what

do you do for me? What have you done that was specifically for me? Without you thinking, Okay, this is the most convenient way for you to do it, so you're going to do it, or I'm going to get this done because the vals nagged me about it, like really now knowing okay, this is what he likes, this is what he will like, and really waking up in the morning with the idea in the mindset, how can I make devows day easier today? How can I make

Devo's date better today? And sometimes it's something as simple as just making sure that you have a smoothie ready after your workout, you know what I mean, without you have to ask for it, you know what I mean, Like little things like that, I'm all right, so I just have the smoothie ready and not doing it all my time, but doing it and say, hey, I have a lot going on today. Let me make this movie.

Put it in the freezer. Shoot to a text, Babe, I'm running out to run some errands, but your smoothies in the freezer. Simple, And then I think you like something like that. After a while, I realized, Okay, that's something small, but it can be something big. When I know how you feel cared for. It's not enough for me to know internally that I love you. I have to find ways to show you that are more um um. And that in turn says be your husband's biggest cheerleader.

And there was also one that said complement your husband in front of others. I was going to I was going to point these out because I was going to do the opposite after this and say, I'm gonna read what she learned at the twenty and see if there's

certain things I could pick out for you. Because we just had a conversation about this, because I notice with people it's like, just like yelp, right, if you have a bad experience in a restaurant, you'll run to yelp and be like, oh, this place is trash, right, But if you have a great experience in a restaurant, you never compliment the restaurant in public for people to hear. And I noticed the same thing with marriages. There's a

passive aggressive nature with spouses. Not just women, are not just men with spouses where they'll say something negative about their spouse in front of other people to get the message across passive aggressively. But you very rarely hear spouses say passive aggressive positive things about their spouse in front of people. So when you're constantly hearing these negative, negative reinforcements,

that weighs on your spouse. You know what I'm saying, And I feel like, um, I feel like you know, we've both done that to each other a lot in the first you know, ten years of marriage and you know, watching her, you know, watching reading that said is like wow, right, because you said before, like you know, people will always like praise you and I together collectively for something that

you've done right. But then when it comes to something that I do by myself or people assume it's about myself, it's like, oh, go kidine, But they don't ever think about devo too in that moment, you know, And I feel like it may in part be because, for example, on social media, you're just way more expressive than I am. You're creative, like you are the master mind behind the

social media with us. So you post more, you will post me, you'll post the appreciation, You'll be very vocal about how you feel about me on social media, whereas I don't tend to do the same thing because maybe the person that posts once a week. Sometimes I have my waves, and it's not for lack of me caring to express publicly how I feel about you. Some things that kind of feel like are already understood, you know. So that's the problem exactly, because even if it's not

social media, you'll be in the kitchen. I'll just come up behind you and I'll kiss you. Don't be like I love you, and then you know, you'd be like thanks, and I'll kiss you and I'll touch on you and then I'll walk away. I don't get that from you because you probably feel like it's already understood. Imagine living your life where your spouse will only assume that the positive things are understood, so they don't have to say it, but then the negative things. Let me make sure he

knows the negative things don't be understood. You know what I'm saying. That's the fact, And that's why I realize your love language is that it's it's having those positive affirmations or like the over I don't want to say over, but they display affection. Those are the things that I know that you like to and then also to being able to praise you publicly, because I think also to for a man and for his his ego, he also wants to know that he's doing well. Absolutely, you know

what I mean. UM, So it's not enough for me to just feel it internally or for me to just assume that you know, um, marriage is not it's one hundred fact M And that is actually very true. I mean in the beginning, I feel like we kind of came in fifty fifty because we were still trying to figure out ourselves individually. But I feel like now going into the next ten, we can definitely say that we're i'ld say happening about me and I can I would have to say, I would like, you don't think you

know yourself? Right? Someone? Or maybe I'll give myself a ten percent to evolve. If that makes it, that's what I would say. I would say, it's more about evolution. I came into marriage trying to give everything to this marriage, but I just didn't have the tools to give the right way. Maybe that's what I'm saying. So I was always in a hundred and I mean, I think a little bit of where you and I differed was, uh remember podcast episode I think episode I mean season four.

You has said you were focused mainly on the wedding and didn't give much thought about the marriage, and I think that's why you kind of feel like, well, now I'm actually focused on the marriage because you were focused on a different aspect of our relationship. You were focused on the wedding at that point in the marriage, kind of like, oh ship, we are married now. For me, I was really focused on the marriage, trying to focus

on how to be the best version. But I just did not I know how to be a good husband, you know what I'm saying. So it's like I didn't have the tools. I was in the wrong direction, you know what I'm saying. And you at that point wasn't really focused much on it. So we were both struggling in the beginning parts. Yeah, that was definitely a factor. You know. It's funny I talked about not feeling as if I was prepared for marriage in the beginning in my twenties, like you know, no one ever prepared me.

But to be quite honest, even with preparation, even with advice, you just have to be in it. You have to be in it, like you know. And I can't blame you know, for example, my mom, or my aunt's or past family members or anybody for not preparing me per se because what might have been the realms in which my parents, for example, had their marriage or they existed in their space as a marriage might not have worked for us. So that's definitely something that over the year side.

So let me ask a question, learned, honest question. In other cultures, you hear, you know, you hear people say things like, um, for example, and it comes to white women, right, white women are groomed to be wives. They say same thing about Asian women, right, Like they say the same thing about Asian Asian women, Indian women, white women, how they're groom to be wives and quote unquote, they're they're more submissive because of that. You know what I'm saying.

Have you ever heard that before? Right? So do you think do you think do you think it's a cultural thing where black people in particular are not grooming the younger generation to be spouses. So for example, they say, you know, with with black men, black men are not groomed to be husbands. So we're horrible in relationships. We don't know how to communicate. And I'll agree to that. My father never talked to me about how to speak

to my wife, you know what I'm saying. There was no man's group on how do I speak to my wife in this situation. So a lot of times I was speaking to you like I would speak to my athletes, and then you realize, like I can't communicate with my wife like this, you know what I'm saying. But I was only doing what I knew best and communicate. There's some relationships where I would say for black men and women that communication is just not a thing, Like they

don't know how to communicate, you know. And I think if you take it back to even like like even if I take it back to like, you know, our ancestors and and days even post slavery or durious slavery, like there was survival. Survival was the main thing. So if you're thinking about being in survival mode, just trying to teach your your your family or your children how to live and how to survive. We had different stresses

in life. We had way different stresses. So in terms of grooming someone for marriage, that might not have been on the top of the totem pole when you're trying to tell people how to survive, how to understandable to to live, how to to work, how to you know. But but you can see how that's been a detriment to generations because even when you look at look at some of these things that you say, like like, for example,

she says she learns as a wife. Right, If you say this to some women nowadays, they'd be like, I'm not doing that as mad submissive, you know what I'm saying. Like even for the fact that um letting your husband lead, um, complimenting him, let him know you're apreciate him. Um. What was another one? I see here be your spouse as big as cheerleader. It's like, oh, what you want me to just be my husband's kiss ass. But it's like these are things that want a list of people who've

been married twenty years. I don't think it's a kiss ass though. I think it's like you need to build your man up, but not essentially for black men who tend to go out into this world and they're beat down all the time. So I think because even for for men, it's like some of these things here it says, contribute around the house, take time to listen. It's like, oh, so you want me to be soft, learn your wife's love language. You want me to be a sim you

know what I'm saying. It's like when you look at these things that they're listening to be prepared for marriage. When you say some of these things two single people, they're like, I'm not doing that ship, you know what I'm saying. And do you. I think that they're coming

into it without the mindset of serving like we talked about, right. So, if you're not thinking about serving and you're not thinking about these lists of things right this this is probably part of the reason why so many of so many of people in our culture feel like if I get a white woman or Asian or Indian woman, they're more submissive because they're they're taught about marriage like you hear all the time that white women are taught how to be wives, Asian women are taught how to be wives.

You know what I'm saying, Indian women are to how to be wives. And our culture, being a wife is like secondary or maybe even third after being a career woman for a Black woman, mainly because in our culture socio economically, women have never held a position in history in America where we were, they were just stay at home wives or they were able to know what I'm saying social economically, absolutely so, and it's the same thing

for men. We've never been in the position, and because of generate lack of generational wealth where we were just the breadwinner, we've always had to rely on our wives throughout Black American history in order to bring money in. So when you hear things like you know, I'm the leader of the house, I'm the head of household, household, it's hard to say that when you're asking this woman

to bring in money as well. So it's like, how do we teach the next generation to be wives and husbands without them being defend about, like, well, I'm not doing these things because that will make me less of an individual. You know what I'm saying, but they have to be necessary. I think they has to be balanced with that um and certain things are just necessary for your spouse to intern feel like they're valued in a relationship.

It's like, what are you more concerned about the fact that you can have a career and you can flaw us and have the nice things and that's just what you're about. If that's what you're about, then you may want to consider not being married. That may not be for you. But in terms of being in a relationship and trying to build up your spouse, who else are you going to be doing it for? I mean, that's

that's what are we doing it for? It Like, if it's you into you and another person existing in a space where you're wanting to build a life together, why not be that person's biggest I hear you? Why not be that? You know what I'm saying, I hear you. Do you think that this will ever be normalized though? Because even if you look at social media, if you look at social media, this is not the normal relationship

that we see. That's why we have a black Love page, a black love exists, why we have Black Love the show which you and I were on that's why you have black love, doctor, is because the normal relationship you've seen between men and women it's either men womenizing women or now there's a whole culture of black women gaining their sexual revolution and claiming it and they're like, well, I'm gonna treat you the same way you treated me for all of these generations, which is toxic, you know

what I'm saying. And that's become the normal part of mainstream media, get you back type or you're going to have to pay for right. Yeah. But then you'll see, like this is a couple of goals. So you have a young man and a young woman who have young men, or a young woman who has never been taught how to be a spouse, but then aspire to being a relationship not knowing how to be in a relationship, and

end up in a toxic relationship. Couple got there? You know, we see the hashtag relationship goals or goals under our pages all the time. But people see us now ten years married, in eighteen years together. I don't know if y'a would have been saying that about it ten years ago.

I know for a fact they wouldn't have been or twelve years ago Yeah, I wouldn't have been saying that about us because there was a lot that went into us getting to this point, and we could have skipped that step if we would have been if we would have been privy to mentor and and receptive to it. I feel like there's also this generation is not receptive to some of that things. It's just like a hard no or a hard I'm not doing that. And it's just like, but why is it just because you're going

off of what your friends are saying? Are you going off of what you've seen your part? You know what I mean? Like, there's a hard note with so many things that I feel like if there was a little bit more thought, our compassion that went into it, it could probably let's go in a different director. Let's be honest, right, You and I when we work out, we watch rat

videos on vivo, right, and we have certain artists. I'm not going to out any artists or anything like, but we have certain artists that we watch because their music is going. I look at some of these artists in the videos and I'm like, if my son's only watched these images of what the interaction is between men and women, they're gonna grow up with a skewed version of what life is supposed to be. You know what I'm saying.

The way these men treat these women in these videos, the way these women, when they have position of powers, treat the men in these videos, It's kind of like, how do our children learn how to be in a relationship if these are all the images they see? You

know what I'm saying. And I know for a fact that for the next ten years, with all this knowledge I have, it's gonna be way better than the first because we're planning on these steps right here that we're reading, but also the things that we've learned, and I will have to say, a lot of it is just dropping ego. You cannot be in a relationship and believe that your your ego is more important than the relationship itself. And I think that's the main thing, Like it's not about

me anymore. It ultimately has to be about the other person. And if it's always gonna be about you, let it be about you. But we just don't burn about don't get married, don't get married just about you and be whole hardly about you. And that's okay, that's okay to um. You touching on the relationship sorry the family or for example, like our sons Um Jackson, Karen Kaz If there that's what they see, then that's what they will tend to

emulate that well, that's what they will aspire to. And I feel like one question that I had had was where you see us as a family in ten years. I feel like I want our boys to see us in a healthy space because, yeah, they can watch social media. Social media will be around. I'm sure they'll watch television and stuff like that, but we don't want for our children to gain much of anything, you know what I mean about their life or their lifestyle from social media

or from the media. Um. If anything, we're trying to shelter them from that, and we're going to also just like kind of make sure that we're mindful of what they're in taking. But I think for me, it's important for them to see us in a space where their mom and dad love each other and they're having healthy conversations.

And even if it's a thing where we have a disagreement publicly in front of them, you know, or they're walking on something like that, I would love for them to also see at the end that you know mom and Dad ultimately were able to get over that and they you know, love each other. Um. Because she also mentioned here um Nadine in her list. Um, it was a responsibility for teaching your kids about faith, family, morals

and values, sharing your dreams and goals together. Um. Making sure that you have at least one meal together as a family, prioritizing that. Um. So that's actually something that I should be And it says your marriage should be the priority relationship of the family, which I think sometimes it happens where parenting parenting onett and that's super important. She's that's actually number thirteen on the list. If there's one thing, let's see the reverse of that, where we're

putting the kids first. So that's if there's one thing I'll say that I'm going to make a flip from this year from leving On, is that I am no longer and this has to be a matter of fact. I hope this is trouble make a note. This is going to have to be the sound bite for this episode. I'm not going to go into my marriage saying that my kids are always going to be first. That's just not healthy because the kids don't get here without us.

So if I'm constantly putting their kids first and not my wife, right, They're not going to be able to see a healthy relationship to grow up to be productive humans and ultimately seek out relationships that are healthy because they'll see me as a good dad and they'll see you as a good mom, but they won't see us

be good spouses. You have to continue to be first in my life, and I want to continue to be first and yours because that's the only way we will be able to build a family unit that's powerful enough to spread that that image and to spread that that

word outwardly. As a wife and a mom, I feel like there's so much discussion after you have children about oh, I have to find myself again and I have to find myself again and I to be who I am again, But there's very little conversation about finding who you who you finding who you are, or who you can be after motherhood for your spouse again. You know what I mean?

You know what I mean. There's being the best mom, being the best mom and all that, but a lot of the focus shifts once you have children to the children for the mom particularly, not to take anything away from fathers who are providing and who are there's a certain there's a we have a child, and there's a lot of focus on like being that first time mom and everyone checking in on the mom and making does she's making sure that she gets herself back, And then

there's also a bit of like she deserves to get herself back for herself, yes, but a lot of myself getting back was for you. Like I wanted you to have your wife back. I wanted you to have cadeem back, the person who you initially fell in love with before we had children. So if anything, I feel like in the next ten years, I am going to make a conscious effort, like you said, to be that number one for you because I fel like if we're both each other's number one, then it's only it's going to be

that much healthier of a situation for our boys. That's I mean, that's that actually ties back into what we talked about before. When you're getting you know, God gives you or the universe, whoever you believe in, they give you enough and in abundance so that you can share and pay it forward. Right, So imagine if me as a husband is giving a lot to my wife, all of the abundance you have, you could give to me

and give to the kids. And if we're constantly pouring into each other, we can always have abundance to pour into the kids. But if exactly if we're taking all of this and we're constantly pouring into the kids, and the kids are not going to be pouring back into us, and they shouldn't have to their kids indirectly because we enjoyed indirectly. Indirectly, they do. But it's different when someone is directly pouring into you and you're pouring into them. So now God is pouring into me, my wife is

pouring into me. Of course I'm going to have enough to pour into my kids and my wife as opposed to God pouring into me, and I'm pouring into my kids, and then whatever's left over my wife gets. That's how you get that fracture in a relationship, you know. And I'll be the first to admit that there were points when you know, you became a mom while I was

just like them. I really don't matter anymore, you know, after Jackson, it was both of our first we were both like we adored Jackson, like we were both like honed in hundreds of him. I didn't feel it that much after him. When Cairo came, it was a five year difference, you know, after Jackson, so I felt like we were both like, how do we do this all over again? But then when it was Kiro and Kas and then Jackson was like, yo, I'm still here. There were points where I was just like, I'm never gonna

get my wife back. Until possible for me to be able to divide myself into four, you know what I mean, it was virtually impossible. But I feel like I'm um in a space now where I'm like, all right, I got my mojo back. Cas is three, and you know, we're definitely mentally the difference. But it almost sounds selfish because we've been so conditioned to hear my kids are gonna come first. It sounds selfish to say, well, my wife's always gonna come first. Well, for me, as a husband,

I was always like conditioned that way. My father told me that was just like you take care of your wife. Your wife wanna take kid and kids. And my father would telling me like, well you you may get was left over. But I've never really heard a woman say my wife, my husband comes first. And then the kids. And the funny thing is when I do see women say that online, other women be bashing that woman, like I've seen women in comments make stuff about like I

don't you know, don't care what your women say. My husband is how these kids got here. He's always gonna come first. And I've seen other women like your kids and asked to be here and no and not. But then when you think about it, that's probably why her marriage and her relationship is so strong, because she puts her husband first, and he has the energy to put into her and the kids, and he puts his wife first. So that's a great revelation there about constantly putting your

spouse first, even when you have kids. I think that that's like key, Like that's that's key. Some things that we're going to leave behind. What are we gonna leave behind? Um? One thing I'm going to leave behind? Wow, I didn't even really give much much thought into this. I think we can leave behind um. You know, selfishness. That's something that is no longer an equation or in the equation

factors into the equation. UM. Leaving behind For me, I know, I'm like my way of doing things sometimes it is not necessarily the right way of doing things per se. And for a long time I was like, well, well I did it, though, like I did it, and I did it my way and it happened, and I don't I didn't realize how that in turn may kind of stress you out or it leaves you to then feel

like you're waiting on me to execute something. And just because I'm doing it my way doesn't necessarily mean it's right or doesn't mean that it's not causing you frustration because it may be a collective thing that we're trying to do, maybe just even from like a business standpoint. You know, I have to respect the fact that you know, just because I do it my way, I can't be sensitive to the fact that this is the way you do the same the same thing. You know. Does that

make sense? It makes sense. Yeah, I've I've legitimately figured it out. I am going to leave behind projecting what I think your your purposes in life and let you do it on your own, because I feel like these first ten years I spent a lot of time saying, hey, you know you'll be doing good at this. Okay, you know you'll be great at doing this. Kay, you need

to do it this way. If you want to be successful doing this, I'm gonna leave that in from I'm gonna leave all that behind and say, you know what, Hey, you figure out what it is you want to do, and I'm gonna support it no matter what, because that will that will leave me of some stress and anxiety of not watching you do things the way I want to do it. Plus it will also allow you the creative space to figure out what your purpose is because I kept saying to myself, I know what my wife's

purpose is. I know what she wants to be and what she wants to do, and when you weren't doing those things, it was disappointed. And I think those disappointments led to resentment. You know what I'm saying for for both of us, and I'm gonna leave that behind. Don't help me in turn too, because it will help me as I try to you know, battle my as I have been the areas that are procrastinating and don't get

things done. I feel like if I you know, it's kind of the onus is off of you if things don't get done, to be like, Okay, I'm here for you if you need me. However, do you think sis you know, and it's gonna be up to me to do my thing. And if I don't, then I will have to take the onus and say you know what, or accept that something may not have gotten or it

did get done and I can celebrate that. So I'm going to put out there that I will get the things done that I was procrastinating on as I've been trying to work on it, and you know I have been trying to work on it if you have been working on it. So but you know what this is. This is good and ultimately I think it's good for people to understand why we love to do dead as podcasts. Speaking out loud allows you to work through things. This is our form of therapy. You know, we don't have

a therapist. Um, we've learned each other through therapy through the podcast, so listening to each other to speak and and think out loud. Um, I've learned a lot. Let's take a quick break, was pay some bills to get to these ads and come back and do some listening letters. But I have learned through this process of listening to you now some more things about us that we can share another episode. But I definitely have like put some some little tabs there and say, you know what, that

would be a dolt podcast. We'll tell you when we get back from all right, sounds good? All right, all right, now we're back after paying these bills. We're back to Cadine's favorite nosy time of the show where you gets the listening letters from. Now it's time for me to get in y'all's business. I'm sparking off right now. All right, First, I want to say I absolutely love you guys, your podcast, your videos, everything. My fiance and I have had a lot in common with you too. We have been together

for thirteen years in January, congratulations. Since he was seventeen and I was. He asked me to marry him three years ago, shortly after we found that I was pregnant and we I have a beautiful three year old daughter. Congratulations again. Since then, he has been having a lot of cold feet. He knows that I value marriage and I am so ready to be married. I mean, hell, I pretty much spent half my life with him. We started out being best friends. So the love is great,

the parenting is great, the sex is amazing. Money could be better, but I know that will come as we grow. Um our one problem that bothers us, mostly him, is our communication isn't always up to par. You get into the monotony of life and sometimes we aren't talking about laughing like, oh, we're talking about laughing like we used to. I know. This scares him about getting married and not wanting to be bored. The vulnerability is they're just not the fun conversation all the time. So my question is

how can we keep our communication going and great? So my my first question when I read this is like, are you guys making time for yourselves to to do the things that you did when you were dating and you first got together. You know, I know sometimes when you throw a child into the relationship and she's three now, those three years might have been the test for him to be like, don't know, because things are very different

when children become involved, absolutely different, absolutely different. So back to what we just said towards the end of the meat of the show, um, making sure that we're putting each other first. So are you putting him first? And

is he putting you first? That would probably be a good place to start, Um, to make sure that you guys are on the same page with that, and that you're pouring into each other because it could be a thing where you're you're in mommy and daddy mode now and you kind of lost sight of what it was like to be here. Fiance's honestly, I would I would say that's exactly what it is. Things things seem to get still in a relationship when you lose sight of what the focal points should be. You know, you to

our life partners. You know what I'm saying, You tube should focus on each other and everything that comes after that should be secondary. It sounds crazy because we've heard the opposite. My kids are always going to come first. Your spouse has to come first. When you have a child, Automatically, your first instinct as a parent is to at the child first. But realistically, you can't even be the best version of yourself if you're not fulfilled within your relationship.

So I think you two should take some time, um, recoup, regroup, and say, you know what, I'm gonna go back to dating my my fiance. I'm gonna go back to making sure that he knows that he's number one, and he should go back to making sure that you're number one. Instead of both of you running to the child all the time. And that doesn't mean you neglect your children. That's not what we're saying, because you know there'll always be some extremists and be like they be neglecting Nate kids.

You know, what we're saying is that if you pour into each other, you have enough energy for everyone. So that's true. Actually, number eight on Nadine's this was regular date nights are a musk, but tracks together are amazing. So depending on what you guys, um have, if you have resources to be able to make sure those date nights happen, um, you need to break up that monotony because, let me tell you, after having kids, it's like bottles

and diapers and changing in here and there. The monotony is what I think also was a detriment to us to falling into this day in day out ships passing in the night. Like, you know, the main conversation we were having is like, well, where are you at today? What client do you have? All Right, I'm busy at this time. Okay, who's picking up Jackson? Okay? Dada? You got pampers? Dada? You know it was just like it was just so so Monday. You know why, because fun

comes from new experiences. No and nothing you do, no matter how fun it is, if you do it over and over and over again, it remains fun. It starts to lose its luster. You need new experiences. So oftentimes when relationship relationships become marriages and they become parents, um, you stop doing new things and experiencing new things because

your whole life revolves around the kids or work. What you have to continue to do is travel and experience new things because that is going to make things fun. It will give you that that monotonous conversation will disappear if you've gone to a new place because now you can talk about a new experience. You know what I'm saying, So make sure you do that. Yeah, the question being how can we keep our communication going and great? Is that making for each other, making time for new experience

each other? Love that? Good luck, y'all. I read it. My girlfriend and I will be celebrating one year Anne our when your anniversary in December. In the short amount of time together, we have discussed marriage, kids, and spend the rest of our lives together. We're so in love with each other that I know I'm proposing to her within the next year. With that being said, yeah, we'll be moving in together come summer one. This will be the first time that either of us have lived with

a significant other. We're both the oldest children in our families, so both both of us have the same quirks and particular vibes that come along with being the oldest child aka that oldest child stubbornness. We feel you on that. Any advice and tips for us as we get ready to make this huge step moving in together and working towards marriage. Oh you guys, this is hopefully they've been listening to this whole episode, because yeah, I feel like

there's a lot of of advice. But one thing we have learned, and we talked about this on the sex episode, is creating new experiences. Make life exciting, period, Like just do not get caught up in the mundane. You know, I'm married now, I gotta go to work and come home. I gotta have kids, gotta go work, come no find time to go on vacation, go on staycations within your city.

Codeine and I had some of the best sex in our lives being in Brooklyn, and it's staying at a hotel in Brooklyn because it was just a different experience than what we were doing. Get you a little deal, get a little deal, you know, you know what I mean. Have have some nice, amazing sex, go go see go to a theater, go go see a play, go do

something different. And then the conversations that come from those experiences remain fresh because and I have sat down and had hour long hours and hours of a long conversation about what we want to do and what we've been inspired to do based on the things that we've experienced. So continue to date each other throughout the process. Don't don't stop. And it sounds cliche, but it's really not cliche.

You do something great together. Even a couple of things on Nadine's list here that I had also pegged that were important agree on the foundation of your marriage or your relationship. So going into this marriage, going into this relationship, going into living together, what are the most things that are important for you as the building blocks or what are going to be the building blocks that have gotten you to this point and that will then be the

building blocks for your marriage. That's important conversation to have. Um also to just no annoying habits may not go away. That was number ten on her list. So as you move in with somebody. Now there's certain things that you've done living in your space and certain things that she's done living in her space that now you guys are going to be doing together. Devoutting his pile of clothes in the corner of the room when everything else is put away. It's gonna be a thing that, you know,

you may just have to get used to. Exactly the top being crazy with pick up and everything on it. You know, clean everything, believe the whole countertop, Sweep out piles of dirt into the corner and leave it different at the time. That's it. You're never gonna stop, no matter how many times you say it. That's it. It's just habits and little things like the VAL's feet being squeaky all over the floor because his feet are clamming all the time. I can't change. Like, there's just little

things that you're just gonna have. Little things like like farting in her sleep, Like little things like that. Not do it in my sleep, You don't know. Becauld you be sleep, you be sleep like little things like that, don't you know what I mean? So just be prepared for little things like that, little little quirks that each other may have UM and in turn you find a way to laugh about it over the years, for sure.

So good luck to y'all. I think y'all are on the right track and I'm happy to see that you guys are having the discussions about where you want your like to go. Absolutely, and if you'd like to be featured as one of our listening letters, email us at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com. Oh you flipped it this time. That's D A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com. Look look at the spell out loud a bit. What's your moment of truth for today? There were so many

moments of truth. I feel like I could pull from this UM. I guess going into this next ten years and on because I'm not on campus at twenty UM, but I feel like I am finally in a space where I am aware of who I am, though I embrace the change that will come in the next few years, because you know, I don't want to be the same person in ten years that I am now. I want to know that I've grown and that I've been able to contribute more and I've been able to do more

for myself and for my family. And for others. So I feel like if I'm doing that with you as my number one, my day one, the one who I'm pouring the most into um, that will only leave for an abundance that we can then give to others like we've continued to. So yeah, like that that kind of appeals in spills into my moment of truth, very simple moment of truth. Moment of truth for the vow ellis I fucking love being married? I love it. I just

I just love the lifestyle choice of being married. That was number one for me is that I just wanted to be married. So being able to figure out how to be happy within my marriage is just amazing for me. I love it. It's it's been a good ten years. I'm excited for the next ten years and I'm just excited to keep you number one. Like I am. I feel good about knowing that it's important for me to to keep you as the prime focus of this family unit.

Don't matter how much the kids need, how much they want where they are in life, you have to be number one. And that's my moment of truth. I love being married. It's fucking amazing, and I love my wife and you number one. Al right, I bro al right. Be sure to find us on social media at dead as the podcast absolutely and you know where to find me find out I hope, Cadeen, I am and I am devout. And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe. Baby Do It Do Its.

Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as to podcasts and never miss a Thing