Family Feuds

more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead As is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take pillow talk to a whole new level. Dead

Ass starts right now. This is not even really so much of the story time, but it's more like a revelation. I'll take a revelation today. I'm choosing not to out people in my family, but throughout my life. You grow up and you realize that there's certain people that like stay away from the family, and the family tends to make that person seem like they are the problems. Until you become an adult and you start to just look

around reading the room. Well you look at you look at your parents, you look at your grandparents, look at your uncle's. You start to say, you know what, that ain't crazy. You know what I'm saying? Like that that that that that that person right there ain't crazy, you know what I'm saying. And out of out of respect for my family and people's privacy, I'm not gonna say

name and stuff like that. But growing up, especially being in the church environment, you start to see people leave the church, and they always made it seem like that person was cast out of the church and it's no longer accepted into the church family. Until you becoming right and you and you start to realize, like, aha, you know what I'm saying, that person left on their own

free will. And you start to look at the people around you that you grew up admiring and like you said, put on the pedestal, and you start to ask questions, what is going on aroun on here? Let's talk about it. I don't mess with you. You're stupid bitch. That's how people be feeling dinner with families though, every time they see a family member and they in their mind that's what they'd be thinking with facts, right, that's what people

we want to say. They're walk into the house with Thanksgiving, what's upbounds everybody? They see that person. Stupid as bit you, But I gotta deal with you for the next two or three hours. Let me get this real talk. That was a great karaoke song because I know people we had their family reunions and they feel the events and just that's that's going times. Man, it just is what it is. And I didn't want to go, yeah, we don't know kind of volga for someone we had the

little eve. When you see our podcast, you know we're gonna drop a little cuss where and again we're trying to cut back, though. We're trying to cut back because our kids gonna listen to this at some point. I don't want them to be like, oh that note, Let's take a quick break and then we're gonna come back with them meat at the show. So yeah, back the story of time. I want to say that I can relate to you in that and going back to my

sound bite, Um, it's just crazy. As a child, you you look up to and you admire certain individuals around you, and some of them are are you know, family aunt's uncles. Some of them are what you call like your play family. You know, that cousin or that extended friend um of the family that you call aunt or uncle because you know they've been around and stuff. Um. But you start to realize as you get older that people are human beings first and foremost, and one thing human beings are

gonna do is be human. And it's then up to you to kind of decipher whether or not this is somebody you want to continue to engage with. Now, I was raised to respect my elders, regardless of who the person is, um, what capacity there in the family or around the family, regardless of that capacity. That's the way

I was always raised UM. And that's something that I still continue to practice to this day, even in my old age, because it's something that again I feel like my mom or dad might knock me upside my head for if I were to disrespect, you know, outrightly as someone who was older than me. However, I've now become a part of a school where I feel like people

need to be held accountable for their actions. And I also feel like I'm adult enough to make the decision to remove myself from interaction or engagement with someone who I feel like does not UM, someone who is not contributing healthily to my growth a person or individual, or to the growth and health of other people around who I may love. UM. So that being said, although it's very much against probably the way I was raised, I feel like it's in my best interests to decide who

I continue to engage with and in what capacity. You know, we're not our grandparents generation anymore. We don't believe that silence serves us anymore. And we grew up being told to respect your elders without really being allowed to expect that respect to be mutual. E Can we talk about that a little bit though, Yeah, the whole respecting your elders things. UM. Even when I was a kid, I always kind of felt like, you don't just get respect

because you're an elder. People don't agree with that. People don't agree with that, But I know some old people you know what I'm saying, And I've learned in my life that, Um, it doesn't matter how old you are, you are never too old to get cut off. You know what I'm saying, because I'm not even the thing where you need to get disrespected, because I'm not even for that no disrespect. You're not getting anything from me.

It's the not getting any energy at all. And what used to bother me, especially in my house, is my mom would be like, call someone so, or go give someone so well hug or did you speak to someone so? And growing up early in my childhood, I used to fall in line with calling someone so. But as I became an adult and even though my mom said did you call someone so, I'd be like no, like straight no,

like no, I'm not calling someone so. Someone so was an asshole, you know what I'm saying, Like like, and I feel like I'm not doing that to my kids. From young right, my mom used to do the same thing to like, oh did you call this person? Did

you call that person? And I think her mindset was that these are your family mercy, yes, and you want to have a relationship or she wanted us to have a relationship with said family member, but she also wanted it to be a thing whereas we continue to grow over the years and you need support for something, or you needed help with something, or you needed that person as a resource, that you're just not waiting until you need something to call someone. Absolutely, so that was her mindset.

She was like, you know, I just don't want it to be a thing where you guys just out of the clear boo, I have to call somebody in this Because you want something, you should have a relationship where you feel confordable about asking for it or ask obscore a resource or asking for a referral because you have a relationship with that person. But this is what this is what I challenged that I thought right growing up in my house it was your child. You should reach

out and call soon. So that person is a grown ass adult, they should be utilizing their emotional maturity to build a relationship with me as a child. It doesn't have to be one way. You know, you're an adult and you want to have a relationship with a child, you should reach out to that person and talk to them. But more and more often than that, adults often take advantage of children, especially in the family environment, because they know people will listen to me more than they listened

to the child. And that's scary for children. And that's a lot a lot of times while even back in the day, children didn't speak about the traumas and the abuse that they went through because it's like, no one's gonna believe me that person is an adult. You understand what I'm saying. And if you look at history, that's part of the reason why the vast majority of the world today is so broken and filled with so much hurt, because all of these people were once children who were

being hurt, who no one wanted to listen to. I'm not willing to do that with my children, No, I completely, I completely agree with you that this happened, um, you know, along with some family lines of mine, you know, a little distant, but still um the fact where these you know, instances had happened between children and adults, and the children were not listen to, you know, and then once these children now were adults and decided to out said family

member or decided that, you know what, I'm not working with this family member no more. It's almost like, oh my god, how dare you ruffle these feathers or they they they they take offense to the way it's it's put out there. So some people they want to express themselves on social media, for example, and they want to

out that family member that way. Or they may wait till there's a family event and they want to turn up at a family event and say, you know what, I'm leaving this event because this person is here and this happens to me when I was younger. And um, then again, that child who is now the adult is still being shunned in a sense. Um, So where does it ever end? You know, where does it ever end? So? Yeah, we're taught that blood is thicker than water, and but

you can't choose who shares your blood. The obligations sometimes in bold family members to treat you. Um. And how many times have we had that person that comes by and it's just like, oh, such and such has to come by because their family good and well and nother body want them to be there, you know. Um, So at what points do we decide enough is enough? When do we decide that that blood is not think enough

of a reason to stay in these toxic relationships? So two thousand and fifteen U studies showed that more than forty of individuals had experienced family estrangement at one point in their life. I figured it would have been higher. There's other people that come people off and they didn't even know they were cut off. Um. The historian UH Stephen Mints, the author of Rux's raft, A History of

American Childhood, did I say sorry? Huck's raft um a History of American Childhood, made a similar observation in an email that said, families in the past fought over tangible resources like land, inheritance, um, family property, and they still do. But this is all but all this is aggravated and intensified by the mindset that does seem to be distinctive of our time. Our conflicts are often psychological rather than material, and therefore even harder to resolve. So we fighting over

land or whatnot. We're fighting over people's behaviors, feelings and feelings. This is one thing that you uhould trip me out about adults. You would be trying to express yourself as a child. And I hated hearing this. You are a child? What does that mean I don't have feelings or you get to just say or do whatever you want to say to me or do to me because I'm a child. I used to hate that, even with my my my parents, You say that to me about your child? Your child?

What does that mean? I mean, I don't have an opinion. That means that when you say stuff to me, if it hurts my feelings, I'm not supposed to express it at all. And I used to get in such big trouble. I can see how that's a big issue for you, as expressive as you are now. Do you think that's in part because do you think that you're you over could not I want to say overcommunicate, but you're as willing to communicate and express your feelings now because it's

something that you had to suppress as a child. Or do you feel like you've always been that person that wanted to just express how you felt, but you had to be silence in a sense as a child. This this is a moment where I'm going to imploy up my parents because my mom always expressed me, always empowered me to express myself, right, so did my father. Won't you say how you feel? The only time it became an issue was when I expressed things that they did

not agree with. It wasn't in line with what they were trying to do. Then it was your attitude things. So to me, it was like, you empowered me to express myself as long as I agree with everything you say. You see what I'm saying, so then it became right right. So then they became a thing well, and even my father used to go back and forth. I said, so the minute I don't agree with what you believe, I

don't have a voice in the house anymore. And then what used to happen was because my parents empowered me. I had aunt and uncles who were also disciplinarians, and if I did not agree with their form of discipline or what they were trying to discipline me about, I used to speak on it. And I remember hearing them say to my parents, you know the problems you let him talk too much because he used to allow aunt and uncles to discipline you in a certain yes, yes,

and as I think most people do. My family, and that did not spare the rod like Nia's got. They asked, whooped like country down South South, you know South Carolina Baptist parenting. Was you spoiled? You spare the rod? You spoil the child? You know my grandmother, I asked her when I was a little bit older, like, yeo, why did you hit us so much? And her mindset was

that she grew up in a time. She grew up in Orangeburg, South Carolina, in the twenties, thirties, forties, and you you didn't survive if you didn't stay in line. This was during the time and what we're talking about before Jim Crow South during UM, like right after reconstruction, right after the Great Depression, where black people were murdered for looking at what white people in the wrong way.

You know, little black girls were raped for for showing eye contact with an older white male or even older black male. So for her, it was I was doing everything to keep you in line so that you could survive when you were here with us. So it was a survival tactic. It wasn't because she necessarily wanted. On top of that, think about this, when we freed the slaves,

did anyone think about mental health for the slaves? Right when we were dealing with reconstruction and there was redlining that what we're dealing with mental health from all of these families who were separated and forced to live in ghettos because they after the Great Depression, they created UM all of these nice neighborhoods for suburban white areas and then told contractors not to build for black right, So did we deal with the mental anguish that went into that?

And if we did have our own it, it was burned down. Do you see what I'm saying. So now these people who were murdered, massacre, tormented for hundreds of years, Now we're free. Right, Then we get into Jim Crow South and we have to deal with segregation and lynchings becoming a thing of American history. People used and this is this is what I think a lot of people

don't understand. Lynchings were so prominent in America that they used to celebrate picnics by hanging a black person, burning them, cutting off the genitals and ears and stuff, and people would have picnics around that black body. Right, did we ever have any mental health for those black people who survived that? No? Right, But that was my family from the South who then raised children without dealing with any of that trauma. So they raised children thinking about survival.

My grandmother was, I mean, we used to get beat with fly swatters, belts, sticks, slippers, and that was just that all to scare you to stay in line so that you wouldn't act out. I mean, you were all boys. It was all boys, Me and my cousin Davan, my my brother Brian. We would be in Tennessee and she had white carpet in the kitchen. My grandmother, my grandmother was fly mothers And this is not I love my grandmother death. Everything she did for was for us and

for our survival. So this is not like a bash my grandmother's session. But it was just you get older, you understand why I thinks were right. And we would be at the table and she would say, sit down and eat, don't play around. We're being boys, playing around, throwing stuff. You spill juice, right, you get your ass whooped. So think about that. You're doing what a kid does. You're playing and you spill juice and you get beat

for it. Right, that's toxic behavior. Like I understand where she was coming from, but realistically that's very very toxic behavior. Right then, all her children were raised the same way,

and they raised their children the same way. As I got older and you become more educated on the history and you come more educated on on you know, how we deal with children, you start to say, I don't have to like, you don't gotta beat me for doing you know, doing certain things, and I noticed in our generation we start to speak up about it, and that's when you start to look around and realize how toxic your family is because none of those deep rooted issues

were ever dealt with from years and years of general rational traumas being passed out. Absolutely, that's why I applaud our generation for starting to question so many things. Now you're starting to kind of go against the grain. And the older generations may look at us as being the disrespectful generation, But at what costs? Like or is this something that we're going to continue to do? We were raised in a school system where corporal punishment was assigned off.

Both of us went to a private school when we were younger, where our parents within the registration packet signed off on corporal punishment as that being something that was a means of discipline and it was at the discretion of the teacher or the principle or the assistant principle. Can you imagine if we were living in that kind of society to this when we would walk into being Baptist Academy and you could tell if a teacher was having a bad day, like just about coming from home,

like the day hasn't started yet. Come into the day having a bad day, and we'd be online, you know, getting ready to go into the trailers that we went into, and kids are being kids dancing. I told you stop moving on to some with kids are dancing, joking around. Then you just get beat with a ruler wrapped in duct tape for for being a kid and moving once again, toxic behavior passed and now where the age world, we can disconnect from that stuff. So I don't even have

to explain to you. I can just be like, yeah, not dealing with that's crazy because when that was done, I feel like it was done too with a form of love, you know what I mean, absolutely does love, Like even at Bethlehem Academy, had such a great stint there at that school, and that's not the first thing

that comes to mind when I think of my time there. However, it was done all with the mindset that we were trying to raise these boys and girls to be law biden citizens who can assimilate into society and be well behaved and not ruffle feathers and do everything that they're supposed to do, which is just so completely different now with the way we pair our children for example, just even talking about the giving our children a voice, like saying, Okay,

this is the elder you you should not speak back where you should not have an opinion. That's completely opposite of what we're doing with our children. We encourage so much dialogue. We are apologizing now as parents if we feel like we do something that may not have been the right decision, or in retrospect we decide, you know what,

I shouldn't have dealt with this that way. How many times if we have apologized to our children for things like that, you know, and I think that's just part of being a conscious parent now in this day and age, trying to break those cycles. I also feel that it's important for us to talk about that generation that had to deal with all of those traumas are the reason why we're able to have the freedom to live the

way we live now. For sure, you see what I'm saying, So once again, not shaming the older generation for the way they did, but understanding that we wouldn't have been able to get to this point if it were weren't for those parameters in the fifties, sixties, and seventies. Being a freethinking black person, especially black male during that time

will get you murdered. Right. So when my grandmother when we used to ask questions or talk back, she was not having that like any talk back when you get hit. And what it does is it does it does stunt your growth as a child adolescent when it comes to thinking freely. But they weren't. They didn't care about growth at that point, you know, no one. It was survival.

It really was survival. And we have to take that into account when we think about toxic family members, because ultimately, removing toxicity does the word that you and I have created. We created that three years ago. I don't know if you remember that, but removing toxicity from a family takes free thinking and it takes um the allowance of people to think freely. And I think within toxic families, the number one toxic part of the family is the control

aspect of not allowing people to think freely. So if you think anything other than then what the family thinks, and then you become you become the rebel in the family. You become the black sheep of the family. You're going against the grain, you're the disgrace that usually become labeled that.

But then we usually see that these black sheep and said rebel tend to be some of the happier people when you look at their lives outside of the family dynamic, they're flourishing, and flourishing may just be that they simply feel like they can exist in the space where they don't have to deal with the toxicity anymore. So they're free to do whatever they want and they can live and be happy without having to pander to other family members. That ultimately, when you really look at it, does it

really matter? It depends? That was a good question. Doesn't really matter? Does it really matter? Doesn't really matter? Is a great question because if family is important to you, and your family name matters to you, then it is important. But what you're not trying to carry on in this family the name, it's toxic behavior. And that's the point.

You know, if your family is not about being toxic, and your family has a heritage, right or they gain access to things through a toxic manner, of course you don't want to carry that on. But the successes of being a part of that family you do want to carry on, right Like for example, here, let's let's let's look at some of the reasons people cut ties with family.

Researchers show the most common reasons people cut ties with family include sexual, physical, or emotional abuse or neglect, poor parenting, betrayal, drug abuse, disagreements often related to romantic relationships, politics, homophobia, and issues related to money, inheritance or business, physical or mental health problems. Right, all of these things, the core thing that I noticed here is a basis of control. Right. So, for example, sexual physical, or emotional abuse, that's a form

of control. Right. If a family is run a certain way where certain people in the family get to do things to other members of the family, right as a form of control. If you realize that this is wrong, and you start saying, hey, this is wrong, that's when they say we need to get him out of the family because he's he's now compromising that control that we have.

That right, then you look at poor parenting. Typically, poor parenting comes from you learning poor parenting techniques from those parents, right. And if you're smart enough to realize that, you know what, I don't think I want to exist in this type of poor parenting, that's when they start to say, what I got to get out of here. He or she is the black sheep. They don't fall in line with what we're trying to get moving, right, This next one betrayal.

Betrayal is typically what the toxic people in the family members use as a way to make you feel guilty, the form of manipulation. They always say this, right, how could you go against the family? Remember when he was watching the same thing, going against the family, and it seems like going against a family in what terms? Well, also going against the family who was just ultimately fucked up.

But what they're doing, so you're gonna go against what you're doing because you're don't realize how it's messed up. But they use that family term as a way to make you feel guilty about not falling in line with the controlled things that they've put in place to stop you from being a free thinker. Right. This next one drug abuse. Typically people fall into drug abuse or alcoholism

rather than it being just an addiction. Right. Typically they fall into this when they're tired of dealing with the control and they want what escapeism, right, They want an escape. So it's like, you know what, I'm tired of dealing with this. I know that it's wrong, but rather than me be the black sheep of the family let me

self medicate using other means. Well, yeah, I think about that family member that's already drunk when they get to the family function, because it's like the only way I'm gonna get through this family dinner, and the only way I'm gonna get through this Christmas night is if I have a couple of drinks before we're having to deal with these people. I'm gonna show up because it's family, and I'm gonna show up. But okay, I'm gonna toast. That's a lot, yo. This is what's funny. I tell

y'all a real funny. That's that's not a story, but a funny moment. Right. Kadine and I when we both started dating and started like introducing each other to each other's families, I remember both of us having this like Okay, well this, this person in the family is the and it's like you feel like your family is the only family in the world who deals with this. Then when you meet the person you're dating his family and you're like, wait a minute, y'all done one of those exactly your

family know that. You're like, okay, well then this it's just what we're all dealing with. Your family goes through and you know what I'm saying, your family goes through this, or y'll don't talk to that hunt or this uncle crazync been locked up. You know what I'm saying, Like, it's we've all gone through that with our families. But the funny thing about toxic family members is that we all try to keep it hush and act like everybody

in our family is perfect. That's the most annoying thing to me, to me at least, because I'm like, and then it's the it's the acting as if you're perfect, but then quick to find fault with everybody else, absolutely, like always great to find support with somebody else. That's the part that always gets me. So it's, yeah, you know, it's funny when we talk about family members and us trying to find ways to deal with our family, right and in the black community, we've never looked at professional

help as a way. Right in our family, it was did you speak to your pastor? You know, and pastors don't go to school for psychology. You know, they go to school for theology. You know, they understand the Bible, but that doesn't mean that they understand human behavior. Some pastors are better at it than others. But they're not trained or they haven't learned human behavior to the point where they can diagnose and help a family. Some can because you don't need to be you know, a psyche,

you know, a psychological major to do that. But I feel like our ways of dealing with issues in our community have not been working. No. I mean I feel like within my family, at least, um, there would be no let's talk to the pastor or let's talk to this person. There's just let's not talk about it at all, which, in turn, I think is an even bigger issue. So it's not even that you see that there's an issue

and you're trying to seek the help. It's that we don't have an issue, they have an issue or y'all have an issue because we're fine over here when we're just like, no, you're not, though, like this is not like things aren't okay. So I've always said how I've come from a family line of just not really having conversations and communicating in any of that, um, and in me trying to reverse that or change the pattern and be vocal. Um. I've been more vocal with my family

with various things. UM. But I've also reached a point to where I just kind of feel like some of the energy that I would spend having those conversations that when is it okay, because it's what let's get to what we were talking about. When is it okay to say okay, y'all got to be cut off? Oh so, I mean me personally, I it when dealing with family members. UM Like I was just saying, there comes a point where it's just like, okay, we can have this conversation

if you guys are willing to have the conversation. But then you have family members that want to exist as if there is no problem, and then they constantly feel as if you're attacking them if you decide to voice said concern. I no longer have the energy to invest in people who don't feel like they have an issue, or don't feel like they have a problem, or just are okay with existing in a space where they're being

inconsiderate of others feelings. And I have chosen to just say, you know what the value of this relationship in this moment for me, is it going to make or break me as an individual for the rest of my life? UM is pulling away from this relationship going to enrich or not enrich my life anymore. I can decide at that moment, you know what, I can invest more time into the areas of my life with people who do check for me or the people who do have a

genuine relationship with me. And I feel like if I have to constantly question if this person is genuine or not, then it's not genuine. And then it's time. Have you cut family members off? I have, I have. I don't know if they know they're cut off, but well, I mean, at this point, it's just like, that's the best thing about cutting someone off. You're not at the airport, you don't have to departure. I love that. I love that, And it's just kind of like what whatever happens to

took it in and you know, it's great. We can be cordial, we can say hello. But in terms of me investing something in a relationship that I feel like I'm getting no return out of. Why do you think

do you think cutting family off can be counterproductive? I think it can be counterproductive if you feel like it's something that continues to bother you and you feel like you haven't necessarily settled that story yet either, because it could be something that weighs on your mind and you're constantly having to to have it brought up, so you can constantly decide, like, you know what, I'm just no

longer going to deal with this family member. But if it's something that continues to rehash in your mind and you feel like you have to kind of get out in the open and have this discussion with this person, then you may have to announce your departure by having conversation with them. So what you're saying is not talking to a family member, and that family member is still on your mind and pisces you off. You haven't really cut them off. You haven't really because they exist rent

free in your brain. Yes, that rent free existing. You can't cut someone off if you're constantly thinking about how you cut that person off? Right, So how do you get to that point where And it may not even be you thinking of that person, It may be other family members that's just like, well, you know, sister, someone SO said that they didn't hear from you in a while, or because if someone SO is doing this again, oh can you believe it? And you're just like, okay, I'll

keep bringing this person up. This person continuous to annoy me. So you may have to say to the other family members, stop talking to me about this person because I don't care anymore. Or you're gonna have to call a meeting and be like, hey, let's all get this out in the open. And I'm very you're calling me and kind of person at this point in my life, so let's out everybody. So, so, how do you deal with the family members who are typically the elders. We're constantly saying,

you know, you need to call so and so. You know so and so asked for you, right, and what do you say to them? Go check my Instagram page because see they can see how I'm doing, they can see how I'm living. Now I'm kidding, but no, I I have those conversations. I have had those conversations with other family members to say, hey, A, if they want to now be an adult and have the conversation with me,

they know where to find me. B I've also had the conversation where I've had the conversation where it's like, I understand that's how you feel, and I respect the fact that that's how you feel, and you can continue to engage in that relationship with this person. However, I don't feel like it's necessarily going to enrich my life anymore to continue that. I'm not going to be disrespectful, I'm not going to make a big scene. I'm not

going to make a big think about it. But it just doesn't have to be something that I entertain and I'm just not going to do it. Wow. Yeah, that's where we're at with it now. No, I can just invest so much more energy into people who I want to exist in energy and spaces with. I'm just not subscribing to the jargon of question for you, then, at what age will you allow our sons to say, Mommy, Daddy, I don't want to talk to that person no more.

I don't think it's a particular age. I feel like our five year old could you can tell with children if they don't flex with somebody, you know how they say children and animals they take certain individuals for whatever reason. I don't think it's a particular age. But I think there can be just reason that we can listen to our children and say, hey, there has to be a reason why they may not want to mess with said adult, And then it may require some further investigation to see

if something had transpired that caused that. I just don't think that it should just be oh, I'm not feeling this person in this moment, so let's cut them all off.

I think if there was a particular chain of events that made you feel differently, if there's a particular behavior that person exhibited that the person is now turned off from or our child is turned off from, then I'm perfectly okay with saying, oh, okay, you have that personal right to decide who you do mess with and not see for me, because kids are temperamental and they also watch behavior and just repeat behavior. Um, I would want my my children, my boys, to be able to eloquently

articulate to me. You have to discuss why you do not like this person, absolutely if you if you're just saying I don't know, and that's not good enough teper to Because there's some people that come to visit who are close family or friends that they run through the door and they're like, hey, such and such a him hugs, and then other days they're like, I don't want to give that person a hug, and we're just like, all right, well, you just may not feel like doing that in this moment.

That's happened before too, you know. I mean when it comes to the hugging stuff and in personal space, I'm never pushing my kids to hug anybody. But I will say this though, it is also toxic behavior for you to allow children to decide whether or not they want to speak to people based on how they feel in the moment, because that's not how the real world works. Because when you grow up, you can't say, you know what, I ain't going to work. I'm not talking to my

boss today. You can't. You have to just be cordial, say you're hellos. But does it require a full blown conversation or a full blown relationship. Not necessarily. And you're right. Children are impressionable, and they may be exposed to how you deal with other families and feel like that enables them to then be disrespectful. That's when that's not gonna happen. I'll tell you right now, because I know my father's energy and my mom's energy right when I was a

kid growing up. If my father inflects with somebody, I could see in his energy inflects with that person. You know what I'm saying, and exactly, But but here's the truth though, right if those two people have a personal beef, but you don't even know if your parents your father was wrong wrong? Do you see what I'm saying? So that that's why it's important to as a parent to make sure that like, for example, why you know, if you ask your child why why don't you talk to someone?

So well, you don't talk to him. You gotta kind of check yourself at this point to be like, dang, what am I teaching? What? What bad behavior? And my teaching my son or daughter if I can't if they can't express to me why they don't talk to person other than the fact that I don't talk to them, you understand what I'm saying. Do you subscribe to children respecting their elders regardless of Oh no, I already said that it's not about respecting the elder at that point,

it's about being able to express to me that. This goes back to once again, teaching children how to express their feelings and feeling comfortable thinking freely. You know, for example, Jackson, you know, hey, uh, Jackson, why you why you don't talk to so and so? I don't know you don't talk to them? Okay, but why don't you talk to them. I have my reasons for not talking to them. Why don't you talk to them? I don't know. I noticed you don't talk to him. Well I don't talk to him. Well, buddy,

that's not that's not good enough. You know that person may be a resource to you, that person may have your that's interested heart, that person may be great to you. You can't just follow fashion and say, well, if someone so don't talk, I don't talk unless you can express there's a reason why, or you saw some him do something to me that turned you off. But if it's just my behavior, that's not good enough. And I think

that's also something toxic that happens in families. I'll say in my family in general, there was a generational beef between It was a beef between a generation and spilled down into our generation, and then me and family in my generation at that level didn't talk for years because do you know what I'm saying. And it wasn't until we sat down and discussed, well, you did this and someone so did this, and then I was like, wait a minute, but that don't make sense, and that don't

make sense. Then you start to look at it and say wow, we've been beefing for years over something that had nothing to do with us, and when we sit back and think about it, that beef was stupid too. Well, that's why I'm a subscriber, for getting everybody in the room to other at one point you can all speak about it so it doesn't become a he said, she said, and I felt this because that person said, But it

really didn't happen in that way. And a lot of times we see how people will maneuver and navigate through a situation with a particular intention and it's not received that way. So your intention means nothing depending on how it was received. And a lot of it can be just miscommunication, so it could be worth conversations some crazy

you need, some crazy of issues. Beefs, wars, um, divorces start with miscommunication because it's it's never what you implied, it's how the person received whatever action you've done or verbal communication you gave across. And if you think about everything, it's like once it's all the dust settles, well, you always hear this, well I thought you meant. Then does that mean you thought I meant we went to war?

Because you thought I meant? Think about how dumb. That is, we didn't talk for years because I thought, you, man, this isn't. Part why I think Kadina and I have been able to thrive in our marriage more recently is because this is my best friend first. So with that being said, there's nothing we can't talk about. I feel like when we first got married, um, there was a stigma where for me especially was that's my wife. You don't talk to your wife about this, you know what

I'm saying, or you would. You would think that all my husband's never gonna understand. So I'm just gonna internalize this that we communicate, and then the communication will be pissed because it's like I'm not going to say that because that's my wife. And then years ago by and you'd be like, well, I thought the whole time that

this is what you felt. It wasn't until you were you were like, oh, I was doing all this for us and for you, and I'm like, I didn't want that or asked for that, and you were bustingly asked to give me a when all along I was just hoping for be like, but think about you have friends for long periods of time, why because there's nothing you can't talk to your friend about right. You can talk to your friend about anything right. Sometimes you just spots

you can't. Sometimes with your family, it's the same thing. Don't talk to your mom about this because or as a mom, don't talk to your kids about this same thing with aunts and uncles and cousins. I feel like if we all approach every relationship as if this is a possibility to be a best friend and we have open lines of communication, will have less of this family drama and people getting cut off to that level of

accountability that people need to have it. I think they don't have, particularly elders, And I don't know if it's because it's a pride thing or if it's a thing where they are not willing to admit mistake or admit fault um as readily, and it can just be like a person thing too. Um that I know has affected some family dynamics On my side, UM is people just not being accountable for their actions and seeing how their actions could have hurt other individuals. You know what I

call those grown toddlers. I know some people who are grown toddlers. They'll have temperate tantrums and things don't go their way. And if they do something wrong, they just ignore that act like you never You're just supposed to like the wheels keep on just moving. And I wait a second, we definitely had a whole hat to be You're not going to acknowledge not acknowledge that right exactly? It is. No one's gonna talk about this elephant in

the room. Um, and I'm all for exposing elephants in the room now, so so I mean, no, this is actually interesting to hear you talk about this. So moving forward, when it comes to family, you're not against cutting off toxic family. You're not against the kids if they can express themselves cutting off toxic family. Are you opposed to being uh cut off? If someone feels that I don't serve them in whatever capacity they need me for, then

I'm all good with that. I'd rather you just be honest with me about it and tell me what it is upfront. Be honest, state, say how you feel, and then we can agree to disagree if that's the case, or I can respect somebody's saying conveine whatever your way of life is it do I know people don't necessarily agree in my family with you know, some family members with you know, how I make my living and how we do our thing, and how open we are and

how transparent we are. Um, and that's fine. They're about to cut you all. That's fine. Listen, I'm trying to lose all the weights, so says say less bro, like that's just what it is. Um, you know, but I do understand also to the desire to want to keep a family unit together as well. You know, some people have that they live in this this euphoria of like

we should just all be a happy family. When I think we can achieve that happy family when we start being honest with each other first and foremost, and then we can move on from there, you know, I think, I think, And then I started choosing my family. I'm sorry, but point now where I am literally choosing my family like a a you know, blood family member could easily be replaced by somebody who I've elected to now be

my family. I just thought of my moment of truth, but whole day because we have listen to letters and what not to get into. Let's take a quick break, come back, do listen to letters, and then you can give us the moment the truth. Jot it down so you don't forget that's what I'm doing right now. We'll be back. We are back with Dead Ass Podcast. Back for the favorite part of the show, the list of the letters. Do you just lost my listener? Letters? Where first?

All right, go first, let me find mine? All right, they asked, y'all are so refreshing, Thank you so much. I've been on this journey with y'all for about two plus years, not sure how I ever came across y'all, and I'm always in all of the wrongness of your love and affection for one another and your family. Question. I have a newborn congratulations, a week old and a two and a half year old boy. Mom bullet, bullet yo.

I beat myself up over how I'm going to manage naps and loud noises since I have to now and before it was so much easier with one. What are pro tips for integrating a new baby into a business We just talked about this a busy house with one or more kids in the house already. I don't want to limit my tallest freedom and noise levels, but I want the new baby to get his rest in peace. How does this happen? And how I got an easy answer to this? Also, how do you manage naps when

you're up and on the go. I am the nap king, Codeine will tell you this. And I don't plan to be home all day like the first with the first boy, so I should plan to have naps in the car in public, or avoid naps when we can't stop, when we can't stop to take them. Like, thank you in advance. We are happy you made it out of your fourth delivery, happy and healthy, even post the medical emergency you had this time around. Thank you so much, so boom, this

is easy, yo, This is a real easy schedule. Easy as I say it, because schedule over here, scheduling, And part of the reason why Codinian super tired is because she's ignored scheduling because this is our last child, this is the wash belly. So she spoiled him and babied him and colaged him up a lot longer than she typically does. But the truth of the matter is, once you get these kids on the schedule, and especially boys, boys love um. They love all structure. They love structure.

So the thing I would tell you to do is, if they're both super super young, right when you put one down for a nap, put the other down for a nap and take a nap. Most parents in the middle of the day, I feel like if I I'm gonna put the kids down and get work done, you don't get work done when you're tired. So what you do is you get work done while the kids are up. When they take a nap, you take a nap, and then when the kids are up, you find a way

for them to be engaged and you get more work done. Additionally, don't be afraid to let your child cry. I did this all the time with the boys, and they're all perfectly fine. If they're fed, if they're clean, and they're happy, they can sit in that bouncer or sitting that rocker and be perfectly fine. If they want to scream because they want to be held, I guarantee you they won't scream for too long because you ain't gonna be coming back. And I used to get work done. That's that's just

the truth. Doesn't matter. Isn't at nighttime? Put them to bed at a certain time. We just went to our pediatrician and she told us, listen, if you have a newborn, do not them sleep. Do not let them sleep longer than two hours a day, two hour naps during the day, and do not them let them sleep at least two hours prior to you putting them to bed for the night. If they're over ten pounds to twelve pounds, they can sleep for up to twelve hours, and if they can

roll over, they can sleep on their stomach. Babies typically tend to sleep better on their stomach. Need to sleep in my stomach now now that my breasts are still kind of like in the middle of still being still with the nursing and stuff. But yes, I agree with you structure and I know as a as a fourth time parents, four time parents, we kind of know that

structure needs to be had. And it's a little easier for us because the older boys are on a routine because they have school, they have bedtimes and all that. So now it's just a matter of getting the baby into the routine of it. And now that we have Dakota in our room in the bassinet, she's our Preetrition was like, sis, he needs to know that the crib in his room exists. You need to get that crib set up, put him in his room, let him napping there, let him know that this is going to be my space.

Let's do bathtime routine. We'll do all that stuff in there so he knows that this is my domain. So and don't let the mommy don't let the mommy guilt get to you to where you like, let me just keep holding onto him. You're gonna have this child for eighteen more years, you know what I'm saying. My baby wearing h you can't. He can baby wear you at

that point. But what happens even with Cadee sometimes it's just like she's like, it's gonna hold him, and I'm like, yo, the more you hold him and you're you're afraid to let him go because you think that this moment ain't gonna last forever. The longer is gonna take to get him on the schedule, and you're gonna be beating yourself up when you're not getting asleep. Don't be afraid to be a mom and give him some tough love. And some of that tough love is learning how to self soothe.

You know, I talked to the boys about it all the time, even at ten and five and four. You have to self soothed and learn how to control your emotions. My guy, like, I'm not gonna coy to you. Your mom is not always gonna cor to you. Something hurt your your you know something is bothering you learn how to self soothe a little bit, and it's okay as a mom to let your baby learn how to self soothe. We were watching um speaking of balance, watch an animal

planet right me and the boys. Deer drops out of the mom boom. The mom, dear, don't run over to the baby dear and hold the baby deer and walk the baby dear. The mom sits back and the deer has to learn how to walk immediately upon coming out, and that day befalling. The legs be wobbly. That's how some ladies look at heels. O night, that's the analogy, like she walking like a baby dear. I've had my baby dear moments too, so you definitely had some baby

deal moments. Narrow as red bottoms, chill, baby deal legs. Baby, But that wasn't the heels. It was the alcohol. It is a little bit of both. We got we got two kids because of the baby deer legs. Do you like the baby deer legs? Bring it back. I didn't think it was attractive, but it wasn't the baby deal. Legs. It was your state of mind when we got home after the baby, dear legs then that I enjoyed. So that was like, that was like a notice to me, like wait a minute, like since the tap says her

knees keeping what's happening here? Alright? Focus? But yeah, So structure, structure and routine and allowing them to walk on their own like they're gonna fall, They're gonna cry, tough mama, but hanging there all right. Last one, my mom and I have never had a great relationship. She had been emotionally and sometimes physically abusive my whole life up until the point I turned eighteen and off to college in a different state. I'm twenty five now, and I've been

completely fine with not having a relationship with her. However, my older brother passed away January six one, sorry to hear that, and now my mother's only my only my mother's only living child. It's been hard for us all and my mother and we lean on each other a lot to get through it in the beginning. The problem I'm struggling with now is that I have no interest

in rebuilding our relationship. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to get over whatever problems I have, because right now she needs me, but I've been having a very hard time doing that. She has shown that she has no desire to hold herself accountable, which is what I said before for the ship she put me through when I was younger, and I have no desire to move

forward until she does. But the empathetic side of me keeps reminding me that losing a child's one of the worst things that can happen to a parent, and that I should make an effort to move forward at the expense of my personal boundaries and mental health. It feels like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, and this mental battle I'm having with myself is really weighing on me. What do you guys, What would you guys do in this situation. I'm really interested to hear

your perspective as parents, so any advice is appreciated. I can't relate to mom because she's not owning up to the things that she's put you through as a parent, I mean as a child, um, so that would just be hard for me in general. Whereas with us, we try to be accountable with the things that we do or say to our children and see how they feel

about it, and then talk things out. But again, if you are twenty five, that means you're probably from the generation of parenting where mom is not willing to talk about or admit any wrong. Um, even though in her mind she may have been doing these things for quote unquote your own sake. Um, that's not the way you received it. So just the way I feel, there's only one person in your life, or one type of person that is deserving of you sacrificing your mental health to

help them, and that's your children. Because your children are here at your pleasure. They're here because you asked them to be here. Anybody else, your spouse, your parents, your brother, your sister, your uncle, your aunt, no one else is deserving of you sacrificing your mental health for them to feel better. Like that's there's there's just there's no room for that. There is no room for that. Only person is your child because that person, that child, doesn't have

the mental capacity. And then it comes to point when that child is an adult, and then at that point, that child no longer deserves for you to sacrifice your mental health for that person's embetterment. But when they were a child, when they were a child, yes, once they get to and I'm not evenna say eighteen because eighteen is still a baby. Um, I would say mid twenties. Once you get to their mid twenties. No, bro, you you you, I'm not. You have all of your faculties.

You have to figure that out. And I'm no longer sacrificing my mental health to make you feel better about yourself. That's how I feel about it. With everybody, with everybody across the board there, and that's gonna leave me. That's gonna lead me to my moment of truth. So all right, let's do that. Well, I mean, if you want to be featured as one of our list of letters, email us at as advice at gmail dot com. That's D E A d A S S A d V I C at gmail dot com. This leads me right into

the moment of truth. I wrote it down. Moment of truth. Family often uses the titles given inset family to validate poor behavior. For example, somebody will do something to you and know they're wrong and you and they expect you to just deal with it, you know what they say. But I'm your mom, you know what I'm saying. But we were family, were cousins? What does that mean? You get to violate me on a regular basis, And because we're family, I gotta take it. Family typically is responsible

for doing that. Friends don't friends don't do that. Co workers don't do that. There's no other place in your life that people will do funked up shipped to you and then say stuff like but were blood were family? We ain't supposed to know? No, no, no, no no. Let's normalize not allowing family members to use their titles to violate us, and let's hold them accountable. Very good, very very good. No, I completely agree. I didn't even

think about that. But like the title on how much that weighs on this hierarchy of like what the family system and dynamic is and who deserves what based off of that. The the hierarchy in the dynamic often determines who gets to do the violating. What I'm saying if I fall that, but the way you said it was perfect.

When people fall higher on that hierarchy of family, they feel like they can violate people and it's just like, well I'm an aunt, it's just yeah, and it's just whatever it is I can just I can then disrespect you because I'm your aunt, I'm your you know whoever, whoever the case may be, We we doing that no more.

Protect your peace at the end of the day, and just realize that the same way you would no longer be in a friendship with someone because they do some funked up ship, the same way that you will leave a job because that environment is a toxic environment. I feel like you can use your discretion the family accordingly. Absolutely, It's just where we're at with things nowadays, y'all. So be sure to find us on social media at dead

ask the podcast and you know where to find me. Codeine, I am not codinum, codeine, I am and I am devoted. If you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review, and subscribe to share this episode with a family member

that might need to get the picture. Don't be afraid to share these episodes, y'all, and let people just tune in and chiming, put it in their family group chats, you know, and all that stuff, so people could be like, oh, Okay, maybe this might be worth starting a conversation or discussion

to see where it goes from there. Dead as dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the Podcasts and Never Miss a Thing