Marriage sex be whacked as fuck. No, it's not with me, marriage sex. I'm talking about marriage sex. Marriage sex be whack as fuck.
All right, dead ass, I guess dead ass?
Dead ass?
So how do we get this spark pothin or how do we keep it? Is the question.
That's what we're gonna talk about casually.
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devou and we're the Ellis's.
You may know us from posting funny videos with our.
Boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Yes, sir, we are.
We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics.
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take Bilos off to our whole new level.
Dead ass starts right now.
All right, story time, story time, I'm gonna take y'all back to two weeks ago.
We're on a flight coming back from.
Oh god, we're because we've been on so many flights, y'all.
We're coming back to yourself.
Okay, back here.
From and you and Jackson, no, you and Kiro were sitting in first class.
I was in comfort plus I was sitting right behind.
You, right behind us, and we were getting ready to go back home, and we weren't able to have the type of sex that we wanted to have because Cairo was staying with losing cure cyle. So we was like it was two dry days, right, which you know in
our house doesn't happen too often. But I remember sitting there texting and k was sending me memes from Instagram, like sexy memes, and then she sends me a text on the meme it was just like, yo, I want you to do some and so to me, and then at the end of it, she was just like, I want to get fucked. And to be honest, though, I don't think a lot of people realize how important that
is in the marriage. When you and your spouse decide that we're not going to play the marriage game, right, we were gonna play the I want to get mind game in the bedroom, and that's what I want to talk about today.
All right, Now we can unravel that story, baby, when you're ready. All right, karaoke time. I feel like we've had so many episodes about sex. We're talking about random different things about sex, so we're.
Not a different one though.
We're trying to remember, like what songs we've used, and we use knocking the boots before.
Uh huh, we used less talk about done that.
I got a different one.
This time, you got different. I let you pick today.
Shout out to our roots since we both Jamaican.
Oh yeah, he is the passport to proof of baby, and the popis them mm hmm.
And now I got the voice, So dime to a have six look out a long every rude boy, yea weird flicks.
Dime do I have said?
Bye, that's a good one. Flip flip flip flip flicks before you're rich, I guess perfume.
Oh my god, that's when it said, man, yeah.
Child crazy because we were singing this stuff as children. I know.
I think it came out in It was either ninety nine or ninety was it really? Yeah? So I remember from Bethlehem, so I was like six.
Trying to figure out how to wind my waist tight because that's when all of the slow wine was happening in nineteen ninety flu.
The most top tier thing about life for me at least is growing up as a person of West Indian descent in Brooklyn in the nineties.
Yeah, like that was a.
Vibe. Like the private school that we went to you was all black, It was a mix between American and Caribbean people. It was just such a vibe. I felt like I was really able to come into my own.
It became it became a global like cultural movement because from the nineties into two thousands, that's when the Sean Paul's and the Beanie Man's and the Elephant Man's took the world by storm and reggae became real mainstream. Remember from like the late nineties, Maya had the song with Beanie I'm trying to think about what was the first reggae song that went mainstream?
I think it was best collab, wasn't It wasn't best to me? What was Maya and Beanie Man's.
Take the Stars the Sky?
Four years that guys guys.
In this world? Then if I could be young girl, that was right? I don't know that was the first, but that was definitely a big one when I was in school.
I remember that was the.
First reggae song. I remember hearing on Hot ninety seven, okay, and then that song came and Simsimmer. That was was huge in nineteen ninety eight. So matter of fact, I think sim Simmer was first.
I love a white beamer to this day.
Oh because of sim Simmer. I thought you said, because I love that's why I love white man. I was about to be like, what what because you said that's why I love white And I was like, whereh she going?
No, no, no, you know it's a thing where Jamaican's guess what it is. You know what I'm saying. So that's always gonna be a vibe.
All right.
One thing that kills vibes bills. We gotta pay bills, all right, they're about to kill our vibe. We're gonna take a quick break and we're gonna come back. We're gonna jump into story time and talk about casual sex and marriage. Okay, don't get it twisted. We're gonna explain what that means when we're back. Stick around, y'all, all right,
and we're back. Yes, listen, okay, I will say as it relates to your story time, Yes, there is something to be said about like being with your husband away in a tropical place, you know where they are celebrating our really good friend's wedding. But the style cramper is like your kids in the bed hol you in the hotel with us. You know what I'm saying. So we're like, you know what, We'll tough it out for two days.
Were there for Tuesday to Thursday, so for three days, we're gonna tough it out until we get back home. So being in that environment and wanting my man the way I want my man, well, actually we did have a moment that was very casual of us. We had How did I forget about that?
But that's what sparked you to send me the things on the plane.
I think that's what it was.
So let me let me go back.
I'm gonna let y'all into like a this would be the only fans version of the past for y'allay. So it is the night of the wedding, right, and at that point we had been out dancing all night. Y'all saw the footage. Probably check my fan page because they probably got all my stories on there dancing having a grand on time at the wedding. Right, So Cairo was dancing on the dance floor, he was knocked out in sleep sleep, So Deval and I put them in the
bed and whatnot. And then we're just chilling on the balcony on and you know, one thing leads to another. And at that point we're on like the fifth floor, so we're pretty high up.
They ain't know one thing leads to another. It's we're on the fifth floor, is high up. We can see it's it's dark out there. Nobody can really because we can't see.
No, yeah, hope, we hope nobody can see us. But we're on the balcony.
Ye, all the world is sleeping. Blowout.
I'm like, yo, you ain't then you ain't never want to have sex on the balcony Macony.
She's like people, I was like, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.
This is where I talk about like the casual sex because if if it's your wife, right, we have these conversations.
You know, we're gonna cuddle you know, can we cuddle me up beforehand? Can we? And it's like we can do all of these things.
Yes, I get it, I get it, but that should be whacked to me sometimes, Like I'm being honest, Like I love cuddling and I love doing all of that stuff because I know that you need it.
But sometimes I want.
It to just be like ah and not not spontaneous, spontaneous, but not a quickie because we'll do spontaneous like YoY, we only got seven minutes left before the kids come home. Yeah, so we'll do that, but that's also like a let me get mine real fast. No, I want to have
casual sex, not casual quikies. Right, casual sex where I'm trying to prove to you that I'm the man that you need me to be, and I want you to prove to me right, you know what I'm saying, And have the type of sex when you you know, when you don't know each.
Other really right sore phase. Yes, the dating phase.
It is getting back to dating phase, trying to gain title of boyfriend and girlfriend. Yes, you're really feeling this person. That's where all of the sparks, like we talked about, like bottling up that newness in the relationship, in the sexual journey that is marriage. So yeah, we both have had those moments, and I more recently we spoke about
removing my IUD devaliating his vasectomy. That those two major things eliminating so much of what used to bother us or used to just interestrate with our sex life and our drives and whatnot. So I have now begind And it could because I'm on the fourth floor now, because I've heard once you get there, you know, you get there, So it could be a combination of those things. But saying that to say, that's something that I kind of
require now too. And to your point, there are moments where I'm like, you know, babe, I want you to see me and feel me, and we do all the theatrics of the foreplay, but sometimes the cure style Bontoni Son got that work.
The reason why I felt like that too was because your parents live with us right this. Sometimes I want to have casual sex right there in the family room, And every time I go, I'm like, yo, yo, come on, just come on, come give me some happy quick.
She'd be like She's like, no, no, no, what My dad he walks real slow, He's like a.
Go and I'm like it floats around the house, y'all. He pops up. He's scared this shit out of me. The other day when I was over here just packing, cleaning up the room or whatever, and I turned around and my dad was literally standing there looking at me like a creep, and I'm like what and he's like, oh, nothing, I was just checking to see if you want me to take out some meat for dinner.
I'm like, okay, I'm meat and give it to your daughter right now, sir. You messing up my vibes all right.
Like we literally have to be like, yeah, we are conscious of it.
And if it's not your parents, it's a kid, so.
We don't we don't get a chance to have like casual sex ever, like it's it's always planned. It has to be like I wanted it to be casual sex because married couples don't ever get a chance to have casual sex, especially if you have kids. For example, if I look at my wife and she looks hot right now, right, I can't just say, yo, let's go in the back end. No, I got to be like, what time you got to get so and so, who is there? Who is in the house? Okay, Then by the time we get to
the end of the night, she tired. So now I'm just like, fuck, how do I how do I ease her back into the idea of having sex? And then it's like, what hoops do I gotta jump through? Okay, let me give her a massage, let me rub her back. At this point, it's not casual no more. And I'm not really enjoying it that much, right you know what I'm saying.
It's the work that has to go into it when we just want those effortless moments. It was hilarious other day. I think Matt came by, and Matt, you know, Matt's family. So Matt came by and I think he noticed that, like some car was missing, and he didn't know who exactly was home. And he's like, valecaty might be home by themselves, and if they are, who knows what might be going down if I walk through this door right now.
So it's like, announce yourself, sir, because he had the right idea, Let me announce myself so that I'm not working your doorbell.
And the thing is that annoyed the ship out of me. I'm like, who the fuck ringing the doorbell in the middle of the day. They know we are just like, whoever's here knows that we here. So then I'm like, Matt, why the camera the door?
Bet Matt. He's just like, look, man, I ain't see these cars. The kids is at school. I know how y'all do? Do you know what I'm saying? I was like, I.
Appreciate that, bro, Yeah, appreciate that.
But for real, though, like people don't realize how monotonous sex can become, even in your marriage, even when you try to.
Be deliverate, deliverate, deliberate, deliver it would be.
Trying to want you to deliver it. Yes, I want you to deliver it, and I'd be wanting to do that.
I be wanting to deliver it, but there'd be so much things going on.
And I'm gonna say this, two women don't understand how much goes in our mind when we getting ready to have sex.
Right, Like we were talking beforehand, Josh was like his wife was just like, do you see me?
And he was like she wants to feel seen too, right, But he's just like, you don't see y'all.
Is clearly I see you, and you asking me if I see you? It's messing up the mojo right now, So.
You should see that.
I see you, don't see me seeing you, both of us see you.
He looking right at you with the one eye, right, he the one eye looking right at you, like, come on, what we're trying to do. And that's that's what I'm talking about with casual sex. That that sex was just like John fuck and you like yeah, and then there's no, there's no let's talk about for a play like me, get in my phone and make sure not it.
Is grab the collar, dragging the back of the room and I got we're seeing.
That the footage of the lions and stuff like that. That's what you mean. Do they like each other? They're fighting? Oh, they're not. They're not fighting.
They fighting they're fighting for love. That's how when we have casual sex.
You know, have you noticed how to do this? We have casual sex. We have casual sex.
Right when I'm finished, I'm not getting the towel, Nope, because if I just met you, I'm not getting the towel this casual sex. Baby, I'm just rolling over, going to sleep. Whatever happens on that side of the bed happened on that side of the bed already. You figure it out, Which.
Is fine because sometimes I don't feel like being cuddled either. I'm hot anyway. I'm hot anyway, So back up.
What KA gonna do is right, We're gonna be finished. She's gonna look down there. She's gonna be like.
This, if this can dry up on its own, I'm going to sleep. But she's like, if this might cause some problems down there, then I see her stomp to.
The bathroom right.
Like that. Man, it really just all depends.
It really all you selfish too, because then you'll come back after wiping yourself up, won't come back with it.
She will go right on the side of the bed and go to sleep, and you know what, don't touch me anyway.
I'm good like That's that to me is what keeps our sex life like on fire, because it's like yo sometimes and it's gonna sound crazy to people, but once again, I'm not. I'm not asking you how to affirm my marriage. I don't want to care about you. Sometimes I just want to split you in half and show you like this is why you marry me I completely.
Sometimes the reminder is very valid and needed in that moment, you know what I'm saying, because as a woman, sometimes I want to be you know handled a little bit, you know what I'm saying, so it really works out. I saw a video on Instagram of a couple and the pov was just like when you both are trying to act normal after you just like pretty much had a session and you walk in and you have to
return to life and return to the kids. I'm like and I laugh because I'm like, that's deval nice so many times because falling into again the marriage rud of what sex is. There's the Okay, it's the end of the day, the kids have been taken care of, it's nighttime, we cleaned up the kitchen, everybody showered, and it's like, okay, here's the bed. Let's both turn down east side of
the bed and then get in the bed. And that's probably the worst way for us at least, and it may work for somebody else, but for us, that's the worst way to start a session.
I agree with you, though I'm not going to say it's the worst sex for everyone else. Right for me, I hate the minute I get in the bed and we both laying in the bed shoulder and shoulder.
I don't want to have sex no more, right, I don't like there has to be some sort of adventure, like like we've done this already, you know. And and to be honest, and then isn't as important when you get married as the actual idea of having sex with your wife, Like when you younger or you're single, you want to get a nut, like I'm looking for gettingnot I want that feeling. Right once you've got married, you get that feeling because we have sex consistently. Now it's
not just about the nuts. I can get a nut if I wanted a nut. It's about actually having that connection with a person. And that's to me, Oh my gosh, to be to be with you in any type of way and me giving it to you and you look back and you giving it to me, and we enjoying it and we without having to think about I hope I did enough for a play.
I hope I you know what I'm saying.
I hope she feels seen, you know, without you having to feel like, I hope we had sex enough days in a role you know, it's like, yeah, sometimes you need to have casual sex in the marriage where we're not thinking about each other.
I'm thinking about myself. You better think about yourself.
Absolutely, get what we need. But there's also like a performance aspect of it too, because it's like, as much as I want to get what I need from it, I need to make sure that he gets what I'm giving.
You know what?
That's that, To be honest, I think that's what the biggest thing is. Casual sex for a lot of people is about performance. When you get married, you stop performing because it's like, I got my person, I don't have to prove anything.
I can just get whatever I'm getting.
But no, if you're constantly trying to perform for your spouse, imagine what type of sex you have in If she come to bed and she's like, I'm about to really freak this niggle off something crazy, but he comes to you, I done have my ginkolobo.
You know what I'm saying, No and meet you shots.
And shit's getting brain and not exploding before you're supposed to. Because we got we got missing guys. We all got our tricks. You know some guys, I was in the hood or was You get a honey pack. You get a honey pack before you go to lay down with that one sick you want the corner store.
And it keeps you here.
You know what, I'm saying the honey peg tonic, sexy and the roots you go to health food stores, you know.
But that's the type of sex that makes a woman fall in love because he's not going it or not. That's the type of sex when guys with their friends, they'd be like, Yo, I'm going to shorty that I was after for the past couple and she said, now is the time I have to deliver that grade A. You know what I'm saying, because I'm not going to be the clown in her friends group chats that chat
bro jet. That type of sex is the sex that be missing when you get married, when you're and I think we just having this discussion really like brought it to a point. It's the performance because you perform now.
Absolutely man, you thought can say stayed on stage after tour, baby we brought her home.
Okay, ladies, this is this is a this is a married man talking right. And we had this conversation too. Like, I feel like a lot of the world is lost because single people listen to single people of the opposite sex and say, well, this is what they want.
Yeah, that guy single, he's telling you what he wants. He's single.
He don't know what he wants, because if he wanted to be with somebody, he would have found it and found that person. So you're listening to single people, listen to married people tell you how they keep the flames. As a man, I'm telling you when you perform right, that shit keeps me excited when you when I know that this ain't about the cuddles and when this is about oh, she really wants to show me that she
the baddest one. When it's the sex that part of me, Ladies, it's the sex that your side chick give you when she's trying to prove she's trying to be the main ship. Don't you hear this all the time, and you say this all the time. The best position for a woman to be heard that is the side chick position, because that's the woman that wants to constantly prove.
That's also that the person that most of most men I've heard, at least I don't know, go to for some sort of escapism, right, you know why because you only come with one.
Thing, and she's coming to do what perform?
Perform for me it's like wife perform Because as a husband, I put that pressure on myself to perform. I don't ever want. I don't ever want in our marriage ever. I don't care how old we are. You look at me and be like, Okay, that's it. Like you forgot about me, Like you didn't you didn't want to make sure that I got mine.
I don't think I could. I could honestly say, I don't think that was ever a case.
You know why, because my friends in my group chat. We be on each other, like keep your health up. Like a lot of us we work out and stuff, but we keep our bodies on point because we want our wives to look at us in that way. Where Yo, if your wife ain't looking at you like that, trust me, she looking at somebody like that. You know what I'm saying. So imagine you lose yourself in the looks department as a man. Right so now, stomach getting big, your hair
falling out. You can't perform as much as you did before because you don't care to try because you already got her. Then you're gonna be mad if she steps out. Nah, bro, that's your fault.
That is like, you have a.
Responsibility as a man to make sure that your wife knows Like I'm coming home to deliver grade A.
I don't how many kids we got.
I completely get it, and I love that that's happening in your group chat because I've actually been the one to shift the dialogue in some of my group chats or even just in one on one conversations with women who I know who are friends that are still married, and a lot of time, the narrative is us as women getting together and communing over how tired we are, how much we have on our plate, all the things that we have to do, which is very accurate and it's very I see them, and I see because I
know I'm living that, like there's a thousand things to be done on a toy day basis as a wife and mom. But I'm also the one now to introduce into those group chats and those discussions. But doesn't your husband deserve to have his wife? And I'm trying to change the narrative because I feel like, I feel like it's necessary for us as women to be honest, to finally be honest as wives and as moms about what it requires for us to sustain these marriages healthily with
our spouses. So the conversations have become now.
Wait, wait, just because you to go to have his wife in what way.
The way he wants to have his wife, or the way you feel your husband deserves to be treated based off of the life that he's able to provide for you. Like I recently became friends with someone that I met through another friend, and she's so refreshing to me. That's why I don't subscribe to the whole no new friends thing. Yeah, because at this point in life, I'm meeting people who are aligning with a lot of the things that I
have become. And I love conversations with her because we talk about how amazing our husbands are, how much they're doing for us, how much we want to go the extra miles, exchanging tips and tricks about like oh this worked for me, or I took him on a staycation or I had him do that. Like they're just little
things that we feel like are required. So it's changing the narrative within those women group chats and within those married women forums where we're not just complaining about all the things that we have on our plate, but just really saying, how can we refocus husband, how can we focus marriage and intimacy and what our husbands require based off of the life that we've provided for each other.
You know, it's important to have those conversations, and I think women tend to glaze over that it is important.
I'm glad you kind of brought that up because when we did the.
Podcast with Nice and Neat Okay, yes, and we talked about making a choice, and then them all three of those brothers, Jalan, Omar, and Duke, all married black women as well, all in shape, all make really good money, but all decided that they weren't going to do the same thing that other podcasts where young men did, was create a battle of the sexist and talk.
About the things that women weren't doing.
They decided to talk about what they can do as men to show up for each other, to be better spouses. And that's why when you put me on to them, I was like, damn, Like this is really a different perspective because now these are young men that I can talk to as well and be like, wait, that worked for you. What for example with Omar right and him changing his whole diet and this whole lifestyle right to
be part of Kansas to be what Candace needs. And now they had their child, they getting their sex life back in order. It's like, those are things that I think we as a society need more.
Enough of the blame game and enough of the salacious you know clips where podcasts are just pinning us against each other. Like, no, I think we have a responsibility as wives, for example, and I'll speak on our behalfs because we speak a lot about couples and relationships stuff. But I think at some point us women need to stand up and say, you know what, these are the things that we need to change. These are the things
that we can tap into a little bit more. And I discover that when I really had the conversation with you, and you were like, why do I always have to be the last one on the total pole? Why do I always have to be the one to understand where you're coming from or just understand that you have all
these things to get done. At what point can I raise my level on that list of things that you have where I am more of the priority, even if it's for a day or two out of the week, if it's for an hour out of the week, we prioritize and make time for the things that are important. And I've been taken for granted for a long time
you and the things that you require. So these are the conversations that I want to have now with women in those forum of women who are married or aspire to marriage, to say, you know what, no, you need to figure out a way to make sure that your husband is taken care of. I thin, because that's what he requires.
I think that's dope because in the past casual sex spoken about in marriages where a woman just says, you know, let's go have sex.
All your hear is I don't got time for it. I got so many other things to do.
I want I'm going to move for it, which is very valid too, because I've been there. I've been that woman that's just like now, it's not the time I have a kid hanging off of my breast, I'm in the middle of cooking dinner, like I have all the things going on. But we really have to be mindful of taking the time to say, this is what he.
Needs, and that's not just what he needs, what is he doing to help you be better to do that?
For example, I know for a fact, if my wife is exhausted at the end of the day, she's not gonna want to have casual sex.
She's gonna be tired. So you know what I do.
I make sure I pick up the slack in other ways, or I get people to help around the house. That's a responsibility as a man you have to do if you want your wife to freak off.
But also, I'm in the gym every single day. You know what I'm saying. It's bad enough you already tired.
Right then you look at a dude that you like, you don't even look the way I saw you attractively, you know what I'm saying. And we put a lot of onus on women to maintain themselves, but we don't put the same on this on dudes. If you a dude, then you want to have casual sex with your wife right and in the the middle of the day or at the end of the night, how about you present something to her that makes her go, I can't wait till fuckentic.
You know what I'm saying.
Why why don't you change your diet to eat better? Why don't you make sure your six pack is a little more six pack?
You know what I'm saying.
And here's the thing, even if you're not a six packed type of dude. I got friends who played in the NFL. Who husky, You can still be husky, but get your line up lined up, make sure your beard. You know, being with some colone like, you don't have to just lose yourself in your marriage because you like, I already got my woman. Nah, bro, be the best version of yourself to her so that she sees you randomly and you want to grab that colum and be like, yo, what's going on.
It's helpful. It's helpful when we're talking about the casual sex with the marriage. Same thing goes for women. I get it. I've been there, I've been postpartum, I've had all the kids and all that. But I made the effort and I made the choice to figure out how my body works. I'm learning my body. I made the necessary changes to be able to be who my husband met essentially. Yeah, and better. I feel like I'm a better version of that girl that you met when we were eighteen. Like, I'm a hold men.
Now I've gained ten pounds with every child. You eighteen pounds on all men.
Yeah, now you're.
Closer to one sixty one.
I fluctuate a bit, you know what I'm saying in the right places, But that's something that I'm interested in because when I look at my man and he's sexy, and I know I'm sexy for my man, it sparks something within me, that confidence where I'm just like, oh, I can be whoever he needs me to be in this casual sex moment within our marriage, you know, saying, all right, we have some quick facts and stats that
we can get into. According to web ind twenty five percent of American adults have sex weekly, sixteen percent have sex two to three times a week, seventeen have sex once a month, nineteen percent have sex two to three times per month, five percent have sex four or five times per week. So we're within the five percent percent. Yeah, and ten percent didn't have sex in the past year.
Oh, ten percent, apeak.
That's crazy that some people just aren't doing it, doing it and doing it well.
According to Tatistan twenty twenty one, people who were cohabitating and had sex the most frequently, with an average of one point six times per week. Married people had sex on average one point two times per week, while unpartnered people had sex and averages zero point three times a week. This is what's funny too. I'm glad we're talking about this why casual sex is so much better when you're single, you don't have sex. Is often when you don't have sex,
is often that anticipation when you do have sex. Because when I speak to my single friends, true, and I'm talking to them and I'm like, these are dudes, handsome dudes with money who live in places that are flooded with women Miami, La, New York. And I'm just like, yo, how often do you have sex? And he's like, man, I'll just try to get I try to get one a week. You know, you're trying to. It's like it's like trying to play whack them more with some of
these chicks, these young chicks you following. And I said, it's funny that you're laugh at me and talk about how as a married person we don't have sex, but I have sex four to five times a week, and you try to have it one time in a week.
And that's what it made me like.
And when they looked at me, it was like, wait a minute, y'all have sex that often? I said, yeah, he's like, I gotta get married. I said, see, that's that's the thing. You think that you're gonna get married, And that one girl is gonna provide you with all of that sex when before you are balancing five girls and only getting sex once a week. Then when you get married, you both get complacent, and then that sex becomes monotonous and then you don't even want.
To have sex with each other each other. Yeah, because you came from a space, So it's importance.
It isn't even which one's worse exactly. At least when you're married is with one person. Then you can trust that when you do have a session, that you can do all the things you want to do in your risk of like contracting something is.
Like, but imagine how amazing the sex can be when you trust somebody, When you open and you're attracted, you don't have no iud in I have a vasectomy. Now we're both attracted to each other and we can have that raw animalistic sex and not have no consequences. And what I mean consequences is like, Okay, you can get pregnant, you can have an STD. There's so many things you can happen if you have sex with someone randomly. But
that's an amazing feeling. And to me, that's why having casual sex within your marriage is important because it keeps your libido up right. And as it's keeping your libido up then we also have the intimate moments where Kadeen is just like, yo, can we just cuddle tonight? And can we We may just cuddle and roll into each other and have like a slow love making sessions.
Which is good for You're also great for that moment too, you know exactly.
The casual sex just keeps everything vibrant.
You know what's funny. I used to look at the I don't want to say burden of our everyday life, because it's not a burden. It's a blessing to have our four boys and our businesses and all the things that we're doing. But in that where I used to look at it as a burden or something that impeded my sex drive or just even my desire to want to do anything when it came to that at the end of the night because I was just so exhausted. Now I look at it as Okay, we have all
of these things. My escapism is you like to get away from the monotony of the truck and this one here and there, and you know, having to deal with emails and people and talking and texting and being social and my social battery just having to be on for
the public. You are my escape where I feel like, okay, now I'm craving those moments more where I want to be with you and in that, like you said, sometimes it's just sitting in our bed, laying together, listen to R and B singing at the top of our love Yeah, that eventually becomes a love making session, or it could just not be that, or it could be the sexual, you know, sex portion of it, but the casual sex
portion rather. But those moments for me now become a means of escapism from life, which I think is great.
I mean it's great, but it's also a fact, a scientific fact, oh is it? In a study that asks married people how satisfied they were in their marriage, researchers found that as sexual satisfaction increased, marital satisfaction also increased, which is a proven factor. You can't say to people sex is not that important in a marriage, or it shouldn't be a priority. Sex should be a priority, especially
if infidelity is a priority. If you don't want your partner to be with anybody else, how can you then say sex is not a priority. So I think more married people need to take heed to that and decide that, you know what, We're not going to let sex fall by the wayside because I got my partner. Yes, I am going to try to casually have sex with my partner to remind them the fun of sex.
You know what I'm saying, Yes, because it can be fun, baby, and trust and believe. All Right, we're gonna take a quick break and we're gonna move into listen letters after we get into some ads, so stick around. We'll be right back, y'all. All right, y'all, we're back time for my favorite part of the show, listener letters, because this is when we get to hear from you guys and see what you got going on in your lives and we can give you our two cents. Hey guys, this
is Sha Day writing from Cleveland. First, I would like to say I love you both. Kaddin, You're an inspiration to me and all husbands should be like you. Devo. Thank you relationship, real life relationship, girls and time. But it's so worth it. You guys have a beautiful family and I wish you all the best and many more blessings. Thank you, Shadday. I've been in a relationship for seven years, and my dilemma is he's a mama's boy. I'm thirty three years old and he will be thirty five in September.
I love this man so much, and he checks all the boxes of what I want in a man. We get along great. We always have good time together. We have and enjoy the same interests, and the sex is great. Capital letters for exclamation points.
Baby.
His only and biggest downfall is him being a mama's boy. We do not live together. He lives at home with her and I live at home with my mother because I'm in the process of buying my first home. He is financially unable to buy a home because of circumstances. She's very manipulative and overbearing. She has purposely done things to keep him busy so that he doesn't have time for me, and has asked him to do things right before our plans for the evening. She's very controlling and
wants to micromanage everything. I don't know if it's because he's the youngest of her three children, or because he had brain surgery, or because he had brain surgery, but he can seem to set boundaries when it comes to her he is a non confrontational person, and to avoid argument with her, he will do the things the way she wants to keep peace. We've gone out together and we speak to one another, but the mother and I won't have any conversation. She has told people she doesn't
like me, but never gives a valid reason. It's frustrating because I always feel like it's frustrating because I always feel like I'm finding an invisible battle of tugo war with her. She treats him as if he is her man and not her son. She won't seem to cut the umbilical cord and let him be a fully grown man without always adding her two cents. From my point of view, it doesn't seem like he's doing enough to
put her in her place. He says, once we move in together, things will be different, But I don't see how if he can't take the steps now to make a change. I know he has, I know he has to change the dynamic of the situation. But when he does speak up against her, she uses a guilt trip and is back to the same old vicious cycle. Should I leave him to his mother or hold on? Please give me some advice in this common situation. Thank you love you guys, man. I never want to be that mom.
I pray I never want to be that. As much as my boys love me, I never want. I would never let you that mom, I would never let you be there. I would never want to impede their life that way.
I would never I want them.
To be there for me and want to be around me, but never to a detriment of their own life.
I will say this though, she's a single mom, right she said, yeah, she's a single mom.
He lives with his mom.
Yes, okay, yes.
I've also seen this where there have been women who have their last child or that child that's been like theirs, and it's like, once this child goes, who do I have? Right? So subconsciously they do things to try to sabotage or promo the factors. But I've also seen women who says that a guy is a mama's boy, and it's not that he's a mama's boy, he just won't do everything you want him to do. And since his mom still tells him like yo, like that's not your wife yet,
like right now, it's he's a mama's boy. The truth of the matter is I can't really give them full I can't get for a full advice without hearing his side and the mom's side, right, because I want to understand.
Is he really a mama's boy?
You know what I'm saying, His mom's really tripping, right, you know?
Is mom being overbearing?
I mean, because the setup is that it's a set up for Mom is probably a little you know, overbearing because it's her last like you think about the last baby to leave the house, So when he leaves the house, then what happens? You know? Also, mom's having a very high standard for who they think their son should be with or who is deserving of their son, who is
probably like their crown jewel. You know. It could be that her whole life she had to be his mouthpiece and be overprotective of him because he had to have brain surgery as a kid. So there are a lot of factors in here that Mom might be warranted for how she feels. But at the same time, too, I think the only person that really can have a handle on this if it comes down to, like, you know, knowing there needs to be a mediation session, maybe it would be him. He has to step up and be
like Okay, mom, this is what it is. Maybe when they are living together to be a little different. They've been together some more privacy.
They've been together seven years, this is this is one thing I will sell and I will say, after I read that up to see how long they were together, I will retract a certain statement. You've been with somebody for seven years and you your mom and her don't talk. That's a you problem, bro. I can't put that on either one of the women. At some point you have to say, look, look, ma, this is my girlfriend. You
have to have a relationship with her. Because if we're going back to biblical times, the Biblical the Bible says once you find a wife, you find a good thing, and then your wife and you create your family. You are no longer a part of your nuclear family. So if that's going to be the thing, you have to be able to be the person in between your wife and your mom as the man you have to be.
You can't just say.
Figure that out, that's not how that works. Yeah yeah, and he needs to stand up, bro.
Yeah, but that's he wants to make her his wife.
I mean, they've been together seven years, she's purchasing the house, she didn't say that he was purchasing the house. She said because of circumstances. So my thing is does he feel I hold it to his mom because he still lives at the house. You know, these are things that she has to start looking at because she's thirty three. She's not getting any younger. You know what I'm saying?
Seven years and years, you know what you've been invested here. It's kind of like the same time frame we were together. Before I was like, all right, what are we going to do? We're gonna be together. We didn't have mother, but at.
Seven years we were twenty six. I had mother issues mama with your mom. But even with that, though you would have won. It was like your mom like, what this this thing that's going on? I have you being rude and you not speaking, and your mom was trying to hold her standard. Nobody was going to be good enough for her daughter, which I understand now and looking at us now, we met at eighteen, we were twenty
two and acting like we was grown. We weren't grown right, So your mom had every every right to be defensive and make sure she was protecting her daughter. But you are the one who got up and said mom, this is not this is who I want to be with. You know what I'm saying the same way if it was my parents, I would have had to be the one. So he got to step up at some especially if she's writing in she clearly feels a way about it.
If this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, my dude, you got to stand up and be like your mom.
Yeah, you know it is, mom, This is what it is.
Is what it is, This is what it is.
All right. Good luck to you guys as you venture off. I hope that good luck with the house hunt and all that good stuff. And hopefully you guys can figure out a way to get it together if it's meant to be, and.
I think that will change things then moving in together. But then they can also create a strain where the mom is always calling him back, come kind of.
Need you to do this and we've read that before. Absolutely, And then you know they'll find it.
If he doesn't nip it in the butt, it's always gonna be a problem whether they find a house or not. Right Number two, Hey, the Valen Kadeen, I truly need some advice, So I'm going to try to provide as much context as possible. Let me first say, I love your show. I've been listening to you guys for a minute. Now now to the matter at hand.
Thank you. Thank you so much for following us and listening. We appreciate your support.
I thirty year old male, and my fiancee, twenty eight year old female, have recently ended our relationship for three years. Our last conversation of trying to figure out what went wrong, my fiance mentioned that I had everything that I needed in her. However, I didn't have the things that However, I didn't have the things that I wanted. Some background, and I'll ever and I ever wanted all I ever wanted, some background, All I ever wanted was to be a good husband and a good father.
It's good to hear she mentioned that I had all I needed that being her. That being her and her two kids isn't me.
It's the comments she know. She mentioned that I had all I needed that.
Being her two kids, I got you things made.
Don't read like these young kids now. We actually used punctuation still.
So she's saying he had all he needed earned her two kids, rightfully, So I had everything I needed in them in my family. What I felt that I always still wanted, though, were the titles, the title of husband, the title of father. I would follow up by saying that I never looked for her kids to call me father slash dad. I never wanted to replace their biological father. I only wanted to just be there for those kids, because I do love them like their my very own.
What I was searching for was that acknowledgment from my significant other. Nevertheless, she was still right. I had everything I needed. My question for you, guys, are titles really important? Or was I just losing sight of my eighty while worrying about the other twenty. I proposed to her two years ago, but we agreed that we would get married after I got my finances together, and for the time
being I was. For the time being, I was doing, in my opinion, much better with finances and budgeting than I was not. Then we moved into our new home last year. This is what happens, only for it to not feel like home. Our differences in perspective just started constantly clashing with one another. I feel like what it came down to was that I felt like I wasn't being heard in our household as a partner. She felt that I lacked initiative. Several small problems led to big
problem that led us here today. Any advice ps. After listening to an episode of Dead Ass, I realized that I too have mother issues that I need to process. Well, there you go and heal from That's what it sounds like to me. He wants the titles and the affirmation from her because he wants that from his mom. That was when she was saying. When he kept saying, I want the titles and I wanted it from her, That's
what it sounded like to me. I feel like hearing Deval tell his experience of dealing with that truly helped me to begin to understand that I may be dealing with the same issues I am in the process of seeking someone to speak to in order to begin this healing journey. Thank you, guys for all the support you give to your listeners.
That's awesome. That is awesome that you are like so self aware to know like, Okay, yeah, I have some issues here and I need to go on the healing journey. So just because it was a little spotty in the beginning, you get sorry if you want to I just want to reread one portion of it. Our last conversation of trying to figure out what went wrong. My fiance mentioned that I had everything I needed in her, However I didn't have the things I wanted. So essentially, what he
saying is that he wants the title. He wanted to get married, to have the title of husband and.
Father right, And what she was saying is is like, we're not in a good place financially to get married, so focus on that. And he feels like he's I'm focused, I'm doing better, I'm doing better, and she's like, no, you're not ready yet, and he feels like he keep jumping through hoops and he never gets the affirmation from his wife or girlfriend soon to be wife that he wants.
Wow.
And I think there's two things to this.
Number one, looking for someone to affirm you is always a setup for failure because, like he said, that affirmation that you're seeking is not really what you're truly seeking. You have issues with your own issues, and you have those issues and you want your mom to affirm you. But now you're looking for someone else. What's going to happen is she's going to affirm him, and it's not going to change the way he feels, and it's going to be something else.
Say that void feeling is going to become kind of obsolete at that point because it's like you're not going to really get to the root of the issue, which is probably, like he says, and I'm glad that you
acknowledge it. It's your mom or whatever that lack of you know, relationship you have with her or what she didn't pour into you, that you're seeking validation within your relationship, And it could be your fiance seeing that also in you and saying, I know that there's something deeply rooty here that needs to be handled or addressed before we take that step to become a married couple, you know.
And also too, when you move in together and you become, you know, one within a household, that doesn't necessarily either make it a home when the heart of the home is absent because they are underlying issues, then it's only just going to be a house.
Also, there is very hard to blend a family, right, especially if the other members outside the family are still involved. For example, you meet a woman, she's beautiful, she has everything, she has a child, right, that child has a father, right, Oh, I love the child. Yeah, but that child has a father, so you can't be that child's father you. He opened up saying, I always wanted to be a dad and a husband.
Cool.
You wanted a wife and you wanted kids, but you found somebody with kids, so you want to assume or you want to take on the role of being a father figure to them kids.
Them kids is like I already got a dad. Bro Like, I'm not here for you. I'm here with my mom.
And I think it's difficult for people sometimes to compartmentalize, especially when it comes time to kids. Come down to kids, it's like, you're here for the partnership with that person. Those children are not yours, so you are not obligated to do anything for them. They also are not obligated to but anything to make you feel comfortable. Those are somebody else's kids. He's going to have to deal with that, and there's nothing she can say to make him feel comfortable.
He wants to be a father and a husband. You can't be a father to those kids because it seems like, based on when she said that those kids have a father figure who's already involved.
I mean, but he I do like and acknowledge that he feels like he does love them like they're his own and they just want that relationship, which is good because we've seen a lot of blended situations that are not.
But I will say this, we not together and you marry somebody else, right, Jake, my son's is not calling that guy dad or stepdad. Your name is Jake, right, Yes, that's Jake is my mother's husband. I have a dad and a father and I am adamant that because I don't foresee us ever. But if it were to ever happen, my kids are not calling another man dad, and and to be honest, my kids would be super respectful absolutely in that man's house.
Yep.
But my kids also not staying there. My kids are staying with me because I only trust me with my kids, and I think some people need you see what I'm saying. He doesn't have kids, or he doesn't know what it feels like to have your offspring with someone else, so he may feel like, oh, our house is a house, but it's not a home. Yeah, because them kids ain't running in the house saying hey Dad, you know what I'm saying.
You know what I'm saying, right, get it?
Get yeah, you got a compartmental lot.
Hey, and then once you go on your healing journey and you figure out what's going on and you get to rid of that, and then you finally get with you fiance and then you decide maybe y'all want to have children together, then you can have that family and that happily ever after that you were so seeking. So good luck to you, brother. I appreciate your.
It's unfair for people to come to the table. And I say people because I saw me and the other day on Instagram. You come to the table with a relationship, he said, I come with a child. You got to treat my child like it's yours. But then when that person says, hey, well i'm stepping into discipline as y like, well.
I don't need you for all that. No, no, no, no no, do not tell me.
You want me to step up as a parental figure to your child only when it's convenient, because now you're blurring the lines.
And there was a woman on there screaming at this man like you're not how father, You're not how father.
Don't say nothing to her, And he was just like, but y'all here staying in my house and I saw she was doing something disrespectful to you, and she's like, well she got a father to Doude that I don't need you.
That would have been the last day both of them was being in my house.
I'd be like, oh, for real, okay, so I can't discipline so and so okay, cool, this is the last set of discipline. Get y'all shit and get out, because you're not going to disrespect me in my house in front of your child.
And now that child one.
Think they can disrespect me in my house. And if I disrespect the child, then they go to get their father. And if I'm that child's father and you disrespect my kid in your house, I'm whooping your ass. And that's what I think a lot of people need to realize. When you are getting involved with people who have kids, there's a dynamic that you may not.
Be ready for.
That's a fact.
And until you ready for that, don't get into it.
Don't do it. Just don't do it. All right, Good luck to you, bro, And if you guys want to be featured as one of our listening letters, email us at dead Ass Advice at gmail dot com. We'd love to hear from you.
That's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
All right now, moment of truth time. We're talking casual sex within a marriage. Don't get it twisted. Mine is a fairly simple baby. Let me hear it every now and again. You just gotta bust a wide open for your man, okay. And why and when you think it's wide, go wider. And when you think you wider, wider. I'm about to take some stretch classes, y'all, to get my flexibility back. Like I said, I've been working on my body,
you know what I'm saying. So working on all the things so that when we have our casual sex moments within the relationship here, I like, I can give you what you need and in turn you give me what I need and that gives us what we need collectively to move forward with our day. And I love that
for us. I love where we are with this. You guys have literally seen this progress over the course of fifteen seasons, okay, because if you listen to one of our podcast episodes talking about sex early on, where there was.
Season one, two or three trying to figure it out.
We were trying to figure it out We've literally figured out the journey of our life together as a married couple, having sex within this marriage, and what that looks like for us, and the struggles and the ups and the downs. But I'm happy to announce, as if y'all care. I don't know if y'all do. I'm happy to announce that we're in a great space.
We're in a great space. I have nothing to complain about. I get taken care of her, focus on taking care of you. My moment of truth is the same as yours. You know what I'm saying. Gentlemen, we ask them to bust it open. Sometimes you gotta just get deep. And when you think you've gone deep, you gotta go deeper. And when you think you're going as deep as you can go, you gotta go deeper.
Y'all.
Like to be honest, you gotta remember, Oh my god, you gotta remember when you was trying to drop that grade A to prove to her that she should mess with no other dude. Every dude has that moment. But it's like, y'all gonna make sure she don't mess with nobody else. I think it's imperative that you continue to do that. Five ten fifteen twenty years into the marriage, and don't lose sight of the fact that that woman wants to be split in half once in a while, Like does she need that?
She need that?
Reminded, gentleman, So yo, casually fuck your wife consistently.
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