Change is coming

each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of the live's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Then adds to the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Were about to take pillows off to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now, all right, karaoke times. If I was been trying to take over karaoke, and I know that y'all missed hearing me in my terror for me, so I said, you know what did out today? I got karaoke. You know, I'm starting to get a little nasal because you know, with the blood flow and the baby and stuff like that, I'm starting to sound a little like, you know, blaming my baby and there for

a lot of stuff. Let me tell you, Okay, breathing is getting harder. But you know, can't you see what I think going through? Jamana be with you? Mican? Ain't Jamaican? Oh? I was giving Mary's Verse anyone to be with changes I think going through because I want to baby with you? Baby, don't you not be with me? I love how us Jamaican love reggae beat on every song. I mean, it could be R and B, it could be Seal, it does, it does slash and whoever remixed that song to a

reggae beat. We're talking changes, y'all. Changes. I thing going through because I won't want to be with you. That's a great song, it is, and I appreciate the changes, baby, baby, that's talk about these changes now? Storytime, story time, I got a story teme, I didn't even tell. Okay, what story I'm gonna tell. It's funny because i'm looking it. I'm just like, huh, I wonder what you're gonna come up with, because you told some other funny ones related

to me and my changes. So this story in particular has everything to do with picture taking. Okay, okay, y'all know I love my wife. She's very beautiful. Y'all know, I know all her angles. Right, So we're taking pictures and I'm like down here doing my things. Snap snap, sneaky the snap snap. She's looking at the pictures. She's like, no, no. So I'm like, why what, Why do you keep saying no? She's like, just take it again and take it. She keep moving her arm around, moving the front, moving in

the bag, moving across the face. I'm like, clean, what the hell is wrong with you? Right? I was trying to get what it was supposed to give to the hold on. I said, what is wrong with you? She's like kind of like, none of them pictures. I'm like, why your face look flawless? She goes look at my under arms. She raises her under arms and she got like two testicles under each under arm my under arms look like ball sacks, y'all. I would show y'all with

I had on a dcent, decent bra. And we come to find out that when you start to latate, your glands get swollen underneath the arm. You have lymph nodes and milk ducks that are under the arm pencil. For some women when their milks, if I comes in in addition to milk, you get very swollen, very painful all pits. So the funny things when what made me laugh was when I go cann wasn't better look at my under arms. Look,

it looks like it dies. It looks like screaming, and I have and I'm trying to be serious and I'm trying to comfort her, but I have no other instinct but to laugh, because you know, I was telling the truth, and it's like and literally it was like one of my arm pits like had a fold in it where it looked literally like a vagina, and then the other one looked like a baby ball sack. So she was just like, I got genital pits. I got general. I'm like,

who calls their arm pits genital pits? Then she refused to take any pictures and just walked away because even when my arms are down, it's like you can still see the protrusion. Very self conscious about my arm pits all hence why I'm wearing sweatshirts all season. In the money, turned the air up to I know, mem me turn she made me got the thermostat on Jamaica, the air back down. Pregnant women go through with their bodies and

the changes you would laugh. It ain't for the weak it hut, No, it's not all right, So back to story time. That's one of the many things that we're talking about today is the changes that we go through as women and I feel like as men, because you guys have some changes that happened simultaneously as we go through the pregnancy change, I mean just changes and having to adjust not physical, but just changes and sometimes how you have to adjust how you even handle us with care,

because that's very very important things. I feel like. So in the very top of the show, you said that you know I've changed a lot from pregnancy one to four, and I feel like you have as well too. I think for me, when I think about your how you've changed, is your level of understanding, your level of like foreseeing things before they happen, because you kind of know what it is, which I appreciate. The final one, the final one, y'all know how you started, how you finish? No overtime, overtime,

no overtime. Can I say that to each no over time? I got it, I got it. I'm done too, I'm done. I think this jumper and go out like a chimp. No more ball sacks to be had over here. Whether it be my arm, armpits, or my uterus. That's it. That's it. Let me tell you when when um, this is just a moment of transparency. When we first got together, right and as a young man, you think about, you know,

her body, how it's going to change through pregnancy. You know, when I first met you, I was just like, man, her body is just perfect. It's amazing. I wonder what the changes are going to be, you know, from having a child. And you hear certain things from certain people that like, oh, woman gets better after pregnancy, her hips spread, you know, she gains a little weight, Like it's good. You know what I'm saying that Some people is like, oh,

my wife or my girl never bounced back. She gained seventy eight pounds and then she just you know, stayed that way. So my thought process was always how could I get you mentally to feel comfortable going through the changes your body is going to go through? You know what I'm saying, because I could only imagine having to gain weight because you have no choice but to gain weight, and then having to lose it, only to gain weight again with another baby, just to lose it again, then

to gain weight again. So um, for me, it was just about like, what's the best way I can help codeem? And we we talked about some of the ways to help you through the changes. It's physical activity. And when we say physical activity, people think go to the gym, and no, the average person in America doesn't even walk twenty minutes a day. So as a pregnant woman, if you just walk twenty minutes every single day, you put yourself in better physical shape and the baby in shape,

and also you put yourself in better mental shape. Yeah, that's one thing I didn't I didn't know that. I thought at first, you were just trying to get on me because about statement, trying to get on physiology, kinesiology, study, study, psivity and literally he's always tryna it on me. So um, but no, that was something that I know I needed

because I always feel better anyway when I move, you know. However, I'm at the point now where it's towards the end of the pregnancy, third tramps there, so walking in general it's just starting to get harder for me. And I don't know if it's because my body kind of knows, you know, it has a little bit of a memory about what has happened before. I don't think you should take aquick break. We'll be back, all right. So we're back. Let's walk people through the changes so that they know.

For example, this is just one example. I remember I was better equipped with Cairo and Kas because we went through with Jackson. Your groin area and your hips got real tight and sore, and at the time we didn't know what it was what it was from, so we were she's just wildling, she's just pregnant. That we didn't do much exercising and preparation for that. Fast forward to Cairo and Kas when I started to study more about different types of labor and a lower back labor and

babies being breaching, stuff like that. We learned about inversions and learning how doing different stretches and holding a pregnant woman upside down can ultimately relieve her of that pressure so she doesn't waddle as much, It doesn't have that

feeling like she's gonna the baby's gonna drop right. Shout out to my midwife Takia, because because she was the one who really introduced us to those inversions, and those are things that we had to of course do very safely because you know, it required Devout to literally like hold him, hold me on his feet, my entire body weight upside now. And so fellas, don't skip le day,

don't y'all were ever debating about it. Don't do it so that way you will be able to assist your significant other or the mother of your child to make sure that she can then do these little exercises, to be careful to do it safely. Yet to my sisters are doing versions. Remember she was a high and we did inversions. And what we've come to find out too. For example, we just had a friend recently that gave birth and ended up having to have a c section,

but was in labor for three days. Come to find out, the baby's chin was like awkward against her, like her pelvit cubit burn or something. Yeah. Yeah, so my midwife was just like man in that case, it would be she probably would have been a prime candidate to maybe invert the baby or invert herself to then slide the baby a little bit out of the pelvis area so

she can readjust to be delivered naturally. So there's like so many things that you don't even really take into account, and sometimes you just being in that situation, being in the hospital, if it's your first baby, you really just lean on, of course the advice of medical professionals and stuff.

But there's some ways that we've learned over the course of these three pregnancies or fourth now, um, to just kind of alleviate some of those things that would probably have me a lot more miserable on a day to day basis. That was that was the major change for me from your body. But what was like some of the minor change that you didn't expect other than the you know, of course the lat yes time around or just any of them that like we can tell the

listeners like look out for this or if this happens. Well, I mean there's some common ones I feel like, um, you know, there's the emotional changes of course that happened, particularly in the first trimester. When you think about it, there's you know, feeling the excitement and the positivity and and you know you're happy, your joy full, You're feeling you know, excited, and then you also have those where you're just maybe some people are in disbelief, some people

are anxious, worried, you know, into tearfulness. It really depends on I think where you are in your life. Was just something that was planned? Was it not planned? You know? Have you been trying for a long time? Have you not? So for me, I think I had to deal with in the very beginning, particularly this last pregnancy, is dealing with the idea and the feeling of being excited and happy, but also to like, oh, I know what's coming with morning sickness and feeling super super upset that I was

putting myself through this again. In a way, That's why I had said on a previous podcast this season that you know, being able to kind of exist in that dual space of being excited but also still feeling like I want a bitch and moan about my position right now, I feel like it should be accepted and it should be welcome because it is a thing where you're gonna have days where you feel great and days where you don't,

you know. So that's one of the biggest changes that I think happens, particularly early through each pregnancy, is the emotional roller culture that you're on, and then not to mention, you know, the physical things, you know, the vomiting, the nausea, the weight gain, that moment when you feel like, Okay,

I'm pregnant. Other people may not know I'm pregnant, but I just have this like bloated feeling where it doesn't quite look like a baby yet and my stomach is its shaped like a bump, but there's definitely something going on there and it's been going on for the past twelve weeks. That's also something that mentally, sometimes you're just like, damn, like, you know, let me at least get a little bump so people can know I'm pregnant and I didn't just

gain a bunch of weight. Because people also are very insensitive as well too. It's like you post a picture and you have a little, you know, a little food baby or something, and they feel like, oh my god, she's pregnant, and you get all the pregnancy speculations in your comments or something like that, you know, interest, especially when we've talked about pregnancy so much, like we have to be fair to some of the people who support us.

I've talked so much about wanting a child, that one, and another one and another child, that they always just expecting for an announcement, so they're like looking for it, you know what I'm saying that, like, let me see if And plus you're always in shape, so it's like if you're always in shaping and they see you and you look a little out of shape, they're wondering almost you know, kind of excite, excited for us, you know.

But I think people do need to realize the the emotional distress it can cause a woman if they're not pregnant early in the pregnancy and hoping that everything makes it so you can get to the second trimester. But in particular, I was talking about the physical changes you as a woman have had to deal with that because there's a lot of times I catch you looking in the mirror and you just be naked, and then I'm just looking at you and watch, yeah, do we watch

you all the time? I hear you go, I'm like, what's the man? And you just say nothing, nothing, nothing, I'm like just talking. It was the matter, you'd be like, my nipples dark. I'm just like and then you've been like looking got look at a little bumps and it's like Bill, like my nipples just like bro like talk about some of the changes in your body that women can see. But they go back to normal because I know women get afraid, like, my body is never gonna

be like it. Well, that's the one thing. The areola and the nipple area, they do get very dark and they get bigger. So what I've heard is that that particular area darkens because babies who are newborns they only see in black and white, in the very very bass what they see. You were gonna say that out here lying We pulled a thousand newborns and here's what they had to say. I need to see dark round nipples. If the nipples ain't dark brown, I don't know where

to eat. You know what I'm saying, Do tell my mom to get a nipples? That's it exactly. And then it's just ones that are like for people who are a fairer complexion, do they get that dark? I don't know. I've never asked a bunch of women. Hey, can you show me like you're you're nursing kitties. But with with me, I know, they get particularly darker. And then I was happy to see that they actually do return, you know, the gentleman. The nipples will be back to how they'll

be back. They'll be tougher than ever. Let me tell you, after having kids, sucking on them and then pumping and all that good stuff. I mean, your nipples developed a durability that you never thought they'd durable nipples during pregnancy. You see, you get better with time later, durable nipples. And it's funny too because even like the sensation of it. Sometimes like you'll come over and you'll be wanting to like just like brush up on them, where typically I

might like that and I'd be like, touch me. Change. That's a very important change. Her nipples used to be a very erotic place for her, but after the babies and even during pregnancy pregnancy, they are not that spot. But after about two years because once you know, cats got a little older than it was just like that, that's when you said to come out a lot like you real my titties, and I'm like, well, for the past three years, you be telling it's one of us.

Like you know that the red Light green Light game that you play as kids when you're just like running and you stopped running stop. I can imagine how confused he is sometimes because I just depends on the day. They really just depends on the day. No, But this is why these conversations are important, because a lot of dudes to be like, yo, my girl's crazy, and I'll be like, no, she's not crazy. Girls pregnant like and I ain't gonna lie after them. With Jackson, I would

have no clue. So I was just like that. I was like, I don't know what's wrong with code. She owned something. I think she's working too much. And you we also have the whole thing with my parents. Both of them worked. My mom worked the full time while she was pregnant, and your mom worked full time pregnant. So in this day and age, like, for example, you see on me all the time, but I had to do this, had to do that. And my response used to be like, well, my mom worked a full time

job and had two kids and still did everything. And you don't realize as a young man how insensitive that can be. As a woman is going through changes absolutely, but we didn't. We didn't know. I can't expect. I don't care what your mother dad. I don't care what my mother did. This is what I'm going through. Didn't talk about that, but they did do it. Shout out to her mom's that yes, birth is all naturally breast fed us all, and yes that was like that hard um.

But there's other changes. I mean, of course, stretch marks are a big thing. You know, people will sometimes see on Instagram and I'll post, you know, a video or whatever. They're like, what is getting to do to keep her stomach, you know, stretch mark free. I do have stretch marks actually, um, it's just the position of where they are. And then Devout will always you know, I'll hand them the cocoa

butter or the shade butter. I'll get some of the raw stuff, um vitam and eat oil and just I like to keep my stomach um, just really massage and stuff because as you get bigger, two in the skin stretches, you start to get a little itchy, and those are areas that you know might be prone to stretch marks. And I've heard some of it is genetic too, because my mom, bless her heart has not one stretch mark

after three children, not one. Well, I mean stretch marks because you see you see women who just gains weight and get exactly I had stre happen when you get some cake. I take pride in knowing that she doesn't want to have stretch marks. So rubbing the belly and always making sure is lifted like, that's part of what I feel like, it's part of my job. I'll ask like, when's the last time you mortized? When the last time you rub your belly? Do you need to rub down?

I I do that in part because one, I know why she goes through the changes. She still needs me to be present. But number two, it's like, if you admire your woman's body, and you admire admire it looking a certain way, I think it's responsible for you to take ownership of how you're gonna help her stay that way. You know. I tell K all the time that I feel like it's my responsibility just as much as I'm

on myself about looking good. If I want to keep a six pack and look good and I want my wife to look good, I have to be just as responsible with being on her about it. You know, I'm saying it's not enough to just be like, well, that's her responsibility, let her do it, let's do it together. I'm the support is definitely welcomed, and sometimes it's it's annoying. It's a lot of times annoying. But do I care? But do I care? I do care? And do I

do I care if it's annoying. No, there's another thing, gentlemen, that that young person in there. You have just as much right to that young person in as she does. And if you know something that's better for her and it's gonna help her, you put your foot down and stick to your guns and make sure she gets it done. When we were before she was pregnant, when it came to training, I'll be like, yo, we need to go work out. You need to hit them squats, the dead lives,

the sprints, this this and that. But now it's not about aesthetics. It's about being healthy. So I'm like, then, did you get on the bike today for twenty minutes? Did you walk? And You'll get an attitude and my face will not change and I'd be like, you can be mad or you want, but that's our child. And if we're both supposed to be responsible, I have to hold you accountable for what you need to do for that child in there. So it's okay for you to

put your foot down. Of course, do it with Karen Love, but as her body goes through changes, make it a part of your life to be like, yo, if my wife didn't work, we're gonna walk together. We're gonna go outside. There's many Yeah, there's many times too where I'm just like, man, it's like, don't so don't want to walk on the treadmill. Y, I'm used to like to a sprints in the treadmills are more fun for me. So he'll be like, let's

go outside. The sun's going down the outside walk where the kids will be outside sprinting, and they're like, mom, let's go, and they literally a family thing. So it's more fun when it when it happenstance. But I do appreciate you saying, and I think it's very true that you do have every right to be concerned about how I am carrying your child and showing that support is

definitely something. I don't feel like I'm being badgered, but I do feel like it's it's a concern that's warranted, and you know why, even on the get back to after I have this baby too, because because if you say that's what you want, if that's what you want, I'm gonna be on you. But I'm saying I want this. I'm gonna help you get this. But the most important thing for me with keeping Condinne active was labor because the changes in a woman's body through pregnancy lets you

know labor is getting more near. The closer we got to the end, Codeine's hips started to get a little bit more loose because the hips get lubricated as you're ready for labor. So as she's walking, she's feeling a little bit more soreness, and that happens in all the joints. So you have to be cognizant as as a father to say, this is what my wife is going through. I know her body, I know what's gonna happen, you know, So you have to be prepared when you you stretch

your out. Not only do we do the inversions, but we do manual stretches. I can feel like, Okay, she's a little bit more flexible this week. That means that body is really getting ready to open up for that baby to come out. And I want the labor to go as smoothly as possible, because the Black maternal mortality rate in this country is higher three to one than any other race. I think it's higher three to one

in any other race. And we're only fifteen percent of the population, which makes Black women die at a higher rate. And a lot of that has to do one with poor health care. Poor health care in this country for Black American accessibility, but also what we eat and how active we are. Right and I was thinking about even just things that you're predisposed to just face on, genetics

and things like that. So me knowing that high blood pressure, diabetes, hypertens, like all these things run in my family, you know, So how can I, even just outside of pregnancy, try to negate some of those things ahead of time, because you're normally during pregnancy is when you'll see if you have any underlying issues, they'll start to kind of rear their ugly heads. Like this morning, I just did a

my glucost tests. You know, you know, you have to fast and then you drink this not so nice solution. You wait for an hour, then they draw your blood and then you get the result back to let you know how your sugar levels are, but most women find out at that point they could be pre pre diabetic. They could um have an onset of diabetes in the future, or something that's kind of active in the body that

that hasn't shown up yet. So that being said, I think it's just of important tens to always make sure that as your body is going through these changes, you try to keep up with it, because again, labor two in itself, it's actually that it's labor like your body is going through work and um. I had a moment the other day with Devout where I was just like, oh my God, Like I have moments, actually several moments

like this. I don't tell them about everyone, but I do have moments where I'm just like, okay, great, I'm pregnant, and I'm just like wow, I look at my stomach and I feel this little person moving around, Like this particular baby is like super super active. My my nickname for him is kung Fu Panda because he's in there like old day every day, just moving repressively, like moving

like really really strong. So I just thought about it and I'm like, bro, there's no other way for you to get out of here than like like there, and I'm just like, then I started to get flashbacks of like labor pain and all that, and I'm like, oh god, I have to be ready for it. So I think the more active I stay, the shorter my labors have been historically over time. So I'm anticipating that he might just push the eject but by himself and be like,

hey guys, I'm here. They say, by the time you get to your third fourth child, it's easier and easier and easier, especially since your body for a smooth homebirth to definitely praying for complications, but I just I want to I just want to continue to punch. How I point it is for spouses to be there with their their wife going through it, like as these changes happen, all the emotional changes, it's going to be aggravating. Like don't don't expect everything to be smooth sailing. We're like,

we're not telling you these things. Like I say, k let's go work out, and she's just like, you know what, honey, we're gonna work out together. She'd be like, it'd be arguments, it'd be debates. Tell me, when's the last time you were pregny, when's the last time you had a body growing it. When's the last time you made some bones? And I just look, I look at her like this, and I'm like, so you're gonna get your sneakers because

what I'm not gonna do is just argue. I'm just gonna let her know what needs to be done, and that's okay. And the fact that you'll arguing stuff while pregnant, that's okay too, because that's gonna happen. So you know, I feel like people just need to understand, like the pregnancy thing is not gonna be easy with all the changes, is a different level of adversity. And as long as you vocalize what you need from each other and continue to work together, this baby is gonna come. Come quickly,

come safely. Agreed. Good stuff, bro, good stuff. I don't know. You keep forgetting, sorry, forget something else that we experienced when you talk about changes. Let me tell you I forget our handshake all of time. But changes. Baby brain is a real thing. So if somebody tells you they forget when they're on seconds, there's a such thing as baby brain, and it takes a while to get back. And I think it must be like a kid brain thing. Too, because as you have more kids, you just tend to

forget more ship. Or is that you have more ship on your plates? So you just keep you want Never forget that are you coming from my name? Never forget that he's coming coming from my name called random amnesia, He's coming from my neck y'all. You know what, let me let this guy take a break real quick because he's about to set me off. You don't want to do that? All right, Let's go take a break speaking

and spending money. Let's go get these ads in, yes please, all that, all that stuff, and then we'll be back. All right, we're back for Codeen's favorite part of the show. I think they know that by now, yes they do. Let's see what we got going on here today. Should I read the first one? Or you want to go? Baby's up to you? Where do you want to thanks? I'll take it away? Then you want to do still bringing true to this day? All right? I'm t was

a good age. I'm and I've been married to that part, and I've been married to my husband for almost three years now. My husband is a few years older than me. Most girls my age might not want a man, Oh my sorry, I might want a man who's going to spoil them with materialistic things. But for me working two jobs, I'm okay with getting spoiled with non materialistic things like coming home to a clean house or a massage from time to time. Getting those things from my husband is

literally like pulling ears or is it pulling teeth? Yeah, that's true. Um, he doesn't understand that supporting me can sometimes mean him helping me with keeping up with the house or doing things that require more than hitting send on cash app. I've been really turned off by the whole dynamic in our marriage. I have no one to turn to. Whoever I bring it up to makes it seems like me wanting my husband to contribute to the household, chores and things is not what a wife should be

asking of her husband. Truth is, I'm always tired. I have a lot on my shoulders and no one gets it. With that being said, how do you guys do it? Do you want to answer? Because you I mean, I'm okay with a cash app from time to time, me theven mo me sell me. But I know I do understand like that. Sometimes it's a lot, especially when it comes to maintaining the household and Um, that's not your

love language. This like we've spoken about love languages in the past, and maybe he's not fully aware of what your love language is. It will save him a lot of money in the long run. But I think it's also the thoughtfulness that it's taken out of the situation because it's easier to hit send on a cash app than it is to actually do Manu labor in the house.

What would suggest, what I would suggest is take that money he cash you aft you says, and get you help, Get you a housekeeper, get you get you, get you a made, get you a chef, get you a massuse whatever it is that you need, Like you know what, since you can't seem to understand that this is something that I need and want um and you may not want to actually do it, and it's easier for you to just send the cash app, use the cash up

and find you some help. I feel like at this point in time, Deval and I have come to We were just talking about this on the car line picking up Jackson from school the other day, and we are at a point in our life now where if there's certain tasks that we can outsource for to make time for each other, to make time for our children, to

make time for just downtime ourselves. If it makes the workload that much easier and it's feasible and it's affordable for us, why not get that help so that way you have time on the back end to do the things you really want to do or the things that you need to do or at those self care moments. Why not you said everything? Did I agree? No? I really disagree. I feel like if you're both working, because it didn't say that he's at home and he doesn't work.

She says that he works and he buys her gifts as a way to show his love. It seems as if they both work enough with you can afford to get have someone help you outsource some task that you don't want to do at home. It's wrong with that. I think the idea of traditional gender roles has it's gone, like it's just gone. And like both men and women work. So if both men and women work, you can't just say to a woman, you gotta be at home and cook, or you can't say to a man, well, now you

say she's working, you that he works too. If both of y'all work, and you'll have extra funds, hire a cleaning lady, order some food, hire a chef, like, there's nothing wrong with that. And I mean, I don't want to sound like an elitist because you know, people say, well, when you have money, you can do things like that. But the truth in the matter is no one is

relegated to role responsibilities in the marriage. If you both work, whatever you can do, whether you're gonna pay the out so with it or you're going to alternate back and forth to get it done, just do it so you'll have more time to spend together. And I mean she did say he's working, she's working two jobs, so he's cash having her money. So it's not like they're trying to like pull this money from, you know, a budget

that they didn't want. They don't tell you, you know, if this extra money where She's just like, man, but I don't necessarily want something materialistic right now. I just need some help then for the help. That's why I don't really have much to say, because that really makes the most sense as opposed to arguing about who's going to do it all right, fanantics of it all, it's just not even worth it. I have a friend who said that she wanted to hire a cleaning lady one time.

It still when it come like once a month to be like a deep clean she could maintain throughout the month, but her husband was not comfortable with someone else being in the house. So, I mean, like anything, I feel like it's the same thing with us. We kind of vet somebody. You're in the house while they're cleaning, you know, a couple of times until you develop a relationship with

the person. Um. So people are just very personal and they don't want people in their space, which I get to see if you can find something that works for you, guys, and I think that will be probably end up a lot of this a lot of the issues here because that's what we do. If it's something that we can get help with, we're not afraid to ask. Ye. If finances are not an issue, hire someone, yeah, outsourced to help. Yeah exactly. It doesn't have to be a chef every night.

It could be Yeah, were you just tired? Like you just tired? So I'm like, I'm not, I'm not doing this. What do you want we do that? Either? We order fool like nobody feel like breakfast for dinner. It's the easiest thing sometimes I'm like, you know, let me go make some waffles real quick, cold of today. Good luck to y'all. All right, Number two, my wife and I have been together since two thousand and five and we're

both from a small Mississippi town. We are a military family who lives in Alaska, and as you can guess, no friends. Despite what people may think, being military doesn't mean you have tons of friends and family. Not to mention, it's COVID outside right. We've been married for seven years now.

We been together basically our whole life. I just got finished watching your episode on monogamy expectations, and bro, you have no idea how much my life mar is yours aside from a football career, but alpha male speaking hope that makes sense. The thing is, I'll go without intimacy of any kind for peace. U for my wife to be happy, I'll suffer in peace. I understand that we have two small kids, ages three and seven. I get it.

She's tired, she works, she's a great mom. She does everything right in my eyes, and that's in great mom. She's everything right in my eyes. I thought, I almost although I almost agree with everything. Let's be honest, she's going to be right at the end of the day anyway. So yeah, I give in and agree with everything, just to keep the peace. My point is, behind closed doors, when there's no kids, when you're all alone and it's only you thinking of yourself in your head, what is

your mental like to confrustration? How do you free your mind? Yes, I work out, I have other things I can do to stay busy, But how do you mentally decompress and go into a state of instant reboot when you know you're right a lot of the times, and you know you're a good dad, a husband. Well he was talking right to you, right to you. This guy wants, well,

here's this is this the thing? First of all, I'm going to just apply this to pregnancy, right when when you and when you're pregnant, you just don't want to upset your wife spiritually or emotionally. So I spent a lot of time just yessing and then screaming into a pillow or just like breathing heavily on my own just you're getting a drink, just to avoid debating or arguing, so that you don't feel bad, because just two lives that stay here. But that's just a pregnancy. But that's

just a pregnancy game. It's like, but when she's not pregnant, Okay, you have every right to demand what you want and what you need in life, just like a woman has every right. They always say happy wife, happy life, and men are supposed to just bow down and say yes to whatever their wife wants. No fucking way. It is a two way street. Men are entitled to get the piece they want to deserve out of life, just like

women are. There's as much as when my wife is pregnant and I try to make sure she's happy, I expect the same from her if we're in this together. We did a whole podcast about serving your partner when you choose to get married. You don't get married for what you can gain. You get married for what you can give to someone else. You choose that this person I want to be of service too. That's not A husband is supposed to be a service to their wife all the time thing, and a wife is supposed to

be of service in him all the time. And the other one will have to do nothing. No, you both have to so what you should constantly do. And it's not an easy thing. Because this took us years to figure out is learn how to communicate your needs and your wants, and hopefully your wife will prove over time that she's in this marriage to be as of service as you clearly sound like you are to her. He sounds like, sounds like a very this is a very

positive you know, note that he's sending here. And I think that sometimes, you know, that's why I was needing to get our foot on our neck every now and again, you know what I mean, not in the but not in the physical sense. But yeah, sometimes we need that that pressure, that discussion to be had, that uncomfortable conversation, that moment to be like, man, I'm dropping the ball, or that moment to be like damn, like I'm not holding up to my end of the bargain, or there's

a deficit. You know, I'm not quite adequate right now. And I think we need that. So that's something like like you said, we've had to just kind of work on over time. Um. I think it comes with maturity as well too. It seems like they've been married for what does he say, together? So they've been together for a minute, been married for seven years. I know how it is sometime soon when you have the small kids and you get into the monotony of life, and you

come and you go, and things just get into a routine. Um, so that refocusing is very necessary. So I think, yeah, hopefully you and your wife are having these conversations if you're not trying to find a way to do it, because I don't feel like anybody, man or woman should be suffering in silence in a relationship. That's my that was my thing too. Like that's and that's been like the stigma about marriage for men for a long time, which is why women say all the time, why I'm

men so afraid of marriage? The stigma is that when you get married, you have to suffer in silence for the rest of your life. So your wife could be happy, happy wife, happy life. Who's going to sign up for that if that's the reality of marriage. Nobody? Because usually when when women say, oh my god, I'm getting married and engaged, women celebrating, they jump for joy and we high five each other and we work together. And then when men say it, it's just like a bro, damn,

why why why did you do that? What youre But but it's because of all of those stigmas, and that's the idea that there's no accountability for wives, which I think is not true. The good women that I know who are good wives are accountable to themselves and they hold their husband's accountable, which means men have the same responsibility as women to constantly be of service. So for example, this this one that doesn't pertain to them because he clearly states that he does what he's supposed to do,

he'll keep his peace. But there are some men who expect their wives to do all of these things, who don't continue to put coins in the bank throughout their marriage, you know what I'm saying. So it's not like women are supposed to things and you, as a man, don't have to do anything together, Like this's a collective thing. And I think people need to understand that from both sides. So hopefully if you follow us, you realize that accountability is huge in this house. And I ain't one size.

Accountability and service, and those are the two things that we talk about the most. So yes, and we've definitely seen start changes since we've been employing that. So and when I see he asked the question, he said, how do you free your mind? He said, yes, I work out and do other things like that. So well. Were since we're you know, we're dealing with the pregnancy thing. My my escapes are working out. Um, I watch a ton of movies, you know, I'm a we're studying. I

want to be a great actor. I'm working on that. So I focus on myself a lot in order to see, okay, with this time and this energy, how can I be better as opposed to soaking about what I can't get, especially why you're pregnant, because there's nothing you can do in this moment downtime for you to kind of just reinvest in yourself. We invest in myself and focus on myself, like there's no day loss. Every day you wake up, you make a decision if you're going to be better

or worst. Like you don't ever stay the same. If you do nothing, you get worse. If you work towards something, you get better. So I just make decisions to get better. Your vices can't become your escapes as a man. A lot of times that happens, and those vices can become alcohol, strip club, other women, um, even video games, things that take you away from your reality, because that's your way to just ignore what's wrong. You don't want to ignore

what's wrong? What what you should really do as a man, and say, listen, baby, partner, I would like for us to move in this direction. I want us to move there collectively. I don't want to constantly have to separate myself to avoid from killing you. You know what I'm saying, because that's ultimately what happened. So when you people become sociopaths and the psychotic, they're like, my wife is crazy, she won't do this, but I'm gonna be happy. So

you know what, I'm going to be happy. I much just work out every single day, start drinking, and I'm start going this and before you know what, you like, what happened to this guy? And it's like he kept looking for his piece elsewhere when realistically he wanted his piece in his home and his wife. Or a piece can be internal, yes, his piece can be internally. He should always seek peace internally first, because you only accept peace from someone else if you found peace at first.

But he seems like a real peaceful guy, like you know you do, trying to do the right thing. He says, he works out, He says, he understands that everything she does is right. Great mom, and he understands she's tired, but at the same time, you do want it's fair for him to say, well what about me too? Yes, yes, yes, And if it was the other wing around, I can see that too, absolutely right, y'all. These are two really

good letters. So if you're looking to be featured as one of our listening letters, y'all know what to do. Email us at dis advice at gmail dot com. That's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com. Knowing a truth time, So when it comes to changes, particularly physical changes and things like that, I've just kind of learned at this point that this is all temporary, or it can be temporary or it can be permanent, depending on the person.

But for me, I feel like if you make this is this is a temporary situation for you where you know that you're going to be devoting your your time, your energy, your body, everything to a new life, just knowing that there's a way to then get back and for some people it's not as easy. For some people, you're not back to where you were pre baby, especially for like a first baby, and you have so many changes that happen, but knowing that it gets better over time.

You know, it gets better over time. And I always say, if it didn't get better, than everybody would be single children, like nobody would have siblings and you know, such things as brothers and sisters if the trauma was that bad.

And as a woman, particularly who does go through childbirth and labor and delivery in pregnancy, there has to be that investment or that reinvestment in yourself post baby, for sure, because you kind of owe it to yourself to get back to that so you can feel like yourself again. So many women say I lost myself after having a baby. I don't know who I am, or I'm just so devoted to my child that now I don't know who I am, or my spouse doesn't know who I am.

And I think your spouse deserves to have who they fell in love with um or if it's your partner or whoever the person may be to you, they deserve to have the person who they fell in love with. And I think that when you have the support, it makes it that much easier to get back to who you were pre baby. So the changes are temporary. Better days are gonna come. We we definitely are in alignment. I wanted to say the same thing to speaking to all of the gentlemen who are going through this who

have questions. You fell in love with that woman before she got pregnant, and that's how you want her. Right If you say that out loud, they'll tell you that you're shallow or you're selfish. But it's okay to want the person that you fell in love with, but at the same time you also have a responsibility to help her through that process get there. It's not enough for you to say, well, I want you to get back to the way you was and then you just sit back and be like, well, go ahead and do it.

And that process doesn't start right after the baby. That process starts at conception. You know, the minute, the minute you speak life into into wanting a child. You gotta know at that point as a man, you have to help that woman through the first trimester, second trimester, third labor, and to get back process. And there's so many simple things you can do, especially just just walking with them.

You know, a physical touch helps us a lot. Me rubbing your stomach, me giving you back, well, help your shoulders has helped you a lot with the physical changes. So gentlemen, if you want your wife back and you can tell that she wants to be where she was and then physical changes are jumping on her back is your responsibility to carry her in them changes. So now be careful with jumping on your back when you're Pregnan. Because I heard that you can get pregnant while you're pregnant.

I forgot what the term it is, cold term for it. Yes, there's a term people have gotten pregnant while they're pregnant. Because I can't even imagine you being pregnant twice extent extended pregnancy. That would be insanity. So be sure to follow us you all on social media at dead as the Podcast, I'm Cadine, I am and I Am Devout, and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate,

review and subscribe. Dead as dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the Norapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the Podcasts and never miss a Thing h