Coming Soon…E4

about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead as is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take Phillow Talk to a whole new level. Dead Ass starts right now. I'm gonna take us back to February six. Kadina and I have been away from each other now for about two weeks because I had to

go film Season three or Sisters. So I'm in Atlanta, she's in l A. And just like the last time we moved from New York to l A, I was filming while she was moving us across country. So not doing that again. She's moving us across country. I'm filming. I'm getting calls from the movers to call off my wife because my wife is going crazy on everybody right off's head. And I'm like, sorry, guys, I can't do that because whatever she said y'all did, y'all did that

ship and I'm on her side. So we mean, you know, me and the movers are going back and forth, Me and k going back and forth, and we beefing. And this Wednesday night, Sisters comes on and we're trending because of a bathroom scene, particular bathroom scene that involved the blue light. It's called the Blue Light Special. If you

haven't seen it, go watch it. This is the scene where Zach and the team and finally get the dude one in the bathroom and there's a blue light in there and end up picking for team up and doing my thing right. So at the end of shooting we were done shooting February thirteen. I had told Codeine that I wasn't going to be done filming until after the weekend the fifteenth, which would be after Valentine's Day. So she was like a sorry baby, and what I'm saying,

we'll get together and stuff like that. After Valentine's Day, So February thirteen, we ended up rapping. Didn't tell conein. So I drive from the uh from the studio to now our new home. We had just finally moved into Atlanta, and the house don't got nothing in it. It's like empty. I walk up to the door and we don't have no doorbell at this time, so I'm just standing at the door trying to figure out how I'm gonna, you know,

got to get in because I don't have the key. Yeah, we literally just moved in, So I'm knocking at the door. Nobody's coming to the door. Then I see a figure with a blanket just walked by the door and stop and look at me, and I'm like, yo, it's I was it was. I was like that was straight out of like a whole horror film. Like you see stuff like that all the time, Like a girl will be walking past like an open window and standing there and

you had like your big bubble coat. And it was just a shadow of a big figure in my doorway and she's standing looking at me. I'm looking at her and she just turns to her sideways and I'm like, open the door. She comes to the door slow. So I go downstairs, say what's up to the boys. She's like, I'll meet you upstairs in the bedroom. So I get to the bedroom and she goes, I'm chilling in the bed. We don't have no mattress yet, we're on the air mattress.

We're on the air mattress. So Codeine turns all the lights off, she turns the fireplace on, and then lastly she clicks on a blue light. And now here we are. We are here, we are forever, forever, forever. And I know so you're having my baby. But and it means so much to me. There's nothing more presious in the world than to raise a family hate. If there's any doubt in your mind, you can't count on me. I'll never ever let you die. Baby. Believe then meet you and you and I, You and I we do right

from the star. Oh, hey, you and I. I forgot. I forgot the next part. It will never be a part the day right, I really don't remember. But now our baby is strong, healthy and strong, and our dreams are reather triple whatever, my lady, that's the part I was. The problem was I was waiting for the Oh yeah, I was waiting for that the whole time, and then you forgot all the Because I don't love the single words of the song. I'm one of those people. I

don't sing the words. I just say the sounds of the words as the real singer sing the words because I know I can't sing right. So I just being a call like you, and I'm excited, baby, I can tell you forever. Let's talk about this movie because the people want to know. The people want to know. I've been on you about having another baby for four years now,

at least, I think the minute Cas was born. The funny thing, we had cats at home with our midwife in Brooklyn, and it was literally like an amazing experience that Devot was just like, we could totally do this again, and I was like, when like not now, I'm like, I just had cats, cannot recuper rate. It was a beautiful experience. So it was did kind of feel deep down, um in that moment. I was like, man, if I could have had all my boys this way, then it

would have been amazing. So I kind of felt like that was an experience that I would not have been opposed to having again. I agree, I also feel like we have an amazing testimony going from where we started having kids, you know, with Jackson and then Kyrone. Is like, we gradually got to this home birthday experience, but that testimony can just be a way for us to share

with other people what we've gone through. So, although I wish we could have had all three because it would been more peaceful for you especially, I feel like there was a reason why we had to go through that and make all of our boys are different. Um their birthday experiences are all different. So so I'm excided to see, you know, what this is gonna look like for us because now we're in a new space, a new state. We have three boys. But I do want my fourth

child to be born in Brooklyn. I don't know how are we gonna do that? How are we gonna do that? How do we make that work? I would have to call well, see, I was looking to call up my former midwife, Takia, who's not retired. I have to find a way to Brian allegedly, she's alleged that might be indefinitely. I I kind of feel like I need to respect her space and that she's retired now. However, Takia she'd go, you trying to pull up? Are you trying to come

out of retirement for me? I'll never forget to his voice. He was like, so, Tequio, you're gonna tell me what to do. She was like, no, you're gonna tell me what to do. And I was like, then what fun? I was confused. I really was confused. So wait a second, she's not going to deliver the baby. She's like, Caine, you deliver the baby and I will be here. I was like support, And meanwhile, I'm just like, tell me

when to push. But it went just like that. But it literally did like I was totally in control of that whole situation. Thank god, there were no complications. I entrusted my body to do what it was designed to do, and it did not feel me. It's very peaceful, and she was so peaceful. So so we had to figure that out. I don't know how we're going to have this baby in Brooklyn, but you know, we'll figure it out. So set. I know the people want to know how we got to this decision. Um, this is not an

easy decision for anyone to make. This so many different variables when we talk about age, the amount of kids we have um finances and careers like those are the four disgusted into consideration? And I know a lot of it is is you making that decision. So let's let's start with age. I want to ask you. I'm gonna interview you. Let me let me play for Dean for a minute. I got my laptop. Most important. Look at

you looking all organizing when you really got questions? Let me let me sit here, all right, pull them up a minute. Be sitting here. M You're right, I should be sitting. Actually, you gotta cross your legs. I don't be sitting like that. There you go. Okay, So um, yes, um, what made you decide at thirty seven years old that you wanted to have another baby for Devial, well for Devel because I don't think it would have been for

anyone else. But I'm not there. Um. But it was a difficult decision for me, mainly because I kind of felt a sense of relief after having cats. I had cats literally a week before my thirty fourth birthday, So in my mind, I was like, okay, cool, I'm done with kids. I'm thirty three. You know, I can just bounce back from this, hopefully, you know, and just be on my merryway raising my three boys. UM and of course once medically, you know, according to medicine, when you

hit thirty five, you then enter this realm of um geriatric. Yes. See. The funny thing is when I told my when I mentioned the word geriatrics, I mentioned it to my O B. G Y N. And she was offended for me, she was offended for every woman thirty five and over. And she was like, that is not a good terminology to use for that. UM. But you know, there's certain risks that are associated with pregnancies over thirty five. There's also UM a decline in the quality and number of eggs

that women have, So that was concerned of mine. I was like, man, is that something that I want to have to do? UM over thirty five? You know? And that was in Part two a lot of the not the pressure I felt, but in my timeline of life. I felt like, man, I want to have my children, you know, in my twenties early thirties, so that way I can avoid having to deal with that. Because with thirty five and over pregnancies come many different testings for

high risks things like that. I think a lot of those tests because they don't pay attention to Black women, are not done on black women because I know a lot of women over thirty five who are Black, who have healthy kids and who have tons of eggs, and who have kids well into their forties. That if you think about a lot of people, think about your mom, my mom, your grandmother, my grandmother, they have tons of kids.

And I wonder if a lot of those tests who are done with those statistics don't include Black women, you know what I'm saying, Because even just because the Black maternal healthcare, there's really excuse me, with Black maternal healthcare, there's really little care that goes into the care of Black women exactly, which which is harsh reality, but it is reality. But that also makes me wonder, like some of the things they say or have said to us.

For example, it was said to us that why you're rest feeding, you won't ovulate, so that's almost like a form of birth control. And then we had cats, right, so it makes me wonder like who is that? And then all of the Jamaican women and your family was like who told you that? Right? I mean, I guess everything is is, it's it's relative to the person, you

know what I mean? But now you're right, You're right, I would it would be interesting maybe in season six of the podcast as we go into the pregnancy and will kind of take you guys on the journey that we've had or we will be having UM to bring maybe two key back or an expert to talk about that, because that's an interesting, interesting thing. But you decided Yeah, also too, I kind of felt like I wanted to be able to be the mother that I have been

to Jackson, for example, who's now ten. You figured he's going to be now ten years apart from this baby. UM, and I don't want to kind of lose steam. You know. You hear about people having multiple children, and then you have a child later on in life, and it's like, are you able to keep up with that child the same way you did when you were in your twenties, you know? Um, And it's just the thing because it's age, its energy, it's just having more to do. UM. So

many factors going to that. So I was a little concerned about being able to be everything that I wanted to be for a fourth child that I was for my first child. Because I want each of my children to experience me in some sort of wholeness. Um, So that was a concern for me, but it wasn't It wasn't a deal break. And so obviously because you're pregnant. So let's talk about career right. Um. As a man, I'm fortunate enough to never have to stop my career to carry a child, but you, as a woman, have

had to do it three times already. Right. Were you concerned or are you concerned about having to stop again to have a child. So it's interesting that was a major confercern for me. I want to say when I had Cairo and Kass because of course, in the very beginning with Jackson, we were still kind of establishing ourselves. I was establishing myself in my career path, my career field, um, and I felt like, okay, At, I can definitely bounce back,

have a baby and be fine. Um. And then there's the pauses that had to happen with Kiro and Kaz. But I think what saves me now in this circumstance is being able to have a career field that gives me flexibility. It gives me autonomy over my time. I don't have to necessarily leave my home to work now, and that's actually even pre pandemic. You know, we were traveling a lot, yes, for work and making appearances and speaking places and hosting events. However, um, we have a

career um path now that gives me a lot more flexibility. Yes, I can create my own content. I can kind of do my own things. So that made it a lot easier for me because I felt like I wasn't in the confines of I have to look a certain way, I have to be a certain wait to get this job. Now. Naturally, if I want to do more acting gigs and stuff like that, I'll have to take a little bit of time off to then bounce back from that. But it's

not completely stopping my professional life. So being you know, being an entrepreneur and having your own your home business as opposed to being a slave to the entertainment industry or the standards of what you have to look like in the entertainment industry, or being a slave to corporate American and have to legitimately working nine to five plus extra hours to to constantly move up. You felt like being an entrepreneur helped you feel like it was okay

to be a mom and still run your business. Absolutely, yeah, I mean you think about it a lot of the stuff that we do, and we even this podcast for example, you know, and we're in a space now where we can't necessarily go to a studio freely and we're still dealing with COVID restrictions. We just have everyone come to us now, you know, we can do it from our home.

So once the baby is here and we're filming season six, or if i'm you know, big pregnant and we're doing season six or even season seven, I don't have to worry about child care necessarily. I mean, just in this moment meant but there are a lot of different ways to maneuver, and having that flexibility made me feel like, Okay, now this is something that's actually feasible for me, and I don't have to have that mom guilt associated with leaving my child for hours, not being able to be there,

having to worry about childcare and all that. Um and also to my my career having to be put on hold. You know, I'm confident that I also too, after the baby, will be able to bounce back and you know, get back in front of the camera in whatever capacity. Um I want to, and then I feel like I'll be done.

Um I feel like I'll also too. I'll be honest in that I always wondered if I was kind of using this, I don't know if I'm going to have another baby as a scapegoat to not like go for my acting career as well, because I kind of feel like part of me felt like, well, damn, I'm going to have to stop again to have another baby, so like, why go full force? Let me wait until I'm actually officially done because everyone in a sense, I think I

definitely was. I can honestly say that, I think in a part of hard to me was just like, well, you know, damn, if I have another baby, then I'm gonna have to restart all over again. Then you have to get your name back out there again. I was just afraid of having to do all of that to then start all over again, or being forgotten in that moment.

You know how the industry is. You you go and have a baby for a year, then there's new people coming along and that they're looking for a job, you know, so you figure there's nine months to carry this baby or ten months. Then you have the whole postpartum phase and it's getting back in shape. It could be a whole daunting year and a half to two year process, depending on the personage and how hard you work, you know. Um, and then you also have the confines and the standards

of looking a certain kind of ways. So then you have women who are forced to feel like they have to crash course back into at six week check up. Okay, let me start dieting and exercising because I have to be back to film in a month or two. So they say every woman knows, like inside deep down like when they're done. I never had that feeling after cast. I always kind of felt like I could have another baby,

like I'm not completely done. So now I feel like after this child, once I have that completely done feeling, then the sky is going to be the limit for me, especially when it comes to my career, because I feel like I don't have to reset, restart, redo anything over again. I can just focus on myself, on my body, on my mental and go from there. So full transparency. Did you feel any pressure for me and me saying I want to have the baby to say, you know what,

let me just do this for Devlow? No good question, Um, I didn't. I didn't. Actually, nope, I didn't because I think on the converse side of that, you also made it very clear that you were you were content with our three boys. Were you were content with our three boys. Um. You also made it clear to me that you fully supported me a hundred and ten percent in whatever like

role what I wanted to take, UM. And also too, I know that you empowered me to make the decision for myself because you fully understand and you've seen and witnessed what it took to get all three boys here, UM, And I know that you respect that. So I never at any point felt any guilt like damn this, like I have to come on the fence about this, but I you know, because I honestly feel like as a as a as a couple, as a married couple, we

do have to have the conversation. I do want to acknowledge how you feel, UM, But I do feel like as much as it's a collective decision, you've made me feel empowered to feel like it was ultimately my decision, which I respect. So that made it easier for me to then say, you know what, I'm going to make this decision for myself and for my family and my husband, UM.

And then our boys are just freaking amazing speak of our boys, right, how much were you concerned about finances when they came to having another chap Because I remember when we had Jackson, you said, I'm not having any more kids in this apartment, like we have to we have to do better in order to provide a better lifestyle. And then we ended up having three boys in that apartment.

So do you think us moving from the apartment to l A than now having our home here where we have an a space, did that in any way make you feel like, you know what? I think I'm in a better place now to have absolutely Jackson. Um. I feel like it's funny because it was the three of us for five years, right, Um in part because we

had a traumatic birthing experience with Jackson. Um. I also think in part because we were just so in love with Jackson that time was just flying by and we were like, oh, shoot, it's about five years and it's just been the three of us, Maybe we should have another baby. But also, too early on, even before meeting you, a part of me felt like I wanted to have children and give and it would be a quality over

quantity experience. So I didn't want to have several children and not be able to provide adequately or in abundance for several children. I wanted all of my children to be able to have the same kind of lifestyle, the same kind of opportunity, not feeling that there was a deficit, and not feeling like there was a strain. With Jackson, we were hustling, Yes, we were hustling. Jackson came at a point in our lives where we were struggling in our marriage because we were newly weds. He was a

honeymoon baby. So not only were we recouping from this wedding, we were recouping from the recession. We were recouping from moving back from Michigan to moving back to Brooklyn from Michigan. There were so many scenarios that Jackson was born into that made it very stressful for us. Um. I think what saved us was Jackson in a sense, because that was like our collective, that was our collective, Like if

there's anything to fight for, it's Jackson. And he was just such a sweet, amazing kid and still is to this day that it made that much easier. Jackson saved us been in so many ways. We both were so focused on Jackson, that we lost sight of each of each other, you know what I'm saying. So we had to learn how to, you know, be what we needed to be for each other while being parents, and I think we learned that that year five of our marriage. Yeah, definitely.

So that was a lot of turmoil that we went through at that point in time. And then, Um, like I said, I just like, I'm like, we're in this apartment's we're going to outgrow it, Like I don't want to have any more children here. And then like you said, King Cairo, Um, and then kas was like being right after that, six months later, I was pregnant and I was like, well, we didn't even think about that. Um. Just to be clear, people women be concerned about the

bounce back. I don't think there was any more of a sexier time for me than right after you had given birth both times with Jackson than Cairo. And then Cass like that just likes me fluffy, y'all. He likes to be soft. And I know that there's a standard for Hollywood. I know there's a standard for Hollywood and beauty in general, and most of the time that standard is European values. You know what I'm saying, but um,

that just was not my standards. Like I I like you when you you got someffy and fluffy and lackating, got drinkie milk and you a protein. All right, brothers, A mother's breastmolk is the most nutritious, the most nutritious fluid on the planet. That's a fact. That's a whole fact um. But yeah, so yeah, so so financially, going back to your initial question, I definitely felt like with our three boys, we were hustling. We were in the apartment.

I mean, do you remember them days we would I don't remember the parties, pulling out the double stroller, laundry, groceries upstairs, up and down. It was just it was a lot, and you didn't want to have It was a lot, and it was no way. I had no desire because you never wanted to have to You only wanted to have one. In my mind, I was like, we have our one child here and then eventually we'll move, we'll get home, but us to not be unsure about

where home base would eventually be. Stuff like that. We also didn't want to uproot him and just have him gone on. That's the country with us either. Um. So yes, in the space that we're in now, I feel like we're feel more more comfortable. I feel like financially we've set ourselves up. Um where our boys you know, our set um. You know we haven't net day we have a home, um, and I don't feel the strain of that um hustle and bustle that we did back when

Jackson was born. So so how much of the family dynamic are you who came into play as far as um. You know, when you have kids, it's like when you add another child, you add a different dynamic. And I always wanted to have four kids, and that that was always mine. I didn't care at the time in college it was I wanted four boys, like that's all I said. I only make boys, said he only made boys from Earth.

So anyhow, this baby is a boy, y'all just know that he manifested that prior to this whole daughter talk, Okay, And I'm going to be clear to people, I always talked about wanting to have a daughter because my views on the world and everything has changed since the time I was in college. And um, I wanted to have a young lady to you know from from you that we could groom to be someone great and amazing. And I've been proclaiming that I wanted a daughter since you

were pregnant with cash and it didn't happen. And if you are pregnant now with a girl, I'll be excited. But if you're not pregnant with a girl, i'd be excited. Like having four boys. For me, it's just as exciting as having three boys and a girl. But I will say this publicly that I'm done having kids after this, Like I'm pregnant. You know I'm done. He's done. Four is my limit. I'm excited. So because it's funny people

say people who have multiple children. I remember even talking to a close friend of man beyond cause she was like, you have two kids, it's cool because it's like you're not out number. The game changer is three. Now you're out numbered. So she was like, you can have four, you can have five, and it won't even make a difference. Just like throw another kid in the mix and then

well they'll survive doing it. And they're doing it and their children are amazing and they're loved and they have I think when when she probably thought she didn't have enough love, then alon came more love, you know what I mean. So so yeah, I'm just excited and I feel like with all the pressures of you know, going for a girl, because naturally, when you have all you have three girls, or you have four girls, go for the boy you have. The opposite is go for that,

you know. So that's just naturally what people are going to want. That's naturally people are going to root for um. They're natural going to think that, assume that that's what you're doing this for. Um. But for me, I've seen even more so now how much of a blessing it is just to be able to carry a full term healthy baby. Absolutely absolutely, And don't cry. Come on, don't cry. It's the hormone. You'll remember the race called crop. It's coming back. I got another story, Aboulet case cry unless

you want to finish. No, let me get myself together. Get yourself together, Okay, go ahead, tell your story. So y'all know about prenatal hormones. I had a wife who was pre natal and postpartum at the same time. That's a fact. So um, I come in the house late because this is when we had just had Cairo and codeine was how pregnant with cats, and she'd be like, baby, call me when you're on your way home. So I called them on my way home. She wouldn't answer because

she was either sleep or dealing with the kids. So I get get home and I knocked on the door and she'd be standing there by the door, and I like, um, what's up baby, And she'd be like really sound like that. And I'd be like, baby, why are you crying? And you'd be like, I don't know. They flew in some tissues. Undine gets so emotional when she gets pregnant. She and it's not only crying emotions. She has angry emotions, super super happy emotions. So needless to say, y'all will have

a ton of cons can't wait. He can't wait to be documenting all of this. But my tess came from um, like I said, having a full term, healthy baby. I know people who are struggling to have just one, and I know a couple who delivered a full term baby that passed away. So the talk of wanting a particular sex of baby, to me, it's just yeah, it's like, you just want to have a healthy baby. And that's literally how I feel and that's what I'm manifesting for us,

and that's what I prayed for. End up praying for my friends who I know desperately just one and have suffered gallantless miscarriages. Um, I have spent hundreds and thousands of hours on in vitro and just can't have one baby. So my heart goes out to those people who are struggling. I understand the loss of a baby as well, having a miscarriage myself. UM. So yeah, that just makes you

want to talk about that. Yeah, it's just one of those things where I understand, um, and I do understand the gift and the blessing in being able to um bring forth a healthy baby into this world. So I see that to say, boy girl, it's all good in between kas In this pregnancy Kadein and I lost baby, and it was it was rough for you, Um, it was, it was rough for me. But it did kind of teach us, you know, the value of appreciating just life,

you know. Um, I think in part two it did make me real lies that trying to choose the sex of a baby is very trivial when you're just trying to give life, you know, give give birth and create life, and a shout out to Kariga and his wife, Yes, Felicia, they've been champions for parents who have lost when you know, there is no word in the dictionary for a parent who's lost a child, like for a child who lost a parent, they call him orphans, but there's no word

to describe it because it's almost indescribable to pain someone must feel to lose a child. So shout out to Kariga and Felicia. And they're actually expecting another baby. I saw that are and I'm so congratulations. Actually cried what I saw. I was like wow. And actually I spoke to Korea a couple of weeks ago and we're going to have him on. That definitely would be amazing to happen. We'll be able to have him and his wife for I hope, so because I'm not sure when the babies do,

it looks like she maybe do sometime soon. So depending on in season six falls in their schedule and this new baby, we will hopefully be able to get them on. Hopefully also to give them in the same space because it's such a powerful We met them at Broccoli Fest a couple of years back, made about two three years now, and um was following their journey. Um, we just she just found out she was pregnant when we met. Yeah,

and then I was following their journey. I really admired how much Kariga was just loving on her um and they were so excited to become parents and they unfortunately lost their baby girl UM right after delivery and have been speaking about the loss of a child and being angel parents. So shout out to Kariga and Felicia. We definitely want to have them on in the future. Yes, So I just want to give a huge shout out

to Karia and Felicia and baby Yes. Yes, yes, it's important that we are We sat her name because um, what I've learned about that process and being an angel parent is that the child is still here, the spirit is still here. Absolutely, And watching watching them, uh just be happy even in loss and be able to come together,

yes and just share. It was amazing to watch. It's literally I feel like whenever I watched their pages on Instagram, I feel like I'm watching them with come at you, like she's in everything that they do as she should be. So yeah, that's that's something that into perspective when you know, now I'm going to spend the next couple of months

to grow a life. I know, I know, um, and it's it's kind of it's particularly stressful, I think for a woman, just because you want to make sure that you're doing everything in your power to ensure that you are bringing forth a healthy baby. Some things are out of your control, which we naturally know. But if it means taking your prenatal vitamin, working out, things like that, like you've been on me, I've been super sick in the very beginning of this, this entire pregnancy. It's been

just lots of nausea, lots of vomiting, lots of fatigue. Um. But you have been very also rooting for me to say goody and and work out, and even on the days when I don't feel like it, you're like you, let's just go walk. Literally he was on that on that here we are. You still on my ass so forever forever, you know, you know so um so yeah.

And then the boys, I mean, it's exciting. It's an exciting time for them now too, because it's like they're about to be brothers and big brothers again, and it's going to be amazing to watch them with another baby and It's funny because I guess Cairo being an older brother and then also a younger brother, it's quite unique. Um, so he will be a big brother again. But Cas is my baby. Okay, oh boy, I'm interested to see how he's going to react. To react, He's going to say, no, no,

you want to you want to be a big brother. No, no, you want to see the baby, No, just be him. Just don't touch my plato. Cats is very possessive over his plato. Okay, to the point where Uncle Brian came by the house one day and was here chilling with us for like a week, and he's cast is at the kitchen counter playing with his plato, and Brian sit next to him eating and he's like, you know, Cats, can you go call your cousin for me, tell him

to come upstairs. And Cats looks at him and he's just like, I will, but don't touch, don't touch my plato. So yeah, it's safe to say that Cats won't be sharing at the very least I think he'll be. But he won't share. Yeah, he won't share for sure. All right, let's take a break real quick, come back and do some listening. Let us we've gotta pay some bills because, as y'all know now, we have more kids coming. So we'll pay some bills and we'll get right back to you.

All right, listen to at the time I've composed myself. I've I've gone through a couple of tissues. Oh God, Josh, don't zoom in. Okay, I'll be all the things all at one time. Okay, all the things all right, let's jump into our first listener letter. Hey, Kadeen and Devour. My name is Dianna. I have a three year old little boy with my partner of four years. The main issue I'm having is I have so much mom guilt.

Up till last year, I was in school getting a post bachelor's teaching certificate that means to my child's entire life. I've been in school, so many of my evenings i've been have been busy as well as my days because I was working full time. Right now, my son is in speech therapy because he's still not really speaking like other children his age. I feel like a large reason for that is because I'm not doing enough for him as an infant and young toddler to spark his language growth.

Because I'm just so busy with school, and I tend to him I and to let him use the tablet too much while I work or just relax after a full day of work in school. Not to mention his father, My partner spends a lot of time telling me how much of an inconvenience it was for him to spend evenings with our son alone, and how he never has

time to himself. At this point, now I'm done with school, The issue being with my partner and I arises again whenever I do do something for myself like going to get my hair or nails done while he watches our son. What do I do to combat this guilt and come

to some kind of understanding with my partner? Yeah, I mean I understand mom gil all too all too real, And I definitely had that a lot in the very beginning with Jackson because at that time, um, we were in a space where I had to work at Matt Cosmetics because I was a manager there at the time, and health insurance I got through the company, so it was imperative that I worked at the company because we need health insurance. And for that first year and a

half you were on Jackson duty. He stay at home. Dad for a good year and a half. U and I sobbed to and from work at least twice a week just because I felt like I was missing out on everything. I'll never forget them. Was it Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving? Giving? Black Friday? Jackson was too and not even too yet. He was a year or a couple of months. Actually, he wasn't even a year yet. He wasn't. Yeah, he wasn't.

He wasn't too wasn't. He was getting ready to leave, and that was one of those schedules where Macy's was doing like the extended hours, so they were open, and I remember walking kame to the door and she was crying, and I was like, what's the matter, And she was just like, I feel like the worst mom ever because I got to leave on Thanksgiving to go work. I remember looking at Yes, and I was just like, I promised, you're just gonna be the last holiday you work. Really,

that's the fact a retail so um. I was just putting that in next. I remember how guilty you felt, even though you were doing what you had to do for the family. At the time, you felt so guilty. Yeah, exactly, because I was gonna do whatever I had to do for my family. For me, it was more important to be able to make sure that we had health insurance. We had a child. I was like deval and I we could wing it, but you have a child, you

want to make sure that the insurance is in place. Um. But one thing that brought me so much, um consolation was knowing that my husband, my partner, was taking care of my son in my absence, our son in my absence. You never made me feel guilty, which it seems like her partner here is making her feel guilty about the time that he spends with his son. But you always made me feel like I have it under control, baby,

don't worry about it. But you also told me to I'm going to find a way for you to be able to cut back so that way you can then have more time at home with Jackson. That didn't take away from the complete guilt, but at least it gave

me some kind of consolation at the same time. UM, it seems like what you Dana have going on with your partner is this whole like well, I'm like, it's like a babysitting in my child situation going on here where I think your partner needs to understand that this is this is what's required, especially if y'all are working to be together, it needs to be it's it's required that you spend time with your child, but it's not

a babysitting situation. But I also think on a deeper level, he needs to understand that postpartum is very real and it and it presents itself and manifests itself in different ways. Right a lot of time, I think mom guilt may be a little bit of postpartum, and if you never get an opportunity to work through that or address it or address it, it can be three years down the line and you're still feeling the residue of not dealing

with those issues. When the baby is first born, especially for moms who have to go back to work, I think it's what they give you six months, three months, not even most some jobs the minimum is six weeks. So six weeks and now you have to have separations from your child because you have to go to work. You never deal with that, so for the next year, two years, three years, you're feeling guilty because you've never dealt with your depression that you've dealt with from postpartum.

You know what I'm saying, and now your your child, you know, is not developing fast enough, which to me, I'm not a specialist, right, but some people expect their children to do things at a certain time that they just don't do. For example, remember when Ricky was saying to me, um, she had a three year old who they thought one of my former clients, she has six children, and one of her children three years old, they thought had a speech impediment or a problem because the child

was not speaking. They took him to therapist. Speech therapist took him to everything thought she he thought she was autistic, thought she had all these issues. Randomly, one day chick just started talking and would not stop talking. Sometimes kids just don't want to do what you want them to do, and we tend to put this pressure on an autoistic them, put a label to keep up with what other kids, and you're doing something you can't do. You cannot compare.

You can't even compare your children, like children from the same to the same two people. You can't even compare them and their milestones because children do reach different mouths time, and we tend to do that sometimes either comparing each child to each other or just comparing your children to your friends kids and things like that. So that's a

good point. Yeah, you can palm. Comp that with the mom guilt and the fact that she's not getting the support she has from her partner, it's really not a good situation for that family unit because then the mom guilt turns into life guilt or girlfriend guilt, and then if he's constantly putting pressure on her, she's never gonna have something to deal with those things, and then the child is going to suffer because the child is going to feel like I'm the reason why my parents aren't

working out. So and also too, I think one bit of if you want to take away a little bit of um, like I understand that it's it's okay, It's gonna be okay, Dianna. Your child is three, You're you're hustling, you're doing school, you're working, you're doing all these things. Now, I'm sure to provide a foundation in the life for your child at three, he's not going to remember much about what's happening right from one to three, right exactly.

So like the speech therapy situation aside, he's not going to remember much of this time. So I know that we feel like, oh my goodness, how I'm trying to do the best I can. And you know, my baby at two is gonna feel like I'm not there. My baby at three is gonna feel like I'm not there. They may have moments like that, but just know that you're working towards providing a better life for your child.

So when your child is six and seven and eight and can remember mom being present or dad being present, those are the times that really really matter. Um, So if you want to find a little silver lining around this situation, just know that you do still have time for your child to feel like, wow, mom Um is really investing in me. And I think it's worth a conversation with your partner too. It's not who life whose life sucks more in this moment situation or you know

who's babysitting the child today. I feel like when you can't because you're working and you're in school, and then taking some self care time, which I think is also necessary, um, that he really needs to pick up a slack and understand too that there's nothing wrong with putting your child on the tablet like you have work to do and you have to there's some learning do learn all of our children have been able to grow their speech patterns through learning games. We got ABC Mouse, We've done the

what was the the Starfall? Like, We've done so many games on the tablet because that's the new reality. So many kids now are going to school virtually. They have tablets in all of these preschools. Now, it's old school to think that if I have my child on the tablets a bad thing. Yes, if your child is you have been horror movies, yes, But if they're working on learning games, that can help them a lot. And it helped out children a lot. All our children do very

well academically. And the mom guilt is normal. I don't feel like there's something wrong for you for having mom, and it's never gonna go away. You're gonna find something else to feel guilty about as your children grow. But communicate with your partner. Let let him know, let him know exactly what you need and what you want. You know what I'm saying, so that you can grow together. So communication is the biggest thing for sure. Good luck, Tianna.

Thanks for writing in number two. Coming to you again from Memphis, Tennessee. You too have always you must be just as the second person's listening letter there one. Now, we must have did a good job if they all right. YouTube always have thoughtful and open opinions and great advice, So I'll throw this one out there. The reason I say father quote unquote is because it feels weird to call him dad father without the quotes. My last memories of him weren't great, and that was when I was

four or five. I just remember he wasn't there for kindergarten. I'm the oldest of my mom's three and the oldest son in all. In all, he has ten kids, which I learned of when I was around twenty eight. He reached out a few times over the years, starting when I was eighteen. I never I never respond because I honestly don't know what we would talk about, like how's the weather or what you've been up to. His oldest my oldest half sister, was forty two. His youngest, I

think are instead of twin boys who should be about eight. Now. I don't hate him, I'm pretty much indifferent. I used to wonder what it'd be like having a dad in my life, but I've have so many amazing uncles and other cousins and older cousins that I feel like I don't need one. I think the way I came up is why I'm such an involved father now. So my question is, do you think I'm missing out on something

and not talking to him? Yes, talking to him by not talking to him, Yes, you feel like he's missing out on something. This is his father, right, If his father is reaching out, his father is doing the work. You have to then respond for there to be a relationship. You can't say I don't have a relationship with my father. My father's reaching out and I don't want one. I'm

not saying you have to be best friends. But there's a lot of things you can learn about the person who is responsible for giving you life, good, bad, or indifferent. But you can learn because there are certain things that are inherent that come from your your bloodline, that you need to learn about. And not for nothing. Why not? You know what I'm saying, Like, like, what do you get out of ignoring the person who's reaching out to you, who gave you life. I see no purpose in it.

If he's a toxic person who's only going to reach out to you to ask you for you know, ask you for stuff, or if he's physically abusive or mentally or emotionally abusive, that's friend. But he says he doesn't even remember and doesn't know, So why not figure out what it is sending the olive branch. You think it's worth at least engaging in conversation, even if it's the

house of weather what you've been up to. I think he's making the effort to try to be absolutely and sometimes you know in parents, mothers or fathers in their older years kind of feel like, you know, they can see that immature. So he might have seen that he you know, was at the loss not being involved in his son's life and having so many children. Maybe he's trying to kind of just extend those olive branches where

he can. This is the truth, man. You can't hold people to where they were when they made a decision that changed your life. People grow, people grow. I've learned this. Me and my patern me and my my maternal grandfather don't have a relationship. He doesn't reach out. I'm gonna reach out to him, And it hurts, yes, because that's

my maternal grandfather. But the times that I did reach out, I learned a lot about him, and I learned a lot about myself because I learned that there's certain things about him that I see in myself, and those things that I see in him that I didn't see it myself. I try not to do that so that I don't put those same traumas on my children and hopefully my children's children. So I don't have no hate for my grandfather. You know what I'm saying. I don't really know much

about him. I know that he's a stubborn dude. But not having that relationship isn't helpful at all. You know, It's just a blank space that you you try to fill in with your own narratives that you can. You feel like in the interactions that you've had with him, you felt like you weren't going to gain anything from that, so it wasn't worth pouring more into it. Um. Yeah, I feel like when I did speak to him, I learned a lot about his character. He played a lot

of the blame game. Everybody else was the problem. So when when I saw him pointing and not taking no accountability, I started to realize that I can't really learn anything from me if not really accountable. I can't relate to that like I can't and if he's not going to be accountable for anything, I'm not going to sit here and let him blame people who are not in the conversation with us, because now you're involving someone who can't explain to me why they made the decisions they're made.

But what it did teach me, what's how important it is accountability is for me when I'm dealing with my children. So when my kids check me on something, I can't then just point to somebody else. So I got to be account that we had, Yeah, and we talked about Jackson pointing out something that I was doing wrong to you, and I had to own that and say, you know what, Daddy shouldn't do that. You shouldn't do that to your brother, and I shouldn't do that to your mom. So let's

be better together. And I whenever something happens like that with accountability, I always think of my grandfather because I'm like, it seems like he never wants to be accountable, and then him not wanting to reach out to me or my kids hurt. So here you have a dad who wants to reach out and you're choosing to ignore him. Imagine you could be and the thing is you feel like you have the privilege to ignore him because he's the one reaching out. But then if he wasn't reaching out,

think about how that would feel. So if he's reaching out, use that opportunity. So there is a lesson, a lesson, however a strange the relationship is, there's a lesson in it. Yes, And if you find out he's toxic and he's bringing something negative to your life, let it go. But until you find that out, ignoring him doesn't help. That's a fact. These were some good listening letters today, I think so if you like to be featured as one of our listener let us email us at dead as Advice at

gmail dot com. Should I spell it today? That's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com. Did I do it good? You did I? You did? Our minds be better? You gotta have more. You gotta have the D E A D A S S. You know you work on it though, you know it's the right. We change it up today for you all little bit. You know I wasn't jump in the gun now all right, So time for the mom. Oh here should go with the mom for her freaking acronyms. Don't start calling it my cute. What the thing is?

We were using the palm pull out methods and now we got one on the way. So the palm didn't work, not a mom didn't work. But technically we didn't use the palm that night because the blue Light special I was in there and there was no problem at that. But this baby makes this entrance. We're gonna talk about the s d B baby. Snip them ball snip them balls them. Yep. I did see another episode and if you have another baby, I would consider consider don't even

start with that. I would consider start to tow the line. Bro. He's starting to get more than sickness now thinking about it knowing the truth to I think we should. We should let y'all know, um, because I'm sure people are gonna ask, are we going to find out where the baby is? We're not. We're not going to find out. We're gonna wait till we're gonna We're gonna find out when that baby comes makes their entrance. And I think

gets more exciting that way. As much as I'm like like itching and dying to know, um, we're gonna wait. Can the truth because my moment of truth since we brought that up. As much as I've been saying I want a daughter, I really just don't care. I'm excited to have a baby. I can't wait till the baby gets here because I know if I have a girl, she's gonna be my princess. She's gonna sit on my shoulder, and it's gonna be me and her against the world,

and then you're gonna be jealous and all that. But if I have another boy, I'm gonna thrown with the wolves over there there, let's go, and I'm just have a pack of four boys behind me. I think that would be kind of dope. I'm envisioning. Okay, say we were to have another board, right, can you imagine like me with like just four just like grown handsome young men, just like two on this side, two on that side. That would be so dope, And then of course many

would be amazing too. We're playing with house money. Are all playing with house money. And we thank you all for all the world wishes and everything because we announced a couple of days ago, so we appreciate you all. Thank you so much, Like y'all gonna help me get through this race. Car crying and all, okay, because it's been it's been a roller coaster, but I'm excited. I'm looking forward to it, and we're just praying for a happy, healthy baby, a safe pregnancy um and a smooth, pain

free delivery. So that's your moment of truth. That's what I'm praying for, that's what I'm manifesting. So well, that's gonna happen, and we're happy to take you all along with us for the journey. So thank you so much. So this is the last, This is the last episode for the so we're gonna be on a two month hiatus while Kadan gets through this second trimester. This is typically the good trimester. Typically, I'm still waiting for the morning sign. Make sure you catch up on all the

episodes season six. You already know we're gonna take you out through all of the stories in the Journey of Pregnancy in season six. So we'll see y'all in two months. Absolutely, And in the meantime, if you're looking for some Ellis content, yeah, be sure to follow us on social media at dead as the podcast as d E A D A S S T H E p O D C A S T and who are you, I am and I am devoured, And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate,

review and subscribe absolutely. Oh and catch us on YouTube stories there too. On thess is follow our our pregnancy journey on YouTube, will be documenting all the way I love y'all Jorda song. Thank you so much for listening this season, Yes, and we'll see you in season six four. Baby Dead as dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the Noorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the Podcasts and never miss a Thing