Doin’ It and Doin’ It Wild

a millennium married couple. Dead ass is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to think feel off to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now. Story time, storytime, Baby. Let the people know how we

got to this point. All right, So listen, y'all have heard in previous episodes and seasons um us talk about some of our issues that we had so so much about why we've had certain things stifling our sex life, or actually trying to figure out what was stifling our life. Right. So it was funny because I was thinking to myself, Oh my god, season five, we're talking about sex again, and it almost felt very monotonous and mundane, like we're

talking about the same things over and over again. But I am happy to say that I feel like we have figured something out. Well before you even say that. It may be mundane to us because we talk about it, but all we get is sex questions because that seems to be an issue in relationship and people are looking for an answer. And I think that we've kind of figured something out here. Can I get back to my story?

So I go to my doctor for my annual you know, check up pap all that good stuff, pap smear if people don't know what a PAP is um And at that time I expressed to her that, you know, I felt like I was having some issues with my sex life that was lasting a lot longer than I anticipated. At first, I thought it was the children. I thought it was maybe fatigue. You know, you're trying to figure out things trial and error, do you know, troubleshooting um.

And then it kind of hit me like, I wonder if my method of contraception was you know, causing some kind of issue. So I had the I U D in place, and I had that in after Caz at my six week check up, I was like, young about to catch me slipping. I got this this I U D in place, and we're good to go. Then she recommended to me, did you think of maybe trying something

else and taking the IU D out? And I was like, that actually might work because I know at some points did all and I have felt on either ends a little bit of discomfort just knowing that that was in my body so and physically feeling the discomfort, like there was times even with Jackson where I was like I could feel it, yeah, exactly, and then you were just like,

and it feels uncomfortable. So after trying to figure out, like what other method of contraception I should get in trying to figure out what to do, I was like, you know what, let me give my body a little break and take the I U DAL and we'll figure out another method of method contraception. Then once that was done, it also spiraled into us being in New York, living at home with my family in my parents house with

the boys. This was around the holiday times when we were trying to decide if we're going to go back to California. Or not for the holidays. But of course California went back into lockdown and we were forced to stay in New York. So then again the io D was not in place, but it was back to having quiet sex in my parents house because why the house is a lot smaller. There's about ten to eleven of us in the house. We're just trying to get in

where we fit in. And it wasn't until de Val and I had a little rendezvous kind of like you know, young college kids. I won't tell you where in her parents room. It was like a moment that just hit us, like yo, the spontaneity by ourselves actually recording an ad for the podcast in my mom's closet because that had the best acoustics, and I was just like, you know what. Vats kind of gave me a look. It was on and popping. Nobody else was in the house at that time.

It was just us and that particular moment, that session of a light bulb, we figured out what the issue was. This song It's Karaoke means so much. This is another song at the top of that repeat playlist, absolutely because it means so much in its lyrics. It's real, it's real fact. Let me start this. All you ready, I'm ready? Will we hey, will we will we mm hmm when we will we. I like it when you lose, Hey, I like it when you go there. I like the

way you use it. I like that you don't play hey recipe for the disaster when I'm just trying to take my time. Stroke is getting deep and faster. You're screaming like I'm on a line. Who came to mix week, Not me who came to get in. Oh, not me who came to beating Rocky m We don't use them as to put up that game to stop me up when we fun when we Yo take My Man one of my favorite songs of all times. That is a whole fact. But the words in those songs reigned supreme

with codeine and h listen. I'm just gonna put it out there right in the event that we were to happen at the child I literally text zena thank his wife, and I was like us, let tank know that anyhow another baby comes out of this relationship. He is the godfather. Yes, you gotta be gott to be It's probably gonna be made to that song, because um, sex is good making love is good, but there was nothing like when we fucked. There was nothing like it. And we have we have learned,

like there's ten years in this marriage. We've learned now that like we have different levels of love making, but when we fuck, we'd be like, that's that's how, that's how. That's going back to the story time, going back to story time's right exactly. There was a perfect storm of events. It happened there right because she got the I U D taken out and then at the same time for the first time, and I would say seven eight months, we had a long time because the pandemic force us

to be in the house. We couldn't travel, and we kind of wonderment, like what was going on with our sex life, and if it wasn't us at home with the kids, it was with my parents who were also locked down with us for four months. You know. It was some combinations. But that was the first time in years, because of the contraceptive that we had no kids, no mom, and no I U D. And that was the first time that we had had that like that raw animalistic

sex like college. And I heard you make sounds that you haven't made in a long time, and I was like, yeah, okay, I think I figured it out, and she was like, what, I think that I U D might have been messing with your sex drive and then we discussed it. I was just like when when you put the I U D in the beginning, you felt tender. So we had sex, you know, slightly, lightly, but it never really went back to how we typically had sex. No, it never subsided

that feeling of tenderness. Or maybe it was also mental for me knowing that there was something there, a foreign object, so you always putting the gate right, yeah, you know, and for people don't know what the gate is, that's when the hands go to the to the pelvis. When I'm trying to, you know what I'm saying, do my thing. I would feel the gate come up and I'd like, you are right, and she'd be like right there, right there, just don't don't go too much further. So it was

like restricting. And then there were times when we even try to go all the way and I would be like, y'all think I feel it, And it made both of us nervous because I'm with Jackson. What people don't know is that I was feeling her I U D. And then she went to the doctor and she said I was starting to come out. It was literally like it was like, go on this way out, which is not

good for her or good for me. So we've always had that thing in the back of our minds, but I felt like that was putting a mental block for both of us, that there was something in you that was foreign, and then you feeling it and me feeling it made us adjust the way we were having sex, and then sex wasn't as pleasure for for you or for me. On top of that, we always had to worry about a kid busting in the door or your mom hearing us. And then with the pandemic, your mom

and your dad was in the house. So this was the first time in like months years well the i U D and then I'm talking about the kids, that we were able to have the type of sex that

we have to. But you know what also helped after the fact too, which we've noticed the pattern which made us come to this conclusion now, was when you took me to the city for my birthday, my birthday weekend, which was shortly after we got to New York, and we had that moment in my my mom my parents room and then we get to a hotel and was just like, Yo, is it that I have to take

you somewhere for us to have you know? Yeah, the argument used to be like, is it that I have to take you somewhere and spend money for us to just have a good time and it be like the old days? And to me it was just like no, I mean, yeah, there is a little bit like a fun when you're like on vacation or you're like in a hotel, or you're doing something that's not the norm or it's not like the day to day. Of course, creating that kind of environment does make you kind of,

you know, be a little bit more adventurous. But um, we did notice after that particular um birthday weekend, the little stay cation that we did it in New York. I was like, wait, this might be like a thing now, and it was. It was a thing because remember we had had another stay cation right after that with the kids in the hotel room and you and I were trying to get it in because we were in a

different environment. So we think the environment is different. So we're staying at the one hotel by Brooklyn Bridge is a nice view and everything we way up late at night, wait for the kids to go to sleep, and me and K trying to do it and it's not because and and that's when we were like, yo, it's the kid. It was just too many things cramping our style. At that point, between that and then people being in our space, we just realized we needed our space. So that being said, Um,

things have been I think way better too. Also because we have the space now where we're in the new homes, everybody kind of has their domains that they can be in. Um, we just have to learn to put the lock on the door. His kids were still walking, still walking and logan um. But yeah, it was kind of refreshing for us to kind of reach this point where we felt like, wow,

we're in a way better place. And I think also mentally I had a block up because I always felt like sex came with this negativity and it was the built up negativity that we'd had in prior seasons on the podcast that we spoke about, or there's prior years for us where it was just was always like a

daunting thing. Um. I think also to in addition to the I U D. Making time for ourselves solely without anyone around and also to changing the negative mindset I had around it, where it's just like, oh damn, it's rolling on day day two, you know, since we've had sex, no I want to have to do it again soon, And that in itself just made it a very you know, put a bad taste in my mouth when it came to it and it became like a chore. But but

do you physically feel like you've enjoyed sex more? Absolutely, absolutely, because there's less restraints. I feel like there's less of a mental block for me to thinking like, oh my god, my iu D is going to get this and it's going to end up in my esophagus. But I think that that's the key though, because if you enjoy sex more, you want to want to have it more exactly, you know what I'm saying. And I think that was a

big part of it. First of all enjoying it more because we don't have to deal with the contrastructive but then also wanting to have it more, and then putting you in the place and putting me in a place where we could have it the way we want to have it. Because there's one thing about sex is everyone enjoys that animalistic you know attraction where it's it's not planned. It just like that that time and your your mother

and your father's room. We were in the closet and you have nothing sexy about the situation as far as I can remember in terms of the how, I don't know. It wasn't say, you know what I mean. I think it was the house closed, and we were just like quick.

You had on tights that you always have on. But I remember coming out of the closet and it was just quiet for the first time in months because there was nobody there with us, so it was just quiet, and you had on tights and you put the remember you put the laptop on the bed and you had leaned over the bed just to finish sending it to the noora. And then I remember I just pressed myself up against you and then you kind of look back

at me, and I was just like yeah. And then from there it was just like college, like bang bang bang, and I heard you say things and it felt like how sex had not felt for us in a long time. And I knew at knowing that at the time, like you didn't have the I U D. I wasn't holding back and you wasn't putting the fence up. So at the same time I'm not holding back and you're not putting the fence up. It felt like this is the moment.

These are the moments that you, you know, you get inspired to have, like those quick moments where it's just like, bam, I want to do this to my wife, even after eighteen years years of not having that can definitely change

your perspective of starting to have sex. You know what I'm saying, because even for me as a man, when you start to have sex with your wife and when you're getting ready to get into your moon moment and she's us putting her hands to slow you down and push you off, then you're starting to feel like, you know, how doing Am I doing something wrong? Do you not

have sex? And then it starts to mess with your mind right, So, and that you had moments like that where you were just like mentally like I'm thinking too much about what's happening here, and you're always the considerate lever to like considering how I feel, yeah, exactly, and

making sure I'm taking care of um. So that part two, I know for you it was like a really big mental thing that you're just like, I don't know what's going on here, but I mean, it's commonly believed that hormonal birth control it lowers sex drive by lowering levels of testosterone in the woman's body, which is funny because when it's about to be that time of the month for women, that's actually when test asterone spikes, And it's always funny because you're just like, wow, you normally want

to do it when we can't do it, you know. Um. But as a result, according to research, UM, it doesn't necessarily reflect the same I guess everyone's body is different. Yes, so, according to several studies, on average, women reported having no

change in sex drive while using birth control. But since there's not that much scientific information about you know, the female sexual pleasure and the sexual anatomy available to us, and every woman's physiology, everyone's psychology, their experience being different, the average experience isn't everyone's experience. UM. And I think one thing that we both were invested in was really trying to figure out why this wasn't working, because it

wasn't for lack of attraction. I think sometimes people wonder over the years, if you're married to somebody for a certain amount of time, is it that we lose attraction physically? You know? Um? And one thing you always said to me was like, Babe, I'm always trying to stay in shape for you. You know, I want you to stay in shape for me. I want us to be able

to be healthy but also look good for each other. Um. And that was an aim for me as well after you know, even just having children, like, wanted to get my body back in shape, not just for myself but for you as well. So you kind of throw those things there, and then the egos tend to also take a hit as well, because you're wondering if I don't look good enough. You know, men to having, like you've said, their own, um questions in their mind, like you know,

am I do it right? And as a as a man, as a man, you when you start to have sex, your thought processes is she attracted to me? Is it big enough? Do I last long enough? And am I doing it right? Like? Those are the things that you think about when you get into having sex with any woman. And then if it's your wife, you're wondering, like can I sustain this throughout life to make sure that she still wants to have sex? As we get older. You

know what I'm saying. So when your wife's body starts to change, or she goes through a deficit and her sexual drive, the first thing for me was to say, what am I not doing properly? You know what I'm saying? What's wrong with me? You know what I'm saying, Because it's like I'm the same person I was when we got together. I'm saying I gained a little bit of weight. I'm a little bit bigger now. You know what I'm saying,

am I hearing? Here? Ain't as it was? It was a whole as bubble head When I met you, I was skinny like a lollipop, like a pot spoon. So that's how But that's how I feel like I was. I'm more of a man now than I was when you first started. There should have been more attractive, super attractive, no, for sure. So that's why I, in turn felt like it was something internal for me, which is why I felt like I was almost at my wits in like, what is it about my body? What is it about?

Is it my body chemistry? Is it something psychological with me that was causing this gate up? In a different sense, which also led me to my doctor, and it's just like, girl, like, this is what's happening? Can you suggest something to me? Because I felt like it had to be something internal. Um and then of course, like you know, there's day to day things like you know, the children and being tired and work and stuff like that. But I also

felt like it was something deeper than that. So for me, it was just like, you know, frequency is not going to be good or does it make sense if it's not good? Because frequency was not our problem. Frequency. You know, we we have sex routinely and consistently, uh, two to three times a week, just on average, and there's some weeks where we're just like I wanted more. I wanted four times a week. Sometimes don't want to find something. So, uh,

consistency wasn't the problem. The problem was the act of having sex and then feeling like a chore. Because listen to two thousand seventeen study appeared in the Archives of Sexual Behavior that I found that the average adult currently enjoys sex fifty four times a year. That equates to about once a week. You're far from average, So I've never done anything average in my life. So that's that's

I'm not gonna start with sex. Now, I'm not gonna be like I've exceeded everything else in the sex average. I'm not doing that, So I don't even want to even think about that being a possibility. But what I what I have noticed is that UM psychologically with you particularly like you have to have an escape from the kids, Like you have to have an escape because even you know, even when we're away on vacation, if the kids are in the room with us, or the kids or somewhere else,

you're always thinking of out them. So the only time I can really get you the focus on just being in this moment is if the kids are nowhere in your vicinity to where you can you're paying attention to them, you know what I'm saying. So I remember we used to have this argument all the time. I used to be like, why do I got to spend thousands of dollars to go on vacation to get my wife back?

And I felt like that was unfair. It's like, at any time I'm looking to get something, I have to spend money, right, But I do, I do realize that you can't escape, like you can't escape from something that you like no one's there, even if you're saying, don't think about it. For me, I can think that I could really be like the kids coming like I don't, I don't care, Like they could be at the door knocking and I'll be like, yo, they'll be fine. It'll

be fine for the next twelve fifteen minutes. I'm gonna say. I'm gonna say that recent story, this situation for a story time. We got another funny story. Times it's hilarious, but we'll but it feels good though. Feel It feels good to reach a breakthrough because it comes points where you're like, I don't know what to do. I don't know what the problem is. Let me tell you I was to the point where check it out. Sometimes a low sex drive can be the result of issues such

as hyperactive sexual desire disorder. I thought I had a whole last disorder. They put labels on everything I did, A disorder that reduces your level of interest and enjoyment from sex. Let me d D is treatable by using medications that they'd be trying to medicate everybody. And I was just like, man, I don't know if I was at that point either. I was trying all sorts of old natural stuff. I was like, let me boil this route and have somebody to send me up some stuff

from Jamaica just to see if it'll work. This is what I will say, right, this is this is what I know for a fact, Codeine. I don't know if you want, I don't want to put your business out there, but there's certain positions, there's certain positions that Codeine loves

to do. And is it fair to say that. I think a lot of people have their favorite, right, So you said, don't put your beIN something not going to the positions out there, right, But while you were on the I U D those positions were uncomfortable for you, and I think that you couldn't do those positions and sex became boring for you because those positions that you like to do, we weren't able to do because you were just kind of like you used, I'm trying not

to put your business on the street. But then we would go to do those and you would put the wall up, or you will, you would put that, you put that, and you put them in down and be like no, no no, no, no no no. So then it's like I can't do it a second. You used to like that, I used to be like, what's going on? You used to love that. In terms of traffic light, the green light is not like a yellowish slow yellow.

But I think because we've made it more enjoyable now you want to do it more because more recently you've been like and it can be without like a develop vacation me like a fly me out, Like it doesn't have to be that. That's still cute. So don't stop that now. Don't stop that now, just because the space where we could do it, and at least we're on one side of the house. My mom is like downstairs on the other side of the house. She always gonna

find of vacation guys. So what I'm want to do if he's just un necessary to regroup and to just like have a change of the atmosphere. That's what That's what I wanted to touch on too. When it comes to sex life, vacations are important because people tend to bond over new experiences, right, and even if you watch the movies and stuff, those are erotic experiences or those exciting experiences that happened typically happen under stress, where something

new has happened. When you get excited, right, how do you excite those erogenous zones without touching someone typically happens when you see things that make you excited. So I do honestly feel like traveling and seeing new things and experiencing new things, whether it be hiking or bungee jumping or zip lining like we did, UM really does get you excited. Like we'll do things like that, and then when we go back to the room, you'll be horny because it's almost like if you feel like a kid again.

You know, like there's certain kids that you kind of just like put away whenever you are on vacation, and it's just like who won't like to drop it like it's hot, you know, after coming out coming in from the beach or you know, from a trip, from an excursion or whatever. Like things like that I think definitely will help UM too. And then also to being in a mental space that's better. I feel like we've been in a better mental space together as a couple. We've

talked about being more of service to each other. We talked about levels of intimacy as well that we're looking forward to over the next ten years. So I think before the actual act of that raw like you say, animalistic sex, that's great, But the way we get to

it now, I feel like it's way more organic. Um, it's way more authentic to to us because we're really tuned into each other and we spend days where we're just like walking past each other and it's like i'll give you a look, you give me a look, or grab my butt or you know, I'll grab your chest or whatever it may be. Um, and it's almost just to let you know, like I see you. And and those moments of intimacy that we have, though they'd be quick during the day, kind of calming, eat up at

night or morning or whenever we can. And I think that we've both been more deliberate with that, Like I've always grabbed you, but like that's just you. You can't work by me in my hand. Don't just go like that. It's almost like a knee joke reaction at this point.

But what it just We talked about this on another podcast where we talked about being delivered, about being of service, right, and not just being of service in the moment to get something in return, but constantly being of service to somebody. So if you're constantly of service to your spouse, of course they're going to want to reciprocate, and I think that both of us have been more deliberate about being of service. So the reciprocation is just coming naturally and

it's working its way to the bedroom. On top of the fact that you don't have the I U D no more so, just when people know they're asking, well, what if you don't use I D, We're using um palm, which is POM. It's called the pullout method, all right. It's also called prayer prayer over medicine, all right. So I don't know how long that's gonna last. We've been pretty pretty pretty successful, we have been past years. It takes trust, you know what I'm saying about getting pregnant

and all those fails too. I kind of feel like, if that doesn't work out or we're not relying on that, because I don't rely on that as full proof, we can always go with something that's a little bit more shortshot. There's the s D M let me sorry, the SDB method. I don't know if you've heard of it. S dB you make yourself? Is that a pill? But it's it's it's the snip them balls, snip them, meaning like, okay, I've had three children and then we are done, and you can why you got to be so vogar? Why

you got to be so vogar? Don't use the V word. Do not use the V word on this podcast. Do not, Hey, do not. You know what I mean. I'm just saying it might just be your turn. I'll say this, I'll say this, right if if we have another baby after that, snip snip, but snip snippy snip snips a s dB. So, but if we don't, what if we decide or you know, we I we decide that we're not gonna have a fourth, then we're going to have to decide whether or not

I'm gonna stb. That's fair, fair rights, and I'm willing to do it because you've put your body through a lot of trauma over years having children, being on birth control. Right, so I'm saying here, gain weight. So I'm willing to do that. And I know it'll make our sex life better because if we don't have to focus on no contraceptive at all, right, because if we're trying to combat pregnancy and it's just me you, then hey, then we're good. You could swing from the shandel from the and if

you're not worried about you know, you'll be good. Swing like that. Dang langs see you nasty. See guys, ever since you got off the I U D. She been nasty like something too. For like your your psyche, like the way you feel like your mood mood is also very much affected by even with them. Yeah, I mean I had the non hormonal one, but I feel like, man, that should be giving off something too. You just never know. I mean, you know better than I know because it

was inside. But but I will say that there was a like a stark difference once you took that I

U D out. It went from it was like night and day, like there was I U D and there we were struggling the minute she took it out, and I was just like, babe, I think that's what it was, and then you know it's And then the good thing is we're reaching a point now because and when you think about married couples, if you're both very sexually active with each other, you do choose a contraceptive that will prevent you from having kids so that you don't have

to continue to reproduce, But you don't realize how that's gonna affect your sex drive, Like a lot of people don't realize that. You think, oh, you know, even condoms, condoms affect people's sex drive. Like some dudes hate condoms.

Some women's bodies respond terribly too condoms. So I think as married couples, we have to start to continue to discuss how these contraceptives are affecting our sex lives, our sex drives, and what other options we have, you know what I'm saying to to counteract that so that we can you know, have fun being married. So it doesn't seem so daunting to exactly And it's just like, you know, I don't want to have to say place blame for

example anymore. I feel like at that point, I was really trying to figure out, well, if it's not me, maybe it's the kids, maybe it's just it was a culmination of things, yes, but I think it required a little bit of research, and it's something that mattered to me to be able to figure out, because I didn't want to just continue to live in the space that we were in where you felt as if you were unwanted or that you were neglected, um, that your needs were not met in that department UM too. So I'm

feeling pretty good about where we're at. But think about this, though, contraceptives have always been an issue for us throughout our relationship before eighteen years, because when we first met we were responsible. We wore condoms right then in all honesty, we got comfortable with each other. I didn't like wearing condoms. Ain't like the condoms, so we stopped wearing condoms when we used to pull out method. But we got nervous about having babies. So that time when we weren't using condoms,

our sex life was jumping. We was It was like in college. It was on and popping, but then you had got on the pill at one point and it messed with you. Um, I think you tried to patrol. It was the ring. I tried to ring for a

little bit. That didn't work out. But I feel like all of those different things have because naturally, you're not supposed to stop what's supposed to be so normal, you know, saying what's supposed to be so animalistic and esoteric at the same time, because your spirits and your your souls get involved with having sex. So when you're stopping it by using something, it seems like there's a break in between so yeah, and even so I feel like even now we've had a lot more like emotionally charged sex

too since that, you know what I mean. We used to have sex in college, right, And there was a time in colleus having sex and Kadina just started crying and I'm like and I used to be like, I'm like, what's what's the matter And she'd be like, I don't know, I'd just been called up to me. We cry, but it was a cute little like, oh my god, I love you so much. Cry. We were listening to what song? Do you remember what song it was? Yes? I do remember. It was two times it happened one Do you remember

both of them soundtrack? Yeah? The first one was Beauty by Drew Hill the second one and the second one was Speechless by beyont my girl. That's listening, that's that's on? Ye. Yes, okay, don't do karaoke time. Karaoke time is past. Yes, but it's good. I'm feeling good. Where we at. Pound me up, dap me up. I always pound you up, at me now, pound you up, pound you out. That's the fact. Well, let's go pay some bills real quickly. Back, Okay, before

this takes a sharp turn. Okay, we're gonna take a real quick break, y'all, and I get back into some listening letters. All right, and we're back. Yes, listen to letters. We're listening to y'all. What you got to say? You've got the right one up. Oh here we go. All right. Hello, First and foremost, my wife and I enjoy your podcast very much, Thank you so much. When guys right in, Yes, and we listened to it as a couple, which as you should. We have two young sons, ages one and four,

who love to sleep in the bed with us. We remember the days when we just when it was just us and sex came as easy as breathing. Now, with the kids in the bed, it seems as if we've developed sexual asthma. Sexual feels like do you guys, do you guys have this issue? How do we once and for all kick the kids out? Okay, well, I mean we kind of implemented. I want to say, after jack I kicked my kids out the bed, y'all, I kicked them out. I said, guys, I said, kay, kay, this

this can't be. Yeah. Jackson was in the there with us for a long time, and that tends to happen when you have your first child sometimes unless you're very deliberate, and he was kind of he was in and out of our bed, i should say for a long time. Um. And it was a convenience that came with with Nur

saying restating overnight things like that. Um, that made it really easy, you know, because sometimes it's just like is it sleep or is it the kid being in the room, Like you just some things you're gonna have to sacrifice. But then then comes a point when you just have to kind of get him out of bed. So not even just for sex, started just to sleep because they get told sleep crazy. We used to call Jacks and come kung Fu Panda in the good because he just

used to be all over the place. But then yeah, early on with Cairo, we kind of implemented the sleeping in the basternet to try and to even if he was in the room with us, taking him out of the bed, putting him in the basse neet. And then when he became too big for the bast neet he was about three months and then we were just like, okay, we're going to have to do the Ferber method. We

kind of loosely did the Ferber method. Um. Cairo was great in that he maybe cried the first night for two minutes, and then he was fine after that and then he became accustomed to his bed. Um. Same thing with Kazeh. So it's yeah, you're just gonna have to do it. Bro want it up. Yeah, I mean just kick them out. No, just kick them out. But I'm saying there four and one, kick them out, take them out the bed, kick them outther Maybe most of the time parents have issues taking them out of bed, and

it don't be the kids and be the parents. One parent wants to keep the child. It's realistically, these kids have to learn how to self suite, right, and who teaches them how to self suit us? As parents? Typically the problem is not that the child. The problem is one of the parents or both of the parents. They feel more comfortable with the child there. If y'all want the kids out the bed, they put them out the bed.

But I was making a suggestion and that if they're one and four, there's they're young enough where maybe you can put them together, if they're used to having like a codependency or a sleep partner, put them together in the bed. Because my brother and I when were younger, slept together in the same bed, you know, while we

were younger, and then eventually I grew that. But I don't think the problem is Seriously, I don't think the problem And this is what I think sometimes we do is we try to spoon feed to other people without dealing with what the issue is. When we make these suggestions, its just like, well, I can't get them out the bed because this one won't sleep this way or that one.

I don't know, know. Those are all excuses that you've created in your mind and sometimes parents as a reason as to why the child needs to continue to sleep in the bed when realistically get them out of the bed. And I've seen that with a lot of couples, and we did that as well, you know what I'm saying. Even with Jackson, he's by himself and he needs to do this us. And even with Kaz and Cairo, there were times when we made excuses for them because we

felt better with them being in the bed. But then when we got tired of it, I'd be like, yo, go sleeping in bedroom, Do not leave this bed? And what would they do that to this day, because what do they do will be the one and they go to sleep in the bed. And ultimately, that's my point. Let's let's not give the child an excuse and say, oh, there's a reason why, because we don't know how. Parents

know how you just feel better as a parent. And I'm guilty of it too, Like there's some nights still where I'm just like, they're just so cute in their bed, Let's bring them in our bed. Agree with Jason's big agree, it's five ft self. I agree. You know what I mean, And you've got to break that mentality, and that's that's my thing. And not to make it seem like you weren't making a valid point, because you were, but I was just saying, it's the mentality of getting them out

the bed as opposed to the systematic approach. You know, the systematic approach. They know what to do with their kids, get them out the bed. That's it, all right, Hey, Codeine and Devol. First off, I want to say I love you guys and love listening to y'all's podcast. Thank you so much. I love how y'all start your listening totters. A little shout out love because we love y'all back. I'm thirty two from Brooklyn book book, but it was like,

that's very flat bush of you. Um, and I often use a lot of your topics to have discussions with my booth than He and I have been together for eight years and married for three, and we have two kids, five years old and two months old. I love his annoying as dearly, which is why I'm even writing this. Okay, So moving in together five years ago, we realized that sex has always been an area of discussion for us, mainly because I'm one of those women who has a

higher sex driver than her man. I always wanted and he's more of a two to three times a week is all right for me. UM also usually the initiator, which can be annoying at times. We get into the riffs about the consistency of sex and I always end up upset, which leads him to trying to be more consistent for about a week or two, and then we end up in the same ass boat That sounds familiar.

Before we get back into the process of having sex after having our second child, I want to make sure that we're on the same page and sex becomes bomb again. At this point, should we consider some type of sex therapy or just a counselor Yeah, that's literally the reverse of what we were dealing with, which there are people who deal with that too, exactly. There are women who deal with who have higher sex drives. I mean that's interesting because I don't know what it's like to have

a higher sex drive than a man. But you know, the frustration with having somebody who is not meeting your knees because to me, when I hear two or three times, become like, oh, we Gucci. Meanwhile, she's like that's not enough. Even after the children too, She's she's still, she's still there and I envy this, and he's probably making her feel like a sexual deviant from wanting to have sex more often. He's probably like, he's probably like, how could

you still want to have sex? Because that's how I felt sometimes. You know, as the initiator. It does get annoying at times to always be the initiator, or you start to feel like they is that person not into me. You want to be wanted, Yeah, you want to be wanted. Everyone wants that, that feeling of wanting to be wanted. Um, I think you can revert back to what we've spoken about today, honestly, Sis, I mean, I'm looking at what you talked about. Y'all have two kids five and two months, Um,

so those are distractions. Sometimes those distractions. What is the environment looking like? Um? You know, is he taking the initiative to then trying to meet you have way there by trying to reciprocate the instigation every now and again, and it's like, why are you guys falling into that rut? Well, she said that he tries and then falls and the falls off and then it comes rut. Because it comes back to what we've had to deal with was if this is not something natural that you want to do,

you do it for your mate. But then if it's not something you naturally want to do, you naturally go back to what's comfortable for you. So it's not like you're dismissing your mate. And you never were dismissing me, even though I felt at times I was being dismissed. But it's like I was trying to do that and keep up, but I, you know, naturally I go back to what is comfortable for me, and he's doing the

same thing. Right, Yeah, Because that's for sure. After we'd have our discussions, I'd be like, all right, good, this is what I'm gonna do, and I would like focus on it, and then life we're kicking in. I kick in again, and then before I knew it, I was back into the same pattern of things. But like you said, there's like a comfort zone, like a level of comfort that you kind of convert back to whenever you're it's doesn't come to you naturally. UM, I think you guys,

it's worth maybe talking to somebody about it. UM, speaking out loud where the feelings are, where there may be some some disconnects. Um. You know the fact that you guys are already having kind of discussions about it, it's helpful. Don't stop talking about it. Doesn't matter how monotonous it seems.

There's always breakthroughs when you have conversations. We've talked about sex where we talked about it so much that I would just like, that's the minute I heard the word mentally, it just took me to a very negative place because that was just like, but where we go again. But here's the thing. It matters to me. But it also is when someone is I think at the deficit. A lot of people, not just women, men and women don't want to be accountable for being at the deficit of something.

So when you're discussing something that there may be at a deficit at they don't want to keep talking about it because they have to look in the mirror and be like, maybe I'm the problem. You know what I'm saying. It's hard for someone to realize that and keep realizing that over and over again. So the fact that they're

having the conversations are good. What I'll say is is that since she's the one with the higher sex drive, just like I'm the one with the higher sex drive in our relationship, what she should try to do is try to find ways to increase his liking for sex like I have done with you, really like taking taking pride and understanding how your body was, just sex language like his sex language or intimacy language, like what what

turns him on? Find because I had to do my research and finding out what terms my wife on what is going on? Why is she keep putting up the gate like what am I not doing? Or what am I doing? And asking those questions constantly never gets old because to do that as couple of years in and married for three, like this is the decision you made. We don't have that newness factor where it's like you meet somebody for the first time and it's like, you know,

we don't have that as married people. However, I was gonna say, however, you can try to create those instances by knowing what your partner likes by all going on vacation. I'll say this, I'm going to if this is gonna be a moment of truth, part of the moment of truth is changing your environment and experiencing different things with that same purpose purpose intrigues their sexual drive. I've I've

learned that with Codeine. You know what. Another episode that we did, I'm not sure how it's going to play out, but we talked about the list of twenty things from the married couple over twenty years, right, and one thing that I think they both had on their list was like go on vacations or plan vacations or something like that.

And I think each of them said it in their own way, but they both after twenty years of marriage, in their top twenty things that they felt like was necessary in making their marriage thrive, it was taking a break and going on vacation. But but not but not just a typical vacation where you you know, say, say your vacation idea is to go to Virginia Beach. Y'all go to Virginia Beach and go to the same hotel and do the same thing. Because even that, even though

it's a vacation, becomes monotonous. No, go on a vacation where you experience a different part of the world, experience a different challenge, collectively, experience a different adventure. Because I've noticed that when we do things that are different that you've never done before, you get aroused, like you you know, like this is an exciting babe, Like you'll you'll touch me, you'll rub me, and and it's exciting for me to

see you do things. Um. I remember when we went when we went to Jay Mountain and we ran up the mountain as a as opposed to taking the bus. You don't like working out, but at the top of the mountain you were just like that was that was kind of good and you were all sweaty. I was sweaty. And then we got a second workout and when we got to the law. But I think that's important, and I don't think people really think about that. Like Jade Mountain,

her all these things cause money. So young lady, I don't you know, make sure you put money away to Jade Mountain, your uh, your husband bay or I mean any resort or wherever you're trying to go to or whatever. We were just speaking from experience, because we had a bomb time there. We did have a bomb time day. We had some great sex there. I'm trying to think of some other places. We went to d R and we did the zip lining. I remember the night we came back from zip minding. We had some bomb sex

after that. Then I was swinging from the chandeliers at the hotel and even even places in Brooklyn. Where did we go to Brooken? We went somewhere in Brooklyn and we did something different. But I remember that night it was just like, oh, when we went for your birthday, I went got you, I surprised you, took your shopping, May did all of these things for you, and we have that night. You're in the city that night and

we have bomb sex. But it was something different that made that experience seem like this is the first time I'm having sex with that person. If you could and you know what, I think that may be a key that we could start to save it for your moment of truth. I'm gonna do that, all right. If you would like to be featured as one of our listener letters, make sure you'll email us dead as Advice at gmail dot com. That's D D A S S A D

V I C E at gmail dot com. You want to see the emails overflowing, you know what I mean, and tell us some more stuff about what you want to hear, what I want to talk about. We're always open to that too. Okay, all right, moment of truth, tim you're about to spill the beans on your moment of truth, go ahead and say, well, so this is my moment of truth for men and women who are looking to and invigorate your love life. Right, Two things

I want you to focus on. Number one, make sure that the contraceptive that you're using is conducive to your love life. We didn't like condoms, we didn't like the pill, we didn't like the I U D. Ultimately don't like any form of contraceptive. So that may mean that I have to U S A S dB snip them balls I get my daughter. We may have to do that,

but of course, pay attention to the contraceptive. And number two, if you really want to invigorate and keep that flame going, find different things to do with your spouse other than the norm. When I mean different, I don't mean just travel. Do different physical activities that get that to stop some from that estrogen. Move into that you can, you know, get into that mode, let off those pheromones, be around each other, be active together, and that will definitely invigorate

your bed whom I honestly wholeheartedly believe that. I like that. Um, my moment of truth is uh to be relentless in your pursuit of what is the root of your problem. And that can be in life, but because we're talking about sex, um, particularly with your sex life, be willing to go the extra mile to put your ego aside to except that you may have a deficit, and then be relentless in the pursuit of finding out what is

the root of that issue. Because with me, I really had to think, um no, but I really had to like dive deep and just say I felt like I was the inadequate one. I felt like there was you know this inferior. You know, um, what's what's inferior? Superior? The word there's like the superior, inferior thing that was happening,

and I was always the one with the deficit. And that was heartbreaking for me because I felt like my husband deserved more based on everything that he was putting out UM and and in the efforts that you were making to make sure that I was having a good experience sexually, you just weren't getting the best out of me.

So whatever it is, UM, male or female, whoever has the deficit, don't feel ashamed to get some help, to reach out, to explore, to figure out what maybe missing, because that one little thing, that one little change in our routine that will change in my overall physical health. I would say it was like the key to It was a key unlocking that door for us. And just a piggyback of what you just said, Like you said, be relentless, keep having a conversation as as monotonous as

you think. The conversation is. When you stop having a conversation and you stop trying, that's when is over. That's when is over. As long as you're continuously having a conversation. That's true. That's true because you just say to me, at one point, when I stopped talking about it. Then we should be worried, absolutely, because then I don't candlem it. I felt that to the core. I was like, why I want you to always be worried talking about it

as annoying as it was, and here we are. I want to keep having this conversation because that means that sex is still being had or we're still invested in each other. Exactly, sure, exactly, All right, y'all. Hope that helped you all out there, especially our married couples who have been in situations. Yes, there is a breakthrough coming if you keep working towards it. We are a proof of it. We are a proof of it. That's a fact.

Be sure to follow us on social media. All I did ask the podcast, and of course you can find me convene I am and I am devouting. If you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review, and subscribe. Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as to podcasts and never miss a Thing