Don't Arrive Before You Get There

Make sure that you are prepared to receive what you asked God for.

Oh, that is a very good one.

And when I saw the title of the show, don't arrive before you get there, it made me think of this Jamaican term my mother would always say, don't be too previous, dead ass, dead ass. Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm devoued and we're the Ellis's.

You may know us from posting funny videos with.

Our voice and reading each other publicly as.

A form of therapy.

Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes.

Sir, we are.

We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.

Things most folks don't want to talk about.

Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We about to take Phillo talk to our whole new level.

Dead ass starts right now.

Story time.

So this was season two of Sisters and we were dealing with quarantine and there was a young man who had booked a guest star on the show. Right, and I'm not going to say which character he played, but he booked.

A guest star on the show.

Long story short, he was a little overzealous because it's first time booking a guest star and we were in quarantine and he wanted to rehearse, and at the time, I had several scenes before his so I wasn't prepared to give him any time because I had to do those scenes first in the day.

He wasn't used to our shooting schedule.

Granted, he really wasn't used to the shooting schedule, so sch no, this is brand new, like this was this was twenty twenty, and he was getting upset because I hadn't alloted any time for us to work together. So he went to the producers, he went to the studio heads and was complaining and complaining had so I finally I made time. Once I made time, I tried to explain to him how the shooting schedule was, and he got upset because he thought I was trying to haze him.

Yikes.

So I'm like, all right, now, I'm a professional. Oh soo.

This is a very stressful time. So I ain't had no time to even care or consider how upset he was.

I didn't care. I just I had work to do. Two days go by, I do my scenes.

Finally, one of the producers called me and said, Devill, I apologize for that. You know, he's not aware of the shootings here, said, don't worry about it.

I got time.

Now let's let's go rehearse. Me and him finally get a chance to break bread. I explained the process that we rehearse for about forty minutes.

Now it's time to actually shoot the scene.

When we get there, Tyler's sitting there, Deuce is there, everybody's ready.

He calls action. We only get one take. We call action. He forgets every word that he was supposed to.

Says, and it was your fault because.

It wasn't my fault. I rehearsed with him the day before we sat down for thirty minutes. Now, the scene was only two pages. I was about to no, it was not a hefty scene.

He was a guest star. He only had this two paid scene.

I think he had seven lines seven lines in the two pages. But he was the one directing where the scene was going. So I couldn't even add lip to help him because there was something particular he was supposed to do in the scene, and he kept getting to that part and forgetting, forgetting, and ultimately he was replaced.

I was about to say, because people about to be connecting thats over there.

Y'all know you'll like to connect that.

Y'all know people love to connect thats well, that's why I ain't saying what really all right? Right, because this has happened to multiple people on multiple seasons. But in any event, he was replaced. And when we get some time to come back, I'm going to break down why this story is so important to what we were talking about, especially towards the end of the year, because I want you guys to go into the top of twenty twenty four with a new insight of how you want to approach life.

Love that. We'll be back all right.

Karaoke time, karaoke time in the spirit of the time a year, my favorite.

This is your favorite time time a year. So y'all do know that we pre record these shows. There's no secret there. But if you're watching right now, the reason why you don't see any Christmas stuff is because it's not Christmas time yet. But trust me, by the time this comes out, there will be Christmas trees everywhere around his house here.

I cannot wait.

Actually, in this moment, once I get through this recording session and we're like, you know, in a good space with all our family stuff, I am going to go off off.

You gotta make the the house look like Christmas everywhere we.

Go, where, every room, it's the most wonderful baby of the years.

Sing your favorite? What's your favorite?

Let us know?

Go ahead, let it no, let it no, but the fire is please so baaby, let snoo.

I just remixed you miss no. No, you know I don't miss no. Now, let me not say that I missed the light. Powdery snow was about easy to remove from your walkway with that frozen, dirty, nasty slushy snow that in New York after the third day of the blizzard.

Do you miss digging out a parking spot, doing all the work to dig it out, get out the spot, to leave the spot, to have somebody else pulling that bitch?

I don't miss that, bro at all. I don't miss it at all.

All right, let's go pay some bills and we will be back and we'll get into the meat of the show. All right, we're back today. We're talking about not arriving before you get there. How do we avoid that? As I said in my SoundBite, nont a boy to act too previous previous meaning like, listen, slow down, You ain't there yet.

You know what I'm saying. You got some work to do.

Yeah.

So, going back to your story about Homeboy, you think it was more so just in the moment. He probably just like cut nerves. Maybe he was prepared, but maybe got stage fright in that moment.

No, this, I to be honest. I know he got stage fright. I know that happened. But that's also the point, right when I say don't arrive before you get there, or be prepared for what you've asked God for, it's to not skip the process of preparing yourself so that once you finally get the opportunity, you can deliver.

You know, so many.

People are excited about the end goal, right, they like they see something, they set goals, which setting goals is part of the process. But you can't ignore the process, you know what I'm saying. For example, this book that I've been reading, it's called Atomic Habits, and it talks about how you have to get better one percent every day. Trying to achieve getting better one percent every day is way more sustainable than saying my goal is to get here,

Diet preparation because it's sustainable.

And I feel like the young man at that time was taking a fad diet approach to how he was going to reach his goal. It's like, I want to get here, and I want to do my best performance. So it's like, dude, you didn't even read the room.

See what the process is? And that's nothing I want to talk to people about.

Is is also how you decide what you are going to do and take action.

Right.

There's a book I read a long time ago which I started to re listen to again.

It's called.

Thinking like a Spy, right, Thinking like a Spy, and it has a breakdown of how you approach problems right. And it's the Dada method, right, which means you collect data, you then analyze the data, You then make a decision, and then you act.

Dada right. So it's data analysis, decision action.

But what happens is people don't realize that you can only apply this to a certain relationship. Relationships matter, right, And there are three types of relationships.

Right. You have a zero some relationship.

You have a positive some relationship in a negative some relationship, A zero some relationship is like this, there's one job opportunity. There's two people going for the one job opportunity. Somebody's gonna get it, somebody's not gonna get it. Our relationship here is zero sum, Like we can't gain anything from each other. Only one of us is going to gain access to you. That's one type of relationship. Then you have a positive some relationship, like what we have a marriage.

Relationship, right, both sides really winning right.

And what happens is once you realize you're losing more than someone else.

That's what someone concedes.

The first thing I want people to do is realize in relationships, what type of relationship is this.

It's funny you mentioned that, because yeah, to just branch off onto relationships real quick, just something that I've learned because at this point I'm forty.

My birthday is past.

And one thing I was very deliberate about doing as I approach forty, because I think there's something about like milestone birthdays or like feeling like there's a new beginning a new decade that you want to do. Is it's almost like a cleansing that happens. It's an assessment of where you've been and what you've been doing, things that

And I've realized that that wasn't working.

And people don't owe me anything, right, I can say my piece, but no one owes me anything per se, regardless of the relationship. So I then decided I was just going to compartmentalize, you know, people, friends, family, people who I have to interact with, and just know that if I set up certain boundaries and parameters for understanding this is how this person is and I won't take offense to how they are, I can then move accordingly after my expectations are lower.

So let me ask a question.

Most of the relationships we have in our life are zero sum or positive some relationship right.

Most of them?

Of them, we would already rarely have a negative some relationship. Typically a negative some relationship would be like an enemy that you have, like if you have a neighbor that you hate, right, so most of my our relationships on that do you feel like you're putting people in categories of positive sum or zero s? And it's like, if you're in a zero some relationship, what value do you have to me to continue to maintain this relationship? You

You know when I really think about.

It every time, every time.

My nigga, I only left my notification because my chip, my mother is flying with my child.

Because vibrate, because vibrate doesn't work right, because vibrate does vibrate.

I can't find my vibrator. Do you know where it is?

Why would I know where your vibrate is? Why would I eat?

I thought it was in my side draw and I don't don't know where it is now?

But no, can we can we unpack why I would know where it is, though, I.

Don't know if it's like in the sheet somewhere mixed up.

I don't know, no, But I did find chocolate in the sheets this morning.

You sure did.

I thought, let me see another story, right, let me tell another story.

Yo yo yo, real talk right. Kay likes to eat chocolate after she smokes a little bit. So last night I was smoking my weed like I typically do, and k goes, baby, can you shotgun me?

So I shotgunning? Right.

Shotgunning is when you smoke the smoke into her mouth, because she doesn't want to pull from the bomb, So I shotgun her right. Within about thirty seconds.

Kadeen is laid back on the couch.

Super low right now, mind you, she's been on her I gotta get to forty five tip. So she's sitting there while we watched Succession, and then slowly she gets up.

I say, Kay, where you going? She just says, I didn't know where she's going. Right.

I hear rummaging in the pantry, like we have one hundred and forty pound mouse in the pantry. Then she comes out, right, She comes out with a bulge under her robe and a little bit of chocolate by her lip. Right, mind you, I don't make it hot because I'm like, first of all, I'm watching succession. Then I'm like, not gonna argue her about her eating chocolate at two in the morning. So I'm watching succession in like every like six minutes, all I hear is.

And then I see her slide it in the side of her mouth.

Like the thing is, she's right handed, but she was sitting on my left side. She was so high she didn't realize that she was using her right hand and had her face away from me, but putting it in the left side of her mouth, like I couldn't see it, Like I couldn't see it. Still didn't say nothing. Right, we go in the bedroom. Right, we go in the bedroom. Now when she get high, she turned to a different type of demon. Right, we had we had a great

To sleep, like you do you know what I'm talking about.

I don't remember going to sleep, but I remember waking up and I remember getting out of the bed and when I look back into bed, it was just brown streaks, brown streaks like in the ball, all on my side. How that happened? So, so here's the crazy part. At first, I panicked. So I go down to the sheet and I'm like, I don't remember falling to sleep. Did I not remember going to the bathroom? So I'm like, I go to smell the sheets. It's chocolate.

Yo, it's chocolate like through the She's all over the sheets.

My gee, so ridiculous right now, y'all so ridiculous.

And then she wake up. She I said, hey, look at this, right she wake up. She looked at me, she goes, what's that? I said, what do you think it is? So then I pick up one of the little chocolate balls that's there, because she'd be having the time. So then I said, look, I put in her face and go, man, I thought you already. Yeah, how did we get here? I don't know how we got here, but I will tell you.

This the perfect example of a positive some relationships.

Them sheets is messed up.

They are, Yeah, she's messed up, but we're done here.

You got to stop getting chocolates in the minute of the night. I just need to.

Stop buying them so they're not even in the house because that's one of the things I'm allergic to.

Y'all have messed up with chocolate.

Yeah, any sheets. She's at like ten this time around, all.

On my back. Pause. Man, I'm sliding in chocolate and night. I don't even realize. Man, let me get back to what was what was you talking about?

I don't even know where this falls in the episode or this could be a whole outtaker.

I don't know, but I just had to tell you this story because she was wild this morning.

But yes, So back to the relationship.

So, when I really think about breaking down relationships to me, a positive some relationship our relationship ships that I chose to engage in because I feel like they're beneficial for both parties.

I e.

Friendships. Okay, so like my close.

Knit circle of friends who are all of maybe five people.

Those are positive.

Some of course, my husband goes without saying my children go without saying.

Zero.

Su was the other one, Yes, zero zero.

Some relationships I feel like can potentially be.

Family absolutely absolutely.

Like just because we family don't mean that we got to a get along hang out like that I may not fuck with you like that, I may not agree with the things you do or say, but it's like we have some sort of relationship by blood.

Because we have to be in the same space to be So the reason why I'm glad you said that is because when I look at zero some relationships, for me, I look at family, and I look at employers, employees, coworkers.

Yes, right, if.

We're not friends and you're just an employer or an employee or an associate, then we have a zero sum relationship, right, zero some relationship. And the reason why that's important is because of what we are talking about, Right, don't arrive before you get here.

Also understanding when the moment is gonna come.

It's also understanding who in your relationship group is going to help you with said goal. So a lot of times we put pressure on someone who has a zero sum relationship. Right, this is an associate, Right, this is a family member. We don't talk too often, but we know that that family member can get us to a certain place.

It's not mutually beneficial, but I.

Want something, So you know what we often do We pressure that person to put us in a position where we can be successful or call on him.

But here's the crazy part.

Since it's a zero sum relationship, that person gains nothing from telling you you're not prepared.

That person a lot of times will.

Say, go ahead, take the opportunity, and you know what happens, You fuck it up because you lost yourself and trying to get to the goal and not understand that there is a process to prepare yourself, or they.

Don't want to put you on because you might fuck They name up in the process and they're just like, you know what, No, you can't do X y Z. So this is what has to happen, which is what I think happened a couple of times. I think to both you and I where people expected for us? I mean, granted, Deval and I feel like we're still doing the work, Like even though we have gotten to this point in life,

DA is data analysis, decision action. I'm going to get to that because when people get to when people get to the DADA and they really break it down to like, oh, I see why I have the issue of my life.

People out here dadding just dad. They don't want an action part. They just want to They made some of the data, they made it the analysis, they decide what they want, but then they don't want to put the action to Can I.

Tell you why?

I'm gonna tell you why. Let me let me finish out that thought. But I'm gonna tell you why. He'll tell you why. What I realized the young man did in that moment right arriving before he got there, he didn't realize that he and I relationship is a zero sum relationship. I gained nothing from you, I asked nothing from you. I need nothing from you, but you want something from me. Right, I'm trying my best. He didn't do any data or analysis before he decided to make

You slammed my door, says you on set, buddy, and.

A lot of And the reason why I use that as an example is because Bro, you arrived. Before you got there, you didn't do any of the necessary research. Now I'm gonna get to dada and why the last a is never done?

Right?

Data to get data is to do what watch? Does it cost you anything to get data most of the time?

No?

No, it does take time, though.

It takes time.

But does it cost you anything tangibly no analysis to look at the data that you've already accrued? Right, Does it cost you anything to do that?

No?

Now you have to make a decision. I got all my data, I got my analysis. I have to make a decision based on the first two. This is what I'm going to do. Does it cost you anything to make a decision? No, But now you have to act on the decision you made, and you know what costs money. Action, Action costs money. Whenever you decide that you have to do something for your career, there is going to be a cost associated with action. Most times people get to

If you sit down and you do the necessary data and you analyze.

Once you make a decision, you have to first ask yourself, can I provide myself with the necessary steps to be successful in this action after the decision I made?

And if the answer is no, that's not the.

Decision for you. But a lot of times people don't do that. They move off of emotion, they make a decision, and now they're trying to perform an action without having the necessary tools to be successful in action, and they kill themselves figuratively speaking.

I think to take it a step further, some people don't even do the DA part. They just desire.

They just decide.

They wake up and they just decide doing the due diligence and doing the work like pulling data and research and analysis sounds good, and some people may do that, but I think, especially now in this generation of and this this world of like instant gratification and microwave relationships and all that, people just decide like I want to do this, and they don't even do the data and analysis part, and then the action is questionable because they may put it into action without having a plan or

So we're just.

Moving moving no progress. We're just moving with no progress.

Sorry, why you're smiling, You.

Know I'm smiling because you're absolutely right. Remember the two books I talked about. Atomic habits is really how you can start creating that that foundation to always go da da atomic.

You see what I'm saying.

So I see how you're.

By doing the habits and doing that little bit getting better every single day. You're training yourself to be in the position to then yes d A d.

A yes Like da da can't be something you do once you get the opportunity, because since it's not a habit, you can't you can't really formulate an idea or a plan because you haven't practiced doing da da all.

The time, and the consistency won't be there absolutely.

And one thing I've learned about being successful is that if you lead with your moral compass, right, if you have ideals in place, and you let your ideals drive you towards your dream, when your dream or your opportunity comes, they're rooted in your ideals. But if you're constantly chasing your dreams or your goals without ideals in place, when you get an opportunity, you have no moral.

No moral compass, or foundation to fall back on.

So whatever that person wants you to do, you're willing to do it, and a lot of times that leads you down a wrong path.

Let's let's use people.

I like to use Hollywood for example, but let's use Hollywood Sports and Fortune five hundred companies.

Right.

If you're in Hollywood, are you willing to take that role that you know doesn't coincide with with your lifestyle?

But this is the only opportunity to have you arrived.

Before you got there, you haven't made a decision about who you are personally, But Now you have an opportunity, are you willing to just forfeit everything you believe to take that role?

Now you're in a sport, right, You're in a sport.

You have an opportunity here, But the only way you get this opportunity is to undercut someone else.

On the team.

Right, Oh, I can make this block or I cannot make this block and this person get hurt, and then I can get that opportunity. You see this all the time in sports. I played at the highest level and there was a point in camp where people stopped becoming friends and comrades to help each other win, and was only concerned about getting the spot.

You see what I'm saying. And they were doing things.

To sabotage other people in sport. So yeah, so that they can get jobs. It happens all the time people. You have upperclassmen in college, or you have veterans in the NFL who know the playbook, who are supposed to be mentoring you through the process. Because iron sharpens iron. If I mentor you to be better, but it helps me become better, the cream will always rise to the top.

But a lot of times that don't happen.

People get an opportunity and now it's like, freak, I haven't prepared myself to be the cream to rise to the top, So let me sabotage fortune five hundred companies, same thing. What are you willing to do to get that job? Who are you willing to sleep with? Who are you willing to backstab?

Right?

And when you see the opportunity is right in front of you, if you haven't done the work, if you haven't created the habits, now you're a little nervous when you get that opportunity. So you know what you're willing to do, sabotage anything around you to maintain what you think the goal is. But you know what happens when you reach the goal. Even if you sabotage some when they reach the goal, that moment is fleeting because now you got the goal, but now you got what you

Decision and action is to.

Put yourself in a position that when you make this decision to get to where you want to get to, you know what's rooted in substance, is rooted in who you want to be when you get there, and you can maintain it when you get there if you don't do those things and you arrive before you get there. That's how that fifteen minutes of fame becomes an actual thing.

It's crazy because this is something that you're reading in a book right Clearly, it's to help us adults as we try to learn to fix, to grow, to be better. And you said something interesting this morning, having children and being parents. Yes, this then reiterates to us kind of what we already know and we're doing with our boys, and it's just creating habits at home day to day lifestyle.

See it, do it?

Like what they live is what they learn and what we hope that they'll implement as they grow into adults, because it's so much harder to correct things and to instill habits as an adults, because we as adults try to, Like I know, I talk myself out of shit all the time all the time.

But it really gave me a different perspective.

When we were talking about it this morning in the bathroom, you were like, this makes me understand why it's so important for us to have habits with the boys.

You know, something as simple as making their bed.

Yes, like every morning.

You know Jackson, some mornings, if he's running late or if he's a little tired, I'll go up to this I'm like, did you make your bed? And what he hates to do is be at the door about to go through the door to school, and I'd be like, did you make your bed? No, all right, go back up stairs and make your bed. If you late, that's your problem, because you knew you were supposed to make your bed.

I forgot. I saw a meme or something.

That says there's another book that I'm about to read. The name of the book is called make your bed the things that can change your life and maybe the world. So it's funny you use that analogy because it's small things like that, yes, that people don't realize it. It becomes a habit.

It's so simple.

It's simple, and those small habits you can create will help you not to arrive before you get there, because if you think about that, don't arrive before you get there.

Arriving is a mental space. I've arrived, but.

You have.

Exactly no, seriously, seriously, something is Oh.

My gosh, I forgot the name of the philosopher who said it. But most people have an idea of who they want to be. They have an idea of who they want to be, and in their mind, most people have created that idea of who they are, and they feel like they are that person. But most people don't put in the work to be the person that they think they are. And you know what happens to those people.

Fraud. Yes, people can see through that. They totally can see through that.

So it's funny that you mentioned habits and all that, because I saw this the other day and I sent it to Jackson's like a screenshot, And of course I'm sure when he received the text message, he probably rolled his eyes, like, okay, mom, but listen, we're trying to raise good, rounded humans, it says. Studies said is making your bed makes you two hundred and six percent more likely to become a millionaire.

Socio Economist.

Randall Bell studied the habits of highly successful successful people and discovered that making your bed each morning can increase your chances of becoming a millionaire. He explains that habits formed right our lives and it's what makes everything up. Also found that rich people tend to read thirty minutes a day and wake up three hours before their workday

That's why Jackson roll his ours. Yeah, but you're absolutely right. But you're right, and I'm just like, it's just creating a habit.

It's a habit to make it, get out of the bed, make it. Used to make my bus.

It's funny you say that, what do I do first thing when I get out of bed? Go work out? After? Yeah, you do, You're right, I'll go work out.

That's that's becomes your habit.

That's my habit.

Like I've adopted that over the past four months when we decided to get in better shape. Yes, and I've noticed I don't even have to work out as long as I used to. I work out thirty five to forty minutes, sometimes a little bit longer. But my body looks way better than it did a couple of years ago because that thirty five to forty minutes every single day has become my habit. And in the toping Habits, they explain that even a molecule, when you attach to

That's a lot of accomplishment that you don't see daily.

And when you fall off track, what do you feel you feel lost? Yes, you feel like, damn, I'm you know, not myself. I don't feel right, you know. These past couple of days, I've been dealing with a lot, just family wise, and I feel like that already has thrown me.

It threw me off.

My mental state has been in shambles, and I'm like, damn, I just I can't get my footing again. And I realized too in that too, I haven't worked out for like the past three days, you know. So between that and not working out, I'm like, I'm off of a routine that I had set and I've had in place all summer. And that's why I probably feel like shit. Absolutely, I've fallen off the bandwagon a little bit. But I'm getting back on now, getting it toge, I'm getting it together.

Trouble, Yes, put in some you know, trouble always comes with the facts and stats. She sure does, But she put in a fixed in growth mindset. Already have my moment of truth too, So okay. But the idea of and growth mindsets was developed by psychologists Carol Dweck. People with a fixed mindset believe that their intelligence, creativity, and moral character are static and cannot be changed. They believe that whatever success they have is due to their inherent

Remember when I talked.

About some of those athletes who, to avoid failure, will sabotage other people in order to look good in front of others. But that doesn't help you become successful. That's a perfect example. People with a growth mindset believe that they can change and grow. They see failure as an opportunity to learn and try something new. If you listen to Kobe Bryant, right, God rest his soul. He's been saying for a long time, and no one's really been listening.

You're worried about what you can learn regardless.

Of whether you win or lose soroduct.

Yes, but that's a growth mindset, right.

That mindset is not stuck in the static idea that you either win and you're a champion or you lose and you suck.

No, it's what can I learn from either one? That's a growth mindset.

Someone who's always thinking about growing is not thinking so linearly. You know, they're thinking like, well, well there's a way I can learn, or there's a way I can adapt, you know, and also knowing that this isn't the end and a loss.

It's interesting when I look at the fixed mindset, because it's some people believe in their inherent people tell intelligence and ability. There's some people, and I'll use you as an example because you're the closest to me, but you're also someone who I've never witnessed having the kind of work ethic and ambition and drive just naturally that you have.

So what do you think is something that people lack? Is it just something innate that people lack?

Because you say sometimes you can't understand why, for example, someone sees a goal, want something and won't put the steps in action to do it, or won't put the work in action in you know what I'm I trying to say, won't put the work in to achieve this goal. What do you think is missing between someone like you and someone like me?

Wow, that's a that's a deep question. This is what I will say. I will mindsets are completely different.

Right. You have in innate ability to be present in the moment all the time, and you can realize when it's like we should enjoy this moment. That's a positive. A lot of times I miss moments because I'm always thinking ahead. Let me ask you a questions to riddle what's always about to come?

But never arrives?

What's always about to come? It never arrives. My mind went dirty real quick.

No, I don't know what tomorrow. It's always about to come and never arrives to me. And this is my mindset.

Success is tomorrow, right, I'm always working towards it, but it never gets here, which means I'll never arrive before I get there because in my mind, I've never gotten there. I'm always working to get there. And the way I view it is that there's no level of success that I can achieve. It's going to make me settle, you know, like there's no there's no. I don't care if I win an Oscar. I don't care if I win a

I'm always worried about when what tomorrow is going to bring. But you help me, you know see that?

Yeah, So with that mindset comes a lot You look at like Kobe, They say Kobe was restless, right, Kobe's wrestling. He's always working on something, and then he was done with basketball. He was trying to win the Oscar and ended up winning an Oscar, right, And it's just like, well, I'm not just a basketball player, I'm a creator.

Right, you know, Like, yeah, you're right that that actually is so you and I guess that's why we work well together too in that circumstance, right absolutely, because I'm always I'm literally just like, y'all feel good right now?

Let me sit in this for the moment, enjoy this.

I mean, when you booked your your role and sisters and then you got your spin off, it was almost like a all right, well what's next? Like okay, so how do I get you know, my own film and how do I? And I was like, do you understand that you're on two shows number one shows on bt BRO And.

I appreciate you for pointing that out.

I do, I do, But I say, You're also like Kadeen, you say you want to do this, yeah, but are you putting in the action in place to do that? Are you getting in the gym? Are you making calls? Are you doing the content? And then it's like okay, accountability partner.

You see.

Yeah, you're my accountability partner to make sure that I settle and stay aware in these moments and celebrate them, but also be thankful. Be thankful to God, be thankful to the universe, be thankful to all the people around me who have helped me, because you can't do any of this by yourself. And a lot of times and you have that mindset that you don't want to arrive before you get there, you're always working.

You forget to thank the people that helped you get there. Yeah, and that's not fair.

And people working at thankless jobs after a while, they're not going to want to work there because it goes back to what we talked about. If this is a zero sum relationship with all he wants to do is gain access to more things and doesn't nurture the relationships that exist in helping him gain those things, he's going to lose those relationships. And when he loses those relationships, he'll lose access to gaining those things.

So there's a balance. There's always a balance, all right.

I love that, all right, y'all. So we are about to get into some ads. Take a quick break, pull up some listener letters. See what y'all talk about this week? All right, we'll be back.

All right, we're back. Let's dive right into the first listener letter. Hey Gnatinian Devell.

I've been following and listening since I stumble on your YouTube page almost four years ago.

I'm a big gage.

Thank you, thank you.

This time i'm writing in Oh this is my first time writing in because I really don't know how to handle this current situation. I've found myself in My husband and I have been married for almost four years now. We had our first baby two years ago. We're helping raise my godchild. It was a lot of change, very fast. Ever since we met five years ago, we've both struggled with figuring out our career paths. I was a chef, but I knew it couldn't work in the kitchen and

You know what I'm saying.

So it's been good to watch that but anything that he's done, no matter how outlandish. In the moment that idea was, I'm like, babe's whatever you want to do, how we're going to do it?

What do you need me for?

So I think just being enthusiastic about his spirit of wanting to do something with something that helps both of us because it helped you feel supported in those moments, and it was like your dream became my dream the same way my dreams became yours. The difference I think here with your husband in Deval is that Devao's livelihood was not wrapped up in football, football some means to an end.

That was.

Difference.

Yeah, so Deval always wanted to be an actor.

Remember if you read the book or if you heard the story, we were on the bed first date, what do you want to do?

I want to do that?

What's that Martin's on TV? I want to be an actor. So he knew that that's what he wanted to do. So football once it was over, it was almost like, all right, finally I'm done. I got my little nest egg. Now I can really just put the pedal to the metal to become an actor. So for me to answer your question, it was just relentless, unyielding support of whatever it was that he wanted to do, and really giving him the space and the grace to do that and

It was deliberate.

You did the data, you do the analysis, you decided, and then the action, like literally the walking talking.

That was it. Dad, Yes, I'm your daddy. He always.

Chime in.

I'll say this though, him creating habits for me, creating habits and doing things a certain way allowed me the space to be creative because once a movement or an action becomes a habit, you don't have to think about it anymore. And once you create positive habits that create positive influences in your life, you no longer have to think about doing those things, which frees your mind. Right, I'm gonna wake up, I'm gonna workout, I'm gonna make my bed, I'm gonna eat probably, I'm going to be

One has to suffer. No, you can curate the life you want.

This idea that even even with her saying I knew I couldn't be a chef in the kitchen and be the mom I wanted to be, Why couldn't you? Like? What really is telling us that we can't? That's all social conditioning us saying to ourselves we can't.

Every day.

If you sell yourself I can't, I can't, I can't, You're gonna start.

Believing that you can't. Confucius said it. Those who say they can and those who say they can't are both usually right.

Right.

So if you tell yourself every day, that becomes an atomic habit. I can't be in a kitchen and do this. I can't be in the kitchen and do that. You believe it, then that becomes your reality. I say, do the opposite, Tell him I can do this.

You can do this. We can do it together, and work every day relentlessly until you can.

Kadeen and I, when I retired from the NFL and she started working at MAC, were relentless about being able to work from home. Yes, so that we can be parents, but also love on each other and make the type of money that we can live freely in the world.

Autonomy over time.

Thank you, babe. Autonomy over time. So what we did was we created a life that works for both of us. Now, certain parts of that life required certain sacrifices.

Say the sacrifice is nice that you can't skip that step.

You can't.

The start was me sacrificing my body and my time to play football. I made a large amount of money in a short time so that I could stay at home while Kadeen started to build her business. Once I retired, Kadean started to work in Matt Cosmetics. She had to devote eighteen months of her life to being an employee and working in retail, and that was a sacrifice she

So now it was my turn to work full time job doing Cadeen was stay.

At home, and we balanced that back and forth until we reached where we are now.

But that was a twelve year process. Yeah, with eight years of planning before that in college.

Uh huh.

So the fact of the matter is is the life that you want to create, you can create. But expecting it to happen in two months or two years, it's wild. It's crazy. Give yourself a ten year plan. Say I want to be here in fifteen years, say in twenty years out, this is where I want to be, and work every day relentlessly to get there.

That's it.

You can't cheat the process.

You can't and even devour with the unyielding work ethic and everything that I've said you had when it comes to the acting industry, even yeah, he's just like man there's some things that I just feel like I should be doing now that I'm not doing. I'm like, babe, because it's not in your control, I said, because it's also not a part of the process.

Yep.

No one just like wakes up the next day after doing a couple of show and they just are going to be the Denzel Washington's of the world.

You know, here's a process.

You know. One thing that we stray away from adulthood that worked as children and that we crave as children, that if we implement as adults and continue to have, we can probably be more successful with habits is structure. Yeah, structure and discipline. You always say children work better when they have structure and discipline. Structure and discipline, they have a schedule, they and usually want to be betern eighteen. You go to college and then you just have some freedom.

Number two, Hey, y'all, My name is Alexis. I love y'all.

Let me start with that we love you too. I had a couple questions for you guys for Jacks. How do you guys teach him about his money? And do you guys implement certain things for him as far as for how he spends his money? I asked because he is the oldest, so I assume you guys can explain and teach him a little more at the age in Cairo,

This is easy.

This is something that we've done. I think we started two years ago when we first moved here. Jackson was ten. I got him a bank account, got him a bank account, and I told him that he is no longer going to just ask me and Kadeem for money. I told him, Jackson, you can get whatever you want in life as long as you can afford it, because that's how life works. But you have to earn income, right, So how we decided how he was going to earn income was by

For that as an adult.

You clean your room, you clean up the kitchen, you're not gonna get paid for that as an adult. Those are things that you have to learn how to do to be a fully functioning adult. But you go to basketball practice, you go to coding class, you take a chess class, you have tutoring with Roger. These are things that can help you to be a more productive human in society. So the more things you do to be

One hundred dollars a month.

It INDs in allowance because he does basketball, coding, football, Roger and I think at the time it was debate. So what I told him is he gets twenty dollars per activity. Right, he has incentives if he does well

Bonus. And I taking five dollars from him every time he leaves his shoes in the mudroom.

So just like you get rewarded, there are also consequences for not doing things. So what's happened is he learned the value of money because now he doesn't ask me for anything. We just get packages to the house. That's say Jackson Ellis and I'm just like, yo, well how'd you buy this? And he's like, I saved my money.

And it's so sweet. He gets stuff for his brothers. Yes, it's the sweetest thing. He got Cairo paraclets.

Yeah.

They put a little posted on it before he went to bed and he was just like to Cairo from Bro And it's just super cute. And anytime they leave each other little love notes, I keep them in having memory boxes for all of them, so I've just been putting little stuff in there so they can look back on it when they're older.

But it's ultimately just giving them the leeway and the financial responsibility can waiver depending on how much money you make. But for me, it was just a way for him to start to understand how money works, the value of it, how you earn it, how you can lose it, how it should be spent. And he also has a saving component. So what he doesn't realize is in is we have the Chase. I think it's the Chase First app or the it's like a student, I'm gonna tell you right

I said, have you checked your savings department? And he's just like, oh, I see.

So it's pretty much teaching him these things from young, creating the habits to go to his account every day, see if there's any fraud on your account, see if you don't recognize any charges, and it's become a habit for him. Everyday morning he wakes up, checks his account, and if the first comes and he doesn't get his pay from Dad, I'll get a text. He be like, yo, Dad, you didn't pay me today. So it's teaching him and

It'll give you a type of lifestyle.

Yeah, he's also a bargain shopper. Shout out to mom for making sure that he's out there looking for sales, looking for deals. I've seen him be on the phone, were like this that. Yeah, gain't that there, or oh I could try to science. See they have it cheaper. So, you know, just little things, little things that you teach him from now so they understand the value of money, because.

It sure as hell don't grow own trees. No, it does not show is hell don't grow on trees.

All right, y'all, If you want to be featured as a listener letter, email us at deadass Advice at gmail dot com.

Keep them rolling in.

I know it's the end of the year, baby, but listen, a new year's approaching. We're gonna have new episode that we're filming soon. Yes, so we want to hear from y'all. Be sure to write in to We're babe.

D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com.

All right, moment of truth time today, we're talking. Don't arrive before you get there. Nobody be too previous. Yeah, feel the work, honoring the process of growth. You said you had your moment moment out, Okay, go for it.

And it kind of you kind of stumbled into it when you ask me that last question. But remember this right what is always nearby.

But never arrives tomorrow tomorrow.

If you treat your success like that, you will always be prepared and you will never arrive before you get there.

You'll always be doing the work, always doing.

Just always be in love with the process so that when you get the opportunity, you don't choke it away.

Seriously, That's that's really what my message is. It's the end of the year.

I want people to go into twenty twenty four or saying, you know what, I have three hundred and sixty five days next year.

They get one percent better every day, and I'm not going to squander it. Not.

I love that I actually have an actionable moment of truth. I want to implore everyone because I'm probably gonna do the same thing too. Think of a habit that you can start, something that you can do every day. It can be health related, it can be you know, come in fitness routine. It could be something towards a business idea, towards your career, towards your investment and education. Just think of something that you can do that you can dedicate.

I'm going to tell you why. I'd be laughing because this is the second time. The first time you said about making it bad. This is how much in sync we are, right, you also said create a daily habit twenty minutes.

Look at how look at the rate for my goal every day.

Oh wow, yep, twenty minutes to listen to something enlightening. Twenty minutes every single day. This was something I said I was going to start, and I've been focusing on it.

It's crazy because you were listening to yours this morning and I was like, what the hell is he listening to? I was I was half asleep, And I mean, I appreciate that too, because I'm soaking things into and not even realizing it.

Yeah, that's my That was my habit that I said I was going to start. Yeah, towards the end of the year, and I've been on it and it's actually been helping me a lot.

I wake up.

The first thing I do and I wake up check my counts. Right before it used to be workout. Now it's check my accounts. I meditate, and I put on my twenty minutes and listen to something that I feel is going to carry me throughout the day, something positive, something that's self helped, something that's to enlighten me. And then after I get done with that, I go work out and that's.

Become my Yeah, I noticed that in the mornings.

But check this out.

Look at how your body changed from last November to now everybody is like, at one point there was like could he even get a BBL?

They could even do this?

And I'm just like, if I did, I would have got I would have got my hips fixed to y'u.

There's nothing wrong with your hips, bro.

If I go, you gotta hit.

So you you a Jamaican evincension woman, like a woman like that's you build like a try to start you streamline.

You got a big bubble and you can run fast. That's that's what you are.

That is true. But I know you're right. Consistency.

It's been consistency every day twenty thirty minutes. And now everybody, Wow, Wow, what happened? This was a year in the making for you to get to this point. It wasn't something you did in sixty days, that is true. So it was a year in the making. And imagine how much better you can be next year. Oh my gosh, if you continue the same thing for another year, like come on.

Nothing beats to the results, y'all once you finally put the action into place. All right, y'all, be sure to follow us on Patreon. We have all the things going on still going into this new year too. You're going to find so much more from us. Our live show is coming up. I am so excited about it. I think it's amazing having it towards the top of the year, in that first quarter, because it really just gets like the energy going, it's the excitement of the new year is different.

It's just different.

It's a different show.

The team Trouble Josh Matt we sat down, we put together something completely different. So if you've been to a show, you're going to come to this show and be like, that wasn't what I expected it to be. It was completely different. But we've been inspired all year.

Talking about growth mindset.

Right about growth mindset. We went to watch be on tour. We watch five times.

We saw Ll on tour, we saw Drake on tour, and we've we've just been trying to consume as much content to see how we can make our show better. And we guarantee y'all when y'all come to this show, you're gonna be like, I've never seen a live podcast like that.

Get Yo tickets now for Love Against the World.

Yeah, you still have a little bit of time because at this point, I don't know how many seeds a left, so don't wait because we always get the Oh my god, I love get my.

Tickets, so oh no, I don't want to hear it.

We tell you, We told you now.

Find us on Patreon.

Also, we're gonna have exclusive dead Ass podcast video content as well as family content. Found us on social media dead Ass the podcast page on Instagram, and you can find me at Kadena I am.

And I Am Devout.

And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe. And last, but most importantly not least, get your copy of We Over Me, The Counterintuitive Approach to Getting Everything you want out of your relationship, available now where books are sold and also in the audio version.

Yeah, dead Ass y'all.

Hey, Happy holidays, We love y'alldays. Dead Ass.

Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and is produced by Donor Pinya and Triple. Follow the podcast on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and never miss a Thing