Is Your Kid The Bully? Steps You Can Take To Help Your Kids Avoid Being The Bully.

Check one, two. Check one two, check one two, check one two. Check one two, check one two. Hey, welcome back guys. My name is Danny Dumas and this is the earn your title podcast. Today we've, we're going to talk about bullying because school is coming up. And a lot of times when we mentioned, you know, bullying, it is in the context of wanting our kids to avoid being bullied. And this is a, it is a problem.

I don't know if epidemic is the right word, but it is, it is definitely something that's increasing this fact that our kids are You know, they're experiencing stress that we didn't. And I think growing up, we all had, you know, the person you would describe as the bully in your class. And that was uncomfortable and that was not enjoyable. But what has changed is that when I went home and, know, when I was, you know, 1995, when I was 15 and I went home, I was away. I escaped the bully.

I got away from them. And now our kids through social media, it's a nonstop. every single day, every hour, every minute, they have the potential to be getting bullied. And so we spend a lot of time on teaching our kids how to deal with bullies and do all this. And that's not what I'm going to talk about today. I'm going to talk about how do we prevent our kids from being the ones that are bullies. And this is something that I don't think a lot of us want to think about.

They don't want to think that it could be our kid is the kid that's giving, you know, is ruining the day or the life.

of somebody else. But I think it's really, really important that we have some discussions about what it is to, what it means to be a bully and what that actually looks like. And the first thing I think as parents, we need to realize is that once you get to the point where your kids are leaving your home for extended periods of time, you don't know exactly the kind of person they are.

Now you can hope and you can wish and you can dream and you can have put a lot of work into making your kids good, kind, caring, moral people. But when they have a chance to get into high school, you know, maybe middle school and they go away from you for extended periods of time, they can start to act and talk and do things that you would be appalled or that would be very disappointing.

And you have to realize that your kid could be the bully that and that's the start as a parent to realize that it could be your kid. My wife works at a school and she's always amazed at when she'll make contact. It might not even be bullying. It could be like failing a class or something. She'll make contact with a parent and they're just like, there's no way. And they'll have something that's obvious. they're, I don't know, let's call it bullying.

There'll be one kid that takes another kid and shoves them in the locker and knocks them down. And they've got it on video. Everything's on video. There's video cameras everywhere. And they tell a parent and they say, You know, your son was involved in an altercation today. He pushed someone and they fell down and they were crying. And they would say, there's no way my son did that. It's like, ma 'am, we have it on video. Well, they must've done something to him. And that could be true, right?

That very possibly could be true. But you can't assume that your kids are going to be perfect. One, that's unreasonable. There's no kid that's going to live up to that. They're going to fail. My son and both daughters are going to fail. They're just going to do things that disappoint me. I need to kind of be ready for that. And when you hear that, when you get feedback from a teacher or administrator, your first thing can't be to say, there's no way. That's part of the failure.

If you don't think your kids can do wrong, you have failed as a parent. You haven't been paying attention because I, if you look back in your life as when you were a teenager, ask yourself, were there things that you did said were a part of that your parents had no idea and probably would have been disappointed if they knew you did that? I know that was true for me because my parents, listen, I will not be divulging my secrets.

But I know there's things that like, man, if they knew I, you know, I was part of that, I'd probably be disappointed. So the first thing we need to do as a parent is realize one, that our kids aren't perfect. Two, that if they are part of a bullying or they're doing something, it doesn't mean they're terrible kids. It just means they're small, young humans that are trying to grow up and figure out life. It's not a direct reflection on you. And I think that's where some of it comes from.

Like you get the phone call, hey, your son was involved in a fight. And the first thing you think of is there's no way he was responsible for it. There's no way he was the aggressor.

That's the wrong mentality. The mentality is, okay, is my son okay? My daughter okay? Is the other person okay? Let's go in and talk about it. If you come in to the school office and you're instantly defensed, there's no way my son, you don't know what happened. You don't know what your kids are capable of. So just reel it back and go in there with a open mind that something happened.

There's probably, you know, both kids, if it's two kids, they both probably had something to do with the problem. They were both instigators at some point, you know, and just have an open mind. I think that's the start as parents is we need to have an open mind that our kids are not perfect. They're going to mess up and don't assume that it's automatically the other person's fault. Now don't assume it's your kid's fault either. Like go in and gather data.

I think that's the point is, you know, I think Reagan said trust, but verify if your kid's saying something. you know, hear them, believe what they're saying is true, and then go verify it because teenagers can be manipulative. You know, they can, they can, they're smart, they're intelligent. They'll say what they need to say. So go verify. The second thing is, is we need to equip our kids.

And I'm gonna, I'm probably gonna talk more about sons because I'm still raising daughters, but I was, I went through the full, you know, young man to manhood. I understand that side a little more. We need to equip them with what does it look like to be a bully and what actions are bullying versus what are just normal interactions.

And I know in the world of men that sarcasm and making fun of and even some physicalness, know, pushing and fighting that is completely normal and good and acceptable. And I think in the and our school administration because of just the atmosphere that there currently is, there's a zero tolerance for lots of things that are just very masculine or boyish.

You know, it would be nothing for me and my friends to walk down the hallway and my buddy kicks the back of my foot and then I kick to my foot and I fall over and I turn around and I shove. And we both laughed the whole time. I fell and then because he's laughing at me, I pushed him in the locker. He hits the locker. He laughs. Now, if you look on that on video with no sound, no audio, it looks like, hey, these two guys are fighting. They just got into a fight.

There's a zero tolerance policy and fighting. I don't fully agree with that. think boys interact physically, you know, or girls are probably going to speak more. They're going to be, you know, I think girls can be a little more harsh. because they do use words, right? And those words can really sting where something physical, it happens and it's done. So you need to talk to your sons about what does bullying look like? What kind of interactions can you have?

And the way that I've determined to help my son determine like that interaction of whether you are insulting somebody or whether you're just having fun is to teach them the power balance.

For instance, if he's with one of his best friends and they're the same age and they're the same size and they're making fun of each other back and forth about, you know, I don't know, one guy, you know, he's got, you know, look at all the zits on his face and then he makes fun of, he makes fun, my son gets made fun of for, you know, you know, not being able to read the word on the board and that's fine. They're at equal playing. They are in the same and they have a relationship.

There's no power imbalance. There's no relationship imbalance. That is fine. And then I encourage them to do that. Where I work at the fire department, we speak sarcasm. It is our first language, not even the second language. And you come into the room and guys will just start making fun of you. And it's awesome. And you make fun of them. it's weird, right? Because we're insulting each other, but it shows that we love them.

In fact, when we get new guys, You know, guys will give them a hard time. They're feeling them out. They'll make, you know, they'll tease them a little bit, but they don't go hard on the new guys for a little while. If they like the person, if they, you know, enjoy being around them, you'll see the level of criticism and making fun of increase rapidly because they like this person and it's them being open, right? Being vulnerable.

Cause you know, in this day and litigious society, you are opening up yourself. If you're making, especially at work, if you're making fun of somebody, there's danger there, right? So to do that, you're actually saying, Hey, I trust you. I, I, I love you. You're my friend. I'm going to make fun of you. You can make fun of me and we're all okay. This is a big, you know, community. It's good.

Well, with your son, you need to teach them that there's in probably your daughter too, that there's, long as there's balance and there's a relationship that, that the teasing and make fun is totally fine. Where it's not fine is where there's a power and balance. And that power imbalance could just be someone's much, you're much bigger than somebody else.

So if they're, if you're in the same grade and your son has hit puberty and he is playing football and there is another kid the same age, hasn't gone through puberty, it's not an athlete and there's something, there's physicality there. know, your friend trips the kid, that's bullying because there's a, it's a difference in power, right? It's a difference. And when you're coming at somebody from a position of authority, or of power, it's no longer funny because you have more power than they.

You're not on an equal playing field. It could be age, right? An older person saying something to a younger person can be bullying, where the younger person saying something to the older person is not. Like, you know, my nephew is awesome. Hudson just loves life. He is so much fun and he can rib at my older son. all the time. He can just go at him and you know make fun of him and that's fine.

He can't bully my older son because my son's bigger than him, he's stronger than him, he's more mature than he is. That's not bullying. He's just being a you know he's being the young cousin. The other way though because my son is bigger, stronger, and older, if he starts going after him that could turn into bullying because he's got a power imbalance.

So teaching your kids that when they're interacting with somebody, they really need to be aware of where the power imbalance is, which takes us back to parenting. And probably the most important aspect of not having our kids becoming bullies is for us to be the example. And now, like I said, I live in a world at work that is highly, aggressive when it comes to teasing and making fun of, I mean, we joke about, you know, a guy I work with every day. a great friend.

His dad died when he was young and we make fun of him for that. And he laughs at it. You know, it's been, it's been 20, 30 years and like if he does something and like, that's okay, you didn't have a dad. And he laughs and he's told us, he's like, makes him easy. actually makes me think about my dad. He's like, it's a good thing. So I do that at work. We make, we, we have a heart and we have a dangerous job. So there's dark humor. There's all these things.

I can't bring that home because there's a power imbalance. I really should never be making fun of my kids. And this is something my dad was excellent at. My dad pumped us up, told us he was proud of us, told us how awesome we were and how good we were. My mom did the same thing, super proud. They never really played the sarcastic, teased us about things, because I think they knew they were in a position of power. And now that might be a relationship that's normal for you.

Like that's how your dad grew up, maybe. You're in the, everyone's got the, the horror story of being in the garage, helping your dad work on the car and he asked for a wrench and you bring a, you know, you bring a screwdriver and he berates you for being dumb here. How dumb, how stupid. And I've talked to guys that are like that work. They're like, I'm tough because I had to work on cars with my dad. I, he asked for the five 15 millimeter and I got him the five sixteenths and he went nuts.

Use caution with that. You have a power imbalance and you're teaching your kids how to interact. And while that you might not be mean any harm over it. You might say, yeah, this is just how this is just how we react. I would encourage you to dial that back and to maybe zero. I really try not to make fun of my kids ever. Am I am I 100 % on that? I'm not. And, know, there are some times where it can be fun. I think you can get away with it. But the world is going to beat your kids down.

It's not your job to reign them back like my I have three kids. My oldest and youngest, they're pretty confident in everything. My middle child, you know, she's super good at everything. She's not always the most confident. It's not my job to bring, it's not my job to bring the oldest and the youngest down, to knock them down. The world's gonna do that. They wanna be, you know, they wanna be super confident. Go for it. I'm not gonna knock you down. The world will do that eventually.

Plus parents, need to example, we need to set a good example of what being a bully isn't. And that's being patient.

and kind and I would encourage you as a dad to dial back the sarcasm. Your kids don't need that from you. Something else that I think is very important and this is different than when we grow up is the fact that there's a lot of communication that's going on in the form of written text.

And we've all experienced this but our kids I don't think understand completely because their world can be, especially during the summer when they're not seeing their friends every day, is almost 100 % through text. And so they're very comfortable sending messages back and forth, but you need to reiterate the idea that sarcasm and even truth comes through differently when they're texting something, when they're writing something. It just is not a one -to -one understanding.

You can say something that in person, in voice, would be totally appropriate. They would completely understand the context that you're joking and you're just having fun. You say it through text messaging. Depending on how the other person is feeling whether they're having a good day or a bad day They can see that as the biggest insult they've ever had in their entire life.

They can see that as just being awful and I've really tried to Express one that if my kids are having an important conversation with a friend maybe things are serious to stop texting and call and talk because Words just written down through text messages.

Just don't have the same weight So if you're in really, you know, I'm teaching my kids if you're in a relationship with somebody and it's funny and you're going back and forth, you have to dial back the sarcasm, you have to dial back the joking through text messaging, because they will not understand. You'll just hear it differently. My son was talking, kind of having an argument with a friend, but they were just having some difference of opinion, if you could say.

And when he's reading this person's text messages, he would change his voice to annoyed. So he said, I said this to her, and then she said, well then leave. He changed his voice. I said, Levi, you don't know that's the way, you changed your voice to sound annoyed. Because you're assuming that the text messages that she sent was her being annoyed. And it was really just a short response. She just didn't elaborate on what she wanted to say. And Levi took that as being annoyed.

I'm like, Levi, this is very important. I'm like, if you're having this, I would encourage you to call her. Because right now what you're doing is you're assuming that she's sending you a text message. and it's coming across in a certain way. And for you right now, that's being annoyed. And one of the reasons is because you are annoyed. So you're hearing everything is like, this girl's saying these things.

so it just, letting your kids know that communication through text messaging, through emails is not the greatest way to get good emotional thoughts through.

Back and forth, chit chatting, but if it all gets serious, one, stop doing it and talk, two, If you can't do that for some reason, if it has to maintain this written communication, realize that you need to dial back the aggressiveness, the words you use, you need to be very clear, which is crazy that sounds, use emojis, you know, cause that does help. So just teaching your kids how to effectively communicate, I think is extremely important.

And I think if we can have an open mind that our kids have the ability to be bullies and we need to continually teach them educate them, talk to them, understand that if there's something going on in your personal life, if you're going through a divorce, if you have a family member that's sick, when you bring the stress levels up, your kids can respond negatively to that and equip them with that.

Let them know, hey, listen, know, know, grandma's sick right now and we're all very stressed out and maybe the parents, as a parent, you're gone, you're to the hospital a lot. Just really, tell your kids, when you go to school and you're in a high stress situation, realize that you might not react the way you want to and you really have to pay attention.

To give them the tool, just to give them the thought that, I am stressed out, I am worried, and maybe the way that I interact with my friends or my teachers is not the right way, that, just that alone can be enough to change them from being bullies to just saying, hey, I'm stressed out, I need to take a break. So giving your kids these tools, I think, will go a long ways towards You know, getting rid of the bully problem. Are we going to? Probably not. Social media helping? No, it's not.

But as a father, as a husband, and as a leader, you can have conversations. You can give your kids tools to stop that so they are not part of the problem. And I think that's a huge, very important part of parenting is just give them the tools. Let them work through it. Show them the way they said something, the way they reacted, how that could be perceived.

And I think you'll be, you you'll be well on your way to having a great kid who's, you know, well adjusted and goes on to do great things in the world. Cause I think, you know, as parents, that's what we want. And, you know, I hope you found value in this.

One thing I would like, if you found value in this, or if you had questions about this podcast, or maybe you had something that I missed or you disagreed with, on your podcast player app, there is a little button that said, send a text message. It's something they've just built into the software I'm using. And it goes right to me. I would love to hear from you. So click on that button, whatever podcast player using Apple or Spotify, I would love to hear from you.

Just, you know, I'd like the interaction. So hopefully you've enjoyed this. My name is Danny Dumas and this is the Earn Your Title Podcast and I will talk to you later. Bye.