hello and welcome to the fourth episode of Leave i with Levi uh so today I'm actually really not sure uh what to talk about um I just got a new chair in the end of my last episode uh my chair fell apart uh so I felt now that I have got a new chair uh it was time for uh another recording uh of myself I mean one of the things that I have been kind of thinking about I guess uh to some degree is um the fact that I I don't really feel like there's much to share and I'm not sure if that is
true I mean I've been I've been having some really nice and exciting uh experiences uh this summer and I was thinking like what's there to share uh I've been having such a great time and you know it's just been yeah it's been very joyful uh very joyful and I've been thinking a little bit about what's going on in the background of of me feeling the joy uh during these events cuz it's it's been a lot of kind of new people it's been um yeah all sorts of people I've
been meeting in all sorts of of State um and it's very easy to judge myself in that situation uh judge others uh for whatever reason um but I mean I I feel like that's becoming like the theme here uh in this episode but it's it's these thoughts that are kind of churning [Music] on the fact that I've done something wrong I haven't said the perfect thing maybe that person was a little bit offended by this thing what did that person mean when the person said this and this about
me and all these things that is going on and that could have be L kind of putting a damper on these events that I've been to and kind of taking me into some sort of a at least some down periods where I'm kind of like feeling sorry for myself or feeling angry or feeling uh disappointed in people or maybe I feel like things should be different than it is and I wish I was somewhere else and and all these things but it is not necessary to listen to those thoughts I mean those thoughts are there
100% it's it's all there and I'm feeling it I'm feeling it it's like it's it's turbulent inside of me but but that's okay like that's that's always okay and I think just kind of focusing what's actually happening so not focusing on what I think is happening and just focusing on what's actually happening just continuing to be present with whatever is happening whether it's a conversation that just keeps on going or maybe we're doing an activity or maybe I'm going for a walk
when these thoughts come like whatever it is just keep doing what you're doing and kind of be present with um with what whatever it is that is actually happening and and these things that we're thinking about can just be there and it's interesting because sometimes I'm thinking kind of like am I just kind of not giving these thoughts kind of their rightful kind of uh attention maybe I should think more about it but what I've noticed is that when I'm kind of just keep going it's almost
like it's almost like I'm letting it play out by it it's almost like I'm feeling more when I'm not kind of getting caught up in the discussion about these things so either I can kind of go all in on the whole um oh yeah maybe I was an idiot Maybe may I should do this maybe I should do this next time maybe I blah blah blah blah blah and I feel all that stuff is just distraction almost to not feel kind of the feeling that come along with with feeling these things and and and stuff
like that so I feel when I'm kind of like just keep focusing on the now and the present moment and I'm actually really feeling what's happening in that moment so whether that is directly related to these thoughts that are going on or if it's related to something else maybe it's someone else's kind of emotions that are kind of rubbing off on on me or something like that like it's it's I feel I'm honoring them even more by just staying present and yeah I I think really
this need to kind of Nag around a feeling or a a thought is just sort of a distraction from from staying here and actually feeling the whole thing and what's going on and doing this is a practice it it is not I feel like it is it's not this this holy thing that suddenly you you got it and then you got it for life but it's a practice it's a practice of just catching myself oh I'm thinking about something again and I'm not here let's get back to what's actually
happening because I don't know if those thoughts and perceptions are true because that's what they are they are perceptions so basically yeah um yeah lost my train of thought a little bit but uh yeah that that was because of some some thoughts going on in my head that I paid a bit too much attention to that was uh related to to this uh recording so it's interesting how it's tripping us up even like it it's it doesn't improve our present State and of course maybe we've done
something thing that we should learn from and and I think that's another another point is like I I think we pick that up pretty quickly like we don't have to think about it over and over and over and over and over again and like beat ourselves up about it and all that [ __ ] in order to kind of learn from it it's like oh yeah I noticed maybe that person got a little bit offended by by that thing like so for sure you can like follow that up with you know I don't know just just take it in
take it in and and you'll you'll will know better next time you know so it it's not about ignoring what's happening it's more about staying here instead of being in the head I would say yeah so that's been on my mind because well I guess it's uh it's just uh it's just been on my mind and other than that I'm I'm not sure what's going on I mean I have my I have my kind of U the fall is coming after summer and I'm I'm without any like occupation at the moment so it's
the whole thing about kind of figuring out uh what I'm going to do and I have some ideas for sure and I'm kind of just taking some steps towards that I know it it can't happen immediately so but I'm kind of prepping a little bit uh but then again I'm not sure what's going to happen right so so I have some ideas and I'm moving kind of towards towards it without too much attachment to that goal and I'm finding that to be interesting and it's it's kind of the same thing as the thoughts that are
about um how I'm doing like or how I've done in a conversational blah blah blah all these things and this is kind of the same here cuz very often of my mind wants to kind of settle on something because that's more comfortable but but it cuts it cuts off kind of the opportunity room uh for this fall so I'm trying not to do that because I don't have to do like a cut of yet uh but still my mind wants to kind of um settle on something just to just to feel feel com like be certain
like you know yeah set up a website and kind of like do that thing immediately and and all that things and and when the time is right I'm going to do do those things for sure but but right now I don't know I don't know like which direction kind of things will take um uh in the next month uh so I'm trying to just sit back but it's like every time these thoughts come up it's like I can entertain them I can go into them I can um kind of feel um all the uncertainty and I
can try to reduce it or I can just be here now with whatever is actually happening maybe I even working on something for for uh like the future job or whatever it's going to be but thinking about how I can kind of settle on it will will not really help yeah so uh I'm I'm just trying to kind of take myself back to the present moment whenever I'm feeling that I'm drifting in a direction I don't need to go in so yeah I guess that's what I was saying when I lost my train of thought earlier like
how I just lost my train of thought again but uh yeah that's okay that's okay I wonder what's happening there you know cuz it's like I don't really see a reason Reon for that's kind of disappearing from my mind but maybe it's disappearing from the mind for like a reason we we don't always know you know how like a conversation is supposed to go or this recording is supposed to go like my my mind is of course running a little uh little background show here about about how how this uh conversation
eror is kind of running out of fuel because I don't feel like I have more to say uh and then suddenly I'm losing my train of thought for for the second time and and then I mean then that's something to talk about right because it is interesting how we we lose our train of thought sometimes and we have two options there it's like either you can kind of because I've often in a conversation kind of stop the whole conversation just to guys there was something I was going to
say give me a second I need to kind of find at the end right so then you're kind of you're kind of stopping the flow a little bit of of the conversation because you think the thing you had to say is so important but what if you should just like what if I'm just in that conversation should just be be quiet you know instead like oh or maybe say something else that kind of wanted to come out but I'm holding back because that doesn't fit my style or whatever you know um yeah or someone else has
something they should be saying now in this example here I'm uh of course sitting here alone so I'm not giving that space to to someone else but but I'm giving the space now for a different avenue um to chat about which which I found find uh find quite fascinating so yeah and conversations in general like I've been in many many conversations lately that is kind of uh um yeah it's kind of I I've been having less rules kind of in my conversations and things have definitely been been
flowing things are flowing better I'm just not I'm of course less concerned with kind of how the conversation is going but it's also like yeah I guess I'm not so afraid to say these things that kind of just these things that kind of pop up right it's like sometimes something pops up in you and you want to say it and a lot of times in my life I think I've been holding back on it um and maybe especially like in kind of like well before also but like after I started to get into kind
of what's going on like with uh with this human uh thing uh and kind of this this conversation here in dualistic Unity um so basically yeah yeah in the beginning like was very much kind of in in one sense of me was like really eager to to talk about kind of my internal life and kind of the changes I was going through sort of uh but another part of me was kind of very hesitant to do that especially with kind of people that's been in my life for a long time um so I was kind of
basically holding back my authentic conversation cuz very often I I kind of notice something in me in a conversation and and I feel like that's quite natural to bring up these things just to kind of uh be honest about how I'm feeling but what I've noticed is that when I'm kind of just letting myself lose and just saying whatever that I'm saying uh I'm just noticing how other people can relate to that so I don't always even know why I'm saying what I'm saying but I I'm feeling often
people relate to the those things that are kind of just coming out of me sort of um so whether it's like how I can feel insecure around new people or kind little tense when I'm in Social settings or or whatever it is you know it's like the I think a lot of people if we just started to talk about how we we are kind of feeling in the moment uh I think a lot of people were Rel late cuz uh uh I think more often than not when we're kind of sitting across from someone we're for sure like mirroring our
experience like if one person is tense the other person is feeling that tenseness and maybe thinks it's its own tenseness and then it's kind of bouncing off each other a little bit and then if someone mentions like oh I'm feeling feeling kind of tense actually it's like it's almost like it can release a little bit on both both sides like oh yeah I'm feeling some some tension as well like oh it's nice to hear that that's okay you know to just say out loud and
just um who knew that we were both human you know I feel that's that's uh kind of what we're trying to hide uh out of society the fact that we actually feel things and are not perfect we must not let anyone know that we're not perfect this is how I lived my life for yeah most of my life it's not many years ago before I started to kind of open up a little bit but before that I was so afraid so afraid that people would know that I was struggling with anxiety and
was kind of all kind of stressed about social situations and I was kind of like Bru forcing myself through all of this and insecurity is about being good enough for the job and and all this stuff and just brute forcing it all not talking about it with anyone and just keep going you know just keep up appearances just keep up the appearances and just show people that you are perfect you know you are good at this and you love this and you love this and you just keep going and that's that's [ __ ]
exhausting I feel exhausted just thinking about it so it's really nice to just say to people like hey yeah I'm feeling it I'm feeling it for sure but that's okay it's okay to feel it we can do things even though we're feeling a certain way yeah so yeah that little um that that little um uh mind BL or whatever it was earlier uh just took me in a New Direction talking about conversations talking about this stuff yeah I really enjoy that because I was going into this episode like with
absolutely no idea what I was going to say the only thing I had pre-planned was like this thing with a new chair uh so yeah yeah that so so that's it for today uh I appreciate anyone who's uh listening and uh I hope you have a great day