094: 3G Model – Control Your Response When Your Wife is Stressed

up ? Episode number 94 . Got a topic today that is going to apply to anybody , men or women . But guys , I'm really talking about you because this comes up in a lot of my coaching sessions and it's how to respond when your wife is stressed .

I had a guy that I was working with that he was coming home from work and as he was getting to the front door of his house , he could hear the commotion inside and he could hear his wife elevated and he knew that she had had a tough week at work and he was hoping to come home to a chill , relaxed evening after a day of work .

And it just wasn't going to happen . Relaxed evening after a day of work , and it just wasn't going to happen . So our expectations are rarely met . Especially when we want to come home to a house with kids in it and we want it to be chill . That expectation usually doesn't happen .

And when our expectations aren't met , this is an opportunity for us to decide how we want to handle the situation . So these moments when your wife is snapping at the kids she's short with you , she's just stressed out you have a choice . You get to decide how you're going to respond .

And I want to give you this 3G model to take and start applying and you can think of it as a ladder

. So the three G model is ger mode guarded helper and grounded husband . So bottom of the ladder , ger mode , ger like an angry bear . Because when you're in ger mode and your wife's stressed , you snap back . You're tired of her negativity , you're thinking that she's overreacting and she should be doing things differently .

You try to fix her , you try to tell her how she should be looking at the situation , that she's overreacting and this is grr mode . Usually grr mode ends up in a full-blown argument . That calm , relaxed house that you were looking for is no longer an option .

And this grr mode when you're choosing to respond in grr mode , what's happening is you become dysregulated with her , and that word dysregulated simply means emotions are heightened , dysregulated that term comes from psychology , it comes from neuroscience , it has to do with our central nervous system .

So when our nervous system is regulated and everything's kind of flowing and moving thoughts in our brain are calm . They're slow , our emotions feel open . We're curious . That's regulated . And there is this thing called co-regulation , where one nervous system regulates with another person's nervous system .

So this is why , if your kid is freaking out because they scrape their knee and they're really upset and you stay steady and calm , you start to co-regulate with him . You can help your son or your daughter calm down when they're heightened because they're scared of this big scrape on their knee and the blood that's bleeding everywhere .

If you stay chill , they're more likely to calm down , not right away , but eventually . Your nervous system helps their nervous system regulate . If you have a baby , an infant that's crying and you're holding it , the more you can take some breaths and slow your heart rate down , the easier it'll be for that baby to get more calm and be able to go to sleep .

Co-regulation Now there's also co-dysregulation . So co-dysregulation is that when there is someone heightened , with a stressed out nervous system , you match theirs . So in grr mode , you're basically matching her stress with your own stress . It's the . I was in a great mood until you got home . It's the . I was in a great mood until you got home .

You brought your stress in here and now I'm stressed out , and this is super common . It's a subconscious thing that happens . Someone else is worried , someone else is nervous and their nervous system affects you Co-dysregulation .

So this happens a lot in relationships and what we want to do is we want to stay calm , we want to decide to work on our nervous system , regulate ourself so we can have that spacious house , that calmer house

. So GER mode , level one we want to move up . We want to move up the rung to level two guarded helper . So the guarded helper looks better from the outside . There's no arguing happening . The guarded helper is doing things around the house . His wife is stressed , arguing with the kids .

He's doing dishes , he's cleaning up , he's packing up lunches for the next day . Emotionally , the guarded helper is checked out . He's quiet , he's careful , he's walking on eggshells around his wife .

For me , when Brenda is stressed out , I'll go into the guarded helper realm and when I'm there , if she tries to engage with me , if she tries to bring some of that stress towards me , my guard goes up right away . And I'm doing it right now because I know it's almost like I put my hands up and I'm like whoa , you're overreacting right now .

Don't bring that shit over to me . I'm helping out , I'm doing what I can over here , but I do not want any of that craziness that you have . And the guarded helper means well . But everything I just said is not going to help your relationship with your wife .

Your wife is stressed out and you are so disconnecting when she tries to connect or tries to say something to you , thinking that she's crazy . Having those thoughts in your head does not help connection .

But before we dive into how to take it up to that next rung of being a grounded husband , I want to talk about how the guarded helper is an okay place to be .

Helper is an okay place to be Because if you're not grounded and open , knowing not to engage , being aware enough to know that if you do engage with your wife , you're not going to help her out at all because you're in a state where you can't be open and curious , this is guarded helper could be significant growth for you in your relationship .

So this is where my client was at when he got home and his wife was at the dinner table arguing with the kids about crumbs on the table . In his head he's like they're just crumbs , they're just kids , like chill out , don't argue with the kids about it .

If he went and decided to say those words out loud , that would be ger mode , that would be trying to fix how she's feeling . He didn't do that . He stayed disengaged .

He went and he helped out around the house , whatever that looked like , but he stayed emotionally checked out because at the end of the night , when the kids had gone down to bed , he walked into the bedroom and she was sitting on the bed and she was like what are you looking at ? And his first reaction was to put up his guard and he kind of turned away .

He was like nothing . I just walked into our bedroom and he went into the bathroom when we reflected on the whole scene . This is the moment walking into the bedroom , when everything's quieted down , that you could take it up to the top level of the model grounded husband . The grounded husband is ready to connect .

So we have , at the bottom rung , gurmaud , who's going to fix , who's going to try to argue and get his wife to change in the moment . The next is the guarded helper that is avoiding his wife like she's a crazy person . And then

we have the grounded husband who's curious , who's open doesn't have to necessarily connect in that moment that your wife's super stressed , but makes an attempt to move towards her , connect with her . So your wife is having a hard time , she's stressed out . It's not about the crumbs . There's something going on under the hood . He knows that work has been stressed .

When we're stressed out and dysregulated , it's not about work , it's not about the kids , it's about something subconsciously and they usually need to get something off their chest .

And a grounded husband can pause and be like hey , I notice like something's up right now and I want you to know that I'm here with you , I'm on your team and if you want to talk about what's going on , let me know . And that night at least , let's use this client as an example .

That night , when he walked into the bedroom and his wife said what are you looking at ? That's an opportunity to be that grounded husband and connect . Maybe you're that guarded helper most of the night , but here in bed , a little bit out of the moment , this is your opportunity to be the grounded husband .

So instead of turning and walking to the bathroom , we kind of brainstormed what could that have looked like ? He could say nothing . I'm just coming into the bedroom , like it seems like you've been having a rough day and I'm here for you , like what's going on ?

Maybe in that moment she's ready to be like , okay , take a breath , she lets her guard down a little bit and they have an awesome conversation . Maybe , maybe she's not , maybe she's still defensive and that's okay . So the grounded husband knows that , okay , she's not ready to talk right now .

I'm going to move on to the bathroom and maybe he checks in the next day . This is next level . This is the highest rung of the 3G model . It's the same thing with our kids . We're not going to be able to connect or teach our kids in the moment .

Right , if my daughter I've been doing this lately if she is freaking out and acting like an asshole , I'm not going to tell her how she should be acting in the moment when she's heightened and dysregulated . I'm going to follow up with her later .

I'm going to weather the storm while we're in the moment and try to co-regulate and be relaxed , and then later I'm going to check back in with her and I use Siri as a reminder . Hey , siri , remind me in four hours to talk about X , y , z , whatever it was . You can do the same thing with your wife .

Hey , siri , remind me tomorrow morning to shoot a text to my wife because she seemed a little stressed last night and just check in , let her know I'm there for her . That is going to help your wife feel supported , seen , heard , like that's the basis for some next level marriages .

And when you have that kind of relationship where your wife feels supported and then you feel supported by her , you can maximize the rest of your life . This is where we want to get to . We want to live in that grounded husband area as much as possible and you're not always going to be there , of course , but we want to move towards there . Why we don't ?

There's a lot of reasons why we don't , but one reason is connecting like this feels unproductive

, because we actually have to pause . We actually have to not be productive in the sense of checking things off of our to-do lists . We have to give some space for a conversation , for those emotions and that energy to move , and you'll notice there's an inner voice in you that knows when to connect with your wife .

But you'll hesitate and then you feel like , oh , I missed the moment , I'm not going to do it , too late . What you want to start doing is recognizing those moments where it is an opportunity to check in hey how you doing , and breathe into it Feels unproductive , shit . This is going to be a long conversation . I just want to go to bed .

Right now I don't have time for this conversation . I need my sleep . Sometimes some nights we have to allow that space . I mean , one of the guys that I'm working with .

I think there's something about late night conversations in bed when the house is quiet , when you're laying there you're in the dark , you're under covers , you know , maybe it moves into some sex . But the other kind of intimacy , the emotional intimacy , there's a feeling of safety at that time of night where you can

open up and have those conversations . Don't back away from them . Move towards them , because that's what makes our marriages better . And if our marriages are strong and tight , everything else in life we're just able to freaking .

Take it to the next level because we feel safe , supported at home , we feel like we're doing a good job as a husband and then we can crush it at work . It's a lot easier to move through life when our relationship is tight . Okay , so we got the 3G model of how we want to respond to our wife when she's stressed out , when she's having a hard time .

Level one the bottom rung of the ladder , grr mode . Want to move it up to level two , the guarded helper . Live at the guarded helper . Don't engage . Help out , support where you can and in those moments where you can be curious and open , step up to the grounded husband . That's when we go to level three .

Next level not going to be there all the time , but train for it . All right , just like everything else in life . What do you have to do to be that grounded husband more often ? Usually we had to live in uncertainty a little bit . We have to be okay with uncomfortable emotions , we have to give space , we have to ask questions , we have to listen .

How do you train to do that ? And if you're not sure , we can talk about that . But next time the room gets tense , just ask yourself what gear am I in ? Use this tool as a awareness tool . Where am I right now ? Which mode ? Where do I want to be ? Okay , that's what I got for you guys today .

I hope you have an awesome week and I will catch you next time .