Devale Still Big Mad About That Stroller

fight here and respectfully devot it was shut up. That's exactly what I'm talking about. You don't want to tell me to shut up all the time. That's the only solution I got to these arguments is to tell your ass to shut up. As Hey, I'm Codeine and we're the Ellisits. You may know us from posting funny videos without boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'm making need the other most days. Wow. Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,

we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of the lives most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about. Through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. Where we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take Phillow's off to a whole new levels. Starts now. This is right after

we had Kaz and Cairo. Okay, I wake up in the morning to take Jackson to school, as I always do, try to do my best to be a family man. Right taking Jackson to school, Conine just randomly wakes up, Hey, babe, where's the stroller? Where's the stroller? The stroller? Story? Right, Um, I was postpartum times too. Oh my gosh. You always find excuses. It's not an excuse, it's a reason, and you and I can never argue that reason. But whatever,

She's like, where's the stroller? So I'm like, which stroller? She's like, the little fold of stroller that was in the back of the car. Okay. So I used to have this car right at a seven. Got rid of it when I had my third child because I couldn't fit all three in the back. So this car was sitting in my brother's driveway for six months with the

stroller in the back seat. I'm leaving. I'm going to get the car with my My father says, hey, devout, um, what you're gonna do with that stroll in the back. I'm like, I'm not sure why. He's like, I know someone in the church. See how I throw the church in there, the church who might utilize the stroller. I said, sure, if you needed, we haven't used in a six months. The kids are out growing, and you can take the stroller. Boom. Fast forward back to this day with Cane. Codina asked

for the stroller. I say, which stroller? She says, the stroller that was in the back of the car. Said oh, I think I put that stroller in the backyard at my parents house, or my father might have given it away. Snaps her neck around. What you gave away my stroller without telling me. I'm tom out, it's our stroller number one. Number two. You haven't used the stroller in six months because it was wintertime in New York. I'm not pushing the babies around for walks in the snow. In my mind,

I'm like, yeah, I gave a stroller away. She goes, you gave away my stroller Devoal. So I'm like, yo, what you're getting attitude for? We got three other strollers, but that's not the stroller that I wanted. You can't just give away my stroller. I'm like, yo, I'm not having this conversation all right, you're being a brat. I'm being a brat. Deval susitute and walk away. So now I'm trying not to argue with her because we're in front of our kids. So I'm getting ready for Jackson

school or whatever. She comes back in the bedroom when an attitude. I'm like, yo, you really got an attitude over a stroller again. So I'm like, you know what, fuck that stroller. Then goes no, divin you. I'm like, fuck me, o stroller over over stroller. So now I'm pissed, right, So I'm like, you know what, I slammed the door closed because the doors open, I was getting ready to leave. That's nothing. I said. No, Now I'm not taking Jackson school.

We're gonna discuss this before I leave. Jackson looked at her look at me. It was just like, wait a minute. Now I can't go to school and learn because y'all arguing. So I'm like fine, because now I got to put the children first. When we get back, we're going to discuss this. But but you know what happened, Uh, you got the stroller back. No long story short, my father never even gave away the stroller. He put it back in storage. So I got cussed out over a stroller

that I didn't even give away. I didn't even give the stroller. We needed to be sure about what you did with it before you go ahead and tell a woman you gave away her ship. All right, So you're not gonna admit that you was wrong. I don't think I was wrong, And there you go. You don't fight the end. You don't fight fair end. There's a strange in my house. Person. It took a while to fake garm. It's just there's no way you could be saying you are.

You gotta be someone else because he touched me like that, And he wouldn't argue like you do. You don't, Yes, I do, No, you don't. He wouldn't ignore. I don't ever ignore you. I argue, did I stop lying? I argue? Cut the song? Cut the song. I let you have, I let you have karaoke time. But I should have been singing that song. What do you mean you you are a different person when you argue. When I argue,

I have to roll out my points. Just because I have justifications and reasons does not mean that I'm a different person. No, it's not justification of reasons. But you like, for example, like the post the emotional aspect of it, and the postpartum excuse. You've been postpartum since I met you. It's not an excuse since you met me. Shut up. When we get into argument, you're trying to show, yes, you are where we argue. You'd be like, you know I'm going to in college. You know it was my cycle.

You know how I get you always have any excuse as to why you get to be extra during an argument. True, you you like to blame it on things like my cycle, because you're going I'm emotional, when when I argue with you, it's not emotional always always, That is not true. I've come a long way with the cry. I used to cry back in the day, but I don't cry no more.

I don't cry no more. You know what the funny thing is, guys, I have to tell y'all, when I met de Val years ago, what is it almost seventeen years ago when he had a disagreement with me, I actually used to shut down a lot. Yes, so that's one thing are arguing styles were very different, or disagreement styles were different, and it really dates back to our families. So let's talk about how the way we're raised. Well, the first thing. First thing is let's talk about how

we resolve that issue with the stroller. We got the stroller back from Dad and the two of us actually sat down and broke down the root of the problem, and that's how we discovered that, you know what, it had nothing to do with the stroller. Codeine woke up upset because she didn't get a lot of sleep, so she was just in a bad mood that morning, and the first thing I said was going to trigger her to be upset, and it just so happened to be

the stroller. And then for me, I took that and I internalized it as you know, like, what's your problem, why you were attacking me? And what I did wrong was when she when she cursed, you know you take away my ship. My petty response was pretty much, fuck your ship, and her petty response was to trump my funk your ship and to say fuck you is the ultimate grudge holder sidebar. Just so y'all know he's petty and I'm working on it, dough, I'm working on it. I let a lot of ship go. You know, you

wouldn't know because I let it go. You see what I'm saying, because I guess you can see the growth in your I don't see it some days. Let me tell you something. If I wasn't letting ship go, and we wouldn't be talking right now. All right, all right, let me get that straight. Alright, fine, So it really had nothing to do with the stroller, and it was just she woke up in a bad spot. I woke up and rather than trying to not take it personal

what she was going through, I just tried to. I tried to up her petty and just try to attack her back, which was a mistake on my part, you know what I'm saying. So, which is a good tip to think about too. You think about the four Agreements, and one of the agreements that says not to take

things personally anything. Don't take anything personally. So what that person is going through and the context in which they say something, or they interact with you or they argue with you may have nothing to do with you, per se doesn't. It's going to pretty much be surrounding what happens and in there in their life. And let's let's give him an example, right, Like, you're walking down the street and uh, you see you see a young lady and you say, hey, young lady, and she's just like,

what are you talking to me? You don't know that she might have found out, you know, she lost one of her close friends. She might have just lost her job. So her just saying ill while you're talking to me was a projection of what she's going through in her life. And you're the first person that she just took the anger out on. Most people internalized that that interaction and say, wow, what what is wrong with me? That she attacked me?

But it goes both ways. You walk by, you see a young lady and say hey, young lady, and she's like, yo, you're the most beautiful man in the world. Well, you don't know is that she just won the lotto, she just got her promotion, you know what I'm saying. So you internalized that and you be like, damn, I'm this ship. You know what I'm saying. This young lady says, I'm

the most beautiful man she ever seen. So I think that that rule changed my life, you know, reading that book and the four Agreements, But that rule changed my life because it taught me to not take everything someone

says to her because it's really not me. It just shows more about them, right, which could be a good tactic for whenever you're getting into an argument or disagreement or just like having a debate with someone absolutely just really taken to consideration where they possibly could be in that in that circumstance or what been that caused them to feel the way they feel in that time. And it may not be you, you know, like in that

circumstance with the stroller, like it wasn't it wasn't you. Yeah, we have some great makeup, sexy and then always always good good. So let's talk about how our argument styles were like super different, especially at their beginning. And like I said in the beginning, this kind of dates back to how things were dealt within our household. You know, we've spoken before about how your parents um and how they deal with you than impacts how you are as

a human being. So when it came to arguing in my household, for example, um, the way I've seen my parents deal with it, or even just relationships with my brother and my sister, my father and my sister, my brother, you know, just within the family, our mechanism was dodging. Yeah. The way they argue is to not to argue, like we just kind of get quiet. No one really communicates, and it's just kind of like, oh, let's hope that this will kind of fizzle over and just die out

and everything will be fine. Yeah. And and that's and now where I am in life with Develo and just in general as a grown adult, I can see how that has negatively impacted a lot of my family's progress.

And I feel like we could have done a lot more and come a lot farther along had we been able to have open discussions that don't necessarily even have to be arguments, communicating disagreements, or if you feel a kind of way about something, being able to open up and say, hey, I feel this way about it and not be apologetic about it, to unapologetically say how you feel.

And I feel like now I've kind of become that voice from my family, I think through our relationship, being able to get my family together and us really sitting down and getting to the bottom of what is bothering each person, because I genuinely want to know, you know, and that the whole like elephant in the room and the tension that should gets so old. Yeah, I guess, oh, I guess oh. And the funny thing is that that

never existed in my house. We used to have family caucuses in my house, like family discussions where my mother would be like, Okay, you know, we're gonna sit down, we're gonna talk about it, and I ain't gonna lie. Growing up like, man, no, nobody want to talk about this ship man Like like some stuff you just don't want to talk about. But then while you're talking about it, you're crying, you're letting stuff out, you letting your feelings

be heard. And then now you know how your parents feel, your parents know how you feel, and then you feel better the next day because it's all out. And sometimes, like you said, it was never a thing where we hugged afterwards and it was an agreement. Sometimes we just argued and we was like, you know what this it is just it is what it is. I feel this way about this, you feel this way about that. Go out separate ways and we'll try to find a way to work it out. But at least I know how

you feel and you know how I feel. So when me and Cadeen started dating, and you know, we were trying to figure each other out, I would be pressing her about stuff because I would want to talk about it, and she would just be sitting and I felt like him pressing me about it and not even say in an aggressive manner, but just like you know, being engaged and being passionate about the way he felt about something

and really wanting to hear what I felt. I kind of took that as an attack because she got super used to get super defensive or I get super quiet and just not want to argue or not want to talk, and me not very intimidated, right, I mean, I'm nineteen at the time, so I'm not knowing that there are

layers to why she is the way she is. I'm just thinking, like what is wrong with her, you know so, and and me just being a person I am, I continue to put you know, press, press, press, and she continues to get in defense defense and shut down, and it would just be like a big blow up and it would always end in tears. And there's like something's wrong with you and know something's wrong with you. And we learned over time like these three techniques pretty much

to help us, you know, get through these issues. And the first technique that we learned was listening listening. And I mean, let's be clear too, sometimes in the heat of the moment, you can't go back to techniques, and you can't go back to like really saying, oh, here's

the bullet points that I have and whatever. But um, I think one thing that is um kind of universal when you deal with any kind of relationship because of course listening and not just listening to hear and taking what the other person is saying and then be ready to kind of blurt back your stance on it, but really actively listening with understand and with the with the intent to really get the other person's perspective. Though you may not agree, you can at least try to respect it.

But that's the most important point. And that's what we learned, was like, you have to listen to understand, not listen to agree. When I'm listening to you, I'm not listening to say, Okay, I get your point and you're right. No, it's I'm listening to get your point and see where you're coming from. So I get it, I get it, I get your point, but you're free as an individual to say I get your point, but this is my point, right.

And we had to learn that and we're still learning that now because we still have disagreements to this day, like the stroller situation where I hear what you're saying it right, but the ship just sounds stupid to me, and she'll be like, shut up the vow and at least we go our own separate ways, knowing that we're never ever gonna agree on that situation, right we you know, we we let it out. You know, you get that out the room. The tension is gone. But listening, like

like like you said, listening. And I think this was something that K kind of brought up to me because I was bad at doing this. I was I was bad at doing this. I used to be so used to the family caucuses that I would have to prove my point. And that's why my father said I was always I would always be an attorney, and he was just like the value, like you, you don't always have to prove that your point is better or your point

is right. It's just she has a point. You have a point, your mom has a point, I have a point, your brother has a point. No, no point is better than the other. It's just we all have different points of view. The problem is that you think your points are right though all the time. At my points all right here, we go points all right here because they're my point. Okay, okay, my points are right because there points. But I can also I've grown to accept that your

points are right too. See how I did that there? Yea, yeah, I mean well, I feel like with you sometimes I have to listen and I have to be able to refute. Okay, um. And I don't know why that is. I think because sometimes because you always think your argument is right, um, I in turns feel like I have to take your argument in but be like devout. This is the reason why I did X, Y Z. And it's not to say that it should diminish the way you feel about

what I did, but I at least want to. I want you to know how I arrived at whatever act I did that made you upset, or if I didn't do something right. So whenever we argue, for example, sometimes if I gets upset because he feels like I'm trying to make an excuse for why I did what I did, and I hate that word. You're making an excuse. You're making an excuse. It's not an excuse, it's a reason.

Like if I do something and I'm deliberate about it, I may this is the reason why X y Z had me arrived at this point, and this is why I did what I did. If you took it that way, my bad. I'm sorry you feel that way. However, they can see your face say what's up? What's up? But if I arrived at this and this is how I arrived at it, I at least want you to know the reasoning behind that. And I hate when you tell me I'm making excuses because it's not an excuse. Is

that your perspective? Is that your perspective? We don't even argue about nothing. If that is your perspective, I'll accept it, okay. And that takes us to our second point, which is thinking carefully about how to phrase your words. I thought I owe you out the window because a lot of times like that, the whole funk you. I didn't think about it, I just said it. Now. This is where as a man as the has been in the relationship the leader, I learned to use what's called the argument voice.

You're listening to. This is the argument voice right now, Babe. I just want to say, then you go forth with your opinion, because your tone is going to pretty much present what you think, and no matter what you say, if your tone is wrong, your wife is gonna only want to talk about your tone. So I could say, Babe, I think you're the greatest wife in the world, but if my tone is off, she's gonna be like, what

you mean by that? And I'm gonna be like, I just said you were the greatest wife in the world. But no, it was how you said it. How you said it me doesn't mean that I'm the greatest wife. Son. It's very important is actually reversed for us because you're always coming at me from my tone because your tone be Wow, you screamed out fuck you to me, like there's no way to say that in a good tone. Okay, So that okay, that one thing, but there's a lot

of other times where we're talking. I really just say what I'm saying, and I think you think because I'm so eloquent with my speech, that I am coming across as being condescending when I'm not actually trying to throw big words at me. Right, So, you see how you trying to throw big words at me. I can't help it formulate my thoughts in a way, and I'm passionate about the way I feel, and I say it, Okay, everybody construe that, all right, You misconstrue that, okay, having

an attitude. No, I just and it's not an attitude. I can just be passionate about the way I feel. And it's not being an emotional woman. I don't give me that ship either. It's about me being able to formulate my thoughts and tell you how I feel about something and you understanding where I'm coming from with it and not getting down on me about I don't like the way you said it, because it is important for both of us, not just you but me as well

as the man, that we both express ourselves respectfully. You see how I'm using that tone right now, and you see how it's calming you down. I see, we have to use our tones respectively, and if we use our tones respectively, we can convey our message. You're right, I mean sometimes I've faced it when you have arguments with anybody. It can be with a friend, it can be with a parent, and compete with just you know, a coworker. Tone is everything. If you use this delivery is everything.

It is difficult for someone to get upset at you. You see this tone right here, this very scene. But then people can take that as you're being sarcastic. No, you know what I mean. I'm not trying to I just want us to stay civilized. Look like mad forces you to calm down, because I'm not being crazy. This is the tone I used with her, use with my kids, used with my kids, especially with Jackson, because you know, Jackson's emotional. He's eight. He doesn't even know how to

control his emotions. Sometimes he just get mad. Sometimes he's crying, and you know he's super happy. When I see him going through places in his life and he's going through points, I'll just be like Jack's Jack's listened to me. Everything's gonna be all right. You know what I'm saying. Well, I would love for you to use to use this tone with me more because I don't be hearing that ship all the time. You just be lying. I don't really hear that. You'll just be lying all right, whatever.

You know what, guys, I can't win for trying. I can't win for trying, which is going to lead me to the third point. What's the third point? No one wanted to walk away? Oh, you don't be allowing me to walk away about so, guys, when you listened right in to understand, and you dropped your tone to make sure that you don't argue, and your wife still wants to scream and hollow at you, you say these words right here. Okay, baby, you got it. Okay, baby, you

got it. I'll be the first one to pick up and take his keys and act like he's gonna go driving somewhere like you'll remember and um, wait until exhale when Angela Bassett got her her scarf on and suitcase and everything happened, guys, Okay, real quick, deval and I'm back in college right and had my own apartment on campus, and we had gotten into an argument about something. It was probably so stupid. I don't even remember what it was about Facebook. About Facebook. Yes, you had messaged a

guy on Facebook. Give the context of the story. If you're gonna tell the whole story, get the context of the story. Let me show you how the context of the story works. Now, all right, I was an he took over my story. But ahead, I'm gonna gonna give you a story back. But I want you to understand why I walked away. I was an athlete, right, Division one athlete at Hofstra. Girls messaging me on Facebook, good game, devote. Oh these wholes messaging you. You didn't say that, these

whole messages. So we had a basketball basketball team, right, she messaged one of the basketball players good game. And I'm like, oh, so if a girl messaged me, she's a whole, but you can message one of the guys. She's like, that's my resident It's in the context of what it is. Yes, I was a resident director. I was in the athletic area. Here it comes the excuses. It's not see here he go with excuse. It's a reason. Why was that messaging athletes out of my Facebook? Was

because they're my residents. They're my residents, and I maintain relationships with my residents because I'm the resident director that lived in a completely athletic area. No when to walk away? You know what, baby? You got it anyway, So that was that That's what we were arguing about. It was Facebook, so that was all you know in his feelings about me messaging athletes from my Facebook page, what she had

complete access to. So I don't even know why he was tripping tripping anyway, but because she was in a different school. I'm walking away, all right, walk away. So Devout proceeds. Devout proceeds to walk away. Okay, okay, but it was like two degrees outside. It was cold as hell. Devout put on his bubble coat right then got one of my scarves and like wrapped it around his head literally,

just like Angela. No. Actually was like Mary J. Blige in that video, not gonna cry, you know when she has on the dark glass working every day of the week, straight from the video. Right the suitcase. I don't even know where this dude found a suitcase and started shoving his clothes in the suitcase, right, putting his clothes in

the suitcase. And I was like, you're just gonna Leave're gonna walk away because we're in an argument, Devout, because at this point we were about four years into the relationship, so I knew how to argue with him. Now, I wasn't doing the whole you know, I'm gonna be quiet and meek I was arguing back with him. So he shoves the stuff in the suitcase. He goes to get granola bars out the kitching and my don't get granola barsos his mom motherfucking granola bars. Put them ships back

to the store to get them. Right, So he took all that stuff whatever whatever, forgot his toothbrushot threw it at him on if I take it to brush to another none of this. So at this point he's going back to his rule that leaves none did that leaves something like fine? Whatever, So he leaves. I get a knock at the door about to none of this happened two hours later. Don't touch my shoulder, my shoulder, don't touch my shoulder. Are you telling I was at the door.

He pulls the scarf off his head, you know, takes off his like I envisioned sunglasses, but they're really wearing sunglasses because it was like midnight, walk back in with his suitcase and didn't even say anything to me. I just opened the door and I let him in, and I was like, Okay, the argument is clearly done. That was so funny. I had to see it. Now that we're done with that, I've painted the picture. Now that we're done with that episode of the Young and the Restless, okay,

we can get back to the truth, right. The truth is the truth feel ashamed? The truth is, don't feel ashamed about here. I just gave you two minutes to tell your stuf. Can I jump back in now? Thank you? So now let's get back to the point, all right. The point is when you argue with your wife, she's gonna come up with reasons why she can do things that you can't do. And when you try to explain to her that in the pursuit of fairness and equality, because that's all I want is equality, right, I just

want balance on both sides. If a girl in boxes me, good game, and she's a whole. If you inbox another player, you look like a hole. That's all I was saying. She did not want to concede to that fact. So since she did not want to concede to that fact, it became an argument. And since she started to lose said arguments, she became irate, throwing tooth brushes at me. You wouldn't let me get no gleola bars. I didn't feel safe, all right. The end of the tooth brush

had a point on it. I didn't want to get hit my eye. I'm an athlete. I need both my eyes. So I walked out. Yes it was cold, I'll put my bubble coat on because it was cold. I don't even own a scarf, don't even own I wouldn't put your scarf scar on. It was wendy that day, and I was not going to be at home because those were familiar residents to me. This was some trick from some next school that you all ended up texting back

and forth. So, but that's an episode for another day, guys. Yeah, So I mean at that point, I think the distance in the space. I mean, some people have certain things that they do when they get caught up in the heat at the moment and they don't want to say something that they're going to regret, so they end up going on and like you know, either you count to ten, you don't do that. One to three is bothering me? Do you remember that from three to one to three?

I tried alcohol? What I tried? I tried a lot of stuff to get to bring myself down from arguing with you, call a friend, cry to your mama, Um, even your mother know you crazy? So she just usually to be like your mother. You know how many times your mother not exchange looks and glances because we just know you crazy. Um. Shout out to to my mother in law, Karen, your bomb, because you know what I deal with on the today basis because you raised him,

Yes she did, she did raise me. I love my mom all right, but arguing with you is exhausting, Like it's it's literally like draining like physically, like physically, mentally, emotionally all of the leaves I can think of draining. That's because you're just talking about no disrespect. That ship will have you all just jacked up in the head. For the life of me. This this is going on fifteen years now. How could you not see that if a chick facetime's me, she looked like a whole, but

you just think times bad. But you're doing the same exact thing to another athlete. You don't look like a whole. How How can how can you, as a woman with a master's degree, not see the parallels inside story? This is the type of stuff that I got to deal with people. This is type of stuff you don't see the pos in the story. I already said mylesondings, I'm not going back to anything. You don't want to dug up the dirt. And he good for that, y'all, he

gets so good for that. The plant is growing and it's nice and there's some light, there's water and it's like flourishing, and there's like flowers blooming, and he go dig up the dirt, dig up the dirt. And then you just want to suck the whole plant's life up, like why because the root is in the dirt. Okay, the root, the seeds are in the dirt. Right, we are trying to go to science class neither if you want to see now, when I start talking about the truth,

she wants it's fun. And this is, my friends, is how we get through it. Yes, this is how we get This is how we get through our gument walk away. Learn which battles, learn which battles are worth fighting, and when it's not worth fighting. You know something that's interesting too with Devo. And I don't know if other people operate this way, because um, you don't like apologies, Like Devo doesn't like if something goes wrong, I make some I do something to make him upset. Devo does not

like me. To apologize to him. Some people they'll say, I just simply want an apology. I just want you to say you're sorry. That's a lie. And if nobody ever wants you an apologize, what's your thought behind that the greatest apology has changed behavior? Don't don't keep apologizing that one more time? Drop that the greatest apology is changed the behavior. And the reason why I don't like apologies is because when people apologize, especially your spouse, but

continue to do the same. No, I'm just I'm saying especially your spouses, because this is your life partner. If you continue to apologize and make the same mistake over and over and over again, and your apology means nothing. People do stuff to people that leave marks, whether it be externally or internally, it leaves marks, and other people feel like if I apologize, get over it, it's still left the mark and sometimes still hurts me. You know.

Sometimes they're very disingenuous, like you feel like they're just saying exactly exactly you're trying to pacify, you're trying to pass. That's why I don't like And that's not even what just my wife, but anyone's business partners, the kids, you mentor Jackson Jackson. Even my kids like, don't don't tell me you saw it for doing something. They're gonna do it again, Bro, don't do that. That's just me though. I I just don't. I hate it. Guys, guys, do

you see what just happened? We agreed on something. Wow, it happens once in a while under saying what you don't like apology? I picked you up. No, I don't. I've actually, you know what, I've come to learn that from you, I guess from hearing it so much. And that's kind of what happens when you're in relationships. You kind of adopt sometimes the ideologies that your partner has um. But yeah, I kind of feel the same way now too.

It's like you know, I do, though, would like to know people's perspective, which I think you do as well too. But the whole apologizing thing to kind of depending on who it comes from and how it comes from them, doesn't mean much. Well, it's funny because I saw something and I've learned this from and I learned this when I was very young from playing you No, right about

the six in the nine. Remember I was telling about the six in the nine, So Just because you two people are arguing and they have different perspectives, don't mean someone is right or someone is wrong. If we're both looking at the same UNO card, take out the line that makes it the six or the nine. Right. If we're both looking at the same UNO card and you're looking from the top of it, you can see a six. If I'm looking from the bottom, I could see a nine.

We're both looking at the same exact card. But since we're both looking from different perspectives, we're both actually right. And a lot of times in life that's what happens, what happens with a lot of arguments. Yes, just I'm on a different side of it, so I am right, and you're on a different side of it, and you're right, but you're not even trying to see it from my side,

so you automatically say I'm wrong. I look at it from this side, and I say you're wrong, when what I should do is come to your side of the table and see your perspective and vice versa. Exactly. Look at you in your analogy, see what I'm saying in the nine, remember that about what else about the sixth and the nine though? And look at you being nasty. You know well, that's actually trying to solve a problem

that's always act. You know what, that's so funny. That is so funny because one of our listener letters today talks about makeup six and if that's a good idea or a bad idea, listener, let's let's let's let's leave them a little cliffhanger. Think about that, y'all think about that. We'll be right back with these listener letters. This for the record, there it is a win for the ages. Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring sports icons.

In his story, it comes with many chapters. I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here it is. They'll return to glory. This is All American, a new series from Stitcher hosted by me Jordan Bell. You realize Tiger Woods doesn't know who he is best in the history of Gaul no question in my on and this season, with the help of journalist Albert Chen, we're asking what if the story of Tiger Woods that the media has been telling, what if it's been completely wrong?

All American Tiger is out now. Listen and Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite podcast app. My favorite part of the show Conne's favorite as well, because we love to hear from you guys. We'd like to hear what you're thinking, what you want to know, and then we can give our little two cents about it too, you know. So the first question is do you think women who go through men's phones are nosy or just lack of trust? I mean, you're a woman. I'm a woman. A couple

of times years, I think a lot of me is nosy. Like, to be completely honest, a lot of it is me being nosy just because it's not even just you. I feel like sometimes if we're sitting next to each other, if I'm sitting next to my brother, my sister, the phone goes off, the screen is lit, it's like you just kind of happened to glance over sometimes to see, like, I don't know what it is. I honestly can't think

of like why I do it. It may yeah, I may just be nosy and just be you know, we want to know, Like, you know, then again, you have those times where I've heard a lot of women say like I have this feeling, I have this gut instinct that something is not right, and then is not this y'all already know about the gut instinct. If you feel like something's wrong, chances are something is wrong, is wrong, And then sometime respond to that. If you look, you're

gonna find something. And then if you want something to be wrong, you're gonna find something wrong. Like that's why I see that all the time. Would elaborate on that. What does that mean? Do you mean like the energy you put out there is the energy you're gonna find? No, I feel like I feel like in all honesty, say you're looking through somebody's phone, right, and you see some text messages from someone you don't know. If you're looking for something, you can make that into something. How come

you don't have this number saved? What does she mean by this? What does she mean by that? Or you're trying to hide something now you're making something that could actually be nothing. And that's not just a woman thing, that's both people like people just go through that something.

You know, a lot of people have insecurities. You have insecurities, and when you have insecurities, and and and I've noticed this in relationships, a lot of people tend to look for something to go wrong in a relationship, even if everything is perfect because they just can't believe that everything is very perfect. So it's like, let me find something wrong, you know what I'm saying. So now they're looking through phones, they looking through messages and they see a picture of somebody.

Oh whah, who's who is this? That's my cousin? How far along cousin is? She is your first cousin or is this your second cousin twice removed? Because if it is, then you could still like that. People go through stuff like that. It's like, really like, are we really doing this right? And then what tends to happen is if one person checks the phone and they question you about something, then the other person who's phone got checked, it's like, well,

why are you checking me? So now it becomes a back and forth issue where you're like, well, do you not trust me? And then that's when the argument becomes a thing do you really not trust the person? Or why exactly where we're snooping through the phone? So I think it really depends on the context of the relationship. You know, is this something that has happened in the past. Is the person known to do X y Z That would have you thinking, Okay, maybe this is you know.

But my thing is my question, right, if you realistically got to wake up in the morning, it's be like you're going to check his phone? Like why even be in that? I agree, I have to agree with that. I mean the energy exude trying to like check my phone. Yeah, that had moments in the past where I have checked your phone, and now I'm just too busy to even care. Maybe it's just me because I'm not a phone checker, Like, I just don't. And my thing is I feel like

I don't I don't want to find something. That's number one. I don't want to find anything. So you feel like unseen is better? No, not even unseen. I don't want to find anything. You have, you have mad clients in your phone. You do make up right, and I remember one time in particular, you had a client who was who was a dude, was trying to get makeup done

for his wife, his life. What I'm saying, what if I'm going through your phone and you she's giving you information like, yo, can you can you do this time? Here's the hotel? You know what I'm trying. I mean, it could really go wrong fast. So imagine imagine that. Imagine that imagine I go through your emails and not go to your emails, right, and I see there, you know the guy's name. You know what I'm saying, This is the date, this time, it's the hotel. All of

the details look mad suspicious. Then I show up at the hotel because I'm thinking something's going on. This like a whole movie. And he has, you know, he has a surprise ready for his wife, and you're there to do makeup. And I walk in there and you and you and they're doing makeup. I wouldn't look like a fucking idiot. And the only reason why I know this stuff is because we both have access to each other emails. Right, So she'll be like, she's black, babe, can you send

you know, can you send this documentary? So and so we'll send my email. I'm at an event, So I'll go through the emails and I'm like which day. She's like, oh, it's around May whatever. So I'm coming through the emails and I see different people's names. So when you're going through and you're seeing different people's names, off, you like, yeah, that she is hilarious. If I did not know that you were a makeup art this, So if I did

not know that that event was going on. I could easily think that this is something and imagine how you drive yourself crazy. Absolutely, your boys got to the hotel about to go with my wife. Then all me and my boys from Brooklyn, we all in this hotel anniversary exactly.

You know what I'm saying, ruin the whole surprise. That's why I'm think about how much time you invest following everyone, you know, someone's move, following their text, following and going through you can be investing that time in yourself in something else. Yo. You know what I mean. When we went through our whole situation and I asked you that, I'll say, Okay, the time you invested going in my phone, why why wouldn't you just invest that time into me?

Because to me, I felt like if you invest that time, yeah, we were young, we were young, and I'm just like all the stuff that I asked you to do that you say you can't do. But you had time to go search my phone. Why don't you go put on some boy shorts like I like, and and do something like and swing from the shandeliers. Problem solved there you go. So I'm not I'm on the phone going through it, and I think that people should stay out of other

people's phones. Right, all right, what's the next question? Next question, I'll get this one. Is makeup sex a good thing even if you're still mad af? It depends? Yeah, I mean, it depends on how good the makeup sexist thought. Okay,

let no, I said. I only say that depends because then it can completely cloud judgment and cloud what the root of the problem was, and then it just kind It's another it's another way to kind of shove things under the rug, especially if one person knows in the argument that makeup sex will make the other person kind of concede and just kind of, you know, the argument just kind of dissipates. So who's the other person to say? So?

Since women know most of the time that a man will concede if it's time to have makeup sex, not necessarily, because think about it, a man could be upset and a woman be like, yo, I know if I just stand there and I just give him some bomb head, everything will be fine. I'm telling you right now. Don't show me the exception and try to make it the rule. Most of the time, dudes be like yo, I ain't gonna turn down that sex. I don't care how mad

I am. I'm not turning down that sex. That I ain't gonna stop him from being mad, but he's not gonna turn down that. But the worst thing is like, if you have the makeup sex and they are still mad after them, what do we accomplish sexy or sometimes the makeup sex. Sometimes you argue like we've had this happened to us where we are in an argument about nothing, and I mean it really is just because we'll boil it down to what it really is. I just miss

you like I miss you. We had passionate love making in a while busy, So the bickering and the small arguments about nothing, we're really just because we miss each other. But it really wasn't about nothing. It was about at tension because we have arguments about being seeing each other every day but not being present with each other. Yes, that's the problem that we have a lot, y'all um in the house see each other a lot in the house, and it becomes monotonous. They don't hug me, she don't

kiss me. I'm like, sounds like a sad said, So that's not true to me. Sad Sometimes be sad. I'll be like, you're looking at you some let me like, she just walked right by me and nothing like. Sometimes that happened because you be going back and forth with the kids and I try to remind him, like, you know, you ain't kissed me today, and she's like I didn't. Oh she she's just walked by. I'm like, okay, well I still get a kiss because I try to kiss you.

Then anything all right? And then you turn up with a little stupid arguments. Just used game. I know what it is. Now, that's that's the best way here. Listen, there's another option. You don't want that option? What what's what's always the other option that people do when they don't get attention in their relationship, they go get attention somewhere else. No no, no, no, no no no, I'm not talking about virtual attention. This is upon a large part

of the reason why people cheat is attention. It's attention, Like people love attention. You're not getting attention at home, They're going to get attention towhere else. That's not a man thing, that's not a thing. It's just an attention thing. You oh oh oh, so we here every day together, but you don't see me, you know what? See I mean. Kary just talked about it, how she felt like she developed some insecurity because she she wasn't getting attention from

men on the street. She said, not that she wanted it, but that feeling of not getting attention. So if this is she her husband has made over a jillion dollars, he's one of the most famous people in the world, and she still wants attention from people, And imagine it's a human thing. I imagine if she's not getting attention

and I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna. Would imagine if she's not getting attention from Steph and she's already feeling insecure because she's not getting attention from other men and it's not getting from attention from Steff, she might say, you know what, I need to go find somebody to give me some attention. You know what I'm saying. Yeah, I guess in her instance is hard because people probably just trying to be respectful. Absolutely, you have to be

respectful to somebody. You know that somebody's wife. Dudes, and dudes are paying attention to beautiful women. She's gorgeous, and I'm gonna tell you right now, as as you know, I don't miss a beautiful, beautiful man walk by. I would like yeah, and I'll be like, oh my god, this wow. Right. I think we both can appreciate beautiful people. But absolutely, but if you notice someone is married, you don't pay them attention, like you just don't knowingly, like

you're knowingly not going to do that. So I understand what she's coming from. And as human nature, you want to be reminded that you are attractive and then someone wants you like you want that. So yes, and a lot of times that's what make up sex does. Make Up sex is like that reminder that I still want you right now, I still want you exactly yea. So it can help. And if you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, email us at dead

ass Advice at gmail dot com. That's D E A D A S S A d V I C E at gmail dot com. So let me ask you a question, Yes, ask me a question, babe. What's your moment of truth from today? My moment of truth for this whole entire arguing respectfully situation. Um, I think the thing that resonates with me the most, or what I've learned in our entire stint, and then that's helped me deal with other people is being active in that moment of upset and

not letting things fester. That's the biggest thing for me because I know, coming from my background where arguments or disagreements or just the way you feel was often not discussed. It led to so much unhappiness that I feel I could have been avoided with a simple conversation. So speaking about something in that time, you know what I mean, in real time, dealing with it in real time is super important. Like you see it, you say it, um.

And that sometimes can even avoid a blowout argument because you're getting to the root of the problem early, before things are festering and before feelings are compiling on top of each other. Um. So definitely trying to make sure whatever it is getting to the root of the problem in real time so that you can have probably a civilized discussion with a person, get both points of views, agree, disagree, move on, but at least you can feel like you're

heard and that tension doesn't build. And it's important to do it in real time. So so you're pretty much your moment of truth is handle things when they happen. Absolutely, And I think that's a great um way to argue respectfully and prevent those blow up moments where you then have to now kind of be um reactive in a situation. I think it's a proactive approach. Actually be more proactive

rather than reactive. Okay, I like that, thanks, Well. My moment of truth fighting fairly would be know the rules of engagement. Okay, so you know who you're dealing with, and every person deals with situations differently. You can't approach every argument or disagreement, whether it's with your spouse, your brother, your mother, your cowork or your boss. You can't approach every situation with your rules of engagement as the only

rules you're you're willing to play by. So you mean curtailing your strategy for arguing depending on your audience, Yes, Because if I go into every argument saying, well, this is my stance and this is how I want to be respected, you're not even respecting the other people who you may be trying to negotiate with. So know the

rules of engagement. For example, if I know that codeine shuts down right, I'm not going to go in there now and just press and press I'm gonna try to get from her perspective acy, Well, first, let me understand why she's shutting down. How can I get her out of shutting down? Rather than just pressing her questions to prove that I'm right, Let me go in there and see if I can get her to kind of break out of that shell a little bit. You know what

I'm saying. If I'm dealing with a person who is combative like me, let me go into that situation and try to settle it first, so that we can get some clear understanding of how we're even going to engage

before we start the discussion. Because if you can't even engage properly in an argument, you're never going to get to the root of the problem because now you're gonna spend more time arguing about how you're arguing rather than getting to the root of it, and that gets exhausting, absolutely so for me, my moment of truth is knowing

the rules of engagement. Know who you're engaging when you're having having a discussion, especially your significant other, and try to understand where they're coming from first before you put forth how you feel about it. Know the real the rules of engagement in real time Boom. There you go, the engagement in real time. Be sure to follow us

on social media that's I am Devout. And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate and subscribe that's right, and follow me as well on Instagram at Cadine. I Am Dead Ass is a production of Stitcher's produced by T Square, Stephanie Karauke and Dinor Opinion. Our executive producer is Chris Manning, and we'd like to give a special thanks to our recording engineer Jared O'Connell, our sound designer Brendan Burns, and studio manager Ashley Warren. We're back.

I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going on right now. It's part of the Stitcher Net. We're called Substraction. That's available everywhere. Getting podcast at stood, your Spotify, Apple, Go listen right now to the Distraction right now, it's out. Do it please,