Coach Daddy Knows Best

and four kids, we've been through it all. We've loved our way through a long distance relationship, financial instability, parenthood and near death birthing experience, and the list goes on. Child After much trial and error, we have learned one essential truth. If you're looking for a healthy relationship and a fulfilling life, you have to choose service over selfishness.

So we decided to write a book about it. Our book, We Over Me, The Counterintuitive Approach to Getting Everything you Want from your relationship, discusses family, parenting, devource favorite topics, sex and intimacy, finances, and commitment with the honesty and raw truth y'all have always gotten from us dead as sex and I love talking about it. But we might not have all the answers. But what we do know is that good love takes friendship, grace, and service, and

everybody deserves some good loving, Ain't that right? Baby? We over me the counterintuitive approach to getting everything you want from your relationship available now. After coaching kids for twelve plus years at Prototype, I realized coaching your own child is completely different. Really mm hmmm, Well listen, I know they say ball is life, but you're gonna have a life outside of ball if I have something to say about it. So Hey, I'm Cadine and and we're the

ellis Is. You may know us from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important thing to mention, we're married. Yes, sir, we all. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple. That adds is the term that we say

every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Were about to take Phillow talk to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now. I'm gonna take y'all back to yesterday. Yesterday, so every other day in this house, yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean it's it's every every other day in this house. But I'm gonna go to a video that went viral of me and Jackson, So just to give some people a little

bit of context around the video. The night before the video, Jackson wanted to hang out with his friends. I said, hey, you can either work out now and not have anything to do tomorrow, or you can go hang out with your friends and then coming to morning, we wake up first thing in the morning because I have things to do. He wanted to work out, so I said, you make a choice, because I don't have time tomorrow. You're gonna have to get up early before I get up, and

then we can get out work out. And he said, no, no no, no, Dad, I want to hang out my friends. So I wake up early in the morning, I'll get you up and we work out. Cool. The next morning happens, he gets to do exactly what he wants to do tonight before the next morning comes. Next morning comes, I wake up earlier. I set my alarm clock. He doesn't set his alarm clock. Set my alarm clock, and I'm like, yo, Jack's you up. He's just like my mom. Up. He

has an attitude. I already hear the attitude in his voice. Yes, very very much, you very much you, and I say, well, before I get out of here, you owe me an hour of workout, so let's go. Let's let's do this. You said you wanted to put some shots up. It's raining outside, so we're gonna do ball handling drills and work on change of direction. He's us fine, I can sense the attitude, but I go downstairs. I still have a good attitude. I'm like, listen, I'm not going to

be on him. I'm going to focused on keeping my emotions in check. When we get downstairs, he's huffing and puffing. We were supposed to start at nine o'clock. He doesn't come downstairs. If you don't know me, you know that I live by this model. To be early is to be on time. To be on time is to be wait to be early. To be on time, To be on time is to be late. And to be late is to be forgotten. He was late, but still allow.

Its like, we're gonna get this workout in because I know it's advantageous for him to get his workout in. Ten minutes into the workout, I'm telling him to pound the ball right now. For people who are novices at basketball, there's a different between pounding the ball and slamming the ball. Pounding the ball means you stay low, you keep the ball below your waist, your hips are down, and you pound the ball into the ground to make sure you

have control over the basketball. The harder you pound the ball, the faster comes back into your hand and you have more control over it. I said, you know, Jacks, come when I was was lazy, pound the ball. He then stands up straight and starts slamming the ball from his shoulder all the way down and I said, yo, yo, stop, stop, but I deserve that, Like, like, why, what's with the attitude? He's like no. Then he proceeds to tell me that you know, he's tired, and I'm like, hey, well you

are tired. I get that, but you chose to get up in the morning because last night you got to do what you wanted to do. I gave you a choice. You chose to do what you wanted to do. Now you have to put the work in that you don't want to do. He got an attitude, He finished the workout, he cried through the workout or whatever, and the whole time I remained calm. The reason why I'm telling you this story is because two years prior to that, devout

wouldn't have remained calm. It would have been two options. Number One, I would have never set my mom Jacks wouldn't have woke up. I wouldn't to stay and started screaming right or I would have woke him up, went downstairs when the attitude started. I would have screamed and then left. And I decided to change my perspective because I started to realize that me controlling my emotions is a bigger teacher than any words I could ever tell Jackson. And it didn't matter how much I screamed in the

years prior. He really stopped listening to everything I said when he watched my body language and heard the tone of my voice. And for a long time, that's the only way I knew how to respond, or teach or coach, because that's what I did, and I got greatness out of the young men and I coached and it wasn't until I seen the tears rolled down my son's face

that I said, this is not gonna work. I'm a singing song that me and Jackson listened to every time we get ready to go to practice again because that gets him in the mood. It's the hype song. Yeah, is that whenever I take him to It's the same thing that I passed the OX. I'm like, listen, it's all you. I mean your word. Listen to what you want to listen to to get hype, because I know how it is. We're not about to work out, and

I don't want to work out. Masks needs to pull out all the stops, right, So before y'all judge me, I'm gonna be honest. We do not listen to the clean version. All right. He's a levene about twelve, he's a preteen. Pretty sure he's heard all these words before. And we'd be playing it on Max and we'll be bopping our head in the porch when we ride into the gym. Are you ready to see? If you ready ready? My PTSD started kicking. Hell yeah, my PTSD start the kicking,

so I gotta get shot the nigge out. My cars are now. I gotta ain't no city boy because I love my big but I don't mean and I don't love my host. Shout out. He's always gonna be man figure in this house from the floor. Imiss you. At least once a week, I'll be like, damn pop, like a random time. It to be something so completely random. Won't even be listening to his music. But I can't

believe Papa is going shouts. We're raised. I yo, let's take a quick break, come back in and we'll dive into that whole conversation and then of course mom's perspective inside of things. Child, Baby, Listen, it's gonna be us times four up in this bitch. I'm like bracing myself for the roller and everything. I'm about to tell you. I'm gonna be honest with you. I have conflicting thoughts and we'll get into it when we get back. All right,

sounds good, All right, we're back. We're back. So story time, baby, it's funny. In the story time you said that the reason why you took this approach with Jackson was because this was something that you did with other young men who you were, particularly your son's, but you've got great results from them, so you felt like this was the only way. But might I add that that was what

was done to you. So we think about the the aura around coaching and what it looked like for prior years and what it looks like now with just sensitivity around the way in which coaches are allowed to even speak to children, and what that looks like for you wanting to be coach dad or not wanting to be

coach dad. And the conflict that I see within your eyes every day every day in this house is because we know that you have played an elite level of sport um MVP on every team I ever played on from college to high school football, basketball, it didn't matter, it didn't matter. So you kind of feeling like, you know the way, it's like, why would I not equip my son with everything that I know? Things that I didn't know that I had to figure out on my own.

And this is just not even sports, but just in general. But we're talking sports today, So UM, go back to story time and tell us about why you're so conflicted. So the reason why I'm conflicted is because number one. Let me be clear, I know my son is not growing up the way I grew up, right. We grew up completely different and we both first born children. We both have little brothers, and I ended up having a little sister nine years later. But I was responsible for

my little brother. He was only two and a half years younger than me, and from the time I was nine and we moved to Canarsi from Flatbush, it was my responsibility to get up in the morning, help my six year old brother make his lunch for school, help him get his breakfast together. We walked to school together.

When school was over, I had to get him from class, walk home, appeared after school lunch, help him with his homework if he needed it, and be there and be responsible when my parents didn't get home until six six thirty. So that was my responsibility. Jackson doesn't have that responsibility. So for me, I feel like the level of accountability and the level of responsibility is not there because there's

no sense of urgency. So I try to manufacture that sense of urgency by holding him to a schedule, the similar schedule that I had to hold when I was his age, Like things had to get done. It was very rigid things had to get done because my parents needed me to be there in their absence. That created a sense of urgency for me and my whole life that I've always been big on on time, always been big on being on time and early. On top of that, I couldn't fail right if I messed up in school,

it was it was. It wasn't just a wag of the finger in the face, or you're such a disappointment. It was just like, you don't do anything right. Like so many times, I felt like in my life I never did things good enough for my parents that it built a chip on my shoulder that make me that

made me an overachiever and a workaholic. Being an overachiever and a workaholic and being big on the detail was being disciplined is what made me all city football player, uh Division one football player, uh NFL athlete, and now paid actor. I feel like it was those things that those core values that have driven me to be great in those things. Was that nature versus nurture? Like was it you think it's always been in you or you

think it was more learned? Because what my conflict um arises when I even look at myself right, Um, I'm like, damn.

My parents worked so hard to afford me all of the opportunities they didn't have, and then some and so much is that my mom would sometimes, I think, maybe overhelp me in situations and not from a place of detriment, but she probably thought like, I'm doing my daughter at a service if I'm doing all of this extra stuff to assist her where then when time came for me to do it on my own, it was just like, I don't really have to do it right now, or

my mom will help me do it then. So I wonder if I have that, um, and I had to kind of fend for myself a little bit more, if it would have made me a more driven person or made me have the work ethic that I sometimes feel like I need but just can't find it. I think it would have, because when I look at my brother and I look at my sister, they're not driven like I am. Because they had me, you know, me being the oldest. It was help your brother do so and so, well,

your sister got this, help your sister. So I always had this sense of urgency to help my siblings. On top of that, I always had to prove my parents wrong because in my eyes, growing up, my parents very rarely praised me. My parents weren't the type of parents that praised you for getting good grades you are supposed to. You got a ninety, okay, so you know my parents when my siblings, for example, my brother, my brother wasn't an academic person. My brother passed a class, my parents praised,

Oh my gosh, as bad as he passed. And I'll never forget my brother passed his regent with a sixty five, and my my mom grabbed him and they hugged and stuff like that. I got an eighty five in a class and my mother was just like you got poor, missing homework, and she was just on me. So that what developed in me was this chip like I was always the underdog. I was never accepted, and I used that to approach every situation as I have to be ten times better than everyone else or I won't be accepted.

So what I'm trying to do is try to build that level of intensity in my kids with without like you said, providing them with that that enabled mentality easy route. But we live differently, like both my parents had to work in order for us to make money. So I had to be home. Right, it's not the same here me, Me and Papa are here. You're here, you know, Dad comes in and out, but I'm working. But they don't ever have to worry. They don't ever got to get on the city bus and have to be adults at

eight and nine years old. You know what I'm saying. These are things that I had to do, and I appreciate my parents because it created a beast in me that's allowing me to be the person I am today. You know, I'm not like other millennials who blamed my parents for everything and be like my parents fucked me up with all this generational trauma. No, my parents created

an absolute beast. I am unyielding with my work ethic and my belief in myself because my parents stepped back and said, you gotta figure it out, like we gotta go to work, bro figure it out. And them allowing me to figure it out created someone who had a

lot of self confidence. So in me trying to step back, right, I learned over these last couple of years that because I'm used to controling everything, because since I was a kid, I controlled everything, I was trying to control my son, right, and in me trying to build a sense of urgency and a chip on his shoulder. I wasn't stepping back

at all. I was always there, So then he became used to me being there, and then he would be playing in games or something that he would be looking at who me, not be like focused on the game, like why are you looking at me? At the same time I'm screaming, So I'm like, why are you looking at me while I'm screaming? And they're saying, do you hear what I'm saying? Look at me when I'm talking to you? Like the most confusing ship ever. You know what it's like, look at your coach and this is

like he looks at the coach, looks at you. Then he's just like, what who did I look at? I've literally seen the whole thing play out. If this is where the conflict comes in. I watched an interview with Jayson Tatum and he talked about how his father was never really a dad to him. His father was always a coach, and his father used to like him him up and call him outside of his name and tell him he wasn't good enough, and telling me he wasn't good at all, and he was just like he feels

like he missed. I don't having a relationship with his father because his father was always a coach and never done right. And my thing is, it sounds like you're complaining, but you're now one of the top three players in the NBA and you played in the NBA Finals last year and you were with a hundred million dollars. So do you think your dad cares if you you weren't friends As father and son, he created a man that is living in his purpose and his legacy. That's my conflict.

It's like, do I want to be my son's friend. I don't. I want to see my son be successful, but I don't want to ever look back on my life and be like, then me and my son don't have a relationship, right. I think most successful people in so many different genres where it's not just sports but even entertainment, like when they tell their story, they usually tell the story about, if not both one parent who

was just always in their ass about something. One thing that I fear I think that I fear with my boys, um to your to your point is them being too coddled and then and then being coddled producing for young men who end up being coddled grown men and what that's going to look like. And I say that because they're in a unique situation unlike you or I had. What kind of me because growing up my parents work.

My mom pretty much had a flexible schedule, but she worked during the day and my father worked at night. So I had one or the other parents typically home, and if I didn't, there were grandparents to step in. But even something as simple as when my kids, our kids come home from school and it's like, Mom, I want a bagel, Mom, I want to help juice, it's like, go get it, go and get it, because they're so accustomed to their grandparents stepping in, which they should be,

because you want our kids. We want our kids to have a great relationship with their grandparents where they feel like, wow, Mimi and Papa Nan and Papa Scoop were here for us and they did all these different things. But it's unique when they live with them, and it's a constant asking of someone to do something for you, so so many times a val and I have to intervene and it's just like, no, let them do this on their own, because they're fully capable of it. And if they're not

capable of it, they're going to have to learn. And it's just like building little moments of I can't even call it adversity, but it's just doing for themselves, which I think will spill over into sports, little spill into their school work and how they tend to um navigate life. Well. There's a saying that says tough times create strong men. Strong men create easy times. Easy times create weak men.

Weak men create tough times. There's also another saying that it's hard to find a great man that's the son of a great man. And if you think about the parable, I just said, that's the reason. And I look at the way my life is right. And my father has been talking to us about ascensions since we were young. Our grandfather a created my father. But there was a ton of adversity during the time when they were growing up, civil rights move There are a lot of things going on.

Um They first, my great my grandfather grew up during the Depression, so he had to learn through things and had to learn how to be a factory worker. And then my parents grew up during the Civil rights movement, and my parents had us grow through the eighties and nineties the crack epidemic, right, but now we have the pandemic. But when I look at my family life, we've ascended every generation to the point now where there's no hardship for these kids. Right. I asked my son, which car

you want to take to go to practice. Cairo goes of the Porsche. I never had that option in my life, all right. Like, first of all, none of meither one of my parents have ever been to a practice of mine. From the time I was a child up until an adult, my parents didn't have time to go to practice. My parents were both working, and then during the weekend, my

parents were not running us to practices. Go to practice, get on the bus and figure it out, or they would drop us to practice and go do what they had to do. Both my parents were big in the church. But our children, I don't only just drop them to practice. I stay and watch and I end up coaching because a lot of the parents find out, oh, he was a professional athlete, he can help in some way, shape or for him. And when it was football, it was football,

and now that's basketball. They asked me to help. I just I don't want my sons, like you said, to grow up to be coddled, entitled little humans that don't understand what adversity is and not reach their potential because they've never had to face adversity throughout their life. So then I'm like, maybe I should be the adversity, right, I don't want. I don't care if my son's like me. It's gonna sound crazy, right. I want my sons to

respect me and want them to love me. They don't have to like me because I'm not trying to be their friends. I have friends. You're my friend, You're my best friend. I have you, right, I have the whole podcast grew to be friends. You know what I'm saying. I don't need a little adolescent, pretty adolescent person to be my friend. I need you to be great and

whatever it is. And that's where the conflict comes. If I create the adversity for them, then I become the bad guy and then they won't understand it until later on in life. So a lot of times with me, from my perspective, looking at you and Jackson's relationship or just even looking at him as a person and even our other boys, Um, you can tell there's something innate

in each child. Right, So Jackson and it's funny how kids tend to um take some of the best and worst qualities of both individuals, and then you see and it's just like them. There's so much like And you've said to me in many instances, like I can I can deal with Jackson because Jackson so much like you, and I've been dealing with you for twenty years, so it's almost like dealing with a little version of you. And I'm not necessarily going to say that I'm proud of.

Some of the tabbits that he has are ones that I to this day continue to struggle with as an adult. But what I can do as a mom because we're also very purposeful about being the united front that we should be for the children, so it's not going to be me versus you, at least in front of them. UM. I try to make sure that I do support whatever it is that you are doing, or whatever you're trying to implement that moment or whether the lesson. Maybe I try to make sure that I back you on that.

But I also like to also be mom in that I can be that comfort and that support system where I can follow up with him and just say, hey, you know what Daddy meant by X y Z, you know, and sometimes as a child, you don't want to hear. You know, Daddy just wants the best for you. And you know that's why Daddy's doing this. He doesn't want to hear that. So the approach that take um maybe unbeknown to you because I don't always tell you about

every conversation Jackson I have. But what I try to do is bring it back to me and say, Jackson, listen, a lot of the qualities that Daddy is referring to, Mommy deals with them too, and I'm trying to overcome that. And here's how I'm trying to do it. So I want you to help hold me accountable by if I say, yo, I'm a being the gym in I'm gonna keep myself accountable and do everything I'm said I want to do, you have to call me out when I'm not doing that. So I said, can we make a deal that will

hold each other accountable? So it's a it's a style stepping that we take as parents that I think is necessary because some parents feel like they don't want to stole step with their children. When I say goals and that's it. But we take the approach where we feel like our children require and they deserve to have different approaches taken if some approach is not working. So I like that we were able to do that and kind

of tag team as parents. UM I do get concerned sometimes, like you know, he has this practice, that practice, that practice he is also he has coding, he has debate team, he has so many different things because we want to make sure he's well rounded. So I just never want there to be a burnout or I never want there to be an resentment where he feels like, damn, the only way I can relate to Dad is in this

sports environment because that's really what he wants me to do. Um. So it's always a constant touch base that we take with him to make sure that this is genuinely what he wants to do and he's having fun right well. I mean, the biggest thing is he doesn't play any sports that he doesn't want to play. I never give him a ball and say you're gonna play this. He comes to me and say, hey, Dad, like this year,

I want to play football. I never talked to him about playing football after the running gades in Brooklyn and he said don't want to play football there, fine, because I stopped playing football at eight and I don't want to play anymo one and I end up playing in the NFL, which to me was proof enough that you don't have to play football your whole life in order to make it to the highest level. But I will say this, right, and this is um the difference between

you and Jackson even having the same personality. You guys do have the same personality. And what will save you and help you with your personality or your personality trait that you have to be pushed is that you married someone who doesn't mind pushing you, and we work together. When you don't feel like getting up, I'm like, yo, get up, let's go. Jackson is going to be a man. He's gonna be a young man, and he can't rely on a woman to be like, hey, you need to

get up and go be a man. He has to stand up and be a man on his own so he could be there for his family in the case that his family can't, you know, can't do the things that they need to do. For example, say he has a wife who who can't go back to work. He can't just sit back and back well, I'm gonna go to work when I want to. That's not he can't do that. Your wife is having children, Like somebody has to work while your wife is bearing children and carrying children.

And I feel like for young boys especially, we have to learn the balance right. And this is something I learned, And this is gonna be key, did I. This is gonna be a key that I give to a lot of young men, right. Like I said, I mentored and I coached for twelve years. I screamed, I cursed hollid um. Sometimes we got physical, pushed them, like physically push them like let's go, like you know the raw, let's go.

You push them, hype like we've been there with the kids, you know, make them do push ups, make them run, make them do sprints. And all of our kids left prototype feeling inspired, a feeling empowered, but feeling challenged. I do realize now, though, that I could be that person to those because they could leave the gym and go sit in the car with their father and then vent to their father how much they didn't like coach the val or they didn't have a dad in their life.

Because the majority of the kids that you mentor, yeah, we're single mom households, so they probably craved having that. It might have been a love hate relationships. They hated coach the back like they felt like, all right, this guy, I love him, but I hate him at the same time. T J is a prime example. We were just talking to t J, and t J literally like our son, and he knows that he is grown to love you so much over the years because he's like man, somebody

was actually really invested in me. But that's also the dynamic when I looked at when I when I think back at those times, I honestly didn't care what those young men and young women thought of me. They weren't my clients. Their parents were my clients. Their parents are the one who paid for the service. When I spoke to these young people, I always spoke to them and

their parents. Asked the young people to leave, and I spoke to the parents about what I required as a coach from them for us as a team to get their child to the highest level. And some people didn't take to it. People chose to leave something like this is too intense, right. What I'm realizing now is that the fact that I could, I could like disconnect from that I don't care if these children like me because they're not even my client. That you can't it's not

the same disconnect. I can say as much as I want, I don't care how much my sons like me. But when I come in the house and I don't get love from my sons, if they don't hug me and stuff, I'm like, yo, yo, what's what's up? Like it hurts, It hurts, and the conflict comes its like do I want to deal with this pain now so that I

can raise great children? Like as much as people want to complain about LaVar Ball, complain about Michael Joe Jackson, they complain about those men created great human beings, not just young men. They created young men and young women through adversity, through trials, you know what I'm saying, Through a lot of constant pressure, because the pressure is at home, created greatness on the outside world. But there's one thing I learned from watching the uh King Richard's story. Richard

was not gonna let anyone else pressure his daughters. He did everything on his own terms, and he always said to them, the minute you're not having fun, you're not playing anymore. If you notice I do that with Jackson. Did you have fun? You have to did you have fun? Did you have fun? Because I will see Jackson will get out of practice and his instant instinct is to come to you and tell him all the things that he did well. He'll even say if I didn't have

a good practice. But it's almost like he feels like he needs to touch base with you to let you know how things transpired her and practice, to kind of get your approval right. Um, But you know how I'll tell you. I realize you're doing a good job at balancing as much as you're you're very hard on yourself more often, and I know we constantly have touch basis about that. You say, do you think I did too much? Or was I yelling too much at the game or

so we do have constant touch basis about that. But what I can observe, um, and this just happened recently, to let you know that you are doing the right thing at least I think, is when Jackson, for example, you were hollering and screaming about something after a practice, he said in the car with him and Jackson. Of course, you know I was feeling kind of probably beat down in that moment, and he came inside the house. You came inside the house, you went down to workout in

the gym. He was upstairs having dinner or whatever, and then he came downstairs to check on you. And most kids, most kids, after being you know, either scolded or reprimanded or just you know, appearing getting in their ass, they might just want to stay away from them, like, Yo, I'm just gonna have my dinner, take my shower, and go to bed. I may or may not say good night, like that's just it. But Jackson came out and stairs to check on you and then said to you, well,

I won't tell the story, but you can tell. But that's what think about it. Man. I did crying that moment you did, because I was on the treadmor when he came downstairs, and he's just like, yo, you're good, bro, this is good. Bro. I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. Why And it's just then now you've seen he goes. You just seemed upset in the car, and I said I was a little upset, and he was like, well, I thought I had a good practice. I said, you did

have a good practice. I said, some of the things that I have issues with, you have nothing to do with basketball. You know. Some of it is just communication, you know, some of your life stuff. You know, how how are you going to communicate as as a man? You know? Um? And he said to me, I said why, you know what? How did you know I was upset

in the car? And he was like, well, I could tell you was upset because you know, you started screaming and I hate when you start cursing, right, And I said, well, I didn't curse that you and he said, no, you didn't curse at me, but I can tell when you start cursing that you're upset. And he said to me, I think you can control your emotions better in that situation. Mhm. And here's the thing. Though I didn't get upset, my

ego wasn't bruised. I broke down and started crying because my son is exercising emotional intelligence and he felt empowered enough to tell me what he felt and what I could do better. That made me so touched, because I'm like, no one's ever gonna be able to take advantage of my son. Oh h, you have no idea what it's like to send your son out to be coached or trained or taught by other people, and you just don't want anybody else to be to take advantage of your son,

you know. And Jackson is an EmPATH, so he cares a lot about other people and he always wants other people to be okay. And I never want people to take advantage of any of my kids. So the fact that he felt empowered to say to his father, like, I think you could have controlled yourself better in that situation was just like but you know how many parents would have taken that as disrespect, Like how do you

say that to me? And it just is a testimony to what you're doing as a father, I'm doing as a mother, as a parent, Like that's like a for me at least, And people may not agree with that, but for me, that was like a pat yourself on the back kind of moment because he felt safe enough and he felt confident enough to come to you and say, hey, dad,

let's touch base after we had a disagreement. You know how many adults can't even do that ship You know how many adults have disagreements and can't even muster up the goal to say, you know what, I'm going to confront this person and say let me touch base with him and see they're okay, especially when you were the

one that was, you know, getting on him. And but that just goes to show how much of an empathy is that he wants to make sure that you were okay because he's like, man, Dad, you kind of lost it in that moment. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay, because you know, it's no hard feelings. And he literally follows you around the rest of the night like your shadow did. He followed me around the rest of the night. You want to make sure I was okay. But then he also, um he always does

because I did this before. We had this conversation before, and he was just like it's okay, Like he was like it's okay, like like reminding me like that you don't have to be perfect. Yeah, But what that also means to me is like because I said to him, I say, yo, bro, I've never been a father before.

You're the first son. I'm gonna make mistakes. Please give me grace during this coaching, says, because I'm going to make mistakes and I need you to hold me accountable and be like your dad, like you could have definitely handled that better, but but like you said, feel safe saying it. And and what has every coach that Jackson's had so far, even other teammates, parents, teachers always come to us and say, man, he is just a good kid. He's respectful, yes, ma'am, no sir, um, you know we'll

take direction. Well, he just he checks out for his teammates. Um. Just the other day, my mom said that there's these like energy, like these sports taijastion drinks that he likes now. So I bought a case of it, but they were hard to find because it seems like a lot of people are like in this particular drink now and I couldn't find the case. And I found one case on Amazon. It was a little pricey, but I was like, all right, if he really loves it, I want to get it

because it must be something about this drink. So I got a case of it, put him in the fridge for him, and said, yo, when you go to practice whatever, take when and go. So him Cairo kind of started to drink a couple of it too. So my mom says she packs his lunch for school, and she's like, I'm not snitching, because you know made me know about snitches.

You don't do that here, right, So you say, well, I'm not snitching, but I just don't want to tell you a little something about what Jackson did for two mornings in a row. So I said, what was it. She said, his lunch box was packed, his backpack and everything.

And then she sees right before he's rushing out the door to school that you runs into the garage and he has something in this hoodie and she's just like, well, first of all, we don't do sneaky, So if you're sneaking something while you're sneaking, so just be honest about what it is. So the first day he said, oh, no, I just got a little drink my friend wanted to try. So my mom was like, okay, that's fine. You know,

you take a drink for your friend, it's okay. Just make sure that you know then allergic or anything, but just you know, taking it, that's okay. And then the next day he's taking another drink for another friend. So I'm like, Jackson would totally be the kid where if somebody like was at school and didn't have lunch or didn't like the lunch, he'd be like sharing lunch with them, right. So the next day, He's given to another drink. So she said, you know, Jack's, if you keep giving what

your drinks, you're not gonna have anymore, you know. And Mom said they were hard to find and they were a little expensive and stuff, and he was just like, it's all right, I'll go without if they can try it. And I'm just like, you know, in those moments, So you and I, um, well, you were away um to do the Sherry Shepherd's show, and he and I had a lot of time to bond. So where you used to be, you know, uber dad trucking here from practice

to practice and everything. I took him to get his here, braided took him and everything, so very similarly to what you did. I use those moments in the car just to talk to him too. So we were talking about you know, ball and everything. We're talking about all his activities that he's juggling. And I said to him, I'm like, yo, I said, you're doing a really great job balancing all of this. His report card just came home stellar grades is overall average is like a ninety five, you know,

just doing so well. So I wanted to reiterate how product was of him, and just to let him know, like, listen, you deserve too if you ever have, you know, a moment where you need a mental health day and you're like, yo, Mama, this has been a lot because he's juggling so many things. You have to let me know. And I said, concurrently with that, I need you to let me know if there's something that to do more or less of as a mom. And I said, you know, this is my

first time. You're our first son, so much like Daddy has told you, you know, we don't have all the answers. We're trying to figure things out, but we want you to always feel comfortable, whether it's me or Dad or both of us. So you can just say, hey, Mom, like you know you didn't do this or that's when

we talked about accountability and all that. So I just love that I can have these conversations with my eleven year old who has the spirit of an old soul, you know, but just conducts himself so much better than even some adults that I that I know, you know, And I think a lot of that is just innate in him. I mean I don't think it's innate. I think he has to be taught that I think It's a lot of conversations we have. But I also think

it's the accountability of the parents. Like even even being a coach slash dad, I get upset when coaches try to sometimes tell a dad like Dad, you need to back up. Yeah, I know, I need to back up. But this is more than basketball for me, Like, this is my son, and when I'm teaching my son, I'm teaching my son life skills at all time. So you're trying to win a game. I get that again, you're trying to win a game, but in this moment, I don't give a ship about your game or your team.

My son has to leave from here and still exist as a person in society. So a lot of times when you see fathers or even moms who have to play the role of coach as well, they're not just coaching their child to be the best player on that team in that moment for that game. They're coaching their child for life. So a lot of times, and this is where I think a lot more of the outside world doesn't understand where the parent is coming from. I could give a ship if Jackson plays in the NBA

or the NFL. I want to create a super productive human that will be successful in any facet of life of what he chooses to do. Sports is just a vehicle to teach those lessons. So sometimes when people think parents are being overbearing because the parent wants them to play in the NBA, I don't care. Like I don't. I also speak to other parents who are doing well who are just like I don't care if my son goes and plays college, Like we have a fund where the college is going to be paid for. But I

want my son to be detail oriented. I want my daughter to have a sense of urgency. I want my child to to learn to compete and have great sportsmanship, and you learn that through sports. And a lot of times parents say trust the coach and say I'm gonna trust the coach, and just especially if they are athletes, I'm gonna trust the coach and trust that the coach

is gonna do the right thing. But as a as a parent who's played sports at the highest level, it's hardest for us to watch you be a detriment and not a benefit to our child. Right when you look at some of these things here facts and stats. According to a two thousand fifteen Coach Up survey, coaches said they see parents yell at their kids referees during games, setting an example of poor sportsmanship for their young athletes. That will still what that will stay with them long

after the game ends. I'm part of what I will do is call out of Like the last game he played, that other team was traveling so much. I thought they's about to catch a flight. So I said, why are you you not making the calls? You know and and and you know what the ref said. No, you gotta stay what the ref said, so so people can understand why the parents get upset. The ref said to us, and we weren't screaming. The ref was sort of kicking and three other dads in this we were jumping around,

just like ref, man, you're not gonna call that. And he's like, look, we got an hour for this game. If we call every call, it's gonna be we're gonna be here longer, and we have things we want to do the playoff games later. And my thing is like, listen, I understand what you're saying, but now you're making your personal life more important than this game. You're teaching the

other team that they can get away with stuff. Plus our treachs are starting to feel like they're being treated unfairly, Like how are you picking and choosing when you want to make the call against which team? Breath? Right? You know I'd be ready to fight. Let me listen. Okay, I'll be a row on one to these games sometime, y'all because a boy this football. Now I'm starting to

learn more about basketball and everything I am. It's just it's tough to watch sometimes because for the ref in that moment, who just thinks it's just a little leving, leving your own game. For these kids, they that sits with them. Jackson will lose a game and then come

home and be like, oh my god, what I do wrong? Differently, they dissect and he wants to see film and he wants to better, and which is cool because you want him to be able to learn from whatever mistakes that he may not to say that he's, you know, the star player all the time. But at the same time too, it's like, how do you continue to build sportsmanship? Yes, but also too we know as adults how should is just not always fair? Well, this is what I've learned

in those times. This is what I took for the last game, right, he got filed at least four times on shots. It was very clear that this is sixth grade basketball. Some people have different standards of excellence for sixth grade basketball, right. Some people be like, hey, it's just fun, it's red ball. Let the kids learn. Right, Jackson plays a high level of sixth grade basketball. He plays AU so he's extremely skilled. I've watched other uh

reveries say, well, that kid is skilled. So if the kid he's playing isn't as skilled to even the playing field, I'm not going to call as many calls on the other kids. So the Jackson's looking at me like that that's not a file. How they follow me. I've taught him to say, listen, bro, you can only control what's in your power. Control what you can control, make the shots you take. You know what I'm saying. Try not to touch him at all on defense. If you lose

a game, remember this, it's sixth grade basketball. Fact. There's so much more going on in the world. When you get to high school. If you lose a game, it's high school basketball. When you get to college, it's when you play in the NBA. It's just basketball. You're not carrying cancer. You know what I'm saying, you're not solving any long term illness, you know, disease or anything. You're

playing basketball. If you keep it into perspective that it's just basketball and always have fun regardless of whether you win or lose, and always trying to win. Sometimes you're just not gonna win. I'm a Warriors fan, Okay, I'm a Warriors fan. I love the Warriors. In two thousand and fifteen, Lebron James was the best basketball player on the court during the Finals. I think he averaged thirty five in a triple double. He let in every statistical category,

and his team lost. That doesn't take away the fact that he was great and it's still the greatest basketball player, but his team lost. I said, Jack's sometimes you're gonna play phenomenal lights out and you're gonna lose. You're going to have to learn how to deal with those losses period. So sometimes sometimes you like I remember when Jackson started getting better at basketball, team started to win a little bit, he was feeling himself, and I remember saying something, I

hope he loses soon if he keeps winning. Most children, most people, once they tart to reach a certain level of success and they feel like I've arrived. It stops the work. So for me, it was like, I need to take a couple of losses because in the moment where it counts, that may not be at your best. And then what then what? Back to fact and youth sports coaches say most parents play too much emphasis on

their child winning games. I can see that the coaches wanting them to win too though, but winning does matter because when child lose over and over again, they start to feel like, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of losing. Who wants to lose all the time, no one. No one wants to lose all the time. And and winning promotes a higher level of work ethic. That's what people don't understand. When you're working towards the goal and you can see the benefits of the work,

you're more entitled to work. That's why I can't subscribe to the whole like everybody gets a trophy, everybody gets a person where nobody really wins. We're just playing for fun. There are moments when yes, you would be playing for fun, but there's times when no, we're playing to win. Let's just be real about because life is a game you can't just you can't live life and be like, hey man, I'll just hate Listen. I know my mortgages do. But I'm out here. I'm just float. I'm just gonna float.

I'm gonna living for fun, so I'm gonna get you the money when I get No, that's not how the world works. No, people be living like that. But listen, that's a lot of stress. Eighty percent of coaches say that the best way for a parent to help their child play better is to not give instructions during the game.

Devout fails this every single game. Remember there was one game where that I think Jackson had a bit like dolls, like daddy, if I gave you twenty dollars, if you don't say nothing the whole game to my In my defense, i'm quiet when the coach has showed me that I

can trust their instruction. If I notice that you're not helping and my son looks confused and he's getting his ass kicked by another team that is nowhere nearest talented as him or his team, and you don't even care because you have nothing invested in these children, I'm going to start instruction. I'm going to start instruction from the parental side. I'll be with the y'all. Okay, let's sit next to me again with all the say the best way for parents to help their child is to remain

completely silent during the game. We'll see it depends Jackson. Jackson has told me a couple of times he has looked at me and been like this a couple of times. He's easy brother than me. He's easy brother me. But there's also times in the game we'll be going on, he'd be looking at me like he's confused, he's confused, and I'm just like, this is what you know. And that comes from also us as parents having discernment of

who we're gonna allow to coach our children. That's also a fact if you don't feel like that that particular team or coaches of service to your child and helping them get better, do what you gotta do. Coaches say coaching their youth athlete can strain a parents relationship with their child. So this is another reason why you said you don't want to be coached on the team for

this reason. Never And and I've also seen when I was watching King Richard also other parents that I've I've had some great men who have entrusted me with their children because they saw the value in my teachings, and when they brought their children to me, they left their children and went because they trusted me. So it's important to know as a parent that when you trust somebody, don't undermine their word. But constantly over talking the coach.

You have to say, you know what, I chose this person. I trust the person. Let me give them and that's what that's what I've been looking for. For example, with j Cole Jay, I've known Ja since we were pret lessons, Like we grew up together in can He played basketball at a higher level and I did. When he comes to take Jackson, it's just like, you know, I'm not even going to the gym, y'all go. I don't even want to be a part of it. And the funny thing is the other dads, like you know, Jackson plays

better when you're not here. He said, yeah, I know, when Jay's here to actually give him instruction other than the coach that's sitting there doing nothing. You know, for me, I don't want to coach him. I'm smart enough to know what I don't know and know that I can't get him to the highest level the same way, and King Richard he was like, I gotta take my girls to someone else to coach them. But he that never stopped him from stopping the coach. But listen, you know tennis,

you don't know my daughters. And that's one thing I took away from that movie was that he never let those tennis pros, who told all the pros and their knowledge of the game take away from his knowledge of his daughters. And they kept saying like, well, they need to play in this tournament. And then she was like, He's like, they're not ready and they won't do it because there's no cookie what cut her way to teach any child, every child. It's like a classroom, having a

classroom for the students. You got your children who learned three different ways. Like nothing is cookie cut and nothing is gonna work for that one person all the time. But what I will say it is it is on the parents to kind of vet that team, vet that coach, and Okay, you're gonna vet someone who's an expert in this particular field, and you should feel comfortable with whoever you have, you know, giving your kid any kind of instructions.

That's what we tried to do at least as parents, so to to tie it all back to where we started and you even talking about the video that you did with Jackson. First of all, once will make it clear that as Jackson gets older, we're very particular about how we share him what we share. So Jackson was aware that that particular video would be shared, and he said to you after the fact that he realized how much of a lesson that video was to so many people.

So whereas we had some people who were concerned about, oh, you know, you shouldn't be doing this on social media with your kids, right, and he'll be made fun of, he actually came home and talked about two or three kids that was just like, yo, bro, I saw the vigere your dad. Damn man. That was like, that was cool, that was touching, and then he felt like, man, I'm somebody, and that made him feel even better about it. Heally

gave you the okay for that. Always I know there's nothing Once Jackson became I think eight, and he started to realize that kids in his school were watching our videos. I was like, bro, if you don't ever want to me to post the video or something, you can let me know, and I won't post it. Remember, in the last couple of years, a lot more people have been saying, you know, I missed the kids. You know why we

don't see the kids as much. It's because every video we record, I'm like, hey, do you want to post this? And if they're not feeling it, they just like nah. I Like, there's like I don't really want to post that, So I'm like cool. That video, in particular, it was supposed to be a workout video because Jackson has been getting better. He's been working on his right hand and his left hand, and also j Cole wasn't going to be here this weekend, so I was like, yo, I'm

gonna record these videos show Cole. So when I started recording and then he started acting up, I would just started talking to him and then me having a phone in my hand for the past six years, I'm just used to doing it. So when I'm recording, i'm recording, I'm having the conversation bat Man Man Man bad. I

get done and I'm just like, my damn. That was That was an interesting video, mainly because I think it was two videos before that I had posted how proud I was of him and showing his moves and how flashy he was, and I was like, you know, there's a lot of these au dads who only show the glitz and glamor of their of their sons and their relationship. They don't show a little bit of the turmoil that goes on when the dad and the sun butt heads. So I said, you know what, if Jackson's all right,

I'm a poster. So I cut it. I put my Devoce Shroe for the end of it. I said, Jack's take a look at this video. We watched the full ten minute video. I said, how do you feel about this video? And he asked me, said what do you think people are gonna get from it? And I explained to him, I said, you know, you watch all of these kids. You watch Mel Mel, you watched Brownie growing up, you watched Mike, you watched all of these kids. You watched their highlights. Have you ever seen them struggle with

their dad go through a workout? Do you ever wonder if they've ever had a moment in their life when they didn't want to work out and the dad made them work out? And he was like, yeah, because sometimes I feel like, dang, if I don't want to work out every day like them. Maybe I'm not good enough. Think about when he met Seth Curry recently shout out to Seth. It was after a Hawks on Net game and we went back and we got to see Kyrie and in a couple of them, and you asked, Steff.

You were like, I mean, Seth, you were like, how many shots you gotta put up? And they said five hundred makes a day? And then I've seen Jackson, then I gotta I have to want to do five And that's the key word. He says, I have to want to do five hundred makes a day in order to make it to the NBA. And I explained to him, I said, no, he didn't say he wanted to. He said he did, which means it was a lot of

days where he probably didn't want to. And his dad said, you want to be great, you gotta go do these. And I said, I would put this out here to show people that even when you didn't want to, you still completed the workout. You might have cried through it, you might have been piste off, he was upset at me, but you finished, and which that showing people is that you don't always have to do something in order to do it because it needs to be done, and he said,

I wonder how many kids? And then he went back to cool after that, and he got a couple of buddies that go the same middle school to him, and they were just like, yo, I'll be feeling the same way. My daddy tells me I have to do something and I don't even want to do it, and then we get into arguments. But it's like you and your dad go through that too, And they look up to Jackson,

like I said. He was m VP of offensive Player of his football team best offensive played his football team this past four He won m VP of his fifth grade team last year, so in their minds, Jackson is the guy. So to hear, Jackson said he didn't feel like it and he still had to do it. They were like, okay, so when my dad makes me do it, I don't feel like I'm not gonna make it because I don't want to do it. So it's amazing. Was excited about that. It's amazing how our children can teach

us things and inspire us. Like it almost makes me emotional not thinking about it because I'm like ship, there's so many times when I don't feel like doing it. I don't like everyone knows that I hate working out, but I love the results of it. In these days, I don't want to do it. Like I know when we finished recording this podcast that I was really like

time trying to go to the Jim talking about it. Lord, you go asking me out of the the gym, But I think about Jackson getting up and going to the gym. Get you got the church rock going on yet, But it's just like man, like I cannot let my children down and I can't let my husband down. I can't like at this point now, I'm doing this for like life, I'm doing this for health like vanity, like we're doing trying to live long and have healthy lives with these kids.

Like you know, I'm trying to be there for every game, you know, be there for every practice, like like you know, your parents couldn't be there for everything. My parents couldn't be there for everything. But we're trying to be there and be present. So, UM, I don't know if you want to enclose and share that you had to have a conversation with someone who's reached out to you. Um, this is somebody who's a you know supporter reached out about video. It was a very interesting and you know what,

I want to use? How many listening letters we got to pretty much. I've been on a kick recently where when people DM me, if the Lord says to me, this is someone you need to have a conversation with, tell to call you. And it was. It was a young woman. She went to a profile. She had a couple of kids. She follows us. She's said, um, we get it, your parents, this video needs to come down now. And I said, yo, give me a call. She said really. I gave him my phone number and she called me.

And this ain't the first person like I've done this a couple of times, a couple of debates that people have had on social media. And I asked, I asked her for her opinion, right, and she gave me her opinion. And the first thing she said was, well, when your son goes back to school and everyone's making fun of him, what are you going to say to him then? And I said, well, this is the first thing man, right, I'm teaching my son to move in life in a

way where he's not concerned with other people. Think that's number one. If every concern is what everyone else thinks. I'm already teaching him the wrong thing. That's number one. Number two, with all due respect, right, how were your children doing academically? She's like, what you mean? I said, just want to know how are your How are your children doing academically? They're doing okay, I said, okay, so

my sons are doing extremely well academically. Both of them who are getting actual grades have plus ninety five averages because we require of them way more than just the status quo. I don't exist in a life of just the status quo. I live in abundance because I want to share. You know, I do things at an exceptional level because I've always been pushed to be exceptional. Why would I listen to someone who just does stuff just to do it, without any purpose or reason? And she

got quiet, and I said, I'm trying. I'm being respectful, but you're trying to give me advice that I didn't solicit. I didn't ask for your advice. You're trying to give me advice. But I want to know why would I listen to you? Why should I listen to you? What have you done in your life that has been exceptional that I should say, I'm gonna listen to her, and

if you can tell me something, I'll listen. Because I want my children to be exceptional, exceptional parents, exceptional husbands, exceptional leaders, exceptional CEOs, and if they happen to be exceptional pro athletes, they can be exceptional pro athletes. But the only way that's going to happen is if I push them. And on top of that, the only way that's going to work in this world is if I

teach them not to care what other people think. You're telling me to take it down, because I should be teaching my son to care about what other people think. And she said, I never thought about it that way. And I said, this, man, is why I didn't want to have a text argument to go back and forth in d M S, because I want you to understand my perspective. Right, I live in abundance, and I feel like God has only blessed my wife and not to live in abundance because we have a responsibility to share,

not just financially. Financially because we do that, but we also have to share how we've been able to reach this level of success, and that means you make yourself vulnerable to people and people are gonna have their own opinions about what you do when what you say. Quite frankly, ma'am, I don't care what people think. I want people. I just want to share. And if it inspires you and say I never want to live like that, I at

least inspired you to make a choice. If I inspired you to say I want to live just like that, I inspired you to make a choice. But it's not up to me to decide how you make the choice of what I shared. The same way it's not up to you to tell me what to share. You understand what I'm saying that I completely as somebody who was raised to always think about what people think or worry

about what people have to say. It's been so refreshing to me to exist in the space that's completely opposite, where I can pick and choose what I want to share, and then people take it or leave it. You rock with me or you don't. It'll make me no never mind. I at least can sleep at night knowing that I'm living truthfully and who I am and existing in that space. And we teach our kids that that's all we can teach them, So trust me, I was in full support

of it. And it was very interesting when you told me that you had that. You know, first of all, I was what you gave me convers she's ready to go hand like why do you give your phone? That's interesting? No other reason though that Then I was just like this, just like what No, Because I felt like she had children she could learn, and if she had something that she could tell me, I wanted want to learn to because that's what they were never opposed to learning that.

I don't believe that's sure that my way or our way is the only only way. This is just the way that works for me, and I want to share it. And I try to tell people a lot of times, your parenting style is very similar to the religion you believe in. Right, you could be Islamic, you could be Christian,

you can be Jewish, you could be Buddhist. If if your belief system and your religious beliefs lead you to a place of prosperity and peace and a greater person for humanity, I applore whatever you believe in to get you there. Just because you choose something different than me doesn't mean that you're my enemy. It's the same thing with parenting. Your parenting style may be different than mine. You know, my enemy, your your your sexual beliefs or how you want to live your lives may be different

than mine. You I'm we're monogamous. You may be polamous. That's your choice, you know what I'm saying. You may believe in polyamory, you may be homosexual, you may be transit all of these different things if they lead you to a greater sense of humanity and it works for you, and you're not causing no harm to anyone else, that's a fact. Share do what you want to do. Can't

afforce your beliefs on other people. The problem arises usually when people don't feel comfortable living in those spaces, true absolutely, and then they feel like they have a facade. Then there's regret, and then there's malice, and then there's just overall sadness. And we ain't promoting that over here. So um so, yeah, that's trying to be a good little conversation made us both a little emotional trying to hold

it cople of times. I know they do. I think it's because we're just so invested in trying to make sure that we are you know, we ain't damaging these goods because sometimes I feel like they chose us for a reason, so we're just trying to do right by them. That's that's all that is, all righty'll let's take a quick break. We're gonna get into some ads and then back to some quick listener letters, so stay tuned. Okay, guys,

we're back, all right, back for some listener letters. I'll dive right in since we've been talking, y'all, he is off today. All right, pay Cadine and de Val. First, I'm going to say how much I love you guys and everything that you guys do and stand for. Appreciate you. So I'm writing this for some much needed advice. So. I'm a single mother of two. My son is seven and my daughter's five. I'm twenty six. I was with my boyfriend for six years, and he was in and

out of prison for those six years. This last time he went, I was pregnant with my daughter, who was only met through jail visits. We're not together due to many reasons. I went through sexual abuse as a young child, and I feel that this has left me still to this day, very angry and I'm or unsure of who I am. It has broken me in so many ways, but mostly, as I said before, angry and I don't know how to parent. Feeling the way I feel every day, I feel like I'm not a good parent. I don't

know what to do I find myself. I seem to always find myself yelling and screaming at my kids, when I told myself I would never do that because that's how my mother was. I'm just so lost and so confused on how to heal and find out who I am so I can be a better mother for my children. I want nothing more than for my kids to know that I love them more than anything and want nothing but the best for them. But I feel stuck in the dark place that I can't get out of, and

it all comes from my childhood. I'm lost. Please help. Oh, since that's um, that's fairly difficult. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I hope you do speak with someone and find a way to heal from that, so that's not always um a wall you put up when it comes time to choosing the right mate and someone to be a great father to your children, because you already have two beautiful children, So hopefully you find a way to heal from those issues. Yeah, I think that's the root of it, UM, and what

you know. But you know, I know that sometimes therapy can be intimidating, or it can be hard to start, or it could even be costly. I know we've had a relationship with better help where people were able to get access to UM, even just someone online that you can speak with. But I think you're aware that this is where the problem starts and your children shouldn't have to bear the brunt of that. UM. You know, I

can't say that can necessarily relate to your particular situation. However, I know wanting what it's like as apparent as we discussed, just wanting the best for our kids, and just knowing how to deal with the frustration that arise because trust me, not even having been through a case of sexual abuse, I just know that there are days that I'm just frustrated in general, where I'm tired, and I do find myself wanting to lash out, and that misplaced anger on

the children, UM can really be a way to beat your children down. So UM, I think starting with maybe some therapy, speaking to someone would probably be the best way to heal s this. So also, I just feel like more most parents lash out of their children because of fatigue. You know, like we all grew up with parents that was the generation that we grew up in. Okay, I get it, But a lot of times we've been working all day, they've been asking for the same things

over and over and over again. You've been telling them something over and over and over again, and then you get upset. You're tired emotionally, you're drained. And a large part of the reason why people lose control over their emotions is because of fatigue. So I would say, in order to help yourself, try to find time. And it sounds so crazy saying this, especially single moms. Try to find some time to lean on your village if you

have one, and get some rest. The more rest you can get, the better you are equipped at being the mom they need, because now you have control over your emotions. We talked about this with one of the doctors that

was on here. Sleep deprivation is one of the main causes of help health issues in America for men and women of all ages, races, sex screeds religions like sleep deprivation is a big deal because the Team No Sleep movement that happened over these pasts like decades, but definitely get some sleep, and also to learn to pick your battles with kids, Like I think about things that used to just upset me, or things that I just learn from seeing either with my parents or other parents that

I've grown up, Like things that should make you upset or shouldn't make you upset, make you upset. For example, your kids spills the bowl of cereal. You could lash out as scream because you've told you kid a thousand times stop playing and dance around the cereal and sit stilling. But kids are going to be kids, right, so they spilled the bowl of cereal. You could handle it too

different ways. You can lash out and scream, or you can spank them, or you could do whatever, or you can just take a breath and be like, and that's how you just stop playing around when you eat a cereal. So this is what happens. Now, what clean it up? Or if it's your five year old who can't quite clean it up, clean it up the best way you can, and then you go back after finish up, Like, just don't even waste the energy on making that a point,

because a lot of parenting redundant. Like it's happy to say the same thing over and over, you know, and eventually they'll catch on. You know, your kids are still young. But but it's also understanding that you do have children and they require grace because we often require our children to act as adults. Did not tell you that, Yeah, you told him that one time. He's not gonna remember he's six. We've been through that. Yeah, We've been through that with with the boys. Like I've told you this

so many times. Learning how to keep controlling their emotions is the best way to parent, because your children will listen to you more if they see that you're calm the minute. And I had to learn this too when I was in football mode and Jackson was a young kid. Jackson used to get so afraid of me losing my emotions that he would use me to death. He's like a robot. You understand, yes, sir? You understand? Yes, sir.

You don't listen to what I'm saying. How can you say you understand if you don't Jackson what I say? How didn't hear you? But but you just said yes, sir, Okay, my bad. I just I just it's like an autopilot. I'm saying what you think I want to hear because you're afraid that I'm gonna scream. I used to do that all the time, so I'm not. I don't even get upset when he does that anymore. Like in the past, I would be screaming. Why are you saying yes if

you don't even know what I said? Now, it's like, listen, bro, I know you're used to having to say what you think I wanted to hear to get me to stop screaming. I'm not even screaming. Is listen to what I'm saying and just respond with what you really believe or how you really feel. This way we can navigate the situation together. All right, girl, Best of luck to you, and I hope that you find the healing that you need so

you can be the best mom for your kids. Yes, ma'am, first of all, if I would like to extend my love for you and your beautiful family. Has explanation of when Kingston died had me tiring you all right, so boom they from New York. My boyfriend and I have been together for seven years. I moved in with him this past September and it has been challenging recently. He expressed to me that he does not feel like we are as close. When he says this, I agreed and took it upon myself to gear out how we can

build that closeness. I have been trying to plan a date night and think of things that we both enjoy doing. It does not help that we have not had sex in about three weeks since he came back from vacation. I've been feeling resentful because one he told me that we were going to be engaged by this year, and too, since we're not working. Oh, we're not engaged. We're not fucking, um, no ring, no things. Since we both agreed on not feeling as close, I have not seen any effort from

him to try and build our closeness. I understand that we have different definitions of closeness, but he hasn't explained what he needs from me. I made plans for this weekend, but it's an early event. I expressed to him that I would like to continue the night after our event, but he has not taken any initiative to plan something we just had a conversation about with a friend of our plans. This past week, I have been sad and emotionally detached because I feel like the effort to regain

closeness is one sided. When we aren't having problems, everything is great. It's like the epitome of like, when we're not having problems, everything is great. Uh. But they sound like us, like arguing everything fine. They sound like us. We laugh, roast each other. They definitely us and are genuinely happy. Lately, I have been afraid because I feel like I am losing my best friend. That's the worst feeling, bro. And the advice would be appreciated. I accept all critiques.

I have no critiques for y'all. I'm just only going to tell you all this. This feeling is normal when you with someone for an extended period of time and y'all moving together, you get into a routine and you start to lose. We just had this conversation, yo, all right, literally, and this is twenty years in almost twenty and I'm going to be extremely vulnerable and give you a man's perspective because she said her boyfriend. He may be speaking

about this. I'll tell you because I just told hey this. We were watching TV and I said, Babe, i feel like I'm missing a part of my life that I'm used to. She said, what do you mean, I said, when before we were dating, I had an option to see women who found me attractive, pick which one I thought was attractive, and engaging whatever they wanted to engage in. That was my choice. That was part of my life that existed. Women are attracted to you. You're attracted to women.

You engage in whatever you want to engage in. Right then you meet someone, you become anogamous. Right that person in the very beginning is attracted to you. You're attracted to them. The newness of it is like this animalistic attraction when you're always on each other and you feel like this is my this is what I love, this is my best friend. And it's not even always about

the the actual act of sex. But when Kay first got with me, she always wanted to sit on my lap, She always wanted to make out, she always wanted to cuddle and canoele, and she was always touching me. And when you get married or you've been together for a long time and you're watching your girlfriend or your wife focus on everything else because she's used to you being there, you're missing that As a man, and so many men don't speak about this, but this is the truth. If

I wasn't in a relationship. The women who admired me would feel open to come over and say, hey, I admire you, and you can say I admire you too, and you'll go back and forth. But now the women that you're around know that you got a girl. So those women aren't even telling you that they admire you because they like, oh, you got a girl whatever. So now your girl's not even admiring you because they're used to you being home. So now you're at home, like damn,

nobody is admiring me. That feels like ship after a while. And I think Asia Curry says something about that attention and they would get in on her. But it's not about male attention. It's about feeling wanted or desired or desired by the person that you want to feel desired by. Everybody loves that hunt and capture moments like the back and forth. But more importantly, though, people want to be

desired by the one that they desire. So it's like, we chose to desire each other for eternity if we're gonna be together, and somewhere during that process you lost sight of that desiring. Because we have four kids, we have a mortgage, you have job, I have job, parents live with us, people are sick. No one's doing it on purpose, but still you have to remember that you

know what your partner wants to be desired. And this is just a good message also to two men too, because you have a wonder why your wife may start to being a little funk or have an attitude sometimes because you haven't showed that woman that you desire her. Now. I'm a very very affectionate physical person. Becaudan has probably never gone five minutes without feeling desired because I'm gonna grab I'm gonna grab a boob, I'm a hugger, I'm a kisser, I'm gonna tell our love her. I'm a

that's but that's for me. I'm not doing that just because you know, I just or she need let me do it. I like doing that, so for her it's easy to feel that way. But in return, it's also easy for me to feel lost sometimes because I'm always all on her. That something. We had this conversation, I mean, like, when's the last time you've hugged me? Just ifout we

hug all the time. I said, huh, when is the last time you've hugged me, So it's me doing the initiating of the hugging, not the fact that we have hugged several times, because it was him doing the hugging. And it's like, okay, I get it. And sometimes men don't know how to say that. So when they say stuff like I feel like I lost my best friend, it's his masculine hiding way of saying, hey baby, you don't notice me the whay you used to anymore, you

know what I'm saying. Or we're not as close. You know, we're not as close as we used to be. That's his way of saying, hey baby, I'm still here. You know. It's the moving into parts. For me, it's like they got together seven years and it seems like the problem the roads when they moved in together. Now, I'm an advocate for moving in before you get married. I just think it's necessary so you can know if this this person that you want to exist within the space pretty

much all the time. Right. Plus you also feel like, okay, if we're moving in together, was next because I'm not gonna be They told me she was. She was an advocate for moving in, but she also said I ain't gonna be nobody's living girlfriend, right right, living girlfriend, no baby mama, which is what she's saying. He told me we'd be engaged by this, So she's a little salty, which I get because, yeah, it's like the promise that

you made to her to be engaged by a certain timeframe. Again, a lot of women function on the clock if we feel like time is being wasted, and you do me into moving in with you, and now we're not closed the more and day we all got a ring on my fingers, like what exactly are we doing here? But like Devil said, most men in the past, you said, most men have a plan. They have a plan on what they want to do, how they want to execute it. You want to particularly kind of situation when you get engaged.

He's trying to plan all that stuff out right, So he may be trying to buy a little time, you know, before he does that at the plan that you said

you required in order to be somebody's wife exactly. But I can understand why she can feel, maybe even from your perspective, when you feel like sometimes you're pulling and tugging at me for that and I'm just like, damn, I didn't even realize that because I have so many things in my brain and I'm jruggling, working, kids and this and that, and I feel so scattering at times where you're just like, y'll just stop listening to the

noise and just focus on me. And that focus alone, I can see the difference in our relationship when that happens, particularly more recently, you know, with us. So keep having the conversation. But I will say to a lot of women if listening. Of course, this is not all men.

It's not all women, but many of the men that I speak to, they'll say to me without knowing how to say it, but their biggest gripe with the women they live with, or their girlfriend or their wife is like you don't you know you know how case stills? Just like today. I mean last night I came in from being in New York. I come in, caves in the shower. First of all, me and Josh get to the house the same time, because we flew in, and I'm like, can you I was coming home. Why's the

door locked? Why don't I got to go through the garage. I'm getting pisted right, So I come inside and caves in the shower open, the shower, right, I go squeeze, but then I go use the bathroom. I come back, I squeeze a boob, and she's like, why do you keep leaving? Right? Then when I come back in after getting dressed, she's putting on these tights. She put on this little crop top and as asked Tripling that what

I look like you're coming home? They could probably be like, YO did a whole one eighty when she walked back out here, I looked like a hot mess. And I do realize that you were purposeful about making sure when I came in the house that you put on something, and I'd like to see you clean. She was whispering my ear when I came home, and wait till everybody go to sleep, and you know she went and got me getty this she made and got me something to drink.

It's like those little things is a constant reminder of like, oh, this is the woman that wanted me when we were still dating. Like those are things she would do when we were dating, and a lot of times when you get married, it's like, man, this ne gonna know what I looked like naked. I don't go to put on the types. I still want you to put on the type, but more recently about like texting, like if I had to run an airin or whatever, I'm texting like, hey, babe,

I got here here you were just like yo. It's just like, aside from the safety, it's just a matter of just knowing, like damn, she thought about me to text me in this moment. So it's just little things that we're trying to do to get back to that boyfriend girlfriend phase that we both were differently desperately missed. And I think working as crazy as we didn't having the schedule we had last year, a lot of that got lost in the shuffle, and that was a challenge

for us both mentally. We're like, it doesn't make any sense that we're, you know, having all the success with our career and our kids are doing well and families good and all that, but you and I are not in unison. So and I say that to say that men are typically trying to say that, but it's challenging for us because it's not hyper masculine to say I missed my wife, I missed my girlfriend, I missed being

touchy feely. That's really what they want to say, Babe, I miss when you used to touch me up and and you're annoying climbing on me. I missed that. It's not hypermatchingly. So sometimes t think about what they're saying, like, well, I know what he's saying right right between the lines the lines. All right, y'all, we want to hear more from you on the listener letter tips, so be sure to email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com. That's D E A D A S S A d V I C E at gmail dot com. All right,

moment of truth time. We're talking coaching, we're talking kids, we're talking parenting. UM, you know, how did our perspectives change, um, when it came to kids in sports, How we deal with our kids, all that good stuff. So you're in the episode what the truth? My moment of truth is this? UM, I was a professional athlete, and I also coached for

a very very long time. The same methods you used to coach other people's children, the same methods your coaches used to coach you, is not the same method you have you can use with your children. It's just not the same. There's a different power dynamic there when you're you're coaching your own children. I like when parents coach their children. You just have to learn to use discernment when and when not to be coached, and when and when not to be Dad. Jackson and I have already

made it very clear. The minute we step into this house, the coach had is off. I don't care how much I've screamed and holler and been upset. When you come in this house, I'm not We're not talking about that anymore. I'm your I'm your dad. Now let's watch the game and laugh and talk about other things. Let's let's not drag that into our personal space. Kind of like when you do with your significant other, leave the work life

at work, exactly when you come home, I'm dead. I created a boundary that both my son and I respect, and I feel like it's working for us. Stay tuned, because he's only eleven. I have seven more years, you know, to to try to get this right. Not I know he spent more than half of the time he's going to spend with us here, So pray for us um as we as. This isn't ever evolving organism, this thing called life. So as things change, I am sure they

will will keep you updated. No, for sure, I love that my moment of truth is much like the relationship between like a teacher and a parent, right, um, such as the coach and the parent experience. And I think the overarching topic that some parents and coaches, Missie, I had never thought about that. Imagine a teacher who has children, those same kids go through the same thing. Like my mom's a teacher, so she's always a teacher all the time, because the thing my dad as a coach, he's always

a coach all the time. But yeah, but I'm just even speaking about the relationship that a parent and a teacher has, right, because there should be some sort of union and communication between a parent empowering their children when they're in the classroom and the teacher then feeling like they're empowered as a teacher to be the educator. Right, such as that with a coach and a parent, right the parent in trusts the coach to teach them things

about the game. But what I think the overarching topic for me is when it just comes to sports, is that sports and coaching and um, the dynamics that exists

in that is so much bigger than just sports. Yes, it's life and the lessons that you've learned, for example, because I wasn't big into sports growing up, right, But the lessons that you've learned in sports and having to have the discipline and the camaraderie with the team, and knowing how to take the direction and how to listen to a coach to be respectful, those are things that are carrying over into life. And we have to to stand that as parents. Is bigger than like that one game.

It's bigger than eleven eleven year old basketball. It's bigger than sixth grade football. It is about teaching life lessons. So if the parents and the coach are in unison with what the objective is, then no game is going to be that big of a deal as long as the kid is learning a life lesson along the way or several. So that's mine. It's more like, okay, oh god, god, we did a couple of rocks today, y'all. Um, alright, y'all. So be sure to follow us on social media if

you're not already. So, we have dead as the Podcast on Instagram. You can find me at Cadeen I Am. I'm also on TikTok Now I'm taking a stab at three. I'm coming up to the young people's apps uh and signed up on patreons to and I am not on TikTok because I'm not trying to be with the young people. I am devout. And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate when you subscribe. If you're interested in watching all of the podcast in its entirety, subscribe

to our patreon. That's the fact exclusive. Behind the scenes, We're gonna call Jackson and the CP wants to chat about it all right, see how he feels about Daddy, Coach, Coach and Daddy. Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the Norapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the Podcast and never miss a Thing.