Wayside Theater - The Absent Minded Professor

The Chicago Motor Club presents the Wayside Theater. Happy New Year, ladies and gentlemen, and the prosperous one.

Right now is.

The time to consider what an important factor the Chicago Your Motor Club may be in contributing to your personal happiness during nineteen thirty nine. To begin with, the club's Wayside Theater has planned a schedule of more interesting, dramatic entertainment than ever. But most important of all is the fact that the club's many services and benefits may easily be your nineteen thirty nine assurance of maximum motoring satisfaction. The club's radio offerings are yours for the turn of

By Addison Simmons.

Ladies and gentlemen, The first act curtain rises on the Adventure of the absent Minded Professor.

Oh, Peggy, yes, John, take a letter.

Oh John, look at you.

What are you laughing at?

Oh you're telling your hats on backwards. You look like a fireman.

Why don't be foolish. I haven't got my hat on.

Oh but you have.

But I've been in class all after Oh what happens?

I have got it on, darling. So that's why the class laughed. Oh well, never mind, take a letter, Peggy, ready in waiting, dear mister. Uh uh, who's our writing to?

You haven't said yet?

Oh it's funny. Well let's see what was I going to write about.

You didn't say that either.

Oh well, I'll think of it sooner or later. I have lots of other things to do.

I suppose you certainly have Look at your desk, Look at that pile of paper.

Oh well, I'll dig right into him.

Get him.

Oh, Peggy, yes, John, Uh.

Peggy, isn't there something you were supposed to remind me of today. No, something important, Peggy.

Nothing I haven't reminded you of already.

Oh no, that's peculiar.

Oh well it'll come, it'll come, I'll where'd those flowers come from, Peggy?

Oh the man in the moon.

Peggy, Where did you get those flowers?

Are you in? You send them to me?

I sent them?

But oh, good heaven, so I did. Oh you know I've been so busy I forgot. Yes, Oh, well, busy men can't remember everything.

No, dear, I guess they can't.

Oh these papers, now, let me see to.

Uh, Peggy, Peggy, I forgot to say. I just put on my experiment for the new explosive.

Yes, John, and I want it to remain.

Just as it is until five o'clock and at five o'clock. I want you to remind me to take it off at five o'clock, yes, dear, And we mustn't forget if we do at midnight, it'll blow this chemistry building the kingdom.

Come.

Oh, but John, you said I could get off early and go shopping.

Oh did I? Why so? I did? Well? You just go right ahead, go on there anytime at all? Was all right?

What about the explosives.

Oh that's all right, I'll remember it.

That's just the trouble you won't.

Now, Peggy. Tell me did I ever forget anything really important?

Oh?

No, darling? Well now did I skip it? There?

Look, I'll write your note, great big one here?

Now turn off experiment five o'clock.

There, Now you can't miss that?

Fine, put it right here. Suppose I put my hat on it, and then I can't miss it? Say where is my hat still.

On your head? Done?

Oh?

Yes, so it is? Well all right, here we are the note, the hat, I pick up the hat. I see the note. I can't miss that. Can I just be sure you don't die?

No?

I won't know, Peggy, there is something I've forgotten for today.

If I could only be.

Sure it's nothing you've asked me to remind you about, dear.

Oh well, I suppose it wasn't important anyway. Well, now you run along, get your shopping done.

Go ahead, thanks, darling, you're a sweet boss.

Don't forget your hat.

I won't buy sweet kiss Peggy.

There, Well, doululu, dear, I'll see you later.

Oh yes, of course, goodbye.

M m.

M m.

Oh h.

Professor mcandire, Professor Parker's come in, sit down.

What's on your mind?

Sam, John, I want you to help me out. I certainly, Sam. What can I do? I'm in a fixed John.

I was supposed to give a lecture down at Gardenville tonight, and now I can't go.

Oh why what's happened?

Well, Plexy called a meeting of the finance committee, and I can't get away. The old college is pretty hard up, John. We've gotta think of ways and means. Yes, I know, Sam, Yes, what do you say?

John? Will you go down there and give my lecture for me? William? Well? Sam, after all, I.

Know it's nothing much, John, A little talk on the art of human companionship. You know we talked about it last week. Oh, yes, Sam, I remember, Will you do it? What do you say?

Of course?

Certainly, certainly, Sam, I'll go. Thanks John. That takes a load off my mind. Oh, don't even think of it.

Sam.

By the way, do you know of anything especially important I had on the schedule for today?

Did I mention anything to you? Not to me? No?

No, that is funny. I'd swear there was something. You'll remember it tomorrow. Look, John, you will have to start right now. You're going down the Gardenville. I don't like to rush you, but it's a long way. Well that's all right, Sam, I can start now, fine, and thanks again, John, Oh forget it. Come on now, let's get out of here.

All right. Oh hey, hey, wait a minute. Don't you want your hat? My hat? Oh yeah, sure, yes of course. Hey, Now where is it? Here you are? Thanks? All right, let's go. Come on.

You got your car, yes, that's right outside. Come on, Sam, let me lock up here, go ahead. Here we are, and I'm off to Gardenville. Well see you tomorrow morning, Sam.

All right John.

But you know, Sam, I'd feel a little more comfortable if I could only think what it is I've forgotten.

And soul.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are fortunate in having with us tonight as substitute speaker, Professor mcintie.

Thank you, Thank you, missus Chaman.

Ladies and gentlemen, My friend's human companionship is the.

Very foundation of our society.

I want to consider first man's fundamental device for companionship the institution of marriage. Now this, this institution of marriage is.

Let me see go on, professor, go ahead, Oh yes, yes, yes, of course. The institution of marriage is one on which we build.

Oh see now the institution of marriage?

Marriage? What's the matter, professor?

And what you talk was?

Oh?

Forgive me, please, ladies and gentlemen, little something on my mind.

It's been bothering me, bother me to professor. Yes, good point, that well taken.

Well, not proceed, Let us consider the wedding ceremony.

Now, the wedding ceremony. It's the wedding, that's it. Oh, what's the matter? Little wedding ceremony gets you? Don Yes, that's it. Oh this is terrible. How could I? Well? Is it? Professor? What's the trouble?

Mister chairman? This is awful? What I'd forgotten? It's come to me. Oh what am I going to do?

Professor? Please? What is it? Mister chairman? I just remembered I'm supposed to get married tonight. Well I havenake.

I'm supposed to get married to my secretary, and I came here and forgot all about it. Mister chairman. I've got to leave, but Professor, I can't help it. I can't stay.

What'll we tell all these people? Tell them? I'll tell them the truth?

And how ladies, ladies and gentlemen, you have to excuse me.

I'm terribly sorry, but I've got to leave.

Gone to a wedding professor. Yes, yes, my own wedding. You see, I came away and forgot all about it. So will you please please excuse me because I've got to be there.

The first act of the adventure of the absent minded Professor comes to a club. Do you know that it's possible to save as much as twenty five dollars on the financing of a new car? That's exactly what many members of the Chicago Motor Club have done through the

Merely for the asking.

Just send your name and address to the Chicago Motor Club, Chicago or its nearest branch office, or call Franklin.

One eight one eight this very evening.

Now, just in case you've resolved that during nineteen thirty nine you're never going to put off till tomorrow what you know very well you should do to day, we're going to present an unusual idea to assist you in keeping that splendid resolution. Between the second and third acts of tonight's play, we're going to eliminate our regular announcement.

Hey, hey, over, let me see your driver's license. Now, what's the matter, officer? What was I going too fast? I said, let me see your license. Well, officer, I can explain it. I was on my way to let.

Me see your license, all right, all right, I have it right here.

Oh well, no, what's the matter? And she got it? I had it? I had it right my wallet. I must have left my wallet at home. Eh, that's what I thought. A smart guy. You must be professor or something. Certainly I'm a professor.

Yeah, and I'm heady, leamar, what you're doing with this stolen car?

What do you mean? I mean, this is a stolen car? Now? What have you got to say? Say?

I won't stand for this. I don't like what you're saying. I don't like your attitude, and I don't like your tone of voice.

Or don't you now? Well, maybe you like the chief's tone of voice. He took singing lessons. Get going, mister professor, and don't forget him right behind you.

Now, you listen to me, chief, You can't hold me here.

Now hold on, professor. Well, yeah, you see, I take your word and call your professor. I am a professor.

Like I am, he's a professor. Professors don't steal cars.

I did not steal that car. I took it by mistake. All those cars look alike, and you know it. Key was in the ignition. I just got in and drove off. Yes, of course, you just got in and drove off.

Yes, you've got to let me go. I tell you, I've got to.

I know, I know, I know all about it. You've got to go somewhere and get married because you forgot about it before. Yes, Now I ask you, professor, how could a man forget about his own wedding?

Well, it happens that I didn't. Well, it don't make sense. Now, why would this good friend of yours, this Professor Marcus Barcas, Now, why would he send you an a lecture the night you're going to get married.

Well he didn't know. Nobody knew. We were keeping the marriage secret till college was over.

All right, we'll soon find out. And I've sent for the girl. I've sent for Professor Marcus Pear Barkers. And as soon as they identify him always.

Doing well, why don't they come? Oh no, be patient, just a little old murpher lot and watch form withy.

Yes, sir, oh awful, late eleven fifteen, eleven fifteen.

There's something I'm supposed to do with the time, now what now?

I wouldn't bother thinking, professor thinking only tires the head?

Will you be quiet? Something to do with the time? No, cheap? Here they are? No?

Okay, murph sentermen right, step this way, please, here we are.

Chief. It's Peggy Smith and Professor Barkers. Yeah, hello, folks, come right. Hey, oh Sam, I'm so glad you've come.

Now.

Will you please tell these confounded in.

Just a minute now, Professor mar Barker, say, do you know this man?

This fellow? No? I never saw him in my life? Sam, Sam? What are you saying? I'm sorry, I don't know him, Jeeves, Sam, are you crazy?

Young lady? How about you? Do you know him?

Why?

No?

I never saw him before?

Pretty? What are you trying to do? Now? You ought to be ashamed of yourself. I don't like the Smith. I ought to turn you over my knee.

Chief, come over and see us sometime. Come over for tea, age Smith.

You'll regret thistoke. Thank you, Miss Smith. Yes, I'll begad to comfort tea.

Yeah, good night now, Jeef right now, young fella, I want you to sit there and think real hard. Now, what's your right name? Oh?

Confound you, I said, I'm Professor McIntyre, and I am Professor McIntyre, and I wish you'd.

Go away, your confounded idiot. Oh so I'm the yes, Now go away and let me alone.

I'm trying remember something I've forgot, all right, all right now, now try to remember this now.

Now watch your right name, you fool. All right, you can have it. I'll tell you my right name. I am the Caleph of bagh Dad. See. Well, well, no, that's more like it.

Hey, Murph, Murph calling out house and ask him if they're missing the Caleb.

Of bag Dad. I think we got something here. Ok.

So you think I'm crazy, don't you. Well I'll show you who's crazy.

Oh no, no, it's all right, professor. Just take it easy. You know what we're all the we might crazy.

I demand to be taken to the college. I want to see President Jones right now.

You hear me? Right now?

Are you sure Jonesy isn't one of the boys and not hope that is an insult.

I demand to be taken to the college at once. Well, now I'll tell you.

We'll take a little ride up to the nuthouse, and on the way by we'll.

Stop in and say hello to the president.

No, I was that.

I was never so insulted in all my life. No, no, no, don't be touchy. And let's see it's eleven thirty. Eleven thirty. Oh, why can't I think? Hey, you know, Professor I had another chap like you. Onesay. He was one of those willpower fellas. You know.

He could sit down and put his mind to it, good and hard and just blow up the city hall because it didn't like the mayor. Hey, I don't suppose that you could blow up the college, could you.

Yes, that's it, Yes, my experiment, that's what it was. I've been trying to think. I've been rocking my brain.

That's what it is. For him, say, professor, take a little joke. I tell you, Chief, this is past the joking stage. What time is it? Tell me quick, I hold you the time.

It's eleven thirty, chief, No, no, no, no, your head come on now like a good fella.

Well, Chief, I've got to get to my laboratory at once before midnight.

It'll blow up.

Come on, take it easy, old man. Come on, now, come on, let's go. I tell you I've got to get to that laboratory. Chief please, yes, of course, come along. Now we'll go for a nice little half hour. Oh, we get some good fresh air and we'll see the President.

Will you take me to that laboratory? Now? Will you be a good fella and forget it? Oh?

What's the use? What's the use? I tell you, this is the end of everything. O. Sure, come on, now, let's go for that nice ride. The second act curtain falls on the Wayside Theater production of the Adventure of the Absent Minded Professor. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to present a novel idea one that's bound to interest you because it means money in the pocket of

Now, while the orchestra plays. Just pick up the phone.

And call Franklin one eight, one eighth, or take this time to write your name and address on a penny postcard or a piece of paper and have it already to mail to the club. Here we go, friends, a musical intermission, while you call Franklin one eight one eight.

For your free booklet.

And then we'll be all ready for the third act of the night's play. And now the third act curtain rises on the adventure of the absent minded professor.

Oh please, Chief, please take me to the laboratory. You've got to believe me. Now, we're going to no labor Chief, I beg you ash like a good bum.

But now look, if you behave yourself, we let you blow up two laboratories tomorrow.

That's all right, you win. It's out of my hands. Now I'm through. That's the way to talk, you idiots.

Look at the time. Five minutes of twelve, five minutes of twelve. Oh there's the house, chief, camera pull up.

Yeah right, yeah, I'm on, professor.

Oh you colossal comas it? Okay, ring the bellmark. We'll find out. You'll find out, all right, you will find out plenty.

He does it old man. Oh good evening, sir. Well what do you want, President Jones? Listen the quiet you, President Jones. And now I came here?

Well, who are you? Come out of the dock. I can't see you, mister President.

Stay where you are, mister President said, I'm on my way to the psychopathic hospital.

That's why you belong? Is that man? I can't see him? Will you come in? Please? Here's there we are, Professor.

He might be dangerous, sir, of what you bring him here for? Wells it seems that he's gifted with a very strange power. You say, he can blow up your chemistry laboratory, just like just like that. In other words, he's goofy. But he says he knows you, so I brought him here just to make sure. Oh why do you bother me with the nonsense?

What is it, Joe, President Jones, This is no joke.

I tell you why why, Professor McIntyre, is that you?

Of course? It is? What? Yes, these boob these fools. I told them about the laboratory, But what about the laboratory, professor? What is he?

President Jones? I put on an experiment. I forgot about it until these fools arrested me. I could have stopped it, but now it's too late. Boof this is all that.

Now, President, I wouldn't worry even if he is a professor. I think he's a little touched.

Mister President.

Listen to me now, will you, Mister President, he's been acting off for me.

He thinks he can work miracles.

Oh no, poor professor Mac, time you toom sure he really thinks he can blow up the building.

Just like that?

Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear the poor dear professor.

Oh you're sorry? Are you? And you think I'm crazy too? Do you? All right? It's too late to stop it, so you might as well have it on a professor. Please, you want to see miracles doing? All right? You'll see miracles there. You hear that.

There's midnight for you. Go ahead, jeep, snap your fingers. You'll get your miracle, all right? No, no, just cool off?

Will you go on?

Snap me?

You know you want me snap your stupid fingers? All right?

All right, anything to oblige. Ah, here we are, professor the magic snap?

What good? Heavens? The laboratory looks?

Look at the building it's gone, Look at glory.

Cheep, Yeah, well, you can all faint.

I'm gonna pack my bags and get out of town. I know just how welcome I'll be here now. Good night you.

Fools, John, John, this is terrible.

You're experiencing out of my way.

John, I was coming to see the out of my way.

We don't even know each other. Non please listen, No, let go my coade.

Please wait, John, do you know what's happened, Oh, Professor Barkus, Yes, I know what's happened.

I blew up the lab with my little experiment.

But John, look here, look John, seas both of you you could have helped me prevent it. But no, no, you've never seen me before. Let go my arm pain, John, listen, look John, it's wonderful.

What are you raving about? You half went out of my way? Can you feel it spray in the wind? What?

Look at my face? Flick at my hands. That black sprays oil. There's a gusher where the lamb was, John, The spray's in the wind. John, I'll tell you we're rich. The college is rich. We can build twenty laboratories. Oh well, John, the explosion did it?

It's millions? Is that so? Well?

That still doesn't explain why you two didn't get me out of that police station, John, John, don't quibble over trifles. You had to be punished for running away from that lecture.

But think of it. We've struck oil.

I'm gonna go for resident. We're rich, We're rich rich.

Wake up, chief, we got another customer.

Well i'll be John. Well, what about you? What was your reason for not knowing me? Did you have a lecture?

I ran out on? No? Jack? Well, and what was it? What did you have against me? So suddenly are you poor darling? Don't you really know wits? Darling? What was the idea?

Oh?

I don't wonder, John, there's been so much excitement.

But have you really forgotten that you forgot to come and get married?

Oh?

My had of course, of course, that's why you didn't know me. Oh, Peggy, I hadn't coming to me for that. We'll get married first thing in the morning.

Oh no, darling, not a chance.

In the world, Peggy.

Please, we'll get married right now, Dear, before you forget it again, mister Congo.

Motor Clubs Wayside Theater production of the Adventure of the Absent Minded Professor comes.

To a close.

It's been a most pleasant starting the new year with you, ladies and gentlemen, and the Chicago Motor Club's hopes that we have contributed to your enjoyment of the first day in nineteen thirty nine.

But why stop there.

For over thirty two years, the Club has contributed to the well being and happiness of thousands of motorists every hour of.

The day, every day of the year.

If I could make a New Year's wish come true, it would be this, that every motorist might enjoy the difference between being a Chicago Motor Club member and just being the owner and driver of a car. There's a world of difference, friends, and it's to your distinct advantage to find out what that difference is. Why don't you request the Club's free booklet this very evening. Just send your name and address to the Chicago Motor Club, Chicago or its nearest branch office or.

Call Franklin one eight one eighth right now.

Be sure enjoining the Wayside Theater radio audience again next week at this same hour, And remember the Chicago Motor Club's weekly broadcast of the Parker Family is at six point thirty tomorrow evening over this same station.

In the cast of tonight's play.

You've heard our popular stars Olin Soulay and the part of John and Patricia Dunlapp playing Peggy. They were supported by Bill Bouchet, Herb Butterfield, Frank Dane and Rhys Taylor. This is Burnsmith speaking for the Chicago Motor Club and wishing you a happy and prosperous New Year.

This is the Wbbmare to get her Wrigley Building, Chicago,