095: 5 Things a Kid Should See Their Dad Do

We are going to talk today about the five things our kids should see us doing and before we dive into that , I want to give you guys an

update . The Grand Canyon trip that we're running in October it sold out in February in October . It sold out in February .

The training is going awesome , the guys are hitting goals and because it's been going so awesome and I'm pumped about it and my colleague Craig , we're having a really good time with it we're going to do another one , and this one's not going to be the Grand Canyon , but it is going to be in a really cool place in the outdoors that you're going to be pushing

yourself , having to get in good shape , for when you finish you're going to be feeling freaking , accomplished and alive , and that is going to be announced in a couple weeks . This is the heads up for that . If you want to get on the email list , that's where we'll announce it .

You can go to the website , tommygcoachingcom , and you can hop on the email list so you know when we launch that next trip . So pumped about that that's coming up , wanted to let you know . Now let's shift to the

episode today . So today . Now let's shift to the episode today . So today , the five things that our kids should see us doing . This is inspired by a blog post that I saw on the All Pro Dads website , and it was five things our sons should see us do .

The workout group that I'm in , f3 , at the end of every workout , they have a leadership topic or challenge , and this was the topic last week , and they went through the five things that were on this blog post and there were some good ones on there , so I want to share those and then a few other ideas about what our kids should see us doing as fathers ,

and the reason I think this is important is because see us doing is different than what advice we're giving them , what suggestions we're making to our kids , the lectures that we tend to dive into when we're trying to teach our kids .

We have heard it a million times that our kids learn from what we do , not from what we say , and a perfect example of this is my daughter learning from what I do and not from what I say ? I hate it when I ask her to do something and she says one second . And I tell her all the time that I want her to listen .

When I ask her to do something the first time , and I tell her that . But do I demonstrate it ? No , because yesterday she asked me to peel an orange for her and I said one second . I got to go change the laundry and then I'll peel your orange . Now I'm not going to drop everything I have to do so I can go peel her orange every time .

But where did she learn to say one second ? Let me just finish this . Oh , she learned that from

my behavior . So that's why this topic is so important . Our kids are watching us , and what should they see us doing ? So we can teach them to be solid , successful adults . What can we be demonstrating right now ? And here are five things for you to start doing . Number one is apologize . Admit when you screw up and do something wrong .

Let your kids see that you're not perfect . And there's two parts to this . One is apologizing to our kids , like if we blow up at one of our kids , coming up the next day or later on and being like , hey , sorry , I screwed up yesterday . I didn't mean to act like that , but my emotions just got the best of me trying to work on doing better .

And that's a newer concept for us to apologize to our kids . I don't think most of our parents apologize to us when they screwed up , so that's awesome , I think , taking this a step further . The second part of this is having your kids see you apologize to your wife or admitting a mistake to another adult . I screwed up the other day .

Brenda and I were supposed to meet at 5 am before the kids woke up to work . I was up , I was ready to go , even had some coffee brewed on a Saturday morning , but I was messing around with email and when she showed up I wasn't prepared with what I was supposed to be prepared with .

So that was an opportunity for me to admit a mistake , and I did , and I did it in front of the girls because it was like , right when they woke up . And that's an opportunity for all of us , I think , is to admit when we screw up . It's really annoying to admit . Come in contact with a person that doesn't admit when they're wrong .

We just had this issue with a fence contractor . They installed our fence a few years ago and we've had nothing but issues with the fence . And we had a 30 minute conversation with the guy .

We had done some research , kind of saw some faults in the size posts they use , how they put the posts into the ground and during the conversation we admitted that we probably could have asked more questions .

On the front end of all this but a half hour conversation there was no ownership on his side , no admitting that maybe they didn't do the best job on this go round and it's annoying . It's not someone you want to work with . It's not someone you want to be friends with . We don't want our kid to be that person that can't admit a mistake .

So that's the first thing they should see us doing apologizing , admitting mistakes . That's the first thing they should see us doing apologizing , admitting mistakes . Number two let your kids catch you reading a book , not scrolling on your phone . This one's pretty straightforward , comes from Ryan Holiday , who teaches about stoicism .

A lot of the stuff I know about stoicism is through Ryan Holiday and I don't know if I pulled this from one of his books or something online that I read , but it's always kind of in my head , especially when I'm scrolling on my phone and my kid catches me scrolling on my phone like , ah shit , I wish it was a book .

But the other night I was actually totally checked out and I picked up a book and laid in bed and was reading and it was bedtime but the kids weren't brushed , they weren't prepped for bed . I was supposed to be doing it and I just wasn't doing it .

Brenda came upstairs and I was like I'm sorry , I totally checked out and she kind of pulled this line out on me . She was like well , let your kids catch you reading a book , not scrolling on your phone .

So it helped me feel a little less guilty in the moment and I don't always get it right , but this one I like a lot because you're teaching your kid that reading is important , that reading is something that we do as a family and we don't have to be on our phone all the time . Number three speak kindly about people .

So I have this friend that has a horrible neighbor . This guy , if one of the kids crosses the property line , my buddy hears about it . He's given me some specifics . That man , I would be pissed if this guy was my neighbor . He's handled it really really well .

He's been as cordial as possible , assertive with things , checked out a few times and let his wife talk to him because he gets so pissed , handling it like an adult . I wonder and I don't know the answer to this how he speaks about the neighbor in front of his kids . Does he bad mouth him the whole time and bitch about him and call him an asshole ?

Or does he say things like you know the guy's a jerk , but we don't know what he has going on in his life right now . I mean he might have job issues , financial issues , he might have problems in his marriage . He's not right how he is acting and it sucks that we're getting the brunt of it , but he's probably hurting in other areas of his life .

If he's talking about his neighbor like that , he's seeing his neighbor as a human being and I think that's what our kids need to see us doing as dads . Is speaking kindly about other people , recognizing that everybody else has their issues going on , not gossiping , not pointing out other people's faults . Speaking kindly about other people .

Gossiping , not pointing out other people's faults . Speaking kindly about other people that was number three . So we've got apologizing , admitting mistakes . Let your kids catch you reading a book , not scrolling on your phone , and speaking kindly about people . Number four is let your kids see you treating your wife with respect . I like to throw this out there .

I've heard this example before . But speak to your wife like you would a CEO of a company . Respect your wife like you would respect a really refined , important professional person in your life . Would we cut off someone like that in conversation ? Probably not , all right . So let your wife have the space to speak , say what she needs to say .

Don't cut her off in conversation . How else do you respect your wife in front of your kids ? You lift her up , you celebrate her successes , you talk about things that you appreciate about her . I have a sister-in-law that just got her physician's assistant degree .

She went through a ton of school , a ton of testing , a ton of hours in the clinics and she passed . And the whole time her husband , my brother-in-law was championing her , supporting her .

He'd have the kids make dinner for his wife when she would come home after like a big test , or they would all go out to dinner together when she passed another step in the long train of getting her physician's assistant degree . So he was demonstrating to his kids how much he respected his wife and celebrating her .

So another way you can do this that doesn't have to be your wife making some huge accomplishment like that . It could be a family vacation or a weekend that was just really fun .

And in order for that weekend to be fun , mom had to do a lot of the logistical planning and maybe you guys hosted a party and were also at a bunch of sporting events and mom nailed it and the whole family benefited from having a good time .

At the end of that weekend you guys could be sitting around and you could just call it out like hey , babe , you crushed it this weekend . And she might brush it under the rug and not take the compliment , but you could just be like no , seriously , like we all had a blast and it wouldn't have happened without you , like we're really lucky to have you .

If you speak to your wife that way in front of your children , imagine the impact that has on their future relationships how your son will treat his future wife , the attributes your daughter will look for in a husband . How we speak to our wife in front of our kids is going to impact their future relationships .

Another thing to think about here is how do you speak about your wife when she's not around ? Like a lot of people be like , oh , we're going to do this , but don't tell mom or your mother doesn't need to know about this . It's kind of funny . People joke about it , but that's kind of undermining her . Is that respecting mom by keeping things from her ?

Another thing is like if your kid comes and complains about mom's been nagging at me , mom's been so crazy lately . That's an opportunity to show how much you respect your wife . Like you could just say , yeah , mom gets kind of bitchy sometimes and let it be like that . Or you could say , yeah , mom gets a little crazy sometimes , but we all do right .

Like I know I'm not always perfect

and I don't think you are either . Sometimes mom's not perfect . Those kinds of examples . Letting your kids see that it's going to go a long way in their relationships later in life . All right , that's number four . Number five is asking for help . Let your kids see you ask for help .

Let your kids hear you say I don't know that my dad hardly ever said the words I don't know . We actually started to make a joke of it when we got older and this is a thing for guys . We love offering support . We love offering help , but when it comes to asking for it , we're not very good at it .

I know this comes up for me whenever there's an issue in the house or with our car and my wife wants to call her dad to get advice on it , and I'm like I should be able to figure this out . We shouldn't have to call your dad . It used to lead to arguments with Brenda , it doesn't . I have let that go .

I have been able to receive a lot of help and support when it comes to fixing things , and my father-in-law is amazing about it . But even though I'm a lot better at it , there's still this twinge inside me whenever my wife wants to call him , and I think it's just a stigma .

Maybe it's because my dad always had a hard time saying he didn't know , and I feel like I should know . When we don't ask for help , we just delay getting the results that we want in life , like if something's broken at our house and I don't ask my father-in-law for help , that thing doesn't get fixed .

I either ignore it or I try and butcher the repair and then I have to do it again . Asking for support isn't a sign of being weak .

Being weak , it's actually an intelligent move , because you're going to get to where you want to go even faster if you have someone supporting you , someone in your corner cheering you on and this is what I do , right , like even the list that we're talking about here , the scrolling too much on your phone , the respecting your wife .

If you're not getting those results , hiring a coach is going to be that support that gets you there faster . And the reason we want to demonstrate the ability to ask for help to our kids is because we want to de-stigmatize it . The underlying belief when we don't ask for help is that if I ask for help , there's something wrong with me .

I must be broken or not good enough if I need a coach or if I need a therapist , and we don't want to pass that message down to our kids . Because nowadays to our kids , because nowadays a lot of kids see therapists , a lot of kids are seeing their school counselors and letting them know that that's okay .

Right , we can tell them yeah , it's okay to get help , it's totally okay , this is helpful , it's going to serve you . If we're not modeling that we ask for help sometimes , too , that we don't have it all together . Those words that the counselor is here to help you , they're not going to land if you aren't willing to ask for help . So those are five

things . I'm going to give you one more bonus one . The bonus one is have fun . Let the wall down , have some fun , sing a little bit whistle dance . You know my brother-in-law not the one that I mentioned earlier , a different brother-in-law . I have two awesome brother-in-laws . He just brought his son out to a baseball field with their remote control cars .

And he brought him to a baseball field because when you race the dust kicks up and when you spin circles you can drift the cars faster and longer . And his son's 12 and he's making that time to show his son that he's not just a go-to-work dad , he's there having fun . That's gonna allow his son not to take life so seriously as he grows up .

There are serious parts of life , but we also got to make some time to have fun . All right , those are your five things , plus the bonus . Let your kids catch you reading a book , not scrolling on your phone . Apologize , admit mistakes . Number three was speak kindly about people . Number four treat your wife with respect .

Number five ask for help , ask for support , let your kids see you doing it . And the sixth bonus one is have fun , and that's what I got for you guys today . So have a good one and I'll catch you next time .