On. God mm, there's nothing you could ever do to stop me. If I see somebody hurt you or disrespect you, I'm crashing out.
Oh my goodness, you, me, the kids. I believe all that. Yeah, yeah, I think all decorum goes out the window when that happens.
For sure, dead Ass it all started with real talk, unfiltered, honest and straight from the heart. Since then, we've gone on to become Webby award winning podcasters in New York Times bestselling authors.
Dead Ass was more than a podcast for us. It was about our growth, a place where we could be vulnerable, be raw.
Of course, but most apportly be us.
But as we know, life keeps evolving and so do we, and through it all, one thing has never changed.
This is.
Because we got a lot to talk about.
Story time, all right, don't.
Want to crash out moments.
I actually got many overtimes I have to One doesn't concern me, okay, and the other doesn't really concern me. But I gotta give both of them just so people can understand. The first one happened to friends of ours right when they were married. They're no longer married. He was a professional athlete and he was probably the biggest professional athlete that you can play in any sports. Six five three hundred pounds one of four to seven can bench press four h five five times, just a behemoth
of a man. He and his wife are at the Beyonce concert and at the end of the Beyonce concert they're leaving early so that they can beat the traffic. And while they're leaving, she feels someone grab her ass. She doesn't say nothing. She looks back and there are two guys. They're looking at her like like a smirk, kind of drunk, kind of drunk, but like like a smirk almost, and she chose to turn around and walk away. They got back to their car halfway home, she says,
I tell you something. When we were leaving, two guys grab my ass. His first response was, why didn't you tell me? Right? And her response was that's right there, right. So that's one story which I'm applauding her because she saved.
Could have been a crash three lives that day.
Those two men that they were there were puny once of men that he probably would have just beat one with the other right, and then he probably would have been in jail.
Right.
So those are three people's lives that she saved plus her kids.
Absolutely.
The second story just happened to you. Chall wasn't there You were in New York.
New York doing press Watch Now, Watch Now. Yes, No, I was in New York with my castmate LaToya Lucket shout out LaToya and Portia. So we were exiting the hotel taking a couple of photos before we head to the Sherry Shepherd show. LaToya and I literally side by side taking double shots together. Josh is behind the camera, Jose is doing the highlight video. Latoya's photographer is there on the I would say the middle of the street,
towards the sidewalk, kind of out of nowhere. As I'm posing with LaToya taking the photos, I feel someone grabbed my ass. So for me, it's very customary to have my ass grab because y'all know who my husband is. So my first my first thought was, no, Devao did not come to surprise me in New York because I know he was filming, so I'm like, knowing you, it wouldn't have been uncustomary for you to say, hey, guys, can I get the day or two off to come and meet Kate in the city. So that was my
first thing. So I turned around hoping to see Deval. There was no Devo. There was this white dude walking away from me. And when we made eye contact, I said, did you grab my ass? And he smirked at me. Again they do this smirk because he knew exactly what he was doing. And then he turned to walk away. Then Latoya's husband comes to my defense, shout out to t Leo comes to my defense, and in that moment, I was just like, oh my gosh.
If Deval was here, I would have crashed out.
In this moment. It would have been ultimate crash outs and that man would not have seen the light of day.
I would have on top, mainly because I know the embarrassment when you explained to me that you felt and to feel violated like that, I would have wanted to violate him the same way in front.
Of all of those people, absolutely.
So he could feel the same exact feeling you feel. And I would have wanted you to see me violate him that way, so you could at least have some redemption. That would have been.
Yeah, the whole Now, I completely understand that. I mean, in that moment, I did feel, you know, feel protected by you know, t leo Ja bowling. Shout out to Jay, that's Latoya's stylist. And they all were, you know, rallying behind me and made sure I was okay and we left and always well after that. But yeah, in that moment, I always say, de Val, the God keeps the valve
from situations where he would crash out. There's been several times and it wasn't just us, it would be family and if something would be happening, and Deval was just like yo, if I was there, and I said, that's the whole point. You weren't supposed to be there because your reaction would not have been good and it could have ended badly.
I would have to say this too. Shout out to Latoy's husband once again, because y'all have only known each other at this point, about four or five weeks.
I mean, yeah, we have just had a couple of interactions here and there.
He saw you respond that way and jumped right into action and him and the God got into a physical altercation. Shout out to him because he put hisself in danger for my wife, which he didn't have to do. So I owe you dinner and a movie, bro. Trust me. When I finally see you, Because here's the truth. Take on a date. I'll take him out on a date. Bro, nigga protecting my wife? Yo, I take him out on the date. It's on me.
At a double date. Bro, look at a double date.
From man to man. I know what it means to step up and defend someone else's wife and you're not there, you know what I'm saying. Like a lot of.
Days, he said, yea, I know. If it was the other way around, it would have been no question. My husband. You know your husband would have protected.
No question. And the thing is you, you don't know what that guy has. He put his life on all he went to approach to dude, you know what I'm saying. So I respect him for that, But that also goes to show you, like husbands have a responsibility, and it almost like they take the responsibility for everybody, every woman that's around, even when it's not you know what I'm saying,
and it's not just me. And I'm glad that it happened that way so that you could see and other people could see, Like that's just what a guy who wants to be a provider and protected he's going to do it. It doesn't have to be his own wife or child. Sure, they're going to do that. And it's the same way like mothers and women who nurture. It doesn't have to always being their child the husband.
Anybody in my possession is my baby, you know what I'm saying. And they're going to be protected.
That's what you call a village.
Absolutely all right, y'all, we're.
Gonna take a quick break, come back, pay some bills, right we do.
You're over there getting heated now. You don't even know where you are in the show.
He didn't playing because I'm like, it ain't too late to crash out.
You know what.
I'm somebody got this man.
On the footage, then the block I will go back to. I know you would go back to wait for He was like he wreaked at alcohol as if he did. This was at like nine in the morning, eight in the morning, so he clearly was coming from somewhere still inebriated.
You know what it is New York. It's probably standing up late people.
Yeah, and it's right in Times Square area.
So and people have heard my stories on this podcast about my petty and being petty to people for months after Remember when the guy locked you into the driveway, and I went back with Achilles and kept throwing poop on his front door for like a.
Monent, Like what, No, that's another story.
I'll tell y'all my crash out story after a.
Couple stick around, y'all, it's good.
Got a perfect song for y'all. Anybody who follows up karaoke time, karaoke time you ready love ain't perfect, but it is worth it.
Oh shoot, even want to see you understand perfect, but it's worth it.
It may not be what you see on I G. But it's dance show.
Is that the world? Uh huh?
Yeah that is the word baby, but it's still perfect. That's my karaoke for exact the ultimate. He don't think about nothing, man, except it's get back.
That's scene with you beating poor Jeremiah.
Yeah, that seemed hard to me for a little bit, because you know how much I care about my brother and family.
I know, I know. I felt bad for what's his name in real life?
A mir We hugged after a long time after nobody wanted to really think about Yeah, like, it's the visual of this person here is my brother, and now visually I have to sit down and wail on him and his blood coming out of his mouth and his head. And also it was a good representation of the remorse you feel after because you've seen Zach after he did that, get in the hospital with in the hospital with him and he's crying over his brother, like, bro, like we
can't keep doing this to me. It was just a good example of showing like crash outs, don't want to crash out, bro.
I'm so invested in you, in in Jeremiah well Zach and Jeremiah's story because you guys, as brothers, you do it really well. Y'all's chemistry is top ten, my gosh, shout out a rock. All right, now, let's go pay some bills this time and we will be back with OP or No app And listen, guys, I'm so excited to show you guys what we have added to OP or No Opp.
Let's get prop prop op op it don't stop to the top. If it hops, lollipop, go ahead, just go to break.
All right, y'all Op or no Op Today on the cards, it says things that make me want to crash out. Trouble what you got?
Oh?
First off, let's introduce to them the new props we have for OP or no OP. Everyone go ahead and hold y'all pull y'all's.
Up, three two, one back, all right.
I love it.
And I point out I've seen a comment somebody said, man, I noticed the violent Kadean. Don't have no opinions on the big celebrities. That's the fucking point.
That's the point.
The point is that their lives do nothing to help or hinder ours. So we don't have opinions on ship that don't got nothing to do with us.
Why do we have to have an opinion on what they do?
I don't.
Y'all just want us to be messy and just be talking about ship that don't affect us period. Now. We'll talk about current events and real world stuff, things that may impact our children and our lives and our day to day, but we're not talking about people in the business, y'all.
Fact, we just not. So if that's what you're looking for for OP and no OP, we're not giving it to you. And we're going to keep doing that example of us them asking us the questions of what's hot, and we're gonna continuously say we don't have an opinion on that.
And y'all will catch on and realize you don't have to have an opinion about celebrities exactly.
I always tell people that people love this podcast and love y'allays a couple because you have an aspirational life. People aspire to be more like you. So hopefully y'all aspire to be less messy, you know.
Get some business.
Come on, all right, op or no?
Op.
I'm not really into sports, but I'll follow the w n B a because I'm gay. And if you're a woman who played basketball, you are gay.
So sorry that majority women in something every day they have nothing. Lesbians can't have nothing.
You thought you had basketball, thought you thought playing basketball?
Love it? I was gonna say something has nothing to do with it. Never mind. So during a May seventeenth game between the Indiana Fever and the Chicago Sky fans on social media were enraged in discussion about racist remarks made towards Sky player Angel Reese, star player. She just became the first w NBA player to reach five hundred points and five hundred rebounds, so shout out to Angel
Reese for that. But people said that during a free throw shot that Angel Reese was making that they heard jungle sounds being played by the Indiana Fevers DJ and that fans were making monkey noises, and this conversation took place all on social media during postgame interviews. Neither Angel, because you know Kaitlin Reees places for Indiana. Neither Angel nor Caitlin Reas had anything to say about the altercation. They played it down as it's just basketball talk. You know,
that's what we do on the court. But fans were enraged. Was sparked the WNBA to say that they were going to investigate the claims, and then recently they came back and saying that the have been unsubstantiated. They played back to the video, they listened to the audio. They said they didn't hear anything.
So I want to know orono, I think this is a tale of two sides making villains of the other sides when the two players aren't looking to be villains with each other. You understand what I'm saying. So it's like the fans of Caitlyn Clark, and I don't even want to say the fans because she has said a bunch of times like if you're a fan of mine and you're using racist words, then you're not a fan.
Same thing with Angel Reas she has been trying to keep it about basketball, and of course she has her podcast that she gives her opinion, but they are fans of hers who also just want to look for reasons to not like Caitlyn Clark. On both sides. Now, if we're going to be honest, we know which fans are a lot more vitreal have a lot more vitrial off of who like I'm not gonna sit up paying line.
The minute Angel Reese started to get a little bit of success and won the National championship over Caitlyn Clark, there was just all out hate towards Angel Reaes and it's carried over to the WNBA and that's what we're seeing now. My thing is, I want to applaud both of those young ladies for being professionals. Let your fans do what they do. They the fans are going to be messy and nasty and discussion with them to say, I'm here to play basketball. So I rock with both of them on that.
It's funny that you mentioned that, I guess. I guess I do have an op not particularly about basketball, but about pinning women against each other because, like Daval said, they were professionals. They maintain their composure and they know that it's part of the game.
Right.
The same can be said for me and Crystal.
Oh, it's funny because we just brought up the es.
Everybody wants me and Crystal to hate so bad, so bad, when in real life we are such cool friends. People facetimed hang out like, I don't understand why it has to be a thing, And it's typically the fans of either, you know, because I'm sure Crystal has her contingent of fans. I have mine, and there's some overlaps, but it's like, why does it have to be a thing. But what I'm not gonna do is shucking jive for y'all on the internet to prove my friendship with my friend.
I feel you know what I'm saying. I feel you.
So we're always going to be professional in public because we have to be, and we're both actors and we're both in the industry. But it's like, we don't have to do the back and forth for y'all to make y'all feel better, you know what I'm saying. So that's my little op, I guess piggyback off of women being pit against each other a.
Good perspective because I've never been a woman in that situation to be pit against an other women's.
Yeah, it's just crazy. It's like, you want me to do a post or do a story to make y'all feel like y'all know what the relationship is when we know what it is in a real life circumstance, Like, it's ridiculous.
I think it was two years ago. Yeah, Crystal turned forty and that was the same year that your uncle passed away within the week. So you in October, yes, you off social media. Yeah, so when everybody was making posts for Crystal for a birthday yeah, kay, actually was that Crystal's house for a personal dinner. Yeah, and they saw each other. So that following week all you saw was you see, she didn't post Crystal on social media, she don't really fuck with Crystal, and that she was
with Crystal on the day of her birthday. So I see what you mean. But also, you don't got to prove the social media who you are. You don't.
You don't like I'm gonna make y'all feel better by doing a post. No, Like, it's ridiculous. So I think the same can be said for like, you know, I think Angelae, Caitlyn. Yeah, they're just like guys, can I do my job?
Can we do?
Can we do our job? And can't we just be friends in real life without y'all's chiming, you know.
And most people that are weighing in on the drama, they're you know, using their own context to give their opinions, like this is something. You don't know what it's like to be a sports competitor, and so you think that every little thing is gonna hit at somebody's emotions, or you don't know what it's like to talk shit to
somebody on the basketball court or in your situation. You don't know what's going on behind the scenes, and you a lot of these a lot of these ladies really don't have friends.
I'll girls liked my so.
Called best friend war keep dressing my birthday dinner? Like what a bitch like? Right, talking shit about your best friend who was trying to look as good as you. Babes, You're insecure personally and very bored with the sports drama in the w n B. A surrounding like racism or trash talk on the field, on the court, what do you call it?
Crash talk, but I feel, you know, it's it's almost like men get to trash talk each other, but when the women try to each other, then.
It's got to be emotional.
She's caddy and that's just sports in general.
The drama, the w n B A drama I live for is the who fucking who right now? That's what you know what I haven't seen NBA. Oh Wilson, Asia Wilson, though. I want Asia Wilson to pick me up and just toss me in the air. One good time.
Is about six eight sixteen. He's sixteen, them is sixteen. He might step on you taking shot to her. I mean, this girl, it'll be working in this fly two though, as she can ball. Like. The funny thing is all of the stuff going on between Caitlyn and Angel Rees has pretty much overshadowed the fact that Angel Wilson has been like the league MVP and the best player in the w A for the past three years. Yes, like it's not even close. And that's the thing that bothers.
The conversation between Caitlyn and Angel is tiring, bro.
Yeah, people, And here's the truth.
You know, it's tiring. I'm tired of the back and forth, and it's not even between them, it's just the online fans.
Yeah, it's more media driven than anything else.
Yeah.
Uh, they're moving in competition from the court to the media and basically trying to Yeah, we all know that tainment selves.
That's what this is. It's nothing more than that. So it's silly to.
Me agree, all right.
Cool. So the second topic, and this is a topic that personally makes me want to crash out. And we live in Atlanta, So if I if I call you and say I need bail money, just know I went down Emery Hospital and crashed the fuck out. A thirty year old black woman in Atlanta at Emory Hospital who has been declared brain did is being kept alive on
life support because she is pregnant. Her name is Adrianna Smith, and she actually went to the hospital seeking medical care and she was denied medical care because at the time, I think she was nine weeks pregnant, and so the doctors were like, well, you're pregnant, we can't do anything because we might get in trouble.
The fetus.
Yeah, And so subsequently she died and she became brain did. And that was back in February and she's being kept alive on life support because she has a fetus in her body against her family's will. Her family is suffering watching their child, their sister, their daughter, be kept alive with a fetus that doctors don't even think is viable. If this fetus does survive and is able to be delivered, it will likely have very severe damage.
And who's going to be on the on the hook to say exact state is taking liberties to keep the fetus in her alive, but then the minute the fetus is gone or she dies, now the family's responsible.
Assuming she had no power of attorney or anything over her.
At thirty years old.
I mean, hold on, who is going to be responsible for the hospital building?
That has been a question, that's been a question that people have been asking. Most people think that the family is going to be on hook for, you know, all of this care. Some people are saying that she's not probably not going to be charged for this care because it's the hospital decision. But I think that's still up in the air whether or not the family is going to be on the hook for the bill.
Hospitals a business about to say, hospital is a business.
They charged us when Kay had the baby in triage. They charged us twenty seven thousand dollars and then when we.
Refused, Cairo delivered himself.
Yes, Okay ejected himself.
He literally ejected from my body and all they did was just pass into me.
So yeah, and then they love what do we refuse?
We refused. I think it was like the vitamin K shot, whatever shots they'd be giving babies in the hospital. We were like, we don't want that, the eye joint, we don't want that. And they were like, all right, well, miss Ellis, do you need motrind do you need this that? I didn't need, not a thing. I said, I'll be fine. My body did what it was supposed to do. And they were like, well you can.
They said, you you need this room? Then yeah, if you're gonna refuse care, we need this room. We were there for one day, then I got a bill two weeks later for twenty seven thousands.
It's like any doctor that comes in and takes a peek at your baby, it's a bill. Yes, it was the hearing. It was a pediatrician. It was the you know, whoever counted the toes, whoever counted the fingers, And I'm like, these are all different doctors. That's all my baby.
Yeah, one day, yes, okay, and we had to pay it.
Yeah, between Trust the hospital between twenty twenty two, well, I guess twenty twenty three. I spent a total of like eleven days in the hospital. And when I got that bill, I was calling down to the hospital and who, now, who the hell did you say? I ain't never seen no doctor rush. I don't remember that person. I don't know what this is. You're gonna have to take that off. By the time I was done, I really didn't have to pay. I had to pay like three hundred and
fifty dollars. I had good insurance.
Oh so you called them and you told them like I didn't, they was putting that stuff on that bo.
Yeah, because the medical coding department, all they do would just be popping in codes. This is that code, This is that code, This is that code.
And can I pause you real quick? This is why we do op or no op. You see how people have ops on this, and it's important. That's because this really affects all of us. It has nothing to do with celebrity culture and everything to do with the fact that people are going through this.
Shit every real life, every day folks, So why do we care about celebrity culture.
And not just every day folks, but black women in particular. A lot of people are markening back to a man named Jay Mary and Simms, who is known as the father of gynecology, who basically took practices from African women who had been doing these practices for you know, lifetime generations, and he would practice gynecology on enslaved women with no anesthesia, no medication because the thought the practice, the thought back then was that black people did not experience pain the
way white people do. And so a lot of yeah, so he developed things like the speculum and stuff that we use that has been developed since then for past ers and stuff like that. And this is this is another Jay Mary and Sims experience. And there is a literal episode that is exactly what is happening. There's a black woman in Handmaid's Tale who is brain dead, who's pregnant. They're keeping her alive so that she has a baby, and there is no mistake that they use a black
woman for that episode. That is exactly And it's so funny because black women are more likely to die from breast cancer from cervical cancer, from ovarian cancer, from childbirth, all these things related to women's health, and the number the one reason is because when they do studies in research on these issues, they do not study Black women. And so the way that black women respond to medicine.
What you mean, they don't study Black women.
When they do like treatment studies, when they do research studies about sales focus groups, they only study white women.
So they experiment on black women and then do the studies for cures on white men exactly. And so they wanted to be.
Clear, a lot of information is not known how black women's bodies respond to treatment. There's a lot of you know, black women a lot of times suffer with fibroids and don't know why there's no studies. Nobody gives a fuck, you know what I'm saying. And yet in this situation, they think that it's absolutely okay to do this experimental project on a black woman while her family suffers and while her body cannot be you know, consecrated.
And just to be clear, this ain't the first time you brought the young lady's name up. Who open did the story on Henrietta Lacs, Henrita Lacts, who they pretty much experimented on her and used her themselves to find and cure like eighty plus diseases. And to be honest, like these are the whitewashing of history prevents us from knowing these stories.
And the craziest part about that is when Henriette Henrietta Lacks died from I think it was ovarian cancer or serbo cancer or something like that. And while she was alive receiving treatment, she wasn't receiving any care for pain. So in the book about Henrietta Lacks their stories about hearing her scream in agony while she was in the
hospital and nobody doing anything about it. But as soon as she died, because her cancer cells reproduced at rapid rates and kept reproducing even after she was dead, they were able to use her sales to create treatments like penicillin, which is one of the most important vaccine you know, medicines that we've had in history. Yeah, and her family had no idea they were even doing.
This and didn't receive anything from it. No, that's the biggest thing, too, right, you'll take from us, but she won't even give or compensate us on what we need. And I think it's important that we as a people understand that this is happening, right, and we have to do things to prevent it. For example, you go to the hospital with your young lady or your girlfriend or your daughter, there has to be an advocate there for
her when she gets there, because you never know. It's not enough just to trust people or say I'm going to trust the doctors. You can't.
There's so many women that I know who have had children and it's just like, wait till you hear my birthing story, and it's like, why do they have to have these outlandish, ridiculous birthing stories where they're not heard, not cared for, not considered. It's just it's really.
You know why it's that way because we want to ignore the fact that this is what America is. Yeah, that's just the fact. Like we'll see these stories. For example, we hear about Tosa, Oklahoma, I'm like, wow, that really happened. Yes, it happened a whole bunch of times, and it's still happening, So yes, it happened. We need to stop being surprised and understand that this is a fact and start taking liberties with our own Yeah.
That's why shout out to birth Fund. So birth Fund is a fund started by Elaine welter Roth and I went down well over across to LA for a Mother's Day event that she had. It was like her second annual, but it was a nice family day where I got to see a bunch of mothers. There were also you know, spouse's husband's family. It was a really nice family day.
But the purpose of birth Fund is to of course, first raise awareness around the fact that black women are dying at an exponentially larger rate than our white counterparts when it comes to labor delivery, even postpartum, and then also bringing back and I think also educating people on the importance of midwa free care. Like Tripo said, that was happening since the beginning of time there were no doctors.
So midwives literally believe in the holistic approach to labor, delivery, pregnancy, and the care for a woman through the entire process. So I'm very much active now with Elaine to see how we can continue to get the word out about that within our communities and then abroad, because it's important for us to just know what the options are. So many people don't even know about the options of midwardfree care versus hospital care.
You know what I want to research because you just brought this up, and you brought up the young man who pretty much stole guynecology from black or midwives. Remember, during the enslaved period, there were times where slave owners' wives were going through issues with pregnancies. You know who they called oftentimes that like the then mothers and the black women.
The matriarch is something with my wife.
Yeah, And like there need to be more stories told about that because those are the same reason why those white men and those white women chose black mothers to care for their children. You know what I'm saying, Like, there's a there's a history that we need to.
There's a reason why they saw value in that.
That type of history would bring us closer better than us telling the history of hatred and violence. Let's tell the history of why white people needed black people to care for their kids. Let's explain why black women have
we talked about this before? Right, I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I do think if you understand exercise science and physiology, they have a new new process called PRP where they take the blood out of your body they spin it, get all of the nutrients and everything from and they put it back in your own blood. If you see how they experiment on black women, it makes sense. The first humans started in Africa, so the closer you are to that first human, the more your blood or your
cells or your nutrients can cure diseases. We as black people need to understand that as well, rather than going outside to get Western medicine to cure us. That's another reason why so many of us are sick right think about it. We watch stuff on TV and say, oh, that works for them, maybe it works for us, but like Tripple just said, none of those things were designed for us.
Yeah, I think there's a.
There is a high blood pressure medication that is made for people with high blood pressure, but it's tested only on white Caucasian people, and it's not the same because we have a high blood pressure for completely different reasons. There's a good out of them, So that's a good study saying like the medications that they're giving us don't really treat the exact issue of why, like why we
need it. Sense it's helping high blood pressure, but it's also like not targeted specifically for African Americans, So it's.
Helping a symptom. Not really.
Yeah, And I think I think part of it is I'm probably talking out of the term, but it just does not work the same way that it works for white people. They didn't test on anybody in Africa. They didn't test on African Americans. Literally tested only on white people, and.
Our biochemistry is very different. I know this from studying exercise physiology and kinesiology. Even the professors would say, your athletes are going to be different based on where they come from, based on race and ethnicity. That is like a fact they tell us in school. Your athletes will be different. You can't look at an athlete and say, oh, this athlete is this. I can put all of these athletes in the same program. So if that works for
sports performance, it should work for like medicine. You know, you can't put everybody on the same program.
So you know what they do market towards us though as black people McDonald's I love blast you seriously, y'all wonder why we have high blood pressure? Lovest like the out of here. That's exactly what they market towards us. So is it a surprise that they want to keep us that way.
Like a bow jangle.
That's how That's exactly how it sounds.
It sounds just like I stopped.
Yeah. So uh, that is a situation personally that I would crash out over if I was in that situation. I consider myself, uh a part of the wood demographic wood, Like I would, I wish a nigga would. I'd be waiting, I'd be woo, I be waiting, Honey, I'll be seeing these videos these white people doing crazy ship to black people calling me any where, and they just filming, like, got your own camera, I'm gonna put that camera down because I'm about to do something really illegal to your ass.
With the two peaks.
Yeah, talking about exactly.
And I'm gonna sing a song. When I do sing the song, I wish, I really do. I really wish the nigga would. I really used to be crash out. Queen.
You are crush a fucking you was you was fighting in high school? Not really in high school.
She was breaking an entering, that's what she was doing. That was college.
That was college.
Yeah. I fought a little bit in high school. I fall a little bit in you know, elementary all through life. In college, I definitely was fighting host uh, and it's usually just for somebody else. Like, I don't like to be disrespected. I don't like for my friends to be expected. I don't like bullies. Uh my crash out era change. So I my friend was getting bullied. This girl she my friend like playfully sat on one of our male friend's laps or was dancing with him or something at
a club. I wasn't there, and his girlfriend saw her. She got mad and his girlfriend wanted to carry this beef on and so they were kind of, you know, just doing ship to my friend while we were at this party. And so I ended up leaving a party with another friend. I see the girl outside and the girl is like, oh you with you know my friend? And I'm like, oh, y'all, y'all the girl. So I ended up fighting the girls outside.
Then we leave.
And I went to Africa that summer.
Thought somebody went to Africa.
Yes, exactly. They got strong bones over there in the Motherland too. So I was in Africa, and while I was there, I guess my friends wanted to redeem themselves because they weren't the ones that fought even though it was their beef. So they get a bunch of girls together. They want they meet these girls in the park. These girls bring a man with them who brings a gun, and this man proceeds to like pistol whip. Yeah, it was crazy.
Not the pistol whipping.
It was.
And I was in college.
This was like I graduated from college that year.
So where you went to school? Ohio State never sent my kids with corn fan.
Ghetto. The girls are ghetto in Ohio.
I didn't know it got that crazy though off there Ohio State.
Yeah, I mean not off campus. The girls that we fought didn't even go to Ohio State. I think one of them grew to be a video vixen.
Rival is crazy.
Columbus Community College whatever, And the dude was definitely not enrolled. He was just a Columbus nigga.
Yeah, well he.
From around the way. But that that kind of changed. You know, my mindset on crashing out. Now I've cussed, I have cussed, I keep a weapon in the car, and so I mean I'll still crash. I crashed out on an NYPD officer in twenty seventeen.
You you wow, oh god, you know what is George?
What day week was?
And he said George after my crashed out pre George Floyd. He said, this is why people end up getting shot.
Well, see what I'm saying.
And I said, well, it'll be a good motherfucking day. And y'all let him know on the news that I crashed out on his ass too. Yeah, if I get shot by cars and then.
You go to the news triple and crashed out went to Africa, Tripple went to the news.
Crash out and.
A crash side. But yeah, so you know, I've tried to change. I've matured. I don't crash out so easily, and I'm definitely not crashing out for anybody else's petty beef. But what are what are some of the things that y'all have crashed or would crash out over.
Before y'all get into that, what day to week did you crash out in that officer?
Saturday? It must have been it was a Friday or Saturday. It was crazy because the people I'm in the car with four other people. We get pulled over. Four playe closed officers surround the car. They're at every window of the car.
Sound like ny detective.
They asked, We weren't even a block away. We had went around the block as somebody left their phone or something at the house. So we get pulled over. They surround the car. They asked the driver, have y'all been smoking weed? The driver with her dumb ass, said not in here, And that's the moment my crash out started. That is not a question you need to ask. There's no weed in the car. You don't smell weed. You
can ask for her. I did let us know why you're pulling her over, and then if there's not a reason, you need to let us know. And the stupid niggas in the car were like, triple shut up. No, bitch, you shut up because you're doing the stupid ass talking you. Now, I'm not going to jail for that ship. If I go to jail, it's gonna be for slapping the ship out of this motherfucking police officer, but not for no weed. Get the fuck out of here. So they did let us go because I'm not a damn fool.
Well, they had no reason to keep y'all.
Yeah, but then he.
And I will see this morning.
You know why, dudes, there's a greater level of repercussion when men get to crashing out. And I'll give you an example y'all ladies about to start fighting. The only dude that got involved brought a gun. This is what stops me from crashing out a lot of times because a lot of dudes are emotional and a lot of dudes can't fight. So you know what happens when you're emotional and you can't fight, you gotta pick up a weapon.
It may not always be a gun. It may be a razor, it may be a knife, but it could bet anything. But I like men, they when they go to crash out, it always ends up in incarceration of death. So for me, there's not a lot of things that I'll crash out for. But if it's my wife or my kids, I'm not there's no the value should have thought there was nothing to think about. My wife was in danger, my kids was in danger. My wife felt disrespected,
my kids felt disrespected. They need to feel that someone protects them, because if no one protects them, then what is my point? You know what I'm saying, Like, if you have, if you have one thing in life right as a as a person, you have to survive by any means necessary. Right, think about taking away all social constructs. We don't live in a Mariqueen live anywhere. You just wake up and it's like, I gotta survive. Then I meet another person that we're gonna survive together, and we're
gonna have offspring together. It's my responsibility to make sure we all survive.
Absolutely, it's your responsibility to protect them and not to crash out.
I agree, I agree, I agree, that's my responsibility.
Yeah, so don't ever crash out because of those responsibilities. The responsibility for that is to protect them. You crash out by everything else, but those two things your job is to protect because if you crash out to.
The point, now I'm gone and now you're gone. How does one temper emotions when you're on the verge of crashing out? What do you replan in your mind to say? You know what, it may not be worth it.
In this it ain't worth it?
Is it worth it?
I've listened this. This goes back to the story she chose not to tell him because she could foresee that
he was going to crash out. If I'm being honest, I feel like women do a better job of controlling their emotions in those type of times, Like from what I've seen in the hood growing up in Brooklyn, you know how many men are behind bars, are dead because they just went out there and did something on how many women were calculated enough to not crash out themselves, but to tell they brother or their father, or they
cousin or their friend. You know what I'm saying, it's whatever women have, that's what we got to learn.
I think it's saying to control emotions in the height of conflict that might have Dudes just might be like, in a height of conflict, like I just got to solve it, I gotta fix it, I gotta do something, whereas women might be a little bit more calculated in that.
Regard, but also kind of emotional too, because I can think of a couple times, even growing up in Brooklyn, where there's been a young lady that felt like, for whatever reason, she was disrespected and was like, wait till I call my brother, Wait till I sell my father. And then they make a mountain out of a Mohill type of situation, getting the brother or the father or the cousin rowed up, and then they end up coming to press another set of dudes and it becomes a
whole altercation. And she probably didn't think it was going to escalate to be that. But it's like in that moment where he felt like he had to come to her defense, that escalated the entire situation.
You know what I think is that this is where we can actually use toxic masculinity as an example, right, because what we think is masculine is to go out there and just hit somebody and fight somebody, and that's extremely toxic. When the real masculinity is to be even emotional and come to a solution without resorting to violence. That's the perfect example of toxic masculinity is thinking that the only way I can show my power is by
escalating to violence. You know what I'm saying, Like, that's what we as a community need to learn it.
That's I just want to point out that in the ongoing debate between me and Deval, that's the point for me was that you agree with toxic masculinity for one.
Nah, that's that's extremely toxic and I and I will I will admit the fact that men think that the only way that I could be more manly than this next man is to be physically more dominant is extremely toxic.
I've seen you exercise that exact thing. I don't know if we've told this story before, but it was my sister's twenty first birthday at Tracks and you were with me, my sister cousin a group of us, and my sister was in the VIP section. This dude was kind of drunk coming up on the stage with her and she
was just like, bro, this is not your section. So on the back and forth, and Deval in that moment, could have trying to defend his sister had been like in the dude's face and making this altercation more than it needed to be, because dude was ready to have He was ready to make it. That's what he was ready to make it that he had his team of friends behind and his goal was to prove a point
in that moment. And I saw Devell literally stay cool as a cucumber and even Q, I think your part because that I had no backup.
It was just me.
He probably just prepped for that before even stepped into the building. Women, we're just gonna figure this out. We ain't gonna go crazy, we ain't gonna yeah, we ain't gona do nothing. We gotta do something. We just gonna walk out and leave. It's not worth it.
That's literally you're saying devout going into the situation already.
Yes, it's almost like you're walking into you're in an airport, or you in a in a restaurant, you're looking at all exits. You just when you go there, you're already pre planned what's gonna happen. By the time you sat down in order, you ready know what you're gonna do.
What did I tell you said the New York thinger?
Is that just like a thing? Because you taught me the same thing to and I go to restaurants not to sit with my back to the door. If I'm not with him, you know know what the edit is.
And that was that was part of my decision. Dude started getting loud with Sakari. First thing I did was stand up. Was like, Okay, I'm gonna have to handle this dude. But then I see everybody that looks similar to what he got on. You can tell people's groups. There's like seven to eight dudes coming across that wall. So I'm like, they're coming to They're coming because they see he's getting loud. Then I'm like, there's one exit. The exit is all the way over there. It's just me.
I got six women I got Tristan, who's inebriated, but he's smaller. You know what I'm saying, Robert smaller than Tristan.
I can't.
So my whole thing at that time was to show him that I'm not afraid, but let him know, like this is dumb. So I reached so I was like, Yo, my man's you know what I'm saying, it's my sister that like, what the fuck? I was like, dude. Then this homeboy came up and someboy was down on the platform and was like, yo, if my man got a problem, we got a problem. And I was like, yo, step up here. I put my hand out. He looked at me,
grabbed my hand, and then I yanked him up. When I yanked him up, I was trying to show him how strong I am, to let him know like, Okay, y'all may try something, but whoever's up here first gonna get dealt with. When I pulled him up there like that, and he pulled up, he got close to me. I said, look behind me, there's seven women back here. Do you think I came here to fight with y'all? Like, think about it, this is all of this women back here. I'm here with my wife. I'm like, look at all
these women out here. He looked at them, he looked at his man, he looked at me. He was like, you know what, man, you right, Because in that moment I approached him with respect. I didn't try to be little him, but I also let him know like this is dumb, and to me, that was the most masculine thing I could do. The other only option was he was one of the biggest ones. Is hit him first and hope that when I hit him first that he goes to sleep and then I can handle something else.
But that's a lot to think about, you know what I'm saying. So it's just like, don't crash out. Be smart?
Is crashing out? Is there any point where crashing out as a necessity, not for you, but for them? If you think about for their perspective, he wants to crash out over anything. Is there a situation where you would just crash out for anything?
For me?
Like?
Is it survival for them?
No?
I think this is yeah. I mean in any situation, Like I think, ready to crash out at all costs.
I think that's the toxic part of masculinity, especially coming from where we come from. Is that I'm going into this. How many times we talked to our people going to party, anybody look at me wrong, I'm snuffing us. That's toxic you. All you want to do is show people that you're more masculine, not realizing that that makes you look so small. But that's what they're taught. That's what we were taught. That's growing up in Brooklyn. You know what I'm saying.
You walking around, you got your older cousins, a older brother. Anybody look at you, want your snuff. It's like you start thinking that that's the way to be until you get older and you're like, wait a minute, he did that. He's in jail, he killed somebody, he's dead. It's like, wait a minute, that doesn't make any sense. And then you start to realize that crashing out has no positive response,
Like there's nothing good comes from crashing out. All that being said, if I see somebody disrespect my wife or hurt my wife or sexually assault my wife, it's going to be hard for me to think about all of that. So when I told that story about being in New York, if I would have saw her face and she looked scared, and that dude smoked, smirked at her with that devilish smirk. There wouldn't have been nothing left for me to think
about it your point. It would have just been he's going to have to feel the same thing my wife feels. I'm about to embarrass him and that and that doesn't make me right. I'm not asking for people to say devou right, that's just what I think.
Yeah, I get you.
The same thing with my kids.
I feel the same way when I look at like court cases and you know, like the defendant is the one who, like, yeah, raped or little girl somebody's daughter and they're in the crowd. I'm sorry, I'm hopping over.
I'm taking it. I'll take it thirty days course, I'll take it.
Yes, So it's crashing out, always responding in violence.
I was gonna.
Can't crash out, just be like I just curse somebody out or you know what I'm saying.
From a definition standpoint, crashing out is violence.
That's silence because think about it, what issh his impact crashes boom.
But that can be also verbally though, you can have impact verbally.
Oh yeah, I'm the queen.
I wouldn't call the argument. I personally wouldn't call it a crash out, but I have seen online were like remember the balloon game, And the chick responded and was just like, I don't like him because he's a little short. She's like, that's the problem with y'all, And it was like crashing out.
He was a crash out. Specifically, he was arguing with every girl, yeah, and he didn't get it. They kept being like, I don't like how you talked to women. He'd be like, why are you worried about I'll talk to the next woman. You a follower while he was crashing out.
If that's the case, Matt is right crash out because domestic violence is not always physical. You can verbally abuse someone, So if you choose to verbally abuse someone, that is a crash out.
To me, I felt like, initially when I learned the crash out terminology, this is from my son, Jackson. He tries to keep me young. So he initially told me about crash out because he was at sky Zone for a friend's birthday party and somebody's kids jumped on another kid, you know, accidentally, but theer, the kid's mom, who was not within the group of the birthday party, was getting in Jackson's friend's face. So Jackson's friend's mom, who was not that wasn't her son, but she was there as
one of the parents. She jumped in and started cursing the lady out. So it was this back and forth between the two and Jackson was like, oh my god, yo, such as such moms crashed out, and I was like, what does that mean.
To me?
It's kind of synonymous in that moment, like when she's spashed at you, crash out. Son just fads out, crash out verbally, queen physically, not the.
University act of going to zero and sixty, and.
Like just like yeah, yeah, yeah. The way that I would characterize it, uh, something that has helped me over the years with my issues with anger is like somatic practice and learning how to recognize dysregulation in my body before I respond to something. And so I would say that a crash out is when you are so disregulated that you cannot control what you are doing or saying.
So sometimes, like we'll have I can have a spirited debate an argument with somebody where I'm still where I'm still listening, where I'm still able to respond, But if I'm crashing out. I'm simply reacting. I'm not fucking listening. I'm going the fuck off. I feel it in my body. My body is in raged. I'm full of rage. I'm shaking, you know what I'm saying. Some people will say like, oh, I blacked out.
Yeah.
Some people literally like cannot hear you when you're talking because they're crashing out. They're disregulated in their bodies so much so that they can't control what is happening.
You know why that's bad. You know how crash outs are born. They watched their parents crash out. I think about that all the time, like I'd be like.
Not being emotionally intelligent or aware or mature.
And I learned from my dad, Like my dad was not a crash out. I've seen people getting into physical altercations, and my father was a bouncer. I think I told you other story. He learned how to regulate other people's emotions by and he told me this. He said, d vow when I was bouncing at the club. He used to bounce at Tunnel and another big club in the nineties when it was like a lot of hip hop people there. He was like, there's only five bounces the
club holds four hundred people. If a big fight breaks out with all of these dudes, I need to know that these people will listen. He talked about every time he came and had people come in the club, they'd be like, yo, listen, it's only five of us. Let's make sure that we got each other's back. Da da da da when a fight happened. He never ran in there throwing punches. He ran in there to be like yo. And I think that's what I learned how to do it,
and that's where our kids are learning it. So if you're a person that crashes out and have kids, what do you think your kids are watching and learning when they watch you constantly crash out.
Every time there's a conflict, every time flip the handle.
My reaction should be yeah, because that's what I saw, my folks.
And not only that, like emotional dysregulation comes from your fight or flight, like hormones not being controlled for you to always feel like you're in danger when something happens and you either want to fight or fight, and if you're in a household where you don't feel safe because your parent is always crashing out, not even just that you're seeing them do it, but you might be hearing it or any little thing they're snapping at you. Now
you are disregulated. Now you're a alert nervous system. Right, your alarm system is going off with any little thing that happens. And now you are a disregulated adult.
That's why conversation is so important.
You see how all of this is like, and you like you're thinking about things and people.
Yeah, no, I was gonna say that. This is why conversation, though, is so important because your father, for example, is a bouncer. Knowing how his dad is, I can see him. If somebody is irate, you know, and feeling like they've been wronged in whatever situation it was in the club, for example, just bringing them close and talking to them and trying to empathize with their point of view. A lot of times people just want you to understand their perspective and
where they're coming from, what made them upset. So for me, I think, to Tripple's point, having someone that can then if you're in that fight or flight mode, kind of bring you back down and regulate it by empathizing with how you feel, even if you're wrong. Yeah, it's just having somebody to communicate with you on that level into personally that I think that it can then start to potentially de escalate something from being a crash out moment.
Yeah, it's a renew your sense of safety to help your alarm bells turn off to be like you're you're safe. Nothing is happening to you, right, has to happen, nothing has to happen. Right, Yeah, I hear you.
You're wrong as hell.
You need to be, but we don't want it to get there.
I listening to Tripple whe We're gonna have to take a break someone, But listening to Triple really like set off an alarm in my brain. And I'm thinking about all the people I grew up with and now thinking about.
Their parents, right, and how they respond.
When she talked about fight or flight, I can think about five friends who have crash out moms right, who their kids either be ready to fight or run from everything. And it's funny when I mean run from everything. The minute somebody's voice get raised, they gon't, or it's the minute somebody's voice get raised like why did you punch some and so man like, I'm thinking about all of these things, and it makes the most sense when you have a crash our parents.
I know a mother child duo that came to mind where it's just like, yo, you could fuck with them if you want to. They're gonna be cool as a que coming through it all I know. But them two, if anything shit goes awry, say the word. It's either gonna go all the way sky high or they can keep it down low.
But she's very controlled in her emotion.
Control, and that's why he is. However, if shit needs to get done and dealt with, it's gonna get done and dealt with on a very low, even Q level. So all right, y'all, let's go pay some bills before the bill collectors crash out on us, and we'll be back with listening letters. Stick around, all right. We're back back with listener letters, and we have one for today. Oh it's a bit lengthy one, so let's go in
and dive right in. All right. I'm approaching the second half of my thirties and I recently moved out of my childhood home into a two bedroom apartment with my teenage son. It's my first apartment after having lived with
my six plus siblings and parents my entire life. When I moved, my dad who was retired and divorced from my mom, was staying with other family, doesn't have a place of his own, volunteer to move in with me for two weeks to help me get settled in, and also for what he felt was assuring my safety as a single woman in a new neighborhood. I welcome. This offer makes sense, I.
Knew, yep.
The problem is it's been six months now and he hasn't left. He's taking over my living room to a point where I can't even utilize it because it feels like I'm invading his space. I haven't had people over, neither has my son, and I'm feeling very restricted in a place that was supposed to be just for me and my kid. I'm nervous to ask him to go back to where he was staying or with other of another of my siblings, because I don't want to hurt
his feelings. We have a great relationship, but I don't want to risk it going bad by becoming the daughter who put him out quote unquote. However, I need my space and independence. Resentment is starting to grow, and I don't want to be miserable in my own home. There's also the fact that we are from the Caribbean West Indian massive and it's very common for parents and elders in our cultures to feel entitled to their children's success and any really is that in any capacity because of
this sacrifice. Yo, speak to me, speaking to me, siss I understand, Let's go back. It's very common for parents and elders in our culture to feel entitled to their children's success in any capacity because of the sacrifices they made coming to this country and building a life for us to suited.
I'm gonna let you. I'm gonna close my laptop and I'm gonna let you.
However, I haven't reached that plateau of success where I can invite others to partake. Yet, if I had a house where he could actually have his own room or wing, sure he'd be welcome. Until he's not, says, because I'm about to reach my max. Honey, did you just you?
My god, it's all over his you Okay, I'm sorry this conversation category ofsion.
This has been our lives. Honey, what you going to tell her?
Because I don't even know girl?
Moving with us, I don't know what to tell you.
With us, moving with us? Whatever you do.
I'm about to say, we couple old.
Appearance in one house? How about that?
And they have each other?
Okay?
Good? So you wrote this, be honest, you wrote this, I might have wrote.
You got me. That actually would be funny if you wrote it, if we wrote in anonymously. All right. So if I had a house where he could actually have his own rumor wing, sure he'd be welcome. But my first apartment and he's just in my living room. My son and I can't have friends over because my couch is double timing as his bed. I can't even think about inviting a potential husband in because how does that
look ough. He earns more than enough money from his retirement and social Security to get a place of his own, But what I've gathered when I ask him about that route in a nutshell. He just doesn't want to spend the money. We live in New York City. I would love your thoughts on how to approach speaking to a close family member about exercising those options and getting out of your house. It's hard because that's my girl. Todd asked me.
I don't know.
I don't know how to tell you because I'm in the same situation. It's hard because that's my father and he worked outdoors his whole life in every kind of weather to support our family, mom as a housewife. So when I think about his sacrifices, I feel terrible. Anyway, please help girl, first of all, because start a support group, because that's exactly what Daval and I have. And I just at this point, you guys know, my parents' mom
particularly moved with us from Brooklyn to California. When we were living in California for a year and a half COVID hit. The plan was initially for her to move for about six months, take some time off of work, decompress, help us with the transitions to California. But then, of course nobody expected for COVID to hit, and then COVID kind of just put everybody into rut, as you all know. And we moved from California to Georgia and it has
become and how both parents are here. Both parents are here because of course dad's retired, wanted to come be with us and the children, so as much as we love and enjoy them being here with the kids. Because of course, y'all know, Deval and I have crazy schedules.
I have reached the.
Point where I can use my own space, and it's been particularly difficult because I know that we have created a very comfortable environment for my parents to exist here with us, because essentially they don't have to worry about anything. And anytime my mom and I or my mom and my siblings and I or devall my mom have the conversation, you know about potentially them getting their own place, you know, she'll talk about all.
Of the sacrifice literally the same word.
Guy, Like, I think it's a thing within the Caribbean community that I don't know. Josh and Matt if you've heard about the sacrifice that they've made for us. And we had even done an episode on the podcast a little while back where I said how the word sacrifice is so triggering to me and how I would never use that with my boys, like, you know, using that almost as a guilt trip, like I have sacrificed so much.
No, no, no, listen, my mom watches this. Mommy, I.
Don't have to hie.
My mom has never a guilt tripped me by anything. If anything is the other way around. She's she feels bad that she doesn't have enough to give me.
So I love that, so don't put me in it, Mommy.
I love you. I love you.
You would never Okay, thank you.
I found out my mom watches this too, but also.
Sacrifice supporting.
Stories over there.
I appreciate exactly.
It's the idea of the sacrifice, and my mindset when it comes to the sacrifice portion of it is like whatever I do, or di and I do collectively for our children, I don't see it as a sacrificing to give it to them. This is the life that we want to live, and this is the work that we want to do for ourselves where our children will reap the benefits, of course, but I would never think that my children are responsible for the sacrifice. Me as a parent,
me as a woman, me as a person. This is the kind of life that I want to provide for my family. That's why Dival and I work so hard, and that's why I could just stay home and chill, but no, I want to be able to contribute but also be an active mom and active wife at home. So I laugh about the sacrifice portion of it because that's what my mom says, and that's not taking away from what her story is. Right coming up here at seventeen by herself.
She gives it.
She sacrificed those he did.
I think that's why the Caribbean massive is always like a sacrifice. I left my is from here for a better life than all of us at all.
It's a huge thing. It's a huge sacrifice as well. Yeah, so I would never take away from that. I actually applaud and have empathy for my mom. I even in a Mother's Day post that we just posted I just posted in May, I told her that she needs to be proud of that seventeen year old girl that came up here by herself for a new country, trying to figure out things on her own. Like I don't want nobody to drop me at forty one in no country to figure shit out on my own, you know what
I'm saying. So I completely get that and I empathize with that. But Dad is overdoing it. He is overdoing it, and he is overstaying his welcome, and he probably was looking for out from Mom and the other six plus
siblings that y'all got there too, you know. So I think like a nice encouraging conversation where of course, with our parents, you have to make sure that you build them up and you talk about appreciating the sacrifices, and you talk about that, but then you talk about what's healthy for what you need in your.
Please do not listen, young lady.
Do not let your dad come live with you, all right, because once you get them in, they can't come out.
Too late, too late.
He's on the couch, he said, and he's been there for six months.
Oh damn.
Yea.
And now the conversation in my house with deval and I and my mom and dad are like, hey, guys, okay, so you've sold, you know, your investment property in New York. We have this money sitting aside for you, guys. Let's
start house hunting. My mom will text me all the memes, she will d m me all the reels, and she will all the things, and she will not reply to anything house related when typically looking for houses is like a thing like on a random day, I might look on Zilla, like what they got on the market, knowing good and one. I ain't buying ship. But that's just something that she was out there, and she has not responded to anything, like there's no conversation happening a house
at all. So and I know that there's several reasons, like from a personal and more private standpoint where I won't divulge why potentially she doesn't want to have her own space, but it's also just awfully convenient to be here because she don't have to worry about nothing. The kids are here, you know.
So also I will say this, and this is not personal to your parents or your parents or your parents, this is just life when you get to that age, sometimes they just don't want to be around each other. And now I have somewhere else to go. And I'll use my own family as an example. I look at my Papa John and my nanny. They sleep together at night in the same room, but all day my nanny will be in one room. My Papa John will be in his room, or he'll be in the garden. And
it works for them. They have their space. John, you're hungry, John can yeah, b They come in, they eat, They have a great relationship. But they just don't want to be around each other all the time.
That's true.
Even your dad comes down to help with the boys and he'll come chill, but he'd be facetiming your mom and he'd be like, hey, miss you.
But they like the space.
They like the space sometimes, you know what I'm saying. I go away on vacation with my girls a couple two three days, Deval be missing me. I'd be sending him little selfies and whatnot and come back home. So I get the space component wanting that, But I do I do You need a space, girl, You need your space. Your son, who's a grown boy, needs his size. You know, like you said, you want to have people over and
entertain them. And Dad has to fall up his pillow and blanket because that's as bad as well.
She got a guilt trip him the opposite.
This is the perfect time.
I'm not.
Crash.
She needs a real help though. How would you get her at this house?
Now?
Seriously, seriously, this is what works for me, because I've even spoken to Kadeen's parents and my parents. You have to, like Kadeen said, acknowledge the fact that they have sacrificed, and also acknowledge the fact that Dad, because you've been here for six months, I do feel safe. I know my environment, people know that you're here, so I feel safe. But Dad, at the same time, I'm a grown girl and I have a son, and we need our space.
That we can flourish. I guarantee you. Because her father does care so much, you'll understand, You'll unders He also may be waiting for her to say I'm good. What if what if he's there, like, I can't leave because she hasn't.
Told me she's enjoying having me here.
Maybe he doesn't know.
Maybe she said in the letter that every time she brings it up, he sacrifice. She's not trying to hear it, so it crash out. It's time.
I wouldn't crash out on my dad, but I would tell him like you got to Friday.
You know why, because as many sacrifices as your parents have made, they've made just as many mistakes. So you you get one. You get one good crash out, you get one good motherfucking crash out, And I think this is your one. I think it's time to use your free crash out on dad.
You can't crash your parents agree with everything you said.
I'm never gonna crash out on my parents, but you got to crash out within your limit.
Reasons.
But then reason, and maybe you're the favorite daughter. Maybe he just likes being with you because I feel like I'm my father's favorite.
Well you are not your father's favorite. You better stop lying to yourself right now. You are your mother's favorite. You are your mother's favorite. Tristan, is your mother, you Grandma, Brian's face, somebody, somebody who love.
You, somebody, It's true most for these two write you know what I'm saying. But it's also one hand watches the other situation like I love that they're here to be with my boys and be there full time. But sis, and when you when you kick him out, be like yo, dad, if you want to pop in every now and again see us, But you gotta go back home, sir, You gotta go back home.
My mom asked me she should move with me every couple of months. Don't you want me to move that? And I crashed out on her right there.
Don't want to triple toxic? Man.
Yes, you get some people, ash man, they take a mile. I hate.
Here for six years. Huh. Well if you well, if you want to.
Hear more of that podcast, but now that we know that Daisy and ed is Edna. Yeah, Daisy and Edna listen, I don't know if mom be watching, but my girl, you're ready to know what the conversations. Man, answer me one text about the Zillow's okay because some houses are probably not under contract, and then we got to look at more houses.
Scrifice, don't care. I love you, Oh my.
God, we love you girl, but he got to go. If you'd like to be featured as one of our listener letters, be sure to email us at the Ellis Advice at gmail dot com.
That's t h E E L L I S A d V I C E at gmail dot com.
All right, moment of truth time. We're talking about crash out, When to when not to? Should we what are the rippercussions? Let's start with Uh, we're gonna start with it, Matt. Any moment of truth when it comes to.
Crashing out, I think big before you, before you crash out, it might not be worth it at all.
Yes, same, same long along, the same lives thinking I was thinking about from all right, listen.
Think about you act. Don't cut any of this.
It's right now.
She don't cut it, said his brain.
All right, listen, don't crash out. All right, don't crash out. I've crashed out before. I'm so happy we didn't get to it today because I don't really want to talk about it.
My mom watches this, but I've crashed out before and it ain't worth it.
Man.
You can end up in jail, you getting up dead. There's so many repercussions.
I was it repercussions that you did not expect before before crashing out.
So please, it's like, just do what Matt said. I'm not even gonna try to repeat it.
Tips what you got him saying. That made me remember I did get arrested for crashing out once. I've changed, honestly, and that is why this is my literue. Get familiar with the way your body feels, so that you know when a crash out is upon you. When you're about to crash out, you know, you get hot, you start shaking, Yeah, you get fancy. Get to know how your body feels and learn how to regulate.
Yeah, that's why I shut it down. Why you're not saying that.
Well, And don't put yourself in situations where you can't crash out. I understand it's always like you can't always like control that, but there are some times that you just don't put yourself in a situation where you can crash out, Like if you.
Don't drive in New York City, if you're driving man, don't don't do it.
Yeah, I agree, but mine is short.
Man.
Crashing out is toxic the most. I think the most relevant form of toxic masking is when you watch a man crash out seriously. And I gotta say that because me and Troup will always be arguing about masculine and feminine. I don't think toxic masculinity is a thing, but when I think about crashing out, that's definitely toxic as fuck.
And there's nothing good That immediate gratification you get from hitting somebody or cursing somebody out of feeling like you want is instantly going to be gone the minute the act is over, and you got to deal with the consequences.
So don't crash out, yo, don't And shout out to all the women who protect their men from crashing out by deciding not to tell them what the fuck is going on, because I know a couple of I know a couple that's saved some lives by doing that, And also to the women who use the fact that your man crashes out as a weapon against other men's corny man, please refrain from doing that because you don't want to lose your loved ones, So to something that you thought wasn't gonna be that big of a time.
Absolutely, this might be me at my big age having this revelation too. But it's like just when you say your prayers in the morning and you thank God for another day, pray for the discernment to know whether or not something is worthy of. Yeah, a crash out, like we gotta have, you have to, like at some point.
I don't know if it's at some age because we see big people fighting on the internet all the time and it's just like why, you know, but just just pray for the discernment to know when you should just walk away from situations that can become an escalated situation and no one You can maybe solve that with just having a candid conversation with the person in that moment, and I think that'll come from regulating your body and
understanding what's happening before the crash out comes. All right, y'all, be sure to find us on Patreon if you have not yet, be sure to subscribe. You get all of this amazing after show footage as well as any behind the scenes Ellis Family content, and you can find us on social media at Ellis ever After. I'm at Kadeen, I am and I.
Am Deval and Matt. Can you tell us where to find you?
I'm Underscore Matt dot Ellis and.
You can double click on my flex at Joshua Underscore Dwayne.
And I'm at Trams The Cool Cribbz, The Cool on Everything.
And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe. Everybody on three one two three.
Got Ellis ever After is an iHeartMedia podcast. It's hosted by Kadeen and Deval Ellis. It's produced by Triple Video, Production by Joshua Dwyane and Matthew Ellis, video editing by Lashan Rowe.
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