Hot Girls & Hoochie Daddies

other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple. That as to the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take pillow

to up to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now. I'm gonna take us back to summertime two thousand and four. This was at the end of my junior year in college. Your senior year in college, Kadeina and I, as usual, were going through our typical ups and downs, ebbs and flows of relationships, right you love

each other one day, hate each other next day. Right on top of that, Kadina and I had run into an issue with her mom where this is very well documented that Mimi was very very hard on me, and at this point I was deciding to not spend any time around her side of the family. So when we came back to Brooklyn in the summertime, it was just at my parents house and then she would go in time with her family. But I was at my parents

house the whole time this summer. It was this is when I was in college, Brian was in college, and Terry was staying by the house. Shout out Terry Crenshaw. But um, this one summer particular, Kadina and I was arguing about everything and I was like, you know what, I think we need a break mhm. And Codin was like, fine, you want to break the viale, I'll give you a break. Because I was like, no, no no, no, Ain't, it's about

what I want. Do you want to break? And she kept saying to me, why do you keep asking me if I want to break? And at that point I said, listen, if we're gonna do this thing, call forever. I want you to know for certain that you want to be with me forever. I think you need to take some time for yourself and make a decision of whether or not you want to be in this forever. Because we kept arguing about what we both wanted, but we couldn't get on the same page. And at this night, Kadin said, fine,

let's take a break. I said, in my parents house. She slept at her parents house. Wake up the next morning. The Dean calls me immediately when she wakes up, and it's outside of my parents house. And we proceeded to spend the next summer the exact same way we spent the two summers prior together, and we've spent every summer since then just like that. You ain't none, but mama, you ain't none, but mama, you ain't none, but you ain't none, but you ain't none but mama? Who comes?

Who knows what movie that's from? Does anybody I give you? If I don't know, you don't know, you don't remember what the song I just remember what well you could Dean Joseph right now. But Friday, it was a Friday, Yes, I know it was one of them. Come on, man, Friday belly. No, it wasn't juicing belly. Belly was a little bit late. It was Friday, Friday, alright, Friday, come on, you gotta know that. But before we take a break,

I want to point this out. When they used to sing songs about hot girls summers, they would call them huti mama's. You ain't nothing but to get a webs bit, right, But now you got the hot girls talking about hot girls summers. And so let's discuss this. After we pay some of these bills. We'll be back. All right, we're back, Now, we're back. I feel like you know about I was robbed with my hot girls summer or whatever y'all want to call it. Now. Um, I was robbed with it,

but not by you, per se. And I robbed myself because I definitely told you so'll do what you want to do. Yeah, you know, people say, you know I would be missed if I didn't what I feel remissed. This is one instance where I was just like, man, I could have used the good just just to see what it was like. You ain't the only thing what I'm saying, I mean from when I really think about

my twenties. I spent a lot of my time in my twenties catering to you and vice versa, and because we thought that that's what we were supposed to do, right our parents warned us, though both of our moms warned us to say, hey, y'all get into this a

little too early. And if we're being honest, it worked out for us, because I mean, we're still here, so there's no one way to find yourself in a happy relationships giving anomaly though, because I don't think this is well, there are some statistics that state that doing things the way we've done things produce an outcome that's more inclined to be successful in marriages, and we're gonna get to those. But before we get to those, I want to hear why you feel like you missed out on the hot

girl something. Well, because I've never had that experience. Like I said, you know, going literally from my parents household to in essence, your household or whatever we were creating for ourselves together never really gave me the opportunity to do that and on those moments when we were not together, you know, whether it was for a week or for

a couple of weeks. Um, I think my focus at the time was instead of being on myself and not just me being out there in these streets, but just me in general and Cadine as an individual and what do you want out of life and you know, what's gonna make you happy. I think I was more concerned with how to get back in your good graces, and that in turn just completely took my focus away from

that in general. Um. But yeah, like if I think if we both had an opportunity just to just you know, go do our things, meet people day and and to me, it's not even just about sex. It's about just meeting people, going out juggling men for a little bit, you know, seeing personalities like that's something that we never had a chance to experience. So do you feel like you you missed out on it or do you feel this resentment

towards me? Yeah, definitely, no resentment at all. But it's one of those things like if you could do life all over again, or if you could speak to your twenty year old self, what would you say. Um? And in those moments. That's definitely what definitely what it would have been is like, you know, go out there and just see what's out there. And then the crazy part is the people who are out there never want to

be out there, just like, damn, there's nothing here. So that's what I was going to say, because my boys who are still saying today and some of them who

did enjoy their twenties just live in life. Um, for me, it is fomo, right, or it was fomo because I never had that true bachelor pad life where I could just juggle women and not think about it because even on the times we have breaks when I entertained other women, in the back of my mind it was like, I can't go too far, do too much because I don't

want to disrespect codeine. So I never had a chance to really go out there really, So even in those moments, you know, I do sometimes feel like, Dan, what would it have been? Like, you know, it's just fomo. But then I not boys who'll be like, you don't miss out on much because I was out there and it gets shallow and it feels good in the beginning, but

then after a while it gets overally fast. Say the you know my female friends, who I speak to her in that boat or who maybe back in that boat now after a divorce, for example, Like you know they're just like man, you know they over here. It's nothing to be concerned about because there's just nothing here. But I want to speak to my fear and why. I know a lot of people gonna be like, yo, do why would you push your your girl to go out and have a hot girl somewhere? Right? Let me be clear,

I never pushed codeine out. It was never that my biggest fear in life, right, because I don't like to be caged. If that's one thing you know about me, people say it's everything, or I don't. I don't know what it is. I don't like to feel like I have to be somewhere. It doesn't matter. If it's a relationship, it doesn't have a matter. If it's work, it doesn't matter,

even if it's my kids. Right, if someone asked me to do something, For example, Jack said, hey, Dad, uh, don't forget to turn on the pool because we have so and so. Right, got you, bro, I'm gonna turn on the pool. Ten minutes later he goes, Dad, turned on the pool. Now I'm not doing it just because you told me you wanted me to do it in that moment. That it's not being petty, it's just I

want to be able to make the choice for my being. Like, I don't want to ever feel an obligation to someone because I don't feel like we owe each other anything. We're supposed to choose whether or not we want to do life together. So I never wanted to grow up. And then midway through my midlife, my wife says, you know when I never really wanted all of this. I never got a chance to be by myself. I'm leaving because that happens to people, right. People go into life

trying to emulate other people's lives, searching for happiness. Right. So it's like, wait a minute, if I do everything like that couple over there, I'm gonna be happy. And now you find yourself in your thirties, forties, sometimes fifty and say, wait a minute. I emulated everything I saw for someone else, and I'm not happy. I just realized I don't have to do this, and I'm gone. I never wanted to be married to someone and have that person say that to me, so in my mind was like, listen,

I feel like a Dean is my future. I have to give her some space and latitude to be able to say no, I really just want to be with Devout because I want to be with Devout, not because he's selling me. I have to be here. So that was my whole purpose. Now I get that. I mean taking the obligation out of anything, I think makes you really decipher is this something that I want to do voluntarily? You know? Or not? Um? But yeah, this this Houcci

Daddy short and hot girls summers. I feel like it's like the latest, the latest trend at least with is it just everyone? I don't know if it's a generational thing or if everybody is buying into it, if it's a social media hype um, But it seems to be for the single young people. And we just want to know, are these moments of debauchery an obstacle to a future marriage? Well, we can, we can talk a little bit about to

a married future. We were talking about it from a woman and man's standpoint, and we were having this conversation with a bunch of friends who are and then women, and we were going through the timeline for men and women. Right, So just listen to this timeline. If you're a young woman and you're attracted by the a sixteen seventeen typically sixteen seventeen year old women, you see it now and you've seen it back then. Those young ladies were often

looking at older men for attention. We all know that girl in high school that had the oldest picking her up outside and then you see junior senior year she having a baby or something like that. Yet, so we all in Brooklyn, we saw it all the time. All of the hot girls who were sixteen seventeen were getting attention from the twenty year old plus guys when we

were in high school. But those sixteen and seventeen year old boys typically were left feeling like, there's nothing I can offer her, right there's There was a meme that was out a couple of weeks ago they said men are the only beings on earth that are not loved unconditionally. Right For for example, with children, you love unconditionally, you don't expect anything from him. A woman, if she's beautiful,

you can love her, you know, unconditionally. But a man, no matter what he looks like, has to be able to provide something in order for someone to love him. I don't think so. I think women it can be very conditional with women. What yo, there is no woman on earth that's gonna just say I'm just gonna love a man with no ambition that just just sits at home and just loves on me. There's always but even vice versa. Is there a man that just wants to

love a woman that's just at home doing nothing? Really? Trophy wives, that's yeah, that's under a condition though, because when it looks fade, then what what you doing then? But those conditions change depending on whoever is putting in for that wife, right, So a trophy wife to certain people looks different ways. So you don't have to look

a certain way to be a trophy wife. There are women who are stay at home wives that some people, and you know them, say how does she get picked to be a trophy wife because she doesn't fit what you think is pretty? But someone does. How many trophy husbands do you see on planet Earth? Let's be honest, if we're gonna be dead as yeah, yeah, I worked for this, but you cute? That was that? You know what I'm saying. I'm saying that to say that I feel like some women too can get away with. You know,

people can't get away with certain things. You can, like, if the woman is going to be a stay at home woman, she has to look good. That's the condition under which she'll be able. But she only has to look good to that man. She doesn't have to look good to society. So what I'm saying is that if

this person, you're making more of a general statement. This team was a general state, the mean was a general statement, and you know all general statements is like I always say, general statements, general statements is the devil's work because you can't put everyone under one umbrella. We always say that.

But what I'm saying is, if you look at history, right, and everything we're talking about now has to be put in the context of history, there's no vacuum, which means there's always things around it, right, it came before and after, right. But when you look at women, for example, there's no condition that a woman has to be able to provide a lifestyle for a man in the content of history in order for her to be deemed enough to be

a good enough wife. It just has to be that that woman has to be desirable enough for that man for him to say I want her. I mean, there's some women taking care of men because the hoochie daddy shorts of expose them they are, and then that's what's getting them by daddy shorts. But let me ask a question, though, seriously, though, how long does that last before women be like this bumask nigger sitting on my couch not doing nothing that happens.

That's what I'm saying. There's a condition at some point he has to be able to provide something or else he going he's providing something, all right, it's in the hoochie daddy short. But yeah, I get Do you get what I'm saying or you're just trying to deflect because you know that's what I'm doing. That's what you're doing, because you completely get what you're saying. I'm just saying that I feel like, like you said, it's a very

general statement. So of course it's going to be a question to I was just playing Devil's advocate the same way you like to. And and and this is what I'm saying. Imagine being seventeen or sixteen years old, right, and all the girls that you like seventeen like older men.

So those young women spend most of their late teens early twenties, dealing with older men, dealing with older men issues, right, A lot of times they get dragged through the mud, right because those older men were pretty much using you for your youth. Right. But during those times, this is these are my huchi mama tims. These are my times

I'm gonna have a hot girl summers. You and your twenties, you live in your life because ultimately, when you're in that point in your life, you don't really have to provide anything to get attention from men. You just have to look good, right. Me and my boys talk about this all the time. When you get to a point as a man and you start asking women to go out on dates, they ask questions like where are we going,

what are we eating, what are we drinking? You don't really ever ask a woman that when you're going out on dates, you know what I'm saying. So I want people to think about this. A woman has her time late teens, twenties, right, A man has to spend that time to do what build him self up to be what They're still figuring things out. Man particularly, I would say things probably hit for a man in his thirties, and that's the man who's been working at whatever it

is he's been working at. I'm glad this is not even just some dude that just as existing. I'm glad this is somebody who is deliberate and diligent, and this is the man who's like, I'm taking all the necessary steps to be able to build whatever life it is I'm trying to build. So boom. Men in their twenties have their hucchie face sometimes and it's like they know some cougars who just want to get dick down. Right, Men don't have a problem feeling objectified. We don't, all right.

I remember playing football and you be on campus and you walk around with no shirt on, your hucchie daddy shorts, girdles or great sweatpants and all the women has got everything to say. But as men, we don't have a problem with that because we don't mind being to embraced. The cat calls and absolutely, yeah, absolutely, And I've never in my life ever felt uncomfortable with being cat called

by women. And you have to to stand. Like we talked about the context of history, there's a power dynamic, right if I, as a man, when close to two hundred pounds is getting cap called by a woman. The average height of a woman is about five five and twenty pounds. If she wants to get aggressive with me, I can defend myself. Right For a woman, it's not the same thing. If you are dressed a certain way and you come across some asshole who decides he wants

to be aggressive, it's a little bit more intimidating. That's why the dynamic between hoochie mamas and hohochie daddies are different. That doesn't mean one is right and one is wrong. We just explained the dynamic. But for for the young men who are living their twenties and there for that for that point, is just the hoochie daddy, right, who's gonna deliver dick to an older woman or a woman who got her life figured out just want to get banged out. Men don't mind doing that because we also

in the back of our mind. Nos, there's gonna come a point in time when I get my finances in order and I get to be the one looking from my hoochie mama. And then is he doing that with a woman in his in her twenties that's the thing, or is he looking for somebody his age because I'm here in the struggle. Now is the thirty some things? Once you hit that age as a woman, thirty something, men ain't check it for you either. So now let's

let's not And I'm glad you asked that question. It's perfect time and we're talking about ages right in our twenties. There's something that's very real, and it's called the biological clock. Women once they passed thirty and even more further past thirty five, it becomes more difficult to conceive, carry and

deliver a baby healthily. You see what I'm saying. So a lot of times what we're noticing is what happens is that women will have their time and their fun in their twenties where they can control the dynamic because they're young, they're beautiful, they want to have their fun. But now you get to thirty and you want someone to say, hey, I want her to be my wife.

It takes time to get to know someone. But now you're asking men the same age, who is now thirty, who finally, at thirty may have reached the point where he can fully embrace his ability to have fun because

now he has the resources to be a catch. Remember in your twenties, when you don't have anything, you're not really a catch, so you're not getting the opportunities that your female counterparts are because if you're younger in your twenties, you get all of these older men who have money, who have fame, who have power, who could say I want her. So you're feeling like, you know, oh, I got him to choose me as a man. When you're in your twenties, you don't have anything to offer, You're

pretty much dealing with the leftovers. You see what I'm saying, Because those young women are searching for the dudes with all women who have it already. You're not the guy who has money. It's very few women who say I want to build with someone my age in their twenties, because both of you are still trying to figure things. That's what I was about to say. It seems like it just makes more sense to try to build with

somebody younger. Though I feel like you and I at different points and have spoken to different people, have told them younger people than us when asking for advice or how do we make it work, or what we've been doing to, you know, get to the point we're at. We usually advise them not to stay together or be too serious too early, kind of like what our parents did. But it did work for us because we were able

to grind together. And I think in that respect respect each other's hospital and each other's process to get to where we are today. But think about some of the flat that we catch right when we say we had say when we talk about we had a break island and then they could just go out and do whatever he wants to come back. Na, my chick can't go on no break and come back. Oh devouche did not

that cannin just sticking around and get cheated on. Think about all the things that we have been through, that we've weathered, the storm that people criticize and criticized and crucify us for. Right, there's a lot of young people who are like, I don't want to go through that level. I don't want to go through that, So let me

get everything out of my system. Because the truth of the matter is being a young person in today's society with the attention that young women are getting being over sexualized, and the attention that young men are getting for wearing quote unquote who she daddy shorts? Right, it's difficult to be twenty two and twenty two and you're both attractive and getting attention from all over the place, where all these options and stay committed to each other and give

each other space. It's extremely difficult. It was difficult for us to do in the early right. And that was that was before what social media just became a thing. It was black planet. You know, Facebook just started, but there was no Instagram, and it was no quick swiping and no quick likes, like it didn't happen that fast. So what I'm realizing is that once these both these people get to their thirties, now a young lady is like, yo, I need to find someone because I want to have

a baby before I turned thirty five. So her first thing is now she wants to date deliberately. And now you're trying to date young men who are in the early thirties who are like, wait a minute, I finally reached my point in the power dynamic. Why have money? So then it becomes a thing of well, he's immature, he's in his thirties. Shouldn't you want to do this?

Shouldn't she want to do that? Now you're judging other people for the question that they're in in their life exactly, just like, are we even equipped to do that necessarily? That's I mean to be honest, that's that's really what's happening. Because we see a lot of thirty a lot of our friends who are thirty plus who are like, I'm ready to find somebody better, be ready to go. So now it's two months into dating and it's okay, so what are we doing. He's like, whoa, I just got

to a place of financial security at thirty. You know, I finally got some money in my four one k I finally been able to own a nice apartment. Not not the apartment that you saw, but but a nice apartment with a view. I may want to enjoy the fruits of my labor for a couple of years. And now she's just like, well, I'm not going to hang around for it. Now she's jumping from guy to guy waiting for someone to say I want to take you on, and she starts with her thirties too. But those early

thirties men are like, I'm not ready right now. I want to spend some time in my thirties enjoying life like you enjoyed your life when you were in your twenties, going on trips with ball players, going on. Think about it. Think about all the girls you knew you bowl or going all to the events, getting flown here and phone here. Now he's in a place in his early thirties. Well, he wants to do some of the flying out. He

wants to get some young girls and have fun. And now the girls in his age bracket are saying, you acting immature. No, ma, he's doing to the young girls what you were getting done to you by the older gentleman when you were in your twenties, and that vicious cycle together though, think about it. The thirties can't get it together. And all the women are saying the men and their thirties and immature. All of the men and their thirties are saying, now you just want me to

do things on your time. Then you become thirty five, then you become thirties. Six thirties is a very awkward place now that I look at it, here's the crazy part, right, crazy awkward, y'all. We got men right in their late thirties. Some of my friends saying to me, now you know this ship is whack. What he's like, yo, man trying to catch some of the young girls is like trying

to catch trying to play whack a mole. They just be popping up, and did you know you find yourself trying to compete with another dude who may got more money than you in that moment, so you had your eyes on this one girl, but now he runs, Oh she runs over there, and they're now just saying to me, like a shallow man, I'm trying to find a real girl.

So imagine the data scene though you're right, you're walk into a club where you're walk into an environment and then it's just like, okay, so now there's a sizing up that must happen. First, Let's see who's doing what, who may have what? Is it even genuine really interactions happening at this point or are they happening after we've trying to kind of sculped out the scene to see

who may potentially have what. Listening to my single friends, both male and female, everybody comes in with a calculator in their mind that they've already sized people up. For example, one of my boys, right says, he goes into a club, he can look at the girls right and be like, okay, she looks really young. This is her first time out in the streets. She's gonna be looking for the trade songs,

the Drake's, Chris Brown's. She's I'm gonna give for about three or four years to get, you know, go through that hot girl some. But then when she about seven, she'll be back down to the guys who you know, work on Wall Street or may have a good six figure job. Once she realized she's not gonna get chose by the people who she admired the most, that's when she'll come back. But then she says, like, then you have the five year old crowd where you know, let's

go on a date. So then the minute we sit down and go on a date, some of these women are like, how much money you got you for one k? What's your five year plan? How many kids you want to have? They want to know how long and how long do you think you should date someone before you get engaged, And they're asking follow up questions that their

therapist told them they should ask somebody. Okay, so now we're having a mini therapy session now because we are going to therapy and we're aware of what we like and we don't like, and we want to know what we're attracting, so and that the therapizing people. That group right now is very critical of each other because here's the reality. When you become thirty five and you're in a rush to have kids, if you're a young woman, you can't put everyone else on your timeline because now

you have goals for yourself. You want to get done before a certain age. You see what I'm saying, it's hard to meet someone and say, look, I'm thirty five, I'm trying to have a baby by next year, so what's up? What are we doing? Most men are not going to respond well to that. You understand what I'm saying. And if you're a man in thirty five and you're trying to date women, you have to be open to the fact that what she's dealing with is very real.

A woman at that age doesn't have time to sit down and let you figure it out for five to ten years. It's unfair. So if you're dating deliberately with women your age, understand what they're coming to the table four before you even sit down with this woman and take her time off. So I'm wondering now if it really makes sense. For example, dating apps right, I'm thinking about chopping for an outfit, I go to a particular the website. I know that I want something in a

certain color family. Am I going to look through the entire catalog of dresses? Or am I going to filter the search for what exactly is I'm looking forward to at least narrow it a bit. So with the dating app, for example, we have all these different ones out there. I don't even know the names of them, because I don't I'm not dating, But I know that there are certain ones that are designed for certain people looking for

specific things. So, for example, I've heard that there's an app for people who are i think either separated, newly divorced, or going through a divorce. So you can meet people within that same bubble that you're in and then filter accordingly, knowing at least I'm starting with someone, Yeah, I'm starting with someone who at least is on the same platform as me for the same reason. So that, to me,

I think makes the most sense. I think it gets a little bit hairier when you're like out in public at an event or at the club or whatever, and then it's just like you don't know what's going through people's minds. But I can see more and more now why people are leaning on dating apps and see why people enjoy that. We just had a couple of recently and they met on a dating app. And I didn't ask the actual app, but it was just like they already had so many things in common that it filtered

and then here they are. You know what I mean. But I mean, if you, if you think about that, it makes the most sense. Imagine imagine being a man or a woman, and you you go into a bar. First of all, where do you meet people nowadays? Right? Like that's the big question. Everyone is working so much. Where do you meet people? Is it at church? Is it at the bar? Is that family function of the pandemic? Right?

So you meet someone, you don't know how old this person is, You don't know what their ideals are you, but but you know that you're on a time crunch, right, You'd rather have something filtered already, so I know if if this person is on my profile, if I matched with them, all of these things have already been decided. We don't have to waste each other's time trying to figure that out. That's what it makes the most sense. The other issue there is you don't know if people

are being honest on these apps. You don't know if you're being catfished. There's there's so many different variables. But the most important thing is I think we as people have to start understanding these dynamics that are happening and stop just putting blanket statements on people without understanding where we are as people. For example, men, I can't deal with a woman in her thirties because they just being a rush to do everything. You have to understand why, right,

our bodies don't change much. We don't go through periods, you know what I'm saying. We don't have phallopian tumbs and eggs. There aren't doctors telling us we need to have a baby about thirty five or else. Our chances

are gonna diminish, uh increase greatly. So you have to understand what a woman is coming through coming to the dating world with if you're looking for that, and I always say if you're looking for that, because there's also a contingent of people out there who are just out there to have fun, which is perfectly fine, and you can't get upset if you're trying to date deliberately and that person just wants to have fun, and you keep entertaining that person just wants to have fun and then

being upset because that person doesn't want to date deliberately. That's not that person's fault. We've seen that time and time again. Oh man, it always starts off cute. Oh, it's just fun. We're having a good time. That somebody feelings getting in the way, and the other person is saying, but I was specific, I was honest, and I said what I wanted and I said what I was looking for is not this, and then feelings get hurt. And

the thing is it goes both ways. I've seen it a couple of my friends who are older gentlemen who now exists in the space where they're they're part of the pick right when when people walk in a club of walking somewhere, they can tell, oh, he has money, Oh he has some sort of power. So now they're getting access to different levels of women that they didn't get access to before, and they try to choose one. But these young women are living on a different plane

right there, and the midsweies. Some of them making money, some of them aren't. But they're like, yo, I'm trying to have fun. You are one of four or five dudes I'm talking to, and some of my boys got their feelings hurt, like yo, I thought I had and she chose to They said, she chose the streets. He was runner up, and no, no, not even not even no, no, no, not even they chose to be with someone else. They chose to continue to be alone in themselves so that

they can enjoy. So he was trying to lock it down. She was just like, not so much, because now he's at the point where it's boring now chasing all these young girls. I want to get me a young girl that I can settle down with. And sometimes you try to find one of these young girls to settle down with and they're like yeah, shout like that's that's the

thing that was. Imagine speaking to someone who you went to college with, who was younger than you, who is thirty five, right, and having them tell you that one of the young girls he talks to calls him grandpa. And I'm like, dude, I'm older than you, and she calls you grandpa. He's like, yeah, I'm grandpa. Because I don't be wanting to go from club to club. I like to stay in one area, and I said, I'm like, yo, damn, your age showing itself and I'm like, what what age

are you trying? What girls age? He said? His rule is, His rule is he doesn't go for a girl that would still be in grad school, so she has to at least be twenty three. The Jordan year is the is the year. It has to start there to at least three. So he's like, right now is too freshly legal? He said, he won't even look at a girl. He says she has to at least be twenty three and not the potential to be her daughter or god daughter.

I'm sure, yeah, like no, no, it's just just no, it's just she has to be twenty three, he says. Right now, he's going between twenty three and twenty eight. He's giving it a five year span because that's enough time to at least have some experience, but not long enough to be jaded by the world that you just hate every man that comes in front of you next. But he's okay with just being used for meals and a good time too, because so it's ironically, is he

just enjoying the company at this point? Well, ironically, he said he has a budget. He's like, this is my tricking leg that he said, because I get stuff out of it too. She wanted meal, I want to smash, So she get a meal. I get to smash. And for the first couple of years it was fun until it became monotonous, like it's the same thing. It's like he's been with a lot of women, a lot of different type of women. He's just like, there's nothing more.

He's like, He's like, he gets to a point. Now he meets a woman within five minutes, he knows exactly where it's going to go. But he got his he got his feelings hurt because he thought that once he was able to provide a certain lifestyle that women say they want, once he presented that opportunity to a young lady, she would automatically be like yes. And then he asked a young lady like, yo, you're trying to go exclusive and she was just like, no, not really, I'm having

too much fun. And I was just like yo. She taught dating someone else who was a little bit more. He's like, bro, she's just wants to be out there. She makes her own money, she's attractive, she gets attention from all different types of guys and she doesn't want to be and he's like, you got He's like, I got my feelings her because I actually really liked her.

But here's my question for you. What happens when that young lady is enjoying her time and become stun where this is going becomes thirty now right, and now she's starting like, you know what, I had my fun right now, I want to meet somebody. And she goes to another thirty old man and he's just like, wait a minute, now, I want to have my fun because grandpa, you think she should go back to call the grandpa called Grandpa backs this. Maybe he might still be available. You never know,

because at that point, what is she gonna do? Now? Try to force the guy that's within her age range. Now what's happening out here to settle down. That's the sure as five way to not be with somebody and find yourself crazy crazy. All she want to do is lot me down or now, but you know, no, I give it. Then it becomes a thing of desperation. It's like, okay,

get happening. Both sides. Both sides are playing playing a very dangerous game that could end up in loneliness because they're trying to put you know, they're trying to find happiness in this fleeting, this fleeting feeling of happiness in the streets, in the streets, and this is what I think. I think you should have a hot girl somewhere too. But when you prolong the hot girl summer and think that that life is going to wait for you to be ready, that's when you find yourself in a predicament.

And it's not only for women woman too, but it does happen more to women because once you get past certain age and you you're worried about trying to have children, desire, and I think that's ultimately what it's. It's it's sent you around. Yeah, so that biological clock thing is actually

a very very it's very real. It's very very real. Yeah, it's We have some stats and facts here, and this one is kind of a little bit different and kind of switches gears with the conversation a bit um, but it is UM from the Institute for Family Studies Nicholas Wolfinger Um he's a sociologist at the University of Utah, found that Americans who have only ever slept with their spouses are most likely to report being in a very

happy marriage. So that if you've only had that one partner, I don't know if there's many people in life left. I'm about to say, when when were these folks at the lowest odds of marital happiness about points lower than the ones that one partner woman belong to the women who have had sex with six to ten sexual partners in their lives. For men, they're still a dip and marital satisfaction after one partner, but it's never as low

as it gets for women. So if you out there haven't too many hot girls somes this bro, But is it because there's more to compare to? That's now? Now? Do you sort of mean that I sent you with the story telling? The woman was telling the story about on every floor there was there was a man. Right, So there's a department store when you can get a husband on first floor, you find a husband who's financially stable, right, And every time you go up in floors you get

something new. But if you decide that you don't want what's new, you can't go back down. M hm. So there was five floors, No, no, you're not losing something SAPs on the first floor, she meets a man who's financially stable. Right, so she says, this is great, but I want to see what's on the next floor. On the second floor, she gets a man that's financially stable and he's romantic. He's like and romantic. I just gotta see what's on the third floor. On the third floor,

she gets a man who's financially stable, romantic, and god fearing. Wow. Okay, so that he has everything, but I gotta see what's on the fourth floor. Gets to the fourth floor as a man who's financially stable, god fearing, um, supporter of his wife, and loves kids. So it's like, this man has everything, but I gotta see what's on the fifth floor. They get to the fifth floor and there's three billion women and the sign that says this floor proves that no matter how good of a man you are, a

woman is never satisfied. And there was a woman telling this to a groupful of women. They were all laughing, but they were all shaking their heads because no matter what in life, they're always going to be looking for the next best. But is that man or woman? I think that's anybody know. I don't think men are necessarily quick to just say, yeah, I'm satisfied because she looks good, she can cook, she can clean, she has a job.

I think you can't can else. I don't. I don't think you can put a generalization over all people ever. But there's always truth in jest. And when people talk about the nagging wife who's always complaining and the husband who's always trying to work hard to make sure that their wife is happy, but he never finds way to make her happy, there has to be some truth in that for it to be a running joke. You know what I'm saying, because you hear so many women saying

my mom was my husband simple? All he wanted to do is this all the time? I don't need it, you know what I'm saying. Like, think about our parents, Think about your mom and dad, Think about my mom and dad. Right, my father be chilling, your pos be chilling. Right, Your mom always wants what more, bigger, grander. My mom want to go places, want to try, but want to do this. Your fathers want to sit there. There has to be some truth in the fact that it's very

difficult to please. Because on the converse side of things, if you ask our dads, They've tried this, they've tried that, you've done that, and she still ain't happy. So I clocked out. Ask a woman what she want to eat? Can we go to the restaurant? It takes you forever to pick something me while I go in there and what I know what I want. I'm gonna get that boom.

That's the same thing I got last time. I'm good with that boom, But you like you get the same thing all the time, lady, because I like it as I'm not supposed to like what I like. But you don't try anything now. But in my defense, I'll be like, how about I get this, you get that and we share. Okay, that works. But there's also us going shopping and I know exactly what I want and I go in and get it. Baby, I need options. Only expect me to walk into one store and pick up the first thing

I've seen and be done with it. No, no, Now, we're gonna shop on every rack, every possibility. I might buy the whole store. I might return half of it, but at least I had. But I'm not saying that it's active for everyone because I hate generalizations. But I mean, there has to be something to the fact that women are a lot more difficult to please because women like options. Women want to see. So if you have a woman who's been with six to ten men and she's constantly

comparing one to another. How many times have we had friends who wives have said to their husband's, how come you don't act like mom? It's very rare. We've heard a man say that to their wife. Have to think about it, but we've heard that. We've heard the former a lot. So as a woman, you can tell me maybe if you have more partners, maybe it's more difficult for you to figure out what you like because you've experienced more. Maybe that's the problem. I don't know, because

I'm not a woman, you know what I'm saying. I think that might be part of it. I think for anybody though, because men to what you think about it? For example, Well now I'm just saying, for example, think about for a man, you are sleeping with a bunch of different women, right you finally settle down, you marry your wife. Do you have an instance where you think, damn, my wife is great, but she ain't doing it like such and such did it? Or then you then you

rank women in terms of like who did this? Because women do it all the time. Absolutely, you know what I'm saying. I'll be very honest in my little group chats and stuff like that. It's just like, yeah, you know, this one was good for that. This one was good for the pickup and the drop down and the wrestling moves. He was good at giving head like there was. People

are good for different things. So is it just that you have more people to compare it to and that creates the unhappiness because it's a longing for something that your spouse may not be doing. I think it comes down to settling, right. If you choose to settle down with someone that doesn't meet your standard, you can't blame that person. You settled your dumbass down. Nobody forced you to settle down, right. So, if you have standards for yourself, and this is just this is really not even about

this topic, but this is about life in general. If you have standards that you have for yourself that you say, I want these things out of life. I want my partner to have these things. But then you decide to settle for someone who hasn't met your standards for whatever reason. May it could be biological clock, it could be finances, it could be time, it could be society. You now have to deal with the fact that that person doesn't meet your standards. You can't blame that person for not

meeting with your standard, you know what I'm saying. So my thing is, if you have a bunch of options and you have things to choose from, it's in your best interests to either tell the person you want to spend the rest of your life with that these are all of the things that I like. Can you meet me here or say I'm sorry. I have to find someone who is willing to do all of these things.

And that's where you and I have done. We sat down and said these are all the things that I want, right and we've asked each other what do you need? And I've said, okay, if these are things you need, I'm going to work my tail off to provide that so that I can be everything that you need in a husband. And you've done the same thing for me. But it only works when you have that honest conversation about this is what I need. See those conversations that

happen before the marriage. Because we heard of a situation recently where someone was very upset because their wife, who's now a rest a new wife, pretty much says she's not giving head anymore because that's not what wives do, Like, that's not within the domain or the scope of what she deems necessary for a wife to do for her husband. And it was kind of just like, oh, my gods clutching the pearls in their edges, because isn't that the point where you're supposed to turn that ship up for

your husband or not? You know what I'm saying. And it's just like, I'm sure if this conversation was had beforehand, there would have been a lot more to think about. Thank you. See, I was I was going to say what you just said. There is no because you're a wife you have to give head, or because you're a wife you don't. You didn't have to give head. The conversation is as a wife, this is what I prefer to do. As a husband, What do you need? And

if my needs match your wants, then we're good. And then I get to say, you know, at this point, well, okay, you don't want to give head. I like head, this ain't gonna work. But if we get married under the pretense that you're gonna be giving me head. No one I like head, And after we get married, you say, no, that's deceitful. You know what I'm saying, that's messed up. Though you knew I couldn't even I couldn't even co sign on that when I'm sorry one thing, No, you

don't because you're great the sloppy. But what I what I'm saying is we also have to stop putting generalizations on our own marriage, meaning that everyone else says this is what I should need, Well, this is what I should want, So I'm gonna I'm gonna want and need that. If you don't want or need that, don't require your partner to provide that because they're not providing you anything that you want or need. That's busy work. You know

what I'm saying that it's busy work. Well we have to start doing is saying, listen, these are my wants and needs. Anything you want to provide with my wants and needs and more, that's on you. But this is what I want to need. If you can't provide me that, let's make a decision to not be together. You know what I'm saying, as opposed to saying, well, according to men in this book, You're supposed to be giving me

head twice a week. That never works. What if you what if you're a guy you don't like he don't know many guys who don't like her. But what if you're a guy who don't like that and your wife is trying to do something for you because she read somewhere that all of these other men like this. Well that's what I was one into a homegirl. I was like, did she is that something that she read somewhere that said, like, you're not supposed to do that. Wives don't do that anymore?

Or is that something that she just developed? Because now what's gonna happen is that I'm sure that the story will be. Can you believe that we kind of divorce because I won't give head everything else I do for him, everything else that we had our entire life, And that's the reason why our marriage didn't work because I refused to do that. That's that one thing, that's exactly what that's probably that's what the story is gonna be. And

everyone's gonna say that he's what shallow, shallow and selfish? Shallow? Yikes? Crazy? Um, But yeah, So that that just was interesting because I always wondered that, like, is it the thing where people who have had prior sexual partners to their spouse, particularly those who are having the hot girl summers in the hook Dad? And you can compare and rank and you know, put that little flow chart together of who did what better?

Does that also to become an issue because you're comparing, you know, the scenario that you've had in the past to what you're in now. Look, I'm I'm always one for good for healthy competition. I don't mind. I don't mind competing. I'm competing in everything in my life. So for me, I think competition brings the best out of people. Right, that that pressure to perform because you're you're uncomfortable is

what makes you great. Right, And I know that sounds like a sports analogy, but that really is an analogy for all aspects of life. Right when you partner and think about this, young ladies and young men, right, how often do we take our partners for granted until someone else starts showing interest in that same partner that you're taking for granted. Think about it starts as earlier junior high school? Right? Early is junior high school? You like

this girl? Right? You like this girl, you know, you don't know how to approach or whatever that uh, you notice someone else taking a liking too that girl. Now it's like I gotta say something because I can't let him talk to her. That that's been happening since junior high. This is my fish fisher in the sea, this is my fish. Or you got a young lady and she's been your girlfriend and you've been taking up for granted

because someone else is paying attention to you. So now you're starting to you know, I like her, but this other girl right here and she's okay, she's okay. So now you're starting to look at this other lady until you notice that there's a guy paying attention to the girl that you're with right now. Then it's like what you want? You want her? Why? What is it about her that you want? Maybe I have something that I don't realize I have and it took someone else paying attention.

That's why I believe that healthy competition is good. I believe that it's healthy for a relationship as long as both people are committed to being of service to each other. That don't mean that you just always look for someone else to take your attention away. But it's life. We don't owe each other nothing. There's nothing that stamped from the beginning of time and said Codeine belongs to devout and Devot shouldn't have to do anything to earn Codeine's love.

There's nothing that says that, and vice versa. Know what I'm saying, I get that, I agree with that. Or what about the scenario of the woman that's just like or the couple it could be man or a woman that's together for a long time, whatever whatever, And then you know, this one starts to fall off a little bit. You know, you're not keeping yourself up me and not keeping myself up me. But you hear that, and then

it becomes they break up. Then you see either homeboy or her and girl and gym hard trying to get back you can, trying to get back in shape because why we're not together anymore. You see somebody looking at your X or you might be on a break or whatever the situation is. It's like, damn, let me, let me get in the gym real hard to get back so he could see what he's missing. I never happened that. I'm not. That happened too. And it's just like damn bro,

damn sis. If you were trying to keep yourself together beforehand while you were with your person, wouldn't be over there. If you put the same energy into your appearance while you're with someone as you do during a hot girl someone or who you daddy summer, your relationship will thrive at least at that level. Right Because people tend to say it's ok to let yourself go you fell in love. No it's not. And for the reason you said, it's just the reason why why somebody got to break up too.

Then I'm gonna be the best version of myself. Why wouldn't you want to be the best version of yourself for the person that you chose to spend the rest of your life with. To me, they say it's shallow to be on someone about their parents. I think it's extremely lazy and self is for you to feel like, well, now that I found my person, I'm gonna just let myself go and give them less than the best version

of myself. Think about how selfish that is. Oh, you love me, fine, Now that you love me and you've proclaimed your love for me, I'm gonna give you less than what I can give because I'll give strangers my best. I give them my best, but you proclaimed your love for me, so now I'm gonna give you less than my best. That doesn't make any sense because you just should be used to it and love me for who

I am. I'm sorry, don't make sense to me unless you have a health Unless you have a health issue and you can't keep yourself up, which most of the time your partner understands. But if you're just being lazy, you're pushing your partner to a hoochie daddy someone or a hot girl someone. If you're doing I mean, well, you know, for us married folks, I feel like we can exist within our marriage and be hoochie daddy's and hot girls for each other. I mean, hey, hell do

you think listen? I feel like that's how we've existed, can exist happily for the past because I don't I don't mind, I don't, I don't mind going out. And you got on your hoochie mama shorts, you got your stomach out, you got the girls out, a little cyboo about, and I'm right there on your arm because I like

to look at it, you know what I'm saying. It's also not fair for me as a man right to say I go out in the summertime and I look at all these girls dressed a certain way and then not give you that same attention that I give them. You see what I'm saying, Because that's unfair. It's unfair

to say to your your woman. And this is me speaking to men in general, right, because there are a lot of controlling men and be like, you're my woman, You're gonna dress like this, You're gonna do like this, right, But then you go out and give attention to men who are women who are dressed like the way you don't want your wife to dress. How was that fair at all? So, no, you want to dress like that? I like to look at that. Let's go out together.

I'm gonna put on some hoochie daddy shorts. You're gonna with them tight shorts in them here as you got. We're gonna go out together and love on each other and let people experience what this together. I don't put no ageent how I'm supposed to be dressing, because listen, as long as I am put together, baby, I will be wearing my shorts. I'll be in my bo to ride as all day. You can get a little underboots, a little cy boob, a little cheek, get a little

nipple action through the through the short. Okay again because because as you when you brushed past me though, That's what I'm saying. But as you got older, as you got older, let me tell you something funny. Right when we was in college, even college once he was playing both Coadine never wore bras. Right, we'll be out. We're hugging and kissing, nipples getting hard, like she's looking at me. I'm looking at her now. We got kids and stuff. Right now, she getting dressed and stuff like that. Put

a bra. I'm like, she's just like, she's like, I can't the nipples be acting. There's their own entity, especially after breastfeeding four boys. They don't know whatever they want to they feel like doing. Let me explain something to so listen. Your nipples be looking for me. Okay. Let makes playing to y'all something women. Okay, once a man has given you four kids, like them, nipples know exactly where I am. I could be on another side of

the room and I just start going. The nipples are gonna get hard and start pointing in the direction that I'm in and that's letting her no, letting her know that way. I think the consensus is after you the breastfest, some kids, these nipples be doing whatever they want. You don't know, deificantly bigger than they were before you purposely like now a constant remind you're welcome. You're welcome, okay. You don't know your titties better than I know your titties.

Stop acting like you do. How often you talk to your titties? Never? I talk to them all the time. You'll be sleep ill talking to we have. We have a very good relationship, alright. I believe you remember when you who used to massage them with lotion them up so you didn't get stretched marks? Who did that? I did? You didn't care know about your titties, right. I do appreciate you. I appreciate and you you guys are welcome to okay because you made it through four pregnancies and births,

all right. Yeah, and you're doing fine for yourself months of nursing. So yes, I appreciate you, Thank you. But yeah, I'm happy that we can exist as a hot girl and the Hucci daddy because I'm shorts be shorten you like I've been doing a lot more squats in the gym because I want to get than to get a little bit of I'm gonna be working on my legs too, because my legs became mushed after these kids. So I mean, that's that's both of us. We got a little We

got a little bit. But I was talking to this about with my boy uh black right, because he was saying, like the Hucci Daddy shorts is just too short now, And I was like, did you ever watch our parents? My father used to wear shorts. They were like boxing, but they used to look like it was mad hot Broye. It's like repeating itself. Think about it. They wore bell I was about to say, you wore parachuto jeans. They

wore hot pants. Men were wearing hot pants. I mean, I guess that's the skinny jeans now, that's what I'm saying. Then they were wearing hot shorts. But the best part about it is when they look at the generation now and be like, what's that? Exactly what are they doing? And they were doing the same ship. I'll still be

a old lady all day. I can call me that all you want, but I will never get into the lace fronts with the baby hair joints that come down to the front on the forehead like this, they look like a mustache that comes down and start keep that. I don't care how old I am. You can say you because because you oh, it's because you push your forty yes, and that ship looks terrible and they all

do with it. Lacefront joint with the freaking looking the mustache looking baby, here's tell them stop cut too with a lace front and baby because you have yo, please keep this, please keep, please keep this right when we go and into something and KaDee got that same here style. Because I'll be the first to tell y'all will never catch me with the baby here joints that They're not

gonna do that. And you may catch me a little fashion shoot with a little swirl, a little laid down situation, but you will never catch me with the late front joint with the mustache. Baby. Here's how you lying. I'm gonna tell you how you lying right now. Tell me. Two thousand and eight, two thousand and eight, Little Wayne did a video where he had on skinny jeans right and Codeine said to me, devout, if you ever in your life put on skinny jeans. It's over between us.

Yes you did. You said that, and my brother co signed it. Brian Co signed it, Brian Frown. You never wear no skinny jeans. Cut too now jeans like he's a little too baggy, babe. I like this a little bit more tight. I like this little. I'm like, wow, you want me to put on skinny jeans just like it depends. It depends on the type of skinny jeans. And if I'm lying, you don't mind me in the skinny gene. Now, I don't mind you to excuse you. I'm talking about me and the fucking mustache, baby ears.

I am not doing the mustache baby here. I'll give you that period, that period. Let's keep this footage period, keep it. Bring up your receipts. Speaking of receipts, we got bills to pay. I think we should take a quick break and we're gonna come back with listener letters. Yeah, alright, guys, we're back back with listener letters. Let's see what you got to talk about this week. Well, this first one is extra long, all right? You want to read just one?

You want me to go for it? So I just want to say I love your podcast and your dynamic. You're so authentic. I appreciate that about you. Guys appreciate you. So after listening to the get It Right, Get It Tight episode, I have concerns. My partner thirty one and nine, have been together for six months and he's pretty much ideal for me. However, he does not work out and lives a sedentary lifestyle. He's a bigger guy, which I have no issues with, but I would have an issue

if he continues to grow in size. On the other hand, I'm into fitness and I've been working out for years. I've always been into sports at a young age and have played some sports at a collegiate level, so I'm really it's really second nature for me. I mean the gym three or four times a week, and I eat moderately healthy. I've figured out that what works best for me,

and I've been maintaining that for years. At one point, my man was three hundred plus pounds before we met and decided to change his lifestyle and lost a hundred plus pounds with dining and weightlifting. However, once he lost the weight, he stopped living that life. I have a three year old. I have a three year old with the busy schedule and oftentimes I have to choose between

the gym or spending time with my man. He mentioned that he wants to start going back to the gym, and I've invited him to go with me frequently, which she's declined, so I stopped asking. It's been eight months and I haven't seen him exercise once, and some of his bad eating habits and lifestyles are rubbing off on me. She put the sad face in their child no Accountability partner. I'm concerned that he'll gain more weight and eventually have health issues. Not working out is a big deal breaker

for me. I know he's he, I know he's I know he's capable. However, I also don't want to put pressure on him or give him an ultimatum because I don't want him to think that I'm not attracted to him. I feel like this might be my person, and we talk about marriage and longevity. However, I know for a fact that I won't invest or spend my life with someone who does not halfway prioritize their health. He doesn't know I feel the strongly about this, or that I'm

waiting on him. Why won't he go to the gym with me, but expresses that he wants to go. Should I tell him my concerns to convey a sense of urgency? Yes? How do I express these concerns without my partner feeling self conscious or a shame? How long it's too long to wait for a change. I don't know what to do. Please let me know what you guys think. All, Okay, there's a couple of red flags here. First of all, when she said that, um, she's attracted to him, but

she doesn't want to tell him that. She doesn't want him to continue to gain more weight because she doesn't want him to think that she will be unattractive to him, but she will be unattracted to him. So you can't not want to say something to your partner because you don't want them to feel or think that you're unattractive attracted? You know what I'm saying, Like that to me is the recipe for disaster, because that's what most relationships carry on.

I don't I don't want to say anything to my partner about this because it hurt my feelings, because I don't want them to think that they hurt my feelings. But your feelings are hurt you have to let your partner know, open, honestly and in real time, how you feel about things, your truth. If whether it hurts your partner or not, it's still your truth and you have to live in your truth or you're going to have resentment towards yourself and ultimately your partner. That's that's the

first thing, the red flag. The second red flag here, Codeine and I talk about health and fitness all the time, and people often equated to being vain or just looks Codeine. I say this to Condin all the time, and Codine stop me if I'm lying. I say, Codeine, you and I are in this thing called life together. We have a responsibility to be here for each other health wise

as long as we can. If you choose to live a lifestyle that is not conducive with us being healthy, healthy, it's not fair to me and it's not fair to your children. It does have something to do with being vain.

But I want my wife to be healthy. When you've lived through someone going through postpartum pre clampsion and her blood pressure being high and realizing that health, healthy eating, exercising, and and sleep can help, that that becomes more important than what she looks like like a lot of our conversations really have nothing to do with the scale. I don't I don't weigh my wife. I don't measure her waist. A lot of it is, yo, did you did you

work out today? You were supposed to walk for twenty minutes? You didn't. What does that mean for your heart? Right? That's kind of like the rule that I think we've adopted as this household, even my father, my father who is also getting up there in age, my mother, my mom plays tennis three times a week. My father, who also too, all his life was just a very sedentary lifestyle. I mean, he did work on his feet, and he

worked in the hospital for years. But twenty minutes a day, anybody, everybody should be doing at least that much, and not twenty minutes. Being like I walked to the car, that's thirty seconds. Then I walked around target that's another ten second. You know, you have to actually do consistent walk twenty minutes a day just for heart health, and consistent part your heart should be, depending on your age, anywhere between a hundred and twenty to a hundred and forty beats

per minute. The older you get, of course, you wanted to be lower. Depending on how often you work out. But if you speak to my mother in law who lives with us, Mimi, how often I asked her if she worked out today? It's every day, And you know, I'm not worried about what my mother in law looks like acts my father in law if I asked him, if you walk today? I asked my mom and dad if I don't call them and get on their ass

and say when's the last time he worked out? Because we as a people have to be better about health issues, we often let ourselves off the hook by talking about body shaming and fat shaming, and that's not fair to people who want you to be healthy. It's one thing to be on on someone about how they look if they're already healthy. But if you know someone is not healthy, not eating healthy, not going to the gym, and you try to point them in a healthy direction, they say,

you're fat shaming me. They're just being lazy. There's a there's a very stark difference, and I think that's a good place for her to start. She wasn't awhere to start with the conversation with him. If you guys are having conversations about life, about marriage, about longevity, about being together. If this is your person, then you want to invest

in your person. You want to invest in this relationship, And I think it should start with the conversation of saying, Hey, if we're going to be doing this life together, I would love for us to do the best that we can to make sure that we are sustaining ourselves, doing our part to make sure that we're staying healthy. If it means that we're cooking together, if it means that we're meal prepping together, That's where Deval and I are now.

I'm meal prepping for the two of us because I'm like, Okay, I understand what we want our diet to look like. I understand some of the things that we may want to lower or or raise based off of our last panel of blood work we did. Like, there's so many things that go into making sure that you guys can sustain this lifestyle together. So that should be the conversation starter. You want him to be as healthy as possible for you. For the three year old, m your three year old,

I think she said they have a three year old together. Yeah, so with the three year old, you want to make sure that that's paramount and and gentlemen, I bring this to you. Just going to the gym does not mean that you're healthy. Okay, we got to do a better job of eating better. If you ask a dean. I've cut a lot of sugar and a lot of salt because I wasn't getting enough sleep and I was getting bad headaches. I took my pressure one time and my pressure was high, and Kadean was like, yo, what is

going on? It's scary to work out every day and to take your pressure and your pressure be hid and to realize that have a little twitch in my eye. And I noticed that that happens when I don't sleep a lot and when I'm eating too much salt, which means you never know when you're on the brink of something catastrophic happening if you keep ignoring the signs and thinking, oh, I go to the gym, so I'm fine. No, we have yes, blood pressure, stress eating. We have to be

better with that as a people. So so, Mama, I hope we helped you this one thing. She said to um, how do I express these concerns without my partner feeling self conscious or shame? You expressing your concerns in a

loving manner. If they feel shamed, that's them problem, and that has nothing to do with your you know, with you, you are allowed to, if you choose to live with someone and be of service, express your concerns for yourself and them them saying they feel shamed, that's something they have to deal with because they have to figure out why they feel shamed. With you expressing concerns, you know, unless you're being an asshole or a company, which I'm

sure it will come from a place. Based on what you wrote here, I can tell you love this man and you care for him deeply, so I'm pretty sure you're not expressing it to him, you know, in a negative way, but even you can be saying it the

nicest way. If he's saying that he's feel shamed, he has to deal with that and you should tell him, Hey, if you're feeling shamed about what I'm saying, you may need to speak to someone to figure out why you feel shame about what I'm saying, or create that space, safe space for him to be able to speak with you about it. Alright, good luck. Oh. She also asked one question, I don't know what to do. Um, how long it's too long to wait for change. Kaudana and

I have been married for twenty years. We have argued and debated about stuff since the very beginning that we're still working for each other to change on so there's nothing it's no time is too long if you're constantly working on it. Right with me and Jackson created this motto a practice, Uh, Practice is not punishment. It's the pursuit of perfection. We know we're never going to be perfect, but when you're constantly working to be perfect, that means

you can get better every single day. And when you have a partner that you can see working to get better every single day, they may they may never change to be exactly who you want, but the work is what you want to see every time. Question number two or letter number two, Hello, Connein and Devout. As frequent listeners of y'all's podcasts, I love how real and objective the two of you are about a lot of subjects. Thank you. But that being said, I have an interesting

question for you too. I'm a thirty two year old guy and newly married. Prior to marriage, I always knew of monogamy in a marriage, but now in my third year I'm trying to grasp and learn a polly lifestyle of which my wife came to me about wanting to experiment with. My question for you, too is what are your thoughts on the lifestyle of polyamory? Also do you think do you too think it can be a healthy way to grow a marriage and make it more fulfilling?

Side note, my wife grew up in a religious family and did not get to fully explore her sexuality. We were just talking about this without the fear of judgment as an experiment with both sex as opposed to one. So she feels polyamory speaks to how she feels. Okay, that's interesting. These are my thoughts on this interesting Interesting. Number One, asking someone else's idea on polyamory should never be what you start your ideas polyamory, right, So realistically,

asking us what we feel about polyamory shouldn't matter. Right? Do you love this woman? Do you feel like it could work for you? Have you guys had an open and honest discussion about what it looks like? On what what? Because polyamory doesn't have one idea either, just like monogamy doesn't write what does her idea of polyamory looks like, what does yours look like? If you're willing to try it, are you willing to try it together and to continue

to grow with each other. If you guys can find some sort of synergy and work on it together, then it's for you. If you can't, then it's not for you. One thing I will tell you is stop asking other people advice for what you have to find out within your marriage. Now. I appreciate you asking us because you

respect our opinion. But I can't tell you my thoughts of polyamory because I never experienced polyamory and I'd be doing a disservice to the people who live that lifestyle trying to um man splain or uh or you know what I'm saying, or monogamistically explain what polyamory is. All I know is that if you guys can find a healthy way to communicate and be honest with each other through this process and find something that works for you,

to knock yourselves out. He said, they're newly married, so now they're in their third year, and this is what his wife is looking for. I think it's a great thing that his wife is comfortable enough to speak with him about it and then he entertained it, or at least say, you know what, I may not know much about this lifestyle, but I'm willing to find out more about it or ask about it to see how we

can possibly bait this work. And with his wife not growing up having fully explored her sexuality, it looks like she wants him to be a part of that while she explores women. You know, I guess they just have to make sure that the ground rules are put out there. And one thing that does get a little heary. Sometimes it's like, okay, sometimes we can make these ground rules right, and they can be kind of general or they can

just be specific. But what if a scenario arises where we didn't really express what the ground rules were for this, and it could potentially cause issues or retention later on. So you have to be flexible and willing to kind of roll with the punches as you guys explore this together, because you may embark on something where you're like, I thought I would be okay with this, but I'm not

necessarily okay with that, Or I don't know. My wife seems to really be enjoying this lifestyle with the women, are am I then fearful now that she's no longer going to want to be with me, and she may fully want to be with a woman. Like there's so many different ways that things can unfold. We just can't really speak going to too much because we don't know. I just I just think that like any marriage, it's

an ongoing conversation. There's never going to be a point in your marriage, whether you're monogamous or polyamorous, where you say we figured everything else, we no longer have conversations. That's this is always going to be a conversation. Also want to say that if at any point you feel like this relationship is not advantageous to all parties involved,

you can walk away. You know, Like this, this idea that marriage is supposed to be to the very end, regardless of whether it's to at a detriment to either party or both parties, is just not real, you know what I'm saying. And I know a lot of people quote the Bible and use the Bible as a way, but we're seeing pastors now get divorced. You under stand what I'm saying. Like the Bible was written thousands of years ago, the world has changed. Everything is not going

to be the same way. Now, if you're a super religious person and you believe marriages for ever, then you need to have that conversation with the person that you're with and find someone who lives that lifestyle with you, because that can also be the right lifestyle for you. Ultimately, there is no right lifestyle for everyone on the planet.

You have to figure out what works for you. She she may know, like she may try it because she says she was religious and felt kind of, you know, coddled and bubbled, and she may try to be like, wait a minute, I just I really just want to be with my husband. Like that may be a possibility.

You never know. So as long as y'all are having the conversations and you don't feel like you're hurting and she's not hurting or you're not hurting someone else, then do what you guys do man, continue to talk about it, and God bless all parties involved. Just need to agree. Yes. All right, y'all. If you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, be sure to email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com. That's d E A D A S S A d V I

C E at gmail dot com. All right, More on the truth time we're talking to who she daddy shorts? Who she daddy summits, hot girls summers, this trend that we seem to be on, which I don't necessarily even think of the trend because I feel like our parents, parents are grandparents. Yet y'all had y'all hot girls summers? Who Chi daddy short? So what's she? Moment of truth? Baby got one? My moment of truth is this, um we all need to stop labeling people based on what

they do in a moment in time. For example, because of social media, you get to see people live out their lives in real time. So if someone decides they want to have a hot girl summer for this moment a couple of months, people then want to say, you're in the hot girls summer pile for the rest of your life. You're just a hot girl. And I don't

think that that's fair. You know, if you decide you wonder war hucie daddy shorts, and and women want to say, oh, he just wants to be a thirst trapper in this because he wants to do that for these couple of months. It's not fair. I say, let people explore and see if they want to be of service to other people during this time and then let them reconvenience that, you

know what, I've made a decision about it. Let's stop shaming people and acting acting as if we all haven't experienced, especially our parents generation, having experienced out all versions of

hot girls, summers and hougie dadis in the past. I also want to say that if you are in your mid thirties and you're a young man or a young woman trying to figure out what the opposite sex is thinking about, because this seems to be the age that people get real confused about why the opposite sex is moving this way, think about being Think about if you're a young man, think about being a thirty two a thirty three year old woman and being told that you

have two to three years to have a child healthy, and thinking about what that woman is doing in the dating pool and why she's dating so deliberately. If you, as a young man, can understand that perspective as a young woman, you'll then know whose time not to waste if you're not interested in that, and you'll also understand why she's asking the question she's asking. If you're a young lady and you see a young man is in his thirties and he's living his life, and he's dating

and chasing all these young women. Just ask yourself when you were in your young twenties and you were chasing all of these ballplayers and entertainers and getting flown here and flown there. Now it's his turn to do that. So if he don't seem like he's ready to settle down with you right now with thirty to a thirty three because he just finally got his penthouse apartment, don't judge him because he ain't ready to be a daddy.

He trying to be a hoochie guy. And I just asked that we have some grace for each other in our thirties, because we and our thirties be bashing each other so bad. Right now is a very awkward face. It is a very awkward face. But I have faith in us as people that if we do history and understand sociology and try to understand the other person's perspective, we'll go into dating and saying, you know what, that young ladies in a certain space, I respect her. I'm

not going to waste her time. Well, that young man is in a certain space. I don't want to waste his time because I know what I'm looking for more and he's looking for less. So that's that's my moment of truth. You took a portion of mine, which is cool because I was gonna talk about the different age ranges, like what the thirty year old men look like, what the twenty year well women look like, and vice versa, and how that changes, so to keep that in mind.

But I guess my rounding out the moment of truth, I would say, when you're having your hot girls summer or your hoochie daddy summer, or however you want to call it, not everybody has to know that you a hot girl unless you advertise and that you were hot girl. You see what I'm saying. So some things you can keep to yourself, and you can hot girl in private. Don't ever side advertise that your hot girl if that's not something you want to be labeled for the rest

of your life. Have your summer, keep it low key, have your fun, you yourself, and you will be the only ones to know that you were playing hot girl, you were playing Hucci daddy. And then you can re emerge once you've gotten that out your system, and then no one knows the white deliberty. No one knows the why. Now we know the truth, you can't handle the truth. Now. I wish I could advertise my hot girl something for y'all hasn't come yet, But I don't know. Let's see

catch me in a couple of years. I'm still gonna be hot girling with you, bro, exactly with me. I'm gonna be hot girling with you as long as you know that you gotta keep a spicy you know. Hey, how girl, someone's got you played in a couple of dogs. That's a fact. But that's something that we will not be replaying anymore anymore. You can take that one and

roll with it, all right, y'all. Be sure to follow us on social media if you're not already, follow the podcast page dead asked the podcast and of course I'm Cadeen, I am and I am devout. And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe. Dead As dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the Podcasts and never miss a Thing