This is the Durable Dad podcast . I'm your host , tommy Geary . This show is going to give you the skills and tools you need to be a rock solid man for your work , your community and , most importantly , your family . Alright , what's up ? Episode number 55 . This has been one of those weeks where we are running a business from home and juggling kids schedules .
Tuesday was an in-service teacher day , so our oldest was home . The lady's house that watches our younger daughter . She's been sick , so now our younger daughter's been home the last two days .
This kind of feels like it's been our life for the last year and we're rolling with it a lot more smoothly and it can be frustrating , feel like I'm going too slow , could be going faster , and that's part of life .
I was actually listening to James Clear , atomic Habits author , on a podcast , a parenting podcast called Good Inside , which is an awesome podcast to check out . He was on there and he's the Atomic Habits guy Processes plans , his day has everything dialed .
He became a dad recently after he wrote the book and he said the biggest thing that he's had to learn is flexibility and being able to roll with changes in schedule . That's what we're doing this week .
I might have even mentioned this before on the podcast , but it is such a big thing as a dad to have a plan , know what you want to do and then , when that doesn't happen because daycares closed and schools are out , shift . Flow with the changes and adapt . That's where I'm at this week . I'm flowing , I'm adapting .
Hope you are doing well , whatever you got going on in life . Today what I want to talk about is this trend that I'm seeing in guys and it's the avoidance of conflict with their wife , not so much in the workplace although a lot of guys will avoid conflict in the workplace but more at home Men avoiding conflict with their wives .
That's what we're talking about today . Why do we avoid conflict and let issues fester and how to think about conflict differently . Maybe your wife says you're not a good communicator . You never tell me how you're feeling . I never know what you're thinking . You're quiet all the time . She's told you this a bunch . It's an ongoing conversation .
It comes up every few months . You talk about it , you work through it . Maybe the conversation is an argument about you not communicating and you agree , you're going to try to get better at it . Then , a few months down the road , your wife brings up the same issue .
In between those conversations about being a better communicator , expressing your thoughts , expressing your feelings , there are a bunch of other conversations that have been avoided , little things that tick us off , that we don't want to bring up in a conversation with our wife .
This could be something like how the dishwasher is loaded , it could be how the mail is sorted Little things like that , but it could also be big things . It could be parenting issues that you see , or it could be finances and the Amazon packages that keep showing up and spending left and right Things that are making us frustrated or irritating us .
We keep inside . We don't communicate them . Why ? Because men let these little things go unspoken . The main thing that I see is that men look at these conversations like they're a competition . They think this is going to be a conflict and I need to be right and I'm not going to be right .
If I'm not going to be right , I'm not going to bring up the issue . If I bring this issue up , the conversation is going to drag on , it's going to be emotionally draining and I'm just not going to bring it up . It's not worth it . It's not worth the fight . This has been a big growth area for me in the last four , five years .
Even on the regular I get defensive in conflict when Brent and I are having these kinds of conversations . On the flip side , brenda does not mind conflict . I don't know if your wife's like that . It's interesting to her . She likes to know how I'm feeling , she wants to know how I'm thinking and she wants to understand what's going on for me .
And she likes to talk about a difference of opinion . And that's what conflict is when two people disagree on something . And I honestly have a hard time believing she enjoys those conversations . It's not like she gets pumped up about it , but she enjoys it . She doesn't mind it .
And we'll be having a discussion , one of these conversations where we're not on the same page and I'll point something out that she hasn't thought of and she'll be like oh okay , I didn't think about that .
And on the flip side , if we're having one of those conversations and that happens to me , she points something out that I wasn't thinking about , I feel defeated and I have a hard time acknowledging that she's got a point and for some reason it feels personal , it feels like an attack .
I should have known , I should have been out ahead of that and I know this about myself . I can see my brain and my body and my defense coming up when we're in these types of conversations and knowing that just acknowledging that helps me open up a little bit . And that's what I want for you .
I want you to be able to approach these conversations knowing that you're going to feel defensive and like it's personal , but it's not really personal . So I'm going to go over four things that can help you have a healthy conflict in your marriage , and the first one is to stop looking at it like a competition .
As I'm trying to think of a metaphor to explain conflict , I was thinking about where I have fun in life and something that is a challenge , yet fun and a little lighter is hacky sacking , because that's something I do with some of my neighbor buddies .
We'll shoot a text out and , hey , you guys want to have a hack session , and I think everyone has their own hacky sack now , because one of my neighbors just gave me one and we'll go out there and we'll just tap the hacky sack around , pop it to each other listen , chat , laugh .
It's not aggressive and that's what we're looking for in conflict with our wife Less aggression , more lightness and when you are in these conversations that feel like conflict with your wife . There's no winner or lose . You don't have to get on the same page . You might not even end the conversation with the same opinion .
You can be on the same team and have different opinions , agree to disagree , walk away , talk about it later . Conflict doesn't have to be a competition . That's number one . It's probably the biggest thing for us to start Approaching these conversations instead of avoiding them , because that's the goal .
How do we start trying to Engage in these types of conversations ? Number one stop looking at like a competition . The second thing Don't take it personally . So your Competence , your abilities , your level of smartness , that's not what these conversations are about . But we get stuck thinking that our brain Really quickly goes to a personal attack on us .
Let's say your wife wants to talk about how you're parenting the kids and you've been yelling a lot , you've been flipping out a lot and she wants to talk about it . Our brain , to go into this conversation , can go very quickly to I'm a bad dad , I'm being attacked . That'll have us avoid the conversation . We won't want to be in that conversation .
If it's a talk about money and finances and budget , we might go straight to I'm not a good provider , I'm not providing enough for my family and take it personally . But that's not what these conversations are about . There are discussions on how to handle the kids , their discussions on how to Manage your money for the future . It's about getting better .
It's about growth and you're on the same team . Now just a quick side note if it does become a personal attack , if One of you are telling the other person that they're a shitty husband or a shitty wife or a shitty parent , that falls into the bucket of contempt . Thinking that you're better than the other person , that's a little bit deeper . That you know .
It's one of the four horsemen of a relationship . If you look at the Gottman Institute and not gonna dive into that , what I'm Talking about is when our brain is interpreting the start of a conversation as an attack . If your wife just wants to talk about something and right away You're feeling like it's an attack on you personally , all right .
The third part of having a healthy conflict is to speak your truth and to accept your partner's truth . This is all about connecting to each other . It's all about connecting to yourself . That's , that's what conflict can be . It can be an opportunity to connect , to get to know each other better . That's a reframe right there . Conflict isn't a competition .
Conflict is an opportunity to connect . Now the truth is Sometimes blind to us . You know , a few podcasts ago I put out the top lies that we tell ourselves . We do lie to ourselves and to uncover our truth , take some reflection , take some thinking . It's a lot of the work that I do with guys . Why did I flip out in this conversation ?
Why did I get so defensive ? Why did I yell at my kids the ? The truth is Kind of those first two points . The truth is I'm looking at this like a competition . I'm taking it personally . I'm feeling like this is attack on my worthiness and I am defending against it .
Whatever your truth is , having a healthy conflict with your partner is about expressing that , and we don't usually express it because we think it's just gonna ruffle feathers , it's just gonna stir the pot , and I just want to keep things calm . I want to keep things neutral and moving ahead . So we say whatever and we just keep moving .
But you have an opinion , you have something to say . A healthy conflict , you share it . You don't sweep it under the rug , and Speaking your truth can be really vulnerable , very uncomfortable , and I don't want to make this too extreme , but it is something new . We we haven't communicated like this for most of our life . We're gonna start doing something new .
It's always hard to do something new , so it's uncomfortable , and that's actually what it takes to be a strong husband . A strong father is opening up to that vulnerability . Now we want that vulnerability to be received in a safe way , and this is another part of having a healthy conflict . It's the fourth thing that I want to talk about . It's sticking around .
It's being in a conversation and both of you agreeing to respect each other , to be responsible for their own emotions and your own thoughts and stories . It's so you can feel safe with each other . This is keeping it light and not personal , not about winning and losing Not he said , she said . It's about understanding the other person .
There needs to be that safe environment where you both know you're sticking around For this conversation . We're in it together . We're going to stick around and it doesn't matter what I say or what you say . I'm not going to walk away . And human beings have this innate desire .
It's one of our strongest innate desires to attach , to want to be loved to want to be safe when we're really young . Being safe means being attached to someone that can take care of us , and it's the same thing in our relationship now . We want to feel like the other person isn't going to run away .
That's big in conflict being able to say , hey , I'm here , I'm not going anywhere . That's a big part of having a healthy conflict . So big takeaway If you're avoiding conflict in your marriage , I want you to think about it differently . I want you to think about it less as a competition , more as an opportunity to connect .
I don't want you to take what your partner says personally . I want you to know that you're in it together and this is a two-way street . Maybe you have your partner listen to this podcast , so conflict doesn't mean that something went wrong . It really is an opportunity to get closer . If this is landing with you guys , that durable duo workshop is coming up .
Get your wife on board , get a babysitter , get child coverage , schedule rides and take a couple hours to work on your marriage and having these healthy conflicts , healthy conversations , because I want you to thrive in your marriage . I want it to be the best part of your life . Okay , that's what I got for you guys .
Have an awesome week and I'll catch you next time .