Heaux Tales

more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Then adds to the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take pillow talk to a whole new level. Dead

ass starts right now. So let me take you all back in time two thousand and four, my junior year of college. Junior in college, Kadina and I had been living together in the dorms since two thousand and two, and we were going through that that point in a relationship where it's just like dang, Like, um, I was my first time being an All American, I'm the man on campus me and even living together every single day. I was kind of feeling myself and I was like, yo,

I'm I was just twenty years old. Was twenty years old. So I was like, Babe, we've been arguing a lot lately. Um, we were having issues. I was like, you don't want to date nobody else? I think we should date other people, and she was just like no, And I was just like you sure, I said, babe, because I don't want you to ever if we're gonna if we're talking about for ever and we were gonna ever get married, I don't want there to ever be any resentment towards each

other if we don't date other people. And then Conde says, well, if you want to date somebody else, you can, but I don't feel like they anybody else. I'm good here. So I was like, all right, I'm gonna date somebody else. So I think it lasted about a week. About a week I had moved out. I had moved out of her apartment on campus, and for about a week, and I was talking to other people. I'm gonna tell y'all after story time, I'm gonna let you finished. I'll showed

up back at my doorstep. Oh my gosh, this is about to be the biggest life of them. But I left and then after a week we spoke every day still and after a week I came back. That was anticlimactic to say the least. I mean, alright, karaoke time.

I had to do it because you know, this is one of my my jams, like this is on, And I know you hate when I say this is my jam, one of jams, This is one of my why I gotta sound like I'm missing teeth, one of my jams this is on, wrote this is on rotation on one of like my go to playlists right from my girl Jasmine Sullivan. I love Jasmine Suliman's music, however, this one in particular. Al Right, I can't necessarily relate to everything in it, but it just makes me feel some kind

of way, you know what I'm saying. Ready, boom boom boom. Yeah, my hair and my ass fake, but so what so what? I get my rent paid with it? And these tids get me trips to places I can't pronounce. He said, they keep in coming. If I keep my body, it's time I eat. And then bit just stay mad because I'm living the line. Because I'm living the line, you know that it does go hard, and if you really actually look at the lyrics, I'm just like, okay, girl.

Like in another verse, she's like, I ain't got a job, but so what, I don't need it when I'm getting everything. I want everything I asked for. I wear a freakum dress for daddy and then he gives me more. I mean, I can relate now. I can relate now with my husband. However, I didn't really have moments like that back in the day. No, right now, let's talk about it. Let's talk about it alright, hotels, let's talk about it. But Mascara wasn't on hotels. That

song was before. Let's talk about that and hotels. I'm gonna tell you how the bell came back. But okay, So after the Vaal was going for a week because he made it a thing where he was like, gonna pack up my stuff, I'm gonna leave. I'm moving out. You know, I want to see other people. Blah blah blah. I was like, God, good, you know, so um he leaves and then he comes back like literally a week later.

And the best part about it is that it was in the wintertime, right, so it was one of those like really cold like New York days, like almost blizzard because it was a lot like wind and snow and all that. Devout, let me tell you, shows up at my door right with a suit with a suitcase. Right, he had this bubble coat on, but he had like a scarf wrapped around his head and like thrown over his neck. He literally looked like Mary J. Blige in the Not Gonna Cry video? What was your loving working

every day? Anything? I would do that? That's literally how Devot shot up out the doorstep, y'all. And at that point I was just like, how could I not like open the door and let him back in? And then here we are. First of all, I came back because I was hungry for two years and stuff like that. Then you go back to living in your dorm. Now, let's see what it is because you wanted to be out there holing, but she wasn't getting meals first of all, so hey, I wasn't home with neither. I had talked

to a few people, but I wasn't home. Neither one of us had a true whole face. Because I could have been a whole win, that's a fact could have been especially the years I was in the league. I could have been freaking home. I could have been holing too, but like a silent hole to like nobody had to know that I was holding if that was true, not to know that is true. But here's the label on people as hose hold on. Here's the thing why, Because this is what I want to ask you, the question

why when I asked you? Because now she's saying she missed her whole face. But when I asked her when she she wanted to go through her phase and date of the people she said no, why did you say no? Well, that's a loaded question. But I will start by saying this. I hate to say back in the day, because you're

already telling me I was over saying my jam. But back in the day, in our in our time, okay, the idea of a girl just being out there in these streets, as they would say, now, it was just something that I was taught being as I was raised, you know, by my parents and my mom even just like my cousin's older family members that that just was not becoming as my mom was, you know what I mean,

It was a lady like to do those kind of things. Um, So at that point in time, it was kind of just like, um, dating multiple men naturally, people assume that you're probably gonna then be having sex with them, So it's just like, Wow, you can't like just jump around from man to man because what will that look like?

You know what I'm saying. And then also too, there was also this feeling of me, as it pertains to you at the time, feeling like, man, if I was to not be with devout right now and I tell him, you know what you want to take other people, I'm going to take other people. At that point, I feel like even if we were to revisit being together later on, you'd probably feel like, damn, this time that we've spent

a part you might have been with other men. And even and even though we decided that we weren't going to disclose that being on a break with each other, like you do you you and I'll do me, and then we won't have to discuss that because that's going to be our off time. That for that's for us.

I feel like there still would have been this question in your mind, like, damn, you know, I don't know who could Dean has potentially been with, or how many people could Dean has potentially been with, And if that was gonna then skew your decision to pick back up where things left off or for us to potentially be together moving forward. There was also the fair in me that damn, somebody might be out there home with devout

better than I cant home. You know what I mean, meaning if we were talking about what you say to me, that you was fine with me going to talk to other people, don't. Yeah, At that point I felt like it was I was fine and I was talking out

of both sides of my mouth. I will say that because it was like and one breath, I felt like, Damn, I don't want to keep you here as a hostage either and make you feel like you are obligated to be here and then be unhappy because, to be honest, we both met each other at a space in our lives where we did not want to necessarily be with

another person solely. You had just gotten to college. I was also a boyfriend right and I was starting my second year of college when I transferred to Hafstra, coming from you know, a family background where my parents were you know, pretty strict, and I wasn't able to go out and do anything or just just have fun and and date and party and things like that. So I

was looking forward to that space in my in my life. Um. And then we met each other literally like my first right before my first semester, and then we were just like, damn, this just just maybe it. Um. So at that point in time, it wasn't for me necessarily about the amount of time I had invested for me. It was more so about I really really am into this person. I love this man. I can foresee a future with him.

Do I want to risk all of that by potentially a allowing him to potentially meet somebody else who he made I'm going to be with somebody else. You did say that I risk that, but then also to part of me felt like, damn, I really don't. Like I'm nervous. I'm scared that he may just not come back all right, because you were worried that if you were with someone else, that I wouldn't take you back. Um, in part that or that you would have just moved on, you know

what I'm saying. So you told me it was okay for me to go talk to someone else, so you will find willing to risk that. But you weren't willing to risk you talking to someone else because you were afraid that I wouldn't accept you based on the way I had. Yes, based on my mindset at that time. Yes. Now, the reason why I'm asking these questions specifically is because

of this. I am in favor of whole phases for women, right, and I'm gonna I'm gonna say this because one, I don't think it's necessarily a whole phase, all right, I don't um we call it a whole phase, which is part of the patriarchy. Right. If I'm out there talking to different women, even if I'm having sex or not, I'm some of my wild oats as a man. You told get that out of the system, experience what life

is like. Right for a woman, if she tries to have the same experiences, it's called the whole phase, which automatically has a negative connotation whether you're having sex or not. If you're dating multiple man, people automatically assume that you're

having sex. It's automatically called the whole phase. Right. So I'm in favor of a woman having autonomy over her life and her agency over her body, right, because I feel like that's the only way a woman can truly understand what it is to be a partner with someone wants it's time to get married, so that she's pretty much explored whatever options that she wanted to explore in whatever shape, form or fashion that looks like for her,

and then she can decide. All right, at this point, I've done all of these things, so now I'm confident in who I am and I won't necessarily put restrictions on my partner that And also, how could you understand where I'm coming from as a man if I've always had agency over my life and my experiences, if you've never had agency, right, So just think about it for historically, think about it for when you meet someone young, right, you have certain obligations, right, and you feel trapped. Right.

That's men and women we meet each other young, we're trying to be who the other person wants us to be.

We feel trapped. For women, women feel trapped whether they're in a relationship or not, because society has already dictated that if you date around too much, or if you have sex with multiple people your whole So in your life, you've automatically been trapped in this idea that I have to save myself for the one person I choose, And once I choose that person, I can't choose somebody else because if I choose someone else after this one person, then I'm a whole. So I gotta deal with this

one person. Right. So, now that you put all of that that women have been trapped with right now, that woman becomes a wife. You know what that woman does then tries to trap their husband in that same mindset because that's how they existed their whole life. And that is why I'm in favor of the whole phase. I'm

calling the whole face. That's what's called but autonomy for women and agency having their bodies because the only way they can understand the the value of having choices is if we give women choices because it sounds nice, No, it does sound we just so that the vast majority does not feel that way, because in a patriarchal society, control over a woman's body is essential to maintaining power.

Right Historically, and issues of issues of choice are turned into issues of morality, um, political pillars, those kind of things, right, and women are taught that their value lies in their purity in the eyes of men, and then then that even takes it to like though it takes two to tango, the man cannot be responsible for his animalistic desires. So

there's like two completely different things being made here. And the idea in that order to be desired, women must feed men's egos and satisfy their delusions while still suppressing their own needs and desires. It's created who a whole toxic culture between But do you not understand why people

struggle in relationships because of that? And what I'm saying is that the patriarchy has created it so that women, once you get married, are your property now you know, so it doesn't matter what they want or need because you own her. That's why she takes your last name. What I'm saying is, I don't want a piece of property. I don't thrive in a relationship where I want to

tell my wife what it is. I want to live in a relationship where my wife chose me the same way I chose her, because I know sexually, And this is why it's important for That's why even the whole phase aspects sexually, your wife is going to give you a better sexual experience if she is wholeheartedly choosing to be with you in that moment. You see what I'm saying. I'm I'm being selfish. I'm i am absolutely being selfish. I'm not saying this because I want women to feel

empowering and all this other stuff. And you know, men need to take control, you know me own up of the patriarchy. And because it sounds nice, I'm saying this because I'm being selfish, and I'm telling you as a husband, I feel better having sex when we have sex. When you've chosen to have sex in that moment, the sex is just better. You see what I'm saying. When you're

obligated to have sex, sex is terrible. So for me, it's like, you know what, thinking over years, if Cadine ever had a whole phase where she went out and had agency over her life, right and say we didn't meet at a team, Say you had your whole face before we met, before we met, Say we met at five, but from eighteen to twenty five you dated, you were able to be with different guys. I wouldn't know who they were. I wouldn't know how many, it wouldn't matter.

But now you've had that opportunity to feel free and be have agency. But now you're choosing to be with me. I know for a fact that when you're choosing to be with me, you're choosing it out of your own free will. So now you're enjoying every moment that you have. And that's me being selfish. I want those moments. I don't want it to be Dang. He felt trapped her whole life we've been dating is eighteen and then now that we're married in together, she's trapped here too, and

she wants to trap me because she felt trapped. No, I understand it's interesting that you said that. I didn't think of it in that way where you're you're saying, okay, because I may have felt trapped. Or say, a woman feels trapped because she was not able to explore all of the options that she had, whether it be just courting, dating, sex, relationships, whatever, it then causing her to then want to entrap the man.

And then I guess that resentment can kind of spill over when the resentment has nothing necessarily to do with your husband in that moment because he may not have been the guy that you might have met him two years ago, and at that point, you know, he had nothing to do with the fact that you were not able to do those things. But now he is now unfortunately having to bear the brunt of it. Tell me

we haven't been interesting. We've We've talked about sex a lot, right, And you said things to me just like, well, no, you just have to be with me at this point because I'm your wife and that's it. These things you talked about having other options and off like, no, it's a wrap. This is what it is because I'm your wife and my husband, right, and I say to you, babe, we have options, like and I've always said you like, we have options. I don't have to be here the

same way you don't have to be here. You've said to me, what options have I had my whole life? I've had to be this way to be prepared to be a wife. So you've never felt like you've had options. You felt like society has put on you that you've had to be as close to a version as possible to be acceptable. So think about it. The reason why you feel like me not having options is okay. It is because you felt like your whole life you've never had options and you learned to live with them. But

I haven't lived that way. So when someone says to me, I'm taking away your options, it's kind of like, how you can just take away my options? Nobody can take away my options, but I'm not realizing that because I've never existed in that state. It's almost like when a white person says they don't understand racism because they're they're white, that you know they have the ability to kind of escape from that because they're not black. Yeah, I mean,

of course they're so far removing. They have that privilege. Definitely had that privilege is a man to be able to do what I want to do and not feel the pressure from society of it. So when I come into a relationship with my wife, who has these pressures

as a woman, I'm not understanding it. And it really made me think, like, you know what, if I had met Codeine at as opposed to eighteen and she went through her quote unquote whole face, whether that was multiple partners or just dating more, I feel like you would have been in a more inclined position to say I'm willing to compromise here on this because I did what I wanted to do. I've had agency. I want to

see how we can compromise. But when you spent your whole life feeling trapped and now we're married, you're like, bro, I've been trapped, so well, yeah, it's found upon And especially if you're come from a family or that has maybe religious beliefs and stuff like that, you're like holding onto you know, your your virginity until marriage, for example, and then at that point it becomes a thing where it's like damn, Like, my husband is the one person

that I've been with, and the argument there may be, oh, this is the one person I've been with, so I can't compare this to anything else. And I can understand that, But also too, as you get older and you're with that one person and you realize, man, there might have been opportunities for me to then explore more. So it becomes hard because not to say my family was super religious,

but they did instill in me, Yeah, they were. They were raised that way to my parents, not so much my grandparents, aunt and uncle's yes, but also raising that you know you're always valuing is valuing yourself, valuing your body, and then also to when I think about it, the whole phase, does that necessarily mean the number of penises you've had? You know what I mean? Is it just it just that? Is it just strictly intercourse? I mean typically when you say a girl's like, oh, it means

that historically she's been sleeping with mad people. But also too, it doesn't have to be that, right, No, it doesn't need to be that because the minute you date right or start dating, people automatically assume that two people who are dating are having sex. Like that's just the world that we live in this space right now, and it's almost expected if you're no, yeah, if you're it's almost

expected like are we gonna? That's what. There's the whole casual sex thing that happens nowadays too that it's just like right, so, and that's that's the error we live in now. But it's called the whole phase, and it has that negative connotation once again because of the control factor. You want women to limit their sexual partners because as a as a property owner, as a man, I want my woman to only be with me. Right, It's it

talked about feeding their delusions in their egos. If this woman has only been with me, she can't compare me to nothing. I'm always going to be the best she ever had. I'm saying. So if she's with yeah, you always hear somebody she for the streets. She for the streets. That's not a that's not a positive thing. That's my point. I've heard men use those things. I've heard your male friends use that. Now I'm getting what she for the streets. Absolutely,

you know what I mean. But my thing is says, do people have to know that you're for the streets or can you hold silently then talk? Absolutely? Men talk. But here's the thing, is it howing if you're not having sex with everybody right, you can't even get a whole phase because if you go on a date with this person and they go to date with it might as well accepted at this point, you know what we all. Here's my thing. We're not we're not setting women up to be wives or be good life partners if we're

not giving them agency. What you're trying to do is brainwash someone to exist in the space you want them to exist in, and that is not going to make a person happy in their relationship. I see, Yeah, when you're bringing it back to relationship, I completely get it. Let her do what she wants, let him do what he wants. So when they finally do get with somebody and they want to settle down, then it makes sense. They've they've experienced, they've lived. Yep. And it's in part

too why a lot of people are waiting till later. Nowadays, I feel like in our generation and the narrations to you know, after us are waiting to settle down. There's not a lot of people getting married in their twenties anymore. If anything, people are waiting until their thirties. People aren't

getting married at all, you know what I mean? And that that maybe in part two because at that point in your life you kind of feel like you've experienced, you've lived, you've done things, and then you know who you are and what you want and what you don't want. Well, I think what we what we have to do is give a little context, kind of like we do with racism, right,

We've got to give context of sexism. Right. So for for white people who don't understand racism, right, they don't understand the pressures black people live with every day existing in America, for example, where the Constitution have deemed them three fields of a human being or property. Right, So when we when we walk around, we get policed harder. You know what I'm saying. We don't get access to revenue, we don't get access to things. Those pressures exist on

us every single day that white people don't understand or feel. Right, It's the same thing with sexism in the world. Right, there certain privileges that men have and they're not even privy to because they don't exist in that space. So for a woman, if you dress provocatively, you can be considered the whole. If you're out of a certain time,

you're considered the whole. If you're seen with a certain guy, you're considered a hope, which to me I think is completely unfair because what we're not allowing women to do is come into their own their own person. So, for example, there is um everyone has a sexual being inside of them, right, women as well. Men who want to be in monogamous relationships with women want that woman to understand their sexual

beings and be everything to them sexually. Right. You told this woman her whole life not to be sexual at all, not to engage in anything sexual. But then when you get her, she has to be everything. How does that work? You know what I'm saying? Thing like, if if we seriously think about that from a practicality standpoint, it doesn't

make any sense. And that's why I'm in favor of I'm not even gonna say a whole face, but allowing women because the whole phase is just so negative, but allowing women to have autonomy and agency over anything they want to do. Because it also was just a choice. I'm a man, I could have been through a huge hole phase. I just didn't want to do it right. I want to be monogamous. You know what I'm saying, Um, I value my body. I don't want to share my

body with any in everybody. I made choices in my life or who I wanted to share my body with at that time. But I wasn't homing the way I could have been homing. And I think that if it's

for a woman, she should have the same opportunity. That's interesting that you said that that as a man, you feel like you value your body in a in a way that not just even thinking about sharing it with anybody else, but just for you internally, you value yourself in your body so much that you feel like, you know what, I don't want to do these things or I don't want to be promiscuous because I value myself.

Do you think that men think that way often? Or is it a thing where because I've heard of men, you know, when I hear side chat or when you know, guys an talk but they think I ain't listening, that are listening. Some men just be putting it in whatever. And I don't know if it's because you also wear your organs on the outside of your body, so it's just kind of like a detachment, whereas with females and women,

you know, you know, biologically everything is internal. I mean, I mean, it's definitely different because of where the organs lie. With a woman, you have more, uh, there's more opportunities for you that one get pregnant or get a sexually transmitted disease, the more sexual partners you have because everything is internal. And then a lot of times y'all are silent, right, so for us, we we feel invincible. You know, it's outside. Oh, if I get something, I could just take a shot

or get a pill or whatever. And it's good for women, it's not that simple. So for men, they're more likely to be like, I'll put on the condom and I'll just smash because also we've been conditioned to feel like that's how you prove your manliness. A lot of it just comes down to conditioning, you know, it doesn't really it comes down to an ideology that we're taught. You know, growing up, you watch television. Most of us in the black community watch rap videos, R and V videos. If

you watch rap videos, it's typically one two men. The videos a ton of women, right, and the women are objectified and the men are like, I'm getting this, I'm getting that, I'm doing this, I'm doing that right. But the same men who feel comfortable doing that have a problem with a Cardi B or Meg the Stallion and the WAP video because they're like, oh, y'all are glorifying being a whole, you know what I'm saying, And y'all

shouldn't glorify that. To me, it's kind of like like, damn, Like, how how is the woman that you choose for the rest of your life supposed to be that whole for you? You know what I'm saying. You're my wife, right, I'm your husband when it comes time to things that you want sexually. I want to be able to provide all of those things for you. How do I figure that out if I don't explore sexually? You know what I'm saying. How do you figure that out if you don't explore sex?

I mean you can explore together because the kind of like how we've grown, like right, because when we were eighteen having sex versus now two completely different ends of

the sect, you know what I mean. But also too, we're, like I said before, we're kind of like that that couple that's been together for so long and you know, people because we chose that, whereas there are people who are like, well into their twenties and thirties and still still exploring and still trying to figure things out and things don't work out. You know. That's my point is the choice. The point is not even the actual act

of having sex with a whole bunch of people. It's the ability to have the choice to say that this is what I want to do. I know for a fact, right that I asked that question to you in college, I said, do you want to see other people? Right? I knew that you've always been about modesty and you've always been about being a lady. Right. I never wanted you later on in our marriage to be like I never got a chance to do the things I wanted to do, and now I'm going to take it out

on devout. And I always felt, even as a young man, that that's what happened a lot. That's what happens a lot in marriages. Women don't get a chance to explore who they are, and not exploring is even a mental freedom to say, if I wanted to, I can can feel like judge for it. Right, you don't feel like you definitely don't know. We don't have that. What do you do? So what do you do when you become

a wife, and what do you do? You put all of that pressure absolutely yeah, and be like, well, I didn't have a chance to do that, so you see, I'm still alive, I'm still here. So then once you put that on me and I was defensive, like what you like, you can't stop me from doing what I want to do. That to me is the problem. It's

the problem when you take people's choices away. When you take people's choices away and you then you try to date them, they're gonna ultimately try to take your choices away. I want to be here because I want to be here. I want you to be here because you want to be here, not because you feel obligated by society's constraints on you as a woman that you have to be here to be to gain more value. You know what I'm saying to me, That doesn't add anything to our

soul ties. That's just you saying, well, I got to be a wife to be considered valuable, and I gotta stay with Devout, and then the sex reflects that because you won't feel that way. I've always wanted you to open up and be like, yo, I want to be with Devout because I chose to be here. The only way we get that from our women is if we allow him to do that and let them make the choice. And some women just go ahead and do it. Some women may hope, some women may hope, but some women

may just be like, oh, I can't hope. I still like him. No, right, you know what I'm saying, And that's the point. Like me, I feel like if I did have the opportunity back in the day, I feel like I would have been the serial monogamous anyway. That just kind of always wanted to be with one person or just kind of get because I feel like there's also a point to where women want to have that whole phase, but we usually are the ones that tend

to fall emotionally faster. So you may go into a relationship or you may meet somebody with this mindset thinking, you know what, we're just gonna have fun. You know, regardless of where you are in your life, you could just be a young woman just out there, you know, having a good time. You could be a woman who was newly separated or divorced. You could be any of those things and just kind of feel like, you know what, I'm not going to get my feelings involved. I'm just

gonna go out there. I want to have fun, I'm gonna date. I may or may not have sex with somebody, but then the feelings tends to get involved at that point and then it may escalate into something more. So I think sometimes women too have to be careful of that because I know that probably would have been me.

I would have been like, no, I'm gonna just have fun, and the next you know, it's just like, oh, I love you, and then what happens, you know what I mean, and it depends on the agreement that you're coming into these relationships with two. You can be coming to into a relationship or you can be meeting somebody saying putting it on the table, I'm just here to have a good time. Whatever that means. However it goes, We're gonna

go with the flow. We're not gonna put any boundaries, We're not gonna put any expectations on it, because I think with boundaries and expectations, in addition to the societal pressures, comes all of these restraints. So instead of doing that, I kind of feel like, you know, there's there's levels

to it. You could be that person that wants to just have a good time and then no strings attached and then you move on, or you're the person that decides like, oh my goodness, this may not be for me, you know, but like you said, having the the the ability to be able to decide that is what we're and it is as a man, when you have sex with your wife on the days where she wants to have sex, the sex is a hundred times better. When you have sex with your wife on the days where

she feels like this is the obligation. Trash is trash, you know what I'm saying. It's a trash smash. That's what I'm a laboring trash trash. And for me, I feel like we can eliminate the amount of trash smashes if we allow women, not even allow, because even the word allow. If we empower women, if because we spoke about allowed last season with the Girls, if anybody allow,

nobody do nothing. If we empower women to, at some point in their life be open to make enough choice of whether they want to be somebody's women or not. And and imagine how many better wives there would be, right if the wives who are wives became wives because they chose that wifehood is what they wanted, as opposed to being obligated to be a wife because they feel like their standard of womanhood was risen because they became

a wife. Think about it, how many better wives. So now, when you when you dating someone purposefully as a man, and this woman is saying to you, um, yeah, I'm looking to be a wife. You know she's not saying that because she knows she has to say it, because society tells her she has to say it. No, this woman is saying she's looking to be a wife because she wants to be a wife, which means everything that

comes with being a wife. She's ready to take on because she made the choice to not because society pressured her to feel So, how are we gonna be out here making better husbands? Better husbands are going to be men who feel like, Okay, well my wife has been traveled so or not. No better husbands would be like this if I'm empowered as a man too, sold my wild oads and live my life the way I want to live my life, not being monogamous. There's women out

there who want to do that. Those women aren't being judged me as a man, or I'm not being judged. But what if you live that life where there's women who you know don't want to be monogamous, and y'all at having fun, but it's empty. And and a man says, you know what, I want a wife because now I'm looking for that. I want a wife. I've tried this lifestyle where I have multiple women and I can go in and out of relationships, and it was empty. I

want to try something more permanent. Now he's making the choice to be permanent, and he finds a woman who's making a choice to be permanent. Those people are deliberately making a choice to be with each other without any societal obligations or without any patriarchal restraints or Yeah, I think it's safe to say that there are lanes now in this space and time that we're in, there are lanes for that. I think what's missing though, is just

transparency for sure. You know what I mean. The facades because of the fear of judgment, the fear of judgment. So it's like a vicious cycle here. You see what we're going with. This is a vicious because there are lanes for people. There are there are men and women that just say, you know what, I don't ever think I want to be married, I don't ever think I want to be in a relationship, and those groups that pool of people should get together and have a good

time exactly. Then you may change your mind years down the line and say, you know what, there is something that I'm searching for that I feel like I could find value in marriage and I'm willing to be the person to give and to serve and I'm missing that. Then you get with that group of people, so everybody pick you out pool were all at, where are you gonna be? What is your lane? And and be transparent

about what you're looking for. I think that should be one of the first things up front when you're dating somebody or you're looking to just even have conversation. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying upfront, why am I here? What am I looking for? And it's also safer like, it's safer like whatever you're doing, please do it like I think about it. If if we empower a quote unquote whole phase, and I'm going to continue to say that because that's how people relate to it.

If we empower a whole phase, right, and there's a pool of women who don't want to be monogamous and they want to have fun. There's a pool of men who don't want to be monogamous, don't want to have fun, and they're being safe collectively and having fun collectively, and they're being transparent. No feelings get hurt, you know I'm saying, people, and I mean this is a utopia. Of course, feelings always get hurt because someone may not want someone to

be with someone. But you know what I'm saying. But if you have then the pool of people who had the choice to be there and not be judged, but chose to be in a marriage and not have to feel like I have to live a secret life because

I gotta be elimination. If we were living in this utopia, the elimination of the side chick and the side dude, I honestly feel like it would be eliminated because you wouldn't need us if you don't want to get married, right, and you won't get judged for not getting married, whether you're a woman or a man, and you can live your life in a polyamorous or a polygamist uh situation. There's no need to lie and have a side check or aside do I can live there and not be

judged if there is. If there's a woman, for example, can I'm gonna use women as an example, a lot of women. There are some women who have higher sex drives than men, right, but because of the patriarchy, those women are considered sexual deviance, and you know they are. They hold they have a high sex drive, something's wrong with them. Those women feel shamed because no one man can please them sexually, right, So they feel shamed. So

you know what happens, They get with a guy. They try to find a guy that can please them, and when that guy can't reach that level, then they feel like, then I gotta go find something else, because once again you're trying to protect is he his ego? You don't want to tell him that he's not pleasing you in every way possible, so you're like, I'm gonna protect his ego, but I'm still gonna go get what I want out

of my life. And then she cheats, and she's a cheater because she she does not have the agency to feel comfortable saying I want to be with multiple guys or I don't want to be in him an argumist relationship, because the minute a woman says that she's labeled a whole and her value has decreased, you know what I'm saying, And I think that it's unfair and it's it's it's showing the flaws in humanity by saying that everyone has to live under this type of lifestyle in order to

be considered okay or successful. And I think that it's it's failed us because the divorce rate is I don't think anything pursuing, nothing really super positive has come from this patriarchal way of existing. No, the same way. Nothing, nothing positive has come out of racism, you know. But but just like anything else, it's been in play for

thousands of years. So we're trying to untangle ourselves from something that's embedded in our way of thinking, in our way of life, and it's going to take some time to get out of it. But having conversations. Was just about to say, I love that we can even have a conversation like this, you know, which is so funny because I'm thinking about different clips from this conversation. I'm just like, oh lord, if somebody hears this one little clip, let's hope that people live the type of people that

I don't even care. Here's like, listen to the whole episode. That'll get the contact. People ask all the time, how do y'all make it? We've been having these conversations were years old, since we've been taking rides in my raft for do you know from half Strits and Virginia Beach on, you know, because we were vacations and whatnot, but were thing. But yeah, we were talking about a lot of having

the same conversation about you. I wanted you to I was like, go out and exploring, you said no, and I was learning about you, then you were learning about me. But we've been having these conversations for a long time, and I think that's part of the reason why we've had longevity is because I'm constantly trying to understand not only your mindset, but how you got to this point. You know, it's not for me. It's not only important to understand you know what you're thinking. I gotta understand

why you're thinking that as my wife. Why does my wife think? Like why did my wife think at that point that it is okay to tell me to go out and date other people? But she didn't want to say she wanted to date other people? And then when you hear that, it's like, oh wow, she didn't think that I would accept her if she dated other people, but she was willing to let me date other people. Shows how constraining and stifling that can be for a woman.

And why And it makes me understand, now, why is my wife When we have conversations and I say, and you tell to me like I forbid you from doing this, And I'd be like, how are you gonna forbid me? And you look me in my eye and be like you're not doing that, And I'm like, how does she feel that she can do that? But I'm realizing you've lived that way women being told you cannot or should not do that. I get it. You don't like, seriously, don't do that no more. And I think that's what

makes makes us lasting work. Like I honestly feel like you are here because you want to be here. You know that I'm here because I'm gonna be here, And that's that's what makes it great. That's why I wake up every morning. I can smile, I can rub on your but I can kiss you, I can do and say the things that I feel because you're choosing to be here. You know, I don't. I don't walk on eggshells thinking at any moment, Cadine's gonna bounce, you know what I'm saying. So um to close this out, this

is one question that I missed. I think it's kind of interesting. What is it I'm asking you this because you're a man um and what do you think satisfies What is it satisfy for men in power to make choices about women's body, Like, what what is it about men trying to make these decisions? Whether it's you know these political leaders saying, you know, abortion is a thing or not, Like, what is it? What does it give

y'all as men? What kind of satisfaction does it give you as men to say I have this control over a woman or her body. So so I think that's a lotted question. Um, I don't think that men get satisfaction from just making that decision. What I think happens is men are conditioned the same way women are conditioned to think, think a certain way, right, And as a young man, you're told, you know, be a leader, you want to be a leader. You know what I'm saying.

Women are emotional, They can't think for themselves. You have to think for them. You have to make this decision. That's your woman. So when you're conditioned to think that way as an adult, you feel like that's you. You take that as truth, you know what I'm saying. You take that as truth, and you're like, you know, I'm protecting her from herself, and that's my duty and my

obligation as a man to protect her. And you don't realize until you become more aware and you start to speak to women and understand their perspectives, do you realize that everything you've been taught about being a man is not the truth. Like it's not it's not absolute truth. It's like the savior mentality that men have with women historically, that it's just like, you know, she can't do for herself. Yeah, gonna have to save her from herself and her emotional

as self. Yeah, it's just like yeah, yeah, it's just it's just men and women think differently because we're conditioned differently. So the same way women feel like men are stupid, right, Like, think about it, we feel like women are emotional and we see your emotional creatures and you can't make decisions. That's complex. I'm not talking about what you think. If you speak to women, women say men are dumb. We're dumb. We don't we only think what our little head, not

our big hand up top. That's all women say all the time because they're conditioned to believe that. And even in mainstream media, you know, even if you watch shows about families, there's always the dumb dad, you know, it's always the dumb dad. And the person who saves the day typically is the mom. The mom secretly because she can't she can't save the day in front of the dad. She has to make the dad feel like he's the hero,

but she's the brains behind the operations. It's constantly perpetuating that idea, you know, when when realistically all it is is that we think the fly because we've been conditioned differently. And if we stop conditionally conditioning our young boys and our young girls differently and condition them to the same way of life, they'll have similar thoughts and be able to decide what they want to do. Reciprocating that level of respect in that stance will then made for a

lot of healthier relationships in the long run. Absolutely, you know, because it kind of worked for us. Like I allow, I allow you, and I enjoy that you are the leader and the husband and you are like the head of the household and all that stuff too. But that's not to a deficit with me also being a value to you and the fast you know. Um, So that's

that's that's that's interesting all for the whole face. Yeah, I really am, like I implore, um, any dude who's dating a young lady who she feels like she's unsure, empower her to make the choices for herself. And if that's the woman you love, depending on where you you know, where you are in your life. You're either going to have to meet her and what she wants and needs or allow her to go find what moment of truth before we got to the moment the moment speaking. You know,

we should totally bring Jasmine Sulevan in to talk about hotels. Jasmine, you listen, you have to, you have to. I want to hear a woman. She's coming because her latest album Hotels, and then of course for karaoke, I horribly sang it's awful. Yeah, but I mean it was. It's it's interesting that that I think her her music definitely puts out conversation pieces that we should be talking about. Um, so somebody hit the Jasmine's people, tell her people to call my people.

We could be people. All right, let's take a quick break, y'all. We're gonna get into listener letters. After we get into some ass, we're back with listening letters. You want to go the first? You want to go first? Okaya? Hi, my name is Mar. What's up? Mar? And not from Arkansas? You gave us a name and the location. Not everybody know who you are. Uh, we have more than grass fields, I promise. How guys. I'm currently will be twenty two

in December. Sagittarius Gang, Gang Gang. I am a senior in college and I'm graduating in December with a public administration bachelor's degree. I'm twenty one said that twice, and I have never been in a relationship, never really came close to one, and I'm really confused about why. My friends tell me I am extremely mature for my age and that's why. And I used to believe that, but as I get older, I'm starting to think it's me. I'm not pretty enough. Does my personality suck? Do I

just not have a girlfriend glow about me? I think of myself as very smart, caring, and compassionate. I think having fun and um, I like having fun, and I'm very independent. I don't want a boyfriend or anything but a partner in crime and someone to do life with. With situation quickly approaching, I'm wondering if there is any point in continuing to try and put myself out there, because what do you do when you feel unwanted and undesirable? Help a girl out? What can I do? I love you, guys,

content and your beautiful family. Thank you, marm one, just the first thing she said, don't get caught up in society standards of what beauty is again, because when she said not pretty enough because my personality. Yeah, well people people find all sorts of other people beautiful and amazing. So there is no one standard for beauty that you have to fit in order to be desirable by someone else.

So the first thing I would say is the simple fact that you seem unsure about yourself that can be undesirable. You know. Confidence is that I think the biggest component of beauty in both men and women. Someone walks inconfident, then you know, you know, there may be somebody that in my and may not be the most attractive, you know, for for my style or taste, but might be out

there with somebody. You know. It's funny. My mom has this Jamaicans saying, and it's a thing where how does it oh, every whole the whole, It is funny we're talking about now, but not the whole as in like a whole as in the garden, to every every whole, have it have it stick a bush, meaning like there's a match for everybody in this world? Pretty much? So yeah, I agree in that though, like confident, whatever you're exuding um usually sometimes is a bigger indicator than your personality,

than your looks, than what you do. Then how much money you earn that can be a huge deciding factor. I have an interesting story to tell one of my boys. I'm not going out in me and I'm not going

out his wife. Because one of my boys from college, right, he had a certain thing that that was his thing type of woman, right, certain type of look that the I'm married this this isn't right, meets this girl right, walks in with withridiculous confidence, right, and he's just like, bro something about her, And I'm like what he's like, No, Like, look at how she walked. And when she talks to me, she stares me into my soul. She's like staring into

my soul. And I'm just like, you know what I'm saying. He's just and ain' him getting married, have kids, right, and he is infatuated and doesn't fit her, like she doesn't fit the mold at all into what he thought he wanted in a wife. But it's and it was something about it. And when I first saw her, I did say to him, I said, she got crazy sex appeal, Like you know some women are taught to be small, you know some Some women are taught to be small

to make men feel to make themselves. This woman is told she always has her shoulders back, chin up, and when she speaks to guys, she's, oh, she's she's I think she's five eight, so she's almost eye level with most guys. And she does stare into your soul. But there is something sexy about it. She does isn't dressed scantily clad or wear tight clothes, you know what I'm saying. But there's something sexy about her in the way she moves that is just like, yo, did she just mad sexy?

And the reason when what we deduced it to all of us in our group chat was like she has a confidence that certain certain people know like like they had, they know who they are. When you meet a woman who knows who she is, it don't matter what she looked like, You like, I gotta I gotta have her. And I feel like women need to hear that more.

You know what I'm saying. Yeah, I mean the same could be said for men, because there's on the on the flip side of that, there's somebody else that we know within our circle of people, and Homie be walking in here pulling pulling women okay, and I'm like, how how is he doing it? And then it almost makes you question the women that he's bringing in, like why

you know what I'm saying. And it may be in part because we know a little bit more about him in the context of it, but just on on this an aesthetic level, it's kind of just like this confidence on a thousand, and that's that's what it is a thousand because it makes women be like, what is it

about him that he walks around with that? Right? And and it's still that don't take away from me being like what I mean, but off the that if you're approaching somebody with that level of confidence and you're just like, yo, this is what I have to offer. I'm not sure what it is yet, but this confidence you're gonna You're gonna You're gonna have this confidence. He's gonna get it.

Here's the advice for Mar because what you just said and what I just said, Mar, you need to learn who you are, Embrace who you are, be confident about who you are, and when you walk into that room, let everybody know that Mars there. That doesn't mean you're loud. That doesn't mean you have to be boisterous, are arrogant. But when you have that confidence, it's attractive to people.

Because one thing, I will say, this unattractive, no matter what the girl looks like, right, slout, shoulders, no eye contact, that is unattractive. You know, it doesn't walk tall like. That's completely awkwardness. That awkward like, you know, and even those people find someone else who's awkward and they can fall in love. But when you have confidence in who you are. When I stepped to the valve, did they ask step to him? Baby boy, couldn't say. No, this

wasn't just what it is. It was my confidence. No, you don't think it's my confidence. When I shot my shot, it was your booty, buckets, it was a booty. You should have walked, You should have walked backwards. Granted I was literally like forty pounds lighter than but so if we're gonna be honest, we're gonna bet. When I met Codeine, she didn't have on the scantill clad dress. She had on a pink flow. No, you don't know a paint pink flow we dressed. I can't see her figure at all.

I didn't know she was holding that under there. But what it intrigued me was you. You were gorgeous. You had like a beautiful smile, and you came up and you said Brian and devour Ellis. And that confidence to come say my name and come talk to me did intrigue me, like yo was one like she you know, so it really it really wasn't. I was like, man, listen, I'm gonna shoot my shot today. If it's one thing I'm gonna take away from this, Yeah, it wasn't your body,

it was. It was it was their confidence and you you looked me in my eye, you smiled and you were It was like mesmerizing because I mean, it does help you. And that's when we knew we hit it off. That was it. That was it. It was a rap. More good luck, baby girl. You're twenty one and you're still growing into yourself too as well. So you and you were sagittarious and that's just what we do, baby girl, get it together. Okay. Once she started clapping, she feels

like all of that. All right, Hey guys, so I'm in need of some dead ass advice. By the way, you two are just the cutest and very much admirable exist conein. Please be all up in my business acting like I'm trying to be in business anyway. Um okay, So here's the rundown. I'm a twenty nine year old female cancer cancers. My sister is a cancer emo um.

About fifteen years ago, I gave my first love, who's a Sagittarius, my virginity, and we've always stayed in contact, and if we wasn't talking, he was always checking on me. He's a great man and a father to his daughter. I love him, and he has all great qualities for the man I want to settle down with. I'm a single mother and he's always made it clear that he wants to settle down with me and to make me his wife. But the only capital only thing is that

he isn't attractive to me physically. He doesn't meet my standards. I very much have a type quote unquote, as my friends would say. I always tell myself that I would marry him only if I don't find anyone by the age of thirty five who meets my standards in that area, plus everything and more of what he offers and brings to the table whoa so basically a plan B, but I will not have children with him, even though we both want more children. Yo, this person yo, Okay, what

am I to do? I need help? My friends tell me I'm selfish and I need to let him go. Your friends, yes, what if he's my person and I'm just being shallow? I don't know. Please help me, girl. Well, he goes back to de Vo talking about his friend with confidence. Right, has a friend with confidence? Yes? And having that friend with confidence then ended up Matt online.

Not the friend of confidence. You had the friend who had the confidence life, who at the time may not have fit his puzzles description what he typically would look for, but she had all the things right. She had pretty much everything else. Um So, girl, I think you're being selfish.

I agree with your friends because you're kind of leading this guy on not knowing or knowing that you honestly don't you're not attracted to him, which is funny because I do have somebody that I know that has said that she wants like an ugly person because she feels like if she has an ugly person that treats her right, don't worry about anybody else wanted him, because that's not But that's not true. He may be, he may be ugly to her. Somebody else gonna find that man attractively.

Stick up, this is my thing, right, she's being selfish holding on his shringing this man alone, But she's not being selfish by saying what she wants. I mean, that's the agree. So ultimately, ultimately she has to ship. I'll get off the pot. Either you're gonna say to this man, you know what, let's you know, let's do this together. Has work this out, or I'm trying to be nice. Yo. She not attracted to him, bro, that's gonna be an issue for them, a major issue. You're not attracted to him, bro,

that's not shallow. Everyone wants to be attracted to somebody right now. Meeting someone who you didn't think you would be attracted to and becoming attracted to them is different than know whing you're not attracted to someone and then marrying them because they have all the other qualities, Because then that's going to be issues, especially in the bedroom, because then she's gonna be like and then she says,

we're not gonna have no more kids. I don't think he's attractive because she don't want to have kids, that look like him. Move on, Move on, sis, sis, move on, move on, move on, move on. She's having no kids with him because of how he looks. She's worried about his features and children. Move on, and I'm sorry girl, move on. Period. That was easy. So if you like to be featured as one of our listening to letters, email us at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com. That's d A D A S S A d V

I C at Gmail. That girl wanted me on her business and she gave me all the tea. I'm still this is interesting, all right? Well, moment of truth time, moment of truth. I forgot what we were talking about. What we're talking about, whole face. This is my moment of truth about whole phase. The first moment of truth is, let's stop calling it the whole face, all right? A woman having a woman having an agency and autonomy over her life in any aspect should not have a negative connotation, period.

That is it. And the second aspect to my moment of truth is this, we would all exist in better relationships if we allowed people to have agency over their lives without judgment, because once that person makes a choice to be with someone else, simply because they want to, not because they're obligated by society or the other person. The love and that relationship will be a lot greater, the intimacy in that relationship will be a lot greater. The chemistry wi a lot of be a lot greater

than the longevity and the respect will last. And that's how you get happy relationships. So that's my moment of good. Well, you kind of stole a little bit of mine, which I'm meant to say, let's stop holding it the whole phase because of the negative connotation. But if you must hope whole silently, there is no reason that you have to hold and let everybody know you see barsya already know how to stay with my bars. You don't got a hole And anybody know I like dead Ass, so

be sure to find us on social media. Dead asked the podcast. You can find me at cadeine I am the Poet, and and that's at I Am Devout. And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe. When I starts the clapping, make sure you do that. I love when you make a clap. Dead Ass about to go into another whole phase because your wife whole phase. Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast network and is produced by the

Noorapinia and Triple. Follow the podcast on social media at dead as to podcasts and Never miss a Thing.