Contrary to popular belief, I don't celebrate when my kids go back to school.
It's funny you say that, because my sound by today was that back to school time is actually a depressing time for me because I won't have my children with me full time.
Dead ass.
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout, and we're the Ellis's.
You may know us from posting funny videos with our.
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I'm going to talk about the last day of somewher for the kids because it was a realization for one of our kids in particular, and that was Cairo we had just came back from Mexico and were coming to Bahamas, and the Bahamas they had a really good time for about two and a half weeks. And we come back in the house and on the kitchen table is a pile up of school supplies.
Don't even get me started on the school supplies. We'll talk about that later.
And there was nothing more of a buzzkill for kids coming off of vacation and seeing composition notebooks, pencils, highlighters.
Sharpeners, paper yep.
So I'm sitting there at the table right and I'm like, yo, I'm getting hyped. Yo, it's back to school. And I was like yo, Cairo. I had my phone up because I was doing a video. I think ya have probably seen the video. I said, Cairo, man, you're not excited about back to school. He rolled his eyes like dad rolled his eyes. I was just like, oh, come in, Like, what's what's the matter. He was like nothing. I was like, you're not excited about going back to school?
No?
I was like, yo, I used to be mad I hyped to go back to school. I used to Yeah, it was all lies. I'm trying. I'm trying to create a different experience.
For my kids.
By for sure, you know lying about my excitement. But I used to I said to him myself, I used to be excited. Knew how I was excited. In the summertime, I didn't get a chance to see my friends. But now when I'm going back to school, I used to be excited because I get to see my friends. You're not excited, This little negro gonna look me right in the face and say, that's because you didn't have Wi Fi.
Fuck a friend. I got Wi Fi.
No, he sees his friends because of Wi Fi. He plays them, He plays them in the video game all the time. He talks to them every day, so he's not missing his friends.
And he has his brothers who are at built in built best friends that they're with each other all the time.
So yeah, I was kind of tight.
You're a little salty.
I was a little salty, but then and he was equally.
He was salty.
But then I got salty too because I was like, man, I'm losing one of my best friends with four of my best friends because they going.
Back to school.
And I think what I did wrong was I had us vacation up until that Saturday because that's when your dad was trying to squeeze the trip. And so you know, our kids are going back to school way earlier than New Yorkers. And he's like, all right, how long can y'all come forward? And I'm like, we can come till that Saturday and we have Sunday to recoup and then the school starts Monday. Yeah, don't nobody want to hear that shit?
The kids was pissed. Well, Jackson was ready to go back to school. He wanted to see his friends.
Kaz didn't care at all, but Cairo Carol got me piss because he said, I ain't have Wi Fi. ABC's simple as one two three, This easy's doory ABC one two three Baby You and Me girl.
Well, hey get it, dude, dance. I can relate to the baby you and Me park because it's actually been you and me the AB season and one two three, Yes, yes, all right, Now let's pay some bills we need to because I spent mad money on school supplies for the whole school, apparently having to shot for these three kids. So we'll be back after these ads. Alrighty and we're back.
So storytime was hilarious because Cairo literally was like looking like he was getting that much more depressed as the days ended in Mexico because we started to kind of bump up their bedtime. They were used to staying up all late till two three in the morning, your dad was coming to visit. They were watching movies till super late,
then sleeping till late. So you know how it is, you kind of have to retrain your body to get on that school schedule time because when you're waking up at six o'clock in the morning to head to first grade, it's not necessary the most pleasant thing. But it was interesting to me to really realize that I don't like to send my kids back to school, like I really thoroughly enjoy having our kids at home.
Yes, I feel like the pandemic quarantine stint when we had all of them at home and they were being homeschooled and virtual learning.
I won't say homeschool, they were doing virtual learning.
I don't want to discredit teachers, because teachers were still teaching, but it kind of gave me a sense of comfort that my children were where we were baby, you know, And you know there's a fear that happens once you have kids. That's actually like your heart beating with arms and legs and the head walking around on different places, different extra heartbeats walking around in different places. I just feel more comfortable when they're all.
In the house.
I feel the exact same way as you and I said it. I don't know if I said it on a podcast previously, but in the mornings when I'm getting the boys ready for school and they're walking through the door, I'm literally like praying every single day, like, Lord, just please watch over them while they're not in my presence, you know, keep them away from things that are not
meant for them, like keep them away from danger. And you know, you hear about all these school casualties that happen, and it's just that's every parent's fear every time your child leaves the house, and it doesn't just have to
be school. But for the sake of the topic today, we're talking about summer being over, the kids back in school, getting them back out of the house every day, which is kind of a relief in a sense because we do get a chance to kind of decompress a bit, chat we get to work, we get to film the podcast for you guys. But the headache that comes back to school shopping, homework, assignments, projects. Then there's the after school schedules, right, all the activities, all the practices, all
the games. Then knowing that my weekends aren't my weekends anymore because football games and then eventually basketball games, the morning wake ups, like it should not be a thing to have to wake up before the sun.
I'm gonna talk.
About waking up and feeling depressed because yeah, it's super dark, you know.
So I have interesting take on this I want to hear first.
I want to hear you, like, go over what it is to plan in the morning to get these kids ready for school, and I want you to go through all of that, and I'm gonna give you my interesting take. Well, I haven't even discussed this with you yet because I wanted you to be like I wanted to be authentic when I tell you what I believe. Okay, so you tell me what First of all, how much did it cost?
Supplies? Close? All of that?
Okay.
So one thing that I've realized in now having four children, a husband, and then all the stuff we have going on career wise as individuals and collective planning and organizing needs to be on the forefront of everything for us, right, So me knowing that Okay, summertime is two months, I know by the time I blink these two months are going to be over. So how do I A maintain spending time with the kids, quality time, allowing them to
have some fun with their friends. Also to making sure that you and I are clearing our schedule to be deliverer, deliberate about having time with them. Like, there's so many things that went into my mind foreseeing what the two months was going to look like. I knew that we were going to be on our vacation and then having
our family vacation. Then the extended family vacation left me very little room to do back to school shopping, and one thing I was trying to avoid doing was throwing bows up in Target or Walmart, trying to fight over the last binder because it can get very very hairy out there. The kids each have for each class a list of supplies that the teachers are requesting in order to get them through the school year. So they get everything in bulk and I'm assuming there's someplace that they
store everything. But also too what I've learned and having my rants on my Instagram stories and TikTok and whatnot. Is that when you're shopping for back to school and they're requesting, for example, three boxes of twenty four count crayons, it's not three boxes for your child. There may be some children in the class who may not be able
to bring all those supplies in. Or teachers said that kids don't like to color with crayons that have been used, so after a while, when they starts to look a little ugly, they want a new.
Crazy I got to go back there.
They asked you to buy three box of crowns just in case another kid doesn't have crayon.
Yes, that's what When teachers were writing into me because I made a comment about like, why does chiron Cast need six boxes of crayons collectively three apiece for their classes, and some teachers said that you're pretty much providing a backstock because there may be children who don't have supplies or can't bring supplies in, or some can bring in one box and not three, and the teacher needs to
get through the school year. Because we already know the struggle teachers have for supplies just getting from the government.
I understand that, I just don't understand we pay high property taxes here, chat, high property taxes to send our kids to the best public schools here in this area. On top of the high property taxes, you want me to buy crayons for other people's kids? We got four kids? What about the people like us who have four kids? This stuff ain't cheap now, you know me, I don't mind helping people as much as I can.
Yeah, but that's why, Oh, these hot taxes.
The school can't provide uh, crayons.
I guess you know. Teachers get what they get. But I've seen a lot of teachers the teachers.
To provide it, we pay high property taxes. Them school need to be providing credit.
They might need to be up in some of some board meetings and whatnot. See where the hell the money's going.
Teachers shouldn't have to provide neither. Teachers don't even get paid enough. So to ask a teacher to provide the crowns.
And any teachers who I know, they tell me how much out of pocket they end up spending just because they want their children to have that experience. So, being a parent who's totally in solidarity with my children's teachers, whatever y'all need to make the experiment, experience that much better for the children and to make your job that
much easier. I'm willing to do it. But I've even seen teachers posting their wish lists for back to school on Amazon because they can't get everything they need through the schools.
You just wantch money the government puts into defense, Like we spend trillions of dollars a year on defense and we start wars, but we don't put no money into early childhood education.
That's crazy.
Welcome to America, that's crazy. Loco to America. So all that cy the preparation process, I knew, let me go shopping before you know, everyone is out there, So it was easy for me to do school shopping this time around. I did it in peace. The stores weren't crowded, everything was in stock. I got everything that I needed. Now approaching back to school, your original question was what does it look like in the morning for me getting the
boys out the door. I'm very big on what the day looks like for them, like setting the tone for the day, because I feel like we'd had moments in the past with Jackson. I know you told the story before about you know, us having an argument in that morning, and it kind of spilling over into Jackson's day and him walking out of school feeling like, damn, daddy was mad at me all day when it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with our situation.
So from that day forward, I am deliberate too about making sure that I'm waking them up in a good mood. I'm singing a song as annoying as it probably sounds to them in that moment, because They're like, here she comes in singing, but I'm waking them up, you know, give.
To get up in the morning. That was my mother.
Every day she had a song time to get up. I don't know what it is that's in the morning. So they'll wake up. And then this is the time too when I'll give them an option, like, hey, what do you want for breakfast? Because it's like, all right, typically we'll just make one breakfast and everybody eats it. But I know when it's like having to get up at six o'clock in the morning. Shit, I don't want to be up much less do you want to be up? So I'll give them the option, Okay, what do you
want Mommy to make for breakfast? So usually they never want the same thing one one cereale.
Remember this.
So they get their their breakfast in the morning, and then after they're doing breakfast, I'm typically packing lunch. And then once the lunch is packed, I send them upstairs because their clothes is already out, and I try to get them into the habit of taking out their clothes the night before so we're not scrambling in the morning because to me, it's like, you take ten minutes to pull take your clothes out iron, your clothes have it laid out. That's ten more minutes you can sleep. That's
the logic. So they go upstairs, they change, come back down, and then it's hugs and kisses, lunch boxes, backpacks out the door, copy, and then I go back to bed when I can, jes so get me a couple more minutes.
It's this is what I've noticed about my Jamaican invintention wife and my Jamaican mother in law. You guys love to do a lot of stuff for these kids that they can do for themselves, like number one, breakfast in the morning, Number two getting closed out at night.
This is just my take on it.
I grew up in a home my grandparents and my parents where my grandparents, they had three young men they had to take care of. It was me and my cousin DeVaughn and my brother Brian before Tory came to When Tory came then it really became a bigger thing because Tory was ten years nine years younger than me, and Nana had to do her hair. Nana didn't believe in perms and stuff, so she did Toy's hair every morning. So you know whose responsibility it was to get ourselves ready? Yes, yeah,
And I'm talking about early. I learned how to cook full breakfasts, bacon, eggs, cheese, pancakes, French toast waffles as early as six years old. At eight years old, I was getting myself ready for school and my brother ready for school and then walking him to school when I was walking to school. But what it did was it taught me a level of independence very very early. Because my parents both worked on to five, so they had to be up early and get ready to get up
and get out the house. They didn't have time to do all of that stuff that you do for the kids, your mom does for the kids. But what it did was it taught us a level of independence. When it came time for breakfast in the morning, I would get up, grab me a cereal. If I wanted grits, I knew how to make my grits. If I wanted eggs, I would make a quick eggs. But most of the time I would grab something quick, a bagel, throw it in a toaster with some waffles or something.
And then for lunch, I would make my own sandwich.
Make my own sandwich, throw a piece of fruit in there, get a box juice. And this was back in the day. We didn't have like super cool lunch boxes. I would just have a plastic wall bombs bag. I would throw it in a plastic wall box bag. I would throw it in my book bag and I would just walk to school. And I was at eight. So when I look at our boys, it would help you a lot and your mom early in the morning, Jackson is twelve. At twelve, I was taking a bus to school. My
brother was taking the bus to school. Jackson can get up on his own, iron his own clothes, get his breakfast, and be out the house without anybody having to be up. I know you like to be up so you can see him off. And I like to be up to see him off, because even when on days when I can sleep in, I'll typically get up and just watch him walk. Like yesterday, you was laughing at me because I watched him walk all the way out of my sight and he kept looking back like what, and I
was just watching him, you know. But I do feel like as parents, there has to be a level of independence we give to our children, especially early. And the reason why I say this is because of this. If Jackson is late to school, the consequence of him to be in late to school in sixth grade seventh grade is not that big deal.
But when you late to work, you get fired.
When you spend your whole life someone being there to make sure you get up, make sure you get to class on time, make sure you do this, it creates a crutch that you can't carry that crutch when you become a young adult, when you get to high school, when you get to college. You know, if you late to team meetings in college, you lose your scholarship. In high school, you late to practice, you get kicked off
the team. Teaching them at the end of elementary school, beginning of middle school to have responsibility for themselves and then you look at their report card and be like, yo, you are late to school six times.
Why would you late to school?
There's no consequences, but at least they learn what they have to do to be on time.
I completely understand you, and you're absolutely right, and don't get it twisted. I'm not doing every single thing for them. When I say taking clothes out, it's me more so getting them into the rhythm of doing it, not that I'm doing it for them. But you know, Cairo's not going let nobody take his clothes out for him. You want to address his self, so he will get his clothes out. But I want to show them and teach them now in elementary school, Hey, you want to wear
this tomorrow? That sure's crushed. You need to get it ironed, do it the night before. So for me, it's more about teaching a routine so that they will be able to do it now that at Jackson's age, he can do it.
Another reason cause Kyro and Kaz are too young to get up in the morning and do stuff on their own. Yeah, they're five and six, but when Cairo is eight going into third grade, Yeah, Kiro needs to be doing all of this stuff by himself.
Agreed and it can progression, right, it.
Can help cas, you know, because they do it. They do it together. That's how me and Brian did. We were eight and six doing it together.
So even think about from last year to this year. So now close this set out. The night before last year, Mom and I were upstairs dressing kaz getting you know, doing all of that for them. Now it's you've had your breakfast awesome. While I finish up making lunch, they go upstairs, they brush their teeth, wash their faces, and then they come down already dressed. So then it's just put your shoes on, grab your backpack, and you leave.
But I also like that morning experience with them Jackson, particularly because Jackson pretty much does everything on his own. All I want waffles to breakfast or come down, throw your waffles in rab them and go. But I don't get much time with them when the school year happens. When it starts. You know, if you don't see Mom in the morning and then you go to school all day. You get home at school from school at four thirty
four to forty five. Jackson gets out late and then he has an hour before he's in practice for two hours. He gets home for practice at nine pm. That's the whole day. I don't see my child, so I want to be up in the morning. And your parents had to do that with you and your brother because they had no choice. They had to go to work, right I'm sure if they had the choice and had the option, they probably would have been up with you guys, not necessarily doing everything for you.
My father would not have been up. School was going, my mom would have got my father was not getting up.
But my whole point is is as daunting as a school year can be for parents, especially parents with multiple kids, my point is is that if you teach your kids to be independent early, it doesn't have to be daunting. It is as simple as my mom. By the time I got to fifth grade, here was school shopping. We did all of the school shopping. I had already figured
what I wanted to wear. I would lay myself out the night before, and once the school year started, my parents only saw me on the weekends or when we
went to open school night. And my parents went to every open school night no matter how good my grades were, because they wanted to show that they were involved in supportive of course, but the routines in the morning to get us ready and stuff that doesn't have to be an issue for parents, And I feel like for us the last couple of years, that's been part of the most daunting part of the mornings because they're young, you know what I'm saying, Like, if we had four kids
Jackson's age, we probably would just be like, see y'all on the weekend, see y'all when y'all get home. But I honestly feel like when Cairo and Kaz get to second and third grade, they'll be able to move on their own.
I do feel like that.
I feel like you'll wake up, you'll see them off, but you won't have to spend two hours getting up doing all this, you know, because typically you're all six and then by the time Jackson lee just eight fifteen, that's two hours. I feel like by the time they get to that grade, you'll just be up, Oh yeah, mommy loves you, boom boom boom, go back to sleep, yeah, and we'll just have to take the coda to daycare. No.
Absolutely, it's gonna be that for sure. Like in the morning, it's like you'll be asleep. I like, you know, for the past two weeks, I've been getting the boys ready. When it comes to Jackson, he sets his alarm, he comes downstairs. What's up, Mom, Hey, what's up? What's you one for? Breakfast? Wiffles?
Cool?
Throw him in the toaster. I lay on the couch and literally just wait to see him out the door, you know, because he's doing everything for himself at this point.
So and I just I really just want to point it out because the biggest challenge parents have had is waking kids up for school and getting them ready, and then checking homework at night, and for me to work, yes, because you have to go to work, but then you're also in school when your children in school. One thing I will say is by creating this independent culture with our children, I never felt like I was in school with Jackson. Like we we allowed Jackson to you know,
we got him tutors. You know, he does all this practice on his own, but we got him yeah. Yeah, we got him a phone when he turned ten, so that he can send his alarm, so that he can make his schedule with his tutors and his coaches. And now it's to the point two years into having this phone. People so many parents get nervous about giving their kids phone because they're worried about what they can do on social media. But Jackson is so organized and he's like, Dad,
I have my calendar. Yeah, I know, I have all my contacts. And I tell him, are you gonna be late for practice for whatever reason? Yeah, let me call my coach. It's like we've created small adults. And this is just my message for parents, just my take on it. I know you want to be involved, but if you can create a culture of independence with your children their school year, don't have to become another list on your
task of things. Now you can go out and do what you need to do to provide them with the ability to do that, as opposed to I spend three hours in the morning with these kids, then I spend two hours at home with them doing homework at night, and I'm upset and I'm tired, and I don't have time for myself. Typically it's because parents don't create independence, and they feel like they have to do everything right.
They have to do it because my mom as she's super helpful in the morning, especially those two years where I was pregnant and then recovering after having Coda and I was with him most of the time and up late at night. She's been up in the morning getting them ready for school, but she sometimes I can hear her getting frustrated and Jackson, aren't you gonna be late?
One morning I had to say to her mom, if he misses the bus, he misses the bus, and then he's gonna have to figure out how he's getting to school, and then he's gonna be late. And then whose fault is that his likes don't be down his back about it? Let him rock.
See that's I'm glad you said that a lot of parents won't understand that allowing children to face consequences when the stakes aren't high is how they learn responsibility. Let him be late to middle school and have to figure out and then come in here and wake his dad up because he missed the bus, and then now he.
Has to deal with a frustration.
Let him feel what that feels like, so that he'd be like, you know what, I'm gonna just make sure I get up fifteen minutes earlier.
You know her exact example. Jackson just got contacts new to contacts literally a couple days before school started, not even or the first week of school, because he needed the contacts to wear for football. His goggles for basketball can't fit under his helmet. So I say to Jackson, these contacts are still new. There's a learning curve with them. You may feel a little discomfort, one might fall out.
You just never know. And you and I are not contact or glasses wearers, so we're trying to educate ourselves on it about it. So they recommend it at the eye doctor that he put the contacts in the morning, but take your glasses as back up just in case something goes wrong throughout the day. You're not stuck Jackson. Since they mentioned that, do you have your backup glasses in your backpack? Yeah? Mama have me. Yeah, well, you have about two or three pairs of glasses you've been wearing.
How about you just keep one in your locker at school as like your school glasses, they never come home. And then you have your home glasses that you can wear when you don't have your contacts in. Yeah, I know, my I got them. I already did that.
I got that.
Okay, Yeah, Jackson, do you have your backpack glasses? And only for the first couple of days, I reminded him, because again the contact thing is now right, But he gets very annoyed when I ask him because he feels like I'm just being mom. Jackson goes to school first period, Mom, I right, eye contact doesn't feel good. Okay, so what are you gonna do? I'm gonna take them out because he's texting me this. I said, yeah, take him out if you feel uncomfortable, and just take them out. Put
your glasses on. I see the little bubbles pop up, then the bubbles go away. The bubbles pop up, and then the bubbles go away. And I said to myself, this negro. Don't got his glasses. So said, so done. The text message comes through, Mom, I know I have to be more responsible, but I left my glasses at home. I've been saying every morning. So now now you're gonna have to get through the day with no glasses, right, So now you're gonna have to feel what that feels like.
And he already knew like at that point, I didn't have to lecture, I didn't have to scream, I didn't have to go back and forth when he came home from school. I didn't even make it a thing, because then you had to feel what it was like for a mom to be right and be what it was like to not have your glasses for the day. That's how things work out. Now, Luckily Papa Scoop was in town and Papa Scoop took his glasses back to him because that's what grandparents do.
No, that's because you text Pa Scoop can you bring him back to ask Papa school?
And if Papa Scoop said no, hey, it was gonna be no.
You know what Daddy would have said if he had text Dad tough luck, kid, I'm not even giving you gotta figure out that's and that's just my point is like moms tend to try to solve the problem for them, especially your sons, because your mom solves all of your brother's problems, but will let you and your sister drown. And I guess that's just moms and their sons. And just like me, like, if it was my daughter, I'd probably run to the school and take her to my
daughter in a heartbeat. But because it's my son, he has to learn. You know what I'm saying, And I'll be I'll be honest with that. If I had a daughter, i'd probably be a sap. I'm not even gonna lie be like I would probably do you probably hate me because I probably do more for her than I do for you, because I'm a sap when it comes to you and you're not my daughter.
My wife.
Period. That's how we don't have no daughters because give it all to me.
But my thing is those moments of consequences is what they remember when when mom saves them or dad saves them. They now feel like, no matter what I go through, my mom and dad will save me. And the sad truth is mom and dad can't always save you. So I'd rather you develop a skill of learning how to save yourself.
Probably that's isn't that the biggest thing? Being solution oriented?
That's the big thing in this house here.
I tell Jax all the time, what are you going to do?
What's going wrong? We now fix it?
And that's what we try to tell That's what we're trying to tell parents now is be solution oriented with your children when they're going through issues at school. Don't always be the one that got to go save them. Ask them what the problem is and say, well, what's your plan.
I don't know.
We'll come up with a plan. I don't know how to come up with a plan. Well, let's discuss some steps to come up with a plan. But I'm not going to come up to the plan with you because what if I wasn't here, What would if I was off somewhere filming, What if your mom was hosting something and.
You had to figure it out?
You had to figure it out, And a lot of times, yeah, it becomes that because even on the run of show today, Triple asked, like, what are some resources that we take advantage of to help fill in the gaps and things that we may still need, Like the gaps are when Daval and I are both traveling for work and you know, we may have to rely on, you know, our village, which is extended from Mimi and Papa who lived with
us full time. That's if Dad's father comes into town, or you know, we've made really good friends and got closely connected with some of Jackson's teammates, friends, parents, families, so we can lean on them for the support that we need every now and again. So sometimes relying on
the village is very important. Yeah, because I know you two feel like, you know, even though your mom and dad did the best that they could with trying to make sure that you guys had everything, you needed to be set up for success when it got to school. You at eight years old, was having to walk your brother in the school and got lost. You remember that time you said you got lost first day of school walking to school, and you know at that age you had to do what you had to do right.
I had to be solution oriented.
I had to look at these street signs and had to I remember this is the first time we moved to Canarsie.
We moved there in January.
They didn't let us walk around often, but I remember driving home and my father pointing out stuff.
You notice that it's numbers and it's letters to our house.
The numbers go up this way till you get to one oh eight, and they go down all the way till you get to ninety eighth Street, and then it's rockaway. The letters go from Avenue J. It's Flatlands Avenue J all the way to Avenue and and then receive you. My father went over those things with me when driving, so that when I got lost, I remember getting the
flat lands. I remember saying, so if I walked this direction, I got to see J. So we walked up the wrong direction to flat lands first, and I was just like Glenn Wood.
You know what I'm saying. I was like, no, it's the wrong way.
Oh this is a big street street, this is it.
So then I went right back to Flatlands and then I walked the other direction. I said, okay, Avenue J. So I'm walking in the right direction because I'm like j k L. Then when I got to Jay, I was like, all right, I'm not going to give them the other whole address. But I started looking and I'm like, oh,
so this is where the numbers are. But it was my father being solution oriented and be like, you know, it's going to be an opportunity where you may not be here, and I'm going to be like, okay, okay, But then when it happens, When it happens, I knew what to recall and I knew what to say, Oh, this is what my father said. And I just want to implore parents to do the same thing with their children. Here's a big thing. Do it through the summertime. Don't
expect it to start. One thing I say about Kadeen. Kadeen has been on these kids about reading, doing their ABC mouse doing. They have tutors year round. Roger does
their math tutoring, year round. This way, they're always in a position of learning, so that when it's time they go back to school, they're not they don't have fatigue from city in the classroom because they've had an hour or an hour and a half every day in the summertime where you had to sit still and focus on whatever it is we need you to focus on in this time.
It's called the summer slide. There's a name for it, where children pretty much in the summer slide and they lose the concept of structure, they lose some things academically, and it's having to kind of re learn and reteach and go over. It's like having to watch the episode or something because the season come back. Yeah, watch the recap.
Wasn't that an American thing?
Because it was a comparison as compared to other cultures that go to school year round, and they were saying that America is one of the few countries that take a full two month break or two and a half month break. It's ten week break. I think, right, O, is it? I think so there was. You said it's called the summer slide, but I remember that.
I don't know if it was specific to America. I'm not sure about that.
I remember there was a study and they were talking about shortening the actual school week and not doing five and doing a four day school week, but then sending to kids, sending kids to school year around this way, they didn't deal with the summer slides. But now they have three days off, gotcha every every week and then sometimes.
Years only or the school week is only like a Monday to Thursday, right, it would.
Be around Yeah, be Monday to Thursday year round.
But would they still have like breaks.
Yeah, they would still have summer break breaks.
Yeah, they would have They would.
Have some break, they would have winter break, they would have a Christmas holiday.
Winter break is February.
Yeah, then you have the So they were talking about two year breaks within the spring break, two year breaks about the year.
But they go to school year round.
Oh okay, our kids realistically go to school year around the fact that they have tutoring and ABC mouse and me, me surry.
How structure Jackson is. Even while we were in the Bahamas, he was like, I still got Roger homework to do.
We were in a different country.
I was like, tell Roger that you you got the week off because you're on vacation. And he was just like, I got to make up my sessions and you can take the week off from Roger. And he was just like, I gotta make up, Like no, I have stuff to do. So in Mexico they were playing with their cousins and everything. But best believe, when they woke up in the morning before we went to breakfast, Cairo did his little twenty
minutes homework. And I love them for that because again, it just shows that outside of us controlling what that looks like for them, they are taking it upon themselves to have the relationship with their coaches and their mentors and their teachers, and they're holding each other accountable. And Jackson is setting things up for Cairo so Cairo can do that and the same thing will happen as in Dakota.
And that's one thing too. I will say we have developed our own style of learning with the kids. We didn't We don't pay for private schooling. What we do is we supplement their education with tutors and with for example, like I ready or when you got the coding classes for Jackson. We supplement their education with our own forms of education that go year round.
I also work very closely with their teachers.
Yes.
So Cairo's teacher last year, for example, recommended that he tests for the TAG program. Same thing with Jackson, on top of them about what the school year is going to look like moving forward. So Cairo, for example, we knew that was far ahead in kindergarten, but because if his age had to get registered into kindergarten, so his teacher said, I'm going to recommend that when he goes into the first grade, he may be doing second or third grade level work and they work with them independently
so that where they're not bored. Because I think a part of that for Cairo was just knowing like I know all this stuff already, like I know it, And the minute kids get to a space where they're bored, then they disruptively disruptive. And you never want your child
to be labeled as that. You always want to keep them challenged and engaged, and the best way to do that is to make sure you have a close relationship with the parent and teacher, so that way we know that we're working in partnership with each other to make sure that the kid has the best experience.
And it sounds it sounds like a lot, but it's not a lot. It's as simple as we get emails from teachers every day. Everything is very electronic now and virtual, so we get emails. We respond to the emails, you know, when we get an email on a Monday of what's going on. When Kadeen checks all of the progress on she checks every week and she responds with what's needed. She asks questions and we go over it with you.
You volunteer the classes and because you can. You know, we don't have traditional jobs, so everybody can't get there. But one thing you can do is keep track of everything electronically.
Oh for sure. And this email the last time I.
Know we have to pay bills. Don't be afraid. Just listen to what I'm saying. Don't be afraid while the steaks are low. To let your child struggle at something and let them figure out how to become better at it. We as parents tend to do this. Child has a project. The child's project then becomes who the project our project. Then we end up sending back one hundred and fifty page dissertation on snowmen because now we're doing our children's Christmas project.
Melancholy?
What show is that?
From the Cosby Show? The Cosby Show.
But seriously, if your kid or your child is struggling at something, be in constant communication with the teacher. Ask the teacher how they can help. But let the child go through these things when the stakes are low. Okay, you got an eighty five in math in third grade, it's not the end of the world. But now you know you have to work on what they're working in third grade. You will have to work on fractions. The only way they know that is if you let them
fail a little bit. You got an eighty five, you could have got one hundred, but you messed up on the fractions. If you correct all their stuff, and now they're getting hundreds all the time because mom and dad is doing the work, they'll feel like they got it. And then when they get to a place where you can't help them, which is that common core math, Because if you was born in the eighties like me, that common core math gonna fuck your ass up.
Try and comming about it, try and do that coming about it. You want to say common sense, everybody don't have that, Well, it's common core. Everybody don't have that gene and I don't.
Ain't nothing worse than looking at your child test scores be terrible, knowing that you did their homework.
But ain't nothing.
Worse than looking at that and be like, so you imagine.
So what we got a sixty? Because what we we got a six? With the collective let me call your teacher.
Yeah, but I did that with Jackson this past year in sixth grade. I knew there was going to be a transition into middle school. I was trying to take the approach of saying, Okay, Deval had all of the sports stuff, you know, under control, and I did the academics with Jackson. Jackson is like a naturally smart kid, so he will just listen in class and be able to kind of regurgitate that on a test without with
minimal studying. Me trying to show him different study tactics and ways to kind of organize his books, his thoughts, making notes, Like everybody studies differently, everyone learns differently, so I was trying to give him different methods to help him study. I realized through the course of the year that Jackson was doing really well getting nineties and whatnot with doing maybe little to no studying. At the end of the school year, when he looked at all of
his grades, still ninety plus average. He saw that there was so much room for improvement. Instead of getting a ninety two average, I could have gotten a ninety seven or ninety eight if I had just taken a couple a couple, you know, minutes at night to go over something the night before. I let him do that, because again, the stakes are low. He's still trying to learn and adjust the middle school and figure things out. So then now in seventh grade, he came to me and said, Yo, Mom,
I'm really trying to be valedictorian in my class. What I gotta do? I said, all right, if you down, I'm down. So I'm going to show you how you know studying can take place and what you can do to make that happen. But it's again putting the ball in their court when the stakes are low, and just being there to support them through the school process. All right, let's recoup some of that money that we spent on school supplies.
You spill school supplies that's come from your part, because it ain't no way I'm buying six blocks of crayons that have to paint all these things, and then trying to.
Speak to administrator, and then trying to.
Figure out if you should have seen me. It was like one list here, one listen, there's three different lists. I'm trying to shop in one car divide and you know it was amazing.
But I lo key love that.
That was kind of like excited. All right, we'll be back, y'all. All right, we're back.
Let's get money.
Kadeen and Devel letter times. All right, you got it. Hey there, Kadeen in de Val. I love you guys so much. Been following you since Jackson was on the Cheerios commercial. Oh my goodness. We were just talking about that and when Kadeen had that fresh pixie cut, Yes, me, handy, it was giving Henny. Okay, I'm thinking I might go back to that in like my sixties. We'll see where I am at that point. I might be going ball
by then. You know, I'm not gonna claim that. I am not going to manifest that because it runs in my family.
You will look good, though, Okay, I don't.
So back to the question, Kadeen, your body goals, Thank you. I just feel like I'm just in the space of trying to get myself back together. My edges are coming back in. I've been drinking my water, minding my business and working out. So I appreciate you. Thank you for acknowledging that like you, like you are inspiring me to unbig my back moment this summer. Yeah, that's been like the thing this summer, like trying to unbig your back. So I get it. I'm in support. I'm in support
of you. So I wanted to know how you guys handle your friendships. I know you've probably had the same group of people around for years, but now that life has changed with more success, what does loyalty look like to you? Is it's still easy to trust people. I'm currently dealing with a friendship breakup and it's so hurtful. I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore, and that loyalty is just a myth nowadays. And it's one of your advice on how to deal with friendship breakups and
how you've overcome them. I hope to hear back from y'all soon. Love you, Oh man, We've all dealt with some sort of friend that seems to outgrow you. I think some friends are as cliche as it sounds. Some there for reasons and for seasons. And yes, I have had my close group of friends for a very long time. And then there are some people who I've met later on in life who have shown themselves to be very
authentic good people. And my friends laugh, My solid group of friends who I've had for like, you know, one or two decades, will laugh and be like, hey, I didn't go with a new friend, like just now, I think Tiffany and Christina were laughing, like who's cold? Is Godmother? Who is she? Again? Like what y'all got a new friend? And they'll joke on me about it. It is because I tend to you know, we're social people. We do make friends.
But I think that God also gave me discernment to kind of see people for who they are, and I always pray for that, especially as things in our life begin to change even more. But I do have a friend that kind of things went awry, And I say awry because maybe a rie isn't the right word. But I was very confused as to why she was starting
to pull away from me as a friend. And this was when Cairo was a new born, and I kind of took it upon myself to just well a I thought it was something that I had done, so I reached out when I noticed that the conversation was becoming that much more or less frequent. There were excuses that were coming up when time came to hang out. And I mean, this is somebody who I hung out with
all the time, like Thursday, Friday, Saturday. So we had a rotation every week, particularly through college years and after. So when Skyro came along, I was kind of like, man, I don't see her as much anymore, but I know that she was on a journey religiously, and I said, Hey, if it means that we can't hang out in the places that we used to hang out before, or partake in the things that we used to partake, and you can't drink anymore, I'm in full support of your spiritual journey.
I just want to know what it is so I can alter that. So if we can't go to the club or the lounge, you can come to my house and we can order take out and we can sit and we can drink water. Like it didn't matter to me because the friendship mattered more. And then I realized that she was still kind of not opening up to what the problem was, and instead of me internalizing it, I kind of reached out to some of her immediate closer family and friends and to kind of see like, hey,
have you noticed the change in her? And they all kind of notice the change, and they said, hey, it's not you. She's just on a journey by herself and the most we can do is love her from afar and if she comes around, she comes around. But it did give me some relief. I did mourn that friendship to an extent because she was somebody who I loved darely.
She was a very good friend of mine, you know, in my wedding, Like there were so many things that we shared together, so many moments since we were kids, and it just kind of ended abruptly with no explanation, and part of me felt like, did she even really owe me an explanation? Or should I have just taken the signs and just moved on. So it took me a while to kind of get around that, but it gave me some relief and solace to know that it
wasn't just me. So that was like my little friendship breakup. So I say that to say that with time things can get better, and if someone rids themselves from your life, sometimes I don't even question it. And maybe for the better.
As I got older, I started to realize that no one owes you anything. And when people say self like, who can I trust, that's on you to decide. And I think it's our ego and our self centeredness to feel like everybody around us has to earn our trust.
No, they don't.
The people around you just got to live their life and you decide if you want to trust that person. For example, I have friends that I put in categories. There are some friends that I know. These are the people I hang out with just because I know that we got good vibes. I don't got to worry about no bullshit. This is what we do. We hang out. I have friends that all we do is discuss business. Right, if I need to borrow money, I know who I can I can get it from because I'll give it
back to them. If they need to borrow money, I'm open to be like, of course, because I know they get it back to me.
I have some friends who are just my confidence. We talk.
All we do is talk on the phone. You know what happens with people is they feel like, if you're my friend, you have to fit in all the categories that I have For all of these people, and if those people aren't good in every single category, then you shun them and be like, oh, I can't trust you because we hung out, but then I ask you to
borrow money and you wouldn't let me the money. That person is not the money person or the money person, and that person is going to hang out with other people and they didn't invite you, or we're not really friends. We don't have that type of friendship where we hang out together. The truth of the matter is is that your life. Your life is your life. Everybody around you
does not revolve around you. You make a choice as a person if you're going to trust this person in what capacity you're gonna trust that person, and then you let that person work out of that trust if they do something. But this whole idea of loyalty means nothing anymore to people. Is a reality check for people, because loyalty is really People are as loyal as their options, right, and they're also as loyal as what you can offer them, right.
Because let's be honest about friendships.
Friendships are only friendships because you offer me something and I offer you something. If I no longer offer you anything, I'm no longer useful to you. Are we going to be friends?
Really? Probably not.
If you don't offer for me anything in the friendship, whether it's companionship, money, advice, sex, whatever it is. If you don't offer me what it is that I'm looking for in the friendship, the friendship dissolves. It's as clear as that. People want to make it more than what it is, but it's not. There are no obligations to friendships. We're not blood relatives.
I can see that you know what I'm saying, and that's why sometimes some friendships mean that much more than family, familiar relationship. Made a choice choice to be that friendship and to be in that relationship.
What you can't do is you can't create guidelines to all of your friendships and all the guidelines be exactly the same. That's true because friends have different purposes.
And as you grow in life, like you have groups of friends, and I have friends who in that season it worked because we were doing the same things. And then as you begin to change mindsets and go this way and they stayed here or they decided to go
elsewhere elsewhere, you no longer have things in common. So those commonalities that you want share, you don't right, and you may have to, like I said, more in the idea of like, I don't really want to hang out with this person anymore because we don't have similar interests anymore. And then you send to gravitate towards people who do. And that's okay too, that's okay too. I think the beauty in it is when you do have someone who
can grow with you through phases of life. Absolutely, you know, I have a couple of friends now who are my closest friends. And I can pick up the phone and talk to you today and not talk to you for six months. You can text me today and I not text you back till four weeks later, and there's no love loss.
What is loyalty to you in a friendship?
Though?
I think loyalty to me in a friendship looks like in the moments that I maybe need you the most, you're accessible or you'll try to make yourself accessible.
So the reason why I ask that is because you see how self centered that definition can be for people, because you said, in the moments you need me the most. What if I'm going through something then I can't be there, you can't be there. A lot of people show that as a see that as a sign of disloyalty when it's like, damn, I have to be there for you, saying you in particular. But how we view friendship right, the only way we can be friends is if I'm
near for you when you need me the most. You're not even thinking about what I need.
I don't think I don't think about people.
I'm talking about you.
About people's definition loyalty and friendship, it always based on what they need.
Think about how you just described it.
At no point in the description did you say that's some person that I'm willing to be for.
No matter what. Immediately your definition went to what you need.
Well, I think it's for me at least it's understood that it's reciprocated, because, like I said, but that's not me. It's understood its reciprocated.
But that's my point is that when we decide what we want to make friendship look like, it's supposed to be understood that it's reciprocated.
But I'm going to tell you that you got to be there for what I need.
That's very self centered and we all as humans have that same definition for sure what friendship is, Like I just asked you so that we can put it out there so we can see it. But we all say that that's my friend because when I need them the most day, there no one ever says that's my friend because if he ever need anything, I got him.
I said. For me, it's understood, you.
Know, But for some people it's not because when you say that and then that person can't be there for you in that moment, maybe because they're going through something.
The first that we do.
Is like, man, you ain't internalize that you're not loyal. And that's when she asked about what loyalty is in friendships. I think we all these people need to start thinking. Am I a loyal friend to demand loyalty from somebody?
Because I know firsthand.
I'm gonna tell you right now, the people I'm loyal to first is my wife, then my kids.
That's that's first.
If my brother may need something and I can't be there because I'm doing something for my wife and my kids, I have to choose them. If my brother takes that same reposal, my brother couldn't be there for me he not loyal, then we wouldn't.
Be close no more.
But my brother, like you, is very big on reciprocation. He'll tell me, like, yo, if you got something for the kids, right, because he's like and he wants to be there for me. But I think more people just need to think about how we can be there for our friends as opposed to our friends being there for us to show their loyalty. That's just something I get.
It totally makes a whole lot of sense. I hope that helped your syst In a very very very roundabout way, we got to answer the question. But that's just what we've dealt with personally in these friendships. So much love to you.
Hey, guys, I would love to stay anonymous, no problem. I really enjoyed this podcast, definitely one of my favorites. You guys are a blessing. You are a blessing too. I've currently been dating my boyfriend for over a year. Our relationship started while a devastating death in the family had occurred. Although it was a highly stressful and depressive time, he made me feel seen, cared for, and appreciated. He was among great friends and family that helped me out
of darkness. He is an immigrant and born outside of the US. We do share similarities and lives, but there are some things that we clash Culturally. He has put effort into seeing and spending time, but over time I've realized he doesn't enjoy going out as much as I do. I always initiate going out on dates, couple activities, and family functions. It's like pulling teeth while asking him to attend. He does work a lot and is supporting his family back home. He doesn't hang out a lot with his
family with his friends either. I feel stuck because I want to enjoy more things with him outside of the house and have more time. In general, I'm a person who thinks about how this relationship may unfold in the future, and I'm wondering if things will change. I value my significant other being around my friends and family more and putting in the effort to get to know them. He is also pretty quiet around them. I've also never met his family, which I can't because they aren't in the US.
I've expressed these concerns and he says he's tired and has so much financial responsibilities, which I truly understand. When we do hang out one to two times a week is a good time and I feel like I'm with my best friend. He's kind attentive and has a sense of humor. Best of all, he cooks. He has a lot of good qualities. I'm worried if this is just who he is or his ideology is based upon his current job schedule which he wants to transition out of.
I don't want to sabotage this relationship. Oh, I don't want to self sabotage this relationship. But I'm not in my early twenties anymore. The question is should I continue investing into this relationship.
I mean, he seems like a really good guy, if he's so caring as to be, you know, taking. I think he has the classic story that most immigrant families do. And I know because both of my parents are, and being two of the older siblings and the family, my mom the oldest, my dad like the second or third oldest. I've seen what it's like to have to come across, so I've heard, at least because I wasn't born yet.
But you come to America and then you work, and then you send back home, and it's for nothing more than just the responsibility and the care that you have for your family, and that level of I guess loyalty. As we've been talking about it that you have to the family. So I think that speaks to the kind of person he is and the heart that he has. But I can see where the con is for you as you're trying to build a relationship with him. I mean, what do you think, babe.
I honestly feel like this reminds me of my mom and my dad because my pops is a big He likes to be inside. He likes to watch films and chill with his family and friends. He likes to have all his family around him, whereas my mom likes to be out.
My mom likes to go on cruises, she likes to go to shows and stuff.
I feel like it's just a different of a difference of love languages, right, and not so much love languages for each other, but love for life.
Right.
You know your mom and your dad. Your dad likes to be at home with all his family and chill. Your dad wants to go see your mom wants to go see things and explore. I feel like you shouldn't have to sacrifice the things you love because of the person you love. I do feel like they have to have a conversation and talk about it, and hopefully she can help him be more comfortable going out. Do you have to think about this. He's an immigrant who's in a foreign country. A lot of times, when you're from
a foreign country, the safest place you feel home, it's home. Yeah, you know. And it's not like America is the most open place for immigrants, you know what I'm saying. So he may feel comfortable home because he's not dealing with any of those issues or social issues that happen outside of his home. So maybe if she can find a way to make him feel more comfortable going out, oh, then he'll be more.
Open to it.
But also, and since she's the one writing in, just because he doesn't want to do those things doesn't mean you stop. My mom will still go to shows without my pops. She'll grab her group of friends and she'll go out. She'll go and do things.
That's true. I was about to say, don't let that limit you and stop you from doing the things that you want to do. But I do get that she may want to experience these things with him, or maybe she's excited to show him the possibilities outside of home.
But how about she do it the way you did it with Beyonce? Like, no point intended, But I could have cared less about going to see Beyonce, but you curated the experience in a way I could enjoy it so that we could enjoy it. Toggether, you see what I'm saying. So maybe if she wants him to do do some things, curating experience so that he gets some things that he loves while doing what you like.
You know what I'm saying.
I mean, it's the same thing with your pops and your mom. Your mom does not like to entertain a lot of people. Your father likes to go out in the street and entertain people and then have people over. You know, So what do you do? You curat an experience to where your dad is like, you know what, I like to be around people. Let's have people come over in our basement, so Searon, you could be upstairs chilling doing what you do. But I have my friends, so now you get both the best of both worlds.
You know what I'm saying.
No, totally, I completely get that. I think that would be a great little starting point, at least, of course, wrapped in conversation, because we're all about the communication of things, and keep communicating with us, y'all, Because we'd love to feature you as a listener letter, So email us if you have something that you want us to give our little two cents on at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com.
That's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
All right, moment of truth, we're talking back to school. I think my moment of truth for back to school is, though I struggle with the idea of my children being outside of the home, how I've contemplated ways to homeschool them, you know, not maybe not me, but having people do it, because I just want them in my care, in my bosom, in my line of sight the entire time, because that's just what moms do. They spend enough time there retired,
it's all yours not don't worry. Yes, But as much as I want to do that, I know that I won't be able to raise independent young men who are proactive and problem solvers and just ready to do and equip to do things on their own if I'm always the one to be there to do it for them.
So back to school school year starts. It's all about supporting them through and teaching them the routines and allowing them and allowing them and giving them the space to grow to be independent while knowing that Mom is here to support you through all the things.
That's what's up. That's what's up. I feel the same thing.
My moment of truth is this, create a culture of independence amongst your children early and often, so that as they grow through out life they can be in a place to solve problems and be solution oriented. On top of that, I will be remiss if I don't mention this. Bullying is a very serious thing that's happening amongst children in this day and age, especially virtually, because they have access to things that we didn't have as parents, that
we don't understand. If you have children in between the ages of seven and eighteen, right, do phone checks? Do phone checks and make it And I don't care about your privacy. You don't pay the bill, okaya, I don't want to hear about it.
Mom.
I'm entitled and you ain't entitled to shit. Right, You're entitled to give me that goddamn phone. That's fact because a lot of the things that happen with bullying doesn't even happen physically or in public anymore. It's happening behind closed doors and people are losing their lives over it. Yes, so let's do all each other a favor as parents
in a community of educators. Let's work on being parents in the home by checking our kids' phones, making sure they're being treated properly, and make sure they're treating other other people properly as well.
And they make sure that the kids know that everybody's not going to be the same. So people are going to be different, and while they are different, they need to be respected and you need to leave people alone, treat them how you want to be treated, all right, y'all? Be sure to follow us on social media. We had all the socials, y'all. There's so many ways that you
can keep in touch with us. Okay. Find us on Patreon for exclusive dead Ass cast content as well as more Ella's family content there because it's keeping it fun in the Patreon world, but also on social media, follow the podcast page dead Ass the podcast and I'm Kadeen.
I am and I'm Devaoh i am devou And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to raise, review and subscribe, and if you get up, get to the Patreon page. Make sure that you is a subscribe subscribe to Patreon.
Subscribe to Patreon.
You subscribe and join Patreon and get that exclusive content. Dead Ass is about to be lit for the next couple of years, store for y'all.
Next couple of months at least, that's the foreseeable future for us.
But leading up to that, putting it out there two years, man, years, we putting it out there.
Man, we got It's up to y'all. It's up to y'all. If y'all keep listening, keep watching, keep spreading the word, telling a friend, we might be here for years, or we might be here for a good time and not a long time. It just depends.
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