Checking Boxes: What is the true value of having a spouse?

a form of therapy. Wait, I'm making me derby most days. Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboots, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take phillow talk to a whole new level.

This is dead ass. This story time is part of one of the darkest times in our marriage. This was right after Jackson was born, about about a year after Jackson was born, and you and I were in I think we were in that that cruise control mode. You know. Codein had just decided that she wasn't gonna work full time anymore. I had the gym, I was booking commercials.

I did a couple of small roles on television. I was making enough money so that Codein could cut back work part time, still make money to help help with the bills and stuff. But we were good. We had our health insurance. Everything was good. We finally had our feet underneath us, coming back from the recession. But finally, this was the point where I felt like my life was where I wanted it to be. I had my son, I had my wife. My wife didn't have to work

full time. I was working fourteen hours, sometimes sixteen hours a day. But I was happy with that because this is what my job is as a husband. And I remember we went cruise control, and you and I we're not on the same page. You cooked, you cleaned. We were having sex on a consistent basis, and we were

not happy. I wasn't happy. You wasn't happy. I had I had a son, apple of my eye, you know, like I had everything, and I wasn't happy, and I remember having a conversation with you about what you want out of life, and you were saying, I'm not sure, but I know this isn't it. And at that point that is when I realize what you are to me is more than just someone who justd chores. And that's when my idea of what a spouse is changed in that moment. All right, today, I got a special karaoke

song for you. In college, this song came out and the young lady who was the video fixing in this song actually looks like you. It's your double ganger. Yes, yes, it's dedicated to you. Baby down and count me down four three two. You can have in need, think I got all of me right on the spot. Na na no, no, oh na no no, no, you can need think all of it, work my things all the way to the bone. He Na no, no, no no, no, no, no, oh na

no no no, I do that, betacious? You really went in the home in udiiculous grass is you see that? You see the mouth? You know the jat is you on the jack mouth? Right? All right? So that was a nice little loaded story time. Let's just unpack the story because I think we definitely. We both have our perspectives on what that time frame looked like for us. So, in you realizing out the value that you saw in having me as your spouse, how did it change? What

did it look like for you? As you then figured out in your own mind, this is what I want, This is what I thought I wanted and what I need now. Well, for me, it was I thought I drunk the American kool aid. You know what I'm saying. There were certain things you have to do in your life in a certain order to be considered successful. You graduate from high school, graduate from college, start a career, get married, by a house, have kids. You do all

of this, you happy. So in that there were also steps to having a wife, you know what I'm saying. Make sure that your wife doesn't have to work full time so you can't take care of the kids. Done. Make sure your wife cooks, make sure she cleans, make sure she looks good, make sure you have sex consistently. All of that's done. Right. So, now now that all of that is done, my life should be perfect. You know, I have the perfect wife. She's almost like a Stepford wife,

you know I'm saying. So I'm a Stepford husband. I'm doing everything. I'm providing, I'm protecting, I'm making sure that everything is perfect. But I wasn't happy, and I realized that part of the reason why I wasn't happy is because you weren't happy, right, So for you, in that sense, it was kind of like a methodical thing. It's like checking off the boxes of what everything is supposed to look like. But at the root of it, what was

missing between us was that connection. Because we both have expressed at different points in our relationship that you're there physically. You know, work is good, kids are good, Like everybody's a flow, everybody's alive and kicking, and we still have this underlying, you know issue between the two of us

because we just are not connected. And I think that that's what we value the most out of each other, Like if you were to strip away you know, career, money, kids, every everything, almost taking it back to the days when we were in college where we almost had we literally had nothing, and we were just enjoying who we were because we were connected. That was probably the most important

thing that we've deduced is necessary in our relationship. Well, we'll check this out because I'm glad you brought that up, and I want to jump to your part that you know they do, but I want to read some of these things that we have right look at you looking at the meat of the show, because listen, because listen, because this is why I want to break this down, because I think that's what people makes to the confusion.

Give me some takeaways for the audience, and US News articles sided the following reasons as you should as why you should get married for yourself in America. One was it's cheaper. Single people pay more for living expenses than they would if they were married and shared everything. Okay, so that's like a practical finance piractical financial number Two,

it's better for the economy. On average, married couple families have higher incomes and other types of families with cohabiting parent households only making sixty one of the income of their married counterparts. The Future of Children Report noted as a result, they are able to spend more money to help fuel the economy. So everything that we're hearing is functional, like it's systematic, like these are the reasons why you

get married. Married couples help their neighbors. Married couples are more likely to buy a home, which makes sense since they have more money to spend in our in a relationship for the long haul. With homeownership comes equity appreciation and certain tax deductions to not profit. So what you're hearing is all of these functional financial reasons as to why you should get married. Married women and their children have better health insurance. Married adults are more likely to

be insured, particularly by private health coverages. So you're hearing all of these functional reasons. But you know what, they're not talking about the spirit. They're not talking about the soul. They're not talking about love. You see what I'm saying. So when you're reading all of these things, they make sense from a financial standpoint, which goes back to our first podcast last season where we talked about marriage being a business, which we understand there is a business aspect

of marriage, which you and I do very well. Like from the time I was in the NFL and retired to us starting our marriage together. We started with nothing because I retired from the NFL going through a recession, lost a lot of money in the stock market, lost in the real estate. We came back with little to nothing cash flow wise, but we made it last for five years through you know, economic through our economic acumen, able to balance things that we're going to figure. We

were able to figure it. So we're good at that part. Where I messed up in the very beginning. I was thinking that I could be systematic and functional with my marriage and did it. Didn't put in the spirit and the soul that it takes to make a marriage work. So I was checking all the boxes. We had health insurance, we had life insurance, we bought property, we did everything we wanted to do. We we were having sex consistently, we set up a date to have sex mom. Everything

was systematic, but I wasn't happy. I even think about something that my mom told me like years ago, um or I don't know if she told me per se or if I overheard it. You know, air hustling as a kid by the stairs, you know when she's having girl talk, and she was like, point blame period. Love cannot pay the bills. And I think when people think about it in that circumstance, it's just like, Okay, I love you and all that's great. But most marriages, I

would say, they tank because of financial issues. So it's really trying to make sure that you are practical in making the necessary arrangements to have your health and rance, for example, and you know it's cheaper to be married married so that way you're living expenses are deduced or

whatever we deducted um. So those things make sense from that point standpoint, and it may work for some people where they do have that, but but for us, we knew that if we're missing the soul, the spiritual, the love side of things, that that we weren't going to be able to make it happen. And it's important for you to say that because you know, you pretty much made a good point that marriage is struggle because of finances.

You have a higher change of surviving infidelity in your marriage and your marriage still working then you do having survived having to survive financial issues. That is a fact. The vast majority of people who get divorced do not get divorced for infidelity. They get divorced because of because they don't feel financially stable within their marriage and it causes riffs. So that brings me to the value of

a spouse. What I thought my value of a spouse is was someone who could fill in all of the gaps in my life that I didn't want to do, you know what I'm saying. So when I was looking for a wife, looking for spots, I want someone who could cook and clean, take care of kids, you know what I'm saying, and handle my sexual desires. Was that based off of just your own mindset saying, Okay, I have these strengths, these are the things I don't care

to take care of to let me find someone. Or was it based off of like what you've seen growing up with, like your parents or like your your grandparents. Was that something that was just instilled in you early or a visual you had early on. I think it was a little bit a bit of both. Society dictates that we exist in gender roles. So when you get married, you as the man, have to do this and as

a woman, she has to do that. Because now, yeah, there's no general but this was we got married ten years ago, which um gender was still wasn't such a big, you know, hot button topic. But it was like, as the man, you are responsible to provide and protect and you have to you put yourself last. You put your wife first, you put your your kids first, and you know you don't show your emotions, you just put the money you on the table. And get things done and

make sure your family is good. Whatever your happy wife, happy life, whatever your wife wants, it is your responsibility as a husband to make sure you can make it happen. That's what I felt. My gender role was as a provider or protector, and my wife's gender role was to cook, clean, make sure the house was taking care of, in the kids are taken care of, and make sure I was taking care of And it seems simple. It seemed like if I follow this, I'll be good. And we were

following all of those things. And it wasn't until I realized that I wasn't happy that I realized that your value to me isn't in the chores that you can do. Your value came to me in your ability to help me share my happiness with the world. And when I say that, I mean I realized that I can do anything I want to do in my life. And I was. I was making enough money to where if I wanted someone to do chores, I could pay clean and lately I could pay a chef. I could pay someone to

babysit with my kids. But I cannot pay someone to be happy with for the rest of my life. You know, what I'm saying. So it was that spiritual connection that we needed to have. We spent so much time trying to connect to these dots that we thought were gonna make us happy, that we need connect with each other. We weren't talking, we weren't spending time together. We were passing like ships in the night, making sure every other aspect of our marriage was good, but we weren't making

sure that we were good. And it was also to us I think also having a bit of that tunnel vision saying Okay, you know, we had these dreams that we spoke about in college, then you had your kickstart with your your short stint in the NFL, and then losing all of that. There was such a focus on rebuilding our life that it almost was necessary for us to kind of put that work in. So do I regret that time or do I feel a way about

that time? Honestly, looking back on it, I don't, because it was like that adversity that we had to have in order to overcome that. And I also learned um about you that I love that you are a man who wants to be a provider. But at the same time that wasn't enough for me. It doesn't matter how much money you made, it just wasn't enough if we weren't on the same page on an energy level. So let me ask a question. You heard the things that I had on my box to check for a wife.

What were the things you had on your box for a husband? Because you realized that afterwards, but in the beginning, what were the things that on your box that you said, this is going to make my my perfect spouse. Absolutely. Um, when I first met you, I was like, he had to be fine, check that. But I was the superficial, Like right off the bat, I was like, oh he's shorty great. Um, I saw potential in you, you know, I mean we met really young. You were still puberty

was still hitting. So I was like, but I had broad shoulders, so you knew the frame was different. But no, in all seriousness, Um, you know, looking for somebody who was going to be a protector, who was going to be ambitious, who had the drive to know that he was going to be the head of the household and

the leader of the family. Because I'm okay with working in conjunction with somebody who was going to who was going to you know what I mean, I always know, I wanted a strong alpha male who was out there, you know, just just working and trying to build, you know, because I know I had my own things that I wanted to input as well from my family and my

future family. So those were some things that I saw in you early on and even just talking about like our hopes and our dreams and things that we wanted to do in my little twin size bed back at

harsh University. We did a lot of things. And mom, don't even listen to this episode, but there's a lot of things my agility, back, balance, balance, strength, you know, that's what he as going nowhere might have a little belly fat post children are still there, um, so you know, and you pretty much were the embodiment of all of those things, you know, the way I saw you approach um, you know, making to the NFL like you didn't have the easy road, and you recently said that to me.

You were just like, yeah, I don't understand, Like everything I seek out to do with my life, I can never just get a clear path, Like everything has a twist or turn or an obsticle or or something. You know, and you're feeling that now, even just with your acting career. You're just like, why am I having to just you know,

go through many yeah, just to get an opportunity. So the resiliency that you had, in this unyielding desire to just succeed at whatever it was that you did, it was probably some of the most attractive things that I saw in you. And I was just talk abow, I value this in him as a person, like it was

admirable for me. Um. It's still to this day motivates me, Um, And it's something that I I truly I'm almost envious of with you, you know what I mean, because I'm just like, Wow, I just it's amazing that I've met somebody who was able to really encompass so many different things that I've wanted. So I checked off all the boxes the same way you checked off all the boxes

for me. And why weren't you happy? And because we were, we weren't connected on seeing each other, and I felt like I did feel seen, you know what I mean, I don't felt like you saw me. We didn't have the downtime where it was just you and I, you know, unloading, unpacking everything else that was going on, and really just reconnecting with devol as the person Codine as the person who originally drew me to you and you to me.

And that's the thing, the biggest thing that was missing, And that's when we talked about just even like the life in quarantine, you know, we talked about stripping all of the excess stuff away and what do we have at the root, at the core um And that's why I think we were able to reconnect so well during quarantine, because again, we had those moments where we were able to just really look at each other and see each other and invest in that emotional side of our relationship.

And it's it's funny because even during quarantine, and even prior to quarantine, after I realized that Codeine being a housewife was not ideal for her and that it wasn't ideal for me, we then made another transition to Codeine the media mogul, because you like, I have a master's degree. I want to be able to put this to work. I want to be able to create content and make money and do all our stuff. So then I jumped on that like, cool, she don't want to be at home.

That really wasn't making me happy neither, So let me just support her in this, so I supported you and doing all the TV stuff, and and then you were thriving in that doing is doing a lot, making a ton of money. So now I'm like, should we're making twice as much money as we're making before. I'm gonna be happy. Now she's gonna be happy now we still wasn't happy because it wasn't even about you changing from being a housewife to a professional working woman and creating

more money so that we can have more access to resources. Ultimately, to me, I realized that you needed to find your own happiness so that I could share my happiness with you. I'm glad you could be happiness together. I'm glad you said that because I think that was a revelation that we both had recently and having discussions, because we do frequently have um these open talks with each other. And I think the reason why could in the housewife was unhappy.

And then Cadine, you know, you know, media local in the making, you know, wasn't happy. Is that ultimately where I am in my life. I feel like I should know my purpose and I should be actively working towards my purpose. And I feel like my purpose sometimes either shifts or I'm just very cloudy on what my purpose is, and that's not and it makes me unhappy. And that's not something that you can figure out for me. That's not something that my children can figure out for me.

At first, I thought, you know what, maybe my purpose is to bring these three beautiful boys into this world and raise them to be amazing individuals, amazing men. But then I also have heard, you know, from other parents and in other conferences like being in in in circles and arenas with other mothers. You know, you hear from the more seasoned moms who have older children, that you cannot put your entire purpose and being into your children

because they are human beings as well too. It's almost like setting yourself up for disappointment if they don't pan out to be who or what you expected them to be. So in hearing that recently, I was just like, oh damn. I thought my purpose was to be an amazing mom and an amazing wife and facilitating my husband and getting to where he wants to go by creating a space in my home where he's comfortable. Yeah, but it wasn't fulfilling either. So I almost feel like my purpose is

still evolving and I'm still figuring that out. And I have to not be ashamed to admit that and to embrace that and just work more actively in figuring that out. You know what I mean, That's something I have to do for myself. That's between me, that's between God and my God. That's between my situation. You know, that's something you can't help me with. But in the same breath, you have to work with me and live with me.

And I don't want to um that to be a detriment to our relationship because I may not be feeling fulfilled in that moment, but that but that to me was hard as a spouse, you know, when we're talking about the value of a spouse, my value, I felt like my value would be into making your life better. Yes, as much as it doesn't matter what it takes to make your life better, that's my value as a spout. So as a husband, I felt like I need to

provide and protect. I need to make as much money so that anything my wife asked for I can say yes. Anything my kids need I can say yes. So what was bothering me was that I was making so much money, more money than I was making the NFL and then I come to you some days and you still look unhappy, and I'd be like, what the fuck? Like, woman, there's nothing I can do to make this woman happy? And then I internalized it and I say that it must

be me. It must mean something, must be a whole weight set for the gym, and he's like, I'm on the lift weights because maybe I lost some muscle mass because I'm trying to find my ways to make you happy, to make your life better, because I feel like as a life partner, that's my goal. And then it clicked to me, you know what my goal is to make cadein happy. My goal as a person is to make myself happy, right find out what I want because I know what my purpose is like there's nothing there's so

it's so clear for me. I think that's why I work so well and I have been I have been successful in my life because my vision has been clear, so I've been able to focus on that and being able to grind and grind and even though I always had to take the long road, the grind has been there and I've been successful. But my goal in life is to be happy and to find someone in a spouse to share my happiness with but also find someone who's happy within themselves so they don't suck the happiness

out of my life. Because it doesn't matter what boxes you check off as a wife. If you're miserable and you and I come home and you're just miserable, whether we live in a fifty million dollar mansion or we live in a two bedroom apartment, or you're working for CBS making ten million dollars a year, or you're sitting at home being a housewife. If you're miserable, you're gonna

make me miserable. And that's what I realized, and exactly it's like, if we either of us are having a bad day, the whole house, just the whole temperament of the house is just a drag. And I get it. Nobody wants to have to deal with that like wants and to me it sounds cliche, but that became the most important part of having a spouse. Finding someone who has found a way to be happy and it's willing to share happiness in life with you like that, to me,

is the most important part of being a wife. When you start trying to check off boxes for what your wife should be, I'm telling you people. There was a point in my life where I looked at Codeine. Codeine had given me a son. She was making over a hundred thousand dollars working as a freelance makeup artist. She was cooking, she was cleaning, we was fucking, and she's beautiful.

And I'd walk in the house and she'd have this sour puss face on, and now I'd be like, look at this motherfuck And then I just would be so over it and that she's and the thing is, she's trying to be everything. And I said I wanted a wife. She got on poem poem short, she got the sports bra and she'd be like, you don't seem like you're just into me today, And I'm like, that's because i'm not, because you're not smart, or you're like you got smart.

Walk in the house and I would be like, I know you, I know you, like you're trying to mask this whole how you feel, the shape, and I know you just not you. It was just safe to say that your value in a spouse, for me or for

you particularly, um, it's companionship. Yes, So it's like take everything else and everything else away, and it's about having a companion that you can enjoy time and space with and and and to be honest, that change because in the beginning, when I used to put my list of what I thought a wife need to be in order for me to be happy with my marriage, all of these things were on there. Now none of those things

on there. I don't give a ship. I'm be honest, because you probably ain't cooking about a week, your mom be cooking, your brother, your family here, So everybody was pitching in the bathroom is a mess. It's a difference, don't I'm not dirty. My bathroom is messy right now because yes, I'm in the middle of sorting and organized. And so let's be clear. She's still very defensive people, as you can tell. Clear, be clear. All of the things that I thought I wanted in a wife now

don't matter to me. When I woke up in the morning and I see that she's smiling, well, she's happy, she's skipping around, should make me feel good because now I feel like I can share in my happiness with you. All of that stuff does not matter to me no more. The things that did when you said you know you

want to cut back. I remember when when everything started happening with the pandemic and with social media, and you're just kind of like, yeah, I don't want to talk to nobody, Like you were just hurting like everything with Black Lives Matter, with the pandemic, not knowing with things, you just like, I just don't want to be around it. And then the first thing you think of, like things she brings in a large part of money with everything

we do creating content. But for me it was like, if that's not making her happy, I really don't care because for me, I I'm gonna make money regardless. So I remember even when I had to do that episode for OKAKK where I had to talk about like the boys and how I was affected by that, you were just like, we could turn this whole ship off. It doesn't look like it was bothering you. Yeah, and it was. And I think it was just it was therapeutic for

me because I had to get that out. Like I had several moments where I was just like sobbing mess because like I had to put myself together. But you did say that you were very supportive in that You're just like, if that's just not making you happy in the moment, could be do not do it. Companion is the number one thing. And it sounds so cliche because people always say, you know, if you don't got love in the marriage, you ain't got nothing. And here you are.

You write down all of these things of why marriage is better for you and systematically why it's better, and it does. You know, they talk about children to married couples getting more opportunities, it provide better social networks. Things of that nature. Definitely makes sense, and those are tangible

things you can see. But how many people do we know who are married, who have been married for years and despise each other even though both people check all of the boxes for what you consider to be the ideal spouse. Like, we have friends, we have aunts and uncles, we have people who you look at them, me like that she she makes a perfect wife. He makes the perfect husband. And then you hear him from them later on and they're like, you know what I'm saying, I've

been married over years. What you mean, kid? Like you're still holding scape of the kids. The kids ain't around them more so, what is right? You know what I'm saying? And it sounds cliche because you say it's the spirit you feel, you feel like it's the soul, but it

really is, it really is. I have a question, would you say that you've had to sacrifice anything in order to be able to add value to me or to to yourself, Like, I guess it's either of us that we have to and its sacrifice anything on your end

in order to bring more value to the relationship. Yeah, I mean, I think that's that's part of a relationship, Like once you decide that you want to be soul mates with someone, because when I think about spending the rest of my life with someone, I want to be with somebody who fulfills my soul, you know what I'm saying. So there are certain things after sacrifice, and that's number one.

Realizing that you changed. You know what I'm saying. When we first met, you were this super ambitious woman who wanted to conquer everything because at that point, from what you say, your mom instill did you that in order to be happy and be successful, you had to do

these things. So that was the person I saw. So in my mind, I made this whole picture of what our family was gonna be, you and I were going to be, and I had to realize through our marriage that Kadine is not going to be who I anticipated her to be when we were eighteen years old. I

fell in love with that person I did. I fell in love with that person, and I realized and trying to force you to be the person who I fell in love with at that time, who also I was eighteen, So my ideas of what falling in love were very different when I when I decided to let go of that image of who I had to sacrifice some of the things that I thought I wanted for us, you know what I'm saying. But am I happier because of it? Absolutely?

Because me holding on to this idea of what I wanted my wife and who I wanted Codeine to be Condeine to be left me disappointed at times because you weren't doing it the way I envisioned it, you know what I'm saying, or what you experienced from me alright previous previous eighteen years. So there are certain things I had to sacrifice that I was just like, you know what, I'm cool not having that cool, not getting that because she happy. So when she's happy, I walk in the house,

I'm happy. Yeah, I think it makes it easier to sacrifice certain things when you can see your spouse smiling and just be genuinely happy with whatever space that they're in, because I know sometimes too with me, there's some things that's just like I don't even want to do this ship, but I'm gonna do it because it's gonna make it

out happy in this moment. And you've sometimes called me out on that, and it's just like, why can't you just do this because that's what I asked for and it's gonna make me happy regardless of how you feel

about it, you know. Yeah, And you've had to learn to do with that, and I've had to learn to be like, well, dances, you can't always be the one dropping the ball expecting him to understand in this moment when he's specifically asking you for something, make the sacrifice because you know it's going to bring a smile to his face. Like that's something that I'm continuing working on because you've been pretty consistent with what you wanted from what you wanted from me over the past decade at

the least. You know, that's just my personality though, like like I said, I'm clear on this, Yeah, this is what I want, this is what I need. That's you're just like, this is what it is, and with me, I'm kind of like dancing. I want this some days I want that. I thought I wanted this, but I

really don't want that. And I can see how that causes a riff in our relations a lot, because frustrating you have somebody who was just like tunnel vision with what they want, and you have somebody else that's still trying to figure it out that you think they should have things figured out at this point in life. You know, it's like you have whole lass children, like you should know what the hell you want to do, you know. Um. So yeah, that that's something I know that we struggled with.

But I'm trying to you feel like you sacrifice, um, well, one thing that I've sacrificed, um And I don't know if it's a sacrifice per se, but it's something that I feel like I lost a little bit of and that was just like that drive and ambition. And I think it's because having you as the protector and the provider and the family, sometimes you get a little laxed,

you know what I mean. I know that things are going to be taken care of and okay, because devo got it under control, you know, and you enjoy that, you love being the person. I just like my family taken care of that way. My wife can just kind of come and go and do what she needs to do. UM. And the fact that I still work and I still you know, work with you in our business and our

company and whatnot. UM, I feel like I just kind of lost a little bit of that drive that I did have maybe when I was eighteen, And part of me wonders, is that really who I wasn't eighteen? Did I lose that in us being together? Or is that who I was destined to be? I can I answer that for you based on what I see, based on what you have to because I mean, you got the

front row seat, Bro, got the front row seats. Sometimes I'll be in the back though it's from the balcony view right right right, that's I'd be in the balcony of view. I see a lot, you know what I'm saying, got their hands on the look anyway. Knowing you and knowing your family, you being the firstborn, I've noticed that you tend to want to make your mom proud the most, and your mom pushes for you to be all the things that your mom wanted to be. You know what

I'm saying. Your mom loves Oprah or she loved Oprah she wand Oprah not so much, but she admired Oprah and what she's able to do. And and she always talked about, you know, my daughters doing this. She's in communication. She wants to do TV and started as early as my pageant days, like this is what you want to do. I'm putting you on the stage like so as you seeing the world through your mom's eyes. The only way to make your mom happy is to excel in all

the things that she wants for you. That's just what I see. I could be wrong with family, but my mother and my father, particularly my mom, just because she believed in it from early. My dad was more like the practical guy that's just like you, sure you don't want to be a nurse, like you sure you don't

want to just clock into this nine to five. Whereas my mom is more like you know, like she sees the possibilities that are absolutely absolutely so going into eighteen nineteen, think about where we are eighteen nineteen when we first met. The only thing, the only way you think you can make money or be happy or be great in this life is based on what your father and your mom have told you or what society says. You have no idea, Like you're still trying to find yourself, so you just

listen to all these other people. As you get older, you start to realize, I'm gonna listen to none of these niggas, Like I'm starting to realize what I want to be on my own. And I think while you're learning who you want to be, you're realizing that you know what that person that my mom wanted me to be and does not making me happy. This person that society is telling me I need to be in order to be a successful woman is not making me happy.

I need to find that out. So I think this person you're becoming now was who you were destined to be. But you're fighting in a little bit because it goes against everything you've been taught as a young girl growing up. You know what I'm saying, ador, I ain't go to college for. I ain't go to college for, but I'm gonna people watching you as an artist, as an artist, people watching as an actor. I learned how to people watch,

but that's what I that's what I see. But I do feel like I'm starting to feel loads lifted off of me and having honest conversations with you or by saying to my mom says, you know, but I might be good just like coasting through right now for a little bit, having my little businesses here and there, doing my social media like I think I'm cool with that,

you know what I mean. Um, it did require having those conversations because yeah, if I have people rallying around me, which I'm fortunate to have people who are like Cadine, this is your dream, like hey, how about you do this or let me help you do that, to help you get there, Like I'm fortunate to have people like that who rally around me to support me and to help me cultivate these these these and endeavors that I have.

But at the same time, too, I can't be wishy washy and then expect everybody to just be like no, absolutely hands off, like what happened. So that's important for me to know. What so that I'm happy that you're able to I mean outside perspective and asking your opinion and I appreciate your opinion. Well, you know, this is the first time for everything you know. But this is

one of the values of having a spouse. You get to see a completely different perspective from someone that you've selected and you picked and you trust to tell you about yourself, and you learn a lot through seeing yourself through someone else's eyes. Yeah, I did that now for you, But you do that for me all the time. Yes, for me all the time. Like what I get you to figure out lately? Huh? All right, you got me to figure out this is the God's honest truth that

I can't control nothing except for myself. Yes, you probably figure that out because I I am a control freak. I've always been a control because it's safe for me, and and this is the truth. When you're in life, right, it's easy to fall in line with what you think works. When say, for example, you don't got no money, and it's like, Okay, I gotta do this job because I

need money. I gotta do this. It's easy to fall in line with what everyone else says works when you have to, when you're backs against the wall, when you have an outlet. Now, for example, you are not working together, you're not stressed about working because I can pay all of the bills, so now, I was like, I don't gotta fall in line, but what everybody does? You know what I'm saying, I can do what I want right. So for me being a control freak, my whole life

not having all the things that I want. When I was my back was against the wall, the only way I could feel comfortable trying to get out of that hole was controlling everything around her. So then you meet someone and you think you've got the whole world figured out, and you're trying to control this person. I'm trying to control who codein is, how she operates, and all you

keep doing is bucking the system. I'm like, I'm trying to tell you exactly what to do, how to do it, and you keep just you know, being gaein no, no snatching the air going. I say left, you go right, I say up, you go down, even though I like when you go down, I didn't want you to get down at that point, I wanted you to go because I'm trying to get like the different perspectives, and we just talked about this to like like, for example, you'll

see an apartment. One apartment, the first apartment. The apartment checks all the boxes of what you want in an apartment, the right price range, everything. So he's like, there, he goes, I'm gonna take it. I'm like, but how to see what? What's the other apartments out there? Though? Like what is the competition? You know with this apartment? I have to like weigh out the options and the competitors, and that

drives your nuts. So it's like any options, Okay, it's the same thing, like when we pack, I'm always overweight. But it added an element to my life which allowed me to accept other people's perspectives because me I didn't. I did not like because because I was a control freak. I was very close it because I knew what worked

for me. But being with someone and having a spouse, it forces you to be open minded because now I gotta I really gotta take into account the things that you need and want in life and just know that everyone's process is different, different, you know. So it works for you in that circumstance, in that time, but I can achieve the same result in a different way. It may not be the way you thought it should have been done, but it's gonna get done. It's gonna get

done at some point eventually. But it doesn't get done but no, but but I'm seriously like being being married brought so much to my life outside of just the tangible things that people put down on paper, that you have someone that can do this and have someone it's about feeling my soul, you know. And and here's one thing I'm gonna say about it too. Everybody is not made to be married, you know what I'm saying, Like,

this is the analogy I use some people. Some people work well together because there's something that's in them that needs that companionship. Some people work well by themselves because companion ship to them don't matter. Like I've seen people try to be in relationships because they think that they have to be married to be successful, and their job fall apart for everything around them fall in apart because

you're putting energy into something that's never gonna work. And as you're trying to put energy into this thing that's never gonna work, you're losing focus on all these other things. For me, marriage work because I needed that soul, made the companions because that companionship made so much clarity for everything else that I was more successful being married. So when it came to business, create like everything else, you can then come to your companionship, your spouse and decompressed

from all of that. Whereas you have some people that you know, they may not realize it, but they exist better by themselves. And it's like, why involve somebody else's feelings and emotions and stuff, somebody who may be looking for more and you're involving them, and that only to end up flat because you don't want to commit to that. And that's okay, and that's okay, I think about it. If you don't value companionship, there's no value you'll find.

And having a spouse absolutely not that person can check all of the boxes if you don't value compass and transactions. And then that's when ship be fucked up seriously, because now you now you're buying a drinking a kool aid. In order to be successful, you got to check all these boxes for yourself, and marriage is one of them. And we do that to women all the time. A woman could be freaking taking over the world, doing everything, and they'd be like, you got no husband, kids, something

must be wrong with her, And it's like that. Not everybody aspires to that, Not everybody wants to be married, not everybody has to have children, and I'm okay with that. You should be okay with that. Society should be okay with that. It's not a curse because you're a certain

age and you're not married or whatever. If you you're better off in life if you know that, rather than getting into a relationship, getting married with somebody and then being complete turmoil and then you've now you know, jaded and tainted somebody else who may have been good for somebody else, or you have some children and all jacked up because you didn't really want that to begin with that. Okay, we need to stop doing that to people projecting these

you know, um they need to happen. Yeah, we guys are projecting on young men too, because a young man is start to be successful due to just when you're gonna find a wife, when you're gonna settle down. And if you don't settle down, then you immature and you're selfish, and it's like, damn, why are you projecting the fact that you want to be married on this man? Think about your godfather, who is Uncle Frank, very property, enjoying

his life and he seems happy and peaceful. Ye never married, no children, and he knew early on that's what he wanted, and he's enjoying his life with no spouse and no children. He's all good. Make sure Uncle Frank writes you into the will. Frank, you don't want no, you don't want no kids. But the is the closest you got to a son. And we got three boys. So yes, yes, out there. My wife's always thinking about just playing about business. You know, why are you checking Uncle frank pockets. I'm

not checking the pockets. I'm just saying that Frank for his birthday today. No, but me and Frank have our own relationship. Don't worry about Franks. You gonna check so you can't call people. You cannot call people for their birthday and then be like, are we in the will? I don't messed up that black people. Black people be doing all the time. That's why Frank don't talk to you.

That's that's why you don't got no kids on that is why amazing, amazing, Alright, cool, We're gonna take a quick break and move into a listen letter that we have. I see a whole dissertation that we have here for the listener letters. So we're gonna get into some ads. Stick around, and we'll be right back. Now it's time for our favorite part of the show. We gotta listener letters. You want to take it away with this one? All right, I'll go ahead and read this one out, all right.

I'm twenty five years old. My boyfriend is twenty six, and we've been together four years. We talked about marriage early in our relationship, and over time we fell in love and decided that we wanted to marry each other. But there are two issues that we can't seem to see. I and I eye to eye about moving in together and the proposal. He wants us to buy a house together first, but I don't believe he's financially prepared to

be a homeowner at this time. I, on the other hand, want us to be engaged before we take on the financial responsibility of owning a home, you know, credit checks, maintenance, h o A, fees, et cetera. But he says he can't afford to buy the ring. I like because he's fixing his credit. I live on my own and I'm

financially stable and capable of taking care of myself. I also understand that getting one's finances in order isn't easy for everybody, but his priorities seems to be contradictory to me, and he's not exactly forthright when we when I try to talk to him and ask him about these things. This situation makes me doubt whether or not he will really and truly be able to be a financial partner or pro fighter for our would be household. What do y'all think? First of all, let me just point out

the mindset of a woman. I don't think hold on. I don't think that buying a property right now is good because we want to you know, I don't think he's responsible enough, but I do want to get engaged, and I do want this ring that don't sound crazy as fun to nobody else. I don't think we should put it down painel on the house because he's not responsible enough, but this the ring I want, and I think we should do this first. That don't sound crazy.

And she wrote this whole thing is if she's so financially responsible and he's irresponsible, but me wanting the weather and engagement ring, we should be engaged first, unless her mindset is the engagement ring is like a one time by, but the house is going to accrue a certain level of you know, monthly y'all. See, y'all see how you'll see how Conde is trying to validate backwards ass financial this.

I'm not doing that. I'm just trying to think maybe that's what she's thinking, Like the ring is a one time by, whereas the house is going to have continuing expenses over time, in almost perpetuity. Let me explain something to you. Let me to you. If she really cared that much about finances, she would say we shouldn't get engaged or buy anything. And that's your answer now, because you're older and you've gone and done the same thing she did. You wanted a ring, you wanted a wedding,

and when we could have bought a house first. My thing is, and this is the truth once again when it when it comes to society, men and women have different ideas of what it is to be married, be engaged, and get proposed to. Right. You look at America now, well look at social media. That's what I'm saying. You look at the spectacle that is social media. Right. In order to get engaged, it has to be a huge

rand announcement. Right. The guy has to invite all your people out, fly it them out, do a whole video, get you a fat ring, make a big grand announcement of all other stuff. Right, what does a woman happen to the coast? Sign from Jacob behind the camera, I'm sure he's had to be the truth. What does a woman have to bring to that engagement financially? Financially I'm just saying, what does a woman have to bring to that financially? Right? All of it? The onus is on

the man. And then it's like, well, if he can't do this, then we're not prepare to get married. But you still want the ring though, because the same thing

goes into the wedding. She also said she's able to be financially stable and everything on her own, but she's his priorities are contradictory to me, but clearly they are clearly because she wanted to ring first, right, And like you said, I can say this now as a sound individual who's a decade older than them, because in that moment, yes year old right now is looking through Instagram and everybody's you know, theatrical photo shoots it that and videos

whatever for the engagement, you know, And I was the same way to an extent. I was like, well, I was like, do you want like the house or do you want the ring in the wedding? And I was just kind of like, well, give me both. But if we can't get both, right now, let's get the ring in the wedding. We had owned properties in other states at that time, so I'm like, we kind of technically have houses. We can sell one of those and buy something else. That was just my mindset at the time.

But hindsight or being you know what I mean, Like, now we know that in that moment things could have been a way, in a way different situation for us financially if we had set that up early. I just think we need to do a better job of understanding where we are as people before we make these decisions. For example, I don't know how many women know what the thought processes for a man when the time when

it's time to get married. Like for me, it's like, not only do I have to get the big enough ring to impress my woman, I want to impress all of the women around her, So you gotta get a big enough ring I want to buy. I want to have a wedding that's impressive for her. Like these are all of the things that come down on a man when it's time to propose. I want to make sure you have all these things in place to mention committing to somebody for the rest of your life. Oh yeah,

I mean that that means to be honest. That's that's the biggest part. Secondary Now for some people you think no, that's first. The first thing is I don't want to give up no other pussies because this is the only puss for the rest of my life. This is the truth. And people don't want to say, but this is dead ass podcast. Right, This is how the mindset. This is how the mind works. Right, if I'm single, if I'm even dating, and we're not even exclusive, right, and I'm dating,

I have access to all of these different vaginas. I thank you, Vaina. I'm just saying so val you have open access to both. That's a good show. That's a good show anyway. I'm sorry. Back to the right hand. As a man, you thought processes than all these other vaginas that I have to give up because now I only have to have one. All right, that's the first thing I do. I really want to do this, and it's like, you know what, I love her, Um, I think I want to build a family, because we're talking

about they're immature. When I was, I was immature. Your immature, most immature. Do I really want to do this? Okay, okay, okay, I love her, I'll do this. But then it's like she's sending him rings because you were sending me rings, and clearly she's sending him rings because she wants. So if she's sending rings, she's probably sending engagements. So this

is what I would want to have happen. If she's sending that, it's like, this is the wedding cake I want, This is the So now it's like, okay, she got a whole vision board board. And now, as a man, you're thinking, this is my responsibility to provide for my wife because it's happy wife, happy life. And as much as women want to say now, because women will come out now and be like, I can provide for myself. You're not buying your own engagement ring. You don't want

to pay for your own wedding by yourself. You don't want to be responsible for the mortgage by yourself. So that's all bullshit. It's just stuff that they want to say. But to be honest, this is what men be thinking about because my young boys who have been with their girls who they just got out of college. They have some school that they got girls they've been with through college. Like your coach, d I want to get engaged, but I don't got no ends. I'm like, what you mean.

He's like, yo, I got no ends. Like by the end of the month, were just like in the beginning. I feel like, oh, I was able to save the first is around the corner. So I'm like, I get a date night and I'm talking about and I'm talking about college educated men who played some sports, talking about type kids. He's a good guys, good guys who are grown men who are saying this is what I go through. And it's not like to blame women or to blame

men at all, but let's be honest. The whole idea of the American dreams stems from white people who have generational wealth built off the bats of our people so back, and you know, they have things that they don't got

to deal with like we got. That is true because once you get married, you got one side of the family giving you a down payment for the house, the other side paying for the way for the coming out of the walking out with whatever you came in with pleasant gifts, you know, from people who bring gifts to weddings, which in our community sometimes they this is the truth. Here on top of that, you bring a card to bring some money what on top of that? Right, and

that's that's another thing. When you have a wedding in the black community, it's not like you have a wedding in the white community. And this is the truth. People bring gifts in the white community. People will pay for their plate and give you a gift. So now if you've got three hundred people, for example, we have three seventy five threety people. Right, if everybody bought a gift and pay for their wedding, that's a hundred dollars per person.

We walk away with thirty three thousand dollars. Makes sense, right, So now one family pays for the wedding, the other one gives you a down pay in the house, and you have thirty three thars go on your bank account. If I came from a family with generational wealth and from a culture where we had generational wealth to pass down, getting married is not as it's not a startups a

startup business. But for most black people, you come into this life with debt because you're family has had debt, and why does your family have debt because of redlining? Because redlining means that we weren't able to have property and own property and pass it down to our families. We have poor educational systems. We're still generational generations away

from Jim Crow. So now it's like, as a black man or a black woman, you're looking at these things on social media saying this is what I want, But then you're not thinking about how did that person get that right? Or how are we living after this sixties video? You know what I mean? And how many people we know got credit card debt from paying for big rings, big weddings. Then they get married and now you've got

the spouse that you wanted. But now y'all in forty dollars worth of debt because of a ring and a wedding, and y'all hate each other and you get in a divorce and that's and and that's what we think. She said, what do y'all think? That's what we think? That's what I think. I think y'all need to go back into each other's histories of life. Understand who y'all are. Understand where your families are coming from. Understand how you'll be able to do these things and live for the next years.

Don't think about this moment, think about for the next of When you're thinking about that ring that you want, think about if he can afford this ring and pay a mortgage and for him. Don't be like me and let your ego make you make a poor decision, because my ego made me make a poor decision. Just you know, just say I can't do this right now, babe. Rings are made to be upgraded, like get like get that little joint in the beginning. You know, you celebrate a

five year, ten year anniversary. Absolutely absolutely, like girl, don't make me look don't make us look bad. And I'm gonna be honest. It ain't only that they only women, because I know some dudes who will get a ring that they know they can't afford. And then it's like, bro, Bro, you took out, you took out a loan, You got a fifteen year mortgage on that ring. Bro, you canna be paying that all forever. You still got to get a wedding and pay for a house. I think our

egos gotta kind of chill a little bit. As people. You know what I'm saying, and do what's well within your means. But sit down and talk it out. That's what me and Cadein did. We talked it out. And also know that there is no wrong decision, because even though me and Cadein can look back now and say that was a wrong decision, at the time, it was a decision we made and we made it work. We made it work. We made it works. The fact that the sacrifice. Do what you gotta do to make it

work right. Fabulous. If you'd like to be featured as one of our listener letters, email us at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com. If I want to spell it out for them, that's d E A D A S S A d V I see at gmail dot com. That's my favorite part, it's your favorite part. Yes, I love it. My moment of truth is the moment I was truthful with myself. Was the moment I was able to say, you know what, Cadein, you can be more valuable to every relationship that you have if you know

your purpose and what you're here for. And it's ok sies for that to be a work in progress for you. So for those of my those are my folks out there for you and you and you you who are still trying to figure out why you're here and what your purposes. It's okay, there's not necessarily a timeline on that, but just don't drive your spouse crazy in the process. Absolutely, I I appreciate you saying that. Yes, and we drove

each other crazy. We did what we still do. My moment of truth is this, The true value of a spouse exists in their ability to find their own happiness. Yeah, you see, you see that. You see I was off the top. That was that was off the dome, That was off the dome. The true see I can repeat it. The true value spouse is in the spouse's ability to

find their own happiness. Because if you find your own happiness, you can then do what share it with your spouse facts, and then you'll be in one happy ass house exactly or apartment or whatever whatever it is. See be happy together, happy spouse, happy house for sure. Be that's cute, happy throws, happy house. I like that. Be sure to find us on social media, y'all dead ass the podcast on Instagram, and you know where to find me Cadeine I am,

and you know where to find me. That's I am Devout And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review, and subscribe. Dead as Baby dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and it is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the Podcasts and never miss a Thing