Don’t Lose Yourself In Love

more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead As is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take Pillow Talk to a whole new level. Dead As starts right now. This is going to be

I'm gonna say after. This was after football. This was after the gym, not even say after Jim. This is during the moment of the gym. Right. I was at this point in my life. I was about to turn thirty and I had to make a decision, right, because I really wanted to do TV film, but I had spent the last three years trying to build the gym's worth so that I could support my family financially while

chasing my dream. And I got to a point where I was like, you know what, I have to learn how to duplicate myself and relinquish some of these responsibility so I can go for what I really want to. So I remember it was January two thousand and fourteen, because I was about to turn thirty and I had decided that I was going to focus solely on being the best version of myself as opposed to being the best husband for the family. Right, So I decided that

I was going to take a pay cut. I decided to hire Dollo two take my position in pact Plex. I hired my homeboy came All to help him as a program director, and I sacrificed approximately five k a month to hire them as a program directors on top of paying the five thousand a month rent to pack Plex to help the business grow. And I did that for the first half of the year in order to transition into focusing on TV film and what I got from that was booking two national commercials. Remember those I

booked my first co star. I booked my first co star, I believe with power and end up becoming or Mari Hard with stunt double and ultimately put myself in a position to then become the actor you see today because I didn't in that moment, say what is best for just the family. I had to say what is best

for Devour in this moment, and what what? And in that moment, what would have been easy for me to say, well, you know what, let me continue to put all my energy into the gym so that I could continue to just be what my family needed financially. But I knew spiritually that I wasn't in a good place because I

wasn't searching, I wasn't pursuing my purpose. And once I pursued my purpose, I became a better husband, I became a better father, and in turn became a better all around man for everyone involved because I focused on what I needed to do as opposed to putting all of the family's needs in the forefront, and and in turn helped the family because it allowed me to create make more money and the develop another stream of revenue through the arts so I love you for that, Yes, And

I love you for giving me the latitude to focus on that and believing me in that process. Because, as you guys know, anytime I started a new venture, which means I had a new program director at different times, whenever there was a transition, who was the buffer for the transition? Kay was so absolutely as a story as a story as you hear Dakoda in the background as a story continues to unfold, any time I had to do something for myself, Kay was always the biggest supporter

me myself and not it so like God. And it's what I found out and it ain't know me to cry. Now, I'm gonna be my own best friend. Yes, Yes, until you find the best friend who allows you to be the individual that you were destined to be, and y'all just happen to grow together as individuals. Fact facts. Well, let's let's take a quick break. Let's uh, you know, take a quick break or pay some bills when we come back, let's dive into this story and let's talk

a little bit about what that felt like. Because we have a lot of listener letters who asked us this very question. So let's kind of dive into the story when we come back. Okay, So let me explain to you why I felt like this story was important. So many men and women say to me, I saw how you changed your dreams, and you were condeed changed your dreams. Um At what point did you decide that you were going to go after what you wanted instead of just

doing what felt right in the moment? And I had to sit back and ask myself, like about what was it? Because it's scary, right. I remember when I was playing in the NFL, I said to tell myself, I said, you know, once I make that first quarter million dollars and I have some financials to purity, the game will become easier because I won't be stressed with living paycheck to paycheck and hoping that I don't get cut from

week to week. And that stress never relieved itself because I wasn't pursuing my passions, or even when I made beyond a courter million dollars, I never enjoyed the process of playing football because football was always a means to an end. It was never the end for me. So during that time, I realized that I have to pursue my passion regardless of how much money I make or el so I won't be happy. And Codeine went through

a similar thing in two thousand and seven. Um I was making a ton of money, she didn't have to work, and she came to me one day and she had said, you know, I think I'm going to go back to New York. And I was like, why why would you go back to New York? Like we you know, we just got here. I know I'm on PU people. We spend a lot of time together and making good money. And she said to me, she said, I just don't want to be a living girlfriend and I want to

focus on pursuing my dreams and TV. That was definitely it. And also too, I had to have justification for telling my family that I was coming to live with my boyfriend in Michigan. And yeah, that part, but no, a lot of it was that too. I say that in jest, but I did have to. I was looking to find a job. I just didn't want to be at home. I was used to having and getting everything taken care of, and you being kept did not make you happy. It

didn't make me happy. It did not make me happy, particularly in that moment, because I was coming off of being UM in school for years. I finally got my master's degree and I was like, all right, this, this is it, this is the real world. I was looking forward to putting on my big girl panties and just being the woman that I felt like I was supposed to be. UM. That part of which was a large part of it was starting my career UM, and then simultaneously trying to do that while supporting you in a

time when you needed that support the most. UM. But I'll never forget also to even dial them back to when we first started dating eighteen nineteen and your mom, UM and my mom as well too, in different moments that encouraged us to be individuals and we didn't understand it in that moment because we were just still in love.

But at the same time too, we saw value in it as we got older, because we're like, Wow, how are we able to even be what we need for each other if we didn't understand who we were, if we weren't working towards what was really going to fulfill us, UM, to be the partner that we each needed out of each other. So UM. So yeah, that moved into Michigan and me being at home with you while you were out there. I kind of felt like he was like,

this guy's out here living his dream. Although I know the NFL wasn't your dream per se, but in that moment, in the present moment, at the time, I know that that was your goal. Your goal was to be the best detroit lyon you could be UM, And I kind of felt like I was at home not helping. To add to that, I felt like my value was not just gonna be UM, only encompassed by me being at home to greet you when you got home from a

game or practice. I kind of wanted something tangible to stand off for myself, to say, Sis, you've been in school for the past of years of life. What are you doing to make yourself a better person? What are you doing to advance your career. Yes, your boyfriend makes all this money now, but he's at that time just your boyfriend. Let's be real. You weren't my husband, UM. I was not entitled to anything that you brought through that door. We had no joint accounts, although you did

take very good care of me. But it was a thing where for that security that I wanted for myself, especially starting to establish myself as a young woman, I felt like I needed that in order to be um the person I was supposed to be. But that also didn't change when we got married and had joined accounts. Like exactly, you just that was my mindset then, but yeah, that was your mindset then. But when we got married and had joined accounts and I was still taking care

of you, you didn't feel anymore. You felt more security because you knew that we were in this together, but you still felt unfulfilled because you weren't chasing your purpose the same way I felt unfulfilled because I was making good money, owning the gym and training people and doing all of those things, and even I felt good providing for my family, but I still would wake up some mornings and just felt empty. And in that moment, I decided, like I have to. I'm I'm turning thirty. There's no

more putting it off, there's no more next year. I'm going to or I'm gonna do it when I reached this milestone. What people often do is say like I do. I say, well, once I reached this number and you get yourself a barometer, then you say, then I'm going to right, And then what happens is is that kind of gives you a little bit of space to where you say, well, I haven't reached the number yet, so I don't have to take that leap of faith, right, But then you move the post right, But finally you

reach the number. Now I've reached the number and there's no more excuses. And once you've hit the number and you moved the goal post, so many times you have to face the piper bro like like, I want to do something else, so I'm not going to be happy. And when I finally focused on being what I wanted to be in life is when the world started to open up for me and my heart became a lot less heavy because I was doing what I wanted to do.

No I appreciate Sorry, Can I just tell you quick what I appreciated about you going back to your story time real quick. I don't think we touched on that coming out of it. What I appreciated was in the moments where you were focusing on yourself and you may have felt like I'm not being the best husband right now, or I'm not being the best father right now. I never felt that, and being with somebody who you can at least say, all right, this person is like on

their own path right now. I know I have to kind of take the back seat some days. I just never ever felt like a back seat driver at the time. I always felt like I was alongside you, And I appreciate you for that looking back, because things could have really went south with us that we did have rough patches during that time, because we were trying to get our footing. You know, we were still in Brooklyn, hustling,

trying to make all the things happen. Um. But it's easy to say I'm trying to work on myself and then you really just kind of nose dive into yourself and forget about what's happening around you. Um. But you definitely found a way to just finess that where I just never felt like, you know, yes you worked a lot of hours, Yes you were gone a lot, but I always felt like it was for us. Yeah, I mean, I mean everything is for you, But even even the story time was me being a better version of myself

for y'all. So I guess that's probably why you never felt that way. Because once you choose to be married, like we always talk about, you choose to be of service, right so everything I was doing, I was doing with the mindset like I have to do this so that I can be better for them. And at the time, this was before Cairo Kaz in Dakota, it was just you and Jackson, and I remember specifically when it clicked

to me. At the time, I was waking up super early and training Daniel Gene had to train, had to be at the gym at five o'clock, remember, which means I had to be up at four or fifteen just to be ready to go to the gym, right and then my last client were my prototype Moms at nine o'clock, so I didn't get done until ten o'clock at night. So it'll be ten o'clock at night. You and I would drive back circle for parking, uh, finally get Jackson

to bed. Didn't really have time for ourselves. I had to be up at four o'clock to go train Jane Daniel Jean, then come back home take Jackson to school, and I just I just felt like I didn't have enough time to be president at home. So the push for me to do what I needed for myself was and we talked about this too. If you had to describe wealth in one word, it's time. I needed more time, and the only way I could get more time for my family was to find a way to turn my

passion into my paycheck. This way, I could make more money doing what I love in less amount of time. Like I didn't, I knew I couldn't survive working sixteen hours a day, you know, go you know pay, you know, taking client after client after client, and doing class after class after class. It was extremely luca lucrative for us, extremely lucrative. But I couldn't last that way. And you and I during that time, remember this was coming out

of Jackson. We were struggling as a married couple because this was the first five years of our marriage. And I think this was year four, and you and I were like on the brink of not knowing whether or not this was going to be a forever thing. You know, we always talked about, you know, knowing now that divorces off the table. But in that moment year four, I was unhappy because I wasn't living in my purpose. Codeine

wasn't living in her purpose. She was doing makeup, and as much as she loved makeup, that's not what she really wanted to do. So we were both living and existing for the marriage, which sounds crazy, right. If you do everything right, if you do everything for the marriage or everything that's supposed to make the marriage better, you feel like you'll be happy until you're not happy. So you're working in an industry where you're not happy because

you're helping make bring more money into the house. I'm working in an industry than I'm not happy because I'm bringing more money in the house. We're both making more money, we're able to do the things that we want to do, and we're both unhappy because we're not living in our purpose. And that's where individuality comes in. I'm gonna go to this um quote from the psychoanalysts Eric from once wrote in love, the paradox occurs that two beings become one

and yet remained too. When two people fall in love, they experienced themselves and each other as separate individuals with distinct identities and their own identities, interests, and friends. Their individuality makes them interesting to each other. But often making a commitment to your spouse often inadvertently comes at the at the cost of your commitment to yourself. But how do you put yourself first without neglecting your spouse. Man,

that question right there is Listen, that's so deep. There's a there's a balancing act because how many times have you, for example, said that you felt like I was only thinking about you myself and not you, when in turn, I feel like all I do is think about you and not myself. And how does that translate for couples. I'm sure that's a lot of times. But people have the utmost expectation or the intent to make their spouse feel like they're number one on the list of things

to do. But is it always received that way? Probably not? Probably not, because I know that's been a lot of our issues over the years, feeling as if I am number one in your life and not just saying that the person is number one in your life. Well, I think what the first step is acknowledging that I have to continue to be an individual because my wife fell in love with me and the individual, right, She didn't fall in love with the guy that was trying to

conform to be what she needed. She fell in love with the individual. And it's it's realizing that. Right, there's an old myth, right, one of my uncle's. I'm not going to say which one was, Just like, if you want to keep your wife on her toes, don't come home the same time every night, because once you become too predictableity, yes, once you become too predictable, then it becomes boring, you know. And once it becomes boring, then

it's just like it's lost his fire. And I never understood what he meant in that, But now I really understand what he meant. It's like, you live your life every single day, but my wife wants this, my wife wants this, my wife needs just my wife needs that, and we constantly talk about being of service. Right, that can become boring because now you become predictable and the fact that your wife always knows that you're focused on her needs. Right, But DEVO also has to invest in Devo.

You fell in love with devow, the DEVO that chased his dreams, the devou that chased his own ambitions, the VOW that had his own free thoughts, not the DEVO that just said whatever his wife wanted him to say. But how often do we watch couples and now it's like they've merged into one being and there's no individual thoughts between the two, Like they sit down and you're like,

they literally repeat each other all the time. Literally and also too for us, I think it's difficult because we've built a brand around de valin Codeine, so we've even had the conversation even with our manager recently, like, hey, people have to still understand that Devalin Codinies are the elis is with the children and we're married, but we're also separate entities. We need to be addressed as such,

we need to be compensated as such. Um, how many times have you achieved something and people are like congratulations Codeine and Deval you know, all the time, all the time. So but what let me throw a monkey wrench. I guess into this scenario, you fall in love with an individual the way they are, and you want them to be that individual. But what happens when that individual over time changes or grows and it's no longer that person

that you fell in love with. Does that become a deal breaker or do you work with the individual that person is becoming for the greater good of staying united as too? Well, I can't speak for everyone else, but you are not anywhere remotely close to the person I twenty years ago. You you are not like, yeah, there's definitely pros and cons, But I've also fell in love with the idea of continuously getting to know who you are. Because people of to ask, right, how do y'all keep

things spicy? Well, I don't know Codeine like I knew her at eighteen, So it would be in my best interest to continue to date Codeine even in twelve years of marriage, twenty years of being in a relationship, so I can get to know like, oh she's into this now you know old snaps, she's not into that any longer. And those things continuously pique my interests. But also it allows me to find different ways too. I don't want to say impress you, but to keep your attention. That's

how you keep the fire up. Right, understanding that my wife is an individual, and understanding that as an individual, I have to continuously fight for her attention. I have to continuously you know what I'm saying, And you do that in the dating process. And that's what's fun about dating. Right, You pick up your phone, you text that person, and how long is it gonna take this person? Text back? Absolutely, let me see if they're available for dinner tonight. Oh

they're not. Available tonight. Maybe they're available touesday. Let me wait like that whole. The anxiety that comes from seeing if this person is going to be deliberate about spending time with you during the dating process is what makes it fun. The same thing has to happen when you're married. Right, If I already know I want to come home, They're gonna have dinner at seven, she's gonna put on the same shorts. She's gonna fall asleep watching this movie and

hope for something to happen. You know what I'm saying. It's not gonna happen. We're going to think about it. If that becomes what life is because you two have become so predictable to each other and last your individuality, it's going to be a rap. Absolutely. How do we lose ourselves in relationship? That's substical thing. Let's talk about

how we lose ourselves in relationships. So in the dating phase, we often present the best, right and the most attentive, okay version of ourselves in order to win the affection of our part So we are performing right, and then in turn, our spouse does not recognize the parts of us that are not in service to them. Many of us learned that being in a relationship with a romantic partner, we need to make certain sacrifices and compromises all the time.

Sometimes we feel the need to hide a part of ourselves that may not be acceptable in order to meet society's expectations. Here we go worry about whatever it is society's expectation of what a successful relationship should be. And some people even hide parts of themselves from their spouse or not feel able to express their true selves in their relationships. So these are a couple of things that will help you to lose yourself in relations So people

perform in order to be in a relationship. For example, we talked about this with the high value men high value women. Things right, So it's like, Okay, I want to keep this person because I like them, so let me perform what I think they are seeking in a spouse or in a partner as opposed to being who I really am. So now you spend all of your time performing to being someone else. That what happens when you perform, you get you get tired. You're just doing it.

You're doing it, But before you get tired, you lose yourself. Do I really like doing this? Do I like going to these places? Do I want to hear this music? And after a while you kind of like yo, like I never noticed this too was so annoying people. She's a people watching she watched people eat like she's just a person that sits there and holds her so she can hear you too, And then be like, y, why you choose so loud that it maybe that we're chooing

simultaneously and you're just a little louder than me. And I'm like, who focus is on that observation? To me? The food be so good, I'll be focused on the food. Then I look up and can't be looking at me while I eat your food? Stop watching me? Oh my god? Any Who, back to the topic at hands. Um, we just did. We just did how we lose ourselves in relationships. So you just heard how we lose ourselves. Okay, then

there's four reasons we lose ourselves in relationships. Instead of looking to oneself, one looks at their partner to figure out what they need or want. Right, that's a codependency, you know. Um, hey, babe, where you want to go to eat? I don't know what do you want to go to eat. It's like you just you want to fit in so much with your partner that you just do everything they want to do that ultimately you become them.

You know, We've seen this with some of our friends, saying, some of our friends, you meet them, they dating the Jamaican girl. They love reggae right in Puerto Rican and now they love Tito pint this. It's like, dude, when did you ever start listening to Tito point days? But now now you're a full blown Puerto Rican Like that's that happens to people, you know what I'm saying. They just want to be what their partner so much they

just take on all of their lights in their culture. Okay, Number two, lacking the confidence to take care of oneself. This happens a lot, right You meet someone and you thank you fall in love, or you fall in love and you get complacent with who you are and you're like, oh, this person loves me the way I am, and then you no longer take care of yourself the way you did when you were saying, and then you just let

yourself very damaging art. It's just even me um after children, we talked about this postpartum and stuff like, I just want to be back to myself for who I feel most comfortable as in the body I feel the most comfortable in. And I feel like I owe it to my husband for him to get as close to his eighteen year old girlfriend back as possible at You know, if we don't get this, could being transparent? Right? Be transparent?

I'm not interested in the eighteen year mm hmm, I'm not not even physically and pounds prime candeine is around one. You've gained ten pounds in the right places with every child, Thank you for that. So if we're being honest, I'm not looking for the one nineteen all right road a little easier to travel yall Now that that's you know, I got you, I got you, Okay. So um, where

we are number three? Feeling powerless to make changes? Therefore, over dependence on your partners in your partner sets in, right. So you get into a relationship and say you have a partner that's just overbearing, right and they just want to control everything, and you just let that go. Love this person. I want to be with this person, so whatever they say goes. That's an easy way to lose yourself and that's not a gender trait. I've seen that from men and women that some people just like, Hey,

my partner's overbearing, the overpowering. I love being with them, so whatever they do, I'll I'll conform to them, you know, absolutely. And number four overpleasing their partner even when it feels wrong. Now you know what I noticed with all of these things, they all come from a lack of confidence individuals. It seems like it is a weak mindset because most people who feel like they can't find their peace and find themselves feel like they'll find their peace in someone else.

So if I'm attached to someone else, or if I'm in proximity to someone else that claims me as theirs, that's all I need to be validated as a person. And that feeling is fleeting. Is fleeting because someone can validate you by choosing you in the beginning, but then once that has worn off, it's like, I don't really care if this person uses me anymore, you know what

I'm saying, Like I gotta to choose myself. Or if you get into a relationship with someone who's like a chronic narcissist, that's just like, oh, I'm gonna take over this whole person's being or whatever, and I'm gonna be whatever they need me to be. Sometimes that's that's a whole candle worms. No no, no, no, no, that's not

a candle worms. Because narcissists often find themselves with people with low selves exactly because narcissists typically have low self esteem, and their narcissism is typically a defense mechanism to mask the fact that they don't feel as highly about themselves as they present, so they find someone else with a lower self esteem to feel better about them and end up controlling and praying on them, you know what I'm saying.

So it's important to notice. It's important to note that in order to go into a relationship and be healthy, how you feel about yourself has to be of the utmost important. Like it can't be after the fact I figured this out. You have to be strong. You have to feel strongly about yourself to say, you know what, I am ready to be in a relationship and not lose who I am to be with this person. I just want to share who I am with this person

and create a life together. That's exactly why our moms are telling us to chill the funk out at eighteen. They were like, y'all, I don't know what about yourself as much as somebody else. We don't know about boundaries, we don't know what we want to establish with ourselves much as anybody else. So that totally totally makes sense now, So what we're encouraging our kids to do take your time. So we are encouraging our kids to take our time. But I did also say this to my son we

were talking. He has he has a little friendly like we have a friend. I'm not gonna say a girlfriend because they're young each other and they do have an affinity for each other and they're a loving but I appreciate him being you know, he courts her because he for Valentine's Day, he got her something for Valentine's Day, and you know, he's thinking about her birthday, what she would like, and he's worrying about being a gentleman and stuff like That's what I like because he sees what

I do for you. But then there's also as a dad saying like, hey, make sure you're with someone who was reciprocating those things, and you're not only doing those things just to be affirmed by that person. You're doing them because you want to do it, not because you're seeking that person's approval, right, and then going to the

goodness out of his heart. But then we came up with this model, right, and you can never let someone's looks um maybe a reason how you control the way you move, right, So just because you like someone and they're cute, right, there are a lot of cute, pretty assholes, right, and yes, men and women, and this is the model that he came up with. And I said, I couldn't think of the words because he's eleven. I was trying

to find a way to make it make sense. So I said, you know, you should never let a pretty asshole and he goes control my emotions and I said, yes, yes, you should never let a pretty asshole control your emotions. And he was just like, She's like, so the moral of the story is I should never let anyone, no matter what they look like or who they are, make me feel a certain way about myself. I said, yes, Jackson, Yes, I said, And that's not just for pretty people other people.

That's even for me and your mom. No one else outside of Jackson shouldn't be able to control Jackson's emotions. No one else outside of Jackson should make Jackson feel a way about themselves. But I do know how it is for young men when you find that woman that you just attracted to and she's pretty, but that person may be toxic, and then you let that person control how you move because you're so concerned about being with that person that you lose the things that you're Yes,

you know what I'm saying. So it starts from a young age and also teaching young people to believe in themselves and have that high self esteem. Don't walk into any situation saying I have to change or be a certain way. And this is why I kid you not if I had a daughter, because women have been socially conditioned to do this since the dawn of time. If you want a man, if you want to marry a king, if you want this, you have to present yourself a

certain way. Right. What was the show we watched? The brig All of the the whole show is about how women have to present their certain way to seek the approval of men in high society. And if I had a daughter, man teach her about not conforming to the will of a man like yo like, because that's how you lose yourself because you're just like, Okay, well men

like this, so let me like this. You know, I remember there was an episode of I think it was Saved by the Bell or or it might have been the Fresh Prince episode, because you know I watched all those. It was it was First Prince and Hillary was teaching Ashley how to get the guy that she likes attention. So Hillary had her dress like her and she was like, you have to go because you know men like you and aren't too smart. So anything he says, you gotta, you gotta go. And I was like, I wish somebody

would tell my daughter to do that. Now I get it. It It wasn't jest and it was front of it, but I wish I would tell my daughter to dumb herself down or act a certain way to seek the approval of a guy. You know what I think helped me, I guess in a weird kind of way, now that you mentioned it. Type way. Um, having had a family or parents who were not proponents of me dating and being this way and acting this way for men and all that stuff kind of put me out there organically

to be myself else. And I went out there, I guess into the world, I should say, not really trying to act a certain kind of way or trying to pull a certain kind of man or so that in turn allowed me to organically be myself. And that's what organically attracted me to you. And we just worked because there wasn't a facade. I mean, granted, we were younger,

so we weren't necessarily looking for this too. But imagine if I was conditioned or trained or as into being some kind of person because that's what society expects or men expect. You're absolutely right, your mom and I remember from your mom never raised you or Sakari to act a certain way to get a man. Your mom's oh, your mom used to always be like, even even when we when I was in the NFL, cann what are you gonna do? She still does that to this day.

But I'm saying to Vale, you booked a show, your own show. All that's amazing. So Cadeine, what are you doing with your life today? You know it's literally the same thing. But to go back to you're saying, I think that that's really what kind of drew me to you. I never felt like you were putting on to be part of who devours what drew me to you was

that it was like, Wow, look at this girl. She wants to be on TV and she's our a and she's you know, she she wears heels and she doesn't follow everybody else because at that time, the girl's our age all had on Jordan's and they were wearing tight jeans and polo shirts, and they, you know, they would dress a certain way. But you came and you had on heels and you had on yea, and I was just like, yo, she she doesn't act like everyone else.

She's different. That individuality is what drew me to you, because it were it wasn't like you were even performing for society standards of what a woman or a young woman should be. It just seemed like you were comfortable

being in your own skin. Absolutely, And I think but my parents, of course, they'd still just like basic core values and stuff like that that I had naturally, But I just never felt the need to have to perform or put on on to gain the likes you know, of men or women, you know, to to to make friends, per se, and to attract a certain kind of man.

So I think that might have actually been helpful because I was we've spoken on the converse side of that of how I didn't necessarily feel prepared for marriage or relationships and stuff like that. Um that I have to give credit to my parents for using me to be an individual and being adamant about that. My mom to shout out to my mom, Karen, my mom, she was. She was big on teaching us how to court women.

She was the job, big on teaching us about giving gifts and being intentional and and being deliberate and also being thoughtful. Right, but she was also big on letting us know that we were a catch. My mom always used to be like, you're a devout. You don't have to conform to anybody. I remember going through my moments in high school or junior high school when a girl, it's a hard time. My mom being there and being one to be like, you know what, no man I

care about these little girls. Say you go and do what you gotta do, and you and and she always spoke power into me so that I never felt like I had to seek the approval of another young woman to feel better about myself. My mom really spoke. And then you know, they say, your mom is a boy's always your first crush, right, but my I always went to my mom, always spoke power in me and always made me feel like I was good enough on my own.

So that didn't only help me with relationships, that helped me with friend groups Like I never felt like I had to join the gang or be a part of this group or be accepted right, I was a loner. Like when we looked at the my high school yearbook, there was always groups of people. You didn't see devout in any one group of anything. You saw devout in

this group here, that group here. Because I didn't hang out with just this group and to feel accepted, I was fine comfortable walking alone, you know what I'm saying. And to this day, I feel like we're still the same way as individuals like neither one of us. For example, we moved to a new place. We're here Georgia. We could easily assimilate into a particular click or crowd because it is very clickly out here, and we're just kind of like we're good. You were in our quarter. Yeah,

absolutely cool. Let's talk about how to maintain your difference. To maintain setting boundaries, set boundaries. Healthy relationships rarely place importance some power and control, So set boundaries and setting boundaries should be an acceptable way to maintain your sense of ine individuality, which I said earlier, boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. Okay, Prentice, are the distance at which I can love you and

me simultaneously? That? Wow? You know what? When we did the podcast, it was years ago, Prentice, rules are made to be broken, and how you and I don't believe in setting rules right? Like? I think one of the listener letters were about is your spouse allowed to have friends of the opposite sex? And you and I both were like, what kind of like? What kind of relationship are you in where you have to set a boundary

on who your spouse can be friends with. If you don't trust who your spouse is going to be within, why are they your spouse? Right? Plus, no one wants to be confined to someone else's ideas of what's right or wrong. I have to set my own moral code. You have to say your own moral code, and if our moral codes aligned, then we can work well in life together. If they don't, we don't need to be together.

But I'm not gonna let you, as an individual tell me how I'm supposed to behave and I, as an individual, don't even feel the need. You just went away with your home girls bikinis, And of course I always get d M s and I was like, Yo, your girl out here, spread out, you know, you let your girl go away with her friend like they could be doing anything.

And I'm just like, there are people out here who really feel like your your significant others should not spend any time away with you, whether it's with the same sex or different sex. Ridiculous. And that's my check. I got one daddy, Marson Joe. Dad definitely got you have you have one father, but definitely your daddy. Okay, in serious, No daddy, I'm shout out to the man's shout out to the man, but I really cannot. And I was like, I would like because I don't open d M often.

But when I said, what do you mean, like, can you explain it to it, It's just like, nah, Yo, this is his voice in my mind. Nay, my girl not going on vacation with another woman taking bikini pigs. So then my response was, do you want her to go on vacation with another guy to take borkini pigs? No, she's not going on vacation with nobody else period. Wow. So it had nothing to do with the sex of who wherever the other person is. You just want to have so much control over your girl and girl around

for the hills. Who is he? Right? And I'm just like and I'm like, dude, do you have a girl? Right? Yeah, we've been together for three years? I said, cool, your girl. I actually I said, your girl only goes where you want her to go. He said yes, And I said, so you only go where your girl wants you to go. He said no, that's different. So so I get it

control and I can't. I couldn't understand it until he described it that when I said, what it really is is control insecurities, and then I we had we had it back and forth. I said, let me, what's your girls? I g a right, So he sends me as girls, very attractive woman, right, if you ask me, she's dating down okay, And I saw where the insecurity comes from. He's afraid that she can go find someone better or quote unquote more handsome, right, based on his own insecurity. Right.

So in order to control or protect himself, it's I gotta put these boundaries so that she doesn't do, and I'm like, let me not expose her too much to the world because something might happen me while my husband over here paid for my air fear book the photographer and was like, have a good time because I can't control I can't control what you do either way. If I keep you in this house you want to, I don't want to. But imagine I kept you in this house that you can't leave. Then I go to work.

You know what you're gonna do. Call somebody over here when I'm not like it. Let's be honest, like what somebody does like you just can't Like I just I love to me the greatest feelings knowing that the person that's next to me chooses me here, that that's it you want to be. That's the greatest feeling, not obligated like I just I love that feeling. Understanding about about boundaries and absolutely setting boundaries. That was the main one.

On top maintaining interests that are important to you before becoming involved in your relationship. So keeping up with those same things you like to do you used to like to do, don't stop them, don't stop them, keep up with friendships that are important to you. When you were single. Yes, how many times have we seen two, for example, two girlfriends or a group of girlfriends say this, three four of them and then they all hang in, they canootle land.

They're single, everyone's having a grand old time. Somebody finds a man. It's a somebody finds a man. Then all of a sudden, Yeah, she is very awkward. There's a little bit of tension, you know, she she does, she's forgot about it. She forgot about us. She's that's been different. She's all into her man. And then it's just like, how well, how is she supposed to be if she has a man? Now? However, however, you found a man that's cute and all, but you still had your girlfriend's

who were hanging with before that. So are we going to vv you up that time? So now that was the big thing, is the time giving up the time? When you're all single, you have nothing but time to spend with each other. But now when you guys are planning a girl's trip and she's dating someone, there may be a conflict of time. If she had a trip

or something planned with her boyfriend. That doesn't mean that you always have to choose your boyfriend, but Now, when you're in a relationship and you're being deliberate about your own time, you're gonna have to take a little bit of time from some other places. And I think a lot of times your friends friends groups forget that, especially if they're not in a relationship. It's like, what you mean, you can't come or you gotta check in. It's not

about checking in. It's about maybe we had plans, or maybe we're starting to get to learn each other, so we're investing more time free time with each other and not with you. Or maybe I'm trying to be a responsible partner and just let someone know about But that doesn't mean you can no longer spend times with your friends groups. I still go out with my guys. I still if before COVID, still went on guide trips. We still go go out and get drinks. When my friends

come into town. We still go out and do all of the same things that we used to do. Now there is a respect factor there. Right when I was single. When I was single, we would go to the strip club. We would go to the club, and it'd be a different type of mingling. Now when we go, they already know. And when you have good friends groups. They know where you are in your life. So my friends groups don't ever hit me up now and be like, Yo, we're

going to the strip your friend exactly. And they also know Listen, de Val can't be seen at the strip club right now, like he's married, he's a public figure, Like he just can't be in a strip club acting crazy. That's just not what he's about. Yo, Let's go to a lounge. That doesn't mean that we don't spend time, but it's also your friends group understands that you know he's in a different places life. He's not Singley'll three exactly. Y'all three go to strip club when it's just y'all,

but when y'all going to a lounge hit me. Don't be afraid to alter plans to include said friend who may be in a relationship. Also, that decision to not go to ship clubs never came from codein saying you can't go to ship clubs, because I used to still go to ship clubs. I just have a problem with if he told me he was going to night, I'd be like, alright, yeah, I'm not a strip club guy like me and used to go to ship clubs together. And it was fun during that time and where we

were in our life. But now I'm just not it's not into it, Like that's just not right. And then to piggyback, then that statement was um to support your partner in maintaining those friendships that are important to him or her before knowing you exactly. That's why Codino always if she's going on the girl's trip, she's going to do something. I'm always like, all right, just let me know when I got to get the kids, or let's

figure out planning for parenting when you're not here. But there's never a point where it's like you're my wife, now you can only do these things. It's just never been that for us. It shouldn't be for anyone. Partnership that is healthy enough to support your intivid individuality will include the following a high level of trust, mutual respect, and friendship check check um. Plenty of room for each person to maintain their individuality. Each person allows the other

as much space as they need. Check Ways to help make it safe for each partner to increase their sense of intimacy and vulnerability. Let's talk about the ways ways to help it. Ways to help make it safe for each partner to increase their sense of intimacy and vulnerability. This is what's important to me. Right, when you're getting to know someone in the beginning of the relationship, intimacy and vulnerability is probably minimal because when you don't really

know someone, how can you be intimate? Now, may have sex, but you may not be intimate right, and you may talk about stuff, but you still may not be vulnerable because you have a guard up. But increasing intimacy and vulnerability has less to do with the fizzical physical act of sex and more about the openness to be who you are and say what you need and being comfortable to be received that way. So intimacy, for example, we

joke about this all the time. Is my wife comes out of the shower, she doesn't have makeup on, she puts on her bonnet, and she still comes in the room and lays on my chest, and she feels comfortable being her most authentic self around me. That to me is intimacy, you know what I'm saying. That to me is being vulnerable. Right, even when you have sex. Imagine you meet a girl, she don't never take a shower by your house because she knows she don't want to

take that makeup off. She don't ever take her wig off. And y'all come over, and y'all have sex consistently in a full head of wig and a full face of makeup. That's not intimate to me. That's the physical act of having sex. Same thing for a dude, right, dude, don't ever come by you unless you got the line up with the Beijing. You know what I'm saying. He got his beard and handsome. You know what I'm saying, because God's got their tricks. They do too what I'm saying.

Or he may be bold. He don't ever take his hat off around you. I mean, even when y'all have sex. You keep on his socks in his hat the fresh ball, because he don't. He don't got the fresh balls, you know what I'm saying. His feet may not be dune like. Dudes have the things they do too. They keeping the socks on, keeping you gotta keep your feet fucked up. Keep the socks on in that woman's house, all right, don't you don't you let them dogs out. Don't let

the dogs out when you first met him. But when you intimate, you intimate socks. Come on, be vulnerable in these toes. You know what I'm saying, that hack come off. You ain't got no line up. The baldy ain't shining on the side. It's kind of dull on the side, but it's shining at the top. You got the colder sack. That's intimacy. When you want the chick lets you smack, you got on her bonnet, and you got the colder

sat rocking. That's like, let's do it together, baby, Let's do together, because let's love each other and have a colder sect to some of your women be having cold the sacs under that. It's fine. It's fine living the cold set. You know, it's there's nothing wrong with that. I canze with the cold sat in the sack, with the cold set, with the cold set, in the set with the code in the second, with the cold sat in the set. Grow up, girl, I'm trying. I'm trying trying.

Grow up, all right. We got three more ways of developing closer intimacy at times while maintaining strong individuality at other times, find ways of developing closer intimacy. And sometimes you know how we did that. We traveled together. Yes, Okay, so I reread that real quick. So yes, that's a that's a wonderful way for us. Everybody knows that that's when I come alive. That's when you open up the travel when I am firefly, Yes, travel you. Yeah, I

love that. I love travel, So that's when I become alive. So yes, we have learned a lot more and got closer in those moments, but together. The reason why I brought up traveling is because changing your environment allows you become more vulnerable, because this is something you guys get to experience together for the first time, but also shows your individuality. You're traveling, you get to show what you like while also listening to what she likes, and you

get to see each other in different environments. Yeah, seeing what brings the person makes the person, what makes the person take, what makes them get that sparkle in their eyes. It's always nice to, you know, find moments like that.

Like as much as I know devout for years, there's always these moments that happened every now and again where I'm just like, oh, to see that twinkle in his eye depending on what's happening, Like those moments I take that little twinkle put in my pocket for a rainy day boundaries which are comfortable for both partners around critical

issues such as sex, finances, and other family members. So it's important because, as Kadina and I have talked about, when you're first dating and your meeting people, you you meet the representative. But when you start talking about sex, finances and family members, Now this comes down to the root of who the people are. You know what I'm saying, what type of sex you like, how much sex you require, how much money you spend, What do you know about

financial acumen, what are your business goals and ventures? Um? What kind of family were you raised in? How does your family communicate? What is your religion, your political views? These are things that you don't have to lose yourself, but discuss this with your partner to say, oh, that's how you that's how you view things, this is how I view things. You know, Let's see if we can work this together without changing who we are. You know. Um, a lot of people have issues when it comes to this,

even when like things like religion. How are we going to raise our kids if we have different religious views or different political views, you know, So, um, it's important to share those things. And the last thing is mutual sharing and give and take trade offs and occasional, occasional sacrifices for the other that talks about being of service, you know when you give and takes trade off sacrifices. Yeah, when you decide that you want to be a spouse,

you ultimately decide for a life long journey of servitude. Right, So, I'm going to serve this person, but I'm not going to lose myself while serving this person. I'm going to serve this person through the lens of still being the best version of myself I can be. If me serving this person means I have to lose who I am, you're not doing You're doing yourself a disservice. Yeah, it's like, how much does this cost? Is this relationship going to cost me? I'm not gonna say it right now, I'm

gonna say it later for me. For me, it's the moments of when I see that twinkling as I am. It just came to me. That's the moment You're I'm gonna keep that locked in. Sounds good to me, all right, So I think that's a good point point in the show. But we could take a quick break and get into listening letters and do all those things. Alright, guys, we're back with listening letters. All right, I'm gonna allow you to go first today, Babe, I appreciate that. Thank you.

Is it because I'm an individual today? Maybe? All right? I love your podcast so so much. Thank you so much. You guys have given me so many different viewpoints to look at, different situations from there are situations from it. I appreciate the vulnerability you guys show. What's to start conversations or at least thinking on our own. We appreciate the whole points, the whole point. So here's so, here's my complaint. I got married at two years old and

became a mom at twenty three. My husband, five years older, is my longtime friend from the lock. Okay, I always knew he liked me, but always played games because I knew he wasn't exactly what I wanted at that time. We got married because he asked, and I really didn't think he was serious. Wow, that swapping when you're young, let's get married. I think come on, was joking. Now we're married with a baby. What I know? He was a nice breath of fresh air from the guys I

used to deal with. But about six months into the marriage, I started telling myself that the very reason I didn't want to be with him is because he's boring. We don't do anything. We don't go anywhere, even to watch movie at home. He's falling asleep while we're watching. Anytime I voiced my complaints, it's fixed for a day and then back to the same mold. That's typically how it works. He also was very unmotivated, a dreamer. I would say.

He talks about owning a media company and having a comic book series, but the last time I saw him write anything was back in two thousand nineteen. Right now, we're staying at my sister's due to financial reason, and all he does every day after the shift at work is played video games two wee hours in the morning. My thing is, I know now that getting I read so young was silly, and now that it's going to be five years later, a lot for me has changed as of what I want for my life, and for him,

everything seems hunky dory. Like I mean, the man expects me, while being a stay at home mom and a full time student, to find him a higher paying job and apply to it. For him, I barely knew myself before I got married, and now that I'm getting to know me and being a mom, I feel like I have to literally build him from the bottom up while he just sits around and plays video games. He's a good dad, very affectionate, and I love those qualities. However, those qualities

aren't sustainable to have a quality life. Well, to be honest, it don't seem like neither onecause he's doing anything to have a stay the quality life. She is stay at home mom, and she's in school full time. Maybe she's because she's younger, so remember she's working to get herself together. She's twenty two. She's okay, they got married at three? No, he's I got married and became mom at twenty three and he's five years old. And now they've been married

for or how long it was? Five years later? Where did she say that? Down here? My thing is, I know they're getting married so young with silly and now there's going to be five years later. Yes, yes, I see. Oh still in school? What school you was in school for from? From eighteen? We're going to school? What school you go to school for? Ten years? Maybe she went medicine and said she might be a doctor. All right, so let me say she might be being a doctor.

My thing is, oftentimes people don't realize that you are the same person that you married, and everything that you complain about you are as well. But she says, I don't want to leave, but I don't know if I'm walking away too soon. Here's the truth. They got married and did this stuff young. Even the way she said they got married was a problem. I thought he was joking. He said, let's get married. I said, year and before

I knew what I was married. So there was no intention behind either of them really wanted to be married. Also too, she said, the last time she saw him write something was back in two thousand nineteen. I wonder if he's in like a little COVID rut, like a lot of people were in that pandemic space of where they got really laxing and okay, trying to give the benefit of the son. Listen, listen, Okay, we're about honesty around here. Go ahead. Yes, people get in COVID ruts,

but also people become COVID millionaires. A lot of people pivoted and created businesses during that time, and there are a lot of multimillionaires who were created during times of recession. Every time something happens bad, people think it affects everybody the same way. No, it doesn't affect everybody the same way. People who are creative and can find ways to make money do. People who don't can't, and they use that

as an excuse. That's just my perspective. I'm not trying to blame anybody, but at some point we have to be accountable for what we have and don't have in life. Right if if COVID was a thing, everybody would have got broken during COVID, But that didn't happen. Some people were able to find ways to make revenue because they put their time and energy in energy. It is time. That's you don't got no energy. You're playing video games to wee hours in the morning. But you want to

write comic books. You aintbode that godamn comic book. They ain't got nothing to do with COVID nothing. You could have made a comic book about COVID, that's very true, and use your media company to promote the comic. You see what I'm saying. Bro, Like, if we if we're gonna be honest with people, we we can't just be be kind and say what's nice in order to make

them feel good. You have to be accountable, dude. I understand he has to be accountable time frame, and was just wondering, you know, and not everybody handled the pandemic the same way. I got you, But I think they both need to be accountable. He do not need to be playing video games. First of all, you're living with your sister in law. That's energy you wasted, all right. You could be doing something else better with your time out than wasting the energy. You know how much that

is an electricity bill. You're sitting up playing video games two wee hours in the morning. That's number one. She says she's to stay at home mom. She got one child and she's in school. Right. The least you can do, since you're at home and he's obviously working, is helping him apply for other jobs pay higher. What else you got to do? It would have to be working together. It seems like accord altogether. Because see what I'm saying.

She probably feels like, bro, I want to see you take the initiative to get up an apply for these jobs. Probably just like, well, assist you better at writing essays and whatnot. So then do it upload my resume. They should both be sitting in front of the laptop searching for the job, flying together. Yes, there's no one person to blame. Both of y'all got to do better the computer and guys you told your classes after studying your daughter, Hello, Hello,

There was no There was never. There was never in a point in our relationship. But I was just working on something and you was looking at me saying, well, you know you were just like, babe, if you're going to do that, why don't you do this? No? Perfect example speaking about individuality. Right when you were working at the Hot Zone and you had to go to these events, who took you me? I was working right when your

cameraman was late? Who stood in line and with elbow and all these other people to make sure you had the space? I did right? Perfect? When I started a company out when I started my company, who helped me with registration? All right? Then that's part of that is part of being married. For being an individual. When my married individual is working on something, I should be a service to them to help them be better in the long run period period. You ain't write no comic books.

You're playing video games? Come on, son, No, I ain't. No, you don't get and I ain't you ain't getting the COVID past neither. I'm tired of COVID. I furnishan come here for eleven months. They said it's because of COVID. I went to get my car. They're telling me it's delayed three months. It's because of COVID. I didn't know cars could get COVID. It's walking into air beds until

we get our ship. I'm just tying tired everybody using COVID as an excuse, like, come on, we gotta at some point get it together, and that is a fact. I'm sorry. I just kind of lost it there because I furnitshanded coming. We moved last year. The damn kitchen table. We're gonna use this folding table for the rest of of our lives. These kids trash everything anyway, so whatever. Al Right, onto the second one. Hey, Conenian DeVoe. I love your podcast and look forward to the weekly episode

drop every Wednesday morning. Thank you. I'm writing today to ask you about your decision to relocate to Atlanta. Me, my husband, and our two boys, aged two and five four months currently live in Philadelphia, PA. And we've been here for ten plus years. As our boys grow to be school aged, we're giving more thought to where we want to buy a nice, single family home and settle our roots. I have a good amount of family in Atlanta and have been thinking about moving down there ever

since I left to go to college. We think the time is finally right and we are planning to make the next move to Atlanta within the next year. Can you please talk about the factors that led you to deciding to relocate to Atlanta. What types of changes your lifestyles have your lifestyle has experienced with the move, Any challenges to read the podcast in itself, um, any challenges to relocating, and what considerations you weighed in making your

decision choosing your home. Thank you for taking the time to respond. Hope to see you both in a live show shows some day soon. Now. Alright, girls, So it's funny because I think a couple of people, when I had asked about just suggestions for podcast topics, things people wanted to hear about, a lot of people did mention our relocation. So maybe we will dedicated episode to this because this people a little at lengthy if we go

through everything. Um. However, loosely speaking, Val and I just knew that we were outgrowing Brooklyn in general in terms of what we were going to get in terms of the property for our money space. UM. We also knew that we wanted to experience a little bit of what it was like to live on the West Coast, hence

our move from New York to California. UM. Unfortunately, we moved and then the pandemic hits six months later, so we never really got to get the full feeling of what it was like to live in l A and experience it in its entirety while the country was open because everything was closed. UM. But then also too, as time continued to pass, we just kind of always had that feeling would end up back east in Atlanta. Was

always on our radar. It actually was going to be between California and Atlanta from the initial move to Brooklyn, but we both kind of felt like we'd be remiss if we did not at least experience a little bit of of California life. UM. So, as time began to pass and money on rent was, you know, super high, we just knew it was time to purchase something and finally settle somewhere because as the kids are young, it's great that your kids are only two in four months

because they won't really remember much of this. But like Jackson, who was of school age in school, I didn't want to have to uproot him too many times moving around. So UM did my research was on the market for a house in Atlanta, connected with an amazing real chair. UM shout out to Arian Elsberry, my dear ariane UM, and she connected us to just you know what life would have been like in Atlanta in terms of the real estate UM market. That's that's important, and that's important

property value in the trend of the market. So if you're buying a home, how much bang you get for your buck and if you will build equity over time living in that home. So for example, if you're living in New York right now, you're not gaining as much

equity living in that place because it's overcrowded. But if you move to a place like Atlanta right now, from last year to this year, the property value over twelve months has gone I think a hundred k on properties that we were looking at between six and seven k for you, mom and dad. So I feel like now now would not necessarily be the best time because it's a seller's market. Um, so you're not going to get the most that you can for it, and you have to look at trends over a long period of time

just in the immediate, right right short term. And a lot of it too was just us wanting to have well home base for the children, having more space as our family continue to grow, proximity to other family members for help. Our village is important to us. So being back east is important because majority pretty much all of DeVos families in New York. Still we have some family in Virginia. I have some in Florida. So this seemed like a good midway point for went to access as

easily if we needed to. Um. Almost important was early childhood education. I was just going to say that, Um, the biggest factor now once we knew we wanted to move to Georgia's like, Okay, what areas do we move into that are going to be you know, safe, that are going to have great schools if we decided to go public, Like, those are the things that you want to also take into consideration when you have children. And the most important thing as as a man and a

provider was my earning potential living where I live. So, for example, I always did a cost analysis of how much money can I earn as opposed to how much money will it cost me to live there? So if we move to l A, if I can earn more money and the cost of living is higher, it made sense.

But if I'm moving to l A and I'm making the same money that I make somewhere else, but the court of living is higher, I'm not moving to l A. You know, if I moved to Atlanta and I can make more money in Atlanta and the course of living is cheaper, it made more sense. For just made so much as think about just even the podcast. We're able to produce the podcast in home. That saves us a lot with studio time. You know, we just get our crew in here. We have we're all pretty much like

a family now. Our lifestyle and the house that we're in affords us the opportunity to be able to work out of our home, have our staff stay with us sometimes I don't want to call them staff, our crew. Have our crew stay with us, and then also have my parents here as well to help out the children. Um. In terms of lifestyle, Devil and I used to go out a lot more of course when we lived in New York because we had our friends and family nearby. We're not out in the scene as much down here

in Atlanta by choice. But if we do decide that we want to have people hang out, we have the space to be able to have people over, entertain, have a good time, and um, you know, still be able to enjoy that since we have we're such big family. People Ultimately, do a cost analysis of everything that's important to you in your life. If it makes sense for you to move and you can make money and live the type of lifestyle you want to live, that's where

you should be. It really comes down to if you can sustain the lifestyle you want living wherever you want. For codein and I, Brooklyn was just not it. We both want to do TV film. The majority of things that happened in film happened in l A. TV is a big space in New York. But cost of living in New York and the space for the kids was ridiculous. Plus, when we were looking at early childhood education, private school was the best way to go in New York unless

you were zoned for the right public school. Was fighting for the right public school spots and in the public schools for each age group changed which were good. So imagine having four boys and the middle school in this area is good, but the elementary school in this area is bad, but the high school and this one is good. So then Codeine would have had to been juggling how to get our kids in each public high school at the right time to meet their educational goals. So we

decided to move down here. You pay more in taxes, and yeah, you have better access to more access to better schools. It works out that way. So good luck to y'all in your search your quest to move out of Philadelphia. UM, and if you end up in Atlanta, we welcome you, all right, So keep the listener letters coming in, y'all. We enjoy to hear. We enjoy hearing from you. Email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com. That's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com.

All right, are you chomping at the bids to tell us your moment of truth? Sir? Um? If I'm being completely honest, we talk so more that I forgot you, forgot you. We didn't talk about a lot here today, I think, Um, we covered so many remember, Okay, yes, do not lose yourself in an attempt to be of service to your spouse. We always talk about being of service, but you cannot be of service to a detriment to you and be a detriment to yourself like you you can you both. You can be of service to your

spouse and keep your individuality. And don't let people tell you that that's not possible, because it is absolutely possible to get everything you want out of your own life and still be of service to the person that you love with all your heart. I am a walking testament to that. I am selfish when it comes to getting everything I want on a life. You can ask codean I don't. I don't submit or be complacent with anything.

If I want it, I'm gonna go get it. I'm also the same way with being a service to my wife. If she wants it or needs it, I'm gonna go get it. You can do both. They do not have to be mutually exclusive. I love that. Yes, me warm and fuzzy. Yeah, I got really hot when you see that. You know my moment the truth. I am going to dial it back to the good homie. Prinice Himp Hill, who said, there you go, apprentice. Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and love me simultaneously.

That's deep, drops, Mike, that's deep. It's all right, y'all. Well, thank you for being a listener. I don't know if I've thanked you this season yet, but thank you, and be sure to follow us on social media. I gotta thank you before I ask you to follow me, right,

you see? How did that? Follow us on social media at dead as the Podcast, I'm Cadina, I am and I am Devout, And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe as dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the Norapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the Podcast and never miss a Thing lest