Dollars and Sense

more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about. To the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take phillows off to a whole new level. Dead

ass starts right now. I'm gonna take you guys back to college before before it was even about like really really like money about to say, because I know I was, we was both broke, but um Codeine used to get a stipend for her and I used to get meal points because I was a scholarship athlete, and Codeine and I would sit down in the beginning of each semester, I would get sixteen hundred meal points, which equated to sixteen hundred dollars for the semester, which we carry us

about four months. And I don't know how much you used to get for a stipend for already. Yeah, I forget that, and I get to pay paid like every week. It wasn't much though, but but Codeine and I used to sit down and she would go shopping for the house with the money she got for the stipend from her are a. But then she and I would go to Dutch treats and would go shopping with my meal points for the apartment to make sure we had everything. And if I used to shop it for the house

because we didn't really have apartment. Yeah, it was. It was cute. And I remember like this, particularly this six hundred dollars for a lot of my other athlete friends would not last more than maybe a month and a half, you know, talking about football. They were eating. You know, you're just going and you spend hundreds of dollars on food you're buying waters, You're doing all these different things. But I remember having Codeine and she was like my

life partner even in college at this point. And of course I didn't eat as much as an offensive and defensive linement, but I was in this process of trying to gain weight. So we would literally sit down and map out every purchase to make sure that we maximize this money because at the end of the semester we

didn't want any more money on the car. What we used to do was when the money was still left over, we would go by perishable, non perishable goods like waters can goes for the next year to make sure that even when there was no money left, if we had if we needed anything, we had it. And when I sit back and think about this story, it kind of it kind of reminds me of how we created this bond about finances early on, because we needed every dollar to survive, and it was the pulling of money and

resources together. For me, yes, yes it was. It was always about pulling money and resources. But this is this is one funny thing in particular, right. I used to remember when I used to have Willie Cologne come by and eat and Willy used to come by and he would eat. He would eat a lot because he's offensive lineman playfoot Stealers on the Super Bowl. This is in college, and Kni used to look at me and be like, all right, now, you haven't willie all of these leftovers

when that meal car run out. Don't be looking at me for my already budget because you had to fee. You had to feed your staff too. Whenever we had like trainings and stuff, and it was like fifteen of us. At one point, I was coming up with meals every I was. I was doing this mom thing long before I was that nineteen and twenty years old learning how to balance a budget. In two thousand and four, were doing baby. We were managing money early. Now how that

translates to marriage? How that goes all? Right? Karaoke Kadeen has a very special song to her because this song is when she used to work in matt This is a very nostalgic song for me. And the funny thing is that used to pay It used to play on the playlist that we had at MAC. There were these preset playlists and they uhould just come on and it was my theme song when I would hear it come On because you know I'm going too the store and see what my goal was for the day, how much

money I had to make. And I'm like, all right, then my theme song will come on shortly after they gave me like a superpower. And I don't know that all the words to it, but I know for the most part, this is something like, I need dollars. Dollars. Dollars is what I need. I need dollars, dollars, Dallas is what I need. I need dollars dollars, Dallas is what I need. If I share with you my story,

will you share your dollar with me? I remember Codon walking like she'd be at home getting ready, right, she didn't realize that this song was stuck in her head and fixing dinner, working on something all here, I'm like, what the hell are you singing like? But it became my model for life. It became my theme. I need to get all the dollars clearly. So it translated for mac to our everyday life, and then I manifested it

into our marriage absolutely. So look, we're gonna take a quick break and then we're gonna get back into this story time and why it's so important for people to be able to discuss money with their spouses or significant others if you're not married yet. So we're gonna take a quick break and pay some bills. So we got some dollars. Dollars that is what we need, all right. So we're back. We're back, We're back. We're back those

college days. I think about this story times, right, I want to I want to transition out of that into a little bit of um. It was a Twitter battle at one point earlier in the year, or I don't know if it was Instagram or Twitter or Facebook, I don't know. But there was a young lady who was sitting next to her boyfriend, and she was talking about how she makes her money. She gives her money to her boyfriend. Her boyfriend gives her an allowance so she

can live or do whatever. People were clowning her because they were saying she was giving her boyfriend too much control. They were laughing at the amount that he gives her per month, and he was like, what are you gonna

do with that? Blah blah blah blah blah. But um, the bigger message that I got out of it was that the two of them were working together for something that works for them, and I wanted to talk a little bit about how and why that's so important in relationships because because um Kaudina and I didn't have a lot of money, especially in college. I remember when I was still on an allow once from my parents, and my dad used to give me a hundred dollars a

month to get through the semester. Remember that hundred dollars a month. My brother a hundred dollars a month on dollars a day that you're talking about three dollars a day, three dollars and thirty cents a day. I used to My father used to give in and God bless my Popsy gave me what he could. But my father, my brother Brian would also send me a thousand dollars because he used to get his stype and he would send me a thousand dollars of his pell check because he

qualified for PAL. That was how I was able to spread my money out and to do some extracurricular things because my meal points was for food. But the hundred

dollars a month thousand dollars. Yeah, remember that one time I went and bought them sneakers, so I had saved I saved the hundred dollars a month and I never spent it because I was balancing all my money and I had about four hundred dollars left at the end of the semester and those Jordans came out, those brand new they were three hundred dollar pair Jordan's, and Codeine was like, let's go, let's get something that you want.

So I went to the store, I bought these Jordan's, got home instantly, got buyers more and I said, yo, She's like, we happen. That's I'm taking these more. And I took them Jordan's back because I just couldn't see the value and having three dollar sneakers when I only had four hundred dollars in my account. You were very mature financially early, Like, there's a lot of things that I feel like I just was not aware of because my parents for the most part, just made sure like, okay,

things were taken care of. But there was never really a lot of sit down lessons on finance per se. You know, my dad would give me the general save your money, you know, but um also to me just trying to learn and grow and just do different things with my money. Of course, I've learned that certain things weren't a value. Um, certain things that it's had to have in that moment because you know, you're a girl, you're shopping, you see sues, you like, you know, you

want to treat yourself. Um. But yeah, I learned from you very early on a lot when it came to money and finances and stuff. So where did that come from you? I think it was It was from my father, Like, um, it's also upbringing. My my father explained to me real early in life that it's my responsibility as a man to be able to control my finances, even even in the house. Like when you talk about allowance, right, it's a trigger word for some people, predominantly women, because women

don't like to be controlled. But in my house and in my grandparents house, my grandfather was the breadwinner. He would come home, he would bring the checks home, give it to my grandmother. My grandmother would pay all of the bills, managed the household. She was the estate manager back then, managed the household, make sure the kids had clothes, make sure the food was taken care of, and then she would give my grandfather an allowance, and what he got he could do whatever he wanted to do with.

And it's funny to me to hear so many people get triggered by the word allowance because it's all automatically attached to a woman. It's like you have to give a woman allowance, which is not always the case. We think of allowance. You to give children allowances generally, So of course it's a control thing because the parents may think, like, you know what, my child may not be equipped to know what to do with their money, they may squander their money. So if I give them an allowance, absolutely

they can then manage it from there. So my biggest thing about listening and you're absolutely right right when you when you think about allowance, you think about a parent giving a child an allowance, and no one wants to feel like a child when you're an adult in a relationship. But the truth of the matter is in the relationship, one person is typically more apt to using money properly than the other. Right, sometimes you have people evenly yoke financially,

but even they may not agree on different things. But if one person has a higher business or financial acumen and the other, it only makes sense to put the other one on an allowance if they want to build a life together. Perfect example, Codeine and I never called it in allowance, but we really operate under the same circumstances. Right, um, in today's life, Coadina and I four tax purposes and because when you're into making money, you want to constantly

keep the money in your home. Right, So everyone in the house is under an allowance number one. Right, So all of our money comes in through our production company. Because as influencers, as actors, as producers, um, you have a loan out company and this protects your estate. So rather than getting paid directly from Tyler Perry Studios or when you do brand partnerships, they don't pay codem directly, don't pay me directly, They pay our loan out company.

Our loan out company, which is an LLC, protects us from being sued if there are ever any issues. We also have our home or in the process of putting our home and the majority of our assets in the trust to protect us for safety reasons. With that being said, all of our money comes to one big pot. So it doesn't matter how much money I make, how much money Condins makes. All the money coming to a big pot, and it's not really a clocking you brought in this,

it's just it's not necessary. Well we do, that's why she's on allow um. But now all the money comes into a pot, and then from the pot it trickles down to all the things we want to take care of first. So once the money comes into the pot, of course you take money out to pay taxes. But since they pay our loan, our company and not our

us personally, we're allowed to write certain things off. So first and foremost we have our four one K plans, I, I A plans, and our plans that we have for the boys, so we make sure when that lump sum of money comes in, everything goes to protect them and protect us long term. After that, Codeine and I both take salaries from that loan out company, which ultimately means we both get paid from the company that which is

a business. Like employees. Some people may call out and allowance, but for us, it's a way for us to pay ourselves what we think that we need in order to survive from a month to month basis, and even from then we get our money in a salary. That money from a salary goes into one account, which is our main account, checking account. But then both of us are on an allowance because that money, after it comes at

the salary, we take money out to pay taxes. Then we both have an expense account, and in that expense account is our budgetary, our money we use budgetarily every month. To say, you know what, if I wanted to blow this money on shoes, I can because all of my responsibilities are taken care of. If I wanted to save it to to donate to a charity, I can do that. If I want to save it to give my wife something special for Christmas, I can do that without her knowing.

Now why do people ask why do y'all have so many accounts and why do y'all feel to have different accounts? It's clear if we had one account and I wanted to surprise to them by getting her something, and she has access to the account and she sees guccio weave a time, she knows it's not for me, So she's going to know that I bought something from her. We try to at least give ourselves autonomy over our own finances.

Once we've taken care of all the responsibilities and now we have the ability as individuals and adults to make decisions on what we want to do. With the money that we consider is an expense. One thing, Yeah, one thing that I agree on early is that the main household bills, the livelihood stuff, the children, investments, savings, all of that has to be taken care of first. So that's money that goes into the one big pot. Those

responsibilities are paramount. Then by the time devoting our sees whatever money we've see in our separate accounts, that's like literally the trickle down after the trickle down, because everything is taken care of, and I can feel comfortable saying, all right, this is money that I can do mice miscellaneous things with, you know. So that's why I feel comfort in knowing that I didn't know how this whole hierarchy of finances was going to work, because again I

was not necessarily the one who was always savvy. I remember days, you know, early on in our relationship, where you know, I would just go and I would just devout. Gave me this credit card. He put my name on it to have me as an authorized user, because I had no credit when I first met Um. My parents didn't think of, I guess, putting me on a credit card early on, even though my parents had my dad's particularly has a really good credit didn't think to put me on his credit card early so that way I

could be an authorized user and build my credit. So when we met and I'm in college and it's like the stuff I want to do, I want to get a car, I have no credit, so Devot put me on as a user, and I'm like, oh, I have a credit card now, okay, great, what's the limit of this credit cards? Great? So to me, I'm thinking, all right, I can just go ahead and use this whenever I

needed to use it. And then Devout literally had to explain to me like getting you know, you like this interest on this card and you have to pay more than the minimum and you have to and I'm like, wait a second. So the trickery for me, I was like, so you tricked me. You gave me all this money, and then you tricked me because now I owe more than the money I spent. And then it really had me thinking more so about did I need this purchase

in that moment. You know, that taught me that lesson, which is something that you wouldn't even think a spouse or at that time my boyfriend would be teaching me. And I could have felt away and been like, well, the valuere treating me like a child whatever, whatever. And I had moments where I felt like that, yeah, but I then had to lean on him because I'm like,

all right, he just clearly knows more. If I was able to make a hundred dollars a month stretch throughout the entire school year to have four hundred dollars left at the end of the school year, and I used to look at him sometimes like how did you do it? And it was really just because he was the stronger

partner when it came to that. And I say that to say with the young lady who was getting all of this backlash, maybe in their dynamic in their relationship, her husband was the one that was a little bit more savvy girlfriend. But that and that, and that's that's I don't want to cut you or finish your thought, you know what I'm saying. Yeah, But if their boyfriend and girlfriend, they may have a common goal that they're

working towards. Maybe they're trying to build to save for a house or for a wedding, or they know they want to be engaged. That's the long term girl goal. So they're like, all right, if we put each other on some sort of allowance, or she may know I'm not so good with money because I know if I had this extra money here, I'm gonna blow it. So she might have said, Babe, put me on this regiment right now so I know what I am allowed to spend, so that way I can have a little bit more control.

We just don't know. But that's what happens when you have those short minute videos and know and this, this is what happens when you put things out into the social media universe, and if you are expecting affirmation from your peers that this is the right thing. That's why it's it's toxic. I hate using that works. Everyone use it.

It's toxic. But it's also like it's dumb because if people don't know the inner workings of your relationship and you tell them what you're doing right, most people won't even have enough context to give an educated opinion on whether or not this makes any sense. And keywords like allowance or he lets me or he allows me tend to send people running in the opposite direction, especially if

they're single people watching a video. You know what I'm saying that I ain't let nobody do this and and it's like we as people have to stop judging other couples for sharing information that works for them. Both of them telling this video looked extremely happy. I have to say that it didn't look like she was under distress an allowance, and seems she was like, this is what

we're doing together. And years from now, if they continue to have that camaraderie and work together, when they're living in their dream home with their kids and their nice cards and they're working together, people are gonna say, uh, that's why they did it. But at the time people are not gonna understand. They're not gonna understand at all. And I have friends who when I first gave Codeine credit card this when I was playing in the NFL. She was my girlfriend the time. She was not my wife,

she was not my fiance. But I saw that Condeen didn't have any credit. So my first thing was, we have to establish credit. Let's we have to get a card in your name, we have to get a credit card in your name, and we have to pay these bills on time in order to give you credit so that you can start to make purchases. Because the greatest asset you have is credit because you can use other people's moneys to other people's money to provide you with the lifestyle you need and pay it back on your

terms if you're discipline. Plus, there's no liability. And this is why it's important for people understand when it comes to credit there's no liability when you use a credit card, right you pay insurance on the credit card. If you go to use a credit card and someone gets your credit card numbers and they stipe the credit card for a million dollars dollars and it's not you, You were not responsible for that a million dollars, that's the credit

card company, and you pay insurance on that. If you use your debit card and they get your debit card pin and they start taking money out of your account, you're responsible for that money. While they figure it out, that money won't be there. That's why of it it's so important. But I made a choice to help my girlfriend at the time build her credit because she and

I always talked about planning life together. At the time when Codeine was running up the credit card, didn't understand it, and I was trying to figure out because this wasn't only a mistake on Codeine's part. This is a mistake on my part not explaining how to use a credit card. I just assumed that her parents had to talk to her about credit cards the same way my father talked to me. So I gave her the credit card, and then when the credit card was at his max, I

was like, what did you do here? You only had this card for two weeks, and she was just like, I thought, that's how you used it. You used it and then you pay it off. And I was just like, no, once you max out the credit card and you have it high, that will lower your credit score if you don't pay enough every month, and if you continuous to pay the minimum, you'll be paying more over time because

you're only paying off interest and not the principle. I didn't explain that before I gave her the card because I was twenty two and she was twenty two. So a lot of my friends was at the time, why would you give a credit card? Given her too much responsibility? And everybody had all of these opinions about how we should work right, and I was just like, uh, guys, this is my girlfriend, not yours, and it will all trying to give me solutions on what I should do.

Take the credit card from make up, pay all of this, do this. And I was like, you know what, let me just speak to Cadein to figure out how we can figure this out together as opposed to trying to get advice from other people who are outside the context of our relationship. No. Absolutely, And it's crazy because just to this day now I will still maybe call the PTSD if you want, But to this day I will still call the VOW before I make certain purchases and be like, hey, I would like to get X y Z.

Can I do this? Is this doable? And it's not a matter of just asking permission because you know people would because you gotta ask. It's just a matter of a of being considerate because I know our history when it comes to things like credit and money, um, and I know where I've come from. Um. And I still operate in a very broke mentality some days where I tell that there's like a fair of like going back

to where we were at some point. So sometimes I still operating that mentality where deviose like Cadein, everything is taken care of. We've purposely said everything up this way, where whatever is in your account and you see there that's yours to do as you please with Like if you want to write an entire check for the entire amount and give it to somebody, do it because that's

on you. Um. But I just think because we're married, and because we're in a relationship, and because I value his opinion, and because I know we have plans and I know we have goals, I prefer to sometimes still consult with my husband and say, hey, do you think that this is wise for me to make this purchase now? Or should I wait till X y Z is done

before I decide to make this purchase? Or can we find a way to make this a purchase that makes sense for the company so we can write this off where it can Should we mutually benefit us personally but also fessional right? You know, there's so many ways to finagle the system now that I think more and more even just don't the system. Utilize the system for what it is used for. Because so many systems are put in place to be used against us, this is one way we as a family can utilize this system to

benefit us. So it ain't fenagling, it ain't fanagling, it's how the system is supposed to be used. Don't be mad at me because now we're smart enough to set up a trust and add our kids to be beneficiaries of the trust, and they don't get tax for that money as a beneficiary, as opposed to making them an employee and them getting taxed and then the business getting taxed. That that's just the system, that's not fnagling. And and that is the reason why Codeine and I talk about everything.

When I tell you it's not only just Codeine. When I say I got to talk to my wife about this, or talk to my wife about that, you always get the side of like you gotta ask permission, Oh, you gotta do this. And I told us the bread winner, Yes I'm the breadwinner. Yes, yes, I am the breadwinner. But that doesn't mean that I get to make all the financial decisions by myself on my own because I'm the breadwinner. Kaudine and I have planned everything in life

together from everything. That doesn't stop just because one person is making more money than the other. And the sooner you realize that and stop listening to the world tell you how you're supposed to communicate in your marriage and your relationship, you'll be better off to stop listening to people. If this works for y'all. This Nothing works without a plan in life. Nothing works on a plan in life.

And that and that brings us to a lot of the points that we we have here because people ask us all the time, right, where do we start when it comes to planning our life together? You know? When it starts with when it comes to managing your money as a financial as like what were you going to say? Well? No, where does where? Does? Where? Does? It start with a talk? A conversation, and those typically are the conversations that lead to allowance, permission, this, and then people feeling they can

be uncomfortable. But when other people here couples use those words, they get uncomfortable because they're like, wait a minute, I don't want anyone else to have any control over what

I do. And that's the levels to it too, because other than having the conversations just about finances and how to distribute money and what to do with it, then you have those uncomfortable conversations about well, this person makes more money than that person, so this person should have more I guess um, it should have more to say about where the money goes because they make more money.

Or there's the animosity that rises. If someone's not pulling their weight and then still want to reap the benefits of those finances. You know what happens, then you're You're absolutely right when it comes to that. But I'll give you a perfect example. I got a buddy who doesn't make as much money as his wife. His wife is a breadwinner. She's an executive. I think she's an executive at a company. I forgot which company she is, but I don't want to out them because this is But

he works in transit. She makes way more money. She works in the private sector. She makes She's just a money making machine. He works in transit, but he understands finances and resources, and she still comes home as his bank. How are we going to do this? They live a great life because it doesn't matter to her that she makes more money. Her husband has a better financial acumen.

So when it comes to making decisions on her setting up her LLC or that, she went to her husband and he never felt uncomfortable saying, well, my wife makes more money than me, so I'm emasculated. No, it was just like, all right, my wife makes my money. To me, at least I can help her manage us into a better situation, make it grow, and that's ultimately what they did. He he used her money because she made more money to them start a real estate company. And now they

own several properties, several storefronts. And when you ask them now, he doesn't say I'm the breadwinner because this was my idea. She doesn't say I'm the breadwinner. They say they say, collectively, this is what we've done together. So maybe they started with her being a breadwinner and he being a smarter financially. But now at this point they're in their late thirties. They own a real estate company together and they both

call themselves equal partners in the real estate company. But it started with those conversations and leaving the ego aside, understanding who in this situation is smarter, because when it comes to planning trips, doctor's appointments, schools, when stuff with the kids, I don't I'm liking what are we doing like I'm I don't. It's there's no I'm sticking my foot down because I'm the man of the house and

I make the most money. It's like, listen, you're way more responsible and way more apt to make decisions when it comes to this. So what are we doing. Even when it came down to where we live, you would think weaknesses, right, you would think that because I'm the bread winner. I would say, well, I'm choosing where we live and I'm choosing the house. Nope, codem based where we lived on the kid's educational process. So she was like where it started. Anywhere we're looking, we're the best

play exactly, and we branch that from there. So when it comes to managing your money as a married couple, there's no one size fits all solution. It's pretty much what we're saying. Tip Number one for managing your money with your spouse is to talk to your spouse about money. That's what I was saying before. The first thing you talk, talk, figure out what your preferences are, where you both where you both are at financially, and decide what's best for

you and where you want to be. Right. Um, but if you're struggling to figure out where to start money, experts have broken down some effective ways to think about managing your money as a couple. So get out of pen and the paper because this is going to be one of those podcasts where you can take some notes and say, you know what I walked away better because of this. And this also doesn't matter if you're married, engaged, dating,

or single. Listen to some of these tips because if you plan to create a life with someone, this is stuff you want to know before you even get into that serious relationship talk. Money talks are very very important because Kadina and I say this all the time. Marriage is a business. It's a business. You gotta foul taxes together, you have to register your license and under a state like These are things that you have to do as

a business. So it's important for you guys to be able to talk of Couples don't combine finances and manage money completely separately. People who manage money separately from their partners are five times more likely to leave their partner due to money issues, and a third of couples admit to arguing about money at least once a month. Question, when's the last time we've argued about money? Yeah, we haven't. It's been it's been a minute, it's been Oh, I

remember it, do you? Yes? This was It was the Christmas before Cairo was born. Because this was I remember when you walk into the gym that day and we had talked about beginning a divorce because you didn't have no energy to work out and I was like, oh, we argue. We argue about sex, we argue about money. And we had just had an argument because Christmas time, Remember we had spent money on family members and we had tried to create a budget, and of course, as always,

we both went over the budget. And by the time the American Express bill came back, it was like, how how is this possible? And it's going through and who bought what win? And why? That was the last time because we argued that January you told me you were pregnant, and at that point we were just like, all right, we need to focus on communicating better. That's the last

time we argue about money. So we don't that January two six years and that's a very very deliberate plans, yes, about finances and where we wanted to because we knew at that point we had more kids coming and it was like, all right, we got to get out of this apartment in Brooklyn. How is that going to happen? So yeah, all right, so we're gona start. You talk right, find out if your partner is a saver or a spender. That's a good place to start talk about credit scores

and debt. Kind of nice to meet you, Oh awesome, what's your credit score? Like? On the very fast beginning if you're If you're dating, and we don't, we don't typically do this like these are the five questions you should ask when you meet someone. But I believe that if you're dating deliberately speaking about finances. Credit card debt

is extremely important. School debt is extremely important because we have family members who cannot move forward with their life because one family member is in a lot of debt and they can't get approved to purpose purchase a home because of the debt that family member, well that spouse is carrying. Once again, not trying to out anybody, but um, we sat down with this couple and they cried to us and m A large part of the reason why

the debt was carried over was from intergenerational debt. When your parents put you on the phone bill, you want a car, I'll put you on a mortgage and you don't know you why I've had all these responsibilities and I can't write my name. Now you're an adult and your credit scores a five something because you have things in collection because of things that happened to generations before you. So these are conversations you have to have if you're

deliberately dating people. Absolutely figure out what your partner's relationship with an attitude about money is or towards the money. Recognize your differences, set expectations together, no judgment, and just be completely honest. Codeine and I all of these things. Codine and I when we recognizing your differences. Codeine is the oldest child her parents. Her mom in particular, spoils

all of them, and I grew up only child. I would say I was spoiled as well, but my father did a really good job of explaining to me how money works. So Codeine and I came from two different upbringings, so we had two different relationships with money definitely. So when we started to make money, and this is important, right, people think not having money is the problem. Mhmm. Actually having money is the problem. Because Kadine and I, when we were both broke in college never had issues with

money because we didn't have any. It was when we started to make money, when I made it to the NFL, is when now the problems came. You know, they say, more money, more problems. The problems came because we actually have something to argue over. There's there's a resource that we have to figure out how to use, or there's an educational process that's happening for me that I felt stupid about because I'm just like, why was that oblivious to all this stuff? Now I look dumb in this relationship,

you know what. I had my moments where I felt stupid, like, damn, K, you should have known this stuff, where you should have researched it. But I had no idea the repercussions of certain things that I was doing, just because I was like, oh, I never had to worry about it before. Well, let's be honest. Remember when we spoke to Tiffany al the budget need stuff. We talked about the relationship in our cultures that uh, black women have with money as opposed

to black men. Right. Um statistics show that the biggest spenders in this country are black women. Right, So whenever they have marketing campaigns, they market towards black women. And I remember Tiffany Alicia explaining to us that in her house, it was it's just her and her sisters. Her dad never talked to them about finances, and it's it's almost like it's unfair when you have daughters. You don't speak

to your daughters about finances. You buy them nice things, you spoil them, you tell them they're worthy and deserving of everything they want in life, but you don't teach them. I thought it was the other way, and I thought her father did teach them about money, and that's where she got it from. No, because remember she says she struggled. Remember she said she was broke, she was struggled. But but I remember her, and you may be right, but I remember her and I talking about when she she

had moments of struggle. But when we when she talked about meeting with people about resources, a large part of the time, it's women who have never been taught how to manage, because that's never been an expectation. It's always been you know, oh, when you get married, your man will be the provider and you're supposed to do X y Z as opposed to men. More men are taught about finances early on because that's the expectation. It's a

social construct that it's very sexist. But I remember her and not having this conversation, and she was saying, it's very true, like if if you had daughter's devout, would you speak to your daughters about finances? And I had to stop and think for a second, and I had to say and I had to say to myself, Wow, I don't have any daughters, so I never thought about it.

But I would probably spoil my daughters differently than I spoiled my son's because I and also they see how I treat you, so it's like, Okay, dad does this for mom the same way my father spoiled the hell out of my mom. My father handles the finances in the house, and my mom just says, hey, Troy, whatever it is we're doing, if we move in left, then we move in left. Like that's how my parents roll. So that's how he was very purposeful with making sure that you knew what as a man and it's important.

I was saying, it's it's important for us to take the time out with our daughters. Yes, you you are going to be spoiled. You need to find a man that can protect and providing all this other stuff, but you need to understand finances because until you find that man, you need to be able to exist in this world as a fully functioning, independent woman and I think there's a movement more for that now too, for men to have their own and do their own need a man

like think about that. That's that's the narrative that's spewed a lot now too. So I'm glad you brought that up. Being an independent person. If you feel an independent woman, if you feel that you don't need a man, then you don't need to be in a relationship. But you can't be in a relationship with a man and say I don't need a man, because then your actions are saying something that your words are not. And it's the same thing for a man. I don't need a woman

to do nothing. I can just do this on my own. If that's how you feel, can't be in a relationship because in relationships about serving each other. If you feel you don't need this person and you don't want to talk a converse with them about anything you have going on, whether you're a man or a woman, you're setting yourself off a failure. There has to be an understanding that, regardless of what your needs are, you want to be in constant communication with this person so that you can

do life together. And that's important, absolutely absolutely. So let me think what are your options now when it comes to finances, being married, being together? Combine everything, right, so you can combine everything and make sure that you have similar spending patterns, habits, and behaviors. Otherwise you disagree and start arguing about money. Agree to spending thresholds between you, so if you want to pay for something that's more expensive than the threshold, you both need to agree first

to avoid the argument. So I feel like that's something that we kind of started to do when we were working together having the conversation. We combine everything, but it's a little bit of a hybrid, you know what I'm saying. We don't have one account that all the money comes out. You know, we've we've already put the thresholds in place. And this was part of my plan. This was part of what I wanted when I saw my life as a late team. I just had this vision of not

ever wanting to worry about money. So I wanted to make it and I wanted to prepare my life for the future. And by the time the money gets to my account where I can spend it, I'm not worried about my future. At this point. I want all of these uh systems in place to make sure when the money gets to my expense account, I could blow it in a day if I want to. I could save it and I want to and and you and I work to make that plan bring that plane into fruition tears.

But it's it's not the same as two people having one saving account, one checking account and us constantly going back and forth and saying I'm gonna buy this. Are you okay with that? Yeah? And that's that would just be a bit much too. I feel like if that's the point, if they're at that point, then it's just like come on out. But if that works for you, then it works for you because there's also a second

option there it success and buying your money. But the main earner gives the other an allowance, right, make sure you both feel comfortable with the idea of an allowance should not be seen as favor, oh as a favor if one partner is looking after the kids or working as a career, that's a job too, okay, So it doesn't matter if one person looking after the kids or whatever,

but that's that's part of the job. Talk about all types of expenditures um that needs to be covered by the allowance and make sure the monthly or weekly amount is enough. So I think I think that's kind of where we are. But we have separate accounts, Like, well, it's not one of those things where you're standing there every Monday with them with your hand out, like I

think that's where people in envision. I honestly think that's what people envision that there is just like this very like archaic way of trying to say, here, let me hand your money, hatch in your hands, let me give you these coins. You know, that's not how it's working. No, it's not this this one. That one is more about. You know, we have a separate account, but I make more money, and say, for examber one is to stay at home mom or dad, then that person has no

resources to generate. So then it's like, okay, in my account, what do I have. At that point you have to have a conversation, of course, unless you give that person access to the big account, and in which case, if that person doesn't understand money, that can cause trouble because now, when you remember, we used to have this issue too. Becaudine used to look in the account and be like, oh,

so that's what we got. So if I spend this little bit amount then not that big a deal when the money was already spent, right you you see all that money there that goes into the f own k, that goes to the right, that goes to that has to be a mortgage. So that now it's like I still be checking. I'm like, so you sure? Then what I see in my account here is my money that I can do whatever I want with, Okay, And still I'll be over here man frugal, Like, yeah, you've definitely

you've definitely changed. You definitely definitely got mindset. Your mindset has changed. So it's allowed us to live in abundance now because we've become savers. Beca Dean was never a saver because if you think about it, in your life, you've never had anything to save for. Like what were you saving for? You know what I'm saying. So and I've always been a saver because my dad always gave us, like money in small amounts. So from the time I was fourteen, I'll never forget my father would give us

I think it was two fifty a day. He had coins and he had dollars in his bottom drawer. We would get two fifty a day. And I was a freshman in high school, and I used to remember that if I would save ten dollars by the end of the week, I can go to Rag a Muffin on Flatbush Avenue and buy me a Polo shirt. Yeah, because they had they had, yes, yes, so they had all the shirts on wholesale. So I was like, you get me a long sleeve Polo a Polo T shirt for

ten dollars. Were sounded like dinosaurs ago I was nine. When when did I can't even get one of Amazon. There's no name for ten, not for these boys. But let a look at the little like lessons that your dad was teaching you so early on. Like I wonder if he was purposeful about that giving you the two fifty day or was he just thinking, oh, well, this is gonna be their little snack money for the day. That's not knowing that he was teaching you a lesson

in like finance that early on. That's exactly what he was, he told me, you know, And this is so if you went to the corner store, you can get a bacon, egg and cheese, a juice, and possibly like a devil dog and that would be two fifty. So he was giving me enough money to get something to eat. They had nothing to do with um enterprising. But I got to a point where I was saving up money. God forgive me. I was saving up money and buying fake

Coojie sweaters. I was selling the fake Coojie sweaters. So, yeah, I do not know about this whole business you had entrepreneur from early. See one of my homeboys in Madison, Russian dude. He used to get fake Coogie sweaters, right, and he used the tags to say Coogie blue. It wasn't real Coogie, said Coogie Blue. But at the time, this is when Biggie was making Coogie's hot, nobody in the hood really knew what a real Coodie sweater looked like. I'm saying, and if you look close enough to a

Coodie swealler dudes a bite. So I used to save up my money and then I was cutting here. So I used to say to myself, like, yeah, I'm gonna get two one hundred dollars. I gets to a hundred dollars, I could bomb me to fake Coogie sweaters, but then I would sell both of them four hundred dollars each because Coogie sweaters at that time was costing over two hundred dollars. So if you can get a coolie sweater for a hundred, you making it getting big money. So

I was saving my money. I got a whole bunch of money for Christmas this year, and I never forget. I had about five hundred dollars and I bought all these coogie sweaters. It was the sweaters and the sweatpants, and I sold all of them. I wasn't I was an enterprise. I I love that exactly. How you free look at you fourteen years old. Until people found out that day was fake, then what I was out of business, shut you down, and I was just you look at

it and beat you. Yes, that too, that wasn't gonna happen. I had coming right, So then go. The next option is keeping separate accounts, like all together, so just planning everything and communicating regularly. That way you always know what's coming in and going out, deciding how you're going to split the bills, because then splitting bills becomes a whole another topic. So whether it's fifty fifty or another way, or you know, you do the gas, I do the light,

you do the groceries. Um, you need to be clear about how you're going to split responsibilities, and then of course make it feel fair because then fairness becomes a thing right. And then thinking about your partner when making spending decisions, so you'll be sharing the responsibility, so making sure that you're not spending too much, otherwise your partner will need to make up any difference to pay the bills.

So let's talk about splitting bills. There was a point in our marriage where Codeine and I had decided to split bills, just in part so that Codeine could learn some responsibility when they came to where how the money works. So there was there was a point where my ego was like, I don't want my wife paying for no bills. I got everything. And while I was doing that, Dean, because we never talked about it, was running up the credit cards. So now I had all of the household

bills and I had the credit card bills. Then I was like, you know what, not only is this not fair for me to have to try to run behind everything to plean on the bills, is not fair to Cadine because she's not learning. If she's not learning, if something were ever happened to me, my wife would not understand how estate works. So we decided to split the bills, and the bills work the same way today. I handle all of the household bills, the cars, all of the

major investments for our future. Codeine handles the kids, all of the groceries. And I think it's the insured and the insurance insurance. And the reason why this worked for us was because now, before Codein started spending money, she would look at the beginning of the month and say, what are my expenses for the month? That was something she's never had to do in her life before. But all I did was just teach her discipline, and then that's how she became frugal Ellis now because now she

won't spend money on anything. I'm frugal, Ellis because you're my financial father. Okay, my financial father had to explain to me how to make all the things work. And you know, like I said, I had moments where I just felt embarrassed because I was like, well, damn, I didn't know I was doing this. And then I felt bad because I'm like, now I'm making it more difficult

for him. And he already had so much responsibility on his shoulders, and here I am just being like this frivolous person um, so I had to know how to how we should write a book from Frivolous to Frugal, and all the things we did this, you know, to kind of create this new this new found ellis understands. Yeah,

codeine from frivolous to frugal. Now you you, you'd be you'd be killing the the finance game, like you understand the way that I completely get it now it came from conversation, from talking about it and put my ego aside. So so this last one sounds the most like us. It says, combine some split the rest the side which bills, a way to pay from the joint account. Sett on the contribution to pay the joint account each month, whether it's fifty fifty or related to the size of your income.

Think about your spending patterns, habits, and behaviors, and agree what's acceptable to both you, to both of you so that you can avoid disagreements and arguments over money. All of these start with a conversation. We nobody can tell you the best way to figure out your financial situation.

You tuo the only way to do it. And the biggest thing with This is not even the finances, is learning how to communicate, because Kadina I realized real early not marriage that not having money wasn't the biggest issue. It was learning how to community k when to spend the money when we finally had it, which is a

problem that most couples have. People can be broke together all their life and be perfectly fine, but then when they start making money, then priority of who has more right to the money who's Here's another issue when we're doing gifts, because this was an issue for me and Cantin at one point, how much are we going to spend on each person's family? And this is a problem me and candied vol into if we don't like certain members of the other's family, we're spending that much on

that motherfucker. And that's all conversations, because we've also had conversations where it was just like, wait, how much you spend on your mom? I only spend this much on my mom. How come you ain't telling me you were spending this much on your mom before you let me buy this gift for my mom. If you don't have those conversations, then it seemed like it was something that

was done on purpose when realistically it's not. And then we also realized that some things are just not about dollar amounts, like one family member just may not require a third amount you might gonna be spent on a gift based on what it is. So some things then just came down to like, okay, was it the thought when it came to gift giving specifically, but um, some things you want to consider, you know, not letting salary differences come between you. I said, that's a hard one.

It is because I know how well. I'm just saying, I've seen couples where it's gonna be like I make this, you make that, and this person not bringing that, and it becomes an issue for a lot of people. Sentiment thing. What I don't understand. Your salary does not define who you are as a person, absolutely not, so the same way it doesn't define you as a person. It can't define who your partner is to you. So whether your partner makes more money to you or less money than

you cannot define how you see your partner. If you don't want to be defined by your salary. You see what I'm saying. I completely get that, and I know I know, but in my mind teamwork makes the dream work. So if I make a dollar and you make ten dollars together, we got eleven dollars. That's all I care about because at this point I may only be making a dollar today, but tomorrow I may make ten dollars and you may make a dollar. You know what I'm saying.

Are we gonna constantly create this dynamic between us because of who made more money on that day? That's a waste of time. At the end of the day, we got eleven dollars. How can we make this eleven dollars work work for us? How can we grow this eleven dollars? What can we get with this eleven dollars? I love that avoid combining debts being financially linked to someone who can affect your credit score. Remember the car, the car.

I'll never forget this day either. This could have been a story time the Dean had had Jackson and all the issues with the epidural had to have emergency surgery. I go to look at my credit score after that, because now I have a son and I'm trying to figure out how i'mnna buy a house, and later to like the low sixes, and I was like, what in the hell, and I'm looking through everything and they say unpaid card payment and I'm like, I co signed on Caden's car to get us some credit in her name.

She was doing automatic payments with Accura forgot to make them no use doing automatic payments, and the payment didn't come out. And I always tell you, yeah, something had happened with like the accounted over something and I didn't realize. And even if they have automatic payments, always make sure every month that that bill is paid. That is one of the biggest mistakes people make. It was on auto pay, two months go by and the payment never come out. And I used to ask a dean, you don't check

to make sure the payment comes out? Even my bills in auto pay, because yes, I'm an adult. I'm one of those adults who got all my bills on auto pay. But every month on the fifteen, I'm going through every website and I'm like to make sure they don't take out no extra two maybe doing that as well. He was supposed to be taking out two D and sixteen sins, but you took out more. Give me my money back. I'm calling somebody, Comcast. Comcast, Comcast, you should take all

the time, bro, I should be like more. But when we got but seven hundred dollars, she used to be like, let me listen. Yeah it was Aggie, Maggie anyho um. Set money rules with your partner, keep all purchase purchases out in the open, all right. I hope, y'all I was able to, you know, jot down some things and and make some things work within your relationship. But again, it has to work for y'all. This is what works for us, all right. I think we should take a

break because we have to pay some bills. Okay, talking about money, and then we have listener letters coming up right after that. All right, we're back with listening letters. Let's dive right into it. Hey, de Val, I love you guys, and I want you to know I'm team Ellis for life. Love that, Thank you. I support the whole family, and I love me some Meet me off that unfan. She's a beautiful woman. Your family teaches millions of young women like me what family is and can be.

Thank you for that. And one of six children. Biologically, growing up with my birth mom was an addict, being that we grew up in and out of foster care with different family members having custody of us. We grew up fast, and we grew up in some harsh conditions. I knew we couldn't afford named brands, and we were And there were many Christmas mornings and birthdays where the

angels tree or nothing at all was received. Oh man, um, I wouldn't be who I am without someone, whether it's a stranger or someone familiar, helping me along my journey. As I've gotten older, I've been hearing that trauma bonds are bad and that they can hinder you. In my life, I've always felt like if a person is there for you in your time of need, then you should be loyal to them, loyal to them forever. I've been called an overcompensator and that I'm naive of friends taking advantage

of me, and even family members and even partners. So can you explain how to decipher what's a trauma bond and what's loyalty? Any advice will help because I'm kind of lost. I mean, aren't we supposed to be givers to those who have to us? I I understand where she's coming from, but you know, remember we were speaking with one of our guests this weekend and He definitely has a trauma bond with one of his best friends.

Been through life together and his best friend was there for him, you know, when he when he needed them. But now we were at a point where taking advant he's ultimately enabling his best friend to take advantage of him. Um, they had some business, they've done some business together. The friend overstepped, lost some money, damaged some property, and had no way to help pay you back. In his mind, he's like, oh, well, this friend got me, so I

ain't worried about it. Now that friend is in the process of being sued by people because and he's like, d what do I do? And I'm like, bro, there's no what do I do. You have to learn how to look at relationships and only being relationships that you feel comfortable serving and serve you. If the relationship does not serve you and you don't feel comfortable serving them, that's a trauma bond. That's not someone just being loyal.

This is just guilt, Like I have to be here for this person because you know when I and here's the thing. People love to be there for you when you're in your worst. Because I say this all the time of the world's wealth is controlled by one percent of the population, so vast majority of the people in the world are not happy with their situation, especially financially.

When they see someone else in need, or they see someone else who's doing worse than them, that's a way for them to feel better by them feel better about themselves. I've watched a lot of people in my life only want to be around people when they're doing bad that

they can feel like a savior. Then when that person starts to do well, they distance themselves, and then the person that they helped often feels guilty, like I don't know how to help this person, but this person was there when to help me, but that person doesn't even

want help. You know that that person likes that feeling and also will utilize that against you to constantly bring you back down to make you feel bad because they are not doing what they want to do in life, you have careful of manipulative people like that in life are a lot of them, especially people who know your history. Like you said, people just pretty much know that you've come from a tough background, that you've been in these harsh conditions growing up, so they can instantly see you

as a target in that circumstance. So yeah, I think at this point too, now you may be able to decipher. You should be able to decipher the difference between the loyalty and people who you know deep down are just in it for ulterior reasons. And it's simple. Do I feel comfortable serving this person or do I feel guilty? That's one. If you feel guilty and you have to serve this person, that's a red flag. But does this person serve you in any way? If that answer is no,

then you already know what it is. You know, when people show you who they are, believe them the first time. Stop talking yourself into believing someone else is better than don't do it. Don't do it saves you a lot of time. Yes, ma'am number two whatever, You're all a huge fan. Thank you so much. I love y'all, and what you do, I'm gonna dive right into it. I'm twenty three and moved out to Utah soon after graduating from college in Texas for an opportunity that I saw

was a huge step in the right direction at the time. Wrong. I only make forty seven thousand dollars a year, no benefits, can't afford to live close to where I work, so I live in our plus away and I'm fed up. I'm very ambitious, so I currently work during doing custom homes with plans to get my real estate license and dive into investing in short term rentals. I have a plan, but I do not have financial stability right now, so I plan on moving back home to gather myself and

move forward. The problem is I've gotten tons of rejection letters from well respected companies with excuse me, with competitive of pay and benefits. In addition, my mental health has suffered from the rejection letters, not getting a job that I so badly wanted after rounds of interviews and my current job being asked sounds likely from New York. Money don't make itself, and I know I got to stay motivated to chase it, but damn, how do I recover mentally?

What would you do if you were me? Any advice as far as planning, because ship going too slow for me and I worked too hard. Thank you all. There's nothing like feeling like you're just in a dead end situation where you're just pounding the pavement and nothing is happening. If you have the ability to go back home, go back home. If you have the ability to go back home, go back home. And if you have the ability excuse me how I started to get my little preacher voice

on there. Now, if you have the ability to go back home to a place where you can gather yourself, go back home. There is no shame in that. I think there's this this emphasis on, oh I graduated, I'm out of college. Let me get out of the house now, because it's like I got to get out and do my own thing, because yeah, there is that desire to do that. But I hope that we can be the parents where if our kids are stumbling a bit, we can say, come back home and figure things out for

a bit. And it's not a matter of enabling them, but just really seeing that this is a person who's hard working. You thought this was a situation that was going to go right here. You are now driving an hour into work plus and then driving back home, so you have what a three hour commute round trip, and then now you're still working to do the custom homes and the plan. So you're clearly somebody who has the drive and has the admission, but you just stumbled upon

a hard time. People are gonna have hard times. In the past twenty years, the vol and I have had fair share of hard time. But it gets better, gets better. And and here's the thing. There's no wrong decisions in life, right and there's no losses. There's only lessons. You moved out to Utah, you took a job, it didn't work out. That's a lesson. That's not a bad decision. I had this conversation with with a bunch of my college kids when they were trying to decide where they're going to

go to school. These kids get offers, They're like, oh, course about I don't want to make a bad decision. Hindsight is always, which means you can always look back in your life and say this was a bad decision. That was a bad decision, But you have to live it first in order for you to recognize what the decision is, which means it's not a bad decision, it's

a life lesson. There have been plenty of decisions. For example, me invested in the stock market in two thousand and eight, buying property in two thousand and eight when the recession was about to happen in two thousand and nine. I can look back on it now and say that was a terrible decision, but I had to live that to now be able to make the money I make now and say, ah ha, I've been through this already. People ask us all the time, how did we survive during

this recent recession, during the pandemic. I've learned how to pivot. You want to know why, Coaudina and I have made a ton of decisions early on in our life, and we had to struggle for a decade to get back to where we were. But now we're in a position with all of that knowledge, all of those quote unquote add wrong decisions to make decisions to put us ahead. So listen, do not be down on yourself. Pick your head up. Listen to what my wife said, because I'll

tell you right now. When we first moved back to Brooklyn, when I tell you I thought that that was a step back, that would be an understatement. Here we are in uh four bedroom home, finished basement, front yard, backyard in the cul de sac, in the suburbs in Michigan, had to move back to an apartment that was rent stabilized in Brooklyn after being in the NFL. You think your life is bad now you you make forty seven

thousand dollars a year. You know how much money I was making when I first came back from the league, And you said you were driving an hour to and from work. I was driving an hour and a half from Brooklyn to Staten Island in traffic and paying twelve fifty and tolls. So I was paying more in tolls and gas and I was making But for those two years, I gained experience to build my business, to create a lucrative, lucrative company that made codein and I over a quarter

million dollars a year at one point. But if it wasn't for those two years of service to that company, Paris School and Staten Island sacrifice, I would have never learned. So everything you're going through now, Mama, is a learning process. Trust the process. If you want to go back home, go back home, regroup. I was going to quote Tiffany Elecha Renumber. She had her a condo and all this other stuff, and she was a teacher. She had to move back home and she said she was broke. Now

she's making eight nine figures a year. All of those are life lessons, baby, Absolutely just makes the story that much sweeter. Absolutely, tell people got to where you're at right, and don't think that life my bad. Don't think that life is going to pass you by ten years to anybody sounds like a long time, But ten years for Codein and I was what we needed to build the empire we have now. And we're only in our late thirties.

So think about that when when you think that I've been here for two years, three years as long, it's a condeina and I a decade to get back m hm. And we're doing it. That's a fact. Doing it well, do it baby, just right? All right, y'all keep writing into us. We'd love to see the emails flooding into dead ass advice. So if you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, be sure to email us right there spelled out for them, babe. That's D E A D A S S A D V I

C E at gmail dot dot com. All right, moment the true times before we wrap it up and get out of here with y'all today. Money and marriage, Money and marriage. There you go first, money and marriage. There

is no one size, fixed all for money marriage. Never try to tell and make your marriage to anyone else's expectations, especially when it comes to expenses, do what's in the best interest for you and your spouse, continue to communicate and make as much money as possible, because we live in a capitalist country and you need money to survive.

Dead ass love that um. For me, I feel like it's just one of those things where, like you know, I admittedly know what I don't know, right, that's the one thing I can admit what I don't know, and being truthful in admitting that I don't know certain things allowed me the opportunity to learn. So if you are that person that may not know about finance, that you

just it's not your strong suit. You don't have a healthy relationship with money Historically, you're trying to find ways to decipher how to maneuver with the resources that you do have. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to lean on the dominant spouse or the dominant person in the relationship if they tend to be a little bit more UM savvy or have a higher acumen when it comes to finance. It's okay to not feel bad.

It's okay to put an ego aside and say I just don't know I've made this mistake, and then make the plan to recover. Yes, all right, y'all, well find us on social media after all that, see how I'm not spending my money and then ask the podcast and you can find me a cadeen I am. And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review

and subscribe. Dead As dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as to podcasts and never miss a Thing