How to Get the Ring

you need therby most days. Wow. And one more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing at the truth. Were about to take pillow Talk to a whole new level. Dead as starts right now.

This story time is gonna take me back to not the first time, but the second time you came to see me. So it had to be October five, two thousand and two. I remember we were chilling like we normally do on my bed at this point. It's funny how you say it like we normally do because we had only met like the second time. But I remember the second time we met, you know, things were a little bit more physical. We're making out, you know, all that stuff that happens here in mine. If you're listening,

I'm sorry, but that's what's happening. But I had to go to study hall because it was a Thursday. So I go to study hall and we were texting back and forth and he was like, hey, I had to run. I just want to let you know that I left

and I'm home safe. And I was like cool. I get back to my door him after study hall, and my bed is neatly made, like like a navy seal made my bed like she like ironed the sheets in the mattress, tucked in the mattress like it was hard for me to get the sheet out, it was tucked so tight. But there was also an envelope on my pillow, yes, and it had Booby written on the envelope, and I was like, who's Booby. I guess I'm Booby you know.

So I opened the envelope and there's a handwritten letter, an actual script with you telling me how you felt about our old encounter so far. And I'm not gonna lie. That was kind of like like a game changer, right, It was a game changer. And it was in that moment when you started two turned me around, because, like I said in my sound bite, I really didn't think in the beginning that you were wifey material. But I'll elaborate on that later. All right, I'll elaborate on the later.

I don't know the words of the song, but I don't care, because I know you ever care. We don't ever care we know this song or not, or if we can hold the note, say the first of all, please say the first besime, men own them only one. You're my wifey, maybe my life complete to me? See that's why you're my wife. That be your wifey? Will you be my wife Let's take a quick break after karaoke now, and um we'll get back to story time, so if I can elaborate, all right, so now we're back,

let me elaborate. Now, okay, elaborate on storytime because you said when you first met me, you didn't think I look like I didn't look like my wife and Tiler, was there something about me that scream? You? Always? When I first saw you, you you look like wife material. You you you were gorgeous like I just perfect, like angel without wings, Like the wings was tucked in your ass.

That's how That's how angels their wings. But I appreciate that if an angel had to store their wings on Earth and had a place to put them, the ask would be in the right place, would it be? Yes? Yes? But um no. The reason why I sat didn't think your wife the material because remember that summer, I was trying to get in contact with you, and you were just horrible with communication. Every time I called your parents house,

you wasn't available. Your sister was curving me. Then we had the whole situation where we were supposed to meet up, and then you called me last minute and said you weren't feeling well. Then I found out that you were chilling with somebody else. So why would I think that this person is wife the material? You was on your hot girl summer? I thought you was stot dot Lena. That's what I thought was not I was about my business. Well I didn't I didn't know that at the time

that you was. You know, you want to passant, I do that, but I didn't know that you had to like tour, So I thought that you were just playing games. That's why I didn't think your wife material makes sense. On top of that, I didn't want you to be wifey material because I didn't want a girlfriend. We we

always talked about this. I was eighteen years old. I was in a relationship with a young lady who was sixteen, and everyone was telling me at the time going into college, like devou you need to focus on school and in football, right, And I don't even mentioned when you think about the age difference now sixteen and eighteen, like that can get real here. Yeah. I mean at the time, I was a senior in high school and she was a sophomore, So it wasn't that taboo at that time. You know nowadays, Yeah,

people will be all over the place. He's a growing adult, growing man, and she's a child, and I get it. But we were both in the same high school, so I didn't think that. But what really made me start thinking about it was my d MS and questions I get from women. Right, they all asked me at what point did you know that Codeine was the one and what made what did she do to make you feel like she was the one you wanted to marry? Right?

And for the life of me, I was just like, Conein didn't do anything to make me want to be a husband to be married. I always wanted to be married, right, But then I had to really think about like she had to do something for me to think that she was the one, because I wouldn't have just married and I's worthy of being asked to be your wife. So I was like, let me really sit back and think

about it. So true was we were chilling last night in between episodes, and we were just always always making jokes and triople just like I gotta find out from Codein what she did to be wifey material, right, And I was drinking some bears and I smoked a little bit, so I just started, like my creativity be on a thousand win. And it really brought me back vividly to the moments. And that is one of the moments that stuck back to me, like it stuck with me, like yo,

I came back and my bed was made. But it was the handwritten letter that made me feel like she really took time. You wrote in cursive like person is a lost art. I know I've been saying I want the kid to take that up. I mean, it's really good for them. Their cognitive skills are really good, writing in cursive and drawing and stuff like that. But they're never gonna use some stuff for their name. That's it. But it makes me want to ask you a question

why you do that? Like no, because because me and Triple talked about this, Like in this day and age, a lot of people, women in particular, be like I ain't doing no Schiff don't and I don't know because I and I'm like real or you did all of that? What if I was a scumback right? What if I would have got that letter, read it, laughed at it, crumbled it up, through it in the toilet, and still like proceeded to just be a scumback? Like what made you commit to jumping out the window like that on

the second date? Like you know, I think part of it for me was definitely being naive. Like I said in the past, this was my first time out of my Pearance home. Actually wasn't even quite out there home at this point. I was still UM at a community college. I was still commuting to and from home, so I wasn't on campus yet, and this was my first like real boyfriend situation that I could foresee happening, um, even though at the time I was not necessarily looking for that.

But there was just something about you that I knew early on, So not having had an extensive background dating guys and what like that, I felt like, maybe, you know, this was just my way of expressing it. Where I probably would have sent you a voice note or a text message in this day and age, you know now, I wouldn't be right, and that's what we did, you know, twenty something years ago. So um, part of it was me just probably not even thinking that you would have

taken it that way. I think mainly because of how I our interaction was. The first day that we chatted, chatted for like what was it three or four hours, almost five hours in your room. Everything just felt so natural and so normal, like old friends getting together and hanging out again. So that was probably the last thing that crossed my mind that you were definitely some sort of scumbag, you know. And I think also too, because our paths had kind of crossed throughout our lives, even

when we were younger. I kind of knew that you were from a good family. I knew that you just were a genuine person. Um, my heart probably definitely would have been broken if you didn't do something like that, but that wasn't on the forefront of my mind. It was more so me trying to find a way to just let you know how I felt, um, trying to be expressive. I always loved writing anyway, so I was like, Yeah,

I'm gonna just leave him a note. And sometimes you just want to be able to get your thought out uninterrupted, so it's more intimidating to tell somebody that face to face. So I felt like, let me just do this little note right here, which I think might have been a page or two, But it was just letting you know how much I enjoyed the time that we had spent together so far, knowing that I was looking forward to

more of that. Even though we both made it clear in the beginning that we weren't necessarily looking for a boyfriend a girlfriend. I just wanted you to know that I at least valued our interactions thus far because I

hadn't experienced anything like that either. Let me tell you something crazy, right in this day and age, if you go on one day with a girl and she were too because they're not going to write a hammering letter, send you a voice note or a text message or an email that's a page and a half of how much she enjoyed it, most dudes, is gonna be like red flag. Very people love red flags flagging people like flags people. And for me, it wasn't really just that

moment that was the beginning of the moment. Why wasn't that a red flag for you? Then? Why didn't you think look at it and be like, yo, just girls crazy? To be honest, I just thought it was so like just amazing to be felt like for someone to feel that way about me, right Because I I've said it's a whole bunch of times I did not want a girlfriend. I was prepared to break up with the current girl

that I was talking to. One because she was young and I was in college and I felt like I wanted to be able to do things and move freely and not feel attached to anyone. But also number two, she couldn't be there the way I needed her to be there. She was in high school, she didn't drive like her Mom's not gonna bring her up every other day. You were driving every other day. So I never thought

that I was going to have a girlfriend. So it wasn't a red flag as much as it was just like, oh, this is cute, like this is nice, but it warmed my heart. Being the oldest in the house, I never felt like anyone worried about me. I felt like my parents were always like the VAL's gonna be fine. You know. I was the oldest and I had to take care of my brother and had to take care of my sister. I never felt like anyone cared about me like that, except for my aunt Debbie, like she would check up

on me. My grandma while would check up on and remember we used to go see my grandma while war all the time. So for the first time, it was somebody outside of my family who just randomly use the thought and to make me feel special. Right. Yeah, that's something that it makes sense now because you talked to you spoken about how you felt that way like all your life growing up that nobody really like here to that extent and they loved you, but you felt like

you were always kind of overlooked. Yes, I felt like I felt like I was yours. Like when it comes to my parents, my parents prepared and equipped me for life like you do a firstborn. Like they prepared me to be independent, to be strong, to do things on my own, to be you know, unyielding and what I what I wanted. But I never felt like that nurturing feeling from my parents. And part of the reason why I am the I am is because of my parents. I appreciate them for that. But my aunt Debbie always

checked the mean, how are you doing, poople? You know what I'm saying. My grandma wah wah. She used to always listen to my games on the radio and stuff like that, and we sound wow old listen to of my games on the radio. But um no, she like those two women were the ones who really I just checked up on me on my uncle Frank, my godfather, he would check up on me. But at the same time, you know, our Debbie has her own son, that's her first son. My Grandmomana has her own kids and grandkids,

and I'm sure she checked up on everybody. I'm saying. My my godfather, he's a dude, so he check up on me in the way he checked up on me, you know, shoot me and Texas brothers checking on you. You You know what I'm saying before a woman that I don't know, to make me feel like I was special. I did feel like I was yours, like I was your thing that you were putting on exadmiration into. Then it was the second thing you did. We were um. I was hungry one night and I typically went to

Dutch treats. Um. I always brought my tuna, fish, my eggs. I bought my stuff for breakfast because I loved breakfast. And I remember you had stayed the night when this was like one of the first nights that you stayed over. You had on your laughing the little short panty set and you're laughing Debra set and it was swayed. I'm nothing so little. UM. I remember you you first of all, the fact that you had a matching. It was like

a little cameras and you thought about that. I was like, yo, this woman is really like we were eighteen, like we was young. But you put a lot of energy into that moment. It's the first time you say to night. But I also remember, I don't know if you remember this night I was hungry, and you were like, what do you have any groceries here? And I was like, yeah,

I always keeps talking my friends. And you went and got the a's and the bacon and you made breakfast at like two in the morning, and I was like, what is happening? You know, like like, first of all, he is through stomach and I never thought that, you know, I never said, well, if she does these things, then I know she's wife and material. But it was just

the compilation of things. On top of that, when it was time for me to apply for classes, and you was like, I'll hope your pop classes because I was an athlete and I had to apply for certain classes at certain times and if you didn't apply on certain times, you wouldn't get in the classes. Then you had to maneuver your schedule around practice and travel. So you remember, you got all of my classes that I wanted. I headed down to a science literally down to a science.

I think this really is what it was. You had all of the codes for the classes. Then you put all of the codes for the classes in different different slots, and at twelve o'clock, literally I was sitting there like like chomping at the bits, wait and hit the answer button. I was like, I was like, she got life hacks. So so she fine, she's thoughtful, she can cook, she got life hacks. And the last one I told Triple last night, we was sucking like rabbits. Yes, we were

like rabbits. So for me, it was just like it was like, yo, like this, this is like what else do I do? I want? You know what I'm saying? Like we and before we did all of that, we were like best friends. We talked forever. We definitely did a lot of our conversation. A lot of our time spent together was just like talk talking about so many

different things. You know what I'm wondering now, I wonder if there is Like I said, I was maybe naive in that moment, but is there like an innocence at that age that you still had or we still had where those simple things were just enough versus imagine if we were in the dating scene now or in our

late twenties early thirties. There's so much ego that's built up by that point that people are afraid a to be who they are, so they're showing up to these interactions and these relationships as representatives of who they are and not really being themselves I think for fear of

being ridiculed or for fear of being judged. Um. I do social media age has a lot to do with it now too, But I think us just being in that space and just not really having experience with other people, um, not really knowing exactly what we wanted or what we were looking for. But it just we're really going off of what felt right in that moment. And I think everything as it began to roll out for us just felt so right in each moment that it escalated so quickly. Um,

and there was just no denying it, you know. But but here's my thing. Though you had dated other guys in the past, you didn't do every all of that for them all the time. UM. No, I didn't. I didn't. I think I didn't have the freedom to either though, because I was very like under my parents thumb a lot. So it's like for me to pop up and do something special for them at their house or my house

that just wasn't happening, you know. So I felt like it was something that was always in me, and it's little things that I would used to observe, you know. When my mom used to do for my dad growing up, or just like you know, everybody watches movies and says the people do so it's like you want to kind of make those things your own. So for me, Um,

I think we also made it easy too. For me, is that you if we I guess if we turned the tables a little bit here and think about the things that you had done to make me know like, Wow, this guy is it. I don't think there were a lot of specific moments per se, though I do felt very protected um by you early on, like there was a genuine concern for me, Like you still do this

to this day. Becau. You don't leave this house and I get to where you're going without calling, they're okay, And you would call me down and be like, hey, are you home, And I'm like, oh, shoot, I just walked in the house and just got in the shower, and you're like, yo, don't have me on this belt park where coming and find you if you don't call

me when you get home. Um. But I think what I was so attracted to with you and what made me feel like, wow, this man could potentially make an amazing boyfriend, husband, and father one day, it's just seeing your approach with everything that you did, your approach with football, your approach with academics, your approach with eventually the NFL UM your approach with everything in life was always a thousand percent. And I'm like, if he's doing this with

everything in his life. And I saw the way you interacted with your family and the way you support into your siblings, I'm like, those are the things that I looked for or that I was like, Wow, this person here is going to be excellent and he's going to excel at everything that he does. And I think that he would be no different when it came to a relationship excuse me, marriage or eventually fatherhood. And I saw

that early. I saw that really really early on. That's that's crazy, because, um, it's funny to hear you talk about you watched how I approach life. I watched how you approached me. M you see what I'm saying. So, And I don't know if that's a man woman think or if it's just um particularly how we were, but you watched me and you said, the way I treat life is how I'm going to treat you. I literally watched you and the way you approached me and said that would be the best thing for me. Women always

asked me what was Cade's prayer? And I think this is important to talk about. Codean was doing all of these things and show when me that you were worthy of being a wife. Right. I always knew in my heart that I wanted to be a husband. So for me, it wasn't like I don't know if I want to be a husband or not, and you made me want to want to be a husband or you convinced me

that was never the case. I just knew that after you showed me the things that you showed me, I wanted to share the fact that I wanted to be a husband with you. You see what I'm saying. So because a lot of women asked me all the time, what did could deem do to make you want to settle down? And at first I didn't really understand it, you know saying, cause I was like, no, I always

want to settle down. I just chose her. But those things that you did made me want to settle down with you, the way you cared and nurtured for me. But also, like you just said, when I think about how where we were, you were you a graduated top of your class at Bethlehem, you graduate Valiatorian graduated top of your class at Middwood. I'm watching you get all a's and how sure it was like this woman is a god get her as well as being a nurturer.

So it's almost very similar the way you approach life. I was kind of like that and the way she approaches life. If she approaches me that way, will be fine. And I was willing to share everything with you because of how you you you came into this relationship, but there is something that you said that kind of made me kind of be like, oh, now I'm kind of not concerned I love you after two weeks. No, No,

it wasn't. It wasn't I love you. But it was like you said that you weren't able to share that with other men early on because you were under your parents. Don't similar to me, right, So it's like that I was the first person you were able to share that with. So does that mean that if you would have shared that with someone else who was a scumbag? Would you have been deterred from doing that for the next guy?

Because a lot of women, they're they're not eighteen, they're not naive, and I hear a lot of men say a lot of my boys were singers, like, you gotta get a young woman who's not scorned about the dating circle, because if she's been scorned by the dating circle, you're

never going to get to meet the real her. And I mean you just validated that right because you said part of the reason why you did it because you had never done it before, and you just jumped out the window like this is what I saw, this is romantic, is what I should do. That's actually a super valid um question. I mean valid uh idea, because it's true. I think about even friends of mine who are now, for example, divorced and are very adamant. I think it

can go two ways. They're very adamant about what they want because they know now what they want, they know what they didn't like in the past, they know what they've done in the past that didn't work, and they may want to tail or make something different to somebody else. However, that also then opens you up to people feeling like, wow, am I going to have to bear the cross of all of the people and you have dealt with and then now for me, I can't even get you as

you want to be because you're so guarded. UM. So that's definitely I think a valid concern because for me at eighteen, like I said, I didn't I didn't know any better. I was just doing freely what I wanted to do. UM. And I can see how a woman if she does that for a couple men, you know, who may not be the one at that time, where she can just be like, you know, I'm not doing

ship for these niggas no more. It's all about me what can I get which And then now in turn becomes the issue with dating, you know, when you're in your later twenties and thirties and stuff, it's like you're dating now with a defense up, you know, because you're just your guard is up and you're like, I can't like,

these are the things that I'm looking for. And maybe that will help in the future with them because you know, they'll be able to weed out things based off of the stuff that they're now searching for um or there may be those red flags that they see that say, you know what, I'm not going back down this path. I don't care who it is, you know. So that's a that's a valid concern. Tuple also board up another point. Not only were we just young and naive, but we

were also broken ship. So if you're not thinking about what this person is trying to get from me when you have nothing to give them to, you know, but the meal points right. But dudes, but dudes will come to me all the time and be like, yeah, because I court of you when we went on dates, I paid for all of the dates. I made sure that I, you know, reciprocated. But I love that doors like little things like opening doors and car doors. And but I also never felt like you were just trying to get

something from me because I never had anything. And that's what happens when you're eighteen and dating. Because you don't have nothing, you you don't have no fear. A lot of my my guy friends who are dating now, they'll be putting caps on things and they have so many rules right Like for example, one of my homeboys is like, listen, if we just start talking, depending on the vibe I get, we may do a coffee. We're not doing dinner right away because I have to find out over coffee if

you're worth of the date. Then on the date, I have to find out how much I'm willing to spend if I'm going to do if I'm gonna do a date and drinks, because if I do a date and drinks, now we're talking about four hundred five hundred dollars. I'm not just gonna be spending four hundred five dollars to get to know if I want to be with this person. That's a lot of money. And I have heard through the rape vine women that be like, listen, I want

a meal, I'm hungry, I want to go out. Let me call homeboy because he's going to take me out. And it becomes like a thing where people are just using each other for meal. So what what is that about? I mean, this is what the dating life is like. And people ask me all the time, like how did we get to this point? I honestly feel like it's in part because we hadn't We didn't have to go

through that that date life. We went through a whole lot of years of having nothing, than having than having nothing nothing again, and then having to rebuild again, so that if anything was going to stand the test of time or the test of tribulations, it was going to be that for us for sure. So you know what I want to do now? Before we had to break. I want to proclaim and I hope the triple listening.

I want to do a podcast about how to date once you've achieved some goals in life, because it's more at stake. It's easy of a date when you broke. But I do want to date. I do want to date when you I want to do a podcast about how to date when you've already achieved some goals in life and you have more to lose and more to state, because that's complicated, y'all. I'll envy you at all with you.

All right, let's take a break and get into some ads, pay some bills, and we'll be back with listening letters. All right, guys, be back with listening letters. Yes, sir, these these is long, like these where you'll be finding these listening letters from people into these listening letters. I love it. I'll read the first one. There's a whole chapter book ahead. Damn, I can't even grow fast enough. All right, um, hey, y'all, I love you like cook food, love you back, and just wanted to pick up you

in your beautiful family first and foremost, thank you. This is kind of long. It is so boom from New York, so The problem I'm having is a financial one. I'm married. It will be three years in a few months, but we've been together for ten years and we're fresh first time parents, like had the baby during the whole panorama fresh. I love how we have alternate names of the pandemic. Now we're expecting our second child. Before we had children, we decided it was best for me to stay home

and not return to work. However, I feel like my husband is under a lot of pressure to provide for us. My husband is an entrepreneur enthusiast, and we've had our fair share of financial disappointments throughout the years. All these years, I've seen my husband work to make his boss's dreams

come true. As an employee. In two thousand and fifteen, he branched out and became an entrepreneur while holding down jobs to support his dream I've seen him pull hope and motivation out of the sky to keep developing business ideas and seek out investors. The most to make matters worse, he was laid off during the pandemic. If the pandemic has shown us anything it's that nothing is stable for a lot of us. We moved to be closure to family and to recover from this financial hit. But good

paying jobs are pretty bleak where we live now. He's been investing heavily in crypto as a means to build financial freedom, but it will soon be time. It'll soon be time to find a higher paying job. All this to say it's affecting his ability to be present as a father because he's trying to gain money for us. He says, he's sacrificing being present right now to ensure a good financial future for us. Have you or anyone you know gone through this? And what's a piece of

advice you can give? How can balance? How can he balance fatherhood and being a provider to find a stable job. The pressure is real, and this is you, This is you a couple of years ago, me to a t U. First and foremost, I I appreciate the entrepreneur enthusiasts. Right, It's not easy. It's a very difficult dream. Um. I remember saying to Cadeen specifically that I feel conflicted having to spend so many hours building my dream and not

spending more time with my children. And I remember Candeen saying to me the vow these kids ain't even four. They ain't gonna remember none of this ship anyway. We'll do what you gotta do so you can be here for us in the future and not for nothing. That's exactly what happened. I spent the first ten years of my life building businesses like not ten years of my life. The first ten years of our marriage. Um, first ten years of our marriage was all about me building UM.

I was playing in the NFL. First. Everybody knows that making really good money got cut. Recession happened, similar to y'all with the Pana Marma Panda Marra. We lost. We lost pretty much everything due to the recession. The property we bought lost value, we lost equity and the homes. The stock market was terrible. We lost cash because we was trying to survive. So we pretty much moved back to to Brooklyn and was living paycheck to paycheck. And at that time I didn't have a steady nine to

five job. So the difference between you guys and us is that we didn't have children at that point yet. But Codeine had gotten pregnant when we came back from the honeymoon, and I still didn't have a full time job, so we had and the thing was Codeine and I both said we wanted her to stay home when we had children, but the truth of the matter was it just wasn't possible. At that time. We needed insurance. I didn't have a steady jobs, so Codeine started working at

MAC full time just to give us insurance. Plus she was helping with the rent and everything, because we're not technically helping with the rent. I always covered the rent, but she always had money coming in, and it was like a just in case, like devout. I know you said you got everything, but but just in case, this is what it is. And there were many situations where if she didn't have that just in case fund, she wouldn't been able to go shopping, she wouldn't been able

to do certain things for food, like bare necessities. Like we were living in New York three bet room apartment with a child. We had two cars, we also had properties. The vast majority of the money that I was scraping together with the five jobs I had, was going to managing the businesses, and Codeine's money was going to maintaining the household other than paying the ranks. I always made

sure that the rent was covered. But um, I say all that to say this, I know what you guys, plan is or plan was, but life happens, and the plan may have been for you not to work, but Code working for those two years. I think he worked full time. Conde work full time for two years and then dropped back to freelance so that she can make her own money as opposed to working for a boss. Was the greatest decision that we made, because if we didn't make that decision, I don't think we would have

gotten here. Being an entrepreneurs tough. There's ebbs and flows, ups and downs. Um. I would tell your husband that he needs to work every job he can work in order to pay for whatever you guys need. But those first four years of life, he will be present when he gets home. But none of my kids have ever said dad, you know. When I was three, I looked around and I didn't see nobody ever said that because I was going a lot. But after after Kate, when Jackson was too and k was able to drop back home,

I was in the gym eighteen hours a day. That's not an exaggeration. I was. I was building that gym business because I wanted to be able to support our family. And on top of that, I was working at MSG varsity as a color commentator. I was doing in studio analysts work. I was doing commercials. I worked as a substitute teacher. I worked as a gym teacher. What else I did? I was a personal trainer. I was a personal trainer. Um, I think I did of things he did.

Like I said, going back to the topic of the show, I saw early on how you attacked everything in your life, So something like that was not anything different for me. I just knew that it was my place too. Then once I was able to cut back in freelance, I was able to be almost like stay at home mom because I was still working. But it then gave you the flexibility to then go and do what you had to do. Because we know that Jackson was taken care of in the Instagram between me and my family and

your family. UM, so the support definitely, I would encourage me to continue. That it's great that he's has the entrepreneurial, enthusist spirit and that he's actually working at it and it's not just a dream that he's just hoping will happen, but he's actually out there attempting to make it happen. And she said he's pulling motivation out the sky and all that. That's a good sign that I think they'll

be all right. I just think that he I think entrepreneurs need to know that it's okay to work for someone while you build your dream, you know, like necessary almost this is a horrible like a horrible correlation, but it's true. Right when you're a drug dealer, even that's an entrepreneurial spirit, right, But when you first get your first set of drugs, it's on consignment. You're working for someone. You're building their business until you can stand on your

own to build your own business. And ultimately, the goal is to become the connect. Right, It's the same thing as an entrepreneur. You want to be the connect, but you can't be the connect without first working for the connect to learn how the business works. This idea for entrepreneurs that I'm gonna quit my job and figure it out,

especially when you have kids. And this is men. Men, when you have a wife who's giving you kids, I think that it's it's careless, thoughtless and selfish for you to sacrifice the security of your family because you have a dream that you want to pursue. There's a way to do both. You know, and and sometimes I know. People say there has to be there can be no plan B because plan B only distracts from plan A.

And I understand that. But for me, my plan A included me working for someone for a couple of years until I figured it out. So your plan A has to be a strong plan. And and it sounds like you guys love each other enough to y'all speak to each other. You can figure it out together, So make it happen. We're gonna pray for you, guys, and I have the utmost confidence that you guys will make it

work sure. Number two, I'm forty three years old, married with one child that loves that leadst for college in August. My husband and I have been together since we were seniors in high school. Similar to us, we've been married nineteen years. Similar to us were I was twenty four and he was twenty five, and we were not married for nineteen has been together twenty years. Sorry, I was twenty four and he was twenty five. I know kay dabbles and horoscopes. I am a Capricorn and he is

a Scorpio. I have no idea what none of that means. We've gone through infidelity on his part, and just compatibility issues. I left the house and stayed in my own place for two years. I recently moved back into the home for financial reasons. He wants us to get back together. My issue is that he is selfish and not a team player. I often listened to your podcast and find myself comparing my husband's beliefs on family to devows. My husband is not a provider of protector, So how do

we have the same? Says? Comparing comparing nots so more as more like contrasting. He makes the money to be to be so, but feels like he should pay fifty close to that as he thinks is fear wow. One situation in particular is I quit working with his blessing to go to nursing school. He immediately started cheating and treating me like a burden. He has told me on several occasions, I owe him because he took care of

the family while I pursued my dreams. This was twelve years ago, and he still brings it up whenever we argue. He rationalizes infidelity, and no matter how many times he can admit that he was wrong, he always seems to figure out a way to rationalize it. With all that being said, I love him, I wish things were different, but I don't like his beliefs or views on life. On the flip side, I do not want to fail at marriage. That that that right, there is a problem.

I want to show my daughter what a successful marriage looks like. And I just don't want to be single in this cesspool. He's tried. We've tried counseling one session and he acted like a complete asshole. I ended up getting up and walking out, so our refused. I don't even need to read them more parts of this. I already see what was happening here. Already see what's happen You see what's happening here. He's a whole one. Thing don't do is judge other people's relationships. So we're not

going to judge a relationship. But I will say this, right, you walk into a marriage being prepared to serve HM. If you walk into marriage saying, I hope I get everything I can get out of this relationships, let me keep all of my things to the side here because they're mine, not yours. Then you don't want to be married, You don't want to be mad, you want the benefits of having a spouse, but you don't want to be married.

And that's what it sounds like he's dealing with, right, for example, the whole I'm gonna pay as close to fifty fifty as I can, and if you're going to chase your dreams, I'm gonna hold you down. But I'm gonna constantly remind you. That doesn't sound like someone is being a service, you know what I'm saying. That sounds like someone who's very selfish. Sounds like a freaking loan officer. If you ask me, you know, I'll let you out.

You got to pay the toll, right, And um, it's hard to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't find the value and being a partner. Yeah, because she's saying that he wants us to get back together. So my thing is what he's just gaining the benefits of being with you when it's convenient for him, because he's still cheating according to this, like when you went back

to nursing school and all that. So you're trying to show your your daughter what a successful marriage looks like, and the marriage is not what I would say is maybe successful in this moment, that's difficult to like. It's it's it's actually oxymoron. You know, you're not going to show her teaching a settle and stay with them no matter what they do and how they treat you, because

if you leave, then you're a failure. That's that's the message you're giving your daughter, and that's the wrong message you want to give anybody because you don't like, here's the thing. You do not have to stay in a relationship that does not serve you. You don't have you don't have to stay in that relationship, and you're not considered a failure because you made a choice for yourself. You're saying right now, what you're thinking about is what

everyone else will think. When you start to say to yourself, I don't want to fail at marriage. That means that you believe everybody else will look at you and say you failed if you left this marriage, as opposed to saying this is a victory and a triumph for me to recognize that I'm a gift to someone else and

someone else needs to honor that gift. This relationship is not bringing any value to me or my life, which which is okay, because if you're going to go into a marriage and or go into a relationship and be selfless and say I'm going to serve. There is a part of that serving that says I wanted to be reciprocated. I'm going to serve and serve and serve. But it's so also okay to say, you know what, I'm not being served and that's fine because this person may not

know how to serve me. If you've communicated multiple times that you want to be served certain way and that person doesn't want to do that, there within their right. But you can leave. You're not stuck. That's a fact because with the whole serving thing, if you're going to be serving your spouse, you expect that it's going to be reciprocated, So your needs are going to be met either way. So if that's not happening, then what exactly are we doing here? And she said she's forty three,

doesn't want to be in the dating cesspool. I can completely get to but you're in the marriage cesspool, right right, that's just the truth. Like people, people don't want to hear it. I don't want to leave this because it's hard out there. It's hard where you are, and if you're if your spouse is constantly making your life hard and difficult. You don't have to stay there, you just don't. You don't. And she said her daughter is about to

leave for college. So I'm sure at that age she has good sense to see what's been transpiring in their relationship and in the marriage. And it may be too late. She might be like, Yo, my father's woking all over my mother. For all these years, you'd be surprised with kids. See from a young age, you'd be surprised with kids,

see early on. Good luck to you sis. All right, y'all, if you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, be sure to email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com and send us your whole dissertation. That's right, that's d E A D A S S A d V I c E at gmail dot com. All right, moment of truth devours prayer and Caden's prayer first. Um I can go first. I guess my moment of

truth with this whole thing here. Um, I can only speak to the time that we had together meanings dating early on, because we talked about how different it could be if we started dating in like our late twenties, and our really thirties and whatnot. Um, But the biggest thing for me, I think was being sure that I showed up true to who I was and who I wanted to be in that moment. That way, you were

able to experience me in my truth. UM, that was super important as I approached what I didn't even know was going to be a relationship with you. I think because I was my authentic self in those moments, you were really able to to see who I was and then decide that I was somebody you wanted to continue

to date and then eventually marry. So I think I would encourage people, if they can, to try to show up as their truest self, because then they would be better able and better equipped to allow someone to say, you know what, this is someone that I genuinely connect connect with or not, and then you go from there. Yeah. I mean, that's that's real. I did have. I had

a moment of truth prepared. It's funny when you have a moment of truth prepared before the podcast and then you speak through the podcast, which is what podcasts before, and then there's like a moment of clarity, my moment of truth and this is the truth I feel like we were blessed. We were blessed to meet each other when we had nothing because all we could offer each

other was each other. And because we both had nothing and knew that all we could have was each other, it was easy for us to be genuine and organically build something without looking for red flag because we both

had nothing to lose. And that's really just a moment of truth, Like every blessing, we gained everything working together, not having to think about individually what we had to lose, because when you really think about it, every single thing that we gained throughout the course of our relationship together was because we were doing it together absolutely like there was no there was no triumph, there was no victory where one felt it more than the other because it

was collective, regardless of whose dream or whose goal, it was absolutely and and still rings true to this day. So that's my moment of truth. Man, I do I'm not gonna allow you know how sometimes we want to have like a positive ending in any more. I feel kind of like I don't know what to tell people who are a little bit older, who had certain levels of success in life, because once you get to your

mid to late twenties. A lot of people, if they figured things out, they want to protect what they've figured out on their right. So I don't know what that feels like when meeting someone new, you know what I'm saying, And I remember saying to my so, why do industry

people only day industry people? When I'm starting to realize, when you have something to lose, you you look for someone else who has something to lose too, because because now you know that that person has their own thing and they're not looking at you as a meal ticket, right or you know, you can understand that this person understands your play, or knows your work, or knows what goes into it. Um knows how hard it is to

accrue all these things, you know. Um, So yeah, good luck to y'all out there, because yes, good luck to y'all. It ain't easy, but what is easy for you? To find us on social media? You can follow us at dead as the Podcast and I'm Kadina I am and I am devouting. If you're listening on Apple podcasts, be

sure to rate, review, and subscribe. Dead as dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the Noorapinia and triple follow the podcast on social media at dead as the Podcasts and never miss a thing. It is the Wave.