040: Know What You're Aiming For as a Dad

It's the middle of Hanukkah right now and from my Jewish side my mom's side of the family is Jewish I wasn't Bar Mitzvah , but raised in a Jewish culture , a lot of my friends were Jewish . I went to Seder dinners at friends' houses , celebrated a lot of my friends' Bar Mitzvahs . So from that half of me well , from the other half too happy Hanukkah .

My other half is . My dad was raised Catholic and I was kind of a mutt . Not going to dive into spiritual and religious discussion today , I just wanted to say happy Hanukkah . There's a lot of unease in the Jewish community right now and I just want to wish everyone a safe and joyous celebration , whatever that looks like for you this year .

Okay , today we're going to talk about what it means to be a good dad and how . That is a very individual answer , and the greater scope of this is that whenever we're trying to achieve something , whether we want to be a good dad or we want more success in our career or we want to be a good manager or a good husband .

All those words I just said are very vague and they don't have a real tangible definition of what it means to be good at any of those things . And I think it's really important when we're striving to achieve that we have a clear vision of where we're going , and maybe it's not super clear , but it's least a direction to head .

And I'm framing it up around what is a good dad ? Because I was having this conversation with one of my clients and we were talking about his goals and he wants to be a good dad . So I asked him what that meant and he said he doesn't want his girls to be afraid of him .

He grew up in a household where he was afraid of his dad and he didn't want that for his girls and totally get that . I think a lot of dads are right there . Maybe you're there right now and just not being angry and super reactive is being a good dad for sure . And he was kind of already there .

We had been working together for a little bit on that and I was like so what else does a good dad mean when you do have your temper more in your control and there was some space . He didn't really have an answer and we talked about it .

We kind of brainstormed some ideas , but what I took from that was defining what a good dad is is really important , because then we can work towards it .

And with any goal that we're working towards or an expectation that we have for ourselves , if we're not clear on what success looks like , then we're never going to be good enough , because there isn't a good enough and a lot of guys think that they're not providing enough , not working hard enough and defining enough .

Defining what the goal is makes it tangible and it allows us to actually track it .

What we're going to try to define or at least I'm going to define for myself what is a good dad , because a lot of us will tell ourselves that we're not being a good dad , that we should be doing more , and it'd be helpful to have a clear picture of what it means to be a good dad .

Maybe you already do , and then you're able to track it , which is totally awesome . I would love to hear ideas that I miss , because I do think it's a question that the answer is going to be different throughout our lives . What I believe it means to be a good dad today probably won't be the same as I do in five years .

So some of the ideas I have been mulling over as defining what being a good dad means for myself the first one is kind of back to what I was talking to my client about . Was this not wanting your kids to be afraid of you ? And I'm in line with that . I don't want my girls to be afraid of me .

And then , as I think about it , is there a healthy fear that your kid should have of you ? And I'm laughing just thinking about that because it doesn't sound right , but this is what I'm thinking . If my girls are older and they're gonna sneak out of the house , I want my voice in the back of their head saying don't do it .

And them thinking dad will be upset , dad wouldn't approve of what we're doing , and have that be just a guardrail for them . They don't have to listen to that voice , but at least like a voice comes in and they know that dad's got some rules , dad's got some boundaries .

And whether that's fear or respect , I'm not sure , but what came up for me was that fear is one end of the spectrum and what's the other is the other end . They can walk all over you . I don't know . I don't have the answer right now , but that's what's rolling around in my head . Another idea is to do fun things with your kid .

That's what it means to be a good dad this one I put a lot of weight to . It doesn't have to be everybody's definition of a good dad , but I , for my definition , I say fun is a key component . I love laughing with my girls . I love being goofy with them .

I don't always have it in me too , but when I am , I know that we're making good connections and I feel like I'm being a good dad because our guards are let down and we're just having a good time .

Another one is tell them that you love them , letting them know you love them , and I think that we can say I love you when they go to bed , which is great and we can tell them I love them after . You know we yell at them and we're preparing . I think those are good spaces to say I love you .

And being a good dad , I think , could mean being able to pause in a moment , see your kid in whatever situation and remember how much you love them , how special they are , and let them know in those moments and kind of along the same lines , is telling your kid that you're proud to be their dad and I think there's a difference of saying I'm proud of you

versus I'm proud to be your dad , and that I'm proud of you possibly could put expectations on the kid , like oh , if I succeed or if I do a good deed , then you'll say you're proud of me , when that's not what we're actually trying to communicate .

What we're trying to communicate is whether you slip , whether you fall , like I am proud to be your dad , I love my job as a dad and I'm so happy that you're my kid . I guess would be the other translation . Those two things are important to me . When I sit down to think about what it means to be a good dad .

I don't do it all the time , but just going through this exercise , asking myself what it means to be a good dad , I get those reminders , I get the wisdom in my head that maybe I haven't looked at in a while by asking that good question . So it's a practice you can do .

It's not it's a conversation with your wife , it's a conversation with your buddy , just shooting ideas around of what it means to be a good dad

. Another one that I've been thinking about is a good dad puts their kids in uncomfortable situations that have the opportunity for growth . Pretty much setting your kids up to grow and try new things that are gonna be difficult , whether it's physically or emotionally , and I think we're pretty good at the physical .

As a dad , we will push our kids physically to play harder in sports or swim more in the pool or do more pull-ups or do more monkey bars whatever it is we can . We'll push them physically . Emotionally is the spot that I question Like , what does it mean to put your kid in an uncomfortable emotional spot and allow them to grow ?

And that one is tougher because what it means is you have to allow them to feel sad . You have to allow them to feel disappointed and bummed and not liked or whatever , an uncomfortable emotion , embarrassed . And being a good dad is allowing them to feel those uncomfortable emotions without trying to change them , without trying to come in and help .

And I'll give you an example . We put Nell in a race and she's five , and when we showed up to this race I was looking around and all the kids were older than her and I just saw her in her yellow shirt and her long hair and see her kind of getting the picture that everyone's older than her .

Everyone kind of looks like they know what they're doing and she doesn't . At least , that's what I'm telling myself in my head . That's what she's thinking . I just saw in her face something change . The excitement wasn't there anymore and then they took off .

The runners took off and everybody in front of her gone Like 20 , 30 yards in front of her within 10 seconds . And she was running hard . She had her arms straight , body tilted forward , head down and just moving her legs really fast . And I saw her turn the corner and I saw her slow down and all the runners were gone .

She was the only one still around and she started to slow down and she started to walk and I ran up to her . She didn't really see me yet but I could see the side of her face and how it was just balled up and really tight and looked like she was about to just burst into tears .

And she stops and I look at her and I say hey , and she looks at me and she starts crying and I go up to her and give her a hug and whatever it ended well , she ended up walking back across the finish line . Even when she didn't want to , she still had to persevere and get through .

And could I have let her experience that uncomfortable emotion by herself a little bit longer ? I don't know the right answer , I just think , like that's the emotional discomfort right when I saw her getting upset that she was alone on the course . That was too much for me . I couldn't let her feel whatever she was feeling that moment .

I had to protect her and it was an awesome hug and a really good experience . But a good dad puts their kids in uncomfortable situations as an opportunity to grow . Did I do that in this case ? I don't know . I guess time will tell whether that race event had a net positive or a net negative effect on Nell's life .

So I guess that just makes me think , like all of this , let's not take it too seriously . We're a dad . Going back to one of the ideas have more fun . Let's not take this thing too seriously . Let's just make this fun with a clear idea of what fun and success looks like .

So another idea what is a good dad's role in teaching kindness , respectfulness , thinking of other people . There's two fold . Here is how I'm breaking it down for myself . One is by example , leading by example and being kind and respectful of other people , of Brenda . When I'm at home , when I talk about other people , talk about them with respect and kindness .

If we're checking out at the grocery store and the cashier is there looking at her , smiling , engaging her and that's one side is the example . The other side is how do you teach them , what do you tell them to do about respect and kindness ?

And this is kind of just me thinking out loud right now Our kids learn more by our actions than they do with our words . I'm a big believer in that , and so teaching our kids to be kind and respectful through words , how powerful is that and what message are we really sending ?

So , for example , in teaching your kid to share , some parenting books would say have the kids work it out themselves . Don't tell your kid to share all the time , because then they're just learning that they're supposed to put someone else's needs before theirs .

I don't know if that's true and that's how it's really gonna work long term , but I question that because I also I don't want my daughter to be an asshole and not think of other people when someone's hurt or when someone needs some help . I want my daughter to reach her hand out for them .

So what's that balance of letting your kid learn respectfulness through you and through your actions versus telling them how to be respectful ? And if they try to make other people feel a certain way , will that lead to people pleasing in the rest of their life ?

And I don't want to sound dramatic about it , but that's what I think of when I'm considering what it means to be a good dad . Respectfulness and kindness is a top value of mine and I want to instill that . How do I do that ? Patience is another one . How do you teach your kids patience ? I think a good dad might have that responsibility .

We just went to a Cirque de Soleil show in Chicago and it was an awesome show .

And when we were sitting there , she was on the edge of her seat the whole time and then she was scooting back to the back of the seat and then standing up for a second and sitting down and they just thought , huh , we haven't put her in a lot of situations where she has to sit for a long period of time . We haven't brought her to the movie theaters .

Yet we're actually doing that for her sixth birthday in a couple weeks . We've been saving that one for a special birthday experience , so pretty pumped about that . But Nell really hasn't like gone to many church services where she has to sit for a whole hour or I don't know what other scenarios .

Kids would sit for long periods of time , but we don't put her there . So right now , currently , how do I instill patience ? That might be a role as being a good dad right now . That's probably not going to be a part of being a good dad when my daughters are 22 .

But there'll still be a question of what's a good dad , but the answers will be different than they are right now . So patience is one of them and some of the things I'm thinking about of how to instill some more patience . We used to do circle time before we went to sleep at night and we would meditate for two minutes and that was really awesome .

Not every night went very smooth , but we did it and we haven't done it for a couple years and I wonder if we brought something like that back , if that would help build the skill of patience for our daughters . Really , what patience is is self-control . Self-control meaning you have an urge to do something .

You have an urge to stand up and walk around when everyone else is sitting down watching the show . Manage that urge and stay in your seat . If you want five cookies at the party , be able to control yourself around those cookies .

And when we go back to words versus actions , my actions aren't very strong in self-control around cookies , so I have to work on that side of the coin for patience .

All right . So that was kind of two in one . A good dad helps instill patience and self-control into his kids and also models those two things well . That's a good dad . So those are some ideas of what it might mean to be a good dad , the ideas that I'm kicking around right now . So if you have other ideas , send them my way .

If you have like something that I totally forgot , I would love to hear it , because this is going to be a question that I'm going to start asking myself more often . And the big thing that I think will always be true is that a good dad hangs out with their kids .

When it's the just random time after work or at a party , you're there , you're present , you're not on your phone . It's the boring moments . Those small moments are the ones with the most joy , and a dad that can be there for some of those small moments , that's probably being a good dad , in my opinion . All right .

So ask yourself this question and let's remember the reason we're doing this is to detail , make tangible what good is , what being a good dad is . One guy I was talking to about his marriage .

He wanted an extraordinary marriage , and when I asked him what extraordinary meant , it took him a while to define it and when he finally did , he kind of laughed at the answers because his brain was telling him that extraordinary was big trips and dinners and fancy hotels . And when he said it out loud , he like laughed at himself .

He's like that's not what extraordinary means . It means communicating more or whatever . We have to define these expectations that we're putting on ourself . If you want to be a good dad , define what a good dad is and then start doing those things . Set him up , knock him down . That's what I got for you guys today .

Ask yourself that good question what does it mean to be a good dad ? Have a conversation with people about it and have an awesome week .