so I'd like to start this episode with a moment of honesty not that I'm not always honest when I'm on the episode but I figured why not start it with that statement sounds really good anyway um I'm having a [ __ ] rough morning I'm just kind of frustrated oh a little pissed off a little tense um you know it's so funny how it can start with like one thing in one part of your life and then something else in another part of your life and then something else in another part of your life and just one
thing after another it you just you just don't accept it you're just like but you get you get agitated start get a little pissed off and for me when that happens I tend to get a little bit more um I I guess I go internal I I I get very quiet and I start to really just kind of let things spin inside um but what's funny about it is that at one point that used to just [ __ ] take over my morning like I'd be just [ __ ] I wouldn't be enjoying my coffee I wouldn't be enjoying the walk I wouldn't
be enjoying anything but in that state I'd be thinking about all the [ __ ] that I'm kind of frustrated about so there's an element of self-reflection that happens during the course of being frustrated and pissed off off about everything see that's the funny thing it's not being frustrated and pissed off about any one thing it's just allowing yourself to get to a state of being frustrated and pissed off because then it spills over into everything you kind of think about
everything that secretly you've been like n it's all right yeah it's okay the way it is I G let it be and all of a sudden you're like you [ __ ] that [ __ ] and you have a totally different reaction to it because you're tense frankly you're you're tense and you're frustrated and so there's an element of self-reflection there but you miss that if you're just determined to find something to blame your anger on you miss that if you try to find something you go this is why I'm frustrated and
once this is fixed then it's all going to be better and and all that but if you can catch yourself if you can just stop and go all right I'm just pissed off right now and that's skewing everything I do like there might be an ounce of truth behind the things that I'm thinking there might be some things that have been not sitting well with me right but in a minor in a minor way I know my anger is amplifying it I know my anger is magnifying it making it bigger making it seem
bigger than it is because I'm imitated you know in the same way that when you're like hot and uncomfortable every little touch every little thing just you're just kind of like bothers you you know and that's it is to recognize that when you're agitated just recognize you're agitated at least then you're like all right I'm making it worse than it is and if you can just admit that it's not like the problems go away it's not like the perceptions or the things that you're
looking at go away but at least the reaction to them subsides at least your immediate knee-jerk response to them is now questionable rather than apparently rational because it's never really rational you're just agitated so it seems to make sense because it alleviates your agitation or at least it seems to right and so that's kind of the point is just recognize it recognize it recognize all the little things that you are acknowledging agitate you and then calm
down calm down and then address them address them that's the nice thing about that it's not that there was a wasted time there it's not that you are doing something wrong by experiencing anger and frustration but once you exercise that anger and frustration once you act on it without calming down first then you're going to create chaos for yourself you're going to miss the lessons entirely and now you're going to have something totally new to learn about anger itself about frustration itself so
you can shortcut all that and learn learn that lesson right now it's happening when it's happening you are accountable for it and it skews everything that you do just calm down calm down learn from the experience and then when you're calm make changes in your day-to-day life as the things that were agitating you pop up let's say it's something about work or something about a relationship and in that moment of frustration you're like you know what I'm tired of taking that person [ __ ] or
you know what I am tired of my C being in that side of the room like whatever it might be okay and so when you're calm next time it comes up and you're like you know I'd actually really prefer for that to not be the case and you can say it calmly you can open the conversation in a way where you're not like you know what I'm [ __ ] sick me you can and you can you can really just calm it down and actually have an influence in your life and to make all of that frustration and
anger worthwhile without it being the driving for force of Your Action it can inform your action and it can inform empathy because you can recognize what a lot of other people are going through it's almost like you can take all of the because it's a lot of energy right like anger is there's a lot of energy in anger and frustration and you can almost like I don't know filter it and understand there's only one like one thing you can do at a time and as much as it can inform Act actions like doing
things while you're in those intense emotions like Ang angry frustrated you know worried afraid you know the ex more extreme things as opposed to I don't know a little bit more balanced a little bit more calm there's going to be different reactions to things there's going to be you can almost expand you know the the chaos make it make it worse or understand understand that like you're you're the root of it you're you're in the middle of it and I had a morning a couple days
ago that just got overwhelmed with a lot of just a lot of different things going on I mean that's can be a consistent in some ways like just the swells of things that that can hit you all at once and all of a sudden it's like you you notice a number of things in your life and you're like oh my God all of these all of these things are going on right now all of these things are happening right now but there's still only one thing you can do in response to them at a time and you
know especially when it's you know understanding that it they don't mean they don't mean something about you but they're still on you you know they're still a lot of times things that happen because of the way that you've been been approaching things because of what you've been focusing on and so there's a there's a fundamental shift that can happen you know where it's you understand that it doesn't mean something about you like with you know money for example if you start to you
realize and you start panicking like oh got to make more money have more money whatever it is and understanding that it doesn't like how much you have doesn't mean something about you can at least clarify you know what you can do right now because it's still as much as you can have these massive swells and all these things going on in your life at once like the moment that you're in is still the moment that you're in like it's it's still one thing but taking a
good look at at your response to things is vital and I think that side of responsibility where it's like oh these are all of these things it's not my it's not it's not like a a fault thing but like there's a side of it that it can be you know there are certain things that can be that and like well being responsible doesn't mean beating yourself up you know and I think you know yourself up is if you're talk responsibility and if you're talking about fault you're you're metaphorically
beating someone up when you don't need to you know like we are we are being being responsible is you know uh paying attention it's it's developing sensitivity it is you know creating space where maybe there's currently tension and when we're acknowledging the moments the mornings where we're like you know what I am just not loving what's happening right now you that's how I've been describing it to myself it's like because I because I used to say I I I hate this I don't like this
and now I'm just like you know you know I'm really not loving this but you know it's what's happening you know and and I think I'm phrasing it in that way because I'm not trying to turn the moment into the enemy I'm not trying to turn myself into the enemy I'm not trying to turn other people in this in this moment into the enemy because there is no war to fight there is no enemy to slay you know there is attention and there is attention and they sound like that I
almost said the same word but I didn't say attention I said attention but we think you know that we're trying to you know by beating ourselves up that that's that that's you know a part of taking accountability and I used to think the same but it it it's not needed you know you're you're not changing the past by telling yourself right now that you're a piece of [ __ ] you're not changing the future by telling yourself right now that you're doing something wrong you
know those things aren't actually changing anything but it certainly can feel like it's necessary you know but it's it's really not there's also the implication with the word fault that you could have done it differently like it it was almost a lapse in judgment as opposed to wherever you were at the time in your life and that's hard because accountability and fault are very different accountability is recognizing that you made that Ripple fault is thinking that if you were a better person you
wouldn't have and unfortunately that person doesn't exist it's another one of those fictions like the idea of you that could have made that different decision in that moment is a fiction right it's a fiction it didn't happen and so you have to just recognize well [ __ ] that's what happened you know that's what I did not that's what I did because but that's what I did and then move on and you can still feel you know what people will call guilt I would like to look at those
emotions and remove the label and then just look at the experience it as it's happening like when you feel guilt what you're really doing is you're just going through a bunch of [ __ ] where you just really recognize the impact like that's what it is you're like oh [ __ ] and you recognize what it would have felt like for you but then instead of actually just feeling that and going through the thoughts that go with that we go I'm a piece of [ __ ] and it immediately swings
our direction right back to us all of a sudden our Focus went from the learning from the from our impact to I'm a piece of [ __ ] and it's like a defense mechanism it's like a way of holding off the lesson because it hurts we don't like it like this is why in discover Transcendence I talk about cognitive dissonance right because that discomfort at oh I I've really [ __ ] I've really [ __ ] the bed you know no no I'm a piece of [ __ ] I'm a piece of [ __ ] I can deal with that
I can just beat myself up now all of a sudden it's it's you're not looking at it at all you know and it really is just important to just [ __ ] feel it you know in the same way I was saying at the beginning of this just feel your frustration you know just feel whatever it is you're feeling and stop making it about you because the making it about you or the rather making it into a narrative about a fictional you is a way of escaping the feeling and the thoughts that go with
it because that's informative but if you make it about you now all of a sudden you have a whole other spectrum of [ __ ] to deal with now you're the problem you know now there's a whole emotional roller coaster that goes with trying to fix the problem with trying to fix you right with judging you and all of that instead of just sitting through it and and maybe crying you know maybe just sitting there and just [ __ ] you know like there's and and even that like within
reason I I think to a degree like you know it's funny when uh when Celeste when my daughter was younger there was uh this parent group and they were advocating for um like pillow screaming they'd be like you know when your child's just throwing a tantum just you know tell them to take the pillow and scream into it for as loud like as loud as they can let them get that emotion out and and my whole thing was and what is that teaching them like what what is that teaching
them like if you want to scream [ __ ] scream out loud you know if that if you're really GNA give in to the urge to make this into a full-bodied scream scream out loud you know accept the impact it's going to have and then watch as people go what the [ __ ] was that all about you know like deal with it you like just just deal with it and Ure doing so you're going to recognize that other people aren't screaming about their [ __ ] but if you hide in your room and scream in your pillow you're going
to start convincing yourself everyone's doing that or that they should or that they need to and all of a sudden there comes this whole [ __ ] story you know about you needing a scream in a pillow so you can feel better right and it's all about you it's Insidious because it's well-intentioned that is the issue with the idea of us is that we gen genely thinking it's going to help we think we're helping we think we're helping ourselves and the World by thinking about ourselves and trying to
make ourselves better instead of actually paying attention to the experience we're having we think we're helping and it's uncomfortable for us to recognize that we're not it's uncomfortable for us to recognize that what we're feeling right now is actually the best thing that we could be doing for ourselves is to just feel it and move on with your life what needs to happen next you know maybe you're like well well nothing good sit enjoy the episode you know maybe maybe you're like well [ __ ]
actually I'm running a bit late I shouldn't be listening to this episode right now all right so stop you know and that's okay because there's nothing you truly have to do you know if you're a little frustrated about having to stop the episode feel frustrated about it because you're pointing out your attachments right like that's the whole point like everything about the experience you're having is informative if you just realized how much it's teaching you about the story you tell
yourself that's really it because that's it like it's informing you about the story you have attached to that's that's what your emotions are doing you know and if you can recognize that well then you can start to recognize where it's worth it sometimes or it's not you know like I'll give you an example and then I'll stop rambling um as a parent as your child grows and develops they go through a lot of different things they go through a lot of different perceptions of themselves they
go through a lot of different emotions and as such they're not always sensitive to other people sometimes they can be just straight up mean without knowing that they're being mean it's a necessary part of what they're going through but as a parent it hurts right there there's a part of it that you're just like ouch and then there's the immediate temptation to make it about you and that is the biggest danger in being a parent is to go oh obviously that means I'm a bad parent
I'm a bad person I'm not teaching them right I'm not blah blah blah blah blah blah and measuring yourself up to anything just straight up measuring yourself up instead of just going right they're learning and then do the same yourself learn from that hurt you know because the hurt often comes from needing or needing to see Parenthood a certain way we really do want to oversimplify things you know it's like oh being a parent just means being there for my kid it's like yeah
what does that mean because that's an infinite [ __ ] Spectrum sometimes being there for your kid means not giving them what they want sometimes it means helping them accomplish their dreams you know so there's no so there's no simple answer there's no simple anything you really just have to feel out life one moment at a time and trust in yourself absolutely and I think yeah sometimes I'll go back in forth with you know as you notice things that you've done you know in the past and not beating
yourself up looking at them feeling you know that the emotions that go with those things and you know the balance between looking at it for what it is and assuming that it's something that you have to hold on to as opposed to learn from and notice when you know maybe there's things you've done in the past that were empathetic expressions and then certain things that weren't very empathetic expressions and so learning from them as opposed to attaching to them or allowing those
experiences to solidify you in a certain way and like finding that sort of balance between things you know between experiences that you've gone through and not assuming that it's like then something you have [Music] to attach to in a specific way I guess or like assume that it makes you now that person you know that acts that way that isn't as empathetic and so that balance of learning from things and recognizing like what informed certain actions versus letting go of holding on to those
things and assuming that you have to you know carry that with you like looking at where it came from and then letting go of the feeling of need like it's a it's now a new thing that you have to hold on to and like letting it you know letting that go too because you know having certain stories about yourself or or attaching to past actions feel like can be just as detrimental as assuming that you know you're something you're you've ever been something specific but I think that's a part
of that's a part of the fluidity of things that I don't know can can feel tough to navigate sometimes but it's still like I don't know it's still something that you just have to reconcile within yourself like there's still no one to look to or right answer or like someone else to tell you what to do ever it's like it's always on you being honest with yourself and allowing certain actions to inform future actions you know without so much self judgment because again that doesn't
doesn't do anything it just kind of keeps you spinning or it's like the rocking chair does something and goes nowhere I just want to add before before I pass it to Amanda apologies because I know you're going with something there the most honest thing that you you could say in all of what you just said was it's tough to navigate that it's actually it's it's a [ __ ] complex experience and that you should never make it overly simple because that's the danger you don't need to know you you
don't need to have that false certainty and as much as it feels like you need to have an answer answer as to like what is the right thing it's like regardless of what you choose you're going to have an impact on people and sometimes it's going to look it's going to appear like that impact is positive and sometimes it's going to appear like that impact is negative but it's it's a combination it's both in neither you know like when we're feeling frustrated it's like yes maybe maybe
someone is not being considered of of of you to some degree but it's also you're bothered about something that may not matter and both of those things could be just as likely and both are probably true and so it is very much a both and neither you know we're we're thinking you know I I I need to know it's like you haven't known this whole time and yet I have had some of the most amazing experiences and I've had some experiences that like I really didn't love but there is some there is an
appreciation for those moments moments where I was crying on the floor and feeling entirely alone and feeling like there was nothing there was there was no point you know feeling so confused so frustrated and and yet I appreciate those moments so much you know not so much during but very much so after you know because it's just it's adding to the depth and we're talking about like over complicating things or oversimplifying things and it's like to some degree existence is
very simple it is here it is happening that's about as simple as I can get you know if in terms of just like what is we complicate things because we think that you know it couldn't be that simple it couldn't just be things are happening and uh that's about it you know feel them happening pay attention right you know like things are happening pay attention like it really is on on one level it is that simple and on another level it feels like you are bouncing between different
roles but you're not those roles you know you're not just those roles you know you're not just the parent you're not just the kid you're not just the friend you're you know and and we say just and it's like what is that even you know it's like that's a whole other side conversation but it's just the role is there and there's more than just the role the space around the world there's more than just that there's there's so much more and and something that you
know seems to be a lesson you know is is is that for me that's a one of the big lessons that I feel like I'm learning right now is that there's so much more than I think there's so much more than it appears there's so much more than I am expecting you know and I can keep going and and there and there's so much more to the experience of me there's so much more and yet we we zoom in on one small assumption and we were talking about um you know just uh how we'll how
we'll how we're going to think about what was it it was like we were jumping to something and it's like you you you make an assumption and we have our attention or I think it was being a accountable and having faults and fault is based on that assumption and the holding yourself accountable or being accountable is is accepting that you're not always going to love the choices that you make you're not always going to pay attention to every consideration you're not always
going to know what consideration to make but you're you're accountable for the fact that you're going to be you're you're doing the best that you can and you accept that the best that you can is not always going to agree with your opinion of what the best is but The Faults and the beating ourselves up and all of that is all just based on the assumption that you that you can know that there is some kind of guarantee that there is control but it just doesn't seem like
you would want to fault yourself or fault anyone else because truly we are doing our best and you know that is just a that's just included in in all that's happening yeah you know it's interesting because there's a feeling that goes with what we're saying as you were saying earlier you know it seems rather simple just just feel what happening you know pay attention and then on the other hand I've talked about enthusiasm previously and I've said you know it's it's very
much about being willing to be a participant in what's happening there's a willingness to just shed that that that I guess cloak of assumption and identity to just shed all of that thought and just go [ __ ] it I'm here I'm going to pay attention to what's happening and what's next the Assumption safety blanket you know you you just let it all go it very much is just like kind of rising from a from a swamp that you've been sitting in because it felt warm and
comfortable and you just get out of it and now you've got the opportunity to [ __ ] live life but there there's a choice that goes with that and the choice is frankly to just get over your [ __ ] it really is to get over your [ __ ] which is not to solve anything it's to stop taking yourself so goddamn serious seriously stop taking yourself so godamn seriously I mean it may sound difficult but that's because you're taking yourself seriously you see that's the whole thing
you're like well I can't just I can't just stop taking I have I have trauma you know I have [ __ ] it's like yeah you do but you don't need to make that sound like it's the [ __ ] curse of your life you're not doomed you don't need to perceive it as being something that's stronger than you M and even if you're looking at it well I'm stronger than it but it's a battle you can take that weight away you really can by acknowledging that the story you tell yourself about
anything other than the experience you're having right now even the story you tell yourself about what your experience you're having right now isn't life you know life is what's happening now and if you deal with that if you suffer from trauma and I say this as somebody who does you know all the time like I'm hyp sensitive to everything to touch to conversations to sound to everything and and it just comes down to feeling that being accountable for it recognizing that it has Deep Roots sure
but that I'm stronger than them and it's not an immediate Silver Bullet but over years of practice eventually you just stop rising to the fear because you allow yourself to recognize and feel the fear you allow yourself to even recognize where some of the fear comes from and it's not ever one thing be careful not to ever settle on one thing because you'll realize as you get older it's a lot of things including just fear itself right allow yourself time stop trying to get somewhere just be the
change that you are because in that change is growth in the experience you're having now is growth you know and I always find that fascinating because so my daughter is learning to drive and so recently I introduced her to the television show which is no longer on anymore but you can find it online uh Canada's worst driver now if you haven't watched this show I highly encourage you to go and check it out shout out to Andrew Young husband who's the dopest MC
and host of the show anyway the point is Canada's worst driver selects a number of people who have been nominated by their friends and family members as the worst drivers in all of Canada and runs them through I think it's like eight weeks or something of driver training and in each week selects the person who's done the best to leave the show and then they narrow it down almost without exception every everyone's issue in driving is that they're not paying attention like where they're not just
being an ass on the road like or or they're they're overly hesitant because they lack confidence but it's always thinking about themselves instead of thinking about the driving you know one lesson that is repeatedly mentioned to people is look farther down the road you know take in more of your environment you know stop stop being so afraid because there's an attitude that comes to D with driving right what that attitude I can handle this I'm going to pay attention to what the [ __ ] is
happening I'm going to be responsible as I'm doing it I'm not going to go and and overextend my attention by starting to do my nails or eat something while I'm driving uh because that would be a cost to my attention so we know that when it comes to driving we understand that there is an ideal mentality where you are the safest and most effective driver that you can be when you're not taking yourself too serious iously but you're paying attention to what you're doing
right when you're taking yourself seriously enough that you are being responsible for everything that you do on the road but you don't assume nobody else is there and making choices on their own right you're aware of everybody influencing everyone else right that's life Welcome to driving the vehicle of your body that really is it because it's just attention pay attention you know and what you'll find is nothing has to be within your control but you can still go
in a direction that doesn't mean you can that the road is going to be what you imagine it will be could you imagine that you leave your house you're like all right I'm GNA drive here you come you go down the road there's a detour so you just get pissed off you just pull over and start throwing a [ __ ] fit or you start crying oh my God the road's not going where I wanted it to and they're directing me and I don't have any choice and like there's all kinds of
stuff where you could just just just see where it goes pay attention you know and that's it just stop thinking that the life has to be what you think it is stop thinking you have to be what you think you are and just pay attention moment to moment yeah and there there can feel like a lot of things that can can distract you and like thoughts thoughts about yourself and that's a big one you know identity that cloak that weight can feel like you know when there are
detours like you start thinking about yourself then it's going to be a lot tougher it's like no that doesn't align with how you see yourself or how you want to see yourself and then it's going to be tougher to just be like oh like a detour isn't really a detour it's just a different shaped Road it's not like you know it's not the road that was existing a detour is just a shift in in Direction in change and like getting frustrated about that change doesn't actually help with the change or the
turn or the shift and so it's just like how fluid are you going to be with your experience and paying attention like as simple as it sounds it's like paying attention to the moment there can be yeah can feel like there's a lot in the way of that or like a lot distracting you and a lot of that is you know what you how you think about yourself The Narrative you tell yourself informing you too for sure right that that's kind of the point like like I'll go through I don't know a dozen different
scenarios about you know [ __ ] that could be happening in my life or things that that I have done that may have impacted people differently the reality is that I don't know any of them but even going through I'll just create a hypothetical right so we recently went and hung out actually this isn't even hypothetical this is perfect okay so we we recently went and hung out with a bunch of people here in town and they were having a conversation about someone who had passed on
and I had had made a joke based on that person's previous employment that didn't ring and somebody went you know well that would be really rude and and the joke didn't come across now I could have you know went out of my way over the days after that to go [ __ ] I should go apologize to that person despite again they didn't know this person they were talking about somebody in the sports world that was not a personal friend or anything like that but I didn't know that at the time right
and so I went through I don't know like a half dozen different things like [ __ ] you know maybe maybe these people are kind of pissed at me now maybe I've come across like kind of douche and so instead of going and obviously that's what happened obviously that's the case I went through it I kind of felt like a heel and then went I don't know so I'll log this in in the back it's now a consideration because it's crossed my mind and so the very next time I went and hung out there that
person came up again and so at this time I asked do you know this person and they're like well no not personally and I'm like ah okay well you know like because at that point it's like even if I I did say something that may have come across as insensitive it wasn't too close to home you know it wasn't like a relative it wasn't somebody like so immediately I'm like all right fair so it's kind of okay if it did come across this kind of a dickish comment like it
wasn't meant to be again I thought it was damn funny right but even even in if if it were to be looked at as insensitive that's something I'd be like yeah I can explain that you want to talk about it you know but it's because I went through the thought process of a [ __ ] maybe I did say something [ __ ] worse maybe I did have that impact that I suddenly had a new appreciation for everybody who was involved as a human being with feelings with feelings even if those
feelings weren't weren't actually in reality even if they weren't feeling that way all of a sudden I've acknowledged that these people have more depth than the simplistic [ __ ] view of them that I I have yeah right all of a sudden I acknowledge they could be pissed off or they could be sad or they could be [ __ ] you know resentful or they could be [ __ ] happy or they could be any of those things all of the thoughts I have about people and how they could possibly perceive me are
informing me that these are [ __ ] people it's informing me that I don't know but that they all of these considerations are worthy of Merit they're worthy of of taking in because it teaches you to tread softly it teaches you to actually pay attention and not get caught up in things because any of these things could be happening in real time and although I thought about it after the fact I could have been thinking about it as it came out of my mouth and that's not to say I should
have but now I've changed now my actions are going to be different going forward maybe next time I'll say is this someone we personally know before I make a joke right and that's not to say I've done something wrong but I can see how that would lead to a different kind of Ripple I could see for me and everybody else see so it's not about not having the thoughts I think that that's the danger is that you know we suffer so much through the thoughts that we start
to think that the shangra law of all of this is to get out of the thoughts rather than to use them to actually be informed by them to not limit ourselves to certain thoughts to open ourselves up to every thought and to do so without Judgment of the thought or without being in danger that those thoughts are real because they're all just perceptions and assumptions until something happens see it wasn't until I actually got back to the conversation where I could ask do
you know that person and I knew I'd never answer what happened until I got there so I wasn't torturing myself about it I'm like well when I get there I'll deal with it and this is what I mean like my intentions aren't to do harm that doesn't mean I don't and I'm more than happy if somebody comes up and says hey you know you just did something that kind of to talk about it but I'm not going to think too much about it until that happens I'm going to consider everything I can and I'm not going to
judge myself for not being able to consider more because it's only through more experience and open conversation and open communication that I can learn more that I can consider more so it's never about me it's always just about living here and knowing that you're already doing the best you can yeah yeah that I mean there's so much futility in wondering you know spinning in your head after after you do something after you say something insensitive after you do something that
maybe you you wished you hadn't in the moment it's like well it it happened you know and and it do because those things usually the ones that sting are the most informative you know they're the most informative moving forward and they're the ones that you know kind of shake you enough to be like oh yeah no that is that is something to pay attention to I wasn't you know seeing everyone as fully as I could have been in that moment and moving forward like if you like beating yourself up afterwards
again is that kind of it it it it cuts down the ability to be attentive well and it's in the what you just said there I wasn't paying as much attention as I could have been no you were but that doesn't mean you're paying all the attention that there is to pay see there's a difference it's like well I could have been no you couldn't have you couldn't have been doing better okay and it's through looking at it that way that you're avoiding the lessons that will help you do quote unquote
better right you can't go back and change what you've done except that because then you'll learn from what you've done but as long as you go I could have done better then you're never actually looking at at what was happening you never look at what was done and why you did it because you're too busy looking at the better self that would have never done it it's just like I don't want to deal with life let me let me tell me myself a story you know and that's that's very much it that's
what we do right so just just be aware of that it's not that you could have paid more attention it's that you can pay more attention now now you can pay more attention now you can recognize that that person has more Nuance more depth now you can recognize you have more Nuance more depth now now you can do it not any other time not in the future not in the past now this is when all of your lessons really apply now I can pay attention to the ground beneath my feet
now I can pay attention to what this person is saying without paying attention to what it means about me or making assumptions about how they see me or my assumptions about where this is going or a relationship or anything now I can apply this that's the only time because yeah the regrets is like it's like driving a car looking looking back looking in the rearview mirror and that doesn't help moving forward at all so it it can be informative but to pay attention to it doesn't doesn't help the
shifts doesn't help the changes you know to make turns moving forward to look back doesn't doesn't do anything but to look back and see that like you know yeah take Taking accountability for those things and not passing it off to to something else and you know taking accountability and responsibility for everything that you done is what informs the moment to moment change and it's like that's yeah and that's what you can do it's like that's the option there's not
really it's not that there's not much else but it does inform how you continue to live your life like where you continue to focus your attention and how you continue to to look at things and see the world not through yeah not through the same filter of yourself because like looking through a filter of yourself then that's where the conflict arises with certain things the thought that you know could have could have paid more attention should have paid more attention and like wherever
you were at like that was the degree whatever you were looking through whatever sense of yourself you were looking through like that was probably the amount of tension attention you were paying to a lot of things in your life based on you know actions that you took and a lot of times noticing that is what informs how much attention you pay next moving forward and yeah but you know reconciling with regret and guilt and all of that like focusing too much on it
doesn't doesn't help at all like it it really doesn't inform much it's like you can't you can't feel super guilty and and learn as much like you got to let go of that feeling to learn or let go of the focus on it or the the should have should have could what have well otherwise how can you apply being present if you're still looking at the past yeah you can't you can't do both you can't have it both ways so you just have to yeah keep moving forward and and take responsibility and accountability
and and yeah continue to do your best and pay the attention that in formed you know the decisions that you make and and using like using those things to pay more attention those experiences like oh that was that was a l and again it's not a lack it's not a lack of attention because that that implies that there's like some spectrum of attention too like you were at you know 70% attention it's like there was full attention there but it was what it was you know what it was
being informed by like you're always you always have 100% attention it's just like where are you divvying that out are you diving it out to the moment fully that you're experiencing giving that 100% attention or are you filtering it through are you giving some attention to how you see yourself how you want to see yourself how you should be how you should be acting you know the right thing to do and all those things like that filters out your attention in different ways but that attention is
always full there is no 50% attention or 70% attention there can be that to you know towards a certain situation but yeah the attention's always there it's just where is it where is it focused and if it's you know focused on yourself in a lot of ways and and being something and trying to get somewhere and and focusing on something like that's going to inform maybe you know saying something less less sensitive to your environment informed by how much attention you're paying to yourself you
know like fully on on yourself and what you think is best for you as opposed to taking in more considerations you know looking past just what you think is best for you and seeing that that isn't a necessary Focus so much and you know using those experiences to understand that isn't it doesn't help to focus on yourself like it doesn't help your experience so much but it can feel like it does to focus on yourself it can be like a yeah like a feeling that feels right but it doesn't
actually do much at all it's usually the [ __ ] you regret that's when you're focusing on yourself that's the stuff later on you're like [ __ ] and you regret it and that's the funniest part is that's the circular Loop I'm not as close to the mic um that's the circular Loop is that you're making it about yourself you're not paying attention you [ __ ] break something so to speak and then later on you make it about yourself and beating yourself up for it where you were once again not paying
attention so now what do you think's going to happen you can break something else and that's the vicious Loop is that eventually you got to stop making it about you and just pay attention you know you got to learn the lesson [ __ ] I broke something because I wasn't paying attention and yeah and so it's you just gota it's like that's when you realize oh you can let yourself go in a sense or at least drop that Focus or that divvying out that attention to that
Focus but you can't yeah you can't keep making it about you to reconcile with times that you've made it about you yeah you got to you gotta move moving on doesn't mean like you moving on it's like just moving on moving forward yeah yeah yeah just um it's it doesn't uh it doesn't deliver you know I used to describe things as working versus not working and focusing on myself just doesn't work and it's like no it works it works incredibly well it just doesn't deliver on what it
says on what it promises which is the control and the certainty and the um and the satisfaction it just doesn't deliver on those promises but it certainly delivers on making it uh you know a shortsighted tunnel vision you know so it's it's it's like being in an incredibly short tunnel and it's so dark that you can't see that it's it's so dark because it's closed off there is no opening at the end it's just a dead end you know but we've called that dead end a tunnel and we called it a tunnel
because it's so dark that we're like we just there must be there must be an opening it's just so dark I can't see it it's like no a dead end works exactly the way a dead end is intended it it goes nowhere you know but we would be more receptive if we could admit that you know we aren't so sure and we do you know it's just it just happens in waves and the pendulum swings and and you make an assumption because you know it's almost a default setting you know and it takes some reps
to make you know to to potentially make new default settings and realize that you don't know everything as much as you can feel like you can think about a lot like you don't you don't know you don't know you don't know what someone else is thinking what what the fullness of their experience is like but you know being sensitive to that knowing that not knowing what it is but knowing that it's there you know that it exists that it exists in the same way that your experience exists like how
many things you go through in a day ups and downs like that will inform the next things that you do but if you're looking at that through some you know it can feel like a weight the weight of how you think about yourself you know your your identity it's like where this you know the fundamentals of this podcast are letting go of how you think about yourself how you see yourself all of the all of the titles that you throw at yourself it's like that's going to
distract you there's a lot of attention that can be given to you know being a certain type of person living a certain type of way acting a certain type of way and those are the things that get in the way like those are the things that you know we talk about insecurities and stuff like so much of insecurity stems from having some solidified perspective of yourself like when there isn't such a solidified perspective those insecurities like insecurity stems from
there it's like am I am I fitting into this solidified perspective that I built over time because if if that isn't always the focus moment to moment like oh I I should be acting this way I should be doing this thing there isn't so much lack of alignment to that thing you don't Veer from that as because there's nothing there's no middle point so much that you're that you're extended from when you act differently or when you change or when you you know act in certain ways that are not as sensitive
and you assumed you were sensitive and you're like oh that's not that's not me and it's like but it is it was it it doesn't Define you right now but it still was fully you in that moment yeah well and that's it is to look at all the this is why people are informative because when you look at people you're really seeing what's capable for you or what's possible for you right like when you see somebody hurting someone else that's in you don't don't convince yourself it's not you
know I've said it previously you know that's one of the things that nobody likes looking at in terms of like World War II and Nazi Germany is that you know not everybody was an evil Nazi like the German people weren't evil they just got really caught up in thinking about themselves and that's something that we're all capable of right and that's probably the most uncomfortable thing when you look back at at atrocities throughout history is oh [ __ ] those are
people just like us who just got really caught up in in certain things certain thoughts certain behaviors you know like it's important to recognize that because if you can if you can recognize the full spectrum of what you could be from the monster to the hero well then you're just in ing everything that you do and a lot of empathy as a whole um I wanted to swing this around because I know um Friday we tried to record the season finale of season six uh so I wanted to
swing this back to that conversation because so much of what we're talking about here has been what we've been applying throughout season 6 and throughout the podcast which has been just pay attention do the best you can keep moving forward you know and that's not always easy but it is life in the nutshell and over the last season we've had a lot of ups and downs um you know the season what is it the premiere the the first episode of the season was it kind of a a I would say a high point for the
podcast in that we were at the Netherlands but at on the same token kind of a mixed day SL experienced when we recorded it because there was a lot of ups and downs in that nday experience there was a lot of stuff that we were dealing within ourselves and so as with every Retreat it's not we got this let's do this it's step by step Moment by moment day by day just adapting just moving forward and then at the end going hey that was actually pretty good but the more you make it
about yourself the harder the Retreats experiences are and over the next 10 months now we are here at the end of season six it's just been a lot more of that you know like we've had some Partnerships with people that have fallen apart we've had some Partnerships with people that have grown we've seen some friends of the community go away we've actually had to tell some friends no more and on the other hand we've welcomed new people into our lives new people into our business we've Rec
uh welcome new people in not only to dualistic Unity the podcast but now we have a karaoke Wing which is very cool right where we're integrating more with the community we're working with fidelium we're doing a bunch of very cool things but all of that required us to to look at ourselves look at all the possibilities of how we could see ourselves and then to move forward you know like with the loss of one of our co-hosts all of us went through the same almost grieving and mourning process
where we kind of all thought [ __ ] you know was it something I did was there something I could have done about that and we reconciled that we learned from that we're applying that to everything that we do moving forward working with whoever recognizing that you know there are different ways to communicate maybe there are you know certain conversations you don't want to have maybe you don't want to you know I guess share the whole Vision as we did with with what we're doing at the risk
of of I guess overwhelming the people that you're working with you know in the same way that you know when I first started working with Andrew it was like well I can't hit him over the head with everything that's involved with this conversation he's going to run screaming for the hills and so we learned that over the last uh season as well that we while we have plans while we have a a grand kind of not not Vision but rather a lack of ceiling for everything that we could do a dualistic Unity it's
important to remember that not everybody wants to look at that you know they they get overwhelmed by stuff like that in the same way that we can kind of get overwhelmed by just how many [ __ ] things you could perceive here and now you know and so that's changed things that's we've learned things from that and so I just wanted to say that over over the last season and I think we can all admit this from how weathered we feel internally um it really has been you know that you you just keep moving
forward you keep moving forward you feel what you're feeling you learn as best you can and try not to get too caught up in thinking that you can do better thinking that you know what that is try not to get too caught up in yourself just keep moving forward and before you know it you're coming to the end of a season going into an entirely new season Everything Changes once again based on the lessons that you've learned which you could have never known we coming so you can't think forward too
much either just trust that you will learn everything that you can from every experience that you have if you just pay attention yeah because you start looking forward too much and you're not going to be able to see everything going on in the moment or or even looking outside of you know like the room that we're in right now start thinking about all that because that as much as you can think about you know past and future like all of that is kind of the same sort of
thing and that's where a lot of our thoughts stem from so yeah I mean the the Journey of season 6 has been all over I mean you could have never predicted I don't think majority of the things that and how things have gone and yet it's all been super informative there's been certainly not a lack of experiences that's for sure and that's what that's what you learn from that's the opportunity of of life is to have a lot of different experiences some things that you know you really enjoy
and appreciate some things you don't enjoy as much and don't appreciate as much but they're all they're all informative and you know looking at them and and being honest about them and responsible for them and and moving continuing to move through your life like they can be informative as long as you keep going with things CU otherwise they can just kind of keep you stuck stagnant like not experiencing as much not continuing to experience as much because life can be a very you know
can be a very fluid kind of free flowing experience or it can be you know the same thing every single day and like just the ability to keep going when it's when it's not the same thing every every single day it's like that that attention becomes that much more vital you know the ability to pay all of your attention to the moment you know to the experience that you're having is most vital without you know so much of of you in the way your assumptions your expectations your
you know certainly your beliefs and and thoughts about certain things so yeah you know you go through things and you learn you learn a lot and through it all it's like you notice when you took yourself really seriously and then you notice how little that did for you and to continue to do that it's like that's what definition of insanity keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result so that uh yeah you get a good look at at that as you keep doing the same sort of things
and feeling the same sort of ways but understanding that it it doesn't get you the thing that you assumed it was going to or maybe the the thing you assumed you wanted to happen like that's that's never going to be the case and and so just continuing on is not just continuing on but you know doing that without making so many assumptions about how you're doing allows that process to keep playing out and keep happening a little bit more seamlessly but yeah you you can learn a
lot from life and experiences as you go through and yeah season six has been no uh No Lack in that that's for sure um I mean we're always learning in the same way that we talked about about you know they you're always paying attention just to what to reality or to the thoughts about reality you know are you paying attention to what's happening or what you think should be could be would be happening if only you had gotten your way you know and and I like um Ray that you had brought
up uh Canada's wor driver uh because there is a particular character on there or a person that's on there who was uh an aggressive driver and for the most part um I'll summarize he was taking things personally on the road because he thought that people were out to get him and so because he thought that everybody was out to get him he thought then at during this driving instruction um you know experience he learns that you know he has the realization that he is the
driver that he avoids he is the driver that he hates because he's getting them first well now he's the person that's doing the getting who's going after people he's he's the driver he complains about and that hit him and so you know he took that in and and it didn't look like he you know beat himself up too much because he realized that you know he didn't have to be on defense because there really was no one on offense you know and that empathy that lesson came from seeing that you know
you you have become that which you hate and I think that's a meme somehow I feel like that just came back to me and it's true a lot of the times you know we are the person we are the person who is not thinking or considering other people because we assume that someone is doing that to us already you know and I think that's where a lot of empathy can come from is is just seeing that you know you may be you may be you know the source of that tension of that conflict
and it just feel feels easier to say that it's coming from somewhere else but every you know it's it's it's safe to see that other people do that as well and so they're at they're on defense for an offense that doesn't exist in the same way that we are on defense for an offense that doesn't exist and then in that their space and you're like okay so there's there's no need to be on defense you know but I think you see that you you can you can have that whole
realization without beating yourself up for being on defense because you're like I just made the wrong I just made an assumption you know and that's okay you know it's where did that come from and in that that person gave himself space and and all of a sudden didn't feel that big desire to to aggressively get someone else on the road because that person had the skill set to be on the road to pay attention to things that were happening down the road to pay attention to the the the car itself you
know you're paying attention to the speed to the the amount of gas in the car you're paying attention to being in the car as well as paying attention to what's happening in front of you behind you you have all the skill set you have all the potential all the ability all of that is there all the time and and when we're not doing that it's like okay well that where's that coming from some assumption and when you when you're letting go of one assumption there's usually another one that you
didn't realize you were still holding on to and so the process of learning deepens you know and and it doesn't have to really be too much more than that yeah anybody who's wondering season one of Canada's worst driver is what we're referring to shout out Bob um what I enjoyed was that he learned something from recognizing that other people might be acting like he's acting but then it was through exposure to other drivers to actually being in a in a community of
other drivers and seeing them go through the same things that he was going through that you recognized there's a wide spectrum of drivers like the other Insight that he had was not just that he's the only person on the road that he's dealing with but that there are other people who are just straight up bad drivers that he's not recognizing that there's people out there that are suffering from a deficit of skill or experience yep that it's not personal at all right and that in thinking about
yourself you really start to get a tunnel vision about people you really start to think that they're all considering you instead of desperately trying to get through their own life yeah right and that's I think one of the most useful things that we can go through is again the spectrum of considerations right it really is a bonus to our life and yet we look at it like it's a curse like a burden absolutely oh my god oh these intrusive thoughts are telling you a lot of
information you'd be that that would happen if you made that that impact if you were to do that thing or say that thing or like all of a sudden you're learning you're like you don't like how those intrusive thoughts feel good that means you're not going to do the thing MH unless you beat yourself up for having the intrusive thoughts and then you're not going to learn from them you're going to block them out and you're going to end up doing them which is the funniest [ __ ] thing when you
get it when you realize that it's through avoiding the [ __ ] that makes you uncomfortable that you do more [ __ ] that makes you uncomfortable later on it is crazy it's like you spread a discomfort Ripple you know it's just but all you have to do is just not not get too caught up in yourself calm down just calm down you know and carry on don't tell me to calm down exactly I am calm but but it really is that and so I know we're coming up to the end of our episode here and uh we had like I said
we had recorded an episode on Friday uh that was meant to be the finale and so I'm just glad that we were coming back to this conversation because we have about three minutes left and I I think season six really has come down to application which is a big part of how the podast is Shifting now the description of the podcast has changed um the category of the podcast has changed we are no longer in religion and spirituality we are now in uh Health and Wellness Health and Wellness and Leisure
and Leisure I believe right and Poss and philosophy society and philosophy as well so the Leaning there you'll notice is very much the application side Leisure especially I love that relax you know and then Health kind of goes with health it goes with relaxing and paying attention so a lot of what we're talking about here is the application it's kind of like you were saying earlier you know like that's what this is all been about you know looking at those insecurities
and and letting them go it's like as a means of living like that's not really what it's about so much as that's that's that's a pathway that's available to us being advantage of we we look at all these thoughts about us and we assume [ __ ] I have to be mired in them rather than to step back and see all of them and be informed by their Spectrum right informed by the possibilities rather than assuming certainty ever and suddenly we grow and we become more nuanced and our relationships change
because again just accepting that you might have hurt somebody's feelings just looking at it as a valid possibility not only allows you to address that but makes you more aware of their feelings it makes you more aware of their Humanity it makes you more aware that they can feel [ __ ] like you do there is a value to those thoughts until you make it about you God I gotta I got to avoid doing that stop doing that you're you're missing the lesson right because that's
what it is it's not about you going and from now on I'll never do that and make another Hollow promise right because you're just trying to avoid learning The Lesson by taking the easy way out yep got it it's just like a kid saying I know I know because admitting I don't is damned uncomfortable right and it's like if you did know that's so much worse so you're telling me that you did know you did know to be considered and you actively chose not to that's great I
thank you so much Bly you know instead of admitting I didn't know and you know what thank you for the reminder yeah I really do appreciate reminders more and more because it takes the pressure off having to remember everything all the time and every moment because you you know you thought you knew in the moment that you did something and then it's like so did you know or you know do you know now but yeah there's there's so much of what you were saying before with and I think
we're pretty close to time but like yeah you uh you don't know what someone else is going through but knowing that they're going through things and understanding that you don't and you know you can't really change anyone else you can only change yourself you can only shift yourself you can't you know control how things go outside of yourself you can you can only be sensitive in yourself and and you know continue to take in those considerations and yeah understand that life isn't
always you know easy or comfortable a or you know basic or simple it actually never is quite frankly and that whole idea that it is easy or comfortable is part of that illusion that we can control our way to to an ease but there is there can be a fluidity when you're not putting yourself in the way so much or assuming so many things outside of yourself like you know those those judgments those thoughts those assumptions they're they're coming from you you know that fear of judgment is
just judgmental yeah but life is also potential yeah and and as much as you know we can focus on the lessons and what we've learned in considerations Let's uh remind ourselves that every moment is full of nothing but infinite potential and every possibility is open to you so let's uh let's let's move forward absolutely and just as a final thought assuming that the audio for this episode has worked out I think this would be a fantastic finale to season 6 so if you're listening to this right now
you've just witnessed a spontaneous end to season six which I think is probably the most appropriate end to season six um this this has been fantastic season s's right around the corner we've got a bunch of new stuff coming and it really just does come down to keep moving forward you know if there's anything I've learned it's just keep moving forward keep moving forward and stop thinking you know anything other than what you can learn right now and stop making it about you if it's about you
learning it you're not really learning it thanks for joining everyone appreciate it and uh yeah I'll talk to you soon bye everyone bye