Dad Can Parent Too

more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennium married. Dead adds is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take pillows off to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now. This is how crazy mothers be. Right,

where are you going with us to? Mothers don't even believe that the mothers that mothered them, their own mothers know how to mother their kids as good as them, even though their mothers raised them. Case in point, Mimi has helped us take care of all four of our kids. We now have Dakota. Right, every time Mimi goes to hand Dakota off the cadem it's a standoff. Mimi comes in with the coota well greased, well powdered babe baby, smelling good, wrapped like a triple deck burrito because he

got mad blankets on and a heat on eighty five. Right, And the minute she walks into the living room, right, it's like, do do, dude? He stands up, She stares her mother in the face, wraps the coda, unwraps the first blanket, throws the bank on the couch. They don't lose eye contact, do do? Then she unwrapped the second blanket, throws it on the floor. Do do do? Dude? Takes the last blanket, throws it over the shoulder, snatches the coda, and then walks away. And I'm just like why I

gotta be like that? Like why is it a battle to see who can a battle to see who can mother the best? Like like why y'all just can't give each other some like accolades flowers while y'all alive and just say, hey, Mom, you're a version of mothering is just as good as mine. No, it is a battle, and I'll just be sitting there like, man, listen, you know what, Let's get into karaoke and we can come

back to the story inside. Because if you can unpack that whole story time, Okay, let's unpack it, we're gonna bring you out to karaoke, right and this karaoke is brought to you by my wife. He like saying, my way, my way. What I say goes, I'm in control. Ha I love karaoke time. That might be one of my new favorites. But anyway, let's go into a break real quick. We're gonna get into some ads and we'll be back period. Let me that's just what it is. This is a

big battle in our house. That's what it is for kids because there's always constantly evolving things. So back to story time, you know, let me unpack the burrito that is Dakota. Okay, and my mom, So you know, my mom claims that she says, anytime I asked her about it, I'm from the old school. This is how we used to do things back in the day, clearly back in the day as and when she was raising me. And

that's been a couple of decades ago. Well right, almost four for scort no for anyway, I would be fabulous as I push that number. But um, you know so clearly she she feels like what she does is the the right way and the only way were right, and I didn't make it here safe and sound. I'm all right, you know, skin is nice and hydrated because I've been greased. You always smell good efficiently over the years. Um. But

it's the thing with Dakota and the blanket. So she'll have the house first of all, like you said on like Jamaica, that's what the thermostat says. And then after she brings me to brings him to me. Clearly the baby starting to sweat profusely and may die of heat stroke because he's wrapped in about four blankets here for blankets. But sometimes i'd be a little off, you never know, um, but he has on four blankets. And then under the four blankets there's the fleece onesie that he's also in

addition to one that's inside socks. Also, I get it. It's cold and flu season. But to go back to your initial point, every mom feels like the way they do things is the right and the only way. And it may have a lot to do with the fact that these babies have been in our bodies for nine plus months, sometimes less, and then there may be in the nickeeue and having to be tended to for you know, months or weeks, and we just feel like we know what's best. There's a thing that happens when you have

a baby in it. The baby goes from your inner boom to the outer world that you feel like, now I can no longer protect this child. We know what happens. No, we know birth happens, but the thing is that we feel like now we can't protect this child dent the way we did before when they were in utero. So that being said, every mom, I'm sure has their process. Some people rely on that maternal instinct to kick in, which I think is definitely a real thing. Um, But

does the paternal instinct kicking for you? Yes? And there are some interesting studies. I'm going to read some of them because Truple found them for me. Listen, he purposely made your triple found something to support his argument today. No, I didn't. I didn't. I didn't say triuble, find something to support this. I just said, I just need some stats about divorce and kids. Sounded like Cairo facts and

stats shout out to my boys, Cairo. A staggering six of couples in the study reported the decline in relationship satisfaction after the arrival of the first baby. The decline typically shows up between six months for women and nine months for men after the baby comes home. The divorce rate for couples with children is as much as lower than those without children, mainly because most people will stay together together. Seventy half of all children in the United

States will witness the ending of a parent's marriage. According to various studies, the three most common causes of divorce are conflict arguing irretrievable breakdown in the relationship, lack of commitment and fidelity, and lack of physical intimacy. The least common reasons are lack of shared interests and incompatibility between partners. This is the reason why I brought those stats up.

We just had dinner with friends of ours. Couple married, just had their second child, and they were speaking to us about the issue shoes they have in their marriage. Of the issues that they have in their marriage are around the children, how they raise and care for their children individually. I have another friend who just had a baby, same exact conversation he's having with me, from husband to husband, right, And like I said, I'm not an expert expert, but

this is what I've deduced. Right. I've asked both men and both wives what seems to be the issue. It all stems back to the wives feeling, like you said, the baby was inside of me. I am the baby's mom. I had to be in control and to cover this baby from everything for ten months. Now the baby's outside of me. I cannot just turn this baby over to you or anybody and say here, I trust you. It's

just difficult. I agree with that, and it's damn near impossible because anything that comes out of my body, I don't trust it with nobody anything like what. I understand that that stance, no, I can understand, and I agree with you, and I'm glad you acknowledge that, because but there's a butt. It takes two people to make a baby,

and fathers have to be allowed two parents. Right. I'll give you another example that I've noticed when I was in Brooklyn mentoring for ten years, of the kids, three out of the four didn't have father figures in their lives. And a lot of the moms that I dealt with well, and I only say dealt with because they were like these were like our family. I don't even family clients, because they were more than clients, you know, these are

this is our community, our village. People over four hundred athletes, three you would say three hundred of them didn't have fathers in their lives. The vast majority of these women were really really strong, great women. But I did notice a pattern with them when it came to their children, very different to when when they were boys and girls. But when it came to their children, they had a fear of relinquishing power to the people that they claimed

they trusted. With their children, they questioned everything, they challenged everything, but then said, I trust you to do this, and at the same time, wasn't allowing these people to do their job and then complaining to these people when they couldn't get the job done and didn't realize how much of a detriment they were to that relationship. I've seen

them do this with coaches. I've seen them to do this with teachers, principles, mentors, And I said to myself, I can't imagine how difficult it had to have been to be this child's father trying to be in this child's life, because remember I told you a bunch of stories of men who were trying to be present and were constantly pushed aside you know what I'm saying, and being told I got is, I don't need you, but then being told why aren't you fathering? Well? I wonder

what it is. Is it a control thing? Is it a thing where the moms are thinking, let me vet these people around my children to see that they are indeed going to be, you know, um, fulfilling something for my children, versus being a detriment to them, Like does

it ultimately just bid onto control? Because I feel like that was some of the issues that some of our friends have expressed, that it was a matter of just wanting to have control over the situation and versus genuinely feeling like the father or the mother depending well, is equipped enough to handle their responsibilities. This is why I really want to talk about this topic, because I think

it's it's a two person responsibility. Right, the moms have to realize that you're going to have to learn to relinquish some control to people that you trust, right. But then dad's are going to have to learn that you can't just walk away because this woman has not relinquished that control to you immediately or in real time or when you want it relinquished. Because I didn't get involved

with people's relationships, that was not my concern. But when I spoke to parents who were co parenting, I didn't notice that pattern. Right. The moms wanted the dads to parent them the way they wanted them to be parented, and the dads were like, if you're not gonna let me parent the way I want a parent, I don't need to be involved. You have it all. And that's when I started. I was like, this needs to be discussed.

At that point, it's like the father wants to just wash his hands and be like, all right, well, if you have it under control, then we Sometimes it was the father's washing their hands, and sometimes it was the mom's creating distance on purpose as a way to keep control.

Because as the kids get older than the kids to say, well, I want to do this with my dad and then I watched sometimes the moms would find a way to create a wedge, so that because and it was a fear thing, It wasn't like just a malicious I'm gonna make this guy suffer and make mind. It was really a feel like I have to do something because I don't believe that he is capable of caring for my son or daughter as good as I can, So let

me create a wedge. And I used to tell the moms like, do you realize that you'll create Like, do you realize like I've I've watched moms at times tell parents, tell dad's the wrong time to come to sessions. M hmm, on purpose, And then when they get there, the dad would be like, yo, you told me this time, and then she would create a riff. And then I would be like this, I'm like, this is a pattern I'm

watching you do you cannot do this? And then and until try to hold him responsible for not being there. So now my question or my thought at this point is is it a control thing or is there just like some sort of deep rooted vindictive nature that this woman has because of maybe her relationship with the father. So does it have anything to do with the children at this point or is it something that you know is stemming from absolutely right, the fear and this is

that's a great question. The fear of turning over your kids to someone like this was created because of the way that man handled them. You know what I'm saying, You mishandled me. So why can I trust you? I

can understand. And this is the whole point. Is like when you sit back and dissect the the the entire scope of the family unit from the outside, not being you know, being extremely objective, because I was trying to be objective as a mentor and as a as a train and because I'm trying to they're not even dealing with each other, and I'm trying to find what's in the best interests of the child. Right. I started to notice a pattern and it was just like, Okay, you

don't trust him. You don't trust him not because of how he parents, you don't trust him because of how he was as boyfriend. So since you don't trust him because of how he was as a boyfriend, you don't trust him as a father, And since you don't trust him as a father, and you notice, and I've noticed this especially with the boys as the boys got older, they got closer to their fathers. The women created a wedge,

and I had a mom for reasons. You know, I can't because these are people who have confided in us, have said to me, I did that on purpose because I trust I know for a fact he's going to break my son's heart and I don't want to watch him do that because because inconsistency or his pattern stuff

in the past. And I'm saying, what do you you do realize that you're breaking your son's heart, right, And they couldn't even get wrapped their mind around the fact that they were doing that because they were saying, like, I'm doing what's in the best injuries of my son. He'll thank me later. And it all goes back to those infant stages of the baby is inside and I'm the best one that can take care of it, so I create a wedge between everyone and my child so

that I'm the sole person. Well, and mom is also too, kind of like that buffer. You know, we just recently learned from someone that we know that they didn't have a relationship with their father for their entire life because their mom was the person that pretty much just kept him away or just pretty much led him to believe that his father wasn't all that just didn't want to

be and that wasn't the truth. But again, she felt like, you'll thank me later because he would probably have been inconsistent in and out the Sun's life, always breaking his heart. So she felt like, you know what to prevent that from happening. But it's crazy because they're now as an adult. There's so much to unpack from that, you know where I tend to kind of I have now realized that I need to just kind of be open to it. And of course this happened earlier for us because of Jackson.

He's getting older with every phase of life that our boys encounter, so we have all these different phases between Jackson and Dakota. I've also realized that I've never been a boy, I've never been a man. I've never been a black man. I don't know what it's like to exist in that space in this world. So I feel like I made the best choice possible in choosing a spouse and choosing a mate, and choosing a partner who

would in turn be the father to my children. That I can say, you know what, wholeheartedly I'm okay with allowing devow to father, but it took some time for me to get there. You know, when Jackson was a baby, and he was younger, and little things that I wanted to just kind of, you know, keep him from falling off the bed. For example. You remember the first time he fell off the bed and I blew a freaking gasket and I was like, how did you allow this

to happen? Now we know, and every baby that falls off the bed's just another thing that happens, and it's just like whatever it happens, um. But I had to slowly learn to say devouts okay with this baby. I had to go back to work, remember, full time after Jackson um and for the first I want to say, a year and a half of his life, with the exception of the four months that I had maternity leave. You were so caretaker of Jackson, and it was me leaving in the morning and making sure there were posts

everywhere and everything was set up and all that. And I had a whole system going, and you pretty to be like to hell, which is them. I did ship the way that I wanted to, and thankfully Jackson made it out to see another day. He's still here with us and thriving and doing well. But um, I had to know that and trust that with you they would

be okay, and that they needed their father. And as they continued to grow and to encounter different things in life in different phases, that Mom may not be able

to speak on certain things because I've never experienced it. Um. So what I struggle with sometimes is towing the line between trying to make sure that I'm involved and that I'm mom who's raising these boys to be self sufficient, to be respectful and all that, but also to not coddling them too much or you know, allowing them to express themselves without feeling like I have to be the one to run to their rescue all the time, you know. And that's what happened with the bed um. Kadeina and

I is a funny quick story. Kadena and I had Jackson. He was about one and a half and he was crawling all around the bed and I told Jackson a number of times, stop crawling by the edge of the bed. Stop crawling by the edge of the bed. Right so I had told me and I said, yo, let him fall off the bed. He'll be fine. Because it was a low bed in the low box spring in my sister Tori's room. She had a real plush carpet. I was like, Yo, he falls off the bed, that's gonna

be the shock. He needs to be more careful. If you constantly try to save him. There's gonna come a time where he's gonna do something that is a little bit more extreme that you can't save him. He may fall down the stairs, he may fall off a cliff, for example. But if he falls off this bed onto the flush carpet and realize that he can lose his balance, it's a life lesson for him. So I let him fall off the bed. She cursed me how she was

all his but that was my method, right. I also learned through you that, um, there's reasons why moms don't trust that. Right, that's not the reason why that was a life lesson, but a half. Hey, you gotta start early. Um. Codeine pointed out certain things to me. Um, she was like, I remember when I was watching Jackson stuff. I just She used to call me all the time like did you feed Jackson? Did you feed Jackson? I used to get piste, like super defensive, like I fed him, Like

I know what I gotta do this my son. I'm not gonna let him not eat, right, But then I realized the reason why she used to call and ask me that was because if she doesn't call and ask me, if I ate, I won't eat. So imagine you being a woman and you know that you you helped take care of this man, but now the one that you have to take care of your trusting this person to take care of your baby, it can give you anxiety. And I never thought about that. I really didn't think

about that. I just knew that the same way you said there's a maternal instinct. There's a paternal instinct, right, I'll feed my kids and not eat. You know what I'm saying, Like, I couldn't trust that at the time that I was like, and I do, and I get that. But there's a lot of couples who don't even get to that point of realization because they don't even do any accountability. So what they do is they start to

just blame their partner. You don't trust me, you don't trust me, you trust my way and trust my way, and then it's the constantly back, constant back and forth till it gets the point where it's just like, yo, I don't want to be arguing a big room with you the more and they decided to split up. Once you split up, there's I've noticed this with a lot of the especially in Brooklyn. Kids and parents have separation anxiety. But also, um, what's the name of the when people

leave them all the time? Oh? Um? When you mean when kids always have somebody leaving that? Yeah, what's what's it called? What do they develop? When kids? When? When kids attachment issues? So they have attachment issues? Right? Imagine you're a woman and you're in a relationship and you've you've been with this guy and every time things go awry, the guy flees. And this has been your relationship for years, you happen to get pregnant, and now every time you

argue about the kid, he flees. What would make this woman trust at that man with their kids? You understand what I'm saying, And then to me, this is where the accountability has to be for both people. Right, You as a man have to understand that it is not okay for you to leave during this early infant stages. And as a woman, you have to be accountable to understand that you trusted this person enough to lay down

with them and and have a baby. You have to relinquish some of that control to allow that person to be a father. And then what happens to those people who didn't necessarily trust this person you laid down with. It just might have been a smash. And then what happens You have a baby, and then you have a baby with somebody you don't even know, And and here that's a whole another layer of things to unpack. And I've had the mentor and train people who've dealt with that.

And you know what I've noticed, I've I met one of the greatest couples. There was a one night stand, they had a baby. They were friends for a long time, but they were never trying to be like that with each other. But they became intimate one night she got pregnant. They made a concerted effort to co parents, give each other space and time, but it was about communication and about the child. It was never a bickering and whatever was in the best interests of the child was done.

And this young man I met them when he was sixteen years old, academically like off the charts, struggled athletically, um he had he had some issues with toughness because he lived with his mom, so they ended up putting him in prototype because his dad wanted him to play football. So since his dad wanted him to play football, she was just like, I'm going to get up some training because he was thin. And his father was like, he'll learned playing football and stuff like that. So the mom

chose to bring him to us. The dad was just like, I don't need nobody else to help raise my son. But the mom was like, listen, I think this is in his best interests. So the father was like, all right, well compromise. If you're gonna let him play football, I'll let him do this. But that was just a perfect example of two people who had different styles, different ideas,

but they spoke on it. And just like we told our friends, the way you get through these situations is by constantly having conversations about what you need and what you want out of this relationship with this child. You know what I'm saying, So me as a father saying, babe, I need you to not call me every hour when you're at work when I have my son, I need

you to not do that because I got this. Yes, you know what I'm saying, and and for you to say, well, I need you to assure me that my child ate it. Let me see the empty as bowl, let me see the empty as bottle, because stranger things have happened with you. Yes, I'm not gonna live. I've gone a whole day and the night been like yo, I didn't eat well. I

unders I understood, you know what I'm saying. But um, I think people have to constantly have conversations and understand that having a conversation is in always an argument doesn't have to be a battle, And having those constant conversations doesn't mean that your marriage is in the rut right, It just provides so much clarity. And then the context I think comes from thinking about how each person was raised.

Think about how much your background and your childhood and your parents parenting styles and the environment that you grew up in that all impacts how you parents. So imagine having two people with completely different ways they were raised, completely different backgrounds, completely different parenting styles, adversity that they've had to encounter, and how that then impacts how they raise their children. Then you're like voting on so many other you know things. So I'm glad you brought up

someone interrupt quick ask you this question answer. Can you give women or moms three things that they can do to help easy anxiety or relinquish the control and say, I'm gonna let my partner take care of these three things that you've done or noticed. And it doesn't have to be your husband or your your baby far just to be other. This is someone that I have to trust in this moment because some women don't have someone right, some women only have a nanny, or only have a sister,

only have an aunt. What's three things you can tell these women they can do to relinquish that control and trust? People got you? Well, I think the first thing is something that you said, which we've been saying. Only have your children stay with or in the presence of people

who you wholeheartedly trust. Like there's just certain people that, Hey, this might be my friend, that's my my home girl, we go to the club, we hang out, we shot, but she would not be equipped to watch my children, like meet people where they are and know what they're capable of, you know. So that's the case. Know who it is that you're leaving your children with. So that's number one, UM Number two, if there are things that you're very specific about when it comes to your children.

For example, my child can only eat at this certain amount of time, for this a certain amount um, this time of day. Be specific with your rollout, so you may feel like you're being erotic like I used to do the post it, so you may feel keep being crazy.

But if there's a step by step process for people to follow when you leave your children with them, I think that a eliminates any doubt for the person who's now the caretaker, and then it gives you the reassurance that you've left everything step by step, like a blueprint exactly for someone to follow. Um. And then a number

two and then number three. Can you give one specifically for women who like struggling with their their spouse, like, because that's what we're getting a lot of these arguments of people who we had a baby together, now she changed, she had different. Give something and I want to speak to the women, but I want the men to hear it and say this is what we can work on. Right.

The third one I would say is that you need to not not downplay or bash the father and his style of doing things, but rather try to have a conversation to understand his mindset of why he did something with the child together. For example, maybe the at you're playing rough house with the boys, right, and you're teaching them how to to fight each other, which is what you do in the house with the boys. You have

Kiro and Cats finding each other, Jackson and Cairo. You have Jackson sometimes purposely pick on Cats or Cairo just because you want to get that toughness built up in them, right, because you're sending your kids out into the world and

who knows what's going to happen with them. So having the conversation to say, all right, I need to understand your mindset behind why you do this, that has helped me a lot because that made me think, Okay, Devil has been a boy, he's been a school aged boy, He's had to deal with bullying, He's had to deal with all these different things that I may not have

had to deal with. So he can foresee a potential of something happening down the line or in the future with my sons that I may not be able to talk them through guide them through because I just have not walked that walk. So I think women should be having the conversations with their husband or with their spouse for their child's father to say, hey, I'm seeing that you've been doing it this way. I don't necessarily agree

with it. I don't necessarily think it's right, but I want to really understand why you're doing this or how you arrive at this method of doing it, because it just doesn't make sense to me. And sometimes if clarity happens, then you have a little bit more or you'll be more willing to relinquish that control a bit if she's willing to be understanding, because a lot of times people to ask questions only with the intent to argue, or of course to argue. I don't want to compromise either.

You have to be open to compromising and you have to be you know, and also too, if that's the case, sold to your children on the side, put them to the sign and be like yo, when you use with your father. I just want to make sure that everything went well, you know. Um, But no, I think it's just the conversations, just like how regular couples have conversations about finances, about plans and gold. That's definitely something that

needs to be spoken on, for sure. I got three for the gentleman, because the dudes be like pulling their hair out. Like the first thing, I would say that the most important thing when you and your wife is pregnant and you're about to have a kid, take some time to do a deep dive into her family history. If you can understand who she is, how her family was raised, how she was you know how she was raised, and you can understand where some of the anxiety maybe

coming from. Now she has her heart beat outside walking around. If you can understand her family history, you can sit back and saying I know why that triggers you, or I know why you choose to do this with our children. That's number one. Number two. Understand that the first year after a woman gives birth, it takes her all of

that time to get back physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So everything you're going through in this first year, and it said here on the breakdown that most people get divorced between six and nine months after having a baby. That's still within the year. The woman that you're next to right now that just had that baby is not the woman that you proposed to or laid down with or got married to. So understand it's gonna take her time

to get back. So when you're saying she's changed, absolutely she's changed because she had to uh, grow a baby, nurture the baby, give birth to the baby, now nurture the baby outside of her body with her body like they when a woman has a baby, she's then reborn.

So to reintroduce yourself to an extent, So if you if you have that understanding of that as a man, you will give your your wife or your girlfriend a little bit more grace when it comes to dealing with these issues as opposed to being like she's being neurotic and ridiculous, like if you understand that. So that's one is understanding her family history too, is understanding where she

is physically and understand that where she is. And the last one is this bro yes her to death and when she leaves, do what you want to do anyway, because that's what I do. Like now, I know I'm never leaving this house with the no. But but here's the truth. Though, people argue right because they just want to be right in the moment. Right, So you're telling me all of these things to do with the posts, and most people are you don't want to do this I don't know this. Are you know what I did?

I used to look at the focus posts. You said two and a half hours, right, we got four ounces? Right, I'm just with the milk bourbon. Two minutes okay, um, two changes in the onesie, I gotta do, Okay, I make sure I get a lot done. The minute you left, I was like, rip, rip ribbedy rip, throw that out. He was in the same ones thee all day. The ones he was open, it was just flapping. I was walking around, fed him what I wanted to feed him. If he wasn't crying, he was not getting no extra bottle,

and he was fine. And when you came home and he was like, did you do everything I told you? I was like yeah, because it wasn't even worth it to debate about what you told me. Let me tell y'all have to survive. I'm about to choke myself. Let me tell you how far we've come. Okay, let me tell you how far we come. I got a quick story. So I'm taking Chiros to a birthday party last weekend for one of his friends. Beautiful sixty five degree day in Atlanta in February, you know, and I'm like, all right,

I can rock with this. Coming from New York, I'm like this, this is it all right? Slid However, he's going to a snow tubing party. So these people brought some snow in, you know, and built these two little slides with ice and snow for the kids to slide on. So the mom messaged me and say, hey, I'm so happy that Kyra can come to the party. Just make sure that you're dressing him appropriately because we're going to be doing snow tubing. So I'm like, cool, I'm thinking

snow tubing is wet, it's cold, it's ice. Let me make sure that he's dressed appropriately. So I put on some long johns on him, right, put some sweatpants on, and then he has on his socks, his hoodie whatever. So as been rushing out the door because the VAL's gonna drop us over to the party. I'm my devot, where's Cairo's you know, bubble coat? And he's just like, it's sixty five degrees. I'm like, I know it's sixty five degrees. However, a you know how kids could randomly

there and we're like, I'm cold, I'm not whatever. I bring the coat because I feel like, I want to be prepared in the event that I need the coat, right, I too put on my coat because I'm always cold. So Devo doesn't say anything. I get in the car, we go to the party. I'm at the party with Cairo. He's sliding on the slide leaving. I was just like, why are we Why are you taking a bubble cot? Well, yeah, because I asked you where it was and you were just like, why do you need the sixty five degrees?

And then I was just like, I just want to bring it just in case. So then we get to the party. Cairo is going on the slide. He goes down twice. There's like mud at the bottom, so he's already instantly dirty. Cairo's piste now, because we know how Cairo stays about his clothes, y'all, He's very particular about his clothes. Remember that point when I get here to we but this story to continue, continue, So Cairo is upset about the snow and the mud and all that.

At this point, he didn't have his bubble coat, and I just had it in my hands because I wanted to make sure, you know, just in case. So at the party, can I finish So I'm there, I'm talking. You know, we're under the shade of the backyard of the people's house and whatnot. So eventually I even start to get warm, so I take my coat off, right, So Kyro and I both have our coats and they're

off to the side. So we're going back to the car now when Devlo picks us up, and Devot could not wait to ask me if we use the bubble coat or not. We did not use the bubble coat. But you know what a mother does. A mother foresees all of the scenarios that could potentially happen. And if I if I do that, what would have happened is Kyra would have been like, mom, I want my coat, or mom My, my sweatshirt is dirty. I want to

take it off. And then I would have been ill equipped and had to call you to come back and bring me change your clothes. So I'd rather be prepared and have the coat in the event that he got chilly and he got dirty. And then this is the longest story ever. This story is longer than storytime story. I just want to put that out there because you're trying to get all your details. This is the problem y'all.

This is the problem. People just be listening with the intent to respond and not even let me get my story out finished as a mom, to make sure that, okay, all of the scenarios that could potentially happen, I'd rather have it, you know, the mom that has said all of the scenarios, you didn't prepare for the greatest scenario. And I'm shocked that you didn't prepare for this. But you know why, I'm not shocked because you were never

Because you were never a boy. Okay, I was a boy, right, And I remember going to parties and my mom getting me dressed and having on khakis and a bow tie and niggas just running around and my ship my first thing. My mother said, don't you get them closed dirty. It's a party, right, But that was no. But but this is where you didn't foresee things, right, Jackson. I mean, Kiro loves that Michael Jordan's hoodie. He loves it, don't he.

I would have told him, don't wear that hoodie to go slide down and thing into a barrel of hay with dirt on it. You're going to get the hoodie dirt. You know why you didn't know it's gonna be dirt because you're not a boy and you never slid down things right boys. So and I would have had I known about the party, but I didn't know about the party. In any events, moms foresee things differently, And this is why it's important for parents to understand that there's no

one way to do everything right right. If we were a team in that moment, as opposed to someone saying I got this because I'm a mom, I wouldn't have got a text message saying that Chiro's crying because his hoodie's dirty, because Daddy would have told you, don't wear them fresh Jays because they're gonna get dirty. Don't wear that hoodie because it's gonna get dirty. But did Mom think about that? No? You want to know why, because Mom is not a sneaker head. He didn't wear his

fresh Days sidebar. He wore his old Let you tell your story. Didn't but but you got to I let you tell you. He did not wear his cool grays because I was nervous about that. So, no, he didn't wear his cool grays that he loves. Did she go controlling the conversation? We just talked about control. We just learned talking about control. The point ain't The point of my rebuttal is that a mom can't see everything because moms don't know everything. Y'all just claim y'all know everything.

Y'all don't, especially when it comes to raising boys because you've never been a boy. So but but there's a lot of moms out there who will not be honest about that and still claim they know everything and still push fathers aside while trying to raise young boys, not realizing that the greatest person to help them maybe their father.

You know what I'm saying, And that's the whole point of the conversation is listen, understand that your spouse has a perspective, respect their perspective, and let's not argue about who did things the right way, which because here's the thing. Becaudina and I didn't argue to get in the car and go to the party. We didn't argue when we got back from the party because we both matured enough to say, hey, she's gonna do what she want to do.

She took him to the party, I'm gonna let her walk there with the big gas bubble coats and fumbling bubble and carried around because I don't got to do it. Part of the reason why I'll be getting upset when you be carrying a whole bunch of stuff for options. It's I'm the mothercker. I gotta carry that stuff. So we'll be walking through the airport and we got four kids,

and every kid got to have an option. I'm the one that got to carry the option while she walks around with her purse and her shades on, and I'm back there fumbling with mad guys, and then she's asking me why I'm frustrated because I'm I'm the one that has to carry your options. But I don't only carry

options for the kids. I'll be heavy your back to you and not be having stuff for you because at a random moment in time, if I was just like, oh I need to tiss you, Oh damn, I could do to snack uh And usually nine times out of tank, y'all, I got that ship in my backpack, backpack, back back backpack, Like Dora, We're gonna take a break and go pay some of these ads because this is one of those moments. I said this in season I think it was season two.

When your wife thinks you know everything and you're tired of argument to be like, okay, baby, this we're having discussion. We're having a discussion, y'all. This is not an argument. But we're gonna take a break, come back with some listening letters. We get into y'all business. Y'all be in our business, all right, y'all. So now we're back for listener letters, which I think is easily becoming devours favorite part of the show. Shoot, we want to gain people.

Agree on that, all right, We agree on that right now. First one, hey de Valcote, and congrats on Dakoda. Thank you, my sweet baby. He's the sweetest baby, y'all. Oh man. Anyway, Um, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year now, and we keep coming back to this recurring conversation fathering with a real father figure. Let me explain, my boyfriend feels as if because he didn't have a real father figure, he doesn't know how to be a father to his son's.

Now I speak life into it and suggest that he learns the things that he wasn't taught and then teach his boys those things. I know in my personal experience, I've taken the things my daughter, my mother taught me, and I appreciate and taught my daughter and omitted the things that I did, like in order to parent my daughter. I feel that his fear of failing as a father is crippling him whenever his schedule allows. We have his boys.

He's a great father, considering he feels like he isn't He doesn't have it all, but his children adore him because he gives them encouragement, a safe space to be themselves and speak freely. Is there anything else I can do on my part to help him? Okay, so he has these boys outside of her, got you? Well? The first thing is, um, it's not your responsibility to make him feel secure about being a father, like you just

can't do that. We we've learned this with Delna. We spoke about this like there are two things, and specifically that you can't controllers that someone else's happiness and someone else's security. Most of the time, their their lack of happiness or feeling of insecurity comes from their personal experiences, and part of his insecurity comes from him not dealing with his father issues. And men can have daddy issues too, and a lot of times, especially like I said before,

mentoring these young men who didn't have fathers. They come from fathers whose fathers were not there, and a lot of times, like you know, like this young man says, they feel like they don't know how to father, which is not always the case. You have to be willing to say to yourself, I know I'm gonna make some mistakes along the way, but I'm gonna figure out and we're gonna figure it out together. That's something I say that Jackson, Cairo, and Kaz soon to be the coda.

All the time, Daddy makes mistakes. And I grew up with my father, my uncle's and my grandparents, so I've always had positive male figures in my life. But I still make mistakes. And every time we go through stuff and we're talking about things like the boys are at the point out the end out walk in the room, they like add attention because they think they're in trouble, you know, because because of my work schedule for a

couple of months, I wasn't home. So then when I did come home, I was always checking them on stuff that I saw wrong. So every time I walk in the room, they felt like I was doing like like they did something wrong. First of all, that was mistake number one, right, So then after a while, I was like, I get I feel kind of bad every time I walk somewhere that they feel like they're in trouble. So I started just calling them and be like, Jackson, Cairo

like what I'm like, come here. So when they come and I hugged him and be like that, I tell you I love you today. Just so that my presence doesn't put fear in their heart, you know what I'm saying. But I also tell them like, hey, listen, you've never been tent before, Jackson, this is your first time being tent. You're gonna make mistakes. I've never had a ten year old. I'm gonna make mistakes. Can we make mistakes together and hug each other and figure it out? And he's like, yeah,

we can. Like yeah, So I think for for you, young lady, continue to encourage him. Um, but he is going to have to do the work on his own outside of you. He's gonna have to I don't know how he's going to deal with his father issues if his therapy speaks to his mom about what happened, but he's going to have to find a way to reconcile with not having a father. If he's gonna want to

work on those insecurities. I think half the battle for him, which I admire, is the fact that he even acknowledges that he realizes that there may be a deficit for him as a father because he hasn't had his dad UM. And then you talked about earlier paternal instinct kicking in, the same maternal instinct kicks in. So if he, I think, relies on that, and if they do have a healthy co parenting relationship, I think it would be great. And I think that he'll be okay once he, like you said,

maybe gets the therapy or deals with that. But I love that he is even speaking about that, and he's interested in finding ways to be a better father UM, and that can be personal to him. So, for example, you're not doing some of the things that you've experience with your dad. You said, for example with Jackson, you did something with Jackson, or you spoke to him about something recently and you said, you know, Jackson, I have to apologize to you because I did not go about

this the right way. You're apologized until your ten year old. That's something that you said your dad never did. He never apologize or admitted fault sometimes. So that's something that you've taken from your experience with your dad and you have now said, you know what, I'm going to do it differently him not having his dad there. They don't

to this day, don't apologize. They just like, right, yeah, you're my child, and you know how that affected you growing up and how you felt kind of discredited along the way. So now you're taking that portion of your parents, you know, way with you, and you're altering that with him not having his father around, he can now create

that life that he wants for himself and his boys. Um. So yeah, just stick by his side, like you, vinces um, continue to speak life into him and maybe let him know, like you know, just because you didn't have your dad around doesn't mean that you can't now create your own path just based off of what you see fit for your son's cool. It's a good one. Number two. Hello, Thank you both for always keeping in and for always discussing hard subjects that no one else wants to talk of.

W We appreciate you listening. Thank you so much. I am writing to you both for advice because I don't know what I should do in a relationship I'm currently in I'll try to keep this email short. I'm a twenty eight year old woman while my boyfriend is thirty. Essentially, we work extremely well together except for his insecurities and jealousy. We have two different views on how when to keep people in our lives. He is not friends with any

of his exits, along with anyone he has ever slept with. I, on the other hand, am He knew this coming into the relationship. He does not try to stop me from hanging out with any of these friends. However, his emotions become so high at the slightest mention of it, he starts playing a bunch of scenarios in his head and tricks himself into thinking I'm playing him. He shuts down and almost immediately needs space for me. He tells me I'm not doing anything wrong, but it always feels like

I am because of how high his emotions get. I have cheated before and another relationship, while he never has. However, when we initially met over ten years ago, we were in uh F W B relationship. I'm not sure oh friends would benefit relationship while I was in an open relationship. I d stand his perspective on things, and I'm not upset with him for having them. I just don't know what to do because every time I suggest an alternative, he immediately shuts it down. What advice can you guys

give me? Yeah, I mean insecurities is something that you can't control. Jealousy you can't control. He knew what it was apparently when he got with you, because you've explained that you guys both kept it a hundred in in

the beginning. So that sounds like a him problem, not a you problem, sis um, But to the point where it's always an argument, where it's always jealousy, it's always these scenarios that he's playing, and said, him not being secure with himself is not something that you can teach him. And if that's going to be a detriment to you and the relationship with him, then maybe you need to reassess this. This is something you even want to be

a part of. I think that's a UM. That's a really good suggestion that a lot of people don't want to hear. Right, it's like, fix my relationship. Sometimes the relationship can't be fixed, right, especially if one person doesn't want to fix themselves or feel strongly about something which he says. It seems like he does. It seems as if he has insecurities. Either he was cheated on or he watched someone be cheated on and it affected him

and it triggers him. So now he's trying his hardest to be understanding and to be you know, accepting of her lifestyle of having a friend that she had sex with.

But it's difficult. He has to be honest with her and say this is difficult for me, and she has to be honest with him and say, well, I don't I'm not willing to change, And he has to be honest with himself because how many times have we or not we per se But I know I have sometimes agreed to or signed up to things that I thought I would be okay with and then I mean the thicker things and I'm like, I second, though, I don't think I like this, So question what made you say it?

What made you agree to something? Because it's like sometimes you'll talk yourself into it. You be like, you know what, Alwa's not going to be that bad, or oh, this probably is a worst case scenario, or this may happen, but it probably really won't happen. So then you just talk yourself into thinking all right, Well, if it did happen, I'd be okay, not really thinking it's going to happen.

But when it does happen, you're like, damn, now that it's actually here, I don't think what's called I wonder, I wonder what what's that called. I'm, for example, I'm not I'm thinking about all of the things. You think you're him thinking about all the scenarios. Yeah, but because I'm him thinking about all of the scenarios, I would say I'm not comfortable. I'm not going to talk about all the scenarios and then say I'm comfortable with it

and hope that that scenario don't happen. Like that's a recipe for disaster, because I've learned that the hard way. Once you give someone the license to do something, right saying that, okay, five things can happen if I give them this license. Of the five things too, I don't like there's a chance that two of those things might might happen. You can't say once two of those things happen, well,

I didn't like this. That's unfair, that's not that's not honest, that's not transparent with the person that you're being You're dating, you know, so you cannot do that, and and for me, that's how I've always lived my life. I might listen, so you're thinking of all scenarios, I think of all ten scenarios, and I'm gonna say, Okay, of all tense scenarios,

four of these I don't like. So I don't feel comfortable with you moving forward in that direction because ten things can happen, and then you, at that point can say, all right, I appreciate your thoughts, but I'm still going to move forward doing it. And then I have to make a decision and say if I want to stick around for that, or you can say I don't like yeah, you know what I'm saying. Or you can say I don't have a good feeling about you telling me what

you like and don't like. So I don't want to be in this situation. You know what I'm saying. And the truth of the matter is it's okay to walk away from people. It's okay that some people are seasonal. Some people are here just to teach you a lesson. It's not a failure, it's your After talking for hours and hours on days on days for months, we've realized we're not compared to boo. Let's ship this square peg

into a circle hole happen, and that's okay too. So I think you know, if you'll keep having conversations and realize that you're not compatible, it's okay to move on. That's a fact. Save everybody some time, right, because that's something that we're always at a deficit for. If you want to be featured as a listener letter, be sure to email us at dead Advice at gmail dot com. And oh my bad, got your part, bro, what happened? Because I think the truth? That's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at

gmail dot com. Alright, moment of truth time, coming off of conversation about parenting and whose way is the right way? There's my moment of truth. Baby. It's very simple when two people have a baby, coming from two different backgrounds, to different families, to different lifestyles, right, two different genders. Right, It's gonna be some things that you don't agree on. It's gonna take some months for y'all to figure it out. It may take y'all some years to figure it out.

That don't mean that your relationship is a waste. Embrace the challenge of wanting to be with someone and raise a life together and go into it excited about learning more about your spouse or your significant other and and being in it together to raise this child. Don't run from what people call the hard time. All these relationships are hard. It's not hard having constant conversations, it's not hard.

It's very beautiful. You know, you and I have created a whole brand off of having these conversations, like we have a whole podcast. You know, we're working on a bunch of different things. And I feel like people need to understand that these conversations are not taboo, and they're not destructive to your relationship point or ending line. There is there a finish line or ending point. There is

no finish line or ending point for these conversations. Because then they ask us this at dinner, when does it stop? It doesn't. And that's about moting the truth. The conversations never stop, you all, they never stop. They always need to be have because, particularly when it comes to children, there's always a different phase. There's always something new. They're continuing to grow for the next eighteen years and sometimes

past eighteen years of life. And then you also have to take into consideration at some point once the children become of age, the child's feeling and how they can see you guys interacting, you know, and how that can affect them as well too. So the conversations never stop. The conversations are healthy. The conversations, we hope bring more clarity. And I think you should also to keep in mind that you love this person and you decided to sit down with this person or lay down with this person.

In most scenarios, um, particularly you know husbands and lives or people who are together, that there has to be something that you love about the person that you're with, how they were raised, how they were brought up. Um, you may have a relationship with their family. So knowing the particular background that you um your spouse or your

partner has to may also player roll in it. The funny thing is sometimes that may cause you to go in a different direction because you like, damn, I don't like the way my mother in law father in law did that. But at least there's an awareness in the conversation. Yes, you'll be like, oh no, what they did with my spouse is the brother or sister, But whatever it is, I'm not signing up to it. Yes, all right, y'all. Be sure to follow us on social media if you're

not already, So the dead as podcast page. I love it because people are starting to engage there and we're trying to post more and stuff there, and the team we would love that, so continue to put stuff on the dead Ass the podcast page. And then of course

Cadine I am and I am devouting. If you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe dead as Dead as dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the Norapinia and follow the podcast on social media at dead as the Podcast and never miss a Thing m