077: Unwind with a Net Positive Impact

Today we are going to talk about ways to unwind without a negative consequence , as a dad being stressed and overwhelmed is going to happen .

It's a part of fatherhood and these times when we want to unwind , when we want to chill , when we want to just decompress , we all have our own ways of doing it , and what we want to focus on are ways that give us a net positive , not a net negative , and net negative pretty much means at the start of the activity , it feels good , you are getting those

endorphins up , the dopamine's hitting high , and then it leaves you in a deficit . It leaves your energy lower than when you started , and if you think of the different ways that you chill out , you can think of it as a quiver of arrows . You are an archer If you're a Marvel fan and you like Hawkeye .

He's the badass archer from the Marvel comics , the Marvel movies , and he's got this quiver of arrows that do all different types of things . They blow shit up , they have ropes attached to them , they shoot out really bright lights .

All these different arrows , they all have a different purpose and this is how you can think of these ways that we chill out , the ways that we unwind . They're all different arrows .

So we're going to think of the arrows that are in our quiver , that we use to unwind , that we use to just unplug , as having either a net negative or a net positive impact , and the things I see a lot of guys doing to relax but have a net negative impact .

This is like the end of the day , when you've been going , going , going and the kids are finally to sleep and you just want to chill and you just want to turn on Netflix and zone out for a little bit . Totally get this one . The evenings , and even before the kids go down , I just want to check out .

And once in a while , brenda and I will schedule nights where I go into Brenda's office with the laptop and watch a movie , right , we have dinner , and then I go and do that while she handles the kids for a night . It's planned ahead of time . We know we're going to do it . It's once in a while .

But if watching Netflix is just your go-to checkout method , you always pull that same arrow . It's probably not giving you the energy boost that you need . It's not giving your system that time to actually unplug , unwind . When we're unplugging and unwinding , we know we're really doing it .

When we're activating our parasympathetic nervous system , that part of our nervous system that is rest , digest , heal . That's the nervous system that we want . And just zoning out to a screen , you have the blue light from the screen . That's very activating on the eyes . It keeps the eyes awake . It keeps your different neurochemicals in an awake state .

It's tricking your body . It's not letting your body relax , not letting your body get ready for bed . So that's one arrow that can leave you depleted Phones , the scrolling , the social networks , the mindlessly just pulling your phone out and looking at it . Net negative consequence the attention that we're wasting on scrolling . That's draining our energy .

We think that , oh , I'm going to step out of the room and just scroll on Facebook for a little bit because I need a break and I want to chill out . We're actually not chilling out when we're on our phones . Another arrow with net negative are substances so drinking to take the edge off right .

It feels good , it relaxes you in the moment , but the net negative impact is that you don't sleep as well , you're a little more foggy in the morning , you don't wake up for your workouts . Right , these arrows that give us a net negative consequence ? We want to be aware of them so we know when to pull them and when not to pull them .

Right , if you're Saturday night out drinking with a few friends , totally might be the time that you want to pull out that arrow to hang out . But are you pulling out the drinking arrow on a Monday night when it's just you and the kids have gone to bed , or you just get off of work and you crack a beer to unplug a little bit ? Right , check ourself .

That's what this podcast is all about . Another one is weed . I mean , weed is probably the one that I've worked on and been more disciplined with in the last couple years . I just can remember this was within the last year , like six months ago that I had a gummy .

It was a Wednesday at five o'clock after the workday and a couple minutes later I was like why did I just have that ? I just ate it because I wanted to chill out , I wanted to decompress . But now I'm going to be hanging out with my family . I want to chill out , I want everyone to just be quiet and let me hang .

But that's not how it works being a dad , because , same thing as alcohol , like these substances alter our mind , alter our state of being and are we relying on them too much where we're not ourselves . After we take them , we really aren't our best self .

That's the negative impact when we've done the activity to unwind and then later we're not being our best self . It's not contributing to us being a better self man . And then another substance I'll throw on the list that I see a lot of guys turning to is sugar . Right .

Stopping in the middle of the workday when the pressure's high or you're kind of stressed and procrastinating and go and turn to a snack . We want to hang out with some ice cream to unplug in the evening and we end up not feeling great afterwards . It tastes delicious in our mouth . I've actually heard Joe Rogan call it mouth porn .

Right , it tastes good for a second and then afterwards you kind of just feel like shit . So porn is another one . Porn is another net negative arrow that we have . Gambling is another net negative . Your energy is just up , you're spiked , your cortisol is going , going , going . It's not really unplugging .

Those are the main net negative arrows that I see being pulled out when guys want to chill . So how about some arrows that leave us with a net positive ?

And that net positive is going to be feeling more energy or feeling well rested and you probably already know a lot of these , but I'm going to go through them Working out , exercising , getting the heart rate up . That's going to leave you with more energy . Getting a good night's sleep .

Not choosing the Netflix arrow and instead choosing the brush teeth early arrow . And we're dads . We can't always get to sleep super early . Nighttime at my house is crazy . We do not have that super structured sleep schedule , so I get that sleep isn't going to be eight plus hours a night with the same exact routine every night .

If you are at a place where maybe your kids are a little bit older and you do have that solid routine , heck yeah , I can't wait to get back there when the sleep arrow hasn't been pulled in a while .

You know , brenda and I will communicate and one of us will try to like get to bed early , even if that means going and sleeping in the guest bedroom , cold showers another net positive Walks . Not sitting , it's kind of like working out , but it's really just moving , it's just taking walks All these things that I'm listing here .

What I'll hear a lot of guys say is well , I don't have time for this stuff , but then we take the time to scroll on our phone or zone out to TV . These arrows that give us a net positive impact , they're not as easy to grab out of the quiver the ones that I listed before that have net negatives . They're usually like longer arrows . They're easy to grab .

These other ones , you got to reach a little bit further . If you want to start taking more walks , you're going to have to stand up from your desk and walk outside and move . It actually sounds pretty easy when I say it like that , but it's a lot easier to just stay at your desk and turn to your phone and start thumbing through on the phone .

Another way to unwind that will leave you with a net positive is hiring a coach or hiring a therapist , though that kind of support is always going to give you a net positive on your reflection , on your nervous system's ability to rest for a little bit and step away from the hustle and bustle and I'll just throw out some other arrows meditating , read a book

yoga For yoga . If you've never done it before or you haven't done it for a while , that's one of those activities . I hear a lot of guys say oh man , I used to do yoga , I need to get back into it . Or I've never tried it . But there's this yoga studio near me and I've always thought about going in . So my suggestion is to pull the yoga arrow .

Find a studio near you , book a class , talk to your wife , make sure it's at a time that's going to work for both of you , and go a few times . Being in nature is another one . I've talked about it on the podcast before .

Just sitting on a park bench and listening to the sounds and feeling the air and looking at the scene is a way to fill your cup up . And the last one I'll talk about are retreats day retreats , multiple day retreats and these are the opposite of party weekends , right ? Not a bunch of dudes getting together , drinking , smoking .

A retreat is a place where you're going to totally fill up , like these durable dad days that I host . It's , I don't know , four or five hours of time where you're going to learn some of these tools , right . You learn how to do some yoga , we learn about meditation and you get in nature , we take some walks , we move , right .

This is like taking a stream of net positive arrows and just firing them one by one like boom , boom , boom , boom , boom . Or if you're a really badass archer , like Hawkeye , you can like shoot four of them at the same time . That's what a retreat like the Durable Dad Day .

You can find different retreats online where you go and you unplug for an extended amount of time . And what these type of activities do is they switch you from your sympathetic nervous system right , that fight , flight , go , go , stressed nervous system to your parasympathetic nervous system rest , digest . That's where we want to spend some time .

We don't want to spend all our time there . We got to take action , we got to get shit done , but we get out of balance .

And when we're not ever in our parasympathetic nervous system and we don't pull the arrows that put us there , that's when we start getting really reactive to the people in our life and we're frustrated more often or we get into down modes where we're bummed . This one guy that I'm working with we were talking and he was just like I don't know .

I've just been feeling bummed the past couple of weeks , not really sure what's going on , just feeling burnt out . And my question was how's your self-care been ? And this is a guy that I know . We've been working together long enough that he works out , that he journals , that he prioritizes sleep .

And when I asked him this he's like I've totally fallen off my routines , which pretty much means that when he's had slices of time to chill out , to unwind and unplug , he hasn't been pulling out net positive arrows .

And we want to pull these net positive arrows out preemptively , before we're super stressed out , before we're overwhelmed with everything that's on our plate . That's why a morning routine is really helpful . Right , it's before the day starts .

We can do one or two small net positive activities to open up some space to calm down , to unwind a little , before the stress of the day comes on . And that's why we can have an evening routine , even if it's just winding down for five minutes , with , like I said before , five minutes of stretching or foam rolling .

I know a lot of guys have foam rollers , but don't use them . Get on that foam roller before bed . It activates your parasympathetic nervous system . It helps you sleep . This is our choice . All these arrows are on our back and we get to choose which ones we pull .

And when we start choosing net positive and you start feeling more calm and in control , you feel empowered and it's a freaking awesome feeling . You realize that you're in control of that . So when you are noticing that you've worked hard , you're ready for a break , you feel like you deserve a break . I just want to chill out . I just want to unwind .

Acknowledge what arrow you're going to pull . Make a conscious choice . The easy choice are the net negative arrows , and I know that if you just start testing out the net positive arrows , you'll start to feel more excited about them and you'll want more and more of them in your life .

So start small , move in the direction of net positive and have an awesome week . Catch you next time .