Devale's Man Cave with Nice & Neat podcast

Why is monogamy important.

I'll tell you why, because I believe monogamy helps me be disciplined.

Deadass.

Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoued and we're the Ellis's.

You may know us from posting funny videos with our voys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow. Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are.

We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics, things.

Most folks don't want to talk about.

Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take philosof to our whole new level.

Dead Ass starts right now.

Storytime.

Back in then, I believe it was twenty nineteen, Kadeen and I dropped a podcast about monogamy and it went viral.

I was canceled on Twitter for about three days.

I didn't know because I don't have a Twitter, or at the time, I didn't have a Twitter, but I have a Twitter now, and I don't really tweet that much. But the podcast went viral and everybody took a sixty minute conversation, boiled it down to a thirty second clip, and then created their own ideas and narrative not only about me as a person and my wife as a person,

Have had to date. And I'll tell you why.

Karaoke I'm here with four brothers. Well, I'm here with three brothers. I'm the fourth brother. Four Brothers is actually one of my favorite movies. Shout out to John Singleton. But uh, this song I'm gonna see if y'all know it, y'all can jump in at any time if you want to. We're brothers, we're happy, and we're singing, and we're color.

Give me a hive, five beautiful guys, Dona Maya. Now I'm gonna tell ya real quick why I chose that song.

I chose that song because the Wayne's brothers chose that song for particular reason. They did not want to be Blackfaced when they decided to do their own show. And one of the biggest reason why I followed you guys is because I felt like you were the exact opposite of blackface when I listened to the podcast.

We're gonna pay some bills.

I gonna introduce you guys to my guests who need no introduction when we get right back.

We're back, so let me do a quick introduction of my guests over here.

All right, y'all already know a couple of you guys and ladies because I was introduced by my wife to the hosts of the Nice and Knee podcast.

We got Duke, we got Omar, we got Jalan.

I like to call them d OJ, righty DJ Department of Justice.

Okay, y'all represent this very well. Okay, see how I did that? You started something. But seriously, y'all, do represent us well.

I watched hours of your content by accident, and I'm gonna let you guys introduce yourself by asking you questions. But I watched hours of you guys content by accident because I felt like I was watching the young men, because you guys are about five years younger than me, answer questions for me. As a forty year old man that I wanted to ask my elders. And as you guys know, you know, well, I don't know. We'll talk about this too, But my father's always been in my life.

We don't talk about this. So I always kind of felt lost to certain things.

And when I was listening to y'all speak, I was like, man, if I was in my twenty and I heard this, it would have gave me some direction on where I needed to go. So, first and foremost, kudos to you guys. Secondly, we're going to introduce each of you. We're gonna start my boy Jealon here right first and foremost. I've been calling him Jalen this whole time. I said, how, how do you pronounce your name? He said, it's never been Jalen, and it's sad it with that voice. Right here, here's

Got into podcasting. My name is Jelan.

I got into podcasting because me and my brothers here, we will be having hours and hours of conversations at my shop. I'm a barber by trade, right, so we'll be having hours and hours of conversations. We will see other men will come in and exit in and you know, these are other men that we admire, some that you ain't really know, like that they get a haircut, they stay around for three four hours and we just like exchanging game and we're like, hey, yo, like we should

We had that conversation in podcast. We didn't talk about sex me and my pops.

Ever never my dad gave me one sex conversation and he looked at me square in the face and he said, remember when you had sex, it's for the woman.

For you. He told you that because we are your father's in your lives.

Yes, okay, sorry to hear that, but this was the conversation my dad had with me about sex. Yo, So you're having sex? Yeah, you know, I got comments in my drawer right, I see here at the bottom. And to this day we still laugh about it. Like my dad laughs and be like, I didn't know what to say. Like he grew up Southern Baptists, you don't speak about

Omar, Omar, got to stop rubbing the mic. Poorse Yo. That's nasty work.

Crazy word every episode that happens one time, but the omer I believe, fourth round one hundred and first pick. Wow, okay, you did the home work twenty twelve. Yep, Denver Broncos. Yes, sir, go ahead and introduce yourself to everyone.

My name is Omar Bolden.

I'm a father, a husband, man of God wellness, entrepreneur, actor, podcaster, content creator. I pride myself and not trying to limit myself or cap myself with a ceiling and everything that I feel like I'm skillful at I go for So. I know a lot of people will try to tell you got to narrow your focus and things like that, but a lot of people don't have the passions I got, you know what I mean, Or the drive, the determination, or the bandwidth or the bandwidth with his important or

Of their narrative and their media.

And yeah, we just took that same approach and just threw it into the podcast and you know what I mean, And four years later, you know, we're sitting here next to you, you know what I mean, having a joint podcast.

So the.

Reception from our audience has been incredible. It's been, like Jaelan would say, exceeded expectations. It's really moving to walk up to different venues, different environments, meet random men that you never met before here and hear them tell you, Hey, what you're doing right now is really helping change my life. Is helping shape and mold me and turn me into a man that I didn't even think I could be at twenty seven, you know what I mean.

So I'm glad you brought you. I don't want to cut you, you know, because I do want to finish the introductions.

But Duke, I gotta get to you real quick, and I'm gonna tell you a funny story about how I got introduced to Duke. I'm a very vain person, as I'm pretty sure we all are, cause I'll be dressed every time I see y'all right, and Kadeen and I have this thing where if i want to look a certain way, the first thing I'm gonna do to my wife is be like, yo, if I gain this amount of weight or if I got skinny, what would you do?

Nah, yeah right.

So I ran up on Duke's page and I'm like, swove, But He's still be moving though.

Like you know what I'm saying. So I say, hey, what about his physique?

And she was like, yeah, everything, everything. And I wanted to say that publicly because we live in a world now where if you compliment a dude like, there's so much homophobia now. I can't even compliment a black man with people like yo, why are you giving him a compliment? But that's just not the case because us as men have to learn how to compliment each other and be present amongst men who are also attractive or doing well in life. And I have to feel like it's a competition.

Of is it San Diego State, San Jose, San Jose.

State to the Denver Broncos as well, So y'all were there at the same time.

A little bit about your charm. My name is Duke.

I am an entrepreneur. I am a fitness coach, a men's growth coach. Most importantly, I'm a leader of men, helped men elevate, help men, uh you know, overcome self limited beliefs, destructive habits to just elevating life.

Right.

I really care about people like us. I see how much we struggle in silence. Right, So I just try to add my experience and my knowledge and any type of you know, expertise to other people's lives to help

Right, So that was really important to.

Us, man, and just throughout the journey of starting a podcast, man, we've been able to just touch so many people, men and women, right. The most surprising thing was how many test absolutely and absolutely and you know, every day someone's hitting us up like, yo, how do I do this for my men?

How do I be better for my men? Or?

And I think that's the most fulfilling thing too, because we're actually affecting relationships, all right. And when you get to affect a relationship in a positive manner, that means you affect the world absolutely, because now you get better relationships, that means you get better marriages. That means you get better children, children become better adults, right, And that's the type of impact we always wanted to make.

I'm glad you brought that up in shout out to all three of you, gentlemen, because there's a lot of times, especially in the podcast space, it's easy to just go for the clickbait, right. And the reason why I sang the song I sang because you guys could have easily done the blackface thing.

Right. Let's get up here and just bash women.

We'll get a ton of engagement if we bashed women, because then women will argue with us, men will champion us.

It's easy, easy content, right, But you chose not to.

You chose to go to long route, right, which means that we're going to talk about the things that we really want to discuss. Which I also want to point out that most people think in a barbershop, black men are talking about ass basketball and football, that's it. But I've been in barbershops and a lot of times there are black men just there trying to figure out, like, how do I become better at what I'm doing?

And that's not.

Only just about professions. How do I become a better father? Like I'm going through this with my wife. I think

I don't got to be like them clowns. They just want to argue with everybody.

And the reason why I call them clowns is because there's a lot of people out here who are.

I would say, extorting our culture.

You know, they know that seventy five percent of women who well I know this for a fact, seventy five percent of the young men and I trained over a thousand had no fathers in their life. So you know, there's trigger points, especially with black women, and there's a lot of clowns out here who are using those trigger points to get engagement.

And kudos to y'all for not Do.

You think though, that the guys who are creating that style of content are the men that are in.

Relationships because I not at all.

I don't think so, because I feel like it was very easy for us to go the eyes a way because we're men of relationships, we're men of integrity, we're representation, we're representations of our women at the absolute friends, you know what I mean, they've all elevated at this point. But when you when you were coming from that perspective, it's really hard to sit get online absolutely to the world.

And because you're being authentic to who you are.

Yes, a lot of people aren't being authentic because this is entertainment, and I think that's what people need to realize. Podcasting is entertainment. You don't have to represent yourself authentically when you come on the podcast, I can say whatever. And that's why I keep saying, like the fact that y'all chose to represent yourself authentically, put yourself out there when you know, even if you're trying to be authentic, someone's gonna have something negative to say.

Because that's also about the podcast.

Space, which would which leads me to monogamy right before you get there, Like we've actually we actually did kind of struggle with because it's still a business and we still want an engagement, you know, and we still want people.

We want to grow. So we did have conversations of, yo, do we need to spice it up a little bit? What was what was that conversation? Like it was more so are we being too nice? Are we pacifying women too much?

Right? Real conversations like that should we did y'all feel like that that you were passified?

Now? We didn't feel like that. It's just how it was like coming off.

There wasn't enough data to show who we were, so it may come off as that people don't know what our past is. People don't know what our background is. All they see is three dudes in happy relationships today, and that's where you're speaking from.

I tell you something that's never going to change. I've been with my wife for twenty two years. We've been podcasting for six years season one. People's like, Oh, this ain't real. He don't really live like that. It is now thirteen years of marriage, four kids, and people still say the same thing. I'll see you in five years. Y'all said that five years ago. You know what I'm saying, that's never going to change. People will root for y'all to fail because you got to also realize too, when

Know what I'm saying.

They always going to find a way to make it seem like y'all not real. So I wouldn't even harp on that because I still get that backglass to this day. That's a fact. It's always going to be like that. So how'd you end up coming to the conclusion like, you know what, we're not going to just spice it up and argue for no reason. How did y'all decide like this is where we're going to stay. It made us better.

It did make us better because not saying that we was like, we're not going to spice it up, but it was like a yo. As far as the business side, we started having production meetings and we started really sitting down saying like, AYO, how do you feel about that? Okay, what would it look like if you took this perspective and actually really embody this perspective on if somebody approached it and they was like, yo, and don't feel monogamy, it's important, How would you speak from that place?

What would that look like?

Because as people are listening, you know, you don't want to just have just like one specific niche audience.

You want to be able to have everybody. Wise, that's exact.

Business wise, right, but also realistic like we live in a world where monogamy may not be for everybody, but I think the only way to get somebody's ears to even consider your opinion is to be able to address theirs. So we got to start addressing their opinion in order for our message to actually get louder. I think we landed on it ultimately, because, like you said, man, was just the authentic thing to do doing this podcast thing.

Man, it's very hard to do it when you're faking it, absolutely right.

So no longer, you know, anytime you're doing business with your friends, we're friends first. It's not like we just became't business young met up on the broncos. We met, we met playing, we met, I met through a mutual friends.

So twelve years, all of y'all have been friends. I know you guys meant it does.

I think we may made a year thirteen ten years. So yeah, so we we were friends first. So it was just authentic and we all had similar beliefs, similar relationships. So it's just like yo, like we can spice it up, but not in this not in this standpoint of we're just gonna come out here and you know, say our

It's fair and by generating the engagement. You double down, you like, literally draw a line on your perspective. Yes, like I'm I'm literally on this side today. That's what I'm and that's what I'm doing. And that right there increased the engagement. That right there gave us the more eyeballs, the reach that we were looking for.

Kudos to y'am, and that's that's dope.

The fact that you said production meeting because you're you know, all athletes in a barber I had to learn to have production meeting. Shout out to trouble because I'm a winger as an athlete.

Right.

My wife went to school for speech, communication and performance.

They would have Q cards. I never have Q cards. You know why.

I'll just be sitting here saying my opinion. But production media is matter because words matter. After you know, we had a powerful discussion before this. But let me get back to these facts and stacks about monogamy. You're gonna be surprised, Okay. It says here that a majority of Americans fifty five percent, prefer complete monogamy in their relationships, but many adults would rather have some form of non monogamy.

Everybody knows me. I'm going here and here and there.

But I watched my success in my production struggle because I wasn't focused.

On what I needed to do.

And then I looked at my mom, I looked at my grandmother, I looked at my father, my grandfather, and I was just like, one thing is coming my father and my grandfather able to focus on being the best versions of themselves.

Because there are.

Certain things that my mom and my grandmother take me hero, I'm going to have to use discernment to find the right woman to be next to me so that when I'm doing these things and making these decisions, I got a partner. I chose monogamy and selfish just it sounds before myself, and I want to know from you three, why did y'all choose monogamy if y'all.

Know, yeah, yeah, yeah, I chose monogamy before my girl even existed.

So like that is I'm a man of God.

I'm a man of faith, and my relationship with God actually comes before any woman that is there. I can't replace God, but whoever fits in that piece, Like I don't know what her name was. I didn't know her name was going to be Britney. I had no idea. So but you knew, you knew that he was like I'm going to be when it comes to the woman that I want to marry. Absolutely Now, when I was younger,

It's for me, you know.

And I actually have a philosophy though, like I feel like we're all selfish. We don't really just say it out loud fact, but like, I'm selfish, like in every way, shape and form. If I get if I got you a birthday gift, it's because I want you to view me as a good friend, not just because I wanted you to feel good.

What was I think it was friends?

They had to show about no selfless acts, and they were like, even like if a beastings you, that's selfish on you because then the be gos and dies. When you say that, it reminds me of that that there really is no selfless act in the world. Everything we do.

That's that's really how I feel, right, But that also helps me, it sounds crazy, it helps me be the best person that I could possibly be because when I show up for you too, I'm showing up for you because I want you to view me in a certain light.

Right, So I'm gonna do my best for me to have the best view and viewpoint in your life.

Right.

If there's laundry in the hallway, I'm gonna do the laundry for my fiance because I want her to be like, man, I got a good dude.

I feel you he.

Took a lot off my plate by doing that. So I'll be doing laundry because I'll be wanting to smash later.

I feel that I.

Just got to be clean and she gonna be tired, so fuck it, I'm about to go get this ship done.

To that.

So that's to that point, right.

And I've learned so much about myself through monogamy because you know, like being single and dating, that's totally different than being monogamous because when it comes to how I want my partner to feel about me, she's actually teaching me.

It sounds crazy. She's taught me how to be a man for real, doesn't doesn't sound crazy at all, Like she's really really taught me how to be a man, Like we talked about it.

Why do you think that that sounds crazy?

It sounds I was crazy because I feel like people feel like you're supposed to show up as a complete person. And I also feel like that's the reason why the day landscape is Yes, but I feel like people feel like you're supposed to show.

Up as a complete person.

And she's taught me how to be a man, and she's taught me how to continue to date her. She's taught me how to continue to flirt with her through today so I can smash at the end of the day all of those things, because you feel like, you know, you get into a relationship we being monogamous, the only thing you gotta worry about is I'm not out here chasing nobody else. And it's just like, nah, like the work actually just getting started when you enter the space of monogamy.

So what So ultimately, what you're saying is she didn't teach you how to be a man. She taught you how to be her man because that you had to show up for her.

Yeah, I like that.

Omar, did you always know you wanted to be monogamous or did there something happen where you were like, nah, I gotta change this.

Well, I would say similar to your situation.

And when I say similar to you, I just mean in terms of being selfish I've kind of always been smart enough to understand that what me being committed to one woman will take me to greater heights in my life in terms of being a great man of leadership, power, integrity, even wealth. Right, I would need a woman by my side when I've studied or when I look in the in the history of men, great men leaders in particular, when you look at them next to their side, there's

Anytime people will.

Push back through and say that Martin Luther King was a philanderer, though he wasn't necessarily like.

What I'm saying is though as a kid without even understanding that, because that information that I'm privy to as an adult, right, But as a kid, you don't understand that.

All you see is this is a great leader.

Of men in the image that he's being portrayed in, and next to him is his wife. So when I look at that from a young age, because these are when these thought performed, it's not like these thoughts are formed as a as an older point, like they're making a lasting impression as a as a kid on your subconscious mind without you, whether you know it or not. So when I've been able to look at those those type of men in my life or that have make an impact in my life, I'm like, okay, I need

Absolutely, Oh okay.

I'm actually locked in on my job, you know what I mean. I'm actually getting things accomplished, I'm signing deals, I'm making more money and so and to me, that is that is a place that I always want to be in.

I always want to be in a fruitful place of growth and progression.

And I believe that that could only happen by being committed to one woman. When you're not committed to one woman, let's just say you you live a life of polygamy, right, I personally feel like you're a bit distracted. You may not say people who live those lifestyles may not come on the front on the front lines and say that, right,

You're spread, you know what I mean.

And to me, I feel like I can make more of an impact in my life and those around me by being committed and.

Being in a monogamous relationship.

Due and before we before we move on, polygamy is illegal in America's it's not necessarily polygamy, it's monogamy or non monogamy.

So we're just going to correct that and not say polygamy.

No one here agrees with polygamy, but we're talking about being non monogamous.

But Duke, what happened to you? My brother? Man? What happened? That's actually that's actually a good way to put it.

And the reason that's a good way to put it is because I grew up in a culture where it was very normal to not be to not be monogamous, right, So I grew up with it. My uncles, my grandpa, you know, my father to some degree, right, So I grew up with it. So everything pointed me in the direction of because I'm Nigerian, right, so they have different kind of just traditional values. You go there, you go, so regardless of people would agree with it or not.

That's fair.

So I don't believe I could go mess with women and everybody stay hushed us don't believe it.

That's an that's an honest ass answer. But I don't do it right. And I'm saying it's layered, but I could never. I could never. I'm saying.

I'm saying it's there's more to it, but I could never put my trust in another woman to dibble and.

Dabble, hurt and everything.

Way, bro, you're absolutely right, because we don't we don't trust. We don't trust all men. That's why we only have specific friends. So it makes the same sense. If I don't trust all women, why would us go out here and lay down with every woman? It actually makes sense, but go ahead, no way, so you know, and amongst other things, man, it's just like everything you said.

I feel like I'm going to.

Be the most successful with one woman because I don't have that type of capacity dealing with women is hard. Yes, it's difficult. It takes a lot to deal with a women and cultivate a strong, healthy relationship, all right. And there's no way I can say that I want this, I want the best out of myself and my relationship and still be playing around with other women.

Okay.

So for me, monogamy gives me structure, right, it gives me a foundation of principles, and it allows me to trust someone, right. I don't want to have to navigate different you know, relationships or situations or whatever the case may be, and be wondering can I trust this person?

You know?

So for me, monogamy has always been I want to say always been, but just through growing up, I realized it was the best path for me, right.

And I'm someone I'm a giver man. I love when I love, I love hard. I feel right.

I can't even I can't even just think about giving that up for everybody.

I'm a nasty thing.

The things I be wanting to do I can't do to everybody, you know what I'm saying. So for me, yeah, it's also on the sex thing, like I do, I'm gonna sit down and just dive into any woman I meet, I want to have a conversation first, what was going on with you? What's your credit score? Like?

You know what I'm saying, Like, how often have you been to the doctor? Well, you know what I'm saying.

These are conversations that everybody don't want to have. So for me, monogamy was also about that.

Yeah, and I feel like this, man, I feel like like I feel with everything in life, you are going to get out what you put in. And if you give your all to one person, I trust that my decision to pick her, I trust that she's gonna give me everything back.

Okay, And that's why.

And the other thing is is too I'm not afraid to be hurt. Oh you're hurt by a woman. I'm not afraid, bro, I'm not afraid. I'm confident that I could be hurt and bounce back.

So you saying I'm gonna use discernment to pick the right woman and if I get hurt, I'm strong enough to say I can bounce back. I'm saying that a lot of people want monogamy but are afraid to be hurt, so they'll stay away from it. Because when you're dealing with someone else, there's no guarantee that this person is gonna do you right, there's no guarantee. It's not a chance, but it's no guarantee.

You know why. I know that you're right about that, and I can't say you're right.

But there's a memo social media of the cat sleeping, and there's a lot of people saying, how I sleep at night knowing that nobody's sucking me over.

A single exactly? That literally is what you just said. It's a fear. Yeah, it's a fear.

So you believe fear of people keeping people from monogamy because they don't want to be hurt.

I believe that people know they can get hurt, but they don't. They feel like if they get hurt, they can't recover. And I'm saying that when you confident you can recover, you're okay with taking the risk of monogamy.

I never thought about that. Did y'all ever think about that?

Like the possibility of getting hurt and no one can I recover if I put everything into this woman.

When I was younger.

I'm gonna be honest with you, and I don't want to disrespect the men that are in mind, that were in my life have been in my life, monogamy was Anything outside of monogamy was never an option for me. My dad was monogamous, My brothers are monogamous. The men, the good men that were around me were monogamous. So like us sitting up here isn't a shock to me.

It's not anomally.

I see a lot of people they're like, man, I'm gonna be the first person in my lineage, in my generation to be monogamous, and like, that's not my story. My my parents fully expected me to be monogamous. My brothers fully expected me to be monogamous, so anything outside of that would be the anomaly of the family. So like, being around even being around men that are not monogamous is like, it's shocking to me.

And how long you've been what's your three years? Three years?

Was there ever a point in your life where you were trying to be monogamous and felt like this ain't for me with her, with anybody, oh yeah, before her, before her, Like, I don't even think you should even be considering the word monogamous for real until you talking about getting married.

Okay, that's fair. Dating doesn't require monogamy to be honest, to be honest, you got to work on it.

Yes, but I wasn't in the space of wanting to get married in space, so it's like, yeah, I'm dating, but I'm not trying to get married. That wasn't That wasn't a thing like, yeah, were moving around, you know what I'm saying, And so we would have fun now moving with intention And one thing that was very difficult is me and my fiance. She's an incredible woman. We did long distance for the first year of our relationship, so I knew for that to work for me, we

Yep? Every time was getting on flights. You're going to text you so much.

B I gotta go see my girl because it's it's like if I don't or and this is just for people who have long distance relationships. If you don't have a schedule on when you're gonna see your partner, you're leaving too much space for yourself to get in trouble, for her to get in trouble. When an argument happens, you don't know when you're gonna see her again. So now it's just like I'm finna go out and do this now if I know, he Yo, this week I seen her, I'm gonna see her again in two weeks.

You got too much idle time and not understand what's going on with you. And you know what we say about idle time. Yeah, zevil find time for idle hands. We don't know that, and we don't know that.

So it's like I knew what the flight schedule was. I used to send her a flight schedule every single month, so I was I was very intentional with being monogamous. I don't think monogamy is something that happens on accident either, Like I'm I'm not that good of a person bro.

To say I'm just monogamous because I'm in.

A relationship, right, Like, no, I have to, like I told you, I'm selfish. I have to be like, Okay, how is this gonna benefit Julyn? How is this gonna benefit Jelyn? What does that look like for Jilan? And then I have to put all those together and I have to put it into action, and I have to stay disciplined on the things that I said I'm gonna put into action. Like me, if something look like I'm

Never played that game like I'm gonna just I'm playing with shorty now we.

Be We talk about it all the time. I'm I'm I don't you never Jean, Oh No, I don't trust me enough.

You never played with any chicks before you decided you was gonna get engaged, like I'm gonna just play around because I don't really want to be monogamous with my fiance now.

No no, no, I.

Said like before your like before when you were dating, because remember when hundred percent okay, because when Duke said dating should be about monogamy, you was just like, I don't think it necessarily that's a great conversation because when women date, women are dating with the expertation and I

But I'm gonna be honest though, like in the space of dating, like if we're not moving in that way, you know that there's there's now am I coming back and I'm going to tell you everything that's happening along the way. No, because I don't think you earn that space either, So I'm not gonna sit here and I'm not gonna lie to you. Matter of fact, if we're just dating and you see me out, you got to respect that too, because we're just dating, and that's a

And I'm be honest, I'm asking these questions because remember I met my wife when I was eighteen. I've never dated as a grown adult.

Let me tell you, bro, So let me tell you when you first started dating a woman, it's casual, you know what I mean.

It's it's very light, it's over the surface.

And casual also means that I could be courting another woman at the same time. Right in order for for the woman to take it to the level of yo, this situation has.

Now become monogamous.

We had to have the conversation of yo, you and I are now exclusively dating each other.

Once we're exclusively dating one.

Another, now now we're now monogamy is introduced into the fold. Right until then, we can't even have that conversation because it's not fair.

And and even if you're not, I'm under the assumption that.

You're you're you're dating other people too, because we haven't had the conversation that said, hey, we're both locked into one another, let's take the next step.

So does that conversation come before sex?

I under that probably not, probably not, And a lot of my situations, know a lot, I'll be honest with it.

But but but, but if you're.

Trying to be proper about your situation, if you game tight, like if you someone who's young and you listen to this conversation, then yeah.

You will. You would approach that conversation.

You would prost the situation differently and have the conversation beforehand, because for one, it's way more player. You give her the option to make a choice, right, Which is that's all you That's that's like in terms of being a man, like, we gotta be fair and we be like we could be fair by giving women.

Choicest me, let me cut you off just to ask a question, because this is actually fascinating to me because I've never dated in my twenties and I got four boys, so I know they're gonna come to me because they're not all going to meet their girl at eighteen. No, I can't say, like, you know, go to college, first year of college, meet your mother. You know what I'm saying, Like you can't. So for me, it's interesting because you

I believe that.

When you meet a young lady, if you don't want to be monogamous, it's like yo, we dating, we smashing or were trying to be And when I say that women be like, I would love if a man said that, But then when I hear dudes say that, they be like, you can't say that to no woman.

Because he's never said it before. The only man who are saying that are the men who haven't said it. They don't have the courage to say it. They think if I say it, I'm gonna lose this woman. Listen, you got if you're gonna be living a lifestyle, you got to operate with that risk. Hey, I can say this and she could possibly walk away. That's the game I'm playing. That's the way more players.

I'm gonna say this as well.

Right, because we all lived a unique experience, absolutely, right, So our confidence was a little different, Our access was a little different, especially living especially living in LA. All guys, most guys don't have the same access or environment that we have, right, So.

Explain that to them so they understand because you definitely, we definitely live unique experience.

Explain so because we played in the NFL, we knew we were an anomaly. So it wasn't NFL because we left because we're in this space, right, this industry, whatever the case may be, right, whether you're in the NFL, if you're in an industry and you could touch these people. Right, especially living in LA we see celebrities all the time, so like we're all like, we could live without you.

Right.

There's a plethora of women around this place, beautiful women around this place. So if you I want to fuck with me, somebody else will. I'm handsome enough, I'm intelligent enough, going on, right, people know me, people know me. I got respect in my city. It doesn't matter, right, every man, most men don't have that same type of luxury. That's one okay, that's less than one in the NFL, but just even just even something to give them that type of confidence.

Okay.

So the other thing is this, we can speak now right now because thirty five, we're super articulate, absolutely, so we know what our young person, our young self just say to navigate that situation. But eighteen year old you may not have that experience with women to navigate her feelings, right, You may not know how to communicate. Yo, I'm dealing with another chick on the side, just so you know, right, so you will just try to keep it in your

I'm sure she's talking to other other people.

Rue, So we never so even if I saw you doing your thing, I was good. So what happens is a lot of guys they'll be like, yo, I want to mess with other girls, but I don't want you messing with no other guys. Yeah, all right, and that's a problem. So for us, it was just like, hey, listen, the girls I'm dealing with. It's already assumed that I know guys talking to you. Yeah, so no, you know women are talking to me, right, So monogamy isn't even a conversation you had. And is it before sex though?

No, no, I'm telling you when you're young, it's not none of that. None of that is happening. It's just as soon.

And then also at least nah, since I since I was in college to you know, the last couple of years in the NFL, like all this interaction was out in the public, were in the hottest places, so there was no hiding this interaction.

Oh, I see what you're saying. You knew when I was hiding at a girl, you found out.

You knew social media that people take pictures video like I mean, not even find out you see who I am?

Yeah, you see the way I'm moving so and saying that like it. I didn't have to explain this matter of fact. I know that you saw me. You saw me, and I kept it tom and you didn't say nothing to me because you're like, I'm playing my part and that was just the order of things. And women will say, yo, I want you to tell me. I want you to tell me. Sometimes sometimes that's the space you got to create too.

Like, for example, if you are kicking it with a woman and you know you're not being serious, you haven't open enough conversation with her where she's telling you about her experiences, you're telling her about your experiences, and you guys both have an idea exactly who each other is. It's not like, Yo, I really want you to be my girl, and you're trying to You're trying to collherseer into doing things. That's not how, that's not how, that's

I'm realizing how like naive I am to the dating process because I didn't go through the dating process in my twenties. We're speaking about monogamy. How much do you expect monogamy from a woman? And I asked this question because one of my partners who's he's not an athlete, but he's in the entertainment industry, make good money.

Everybody knows him.

He started dating this young lady, she went out with someone.

Else who's on social media, and he lost it.

He said to me, like, Yo, this is messed up, Like she should have told me da da da da da. And I was just like, well, you're dating other people though, dude. He was just like, yeah, but it's different because if she expects a man of my caliber to choose her, then she should move a certain way. How hard is it to be in the NFL on your own business, mid twenties, young attractive black man, You got options? How hard is it to settle down and say, I trust this woman who knows all of these.

Things about me?

Because that's an issue I get from a lot of young men that I mentor who are in the NCAA football basketball they're going to project it to be high draft picks, or they're in the entertainment industry, they're on shows. And they always asked me, yo, you met your girl

On mom? Who?

I was twenty seven, twenty eight, so you had already been in the league.

And I was. I was out.

So, like I would say, like being young, black successful making money, it's really hard.

It's hard.

It's hard, bro, especially because we don't grow up with like an abundance of a good examples, you know what I mean? Like we're more times than than not, we have terrible examples that are leading us down a path of destruction, whether it be in music, television, or music. I don't want to cut you off, but to that point you asking about your son specifically right now, society can't be their perception of reality. Their reality has to be what they can understand. So you guys, you and

Just like me? And I'm like, no, I'm not. I know I'm married d and I'm.

Gonna marry somebody that's just like my mom, and you could only it's just like, it's just like, how did you.

Find her though?

In this this world where it is a lot of salacious people out there and people be looking to come up.

When I've seen her, I knew. And here's why.

I don't mean to cut you off though, but like when you older, you have better discernment, you know what I mean. You see the world from a different perspective, You have different experiences. So if I was you, I would encourage my sons, if I was in your situation, to wait, to wait, like now have fun, right, and you teach them how to have fun safely. Of course, I know you, I know you do, you know what I mean. But that's the thirteen we started having them conversations.

I knew. I knew when I seen her.

I met her five years before we got together, and I was like, as soon as she gave me a chance, I'm taking every problem that come with her.

So you did you know what I didn't know? Here, I'll tell you when I knew.

I told you I met Candice when I was I had just won a super Bowl, right, but shiit six months later I got released, Okay, so I lose my job. This is probably as as an athlete. I've never been cut from anything. This is my first time experiencing this. But see as the earlier you experienced it, the better you are to rebound from it. Absolutely, it happened so later in my life that it was hard for me to rebound like it was.

I just struggled with it, you know what I mean.

And she ended up showing up for me in a time where man, I wasn't really showing up for myself. And so in that moment, even though we didn't lock it in in that very moment, because I was still on the journey, you know what I mean, I was, I was moving around.

I knew, I knew she was the one.

I was like, yo, if I get back from this, because I was leaving LA moving to New York, and I knew I was gonna eventually make my way back to Los Angeles, And I told myself, Yo, if I make my way back and she's still available, there's no way I'm going on at that full fledged you know what I mean. And we've been literally locked in ever since. So it was a moment in my life that made me realize this is the one.

Happened gradually. There was no like moment. How long did y'all date before we dated?

For?

We dated?

Oh, before I proposed, Yeah, shit, I proposed between twenty three, so four years, for like four or five years, but.

Thirty one we all met.

Nah.

When we met, I was twenty twenty eight, twenty eight, Right, So we I met, we dated for like eight months, stopped talking for like eight months.

Okay, okay, right, kind of get it right, we can do it.

And then when we can do it, that was kind of the first time that we really That's how we count when we started, because then we became serious. We were just we were just dating. It's just kind of like, yo, I was in New York. I ain't know nobody she was out there. I feel it was just it was what it was.

Did the break tell you like when you was on that break, was you like that that might have been the one?

Honestly? No? No, nah nah man? When what was.

I think when she came back into my life and I realized, oh, I still feel the same way about her, and we just picked the right when we left off. And this is so I'm in La too, So like all my work is out here, yeah right, not your job.

We're not doing work. We're not talking about employments.

All my work is out here. And she just came and inserted herself right back into my life. I didn't nothing happened, and I just dropped everybody. I dropped everybody dog and I was just like, oh wow, and at that moment, were you trying to be monogamous?

For sure? For sure?

Because I realized when she came back to my life the way we picked up, I was like, this is not normal, you know, and sometimes God give you a song you just got to listen is not normal. And we just picked up conversation, chemistry, intimacy, all those things.

And then the other thing is.

This right because she came back in my life, right, we addressed certain things that went on before we stopped talking right away. I was like, Yo, let's just be a little bit more transparent and vulnerable. Hey, here's what, here's why I think you did wrong. And she was just like, you know what, Like I couldn't handle that better. That's really important. So there was a reason why y'all

It's a long copy. I get it. I understand that.

But you know, like we had when she came back to my life, we just had a different type of communication that allowed us to actually go deeper, right, And then I realized, Okay, I'm going to play some of my life.

And then timing is important. Time isn't important, you know what I mean.

Like I was out of the league, and I was just like, okay, this is is to have a girl in the league is not conducive.

It's not gonna do. It's just too hard. It's hard, hard traveling.

Yeah, yeah, the lifestyle, it's just hard. So timing was important, you know. So we said hard for I was like, my gentleman, but yeah, so so so time was important man. And then just from there we just continue to build. And then we were doing a long distance thing like Jalan. I was going back and forth, spend a lot of money. She was coming here. She was missing work to come see me, and I was just like, yo, like yeah, let's make it happen.

And she wanted to come to l A anyway. Yeah, and she made it. She came.

Bro.

Well, you had said something about I want to say something about your son. Bro, I think your son is going to be here. Your son is going to grow up in a fantastic position. Right, you have influence, authority, power, all these things, Okay, and it is going to be hard for him. But something that I didn't have for my dad. Right, he didn't give me any type of just eight principles that you should look for in a woman, all right, And what I think. I think you guys

You as a man, what are your values? Okay? Cool?

One of my values is family, absolutely, So now I got to look for a woman who's into family, right, what are your family?

Like?

Asking those questions? He got to ask those questions. You gotta facilitate those questions.

Right.

I'm looking for a woman who is not all about herself, right, someone who's carrying.

How do I figure that out? Okay? Cool? Well, a way to figure out that is, yo, does does she pay? Sometimes?

Right?

She willing to pay sometimes. These are small signs that are going to show up in good women. Now, a good woman is.

Not you know, that's gonna be a viral clip. Right. Oh yeah, Duke says his girl. You know that's what they're going to do. That's not what Duke said but I understand where you're coming from.

Though a good woman is not mistake free, though she's gonna still have mistakes.

Absolutely what I'm saying. But there's certain things you could look for and look.

If you're a god fearing religious person, then it's just like, hey, listen, do you go to church, do you pray?

Right?

And like, you know, they talk about talk a lot about women having checklist mm hmm, you gotta have a checklist.

I had a checklist. You gotta have a checklist.

Everybody got a check I had a check Everybody had to check, whether they know it or not.

You have a check checklist. You know through data, you have a checklist, right, I had a super checklist. I'll get on your checklist, bad ass. Yeah, I know me, and I love that. I was deliberate.

I'm gonna be honest. I was deliberate about and this is probably gonna get attack too. I was delibered about the dating a woman with a father. And the reason why is because when I first went to Kadeen's house, her grandmother said, come here, sweetheart, come sit down. I sat down at that table and her grandmother made Kadeen go get a ceramic plate, with an actual iron fork

Ass So the same order though the family part was extremely important to me, and it was important to me because I actually need somebody that loves theyself or I'll take advantage of.

You and you can't get that.

If people haven't been telling you who you are your entire life.

That was deep.

Take it back on one time. You knew that if they didn't love themselves, you would take it.

I'll take advantage of their lack of self love. So that's deep. It's super deep. I told you I'm not that good of a person, right. The fact that you know that is important. So my fiance, she taught me how to love her. She showed me what love looks like for her. But she could only do that if people tell her who she is every day.

Absolutely, that's a good one. That's a good one. What was your list? Fat ass? Bro? Fat ass? Why is that something that's so high on the list? I mean, what is that about? Why is that something that's so high on the list. Do you don't really want to have this conversation? I mean I feel like you have the conversation. Yeahap clap, I love it.

Plus, there's nothing like when your woman puts on heels and she's statue wes and she you know, lean and that shit pop out and she just walked by.

It's like I didn't ask to love ass like that. It was put upon me. You know what, I'm saying like some people are breasts. That's me.

It's all about that for me. Also, I knew I wouldn't. I knew I was gonna have sons. You can ask my wife. We was in college and she was just like, how many kids you want to have? I said, I have three kids. They're all gonna be boys. I don't make girls. That's what I said to her. And then I told her, I said, you lucky you athletic, because my kids got to be athletic. And I knew that the bubble and a woman meant that she had some athleticism because her mom ran track. She Jamaican. So for me,

The you know, you know what I'm saying. You see people who are not athletic, you know, coordinated.

You know what I'm saying. I needed to make sure. So I watched I watched k walk. She was a pagant girl. She put them heels on, she didn't stumble, she still tall. Also, her confidence it's what freaking got me. Like Kadeen was so confident at a young age that I was like, gosh, this, I've never seen an eighteen year old woman standing up in front of a bunch

Nothing, No, come with me. And she took that and she ran with and I was like, well, I love this one. Here she was. She was my one, Like everything about her was.

Just what I needed in my life. Yeah, that's what I needed.

I needed. I needed a woman who had a fat ass.

I needed a woman who wanted a family because I knew that was something that I wanted at some point in my life. And then I guess the other thing would be Damn, I just lost my thought.

Let's see a distracted distracted you know what, I'm like, what family? God, God, godly and.

Excuse me. Just like yourself outgoing, I am super social. I'm a social butterfly. You put me in the room, I'm going to talk to people. I'm gonna just like a butterfly. I'm gonna float, you know what I mean? Here here, And I wanted someone who could compliment that and who could also hold their own and I'm not around because when I turn my back, I need someone who could possibly seal the deal for me.

So when I got into the conversation.

And now we're moving on, so that was important for me because I knew that that was going to help make me better.

So that was important for me to have that checklist. That's not that's you bet a lot of the same. That's why Wise when they did the podcast, got along so much because they like the same person who's your list due personal lists.

Man, family oriented, someone who is just loving.

I think for me, Man, I had the tendency to like get so doubted too, sports work, whatever the case may be, that sometimes I could fit.

I forget. I have a family, right and my girls like heyo call your mom? Yeah yeah, and.

You need to have you spoke to your brothers, have you spoke to your mom. Hey, listen, you need to get better at that. Right, So someone who is going to make it, who's going to hold me accountable to keeping my flame going with my family? That was really important, right, someone my family loved, My family loves her, right, and she's super accommodating to my family values.

Right.

So she's not Nigerian. Nigerians are tough, Nigerians are judgmental, Right, Nigerians will try to test you if you're not Nigerian.

Right.

Yeah, she was just eating it and you was not not even like a not even just like a just taking it in like a like a you know, a victim, but really like taking it flipping it back.

Hey, yo, I'm going to meet you with love.

Yeah, I'm going to meet you with Oh auntie, here's what we brought for you. You know what I'm saying, more so than I've ever done. So that was really important for me. And I realized how she can maneuver it in that environment and meant that she would be accommodating to whatever comes with that. Right, someone who was super intelligent. I need to be able to talk to you. I just need to be able to talk to you and like, I feel like I'm a pretty smart person.

You know what I'm saying. I'm an in depth thinker.

I want to talk about anything and everything, and I want to deal with the person I love. And if you can't do that with me, you're not for me, all right. So that was on my list. Someone who I could talk to, someone who knew how to argue, right, someone who knew how to just disagree.

Okay, Okay, that's what I'm saying. You know why that is? Dope? You say that, you know what?

The second thing on here is, yeah, finding out as a man how now to always want to be writing's on the paper right here, because I wanted to ask y'all about this. So I'm glad you brought that up. And now you just talk about that.

And now that I think about that, which we're talking about what you said, what you finished saying, Now that I think about the argument part, right, you asked me earlier, how did I know she was the one? Or how do I know when you were? I do remember when we were dating, all right. It was our first type of disagreement and it was the yo. So what are we that type of Okay? Okay, okay, okay. And when we first had that talk, you know, it was in shower and she was like, YO, like, let me ask

I haven't.

I haven't met your sisters. We've been dating for X amount of time. You talk about your sisters, but I've never met them, right, So I talking about things that she was doing wrong while we're dating, and she didn spas out. She just took it and was like, Okay, I can make I can make that correction. So for a woman to want to make corrections when she's not even locked in with somebody like that, it said he told me a lot that, like, Okay, we can have

I could really build a life with.

Right and immediately, like next week, start making changes everything I was talking about, Start making changes, Start making changes instead of just dismissing it and me like, now I ain't doing all that.

My boy that I was talking about was going to hear this. One thing is he's not jimmying.

People are gonna put two and two together when they watched this, but he's not germying.

He's doing well for himself, making money.

And he's the one who called me about you know, if she if she wants to be with a guy like me, she should know. And I literally said to him, I said, well, how was she going to know if you don't give her a chance to make adjustments?

And he said and then he said, I need to go to therapy.

And I said why he said, even though he's not Jerry, And he said, I've never seen a positive family atmosphere because of the things that happened in my culture and the way I want to live my life.

I didn't watch that, so I don't know how to exist in that.

And he was like, I have to learn how to be in a relationship, which goes back to what you said that you had to learn how to be the right man for your fiance.

You know, you see what I'm saying?

Like that all it's funny to hear y'all talk about this because I've never experienced this. And this is why I like doing these type of podcasts where it's just men, because typically when it's me and Kadeen, I give my perspective, she gives her perspective. But both of our perspectives are very linear because we met each other when we were eighteen. So it's like when people ask us, well, when y'all

And I asked him myself, what makes you more confident?

He was like, well, number one, I'm finally taller than them, because you know, girls, that's the thing before us.

You know.

So now he's about he's five to five now, so all the girls in his age shorten him an eye level, and he started lifting weights. He's like, I feel a little bit more plus the test to talk about how to do.

But he's coming.

So we having in real conversations and he's just like, so when you start talking to mom, and I'm just like, well, he's gonna ask me questions when he's in his twenties and I'm going to say, I don't know because at this point I was already with your mom, Like you're talking about dating girls like imagine him twenty seven, twenty eight, Dad, I got this chick on mating.

She lives in France and I live here. How did you and mom deal with that?

But you don't got too though, That's why you say you call call called uncle Duke. Yeah, no, I'm gon tapping with uncle. I'm definitely gonna do that, you know what I mean, absolutely, And that's that's why the what we're doing right here is important. Building with other brothers

You know what I mean, because sometimes as a kid, you don't want to hear from your pops. Now, it's great about relationship that y'all have, right, it's great.

You're still his dad, and he don't look at me like you do. You don't like nothing, nah, exactly exactly. So it's it's another voice, and outside voice that you trust is going to be really important and instrumental in that growth process, right, Like these guys are I mean you included in my life by design, Like it's I know that. To Oh's point, I can't get to my son all the time. I won't be able to get to my son. But I will tell you this though you feel like you're not equipped a lot of times.

We date once mandatory, but at least twice.

And I don't want to take anything away from women that are in relationships, but like, you do know how to date. You do know how to make her continuously feel sexy. You know those steps and you know those things. You guys just go to bed tonight together every single night, but you know exactly what that looks like.

You know what she needs to feel.

I'm gonna tell you the biggest thing that was important for me when I was growing up. It wasn't my mom and my dad's relationship. They got a divorce when I was six, but it was my mother and my stepdad's relationship because of the affection I got to see in the home when she when she walks by and he smack her on the ass, or you know, she's at the kitchen and he comes up behind her and he hugs her, and I'm like, oh, women like that.

Fact.

So like my dad didn't do any of that. So my brothers they have a bit of a disconnect with affection. I don't have any disconnect with affection because I grew up in the household seeing it all the time. So I'm telling you, we could say all the words that we want to say to our kids.

They're gonna watch.

They're gonna watch because I hear men who were unfaithful to their wives, to their children's mom and they try to speak to their son and tell them who he should be, and he gonna only be what he sees.

He say, you did this to mom. No.

So again, this is when we say you said in an incredible example, it's not because of the words you hear you say, we hear you say, we can watch your Instagram in silence.

Act know exactly who you are. Action. It's my brother. I appreciate that. Actually, that's what and not for nothing.

That's a good time to take a break because you see, I'm sweating like a freaking slave. Uh, it's hot in here, bro, It's it's crazy here. We had to turn the AC off because y'all wouldn't able to hear nothing. So we're gonna take a quick break. We're gonna come back finish with these letters listen to letters. So we're back after you know, paying some bills. We got listening letters, so I'm gonna let you guys help me with listening to letters.

I saw if I brainier.

Major and communication major, right, Yes, no problem, So let's get money. It says what's up de Val and Kadeen, So we're gonna add what's up Daval, Kadeen and DJ from the nicest in the podcast like that, first and foremost, thank you guys for the work you guys do it helps so much. Let's get right to it. I need

I know that problem.

I low keep married the damn supermodel and not really sure how the fuck I pulled it off. I could easily sit here courtside and she would catch the eye of many professional athletes.

The girl is so bad.

She can come down the stairs with a bonnet and the house roll on my dick and house roll on, and my dick will instantly get hard.

He going in. Y'all get it? Your wife fine, be getting it all right, We all got fine wires. You're going too much. Do you know how he's still going on? How to describe his wife?

Do you know how the fresh Krispy Kreme donuts look when you're being glazed on.

The Oh wow wow? All the conveyor belt trouble. How did you let all of this get through here?

Bro?

You serious things? So okay? So he okay. So that's that's what I see.

If she gives me a glimpse of a calf muscle fresh out the shower. Not only do I get the privilege of being married to this mahogany, majestic goddess, but this girl has a heart with the richness and size of Africa Nigeria. In fact, for Duke, I say that he didn't write that.

I say that she.

Has a heart of vibranium because she's held me down in so many ways that only a person who truly loves someone can I have just recently completed my PhD in nuclear medicine, and she's an intel specialist for homeland security.

Oh, it's probably busting his money again to it.

All right, My process to getting my PhD was not a pretty process, and financially it wasn't. I haven't been able to contribute the way that I know she deserves, because the schooling journey is intensive and mentally exhausting. In the beginning, when the time some mind if my goal wasn't favorable and people told me to let it go, she said, Nah, bro, this is all you've talked about

Jesus.

I cried like a baby, sitting at a restaurant in Atlanta, thinking, why would someone be so beautiful who could effortlessly get a seven figure nigga with her smile do this for me? Here we are now, though, my sexual appetite for her is often a point of contention because I just can't get enough. I struggled with porn during the first couple years of our marriage, but I prayed for release from that because I didn't like the control that took over me.

Lol.

The problem is I often feel like a weirdo because I want sex so much from my wife. I do too, trust me, I know, but I know it's not on her mind like it is mine.

Mine isn't either.

There has unequivalently been zero infidelity in our marriage. But I am afraid that if we keep going the way we are, I may break like I'm a catch to just not a twelve out of ten like she is maybe eight eight point five, but all.

My side teeth. Wait, but I got all my side teeth.

I'm six to one, consistent, four pack abs, natural hairline, and older women in my network make.

Advances from time to time.

He talking like a nuclear physicist, like they can since when the dick ain't been getting sucked exact.

This is hilarious. It's hilarious.

It ain't goes like my wife hates sucking dick and I love to be a pussy, and I think she doesn't even like getting ate out.

I tell her I'm gonna let you. I'm'a let you.

Sit on my face when I get home, or make a general advance, and I can immediately feel in sense She's like weirded out and arguments then ensue. I try to explain to her that I can't help that I'm infatuated with her and only her. Our last argument about sex ended with her letting me know that most of the time when we do have sex, she actually doesn't want to. She just does it to make me happy, Bro, that's the worst because I don't.

Y'all y'all larious beautiful.

That's the worst because I don't want her to do it out of guilt or obligation. She made a statement along the lines that my expectations are for her to be a porn star, and that was a low blow because I worked my ass off to lose that addiction and.

Been cleaned since twenty eighteen.

On that, bro, I don't think one is sex ten times a month and willing to settle for hand jobs.

Is porn star? Ask a porn star esque like damn.

Sometimes when she's on her cycle, I won't let her give me a hand job.

Considering the pain and cramps and stuff.

I feel like that would be fucked up to take pleasure while she's in pain. To be fair, she has a traumatic pass from childhood that would have that. We've sought professional help, and I often feel that sometimes that past situation affects us and it's rough. Help me out because I got nes bro, cheating ain't an option, and I love her to life that.

I got anxiety super layer.

So it started off beautiful, man, My initial thought is off the top is before you even said she had trauma. I was already leaning there. I'm like, there's got to be something. There has to be something in her past for her not to be connected with him like this. To me, it sounds like it's clear that she's not over it, you know what I mean, And although they went to seek counsel for it, maybe it's something that they haven't actually fully made it through, you know.

So on top of that, though, like.

It's clear that he's talking, he's voicing his opinion to his woman. But maybe he needs to change the setting and where he's telling her at. Maybe he needs to change up the environment. Maybe it's maybe it's it's it's triggering to her where he's telling her at.

You know, let me ask a question, and this is just me playing devil's advocate, but also just being honest. Why does it seem like we as men always have to jump through so many hoops when we're not the only ones that want monogamy. Women want monogamy too, especially from a man that they say I want that man to be my man. Part of that monogamy means that you want me to share all of my sexual exploits with only you. So if I'm only supposed to share

To do that. Maybe she wasn't aware of what the expectation was. That is actually a very good point, you know what I mean.

Sometimes that happens when we haven't expressed exactly what we're looking for or what we need. We kind of just kept it internally and just assumed them to know because she's the woman and I'm the man, you know what I mean, And that's how it goes. So I would say that's the first thing. It's just like the assumption that she understands what I'm saying or that what my needs are to the point, yeah, probably that when do you have that conversation or during the dating process, like

Well did he say that? I mean, what's the what's the job situation now?

Is she's still like because that makes that makes a difference. That makes a difference. He said something, Well, she slip me. He was talking about all these qualities about her. Well, maybe she's built, maybe she loves him, but that can build resentment if you're not if you're not moving and progressing, right, we can.

See that in acrimony.

And here's the thing, yore like arousal from a woman's standpoint, it's not just your physical it's not just yourr good yo, I want other guys to respect you.

Do other men respect you? You feel me? Did y'all hear that?

But it's true though, because women will say that though it's other men. Look at your man?

All right? Cool?

So now you're talking about all right, well I got solid four pack, Well go get a six pack.

You got it?

I mean, just like you wanted some funny though, dude, me and my friends have the same conversation. Sometimes you got to be better than what you think she is your best to get the type of woman that you want. Because he s you seeked out this supermodel chick that's super smart who makes money.

So that's a good point for sure. And then you you just listed off all these things. So maybe she feels like she's settling for you, but she's gonna definitely diminish her arousal. That's just how it is. And people will love you through that, right, but.

Not have sex with you.

Yeah, And he said, I don't know how I got her. I don't know how I deserve her, and like we all love our women, but you know exactly that, right, not exactly how I got her. Also, you know that's that's a perspective look to look at. Another perspective is they're not speaking the same language, right, And and it's tough because and we talk about the porn issue a lot. Porn is very very damaging to the way that you view affection because and porn affection is kind of like

Right.

So we have a I think it's known now that women need to be stimulated mentally and emotionally before they can even get to that physical part of like really desiring that space.

So throughout the day and we talked.

About like warming up, warming your woman up, Like I don't know if that exists.

This is what I said. It's layered to your point Duke of if.

I'm sliding my man in the card, I know that I'm the one kind of like taking care of things.

I'm doing this. It's like.

That space of stimulation isn't necessarily there. It's just not there. It's non existent, and it's not showing up because I couldn't imagine my girl telling me after how many years?

What was the years they've been together? Twelve years?

Twelve years? Like you know, like, nah, I'm kind of good. I know that it's me. It's not you. It's a me thing. So I don't know how he's approaching the habit, the poor, the poorn addiction habit, because a lot of times we want to act that out right and you want to make that out and she's like, I don't know, don't want to do that. That's what I'm trying to do. You didn't even get me to the point to do that.

To ye, yes, see that yeah.

Yeah, So like I don't see how you slide on the card, and it's like, all right, take me, that's fair.

I'm the masculine.

That's fair energy in your card because I still love you, yep, right, and that's all that is. I love you, So I want to preserve your integrity. I don't want you to be embarrassed.

See.

I wish he would have told us where he is financially now so that we could understand, because all he talked about in the very beginning, he said he got his degree, but that doesn't mean the degree translated to making money to where he can be the one.

Now to be like, baby, I got it.

That's actually a good value, right, And like you just said, like he's talking about like pretty much he's.

Writing like he all kicked his coverage. That's literally where I said.

So any guy's walking around like I'll kick my coverage, it's not like commanding that type of respect from your woman, right You'll say, your woman's not looking up to you. Yeah, that's going to affect you sexually, you know what I'm saying, Especially if you're the one who always wants to have sex, especially where she feels like, Okay, now it's a burden, a burden to.

Me, all right. Nah, I agree with that. I agree with that.

I hope, sir, he didn't leave his name, but I do hope he was able to listen and will be able to take what you guys say, because I'm always the one on the giving end of this, like when guys right in and then I'm told sometimes and I'm too hard on the guys because well, everybody ain't gonna be able to do this and make this money and play in the NFL. And I said, what, everything ain't about money, but everything is about how you see yourself. And if your girl sees that you don't see yourself

You gotta feel like the prize in order for her to understand you are one. So that you gotta feel like the prize in order for her to understand that you are one.

If you another.

Says men of the prize, you have to feel like you are the prize.

For her to recognize that.

You are one and vice versa lively every day you walked in the house and your girl told you, like, man, I don't even deserve you.

Man, you're just such a good man. You're just I gotta don't even know how I even got you. I'm surprised that all the women out there that look at you can't just get you at the drop of a hat. You're gonna tell you that all the time. You be looking at it, like, bro, we in this together, right, right, you gotta have that that. I don't want to say. I don't want to say self respect as if he's lacking it, but you gotta do.

Yeah, he do.

I do feel like he does lack of respect for himself, even the way he wrote that letter. It's a four page letter about how beautiful his wife is, but also downplaying himself.

Then in a super.

Bowl looking at the lights, yes, like this the whole game, and it's like, bruh, yeah.

You got to get in the game. That is true.

That's a good analogy because you are in the super Bowl looking at the lights, and if you are a coach, you like.

You're not playing. You gotta play it. Coach, won't be like, get your ass in the back, but what you doing? So?

Nah, I appreciate that, sir. What would you say if we wasn't here, I would have you gould add trouble. I would have literally said the same thing, like you gotta believe in yourself. The first thing I would have said was, well, after you got the PhD, are you earning enough now where you can treat your woman the way she treated you?

If you got a four pack.

I say this to dudes all the time, get an eight pack if your girl requires that, you need more of this, Because we as men often require out of our girls, don't we be the first ones to be like I like if you get a little tighter, you get that a little bit. We will all say we like ass. I'm the same one telling Kay like yo hit that squad rat twice a week, you know what I'm saying. So for me, it ain't nothing for me to tell myself like I got to eat better.

You know what I'm saying. I got a question for you.

Yeah, And this is like us as brothers talking right when you just said, you know, sometime I look at my wife and I'd be like, yo, hit that squad rack. How did you guys get to the point for you to get to that level of critique and feel comfortable with saying it and know that you're not attacking her, but you know, you just you're speaking from a real place of love.

To be honest, I think it was easy for me because my wife was a pageant queen. Her mom is Jamaican and her mom will pinch her side every day of her life and be like, you're not where you need to be. So I think she was already conditioned to understand that that type of critique is also coming from a place of love. Plus she's also extremely vain, like I don't have to do much of that getting the squad right stuff. K wakes up every morning and

A lot of times I have to tell her like, yo, you relax.

You know what I'm saying, You just had a baby, Calm down, that she's the one that's in the gym, Train me, train me. So for me, I just chose a woman that I knew would appreciate herself and how she looked enough that I wouldn't have to be the drill sergeant.

So for me, I didn't really have to go through that like that.

Like she she self motivates, you know, she just doesn't like for me to train with her because then I go and then I'm now, you're supposed to do it like this, and then she looking at I'm like, I'm not a football player, and I'm like, I'm not training you like a football player. I'm just saying that I've done this, and if you want to get more of the group, Maximus.

You might want to turn your fee. If fuck you the valo, Okay, well get a trainer. I can't do it.

Yeah, I'm not doing it. I'm not And that's been good for us. You know what I'm saying. We go to the gym, you that way, I go down somebody, Do you see any videos of me and k with me? Like, no, I'm here, she's there.

That works for us. That works. That keeps us out a lot of arguments.

If you want to be featured on one of our listening letters, make sure you email us at that that's advice dot com. That's d E A D A S S A d V I C E at gmail dot com. Now before we leave, we always finish with a moment of truth. I mean, give each of you a minute to say your moment of truth. My moment of truth is very simple. As men, we have to use discernment

That's my moment of truth. Bow, go ahead, go ahead.

Hey, so moment of truth. Okay, So you can as a man, you can create the exact relationship that you want to create, all right, And it comes down to you. It's no one else's responsibility to make you handsome. There's no one else's responsibility to make you successful. Talk about intelligence, all right. Anything you want to create, you can create. It's your decision to choose women and have discernment, and you know, pick the right type of women that align

Just be better, all right.

When you just become better and make yourself the best you can make yourself, all right, you become desirable and when you come, when you become your ultimate self, bro, you can pick and have any women, any woman you want.

All right.

So it's a very bulletproof way of thinking about things. Don't be complaining, Just get better.

Moment of truth, fellas, we gotta be honest. If we need help, we gotta see counsel. If you need to be if you what, excuse me, we gotta see wise counsel. If you know you need to remove yourself from certain situations because you found you feel like you fall to victim to certain things in those in those moments, then you need to avoid those type of situations, and you gotta be honest with yourself about that. If you know that you need to do more self work, you gotta

Moment of truth.

I got it, now you got it, got it, Let's get money. Moment of truth. Monogamy is a choice. Monogamy is not a lifetime choice that you say, heyo, I'm gonna think about it once and I'm going to establish it. Monogamy is a day to day, moment to moment, minute to minute choice. Monogamy is understanding who you are when you are in the most treacherous of positions. Monogamy is understanding who you are when things are good and bad.

Yeah, man, my name is Duke Ihanacho. You can find me at Duke right. I don't know how I got the name, but you know that's crazy, very simple on Duke Universities under the back for it right, It's Duke at d u k E. And yeah, it's been a pleasure.

Bro. My name is Omar Bolden.

You can find me on all platforms at Omar dot Bolden and your devo. Bro, thank you for giving us this opportunity to connect to builds and to share the platform. Yes, sir, my name is Jalan Webster. You can find me at just dot jeln j A l O N. I was trying to get at Jalan but I couldn't get it, so it's just dot jelan.

Thanks de Val. Appreciate you. I had to give you real thank you man.

We really appreciate you and the time that we spent and feel like just really kicking it with one of us.

We love your platform, We love what you and your wife are doing.

And keep spreading this positivity and continue to help relationships be cool.

Yes, sir, thank you, No, I appreciate y'all.

Let make sure you on patreonicy exclusive Deadass podcast video content, and find us on social media.

That's dead Ass the podcast.

Kadeen is my wife known as Kadeen, I am and I Am Devout, and if you're listening on Apple podcasts.

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