4-Page Letters featuring You!

important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead adds is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take Phillows off to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now. M m m. I'm sending him

up for a page letter Aaliyah. I enclosed it with the kids, and if I write him, keep better get it on time. Oh yes, say I play myself for you. They say that that you don't even know. Just me, me, me, me, me me. One of my artists. Man, I'm just sitting here think about her. Where would she be now? Amazing? Amazing for sure. So yes, listener letter episode, guys. You know we have to do especially dedicated episode for y'all. I mean it's to the point now where she got

on the whole up. I got my blanket out, my tea, she loved to be. I'm ready to hear what you got to say. First of all listener letters, Codine wrote me a four page letter in college front and back. You get it, so it was technically a scripted No one was still for is its four pages. It was four pages from back scripted. My eyes hurting reading it, proclaiming her love for me. I remember those days when she used to love me like that. She put it in a car, left it under my pillow. Now I

just drop it from I'll take that day period period. Yes, enough about us, let's it into y'all. Yeah, we pulled some listener letters from the slew of letters that we get in our email. Thank you Travil for sifting through all the mail and pulling out some scenarios that you have going on here. We're gonna best to give you some advice. Even though we don't consider ourselves to be experts.

But what we can do was try to relate to what you'll go and do because we didn't been through a lot like there might be a little situation or a story or a little anecdote that we have that we can you know, add into a story that you'll have here. So um so yeah, we're just gonna do our best to see what what we can come up with. All right, So the first one today, Hey dvalin CoDeeN. I am a twenty seven year old single woman living in Maryland. I recently shared with a male friend strictly

platnic about a guy that I liked. I saw his advice to gauge if the guy was into me or not. My friend came up with various reasons as to whether he was into me or not. But my male friend gave one suggestion to help quote unquote inc prease my chances in the future, and it was to lose weight. Now. I've been on a successful weight lost journey for two years now, which I had to school my friend on. His comment. Hurt but also confused me that my weight may have been the reason as to why this guy

was not interested. I even had a woman. I even had women along my weight lost journey. Tell me the guys must be coming after you, now, was my male friend? Correct? Are men less attractive to plus size women? I guess I should answer this question because I'm a man. Well, listen, there's two things here. Number one, there's a politically correct answer that people want here all the time, which is it doesn't matter what you look like. There's someone for everybody,

right of course. But then there's also just the truth. Right. There are beauty standards set which may be fair or not fair. Fear that say that slimmer women get more attention. That's just the standard. And to be honest, if you want increase your chances of who likes you, you know, I guess losing weight. But that doesn't mean that you'll never find someone if you're a heavier person. I mean, I know some really thin women who are lonely because

even though they're were thin, they don't got nobody. I know some plus sized women who are happily married, which means there is no exact science. So that's the politically correct answer, and that's the answer that most people will tell you. This is what I'm going to tell you, right you've got to be happy with yourself, because it

doesn't matter whether you're a plus size or thin. If you're not happy with yourself, whatever issues you have with yourself, you're gonna bring to whatever relationship you have, and that is going to turn a guy off more than your parents. That's just period, point blank. If you're insecure about how you look, whether it's too big or too small, that

insecurity can be a turn off for anybody. That is true because I also to know, um some women who are a little bit more plus size that have confidence through the roof, and with the confidence through the roof, then that in turn attracts a certain kind of energy. Right, So if you feel good about your weight, long journey and where you've gotten so far, I think it's a sensitive topic for women first of all. And you know the fact that people are saying, man, the guys must

be coming after you now. It just kind of almost like a backhanded comment like damn girl, you probably were biggest hell before people didn't like you, but now all of a sudden they're they're flooding in. Um I do agree, Yeah, it is backhanded. Um, So you definitely have to for working yourself first, which seems like you're doing, which is a good thing too, but also too I don't think you necessarily have to alter who you are and what you look like to then accommodate somebody who you think.

You know, when she was gauging if the person was into them, into you or not, I think that's the first thing that people see someone's physical appearance. So if a person is into you off the bat, then chances are they like you for who you are. And then part of your fitness journey, you know, on your journey to health is probably just the icing on the cake. See,

but that's that's the truth. Though, like people want to say it's vain to think about looks earth you typically don't start talking to someone or get to meeting someone who you're not physically attracted to first, So that's a

part of it, right. So if you're walking around and this person seems to be attracted to you, however you look right now, means they're attracted to you now, you know, very rarely do you meet someone who says, you know, what, she looks good, but if she loves weight, she will look better. And it's not just a woman thing. I know, do who are big who people like, Oh, they want to everybody wants a guy with a six pack. Nah.

I got some big homeboys who got some very beautiful wives who are all into them, and it doesn't matter if they're slim or big. So I think it hugs. You've been hugging some big guys. I need to know how many years because we've been together nineteen. I'm not talking. I'm just talking about us. Get up on the podcast, don't get funked up on the podcast on whatnot to that. But now it's um, it's really about confidence man. It's it's just really about confidence, man. Don't don't let and

sometimes people try to get you compliments. I'm trying to help you, you know, if they feel like you can be better at something because they know that you're looking, you know, looking to be better. For example, she says she was on a weight lost journey. So if your friend may think he may think he'd be encouraging you by saying, hey, you're doing well, but if you lose more weight, he may think he's trying to encourage you. He may not be trying to be malicious. So it's true.

Sometimes like the way people deliver messages, necessarily the way they come across. I'm more the way they're intended. But I feel like, girl, if you are out there working out, getting in better shape for yourself, loving yourself along the way, whoever he is, it's gonna come along. Okay, you're twenty seven to girl, you got you got all the time. Take that from my old head like me. Yeah she Oh, I'm twenty five, so I can't relate to old headedness. Okay, sorry,

though I like my coola, I love my couger. We know what kind of head if you like fresh on to the next question. All right, I got this one, go for it. I got engaged a year ago after four years of dating and talking about marriage for gears. My man and I are compatible in a lot of ways, but since COVID, a lot of things have come into play that I didn't see in our years of being together,

family being the biggest one. I've realized that he has a savior complex and feels he needs to solve his siblings problems even when it has nothing to do with him and isn't life for death. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have a problem with this, but he is putting us on poor so he can help solve everyone's problems. I feel abandoned. We also have a lot of other issues, like him not having a job and not part How do you have a savior complex? You've got a job

like that already to me and make no sense. But anyway, we also have people that We also have a lot of other issues, like him not having a job and not prioritizing us in the future. We're trying to build together. The only urgency I see in him is is his want to make money and have and help his family. But there has no plan in place to move us forward at all. How do you want to make I

have no job? I'm confused. I've been very patient as he's navigating working throughout his relationships, but now everything is compounding and I'm wanting to leave. We've tried therapy, but he's starting to take us, or take his stress and anger out on me. He's an angel to everyone else, but it's truly unkind to me. More than anything else, I already know who this person is. I'm seeing it's the shift in behavior that is turning me completely off

and wanting to leave. We are both in our mind, we are both in our mid thirties, and I wanted to get your opinion on if we should stick it out because of the time invested or separate. I feel like it's one sided. I know I'm not an angel, but me shutting down and wanting to leave is reacting from what he's doing. Please help girl. You said wanting to leave about four times. I think you already left. Agreed, right,

I think she's already left. And maybe she was just kind of talking us through this whole thing to pretty much say, girl, you already left. You checked out. Um it's funny because I don't know if he lost his job just because of COVID, you know, the pandemic. A lot of people lost their jobs, so maybe he kind of feels like in that too. He's trying to help his family, he's trying to get back on his feet,

and he's trying to do all the things. So it seems a bit scatterbrained to me too, with someone's like spreading yourself in and you're trying to help so many different people, so many different situations at one time, but you can't even help the one that is your main relationship. Um, so I see, I can see how it's easy to for her to feel abandoned. Um, I guess my question is too, I guess if they started therapy, because my question is like, is he actively working towards changing that

if it's something that they expressed. But then she said he just takes his stress and anger out on her, So I don't know if he's truly unkind to you like you say, Um, the shifting behavior doesn't see like it is going to change. You're completely off wanting to leave. I think the writing is on the wall girl, especially in your thirties, like I've got time to play games.

This is this is what I think as a man who cates the privilege of being a provider and wanting to be the head of household, I know how difficult it can be to say, for example, during COVID, you lost your job and now you can't provide. So now you have you have options. Right one is be the savor complex. I know I'm not where I want to be in my life, but I'm gonna save everybody else so I could at least feel better about where I am. So I'm I'm gonna act like the savior and save

everybody else. Additionally, you tend to take out all your insecurities and all your deficiencies as a person as a person on the person who's closest to you, because now she's saying that he's changed and he's being mean. I see. I hope to God that people don't take what happened during with COVID and everything as what life is going to be like with this person, because that's an anomaly, like that's a rarity. We're not going to be living

in a pandemic forever. We're not going to be going through a recession at the same time as a pandemic forever. So this is probably the most extreme circumstance that you have with someone. So I wouldn't base your entire relationship on these last few months or year, because you said you've been together for four years, so hopefully there have been better times during those four years for you to decide whether or not you want to stay. I wouldn't

just rush to run. I would see if they can rebound, you know, after, because COVID is not over, but as the world begins to open up, hopefully he can get a job and understand that it's not easy to try to be head of household and lose a job, especially as a man. It's it's difficult because, and I say this all the time, when you're in a relationship and you're married, at getting married, if you're going through financial issues,

the first person they look at is the man. No one ever says, you're going through financial issues, what is your wife doing? If you're going through financial issues, what is your husband doing? So for him, he probably feels the pressure and it's unfair that he's taking it out on you. But then he's also trying to deflect and

and fulfill himself by trying to help others. So say, I wonder too if this is even just a sign of someone who who may be feeling they need to continue to help family and be that crutch or that support for family even after the pandemic or after this

anomaly that we're in. Right, you do have scenarios where you have one spouse that is always trying to still help their family because they feel like they are in a position to or they feel like, oh it's their family, or you know, they just want to help out of the genuineness and the goodness of their heart. So could this be a little bit of an inkling? Is that just that's just his personality and he's going to want to try to continue to always help somebody and then

leave the deficit in the house. It could be And if that's the case, then they're going to have issues because your first responsibility has to be your nuclear family now, which is the woman you asked to be your wife, Like just just the bottom line, Your your spouse comes first. Like like anyone who says, you know my family, you know, my family is my family first, and I'm getting married

with my family comes first. You're entering into a marriage with the wrong mindset, you know, like the person you acts to be your life partner has to come first because you chose that person and that person chose you. And once you make that choice, you can't just say, okay, I chose you, but you gotta wait. That's selfish. So hopefully, you know, hopefully they can talk about it, you can

express how you feel, be transparent, and y'all can move forward. Yeah, and if you haven't checked out completely already, sis, maybe give it one last fighting chance. Like Devot said, and that was a good point you made. That this space that we've been in for the past here and change. Just can you really get a fair assessment of any thing or any relationship. People are reassessing their own selves

as individuals after this, you know what I mean? So um, so good luck to you out there and your boo. Hopefully all can get it together. All right, let's see what else we have here. I'm currently a new listener of your podcast, and I honestly can't stop listening to you guys. Thank you, we are definitely you're definitely coupled goals and just stop individuals, thank you. I need help.

So I was is slash am in current currently engaged to my fans and fans So she was slash m currently engaged, So she is, so she ain't I'm not sure engaged to my fiance who I was supposed to marry Maye. Okay, so the wedding would be coming up next month. Um. We dated for seven and a half years, engaged for four The reason I say was because she kay don't like to be engaged more than four days, let alone four years. But go ahead, finish yours. I

thought this episode was about y'all, No it is. I was just trying to relate to what they're going through. So ahead, use up to the reason I say, since you should have put a trigger warning in this, so at least we knew the valve was gonna be triggered. I just know how people don't like to be engaged for half a decade almost, let alone half a week. You want to finish my story or should I finish it? Bay,

whatever you want to do, I'm here for you. The reason I said was am because she put was slash am. It's because February was the last time I've heard from him or seen him. What what? He ended up blocking me and ghosting me without any explanation why. I have attempted numerous times to get ahold of him, but nothing, even tried emailing him nothing. We were doing pretty good but not sure why he blocked me or is keeping

away from me. We had an entire wedding plan for next month and now he's left me unknown what is happening? And have family and friends asking about the wedding has been so hard that I don't answer. A day before he ghosted me, I was spending time with him and saw his phone. He has a Facebook I don't so I noticed he was talking to this chick on Facebook Messenger and he said, hey, beautiful. What would it take to get you in my squad? She asked, what does

it consist of? And he said something so want to hang out with? And she called him. They had a thirty minute conversation and who knows what was said. They exchange numbers. When I asked him who she was, he said, it's just oh, no, no, no, I'm just I'm just she's giving him. It's just Arianna. That's her name, and that's all. I feel like he brushed it off and it was nothing, But it's a big deal. You're about to get married and you're entertaining other females and disrespect

to me and don't care. Why is he doing this to me? I need help. Since this happened, I've developed anxiety and I haven't been happy and it's just taking a big toll on me. If it wasn't for God, I would not know what to do. This is easy for me, young lady. If you have brothers, tell your brothers to whoop his ass. But they can't find him. Oh, they could find him if they want to find him. She wants, she wants, probably wants it to be a mutual agreement with like, no, no, listen to me, they

got this new hold on. They got this new thing now right, Apple came out with it. It's like the size of a quarter where it has a tracking device in it. Right, get one of those, right, find out where his car is, put it in his car and tracking for a couple of months. Then let your brothers whip his ass. I'm telling you this right now. Somebody do that to somebody I love. Goes somebody I love like that to me because she said, I'm like, what

does she mean? I was? That's not crazy? And she's kind of like delusional because maybe okay, I'm gonna say shock, not delusional because she put was in sweetheart. He goes, shoot, y'all, alp was gett married next month and you haven't heard from y'all. Not engaged no more? Because even if he comes back, you should not be engaged months ago. How do you even engage in a conversation after that? He needs to engage to ask how about that? That is

absolutely that's whack. First of all, um, coward. Yes, it's a coward move and that and at this rate, if it's something where he felt like he did not want to be married anymore, simply there has to be somebody that gets you have a whole family. I'm assuming of people on both sides. Somebody somebody had that's a mad corny somebody has to know where he is. And it just at this point, I wouldn't even want the explanation. I'd be like, you know what, yeah, thank you, thank

you for doing me a favor. But I feel bad. She said they dated for seven and a half years, engaged for it doesn't make any sense. It almost makes me think. I feel like, was he living like a double life and and like disappeared into some other life that he had, Like, you know, it wouldn't shock me. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Yeah, it wouldn't shock me because Conine watches these shows at night. Right is an unsolved mysteries. I'll be watching all the shows

onsolve mysteries. There's dateline secrets uncovered, um, all all the little mystery shows stuff. And they be living double lives, love double lives, so whole families and whatnot over Tessa and another set of family over. That's that's how it is. So I get to count your blessings that you don't have a baby and you're not officially married, so there are no tax implications, there are no children involved. Move on, sweetheart,

that this happened to you. It really doesn't. I'm not one forul to see that because now that's going to give her trauma for the rest of her life. She's going to be happy to deal with that. And always happened to question what she may have possibly done wrong. You ain't do nothing wrong. So all he got issues, Bro, he had cowards. That's messed up. Somebody about tight over here, y'all. You'll see his face, his brows starting to furry a little bit. You see the brow already got bushy brows.

You know my brows. Be careful that you're gonna get wrinkles coming. Listen. I hope nobody break my kids heart, bro, because I'm not the type of dad that could just be like, hey, he's doing this all right, I'm about you're trying to box somebody up. You know, mom of three boys, I know you got it all right. Up next. Hey, guys, my name is Matt and I'm twenty seven. I was looking for some advice. I love to hear from the guys. Yes, I found y'all's podcast a couple of months before me

and my wife separated. We were together about eight to nine years and married for three of them. We separated due to finances outside, outside interferences, and having children, in some miscommunication about seeing each other for more than a husband and wife. We separated towards the end of two thousand nineteen, but we kept in contact. She ended up dating and moving with a woman I already knew she liked men and women, but still kept in contact with

me on the low. Okay, fast forward to now, her and the woman she ended up with end up talking to, have had multiple problems and she would vent to me about it, and they're breaking up and moving separately. Right now, I'm just having to be the best friend I can be, but deep down inside I want my wife back and best friend back. I'm not sure if I go, if I go down, if I go back down that road, or do I move on? Ah? I'm a sucker fell

love of y'all. Let me tell you so. When I when I listened to a story like this, sometimes it feels like one of those things where you hear about people who are like married or together for how many years, and then whatever happens, things fall apart and then they go their separate ways for a couple of years or whatever, and then they end up back together again. I feel like I've heard recently about maybe a couple that got

married again after years of not being together. And what makes me think that there may potentially be um some hope here for you is the fact that you guys separated, he said due to finances. I know that causes a strain on a lot of relationships, but depending on where they are financially now, maybe it might be something that that doesn't seem to be convinced. No, I was just saying maybe for something that they could have worked past, that is nice, right. He said that she likes men

and women. Okay, he will never be able to be at anything she wants or need in a partner because he can't be a man and a woman. It's going to be very difficult for her to be monogamous with anybody because clearly she wants access to both. Even when she she left him, she was talking to the chick, but talking to him on the low, which means she was probably talking to another woman on the low while

she was with him, which is fine. She just needs to be honest with herself and say I like men and women, and I can't be in a monogamous relationship. Maybe y'all can have a sister wife situation where you know that's the only way can work out is if it's her and her girlfriend and him or have an agreement and they in a collective trio of a relationship.

But him just being getting his wife back and expecting her to just it's not so yeah, So you feel like he's just holding onto that idea of her being his wife, but she may not be able to fully commit to being that for him right because she just doesn't want to be his wife. She also wants to be in a relationship with a woman, and it's unfair. It's unfair for him to expect her to just be what he wants her to be, and it's unfair to her.

It's unfair for her to not be honest with him or a woman and say that I want both if you're not gonna be upfront, because having one and keeping one on the side, it's always gonna end up in heartbreak. I'm pretty sure the reason why her and the other women are no longer together it's because the other woman probably found out that she was still talking to him.

I guarantee you that way to see how that could be even just with in a relationship, say he was it was him and her his wife, and then um, like he had an outside friend or something like that. Like sometimes the friend on the outside or like the old relationship on the outside if you're still in communication causes a riff, regardless of if it was a man

or a woman. I mean, I know what you mean, but I think in this case it's very direct because she has an affinity for men and women, which means she'll never be able to get that from one person. So you know what I'm saying. It's like if I have an offense since since I have an affinity for women, I love women, but you are a woman. There's nothing else that I can get from somebody that I can't get from you. As long as you and I continue

to have communications and discuss what that makes sense. But if you were intimate, for example, there's nothing I could do to be exactly you see what I'm saying, And I guess that makes sense, and not for nothing. She probably doesn't feel comfortable being honest and say I want both and I want both of y'all because traditionally it's

not acceptable. So she tries to live that life and in secretly do this, and then tries to live that life and secretly do that because he has to understand if she was in a relationship with somebody, but she's talking to you on the low, don't that make you think she was probably doing that to you? You know what I'm saying. I guess I was looking at it from the standpoint of the reasons why they broke up that he listed was the finances um outside interference about

having children. If she was, those are the reasons he gave her, those are reasons she gave him, and then went out and with the medication about seeing each other for more than a husband and wife. So and looking at that, I felt like, Okay, maybe after some time away, maybe they could have worked past it. But you did raise a good point where he may not be able to be everything that she needs if she has the

affinity for men and women. Imagine a world where this woman didn't feel scrutiny for how she felt about being with people and was able to be honest with a man and a woman and say I love both of y'all, and let's see if we can work it out. Imagine the world what as possible. You know, what happens. They have a conversation. Maybe it works, maybe it don't work. He has an affinity for a woman, he gets two women. Maybe that other woman does have an affinity for men

and women too. She gets a man and a woman. She has an affinity for men and women. She gets both. If they're able to speak it and enjoy it, they could work it out, if they can make it work. If not, he might be like, no, I just want he said he wants his wife and his best friend back, so he may not even want another woman. He exactly, and I just want you back. And that may not work for her and may not work for her. But if they had a conversation, but the fact that he

said on the low means that she's not living her truth. Yeah, man, I think you need if you can encourage conversation from her, honest conversation, maybe just say hey, you know, hey, whatever her name is, um, just hey, you know I understand that this is how you feel. You haven't attracted to men and women. I may not be able to be everything that you need. Do you feel this way? And maybe encourage the conversation of the dialogue and hope that she can be honest and let him know. So good

luck to you, Matt. Hope that works out for Yeah, you get your boo back. So look, we're gonna take a quick break. We got more, We got way more. Let us on our way back, but we gotta pay some bills. Um, I thought I thought it was it was al writer, gotta blanket. Listen to your stuff is cold. The air. No, the air was on in here because it was hot with the lights and whatnot. But it's like to be close you lucky I turned the fireplace and I didn't because you're closest to it, so you

would sweat. But it just makes me feel oh sis, tell me, tell me what happened. Bring it back, Bring it back. You said you got the air on. You're gonna put the air on a blanket and put the fireplace on, so you're gonna burn the gas and the A C at the same time. That's why I'm not doing that against it. I'm wondering how many times when I wasn't home, she had on the A C in the fine place. That's all I'm wondering right now, because

I know she's done it before. The only reason why he didn't do it is because I'm sitting right here. Semantic semantic. We'll talk about that in another episode when he talk about how frugal you are. We'll be back after I pay these bills. I'll pay them too, you do. All right, We're back with more listen to letters. I I some of these listener letters really be throwing me

for a loop. We were talking during the break and Shorty was just like he ghosted me and um, asking us if we and explain why he goes to her, And then it was like what happens when he comes back stumped assist. I don't even know what I would do. I didn't know what I do know what I would do, but we don't promote violence on this. You'll yeah, Hey, Conde and de Vale. I love the podcast. Thank you. I'm thirty seven years old with no children. I have a great job and bought a home back in two

thousands seventeen. I've been with my man for almost thirteen years and we're really happy. Problem is, I'm still waiting for him to pop the question. After all this time. He's ten years older than me and he's never been married. He tells me that it will happen one day, refers to me as his wife in a joking manner. It's really cute, But I'm not moved by all of that. I need the official proposal. I love him dearly and we have so many years invested, and I don't want

to leave my relationship. Neither one of us does. Do you guys think I'm a fool for sticking around and wanting and waiting? Or is it time to move on? I'm not the type of woman that thinks my good years are behind me, and I'm honestly happy with him in our relationship. It what could be holding him up? And how can I find comfort in waiting? Ahead? Girl? We know how you don't like to wait, so go ahead and give you give You made me seem like

impatient person in a life? Okay yo? I proposed the case, she said, has stopped watching all the She's like, oh, you have three hundred and sixty five days starting now? Can I help that? I was excited to be your wife and I could not wait to be your wife? Were you excited to be my wife? Were we excited to get married a little bit of both? I appreciate, and I was excited for a wedding to appreciate the honesty. That's what we do. We've been honest. I'm gonna be honest.

So I'm wondering if this is a case of why by the cow if you can have the milk for free? You know what I'm saying. They've been together almost thirteen years. That means they've been together since she's twenty four, and he's ten years older than her and never been married. So in his mind he probably feels like we're doing everything that married people do. I'm getting everything that a

married person gets or a husband gets. Pull disclosure. Men be afraid that women are gonna change when you get married, because that's what we're here. So that's what that's about. I don't know. I'm years she's been trying to hold it down to prove that she is worth marrying. Can we be honest? I hope you can be. Some women be going above and beyond to prove that they are marriage material. Then you get married and they're not the same person. And I mean it's vice versa too, because

some men do that. They give you everything to try to get you to be the woman and then once they get you as a woman, what they do. They get comfortable and they settle right. In the male community, you hear a lot of men say, don't get married because everything changes when you get married. That is the truth. But is that accurate for somebody who's been together for almost thirteen years? Is she putting up this facade for

thirteen years that she's trying to be a wife. Obviously I don't know, because I was ready to get married, So I don't know what their issue is. She's asking a question, why do some men like being in a relationship but don't want to get married. A lot of men talk about fearing marriage like that's permanent, Like that is that is the be all and end all for a lot of people. When you get married, it's very definite and permanent. In then it's like, okay, now do

we married? Now? What? Well? I mean that's accurate because the jargon that I've heard, you know, you overhearing men speak is like, oh that marriage, good luck, Oh don't do it, you know, And there's a lot of that negativity surrounding marriage when it comes to men and and you, guys, talks that you have with each other are amongst yourselves. So now y'all too, y'all talk about how sometimes marriage can be daunting for a woman. Y'all love the weason

once we're married. I love the proposal, y'all love the ring you'll love. I love the wedding. But then when it comes to the marriage and trying to keep up with the men and everything, because I feel like I've heard so more I've heard as a married woman, I've heard more complaints from other married women about being married. So then you know what I mean, don't want to get married? Well also, I mean I don't know about that be willed to win. But I'm also thinking about

women who then aspire to be married. I don't think there's enough conversations happening with the married women to kind of get the lowdown almost about what it's like. However, there's also to the opportunity for you to then see for yourself, because you don't necessarily want to be tainted

or jaded by other people's experiences. If I listened to the women that I've overheard that were married before me complain about their situations and their marriages, at that point, I probably too would have been like, damn is this something I want to do, or I would have been like, man, well, I can see why they like that, because since you bitch, or since your husband and ship or something like that at you know, so it could be two sided when

we're talking about that the jargone around marriage. But but let's let's take it back to when we were dating. Right, the excitement, the most excitement for you as a woman was getting engaged and getting having a wedding. Right, So the excited woman's life that I think many women look forward to. What I'm saying is is like the marriage wasn't even like I can't wait to be a wife. It was I can't wait to get proposed to and

I can't wait to have a wedding. Right. Well, yeah, I also wanted the wife title, but not necessarily aware of all of the weight that came with that type. Right, So think about it as women. Women want the title, I want the ring, I want the wedding. Right as a man, I gotta provide you with the ring and the wedding. What do I necessarily, as a man, gain from wanting so much to be married? If you hear

you would want a full wife? No, no, no, no, what I'm saying is if you said you hear from otherwise other women complaining about marriage, and men hear from other aready men about complaining about marriage. As a woman, when it's time to get married, you get a ring, you get the wedding that you want. As a man, what do you get you get married? We don't gain

anything from it. So I feel like when I'm talking about like physically, like far as the ring is concerned, So it's like, we don't get excited about the actual wedding day because it's a party if we want to get married. If a man wants to get married because he's exciting about being a husband and getting and having a wife and providing I guess provide you know what

I'm saying, or working to provide a lifestyle with his wife. Right, So if he probably feels like, if I'm doing all of this now as a boyfriend, what's the big deal about getting married? That's my point because it's like, what's the big deal about the wedding? If we're both happy and we're doing this together, right, what was the big rush to have a party and to and to invite other people and spend money? So maybe they don't have to have a big wedding, which is in retrospect what

I would have done. Don't do what I did before, say that because he didn't meant she didn't even mention it here a wedding. She just said that she wants a proposal and she wants to be married. So if it wasn't even a wedding situation, they couldn't even do something privately, something small. So even if it's just a sign of a sign of good faith, like yes, I appreciate you as my girlfriend for all these years. I'm committed, fully, I agree with you. I'm serious about where I am.

You know what I mean. But then will she apply the pressure like we had in a former episode and that's my pressure now, or she's setting out her expectations to him. So but this, but this is my that's my point of the psychology between a man and a woman during the dating process. Right, if a man is doing all of these things for you, already improving all of these things for you, he has his timeline. Right, You're in a rush to do what get a title,

get a ring, and have a party. You're excited, you're happy, you get everything that you want on the life. But until you get the ring, get the party, and the title, you're not content. For a man, he's the one responsible to give you the ring and the party and make you content. But what does he physically gain more now than he had before by getting married. Nothing. That's why men are always typically like marriage is so finite, you know what I'm saying, And I was getting into the psychology.

For me, marriage was more than that. For me, marriage what is is a part, if of course, as a contract, a financial contract that binds you and I. Right, It's also a title where I feel like we are committed to serving one another. These are my ideas of marriage. This is not what people typically think about a marriage. When I thought about marriage, I was thinking about legacy. I'm going to pass down what we've created for our kids to our kids, both of us, you know what

I'm saying. That's something that we want out of marriage more than me. Like me, over the years, I had to kind of redefine what marriage meant to me because again I was going into it very I want to say, blindly, not what actually you needed as a wife too, because there's also no structure for what the click cookie cutter wife looks like you know, I agree, so, but that's what you got to think about, like, and I think

people need to start thinking about that. When it comes to my partner's not rushing into marriage and I want to get married, what what do you want out of marriage? What does he want out of marriage or vice versa, and what are we gaining by going into that next step? So that might be a good conversation starter for you. Sis. How about like you said, maybe sitting down over dinner one night or over a date night, what would be

the pros and cons to officially being married? I agree with that, you know, and just kind of see if you even align on the benefits see that. See you're right there, the benefits of marriage. That's what people don't align on the benefits of a marriage and not the cons. You know. But I think that might be a good place to start because then you can really get an idea of what where the value lies for him or not, you know, and you won't feel it left in the dark.

Because if she says she's happy in her RelA and ship, she doesn't want to leave the relationship. She loves him dearly, So is that enough? Not having the ring is that enough for you to feel like, man, I just want to walk away. It's like you're going to leave that to them. Do what that's and that's and that's my point is like you found a man that you're in love with and you guys are building something together, but since he don't give you a ring and throw a

party and a title, you're really to walk away? What does that really say about what you were looking for in a partnership, you know what I'm saying. Like my my grandmother, my nanny, she was married before my grandfather um, they got a divorce, she started dating my Papa John together for years get married. And it wasn't because my

Papa John didn't want to get married. My grandmother was just like yo, chill out because to her at this point, marriage had a different value other than the wedding and the ring. You know, and just for a second time around, I'm considering it for a second time around. I could see how she would feel like that. Yet because now she has more insight and more wisdom to know that marriage is not just about that day. It's not just

about the ring or the title. It's about two people sharing in one ideal about how they're going to push their legacy forward. And if you're not together on that ideal, rushing to get married and not even rushing, just trying to get married because you've been together for a long time. That's another thing. We've been together twelve years. We need

to get married. If y'all can't even collaborate on ideals on what a marriage is, then you shouldn't get married because once you get married, then it's like, well now what now? Now it's now what? Now? What? Now? We're married? You know, So that's what they should. They should have a conversation about legacy and what marriage means to them, and then they'll be able to decide something. But they

each have to gain from that. So good luck to you, says, Hopefully that works out for you and your boot and the next is it the last? All right? They provide context for us now because a couple of times and we've and we've actually for context. So shout out to thank you for giving very well thought out listener letters here so we can get the total picture somewhat. Okay, hey y'all, First off, let me start by saying I love the work you do seeing black people portraying a

positive light. Thank you so much. Keep up the awesome and inspirational work you no want to the subject at hand. We appreciate that I am a thirty two year old woman and have been in a happy relationship for almost two years now. I must say that it is the most satisfying, selfless, healthy relationship I have ever been in. I like to think that this is old to the fact that we are. We were best friends prior to becoming a couple. That's dope. My boyfriend is quiet and

extremely kind hearted, which attracts females. He's the good guy that women want as their friend but don't want to date. I was one of them. That being said, he has other female friends. This does not bother me at all, being that I also have male friends. You shouldn't also know that he is not very attractive, not very active excuse me on social media. Ugly just he is not very active on social media platforms, although he has them.

There is a picture of one of his female friends on Instagram from two thousand seventeen, that is four years ago, okay, giving her a graduation shout out. Today I asked him to remove it from his page, and I feel like he was slightly annoyed by the request. I would be too. I am in no way threatened by this friendship. He still maintains with the woman. However, before we became a couple, he was completely honest and disclosed that he had sex

with her once. The reason I asked him to remove the picture is because one, I do not feel it is appropriate for him to have a picture of a woman he has sex with on public display while he is in a relationship. And too, there are no pictures of men on his no pictures of me on his social media, so there shouldn't be pictures of any other women aside from family. Like I said, he is not active on social media, so it doesn't bother me that

he doesn't post me. But seeing the picture, although it is four years old, triggered feelings of insecurity from a previous relationship where my ex pole. So that's what this really is about. There when my ex posted every woman except me and it turned out he was cheating. So I have my reasons. Yet you have your reasons, but that reason doesn't justify you asking that of him. But I am a mental health therapist, so you know all this, and your mental therapist make that makes sense, So I

realized that may be projecting past trauma onto him. Oh so you say exactly what it is but still requesting it. Okay, But I also realized whether I whatever I feel is valid to you? Valid to you? My question? However, you've answered all of your questions though, like whatever is? Do you guys think it is extreme of me to ask

him to take the photo down? Yes? And what are your thoughts when having photos of opposite sex and your social media, especially if your significant other isn't posted side note? He is Hella petty, I'm pretty sure he is, and proceeded to post a picture of me stuffing a sandwich in my mouth after moving her picture. Yo, because I some ship you would do. That's not woman. That's definitely something I would have did, because that was retarded and I can't even say that. I didn't say more. That

was that was? That was? This be a different world, y'all live in bro. How do you go back four years in his instagram? No one, he don't post find issue with a woman he admitted to having sex with, prying to prior to being with you and say, I know I'm projecting from my past relationships, but my feelings are valid. Girls, Make it makes sense, Cadine for me, please,

I can't even be with you on this one. Sis and I mean and typically we don't try to like gang up and take a side, but this is completely ridiculous at this point. The biggest thing for me was that you scroll back to two thousand and seventeen, No One, he don't pose and know that he don't. It's not even like he's a chronic poster. You scroll all the way back know that he doesn't pose. He was honest and upfront about the fact that he had sex with

her one time. He's honest about the fact that they're still friends. I feel like you're just blunting for punishment, like you're just looking for a reason to pick a fight. The best thing about this is that she says she's a mental health professional, all right, Like you already know you answered a lot of your questions here. She did answer all her own questions, right, And if you feel like you're feeling is valid because you had this past trauma,

then you cannot project that on him. Though you know what she's doing, right. She knows she wrong, but she's gonna keep asking for advice until someone validates her feelings. I'm not doing that here the wrong place. I am not doing that here. You was bugging, and you might be. You might miss out on a good thing if you continue to bug out this way, because the one thing you can't do to people is make demands. You know what I'm saying. You don't doesn't take kindly to demands.

Because times when I felt like I was gonna put my foot down and say it's gonna be this, or that Devo is not doing this, or that Dival is doing whatever that's he wants to do. So that being said, I'm just like, bro, I'll tell you how I feel, we try to acknowledge it, and then we move forward. But him him, him being petty after I had to laugh at it. I had to keep petty. But he

even not as petty as me. I probably would have posted another picture to go that would have been like devout a call to up and be like, hey, so it's just like swimming real quick, look at this selfie. And he would have posted a selfie with homegirl because because they've done the whole real together, Like I feel like you can't have retroactive jealousy. So it's like we were, we were friends prior to us dating. You knew that we had something before, but now you're jealous of a

friendship and a relationship we had one time before. That's kind of crazy. And then you know that you're bringing this past trauma from another relationship into this relationship, so you've created a whole scenario. Also, why do people put social media standards on real life relationships? Like for me, this is the only time I would be mad if

someone posts something on social media. If me, you, Josh, and Nora are all friends and we all friends on social media, right if you post pictures of all your friends, but you don't post pictures of me, and you post all the time, At that point, excuse me, I would say, why is it that you post all of us and we're all friends and you don't post me. You understand

what I'm saying. But if we're in a real relationship, not a friendship like I'm talking about it, if we were just friends on social media, a romantic relationship and we have a foundation rooted in truth friendship, she said, he is his best from her best friend, and you don't post on social media, why are you using social media as the standard to which you want to hold your relationship values to. That to me, doesn't make any sense. We are friends in real life, we are lovers in

real life. Been the most sad, find selfish and healthy relationship I've been in. I'm lost. So why are we making it sick? Well, you know what we just found out. You know who makes it unsick? What makes it sick? You know who makes it sick her? Because this soon, this ain't gonna be satisfying and healthy. If she keeps doing stuff like this, he's going to get frustrated and he's going to be over it. Because then she said,

he's petty for doing that. But since you petty for even bringing that up, and we all got to stop doing that. We gotta, like, we gotta stop making it seem like social media is to be all that ends all. Like even if you post a picture every single day, that picture takes a snapshot, that's a fraction of a day. You have so many other days, so many other minutes and hours in the day, But you want to focus on a fraction of a second that someone posts. It's

kind of insane. It's insane. I guess it's really insane. I don't know and the thing is girls just laughed this one off at this point. Yeah, you should see my damn will talk about how many women send me questions about their man like this, or men send me questions my woman follows this person, And I'm like, gods, social media was made to follow like in comment. If you on social media, people are gonna follow like in comment. And then they try to break down to me why

what their significant other is doing is wrong. And a lot of times I'll be like, well do you do that? Yeah, but it's different because now lost lost you lost me because this is a this is a thing. This is a current thing. Men don't like when their women follow other men on social media. I've noticed that like that has been a recurrent thing from like men asking me

and women don't like when they're men likes other people's stuff. Sure, And this is the point that where I could scroll through Instagram and we may follow some of like similar people and there'll be females beautiful female else and I'd be like, oh, devout like the picture. But it never crossed my mind, like oh why the devout like such and such a picture. Usually I'd be like, yep, I like it too, well, first, this is the first thing.

First of all, I won't like booty picks, and the reason why I want like bootypicks don't even be because of you. I don't want anyone else seeing my name on the booty pick and think that that's what I'm waring. You know what I'm saying that I won't. I won't do that. So I won't like a booty pick. But if I see if it's a girl that we know, for example, we know through social media that we've worked with and she's attractive and she posted a nice picture,

I like it because my homegirl, my cast mates. I have beautiful cast mates. They post a picture, I'm gonna like it, you know what I'm saying. But um, I also have respect for my marriage. Not so much my fear that my wife is gonna be upset at my life. I respect for my marriage. If someone sees I am devou like a picture of a chick naked doing a split, that could be seen as disrespectful, and I don't even want to put that out there for someone else to create a wrong idea of who I am. So I

do that for myself. I don't even do that because my wife is insecure. I do that for my so I don't want people looking at me like I'm a creep, you know what I'm saying. But I've never, at any point in social media felt like if I don't do this or I post this, well enough, can you may break up with me? Like that's never been definitely not. I think so far past that you've never You've never put that, that's never been a thing. That's just that's just not a battle that we have. UM know, we

use social media, we don't let it use us. And I implore people to do the same thing. Understand that social media as a tool, like stop making real life decisions based on what happens on social media, please, And that's what your your job, that's what your your relationships with your family, your friends, and definitely your significant others. That's all we have for today. That went by fast.

That went by fast. Guys. We'll keep writing in you know, we'd love to hear from y'all and all that good stuff. But before we do anything, UM, do you have a moment of truth that sums anything up here? I mean, we had so many different topics that we were talking about today, um or any kind of any words that you'd like to say to our listeners when of truth, very very simple of the issues that happen in relationships

can be solved with adequate communication. Period learn how to communicate and converse and listen, not only get your point across, but listen, and the problems can be solved. The reason why I say that is because there's that one percent of people that just ghost people, and you're just like, I can't there's nothing that there's no conversation that where are you? I'm thinking too, like where's wildo? And it's like you're looking on the map, like where do you go?

Where do you go? Is camouflage? Somewhere you go? Is what we want to know. Please let us know if you find him, since like honestly, send the update so we can just at least know, like what transpired. My

moment of truth today is I just love y'all. Like I feel like I need to say thank you to everyone who subscribes to the podcast, who listens, who shares with their friends, who you know, puts a clip in their group chat with the girls and their guys, Like I feel like we don't often get a chance to really just thank you all for the love and the support and the positive vibes and rooting for us like

I've never seen a group of strangers. I would say, because we don't know you all personally, but strangers really root for us the way so many of you do. So thank you. That's that's just my moment of truth today. You are the reason why we're able to have this podcast, which we enjoy so much. We love to do us in our team. UM So, just thank you, guys, thank you. Nothing profound to say other than just thank you. I gotta say that that was definitely well well thought out

and needed. Thank you pig to say, thank you, you'll dope, We love y'all. We appreciate you, and be sure to find us on social media at dead as the Podcast. Of course, this is Becaudine I am and am devout and if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe and keep writing in listening letters y'all. Then ask advice at gmail dot com. Do we give them that? Oh D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com.

Letters in we'd love to hear from y'all. Thank you so much, Dead as Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as to podcasts and Never Miss a Thing