The Adventures of Maisie - A Vacation for Mrs Hammerslogger

I have, babe, say, how about a little girl?

Does that answer your question? Buddy?

The Adventures of Mazie starring and Southern. You all remember Metro Golden Mayor's famous Mazie pictures. In just a moment, you'll hear Mazie in radio, starring the same glamorous star you all went to see and loved on the screen.

And Southern.

But first you're announcer.

Our heirs and Southern as Mazie.

Yep, I'm mazy like the fella, said Mazie Revere, Just a gal who ain't concerned about taking it with me when I go, because when you're in show business like me, you're used to traveling light.

Yep.

The way I figure it, today will be yesterday tomorrow. But for a lot of people, there wouldn't be a tomorrow if it weren't for certain organizations called the bud Banks. And if you'll pardon a small pun, these are the only banks in the world that can't operate unless they're in the red. I know the wonderful work these outfits do because three times a week I work at one of the banks. Is a sort of receive and teller in charge of deposits there's no honey involved in any

Gosh, a whole pine. Doesn't that make you a little weak?

Oh not the least, miss, And it's all over before you can snap your fingers like this like this. Well, I guess I am just a little weak. What can I do for you, honey?

Well I heard about these blood pangs and I thought that I could.

Oh no, Girley, we just take. We don't give, but I'd like to give a little. Well, you're a swell galfa wanting to help, But we're in the business of saving lives, not throwing them away. Yes, but I tell you what, you build yourself up a little, I mean a lot, and then in a couple of years you come back.

But that's exactly why I'm here, my health, That's why I want to sell my blood.

Oh honey, we don't pay our donors. They give for free.

They don't get paid.

Well, only with something you can't put in the bank. Honey, gratitude and human lives, you see, miss.

Nancy, Nancy Homer Schlugger.

Oh, oh, well, it's silly to cry over a thing like that, Nancy. And you got to do is change your second name.

Oh, you don't understand, my doctor, He says, I need to have a long vacation. I shouldn't work for at least a couple of weeks to go to a nice hotel, meet some nice young men. Maybe.

Well the dog is ride, Nancy, and you should take your blood with you.

Mister Jeffries, that's my boss, he said. I'm not eligible for a vacation yet. I've only worked for him for two years.

Two years with no vacation. Where do you work at a chain gang?

No, mister Jeffers has a store on Market in fifty, a small department store.

I'm a sales girl. Mister Jeffrey said that if I continue to work.

Real hard, he'd give you every other labor day off.

Huh, oh, you know, mister Jeffries.

No, but I'm going to meet him, Nancy and get you that vacation with pay.

But you can't do that, mister Jeffries. He doesn't like to be told what to do.

Oh, well, don't worry. I'm not going to tell him. I'm just going to ask him.

You'll appeal to him as a man.

For sure. How old is this mister Jeffries?

Sixty?

In that case, I'll have to appeal to him as a man. He's too old for me to appeal to him as a woman. Now, now you run along back to work, Nancy, and leave everything a little mazy.

Oh gosh, maze. I can't understand why you're doing this for me. I'm a total stranger, Honey.

There are no strangers in this world. There aren't no We're all just people, people who haven't been formally introduced.

Yes, mister Jeffries at once?

What is it?

Sir? Did I do anything?

Miss Hammerschlagger?

Do you recall what I said to you when you came to me two years ago and said you'd be willing to work for half of what anybody else here was getting.

Yes, sir, you said you're hired.

Actually, I mean you remember that I said all my salespeople are allowed one hour and one hour.

Exactly for lunch.

Yes, sir, Well, if you'll gaze at the clock, you'll notice it's now one thirty and one half, Miss Hammerschlagger, you're exactly thirty seconds late.

I'm sorry, sir, but I went to the.

Bloodbed, the bloodbed, Miss Hammerschlager, when I hired you as a sales girl, I hired the entire Miss Nancy Hammerschlagger.

Blood and all.

Yes, sir, thank you, Sir.

You may return to your count of Miss Hamerschlager and be thankful that I'm in a gracious mood today.

Oh yes, sir, I thought you were kinder than usual today.

Yes, and justifiably so, Miss Hammerschlagger.

This morning, Missus jeff please told me something that I've waited to hear since the day we were first married. You mean, yes, Missus Jeffries went to the doctors this morning, and it's true.

Really, she has to go away for a long rast. Yeah.

I'm going down to the bus station this afternoon and buy the ticket and now back to work.

Miss How much like a hurry hurry?

This trip is costing me plenty, but it's worth every dollar, including the bribe I gave the doctor.

Oh yes, sir, I've seen Missus Jeffries. Sir, Hey, yes, sir, What can I do for you?

Sir?

Oh, yes, mansion.

What can we do for you today?

Penny Stall has it? Jeffries has it? And what can we show you today?

The floor marks, fly swater, bathing cap, beach umbrella, Bobby pins, lamp chains, laodium, lawnmower, dog collar, no ironing, born, electric fan, paints, prayer, beach, bad deep frieze radio.

What was that next to the last one?

Did dree? No?

Yeah it miss, I'm a busy man. Exactly what do you want?

Well, I'd like to see mister Jeffrey.

Well why didn't you say so?

You didn't come to it yet?

I was working up to it. I'm mister Jeffries.

Oh how do you do?

I'm just peachy fine, miss. Now what can I do for you?

Well, mister Jeffries. Yeah, Well, miss Jeffries, you don't know me and I don't know you, true, true, Well what I mean is yeah, Well, what I mean is you don't know me and I don't know you.

Well.

Well, now we're getting someplace, aren't we.

Well, mister Jeffries, I know you have a heart and a soul and a conscience.

It is if you're here to take inventory no, no.

It's not that, mister Jeffries. As well, you have an employee here named Nancy Hammerschlagger.

Oh yes, one of my most trusted employees. Very efficient, very efficient.

But she won't be efficient long, mister Jeffries, have you noticed how thin and sickly she is?

And miss exactly what are you getting at?

Well, mister Jeffries, Well, Nancy's all run down and her doctor says she needs a vacationer at least two weeks with pay or else. Well, I said it, and I'm glad it's.

So am I so our dear poor miss Hammerschlager's health hangs in the balance.

A little ignorant me is standing in the way of her future.

Yes, oh, poor tired Nancy's so loyal. I told her you couldn't be the hard hearted louse. She said you were, Oh.

So, Miss Hammerschlager said, I was allowed.

Yeah, but in a nice way.

Oh well that was very kind of.

And Miss, how much of a vacation did the good doctor prescribe for the poor delicate creature?

Well, two weeks. And if you just do this little thing for Miss Hammerschlagger, you will make a friend for life.

Gee, gosh, and missus Hemmerschlager, Oh, miss Hemmerschlager. Jeffery, Yes, dear girl, come here, lifelong friend, Yes.

Sir mister Jeffries. Oh amaz, it's you.

Yes, and don't be nervous, Nancy, Honey, mister Jefferes isn't half as nasty as he looks he is.

I mean, you talk to him, explained.

The entire story, my dear, and you'll never know how this old friend of yours helped you in your hour of me.

Oh, amaze, he isn't an old friend. I just met her during my lunch hour at the blood bank.

Will Miss Hammerschlocker, you confide it in a total stranger about me.

Oh you don't understand, mister j O.

But I do, Miss Hammerschlagger.

This good friend of yours has opened these poor selfish eyes to the truth.

You mean it crazy?

Yeah, that's right, honey. You thought mister Jeffers was a tight fisted louse, But he's going to show you the kind of louse he really is. An't to mister Jeffery.

Oh but dear girl, but definitely you mean I'm going to get it?

Is that you are, my dear.

Now how long a vacation did the good doctor suggest you take this, Hammerslaga?

Two weeks?

Oh, come, come, ladies. After all, a human life, a precious human life, depends on these how many weeks? Six it is?

And when you come back, nice and refreshed with your strength and energy, replenished with roses in those pale cheese. Yes, look for another job. You're fired, fired, and I'm doubling your surry mis Hamerslaga. Now you'll be losing twice as much. Goodbye.

Oh Mazey, Now I'm out of a job and I'll never get that vacation.

Well, yes you will, honey. You're going to take a trip someplace.

But all I have in the world is ten dollars, So cheer up.

I've saved a little money. You have. Now let's see where can you go for ten dollars and seventy cents.

The adventures of Mazie, starring and Southern will continue in just a moment, and now back to May.

Twelve.

Now leave me from Boston, Cleveland, Hello, and Chicago. Oh, give me a ticket, clerk past. You're so aware too, It makes no difference. My wife's going away. I mean, I want a ticket to Green Meadows.

Pardon me, Clerk.

I like smintonation, but I was here first at you you.

Well, well, if it isn't the thing the DDT was invented for, Clerk, I wanted was to ask a short question.

Look, Clerk, I don't want my wife to miss that bus. I need the rest.

In that case, I'll make it a long question.

But it took me months to talk my wife into being sick. She might change your mind and not go.

That's nice, clerk, I want to know.

This is the ticket selling window. If you want to know something, why don't you go to the information window.

Well, that's silly. The line here is much shorter. Besides, mister Jeffery's here don't deserve why he won't give others.

I'm sorry, miss, but this gentleman is ahead of you in line.

He is yeah ahead of me.

Oh say, look there goes a girl with one of those new French bathing suits. Yeah where wait click now, I'm pretty.

I don't see any girl.

Just look forward. There's one standing right in front of you.

You, Miss.

This is a dirty trick, but.

Not as dirty as the one you played on. Miss, Hammerschlagger. That poor girl deserves to go someplace.

Yes, and I'd like to tell you where you buying a ticket for her?

If so, miswhare too well, I don't know yet.

I'm just here shopping, shopping. Someday Nancy's gonna have enough money for a vacation. It might take months, but there's nothing like finding out the nice places where she can go. I'm not the kind that waits till the last minute.

Here what I am?

If I don't get this ticket for birth, she might decide to stay and the bus leaves in a few minutes.

Has you over a bit of a barrel, doesn't she?

So yeah, mister Jeffery, Now you know how it feels not to get something new but waiting for for years.

Well look, look I'll take this Hammerschlager back and give her a vacation.

Hello, the whole week with pay?

Oh okay, okay, with pay two weeks one week?

Hmm? Do you have any other suggestions? Clerk?

Oh okay, I'm a desperate man.

A complete vacation from miss Homerschlaga with two weeks.

Pay, and you'll buy the bus ticket.

Buy the bus ticket, clerk, it's very nice in Arizona this time of year. Good for rheumatism, you know.

Oh well, I don't think Nancy needs rheumatism. She has enough thing's wrong with her. Now.

Oh, okay, okay, I'll buy the ticket one way.

One way.

A trip to the Canadian Rockies would be just dandy for your friend.

Miss.

Do you think she can't go up to Lake Louise and bams.

Well, I imagine Nancy would like Lake Louise, but I don't think she knows how to bam.

They got instructors. You're okay, okay, a round trip ticket to Lake.

Louise by mister Jeffery. You're so kind to your employees, doing these little things for them out of the kindness of your heart.

He's sure sure anything is worth getting rid of. Birthday tonight, I got a date with the girl.

I mean, we're with a couple.

Of fellas well. Miss, here's the ticket.

For your friend. That'll be eighty seven dollars. Eighty seven dollars click.

Tell me all about how vacations are and all the other forty eight stays.

Well, let's start from the beginning alphabetically.

Alabama. Never mind, here's your money. Thank you. Here's the ticket.

Miss your friend's bus leaves in two hours.

Thank you, good bless look Benedict Donald, I had like a quick ticket.

Yes a minute, mister Jeffries. Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh?

What do you want me to do?

Now?

Buy us something to read on the bust a while away the long hours?

Oh no, mister Jeffies, I think you've done enough for the poor girl. Now all I want is to two weeks pay in a dance.

I'll send it to her.

Tell me more about Alabama, clerk.

Okay, okay, here's the money now, clerk. For goodness sake, that ticket for old hatchet face.

Oh and I think you were first in line, mister Jeffries. Do forgive me. I'll rush down to Nancy's place and tell her you reconsidered about everything. Goodbye? Now, I guess your wife farewell.

You don't believe I wouldn't like to? How clerk? Hurry? Please? One ticket to Green Meadows?

Hey, yes, sir, a return ticket too, Yeah, done it, and here you are, sir. That'll be three dollars and eighteen cents.

Sure, sure, three dollars? He Oh my gosh, what's the matter. Don't you think it's worth.

It, sure, sure, but I don't have a cent on me. I gave my last dollar to that female Simon Lagery.

No money to get your wife out of town. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, sir.

I'm married to clerk. I mean, good friend. Do you catch checks checks? That's what I thought.

I can't believe it, Mayzie, I just can't my job back. Two weeks vacation up at Lake Louise with Pate or how did you ever do it?

Oh?

I don't deserve all the credit, Nancy. Most of it goes to missus Jeffries.

Missus Jeffries. But she's a real nasty old witch. Did you ever see her?

No? But her husband did do much of it. Well, come on, honey, let's get your bag packed. Your bus leaves in an hour and a half.

Oh, it won't take me longer. I don't have much, Mayzie. What do you do with Lake Louise?

Oh?

They have everything a girl wants for a vacation. They have nine and nine and fellas.

Yeah, but look at me, Mayzie. Do you see think a man? Would you know?

For me?

Then there's golfing and fishing. He got something to catch a fish? Nancy, No, what do you need? Well, there's a pole and a hook, and I guess you'll need to buy a worm.

Gosh, I still have my packing to do, Mazie. I know you've really extended yourself for me.

Oh well, sure, honey, I'll buy your fishing equipment for you. We got the loot to do it with now.

And see, it would be nice to buy the stuff at mister Jeffrey's store. I mean, after all he did for me, don't you think you should give him the business?

Honey? You got something there. If there's anything I've enjoyed, it's given mister Jeffries the business. Be right back.

Good afternoon, miss, Can I help you?

Yes?

I would like something to catch fish with?

Oh you want a rod?

A rod? I want to catch fish, not shoot him.

But that's a good way to.

A friend of mine is going away, so let me have one of them fishing poles, one of those cute little cork things that floats, and a small worm, a small Well, she's a beginner, just wants to catch a little fish to start with.

He is. They're the cutest. Now, let's see how about a line?

Oh, I'll tell her and you must write to her too.

That's part of the fishing years. Now. He is a nice rod. It's all rigged up.

Oh well, isn't it sort of skinny?

Oh?

Fat? One's a more expensiveness and this one is a real beauty.

Here.

Just try casting with this rod?

Is okay? I'll do that.

Now, just a wee shortcast man. After all, we are in the store, you know, Yeah, sure.

Here goes far. Oh I think I caught.

Something, miss, I said, a shortcast. You broke off front window? Well, now what do you have to say?

How much are your golf clubs?

Mister Gordon? Who in founderation? Did they you? Again?

Oh?

Hello, mister Jeffries, we meet again. Small world, isn't it small enough?

Didn't you know you're not supposed to use that rod in here?

But how was? I don't know. There ain't no signs around, no fishing a lot.

I'm sorry about that broken window, mister Jeffrey.

Yes, somebody else is going to be sorry. That window costs me one thousand dollars. Well, miss, what do you have to say?

But it ain't worth it, mister Jeffries. It has a big hole in.

It, and you put it there, and you're going to pay for it, and.

I don't have a thousand dollars.

I'm glad now you can just stay here and work it out until it's all paid for.

Mess, but the de will take months. And I got to be back at Miss Hammerschlaggers. Her bus leaves in an hour, and I got the ticket. You remember, mister Jeffrey.

Oh can I forget? Because of you?

My wife missed her bus and I had to buy her a plane ticket.

A plane tickets. But where missus Jeffers is going is only seventy miles.

A week, Gordon.

When I want to get rid of a wife, money is no object. Come with me, miss, But.

Mister Jeffrey, I can't sell anything. Why. I once worked in a five and ten cent store and was fired because I couldn't remember the prices.

All prices.

You're going to remember, woman, and you're going to learn how to sell too. You chiseled me out of enough money for one day. Come with me, No, No, Miss Revere Jehosavan. How can you be so difficult to teach?

Oh, it's easy when you put your mind to it, Mister Jeffrey, Nancy's waiting for a bus.

Ticket, shnaked.

I'm going to make a sales girl out of you, or die trying.

Okay, but I'll bet you tutor when you can't make.

It, we shall see. Now let's pretend once more that I'm the customer here. I come into the store again.

Silly boy. What can I do for you, sir?

I'd like to buy a mouse trap?

Yes, sir? How many mice do you have in your house?

You know, hundreds of them.

Oh, in that case, you want one of our large mouse traps.

You never mind, Look, just sell me a trap. I'm in a hurry, in a hurry. Yes, my wife wants to catch your plate.

Oh well, I don't think we have traps that lot.

Oh my goodness, you'll never make a sales go.

Oh thank you, sir. That's what I've been telling you. Goodbye, sir.

Oh no, you don't come back here.

I got to get to Nancy with a ticket. Let go, take your hands off.

Let go.

And I don't want the whole world to know what's going on down here?

Do you mind?

If I know this girl is trying to get away from me? After all, she's cool.

Oh you're just in time that had him.

So it seems I've.

Always suspected my husband of having a sharp eye for the lady. And now I know why you were so anxious to get me out of town.

Oh so you're the old battle axe, Herb. It's been telling me about Bedlax.

Reveal this all Battleax is my wife, I mean, was your wife, Heavett.

It's a good thing.

I decided to drop into the store to say goodbye, because now it is goodbye.

Okay, give us your care, divorce mevia all my money everything it's in your name.

Well, I guess i'll leave now. Herbert can't keep Lake Louise waiting, you know Lake Louise. Yeah, thanks to your husband, missus hatches face, I mean Jeffries, a certain lovely young girl is gone away for a two week vacation with pay and all expense is taken care of.

Herber's arranged all this.

Yeah, yeah, because I had to work on him a little. You know how your husband is, Missus Jeffrey.

No, but I'm learning.

I know what you'll say to you.

So, Herbert, Jeffries, now you're arranging for expensive vacations for your more glamorous sales girls.

Oh glamorous. Well, I wouldn't say that.

Missus Jeffrey, you look only did it because she insisted.

Yeah, and he had a bribed the doctor to get you go away.

Yes, I I am looking.

Since when have you decided to change to.

A good Oh?

Years ago?

I meant you herb it.

You don't understand both At the.

Time was so short and you wanted to have one last fling you.

Well, you can have it, Herbert, but you're not gonna have the money to fling it very far.

Goodbye, goodbye, missus Jeffrey, have a nice.

Trip you love.

Miss Revere. You can straighten this whole thing. I'll tell my wife the whole truth.

Oh but how can I run after her? I'm supposed to be here working. It's selling.

You won't forget about all that?

Do you?

Just tell her about poor drab old Miss Harberschluger.

You mean the one who has to go all the way to such a nice place like like like Lake Louise without a decent wardrobe.

You all get her a wardrobe and.

No golf clubs, lots of spending money and stuff like that.

Did you get it? Every Just tell my wife the truth?

Oh you mean about Nancy coming back to work for you at a raise a race. Now, look here, how do you do sir? Can I interest you in a mousetrap today?

Okay, okay, you mean you're bia? No, no, anything.

You want to raise shorter hours, longer lunch periods.

Oh gosh, that's great, mister Jeffrey, you're really a wonderful boss. You want to know something Tomorrow, I think I'm going to start working here.

Oh no, no, in just the moment, we shall return to the adventures of Mazie now once again.

Here is well.

For a while, I didn't think those scare tactics with mister Jefferies would work, because there's an old saying that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink unless he's a jackass. Anyway, Nancy's on her way to a beautiful hotel for her vacation, and I hope she catches more than just fish, and I think she might too. She really has a nice figure and she has brains too, which is what a man

You have just heard. The Adventures of Mazie, starring and Southern Mazie, was written by Arthur Phillips. Original music was composed and conducted by Harry Zimmerman. Supporting cast included Elvia Allman, Peter Leeds, Frank Nelson, Sammy Hill, and Howard McNair, Jack McCoy speaking

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