026: Are You Too Nice of a Guy?

I just got back from having coffee with Brenda , my wife , and we were sitting down celebrating the 25th episode of the show , so we just released 25 yesterday . This is 26 that I'm recording right now . We started in March and we've created 25 episodes Pretty awesome . So we took a second to celebrate .

Actually , brenda put it on my calendar and it was cool to just sit down and soak it in a little bit . So that's where I'm at right now . I'm feeling some pride , some accomplishment , some gratitude for you guys that are listening , and let's keep this thing rolling .

Today , the topic is the nice guy syndrome , and if you haven't heard of the nice guy syndrome before , it's this underlying desire to be known as a nice guy , as a good guy , and how that desire actually inhibits us from having really good relationships , inhibits us from being strong leaders , being strong , courageous , brave men .

There's a book called no More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover , and I really have to say Robert Glover's name slowly , because I've said Danny Glover a lot . Danny Glover , the amazing actor in Lethal Weapon and Angels in the Outfield and I'm sure , a bunch of other movies . I got a buddy Pat that's probably like , yeah , he's in this , this , this , this , this .

I don't know if he listens to the podcast , but Danny Glover , great actor . I could talk about him longer , but really we're talking about Robert Glover , the author of no More Mr Nice Guy . He really distilled what's going on here with the nice guy syndrome and if you look at the research out there , you'll see a reference to his book , to his work , a lot .

In this episode we're going to talk about how to spot a nice guy and nice guy behavior . We're going to talk about the pitfalls of being a nice guy and having nice guy syndrome and what to do about it . So how do you spot it ? Nice guy behavior is saying yes to things , doing favors , as a tactic to get people to think he's a good guy .

I'll hear this from guys a lot and I've been coaching guys for over three years and I probably learned about nice guy syndrome a year and a half ago . And when I learned about this , this tendency to want to be known as a good guy , but it's actually at the detriment of ourselves and at the detriment of our relationships .

It totally made sense to me , so many of the dudes that I work with , when we're talking about prioritizing and saying no to requests that work or not taking too much on at home .

Whenever we dial down to what they're worried about or what their concern is , if they say no is that I don't want to be looked at as a jerk , I don't want to be the jerk and sounds innocent enough .

But when we say yes to things because we don't want to be a jerk , what we're actually saying is we're saying yes , so you don't think I'm a jerk and you like me , so you will tell me that I'm doing a good job , or thank you very much .

Dr Glover calls these covert contracts , unspoken agreements , underlying agreements , that sometimes nice guys don't even recognize that they're doing them so it can look like if I help you , then you'll give me what I want , and usually that's approval or compliments .

The example at work a nice guy is going to help out a lot , he's going to pick up extra responsibilities , expecting some type of acknowledgement , and it's not a one-time thing . It's not this fire drill comes up , I'm going to pick this one and I'm hoping at the end of it you tell me I'm an awesome guy .

It's this overall desire and approval to hear from the team or the business that this guy helps out . This guy is a team player . He makes great contributions . We're looking for other people to fill our cup up . If we think about the podcast last week , external vs Internal Validation that's what's at the base of the Nice Guy Syndrome .

We're looking for external validation . Other ways to spot if you have Nice Guy tendencies is you avoid disapproval in social situations . You don't want to let people down because they might think less of you , or you're not being assertive . You're not creating boundaries or limits for your time and your priorities .

Again , another work example is if you're sitting in a meeting and it's supposed to end at the top of the hour and the top of the hour gets there and you had another meeting with a client or you were planning on going to get your work out in and you just let the meeting go over .

You just let it roll over and maybe inside you're building up some resentment that this meeting is supposed to stop . How can they carry on ? But you don't want to speak up because they might think you're a jerk . That's another way to spot it . You throw out empty compliments .

You're throwing out compliments just so you could get someone to say thanks , man , appreciate it . It's giving things , giving favors , giving words with a motive . It's actually kind of manipulative .

Instead of being brave or courageous , a Nice Guy is going to say and do things just to get good reactions , just to try to keep other people happy , and we hide who we really are . These covert contracts . What we're trying to get is other people's approval , but we're not telling them that . So those are a few ways to spot the Nice Guy syndrome .

The covert contracts . Not being assertive , trying to avoid conflict , avoid disapproval those are tendencies of a Nice Guy . Where do these behaviors come from ? So many of our behaviors and patterns now , these Nice Guy tendencies come from our childhood .

I'm not going to dive too deep into this because really what I want to address today is how to spot it and why we want to address it . But it starts from when we are small and very dependent on our parents or our caregivers . And when we're dependent , we want to attach , we want to be accepted and depending . Everyone has different childhood experiences .

So if this Nice Guy thing isn't landing with you , maybe your childhood experience is something different . But this Nice Guy syndrome is one way that kids attach and that kids seek approval from their parents or whoever raised them . And that equation is if I toe the line and if I am a good boy , then I'll get love .

If I don't get angry , then I'll get love . If I share , if I make sure I don't hurt other people's feelings , then I'll be accepted . Then I won't get in trouble , then I'll be loved . That is where it really stems from . So we've talked about how to spot it , where it comes from . And now why do we want to address it ?

Having nice guy tendencies can really damage our marriages . If a nice guy is doing things for his wife , expecting something in return and not communicating it , a lot of underlying resentment can be built up and the nice guy might say stuff like I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do , I'm not a jerk , I do all these favors . Why isn't she happy ?

Why can't we have sex more ? Why can't she tell me that I'm doing a good job and this ? He can vocalize this to other people , to his buddies . He can have this internal dialogue in his head , but what's really going on here is that he's created this codependent relationship .

I'm doing everything I'm supposed to to make you happy now you make me happy and we're not taking responsibility for our own happiness . We're not filling up our own cup . We're expecting someone else to tell us how good we are and to look for love outside of ourselves , and the pendulum has just swung too far .

Of course we want love from our wives , but if we're covertly trying to earn and win her love and then when she doesn't get it and she doesn't understand it and we're pissed off about it , that's not a good recipe for a solid relationship . So we need to communicate more , and a nice guy usually doesn't communicate well with his needs .

He doesn't speak about what he actually needs , he just tries to get it without saying that he wants it .

Another reason we want to address it is that being a nice guy stops us from being a leader in our careers , being a leader in our businesses , because we're going to avoid those difficult conversations , because we're worried that we'll hurt other people's feelings or they'll think that we're a jerk or we're a bad boss .

And I say we because I've been there before those hard conversations . I've wanted to avoid them and I let that person do their job not in the way that they're supposed to , or is not as good as I think they can do , and never have the conversation about it . A nice guy also is gonna say yes too much . He's not gonna prioritize his time .

So men with nice guy syndrome don't live up to their full potential because they don't prioritize their values , their desires , and they give all their energy out . They empty their cup , expecting for people in their lives to fill their cup up , and they don't fill it up themselves . So what do we do about it ? First , we just notice it .

Notice your thoughts , notice your covert contracts . When you do favors , when you give compliments and they're empty , right , you're doing this favor because you're expecting something in return . Just notice that . Notice that in yourselves , be honest with yourself and then start to be overt in your relationships . We all want something out of our relationships .

Anytime we're engaging in a relationship with somebody , we are desiring something . So talk about it . Give , keep giving , keep giving in your relationship and also acknowledge what you want and , whether you talk about it or not , just know that . That's there .

You're not just the nicest person in the world that's always giving you want something back and , if it's love , tell your wife that , hey , I'm planning on getting the house as clean as possible because later tonight the kids are out of the house and I'm hoping that we can hang out in the bedroom .

That's a man that knows what he wants and is going to communicate it . I was just working with a guy a couple weeks ago and he has this nice guy tendency to not want to let people down . He doesn't want to disappoint other people and it sounds valiant . It sounds like a good intention to have .

However , what he was hiding underneath was this guy that wanted to go out and play golf , and it's these little things that add up With this nice guy syndrome . What I'm learning and starting to understand and hopefully I'm communicating is that it's not just about one individual moment here wanting to play golf for this one week there .

It's a pattern and a behavior that's been around for a long time and over the course of our relationship at home , it's damaging it . Over the course of being a leader in our corporate career , it's not allowing us to be courageous and brave and make bold decisions . So those are a few things to start doing . Notice the tendencies to be a nice guy .

Be overt in your relationships . Communicate what you actually want . Be a little selfish . Take time for yourself to work out , to get your body into better shape . Take time to learn something new , even if you feel guilty or uncomfortable doing it , and Dr Glover calls this becoming a fully integrated man .

So when you become a fully integrated man , you're going to know it because you don't avoid those tough conversations . You're going to admit that they're hard , that they're uncomfortable , but you don't let things linger . You still step up and you have the difficult conversation , even if you're going to mess it up .

And an integrated man honors and lives in alignment with his values , even if he has to say no sometimes to friends and family . And when you become fully integrated you have this extra swagger or confidence . You know you walk into a room and your kids and your wife and other men , they feel it .

And to get there it's just little things , just like the nice guy syndrome is little decisions , little covert contracts that bring us down and damage our relationships .

Becoming a fully integrated man are little steps in the opposite direction , little steps in prioritizing things that are important to you , new things that feel a little scary , feel a little uncomfortable , getting to be an integrated man . You follow that path of discomfort . You follow that path of scared , fear , pain , and you don't let that stop you .

And on the other side , you become more confident . You don't seek other people's approval . You know inside that you're full . You're whole just like that internal validation . That's what a fully integrated man is . He knows who he is and he's totally okay with it .

So go throughout your day , notice if you have these nice guy tendencies and if you do , seek out resources to try to change them and become the man that is inside of you . That's already there and you just have to unlock them . Alright , guys , have an awesome week .