Yo, if your spouse constantly chooses her or his family over yours, that doesn't mean they're doing it on purpose.
Hmmm, I think that's fair to say. And dead ass.
Once you get married, your spouse's family is dead ass your family.
See, I got to figure out a way to make it work.
Dead ass.
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout, and we're the Ellis's.
You may know us from posting funny videos with.
Our boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therpy.
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
And one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Yes, sir, we are.
We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics.
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day.
So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
We about to take bilotof to our whole new level.
Dead ass starts right now.
There are actually a number of stories that I could choose from.
Oh yeah, when it comes to my family, your family, for sure.
But I'm going to I'm going to speak on one time, in particular my birthday. This is in twenty twenty one, I believe twenty twenty one. It was my birthday and Kadeen was planning a surprise trip for me to go to Jamaica. This was right after COVID and they finally opened things back up, and she was making plans, calling everybody's family, calling brothers and sisters and speaking and speaking
and doing everything. And at the same time, I happen to call my mom because we were just getting over COVID, and I was just like, yeah, we just you know, we just found out the boys COVID. I don't think we're going to be able to go to Jamaica. And my mom said, who's going to Jamaica? And I was like, well, we were all going for my birthday. You didn't know
and she was like, no, nobody called me and told me. So. At first, I was like, Okay, well, maybe they didn't get around to it yet, or maybe Kay had made any decisions yet about who she was gonna tell. So I asked Kay, I said, Kay, my mom doesn't know about Jamaica. And Kay goes, how how does she not know about Jamaica. I said, I just spoke to on the phone. She didn't know about it, and she sounded
a little disappointed she didn't know. KY said, well, I told your dad, and I spoke to your brother, assuming that my pops and my brother was going to tell my mom. My mother was upset because she didn't get a personal invite. Now, initially I was upset because I was like, hey, how do you invite everybody to Jamaica and not tell the person who birthed me and it's my birthday. But then she had a very clear point. She said, when I tell something to my brother, my
sister finds out. When my sister finds out, my father knows, and then the whole family knows. I figured that if I just told one person in your household, everybody would know. And I had to actually sit back for a minute and be like, man, that's actually a really good point.
Beef for karaoke in the spirit of family.
Yes, I mean, what's the first song that comes to mind when you think of family.
Well, there's two different songs because of your culture, and I think for one family song, we already sang this song. But for our song, especially the country the South, we automatically think of we are family.
I got all my sisters and me, we are family.
Get up, everybody, you.
Say, because we already did family.
Lay la la la la lay lay lay Lee. I think so, and we also did family.
We say family. We love the family, them to my aunts.
All right, So we're gonna take a quick break, but we're gonna dive into this topic because Kadeena and I have talked since season one about her culture versus my culture, West Indian culture versus Southern Baptist culture and families, but also communications. And we've also realized over the last twenty one years that our families moved differently, and because our
families moved differently, sometimes things are communicated differently. And rather than take it personal and be like you did this on purpose, let's figure out how we can navigate this whole thing.
Yeah, communication doesn't just begin and end with the married couple.
Facts for sure.
So stick around, Let's go pay some bills and we'll be back. All right, we're bat y'all, and we figured.
This was like an appropriate time to kind of talk about this.
I know that we're like in season twelve, rocking and rolling and we spoke a lot about family issues, like you said, culture clashing, things like that, but it's still an ongoing conversation to this day with Deval and I, and I think that a lot of couples probably experienced similar things. And I look at my sister who's looking to be married soon and you know, trying to help
her and her fiancee navigate like things. We're kind of hoping that this gives people kind of the cliff Notes version of how to problem solve within their relationship so that y'all won't have to take you the long road that we took twenty one years in and still be talking about the same stuff over and over again.
And that's that's how we actually came up with this topic for you guys. Because it is twenty one years now officially, Padina and I have been married thirteen. We've been best friends before that for eight years and two days ago. Right, we had to have a discussion about communication.
Right when it came to ours, when it comes.
To our extended family, well, our immediate families separately, but extended family collectively now, so her brother and sister, my brother and sister, her mom and dad, my mom and dad.
Exactly what the holiday is quickly approaching. I think it's time when splitting family time becomes hardest, right, because we're trying to decide whose house we're going to for what. We grew up sharing holiday traditions with both of our parents and our siblings, and a lot of times we want to still share those traditions with our children, but also including our families. So what do we do when we both want the same thing.
And how do we compromise?
So we're hoping if we talk through this and give some examples of things that happen with.
Us, it will be able to help you guys.
Well, let's let's give them some context, a little bit of context of how our families work.
So did you want to go back to the storytime first and we can kind of talk a little bit about that.
I mean, yeah, we can go back to storytelling and kind of dissect what exactly happens. So you give your perspective of what happened and how it was received by me, so y'all can see how things look got lost in translation.
Right, So that particular year, like you said, it was twenty twenty, I think COVID was or twenty twenty one, COVID was kind of still going, but it was slowing down a bit. People were trying to figure out ways to still travel within the guidelines and parameters for traveling with COVID. So knowing that your birthday one thing about Diva's birthday. Every single year, I'll have a plan for something super grand and then we can't do it because he either has a big audition.
He has work.
Good blessing.
It's great blessings for sure, for sure, but I really felt badly that I'm like, oh my god, every single year, you know, something happens and we can't celebrate Davo's birthday.
Well, we have to explain a little bit why my birthday falls in April. If you're in the TV film industry, you know around February is pilot season. Pilot season happens February through March. At the end of March is when everyone gears up to go back to filming, so they actually start filming around April. And this year was no different. I was in Canada for my birthday.
Absolutely.
The year before that, I was filming Sisters, a year before that, I was filming Bigger. It was like every single year there's always something in April. So that's why my birthday always gets kind of.
Jackable, always gets messed up.
So then I feel like it usually falls back on me, like damn, kay, Like why couldn't you find a way to do XYZ for Devo's birthday. So this particular year, I said, I know he wasn't going to be filming, Jamaica was open, and I'm like, this is perfect. It's one of his favorite places to go. It's one of our places to go together. I had a thirty fifth birthday with like thirty five of my closest friends and family, including your family, and it was an amazing time. So
I tried to plan something like that. So when I initially spoke to Devo's dad about the trip, he said to me, Man, I don't know if that's going to be a good time because your sister was pregnant at the time, and she was due at the end of March, yes or around that time, and she had a high risk pregnancy.
I know she was having some difficulties.
So he was like, I don't know if Ma's going to even want to leave her and go away for a week, seeing as though the baby may come at any point, so I said, okay, cool. So in that conversation with his dad, I assumed that maybe he even mentioned it to her because it was a possibility.
And I want you to remember everything from her perspective because I want you to see what she went through, but I want you to hear how it was presented to me.
So I just assumed at that point maybe his dad would have mentioned it to her, or maybe it wasn't even worth mentioning it to his mom because it made total sense. I'm like, if it was me and it was my daughter, I probably wouldn't be thinking about going on a trip. If anything can happen at any time, absolutely, so I just kind of let it rock. I remember telling his brother about it as well too, and then his brother saying that that wasn't a good time either
because he was going to be working. They didn't have the same spring break as we did, so I kind of just moved on with the plans. My brother and sister were able to make it, and then my parents, because they live with us and they retired, typically travel with us for help. So in addition to my immediate family coming, Devalo's family not being able to make it I then said, damn, I didn't want it to just
be my family. So I was trying to think of other friends or people that are close to the val So I had reached out to his best friend Balal, his castmates Chino and Brian. I was looking at hotels nearby that they could stay at, and that's how I was planning out the trip for his birthday. But of course a big piece would have been missing his parents. But to me, in that moment, I felt like the presidents for them, or what took precedence was his sister,
you know, almost having a baby. So I didn't follow up any further, and in retrospect, I could have reached out to his mom directly as well too, just says the woman of the house.
Who may be making her own plans.
You know, she might have found a way to finagel coming out there for a couple of days and then going back. I didn't give her the option, and that was the problem.
Right So hear now hearing everything that Kadean went through to try to make the plans, I remember, it's a surprise to me, so I have no idea what's happening. The kids get COVID, we go to check for COVID. The first thing k says is I had plans to take you to Jamaica. Yeah, and now we won't be able to go because the kids have And I was like, dang,
So I called my parents. We had just came back from New York visiting my parents because Kadeen and I had just spoke on the Breakfast Club and when I first came back, my parents knew that the kids were sick. So I called them to tell him like, yeah, you know, the kids are sick and unfortunately we won't be able to go to Jamaica. I assumed that Kadeen had included everybody, so when I said that, my mom goes, who's going
to Jamaica? And I said, well, we're all going for my birthday and she said, oh, oh, well that's nice. And I was like, were you supposed to be going too, and she said she didn't hear it. I could hear the disappointment in her voice. So then I immediately got on the phone where we were at the urgent Cargina. I said, yo, you didn't call my mom about Jamaica and she was just like, no, I spoke to your dad and my first thing was, did you how why would you not call my mom? Like you didn't even
give her the option or the choice. So I said, so, who's supposed to be going to Jamaica? So when she went over the list of people and it was all of her family and a couple of my friends, and I was like, well, if my family couldn't make it on that day of that week, why wouldn't we adjust it to make it so that my family could be there? Like I think my family should be there for my birthday. And Kadeen was like, you know, I really didn't think
about adjusting it for anybody. I just these are the days that we had based on what we were doing, and I was going to see who could make it. So at first I was pissed, like I was upset. I felt like this isn't fair. I said, you navigated everything to make sure all your family could make it, but since my family can't make it, they just get disposed of. And Kadeen was like, that's not really how it went down. Like the kids have spring break on this week. I want the kids to be included. So
this is how it is. And after we spoke at nauseum for hours, we were able to kind of realize what had happened, because when you think about it, I was presented with my mom don't know we're going to Jamaica. So I'm upset already. I'm on a thousand.
It was the way you were thrown into it.
That was the way I was thrown into it. Plus the kids having it was just like it was a lot.
It was a lot going on.
And then to me, I was just like, why do you have to phrase it as Oh, you made sure that your family were able to make it within these dates, but.
You didn't make sure my family wasn't.
And I was like, bro, these were the dates based on our immediate family, meaning me, you, and the boys, because this is when they have spring break, this is when your birthday. Felt I can't move your birthday. Your birthday is your birthday. So if these are the dates and my family is able to adjust their schedule to make it happen and yours can't adjust, then that, to me.
Was it my fault.
You know, my family has a little bit more flexibility within their career fields than yours does, so it was never any malice intended. And when I did realize too, that damn a bunch of DeVos core people wouldn't be able to make it. I made sure to be like, Okay, listen, friends, please try to come through for the val so he can at least have some of his people there because he's gonna want to celebrate with his people, right.
And we did come to an understanding, but to me, it still felt like if my family couldn't be hitting, that trip shouldn't have been happening at that moment. Then That's that's how I felt at the moment. I was like, if my parents, my brother, and my sister can't come, then it shouldn't be a birthday trip for Deval. Let's take the kids on spring break and do something, but let's do something on my birthday when my family can
be there. And I feel like that is where the communication had to come in because if it were me and me and Kadeen say this all the time, you do things differently don't mean is done right. It just means that you do things differently. It don't mean that I do things right. It just means that I do things differently. In my perspective, I felt like if it was December, matter of fact, and the kids were going on break, but your parents couldn't make it to a
birthday celebration that I was doing for you. I just wouldn't have did it, you see what I'm saying, Like I'd have been like, well, you know what, I'm gonna have to find the time to make sure Kadeen's family is going to be involved. But if we have a break for the kids, were gonna do something with the kids. But I'm gonna find a way to include your family as well. And I don't plan trips. That's not what
I do. Like, that's Kadeen's wheelhouse, So for me to tell her how to do she's been doing was a little unfair because you don't want who handles all of the you know, handle all of these logistics, the logistics to finding details and exact people. But for me, I just felt like saying, well, his parents can't make it his birthday celebration, Oh well, I felt like that was a little bit like fucked up.
But you know what I'm saying, I can I totally get your perspective on that. However, I know I was dealing with the brunt of hearing you say, damn every year for my birthday, I should get fucked up. I can't do anything for my birthday. Every year we have something planned for my birthday, something pops up. But I heard that for like the four consecutive leaders before that. So my main purpose in life at that point was to get Devlot out of the country for his birthday.
Regardless of what that looked like. I just wanted that to be the plan, and I just felt like the more the mirror. At that point, I had already told certain people about the trip. So instead of me canceling everybody else's plans because they move their plans around too, I'm like, whoever can come, can come, who can't can't, and then we'll have to celebrate with your family in a later date. But in that moment, I wasn't even
thinking about the families. Was thinking about you and how you would be disappointed if we didn't have a plan for your birthday.
So I know you were thinking about me, but you was also thinking about you having to hear my voice if we did nothing. But my thing is we didn't have to do nothing. We could have went to Jamaica with our kids. My thing is, if my family can't come to an event, then it shouldn't just be the event still happens without his family. The event should only
happen when both families should be there. And I think that was that was the miscommunication because then a year later, when we were going, we were planning to go away for the holidays, you were like, well, I want to go away with my mom for her birthday and it was around the holidays, and I was like cool. So I was like, let me invite my parents, and you was just like, well, I just want to do something
with my immediate family. So I said cool, and you were like the kids And I was like, well, the kids won't be going because the kids are going to be with me, and you were like, well, I want the kids to be with us for my mom's celebration. And I'm like yeah, and me included. But I'm like yeah, but you can't just take all my kids away from the house, away from my family because your family wants to do something. And I think a lot of times when it comes to families, you have traditions. My family
has traditions. Your families have ways to do things. My families have ways to do things. For example, if everybody can't be included for an event in my family, that event is just not happening, and your family it's more like, okay, if you can't well it can't go. You can't go.
Because I like, for example, my parents, my brother, and my sister. If it was the other way around with Jamaica, for example, they'd have been like, oh no, like, don't cancel the plans, Like you got to make sure y'all go and celebrate, so go ahead, And they wouldn't feel the kind of way the would just be like, go ahead, we can't make it, don't cancel the trip on our cord. Still make it happen. So it's again a difference of how people deal with it.
And I think that's what people need to start realizing. When someone does something to you, it's not with malice. It's just this is the way my family has been doing things. Your family has been doing things this way. That doesn't mean that you're doing it on purpose to alienate my family did not include my family, but it's like, this is the way we do things. And the way you can get through those situations is by constantly having conversations, Oh.
Yeah, we have definitely a couple tips here.
Well, we had tips that tripple came up for splitting holidays specifically, because I think that's typically when a lot of people have riffs, you know, when it's like major holidays and people are off and it's.
Like who's gonna do what We're it's not just how itday can also be because because it's also remember our parents live six blocks away from each other.
M h.
My parents felt like every time Kadeen goes to drop the kids off, she would drop the kids to her family. And I had to say to my parents, well, Kadeen is going to drop the kids off to whoever's the most she's the most comfortable, if it's the last minute. She doesn't mind inconveniencing her parents the same way I don't mind inconveniencing my parents. But when she has the kids,
she's gonna go with her parents. Also, her parents ask for the kids all the time, all the time, And I asked my dad, I said, well, why don't y'all asked for the kids? And my dad said to me, your mom doesn't want to be overbearing. My mom had to deal with an overbearing mother in law, so she purposely removed herself and said, I'm going to allow them
to do things when they're comfortable. I said, I get that school, but you can't say you're going to allow me to do things when I'm comfortable, but then get upset because you guys aren't chosen. And then that made me realize, like, dang, it's not just a communication with me and my wife. I also have to continuously communicate to my parents that this is the way my wife moves. So it's not just the one way communication with one
partner or the holidays. This was simple, as simple as dropping the kids, had an audition or you had a makeup to toil to do.
I think it's fair to say that anybody is okay with in that last minute moment inconveniencing the person they know best. Yes, So whether it was my sister, my father, mama, or whoever I knew, has flexibility. Right. So with my dad being retired, I know I'm going to have a better chance of dropping the kids over to him and not ruffling any feathers in his day versus trying to drop him over to your dad who works from home during the day so the kids would be a disruption
to him. So I think in moments like that, a lot of it was taken as a you know, your family does this versus my family does this, or my family does more than your family because they're always doing this for the kids in yours don't. Yeah, I think we really had to work through that because you were looking at your mom's sideways, and I was too at some points like them, like she really don't be caring to have these kids ever.
I looked at everybody sideways. I looked at my mom sideways. I looked at your mom sideways. I looked at you sideways, I looked at my post sideways. The only person I didn't look at sideways was was your father?
Really?
How come?
Because your father's the most easy going in person. Right, I'll give you a trule. He is name. One time your father has complained about anything.
That's father name.
One time.
That's a fact.
Okay, So my mom will complains. My mom will complain that the kids number one won't don't call her house school and on this house is just school house, right. But then when the kids go over there, she'd be upstairs right right. So my mom will complain, and then she'll complain that we don't bring the kids over. But my mom's always working, Like my mom works six days a week and sometimes on Sundays. So the last person that we're thinking is going to want to watch kids.
It's my mom that is accurate.
My pops works from home, and he complains that, you know, your mother ain't see the kids. So I'm like, you complaining to me that she ain't see the mommy ain't home.
You remember that one time, I think it was Christmas Eve or the day before Christmas Eve, we took the boys over by the house and your mother looked so exasperated that we had call them there because they were running around and stuff. She was trying to straighten up for Christmas. And I was kind of like, maybe we should go because it seems like your mom is a little annoyed.
And I got there, I said, yo, let's go to Brian's house because one thing I don't like is an exasperated wife or mom. I grew up in the house with exasperated mom, right, I grew up. I'm in a house right now with an exasperated wife. When they mom, we just had Kyrol's birthday. K seemed exasperated. Your mom seemed exasperated. Women be exasperated, right, So when I get in a space where people seem exasperated, I just take my kids and leave. But that's my point is like
your mom always has something to say. My mom always has something to say, My dad always has something to say. Your father is the only one who just be like whatever.
Whatever you need, however you need me, just let me know.
And I think it's important for people to understand that your family isn't the only family going through this, especially when kids get involved. Right. Your mom loves being around the kids. Every time we go to take the kids somewhere, and she said, who said I need a break? But it's like mine yesterday you were exasperating, tired and dropping the kids off of the room and leave it. So you didn't say you need a break, but you needed a break. My mom never admits that it's a bad time.
But then when you take the kids with this, sometimes she looks like she's just like damn, like right now. So it's like everybody who's listening. If your family's going through issues with who's going to watch the kids, who's going to what event, that's not just your family. Yes, everybody's family goes through that. And it all starts with how you communicate. Everything boils down to how you communicate with your parents first and then with your spouse.
Remember, for a while you said you didn't think I felt comfortable speaking to your family or asking them, you know, to watch the kids or to be involved in whatever's capacity. And you were like, why won't you just like call my mom and dad directly, And I'm like, I just was more comfortable calling mind directly because they were my family, you know, when we were back home, and like I said, if I'm gonna last when it inconvenience somebody, it's going
to be my family. But then you were like, no, you need to be able to also just call my family and ask. Like they're not going to offer, so you have to call and ask. So I said, say less. So now I got a group chat with your brother, sister, your mother, your father, and your sister, so everybody is in the loop. There's some group chats that I put Deval in just to loop him in so he knows I did communicate x y Z to said family member.
Because I ain't trying to hear.
Oh you did this versus my family, and when it comes to your family, you do this, but when mine, I hate that, Like I hate that because I feel like we've been together long enough where both families are just family regardless.
I don't look at it as yours versus mine thing.
That, But I also hate my family not healing stuff, so you cat it. But you also got to remember, you don't speak to my brother and sister as much as you speak to your brother and sister. And my brother and sister have kids, so my brother and sister can't just run and come to everything. Your brother and sister can run and come to everything because they don't have kids exactly. So the same way you don't want to hear is always your family, not my family. I
don't want to hear. Well, my family supports because they can. My brother coaches football, my sister is everybody doing, but but there's certain that they can't just leave in two days and going to Atlanta, exact what I'm saying. So even that, ladies and gentlemen, you got to speak to parents, You got to speak to your spouse. But then if you have brothers and sisters, you also have to speak
to both of them. Because there are times too when my brother and my sister's just like, YO, how come we didn't get invited to so and so and I'd be like, well, we didn't invite anybody. Cay's brother and sister asked if they can come, so they came, They bought their ticket. They came like we didn't ask anybody to come. Whoever wants to support can support. But then the outside people looking in will be like damn. They went and I didn't go exactly, and once again, nothing
was done maliciously. But they asked, you didn't I didn't invite they came.
They inquire all the time. Y'all don't like.
It just and it's just a different family things.
People move.
You're my brother and sister be looking at me funny. Then your brother and sister be looking at you funny, Like wait a minute, how come they not here? We the only ones here? Are we being overbearing? So I remember at one point Sakari was just like, are we bothering y'all? Like we always here? And I'm just like no, And then they're like, but we don't. We're the ones
who always hear. I said yeah, because y'all want to come, right, They want to come too, but they got to work here and they don't work from home, so they can't come.
Like it's nothing malicious, But I need people to realize how the different family dynamics can be taken away because I grew up in the family not going to say no names where there wasn't, in an uncle who felt like they were ostracized from the rest of the family for certain reasons, and one of the main reasons was a certain aunt in an uncle passed them up to take the kids to another aunt and uncle and it was like, well, why'd you pass our house to take
them there when you could have just took them here? And it was like, well, that uncle always asked for them, so we took them there, and it was just like, oh, so you don't mess with us. And it's like it doesn't have to be the like, why does it have to be a yours versus mind? Why can't we just discuss why we did that, have an understanding, and then everybody moved collectively to compromise. And it always ends with kids,
kids and holidays. It's problem taking a baby somewhere or going to somebody's house on the holiday, right, and it's not an easy conversation to have. And as you can hear now, even when we're having the conversations, it's still like, yeah, but I need it this way. Yeah, but I like it that way. It's never gonna stop, it's.
Never going to think about it.
We're two people within a relationship, right as a spouse, married couple. Then you're trying to include the feelings of two other people, like said.
Mother and father.
So then now you have six people emotions you're trying to manage through communication.
And then if you have the extended.
Brothers, or if you have the aunts and uncles who.
Are uncles too, who will be like, how come we don't ever get the boys?
How come we don't do And I'm just like they hear. And when you have four kids, you're not always like wanting to call somebody and be like, here, take all four of these kids at one time.
We know that that can be a lot.
We live it every single day, so we're not always going to be the ones to try to inconvenience people and say, hey, can you take all four children at one time? It's a lot to deal with. It is, and we're cognizant of that. It's really cognizant of that. You want to helper at us never gonna say no.
Because there's another thing that we're cognizant of it's hard to pick up four kids and take them somewhere. So when you keep asking us, how can we ain't seen the kids because we don't want to get our big selves up, pack up three kids and a toddler, put them in the car and drive anywhere.
Period when we.
Got time to ourselves, you don't. We want to do nothing. It's still that's it. It's still nothing.
Even when we live in Brooklyn. I'm like, y'all know where we live. Why do we always have to bring the kids to you? You can say, hey, y'all, we're gonna swing by. We'll come stay at the house with the kids. Because at the time Kirra and kas were still babies, they were toddlers. Yes, y'all can come say, oh, we're gonna come chill with the kids. So you would
deval go. We'll gladly leave the house and go on a date day or date night if you want to come by and see the kids like that was always the offer, but no one took us up on it except for a very select few.
And a very select few would come by the house to watch the kids. Yes, and even that, now here's the crazy part, right, I talked about my cy vers your side when they came to Kay and me, But I also had to deal with your cy verse my side when it came to my mom family and my pop's family. Because one side of the family would ask us all the time when of the boys coming by, when the boys coming by, just bring them by, just
drop them by, or I'll come get them. The other side would be a little bit more chill, so whenever we needed somebody to watch them, we would take them to the ones that was asking, and then the other ones would be like, oh, well, we live right down the block. How can y'all never ask us? And I'm like, yo, yo,
they asked, they asked. And I'm just giving these examples because we do get these no letters about people be like my mom want to see the kids, my husband don't feel comfortable with this, I don't like.
This person, So how do I Yep, you know.
How you navigate it? Talk about it.
You got to talk about it and.
Understand that nothing is being done maliciously unless someone in your family is being malicious, and that's what your kids.
You may have certain boundaries based off of historically how things move facts, so that then requires a certain extra added layer of communication. So just some quick tips for splitting holidays, specifically talking honestly and openly and being willing to compromise.
Compromising is a big thing.
Luckily, Develin, I fell into a situation where his family celebrates Christmas Eve really big, and then my family does Christmas Day really big, so that wasn't really an issue. But now that we have our own family with our own boys, we've kind of become like the stationary house for Christmas. So both families feel comfortable coming down, and we have an open door policy because we love when all of the families together, especially for the holidays. Christmas is like a big thing for me.
As y'all know.
Sidebar, my Christmas trees are being done. Sit off as we speak, in case you guys are wondering. The minute a little bit of chill gets into the air, you know, I'm already looking at my Christmas trees and just itching. So I can't wait till the next round of family members come down so they can help me. Okay, a lot of specific days during the holiday season for each family. Consider alternating years with each family, offer to host everyone at your house at your home, so that's typically what
we do for Christmas because then there's no excuse. We both kind of get what we want out of it. Split the day between each family if possible. That's usually a hard one, like on Christmas Day, it'll be hard to go in the morning and midday go somewhere else. Thanksgiving will hop around, but Christmas not so much. And
then starting your own tradition. So I'm kind of just anticipating a little sad that maybe once my sister has her own family, gets married, she's going to want to start her own traditions with her husband and her children, you know, the same way my brother is going to do that. And I know I have four boys, like I don't know, yeah exactly.
As a girlfriend, she has her own kids. And this was this past Father's Day. They had something from my brother, so he didn't come to spend Father's Day with me and my post. But this is the most important thing. There has to be understanding. And also we all as individuals have to let go of our entitlement. And when I say all, I mean everybody me included.
Right.
I learned that I have to stop expecting you to do things the way I would do and I have to stop expecting your family to celebrate the way we celebrate, because in my mind, it was if y'all would just celebrate the way we celebrate, but on a different day, it'd be more convenient for both parties. And it sounds easy, but then it's like you're asking a family to change their home tradition because you were entitled to that day.
And I think a lot of people need to start realizing that no one is entitled to anyone else's time just because we're family, Like, we have to let that go, you know, like, oh, you're my son, you're supposed to do this, so you're my wife. No, let's have a conversation about what both parties can offer and compromise. That's the only way it can happen. And if we let go of.
Our entitlement, for sure, I know I'm already going to have to start to talk myself out of that because having four sons, you know, the boys normally tend to get up and go wherever their significant other goes too a lot of the time, So you can speak to that in general, and sometimes it just happens because it just naturally happens that way, with no malice. Intended and you just kind of naturally go where the girl goes.
So I'm already anticipating what that's going to look like, having potentially an empty house for Christmas.
I don't know.
There's no potential is. I'm going to be honest with you. Everything you're used to having now is going to change. When I look at my brother, I look at myself. And the only reason why I say them and not my sisters because we have all boys.
Right.
When my brother has to make decisions about holidays and family, whoever his significant other is at the time is who he leaves and who he leads on. Because the same way I lean on you, he doesn't playing trips and stuff. He's like, I'm like, yo, what you're doing for this day? He'd be like, oh, so and so is doing this for me. So that's why I'm rocking. Same way they'll be like, yodavour, what's the plans? What's the first thing? I say? Yeah, okay, don't ask me. You know what
I'm saying. So I can't sit here and say, boys, Christmas is your mother's holiday, all y'all be I mean, I can say that, and I know that they'll they will try but I also don't want to cause a riff because I also understand that just because we're their parents don't mean we're entitled to them on that day exactly. And I feel like if more people utilize that as a way to decide, like, you know what, let me be, let me not be a problem, let me be a solution,
you know what I'm saying. That's the way I view things now. I don't ever want to come with a problem. I want to be a solution.
It's funny you say that, because I'm already forward thinking, like, is it a thing where we do like alternating years and just say hey, boys, like, okay, on every even year, we're going to have Christmas here. So if you guys want to come down with your family and the odd years, me and your father going to be on the south of France. We're going to be at the.
Coast of Italy doing something. So that's what Christmas is going to look like for us.
So y'all can figure it out amongst yourselves and amongst you Is that how you want to do it?
I don't know. I was just throwing it out there.
It's like how it would look, you know, in the future. To avoid their being you know, riffs.
Potentially, I would say this, this is what I would say. There's never going to be a time where I'm going to be comfortable with not seeing my boys on the holidays, for sure, for a year, for sure. So what I would tell them is, look, we're going to do Christmas or Thanksgiving on a non traditional day, right, so we'll celebrate like my family celebrates it on Christmas Eve, right, because my dad realized that celebrating on Christmas Day is asking all of these other people to travel on the
day where they want to be with family. But she he was like, let's have it on Christmas Eve, the night before. So I think we would probably do something similar. I like that. It's like, hey, boys, what are y'all doing, you know, Christmas Eve eve?
Right?
Or if if Christmas is the day where y'all want to be with your girls and do all this stuff Christmas Eve, can y'all come spend Christmas Eve with me and your mind?
Right?
You know what I'm saying?
Non auditions for the New Year's Day party or New Year's Eve party or Thanksgiving.
We do a Friday, we do you know something, a good Friday dinner as opposed to Thanksgiving Black Friday Black Friday dinner, So like, that's that would be my option that I would say, here's a solution.
Thinking about it, well, but this is.
Life, right, You gotta you gotta decide, like, am I going to be the overbearing mom that causes problems every holiday or when the kids have when our kids have children to be like, you better bring them to me first. You can either decide to be that mom, or you can be the mom that says, hey, guys.
Yes, I'm here whenever you I'm here.
When you need. These are the days I'm available. These are days I'm not and let them say, oh my mom said. And I feel like that's the best way for.
Sure to be involved, but not overbearings. I definitely don't want to be that either and driving them away.
All alriting.
All right, hope this give you guys a little insight and little help to let you guys know that the conversation is always gonna keep rolling, child, especially when it comes to families. So let's take a quick break and we're gonna move into listening letters after we get into these ads, So stick around and we'll be back.
All right, We're back, and if you saw my eyes bulged, it's because this listening letter is like, wow, long, I'm not even.
Going We asked for context. Yeah, I'm not even and they're giving us context.
I'm just sorting.
You're gonna read your story. You're gonna go first, all right, go for.
It here ye here, No, Hey, guys, I want to start out by giving you your flowers. Thank you so much what you have done for the black and brown community to open them dialogues that we would never think to talk about. Thank you. Are You're amazing? Thank you. Oh you guys are amazing. You're amazing as well. I would like to remain anonymous. Now let's start. I need help in capital letters.
Wow.
My husband and I have been married for two years. I am twenty eight and my husband is thirty three. I have to start by saying I am a born and raised Guyanese woman and Guyanese GT and he's American. This will make sense soon, Kadean. I know you are from a West Indian household, so our culture of liming, partying and carnival is something we grew up with. Yes, man, Now,
my husband wasn't raised that way. He was born and raised in New York, but tends to shy away from the Caribean Caribbean culture.
That's that's hard to do in New York. It's everywhere.
The first year of our relationship, I got pregnant, So the time that we were supposed to use to introduce each other to our cultures was used to prepare for this new life. Of this new life coming makes sense now. Prior to being together, I used to go to FETs all the time in the summer with my friends. When I got When I got pregnant, of course that stopped. We ended up moving out of the state and having
our baby. After that, we got married, like I mentioned before, and of course I can't live my life like like I'm single. I'm a married woman and mother. But I'm also not a prude, not a poune she put pune prudy. Yeah, now here's the problem. My husband would prefer that I go didn't go to parties. His reasoning behind it is what are you going there for? You are dressing up and dancing for guys to look at you. That's not what a married person should be doing. But I explain
to him that this is my culture. Carnival is in my blood. We aren't going to parties to look for attention for a man. We are going to enjoy good music that is in a group setting that has good vibesep. He still doesn't understand it, and I get it, but I get it because it isn't his culture. I even try to invite him, and all he does is make excuses not to go because it isn't his thing. Now, every time I want to go out, I get anxious just telling him because I know the uneasy feeling that
will settle in afterwards. He even has a problem with the things I wear. I am a curvy five foot six, one hundred and ninety pound woman and can't hide my ass or boobs, but he gets upset if I wear leggings or a sun dress that is too tight, or show my curves. I already know what's happening here, so FYI. I only went to two parties this year, and his response is after this last one, I hope there are
no more for the year. What should I do? How do I get him to be more understanding of my social life and the way I dress from a woman's and a man's perspective.
Baby, it's giving all the insecurities.
I'm gonna disagree with you on that you are. I'm gonna tell you why. If a woman says she doesn't want a man doing something, do we ever say, oh, she's showing her insecurities? Absolutely no, we don't. You know what we say if you listen to when people talk. If a woman says, I don't want you talking to her, I don't want you hanging out with your boys. I don't want you going to the strip club.
That gives insecure to me.
But what do women say? No, married man is supposed to be in the strip club? Why married man gonna be hanging out with his single friends? Don't women say that all the time? And what I'm saying is is that there has to be an understanding between two people prior to getting married about what marriage expectations look like. Now she said they got didn't for that, They didn't get a chance for that. Yes, they got pregnant immediately they got married. I think he has his boundaries and
he's trying to set his boundaries. But you got a woman pregnant and got married before setting your boundaries, you can't then make her do what you want her to do. Now that in a way, she's kind of trapped because she got pregnant and is married. That time when they were dating, what should have happened was him saying, I don't like all this partying because that's not what I like.
I don't like all this party. If that's something you're going to do or you need to do, then we can't be together or we can't move through life together. I don't think that's insecurities, and I don't think that she's wilding out for wanting the party. I think that this is what she enjoys and he doesn't enjoy it the same way. If a man was just like, yo, I go to strip club this is what I do. Is my culture. I'm from down South. Ain't no woman in the world going to be like, that's just Southern
American culture going to strip clubs. Because let's be honest. If you go to strip clubs, women wear what g strings? They shake their ants and they dance. Right when you go to FETs, what do women wear? G strings? They shake their ass and they But we expect Americans to just say, oh, that's their culture. Is fine. But if you were to tell someone else that the strip clubs is our culture, they would say it's not fine.
I guess it really depends on the person because personally, I know, I kind of know how you and I roll, and we don't put those kind of boundaries on each other.
So it's hard to answer questions like.
This sometimes because I'm just like, I don't see what's the big deal on either side, you know, but I do get what you're saying and where you're coming from. It's wrong to just automatically assume that someone's going to accept your way of life and your culture, and like you said, going into this, they really didn't have a chance to decipher what it was that they wanted to
do or not. But also to we're not about necessarily putting boundaries and limitations on each other as individuals, and not a lot of people feel like that within their relationships. They feel like, these are my boundaries, These are the
limitations that I have for you were to us, it's stifling. Yes, And I think that if it was the other way around, and like you said, he was going to be the person to say go out to strip clubs or do whatever it is, I'm wondering if she would give him the same courtesy or if she would just be like, all right, well that's what you're accustomed to doing. So what is he thinking that she's looking for attention or does he just not want her in those environments?
Like, there's a lot of things to unpack.
Because they never courted each other and they never had that conversation about what's acceptable and what's not acceptable, or what they like or what they don't like. And the only reason why I use the strip club analogy is because I don't like when we just immediately say someone is insecure when they don't want their partner to do something. I don't think that that's always insecurities, right, Like, for example,
an open couple. If a couple is just open, right, the open relationship, and then a guy says, well, I don't want you to have sex with other people, the open couple would say to everyone else, oh, that's just insecurities, because they're cool with being in an open relationship. We can't judge people who don't want people to go to FETs or don't want people to go to strip club just because that's what we don't do, and then say, well that's insecure.
But it's even him trying to control what she wears, like she says she can't hide her body. You know, so if she wears leggings or a sundress, he has a problem with it being too tight. And I'm just like, so, now you're trying to control what she's wearing out.
Well, here's this is just my opinion, right, it's my opinion. I listen to women talk about what other women wear all the time. She that's too tight? Why would she wear that? Why are her I think about one of I don't want to say the names, but there's someone that we know who every time they go out, it's always cleavage, it's always spilling out right, And what do all the women say? Why always got to be right?
But imagine if her boyfriends like, man, why you always got to then the women will be like, oh, he's controlling. I don't think it's controlling. If you don't want you. And he says, she's five six, one hundred and ninety pounds, which means she's curvy, she probably got busty. And you know what I'm saying, right, maybe he just doesn't feel comfortable with his wife showing that. I don't think that that's controlling. That's just something he don't feel comfortable with
it depends controlling to me. Is him saying you're not going ever stay your ass, him saying I don't feel comfortable with that. It's him expressing how he feels.
I mean right, because there have been times where I get your opinion on the outfit for its going out and you'd be like that might be a bit much, or you'd be like, I'd be more comfortable with you wearing that out with me, because if you get unwanted attention and then somebody is harassing you, then you're gonna be calling me like, Okay, somebody's trying to do x y Z. I mean somebody trying to get x y Z. Come handle this, you know which. I don't call to put you in a situation, never.
Have, but you did call me one time when when I was in Detroit and you was just like, yo, this dude got me double parked in and.
Raped and would not let me. I wasn't wearing, no tpre.
Nothing to do with what you were wearing. But it was the fact that if I have to protect you, or I'm the person that's responsible to protect you, I should also have say in what's going on with that protection. You know, what I'm saying, like, I don't think it's controlling. If someone says to someone else, you know, I don't like when you wear that when you go out, especially if I'm not there, I think it's controlling. If they slam the door and say you're not going nowhere unless
you change. That's controlling. Someone expressing to you what they don't like. How is someone supposed to let you know how they feel if they don't express it? And that to me is from a man or a woman, right because we get to say, oh, she's a controlling wife, she don't want her husband. No, she's not controlling when she says I don't like my husband going out doing this, doing that. She's expressing to you what makes her feel
a way. If you don't want to adhere to that, you can say, well, listen, I don't agree with that. This is how I want to live my life. Maybe we can't be together. But if you can say, babe, okay, I'll do it, and you conform and everything she want and now you're miserable. But then you call her controlling. You chose to do that. You chose to conform and change your life to what she wants them be miserable. You always have a choice if someone expressed to you how they feel to go along with it or not
going on. It only becomes controlling if that person and impedes what you try to do with force them telling you how they feel. I don't think that's control. And I think that's when you look at the stuff that goes on in the internet. You know, with a certain couple who this summer was all over the internet because a certain person decided to go out and say I don't like you wearing that right, you know what I'm saying.
They ended up back together. But to me, I feel like, man, if I don't like something my significant other is doing, do I not have the right to tell him I just don't like it. Now, I wouldn't go to social media and say it, but I would say it to you. And if I say it to you, I don't want you look at me like I'm controlling.
I'm just telling you right, that's true because we've like that together just over You're just like, I don't know. And also, to in the vein of the topic today, what you're talking about was just compromise when it comes to family. Maybe he can compromise too and say, you know what, this is not really my thing, but I'll
come like that. I don't like a Soca party, but the val has gone to many ah Soca parties because he knows that's what I enjoy and that's the environment I like to be in, so he can kind of just also see like, all right, well, yes, people dance, people carry on, people have a good time, but it's never in any kind of, you know, necessarily vulgar or malicious ways. Sometimes people just want to go out, listen to some music, have good vibes, have a couple of drinks, dance.
But let me ask a serious question before we move on. Right, you go to soaka FETs, women wear bikinis.
Sometimes I mean Carnival, a.
Regular fet Yeah, but even some of these fetes where they got the paint parties and stuff, women and they bikinis and stuff. Right, And if you look at videos, they're winding up on guys they don't know, jumping up on guys. You know what I'm saying. Guys got them bent over, you know what I'm saying. Explain to me how that environment is really any different than a strip club.
Well, strip clubs women are dancing for money.
That's like I'm not talking about like what I'm talking about the environment bikinis dancing, bikinis dancing strangers, dancing on strangers, winding up on strangers. If you don't know, if you just took a video from both, right, what would be the major difference.
You're probably the money part of it because women are working as strippers for entertainment.
Whereas I'm talking about the visual of a woman in a bikini lap dancing on dancing on someone, as opposed to a woman in the street in a bikini lap dancing. It's literally the same thing. It's the only different to this.
You can't compare Caribbean culture in US dancing at fetes to strip clubs.
No, But what I'm saying is is I want sometimes Caribbean women to understand why an American man who doesn't understand the culture would see that and automatically see like ding, Well, this is how we view women in our culture who dressed like that and do that. How they It's hard for them to say, why would I feel comfortable with my woman or the women that we're supposed to be with. You know what I'm saying, I'm just.
Why he should probably go to a couple with her see exactly what transpires, and maybe that might give him a little bit of a comfort level to say, Okay, at least it's not what I think it is or what it appears to be. Because sometimes looking at that screenshot or that snapshot of a photo, for example, can you create you create your own narrative.
So let me ask a question, serious question. I don't have a problem with it because I grew up in that culture. But if a woman in a bikini is dancing on your husband and he paid her twenty dollars, is it any less offensive if a woman in a bikini is dancing on your husband in the street or free.
No.
I just think the intention with the environment is different.
When you're going into a strip club, you're paying for that particular entertainment, whereas if it's at a party in passing and you dance with somebody and you keep it moving.
Yeah, but I mean you have to pay to go to these carties, it's still entertainment. The entertainment is the music is playing and women are going to dance on you.
Yeah, but I think the intentions are just different. Like I wouldn't compare a FET to a strip club. Personally, that's my culture.
And I know I personally would disagree. I personally would dis mainly because they're both forms of entertainment. It's both dancing, it's both liquor, it's both music. The only difference is the men in the strip club are paying strippers to dance directly. The men on fats are not paying them women directly, but they had to pay somebody to get in that promoted club.
And the women who want.
To dance in that manner they do, and they consider it fun, they keep it moving. And women like me who rather hold my corner and dance with my friends and stuff. You know, it's different too. There's a choice, but how you want to engage in that fat type environment.
But what I'm just saying is, can you imagine not being a part of that culture? And she says he's he's never grown up in that culture, right, But based on the culture he's grown up and what he views as not appropriate and looking at a FET, she can't understand for a minute why he would be a little apprehensive, saying, I want, I want my wife.
Now I think she's like, come with me, So you can see what happens here, but he says it's.
Not his thing, but him come in and see it. Think about that snapshot. Is he gonna think it's any more?
Or maybe she can have fun with him in that environment.
It's just he's kind of writing it off and not really knowing what transpires.
He's maybe just going based off of what he's seen.
This is what I'm saying, remove yourself from it.
You.
I'll go to effect with you. You go to the strip club with me. We don't judge either one. I'm not talking about it.
Have fun either way.
Right, I'm not talking about us. I'm just talking about someone removed from that culture, looking at that culture. And can you see how someone can say I don't want my No.
I completely get it. I can get how it's off putting.
But I also understand that if this is something your spouse enjoys, and it's like, all right, you may be doing things that I don't necessarily enjoy, but I try to, you know, come and sit with you and watch and just be there because I know you enjoy it. So in the vein of compromising as a couple or as a unit, then I think sometimes you have to just compromise and say, all right, I know I don't necessarily love this environment.
It's not necessarily for me. But because you enjoy it, I'll go with you.
I hear what you're saying, But all I'm asking is, can you understand how he may be apprehensive? I can say he should go. I'm just saying the same way Caribbean women look at the strip club like I would never go to the strip club. And the only reason why I'm saying that is because I grew up in New York. I grew up around Caribbean women. Caribbean women look at strippers like you a stripper.
I think any woman look like look at women like strippers or strippers.
That's their that's their job.
But imagine imagine going to put on a bikini to dance for money. Then imagine going to put on a bikini to dance with men you don't know for free. What's the difference. This is what I'm explaining. Like you see what I'm saying. I'm just saying, like you don't really see no difference. Take yourself out of it.
No, I see it?
Okay, Yeah, we're still going on this, all right, No, finish up. Finish your thoughts so that way we can at least wrap. This is a long listener, we probably just do one today.
All I'm saying is is, when you're talking about cultures, right, sometimes you can't just be in your culture and say it's not that big of a deal. Sometimes you have to remove yourself from your culture to say, how is someone else viewing my culture? And if they're viewing my culture this way, can I understand why they may be apprehensive? And since they didn't have time to court, you know what I'm saying, Since they didn't have time to court,
it's hard for them to know that about each other. Yes, my thing is I don't judge strip club the same way I don't judge FETs. It's entertainment. People go for whatever they go for. But if he says that, if she says that he's a very conservative person, he don't
do that. I can't see him ever feeling comfortable with his wife going to And I'm not calling women that go to FETs strippers, but I'm saying from his vantage point, if you watching women in bikinis dance on men they don't know, that's not something he may ultimately be comfortable especially if he's not in go often the culture. I know what FETs are, so for me, it's like they partying, they chips in down the road, like that's not a
big deal, you know what I'm saying. But I also am the same person that be like strippers don't love you, bro, they get paid to dance. This is entertainment for you, and that's you know what I'm saying. I have more of an open eye to see.
What Maybe it's the New York are in us because we've seen it all to be honest, exposed to all of it. So if you think of somebody who may not be from that, well he's from New York too.
So I don't know.
And people don't agree with FETs because there's a large contingent of seven day adventures that look at FETs like the Devil's playground.
Seriously, seriously, yes.
And I've dated some other West Indian people when I was younger who moms was just like, you're gonnaffect, You're gonna fet, You're not going to affect, And they tell their daughters you can't go out there, like you're not gonna be dancing up on men for that. You don't know.
Yeah, all right, well that's that.
If you want to be featured as a listener letter, be sure to email us y'all at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com. That ended up being a very long when died a listen a letters, so we only got to one today for y'all, but be sure to write in and we'll get to y'all in the future.
That's de E A D A S S A D V I C at gmail dot com.
All right, moment of truth time. We're talking my family versus your family.
Today.
My moment of truth is my family is better than yours, not just I'm just kidd it. That negates the entire conversation. I think my moment of truth at this point is that the conversation always has to keep going because when you think of family, you're not just including you and your spouse and your immediate family if you have children, but you're also trying to consider the parents, the grandparents, sometimes aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, the extended family.
And it's also trying to navigate and manage the emotions of adults, which also in itself is a task a lot so in my from my advantage point, over communicating with all parties involved. That's what I do now, because I feel like at least they can say I knew Kadeen told me I was in the loop, and then I was able to make the decision with how I wanted to be involved there.
After, I like it, I would say. My momental truth is, no one is entitled to their way. Your parents aren't, your siblings, aren't you aren't your aunts and uncles aren't. Only thing everyone is entitled to is an option. So give your option and be willing to compromise. That's said. But you are not entitled to your way period period.
All right, y'all, be sure to follow us.
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That's a fact.
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